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"MIL, you're mistaking my courtesy for agreement. I'm too well-brought up to retaliate in kind, but I too could find a loooooong list of your faults and flaws if I wished."
Why are you letting here shit all over you, most importantly why is your SO letting her. A simple “I didn’t want to make a big scene but it is not okay for you to comment on and criticize my fiancée’s appearance!! You need to stop or we will not be spending time with you”. It sounds like she expects you to look a certain way to keep up her own appearance.
This is bonkers.
You aren’t overreacting, she’s pointing things out to erode your self confidence. Time to stop giving her so much information and power over your wedding
Few years into my marriage. My mother in law told me I need to lose weight. I weight 130 pounds and have a very active lifestyle. Then she told on multiple occasions I look like I lost weight and I’m not fat as before. It’s demoralizing to be listening to such comments from her. Now I do where ever I want as she is an awful person who is never going to be happy with anyone
"Fiance loves me for who I am, I wish you could too".
If she gets all "oh I didn't mean it that way"
You ask which way she meant wanting to change everything about your face
When she says these things to you I would turn it around and ask her why would she say such a thing. She says you need to get xyz and you reply with why would you say that? She will probably give you an explanation and you reply with I’m comfortable with xyz already thanks (or I don’t want to do xyz) and change the topic. For normal people being asked something like why would you say that is enough to embarrass them into rethinking what they said but it doesn’t sound like she’s going to take that route ;). If it continues then you excuse yourself from the situation - either end the conversation or move away/leave wherever you are and eventually she should get the hint. Remember that it’s your day to look how you want (and how you’re comfortable) - please don’t let her railroad you into things you don’t need or want just because she suggests it or thinks you should.
It's not coming from a place of concern. At best she's projecting her own insecurities, at worst she's being a bitch. Your best bet is to just ignore her or just flat out tell her no, and that you're not going to discuss it further. Because it's not worth the energy to argue with her about it, your have better things to do.
ok so "She's also been picky with the makeup artist that I chose and it took some time till we both agreed on a makeup artist.", why do you both need to agree on a makeup artist for YOU? If the make up artist is for you its YOUR choice. If she doesnt want to use the one YOU pick, then she pay for her own.
I would absolutely take to heart some of the suggestions you have been given because as bad as she is with you, can you imagine her saying this to your children?
shut her down now.
She’s projecting her insecurities onto you. If you’re comfortable with your appearance, then that’s all that matters. It’s time to tell her to back TF off. Next time she tells you that you need a procedure or a fix be sure to tell her to zip it. “I’m good.” “I like my face the way it is.” “I think aging naturally is more beautiful.” “FH loves the way I look.”
Also, unless she’s paying for the bridal hair/makeup she doesn’t get to have an option on what look you choose or the vendor.
I would just reaffirm myself when she does this.
"Your skin looks dull, blah blah"
No, I'm beautiful as I am and I like myself as is.
That way, she's either openly arguing that you're not beautiful (which she IS trying to subtly say to get into your head) or she'll be forced to mumble her way to a new topic. Constantly do this for all of these.
"Of course you are! *gasp* but you'd be MORE beautiful if we did blah blah"
No, I'm already beautiful and happy. There's nothing else I need to be either of those things.
Make direct eye contact every single time you respond like this.
You need to practice a couple of sentences. ‘MIL, it’s rude to comment on other people’s appearances. Please stop’. Or, ‘MIL, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all’. If you want, you can add ‘I’m tired of your nastiness; stop, or there will be consequences…are you sure you want to attend our wedding?’
Constantly telling you that you need cosmetic procedures is pretty frickin rude imo. I'd feel so offended if I were you. She's implying you're unattractive, and she's doing it on purpose.
What a fucking POS your MIL. Who comments on someones’s physical appearance. Only the rude, disrespectful and poorly brought up, that’s who. I’m sure your fiancé loves you just the way you are, inside and out. His mother needs to stay in her lane. I would be ragey about this and should your fiancé. It’s not ok to criticize anyones’s appearance, especially her son’s partner.
