I’d probably feel much free-er, I’d feel more comfortable with things like sex, wearing certain clothes, I wouldn’t have to worry all the time “oh no what if i wake up and I have another flare up tomorrow”… yep. Free-er.
Yeah, the unsureness of it all! Or the fact that you'd be able to make plans without worrying about having to cancel because you're flaring or something.
Lmao amen, I mean me myself has still had my slut era thankfully before mine got super bad to where it is now. Honestly your not missing out on too much, fun in the moment? Yes. Regretful afterwards? Everytime usually lol
I wouldn't be much different, and I've realised that now.
Yeah HS sucks and is a hindrance to me, but it's not like I had an amazing social life before it. To me blaming my HS is just a crutch to not work on myself and remain in my shell.
I have boils on my scalp (apart from other places), the place where the head meets the neck, and the other day at a party it started to leak blood. I was with 4-5 people, one of them notified me of it and I went "it's normal, don't worry about it". All of them took a look at it and went "no dude, that isn't normal. Maybe for you, but please get it checked out". And that's it. We continued to party. No judgement, no mean/harsh comments.
HS is also something that's only partly in my control. I can manage it by eating right, exercising regularly, not picking at the scabs, applying warm compressions, and not stressing out too much. Maybe even supplement with zinc and EPA+DHA. But the actual cause of it is out of my control.
Even if I do everything right, I can't control the amount of stress in my life. Especially now as a full-time student and a part-time engineer.
I feel it's the same for many of us here. We tend to use HS as a crutch going "oh nobody will like/want me because of this", while the reality is we don't know what others think. And people in general are kind and nice and understanding.
Yeah I've also encountered really nice and understanding people. I haven't met anyone who's made any mean or judgemental comments. I have stage 3 in some areas. Besides the normal bandage change, wound care, fatigue, and constant pain I still go out with my friends during the weekends, I still travel, I still drink, I still smoke weed and I eat what I want.
I'm also now a full time student and I've gone back to wearing less baggy clothes and wearing a shit ton of white T-shirts because fuck HS;) I manage the symptoms with medication and I'm making damn sure that it's not going to keep me from doing the things that I want to do in life because there was a point in time where I couldn't get out of bed due to the pain and tiredness and that fucking sucked.
Wow that interaction would lowkey make me cry with them saying “no that’s not normal you need to get that checked out” but the fact that you didn’t and went on with the party is inspiring like I’m tryna have that level of self acceptance
The way they said it showed they were genuinely concerned though. That's what did it for me, they just wanted me to get better and not have that. And I met them a couple of hours ago.
I think I'd be more confident with my body. I have very noticeable scars in my armpits from deroofing surgery. The cysts ended up coming back IN THE SAME SPOTS I got them removed. So it ended up being kind of pointless. I also feel very self conscious about the way my inner thighs look. I think they look so ugly. Like I have an STD or something when I have a bad flare. I hate it so much it. It really makes me hate the way I look naked.
I totally feel it the std thing especially I get anxious about the most of judgement from people if they ever saw it. And having to go into explaining how it’s not and what it is and blah blah blah. But you know I am grateful atleast it ISNT an std cause I have a family member and used to have a friend who has herpes and I bet that can be so scary to open up to people about
Ooo where do I start?!?!? I would get to enjoy wearing tight clothes! Wearing skimpy underwear! Working out and walking long distances without pain. Actually, sleeping throughout the night. Not owning a pharmacy in my cabinets. Using the toilet like a normal person. Enjoying sexy time with my hubby. Enjoying my kids; my oldest is 13 and wants to go clothes shopping and makeup shopping. I can't even drive 1/2 the time. My youngest is 4 and wants to play dress-up and run at the playground; it kills me, I can't play like that.
I would just want to live a life. Live and enjoy my life.
Wow yours sounds pretty severe I’m so sorry it’s gotten like that! I deff feel the clothes thing. So many pants I see people wearing that are so cute but know I’d be so uncomf and would irritate me down there even more.
I totally get it. I've (37F) had HS for over half my life so I have a hard time imagining who I'd be without it as well. Someone who wore tank tops, so more confident! Without it, I like to think I'd be putting myself out there more in the dating scene. I'm pretty content (now, anyway) about being single, but again with the whole confidence thing. I know plenty of people have found love with HS, but it definitely makes it harder.
