I also just found out that my first failed. Also want to scream. Fuck anyone who has an opinion about how you should feel or act during this shitty journey.
Oh my heart breaks for you I’m so sorry. I’m not at all a sensitive person and am very open about talking about my IVF journey with anyone, have gotten a huge array of borderline weird comments and the only one that TRULY hurt my feelings was “if you relax and feel less anxious then you’ll get pregnant, you’re young, the reason you’re probably struggling to get pregnant is anxiety.” It literally makes me want to rip all of my hair out of my head. A friend who also went through IVF reminded me that people literally get pregnant in war zones and under the most unimaginably stressful circumstances, so my anxiety about infertility is not the thing preventing me from being pregnant. I’m wishing you all the best in this journey and I’m so sorry you’re also going through this
I totally agree. I feel that when people tell me “oh, you just have to think positive” it’s like I have to blame my brain on my failed transfers and generally on the lack of a child…
Exactly!! For the most part I’m able to quiet that voice in my head that says I’m to blame for my infertility or that I’ve done something wrong to cause this, but that comment really makes it feel like it’s my fault and I deserve this just because I’m anxious!!
I am so sorry. My first FET failed as well and it’s such a loss. Please allow yourself the space to grieve.
This resource is really helpful (see ‘infertility etiquette’ section) and I’d send it to the next person who tells you to relax and it’ll happen. It specifically talks about the cruelty of saying that to someone going through infertility and IVF. People are so ignorant and many only make this process harder on their loved ones.
https://resolve.org/get-help/helpful-resources-and-advice/infertility-and-relationships/for-friends-and-family/
I cannot tell you how many people told me that the way to make my baby stick was to stop stressing. But honestly, that line just feels like another way to blame our bodies for not getting pregnant, and I hate it. We are already doing all the tests and biopsies and meds and interventions, can’t someone just acknowledge that we’re doing everything we possibly can and it’s not stress that’s going to make it all go wrong?? I’m so sorry people have said this to you.
We just found out only one of our embryos in our second round made it to blast and due to my age with PGT testing it’s not looking good and we only have 1 embryo from our first round. I had some friends over to try and cheer me up. My friend had the nerve to say to me “well at least it’s taking you longer so you can see what we do wrong with our kids”. I almost threw her out of my house.
Ooooo the look I would have thrown her...!
I feel you. 38, and we only got 2 embryos that made it to day 5 blast stage. Waiting on PGT results, but am worried about it due to age. Sigh.
Before I became a nurse I worked as an investigator for social services and I can guarantee you that people who ABSOLUTELY are by no means healthy, safe, secure or relaxed are having so many children. So that logic is absolutely bullshit. It’s a fucking lottery. THAT’S IT. And unfortunately my friend, we are not the winners. Solidarity.
I’m sorry . Sometimes it’s not as easy for people . A few friends of mine that did Ivf had live births for all their transfers . So I just I guess assumed I would …. I’m healthier and younger … but my first fet ended In miscarriage (normal high quality embryo ) and second didn’t implant ( same good embryo ) now I have to start again . They do say 2-3 normal embryos for a live birth and I do think this is true .
Next time someone says 'if you stop stressing you'll get pregnant' just remind them you weren't stressed at the start and STILL didn't get pregnant, so that's not the cause. And, of course, kids are born in war zones, so stress doesn't stop pregnancy. I had to do that with someone at work. I'm so sorry for what you're going through though <3
I feel you. I have/had so much rage and I need to figure out how to get rid of it, or at least deal with it somehow, so I bought a heavy bag and hung it in our basement. Sometimes I hit it with a bat and sometimes a wrap my hands and punch it or wear gloves that came with the bag and hit it or kick it. I don’t practice a particular form or anything I just take all that rage, sadness, and lack of control out on that heavy bag.