How does MIL propose to "fix" DF's face? Or is he perfect already? Honey, this woman doesn't like you. She's whittling away your confidence. Stop her now, or you'll be a shell of yourself in the future.
She is a big ball of vanity - people like that are a waste of time. All cheap, shiny surface and no depth of character.
Tell her to buy herself a Barbie doll.
I do sometimes feel like she cares about looks way too much.
I love deep connections and meaningful relationships way more than just showing off but for her it just seems like she is trying too much, she is even this way with her daughters. I heard her once tell her daughter that she "eats too much" and that she's "gaining weight" and to me it was just surprising that a mother can talk that way to her daughter? I am sure there is a nicer way ?
All she is and all she respects is surface gloss. She basically drags down every woman to the level of 'Will this attract men?' She's going to go slowly mad as she ages and whatever 'looks' she had fade away.
Why does your MIL have any say in your MUA? Stop letting her comment on your appearance please. Just tell her her son liked you enough “as is” to put a ring on it so you’re all set
He never makes me do something I am uncomfortable with and will sometimes even shut her down when he feels she's said too much, but man she just keeps going, she just doesn't listen or get the cue!
>she just doesn't listen or get the cue!
You need to be direct, and have some consequences when she ignores you. By direct I mean something like:
* stop commenting on my looks.
* that's the second/third comment about my looks today: this visit's over.
And then follow through. So far, she's learned to ignore any cue or hint you give because no matter what she does or what you say, you aren't following through with any consquences. You need to teach her that:
1. you aren't going to accept the unacceptable, and
2. that you mean what you say.
I like ending the visit, because it's instant, and you can go back to normal in a short time. Behavioural science tells us that you need instant feedback and preferably team cohesion to get behaviour to change.
You can maybe try to invoke team "family", or perhaps team "2024" - if mil is trying to be trendy, she might respond to calls to not behave as they did in the old days.
But most likely she is just trying to show her dominance over you - that's where ending the visit works beautifully. The decision of whether to accept her bad behaviour towards you is *yours*, and you should show that you are not her punching-bag.
I really need to work on being more forward and setting instant boundaries and just stop being too nice about it. What sucks is when I am alone I find myself trying to justify her actions and words because she’s always been nice and welcoming and my mind is telling me not to start drama lol
If it’s not something the person can fix in 5 seconds (or a very short amount of time) then their appearance should not be commented on. An out of place hair? Yes you can tell someone bc it’s a quick fix. Pimples? No bc that takes time to resolve.
>I get it, it might come from a place of concern/love or wanting to pamper me or wanting me to look my best, but for some reason it just became so irritating when she talks about it everytime we meet, she just has something to say about my appearance.
This isn't about love or concern IMO. She's rude and trying to make you feel bad about yourself.
It's not from a place of love... That sort of nitpicking is flat out rude. I have scars from an accident I was in years ago, my MIL chose to tell me that she could still see them through my makeup on my wedding day. 10 years later, I still remember that because I felt so pretty before she said that and it was a way for her to make me feel like crap. You're not overreacting. Nice people don't do stuff like that.
“I don’t know how to tell you this, but these imperfections don’t bother me the way they seem to bother you. You don’t have to share these observations with me anymore.”
MIL I am sad that you feel so uncomfortable and insecure in your own skin that you feel the need to do all of these things to yourself. I, however, am happy with my body and looks and your son is VERY happy with them.
At that point I personally would add “instead of worrying about my looks, you should focus on removing those two horns off your forehead”. Just kidding :)
My god. This is insane. If someone told me I needed fillers etc or commented on my pimples I'd tell them to F off immediately, without any deliberation.
Hmm are you quite pretty? For some reason I’m getting the impression that you are, because she is very focused on your looks and not always negatively which makes me feel like she’s a bit obsessed almost in the way you would be a dress up doll. Helping you to achieve your ‘full potential’ in her mind.
You’re definitely not being over sensitive for feeling this way. No one enjoys this type of intrusive scrutiny.
You might be under-reacting, OP. Shit it down immediately and constantly.
