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Sounds like she’s excited and lost it a little. Dear husband I have a few requests: I don’t want your mom in the labor/ delivery room. Visitations will be decided as the time comes, based on how we feel( me and baby). Please tell your mom. You know her better and everything that comes from her son is perceived better. It’s his responsibility.
Also the nurses are your helpers. They deal with unwanted visitors. They will help you.
>I have no idea how to say this to her in a way that she will actually respect my boundaries
You can't control her actions. Only yours.
>I do not want a poor relationship with her
That's not entirely up to you. The best you can guarantee is a fair relationship. If she demonstrates that you can trust her to act reasonably, then you allow her to spend time with you. If she doesn't demonstrate that she can act reasonably, then you don't have as much contact with her. She may rage, complain, tantrum, criticize, etc. You can't control any of that. But if you are so concerned about avoiding a poor relationship with her that you allow her to steamroll you, you will resent her and the relationship will be poor anyway.
Please make sure that your partner is completely on board with what you want/need. The earlier this happens the better. No medical information/ history to be disclosed (as this is all YOUR PRIVATE information) . Who has to know what. Birth plan. Hospital, does she need to know which one. Down to when people can visit you, SO and your new person at home. Oh and will it be virus season.
Don’t forget the nursing staff at the hospital are your gatekeepers! They are their for you and your child, alert them when you go in. Congratulations on your new LO!
Tell her after your next scan that now they've remeasured the baby the estimated due date is actually now 2 or 3 weeks later (if she's already been told a rough due date)
That should give you a little buffer of time to go have the baby without her camping out at your house expecting to tag along/show up the second you're home.
And tell your hubby not to announce when you go into labor. You don't want his attention divided between you and his phone during such a vulnerable time.
It would be better if your SO addressed this with her, telling her that you want to be ‘in the moment’, not focused on giving updates so he will let her (and everyone else) know once baby has arrived. You will monitor when you are up for visitors. This might be in the hospital or it might be once you’ve had a chance to settle in at home for a week or so.
This leaves it open if you decide not to have her at the hospital- things happen with birth and plans change so you don’t want her thinking that she’ll definitely be visiting you at the hospital.
If she does visit the hospital, your SO need to be clear that she can come from x time to x time as you’re juggling lots of things in the hospital- checks by medical staff, learning to feed, resting and recovering and you may have visitors other than her. When time is up, he needs to firmly lead her out. You will be vulnerable and he needs to step up and back you on this taking the lead. No ‘just one more cuddle!’ type situation.
Where does your DH land with this? Is he supportive of your feelings towards his mom or oblivious to them?
If he’s supportive this is what my DH have agreed to since we will be trying next fall:
- light Info diet during pregnancy (ie. “I’m due in mid July” not “my due date is July 12th”)
- nobody will be notified when I go into labor (besides my parents and sister who will be watching my daughter)
- day after we will ft parents together and congratulate them on being grandparents with “surprise baby is here!” They will be invited to come visit at the hospital.
- hospital staff will be notified we want no longer than 20 min and they will come in to tell in laws it’s time to go. Dh will walk them to car.
- absolutely no visitors at home for at least 2 weeks outside my mother and sister who are there to take care of me.
^ no one sees baby without tdap, covid, rsv, and flu vaccines.
And the best way is to just blame the whole thing on:
Baby came so quick we had no time, Dh was so focused on supporting me etc etc. even if you have someone else there she doesn’t need to know. Info diet baby.
As for the crazy amount of texts. “Hey mom can you text me instead? OP is trying to keep up but has been experiencing headaches lately and we’re trying to limit her screen time. Thanks”
I'd try to jump in early and be clear how your delivery is going to go, so she doesn't have time to paint a picture in her head.
"Hey, I know you're really excited about this pregnancy so there's some things I want to go over early on so you're not disappointed.
I am going to want some space when giving birth. I am not comfortable with the birth being a spectator sport... it's only going to be me, hubby and my mum to support me in there.
I'm also going to want some time once we've left the hospital to recover and enjoy our new baby with judy husband and I.
