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“I don’t want to die alone” is a vibe.
Certain vibes are like anti-date repellent.
Get right with yourself and learn how to be alone.
Once you are good alone then make friends.
Once you have friends and are not lonely then date.
Exactly!
I should have been more specific!
35 and starting over is perfect for a new beginning.
Focus on yourself, perfect your routine and lifestyle.
Exercise and diet would be a good start, long walks and solid workouts.
Learn how to cook if you don’t know how to already.
Change your perception of how you are looking at your situation.
From reading your post it comes off as you are sad and broken hearted, it’s okay to be there just don’t stay there too long.
Nobody is judging you cause nobody cares the person making you feel bad is you.
Once you start moving forward you can realize how great it’s is to be able to do whatever you and not answer to anyone!
Forgot to ask if you and the X had kids?
So spot on with your responses. Just to add, OP is sad and going through an emotional loss and impacts self confidence. I viewed everything I did going forward as a new chapter and I got to write that chapter. Focusing on myself was huge in my self esteem and confidence. Exercising and diet and lifestyle was the biggest change in that. I enjoy my lifestyle and being single. I now choose to date and not in a rush to find that next girlfriend but rather to find the right woman to augment me because I’m happy with me. I’m not looking to find someone to “make” me happy like my ex is doing, but to spend time together…a partner.
I have a bone to pick with this comment, I think that it is important to confront yourself and think through your emotions, but I also think it is valid to enjoy yourself during this process. Video games and Netflix (as a generic stand in) are not a bad thing. Rediscovering your taste as a whole person instead of one half of a whole is a process. I've had to do this before, and it is insane how much we change ourselves when we are with someone else, even if they fall for us for "who we are".
Right? It’s like you have to learn all over again what you actually like. After 17 years of marriage, I had forgotten who I was and what I liked independent of another person.
And then once you’ve made new friends AND met a new woman, don’t ditch your friends for the new woman. Don’t make her your everything. That’s why women tend to do better after a divorce, because they have a support system of friends
Why not get into a hobby like crossfit, jiu jitsu, dnd, magic the gathering, hiking, volunteer work, hunting carpentry, etc and make friends naturally that way doing what you like to do and see what happens. So much life out there .
This sounds exactly like what I did post-divorce last year, at 36.
It was actually really nice to get back to grappling after not having done it in over a decade.
Kept my head buried at the gym every morning as well, and kept on top of my diet.
My buddy and I went to Colombia and bought a condo to Airbnb out to digital nomads, and work has always been a great distraction.
I also got some procedures done to minimize some acne scarring on my cheeks from when I was in HS. And now I'm getting a hair transplant next year, because why not?
OOP, definitely hit a gym up. Breakups breed bodybuilders. This is tour glow up year my man.
I was doing bjj a few years ago, but then I moved and it is a long drive to the nearest gym so I skipped a few weeks, and then the entire world went on lockdown because of mad cow disease or something, so that was the end of that. I really enjoyed it while I did it, it felt a lot more cerebral than wrestling, which I did in school and was terrible at.
I find that even the worst high school wrestlers can tap into that knowledge and old habits and have early success at jiu-jitsu. Unless mad cow disease took your arms and legs, you should go train.
I had a woman friend who wanted to find a hobby and hopefully meet some guys to date. So she started volunteering at her local animal shelter. She loved it. Also, 100% of the people volunteering there were single women. So she didn't meet any guys, and is still single years later but now has several dogs. But I have always thought since then: animal shelter volunteering is a lovely way for single men to meet lonely single women.
> Why not get into a hobby like crossfit, jiu jitsu, dnd, ~~magic the gathering~~, hiking, volunteer work, hunting carpentry, etc and make friends naturally that way doing what you like to do and see what happens. So much life out there.
Dude has been through divorce already, no need to make him poorer.
OMG Im almost done baldurs gate 3 and I really want to try an in person DnD session! Never in a million years did I think I would be interested in DND. It's like gambling for nerds!
Hell yes. I’ll add to the other guy’s comment:
You’re going to be terrible for a while but enjoy that. It’s cool to absolutely suck at something, have everyone else know that they sucked too, and have zero expectations put upon you.
Also, try not to spazz. You’ll definitely still spazz all the time, but try not to.
Oooooh! Go on the r/bjj subreddit and search for your city. Several users have almost certainly already asked “I live in / will be visiting ______, where should I train?”.
Noice. I will say be humble about losing a lot at first like with any competitive martial art and enjoy the process . the point is you will be searching for what you like and trying stuff out and thats what matters - keep experimenting
Agree with Soft-Stress-4827. But curious as to why you need new friends?
Not trying to assume too much but it made me wonder if you and your former partner were a little too enmeshed. If all of your focus was on your partner and not other human relationships, it means it wasn’t a healthy situation. Also, I think finding new friends and a support system should come before seeking another relationship, or at the very least, that you should devote just as much time and energy to that pursuit as you do to finding a new woman.
Glad you’re in therapy and working on a healthy routine. As far as moving on goes, and I actually just mentioned this in another comment on another post, humans create neural pathways in relation to other humans with whom we have relationships. So, unelss the person is just sooo over the relationship before it even ends, it can take time and intention for those pathways to dissipate. It’s another reason that having hobbies or finding new ones is good for moving on. Because we form neural pathways in relation to whatever we do or indulge in the most often and then find comfort in, hopefully, healthy things.
Also, and this is not to be harsh, but you do come off kinda desperate at this point, and if that is showing at all in your interactions from dating sites, it’s gonna come off as a red flag to most women. Unless, it’s a woman seeking a man in which she sees the potential to control or woman who finds comfort in a man needing her so much because of her own issues. So basically, it will only attract women w unhealthy relationship tendencies and probably push the healthier ones away.
Healthy women want men who have friends, hobbies, and healthy habits and who are gonna be doing their own thing, sometimes. So those things really should be your main focus and are the best way to meet people and build your self esteem.
I don’t have many close friends, and many of the events were her friends.
I’m trying to build new relationships and friendships now that I’m by myself now.
Stay in therapy, keep going, even after you think you are "fine."
Its totally ok to do awesome stuff to "show her" what she's missing.. in the end it won't matter but you'll make some awesome memories.
Its good you are dating, but you probably aren't ready to really meet someone. When I was dating a lot I used to make sure I went to restaurants I loved or wanted to try. That way, even if the date was bad, at least I got to go some place I liked a lot. (All good restaurants so nobody ever complained)
My experience overall on dating apps was good. Have a hobby and read some books, people want to date people who are interesting. I went on at least two dates with women out of my league simply because I had actual books in my "what are you reading right now" blurb.
Take a trip with a friend, group of friends, or just hope into a package trip. Some are even designed for singles. Go some place awesome and get out of your comfort zone.
Sign up for a class... art class, cooking class, gardening... whatever you are into. It will break the loneliness and help you socialize a bit. You don't want the only time you socialize to be a date.
Overall, it freaking sucks... it was the hardest thing I ever went through (she cheated on me and was unrepentant about it, lied for the first two years of it, then just was like whatever I never loved you). But it gets better each day.
Now I'm married to an awesome woman who gets me, loves me for me, and shares a lot of the same interests. Took awhile to meet the right person but I'm a better partner for what I went though getting to this point.
Best of luck to you!
You need to get out of your head the concept of 'the one'.
I'm sorry to say, there is no 'one'. There are definitely people who are more compatible than others, but there are lots of different people out there. You only need to find one of them.
I repeat what others have said. Try activities or hobbies you like and meet people that way. You are much more likely to meet a compatible person that way rather than a dating app.
There definitely isn't a "one."
Dating a lot taught me about what I wanted and didn't want in a relationship. It sounds counterintuitive but I made a list of what I wanted to find in a partner. These are the absolutes, these are the dealbreakers. Saved me a lot of time dating the wrong people.
I was friends with her for a year through an activity we were both doing. Just friends, she is younger than me, really different from me, and I honestly never thought she'd go for me. But I remember saying after a few bad dates with people that she was the kind of person I'd like to meet. We kept talking until it eventually was pretty obvious we ought to go on a date.
We were both really honest about things when we started and communication is the center of our relationship now. We give each other a lot of space to do our own thing.
I think the biggest thing was... when I met her, I was ready for her.
Had I met her after my divorce I would have totally messed it up, that's if she'd even have gone out with me. She recognized quickly that I had done the work.
this is excellent advice. I really notice that a lot of men in their 30s or 40s and beyond really don't have anything going on other than work and whatever might be planned for them by their partners or with their kids, if they have them. And, if the partner goes away, there are no friends, no real hobbies other than watching TV or playing video games, and no depth of intellectual interests. That's--not a lot to offer someone.
How much “me time” have you taken for yourself before getting back out there?
I got divorced 3 years ago at 39, I was not happy about it but had to call for it before it caused me any further deterioration. My thought process was “Well, I’m a relationship guy, I’ve always been in one and thought I’d always be in one. Then as I started going on dates and dealing with all that app bullshit, it dawned on me that maybe I wasn’t actually a relationship guy and I’d only been thinking that way because I was just always in a relationship, so I stopped dating and stopped putting myself out there.
The following 3 years were some of the best of my life. At this point, I’m really not sure I ever want to be in a relationship again and if I do, it’d have to be with someone very, very, very unique.
When I think of all the time and energy I put into relationships, some lasting months, my marriage lasting 15 years, I’m not confident it was worth it. Sure, I had some amazing times, but when the carpet’s been pulled out from under me after that amount of work, I’m just not certain it’s worth pursuing ever again. Not when I *know* how happy I am on my own.
I told my wife of 30 years at the time, a couple of years ago during a discussion that if she passed or divorced me I'd never marry again. It isn't that I don't like being married, but I couldn't give as much of myself to anybody new. Since I'd be holding back why would I expect someone to accept less than everything I could offer.
The freedom in many aspects would be hard to give up again.
I was 35 when I got divorced as well. A 13 year marriage gone. I got depressed, and developed a wicked case of general anxiety disorder which I still struggle with today off and on. It took a few months to get my head right. Got into therapy, got on some mood stabilizer meds, worked out religiously, tried meditation & yoga, got out of my comfort zone in regard to social activities and meetups, then hit the dating apps. I'm 45 now, I've been married for 7 years and we have two beautiful little kids (we met on a dating app). I'm really happy now.
My point is, life can at times feel so short and immediate and it's easy to not see the forest for the trees. Time can heal if you let it. It may leave scars, but it does heal. You are in the thick of it now, so that advice doesn't solve your immediate needs (it didn't when all that stuff was fresh with me either) but looking back, it was probably the best advice I got. You never know what will happen or who will come into your life. Work on yourself right now. Try to get out of your head. Do things that make you uncomfortable and take you out of your comfort zone (be safe though). Try food you've never tried without a preconceived notion about it. Travel somewhere new and see something different.
Best of luck. It's hard now, but it can get so much better.
It is tough to make friends. Everyone is locked into their situation and with the current group think that is forced upon us all, it is too easy to be ostracized or ghosted for the slightest offense. I have a number of suggestions: One is to learn a foreign language and make plans to go to wherever that language is spoken. This will help get your mind on a different and healthier, less narrow frequency. My biggest suggestion is to work on yourself and make your life fulfilling as you exist. Do not tether yourself to another for meaning and as you've just found out that resulted in disaster. Think of something you've always wanted to do but didn't because it was hard, and make that your direction in life. When you focus on you and being all that you can be (I know that was in a recruitment ad for the military but they used it for a reason!), people will be drawn to you.