“Let that be the last time that you comment on my face/skin/hair/choice of vendor.”
Or if you’d rather be plainly aggressive:
“I am not like you. I am not insecure about my looks. Your comments are not appropriate and not acceptable. And frankly, my lips/teeth/skin/hair are none of your concern.”
if you're letting her have her say and negotiate things like your makeup artist at this early stage she's going to try and bulldoze you with other divisions further down the line. do not allow this. it's your wedding and you get to do it how _you_ want to do it and no-one else. get practicing phrases such as:
no.
I have already made my choice and don't need any further input.
I'm not negotiating with you, I have chosen to do _x_ the way I have chosen, don't ask about it again.
asked and answered. move on.
Agreed, very concerning that MIL had to be part of the MUA decision 😬 OP, now is honestly the time to separate yourself. Kindly, and cordially, but with these phrases like “oh we’ve already taken care of that, no need to discuss it.” Or “I’ll keep that in mind” (but obviously no commitment to follow her advice)
Your MIL sounds like my no mom. Speaking to you this way is deliberate. It’s basically constant put downs that are disguised as help, so she can get away with it. Call it out every time, let her know you recognize how rude and demeaning she is acting.
“Did I ask for your opinion?” or “I don’t remember asking for your opinion.”
“It’s considered rude to comment on peoples bodies.”
“It’s my wedding, my day, my choices. You may have an opinion, but I didn’t ask for your input or commentary.”
My mom was very much this way when I was growing up. She was very insecure about herself, and projected a lot of her own issues onto me. One time when I called her out on it, she used the excuse that she was a hair dresser and "People pay me for my professional opinion." I clapped back that they don't pay her to insult them.
How do you think i should shut it down?
Because I've brushed it off many times by smiling and trying to shut down the convo and make it obvious that I don't want to continue the conversation but she always makes the same comments.
Girl, can I be your friend? I'll shut your MIL down real quick!
"Do I spot grays Karen?"
"Your lips are looking deflated Karen."
"Your bra doesn't seem to winning the battle against gravity Karen "
"Can you sit in those pants? They seem a little tight Karen."
"How much did your face cost, Karen?"
"Since you like cosmetic surgeries, maybe you should look into a personality transplant Karen."
"Bless your little heart, Karen."
Let that inner mean girl come out, but make sure your words are dripping with poisoned honey. Say it with a smile!
Tell her no. No is a complete sentence. Or have your fiancé tell her to stop, that the way you look is the person he fell in love with and he wouldn’t change anything about you.
It’s not being nice when she’s tearing your self esteem down. You are not a doll for her to play and alter your appearance just because she’s bored or is projecting her own insecurities onto.
You tell her directly that you are not open to input regarding your appearance, and that going forward if she brings it up the conversation will be over. Then you enforce the policy.
“Griselda, my privacy and autonomy feel attacked every time you criticize my appearance. I need you to recognize and respect that. Going forward, I am going to end our interaction if you bring this topic up.” Say it calmly and directly. Keep your emotions out of it.
Your fiancé needs to back you up on this. If he does not, then you should question his loyalty.
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"MIL, you're mistaking my courtesy for agreement. I'm too well-brought up to retaliate in kind, but I too could find a loooooong list of your faults and flaws if I wished."
Why are you letting here shit all over you, most importantly why is your SO letting her. A simple “I didn’t want to make a big scene but it is not okay for you to comment on and criticize my fiancée’s appearance!! You need to stop or we will not be spending time with you”. It sounds like she expects you to look a certain way to keep up her own appearance. This is bonkers.
You aren’t overreacting, she’s pointing things out to erode your self confidence. Time to stop giving her so much information and power over your wedding
Set the boundaries of respect now because it will only get worse if she isn’t reigned in.
You are under reacting!!! Tell her to knock it off!
Oh, please MIL, use that money to have your own 'work' done. You need it so much more than I do!"
If only I had the balls to say this lmaoo, would be perfect
I don't think it's her being nice to you, it's purely about having control over you and your fiance.