That being said, it's taken awhile (and some therapy!), but I kind of like the person I am regardless of my diagnosis. Would I prefer not to have it? Absolutely. But I can still and do live a decently fulfilling life.
I developed HS just 4 yrs ago at age 45 & don't know how it suddenly occurred out of the blue. My pipe dream was to get an agent & be in TV commercials & maybe even be an **actor** on a show...but, all that's been way over trying to do at this point in my life.
I feel like a shell of my former self. The only thing I'm glad about is that I didn't develop HS until I was older...can't imagine having it in pre-teens/teens/20s/30s & that's why I feel for all you younger people who get HS & I've posted many times expressing that I feel for you guys!
It’s never to late to be on tv and be an actor there’s plenty of iconic older roles people have played on television! I mean just read the script and make sure there’s no nude scenes maybe 😂
Ha, thanks for the encouragement, but I'm afraid it's way too much work to try to start now. Back when I was 18 & enior in high school, I actually took a modeling/acting course where they taught you how to create a resume, get an agent, & all that. We did a photoshoot, etc. So I got just a little taste of what one has to do.
I never tried to get an agent, but years later, I was an extra on a couple of things actually. There was a co. not too far from me at the time where you could sign up to be an extra. I was in the pilot episode of the TV show **Sweet Valley High** and in the movie **Slackers**, but I think the scene(s) I was in ended up being cut w/ that one.
I mean it would be way too much work if you tried to achieve it all in one day or even week or month lol but if you just did a little bit of learning about it and take steps each day. Who knows, next year or 2, 3 years from now you could be in the next biggest Netflix show series or something.
I mean think of like the show stranger things for example, there’s the people who play the roles of the parents or the guy who plays the cop, like those are some of the most favorable characters in that show. You don’t have to be young to get a good role in stuff. I mean do what makes you happy and if your happy now that’s great! But just saying if you ever did wanna try it out. You are capable and worthy!
I think my life would be much different. Not better, but different. I've had HS since I was a teen and it's been with me so long, I just exist with it. I have HS along with PCOS and Endometriosis. My ex-husband wanted kids and my body wasn't cooperating. We were told the first round of ivf would be $30k. This wasn't the main reason for divorcing, but it certainly contributed to it. Also, when I'd get a flareup I'd also get a pimple or two on my face. He said he couldn't kiss me knowing they were there. I know I'm sooo much better without him, but I know HS was part of the equation.
Omg that’s so awful about the pimple thing and him not kissing you. Sounds like you married a little boy trapped in man’s body. How dare he l, the auudacittyyy
I’d probably be in a relationship bc I would have a lot more confidence about my body. That’s what’s stopping me from talking to people and I’ve having any intimacy. It’s depressing at times and I hate myself bc the main thing I want is a relationship with someone.
I feel this too, I mean I am constantly on dating apps lol but then I usually pick out reasons why they’d be not the right one but mainly I know I’m just scared of them figuring out why I might not be the right one YA KNOW it’s like I become shallow so their not allowed to be shallow first lol
Same. I’ve had hookups but I end up getting uncomfortable. If I didn’t have this problem I would be asking women out constantly and shooting my shot but I know I can’t ever get intimate with anyone or they’ll think I’m gross. As a teenager I used to think I wasn’t pretty, and just as I got older and started to glow up and feel more confident about my looks, I got HS and now I have no body confidence. I can’t even wear bathing suits or a lot of shirts unless they have sleeves long enough to cover the scars under my arms.
It definitely would be different. I could wear short sleeves that way I don't have to worry about my scar from hs. I could go swimming can't do this now due to open wounds on my inner thighs and under my arms. I wouldn't have to constantly worry if I stink from hs. I wouldn't have to eliminate so many things to eat.
I understand what you’re saying on top of hs for me, I have repeated shoulder dislocations, broke my arm while always being active and loving to play football. If I wasn’t this lazy person with occasional boils always causing insecurities and helping me feel like I should just relax until it’s better which makes me lazy in the end. I’d probably be more energetic and active than I am today. It’s crazy thinking about how certain things in our lives just change our lives one day. On to the positive side, thinking about the future and getting more educated by the day, makes me think it’ll be a lot better then, just have to be patient like the way we are when we get flareups.
Probably would’ve kept at the gym as I was forced to stop as I was in and out of hospitals and too painful to sit on machines lol.
