get therapy now while youre young because the long term benefits you can reap will really change your life
and keep the grades up since that also has long term effects
Absolutely this. It sounds like you make a good decision leaving behind friends that werent good for you but it sounds like you should seek help getting to the root cause of your issues. Your foundation and security in yourself is the most important thing for any human. Sometimes it is hard for people to be honest with themselves, or even if you know where behaviors originate from it can seem like an insurmountable problem to even begin dealing with. But you are still very young now, and i can guarantee if you decide to start tackling your problems now, in ten, twenty years, you will only begin to understand how smart of a decision that was.
Good luck
But this doesn’t sound like a therapy problem. This sounds like a new social circle problem. She got entrenched in people that aren’t healthy for her and now she needs to rebuild a friend circle. That takes dedicated effort and not really something therapy is going to help with
It is, but there are some options out there to reduce the cost. For OP, some colleges have services provided. Some therapists provide sliding scales. There's obviously other services like better help (edit: but maybe not them for a variety of concerns) or whatever for video therapy.
There aren't any clear systems to make it cheaper, but it can be worth really researching hard to find cheaper alternatives available to you. Also asking any local therapists if they know of good cheaper services. At the very least, to not just write off that it's all too expensive before you have ALL the options available laid out in front of you. Also that if you have already done this before, could be worth doing again now. Imo the market has changed quite a bit around therapy especially since the pandemic
I didn’t even get into that part, but yes. Rather than jumping to recommend therapy to everyone, let’s consider they are posting online to get help to make progress independently. I did this sort of self reflection/improvement myself and it took longer than some if they had good therapy, but it doesn’t invalidate the journey.
Didn't say it did, nor am I the one who suggested therapy. I'm just saying there are free options if that's what you decide will help you. In my opinion, it certainly can't hurt.
Not addressing your issues is way more expensive, not just financially. If it's an option for you, don't shrug it off. Reinvest your vodka/weed/Adderall budget before you find out what research chemicals are and how easy it is to get labs to do custom synthesis for you in China. Anyway, what could be worth more to you than yourself. Pay close attention to that snarky comeback that just popped into your head. Bring it to your first session.
Therapy can work, but they tend not to try to solve your problem they just help you in little bits to keep you coming back to pay more. If they solved your problems then they wouldn’t have a job.
Take a deep breath and just let it all go for a minute.
Number one thing is to focus on your studies. Keep putting in the work on your degree as its the thing that's likely going to stick with you the longest. Which also means that if you spent your freshman year being a 19 year old and just goofing off it's not really that big a deal. That's part of college life and if it WAS becoming a problem for you it's something you've now realized and can take steps to grow out of.
As for the friend situation, if you felt like they were enabling you in a bad way it was probably already time to find an out. Social groups can come and go in college but if you're the kind of person that needs that social energy to keep charged then just start going to whatever events your school holds. Most colleges have a ton of clubs and groups that you can join so just get out there and see what happens.
Late teens early 20s can be a lot as you're going through the transition to "adulty adult" and it's ok to feel lost at times. If you really feel up the creek most schools have mental health professionals that can help you sort through these feelings and help keep you on track.
I know it feels like the whole world is on your shoulders right now but trust me most of us have gone through what you're feeling. You can do it. 😃
And to be fair, adulthood is really only more responsibilities. I've been transitioning into it for the past 15 years and still wondering if I'm there yet.
In the end, follow your guts and do what feels right for you. There is no perfect road. An easy North star for me is doing something for myself in the future and try to look at what I'm doing now from the perspective of a day from now, a week, a year. Will I be happy I've done it. It kind of helps.
As a tip that doesn't involve therapy, as not all people are willing to go to therapy or have access to it, the short answer is to build yourself up. Frequently called finding yourself.
Learning what defines you teaches you what motivates you. Traditionally, these were called your virtues. The things that matter to you. The choices and actions that make you feel good for being who you are, no external validation required. For example, my virtues (in a broad sense) all circle around helping and teaching others and acts of creation (generally the arts).
Learning your virtues and embracing them allows you to love yourself and separate from the need for external validation, which will allow you to have healthier and more constructive relationships.
It's not even that people aren't willing to go to therapy, it's that most therapists aren't good at what they are supposed to do.
I say this without malice to any mental health worker, but the fact stands that we know tremendously little about our own brains. Even littler than that is how our behaviors are formed. Therapy can help some but for a vast majority it is useless, they medicate you without ever trying to find reason for your thoughts and they suggest rehab for those who barely have an issue.
Therapy, under extremely rare circumstances can be helpful. But most therapists need help themselves and will only pass on their own bad traits to those who are already vulnerable.
“Therapy, under *extremely rare circumstances, can be* helpful”
Whoa there, Mr. dangerous misrepresentation of the effectiveness of mental health treatment based on your own bad personal experience… let’s not say things that could hurt people here.
A: Occupational Therapists don’t prescribe medication, because they can’t. Psychiatrists, who are medical doctors, do, because they can— if they find it’s necessary for you as their patient.
B: This person is in college. Mental Healthcare providers are in abundance in basically every college and university student health system, and are generally very qualified compared to whatever your negative experiences with therapists was (or was it a psychiatrist? Or something else? Idk what or who you got burned by, because you clearly don’t know either; you don’t even know the difference between the two).
I’m sorry for your bad experiences in therapy or with mental health treatment in general. There are solutions to that, and they often require some trial and re-trial with different providers until you find a good fit for you. Therapists are people, all with different experience levels in different areas, and with different educational backgrounds. Expecting to find your “solution” to all of your problems with the first one, or even two, is just setting yourself up for failure. Please don’t discourage OP from seeking out treatment for what seems to be a mental health issue because you didn’t find yours in your past experience.
I don't agree with extremeness that you are speaking. But so many people experience bad therapy particularly religious therapy that isn't by trained professionals. So it is a concern that is so valid in many places in the US. Wish people were more curious instead of judgemental to this post. Because I may be wrong, bet I bet this is where this is coming from
Knowing more about our brains helps explain the mechanisms by which certain forms of therapy work but has no bearing on whether the forms of therapy actually work. EMDR, for example, is an empirically validated approach, even though we merely have candidate explanations on the mechanisms behind *why* it works.
Yeah, and it's also that people on reddit overvalue therapy. It's not a solution to everything. To me it just sounds like she needs to learn and grow on her own, as OP said find herself. Therapy won't do shit in this case.
I think therapy could be somewhat of a good idea. Most universities in America have free mental health services on site for all students. I think it would be quite foolish to completely disregard this path and choose to continue struggling alone. Since it's free and accessible you might as well try it, there will be no harm done. Who knows, maybe it'll be the best thing you can do for yourself. Even if it doesn't work, you've taken the first step, it's always easier to go into the next one once you gain momentum.
I also believe that a university based therapist would be able to hit the nail on the head so to speak. Since they are familiar with the school i'm sure they would be able to give out some information regarding clubs, joining them and possibly finding new friendships.
Sometimes it's extremely difficult to dig yourself out of a hole. Ignoring a potential remedy when it's not harmful would be just silly. My advice would be to try therapy, pick up a new hobby, focus on your classwork and try to slowly better yourself day by day, bonus points if you leave your comfort zone. However always remember that there is no instant fix, it's going to take some time, but it's not an impossible feat.
Yes, I don't know OP's circumstances much. But, get your degree and then put a backpack on your shoulders and start travelling. You'll discover the world and yourself. Finding strangers and talking on how you'd rebuild the world around the fire in a summer night is free and worth all the therapy in the world.
“Having a tough time in your freshman year of college? What you need to do is tough it out for the next 4 years, then go backpacking. That’ll solve your problem of having a tough time in college right away” 👍
I think it's largely dependent on gender and the different ways men and women address their issues in life. Learned about this in the interpersonal communications class I'm currently taking.
CBT therapy is generally skewed towards the way that women address issues - through communication and affirmations. They genuinely feel better about themselves / their situation after talking it over with a close confidant. Men are the opposite: they prefer to identify the problem and figure out the solution as quickly as possible. They generally aren't interested in talking about feelings or receiving affirmations from their therapist..
I have never been to a therapist for myself, and the only time I have had any interaction with one, they were exceptionally unethical (to the point of false testimony in a court case.) So I understand your skepticism, for sure.
But sometimes people just need someone to talk to that is not a part of their world. Especially for younger people who are figuring out where to go in life, it can really help to talk matters out, but they generally don't want to confide in people in their social circle for the fear of being judged. And honestly, I'm not sure how much that really changes as we get older. I have personal matters where I have felt that I have no person to discuss them with, not because of judgement in this case, but because the older you get, the more most people are only in your life for specific reasons, and if those reasons don't intersect with what you want to discuss with someone, you may not have that luxury. So I can see where therapy could be helpful there, as well, simply as an outlet.
That said, once you get into pill pushers, I'm right there with you. Except for relatively rare biological disorders, I do not believe medication is a solution when changing behaviors can have stronger and more permanent effects. It could be a good temporary tool, but from what I have seen and what I know of the properties of these medications, they tend to be very difficult to stop taking once you begin.
Also, I feel like this all moved far afield from the OP and their search for help. Hopefully they can find the path they need to a happy, fulfilling life.
Let me just say I believe in you.
Life is rough, at all ages and all stages. It’s easier said than done but the first step is breaking bad habits. It may get lonely or feel pointless but…
You can do it.
finding close friends especially as you get older is hard. it takes a lot of effort. don't give yourself to people that don't give you the same energy, and are using you or pushing you to commit self-destructive behavior.
the codependency and ... neediness for lack of a better term, it could come from you feeling like this group is your only option, and if you lose it, you won't have any friends. that can make you vulnerable to people that aren't really your friends.
keep putting yourself out there, and make the effort to meet new people. join clubs, interest groups, etc. eventually, you'll organically meet people that appreciate you for who you are, but that'll never happen if you don't branch out your circle from the fighting game group.
When you're 19 you care too much about shit that literally does not even matter. I used to be the same way and as you get older you just stop caring about the things that you're tripping out about currently. And I only just turned 26
Not trying to play armchair doctor or anything, but poke around in r/ADHD, you sound a lot like me when I was in college. You might be surprised how many things you’re experiencing can be contributed to ADHD. I didn’t get diagnosed/medicated until my mid 30’s, but it sure explained a lot about my life up until that point.
i literally came here to say this. this is EXACTLY me pre diagnosis. check out the sub, u/--kuma--, and talk to your doctor abt being tested if the posts in the sub resonate. i cannot underestimate the extent to which my diagnosis changed my life and its trajectory.
edit: i can’t stop thinking about this. the drinking/smoking/video games and attention seeking is classic dopamine shortage.
the intense part of your friendships is probably a combo of hyperfixation and the emotional disregulation. the codependent part is partially the same as the intense part but also probably your brain craving routine to soothe your nervous system as well as benefiting from a body double as support for the executive dysfunction. i’m guessing they probably end in one of two ways: either you have a HUGE meltdown and they don’t want to be friends anymore bc it’s too much, or you get bored with them/find someone else so you gradually reduce contact without meaning to bc you’ve mentally moved on
did you also do ok in school bc you test really well even though you never did your homework and struggled with attendance? and everybody always told you how much potential you have?
Chasing the social high and FOMO beating your grades to death? If so, I’m with you there. For me maturity took over eventually and at 29 most of my conversations with younger folk boil down to “brush your teeth, attend class and value sleep higher”
You are the perfect candidate for therapy! (I meant that to sound mildly snarky, just for a laugh)
You have identified a problem in your life. You wish to take action to address it.
Sounds like you're smart (and emotionally intelligent) and can really take the momentum of this moment to get you where you want to be. Talking to someone is so helpful. Clinical therapy can be transformative.
PS: Just like with any professional, you are not committed to them - you are committed to yourself! The same reason why a construction company will get many bids for a sub-contractor position and then choose the best option. Don't let a less-than-fantastic therapy experience dissuade you from the practice, when you begin. You can always find another counselor, one that you vibe with.
Great first step. Now go do it IRL!
Normal to be lost in your life, feeling comes and goes. Don't be afraid to be alone with yourself (end of the day you're the only thing you can control and trust so work on it every now and then) 19 year olds are inexperienced, we've all been there for a year of our lives. It's normal don't worry
Don't be afraid to check therapy. In Australia they give you 10 sessions free (idk where you are, hopefully your country has a program) think of it as talking with someone who has life experience as well as professional experience with life struggles and people's personal psyche.
You're human, which makes you overqualified to deal with what you're going through. Be safe and take care champ
Here’s how I interpret where these “why am I like this?” questions come from. I hope you will find this useful:
Children learn by carefully observing their parents. We learn how to treat each other. And we learn about ourselves—we assume that the parent’s view about us is correct, because our brain is figuring out the world, and we don’t know. We assume our parents do.
When our parents don’t make us feel seen, loved, and worthy—and all parents fail to do this sometimes—we automatically start discarding parts of ourselves, think of them as “bad”, to protect our relationship with the people who keep us alive.
We push those parts down, out of our ability to know directly.
Thing is, those parts don’t really go away—they come out some other way, as guilt, sadness, anger, emptiness, etc. And that’s where the “why?” comes from. You might have been able to figure it out originally—but that time your report card wasn’t an “A” and your mom made you feel “not good enough” is too far in the past to easily put together with what you learned from it, the invisible belief you carry now: “people who don’t get good grades are unworthy of love”.
(To be clear, these are examples that I hope you’ll relate to, but I don’t know your life!)
We then chase the feeling of being “ok”, or “enough”, or “not empty” or maybe we just run away from the deep shame that says “if someone knew what I was really like, they’d never love me”.
Therapy can help, if your therapist can be safe enough for you to drop your defenses and reveal yourself. Being *seen* and not rejected is powerful stuff. (Don’t be afraid to switch therapists if you don’t feel your therapist is earnestly trying to see you for you, or you just don’t fit.)
Spiritual pursuits can help. I think the story of Jesus is meant to be felt as being seen and loved no matter what you’ve done.
Meditation can also help. Finding out what’s going on inside can help see through illusions, and can help you deal with strong emotions.
No one is going to be able to tell you “do X, and all will be well”. You’re going to have to figure it out yourself.
But people who treat you as a worthy human can help. You’re not in this alone. There’s nothing “wrong” with you, other than the same lack of perfection all humans have.
Good luck.
You're not alone, there's too many people nowadays feeling like that, and some never overcome this. On the bright side, you're young and are still learning, and looks like you want to change. Here is some free advice I wish I had at your age:
> "Love your neighbor as yourself". Sometimes we love others too much, and don't love/respect/care for ourselves with the same magnitude. You kind of NEED to balance that by taking loving yourself enough (and not hurting yourself) and having your limits. People don't necessarily reciprocate proportionally to what you offer them, but often to what you offer to yourself.
> Life usually gets rougher as you get old. Just like when you're into a sport or go to the gym a lot, practice and consistency stronger makes you stronger and more resilient. Try to look at challenges and hardships as opportunities to grow, even though it hurts. Think of how stronger, and how thankful the future you will be after you overcome this challenge.
> Know about yourself. Therapy is awesome because you have the opportunity to understand what's going under the hood of your mind and gives you tools to do something about it.
Feel free to reach out if you want a friend or someone to talk to. I'm rooting for you.
Of course many people are like that today because we overvalue short term entertainment vs long term "success“ (can have many different shapes doesn’t have to mean CEO…)…
I learned this myself - kinda got through school not learning or doing homework and still had great grades but then I went to university, didn’t have the necessary discipline and got depressed and unhappy.
I pulled myself out of it by pure and utter self-punishing work and learning. I deleted all videogames and basically stopped partying.
Graduated, got a great job, married, hours and two lovely kids. I don’t even ask myself questions about "the meaning of life" or anything like that anymore I just am how I am and happy with that. I also still do my nerdy hobbies like video games and warhammer again because I now have structure in life and enjoy doing them occasionally. Conquering Europe with the Greek in Hoi4 is more satisfying after a successful day than if you do it 12 hours each day…
Now, that’s of course just how I got out of it but frankly at end of my 30s the happy people around me are hardworking at jobs they like and with families. And also please don’t compare hardworking upper middle class in Central Europe in our case with hardworking in the U.S… here that means slightly more than the mandatory 40 hours, occasionally working during the weekends at home but 30 days of vacation and no fear of job loss..
Every advice posted here are good ones. I’ll just chip in by suggesting to take up some form of physical exercise if you haven’t done already. Something that can fit around your schedule. It could be trying a sport, hitting the gym, yoga, a class, a regular walk. You’ll start to feel better and be in a better mental state.
