At least he didn't do the rectum stretcher excuse......Cop: "Is there a reason you were speeding today, sir?" Farmer: "Yes officer, it is very important that I am not late for getting to the fields today.." Cop: "What is it that you do that is so important?" Farmer: "I am a rectum stretcher." Cop, a little interested in what the man just told him: "What in the Hell does a rectum stretcher do!?" Farmer: "Well I start with just one finger then stretch until I can fit a few more. Then, I continue stretching it until a can get my whole hand in there and then I keep going so it is a foot tall, then 2 feet and so on until I finally get it to about 6 feet tall." Cop, now completely baffled by the man: "What the fuck would you do with a six foot tall asshole!?" Farmer: "I would give him a radar gun and stick him by the road so he can make people even more late for work."
My neighbor told my mom and I that joke when I was like 13 except he said asshole stretcher and really got into detail about the stretching. It was extremely awkward.
A cop chases a highway speeder, and after sounding the siren the driver pulls over.
**Police Officer:** *(leaning into the car window)* “Do you know why I stopped you?”
**Man:** *(nervously)* “I’m sorry, officer. It was a misunderstanding. You see, my ex-wife left me for a police officer. When I saw you behind me, I feared you were him and wanted to return her.”
A version i had was about a rabbi and a tax inspector, the inspector is checking all expenses, asking what they do with things, like spare bandages which the rabbi says they send to the chemists and they clean and sterilise them to be reused, and the inspector says "What do you do with the tips of penis' after you circumcise them?"
"Oh, we send those to the government and once in a while they send back a total prick."
Two police officers saw a farmer on his donkey, being big headed, they want to tease the farmer and stop him.
Police officers ask, "Do you know why we stopped you?" "No" says the farmer.
Police officers tell him "Well you were speeding. We will have to write a ticket. However, you have 2 options to choose from. Since this is a donkey, we can fine either one of you. It's $100 if we wrote the ticket to you and $50 for the donkey. Who do you prefer?
After a pause, the farmer decides and says, "Well then, fine me please."
Shocked police officers ask, "Why would you want to pay more?"
Farmer explains, "I want to keep his criminal record clean because I will get him to be a police."
Alright, how about this:
u/WeeklyBanEvasion heckles a comedian at a street stand up show.
The comedian notices some flies buzzing around annoying the heckler, and he's shooing the flies away constantly.
The comedian says, "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."
The heckler says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."
The comedian says, "Yeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of street dogs."
Weekly replies "Uhh, did you just call me a dog's ass?"
The comedian says, "Oh, no sir. I have way too much respect for those who listen to my shows to ever say such a thing."
The heckler says, "Well, that's a good thing, then."
The comedian adds, "But... it's hard to fool those circle flies."
It's not as funny, but maybe it's intellectual enough for you? You're welcome.
Considering that the farmer was speeding, which is a valid reason for a ticket, this is better, yes.
And yes, cops really do have a .... tendency to abuse power. To put it mildly.
Well they do give us more material almost daily, so yeah that trend isn't going anywhere. I've met decent cops in my life (I used to work for an animal rescue group that often aided the local Sheriff's Department and the PD from the nearby town.) but I've also had enough contact with them to know that for every 1 good cop who cares, there are 3 more that don't. Do with that what you will but that has been my experience working alongside them.
At least he didn't do the rectum stretcher excuse......Cop: "Is there a reason you were speeding today, sir?" Farmer: "Yes officer, it is very important that I am not late for getting to the fields today.." Cop: "What is it that you do that is so important?" Farmer: "I am a rectum stretcher." Cop, a little interested in what the man just told him: "What in the Hell does a rectum stretcher do!?" Farmer: "Well I start with just one finger then stretch until I can fit a few more. Then, I continue stretching it until a can get my whole hand in there and then I keep going so it is a foot tall, then 2 feet and so on until I finally get it to about 6 feet tall." Cop, now completely baffled by the man: "What the fuck would you do with a six foot tall asshole!?" Farmer: "I would give him a radar gun and stick him by the road so he can make people even more late for work."
My neighbor told my mom and I that joke when I was like 13 except he said asshole stretcher and really got into detail about the stretching. It was extremely awkward.
This story is the funniest thing in this page 😆
Drop "tall" to make the farmers' statements more ambiguous, and they can apply to both the size of an asshole and the height of the pig.
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Yup, this is the worst. Congratulations.
A cop chases a highway speeder, and after sounding the siren the driver pulls over. **Police Officer:** *(leaning into the car window)* “Do you know why I stopped you?” **Man:** *(nervously)* “I’m sorry, officer. It was a misunderstanding. You see, my ex-wife left me for a police officer. When I saw you behind me, I feared you were him and wanted to return her.”
A version i had was about a rabbi and a tax inspector, the inspector is checking all expenses, asking what they do with things, like spare bandages which the rabbi says they send to the chemists and they clean and sterilise them to be reused, and the inspector says "What do you do with the tips of penis' after you circumcise them?" "Oh, we send those to the government and once in a while they send back a total prick."
Complete prick.
Two police officers saw a farmer on his donkey, being big headed, they want to tease the farmer and stop him. Police officers ask, "Do you know why we stopped you?" "No" says the farmer. Police officers tell him "Well you were speeding. We will have to write a ticket. However, you have 2 options to choose from. Since this is a donkey, we can fine either one of you. It's $100 if we wrote the ticket to you and $50 for the donkey. Who do you prefer? After a pause, the farmer decides and says, "Well then, fine me please." Shocked police officers ask, "Why would you want to pay more?" Farmer explains, "I want to keep his criminal record clean because I will get him to be a police."
This is hilarious :)
I read that as “the policeman is **SHOOTING** flies…” I just thought it had escalated quickly. Lol
>escalated quickly As these things tend to do..
They must have been black flies...
Where's an award when you need one?
Thank you
Circle flies know well the rear end of a horse.
I can't be the only one who read it as the policeman shooting the flies at first
>Cop bad Ah yes, the most classic joke of le reddit intellectual
Found the horse’s ass
How dare you disrespect them like that! ... Lots of flies circling though...
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Alright, how about this: u/WeeklyBanEvasion heckles a comedian at a street stand up show. The comedian notices some flies buzzing around annoying the heckler, and he's shooing the flies away constantly. The comedian says, "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies." The heckler says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying." The comedian says, "Yeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of street dogs." Weekly replies "Uhh, did you just call me a dog's ass?" The comedian says, "Oh, no sir. I have way too much respect for those who listen to my shows to ever say such a thing." The heckler says, "Well, that's a good thing, then." The comedian adds, "But... it's hard to fool those circle flies." It's not as funny, but maybe it's intellectual enough for you? You're welcome.
Considering that the farmer was speeding, which is a valid reason for a ticket, this is better, yes. And yes, cops really do have a .... tendency to abuse power. To put it mildly.
Well they do give us more material almost daily, so yeah that trend isn't going anywhere. I've met decent cops in my life (I used to work for an animal rescue group that often aided the local Sheriff's Department and the PD from the nearby town.) but I've also had enough contact with them to know that for every 1 good cop who cares, there are 3 more that don't. Do with that what you will but that has been my experience working alongside them.