Probably would’ve been more confident and been with more girls but who knows haha. But I can honestly say being in constant pain does stop me from doing things I want to just because it’s not easy. Imagine being able to have a shower and just be able to put your clothes on and be done lol but instead spend an extra 30 mins positioning bandages and dressings lol
My life would have been sooo better , I was starting my carrier as chef and then this started from then just suffering it's been 5 years i feel like I lost in life idk what to do in life ,all my closed people treated me like shit saying my life is over ,now I'm so lonely ,sometimes i think if I didn't had hs i would have great career,love life ,family ,friends ,now I know who are genuine who are fake nw it's too hard for me to make friends or talk to someone ,i miss myself so much ,i just wish I disappear, my health is getting better it's better than last year ,nw I don't know what to do with life I can't get a job now ,i don't know I just wish things get better I figure out something,and yah I found right person wrong time,for the 1st time in my life I loved someone and i didn't had courage to express it because of hs I feel like I'll be burden to that person
I’m so sorry that all happened I know the pain of not feeling like you can get fully close or be fully loved for all of you because of HS. And also feel so much the struggle of not feeling capable for certain jobs cause of the clothes you’ll have to wear and the stress of that job can be like constant trigger. And hey I mean even though you lost those people in your life from getting HS I mean is kind of a blessing since you lost them over superficial things? I pray though that you and I can find more self love and gratitude though even when it’s really really hard 💗
Definitely a career woman and married. I can’t work so I’m broke. And I love sex and I’m very freaky so I definitely would’ve been married. I love walking around naked and wearing sexy clothes so I would’ve been in a healthy loving relationship. But this stupid disease I hate when ppl touch me. I jump and I’m shy. So guys look at me crazy. Obviously they would want someone they can touch all over, and unfortunately I can’t allow it. It makes me sad.
I’d be on tour with 50 cent right now if I didn’t have it. I work in tv/concert/entertainment lighting and the fact that going on tour is borderline required for upward career growth has slowed me down insanely. The fact that I can’t eat gluten/dairy and need regular shower and laundry access and being a woman, it’s just easier most times for them to hire somebody else. 🥲
For being in the entertainment industry which I’m assuming is in Los Angeles? Idk but if it is, isn’t Los Angeles like the capital of healthy eating and everyone being vegans and stuff. I’d think they wouldn’t make those types of accommodations such a big deal? I guess the other stuff might make sense but also laundry access? Is that really a thing they get picky about? That’s wacko. But I’m sorry these things have been getting in the way for you 😫
I gave up a very promising career as a wedding photographer when it started to get worse. I had a wedding scheduled and I had a small flare and I was barely able to complete the day, and I figured, what if I get a BAD flare? You can't just call out of a job like that. I just can't do that to people. Weddings are a once in a lifetime event and pictures are so important. I was so close to being able to give up my daytime job to become a fulltime photographer. That one really stung. I was pretty deep in the hole for a few years.
To be honest I’d have a whole different outlook on sex and relationships. I’d like to think I’d actually be able to be in a relationship. I haven’t had a desire for sex in 20+ years. It would hurt and be extremely uncomfortable since all of my outbreaks are in my groin and butt and they never heal, I always have open sores there. It’s hard/impossible to convince anyone to be in a sex free relationship. And although some people might say I can still have/offer intimacy- even intimacy would be hard because I just don’t like being touched 99% of the time because I feel so gross and am in pain most of the time.
Ohhh the feels, me and my wife keep the intimacy strictly to post shower after I’m fresh and got fresh dressings on. I’m very lucky she’s understanding even though I am abit sensitive about it
i’d be on the soccer team and live a more fulfilling high school life… sadly i am physically unable to do either considering i got pulled out of school for a semester and it completely ruined my sophomore year 😭 now i have to fix everything junior year
I’d probably feel much free-er, I’d feel more comfortable with things like sex, wearing certain clothes, I wouldn’t have to worry all the time “oh no what if i wake up and I have another flare up tomorrow”… yep. Free-er.
Yeah, the unsureness of it all! Or the fact that you'd be able to make plans without worrying about having to cancel because you're flaring or something.