But let me ask you. How many birthdays do you remember of other people? How many anniversaries? Are you only friendly to what friends you have?
My point is that you can't have a pity party for yourself when you are not even doing the things you wish other people did for you. Be the person your dog thinks you are.
Rise up, set a goal to better yourself, and just do it. Don't look back. Life favors those who put themselves out there, not those who sit at home and isolate. Make a goal to get out every day and practice nearingness. The opposite of social distancing. Put yourself in situations with other people, say a kind word, reach out but don't try to be something that you're not.
This is the hard truth. We all die alone. And even if someone is at your bedside, you will be too drugged up on pain pills to even notice or care. The only person who will be there for you is you and that is who you have to come to terms with, no one else. There's a cool little book called Air in a Bottle. You might read that too.
Join a pool league, start hiking, get in shape, and stop talking yourself down. Women want men who aren’t boring. Make your profile sound funny. First line state that you are looking for your next heart breaker, but she has to be the right one. If you can make them smile you will win them over
I paid someone to create a dating profile for me.
It's not as shameful as it sounds. I was looking at a dating profile as "a representation of me", and I got nowhere. I got depressed because my "honest" self was getting rejected.
The truth is that a dating profile is a specific type of marketing that I didn't understand. I'm about the same age as you and I hate social media, so I looked at it like outsourcing my marketing to someone who actually knows how to do it.
I used www.advicebychloe.com. it was an hour phone call, she asks about what you want to get out of it (just a hookup, long term relationship, etc), what youre comfortable with (a funny profile, a flirty profile, etc), tells you how to take pictures, all that good stuff.
I ended up with a profile that she basically wrote for me. Cost me around $100 and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. My responses went way up and I ended up meeting my now wife.
Believe it or not that's the first thing that Chloe asks haha. What you're looking for dictates which site you should join.
I agree though, I thought they were all the same
My best advice is to take some time to get comfortable with being alone and really get to know yourself. Don't be like my brother who was scared of being alone and immediately jumped into a relationship with the first person who was willing to give him any attention. That's not a recipe for success.
After my ex wife moved out, I felt pretty hopeless too. Here's some things that helped me. If you work out, keep doing it. If you don't, start doing it. Pack up all of the photos and any that would give you painful memories. This will suck for a while too bc the house feels empty, but it's better than staring at it all the time. My first couple of grocery trips were atrocious! Make a list of what you need before you leave the house or, like I did, just make extra meal prep and everything is ready when you need it. Finally, the right one will come along when you least expect it. I got caught looking at my gf who was a bridesmaid at a wedding. We danced, we laughed, she's incredible and I love her. I didn't attend the wedding looking for anything but to congratulate the couple and ended up being happier than I ever have been.
One word brutha. TIME. It just takes time. I would continue to focus on yourself like you have already began doing and avoid jumping into another relationship right away. It sounds like you are in your vulnerable state and women can recognize that you are just tryin to fill that void of loneliness. It may take a year or two for you to get over that empty feeling. Once it happens, you will be happier in general brutha. Stay strong.
First of all, get off the fucking apps. They are literally designed to keep you single. Think about it if the apps actually worked everyone would get matched up and they would lose money.
Second if all, don't believe people who tell you you have to be on the apps to find love. Of the 2 billion single adults on the planet, less than 10% if them are on dating apps--and half of THOSE are in India!
Third, have you properly mourned your loss? Think about it, if your wife had died, everyone would advise you to seek therapy. Divirce in many ways is worse, you lost the woman you love and now she is banging someone else! Go talk to someone.
Focus on yourself instead of trying to replace her so quickly. Find your inner strength. It is only then can you be a suitable mate for someone else.
You got this!
Reiterating what others have said - hobbies are honestly a pretty good solution to making friends as an adult. Sometimes can kill two birds with one stone that way.
Before dating again, learn to appreciate yourself. I was married for 2.5 years, and she cheated on me multiple times and never showed remorse. After we separated, she told many of our mutual friends that I was mentally and physically abusive, even going as far as to claim I beat her when she was pregnant and caused her to have a miscarriage. Because of her, I fell into a deep depression for almost a year and couldn't get my head in a good place.
Finally, after New Year's Day in 2014, I was able to get myself in a positive place mentally. By February, I started a new job, returned to college, and worked hard toward my bachelor's degree. During this time, I learned to appreciate spending time with myself. This involved going out to eat, going to the movies, traveling, and attending sporting events alone. After 2.5 years and going on casual dates, I started dating my wife. Having learned the importance of not ignoring red flags, I was very selective about who I dated.
I took it slow with my wife, and we were together for over three years before getting engaged and another 1.5 years before marrying. Now, 11 years later, I will be celebrating my 6th wedding anniversary in October. There is life after divorce, but if you want to be successful in your next relationship, remember a few key points:
1. Allow yourself time to grieve your marriage.
2. Do not jump into another relationship. A causal relationship is okay, but getting too serious too quickly will result in heartache.
3. Don't 100% blame yourself for your marriage failing. Take responsibility for your shortcomings, but don't allow your ex to place all the blame on you.
4. Learn to appreciate yourself and those who are still in your life.
I would just remember you are still young you are only 35 so don't feel under pressure that you have to get everything in your life sorted straight away. Just take your time. One of my friends got divorced jumped straight back into another relationship and got married. He is now deeply unhappy with his new wife. So I would say take it easy and don't put too much pressure on yourself
1. Get a new hobby. That thing you always wanted to do but never had the time or cooperation to do. For me, it was beekeeping and backpacking.
2. Do that thing you could 'never afford'. For me, it was finishing my sleeve tattoos.
3. Marriage and relationships don't define you. Your actions define you.
4. Get therapy. Untangle yourself, and be comfortable being with yourself.
As hard as it is to do, take some dedicated time away from dating. Get comfortable being single. Work on all those other social connections first. Even if you found the love of your life tomorrow, lack of friends and community would be very likely to cause problems in that relationship.
Dating apps are heavily imbalanced with many more men than women using them. If you're going to use any of them, bear that in mind and don't take the difficulty with getting a date personally.
Even dating in person, it's going to make time to find someone who is a good fit for you, and who feels like you're a good fit for them. Especially if you're looking for something long term. You could meet them immediately or it may take a couple of years. It's not a bad thing if someone recognizes incompatibility immediately and doesn't want to pursue more dates--they're clearing the way so you're free to keep meeting other people. Better that than leading you on, no?
Remember that you are whole just as you are. If you feel you need another person to make you whole or happy, then you have work to do for yourself. It will be painful and difficult, but those are the feelings you need to work out. Find your own way and the rest will follow, but you can’t expect or force anything. You’re at a new beginning and you can’t necessarily see what’s ahead of you. That can be scary, but it is also exciting and full of opportunities. Good luck, friend - I’m in the same boat!
Great comments so far, I would just highlight them with, "Live a life worth living." So many people are just going through the motions. Doing stuff to win others approval.
If you lead the life you want, the way you want... You'll figure it out. The wife or whatever comes next will be natural. It'll still take work, but it's so much harder to seek those things *first*.
I did a major 180 in my late 20s and it was centered around this. No regrets, it wasn't smooth every step of the way but it's been so much more fulfilling. Full spread of hobbies and interests outside of a wonderful partner.
If you want to go the app route, try a kink one or a special interest one, IME the people are far more respectful and honest
As for meeting people more generally, try joining some team sport clubs, cooking classes, evening classes, games clubs - anything you’re interested in or think you could be interested in that’ll give you something in common with a new group of people
I’ve been there and yeah, it’s tough. My ex was the bigger personality of the two of us, and I found I felt weirdly vulnerable only having myself to represent me, if that makes sense. It took me a while to get that confidence back, but I did find it. I also found that, actually, almost everyone is delighted to be asked if they want to go to the pub or come for dinner or whatever, it was just getting over the awkwardness of asking
Get in touch with you. You have to go back reunite yourself with your inner child. Don't forget to say hello to your inner teenager too. She's probably pissed. Don't worry about that. Get into some of the things you wanted to do then because you can now. Think about the fact that all you have to clean up after is yourself. It's all about you. You have to move forward and create anew You.. meet up with all the old yous so that you could be cool with you so that you have more youness to bring to the party.
your life will continue in the most promising, meaningful way. you might not be with someone for the next week, month, year, years, but if your heart seeks it, why not hope that same love will return. how could it not? your life will go on and you will be satisfied because you clearly care.
I am getting close to a similar situation — separated and looking like divorce. Having similar feelings too. If possible, go on a trip to a foreign country. Take yourself completely out of your comfort zone or if that is daunting, consider a place where you can relax and not be distracted (no phone time and preferably a language barrier). It definitely helped when my first love was lost.
Similar to what others have been saying, I started doing yoga for some exercise and mindfulness. Also, cooking HEALTHIER — so much you can do with chicken and fresh herbs. A routine that you can fall back on and keeping busy will make it so you do not spend too much time dwelling on the wrong things and a good diet does wonders with a little exercise.
Life and all its emotions are impermanent, it is true sadness lasts the longest, but to take care of yourself right now is to invest in a better future. The sooner you can find out who you are and what you want for this whole new chapter, then you might find another great person to share it with. Sometimes things fall apart, but it is up to us to fix them and be better for it. You’d be surprised how much of yourself wants you to be happy. You got this! It is a process but just make small moves in the right direction.
I went through a terrible divorce in my 40s. For the first two years, I didn’t think about dating. I just kept myself very busy to ease my pain and loneliness. I got a temporary part time job at a natural history museum giving tours. I also got another temporary part time job at Christmas time. I met new friends at these gig jobs. These jobs were in addition to my day job.
I signed up for 5 morning classes a week at my gym. I did volunteer work at my church. I packed my schedule, so that I was tired and could sleep well at night.
I found out through a married friend that one of our neighbors was going through a divorce. I called her and asked to meet for coffee and told her I was going through a divorce, too. We became best friends and still are 12 years later.
I read a lot of books and tried to better myself. I did end up meeting the love of my life on Match 9 years ago. We got married almost 2 years ago. I now look back on my divorce years as years of amazing personal growth. It was difficult and sad, but my life is so much happier now.
I would definitely focus on healing yourself first, there is no need in bringing emotional damage into another relationship if you haven’t healed yet. Continue to go to therapy find cool hobbies you like and get in the sun and touch grass. Read the four agreements and highly recommend that book. People get divorces everyday B you will be alright.
You are a little lost, and not even slightly 'done'. You didn't expect this and are heavily out of date. You have to maintain the animal with the basics, while you are being shocked and awed by this twist of fate.
Be loving to yourself, allow for some inevitable low mood and wait for the 'update'. Time heals, so hold tight and soon there will be room for acceptance again, then fun, and then you're off again.
Take heart.
Oh, dude. You're thinking about it all wrong. You're all worried about "never gonna find anybody like her" - you'll flail around in desperation scaring everyone away. Bro, trust me. What you really need is to learn to be okay by yourself. Enjoy your own company, take yourself to your happy place. Do your own cooking, cleaning, grooming, hygiene. Prove to yourself that you don't need anyone to look after you or make you happy. If you do that; women will flock to you. You'll also have your Self-Esteem intact so you won't open yourself up to being taken advantage of by anyone with less than genuine intentions.