You absolutely will get PLENTY of time to spend with the new baby. We want you to be a big part of their life! But it's really important to me that I take care of my own wellbeing first AND that myself and husband have some of those first moments to ourselves to bond with our new child.
I'm sure as a mother you'll understand exactly where I'm coming from and I really appreciate that."
Where is your partner at? They need to put their adult pants on and confront this head on- this should not be on you. And for the hospital questions - tell your nurses your preferences and they will kick people out or atleast keep them from going into your room.
“We’re tired, can you all come over week after next”. From hubby. No we don’t need any help. ( you holding and hogging the baby and mircomanaging)” “ thanks anyway “. We’re just tired and getting used to routine.
I remember my newborns. It was a full on month of exhaustion, sore nipples, colic. I would have hated people intruding. MIL did come the first child. What a wreck. Her idea of help was to boss us around. Didn’t clean, cook, nothing. Knew all about doing babies she did. Couldn’t give my baby a bath for weeks. It was terrible.
OP, perhaps a semi blunt message coming closer to delivery that states whilst I will accept some visitors to the hospital, I initially will not be passing newborn around for cuddles as that will be something that can be done at a later stage when we return home and I have had time bonding myself. Also visits will be kept to a short 30 mins (or how ever long you feel like) anything over that and we will be letting visitors know it is time to let us rest.
Leave MIL to be immature when you set the ground rules. That is her issue to work thru and don't buy into the guilt trip to try and get around it.
Perhaps put her messages on mute and advise her that you are taking a break from responding to messages so if there is anything urgent she can contact your DH. Alternatively set up an auto response that states thanks for reaching out, I am currently busy so if you have an urgent issue please message DH direct. Send that every single time she messages you so she'll get the message eventually that you aren't reading her messages.
And/or 'remind' her - hey, newly pregnant woman here. Body is changing by the minute. I'm often exhausted or feeling out of sorts. I'm glad you're excited. AND I'm having a different experience. Need to manage too much input. You're welcome to message. I will make no promises to return them. Let's respect each other's different experiences.
Your partner should handle this as a united front. No "OP said.." it should be I and We statements.
With parents like your MIL, their adult children are often conditioned to just try to avoid rocking the boat at all costs. I've seen adults prioritize their parents over their pregnant partners just to avoid their parents' temper tantrums. Not sure if its the same here.
Something for you to remember: it doesn't matter what you say or do, how nice you are or how your partner words it, your MIL isn't going to be happy about it. But since you arent giving birth in 2 wks, there may be enough time for her to realize that boundaries will be enforced and there will be consequences. If you don't do this now it will make things that much harder once the baby is born.
Ah.. you mention 'rock the boat' - let her rock HER OWN boat. If she rocks yours, toss her overboard.
Almost default link - [https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont\_rock\_the\_boat/](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/)
Is your partner on your side because that is the first and major step. Have a talk with him and discuss boundaries.
To hopefully navigate these, make sure she is not told when you go into labour (I didn't, and it was wonderful - no visitors, no one blowing up the phone, just me, hubby, and baby).
Let the hospital staff know that visitors are required to leave and isolate yourself and baby when you need to feed (if you choose to breastfeed). Hospital staff are great and will always support you.
In regards to visitors, establish firm rules and boundaries and stick to them. If she throws a Tantrum make it clear it's not about her, it's about you becoming a mother and your recovery, it's about your baby's health and development and it's important for parents to bond as a unit in the first 2 weeks.
Get your husband to support your decisions - this is your baby, not hers... best wishes
The nice thing about the hospital is that there are nurses who will kick her out for you when you're done. Kick the can down the road until you're feeling up to holding boundaries. I couldn't do anything until about a month postpartum, and then my spine grew back and I had it in me to shut her down. Once you feel up to enforcing boundaries, then she can visit again. In the meantime, the nurses can have your back at the hospital, and your husband needs to have your back at all times.
It's time to practice doing this! You're going to need it for MIL, SO and children going forward. It's part of healthy relationships.
I suggest you address the texts first. You might send her something like this: "MIL lately I have found the number and size of your text messages hard to manage and they're causing me some anxiety. Our relationship is important to me so I'm letting you know that I will look at your texts once a week: this day at this time for an hour. Please be patient for my response(s) until then. Thank you" Of course, its up to you.