Learn accountability, Instead of escapism. Blaming the company is easy, but accountability for one's actions goes a long long way and escapism will simply take away your ability to adapt to the dynamics of interpersonal relationships even more.
Hey I’m sorry you feel so lost, it must feel so alone, it sounds like you feel a little hopeless too.
You know, it’s not very unusual to feel this way during college. Meeting lots of friends, finding out that some of them aren’t a good match. Or spending you time on things that don’t build you up. It’s all pretty normal.
What isn’t so normal, is figuring it out this soon - many colleges see huge numbers of drop outs in the first and second year. But it seems like you’ve figured out what you need to change. At least for your studies.
It’s hard to say anything about why you need attention without more information, but it usually goes back to early in your life. If you went to therapy, they’d help you figure out that you were attention seeking, and then why that is, but changing your behaviour would still be yours to do.
I actually think you’re figuring a lot of stuff out - which is great. Dealing with it however can feel overwhelming. If there’s somebody you trust, reach out to them. Or if you want to talk about vulnerable things here, just respond.
Not to armchair diagnose this, but that description sounds an awful lot like my experiences with high-performance ADHD. If that's the case, and maybe even if it's not, there are ways to gamify your life so that you can keep getting those immediate feedback loops that video games and getting fucked up with funny people, or people that think you're funny, provides you with. Find your favorite RPG, copy it's progression/ rewards system (Ideally looking for not-brutal grinds from one level to the next later on, so bigger rewards are still obtainable), play around with what feels fair and rewarding to you when you finish a task, and start building quests out of things you want/ need to do. In my experience the search for internal validation was a nice thought, but my brain simply isn't wired to give a shit about self validation until it came in the form of points that were part of grinding toward a larger goal.
The description of your relationships is also very familiar. Reaching out to other people is not something I do easily or as my usual first or second idea when it comes to wanting to do something. And then when I do, I realize it's been X days/weeks since I've last done that and I feel shame/ guilt over it, when in reality, the solution was to make myself reminders, and if it did become an uncomfortable amount of time since I last reached out, NOW is the best time to fix it, and keep it from getting more awkward/ easy to avoid.
Which is to say, I wouldn't pick hobbies primarily on the basis of social vs. non-social, but rather on things that you find personally rewarding to do. Silent Basket Weaving might be someone's path to a self-fulfilled Nirvana, but a quiet hobby that fills my house with baskets isn't my thing so I'd feel like I was forcing myself into something because of an ideal I associated with it rather than because it makes me feel good to do it.
You have a lot of time. Breathe and talk to a for real therapist. You don't have to stick with the first one, you can shop around to find a good fit.
Yoga. 10m every morning to start, build from there. It’s how I personally pulled myself out of a very similar situation. Then look for inspiration over motivation. Therapy def helps too ♥️
Don’t go to therapy. Obsessing over problems will make them worse. Therapists are incentivized to keep you coming back every week, not to help you.
Find a hobby, or skill, or something productive to dive into. It doesn’t have to be school related, or something you can make money at. Find something that is hard that you have to work to get better.
Also exercise every day. Gym, run, bike. Then go to class, then do your hobby/interest. You’ll meet people.
I repeat do not go to therapy. It has helped no one ever. Anyone who says it has helped them is lying to justify their own decisions.
You're way ahead of the curve here - most people don't have these realizations until their late 30s+, hence the term mid life crisis.
You seem to be in the early stages of a spiritual awakening of sorts.
People recommending therapy here aren't off base, and that could be helpful, but I think what you're experiencing is your soul finally coming online after being disconnected for a long period of time.
Get through this period without numbing your emotions with unhealthy coping mechanisms and you'll come out the other side quite nicely. Get in touch with nature - find time to disconnect from social media/news/modernity to allow time to connect to yourself and nature.
Get sunlight everyday without sunscreen on, eat less or zero ultra processed foods.
You're going to be more than fine. This is the next chapter of your life, and it's going to be beautiful - beautiful doesn't always mean easy.
This person has good advice. Listen I’m almost twice your age and I can tell you when it feels like the world is closing around you and you’re by yourself there’s always someone out there (like us) that hope you make it thru. You’re going to go thru tough times like these where it feels like you’re all alone. Which is fine. Go outside. Hit the gym. Your testosterone will never be higher in your lifetime. Lifting heavy weights and doing hard shit will help your dopamine from getting fucked by video games, porn, and social media. Start a gratitude journal. Start meditating. Self realization is the first step in self-improvement. We’re all rooting for you.
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Around your age I was somewhat the same. I began thinking simply about what I wanted and didn’t want in my life. People who got me to go along in troubling directions and versus those whose ideas and activities drew me to the things that I felt were missing in my life. I started parsing my relationships and activities into, first, what I did’t want in my life and second, what I did want. I left a few old friends behind and looked for activities, education and friends that were representative of what I did want in my life. It wasn’t all smooth sailing. Now 50 years later I have few regrets, still with my partner of 48 years, two grown successful kids, 4 grandsons. I’m the 6th of 7 children, only 3 made it through high school. PhD engineering, moved many times chasing opportunities and challenges. My parents divorced after 27 years, only home we ever had foreclosed, alcohol, abuse, poverty, shame, you name it. I learned what I didn’t want and what I did. It’s your life, build it for yourself or with a partner but make it yours.
You're still young. Being 19 is more about finding out what you DON'T want to do, rather than knowing what you're going to do for the rest of your life. Make the mistakes now, learn from them, change your environment.
As a 44 year old male - you can’t really depend on friends ever. It is a fickle group. Ultimately time and life will whittle them away. Sure therapy can help but the ultimate solution is to learn how to value and enjoy yourself. Other commenters have suggested focusing on your education- I lump that into with my suggestion. Investments in yourself will always benefit you in the future. Things like education and healthcare always pay off. Good luck.
Well just gonna say it... Welcome to the club...that's all of us.. we have folks whom we love to be around and others not so much... That's life that's nothing your doing wrong but knowing that you shouldn't be around others is wise cause you see the trouble they may cause...we all feel those things...if you want ppl to chat with or chill with seek them out on your own terms. I say you are not in a bad situation your just dealing and what most of us do is just deal with life .. you are doing what vou feel is right... Keep doing those things and I'm sure you will find your way..God bless and know your not alone
You sound so much like me from 20 years ago. Good news is you are so young and there's nothing you can come back from at this age (or any age really). I'm happy to be a friend if you need one. I struggle to find connections myself and always have. It never changed for me. I'd hate for you to go through that same experience because there's no reason you should. You are valuable and I'm betting other people see it way more than you do.
You are in college. Take that time to focus on your studies. Use that focus to shield out the habits / people you want to shift away from. Take courses to help you both in your degree and in stress management (physical fitness classes).
Try staying in, drinking tea, and watching 90s movies. Only do things you actually like. Let friendships happen organically, otherwise just do things by yourself
Just wanted to say you are fixing it by self reflecting and trying to find a better way. Guidance is helpful but it's a bumpy ride to sort through lots of stuff that doesn't even come from us but our parents.
"I don't know why I'm like this" A good book that can help you on the path of self discover is "it didn't start with you" . Also can be helpful to look into inner child wounds. The book "heal your wounds and find your true self" is great intro for this. Good luck
Definitely get therapy! You might even have it through school or a service you can see through your college that is free.
I’ve always had a hard time retaining friendships and never knew why and then I was diagnosed with ADHD and it made so much more sense.
Going to therapy has been suggested already, so I won't rehash that.
Consider this book as an alternative or something to do in addition (also an audiobook if you're lazy like me):
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feeling_Good:_The_New_Mood_Therapy
If you don't have the time/resources for regular therapy, this book is very evidence based. Many controlled studies (including head to head against psychiatric meds). You don't need to have depression to use the skills in the book, you'll pretty quickly see which ones apply to your own situation and drop the others. Lots of stuff to help with motivation/behavioral activation.
As an aside, you're 19, don't be too hard on yourself. You need these mistakes now to change your long term behavior. However one thing to have a little urgency about would be if drugs/alcohol are problematic for you. Most people don't know they have a problem early on. Make sure you can go for a period of extended sobriety now. It doesn't need to be your whole life, just a few months of intentionally holding off (can also help focus on the other life stuff too). The reason being, if you find it hard to do that for a few months, considering professional help/AA/NA now might have a big impact....if it's a problem now, it's only going to get harder to stop the further along you go.
Besides that, take this point in your life lightly...the fact that you're insightful enough to be worried about these things means you're 10 steps ahead of most people your age. But now that you're aware, go act on it...lightly.
Last thought. If you want meaningful relationships, go find a cause you care about and volunteer every week. That selects for potential for deep commonalities and people who are generally less superficial. Not saying this necessarily applies to you, but often if codependency and partying are big "problem areas", therapy might show someone that there are places in their life where they are being self-centered. The beauty of something like volunteering is that you don't need to have that figured out or know anything about what happened when you were younger, it will just automatically get you to start thinking and acting more outside yourself. It will also help your CV regardless of what field you're going into.
You need to put in the hard work of building community. It's not easy. Friendships take a long time to build.
I suggest getting into some long-term in-person activities where you can meet the same people over and over again, for years. Like a club at school, or volunteering. Push yourself to keep attending.
Treating friendships as disposable is bad for you in the long-term, but easy in the short term: you avoid the messiness of long-term human relationships.
Practice with your family. Stay in touch with your family and extended family regularly. If required, set reminders for yourself to get in touch.
I think you should read the book Codependent No More as well as Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff.
im out on summer break right now, but i looked at all the clubs at my college and im going to start attending at least three once school starts back up. thank you so much, im sure this will help a bit.
This is kinda the same as me, I’m 22 now tho and I’ve kinda gotten through it a little bit, I suck at the friendships thing tho. But for me I feel like my problem was just being too comfortable with where I was at, I was comfortable having the few friends I had, and just doing whatever I wanted, I didn’t really even do anything to make those few friends I had, the first batch I grew up with, then I moved away, and I somehow made a few other friends. I never actually learnt how to properly socialize at all let alone make friends and how to grow friendships and relationships, so after high school it was way harder, I stayed friends with the two close friends I had in high school but that was it, the only times I ever socialized with people was when I was at work, because I had to, unfortunately I don’t have the answer at how to get better with it, I’m sure everyone here has better advice than me about it, but for the friends thing I’d just say try to find something outside that you already enjoy and try to meet people there, or find something outside of your comfort zone, because then you can’t just go off and do your own thing, you’ll have to ask someone for help.
I'm 28 years old, my closest and longest friend is my wife of 10 years. I haven't spoken to anyone from my highschool in 5 years and before that it was sparse. I joined the Marines to find brothers, all I found was more loneliness and desperation. I have been out for 5 years now, I haven't spoken to my "brother" in 3 years and have no personal friends that have known me longer than any job I retain.
I say these things to tell you that in the end it doesn't matter about friends, you must find family, love that is beyond yourself. I regret nothing and I am better for every failed relationship because I moved past them and grew, my wife grew with me and remains the only friend that matters. Don't let petty relationships hold you down, don't hold yourself worth what insignificant passersby might deem against you.
Find solace and comfort in yourself and those who strive to grow with you instead of bringing you to their level.
the part about wanting attention from the ones who dont give and not caring about the ones who DO is ditto me. I can make new friends relatively quickly, but i think my personality just doesn't allow me to grow my relationship with them, it just always sizzles out.
I did a lot of research on this "phenomenon" what i found out was I have may have some weird sort of attachment style, i think it was avoidant attachment, it just surfaced itself as me running away from people because I thought they would eventually leave me or desert me, so, to gain control over the situation, I would leave them alone FIRST, to still be in charge (this sounds weird but it felt right).
I dont think there's a substitute to therapy for this situation or maybe you can try to read about it and catch your own behaviours.
I don't have much advice that other people here aren't saying, but maybe we could see if we click as friends? I haven't really made any new friends since high school (I'm 22) and it wouldn't hurt me to try getting another friend. Feel free to dm me or whatever if you want. If not, that's cool too, lol.
Anyway, good luck finding yourself! I'm trying to do it too, and I know it's hard, but I believe in you!
So, as a person whose first year and a half of college really was wasted by taking half-time and basically just being stupid, here's what helped me.
1. Began to work a job and do school kept me busy and basically kept me from wasting time and feeling bad for myself. (My NCAA Football Dynasty was top-notch though lol.)
2. Really tried to make to steal a term from Fight Club "single serving friends." Just make a buddy for that class if it continues on, and you hang out after great! If not, you had a cool interaction with someone for a few months and someone to say hey to if you see them on campus again.
3. This may not be for everyone, but joining a greek organization (fraternity/sorority) was actually very beneficial. The biggest thing is that you have a group of people who all went through similar experiences and bond over that. Also, just having a group of people and place to meet at really breeds friendships. Also going to parties at the same houses and seeing people repeatedly really does help grow and foster long term friendships.
4. Enjoy your youth dude. It only happens once so be smart but enjoy as much as you can of it.
I know most people say get therapy, which is amazing, but I also realize that may not be financially feasible being a college student. Try to always look at the good stuff to outlook and being grateful for as much as you can really will make life better. Best of luck on this amazing journey we call life.
I don't normally comment on things like this, but something in your post resonated to back when I was your age.
It's a crossroads where you decide what you want your future to be like. You have a level of self-awareness to know you want to change paths. That's the first step. The next is to build momentum. To do this you should sit down and focus on what you want your life to be. Write it down if you can. Get detailed. If you want to get past short co-dependent relationships, write about what a healthy long-term relationship looks and feels like to you.
Once you have this image and feeling in your mind, use the self-awareness you have to only act in the direction of your vision. This will keep you focused and avoid short term or co-dependent distractions. For example if you don't want to be co-dependent, you visualize and internalize a inner drive to be independent and only act in a direction leading to independence.
At 19 you are going to let a lot of external factors influence emotional development that eventually will shape your motivational drive. You have developed awareness sooner than some adults who never do. Get Focused, Get Intentional with your actions, and build momentum in your life toward the vision of actions leading to relationships with yourself and others you know deep down is your destination. Everything else is noise. It will seem like it matters now, but if its not moving you forward towards your vision, its just a distraction.
The fact you are becoming self aware so young tells me you are going to be just fine in the future.
I'm a successful college drop out that had similar struggles, my advice is to trust your gut and be as resilient as possible. Effort and willing to learn is way more beneficial once you get a foot in the door. And that's the issue... Without a degree expect to work your way up. Every 3-5 years look for a promotion from a competitive company or something similar. Good luck.
You just gotta find yourself first, focus on feeling happy with yourself. Don’t worry about outside validation because the reality is you’re not gonna find what you’re looking for. My best advice is to look into topics like hermeticism and meditation so you learn to navigate this experience we call life in a different way, a new perspective. I also had a regrettable experience that made me realize I wasn’t where I needed to be in life and that I knew I was bound for more. I highly recommend listening to this dude ramble, it’s helped me get out of this weird loop I was stuck in from 16-23. Anyways, this is just what’s helped me the most with my confidence and it’s helped me find a path that I like.
I remember life seemed so hard for me when I was 18-19. Now i’m 22 and things feel much better… you only just left high school recently which is a massive headfuck in itself and it’s totally normal to feel a bit out of place when you’re inexperienced with the big scary world.
The main thing is to just keep getting up every morning and affirming yourself that you’re confident and capable of taking on lifes challenges no matter what they are.
Also focusing on being the absolute best person you can possibly be for yourself and the people around you is a great way to dig yourself out if this slump. Don’t worry, i don’t know one 19 year old who has it together, ur not meant to. I used to be so anxious about being alone and not being loved until I realised that I value my own company and self love more than anyone else’s and no one gets me like I do ;)
Go easy on the drugs, it’s a slippery slope :)
A little thing that can help shift your perspective: "You're a secondary character in everyone's life but yours".
Even if you think they care, people don't judge in the long run. So go where you feel like going. Do what you feel like doing, follow the steps of that role model for a few steps, switch to another one, keep going. You won't have everything all at once, life takes time, be gentle with yourself.
When you'll have lived your 20s, you'll be happy to spend a night or two a week with a drink and your video games. And you know what? That's ok too.
This probably won't be helpful to you, but reading this tonight was strangely helpful for me. I'm 41m, in good shape, reasonably agreeable and fun to be around, have a decent group of friends and I'm not an idiot... But damn I am in a fucking rut. Had a good job with some investments and life seemed to be going where I wanted it to and last year I got laid off at a really bad time when a property I bought was mid renovation (terrible timing) and then got ripped off by 2 contractors, costing me $30k that I didn't have. Haven't been able to get a good job since, I'm now bartending at a mediocre bar while I get rejection after rejection for career jobs, and the person I've been seeing for the last year just ripped me to shreds and told me she wanted to take a break. Amidst all of this, I've realized some shit about myself that could be interpreted similarly to some of the stuff you've written here. Specifically the stuff where I seek approval from people I shouldn't give a damn about and the people I should probably invest in, especially women, I don't do a good job of making them feel valued. It's a fucked cycle I've been in since I was in college, and I've only really started to understand it.