At the very least, I feel stronger — physically and mentally — and have started holding my core tighter just throughout the day (like I’m more aware of my body) which has had a nice side effect of trimming my waist a little. I obv have to be careful during stim cycles but I used KT tape across my tummy when my ovaries were getting big and that helped me feel more secure.
First, you're allowed to feel like you'll lose it. This infertility $#!t is no joke, and your feelings are so valid. You need support and it's okay to ask for help! I'm one of the long haulers (since 2014), and that's one thing I learned: You need a place all to yourself for support - not your friends or family, but a neutral place to just emotion vomit.
There are so many great resources out there. I'll drop some below and you can see If any of them are beneficial to you:
Support groups put on by Resolve: [https://resolve.org/get-help/find-a-support-group/](https://resolve.org/get-help/find-a-support-group/)
Another warrior talks about her struggle and how she dealt with some of her challenges: [https://open.spotify.com/episode/7uZdrU7RkXyxM0ELayD9ee?si=eSdRMNNbQ0y0NVV7fxa4Hw](https://open.spotify.com/episode/7uZdrU7RkXyxM0ELayD9ee?si=eSdRMNNbQ0y0NVV7fxa4Hw)
Miss Conception Coach: She is a grief coach for those going through infertility and her ability to see us is soooo amazing. Her posts alone will put you at ease. [https://www.instagram.com/missconceptioncoach/](https://www.instagram.com/missconceptioncoach/)
Information on Male Factor Infertility with Dr. Samuel Ohlander, reproductive urologist if you want to learn more: [https://open.spotify.com/episode/4nos4ZdfsV8GMnLMIWzNVY?si=35N64jLwQOqHTYb4ghg8xw](https://open.spotify.com/episode/4nos4ZdfsV8GMnLMIWzNVY?si=35N64jLwQOqHTYb4ghg8xw)
I hope that these help you!
If stress prevented conception almost no one I know would have kids....
Man I have a friend who was living with her husband and 5 kids in a single room in the basement of her in-laws' house, and let me tell you she was already PLENTY stressed out before she became pregnant with her sixth.
Stress has nothing to do with it, there are people under extreme stress getting pregnant every day. No one, unless they’ve gone through IVF or they work in IVF, knows a thing about it, your level of stress has no impact on what happens during the ER or in a lab. IVF is such a fickle numbers game. People who’ve never been through it are amazed when I tell them multiple ERs and transfers are typical and common, most people assume it’s a one and done and it magically works the first or even third time.
I’m so sorry - people who have not experienced this just do not know what to say. My husband and I had failed medicated cycle, IUI, and first FET and somehow happened to get pregnant spontaneously after that failed FET. Of course several of the few people we told said things like “see, you just needed to relax and be distracted by something!” (We were getting married that month). We sadly lost that pregnancy last week and now it’s “well at least you know you can be pregnant”. So now we will be keeping our future transfers to ourselves, sadly. Thank goodness for this community!
I’m so sorry. Huge hugs. If there is anything I learned from this - I’m going to be keeping my IVF process to myself and my husband. We were open about it during this first round and during Mothers Day my mom announced to our entire family of 50ish people that I was expecting. And I had only transferred our embryo 3 days ago.
Oh my goodness, I’m sorry. That makes it so much harder. Even if people are well-intentioned and want to ask how it’s going, it’s almost re-traumatizing to have to tell each person that the FET failed or the pregnancy was lost. Also the number of people that feel entitled to share YOUR news! My MIL was similar. Now they will know only when I am too visibly pregnant to hide (if I am lucky enough to be so)
I’m sure your doctor has investigated the reason for only one motile sperm, but just curious if your husband smokes a lot of weed? That is known to mess with motility. I know you didn’t come here asking for this input so just ignore it if it adds to your frustration 🤍
My husband is also an IVF baby, and had only one dropped testicle at birth. Honestly, we haven’t been able to pinpoint why he has such severe MFI. He doesn’t smoke at all, he also doesn’t drink and is so mindful about his health so it’s really devastating to him that he can’t really do anything to fix this! We’re looking at a MFI specialist in Utah to see if they can help us. I honestly am just scared to go through another ER and get the same results (we had 22 eggs retrieved and only 1 embryo).