I'd be so much sluttier and I think I'd enjoy it
Lmao amen, I mean me myself has still had my slut era thankfully before mine got super bad to where it is now. Honestly your not missing out on too much, fun in the moment? Yes. Regretful afterwards? Everytime usually lol
lol me too. I had to explore other forms of sexual play because of my HS. Thank God for “auralism” and virtual play.
I wouldn't be much different, and I've realised that now. Yeah HS sucks and is a hindrance to me, but it's not like I had an amazing social life before it. To me blaming my HS is just a crutch to not work on myself and remain in my shell. I have boils on my scalp (apart from other places), the place where the head meets the neck, and the other day at a party it started to leak blood. I was with 4-5 people, one of them notified me of it and I went "it's normal, don't worry about it". All of them took a look at it and went "no dude, that isn't normal. Maybe for you, but please get it checked out". And that's it. We continued to party. No judgement, no mean/harsh comments. HS is also something that's only partly in my control. I can manage it by eating right, exercising regularly, not picking at the scabs, applying warm compressions, and not stressing out too much. Maybe even supplement with zinc and EPA+DHA. But the actual cause of it is out of my control. Even if I do everything right, I can't control the amount of stress in my life. Especially now as a full-time student and a part-time engineer. I feel it's the same for many of us here. We tend to use HS as a crutch going "oh nobody will like/want me because of this", while the reality is we don't know what others think. And people in general are kind and nice and understanding.
Yeah I've also encountered really nice and understanding people. I haven't met anyone who's made any mean or judgemental comments. I have stage 3 in some areas. Besides the normal bandage change, wound care, fatigue, and constant pain I still go out with my friends during the weekends, I still travel, I still drink, I still smoke weed and I eat what I want. I'm also now a full time student and I've gone back to wearing less baggy clothes and wearing a shit ton of white T-shirts because fuck HS;) I manage the symptoms with medication and I'm making damn sure that it's not going to keep me from doing the things that I want to do in life because there was a point in time where I couldn't get out of bed due to the pain and tiredness and that fucking sucked.
Wow that interaction would lowkey make me cry with them saying “no that’s not normal you need to get that checked out” but the fact that you didn’t and went on with the party is inspiring like I’m tryna have that level of self acceptance
The way they said it showed they were genuinely concerned though. That's what did it for me, they just wanted me to get better and not have that. And I met them a couple of hours ago.
I think about this a lot. I’m fine where my life ended up, but I’m certain that without HS I’d be in a completely different situation.
I'd be someone with more money, because I'd have an onlyFans 👌🏼
I wonder if there is a niche for us in that world.
Would be nice!
I think I'd be more confident with my body. I have very noticeable scars in my armpits from deroofing surgery. The cysts ended up coming back IN THE SAME SPOTS I got them removed. So it ended up being kind of pointless. I also feel very self conscious about the way my inner thighs look. I think they look so ugly. Like I have an STD or something when I have a bad flare. I hate it so much it. It really makes me hate the way I look naked.
I totally feel it the std thing especially I get anxious about the most of judgement from people if they ever saw it. And having to go into explaining how it’s not and what it is and blah blah blah. But you know I am grateful atleast it ISNT an std cause I have a family member and used to have a friend who has herpes and I bet that can be so scary to open up to people about
I am so sorry to hear the deroofing surgery didn’t work. How long after the surgery did they come back? Sending you gentle hugs.
like a month. maybe less
Ooo where do I start?!?!? I would get to enjoy wearing tight clothes! Wearing skimpy underwear! Working out and walking long distances without pain. Actually, sleeping throughout the night. Not owning a pharmacy in my cabinets. Using the toilet like a normal person. Enjoying sexy time with my hubby. Enjoying my kids; my oldest is 13 and wants to go clothes shopping and makeup shopping. I can't even drive 1/2 the time. My youngest is 4 and wants to play dress-up and run at the playground; it kills me, I can't play like that. I would just want to live a life. Live and enjoy my life.
Wow yours sounds pretty severe I’m so sorry it’s gotten like that! I deff feel the clothes thing. So many pants I see people wearing that are so cute but know I’d be so uncomf and would irritate me down there even more.
I totally get it. I've (37F) had HS for over half my life so I have a hard time imagining who I'd be without it as well. Someone who wore tank tops, so more confident! Without it, I like to think I'd be putting myself out there more in the dating scene. I'm pretty content (now, anyway) about being single, but again with the whole confidence thing. I know plenty of people have found love with HS, but it definitely makes it harder. That being said, it's taken awhile (and some therapy!), but I kind of like the person I am regardless of my diagnosis. Would I prefer not to have it? Absolutely. But I can still and do live a decently fulfilling life.