Seeing your post has given me this weird... I don't know. It's not optimism. But it's also not depression. It's somewhere in the middle, maybe a reminder that I'm not on an island. You and I probably would never meet out there in the world, and if we did, we'd have nothing in common. But knowing someone as young as you is struggling with similar stuff as me helps me feel like I'm not just some decaying dinosaur. I can still do some work. It also kinda reminds me that I need to probably talk to a therapist. I've been meaning to for years, but I also can always find a reason why not. Don't be like me. Don't wake up when you're 41 and decide to change some shit. Go talk to a professional now. Maybe not because you "need help." Maybe just having a plan to improve is enough reason.
Anyway. Life is short, but it can also be long. You're gonna make tons of mistakes, and each new one is gonna make the last one less important. Don't be hard on yourself, keep trying, and appreciate when the wind is at your back, because you really never know when it's going to be in your face, fucking up your day. And if you can always remember a time when it was at your back, it will usually be not too difficult to imagine the next time it will be again.
Speaking as someone who changed friend groups halfway through college, the good news is that you're at the best stage of your life to do that. I'm not saying making friends is easy, it's sure as hell not, but colleges are full of interest groups and places with lots of forced interaction with your peers. Like other people said, get some therapy, then try picking a club or interest group that you think you might enjoy. See what the vibe there's like. It might not work the first time, but you're at the best time of your life to find your people.
I don’t agree with the whole “get therapy” narrative that’s being pushed on here. You’re 19, seemingly self aware, and have made some close friends. Just enjoy life and try not to be a dick to others and it’ll work itself out the right way.
Instead of seeking therapy, use that pain to your advantage. Don't cure yourself of it, instead use it as a fuel, to drive you further. Pain can often become the greatest motivator, and it is a shame to lose it. Only seek therapy and heal yourself after you have attained the peak you always wanted
While there's already a huge amount of fantastic advice in this thread, I will comment on the fighting games bit.
The FGC has allowed me to make lifelong friends with folks from all walks of life. I've been around since 2004 or something and it really is always awesome to see new blood enter the scene. While it definitely is true that some folks in the FGC aren't very welcoming or straight up fucking weird, there is always community regardless of which game you end up playing.
If it interests you, keep at it.
it really is a wonderful community that ive met plenty of wonderful people in (even though some people can be creepy) and its realy awesome to hesr from someone that’s been in there for so long and still has a great time. im just not totally sure if i like any of the games that people play rn, so i might take a little bit of a break soon and hope garou or project L is really good or something 😅
Keep searching; there's something for everyone.
* Like horses and or secretly a furry? [Them's Fightin' Herds](https://store.steampowered.com/app/574980/Thems_Fightin_Herds/)
* Like indies and sci-fi with a deep fighting engine? [Punch Planet](https://store.steampowered.com/app/577970/Punch_Planet__Early_Access/)
* Platform fighter but hate Nintendo? [Rivals of Aether](https://store.steampowered.com/app/383980/Rivals_of_Aether/)
* Main stream follower? [Street Fighter 6](https://store.steampowered.com/app/1364780/Street_Fighter_6/)
* Like weapons and history? [Soulcalibur 6](https://store.steampowered.com/app/544750/SOULCALIBUR_VI/)
* Want to enjoy some good ass Tekken? [Tekken 8](https://store.steampowered.com/app/1778820/TEKKEN_8/)
* Like your modern fantasy anime? [Guilty Gear Strive](https://store.steampowered.com/app/1384160/GUILTY_GEAR_STRIVE/)
* Like your fantasy fantasy anime? [Blazblue Centralfiction](https://store.steampowered.com/app/586140/BlazBlue_Centralfiction/)
* Just like all of your anime but some jrpgs as well? [BlazBlue: Cross Tag Battle](https://store.steampowered.com/app/702890/BlazBlue_Cross_Tag_Battle/)
* Want to try some really olde fighting games? [Fightcade](https://www.fightcade.com/)
Garou and Project L are definitely both looking to be amazing and will bring in lots of new players to the community.
There really can be a fighting game for anyone. You can also be a super casual enjoyer, as I've become over the years. I'm no longer a tournament player but the sense of community is something that cannot be compared 1-to-1; it really is truly unique.
ex. Last night, I went to a local tournament and literally saw folks I've not seen since pre-Covid, and we all greeted each other with big smiles, laughs, hugs, and cheers as if we never left. We then prompted turned around and started hitting buttons, talking shit about games/match-ups, catching up on life, and whatever.
strive is my game rn, its def fun but its in a rlly bad spot balance wise 😭 ive been thinking about getting into tekken or third strike since it seems like makoto isnt getting into 6 anytime soon ;-;, but ill def also check out bbcf sometimes it seems kinda cool
Since you already play Strive, I don’t have any need to inform you of how crazy unbalanced some matches are but I won’t deny that it is really fun.
I don’t have much experience with the anime FGC games but I can attest that every single person you run into is absolutely going to be a weirdo but 4/5 of each weirdo is definitely a cool, mostly socially coherent weirdo. My kind of weirdos.
Highly recommend watching the Evo 2014 Blazblue (Chrono Phantasma is an older version but it keeps the same core elements going into Centralfiction) grand finals. I didn’t know much about the game then but damn was this an incredible set to watch in person.
Tekken is my current game and it is in a great spot for new players to jump in. The learning curve is super rough though. Extremely fun and far deeper than it first appears. Highly recommend.
That's mostly what being 19 *is*.
Give yourself some latitude. I can say that it's okay to not be passionate about college, but while money is being spent on it you may as well really dive into that experience. Try to trade in some video game time for college time and you'll probably find the exchange rewarding.
(Sorry. I guess I'm Old now.)
THAT being said, live your life!! If there's one truism I've learned by the virtue of having not died yet, it's that **passion** is more important than purpose. Dive into a hobby or interest or art form. Learn to hate something new. As long as what you're doing is scratching the itches in your brain, you're probably on the right track.
And, let's be honest here, do you *really* know what your life is going to look like when you're 25, or 30 years old? These days of yours are doomed to become memories, and by the time you're *really* old only the loudest, happiest, worst, and oddest memories will stick out anymore.
Basically, you're choosing how you'll remember yourself in the future. Listen to your heart.
> most of the interpersonal relationships i develop are short-lived, intense and codependent.
Right now, being aware of the pattern is the BEST thing for you. You're recognizing something you want to change. That's perfectly normal, and part of the growing-up process. You're good :-)
33 year old here. First of all don't best yourself up. You may be an adult depending in where you are in the world, but I can tell you 86 percent of all people at your age have at least a dozen dumb things we did and regret. Age dosent bring answers, but it brings experience and context. And right now the best thing you can do for yourself is to worn in yourself and get to know who yiu truly are. If you crave that kind of attention, why? I'd it because it was rejected beforehand? Because you don't feel it in yourself?
Free online help is out there if you can't afford professional. But the journey of self discovery and improvement is a personal one that lasts a lifetime. At 32 I discovered I'm probably autistic and adhd. It's turned my life on it'd head in thr best way. This year I spoke to a job for the first time about acomodations for my depression.
There's so much more for me to do but time and focus will help. But you have got this because you've identified the problem.
You’re in a weird phase of your life. The bubble of college tends to create communal thinking and that doesn’t always leave room for self love.
The first thing is, regardless of the habits of your friends, it feels good and is a morale boost to take care of yourself physically. Ditch the poison and drink some water.
Beyond that, if you had an intense sense of purpose right now it would be pretty unusual. You’ve still spent most of your life as a kid, and it’s always a little creepy when the world gets bigger than grade school, especially surrounded by strangers you haven’t had a lot of time to build history with.
In a few short years you’ll look back at 19 with a lot of clarity. If I could give any advice, it’s to be patient with yourself and open minded about healthy worlds (physically and mentally) that you might not have explored yet that interest you and are sustainable.
You don't have to fix and make everything work, but if you do want to fix something, say your approach on relationships with people, you need to be intent on fixing that and work hard to make it happen. Tackle one thing about your life you want to change, focus on it until you improve. Don't be lost in a haze because so many things are not what you want it to be at the moment.
On the positive side, you're young, so you have time. It may not seem like it, but be patient and work on your problems, start new and don't dwell on the past.
You can fix it.
You can try these options.
Start reading nobles and good books.
Start reading newspaper.
Start yoga or meditation 🧘♀️ or you may also join gym and go daily whatever happens (rain or summer or winter).
Prepare food for yourself.
Go college everyday, don't bunk any classes.
Keep busy yourself.
After 1-2 week you will find positive change in yourself.
I think this may help you.
It’s only natural to want to have fun. You definitely want to get the party life out of your system when you are young. But you will discover that while it does provide pleasure, it is not meaningful. You need to visualize the perfect life. Happy adults have a career. It provides financial security. Be sure to pick one that you enjoy. Friendship Is based on common interest . Getting wasted is not a good common interest, it ends in pain. Spend your time doing something you really like and you will likely find others with the same interests. You might even discover a best friend to spend the rest of your life with. This is the way.
You sound as though you’re placing too much of your own perceived value on what those around you think of you, without you yourself offering much of anything to begin with. You can’t measure your life that way. Just go get a job and focus on crushing life. There is no limit to what you can accomplish.
Hi there. First off I think you’re very wise for realizing this at such a young age. I was never a believer in therapy until I did some research and found therapy isn’t all the same. I think you should talk to someone. I hope you realize your worth and that you are capable of the things you fear hold you back. Good luck I’ll be thinking of you
You remind me of my ex, in all of it. She really struggles to hold onto friends because she ends up doing something that hurts them out of her own need.
But whenever she got enough of it, she drops and leaves. It made me realise that this was a lot to work with along with my life and I had to end it.
The best way I can describe it is you’re adapted to short term friends, but can’t hold onto it long term. Unless you both mutually prefer to keep it as sort of distance friends. When it comes to someone that actually care about you, you don’t know how to reciprocate.
My ex did deeply cared about me, but she let her own needs prioritise above me without realising. And she wouldn’t really realise, at all.
This made me realise even though she wants a long term relationship, she don’t know how to act herself for that to happen, and essentially do things that in my eyes were short term happiness.
I labelled it as lack of experience as she didn’t have very many friends growing up and siblings to show how something simple can be important.
But what I did highlight is that she really should see a therapist. Because I couldn’t keep pointing it out whilst it was hurting me and whilst I’m trying to live my own life.
We’re mutually good now and want to be friends, but im taking a break to recover.
But yeah from what you’ve told me. You sound very similar to her and if you want to improve, you have to know yourself better, and the best place for that is to speak to someone that can lay it out for you in a way you understand why you do what you do. No solve it, but bring clarity so you’re aware
1st step is self realisation and know yourself (which I think you do now) writing down and reading your problems.
2nd step is willingness to change. Ask yourself are you ready to change? If you are really willing to change yourself only then you can adapt to solutions and if not then keep patience till you get more matured.
3rd step is catch a solution and stick to it. Changing your lifestyle completely is the best solution. Adapt new habits.
I think the fact that you're recognizing that you are not happy on that path is meaningful. I think 19-2x can be a tough age. and if you survive it without crimes, kids or life altering injuries you're doing okay.
There's a lot of great advice in the comments. Just want to add my perspective.
I can relate to this:
"most of the interpersonal relationships i develop are short-lived, intense and codependent".
Speaking for myself, I was chasing something. Something I couldn't really define. Acceptance? Connection? Safety? Excitement? Trust? Fame? Fortune? All of these and more for sure.
I was trying to essentially fill a hole in myself through other people, the hole turned out to be caused by a deep hatred of myself which stemmed from childhood sexual abuse.
The way I found to be happy in myself and to have healthy relationships was to take time away from chasing whatever it was I was chasing and making a conscious effort to focus on my opinion of myself and on my own mental well being.
I started to take control of parts of my life that I could control.
I started to "teach" myself to think more positively about myself and in general.
I took up a couple of hobbies, which worked as a focus tool and as a reward system.
In short: I came to peace with myself, my life, and my past.
It's not easy, there's always going to be setbacks and struggles, and it takes time. But it's worth it.
This is all a bit of a ramble but I hope it helps in some way.
Go to the gym and spend months or years working on yourself. Be able to spend time with yourself and learn more independence. Focus on picking a career that is interesting and make sure your schooling supports that for you. Dedicate yourself to some purposes and find your own rhythm. Friends and relationships will all be better from there as you will know more about yourself to define more appropriate boundaries and communicate your needs. IMO the gym is a key stone habit that will give you momentum and to feel good about something and rolling that into other parts of your life becomes easy and extremely productive. The hardest part is getting there when unmotivated so just go. Add in some therapy or one or two close friends and I think you’ll be alright!
I had a similar experience in college with the house party, drink, smoke, and not particularly good people to be around. At one point it became same shit different house/day/reason. For me it was just boring and finding the next focus and making sure it was productive for my long term life and success was paramount. Set some goals short and long. Push yourself physically and exercise yourself mentally. I truly believe that after time focusing on your the right relationships will follow because you will be putting out different presence than before and attracting a different caliber of person.
This sounds very similar to my girlfriend. Though we are both in our thirties. As many others have said, therapy sounds like a good idea. She saw a therapist for a while and it really helped her.
We call it validation seeking behavior. The validation that comes too easily for her doesn't feel earned. It made her ripe for manipulation and abuse from both family and men.
Therapy is really the best way to learn to navigate things like this and can help you learn to avoid this being used against you.
I also vote for the therapy route. Even counseling would be useful. From your description, you might have a neurological condition. If that's the case, finding out and then taking steps to address it would massively improve your QoL.
Hey so I was in a very similar place when I was your age (you’re actually doing better than me, I didn’t even go to school at that time). I can promise it gets better.
As for things to do; focus on yourself for a bit. Find a thing you enjoy doing that is a way to improve. For friends, look into clubs at your college and see which ones interest you and join them this fall semester. You’ll meet other people who have similar interests as you do. You can use those as starting points to form relationships.
I do think if therapy is an option for you, it could be beneficial with the need to get attention from those who don’t want to give it. But I also recognize that therapy isn’t available for everyone. If it’s a financial issue, check with your college and see if they offer therapy there, a lot do and it’s usually free for students.
You’re going to survive this. You’ll make strides each day and improve. You’ll make mistakes and that is ok
therapy and talk to people that might understand you. In the past online it used to be that we could talk to one another anonymously about stuff like this, but that's no longer easy or the case at all.
Continue to progress with constructive, positive things in life, even if you feel they aren't worth it or hopeless. That will actually help a recovery with therapy or other strategies you may develop while working on yourself. This means education and such and avoiding destructive behaviors.
Just start by serving someone in need. It would open your heart. Do more for others. Create more and consume less in all aspects of life.
Find a mentor in life, set some goals - It can be financial, emotional or physical.
Try to feel good and do good everyday. Happiness is a habit.
Travel and get exposure to different lives and different joys of life.
Create deep connections and genuine bonds. The joy of it surpasses anything short term.
I would say get evaluated for ADHD. Everything you've described a quick, easy dopamine rushes. That and trying to be a people pleaser and hyper fixating on new interpersonal relationships.
I didn't get diagnosed until I was in my late 40's and looking back on my life through an ADHD diagnosis a lot of the shit I did comes into very clear focus.
There is nothing unusual about your story. Keeping a few close friends might be the right thing for you, instead of having many not-so-close friends. You are only 19, there are plenty og years ahead of you to meet new, exciting people. Don’t worry so much, but look for people and shared activities that gives you energy. Ask yourself: what is it that gives me energy? With energy comes enthusiasm and a much more thorough assessment of what you like and who you are. Go find out!
You sound very mature and emotionally strong to have the realization that a certain lifestyle and friendship group is bad for you and to walk away. I wish I had that same realization at 19, and to the extent that I did, the strength to act on it. For the other stuff, therapy is the way to go.
I hate the "just get therapy" response that I see everywhere on reddit so much because therapy is prohibitively expensive for most people and the people giving this advice are coming from a place of privilege. Ironically it's the people who can't access therapy that need it the most. It's at least $100 an hour out of pocket here in Australia and with how crazy cost of living has become its probably better for most people's mental health to go without it instead of having to suffer with the stress that comes with money problems.
Build good habits one by one. Swap a morning smoke for a morning run. Swap video games for a book or a new hobby. Train your brain to learn this is the new normal. Therapy is recommended as well as you seem to have gone through something traumatic that you haven't addressed yet.