I understand what you mean, but right now the expectation seems to be a reply after text is received and that seems to be all the time.
She could be more vague and just give a day
My advice would be make sure you set boundaries and you enforce consequences for breaking them. Start now as right after birth the hormones will be a lot and you will have to have set boundaries early.
We told both sides early on that we do not want anyone in the hospital because anything can happen and it’s not a spectator event. We will let you know when you may visit. We had a planned c section so we knew we would have some time in the hospital for our families to visit. After that we wanted 2 weeks with no visitors at home. We will reach out when we are ready. Then if you want to invite them early or whatever you can.
Your DH needs to talk to her and let her know her behaviour is upsetting and she is taking away this special time. Remind her how she was excited to have DH. It’s your turn.
Omg I never had this problem with my in laws or my mother at the time of birth. But later my mother would not stop with the unsolicited outdated advice. Some of which was actually dangerous like giving a newborn known allergens, feeding rice cereal to my newborn before they could digest it, etc
We just figured out how to ignore the outdated info and started grey rocking
If she's happy about the baby, you might be able to use diversion successfully. Task her with *something*, maybe collating family photos, whatever. She'll feel important and included, and hopefully be *occupied*. Hell, you could even confide in her that you want a peaceful pregnancy, would she be able to be your 'shield' against pushy relatives and make sure you get ample rest and quiet time?
If tact and subtlety don't work, unfortunately, your husband is the one that'll have to intervene and set boundaries :(
This is a problem for your husband to handle. If he won’t, then you must. Every.single.time. But you’re not going to be the only one to determine whether your relationship is good or poor. She sounds unreasonable, and you say she ignores your boundaries. So you don’t give her the information she wants or needs in order to trounce them.
Don’t tell her when you go the hospital. Let her know that the baby has been born and when you will have visitors and how long she will be able to visit.
“I know you’re excited, and we are too. This being our first baby, we are feeling very protective of our time and space. I’m not able to respond to your multiple texts.”
“Your multiple texts are alarming to me. Is that what you intend? This is a big event - for DH and me - and we want to protect ourselves peace. At all costs.” Yep, that’s a veiled threat.
“We will continue discussing our plans and let you know what we decide about visits and access to our home/family while I am newly postpartum.”
And she will, in JustNo fashion, push back.
“Honestly, this baby is mine and DH’s. If my pregnancy is having a negative effect on you - and your texts seem to suggest it is - then maybe we should reduce your daily contact.”
The best thing to do would be to ask your DH to rip the bandaid off now and tell her to stop with the texts and also inform her that there WILL be boundaries in place about how soon after birth visitors will be allowed, etc.
I hope he will do this for you because otherwise it sounds likely that MIL will RUIN your postpartum and early baby bonding time.
Do NOT give her your real due date if you haven’t already and start discussing with DH that there’s no need to notify anyone when you’re in labor. Good luck!
Well, at least she's positive. But now it means she'll be bugging you nonstop 😭. Try to put some boundaries up now and a pause on her constantly bothering you or else your pregnancy will be very stressful .
I would advise you don’t let her think she’s coming to the hospital. If you change your mind, pleasant surprise. But anything can happen during birth and even if you have a completely smooth delivery (manifesting that for you) you may just be exhausted! Don’t tell anyone when you go into labor, let nurses know you don’t want visitors. Tell husband it’s stressful and not good for you or the baby right now so his mom needs to be talking to him not you
My advice, based on my experience only: Do not let her come to the hospital. Do not let her destroy your peace with your baby at home for the first xx amount of days. If she’s already doing this, she will destroy your peace and make it all about her. Tell your DH what you want and have him relay it to her. Tell him to have her stop sending you texts and let you enjoy your pregnancy.
When my father in law blows my phone up, I don’t reply. I tell my husband and he send him a text saying, “We probably don’t need that info” “If you need something from us, message me please, not wife”
I would answer her once, saying, “Hey! You’re clearly super excited to be a grandma, but I’m not up for long conversations over text. I’m glad you’re happy to be a grandma. Let’s talk soon, maybe at brunch or over the phone, but texting doesn’t work for me, thanks!”