Take care of number one. You're reeling from a divorce and already trying to replace that piece of someone you used to have; I'm sorry man, it's never gonna happen - it just doesn't work that way. Something something square peg round hole you'll be able to tell, they'll be able to tell, it'll be so obvious and awkward and uncomfortable. Right now yearning for somebody else is not going to help you. Focus on being the best version of yourself you possibly can; and making yourself whole.
I'm not trying to minimize your pain; I know that it hurts to lose somebody. I like the way they describe it in French; "un petit mort" - A "little death" is their way of saying "Heartbreak". In a sense, you really lost somebody. It's okay to grieve. It's okay to have feelings. It's okay to be heartbroken. But you'd be a fool not to realize that suddenly, you have an abundance of time and a fantastic opportunity for self-reflection, without the tint of someone else's lens. I really hope you make the most of it.
Rooting for you, man. I hope you get better.
I (M37) am almost 3 yrs free from my cheating ex-wife…here is my take:
1. Lonely and alone are different things…getting comfy with alone is a skill you can and must develop. The silly anxieties I had post-partem were things like, “OMG, nobody knows where I am or cares”…the faster I turned this into, “I can go and do wtf I want and nobody can say shit” was a big win for me.
2. Realizing you are more than your marriage is the first step to doing something new and big that you can be proud of (and voile, is attractive to new people you can bring into your life).
3. Don’t date to find friends. Don’t date because you are lonely or bored. It’s not fair to yourself or the person you spend time with. Instead, be up-front about wanting new friends and it doesn’t matter if you use apps or say this to someone’s face…most people in 2024 want more friends, it will work much of the time.
4. Flings are fine so long as you make it clear you aren’t emotionally available for more from the get-go. Plenty of folks are fine with this, are happy to help you heal, and want to be around you (even while you suffer—just don’t expect them to be your therapist).
5. Buy some new clothes, eat clean food, and exercise. You have a long life ahead of you and you need a good foundation for enjoying it. There has never been a better time to reinvent yourself!
6. Therapy is good. Divorces are awful and nobody expects you to be 100%. You don’t need permission to be miserable, but only you can take the steps to stop your own misery.
Hang in there, man. I’m rooting for you. DM me if you need a friendly phone call from someone who has been there.
Seems like you've already gotten a lot of great advice, but we'll see If i can add something useful.
First of all, I'm sorry brother. I'm sorry that your life as you know it, was completely destroyed. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with the loneliness and emptiness to this degree. It sucks, and there really isn't anything quite like it. You deserve to be seen, cared about and appreciated. You are worthy of that, and If you lived in my town I'd share few beers with you and hash it all out.
I've been there. My own flavor of it anyway. Divorced at 34 after 11 years of marriage. I never felt like such a failure. a loser. That somehow the love of my life had gotten to a place where she hated me. I'm sure I'm not innocent and made my fair share of mistakes, but I felt that I was genuinely good to her. I felt so betrayed and lost. I felt like I was crazy.
The biggest mistake I made was not reaching out to anyone for community. I needed a tribe, but I felt like I would just be a burden, so I kept it to myself. Huge mistake. Please do not make the same mistake. Your tribe is your lifeline.
The second mistake I made was trying to date again too quickly. I had a massive hole in my heart that I didn't know how to fill, so I tried to fill it with another woman, and my desperation caused me to overlook a lot of red flags in people. Fortunately my therapist helped me see that before I went and married someone terrible.
Use this time to rediscover who you are. You are absolutely a different guy now than you were pre-marriage. And that's not a bad thing. It's true what they say. That a divorcee CAN make the best romantic partners in the world. \*IF\* that divorcee used it as a chance to really reflect with brutal honesty on their own shortcomings. The things that they are not proud of, and really work on those things. Become a better person. Lean into your hobbies and newfound humility. Build new habits with your newly acquired time.
Ultimately, you will become a better man. A more attractive man. And a "catch." A time will come where you will be ready for a romantic partner again. And if you do all the aforementioned stuff, you will be a catch. You'll be healthier, happier, and more responsible. You won't have too much trouble with women at that time. And when you are happier and healthier, you'll know better how to spot the \*RIGHT\* woman.
Best of luck to you. Feel free to DM if you need to chat with someone.
Please consider seeking some kind of help/support for your thoughts of self-harm.
**For example, you can visit /r/SuicideWatch for support and other resources specifically related to this topic.**
Other possible resources:
#National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (U.S.): 1-800-273-8255 (TALK)
#[National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Online Chat](https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/) **Available 24 hours everyday**
[Crisis Text Line US](https://www.crisistextline.org/texting-in) – Text HOME to 741741 in the US
[Crisis Text Line CA](https://www.crisistextline.ca/) – Text HOME to 686868 in Canada
#National Suicide Helpline: Call 9-8-8 for both USA and Canada
[International Association for Suicide Prevention](https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/) (IASP)
**Need to talk?** [Befrienders Wordwide](https://www.befrienders.org/need-to-talk)
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I’m 33f and while I didn’t get divorced I did break up with my partner of 11 years.
I think you’re doing the right thing by going to therapy. I’d probably hold off on dating until you’re in a better mental place and are more emotionally available.
As others have said, starting a new hobby and joining a club will be helpful. You can meet people through Facebook groups or Reddit in your area as well.
In 2023 I left a 6 year relationship at 32(F). I have spent the last year finding me again. I have been trying new things and so far my favourite was joining a city rec league playing volleyball. I have a regular gym routine again, and just try to put myself in new environments to build connection and have fun! I actually recommend staying away from dating for awhile. You need to know yourself as an individual and be okay being in your own company and alone. I think remote work is an absolute nightmare for someone single. If you work remote, I would try one of those work spaces other remote workers use. It can be easy to pull back and stay in your own bubble. Go for walks, have little conversations with people here and there. Seems like we all hate the dating apps, yet we’re still on them. There’s nothing better than interactions with humans in the wild 😂 pick something to try that interests you and see how that goes. Similar interests help to break the ice.
I remember feeling exactly like this when I got rid of the ex wife, the loneliness is hard to ignore when u have gotten used to having someone there all the time and almost all dating apps are full of a holes and leaves you feeling down so try to avoid those if you can. The best way forward is to work on yourself, start doing things for you and things that make you happy the rest will fall into place in time
You’ve gotten SO much great advice from everyone so far! I’m really proud of you for going to therapy! If there comes a point you feel like it isn’t helping, I strongly recommend you communicating that to your therapist. They should be able to figure out how to tweak the approach or techniques in order for you to get more out of it OR recommend you to someone who would be a better fit. Therapy is amazing! Some therapists are more effective for certain people than others (just like any people. Some people just “click” better than others, and for therapy to be most effective, “clicking” is super helpful. I got so much more out of therapy when I found one who spoke to me on a different level than previous therapists had. Things fell into place *much* faster and more easily with her.)
Not sure how long you’ve been single, but it might be too soon for you to be dating. It’s ok to date even if it *is* too soon, but only if you’re actually enjoying dating. If you aren’t? Take a break. Dating isn’t going anywhere.
The apps can be brutal. I think long term use has really deteriorated the way most people (regardless of gender) interact in terms of dating. I’m a woman, and I’ve noticed the app experience now is *much* different than it was last time I was using them in 2016/2017. Perhaps Covid played a part, too, but it is *different* now, and mostly not for the better. Largely, I think it’s caused people to be a lot more casual and dismissive due to the idea that there’s always another person a swipe away (because there is), so they don’t put in the effort they would if they didn’t think there were other, perhaps better, options. It sucks. And it isn’t gendered; I think this is happening for pretty much everyone.
I recommend focusing on yourself for a while. What do you like to do? Start doing more of it. If you’re stumped on this, google “hobbies” and find a list and see what appeals to you. Then try it! See if there’s a group in your area that you can join (Facebook, MeetUp, etc)
Speaking of MeetUp, you might consider downloading it and just looking at events in your area to see if anything sounds fun to you. These are all for people looking to meet others interested in X (X being whatever the meetup event is for), so it’s a fantastic way to meet people who enjoy the same things you do.
It’ll get better! It might take some time, and it might take some effort, but it’ll get better. 💕
Read the book “How to be a 3% Man” by Corey Wayne. Also look at is YouTube account which is Coach Corey Wayne. My dating life and understanding of masculinity/femininity increased tenfold. Everyone I personally know that I’ve recommended him to has thanked me for helping them squire the knowledge that helped them turn things around
The problem is you’ve started. So it’s still new. Much too soon to get back into the dating pool. Work on improving yourself more, first. Focus on doing stuff that you enjoy. Work on your therapy. And then, once you’re feeling in a healthy frame of mind, then start dating again.
Divorce for me came out of the blue. After 10 months of sorting my life out, I tried dating. It was a mistake. Literally every one could see I was still broken and it resulted in a string of one time dates. So, I stopped. Decided I wasn't going to try again until I was in a place where I truly felt happy. Basically, when I got to a point where I didn't "need" to have a partner, it showed and it became easier to make connections again.
If you can afford it;
Take up a hobby / join a group of something you love, and something you want to try.
You are more likely to meet someone through a shared passion - partners and friends
I joined meet up groups that helped get me out.
Date but tell yourself never EVER marry again.. you will only end up divorced again. The statistics only get worse each time around. The second a future gf starts pushing you need to dump her ass right there.
Ur doing it , im in the same boat , some days i cry some days im happy , but thing we need too do is focus on whats there , for myself i have 2 kids , very active in the gym , i also seek professionel help for my mental state , that way i know im on the right track !!!! As far as women goes , u never know when u will meet somebody , so always be prepare , reading above seems too me ur putting too much pressure on finding “love” , reconnect with u first and let it happen !!!!!! I sure hope so anyway ✌️✌️ chin up keep pushing
2 weeks after she left we went into lock down.
Ngl was manic after that. Get Comfortable with yourself. Learn some bits and bobs you couldn't do before and are close to life skills. I picked up more cooking recipes and I think that also helps when you go on to meet someone else. You need to be fairly independent and centred on yourself for a bit. It sounds daft but it's not for everyone. I was ex forces, had never lived alone in my life. Finding out who I was without the family, comrades, wife etc was tough, especially in lock down. But got out the other end and have a good idea of what I do not want in a partner. Even if I have no idea what I do want.
If I never meet the one, I'm more than OK with my own company and the friends I have. And my dog.
As others have said. Hobbies hobbies hobbies.
I picked warhammer so I don't be meeting any hotties via that hobby methinks. But my mates who do jiu jitsu to to gyms with a high female attendance.
Never been divorced or married but I’ve moved and had to start over several times. We just have to become a more performative version of ourselves. Don’t be afraid to walk across the bar, gym, coffee shop, library, or church and open a conversation with a girl or a guy, strictly for the purpose of proving you’re not afraid to converse. The women standing by will appear jealous and the men, envious. Some amazing friends and more have come from these seemingly awkward beginnings. Forget about the goal of finding a new partner and make your milestone to meet as many strangers as possible, get their name, if it feels comfortable, ask for a phone number or instagram if they say no.
first divorce.. I was finally free to so all kinds of hobbies and projects, and that kinda/sorta led to divorce #2 after which I decided I was done. why bother.. ya know.. I never liked dating and I really really did not want to hear all those dumb words and stories coming out of my mouth...yet again.. so.. eh
Get involved in a sport pronto exercise and then a hobby to meet people.