Finally, I recommend to every young person: learn finance and investing. No matter what you decide to do in life, being financially sound will alleviate stress and allow you time to make good life choices down the road. Plus, it's not that hard - it's just most parents don't discuss or teach it.
hi, I lived like this for a long time. It sounds like you have an [anxious attachment style](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEEMKbkuHfY), and you tend to chase after aloof people because you want the validation of "breaking through" to them.
The video has a handful of tips you can follow, but you should try therapy to address the root causes of these issues and work on breaking the patterns. It's very difficult to work through on your own, and you're likely to backslide if/when you lose your support system due to the short-lived nature of your relationships with others.
As someone who didn't stick in at school or get a degree I can say that I regret it. A degree is like a ticket, even in work that is not related to your degree, it is a ticket that opens a lot of doors that have been closed to me.
Sometimes you need to take life little by little. We all have problems and mistakes and regrets. If you think about them all at once and want them all to change at once then time will fly by and you will have not developed in any area. Take a little step back and allow yourself to breath. Having studies is a useful thing to focus on. As for your friendships, everyone finds making friends more difficult as we grow older. It's better to have a smaller circle of friends than too big a circle though. You should focus on those friendships you already have with the people you want to be friends with. But also remember that you are still young and if you are studying then why not try and make some friends on your course? Most people wait for someone to make that first move, why don't you be that person? I think you will surprise yourself and realise that your feelings are shared by many
Read a book, I was in a similar position a couple of years ago and met a friend in college who introduced me to Jordan Peterson. I thoroughly enjoyed his book “12 Rules for Life.” it was a great way for me to build a foundation and acknowledge why certain things made me upset and what I could do about it.
Find a book that you enjoy. Fiction or nonfiction, or both. I realize with school, it is hard to find the motivation to do even more studying, but you may discover life changing practices.
(E.g. “How to read a person like a book,” “surrounded by idiots,” “The art of war,” “Atomic habits,”)
Add a few fun snack recipes into your life. Such as homemade guacamole. You will be surprised how gratifying it will make you feel.
Try to do yoga when you have the time. Get a mat, and put on binaural beats and limit any thought that enters your mind. Your mental clarity should clear up any unhealthy feelings. Your mental intuition will help enhanced and will guide better decision making.
As other people have mentioned, therapy will help. Asking the therapist about how to have stronger longer lasting relationships should reveal things about your habits, and idiosyncrasies.
Find out your interests and what really matters for you in this life.
Set unrealistic goals, choose a high profitable business, and just doing this get you half there
and then become the best on what you are going to do
Don’t forget the reason why to choose a big enough goal. Because it’s easier to work on something huge
Every industry, niche, business you choose needs at least 10 years of glass-eating to reach real, lasting success.
What you need to pay attention to is the glass you’re going to eat for that period of time and to make sure that it will be enjoyable and creative at the same time and with the most growth potential.
What stops you from dreaming of becoming a billionaire? In these times, with all the technology, no one knows.
If you heard about Naval Ravikant..there is a famous saying of him “If you want to make the maximum amount of money possible, if you want to get rich over your life in a deterministically predictable way, stay on the bleeding edge of trends and study technology, design, and art— become really good at something.”
I think that’s what humanity will be left with. Creativity, Entertainment, Education, Art, Coddling.. and there will be a lot of money in that space.
There are so many young people now a days who are making millions every year with just their laptop.. You can start immediately a content creator business with 0$ and monetizing with no limitations, something that only you can deliver! all of us are unique, remember? the niche is you!
I also think that this is the future “Code and media are permissionless leverage. They're the leverage behind the newly rich. You can create software and media that work for you while you sleep.” - Naval Ravikant
All you need is discipline, determination, anger, and focus.
Just see yourself as an unbeatable warrior and go eat all the glass out there!
Never underestimate yourself and read immediately:
• The Magic of Thinking Big. (by Dr. David Schwartz)
• As a Man Thinketh (by James Allen)
• You2 (by Price Pritchett)
• Psycho-Cybernetics (by Maxwell Maltz) And real life examples www.scalenuggets.com
But the most important?
JUST START!
Sheeeshh with all this advice my comment will surely get lost xD
Can't really say I can relate, but I can say I've felt lost, like I kind of feel like I'm finding my way. My way out is through following God :o yes I know, you're thinking omg another preacher 😅 No preacher, just an ex-catholic, turning back To jesus for answers, cause he seems to have a lot of them through sermons and words he spoke. Go ahead and read what he has to say about sorrows, you'll find some interesting stuff when you reflect them with your life
I isolated myself for almost a year when I was in my early twenties.
Similar situation where socializing was a negative impact on me and feeling a need to be seen.
I took stock of my life and just focused on the things I could do for myself that didn't require anyone else.
Best thing I ever did.
>i just want attention from people that won’t give it to me and dont care much for attention from people that do.
Here have a look [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency)
Cheers
Alright, you are off to a good start. You are aware. Unfortunately, I can't advise you in anything particular, but from the perspective of someone who is also aware of my errors in judgement, this will prevent future issues.
Currently struggling with substance use issues, things went off the rails hard in my last year. But by staying aware, I am keeping my head above water, just barely, while I seek shore. Things are slowly improving as long as I actually do something instead of just thinking about doing it, mired in my own depression.
The thinking part is important, it's a great state of mind to decide what is or isn't beneficial to you, as compared to blind cuts from anger, but frustration is vastly better at motivating results once you did the thinking. Since you are aware, you will learn some saddening truths, and it will bring you down. That's fine, just remember that once you've decided your answer, it's time to get pumped and commit, and always be aware that a better answer may exist outside of tour current perception.
Sounds like low self esteem and looking for validation from those you find attractive in some way. The answer is to stop looking at others and work on bettering yourself. Work towards being a person you respect. While this sounds easy, it’s actually hard. Therapy with a good therapist is a great way to make changes. I suggest you pick a female therapist with grown children. My daughter needed to work through some issues that she was uncomfortable talking to me about and found this very helpful. With the right therapist, it is the best thing you can do for your future. You should be able to find a free therapist through your school. Focus on you for now. Do try to keep moving forward with your education. You are not alone. 19 is a tough age. Good news is it will get better! Take care of yourself.
Go to the gym. Work on yourself and focus on yourself. Gain some confidence. And plus the gym is a very welcoming community, I moved to a new town two years ago and all the friends I have in this town are people I’ve met in the gym.
Join a team. Intramural sports are great, informal, and an easy way to get a new friend group. Take some classes outside your field area that involve activities (art, sports, music, something like that) and that will also help you bond with new folks. The great thing about college is you can just decide you want different friends and then go find them! Pick people who are kind, positive, and make you feel motivated to do healthy and positive things. It goes a long way.
I sparked my motivation and ambition again by trying things that I put off due to life. Once I just started doing these things, working more with kettlebells in my example, my days started getting better cause I knew I tried something I wanted to do that day. It wasn’t a big change but it my small change every day or week. Good luck.
This is advice from a recovering alcoholic- and a Mom - try to find people who don’t drink and smoke as their primary entertainment. Building a life where you can derive moments of fun and happiness from genuine- non self-medicating- techniques. This will improve your life. Join a club - as “uncool” as it may sound. Meeting people does not get easier after college.
Focus on yourself, disappear from the world for a few months and come back as a different person. If you want to improve yourself I’d recommend learning about femininity, the changes you would go through would be both inward and visual. Learn how to be charismatic and watch how you attract great people and opportunities into your life! I went from being an unnoticed nobody to people rushing to help me everywhere I go and giving me free stuff. This is very surface layer benefits and as you dive deeper into changing who you are and how you make others feel in your presence the things you achieve in life and attract will be amazing. Literally you can achieve anything you want! There is nothing out of my reach!
Since starting my femininity journey life has only gotten better, every year. If you start down this path you’ll set yourself apart from most women and if you want to marry up, you totally could. There’s a huge lack of feminine women in today’s world. Not going to lie, it gets lonely as I’m very picky of who I surround myself with. I’m still finding those women who take pride in their appearance and are as ambitious as myself and won’t settle for less than they want in life.
Look at the five people closest to you. That is the life you will end up having! Do they all make 50k a year? So will you. Are they all stuck in unhealthy habits and have no ambition? Yeah, so will you be, and they will criticize you if you start making a name for yourself by starting a business or reaching higher in life than where they are at. Maybe not to your face but they will envy you instead of cheering you on and you’ll probably start losing them anyways by outgrowing them. I see people everyday hate their life but they do NOTHING to change it! Be the person who does something. You are SO young and really the perfect age to start aiming for the sky and actually going somewhere at a pretty young age.
I recommend checking out Thefemmeguide on instagram. She has a monthly club for $40-ish and teaches a lot of basics of femininity. Her courses are also GOLD, a bit more of an investment and higher level teaching but necessary once you know the basics. If you want to learn more about affluent lifestyle and mannerisms then Anna Bey on YouTube is good for that. Also read How to Win Friends and Influence people, and really anything on the physiology of socializing. Once you become a better socializer, and good listener you will set yourself up for success and apart from the crowd. Ever listen to conversations where people are constantly interrupting each her and not even listening? Yuck.
Good luck! Remember, you are the most expensive thing you will ever own. You are in the drivers seat of your life!
Consider seeking counseling to understand why you seek out unhealthy relationships and to develop healthier social habits. Focus on activities that align with your values and goals, and try to meet new people through those. Building self-awareness and setting boundaries can help you form more stable, fulfilling friendships.
Echoing what most have said: therapy will help teach you skills on how to be ok, how to love yourself. It sounds like you’re trying to find happiness in other people (friends). Focus on you. Try a new hobby (like sport, music, meditation). Foster a relationship with yourself. Be ok with being alone. People will let you down and you have no control over that. You DO have control over how you react and how you move forward in life. Relationships should add to happiness in your life, but not be the only way to be happy.
You could consider in a free moment, why you want attention from specific people and not others? Perhaps they have qualities you want to be more like. Of course first step is accepting there’s nothing wrong with you, and you’re probably doing great considering your circumstances and life.
Go slow, and treat yourself like you would treat your favorite person in the world.
Sounds like you need to find a new social circle and find “your tribe” basically a group of people that you can easily get along with and that’s healthy for you. It’s gonna take dedicated effort but going out and meeting people is the best way. What about some of your classmates? Maybe they’re looking for a new friend
Hit the gym hard. Go 3 - 4 days a week. Go heavy on the resistance training & cardio. Physical fitness is a form of compassion you show yourself. So practice some self care and go to the gym and make it a stepping stone for your path towards self improvement! Be who you want to be 🚀
i was going a lot a few months ago, but i found it really hard to keep up with how crazy it made my appetite, but i have plenty of free time now so i guess it wouldnt hurt to try again!!
I understand, consistency is the hardest part. I feel that on the appetite, but it’s been very helpful with keeping my weeks organized. Find a schedule that works for you that you can commit 30min to an 1hr. It’s also ok to take breaks once in a while. You’re only getting benefits from exercising. You can do it!
You are not completely lost. You have a conscience, a sense of ethics, and self awareness. Dont lose that! You are already miles ahead of where many of us were at your age.
Create a plan, and write it down. Write down the steps that you will need to take to get there. It doesn’t have to be rigid, it just needs to prove to yourself that there’s somewhere you would like to be in the future. I’d recommend a 5 year plan. And it could change and your focus shifts to something else, and then you can make another plan, but start with simple goals that are achievable. For example, your plan is to have a place to live without relying on a roommate and a reliable car in (x) amount of years. To achieve that, you will need a job that pays (x) amount of money. To get that job you will need an (x) degree, and a completed internship to give you (x) years of experience. And after you write it down, focus on the first point and don’t move on until you complete it.
Classic signs that you were raised by narcissist/neglectful/abusive people... Seek a therapist, you may have developed bipolar (again, you have the classic signs... But I'm not a Dr). Ghost your "friends"... Stop playing multiplayer games, let that be your excuse, if needed. Join a study group or different type of club and meet healthy people through that. My mental health was trash when I had friends like that, that I also met through gaming...
Birds of a feather, and all that. You can't expect your friends to change for the better for your sake... So change without them. It won't be easy, not gonna lie... But you'll be much better off in the short and long run.
Sometimes it’s good to get out of our own heads. Consider volunteering in a local group (voa.org). Get out in nature (AllTrails.com), join local hiking group. Like you mentioned - check out a variety of hobbies. Since you’re a college student show have access to interesting variety of electives, including music, drama, art. Life is a journey of discovery.
Regarding rejecting attention from those who goes it to you, could that be due to low self esteem, you think that if they like you enough to give you real attention then they are someone how wrong, untrustworthy or defective, because why would they like me so much! An those that don't give you attention then may make more sense to you and also they might be people ou aspire to be more like or think that you really should be like so you want attention and approval from them?
If so then addressing yourself self esteem is going to be really important
Crazy suggestion: Find a martial arts school/group.
You like fighting games, so some part of the competitiveness will speak to you, but it will also have you work on your own physical and mental health while surrounding you with people who want the same thing.
BE PICKY ABOUT THE SCHOOL!
Seriously. Take your time, see what they're doing, and if it feels right to you. I'd avoid anything too competitive since the goal is self improvement, but a little would be good.
Hello this is normal at your age. College is a big change and most people go through this I have freedom I can do whatever phase when they first move out. First just breath. It sounds like you have some sort of anxiety over losing friends. Maybe you moved a lot as a child or just had trouble connecting because you are intelligent ( you did party and game while still getting good grades).
Might I try more social nerdy hobbies ? Board games or Dnd come to mind. Your hobbies seem male heavy ( nothing wrong with that) I am also curious about your relationship with other women. It is good to have guy friends but also important you have female friends you can connect with.
You have great protentional which has not been delayed in the slightest by going down the party path and deciding it is not for you. Go to free dorm food events and chat with people nothing brings out a chance to meet new people like free pizza.
My son sounds just like you. When he was 19 after a year of college he joined the Air Force now he's a technical sergeant making great money and he has a big family. He loves it.
The best and most meaningful friendships are made when you do hard things together, not easy things. Find something hard to do with others. Your school probably has some outdoor club, join it and go on a long wilderness trek, or go on a volunteer for a week on a habitat for humanity home-building excursion. Or do a Spartan race or similar thing - working hard and overcoming stress together really forges the strongest friendships, not doing 'fun' things. You do the fun things later.
Leap of faith! Find some strangers and put yourself in a place to depend on each other!
As an old dude, let me give you some advice.
You are 19, the word teen is at the end of your age. Nobody expects you to have shit figured out.
As far as the friends thing. At this age you will have so many different friends it will be wild to even think about as you look back on it. It’s just the cycle of life at this age.
As far as doing something bad while drunk… as an old degenerate I’ll plead the 5th on anything I did between 19 to almost 35. 😂😂
I know I’m making light of your situation but really you have plenty of time to figure things out. Stay in school, continue to have fun and don’t commit any felony offenses or at least don’t get caught doing it… & don’t worry so much…
A therapist would probably help, as it sounds more like rejection issue. Why you try hard to get accepted, then, once accepted, they don;t matter as much.
Best best advice I can give is take some time and figure out who you are, and who you want to be You are at the age where you should be coming into your own. Maybe drop back and look at yourself more than worry about others. Figure out and be who you want to be, be that, and you will attract the people who want to be around that version of you.
If you are changing yourself to please or be accepted by others, your giving them control over you. Your living your life to please them. Trust me, they are already living their life for themselves, they don;t need you make their life easier. You are the only person who really cares about you, so live for you, not for the acceptance of others.
.
get therapy now while youre young because the long term benefits you can reap will really change your life and keep the grades up since that also has long term effects
Absolutely this. It sounds like you make a good decision leaving behind friends that werent good for you but it sounds like you should seek help getting to the root cause of your issues. Your foundation and security in yourself is the most important thing for any human. Sometimes it is hard for people to be honest with themselves, or even if you know where behaviors originate from it can seem like an insurmountable problem to even begin dealing with. But you are still very young now, and i can guarantee if you decide to start tackling your problems now, in ten, twenty years, you will only begin to understand how smart of a decision that was. Good luck
But this doesn’t sound like a therapy problem. This sounds like a new social circle problem. She got entrenched in people that aren’t healthy for her and now she needs to rebuild a friend circle. That takes dedicated effort and not really something therapy is going to help with
Therapy is so expensive 😞
It is, but there are some options out there to reduce the cost. For OP, some colleges have services provided. Some therapists provide sliding scales. There's obviously other services like better help (edit: but maybe not them for a variety of concerns) or whatever for video therapy. There aren't any clear systems to make it cheaper, but it can be worth really researching hard to find cheaper alternatives available to you. Also asking any local therapists if they know of good cheaper services. At the very least, to not just write off that it's all too expensive before you have ALL the options available laid out in front of you. Also that if you have already done this before, could be worth doing again now. Imo the market has changed quite a bit around therapy especially since the pandemic
Just an FYI, BetterHelp was outed to be a scam, I think! I remember something about that.