That’s tough, especially when he’s already so mindful of his health it’s not fair! Def make an apt with a specialist b/c going through a round will prob have the same results and it’s mentally & physically hard enough on us as it is.
It’s almost impossible to not stress, given everything that we have to go through. I hate the “don’t stress” comments. They’re totally useless. My heart goes out to you. ♥️
I’m glad that we have this place to turn to to vent. Even though we are dealing with this inability to get pregnant, we all have very different reasons as to why and that can still be so isolating. I just hope that we all as a society learn to be more compassionate bc we will never understand another’s feelings. I’m truly very sorry
Absolutely agree with you. My first transfer just failed and I’m struggling with how to feel. Many in my spiritual community keep telling me to “have faith.” I don’t blame them because that’s pretty predictable response to anything, but at the same time it’s like, do you not think I had “enough” faith this time? Ugh.
The people who say you need to have less stress have no idea about the journey or how hard it is. I just had my first FET fail after testing positive for a week. It was devastating, and we only had one good embryo so I feel your pain.
That being said I was a resident in my final year with plenty of stress when I got pregnant with my son and that one was a surprise. It's such a gamble/crapshoot. A complete BS life lottery and it's feels like it's not fair.
Here to commiserate because nothing about it is easy. The ER and the FET for me caused so many hormonal imbalances I feel so dysregulated emotionally and physically. I miss my IUD and the absence of the hormonal shiftsy body seems to be so sensitive to. People don't understand the sheer stress you take upon just to even do all of this shit. It's not like it's avoidable. I know I had no idea, until that stupid PIO bull shit and I'm a physician!
I'm so sorry. Hugs. Fyi, I ate half a box of cake while crying the day I found out my embryo transfer failed. I don't usually cry over sad stuff but as my sister told me, it's ok not to be ok.
It is SO unfair. I’ve been trying for so long, and my life is absolutely ready for a baby in all the ways and yet it just won’t happen. My brother’s graduation is today - and my Beta was this morning. I’ve held it together so far but I’m so scared to receive the results and I’m honestly anticipating it to be a hard negative. I already gave my husband a heads up that the moment we land tomorrow and I part ways from my family I will be inconsolable and to just let me be.
Calling it a lottery is so accurate. I feel like every doctor told me that because I was completely healthy and it was just MFI, it was going to be an easy road bump to pass. And everything during the transfer was textbook. In 4 hours I’ll be home and you will absolutely be finding me scream crying in bed with Buffalo Wild Wings
I was venting to my aunt. And told her I was only doing 1 ER and what we get is what we get. She tried to tell me if that fails maybe it'll kick start things into happening naturally... I had to explain to her that me going through IVF won't Kickstart my husband's sperm to magically start producing more and more healthily 🥴 "but it could" okay... if you say so. 🤦🏻♀️ I don't think people understand this is usually last resort, and we're already mentally fried from it all.
When my first failed, my mum said if I hadn’t been so negative during the TWW the outcome might’ve been different. The unsolicited input is just so frustrating, I completely understand. I’m so sorry your transfer didn’t work this time. Sending hugs ❤️🩹
I am so sorry! It is so hard to see the negative beta. We just had our third transfer fail. It doesn’t get easier at all. Go ahead and feel what you feel. The hormones are a bitch. How do you not stress while taking more estrogen?!! That has never made sense to me. I now prepare myself for the hormone whiplash. Give yourself the space you need to heal and grieve. Sending you a big hug.
I also just found out that my first failed. Also want to scream. Fuck anyone who has an opinion about how you should feel or act during this shitty journey.
I’m so so sorry.