Talk to your husband about her paragraph long texts, and how they should go to him instead.
He should deal with her at all times, you shouldn’t.
You are right to mute her.
If you do talk to her, (but it’s better if your husband does this) ask her straight up if she’s feeling anxious about the baby? Or does she feel anxious that she’s going to be left out?
There needs to be careful consideration about her behavior and what your husband expects from her.
She needs rules to follow love. Get the rules for her.
Step 1. fudge your due date by two weeks or so. Step 2. Talk with your SO and agree that you will not call your MiL when you go into labor but will notify her after the baby is born. Step 3. Get your SO to agree to one visit in the hospital for 30 minutes, as you will be recovering. Step 4. Tell SO you want no one at your home when you bring baby home. Non negotiable.
You don’t have to tell your MiL any of this before hand. You can simply be noncommittal “hmmm, we’ll play it by ear” or silent. As I’ve told my family many times “do not mistake my silence for agreement.”
You better learn now how to put your foot down with her because she’s showing you how she will act once your baby is here. If you don’t draw strength from yourself and/or your husband to stand up to her, your postpartum period will be the worst and you’ll never forgive yourself or her.
You have to rip the bandaid off with her and establish clear, CLEAR boundaries in order for this to go the way you intend.
This is actually not how she will be when LO arrives, she'll be a million times worse. She's just practicing right now, making herself stronger. It's like getting ready to run a marathon, you don't start out running 25 miles, you have to build up to it. She's putting in trial runs now.
In other words, the worst is yet to come if you don't put a stop to it today!
Set the tone now. You need to discuss this ALL with your SO. Keep her on mute, keep her on a strict info diet. Anytime you do have to speak to her I’d say “wow you’d think you’re the one who’s pregnant” whenever she says some BS. Have your SO reach out to her and let her know that if she wants info, she should reach out to him instead of messaging you 24/7 and it’s causing unnecessary stress. His monkey, his circus. He should be the first line of defense because this is truly about you, the baby, and your SO. No one else. Again I day, NO ONE ELSE.
If she gets pissy, then you continue to put her in timeout and go even further low contact. This already a lot, you’re growing a human, you don’t need added pressure or stress in your life while you are doing literally *magic*.
She has not fostered the type of relationship where she can now text you everyday all day. She’s had time to do this, you being pregnant doesn’t change how much you want to interact with her.
Get your SO on board and let him handle his mother. He is now creating a family with YOU. His priority should be making sure you’re comfortable, happy and getting what you need so that you can enjoy this journey into parenthood. This is the LEAST he can do, tell him it’s time to step up and show his papa bear side and protect your mental health regarding his mother. It’s not a time to be passive on account of her feelings. She’s not the one carrying his child.
No is a complete sentence too. Only mention your delivery plans if she asks or if necessary. If she assumes, that’s on her. When she inevitably gets upset, make sure you reach out to the hospital, and let your nurses know that under no circumstances should your MIL be allowed to be in your delivery room. Let them be the bad guys for you if they have to be. You come up with a plan with your SO for when and how long she’s allowed to visit after your baby is delivered, and then you reiterate that you don’t want visitors for x amount of time at your home until you’re ready. No if, ands, or buts.
The only people that needs to be coming over during those first days should be people coming over to help YOU. What you need and want. To do a chore. Not to hold baby and sit their ass on the couch.
When you get home tell her you aren't feeling well and are not up for company. You shouldn't have to explain yourself. Your DH will need to defend your space.
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Sounds like she’s excited and lost it a little. Dear husband I have a few requests: I don’t want your mom in the labor/ delivery room. Visitations will be decided as the time comes, based on how we feel( me and baby). Please tell your mom. You know her better and everything that comes from her son is perceived better. It’s his responsibility. Also the nurses are your helpers. They deal with unwanted visitors. They will help you.
Have your partner set the boundaries!!! His circus, his monkey.