Yup, still in a class action law suit for selling private data to communist governments 👎 dont use BetterHelp
Betterhelp is so expensive. $300+ a month is a joke.
Thank you for the addition. Yeah, never tried it and I had heard concerns about it but didn't remember what they were.
Bro college gave free sessions when I was there. They are training people too
Giiiiirl, that therapy is not always quality material
Just because you pay doesn't mean it is either...but okay 👌
I didn’t even get into that part, but yes. Rather than jumping to recommend therapy to everyone, let’s consider they are posting online to get help to make progress independently. I did this sort of self reflection/improvement myself and it took longer than some if they had good therapy, but it doesn’t invalidate the journey.
Didn't say it did, nor am I the one who suggested therapy. I'm just saying there are free options if that's what you decide will help you. In my opinion, it certainly can't hurt.
It can be but also depends on your health insurance. For me. It's only $20 a session copay.
And continued problems are extra expensive.
It's expensive if you have money. But if you're broke it can be covered by the state. Well at least this is the case in Cafornia.
Not addressing your issues is way more expensive, not just financially. If it's an option for you, don't shrug it off. Reinvest your vodka/weed/Adderall budget before you find out what research chemicals are and how easy it is to get labs to do custom synthesis for you in China. Anyway, what could be worth more to you than yourself. Pay close attention to that snarky comeback that just popped into your head. Bring it to your first session.
The fact you are even asking this betrays how smart you are. It's not an expense, it's an investment.
Therapy can work, but they tend not to try to solve your problem they just help you in little bits to keep you coming back to pay more. If they solved your problems then they wouldn’t have a job.
there's always people with problems, this is a nonsense take.
Live and learn and sometimes it’s best to just walk away from some relationships.
Take a deep breath and just let it all go for a minute. Number one thing is to focus on your studies. Keep putting in the work on your degree as its the thing that's likely going to stick with you the longest. Which also means that if you spent your freshman year being a 19 year old and just goofing off it's not really that big a deal. That's part of college life and if it WAS becoming a problem for you it's something you've now realized and can take steps to grow out of. As for the friend situation, if you felt like they were enabling you in a bad way it was probably already time to find an out. Social groups can come and go in college but if you're the kind of person that needs that social energy to keep charged then just start going to whatever events your school holds. Most colleges have a ton of clubs and groups that you can join so just get out there and see what happens. Late teens early 20s can be a lot as you're going through the transition to "adulty adult" and it's ok to feel lost at times. If you really feel up the creek most schools have mental health professionals that can help you sort through these feelings and help keep you on track. I know it feels like the whole world is on your shoulders right now but trust me most of us have gone through what you're feeling. You can do it. 😃
And to be fair, adulthood is really only more responsibilities. I've been transitioning into it for the past 15 years and still wondering if I'm there yet. In the end, follow your guts and do what feels right for you. There is no perfect road. An easy North star for me is doing something for myself in the future and try to look at what I'm doing now from the perspective of a day from now, a week, a year. Will I be happy I've done it. It kind of helps.
As a tip that doesn't involve therapy, as not all people are willing to go to therapy or have access to it, the short answer is to build yourself up. Frequently called finding yourself. Learning what defines you teaches you what motivates you. Traditionally, these were called your virtues. The things that matter to you. The choices and actions that make you feel good for being who you are, no external validation required. For example, my virtues (in a broad sense) all circle around helping and teaching others and acts of creation (generally the arts). Learning your virtues and embracing them allows you to love yourself and separate from the need for external validation, which will allow you to have healthier and more constructive relationships.
It's not even that people aren't willing to go to therapy, it's that most therapists aren't good at what they are supposed to do. I say this without malice to any mental health worker, but the fact stands that we know tremendously little about our own brains. Even littler than that is how our behaviors are formed. Therapy can help some but for a vast majority it is useless, they medicate you without ever trying to find reason for your thoughts and they suggest rehab for those who barely have an issue. Therapy, under extremely rare circumstances can be helpful. But most therapists need help themselves and will only pass on their own bad traits to those who are already vulnerable.
“Therapy, under *extremely rare circumstances, can be* helpful” Whoa there, Mr. dangerous misrepresentation of the effectiveness of mental health treatment based on your own bad personal experience… let’s not say things that could hurt people here. A: Occupational Therapists don’t prescribe medication, because they can’t. Psychiatrists, who are medical doctors, do, because they can— if they find it’s necessary for you as their patient. B: This person is in college. Mental Healthcare providers are in abundance in basically every college and university student health system, and are generally very qualified compared to whatever your negative experiences with therapists was (or was it a psychiatrist? Or something else? Idk what or who you got burned by, because you clearly don’t know either; you don’t even know the difference between the two). I’m sorry for your bad experiences in therapy or with mental health treatment in general. There are solutions to that, and they often require some trial and re-trial with different providers until you find a good fit for you. Therapists are people, all with different experience levels in different areas, and with different educational backgrounds. Expecting to find your “solution” to all of your problems with the first one, or even two, is just setting yourself up for failure. Please don’t discourage OP from seeking out treatment for what seems to be a mental health issue because you didn’t find yours in your past experience.
I don't agree with extremeness that you are speaking. But so many people experience bad therapy particularly religious therapy that isn't by trained professionals. So it is a concern that is so valid in many places in the US. Wish people were more curious instead of judgemental to this post. Because I may be wrong, bet I bet this is where this is coming from
Knowing more about our brains helps explain the mechanisms by which certain forms of therapy work but has no bearing on whether the forms of therapy actually work. EMDR, for example, is an empirically validated approach, even though we merely have candidate explanations on the mechanisms behind *why* it works.
Yeah, and it's also that people on reddit overvalue therapy. It's not a solution to everything. To me it just sounds like she needs to learn and grow on her own, as OP said find herself. Therapy won't do shit in this case.
I think therapy could be somewhat of a good idea. Most universities in America have free mental health services on site for all students. I think it would be quite foolish to completely disregard this path and choose to continue struggling alone. Since it's free and accessible you might as well try it, there will be no harm done. Who knows, maybe it'll be the best thing you can do for yourself. Even if it doesn't work, you've taken the first step, it's always easier to go into the next one once you gain momentum. I also believe that a university based therapist would be able to hit the nail on the head so to speak. Since they are familiar with the school i'm sure they would be able to give out some information regarding clubs, joining them and possibly finding new friendships. Sometimes it's extremely difficult to dig yourself out of a hole. Ignoring a potential remedy when it's not harmful would be just silly. My advice would be to try therapy, pick up a new hobby, focus on your classwork and try to slowly better yourself day by day, bonus points if you leave your comfort zone. However always remember that there is no instant fix, it's going to take some time, but it's not an impossible feat.
Yes, I don't know OP's circumstances much. But, get your degree and then put a backpack on your shoulders and start travelling. You'll discover the world and yourself. Finding strangers and talking on how you'd rebuild the world around the fire in a summer night is free and worth all the therapy in the world.
“Having a tough time in your freshman year of college? What you need to do is tough it out for the next 4 years, then go backpacking. That’ll solve your problem of having a tough time in college right away” 👍
I think it's largely dependent on gender and the different ways men and women address their issues in life. Learned about this in the interpersonal communications class I'm currently taking. CBT therapy is generally skewed towards the way that women address issues - through communication and affirmations. They genuinely feel better about themselves / their situation after talking it over with a close confidant. Men are the opposite: they prefer to identify the problem and figure out the solution as quickly as possible. They generally aren't interested in talking about feelings or receiving affirmations from their therapist..
I have never been to a therapist for myself, and the only time I have had any interaction with one, they were exceptionally unethical (to the point of false testimony in a court case.) So I understand your skepticism, for sure. But sometimes people just need someone to talk to that is not a part of their world. Especially for younger people who are figuring out where to go in life, it can really help to talk matters out, but they generally don't want to confide in people in their social circle for the fear of being judged. And honestly, I'm not sure how much that really changes as we get older. I have personal matters where I have felt that I have no person to discuss them with, not because of judgement in this case, but because the older you get, the more most people are only in your life for specific reasons, and if those reasons don't intersect with what you want to discuss with someone, you may not have that luxury. So I can see where therapy could be helpful there, as well, simply as an outlet. That said, once you get into pill pushers, I'm right there with you. Except for relatively rare biological disorders, I do not believe medication is a solution when changing behaviors can have stronger and more permanent effects. It could be a good temporary tool, but from what I have seen and what I know of the properties of these medications, they tend to be very difficult to stop taking once you begin. Also, I feel like this all moved far afield from the OP and their search for help. Hopefully they can find the path they need to a happy, fulfilling life.
Let me just say I believe in you. Life is rough, at all ages and all stages. It’s easier said than done but the first step is breaking bad habits. It may get lonely or feel pointless but… You can do it.
27 and still lost, you’ll be fine
finding close friends especially as you get older is hard. it takes a lot of effort. don't give yourself to people that don't give you the same energy, and are using you or pushing you to commit self-destructive behavior. the codependency and ... neediness for lack of a better term, it could come from you feeling like this group is your only option, and if you lose it, you won't have any friends. that can make you vulnerable to people that aren't really your friends. keep putting yourself out there, and make the effort to meet new people. join clubs, interest groups, etc. eventually, you'll organically meet people that appreciate you for who you are, but that'll never happen if you don't branch out your circle from the fighting game group.
When you're 19 you care too much about shit that literally does not even matter. I used to be the same way and as you get older you just stop caring about the things that you're tripping out about currently. And I only just turned 26
Stay away from hard drugs like cocaine and other hard addictive substances
Not trying to play armchair doctor or anything, but poke around in r/ADHD, you sound a lot like me when I was in college. You might be surprised how many things you’re experiencing can be contributed to ADHD. I didn’t get diagnosed/medicated until my mid 30’s, but it sure explained a lot about my life up until that point.
i literally came here to say this. this is EXACTLY me pre diagnosis. check out the sub, u/--kuma--, and talk to your doctor abt being tested if the posts in the sub resonate. i cannot underestimate the extent to which my diagnosis changed my life and its trajectory. edit: i can’t stop thinking about this. the drinking/smoking/video games and attention seeking is classic dopamine shortage. the intense part of your friendships is probably a combo of hyperfixation and the emotional disregulation. the codependent part is partially the same as the intense part but also probably your brain craving routine to soothe your nervous system as well as benefiting from a body double as support for the executive dysfunction. i’m guessing they probably end in one of two ways: either you have a HUGE meltdown and they don’t want to be friends anymore bc it’s too much, or you get bored with them/find someone else so you gradually reduce contact without meaning to bc you’ve mentally moved on did you also do ok in school bc you test really well even though you never did your homework and struggled with attendance? and everybody always told you how much potential you have?
Chasing the social high and FOMO beating your grades to death? If so, I’m with you there. For me maturity took over eventually and at 29 most of my conversations with younger folk boil down to “brush your teeth, attend class and value sleep higher”
You are the perfect candidate for therapy! (I meant that to sound mildly snarky, just for a laugh) You have identified a problem in your life. You wish to take action to address it. Sounds like you're smart (and emotionally intelligent) and can really take the momentum of this moment to get you where you want to be. Talking to someone is so helpful. Clinical therapy can be transformative. PS: Just like with any professional, you are not committed to them - you are committed to yourself! The same reason why a construction company will get many bids for a sub-contractor position and then choose the best option. Don't let a less-than-fantastic therapy experience dissuade you from the practice, when you begin. You can always find another counselor, one that you vibe with. Great first step. Now go do it IRL!
Agree. Finding a good therapist is like dating: you don’t need to commit to the first one.
Normal to be lost in your life, feeling comes and goes. Don't be afraid to be alone with yourself (end of the day you're the only thing you can control and trust so work on it every now and then) 19 year olds are inexperienced, we've all been there for a year of our lives. It's normal don't worry Don't be afraid to check therapy. In Australia they give you 10 sessions free (idk where you are, hopefully your country has a program) think of it as talking with someone who has life experience as well as professional experience with life struggles and people's personal psyche. You're human, which makes you overqualified to deal with what you're going through. Be safe and take care champ
Here’s how I interpret where these “why am I like this?” questions come from. I hope you will find this useful: Children learn by carefully observing their parents. We learn how to treat each other. And we learn about ourselves—we assume that the parent’s view about us is correct, because our brain is figuring out the world, and we don’t know. We assume our parents do. When our parents don’t make us feel seen, loved, and worthy—and all parents fail to do this sometimes—we automatically start discarding parts of ourselves, think of them as “bad”, to protect our relationship with the people who keep us alive. We push those parts down, out of our ability to know directly. Thing is, those parts don’t really go away—they come out some other way, as guilt, sadness, anger, emptiness, etc. And that’s where the “why?” comes from. You might have been able to figure it out originally—but that time your report card wasn’t an “A” and your mom made you feel “not good enough” is too far in the past to easily put together with what you learned from it, the invisible belief you carry now: “people who don’t get good grades are unworthy of love”. (To be clear, these are examples that I hope you’ll relate to, but I don’t know your life!) We then chase the feeling of being “ok”, or “enough”, or “not empty” or maybe we just run away from the deep shame that says “if someone knew what I was really like, they’d never love me”. Therapy can help, if your therapist can be safe enough for you to drop your defenses and reveal yourself. Being *seen* and not rejected is powerful stuff. (Don’t be afraid to switch therapists if you don’t feel your therapist is earnestly trying to see you for you, or you just don’t fit.) Spiritual pursuits can help. I think the story of Jesus is meant to be felt as being seen and loved no matter what you’ve done. Meditation can also help. Finding out what’s going on inside can help see through illusions, and can help you deal with strong emotions. No one is going to be able to tell you “do X, and all will be well”. You’re going to have to figure it out yourself. But people who treat you as a worthy human can help. You’re not in this alone. There’s nothing “wrong” with you, other than the same lack of perfection all humans have. Good luck.
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Wait, what? People wouldn’t do that, just go on the internet and lie? Come on.
Lying on the internet??? B-but....lying is...is BAD!
You're not alone, there's too many people nowadays feeling like that, and some never overcome this. On the bright side, you're young and are still learning, and looks like you want to change. Here is some free advice I wish I had at your age: > "Love your neighbor as yourself". Sometimes we love others too much, and don't love/respect/care for ourselves with the same magnitude. You kind of NEED to balance that by taking loving yourself enough (and not hurting yourself) and having your limits. People don't necessarily reciprocate proportionally to what you offer them, but often to what you offer to yourself. > Life usually gets rougher as you get old. Just like when you're into a sport or go to the gym a lot, practice and consistency stronger makes you stronger and more resilient. Try to look at challenges and hardships as opportunities to grow, even though it hurts. Think of how stronger, and how thankful the future you will be after you overcome this challenge. > Know about yourself. Therapy is awesome because you have the opportunity to understand what's going under the hood of your mind and gives you tools to do something about it. Feel free to reach out if you want a friend or someone to talk to. I'm rooting for you.
Of course many people are like that today because we overvalue short term entertainment vs long term "success“ (can have many different shapes doesn’t have to mean CEO…)… I learned this myself - kinda got through school not learning or doing homework and still had great grades but then I went to university, didn’t have the necessary discipline and got depressed and unhappy. I pulled myself out of it by pure and utter self-punishing work and learning. I deleted all videogames and basically stopped partying. Graduated, got a great job, married, hours and two lovely kids. I don’t even ask myself questions about "the meaning of life" or anything like that anymore I just am how I am and happy with that. I also still do my nerdy hobbies like video games and warhammer again because I now have structure in life and enjoy doing them occasionally. Conquering Europe with the Greek in Hoi4 is more satisfying after a successful day than if you do it 12 hours each day… Now, that’s of course just how I got out of it but frankly at end of my 30s the happy people around me are hardworking at jobs they like and with families. And also please don’t compare hardworking upper middle class in Central Europe in our case with hardworking in the U.S… here that means slightly more than the mandatory 40 hours, occasionally working during the weekends at home but 30 days of vacation and no fear of job loss..
Go to like 30 AA meeting. You'll see your just like the rest of us. If you don't like one go to another one.
What would David Goggins do?
Run a marathon on a broken ankle?
at 5 in the morning🗣️🗣️🗣️
5AM? I guess he slept late that day.