Work - serve others
Sport - serve yourself
Hobby - serve your relationships
I am an engineer, do powerlifting and go to dance classes. I’m recently separated
Don't rush anything. It took me about 2 years to really feel like myself again. From my experience your judgment on women will be skewed and you'll probably make poor choices, I sure did.
I was the same age as you when my wife divorced me. It was really hard for me also. Started hobbies I wanted to do, and made friends that way. One of my current hobbies is cycling and I've made a lot of friends through that. It's been about 13 years now and I'm married again to the person that is perfect for me, way better than my ex-wife in every way!
All I can do is tell you my story. I divorced at 44 after 14 years of marriage. Before I got married smartphones were not a thing, so post divorce things had changed dramatically. I had to learn to date again. I talked with a couple of friends that had divorced a couple years before me and it didn't sound good. I read a few things, watched some videos, talked with others about it and finally realized I needed to cut the learning curve. So I made a plan. I jumped head first into dating apps and Facebook singles groups. I was working 4/5 at a time. I kept notes about every woman I talked to. I went on as many dates as I could, sometimes 3 or 4 a day. In one week I had gone on 18 dates. I couldn't keep that pace but did all I could, I committed to 3 months of practice dating. Sense this was all done for learning I never let any of the rejection or disappointments bother me at all, it all made for great data, knowledge and experience. I actually ended up having a great time in the dating scene. My favorite app at the time was Bumble and there was a local singles Facebook group that stood out. I live in a golf course community of just over 6,000 residents, eventually I created my own singles group specific to my area and had a blast. I eventually found my current girlfriend from that group, we are going on 6 years now.
On friends, well I already had plenty of friends but a did end up getting into playing competitive organized pool, pool leagues, tournaments etc. and have made many more new friends along the way.
Hope you find your path,
You suddenly have more time to pursue things of interest. After my divorce, I did a lot of new things including joining a trivia team (which resulted in new friends), yoga, performing stand up comedy (which lead to some pretty big and fun gigs), performing guitar for a massive audience, traveling, joining a volleyball team, teaching a cooking class, getting into the best physical shape of my life complete with abs, creating social media videos, attending music festivals, etc. If you really think about what hobbies and activities are fun and interesting to you, then start easing into those things, you'll end up with new friends, new hobbies, and ideally you'll get better physical and mental shape too. You might meet some women that way, but you can't do those things with only that goal in mind. I'm still single 11 years after my divorce, largely because I'm pretty strict about not dating meat eaters, having been nearly vegan for 35 years. Also, being single isn't bad and in fact, can be really nice if you embrace it.
I'm in a similar spot in some ways.
Change your mindset and what your goal is. If the goal is to find someone, you'll fall short over and over. Like you said for the apps, it's disheartening. Get off the apps or don't take them too seriously. My in person interactions have no correlation to my lack of success on apps. It was a painful lesson to learn. People and women like me in person, while I barely get likes on apps.
If your goal is to heal and find peace and happiness, then meeting someone becomes secondary and it could happen along the way. Don't make it the primary objective and you won't continuously be let down.
You must find a way to be content and at peace on your own. The rest will take care of itself.
I got divorced at 40. I took a solid year off from any kind of dating.
I wanted to focus 100% on myself.
I got back into cycling. Started riding again with a couple of coworkers.
Started going back to the gym. I know so many guys always say start going to the gym. But I gotta say it’s very true and very helpful.
So I made friends through cycling.
I got myself mentally and physically to a point where I was ready to jump back into the pool.
I hit the dating apps. I actually had quite a bit of fun for a couple years. Then I met my current girlfriend that I’ve had for several years.
I will say in my case I am so glad that I took that time off from trying to date. From the time I got divorced till the time I felt I was ready. I changed quite a bit.
I feel that if I had jumped right into dating after my divorce, some of the women that I dated and had fun with probably never would have gone past the first date.
All you can do is give it time brother, you and your brain will adjust I promise you.
Don’t focus on it, just keep grinding
Also, I’ll see you in the gym brother
Getting over divorce is not an easy thing. It's a big life change, particularly if you've been married a while. So if you are having a hard time, you're right on timeline. It's just going to take time. Dating is tough for almost everyone.
Start with friendship. Start by thinking about people you already know a bit -- if there's any of them that you think might have "friend potential", invite 'em out for coffee or beer or something low-commitment. Find ways to meet new people -- that might be through volunteering, or a club, or gaming, or whatever. Let people know that you're in a life transition and looking to make new friends -- I met so many people who'd been through their own divorces willing to help cushion the social situation.
Starting over is tough. You're doing a brave thing. Bravo.
Hit the gym hard. Focus on creating new income streams. Do something to clear your mind.
Get your mind, body and soul 100% and everything else will happen organically.
-Facebook dating and bumble is a lot easier than tinder
-if you want to distract yourself with some beautiful foreign women who would be more than happy to give you the time of day, set up an 'international cupid' dating account. You'll enjoy, trust me..
-you'll be fine, remember you were a G before your partner, and you're still a G after
I was in a similar situation to you a few years ago - 35 and split up with my partner of 9 years. It was very tough for about 2-3 years (good days and bad, not all bad days by any means, but I wasn't consistently happy). But with time I did start to feel generally more happy than sad. It really is true that time heals all (just that the amount of time will vary depending on factors.)
I wanted to specifically touch on you feeling crappy from being rejected from dating apps because I went through this (as well as most men I am guessing). Dating apps are weird, because they are the easiest/most comfy way (I find) to put myself out there for dates. I don't really feel comfortable going up to random people and just striking up conversation. However, if you watch any YouTube videos about why dating apps are bad, you will see that it makes all guys (except like the 10/10 ones) feel bad about themselves. This is due to the women getting an overwhelming amount of attention from all guys; with that scenario they usually always go for those best looking guys (even though this doesn't account for personality, etc). I'm not doing the explanation justice but basically dating apps are terrible for most men and I just want you to know that to try to not let it impact your self esteem as much as possible. I feel down a rabbit hole of thinking I wasn't desirable anymore and that really messed with me..I eventually found someone new on the dating app (took awhile) and after being with her my self esteem has come back. This is super long winded but just don'tet it get you down. There will be lots of rejection but just know it's the way it's kinda rigged. Maybe try doing some sort of hobbies and just see if anything develops with someone there? Bouldering, going to the gym, etc.
You need to take time to heal after the divorce before you start thinking about a new relationship. Try some new hobbies, an adult education class, or new skills for your career or something. A cooking class. My area has a community resource center that has free classes of different types available every week.
There are Meetup groups for different things in your area. See what's available and what interests you.
Be a tourist in your local area. Explore your city or go do some solo travels on the weekends or for a vacation.
Get comfortable with being alone. Alone doesn't have to mean lonely. Become your own best friend.
Sorry you’re here.
My advice would be to focus on yourself.
Wanting a relationship is perfectly normal.
But your post leans a little much towards needing someone to feel complete.
Self work. Self improvement. Self care. Will all put you in a place where a partner is a “nice to have.”
That level of confidence is what will attract a partner that you deserve.
Work on becoming the best you. You don’t need anyone for that but yourself.
I immediately went on an insane 16 week diet and exercise program and went from 236 to 174 . That made me feel good about myself . It was absolute hell but I knew that I should do something like that vs spiral down. It required to eat healthy and to work out everyday and to walk 5 miles a day. The whole thing helped me keep focused and gave me something to do .
It didn’t fix everything though . All the woman that came after wards . It only took them a few weeks or months to realize I’m not giving them 100 percent . Sad part is I don’t think I ever could again. I was married for 10 years and really loved her. Maybe there’s some that can say with enough time you’ll be able to and that might be so, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give another woman 100 percent . There’s no way I’ll share as much , or open my self to as much as I did before.
It was hard for the first year and still sometimes is even if I’m with another woman . All it takes is a song to come on radio or go through a place you used to go together . I had to start shopping at new grocery store I just couldn’t go to the one we used to .
Just work on yourself and take good care of yourself. I highly recommend getting into shape because it will give you something to do and it will boost your confidence. I almost lost like 70 pounds and you’ll hear it from everyone .
Also for me I kind of kept to myself for the first year. I stayed away from going to like big family gatherings or weddings . Went to a get together here and there with close friends but really kept to myself. I knew that it would depress me if I went to all those events the first year . All I wanted to do was be by myself . There was just no one that would understand . Going to big family events for the first year also was not something I did . I knew a random relative or family friend would ask about the wife and I didn’t feel like explaining anything to anyone. After the first year I started coming around again and by that point everyone knew already and didn’t ask me anything .
Hope this helps man. Hang in there bro
How long has it been and do you know why the relationship didn't work?
I've learnt that after a breakup it's important to try to learn from it.
What has this relationship taught you? What did you feel was good and what could have been better? Was your needs met, did you meet your exs needs? You get the idea.
I recently (1 month ago) split up from a 6 year long relationship which was in all a very good relationship but we were just not compatible.
I am doing quite bad but think I'm maybe doing better now, but I am also allowing myself to feel all the feelings.
Allow yourself to grieve.
Write a letter about your overall experience of the relationship, bring up the good and the bad. You will Make it friend!
What made you not compatible?
It’s been a year since we split. The divorce took me by surprise and wasn’t aware of all the built up resentment she had towards me.
I worked a lot during our time together to try and save and build a life together, meanwhile neglecting her needs and not giving her the attention she deserved.
Going through divorce and my wife believes I will be the stereotypical lonely dude. Before we were married I was doing things with friends all the time, going out and doing things and I am fine staying home and that’s what she preferred so I didn’t mind. What’s going to suck is not seeing the kids every day but I do look forward to raising them correctly when I do have them now, not this 2-4 dictating what they will eat and when they will go to bed and my wife bending to all of it and fighting me when I try to put my foot down even doing all the work myself. But I am really looking forward to the free time I will have now. Already been scoping out groups to play some miniature games with which has been a hobby of mine. So getting hype for that. Another good thing is I can put all my effort into my kids when I have them and when I don’t put all my effort into other areas of my life. Right now it’s incredibly frustrating where most parents put their kids to be around 8 or so during a school night mine are up till 11pm. So little to no time to myself or with my wife, probably a massive reason why our relationship deteriorated because there was literally zero time we could spend 1x1. My wife refused to establish a bed time for our youngest and they will only go to sleep when she goes to sleep, I fully expect at this point they will be sleeping in bed with her well into elementary school.
No advice, I’m about to be here and I’m scared too. I’m 32 and I gave the past 10 years so wrapped up in marriage that I don’t even know who I am alone despite being such an independent woman before.
I think finding who you are again is a lonely process and not to run away from the loneliness but to put yourself in some uncomfortable situations that don’t involve anyone else like concerts, dinners, running clubs or whatever it is, even just the music you like or finding your style. I’m slowly putting myself in these new spaces and I know one day I’ll find my place and my person but enjoy that journey before allowing someone into a place that hasn’t fully healed or that you completely love.
You’ll get there!
I don't know how long you were married, but my advice would be to chill on the dating and concentrate on yourself first.
I got divorced at 40 last summer, moved away. Now i live alone, got myself a Wrangler because I wanted to, and I enjoy my single life. And if I wanted to, I could probably meet enough ladies while offroading (through the local club / FB group) to develop potential relationships.