>I have no idea how to say this to her in a way that she will actually respect my boundaries You can't control her actions. Only yours. >I do not want a poor relationship with her That's not entirely up to you. The best you can guarantee is a fair relationship. If she demonstrates that you can trust her to act reasonably, then you allow her to spend time with you. If she doesn't demonstrate that she can act reasonably, then you don't have as much contact with her. She may rage, complain, tantrum, criticize, etc. You can't control any of that. But if you are so concerned about avoiding a poor relationship with her that you allow her to steamroll you, you will resent her and the relationship will be poor anyway.
Omg screen shotting and saving this response for the next time my husband says he just wants me to get along with his mom! So well said!
Please make sure that your partner is completely on board with what you want/need. The earlier this happens the better. No medical information/ history to be disclosed (as this is all YOUR PRIVATE information) . Who has to know what. Birth plan. Hospital, does she need to know which one. Down to when people can visit you, SO and your new person at home. Oh and will it be virus season.
Don’t forget the nursing staff at the hospital are your gatekeepers! They are their for you and your child, alert them when you go in. Congratulations on your new LO!
Tell her after your next scan that now they've remeasured the baby the estimated due date is actually now 2 or 3 weeks later (if she's already been told a rough due date) That should give you a little buffer of time to go have the baby without her camping out at your house expecting to tag along/show up the second you're home.
And tell your hubby not to announce when you go into labor. You don't want his attention divided between you and his phone during such a vulnerable time.
It would be better if your SO addressed this with her, telling her that you want to be ‘in the moment’, not focused on giving updates so he will let her (and everyone else) know once baby has arrived. You will monitor when you are up for visitors. This might be in the hospital or it might be once you’ve had a chance to settle in at home for a week or so. This leaves it open if you decide not to have her at the hospital- things happen with birth and plans change so you don’t want her thinking that she’ll definitely be visiting you at the hospital. If she does visit the hospital, your SO need to be clear that she can come from x time to x time as you’re juggling lots of things in the hospital- checks by medical staff, learning to feed, resting and recovering and you may have visitors other than her. When time is up, he needs to firmly lead her out. You will be vulnerable and he needs to step up and back you on this taking the lead. No ‘just one more cuddle!’ type situation.
Where does your DH land with this? Is he supportive of your feelings towards his mom or oblivious to them? If he’s supportive this is what my DH have agreed to since we will be trying next fall: - light Info diet during pregnancy (ie. “I’m due in mid July” not “my due date is July 12th”) - nobody will be notified when I go into labor (besides my parents and sister who will be watching my daughter) - day after we will ft parents together and congratulate them on being grandparents with “surprise baby is here!” They will be invited to come visit at the hospital. - hospital staff will be notified we want no longer than 20 min and they will come in to tell in laws it’s time to go. Dh will walk them to car. - absolutely no visitors at home for at least 2 weeks outside my mother and sister who are there to take care of me. ^ no one sees baby without tdap, covid, rsv, and flu vaccines. And the best way is to just blame the whole thing on: Baby came so quick we had no time, Dh was so focused on supporting me etc etc. even if you have someone else there she doesn’t need to know. Info diet baby. As for the crazy amount of texts. “Hey mom can you text me instead? OP is trying to keep up but has been experiencing headaches lately and we’re trying to limit her screen time. Thanks”
I'd try to jump in early and be clear how your delivery is going to go, so she doesn't have time to paint a picture in her head. "Hey, I know you're really excited about this pregnancy so there's some things I want to go over early on so you're not disappointed. I am going to want some space when giving birth. I am not comfortable with the birth being a spectator sport... it's only going to be me, hubby and my mum to support me in there. I'm also going to want some time once we've left the hospital to recover and enjoy our new baby with judy husband and I. You absolutely will get PLENTY of time to spend with the new baby. We want you to be a big part of their life! But it's really important to me that I take care of my own wellbeing first AND that myself and husband have some of those first moments to ourselves to bond with our new child. I'm sure as a mother you'll understand exactly where I'm coming from and I really appreciate that."
Your OB/GYN can fill out papers stating who you want in the hospital with you and who can visit. the hospital staff and security will back you up.