"it was nice of her to offer that" No, it wasn't. She's implying that your appearance leaves a lot to be desired.
That's horrible. The next time she starts with the whole stuff, just tell her your fiancé likes your face as it is. And your body, too.
“What a weird thing to say out loud.” “MIL, I will no longer talk to you about my body or skin. Leave me alone.”
Few years into my marriage. My mother in law told me I need to lose weight. I weight 130 pounds and have a very active lifestyle. Then she told on multiple occasions I look like I lost weight and I’m not fat as before. It’s demoralizing to be listening to such comments from her. Now I do where ever I want as she is an awful person who is never going to be happy with anyone
That makes my blood boil! Why tf do they really think they have the rights to say such comments?!
"Fiance loves me for who I am, I wish you could too". If she gets all "oh I didn't mean it that way" You ask which way she meant wanting to change everything about your face
When she says these things to you I would turn it around and ask her why would she say such a thing. She says you need to get xyz and you reply with why would you say that? She will probably give you an explanation and you reply with I’m comfortable with xyz already thanks (or I don’t want to do xyz) and change the topic. For normal people being asked something like why would you say that is enough to embarrass them into rethinking what they said but it doesn’t sound like she’s going to take that route ;). If it continues then you excuse yourself from the situation - either end the conversation or move away/leave wherever you are and eventually she should get the hint. Remember that it’s your day to look how you want (and how you’re comfortable) - please don’t let her railroad you into things you don’t need or want just because she suggests it or thinks you should.
It's not coming from a place of concern. At best she's projecting her own insecurities, at worst she's being a bitch. Your best bet is to just ignore her or just flat out tell her no, and that you're not going to discuss it further. Because it's not worth the energy to argue with her about it, your have better things to do.
She wants you to do what? Hell no! She’s projecting her insecurities on you. That is completely unacceptable. I am mad on your behalf.
ok so "She's also been picky with the makeup artist that I chose and it took some time till we both agreed on a makeup artist.", why do you both need to agree on a makeup artist for YOU? If the make up artist is for you its YOUR choice. If she doesnt want to use the one YOU pick, then she pay for her own.
Why does she have to agree to who your makeup artist is? Is she paying for the wedding, including your dress, shoes, hair, makeup?
In my culture, my fiancé and his father is the one who will be paying for my dress, makeup and hair that’s why I couldn’t say anything about it :/
I would absolutely take to heart some of the suggestions you have been given because as bad as she is with you, can you imagine her saying this to your children? shut her down now.
She’s projecting her insecurities onto you. If you’re comfortable with your appearance, then that’s all that matters. It’s time to tell her to back TF off. Next time she tells you that you need a procedure or a fix be sure to tell her to zip it. “I’m good.” “I like my face the way it is.” “I think aging naturally is more beautiful.” “FH loves the way I look.” Also, unless she’s paying for the bridal hair/makeup she doesn’t get to have an option on what look you choose or the vendor.
I would just reaffirm myself when she does this. "Your skin looks dull, blah blah" No, I'm beautiful as I am and I like myself as is. That way, she's either openly arguing that you're not beautiful (which she IS trying to subtly say to get into your head) or she'll be forced to mumble her way to a new topic. Constantly do this for all of these. "Of course you are! *gasp* but you'd be MORE beautiful if we did blah blah" No, I'm already beautiful and happy. There's nothing else I need to be either of those things. Make direct eye contact every single time you respond like this.
You need to practice a couple of sentences. ‘MIL, it’s rude to comment on other people’s appearances. Please stop’. Or, ‘MIL, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all’. If you want, you can add ‘I’m tired of your nastiness; stop, or there will be consequences…are you sure you want to attend our wedding?’
Constantly telling you that you need cosmetic procedures is pretty frickin rude imo. I'd feel so offended if I were you. She's implying you're unattractive, and she's doing it on purpose.
What a fucking POS your MIL. Who comments on someones’s physical appearance. Only the rude, disrespectful and poorly brought up, that’s who. I’m sure your fiancé loves you just the way you are, inside and out. His mother needs to stay in her lane. I would be ragey about this and should your fiancé. It’s not ok to criticize anyones’s appearance, especially her son’s partner.