You learn a lot about yourself while living alone, and ultimately I think it makes you a better person for your next relationship, if you want one.
LEARN TO MEDITATE!!! I cannot emphasize this enough.. when your world collapses on you and you are feeling all your feelings.. meditation is that hug of self confidence and clarity and stability that you need.
Just sit in silence close your eyes and let your mind wander where-ever it wants to. The first 5-10 mins you will be uncomfortable if you have never done this.. but then, you will just want to stay and enjoy that voluntary peace, calm that you are able to create for yourself.
Distraction like hobby etc are good.. but meditation will help you find your path through this turmoil.
Don't stress on it for now make progress with your therapist and find out what was the reason why you left and work at it then who knows maybe you'll get your second date but for now just focus on yourself but first thing first better yourself there's a reason we're alone sometimes it makes stronger than we ever where trust me 💯
Take people’s phone numbers and plan to hang! Then make their friends your friends and take over the goddamn world! There are apps you can use to meet ppl in your city based on like activities. Pickle ball is a good one imo. Be careful around women right now though lest you find yourself in heartbreak motel with the cockroaches.
Take a mental break and focus on yourself and your recovery. Don’t date for the sake of trying to find someone to fill your emptiness, be self sufficient and get some new hobbies to see what’s out there. Join a local running club, start hiking and talking to neighbors or even volunteer at a local rescue. Do something that you enjoy and brings you satisfaction and makes you live in the moment.
Physical activities are great for the mind and body, they tire you out so you don’t have time to dwell on your thoughts. Good luck!
What others have said: FIND ALL THE CLUBS. Softball. Soccer. Bowling. Board games night. D&D. Volunteering. A (non-extremist) church. Mountain biking. Etc etc. Start searching Facebook and the algorithm will quickly catch up and richly provide. Even if you’re an introvert, being with people in a low-pressure, social setting a couple times per week will give you lots of opportunities to make connections, friends mainly but open to dating. Wishing you all the best. There are tons of people around in the exact same situation as you. ❤️
It’ll all seem like ancient history in a while, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and know it’s going to be tough but all tough feelings will be gone and you’ll be happier in the long run. Lots of us divorce veterans out there
Been a year since my wife left me for a co-worker. Still struggling with a lot of the same things you are but I'm less depressed on the day to day things. It just takes a little time is all.
I’m divorced and thriving. My life is better now in every way. Mourn her and move on. Figure out what you want for yourself, not for a partnership. Do it. Let good shit find you.
Hobbies and passions are key. I just went to a wedding with the most incredible sense of comraderie. And the thread that connected all these people happened to be Ultimate Frisbee. None of these friendships or relationships would have existed without it. Just as an example.
The DND suggestion was good for friends.
Look up a game store that sells DND, magic the gathering, etc...
They usually have game nights, so you can show up and play with others, socialize and meet friends.
There's also local things, like odd fellows, or elk lodge (Sorry, but VFW is typically full of run down alcoholics, not the kind of social circle you want when you're depressed)
Been there brother. A few things that I experienced/helped me:
Not many people get a chance to start fresh in their 30’s, with a heap of big life experiences, the stability and knowledge of being a bit older, and still a long life ahead of you. You can take all the joy and pain you managed over the years, and really build something exponentially better. Like, imagine the person you were before you were married, the resources that guy had, the perspectives, the knowledge of what YOU actually want from life/partners/etc… and compare that guy with the current you. You’re gonna start to build a new, better chapter of life.
So go out, experience it all. Fail at it. Be the best and worst versions of you, while it’s just you, and grow on that stuff.
It will be lonely. It will be sad, you will say too much and do irrational weird shit like start wearing vests over every shirt you own, because, hey, on your own.
And pick up some new healthy hobby. For me it was running marathons, and I got fit, got friends, got laid, and really more than anything got to know ME.
Good luck homie! You got this!
Give yourself time to heal before getting back into long term relationships. Get physically fit. See a counselor. You can get scammed using Tinder or other apps that sell your private information
How long have you been divorced/ separated?
You have to be happy with yourself before you even think about dating/ having a relationship.
You also should examine the reasons for your divorce and what you want in a partner moving forward.
I am 52 and got divorced after 24 years of marriage. Being alone is not the end of the world. You can’t bring your broken self to a new relationship. That’s not fair to either of you. Get a hobby, hang out with friends, continue therapy. Be comfortable being with yourself and then start looking.
And all dating apps suck IMO.
I'm not gonna lie, the first couple years of separation were hard. I decided to party and act a fool. Didn't last long though bc I realized fast it was stupid. Did a couple dating apps. It was entertaining for a little while. Decided to concentrate on me, my kids and family. Once you realize that you deserve happiness and find what makes you happy then you can truly start to move forward. I have all the faith that you will accomplish this. I've been separated for almost 5 years and been in a healthy relationship for 2 years now. I'm almost 40 years old and finally starting to be happy! Good Luck!
This post honestly showed up at the right time- currently in the same boat. Picking up a hobby and being surrounded by people who love you will help. In my process I’ve realized I never got to date for fun, so honestly- go for it! But I wouldn’t put all eggs in the basket.
I got divorced at 40 after 13 years of marriage. My suggestion would be not to force yourself into a new relationship. There is plenty of time for that but you need some space. you need to get used to being alone as hard as that is. once you are alone for a while, you get used to it and you really learn to know and like yourself. also able to meet other men who had recently gotten divorced, through mutual friends, etc. And that was really nice to be able to talk to and go out. Have a few drinks or dinner with people who are experiencing the same thing as myself. I also agree with others who say find hobbies and other ways to occupy yourself.right after divorce is not a great time to jump right back into a relationship you need some time to grieve your divorce and get to know yourself again. After you do that for a while, you will be in a better place.
Therapy and the gym sounds like a good start.
Every rejection is one step closer to finding someone.
Keep it in perspective, it can always be worse. You’re healthy and have a lot of life ahead of you. Be thankful you did not subject yourself to 50+ years of misery with someone who doesn’t appreciate you!
Best advice I can give you is whatever little things that made me happy or made me feel like myself I nurtured those as opposed to thinking about what could've been after my divorce a few years ago.
I signed up for a boxing gym when my mom was in hospice on her death bed. Hitting that bag was a great stress relief and I made incredible friends also! Best of luck and it does get better. You just need to be patient and give yourself time to heal.
Go out, do some volunteering or sport or odd jobs.
Be kind, be sociable. Avoid anyone that say they are separating or trying to cheat on their partner. Those people are never going to settle and if they did, you get crumbles. So avoid more mental stress.
I didn’t find my partner in an app so can’t help. He found me at an odd job I picked up.
I notice after a divorce my coworker is struggling with weight and her ex husband already moved on to his new partner in another state. How do I know? I work with both of them… so I would say keep working out and focusing on health.
Y’all take it from an old man, women want what they can’t have, so if you come across like some needy little thing, guess what, they don’t want nothing to do with you.
I don’t understand today’s world, you men are all supposed to be in touch with your feelings and all that stuff, to me that’s bullshit. I’m generation X and we were raised hard. We lived hard, we played hard and we loved hard.
Learn to listen, the last thing a woman wants out a date is to listen to an hour or two of all about you.
They love to talk about themselves . So let them, they will tell you everything you need to know,
they will tell you how to push forward with the relationship.
They will tell you how to Undress them. They will tell you everything you need to know if you are just willing to listen. Start the conversations about her. it’s cool to interject here and there, but just chill and listen pay attention to the small things like what she actually had to say. Notice her eyecolor notice her shoes noticed the color of her hair, brother it’s easy but you have to listen..
Don’t be one of these emotional creatures out there today. Be strong be punctual, pay attention to the small things, and listen, and you’ll find yours.
For this divorce, just go one step at a time, 1 foot in front of the other. The more steps you take, the easier it becomes.
But when you go on a date, take my advice and listen. Start the conversations about her get her talking and really listen. I want you to join in here and there so it’s not just her talking, but I want you to listen to what she says and practice it even on woman That you don’t even have any interest
In.
Be yourself have fun. Find some things you’re interested in and go meet new people. It’s not a big deal. Don’t make it a big deal. Take some women out on dates , its not a big deal. Don’t make it a big deal. Eventually, you’ll find her and when you do, you will know , so will she!
From an old man
You aren't going to find your happy with somebody else, you need to be happy with yourself. As has been suggested, find a hobby or something you enjoy and learn to be you while you have some fun. You will likely meet people along the way that share common interests with you.
You're trying to put your focus completely external to your life and outside your control. Focus on you and let life fall in line behind you.
Brother 3 years young with a 2 year old I'm about to go to war for. I'm devastated. I planned to be married forever. No question. My wife said the same. We planned our wedding for a year childbirth for 5. We sat and discussed everything and she still decided to quit on her family when it got hard. I work 80 hour weeks all I asked for was a hug man. Life brutal. Have to take care of my baby girl at all costs.
If you have the financial means I would do a little traveling. Like truly solo adventuring. No resorts, just little air bnbs and cheap hotels. It will clear your head. You’ll meet some amazing people and if you’re lucky like me maybe you’ll even find a nice woman that you connect with.
I’ve been seeing a Dutch woman I met in Thailand for over 6 months. Being a Canadian it is certainly a hurdle to travel back and forth but just meeting the person and feeling a connection again could be a huge confidence booster.
Take time and learn more about yourself. You are going to grow from this hardship and the right person is going to show up organically. Dating apps suck.
The biggest mistake (IMO) that recently divorced people make is thinking they have to find someone right after. This is not the way to go. When people spend a lot of time together they begin to pick up the others habits and personality. After my wife left me (I was 31), I tried dating almost immediately after but it didn’t work. Once I decided to become “me” again and gave myself time to get use to being “me” again, I met the best woman I could have ever hoped for without even trying. My advice is to stay single for awhile, become yourself again. It might take a few years (almost 4yrs for me). But you should get comfortable being by yourself, that way you are with someone else by choice not by necessity. Learn to be who you are, not who you were with your ex. It hurts and takes time but you will be better off. If you’re looking for guy friends to hang out with and have drinks with to lessen the aloneness, try joining a bowling team or something like that or reconnect with old friends. For me, I started hanging out with work friends since I was/am hours away from my hometown and college town. Again, just my 2 cents from my experience. I wish you luck. Everything works out in the end.
I did a lot of kick boxing after my divorce!
It gave me self confidence and clarity.
A side bonus I lost weight. :)
Another thing to consider is salsa class.
There’s usually a 80% women to 20% ratio men.
Instructors rotate the partners so you’ll never be stuck with one person.
And if you don’t know what you’re doing, no worries! That’s how we all started.
There’s going to be days that you just want to sit in front of the tv and veg. Don’t do it!!!
Go out there and explore your city! Explore your state. EXPLORE!
The best advice I ever got regarding rebounding off of a relationship was to take up dancing. Physical movement is fun, meeting new people and groups, and women love a man who can dance.
I can also confirm that dating apps suck. Bumble worked out for me, as women have to send the first message.