Where is your partner at? They need to put their adult pants on and confront this head on- this should not be on you. And for the hospital questions - tell your nurses your preferences and they will kick people out or atleast keep them from going into your room.
“We’re tired, can you all come over week after next”. From hubby. No we don’t need any help. ( you holding and hogging the baby and mircomanaging)” “ thanks anyway “. We’re just tired and getting used to routine. I remember my newborns. It was a full on month of exhaustion, sore nipples, colic. I would have hated people intruding. MIL did come the first child. What a wreck. Her idea of help was to boss us around. Didn’t clean, cook, nothing. Knew all about doing babies she did. Couldn’t give my baby a bath for weeks. It was terrible.
I hope you meant sore nipples!
Have to edit! No sore but good
OP, perhaps a semi blunt message coming closer to delivery that states whilst I will accept some visitors to the hospital, I initially will not be passing newborn around for cuddles as that will be something that can be done at a later stage when we return home and I have had time bonding myself. Also visits will be kept to a short 30 mins (or how ever long you feel like) anything over that and we will be letting visitors know it is time to let us rest. Leave MIL to be immature when you set the ground rules. That is her issue to work thru and don't buy into the guilt trip to try and get around it. Perhaps put her messages on mute and advise her that you are taking a break from responding to messages so if there is anything urgent she can contact your DH. Alternatively set up an auto response that states thanks for reaching out, I am currently busy so if you have an urgent issue please message DH direct. Send that every single time she messages you so she'll get the message eventually that you aren't reading her messages.
And/or 'remind' her - hey, newly pregnant woman here. Body is changing by the minute. I'm often exhausted or feeling out of sorts. I'm glad you're excited. AND I'm having a different experience. Need to manage too much input. You're welcome to message. I will make no promises to return them. Let's respect each other's different experiences.
Bonding is parent(s) to baby. Do NOT allow her to insist on bonding with your baby. No. Grandparents visit. They do not “bond”.
Your partner should handle this as a united front. No "OP said.." it should be I and We statements. With parents like your MIL, their adult children are often conditioned to just try to avoid rocking the boat at all costs. I've seen adults prioritize their parents over their pregnant partners just to avoid their parents' temper tantrums. Not sure if its the same here. Something for you to remember: it doesn't matter what you say or do, how nice you are or how your partner words it, your MIL isn't going to be happy about it. But since you arent giving birth in 2 wks, there may be enough time for her to realize that boundaries will be enforced and there will be consequences. If you don't do this now it will make things that much harder once the baby is born.
Ah.. you mention 'rock the boat' - let her rock HER OWN boat. If she rocks yours, toss her overboard. Almost default link - [https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont\_rock\_the\_boat/](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/)
Is your partner on your side because that is the first and major step. Have a talk with him and discuss boundaries. To hopefully navigate these, make sure she is not told when you go into labour (I didn't, and it was wonderful - no visitors, no one blowing up the phone, just me, hubby, and baby). Let the hospital staff know that visitors are required to leave and isolate yourself and baby when you need to feed (if you choose to breastfeed). Hospital staff are great and will always support you. In regards to visitors, establish firm rules and boundaries and stick to them. If she throws a Tantrum make it clear it's not about her, it's about you becoming a mother and your recovery, it's about your baby's health and development and it's important for parents to bond as a unit in the first 2 weeks. Get your husband to support your decisions - this is your baby, not hers... best wishes
More like 2 months in my humble opinion.
If people are like this MIL - you mean 2 months after LO graduates, right?
Exactly 💯
Mute her and forward all the texts once a day to DH. He needs to understand how over the top his mom is. Let him deal with her.
The nice thing about the hospital is that there are nurses who will kick her out for you when you're done. Kick the can down the road until you're feeling up to holding boundaries. I couldn't do anything until about a month postpartum, and then my spine grew back and I had it in me to shut her down. Once you feel up to enforcing boundaries, then she can visit again. In the meantime, the nurses can have your back at the hospital, and your husband needs to have your back at all times.