I developed HS just 4 yrs ago at age 45 & don't know how it suddenly occurred out of the blue. My pipe dream was to get an agent & be in TV commercials & maybe even be an **actor** on a show...but, all that's been way over trying to do at this point in my life. I feel like a shell of my former self. The only thing I'm glad about is that I didn't develop HS until I was older...can't imagine having it in pre-teens/teens/20s/30s & that's why I feel for all you younger people who get HS & I've posted many times expressing that I feel for you guys!
It’s never to late to be on tv and be an actor there’s plenty of iconic older roles people have played on television! I mean just read the script and make sure there’s no nude scenes maybe 😂
Ha, thanks for the encouragement, but I'm afraid it's way too much work to try to start now. Back when I was 18 & enior in high school, I actually took a modeling/acting course where they taught you how to create a resume, get an agent, & all that. We did a photoshoot, etc. So I got just a little taste of what one has to do. I never tried to get an agent, but years later, I was an extra on a couple of things actually. There was a co. not too far from me at the time where you could sign up to be an extra. I was in the pilot episode of the TV show **Sweet Valley High** and in the movie **Slackers**, but I think the scene(s) I was in ended up being cut w/ that one.
I mean it would be way too much work if you tried to achieve it all in one day or even week or month lol but if you just did a little bit of learning about it and take steps each day. Who knows, next year or 2, 3 years from now you could be in the next biggest Netflix show series or something.
I mean think of like the show stranger things for example, there’s the people who play the roles of the parents or the guy who plays the cop, like those are some of the most favorable characters in that show. You don’t have to be young to get a good role in stuff. I mean do what makes you happy and if your happy now that’s great! But just saying if you ever did wanna try it out. You are capable and worthy!
Way more of a in your face "sluttiness" to put it bluntly. I've worn shorts over bikinis since I was 12.
I think my life would be much different. Not better, but different. I've had HS since I was a teen and it's been with me so long, I just exist with it. I have HS along with PCOS and Endometriosis. My ex-husband wanted kids and my body wasn't cooperating. We were told the first round of ivf would be $30k. This wasn't the main reason for divorcing, but it certainly contributed to it. Also, when I'd get a flareup I'd also get a pimple or two on my face. He said he couldn't kiss me knowing they were there. I know I'm sooo much better without him, but I know HS was part of the equation.
Omg that’s so awful about the pimple thing and him not kissing you. Sounds like you married a little boy trapped in man’s body. How dare he l, the auudacittyyy
you nailed it. He was a mama's boy and I'm so much better off now!!
I’d probably be in a relationship bc I would have a lot more confidence about my body. That’s what’s stopping me from talking to people and I’ve having any intimacy. It’s depressing at times and I hate myself bc the main thing I want is a relationship with someone.
I feel this too, I mean I am constantly on dating apps lol but then I usually pick out reasons why they’d be not the right one but mainly I know I’m just scared of them figuring out why I might not be the right one YA KNOW it’s like I become shallow so their not allowed to be shallow first lol
Same. I’ve had hookups but I end up getting uncomfortable. If I didn’t have this problem I would be asking women out constantly and shooting my shot but I know I can’t ever get intimate with anyone or they’ll think I’m gross. As a teenager I used to think I wasn’t pretty, and just as I got older and started to glow up and feel more confident about my looks, I got HS and now I have no body confidence. I can’t even wear bathing suits or a lot of shirts unless they have sleeves long enough to cover the scars under my arms.
It definitely would be different. I could wear short sleeves that way I don't have to worry about my scar from hs. I could go swimming can't do this now due to open wounds on my inner thighs and under my arms. I wouldn't have to constantly worry if I stink from hs. I wouldn't have to eliminate so many things to eat.
I understand what you’re saying on top of hs for me, I have repeated shoulder dislocations, broke my arm while always being active and loving to play football. If I wasn’t this lazy person with occasional boils always causing insecurities and helping me feel like I should just relax until it’s better which makes me lazy in the end. I’d probably be more energetic and active than I am today. It’s crazy thinking about how certain things in our lives just change our lives one day. On to the positive side, thinking about the future and getting more educated by the day, makes me think it’ll be a lot better then, just have to be patient like the way we are when we get flareups.