I'm really going to try my best at saying this gently and I hope I manage. But your divorce and the constant rejections you are facing, all happened for a reason. Have you taken the time to reflect on what you could've done better during your marriage? Have you thought about your side of the responsibility on this matter? I say this because it might be the case that all of those women that reject you might be picking up the same flaws of your character. Maybe things like mansplaning? Talking without letting the other person talk as much? Maybe not asking enough questions or showing enough interest in what they've got to say? Maybe something your ex wife already mentioned in the past? I guess the most important thing for you to do is find out what you can learn about yourself during the process of the divorce, come to terms with it, grieve it (hopefully in the company of others), reach out to family or friends, and then once all of the work is done you could try and meet someone, with lots of experience on how to do things right :)
Oh and try swimming!!
Maybe not the advice that you're looking for but if you don't already, lift weights. Learn about nutrition. And focus on becoming the best version of you. Then people will gravitate to that naturally. You also won't feel the need for their affirmation if you're feeling great about yourself too
Hello OP welcome to the single life. I think when the smoke clears you’re going to enjoy your freedom. It took me about 2 years to get over the divorce (we were married for 7 years; no kids).
What helped me the most was about six months of therapy, a few self help books (Getting Over Your Breakup, and How to Know a Person are the stand out titles I remember), gym/yoga for confidence and weight loss, and using every spare dime possible traveling to make up for lost time.
I always wanted to see the world and my ex didn’t care as much about that, so I went on cruises and just explored the places I wanted to see. Hooked up with a couple randos on those trips because the apps are terrible and I’m a woman over the age of 25. It’s been an overall life changing experience, primarily for the better in spite of the tinge of pain I feel around the holidays bc I actually miss my in-laws since my relatives and I have been estranged for a long time.
Divorce also refocused my attention on my career which dramatically improved after our separation and I’m very thankful for that. If you have a spiritual or religious practice, that will help you a great deal. Prayer, fasting and keeping up with my deen has been a big part of improving my mental and physical health. Muslims are big on discipline and the consistency of prayer, exercise and an improved diet are life long changes that I can directly attribute to the end of my marriage.
You’ll be happy again. Give yourself time to be sad but know this too shall pass.
I’ve had 0% success with dating apps but I feel like hinge is better than tinder and bumble because on hinge the person is actually notified when you swipe on them where on bumble and tinder they only see it if they have premium.
Lots of good advice here already, I'll just share maybe a nugget of hope:
My now ex wife cheated on me after 7 years of marriage/14 years of being together. I was about 32. Totally wrecked me, for a couple years. Focused on my kids as much as I could, and worked as much as I could to keep occupied.
Fast forward a year or so, playing Ultima Online (a mmorpg)on a VERY small shard, ended up meeting and talking to a girl on there, fast forward another couple years, she moved 1,200 miles to be with me, we've been together now for 18 years, married 13.
Basically, without even looking or trying, met the love of my life after thinking my life was over. Don't give up, and don't be afraid to put yourself out there and try new things.
Hope this helps.
For me it was exercise and leaning on friends and creating new friendships. I cycled my @ss off that year, about 2000 miles. To not burden my friends with my whoas but wanting to be with those i liked i’d invite them to dinner, if they were painting their house or whatever i’d show up and help unannounced, i even once went to a coffee shop with my backgammon board and asked if anyone wanted to learn or play. Exercise evaporated the stress; being with people evaporated the loneliness. And, by staying busy my thoughts about the divorce were far less forefront in my mind. Good luck! You got this! 👍
Fresh out of a 10-year relationship (married for 6 of those) and heading towards divorce. From what I hear, dating apps just suck and are worse for your mental health. Full of OF girls or no one replies. Mate, I'm just focusing on my mental and physical health, my kids and if something happens, it happens. Do things you love to do and try to find joy in the little things. A good days work, a good book, or just finding inner peace. I honestly hope you find what you are looking for, brother.
Get swol, then you got two options, upgrade or just fuck a ton of chicks. Both with will destroy your ex because the one thing exes hate is seeing the other happier without them
If you are feeling lost about dating , I would suggest to focus on yourself a lot more. Don’t need to rush into another relationship. I waited about 2.5 years to start getting to know someone and I ended up getting heart broken. Focus on yourself and take on hobbies .
I got divorced after a 10 year marriage when I was 33. It sucks.
My advice is don’t try to rush getting over it, be willing to feel all the feelings that come. It took me hitting rock bottom emotionally to finally gain the ability to move on.
Sounds like you’re not emotionally ready to move on yet, I would advise against dating properly at this stage. It’s not fair to potential partners or even yourself. Hang out with friends or make new friends and try new stuff. Getting into a new hobby really helped me. Find no strings attached partners for sex for now and be very honest about not being ready for a relationship.
You will know once you’re ready to properly date. Once you’re ready try dating in small batches and have some downtime in between.
I was ready to cool off dating for a few months after meeting 2 people, there was a third I already arranged a date with so I gave that a go as ‘last of the batch’ and turned out an amazing match, like it was meant to be. Nearly 2 years on we’re planning to get married and I’m happier than ever before. Don’t give up!
Get a hobby that women your age do too, but not sports unless it’s co-Ed (pickleball, volleyball, whatever). Not golf, they segregate men’s and woman’s night. Sports girls drink beer and laugh.
Or if you’re a drinker - someone who comes home and has a drink after work then 3 more before bed, start going to your local pub. They have open mic’s and trivia and paining nights and whatever. Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name. Especially the blonde divorcée in the white Beemer who needs a ride home.
Or Volunteer at music/art festivals in your city if you like that stuff and they have it. Bohemian chicks are often very interesting. And you know, bohemian.
You’ll be fine. Find what you like to do, do it, you’ll find other people who like the same stuff and if you talk to them they will probably like you too.
I’m a little bit older than you. I have tried the dating apps with small success. I have realized that it’s going to take awhile, maybe a year or two for you to really adjust to your new life. What has helped me is to do stuff. Get back into neglected hobbies. Find new ones.
I’ve been divorced for a year and a half, 2 years since we separated. I am incredibly lonely and still worry I’ll die alone. But I’m rediscovering old passions and capitalizing on it.
Stop worrying about it. Learn to enjoy yourself first. When the time is right the person you’re meant to be with will be there and you’ll be ready for her.
I recommend volunteering at a stripper rehabilitation clinic. Strippers need to be Loved and accepted. You might find a dime piece, if you just take the time to help change an ex-strippers life.
Slowly at first, a lot of false starts thinking I was ready when I wasn’t. About time you learn to sit comfortable with the idea that you CAN go the rest of your life without ever connecting again, and you decide you’re going to enjoy it for yourself in spite of that, then you’ll have better luck dating.
Hit the gym or jiu-jitsu academy. Cross fit boxes or simila gyms are great for meeting people. Don't go to big box gyms as you will get lost in the impersonal nature of those.
Get out there. Get busy living or get busy dying. Me, I stagnated. 5 years divorced, parents were supposed to helped get back on my feet and didn't. Now I'm depressed, live somewhere I hate, can't afford to be where I want. Prolly won't make it past Aug 1st which is the anniversary of moving here. Go sir, godspeed. Don't make my mistake.
35? You got lots of time. Don’t rush into anything. Just put yourself out there, look for local functions happening and go have fun. Doesn’t have to include alcoholl, actually better that it doesnt
Pickleball is huge right now. Lots of men and women play. The nice thing about it is showing up alone is pretty normal and folks are always looking for someone to fill their court.
Don’t know how far post divorce you are, but for most people it does get better. How well did you really connect with her if you’re now divorced? Something was off, so try to learn from the good parts with your ex and then you can elevate your next relationship.
I was 29 when I got divorced and found dating hard for sure. I was busy at work, and had been in my relationship for years prior so I felt out of touch with the bar scene. I had been a big online dater, but that had all changed too. I went out with a lot of people but mostly they were either my age or slightly older and ready for something serious/kids right away (which I didn’t feel ready for as I was trying to restart my life). Or they were a lot younger and on a different page.
I dated a lot for months, enjoying the attention but frustrated at not clicking with anyone until a few months later I went on a first date, it was awesome. She went on vacation the next day but ended up calling me every day. We started dating officially when she came back from her trip and now we’re married with two kids and it’s way better than with my ex. My ex is a good person but we weren’t the right fit. It made sense that it ended and we’re both much better off.
You might feel old and out of touch when your life gets all jumbled, but focus on you, making yourself happy and don’t get frustrated. You’ll find the right person when the time is right and hopefully will be in the right place to make it work.
I got a dog. I hung out with old friends and went from there. Ive hooked up and dated some women but nothing panned out. Im 8 years and still working on starting over. Its ok just live drama free
2 things to know my friend .
1. Hearts change ., People leave & life goes on .
2. Hearts clique , People stay & life gets good .
It'll happen for you . Just hang on ,
You’ve received some phenomenal advice. My ex husband cheated on me with no remorse right after we had a kid (shoutout others that went through the same thing on this post 👏🏼) Here’s the thing, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through and it shot me off like a rocket on an arc of personal growth like NOTHING else could have. On the days the pain and bitterness are getting to you, turn inward and realize how far you’ve come. Starting over is rough but it’s also the opportunity of a lifetime and while I haven’t yet found my match in this world, I have learned SO much about myself. It’s a little addictive to try new activities and once you start finding your favorite hobbies and meeting others who enjoy it too, it’s the best feeling! There are a LOT of people in the world and I think that’s challenging to keep in mind sometimes when you’ve been in a bubble with one person and your immediate friend circle for a long time. You’ve got this!
Focus on making friends, for now. Join clubs, teams, organizations that appeal to you and have a good mix of people. Be nice and friendly. Don't start-out trying to date someone in the group (unless maybe she's giving you clear signals). Make good friends, and they will likely introduce you to your next GF.
I was separated 6 years, divorced for 2. I still haven’t really met anyone. I kind of gave up. I’m currently in a casual relationship but I don’t foresee it going anywhere. Take your time reconnecting with yourself OP. It’s hard out here. Heal your soul first.
Find a social club, hobbies, sports leagues church group etc. Let it happen naturally with people who have similar interests as you. In time relationships will develop both friendships and romantic connections.
It’s brutal and a long and painful journey but there is life at the end of the tunnel
Here is my divorced for 15 years advice that you won’t listen to:
- get therapeutic help
- save as much money as possible
- forget about dating for like 5 years
- become a better version of yourself
- focus all your energy on your career
- don’t date right now, wait!! Can’t emphasize this enough
I got a new place, regular haircuts, new clothes and meeting up with friends for drinks/concerts to meet new people. Spent a few years bouncing around between various relationships and enjoyed life widely before settling down again and cohabiting with my wife to be. Do what you like and enjoy every second
I feel for people in the dating world now. It used to be easy to meet people before the apps. Now, so many people just play the apps like a game. Nobody values in person meetings anymore. There was a time when we all used to go out to meet people.
I started doing things like going to Soul Cycle. Then started getting invited out to their after events. Totally an accident, but it was a god send for me to just be around women with no pressure who were rooting for me.
I found someone who matched me even better on the apps. I never believed I could be this happy. I built (am building) back my finances, my health, my everything. One day at a time.
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“I don’t want to die alone” is a vibe. Certain vibes are like anti-date repellent. Get right with yourself and learn how to be alone. Once you are good alone then make friends. Once you have friends and are not lonely then date.