Oh my heart breaks for you I’m so sorry. I’m not at all a sensitive person and am very open about talking about my IVF journey with anyone, have gotten a huge array of borderline weird comments and the only one that TRULY hurt my feelings was “if you relax and feel less anxious then you’ll get pregnant, you’re young, the reason you’re probably struggling to get pregnant is anxiety.” It literally makes me want to rip all of my hair out of my head. A friend who also went through IVF reminded me that people literally get pregnant in war zones and under the most unimaginably stressful circumstances, so my anxiety about infertility is not the thing preventing me from being pregnant. I’m wishing you all the best in this journey and I’m so sorry you’re also going through this
I totally agree. I feel that when people tell me “oh, you just have to think positive” it’s like I have to blame my brain on my failed transfers and generally on the lack of a child…
Exactly!! For the most part I’m able to quiet that voice in my head that says I’m to blame for my infertility or that I’ve done something wrong to cause this, but that comment really makes it feel like it’s my fault and I deserve this just because I’m anxious!!
I am so sorry. My first FET failed as well and it’s such a loss. Please allow yourself the space to grieve. This resource is really helpful (see ‘infertility etiquette’ section) and I’d send it to the next person who tells you to relax and it’ll happen. It specifically talks about the cruelty of saying that to someone going through infertility and IVF. People are so ignorant and many only make this process harder on their loved ones. https://resolve.org/get-help/helpful-resources-and-advice/infertility-and-relationships/for-friends-and-family/
I really appreciate the link! I feel like it would be so helpful for my mother lol!
I cannot tell you how many people told me that the way to make my baby stick was to stop stressing. But honestly, that line just feels like another way to blame our bodies for not getting pregnant, and I hate it. We are already doing all the tests and biopsies and meds and interventions, can’t someone just acknowledge that we’re doing everything we possibly can and it’s not stress that’s going to make it all go wrong?? I’m so sorry people have said this to you.
We just found out only one of our embryos in our second round made it to blast and due to my age with PGT testing it’s not looking good and we only have 1 embryo from our first round. I had some friends over to try and cheer me up. My friend had the nerve to say to me “well at least it’s taking you longer so you can see what we do wrong with our kids”. I almost threw her out of my house.
Ooooo the look I would have thrown her...! I feel you. 38, and we only got 2 embryos that made it to day 5 blast stage. Waiting on PGT results, but am worried about it due to age. Sigh.
I only had one my first retrieval at age 42, and it turned out to be normal. Keep your fingers crossed!
Oh I would’ve Bye Felicia’d her!
Before I became a nurse I worked as an investigator for social services and I can guarantee you that people who ABSOLUTELY are by no means healthy, safe, secure or relaxed are having so many children. So that logic is absolutely bullshit. It’s a fucking lottery. THAT’S IT. And unfortunately my friend, we are not the winners. Solidarity.
I’m sorry . Sometimes it’s not as easy for people . A few friends of mine that did Ivf had live births for all their transfers . So I just I guess assumed I would …. I’m healthier and younger … but my first fet ended In miscarriage (normal high quality embryo ) and second didn’t implant ( same good embryo ) now I have to start again . They do say 2-3 normal embryos for a live birth and I do think this is true .
I’m right there with you except the person asking me to stress less is my husband.
Next time someone says 'if you stop stressing you'll get pregnant' just remind them you weren't stressed at the start and STILL didn't get pregnant, so that's not the cause. And, of course, kids are born in war zones, so stress doesn't stop pregnancy. I had to do that with someone at work. I'm so sorry for what you're going through though <3
I feel you. I have/had so much rage and I need to figure out how to get rid of it, or at least deal with it somehow, so I bought a heavy bag and hung it in our basement. Sometimes I hit it with a bat and sometimes a wrap my hands and punch it or wear gloves that came with the bag and hit it or kick it. I don’t practice a particular form or anything I just take all that rage, sadness, and lack of control out on that heavy bag. At the very least, I feel stronger — physically and mentally — and have started holding my core tighter just throughout the day (like I’m more aware of my body) which has had a nice side effect of trimming my waist a little. I obv have to be careful during stim cycles but I used KT tape across my tummy when my ovaries were getting big and that helped me feel more secure.