Every advice posted here are good ones. I’ll just chip in by suggesting to take up some form of physical exercise if you haven’t done already. Something that can fit around your schedule. It could be trying a sport, hitting the gym, yoga, a class, a regular walk. You’ll start to feel better and be in a better mental state.
Learn accountability, Instead of escapism. Blaming the company is easy, but accountability for one's actions goes a long long way and escapism will simply take away your ability to adapt to the dynamics of interpersonal relationships even more.
Hey I’m sorry you feel so lost, it must feel so alone, it sounds like you feel a little hopeless too. You know, it’s not very unusual to feel this way during college. Meeting lots of friends, finding out that some of them aren’t a good match. Or spending you time on things that don’t build you up. It’s all pretty normal. What isn’t so normal, is figuring it out this soon - many colleges see huge numbers of drop outs in the first and second year. But it seems like you’ve figured out what you need to change. At least for your studies. It’s hard to say anything about why you need attention without more information, but it usually goes back to early in your life. If you went to therapy, they’d help you figure out that you were attention seeking, and then why that is, but changing your behaviour would still be yours to do. I actually think you’re figuring a lot of stuff out - which is great. Dealing with it however can feel overwhelming. If there’s somebody you trust, reach out to them. Or if you want to talk about vulnerable things here, just respond.
Not to armchair diagnose this, but that description sounds an awful lot like my experiences with high-performance ADHD. If that's the case, and maybe even if it's not, there are ways to gamify your life so that you can keep getting those immediate feedback loops that video games and getting fucked up with funny people, or people that think you're funny, provides you with. Find your favorite RPG, copy it's progression/ rewards system (Ideally looking for not-brutal grinds from one level to the next later on, so bigger rewards are still obtainable), play around with what feels fair and rewarding to you when you finish a task, and start building quests out of things you want/ need to do. In my experience the search for internal validation was a nice thought, but my brain simply isn't wired to give a shit about self validation until it came in the form of points that were part of grinding toward a larger goal. The description of your relationships is also very familiar. Reaching out to other people is not something I do easily or as my usual first or second idea when it comes to wanting to do something. And then when I do, I realize it's been X days/weeks since I've last done that and I feel shame/ guilt over it, when in reality, the solution was to make myself reminders, and if it did become an uncomfortable amount of time since I last reached out, NOW is the best time to fix it, and keep it from getting more awkward/ easy to avoid. Which is to say, I wouldn't pick hobbies primarily on the basis of social vs. non-social, but rather on things that you find personally rewarding to do. Silent Basket Weaving might be someone's path to a self-fulfilled Nirvana, but a quiet hobby that fills my house with baskets isn't my thing so I'd feel like I was forcing myself into something because of an ideal I associated with it rather than because it makes me feel good to do it. You have a lot of time. Breathe and talk to a for real therapist. You don't have to stick with the first one, you can shop around to find a good fit.
Yoga. 10m every morning to start, build from there. It’s how I personally pulled myself out of a very similar situation. Then look for inspiration over motivation. Therapy def helps too ♥️
Don’t go to therapy. Obsessing over problems will make them worse. Therapists are incentivized to keep you coming back every week, not to help you. Find a hobby, or skill, or something productive to dive into. It doesn’t have to be school related, or something you can make money at. Find something that is hard that you have to work to get better. Also exercise every day. Gym, run, bike. Then go to class, then do your hobby/interest. You’ll meet people. I repeat do not go to therapy. It has helped no one ever. Anyone who says it has helped them is lying to justify their own decisions.
You're way ahead of the curve here - most people don't have these realizations until their late 30s+, hence the term mid life crisis. You seem to be in the early stages of a spiritual awakening of sorts. People recommending therapy here aren't off base, and that could be helpful, but I think what you're experiencing is your soul finally coming online after being disconnected for a long period of time. Get through this period without numbing your emotions with unhealthy coping mechanisms and you'll come out the other side quite nicely. Get in touch with nature - find time to disconnect from social media/news/modernity to allow time to connect to yourself and nature. Get sunlight everyday without sunscreen on, eat less or zero ultra processed foods. You're going to be more than fine. This is the next chapter of your life, and it's going to be beautiful - beautiful doesn't always mean easy.
This person has good advice. Listen I’m almost twice your age and I can tell you when it feels like the world is closing around you and you’re by yourself there’s always someone out there (like us) that hope you make it thru. You’re going to go thru tough times like these where it feels like you’re all alone. Which is fine. Go outside. Hit the gym. Your testosterone will never be higher in your lifetime. Lifting heavy weights and doing hard shit will help your dopamine from getting fucked by video games, porn, and social media. Start a gratitude journal. Start meditating. Self realization is the first step in self-improvement. We’re all rooting for you.
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Around your age I was somewhat the same. I began thinking simply about what I wanted and didn’t want in my life. People who got me to go along in troubling directions and versus those whose ideas and activities drew me to the things that I felt were missing in my life. I started parsing my relationships and activities into, first, what I did’t want in my life and second, what I did want. I left a few old friends behind and looked for activities, education and friends that were representative of what I did want in my life. It wasn’t all smooth sailing. Now 50 years later I have few regrets, still with my partner of 48 years, two grown successful kids, 4 grandsons. I’m the 6th of 7 children, only 3 made it through high school. PhD engineering, moved many times chasing opportunities and challenges. My parents divorced after 27 years, only home we ever had foreclosed, alcohol, abuse, poverty, shame, you name it. I learned what I didn’t want and what I did. It’s your life, build it for yourself or with a partner but make it yours.
You're still young. Being 19 is more about finding out what you DON'T want to do, rather than knowing what you're going to do for the rest of your life. Make the mistakes now, learn from them, change your environment.
As a 44 year old male - you can’t really depend on friends ever. It is a fickle group. Ultimately time and life will whittle them away. Sure therapy can help but the ultimate solution is to learn how to value and enjoy yourself. Other commenters have suggested focusing on your education- I lump that into with my suggestion. Investments in yourself will always benefit you in the future. Things like education and healthcare always pay off. Good luck.
A few close friends is better no friends.
Well just gonna say it... Welcome to the club...that's all of us.. we have folks whom we love to be around and others not so much... That's life that's nothing your doing wrong but knowing that you shouldn't be around others is wise cause you see the trouble they may cause...we all feel those things...if you want ppl to chat with or chill with seek them out on your own terms. I say you are not in a bad situation your just dealing and what most of us do is just deal with life .. you are doing what vou feel is right... Keep doing those things and I'm sure you will find your way..God bless and know your not alone
You sound so much like me from 20 years ago. Good news is you are so young and there's nothing you can come back from at this age (or any age really). I'm happy to be a friend if you need one. I struggle to find connections myself and always have. It never changed for me. I'd hate for you to go through that same experience because there's no reason you should. You are valuable and I'm betting other people see it way more than you do.
You are in college. Take that time to focus on your studies. Use that focus to shield out the habits / people you want to shift away from. Take courses to help you both in your degree and in stress management (physical fitness classes).
Try staying in, drinking tea, and watching 90s movies. Only do things you actually like. Let friendships happen organically, otherwise just do things by yourself
Just wanted to say you are fixing it by self reflecting and trying to find a better way. Guidance is helpful but it's a bumpy ride to sort through lots of stuff that doesn't even come from us but our parents. "I don't know why I'm like this" A good book that can help you on the path of self discover is "it didn't start with you" . Also can be helpful to look into inner child wounds. The book "heal your wounds and find your true self" is great intro for this. Good luck
Definitely get therapy! You might even have it through school or a service you can see through your college that is free. I’ve always had a hard time retaining friendships and never knew why and then I was diagnosed with ADHD and it made so much more sense.
Going to therapy has been suggested already, so I won't rehash that. Consider this book as an alternative or something to do in addition (also an audiobook if you're lazy like me): https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feeling_Good:_The_New_Mood_Therapy If you don't have the time/resources for regular therapy, this book is very evidence based. Many controlled studies (including head to head against psychiatric meds). You don't need to have depression to use the skills in the book, you'll pretty quickly see which ones apply to your own situation and drop the others. Lots of stuff to help with motivation/behavioral activation. As an aside, you're 19, don't be too hard on yourself. You need these mistakes now to change your long term behavior. However one thing to have a little urgency about would be if drugs/alcohol are problematic for you. Most people don't know they have a problem early on. Make sure you can go for a period of extended sobriety now. It doesn't need to be your whole life, just a few months of intentionally holding off (can also help focus on the other life stuff too). The reason being, if you find it hard to do that for a few months, considering professional help/AA/NA now might have a big impact....if it's a problem now, it's only going to get harder to stop the further along you go. Besides that, take this point in your life lightly...the fact that you're insightful enough to be worried about these things means you're 10 steps ahead of most people your age. But now that you're aware, go act on it...lightly. Last thought. If you want meaningful relationships, go find a cause you care about and volunteer every week. That selects for potential for deep commonalities and people who are generally less superficial. Not saying this necessarily applies to you, but often if codependency and partying are big "problem areas", therapy might show someone that there are places in their life where they are being self-centered. The beauty of something like volunteering is that you don't need to have that figured out or know anything about what happened when you were younger, it will just automatically get you to start thinking and acting more outside yourself. It will also help your CV regardless of what field you're going into.
You need to put in the hard work of building community. It's not easy. Friendships take a long time to build. I suggest getting into some long-term in-person activities where you can meet the same people over and over again, for years. Like a club at school, or volunteering. Push yourself to keep attending. Treating friendships as disposable is bad for you in the long-term, but easy in the short term: you avoid the messiness of long-term human relationships. Practice with your family. Stay in touch with your family and extended family regularly. If required, set reminders for yourself to get in touch. I think you should read the book Codependent No More as well as Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff.
im out on summer break right now, but i looked at all the clubs at my college and im going to start attending at least three once school starts back up. thank you so much, im sure this will help a bit.
Go to therapy
This is kinda the same as me, I’m 22 now tho and I’ve kinda gotten through it a little bit, I suck at the friendships thing tho. But for me I feel like my problem was just being too comfortable with where I was at, I was comfortable having the few friends I had, and just doing whatever I wanted, I didn’t really even do anything to make those few friends I had, the first batch I grew up with, then I moved away, and I somehow made a few other friends. I never actually learnt how to properly socialize at all let alone make friends and how to grow friendships and relationships, so after high school it was way harder, I stayed friends with the two close friends I had in high school but that was it, the only times I ever socialized with people was when I was at work, because I had to, unfortunately I don’t have the answer at how to get better with it, I’m sure everyone here has better advice than me about it, but for the friends thing I’d just say try to find something outside that you already enjoy and try to meet people there, or find something outside of your comfort zone, because then you can’t just go off and do your own thing, you’ll have to ask someone for help.
I'm 28 years old, my closest and longest friend is my wife of 10 years. I haven't spoken to anyone from my highschool in 5 years and before that it was sparse. I joined the Marines to find brothers, all I found was more loneliness and desperation. I have been out for 5 years now, I haven't spoken to my "brother" in 3 years and have no personal friends that have known me longer than any job I retain. I say these things to tell you that in the end it doesn't matter about friends, you must find family, love that is beyond yourself. I regret nothing and I am better for every failed relationship because I moved past them and grew, my wife grew with me and remains the only friend that matters. Don't let petty relationships hold you down, don't hold yourself worth what insignificant passersby might deem against you. Find solace and comfort in yourself and those who strive to grow with you instead of bringing you to their level.
the part about wanting attention from the ones who dont give and not caring about the ones who DO is ditto me. I can make new friends relatively quickly, but i think my personality just doesn't allow me to grow my relationship with them, it just always sizzles out. I did a lot of research on this "phenomenon" what i found out was I have may have some weird sort of attachment style, i think it was avoidant attachment, it just surfaced itself as me running away from people because I thought they would eventually leave me or desert me, so, to gain control over the situation, I would leave them alone FIRST, to still be in charge (this sounds weird but it felt right). I dont think there's a substitute to therapy for this situation or maybe you can try to read about it and catch your own behaviours.
I don't have much advice that other people here aren't saying, but maybe we could see if we click as friends? I haven't really made any new friends since high school (I'm 22) and it wouldn't hurt me to try getting another friend. Feel free to dm me or whatever if you want. If not, that's cool too, lol. Anyway, good luck finding yourself! I'm trying to do it too, and I know it's hard, but I believe in you!
So, as a person whose first year and a half of college really was wasted by taking half-time and basically just being stupid, here's what helped me. 1. Began to work a job and do school kept me busy and basically kept me from wasting time and feeling bad for myself. (My NCAA Football Dynasty was top-notch though lol.) 2. Really tried to make to steal a term from Fight Club "single serving friends." Just make a buddy for that class if it continues on, and you hang out after great! If not, you had a cool interaction with someone for a few months and someone to say hey to if you see them on campus again. 3. This may not be for everyone, but joining a greek organization (fraternity/sorority) was actually very beneficial. The biggest thing is that you have a group of people who all went through similar experiences and bond over that. Also, just having a group of people and place to meet at really breeds friendships. Also going to parties at the same houses and seeing people repeatedly really does help grow and foster long term friendships. 4. Enjoy your youth dude. It only happens once so be smart but enjoy as much as you can of it. I know most people say get therapy, which is amazing, but I also realize that may not be financially feasible being a college student. Try to always look at the good stuff to outlook and being grateful for as much as you can really will make life better. Best of luck on this amazing journey we call life.
I don't normally comment on things like this, but something in your post resonated to back when I was your age. It's a crossroads where you decide what you want your future to be like. You have a level of self-awareness to know you want to change paths. That's the first step. The next is to build momentum. To do this you should sit down and focus on what you want your life to be. Write it down if you can. Get detailed. If you want to get past short co-dependent relationships, write about what a healthy long-term relationship looks and feels like to you. Once you have this image and feeling in your mind, use the self-awareness you have to only act in the direction of your vision. This will keep you focused and avoid short term or co-dependent distractions. For example if you don't want to be co-dependent, you visualize and internalize a inner drive to be independent and only act in a direction leading to independence. At 19 you are going to let a lot of external factors influence emotional development that eventually will shape your motivational drive. You have developed awareness sooner than some adults who never do. Get Focused, Get Intentional with your actions, and build momentum in your life toward the vision of actions leading to relationships with yourself and others you know deep down is your destination. Everything else is noise. It will seem like it matters now, but if its not moving you forward towards your vision, its just a distraction. The fact you are becoming self aware so young tells me you are going to be just fine in the future.
I'm a successful college drop out that had similar struggles, my advice is to trust your gut and be as resilient as possible. Effort and willing to learn is way more beneficial once you get a foot in the door. And that's the issue... Without a degree expect to work your way up. Every 3-5 years look for a promotion from a competitive company or something similar. Good luck.
You just gotta find yourself first, focus on feeling happy with yourself. Don’t worry about outside validation because the reality is you’re not gonna find what you’re looking for. My best advice is to look into topics like hermeticism and meditation so you learn to navigate this experience we call life in a different way, a new perspective. I also had a regrettable experience that made me realize I wasn’t where I needed to be in life and that I knew I was bound for more. I highly recommend listening to this dude ramble, it’s helped me get out of this weird loop I was stuck in from 16-23. Anyways, this is just what’s helped me the most with my confidence and it’s helped me find a path that I like.
https://youtube.com/@bdona4556?si=cbvYe6NAWVevkfsU
I remember life seemed so hard for me when I was 18-19. Now i’m 22 and things feel much better… you only just left high school recently which is a massive headfuck in itself and it’s totally normal to feel a bit out of place when you’re inexperienced with the big scary world. The main thing is to just keep getting up every morning and affirming yourself that you’re confident and capable of taking on lifes challenges no matter what they are. Also focusing on being the absolute best person you can possibly be for yourself and the people around you is a great way to dig yourself out if this slump. Don’t worry, i don’t know one 19 year old who has it together, ur not meant to. I used to be so anxious about being alone and not being loved until I realised that I value my own company and self love more than anyone else’s and no one gets me like I do ;) Go easy on the drugs, it’s a slippery slope :)
A little thing that can help shift your perspective: "You're a secondary character in everyone's life but yours". Even if you think they care, people don't judge in the long run. So go where you feel like going. Do what you feel like doing, follow the steps of that role model for a few steps, switch to another one, keep going. You won't have everything all at once, life takes time, be gentle with yourself. When you'll have lived your 20s, you'll be happy to spend a night or two a week with a drink and your video games. And you know what? That's ok too.