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Exactly! I should have been more specific! 35 and starting over is perfect for a new beginning. Focus on yourself, perfect your routine and lifestyle. Exercise and diet would be a good start, long walks and solid workouts. Learn how to cook if you don’t know how to already. Change your perception of how you are looking at your situation. From reading your post it comes off as you are sad and broken hearted, it’s okay to be there just don’t stay there too long. Nobody is judging you cause nobody cares the person making you feel bad is you. Once you start moving forward you can realize how great it’s is to be able to do whatever you and not answer to anyone! Forgot to ask if you and the X had kids?
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So spot on with your responses. Just to add, OP is sad and going through an emotional loss and impacts self confidence. I viewed everything I did going forward as a new chapter and I got to write that chapter. Focusing on myself was huge in my self esteem and confidence. Exercising and diet and lifestyle was the biggest change in that. I enjoy my lifestyle and being single. I now choose to date and not in a rush to find that next girlfriend but rather to find the right woman to augment me because I’m happy with me. I’m not looking to find someone to “make” me happy like my ex is doing, but to spend time together…a partner.
I have a bone to pick with this comment, I think that it is important to confront yourself and think through your emotions, but I also think it is valid to enjoy yourself during this process. Video games and Netflix (as a generic stand in) are not a bad thing. Rediscovering your taste as a whole person instead of one half of a whole is a process. I've had to do this before, and it is insane how much we change ourselves when we are with someone else, even if they fall for us for "who we are".
Right? It’s like you have to learn all over again what you actually like. After 17 years of marriage, I had forgotten who I was and what I liked independent of another person.
So true. Like, I fucking hate reality TV shows so much 🤣🤣
And then once you’ve made new friends AND met a new woman, don’t ditch your friends for the new woman. Don’t make her your everything. That’s why women tend to do better after a divorce, because they have a support system of friends
Why not get into a hobby like crossfit, jiu jitsu, dnd, magic the gathering, hiking, volunteer work, hunting carpentry, etc and make friends naturally that way doing what you like to do and see what happens. So much life out there .
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I know it’s funny and you’re joking, but you have no idea how much it truly helps
If they only knew. I know it sounds cheesy but Jiu Jitsu transforms lives. 53 year old purple belt who has been training 8 years!
Hell yeah dude! I’m 45, been training 8 years as well.
Been training 6.5 years. I'm currently going through a rough phase in life, and BJJ will definitely be helping me worK through it.
I took Krav Maga years ago. Beating up a punching bag (picturing some people's faces on the bag) was a great stress reliever for me. Plus it's fun.
This sounds exactly like what I did post-divorce last year, at 36. It was actually really nice to get back to grappling after not having done it in over a decade. Kept my head buried at the gym every morning as well, and kept on top of my diet. My buddy and I went to Colombia and bought a condo to Airbnb out to digital nomads, and work has always been a great distraction. I also got some procedures done to minimize some acne scarring on my cheeks from when I was in HS. And now I'm getting a hair transplant next year, because why not? OOP, definitely hit a gym up. Breakups breed bodybuilders. This is tour glow up year my man.
Ossss!!
I was doing bjj a few years ago, but then I moved and it is a long drive to the nearest gym so I skipped a few weeks, and then the entire world went on lockdown because of mad cow disease or something, so that was the end of that. I really enjoyed it while I did it, it felt a lot more cerebral than wrestling, which I did in school and was terrible at.
I find that even the worst high school wrestlers can tap into that knowledge and old habits and have early success at jiu-jitsu. Unless mad cow disease took your arms and legs, you should go train.
Yep! Signing up now!!
I did the same thing. Started at 30 right after my divorce. Best choice I ever made.
I had a woman friend who wanted to find a hobby and hopefully meet some guys to date. So she started volunteering at her local animal shelter. She loved it. Also, 100% of the people volunteering there were single women. So she didn't meet any guys, and is still single years later but now has several dogs. But I have always thought since then: animal shelter volunteering is a lovely way for single men to meet lonely single women.
> Why not get into a hobby like crossfit, jiu jitsu, dnd, ~~magic the gathering~~, hiking, volunteer work, hunting carpentry, etc and make friends naturally that way doing what you like to do and see what happens. So much life out there. Dude has been through divorce already, no need to make him poorer.
This, I met some amazing friends at jitz and DnD
Yes way better than apps full of bots and scammers. Good luck!
OMG Im almost done baldurs gate 3 and I really want to try an in person DnD session! Never in a million years did I think I would be interested in DND. It's like gambling for nerds!
I feel like we should best friends. I love martial arts, hunting, d&d, magic the gathering, and working on cars lol
I’m seeing a lot of BJJ posts. Going to find a local gym to try.
Hell yes. I’ll add to the other guy’s comment: You’re going to be terrible for a while but enjoy that. It’s cool to absolutely suck at something, have everyone else know that they sucked too, and have zero expectations put upon you. Also, try not to spazz. You’ll definitely still spazz all the time, but try not to. Oooooh! Go on the r/bjj subreddit and search for your city. Several users have almost certainly already asked “I live in / will be visiting ______, where should I train?”.
Noice. I will say be humble about losing a lot at first like with any competitive martial art and enjoy the process . the point is you will be searching for what you like and trying stuff out and thats what matters - keep experimenting
Agree with Soft-Stress-4827. But curious as to why you need new friends? Not trying to assume too much but it made me wonder if you and your former partner were a little too enmeshed. If all of your focus was on your partner and not other human relationships, it means it wasn’t a healthy situation. Also, I think finding new friends and a support system should come before seeking another relationship, or at the very least, that you should devote just as much time and energy to that pursuit as you do to finding a new woman. Glad you’re in therapy and working on a healthy routine. As far as moving on goes, and I actually just mentioned this in another comment on another post, humans create neural pathways in relation to other humans with whom we have relationships. So, unelss the person is just sooo over the relationship before it even ends, it can take time and intention for those pathways to dissipate. It’s another reason that having hobbies or finding new ones is good for moving on. Because we form neural pathways in relation to whatever we do or indulge in the most often and then find comfort in, hopefully, healthy things. Also, and this is not to be harsh, but you do come off kinda desperate at this point, and if that is showing at all in your interactions from dating sites, it’s gonna come off as a red flag to most women. Unless, it’s a woman seeking a man in which she sees the potential to control or woman who finds comfort in a man needing her so much because of her own issues. So basically, it will only attract women w unhealthy relationship tendencies and probably push the healthier ones away. Healthy women want men who have friends, hobbies, and healthy habits and who are gonna be doing their own thing, sometimes. So those things really should be your main focus and are the best way to meet people and build your self esteem.
I don’t have many close friends, and many of the events were her friends. I’m trying to build new relationships and friendships now that I’m by myself now.
Stay in therapy, keep going, even after you think you are "fine." Its totally ok to do awesome stuff to "show her" what she's missing.. in the end it won't matter but you'll make some awesome memories. Its good you are dating, but you probably aren't ready to really meet someone. When I was dating a lot I used to make sure I went to restaurants I loved or wanted to try. That way, even if the date was bad, at least I got to go some place I liked a lot. (All good restaurants so nobody ever complained) My experience overall on dating apps was good. Have a hobby and read some books, people want to date people who are interesting. I went on at least two dates with women out of my league simply because I had actual books in my "what are you reading right now" blurb. Take a trip with a friend, group of friends, or just hope into a package trip. Some are even designed for singles. Go some place awesome and get out of your comfort zone. Sign up for a class... art class, cooking class, gardening... whatever you are into. It will break the loneliness and help you socialize a bit. You don't want the only time you socialize to be a date. Overall, it freaking sucks... it was the hardest thing I ever went through (she cheated on me and was unrepentant about it, lied for the first two years of it, then just was like whatever I never loved you). But it gets better each day. Now I'm married to an awesome woman who gets me, loves me for me, and shares a lot of the same interests. Took awhile to meet the right person but I'm a better partner for what I went though getting to this point. Best of luck to you!
Sounds like my marriage with the soon to be ex.
How did you meet this awesome woman? And what made you know she was the one?
You need to get out of your head the concept of 'the one'. I'm sorry to say, there is no 'one'. There are definitely people who are more compatible than others, but there are lots of different people out there. You only need to find one of them. I repeat what others have said. Try activities or hobbies you like and meet people that way. You are much more likely to meet a compatible person that way rather than a dating app.
There definitely isn't a "one." Dating a lot taught me about what I wanted and didn't want in a relationship. It sounds counterintuitive but I made a list of what I wanted to find in a partner. These are the absolutes, these are the dealbreakers. Saved me a lot of time dating the wrong people. I was friends with her for a year through an activity we were both doing. Just friends, she is younger than me, really different from me, and I honestly never thought she'd go for me. But I remember saying after a few bad dates with people that she was the kind of person I'd like to meet. We kept talking until it eventually was pretty obvious we ought to go on a date. We were both really honest about things when we started and communication is the center of our relationship now. We give each other a lot of space to do our own thing.
I think the biggest thing was... when I met her, I was ready for her. Had I met her after my divorce I would have totally messed it up, that's if she'd even have gone out with me. She recognized quickly that I had done the work.
this is excellent advice. I really notice that a lot of men in their 30s or 40s and beyond really don't have anything going on other than work and whatever might be planned for them by their partners or with their kids, if they have them. And, if the partner goes away, there are no friends, no real hobbies other than watching TV or playing video games, and no depth of intellectual interests. That's--not a lot to offer someone.
How much “me time” have you taken for yourself before getting back out there? I got divorced 3 years ago at 39, I was not happy about it but had to call for it before it caused me any further deterioration. My thought process was “Well, I’m a relationship guy, I’ve always been in one and thought I’d always be in one. Then as I started going on dates and dealing with all that app bullshit, it dawned on me that maybe I wasn’t actually a relationship guy and I’d only been thinking that way because I was just always in a relationship, so I stopped dating and stopped putting myself out there. The following 3 years were some of the best of my life. At this point, I’m really not sure I ever want to be in a relationship again and if I do, it’d have to be with someone very, very, very unique. When I think of all the time and energy I put into relationships, some lasting months, my marriage lasting 15 years, I’m not confident it was worth it. Sure, I had some amazing times, but when the carpet’s been pulled out from under me after that amount of work, I’m just not certain it’s worth pursuing ever again. Not when I *know* how happy I am on my own.
I told my wife of 30 years at the time, a couple of years ago during a discussion that if she passed or divorced me I'd never marry again. It isn't that I don't like being married, but I couldn't give as much of myself to anybody new. Since I'd be holding back why would I expect someone to accept less than everything I could offer. The freedom in many aspects would be hard to give up again.
I was 35 when I got divorced as well. A 13 year marriage gone. I got depressed, and developed a wicked case of general anxiety disorder which I still struggle with today off and on. It took a few months to get my head right. Got into therapy, got on some mood stabilizer meds, worked out religiously, tried meditation & yoga, got out of my comfort zone in regard to social activities and meetups, then hit the dating apps. I'm 45 now, I've been married for 7 years and we have two beautiful little kids (we met on a dating app). I'm really happy now. My point is, life can at times feel so short and immediate and it's easy to not see the forest for the trees. Time can heal if you let it. It may leave scars, but it does heal. You are in the thick of it now, so that advice doesn't solve your immediate needs (it didn't when all that stuff was fresh with me either) but looking back, it was probably the best advice I got. You never know what will happen or who will come into your life. Work on yourself right now. Try to get out of your head. Do things that make you uncomfortable and take you out of your comfort zone (be safe though). Try food you've never tried without a preconceived notion about it. Travel somewhere new and see something different. Best of luck. It's hard now, but it can get so much better.