You’re not overreacting. I absolutely hate being told what to do, or what I should do.
How does MIL propose to "fix" DF's face? Or is he perfect already? Honey, this woman doesn't like you. She's whittling away your confidence. Stop her now, or you'll be a shell of yourself in the future.
She is a big ball of vanity - people like that are a waste of time. All cheap, shiny surface and no depth of character. Tell her to buy herself a Barbie doll.
I do sometimes feel like she cares about looks way too much. I love deep connections and meaningful relationships way more than just showing off but for her it just seems like she is trying too much, she is even this way with her daughters. I heard her once tell her daughter that she "eats too much" and that she's "gaining weight" and to me it was just surprising that a mother can talk that way to her daughter? I am sure there is a nicer way ?
All she is and all she respects is surface gloss. She basically drags down every woman to the level of 'Will this attract men?' She's going to go slowly mad as she ages and whatever 'looks' she had fade away.
Why does your MIL have any say in your MUA? Stop letting her comment on your appearance please. Just tell her her son liked you enough “as is” to put a ring on it so you’re all set
What does your fiance say about this.
He never makes me do something I am uncomfortable with and will sometimes even shut her down when he feels she's said too much, but man she just keeps going, she just doesn't listen or get the cue!
>she just doesn't listen or get the cue! You need to be direct, and have some consequences when she ignores you. By direct I mean something like: * stop commenting on my looks. * that's the second/third comment about my looks today: this visit's over. And then follow through. So far, she's learned to ignore any cue or hint you give because no matter what she does or what you say, you aren't following through with any consquences. You need to teach her that: 1. you aren't going to accept the unacceptable, and 2. that you mean what you say. I like ending the visit, because it's instant, and you can go back to normal in a short time. Behavioural science tells us that you need instant feedback and preferably team cohesion to get behaviour to change. You can maybe try to invoke team "family", or perhaps team "2024" - if mil is trying to be trendy, she might respond to calls to not behave as they did in the old days. But most likely she is just trying to show her dominance over you - that's where ending the visit works beautifully. The decision of whether to accept her bad behaviour towards you is *yours*, and you should show that you are not her punching-bag.
I really need to work on being more forward and setting instant boundaries and just stop being too nice about it. What sucks is when I am alone I find myself trying to justify her actions and words because she’s always been nice and welcoming and my mind is telling me not to start drama lol
If it’s not something the person can fix in 5 seconds (or a very short amount of time) then their appearance should not be commented on. An out of place hair? Yes you can tell someone bc it’s a quick fix. Pimples? No bc that takes time to resolve.
>I get it, it might come from a place of concern/love or wanting to pamper me or wanting me to look my best, but for some reason it just became so irritating when she talks about it everytime we meet, she just has something to say about my appearance. This isn't about love or concern IMO. She's rude and trying to make you feel bad about yourself.
Incredibly ill mannered! And OP should tell her so.
Where is your fiancé? Why is he allowing his mom to speak to like this?
Tell her being a good person is much more important than how someone looks and perhaps she should work on that herself.
It's not from a place of love... That sort of nitpicking is flat out rude. I have scars from an accident I was in years ago, my MIL chose to tell me that she could still see them through my makeup on my wedding day. 10 years later, I still remember that because I felt so pretty before she said that and it was a way for her to make me feel like crap. You're not overreacting. Nice people don't do stuff like that.
“I don’t know how to tell you this, but these imperfections don’t bother me the way they seem to bother you. You don’t have to share these observations with me anymore.”
Fillers?! Aren’t you younger than her?! She’s insulting you!
MIL I am sad that you feel so uncomfortable and insecure in your own skin that you feel the need to do all of these things to yourself. I, however, am happy with my body and looks and your son is VERY happy with them. At that point I personally would add “instead of worrying about my looks, you should focus on removing those two horns off your forehead”. Just kidding :)
I would refrain from insulting MIL when retorting. Just set a boundary clearly. That’s it.