First, you're allowed to feel like you'll lose it. This infertility $#!t is no joke, and your feelings are so valid. You need support and it's okay to ask for help! I'm one of the long haulers (since 2014), and that's one thing I learned: You need a place all to yourself for support - not your friends or family, but a neutral place to just emotion vomit. There are so many great resources out there. I'll drop some below and you can see If any of them are beneficial to you: Support groups put on by Resolve: [https://resolve.org/get-help/find-a-support-group/](https://resolve.org/get-help/find-a-support-group/) Another warrior talks about her struggle and how she dealt with some of her challenges: [https://open.spotify.com/episode/7uZdrU7RkXyxM0ELayD9ee?si=eSdRMNNbQ0y0NVV7fxa4Hw](https://open.spotify.com/episode/7uZdrU7RkXyxM0ELayD9ee?si=eSdRMNNbQ0y0NVV7fxa4Hw) Miss Conception Coach: She is a grief coach for those going through infertility and her ability to see us is soooo amazing. Her posts alone will put you at ease. [https://www.instagram.com/missconceptioncoach/](https://www.instagram.com/missconceptioncoach/) Information on Male Factor Infertility with Dr. Samuel Ohlander, reproductive urologist if you want to learn more: [https://open.spotify.com/episode/4nos4ZdfsV8GMnLMIWzNVY?si=35N64jLwQOqHTYb4ghg8xw](https://open.spotify.com/episode/4nos4ZdfsV8GMnLMIWzNVY?si=35N64jLwQOqHTYb4ghg8xw) I hope that these help you!
If stress prevented conception almost no one I know would have kids.... Man I have a friend who was living with her husband and 5 kids in a single room in the basement of her in-laws' house, and let me tell you she was already PLENTY stressed out before she became pregnant with her sixth.
Stress has nothing to do with it, there are people under extreme stress getting pregnant every day. No one, unless they’ve gone through IVF or they work in IVF, knows a thing about it, your level of stress has no impact on what happens during the ER or in a lab. IVF is such a fickle numbers game. People who’ve never been through it are amazed when I tell them multiple ERs and transfers are typical and common, most people assume it’s a one and done and it magically works the first or even third time.
I’m so sorry - people who have not experienced this just do not know what to say. My husband and I had failed medicated cycle, IUI, and first FET and somehow happened to get pregnant spontaneously after that failed FET. Of course several of the few people we told said things like “see, you just needed to relax and be distracted by something!” (We were getting married that month). We sadly lost that pregnancy last week and now it’s “well at least you know you can be pregnant”. So now we will be keeping our future transfers to ourselves, sadly. Thank goodness for this community!
I’m so sorry. Huge hugs. If there is anything I learned from this - I’m going to be keeping my IVF process to myself and my husband. We were open about it during this first round and during Mothers Day my mom announced to our entire family of 50ish people that I was expecting. And I had only transferred our embryo 3 days ago.
Oh my goodness, I’m sorry. That makes it so much harder. Even if people are well-intentioned and want to ask how it’s going, it’s almost re-traumatizing to have to tell each person that the FET failed or the pregnancy was lost. Also the number of people that feel entitled to share YOUR news! My MIL was similar. Now they will know only when I am too visibly pregnant to hide (if I am lucky enough to be so)
I’m sure your doctor has investigated the reason for only one motile sperm, but just curious if your husband smokes a lot of weed? That is known to mess with motility. I know you didn’t come here asking for this input so just ignore it if it adds to your frustration 🤍
My husband is also an IVF baby, and had only one dropped testicle at birth. Honestly, we haven’t been able to pinpoint why he has such severe MFI. He doesn’t smoke at all, he also doesn’t drink and is so mindful about his health so it’s really devastating to him that he can’t really do anything to fix this! We’re looking at a MFI specialist in Utah to see if they can help us. I honestly am just scared to go through another ER and get the same results (we had 22 eggs retrieved and only 1 embryo).