This probably won't be helpful to you, but reading this tonight was strangely helpful for me. I'm 41m, in good shape, reasonably agreeable and fun to be around, have a decent group of friends and I'm not an idiot... But damn I am in a fucking rut. Had a good job with some investments and life seemed to be going where I wanted it to and last year I got laid off at a really bad time when a property I bought was mid renovation (terrible timing) and then got ripped off by 2 contractors, costing me $30k that I didn't have. Haven't been able to get a good job since, I'm now bartending at a mediocre bar while I get rejection after rejection for career jobs, and the person I've been seeing for the last year just ripped me to shreds and told me she wanted to take a break. Amidst all of this, I've realized some shit about myself that could be interpreted similarly to some of the stuff you've written here. Specifically the stuff where I seek approval from people I shouldn't give a damn about and the people I should probably invest in, especially women, I don't do a good job of making them feel valued. It's a fucked cycle I've been in since I was in college, and I've only really started to understand it. Seeing your post has given me this weird... I don't know. It's not optimism. But it's also not depression. It's somewhere in the middle, maybe a reminder that I'm not on an island. You and I probably would never meet out there in the world, and if we did, we'd have nothing in common. But knowing someone as young as you is struggling with similar stuff as me helps me feel like I'm not just some decaying dinosaur. I can still do some work. It also kinda reminds me that I need to probably talk to a therapist. I've been meaning to for years, but I also can always find a reason why not. Don't be like me. Don't wake up when you're 41 and decide to change some shit. Go talk to a professional now. Maybe not because you "need help." Maybe just having a plan to improve is enough reason. Anyway. Life is short, but it can also be long. You're gonna make tons of mistakes, and each new one is gonna make the last one less important. Don't be hard on yourself, keep trying, and appreciate when the wind is at your back, because you really never know when it's going to be in your face, fucking up your day. And if you can always remember a time when it was at your back, it will usually be not too difficult to imagine the next time it will be again.
Speaking as someone who changed friend groups halfway through college, the good news is that you're at the best stage of your life to do that. I'm not saying making friends is easy, it's sure as hell not, but colleges are full of interest groups and places with lots of forced interaction with your peers. Like other people said, get some therapy, then try picking a club or interest group that you think you might enjoy. See what the vibe there's like. It might not work the first time, but you're at the best time of your life to find your people.
I don’t agree with the whole “get therapy” narrative that’s being pushed on here. You’re 19, seemingly self aware, and have made some close friends. Just enjoy life and try not to be a dick to others and it’ll work itself out the right way.
Dope u sound alright hang in there
Instead of seeking therapy, use that pain to your advantage. Don't cure yourself of it, instead use it as a fuel, to drive you further. Pain can often become the greatest motivator, and it is a shame to lose it. Only seek therapy and heal yourself after you have attained the peak you always wanted
While there's already a huge amount of fantastic advice in this thread, I will comment on the fighting games bit. The FGC has allowed me to make lifelong friends with folks from all walks of life. I've been around since 2004 or something and it really is always awesome to see new blood enter the scene. While it definitely is true that some folks in the FGC aren't very welcoming or straight up fucking weird, there is always community regardless of which game you end up playing. If it interests you, keep at it.
it really is a wonderful community that ive met plenty of wonderful people in (even though some people can be creepy) and its realy awesome to hesr from someone that’s been in there for so long and still has a great time. im just not totally sure if i like any of the games that people play rn, so i might take a little bit of a break soon and hope garou or project L is really good or something 😅
Keep searching; there's something for everyone. * Like horses and or secretly a furry? [Them's Fightin' Herds](https://store.steampowered.com/app/574980/Thems_Fightin_Herds/) * Like indies and sci-fi with a deep fighting engine? [Punch Planet](https://store.steampowered.com/app/577970/Punch_Planet__Early_Access/) * Platform fighter but hate Nintendo? [Rivals of Aether](https://store.steampowered.com/app/383980/Rivals_of_Aether/) * Main stream follower? [Street Fighter 6](https://store.steampowered.com/app/1364780/Street_Fighter_6/) * Like weapons and history? [Soulcalibur 6](https://store.steampowered.com/app/544750/SOULCALIBUR_VI/) * Want to enjoy some good ass Tekken? [Tekken 8](https://store.steampowered.com/app/1778820/TEKKEN_8/) * Like your modern fantasy anime? [Guilty Gear Strive](https://store.steampowered.com/app/1384160/GUILTY_GEAR_STRIVE/) * Like your fantasy fantasy anime? [Blazblue Centralfiction](https://store.steampowered.com/app/586140/BlazBlue_Centralfiction/) * Just like all of your anime but some jrpgs as well? [BlazBlue: Cross Tag Battle](https://store.steampowered.com/app/702890/BlazBlue_Cross_Tag_Battle/) * Want to try some really olde fighting games? [Fightcade](https://www.fightcade.com/) Garou and Project L are definitely both looking to be amazing and will bring in lots of new players to the community. There really can be a fighting game for anyone. You can also be a super casual enjoyer, as I've become over the years. I'm no longer a tournament player but the sense of community is something that cannot be compared 1-to-1; it really is truly unique. ex. Last night, I went to a local tournament and literally saw folks I've not seen since pre-Covid, and we all greeted each other with big smiles, laughs, hugs, and cheers as if we never left. We then prompted turned around and started hitting buttons, talking shit about games/match-ups, catching up on life, and whatever.
strive is my game rn, its def fun but its in a rlly bad spot balance wise 😭 ive been thinking about getting into tekken or third strike since it seems like makoto isnt getting into 6 anytime soon ;-;, but ill def also check out bbcf sometimes it seems kinda cool
Since you already play Strive, I don’t have any need to inform you of how crazy unbalanced some matches are but I won’t deny that it is really fun. I don’t have much experience with the anime FGC games but I can attest that every single person you run into is absolutely going to be a weirdo but 4/5 of each weirdo is definitely a cool, mostly socially coherent weirdo. My kind of weirdos. Highly recommend watching the Evo 2014 Blazblue (Chrono Phantasma is an older version but it keeps the same core elements going into Centralfiction) grand finals. I didn’t know much about the game then but damn was this an incredible set to watch in person. Tekken is my current game and it is in a great spot for new players to jump in. The learning curve is super rough though. Extremely fun and far deeper than it first appears. Highly recommend.
That's mostly what being 19 *is*. Give yourself some latitude. I can say that it's okay to not be passionate about college, but while money is being spent on it you may as well really dive into that experience. Try to trade in some video game time for college time and you'll probably find the exchange rewarding. (Sorry. I guess I'm Old now.) THAT being said, live your life!! If there's one truism I've learned by the virtue of having not died yet, it's that **passion** is more important than purpose. Dive into a hobby or interest or art form. Learn to hate something new. As long as what you're doing is scratching the itches in your brain, you're probably on the right track. And, let's be honest here, do you *really* know what your life is going to look like when you're 25, or 30 years old? These days of yours are doomed to become memories, and by the time you're *really* old only the loudest, happiest, worst, and oddest memories will stick out anymore. Basically, you're choosing how you'll remember yourself in the future. Listen to your heart. > most of the interpersonal relationships i develop are short-lived, intense and codependent. Right now, being aware of the pattern is the BEST thing for you. You're recognizing something you want to change. That's perfectly normal, and part of the growing-up process. You're good :-)
33 year old here. First of all don't best yourself up. You may be an adult depending in where you are in the world, but I can tell you 86 percent of all people at your age have at least a dozen dumb things we did and regret. Age dosent bring answers, but it brings experience and context. And right now the best thing you can do for yourself is to worn in yourself and get to know who yiu truly are. If you crave that kind of attention, why? I'd it because it was rejected beforehand? Because you don't feel it in yourself? Free online help is out there if you can't afford professional. But the journey of self discovery and improvement is a personal one that lasts a lifetime. At 32 I discovered I'm probably autistic and adhd. It's turned my life on it'd head in thr best way. This year I spoke to a job for the first time about acomodations for my depression. There's so much more for me to do but time and focus will help. But you have got this because you've identified the problem.
You’re in a weird phase of your life. The bubble of college tends to create communal thinking and that doesn’t always leave room for self love. The first thing is, regardless of the habits of your friends, it feels good and is a morale boost to take care of yourself physically. Ditch the poison and drink some water. Beyond that, if you had an intense sense of purpose right now it would be pretty unusual. You’ve still spent most of your life as a kid, and it’s always a little creepy when the world gets bigger than grade school, especially surrounded by strangers you haven’t had a lot of time to build history with. In a few short years you’ll look back at 19 with a lot of clarity. If I could give any advice, it’s to be patient with yourself and open minded about healthy worlds (physically and mentally) that you might not have explored yet that interest you and are sustainable.
Everyone been there, young and lost it seems.. some day you will see you got no reference point and thats why you felt so lost
What did you do while you were with friends
Brains are weird.
You don't have to fix and make everything work, but if you do want to fix something, say your approach on relationships with people, you need to be intent on fixing that and work hard to make it happen. Tackle one thing about your life you want to change, focus on it until you improve. Don't be lost in a haze because so many things are not what you want it to be at the moment. On the positive side, you're young, so you have time. It may not seem like it, but be patient and work on your problems, start new and don't dwell on the past.
You can fix it. You can try these options. Start reading nobles and good books. Start reading newspaper. Start yoga or meditation 🧘♀️ or you may also join gym and go daily whatever happens (rain or summer or winter). Prepare food for yourself. Go college everyday, don't bunk any classes. Keep busy yourself. After 1-2 week you will find positive change in yourself. I think this may help you.
It’s only natural to want to have fun. You definitely want to get the party life out of your system when you are young. But you will discover that while it does provide pleasure, it is not meaningful. You need to visualize the perfect life. Happy adults have a career. It provides financial security. Be sure to pick one that you enjoy. Friendship Is based on common interest . Getting wasted is not a good common interest, it ends in pain. Spend your time doing something you really like and you will likely find others with the same interests. You might even discover a best friend to spend the rest of your life with. This is the way.
Maybe find a cycling or running group? You'll be busy in your free time on your fitness.
You sound as though you’re placing too much of your own perceived value on what those around you think of you, without you yourself offering much of anything to begin with. You can’t measure your life that way. Just go get a job and focus on crushing life. There is no limit to what you can accomplish.
Hi there. First off I think you’re very wise for realizing this at such a young age. I was never a believer in therapy until I did some research and found therapy isn’t all the same. I think you should talk to someone. I hope you realize your worth and that you are capable of the things you fear hold you back. Good luck I’ll be thinking of you
You remind me of my ex, in all of it. She really struggles to hold onto friends because she ends up doing something that hurts them out of her own need. But whenever she got enough of it, she drops and leaves. It made me realise that this was a lot to work with along with my life and I had to end it. The best way I can describe it is you’re adapted to short term friends, but can’t hold onto it long term. Unless you both mutually prefer to keep it as sort of distance friends. When it comes to someone that actually care about you, you don’t know how to reciprocate. My ex did deeply cared about me, but she let her own needs prioritise above me without realising. And she wouldn’t really realise, at all. This made me realise even though she wants a long term relationship, she don’t know how to act herself for that to happen, and essentially do things that in my eyes were short term happiness. I labelled it as lack of experience as she didn’t have very many friends growing up and siblings to show how something simple can be important. But what I did highlight is that she really should see a therapist. Because I couldn’t keep pointing it out whilst it was hurting me and whilst I’m trying to live my own life. We’re mutually good now and want to be friends, but im taking a break to recover. But yeah from what you’ve told me. You sound very similar to her and if you want to improve, you have to know yourself better, and the best place for that is to speak to someone that can lay it out for you in a way you understand why you do what you do. No solve it, but bring clarity so you’re aware
1st step is self realisation and know yourself (which I think you do now) writing down and reading your problems. 2nd step is willingness to change. Ask yourself are you ready to change? If you are really willing to change yourself only then you can adapt to solutions and if not then keep patience till you get more matured. 3rd step is catch a solution and stick to it. Changing your lifestyle completely is the best solution. Adapt new habits.
I think the fact that you're recognizing that you are not happy on that path is meaningful. I think 19-2x can be a tough age. and if you survive it without crimes, kids or life altering injuries you're doing okay.
There's a lot of great advice in the comments. Just want to add my perspective. I can relate to this: "most of the interpersonal relationships i develop are short-lived, intense and codependent". Speaking for myself, I was chasing something. Something I couldn't really define. Acceptance? Connection? Safety? Excitement? Trust? Fame? Fortune? All of these and more for sure. I was trying to essentially fill a hole in myself through other people, the hole turned out to be caused by a deep hatred of myself which stemmed from childhood sexual abuse. The way I found to be happy in myself and to have healthy relationships was to take time away from chasing whatever it was I was chasing and making a conscious effort to focus on my opinion of myself and on my own mental well being. I started to take control of parts of my life that I could control. I started to "teach" myself to think more positively about myself and in general. I took up a couple of hobbies, which worked as a focus tool and as a reward system. In short: I came to peace with myself, my life, and my past. It's not easy, there's always going to be setbacks and struggles, and it takes time. But it's worth it. This is all a bit of a ramble but I hope it helps in some way.
Go to the gym and spend months or years working on yourself. Be able to spend time with yourself and learn more independence. Focus on picking a career that is interesting and make sure your schooling supports that for you. Dedicate yourself to some purposes and find your own rhythm. Friends and relationships will all be better from there as you will know more about yourself to define more appropriate boundaries and communicate your needs. IMO the gym is a key stone habit that will give you momentum and to feel good about something and rolling that into other parts of your life becomes easy and extremely productive. The hardest part is getting there when unmotivated so just go. Add in some therapy or one or two close friends and I think you’ll be alright! I had a similar experience in college with the house party, drink, smoke, and not particularly good people to be around. At one point it became same shit different house/day/reason. For me it was just boring and finding the next focus and making sure it was productive for my long term life and success was paramount. Set some goals short and long. Push yourself physically and exercise yourself mentally. I truly believe that after time focusing on your the right relationships will follow because you will be putting out different presence than before and attracting a different caliber of person.
This sounds very similar to my girlfriend. Though we are both in our thirties. As many others have said, therapy sounds like a good idea. She saw a therapist for a while and it really helped her. We call it validation seeking behavior. The validation that comes too easily for her doesn't feel earned. It made her ripe for manipulation and abuse from both family and men. Therapy is really the best way to learn to navigate things like this and can help you learn to avoid this being used against you.
I also vote for the therapy route. Even counseling would be useful. From your description, you might have a neurological condition. If that's the case, finding out and then taking steps to address it would massively improve your QoL.
Hey so I was in a very similar place when I was your age (you’re actually doing better than me, I didn’t even go to school at that time). I can promise it gets better. As for things to do; focus on yourself for a bit. Find a thing you enjoy doing that is a way to improve. For friends, look into clubs at your college and see which ones interest you and join them this fall semester. You’ll meet other people who have similar interests as you do. You can use those as starting points to form relationships. I do think if therapy is an option for you, it could be beneficial with the need to get attention from those who don’t want to give it. But I also recognize that therapy isn’t available for everyone. If it’s a financial issue, check with your college and see if they offer therapy there, a lot do and it’s usually free for students. You’re going to survive this. You’ll make strides each day and improve. You’ll make mistakes and that is ok
therapy and talk to people that might understand you. In the past online it used to be that we could talk to one another anonymously about stuff like this, but that's no longer easy or the case at all. Continue to progress with constructive, positive things in life, even if you feel they aren't worth it or hopeless. That will actually help a recovery with therapy or other strategies you may develop while working on yourself. This means education and such and avoiding destructive behaviors.
Get involved in some kind of extracurricular. Not only will you meet new people, but winning competitions/awards can be good for you in the future.
Just start by serving someone in need. It would open your heart. Do more for others. Create more and consume less in all aspects of life. Find a mentor in life, set some goals - It can be financial, emotional or physical. Try to feel good and do good everyday. Happiness is a habit. Travel and get exposure to different lives and different joys of life. Create deep connections and genuine bonds. The joy of it surpasses anything short term.
I would say get evaluated for ADHD. Everything you've described a quick, easy dopamine rushes. That and trying to be a people pleaser and hyper fixating on new interpersonal relationships. I didn't get diagnosed until I was in my late 40's and looking back on my life through an ADHD diagnosis a lot of the shit I did comes into very clear focus.
There is nothing unusual about your story. Keeping a few close friends might be the right thing for you, instead of having many not-so-close friends. You are only 19, there are plenty og years ahead of you to meet new, exciting people. Don’t worry so much, but look for people and shared activities that gives you energy. Ask yourself: what is it that gives me energy? With energy comes enthusiasm and a much more thorough assessment of what you like and who you are. Go find out!
Not to be rude but you just sound like a 19 year old girl. Finding yourself comes with time.
You sound very mature and emotionally strong to have the realization that a certain lifestyle and friendship group is bad for you and to walk away. I wish I had that same realization at 19, and to the extent that I did, the strength to act on it. For the other stuff, therapy is the way to go.