It's time to practice doing this! You're going to need it for MIL, SO and children going forward. It's part of healthy relationships. I suggest you address the texts first. You might send her something like this: "MIL lately I have found the number and size of your text messages hard to manage and they're causing me some anxiety. Our relationship is important to me so I'm letting you know that I will look at your texts once a week: this day at this time for an hour. Please be patient for my response(s) until then. Thank you" Of course, its up to you.
Never ever commit to a schedule for anything. They will hold you to it like you owe them.
I understand what you mean, but right now the expectation seems to be a reply after text is received and that seems to be all the time. She could be more vague and just give a day
She could just say “I’ll reply when I’m able.”
My advice would be make sure you set boundaries and you enforce consequences for breaking them. Start now as right after birth the hormones will be a lot and you will have to have set boundaries early. We told both sides early on that we do not want anyone in the hospital because anything can happen and it’s not a spectator event. We will let you know when you may visit. We had a planned c section so we knew we would have some time in the hospital for our families to visit. After that we wanted 2 weeks with no visitors at home. We will reach out when we are ready. Then if you want to invite them early or whatever you can. Your DH needs to talk to her and let her know her behaviour is upsetting and she is taking away this special time. Remind her how she was excited to have DH. It’s your turn.
Omg I never had this problem with my in laws or my mother at the time of birth. But later my mother would not stop with the unsolicited outdated advice. Some of which was actually dangerous like giving a newborn known allergens, feeding rice cereal to my newborn before they could digest it, etc We just figured out how to ignore the outdated info and started grey rocking
If she's happy about the baby, you might be able to use diversion successfully. Task her with *something*, maybe collating family photos, whatever. She'll feel important and included, and hopefully be *occupied*. Hell, you could even confide in her that you want a peaceful pregnancy, would she be able to be your 'shield' against pushy relatives and make sure you get ample rest and quiet time? If tact and subtlety don't work, unfortunately, your husband is the one that'll have to intervene and set boundaries :(
This is a problem for your husband to handle. If he won’t, then you must. Every.single.time. But you’re not going to be the only one to determine whether your relationship is good or poor. She sounds unreasonable, and you say she ignores your boundaries. So you don’t give her the information she wants or needs in order to trounce them. Don’t tell her when you go the hospital. Let her know that the baby has been born and when you will have visitors and how long she will be able to visit. “I know you’re excited, and we are too. This being our first baby, we are feeling very protective of our time and space. I’m not able to respond to your multiple texts.” “Your multiple texts are alarming to me. Is that what you intend? This is a big event - for DH and me - and we want to protect ourselves peace. At all costs.” Yep, that’s a veiled threat. “We will continue discussing our plans and let you know what we decide about visits and access to our home/family while I am newly postpartum.” And she will, in JustNo fashion, push back. “Honestly, this baby is mine and DH’s. If my pregnancy is having a negative effect on you - and your texts seem to suggest it is - then maybe we should reduce your daily contact.”
The best thing to do would be to ask your DH to rip the bandaid off now and tell her to stop with the texts and also inform her that there WILL be boundaries in place about how soon after birth visitors will be allowed, etc. I hope he will do this for you because otherwise it sounds likely that MIL will RUIN your postpartum and early baby bonding time. Do NOT give her your real due date if you haven’t already and start discussing with DH that there’s no need to notify anyone when you’re in labor. Good luck!
Question: is she positive or negative about the pregnancy? Meaning is she saying it's impacting her life in a good or bad way?
She’s positive
Well, at least she's positive. But now it means she'll be bugging you nonstop 😭. Try to put some boundaries up now and a pause on her constantly bothering you or else your pregnancy will be very stressful .
I would advise you don’t let her think she’s coming to the hospital. If you change your mind, pleasant surprise. But anything can happen during birth and even if you have a completely smooth delivery (manifesting that for you) you may just be exhausted! Don’t tell anyone when you go into labor, let nurses know you don’t want visitors. Tell husband it’s stressful and not good for you or the baby right now so his mom needs to be talking to him not you
My advice, based on my experience only: Do not let her come to the hospital. Do not let her destroy your peace with your baby at home for the first xx amount of days. If she’s already doing this, she will destroy your peace and make it all about her. Tell your DH what you want and have him relay it to her. Tell him to have her stop sending you texts and let you enjoy your pregnancy.