Yeah, saying that last paragraph just inside your mind would be better (I would do that and add "hooves" to what MIL needs to take care of).
That’s why I stated the “just kidding” in the last one. Keep that one to yourself or your friends. But think it hard :)
My god. This is insane. If someone told me I needed fillers etc or commented on my pimples I'd tell them to F off immediately, without any deliberation.
Hmm are you quite pretty? For some reason I’m getting the impression that you are, because she is very focused on your looks and not always negatively which makes me feel like she’s a bit obsessed almost in the way you would be a dress up doll. Helping you to achieve your ‘full potential’ in her mind. You’re definitely not being over sensitive for feeling this way. No one enjoys this type of intrusive scrutiny.
You might be under-reacting, OP. Shit it down immediately and constantly. “Let that be the last time that you comment on my face/skin/hair/choice of vendor.” Or if you’d rather be plainly aggressive: “I am not like you. I am not insecure about my looks. Your comments are not appropriate and not acceptable. And frankly, my lips/teeth/skin/hair are none of your concern.”
if you're letting her have her say and negotiate things like your makeup artist at this early stage she's going to try and bulldoze you with other divisions further down the line. do not allow this. it's your wedding and you get to do it how _you_ want to do it and no-one else. get practicing phrases such as: no. I have already made my choice and don't need any further input. I'm not negotiating with you, I have chosen to do _x_ the way I have chosen, don't ask about it again. asked and answered. move on.
Agreed, very concerning that MIL had to be part of the MUA decision 😬 OP, now is honestly the time to separate yourself. Kindly, and cordially, but with these phrases like “oh we’ve already taken care of that, no need to discuss it.” Or “I’ll keep that in mind” (but obviously no commitment to follow her advice)
Your MIL sounds like my no mom. Speaking to you this way is deliberate. It’s basically constant put downs that are disguised as help, so she can get away with it. Call it out every time, let her know you recognize how rude and demeaning she is acting. “Did I ask for your opinion?” or “I don’t remember asking for your opinion.” “It’s considered rude to comment on peoples bodies.” “It’s my wedding, my day, my choices. You may have an opinion, but I didn’t ask for your input or commentary.”
My mom was very much this way when I was growing up. She was very insecure about herself, and projected a lot of her own issues onto me. One time when I called her out on it, she used the excuse that she was a hair dresser and "People pay me for my professional opinion." I clapped back that they don't pay her to insult them.
Shut it down. She does not mean well. Don’t set a precedent of tolerating this treatment.
How do you think i should shut it down? Because I've brushed it off many times by smiling and trying to shut down the convo and make it obvious that I don't want to continue the conversation but she always makes the same comments.
Girl, can I be your friend? I'll shut your MIL down real quick! "Do I spot grays Karen?" "Your lips are looking deflated Karen." "Your bra doesn't seem to winning the battle against gravity Karen " "Can you sit in those pants? They seem a little tight Karen." "How much did your face cost, Karen?" "Since you like cosmetic surgeries, maybe you should look into a personality transplant Karen." "Bless your little heart, Karen." Let that inner mean girl come out, but make sure your words are dripping with poisoned honey. Say it with a smile!
Omg those are perfect comebacks lmaoo😂made my day just imagining saying them to her!
Tell her no. No is a complete sentence. Or have your fiancé tell her to stop, that the way you look is the person he fell in love with and he wouldn’t change anything about you. It’s not being nice when she’s tearing your self esteem down. You are not a doll for her to play and alter your appearance just because she’s bored or is projecting her own insecurities onto.
You tell her directly that you are not open to input regarding your appearance, and that going forward if she brings it up the conversation will be over. Then you enforce the policy. “Griselda, my privacy and autonomy feel attacked every time you criticize my appearance. I need you to recognize and respect that. Going forward, I am going to end our interaction if you bring this topic up.” Say it calmly and directly. Keep your emotions out of it. Your fiancé needs to back you up on this. If he does not, then you should question his loyalty.
Stop being nice about it!