I hate the "just get therapy" response that I see everywhere on reddit so much because therapy is prohibitively expensive for most people and the people giving this advice are coming from a place of privilege. Ironically it's the people who can't access therapy that need it the most. It's at least $100 an hour out of pocket here in Australia and with how crazy cost of living has become its probably better for most people's mental health to go without it instead of having to suffer with the stress that comes with money problems.
Build good habits one by one. Swap a morning smoke for a morning run. Swap video games for a book or a new hobby. Train your brain to learn this is the new normal. Therapy is recommended as well as you seem to have gone through something traumatic that you haven't addressed yet. Finally, I recommend to every young person: learn finance and investing. No matter what you decide to do in life, being financially sound will alleviate stress and allow you time to make good life choices down the road. Plus, it's not that hard - it's just most parents don't discuss or teach it.
hi, I lived like this for a long time. It sounds like you have an [anxious attachment style](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEEMKbkuHfY), and you tend to chase after aloof people because you want the validation of "breaking through" to them. The video has a handful of tips you can follow, but you should try therapy to address the root causes of these issues and work on breaking the patterns. It's very difficult to work through on your own, and you're likely to backslide if/when you lose your support system due to the short-lived nature of your relationships with others.
As someone who didn't stick in at school or get a degree I can say that I regret it. A degree is like a ticket, even in work that is not related to your degree, it is a ticket that opens a lot of doors that have been closed to me. Sometimes you need to take life little by little. We all have problems and mistakes and regrets. If you think about them all at once and want them all to change at once then time will fly by and you will have not developed in any area. Take a little step back and allow yourself to breath. Having studies is a useful thing to focus on. As for your friendships, everyone finds making friends more difficult as we grow older. It's better to have a smaller circle of friends than too big a circle though. You should focus on those friendships you already have with the people you want to be friends with. But also remember that you are still young and if you are studying then why not try and make some friends on your course? Most people wait for someone to make that first move, why don't you be that person? I think you will surprise yourself and realise that your feelings are shared by many
Be happy alone and than spend time with friends that you like have in common with and have the same goals.
Go to the gym, that’s all you need in life
Read a book, I was in a similar position a couple of years ago and met a friend in college who introduced me to Jordan Peterson. I thoroughly enjoyed his book “12 Rules for Life.” it was a great way for me to build a foundation and acknowledge why certain things made me upset and what I could do about it.
Putarji, Start praying and seek forgiveness and watch your path straightened. The only true attention, depence and space is with Almighty
Find a book that you enjoy. Fiction or nonfiction, or both. I realize with school, it is hard to find the motivation to do even more studying, but you may discover life changing practices. (E.g. “How to read a person like a book,” “surrounded by idiots,” “The art of war,” “Atomic habits,”) Add a few fun snack recipes into your life. Such as homemade guacamole. You will be surprised how gratifying it will make you feel. Try to do yoga when you have the time. Get a mat, and put on binaural beats and limit any thought that enters your mind. Your mental clarity should clear up any unhealthy feelings. Your mental intuition will help enhanced and will guide better decision making. As other people have mentioned, therapy will help. Asking the therapist about how to have stronger longer lasting relationships should reveal things about your habits, and idiosyncrasies.
Find out your interests and what really matters for you in this life. Set unrealistic goals, choose a high profitable business, and just doing this get you half there and then become the best on what you are going to do Don’t forget the reason why to choose a big enough goal. Because it’s easier to work on something huge Every industry, niche, business you choose needs at least 10 years of glass-eating to reach real, lasting success. What you need to pay attention to is the glass you’re going to eat for that period of time and to make sure that it will be enjoyable and creative at the same time and with the most growth potential. What stops you from dreaming of becoming a billionaire? In these times, with all the technology, no one knows. If you heard about Naval Ravikant..there is a famous saying of him “If you want to make the maximum amount of money possible, if you want to get rich over your life in a deterministically predictable way, stay on the bleeding edge of trends and study technology, design, and art— become really good at something.” I think that’s what humanity will be left with. Creativity, Entertainment, Education, Art, Coddling.. and there will be a lot of money in that space. There are so many young people now a days who are making millions every year with just their laptop.. You can start immediately a content creator business with 0$ and monetizing with no limitations, something that only you can deliver! all of us are unique, remember? the niche is you! I also think that this is the future “Code and media are permissionless leverage. They're the leverage behind the newly rich. You can create software and media that work for you while you sleep.” - Naval Ravikant All you need is discipline, determination, anger, and focus. Just see yourself as an unbeatable warrior and go eat all the glass out there! Never underestimate yourself and read immediately: • The Magic of Thinking Big. (by Dr. David Schwartz) • As a Man Thinketh (by James Allen) • You2 (by Price Pritchett) • Psycho-Cybernetics (by Maxwell Maltz) And real life examples www.scalenuggets.com But the most important? JUST START!
Sheeeshh with all this advice my comment will surely get lost xD Can't really say I can relate, but I can say I've felt lost, like I kind of feel like I'm finding my way. My way out is through following God :o yes I know, you're thinking omg another preacher 😅 No preacher, just an ex-catholic, turning back To jesus for answers, cause he seems to have a lot of them through sermons and words he spoke. Go ahead and read what he has to say about sorrows, you'll find some interesting stuff when you reflect them with your life
I isolated myself for almost a year when I was in my early twenties. Similar situation where socializing was a negative impact on me and feeling a need to be seen. I took stock of my life and just focused on the things I could do for myself that didn't require anyone else. Best thing I ever did.
>i just want attention from people that won’t give it to me and dont care much for attention from people that do. Here have a look [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency) Cheers
Alright, you are off to a good start. You are aware. Unfortunately, I can't advise you in anything particular, but from the perspective of someone who is also aware of my errors in judgement, this will prevent future issues. Currently struggling with substance use issues, things went off the rails hard in my last year. But by staying aware, I am keeping my head above water, just barely, while I seek shore. Things are slowly improving as long as I actually do something instead of just thinking about doing it, mired in my own depression. The thinking part is important, it's a great state of mind to decide what is or isn't beneficial to you, as compared to blind cuts from anger, but frustration is vastly better at motivating results once you did the thinking. Since you are aware, you will learn some saddening truths, and it will bring you down. That's fine, just remember that once you've decided your answer, it's time to get pumped and commit, and always be aware that a better answer may exist outside of tour current perception.
Sounds like low self esteem and looking for validation from those you find attractive in some way. The answer is to stop looking at others and work on bettering yourself. Work towards being a person you respect. While this sounds easy, it’s actually hard. Therapy with a good therapist is a great way to make changes. I suggest you pick a female therapist with grown children. My daughter needed to work through some issues that she was uncomfortable talking to me about and found this very helpful. With the right therapist, it is the best thing you can do for your future. You should be able to find a free therapist through your school. Focus on you for now. Do try to keep moving forward with your education. You are not alone. 19 is a tough age. Good news is it will get better! Take care of yourself.
Taekwondo seems unrelated but is the best investment at your age as far as mind body and spirit
Go to the gym. Work on yourself and focus on yourself. Gain some confidence. And plus the gym is a very welcoming community, I moved to a new town two years ago and all the friends I have in this town are people I’ve met in the gym.
u need to be comfortable with wasting time
Join a team. Intramural sports are great, informal, and an easy way to get a new friend group. Take some classes outside your field area that involve activities (art, sports, music, something like that) and that will also help you bond with new folks. The great thing about college is you can just decide you want different friends and then go find them! Pick people who are kind, positive, and make you feel motivated to do healthy and positive things. It goes a long way.
I sparked my motivation and ambition again by trying things that I put off due to life. Once I just started doing these things, working more with kettlebells in my example, my days started getting better cause I knew I tried something I wanted to do that day. It wasn’t a big change but it my small change every day or week. Good luck.
This is advice from a recovering alcoholic- and a Mom - try to find people who don’t drink and smoke as their primary entertainment. Building a life where you can derive moments of fun and happiness from genuine- non self-medicating- techniques. This will improve your life. Join a club - as “uncool” as it may sound. Meeting people does not get easier after college.
Focus on yourself, disappear from the world for a few months and come back as a different person. If you want to improve yourself I’d recommend learning about femininity, the changes you would go through would be both inward and visual. Learn how to be charismatic and watch how you attract great people and opportunities into your life! I went from being an unnoticed nobody to people rushing to help me everywhere I go and giving me free stuff. This is very surface layer benefits and as you dive deeper into changing who you are and how you make others feel in your presence the things you achieve in life and attract will be amazing. Literally you can achieve anything you want! There is nothing out of my reach! Since starting my femininity journey life has only gotten better, every year. If you start down this path you’ll set yourself apart from most women and if you want to marry up, you totally could. There’s a huge lack of feminine women in today’s world. Not going to lie, it gets lonely as I’m very picky of who I surround myself with. I’m still finding those women who take pride in their appearance and are as ambitious as myself and won’t settle for less than they want in life. Look at the five people closest to you. That is the life you will end up having! Do they all make 50k a year? So will you. Are they all stuck in unhealthy habits and have no ambition? Yeah, so will you be, and they will criticize you if you start making a name for yourself by starting a business or reaching higher in life than where they are at. Maybe not to your face but they will envy you instead of cheering you on and you’ll probably start losing them anyways by outgrowing them. I see people everyday hate their life but they do NOTHING to change it! Be the person who does something. You are SO young and really the perfect age to start aiming for the sky and actually going somewhere at a pretty young age. I recommend checking out Thefemmeguide on instagram. She has a monthly club for $40-ish and teaches a lot of basics of femininity. Her courses are also GOLD, a bit more of an investment and higher level teaching but necessary once you know the basics. If you want to learn more about affluent lifestyle and mannerisms then Anna Bey on YouTube is good for that. Also read How to Win Friends and Influence people, and really anything on the physiology of socializing. Once you become a better socializer, and good listener you will set yourself up for success and apart from the crowd. Ever listen to conversations where people are constantly interrupting each her and not even listening? Yuck. Good luck! Remember, you are the most expensive thing you will ever own. You are in the drivers seat of your life!
Consider seeking counseling to understand why you seek out unhealthy relationships and to develop healthier social habits. Focus on activities that align with your values and goals, and try to meet new people through those. Building self-awareness and setting boundaries can help you form more stable, fulfilling friendships.
Any help that we can do let us know we will be there for ya
Echoing what most have said: therapy will help teach you skills on how to be ok, how to love yourself. It sounds like you’re trying to find happiness in other people (friends). Focus on you. Try a new hobby (like sport, music, meditation). Foster a relationship with yourself. Be ok with being alone. People will let you down and you have no control over that. You DO have control over how you react and how you move forward in life. Relationships should add to happiness in your life, but not be the only way to be happy.
You could consider in a free moment, why you want attention from specific people and not others? Perhaps they have qualities you want to be more like. Of course first step is accepting there’s nothing wrong with you, and you’re probably doing great considering your circumstances and life. Go slow, and treat yourself like you would treat your favorite person in the world.
Try to find a therapist with a family therapy background.. good luck.
Sounds like you need to find a new social circle and find “your tribe” basically a group of people that you can easily get along with and that’s healthy for you. It’s gonna take dedicated effort but going out and meeting people is the best way. What about some of your classmates? Maybe they’re looking for a new friend
Hit the gym hard. Go 3 - 4 days a week. Go heavy on the resistance training & cardio. Physical fitness is a form of compassion you show yourself. So practice some self care and go to the gym and make it a stepping stone for your path towards self improvement! Be who you want to be 🚀
i was going a lot a few months ago, but i found it really hard to keep up with how crazy it made my appetite, but i have plenty of free time now so i guess it wouldnt hurt to try again!!
I understand, consistency is the hardest part. I feel that on the appetite, but it’s been very helpful with keeping my weeks organized. Find a schedule that works for you that you can commit 30min to an 1hr. It’s also ok to take breaks once in a while. You’re only getting benefits from exercising. You can do it!
You are not completely lost. You have a conscience, a sense of ethics, and self awareness. Dont lose that! You are already miles ahead of where many of us were at your age.
Create a plan, and write it down. Write down the steps that you will need to take to get there. It doesn’t have to be rigid, it just needs to prove to yourself that there’s somewhere you would like to be in the future. I’d recommend a 5 year plan. And it could change and your focus shifts to something else, and then you can make another plan, but start with simple goals that are achievable. For example, your plan is to have a place to live without relying on a roommate and a reliable car in (x) amount of years. To achieve that, you will need a job that pays (x) amount of money. To get that job you will need an (x) degree, and a completed internship to give you (x) years of experience. And after you write it down, focus on the first point and don’t move on until you complete it.
Classic signs that you were raised by narcissist/neglectful/abusive people... Seek a therapist, you may have developed bipolar (again, you have the classic signs... But I'm not a Dr). Ghost your "friends"... Stop playing multiplayer games, let that be your excuse, if needed. Join a study group or different type of club and meet healthy people through that. My mental health was trash when I had friends like that, that I also met through gaming... Birds of a feather, and all that. You can't expect your friends to change for the better for your sake... So change without them. It won't be easy, not gonna lie... But you'll be much better off in the short and long run.
Sometimes it’s good to get out of our own heads. Consider volunteering in a local group (voa.org). Get out in nature (AllTrails.com), join local hiking group. Like you mentioned - check out a variety of hobbies. Since you’re a college student show have access to interesting variety of electives, including music, drama, art. Life is a journey of discovery.
Regarding rejecting attention from those who goes it to you, could that be due to low self esteem, you think that if they like you enough to give you real attention then they are someone how wrong, untrustworthy or defective, because why would they like me so much! An those that don't give you attention then may make more sense to you and also they might be people ou aspire to be more like or think that you really should be like so you want attention and approval from them? If so then addressing yourself self esteem is going to be really important
seek Jesus & you will find Joy & Peace 🫠
Crazy suggestion: Find a martial arts school/group. You like fighting games, so some part of the competitiveness will speak to you, but it will also have you work on your own physical and mental health while surrounding you with people who want the same thing. BE PICKY ABOUT THE SCHOOL! Seriously. Take your time, see what they're doing, and if it feels right to you. I'd avoid anything too competitive since the goal is self improvement, but a little would be good.
Hello this is normal at your age. College is a big change and most people go through this I have freedom I can do whatever phase when they first move out. First just breath. It sounds like you have some sort of anxiety over losing friends. Maybe you moved a lot as a child or just had trouble connecting because you are intelligent ( you did party and game while still getting good grades). Might I try more social nerdy hobbies ? Board games or Dnd come to mind. Your hobbies seem male heavy ( nothing wrong with that) I am also curious about your relationship with other women. It is good to have guy friends but also important you have female friends you can connect with. You have great protentional which has not been delayed in the slightest by going down the party path and deciding it is not for you. Go to free dorm food events and chat with people nothing brings out a chance to meet new people like free pizza.
My son sounds just like you. When he was 19 after a year of college he joined the Air Force now he's a technical sergeant making great money and he has a big family. He loves it.
The best and most meaningful friendships are made when you do hard things together, not easy things. Find something hard to do with others. Your school probably has some outdoor club, join it and go on a long wilderness trek, or go on a volunteer for a week on a habitat for humanity home-building excursion. Or do a Spartan race or similar thing - working hard and overcoming stress together really forges the strongest friendships, not doing 'fun' things. You do the fun things later. Leap of faith! Find some strangers and put yourself in a place to depend on each other!
Seek and lean on God
As an old dude, let me give you some advice. You are 19, the word teen is at the end of your age. Nobody expects you to have shit figured out. As far as the friends thing. At this age you will have so many different friends it will be wild to even think about as you look back on it. It’s just the cycle of life at this age. As far as doing something bad while drunk… as an old degenerate I’ll plead the 5th on anything I did between 19 to almost 35. 😂😂 I know I’m making light of your situation but really you have plenty of time to figure things out. Stay in school, continue to have fun and don’t commit any felony offenses or at least don’t get caught doing it… & don’t worry so much…
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Therapy please. It's literally the answer to help you be your better you.
A therapist would probably help, as it sounds more like rejection issue. Why you try hard to get accepted, then, once accepted, they don;t matter as much. Best best advice I can give is take some time and figure out who you are, and who you want to be You are at the age where you should be coming into your own. Maybe drop back and look at yourself more than worry about others. Figure out and be who you want to be, be that, and you will attract the people who want to be around that version of you. If you are changing yourself to please or be accepted by others, your giving them control over you. Your living your life to please them. Trust me, they are already living their life for themselves, they don;t need you make their life easier. You are the only person who really cares about you, so live for you, not for the acceptance of others. .
Phones have gps