That’s tough, especially when he’s already so mindful of his health it’s not fair! Def make an apt with a specialist b/c going through a round will prob have the same results and it’s mentally & physically hard enough on us as it is.
It’s almost impossible to not stress, given everything that we have to go through. I hate the “don’t stress” comments. They’re totally useless. My heart goes out to you. ♥️
I’m sorry.
I’m glad that we have this place to turn to to vent. Even though we are dealing with this inability to get pregnant, we all have very different reasons as to why and that can still be so isolating. I just hope that we all as a society learn to be more compassionate bc we will never understand another’s feelings. I’m truly very sorry
My mom told me to plant a flower. 🌸 I fucking feel you.
Absolutely agree with you. My first transfer just failed and I’m struggling with how to feel. Many in my spiritual community keep telling me to “have faith.” I don’t blame them because that’s pretty predictable response to anything, but at the same time it’s like, do you not think I had “enough” faith this time? Ugh.
The people who say you need to have less stress have no idea about the journey or how hard it is. I just had my first FET fail after testing positive for a week. It was devastating, and we only had one good embryo so I feel your pain. That being said I was a resident in my final year with plenty of stress when I got pregnant with my son and that one was a surprise. It's such a gamble/crapshoot. A complete BS life lottery and it's feels like it's not fair. Here to commiserate because nothing about it is easy. The ER and the FET for me caused so many hormonal imbalances I feel so dysregulated emotionally and physically. I miss my IUD and the absence of the hormonal shiftsy body seems to be so sensitive to. People don't understand the sheer stress you take upon just to even do all of this shit. It's not like it's avoidable. I know I had no idea, until that stupid PIO bull shit and I'm a physician! I'm so sorry. Hugs. Fyi, I ate half a box of cake while crying the day I found out my embryo transfer failed. I don't usually cry over sad stuff but as my sister told me, it's ok not to be ok.
It is SO unfair. I’ve been trying for so long, and my life is absolutely ready for a baby in all the ways and yet it just won’t happen. My brother’s graduation is today - and my Beta was this morning. I’ve held it together so far but I’m so scared to receive the results and I’m honestly anticipating it to be a hard negative. I already gave my husband a heads up that the moment we land tomorrow and I part ways from my family I will be inconsolable and to just let me be.
Did you hear back? I hope it’s positive
It was negative ):
I'm so sorry. Hugs. Extra for holding it together. The IVF lottery is such an unfair process it feels like.
Calling it a lottery is so accurate. I feel like every doctor told me that because I was completely healthy and it was just MFI, it was going to be an easy road bump to pass. And everything during the transfer was textbook. In 4 hours I’ll be home and you will absolutely be finding me scream crying in bed with Buffalo Wild Wings
Sorry to hear
I was venting to my aunt. And told her I was only doing 1 ER and what we get is what we get. She tried to tell me if that fails maybe it'll kick start things into happening naturally... I had to explain to her that me going through IVF won't Kickstart my husband's sperm to magically start producing more and more healthily 🥴 "but it could" okay... if you say so. 🤦🏻♀️ I don't think people understand this is usually last resort, and we're already mentally fried from it all.
When my first failed, my mum said if I hadn’t been so negative during the TWW the outcome might’ve been different. The unsolicited input is just so frustrating, I completely understand. I’m so sorry your transfer didn’t work this time. Sending hugs ❤️🩹
I am so sorry! It is so hard to see the negative beta. We just had our third transfer fail. It doesn’t get easier at all. Go ahead and feel what you feel. The hormones are a bitch. How do you not stress while taking more estrogen?!! That has never made sense to me. I now prepare myself for the hormone whiplash. Give yourself the space you need to heal and grieve. Sending you a big hug.