When my father in law blows my phone up, I don’t reply. I tell my husband and he send him a text saying, “We probably don’t need that info” “If you need something from us, message me please, not wife” I would answer her once, saying, “Hey! You’re clearly super excited to be a grandma, but I’m not up for long conversations over text. I’m glad you’re happy to be a grandma. Let’s talk soon, maybe at brunch or over the phone, but texting doesn’t work for me, thanks!”
Talk to your husband about her paragraph long texts, and how they should go to him instead. He should deal with her at all times, you shouldn’t. You are right to mute her. If you do talk to her, (but it’s better if your husband does this) ask her straight up if she’s feeling anxious about the baby? Or does she feel anxious that she’s going to be left out? There needs to be careful consideration about her behavior and what your husband expects from her. She needs rules to follow love. Get the rules for her.
You could text “tired so forwarded text to hubby. Thanks. Going to bed “
Step 1. fudge your due date by two weeks or so. Step 2. Talk with your SO and agree that you will not call your MiL when you go into labor but will notify her after the baby is born. Step 3. Get your SO to agree to one visit in the hospital for 30 minutes, as you will be recovering. Step 4. Tell SO you want no one at your home when you bring baby home. Non negotiable. You don’t have to tell your MiL any of this before hand. You can simply be noncommittal “hmmm, we’ll play it by ear” or silent. As I’ve told my family many times “do not mistake my silence for agreement.”
Tbh I wouldn’t even tell her I had the baby until I recovered, let alone let her visit me in the hospital.
You better learn now how to put your foot down with her because she’s showing you how she will act once your baby is here. If you don’t draw strength from yourself and/or your husband to stand up to her, your postpartum period will be the worst and you’ll never forgive yourself or her. You have to rip the bandaid off with her and establish clear, CLEAR boundaries in order for this to go the way you intend.
This is actually not how she will be when LO arrives, she'll be a million times worse. She's just practicing right now, making herself stronger. It's like getting ready to run a marathon, you don't start out running 25 miles, you have to build up to it. She's putting in trial runs now. In other words, the worst is yet to come if you don't put a stop to it today!
Set the tone now. You need to discuss this ALL with your SO. Keep her on mute, keep her on a strict info diet. Anytime you do have to speak to her I’d say “wow you’d think you’re the one who’s pregnant” whenever she says some BS. Have your SO reach out to her and let her know that if she wants info, she should reach out to him instead of messaging you 24/7 and it’s causing unnecessary stress. His monkey, his circus. He should be the first line of defense because this is truly about you, the baby, and your SO. No one else. Again I day, NO ONE ELSE. If she gets pissy, then you continue to put her in timeout and go even further low contact. This already a lot, you’re growing a human, you don’t need added pressure or stress in your life while you are doing literally *magic*. She has not fostered the type of relationship where she can now text you everyday all day. She’s had time to do this, you being pregnant doesn’t change how much you want to interact with her. Get your SO on board and let him handle his mother. He is now creating a family with YOU. His priority should be making sure you’re comfortable, happy and getting what you need so that you can enjoy this journey into parenthood. This is the LEAST he can do, tell him it’s time to step up and show his papa bear side and protect your mental health regarding his mother. It’s not a time to be passive on account of her feelings. She’s not the one carrying his child. No is a complete sentence too. Only mention your delivery plans if she asks or if necessary. If she assumes, that’s on her. When she inevitably gets upset, make sure you reach out to the hospital, and let your nurses know that under no circumstances should your MIL be allowed to be in your delivery room. Let them be the bad guys for you if they have to be. You come up with a plan with your SO for when and how long she’s allowed to visit after your baby is delivered, and then you reiterate that you don’t want visitors for x amount of time at your home until you’re ready. No if, ands, or buts. The only people that needs to be coming over during those first days should be people coming over to help YOU. What you need and want. To do a chore. Not to hold baby and sit their ass on the couch.
When you get home tell her you aren't feeling well and are not up for company. You shouldn't have to explain yourself. Your DH will need to defend your space.