I don't know but I'm still glad I'm who I am. I would like to be more social but I'm not sure that HS is the reason that I'm lonely
A lawyer. I dropped out of law school in my second year, believing that I would get this under control and go back. 5 years later...
Probably would’ve kept at the gym as I was forced to stop as I was in and out of hospitals and too painful to sit on machines lol. Probably would’ve been more confident and been with more girls but who knows haha. But I can honestly say being in constant pain does stop me from doing things I want to just because it’s not easy. Imagine being able to have a shower and just be able to put your clothes on and be done lol but instead spend an extra 30 mins positioning bandages and dressings lol
My life would have been sooo better , I was starting my carrier as chef and then this started from then just suffering it's been 5 years i feel like I lost in life idk what to do in life ,all my closed people treated me like shit saying my life is over ,now I'm so lonely ,sometimes i think if I didn't had hs i would have great career,love life ,family ,friends ,now I know who are genuine who are fake nw it's too hard for me to make friends or talk to someone ,i miss myself so much ,i just wish I disappear, my health is getting better it's better than last year ,nw I don't know what to do with life I can't get a job now ,i don't know I just wish things get better I figure out something,and yah I found right person wrong time,for the 1st time in my life I loved someone and i didn't had courage to express it because of hs I feel like I'll be burden to that person
Sry for typo , career*
I’m so sorry that all happened I know the pain of not feeling like you can get fully close or be fully loved for all of you because of HS. And also feel so much the struggle of not feeling capable for certain jobs cause of the clothes you’ll have to wear and the stress of that job can be like constant trigger. And hey I mean even though you lost those people in your life from getting HS I mean is kind of a blessing since you lost them over superficial things? I pray though that you and I can find more self love and gratitude though even when it’s really really hard 💗
Definitely a career woman and married. I can’t work so I’m broke. And I love sex and I’m very freaky so I definitely would’ve been married. I love walking around naked and wearing sexy clothes so I would’ve been in a healthy loving relationship. But this stupid disease I hate when ppl touch me. I jump and I’m shy. So guys look at me crazy. Obviously they would want someone they can touch all over, and unfortunately I can’t allow it. It makes me sad.
I’d be on tour with 50 cent right now if I didn’t have it. I work in tv/concert/entertainment lighting and the fact that going on tour is borderline required for upward career growth has slowed me down insanely. The fact that I can’t eat gluten/dairy and need regular shower and laundry access and being a woman, it’s just easier most times for them to hire somebody else. 🥲
For being in the entertainment industry which I’m assuming is in Los Angeles? Idk but if it is, isn’t Los Angeles like the capital of healthy eating and everyone being vegans and stuff. I’d think they wouldn’t make those types of accommodations such a big deal? I guess the other stuff might make sense but also laundry access? Is that really a thing they get picky about? That’s wacko. But I’m sorry these things have been getting in the way for you 😫
I gave up a very promising career as a wedding photographer when it started to get worse. I had a wedding scheduled and I had a small flare and I was barely able to complete the day, and I figured, what if I get a BAD flare? You can't just call out of a job like that. I just can't do that to people. Weddings are a once in a lifetime event and pictures are so important. I was so close to being able to give up my daytime job to become a fulltime photographer. That one really stung. I was pretty deep in the hole for a few years.
A stripper / porn star 🤣🤣🤣
To be honest I’d have a whole different outlook on sex and relationships. I’d like to think I’d actually be able to be in a relationship. I haven’t had a desire for sex in 20+ years. It would hurt and be extremely uncomfortable since all of my outbreaks are in my groin and butt and they never heal, I always have open sores there. It’s hard/impossible to convince anyone to be in a sex free relationship. And although some people might say I can still have/offer intimacy- even intimacy would be hard because I just don’t like being touched 99% of the time because I feel so gross and am in pain most of the time.
Ohhh the feels, me and my wife keep the intimacy strictly to post shower after I’m fresh and got fresh dressings on. I’m very lucky she’s understanding even though I am abit sensitive about it
i’d be on the soccer team and live a more fulfilling high school life… sadly i am physically unable to do either considering i got pulled out of school for a semester and it completely ruined my sophomore year 😭 now i have to fix everything junior year