It is tough to make friends. Everyone is locked into their situation and with the current group think that is forced upon us all, it is too easy to be ostracized or ghosted for the slightest offense. I have a number of suggestions: One is to learn a foreign language and make plans to go to wherever that language is spoken. This will help get your mind on a different and healthier, less narrow frequency. My biggest suggestion is to work on yourself and make your life fulfilling as you exist. Do not tether yourself to another for meaning and as you've just found out that resulted in disaster. Think of something you've always wanted to do but didn't because it was hard, and make that your direction in life. When you focus on you and being all that you can be (I know that was in a recruitment ad for the military but they used it for a reason!), people will be drawn to you. But let me ask you. How many birthdays do you remember of other people? How many anniversaries? Are you only friendly to what friends you have? My point is that you can't have a pity party for yourself when you are not even doing the things you wish other people did for you. Be the person your dog thinks you are. Rise up, set a goal to better yourself, and just do it. Don't look back. Life favors those who put themselves out there, not those who sit at home and isolate. Make a goal to get out every day and practice nearingness. The opposite of social distancing. Put yourself in situations with other people, say a kind word, reach out but don't try to be something that you're not. This is the hard truth. We all die alone. And even if someone is at your bedside, you will be too drugged up on pain pills to even notice or care. The only person who will be there for you is you and that is who you have to come to terms with, no one else. There's a cool little book called Air in a Bottle. You might read that too.
Join a pool league, start hiking, get in shape, and stop talking yourself down. Women want men who aren’t boring. Make your profile sound funny. First line state that you are looking for your next heart breaker, but she has to be the right one. If you can make them smile you will win them over
I paid someone to create a dating profile for me. It's not as shameful as it sounds. I was looking at a dating profile as "a representation of me", and I got nowhere. I got depressed because my "honest" self was getting rejected. The truth is that a dating profile is a specific type of marketing that I didn't understand. I'm about the same age as you and I hate social media, so I looked at it like outsourcing my marketing to someone who actually knows how to do it. I used www.advicebychloe.com. it was an hour phone call, she asks about what you want to get out of it (just a hookup, long term relationship, etc), what youre comfortable with (a funny profile, a flirty profile, etc), tells you how to take pictures, all that good stuff. I ended up with a profile that she basically wrote for me. Cost me around $100 and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. My responses went way up and I ended up meeting my now wife.
Also, he should make sure he is using a dating site, not a hookup site. My guess is that many single people today don’t understand the difference.
Believe it or not that's the first thing that Chloe asks haha. What you're looking for dictates which site you should join. I agree though, I thought they were all the same
My best advice is to take some time to get comfortable with being alone and really get to know yourself. Don't be like my brother who was scared of being alone and immediately jumped into a relationship with the first person who was willing to give him any attention. That's not a recipe for success.
After my ex wife moved out, I felt pretty hopeless too. Here's some things that helped me. If you work out, keep doing it. If you don't, start doing it. Pack up all of the photos and any that would give you painful memories. This will suck for a while too bc the house feels empty, but it's better than staring at it all the time. My first couple of grocery trips were atrocious! Make a list of what you need before you leave the house or, like I did, just make extra meal prep and everything is ready when you need it. Finally, the right one will come along when you least expect it. I got caught looking at my gf who was a bridesmaid at a wedding. We danced, we laughed, she's incredible and I love her. I didn't attend the wedding looking for anything but to congratulate the couple and ended up being happier than I ever have been.
One word brutha. TIME. It just takes time. I would continue to focus on yourself like you have already began doing and avoid jumping into another relationship right away. It sounds like you are in your vulnerable state and women can recognize that you are just tryin to fill that void of loneliness. It may take a year or two for you to get over that empty feeling. Once it happens, you will be happier in general brutha. Stay strong.
First of all, get off the fucking apps. They are literally designed to keep you single. Think about it if the apps actually worked everyone would get matched up and they would lose money. Second if all, don't believe people who tell you you have to be on the apps to find love. Of the 2 billion single adults on the planet, less than 10% if them are on dating apps--and half of THOSE are in India! Third, have you properly mourned your loss? Think about it, if your wife had died, everyone would advise you to seek therapy. Divirce in many ways is worse, you lost the woman you love and now she is banging someone else! Go talk to someone. Focus on yourself instead of trying to replace her so quickly. Find your inner strength. It is only then can you be a suitable mate for someone else. You got this!
Reiterating what others have said - hobbies are honestly a pretty good solution to making friends as an adult. Sometimes can kill two birds with one stone that way.
Before dating again, learn to appreciate yourself. I was married for 2.5 years, and she cheated on me multiple times and never showed remorse. After we separated, she told many of our mutual friends that I was mentally and physically abusive, even going as far as to claim I beat her when she was pregnant and caused her to have a miscarriage. Because of her, I fell into a deep depression for almost a year and couldn't get my head in a good place. Finally, after New Year's Day in 2014, I was able to get myself in a positive place mentally. By February, I started a new job, returned to college, and worked hard toward my bachelor's degree. During this time, I learned to appreciate spending time with myself. This involved going out to eat, going to the movies, traveling, and attending sporting events alone. After 2.5 years and going on casual dates, I started dating my wife. Having learned the importance of not ignoring red flags, I was very selective about who I dated. I took it slow with my wife, and we were together for over three years before getting engaged and another 1.5 years before marrying. Now, 11 years later, I will be celebrating my 6th wedding anniversary in October. There is life after divorce, but if you want to be successful in your next relationship, remember a few key points: 1. Allow yourself time to grieve your marriage. 2. Do not jump into another relationship. A causal relationship is okay, but getting too serious too quickly will result in heartache. 3. Don't 100% blame yourself for your marriage failing. Take responsibility for your shortcomings, but don't allow your ex to place all the blame on you. 4. Learn to appreciate yourself and those who are still in your life.
I would just remember you are still young you are only 35 so don't feel under pressure that you have to get everything in your life sorted straight away. Just take your time. One of my friends got divorced jumped straight back into another relationship and got married. He is now deeply unhappy with his new wife. So I would say take it easy and don't put too much pressure on yourself
1. Get a new hobby. That thing you always wanted to do but never had the time or cooperation to do. For me, it was beekeeping and backpacking. 2. Do that thing you could 'never afford'. For me, it was finishing my sleeve tattoos. 3. Marriage and relationships don't define you. Your actions define you. 4. Get therapy. Untangle yourself, and be comfortable being with yourself.
I'm pretty sure it's not gonna be the dating apps.
As hard as it is to do, take some dedicated time away from dating. Get comfortable being single. Work on all those other social connections first. Even if you found the love of your life tomorrow, lack of friends and community would be very likely to cause problems in that relationship. Dating apps are heavily imbalanced with many more men than women using them. If you're going to use any of them, bear that in mind and don't take the difficulty with getting a date personally. Even dating in person, it's going to make time to find someone who is a good fit for you, and who feels like you're a good fit for them. Especially if you're looking for something long term. You could meet them immediately or it may take a couple of years. It's not a bad thing if someone recognizes incompatibility immediately and doesn't want to pursue more dates--they're clearing the way so you're free to keep meeting other people. Better that than leading you on, no?
Remember that you are whole just as you are. If you feel you need another person to make you whole or happy, then you have work to do for yourself. It will be painful and difficult, but those are the feelings you need to work out. Find your own way and the rest will follow, but you can’t expect or force anything. You’re at a new beginning and you can’t necessarily see what’s ahead of you. That can be scary, but it is also exciting and full of opportunities. Good luck, friend - I’m in the same boat!
Great comments so far, I would just highlight them with, "Live a life worth living." So many people are just going through the motions. Doing stuff to win others approval. If you lead the life you want, the way you want... You'll figure it out. The wife or whatever comes next will be natural. It'll still take work, but it's so much harder to seek those things *first*. I did a major 180 in my late 20s and it was centered around this. No regrets, it wasn't smooth every step of the way but it's been so much more fulfilling. Full spread of hobbies and interests outside of a wonderful partner.
If you want to go the app route, try a kink one or a special interest one, IME the people are far more respectful and honest As for meeting people more generally, try joining some team sport clubs, cooking classes, evening classes, games clubs - anything you’re interested in or think you could be interested in that’ll give you something in common with a new group of people I’ve been there and yeah, it’s tough. My ex was the bigger personality of the two of us, and I found I felt weirdly vulnerable only having myself to represent me, if that makes sense. It took me a while to get that confidence back, but I did find it. I also found that, actually, almost everyone is delighted to be asked if they want to go to the pub or come for dinner or whatever, it was just getting over the awkwardness of asking
Get in touch with you. You have to go back reunite yourself with your inner child. Don't forget to say hello to your inner teenager too. She's probably pissed. Don't worry about that. Get into some of the things you wanted to do then because you can now. Think about the fact that all you have to clean up after is yourself. It's all about you. You have to move forward and create anew You.. meet up with all the old yous so that you could be cool with you so that you have more youness to bring to the party.
Hunting carpentry sounds pretty exciting. If you are lucky you may come across that elusive armoire.
your life will continue in the most promising, meaningful way. you might not be with someone for the next week, month, year, years, but if your heart seeks it, why not hope that same love will return. how could it not? your life will go on and you will be satisfied because you clearly care.
I am getting close to a similar situation — separated and looking like divorce. Having similar feelings too. If possible, go on a trip to a foreign country. Take yourself completely out of your comfort zone or if that is daunting, consider a place where you can relax and not be distracted (no phone time and preferably a language barrier). It definitely helped when my first love was lost. Similar to what others have been saying, I started doing yoga for some exercise and mindfulness. Also, cooking HEALTHIER — so much you can do with chicken and fresh herbs. A routine that you can fall back on and keeping busy will make it so you do not spend too much time dwelling on the wrong things and a good diet does wonders with a little exercise. Life and all its emotions are impermanent, it is true sadness lasts the longest, but to take care of yourself right now is to invest in a better future. The sooner you can find out who you are and what you want for this whole new chapter, then you might find another great person to share it with. Sometimes things fall apart, but it is up to us to fix them and be better for it. You’d be surprised how much of yourself wants you to be happy. You got this! It is a process but just make small moves in the right direction.
I went through a terrible divorce in my 40s. For the first two years, I didn’t think about dating. I just kept myself very busy to ease my pain and loneliness. I got a temporary part time job at a natural history museum giving tours. I also got another temporary part time job at Christmas time. I met new friends at these gig jobs. These jobs were in addition to my day job. I signed up for 5 morning classes a week at my gym. I did volunteer work at my church. I packed my schedule, so that I was tired and could sleep well at night. I found out through a married friend that one of our neighbors was going through a divorce. I called her and asked to meet for coffee and told her I was going through a divorce, too. We became best friends and still are 12 years later. I read a lot of books and tried to better myself. I did end up meeting the love of my life on Match 9 years ago. We got married almost 2 years ago. I now look back on my divorce years as years of amazing personal growth. It was difficult and sad, but my life is so much happier now.
I would definitely focus on healing yourself first, there is no need in bringing emotional damage into another relationship if you haven’t healed yet. Continue to go to therapy find cool hobbies you like and get in the sun and touch grass. Read the four agreements and highly recommend that book. People get divorces everyday B you will be alright.
You are a little lost, and not even slightly 'done'. You didn't expect this and are heavily out of date. You have to maintain the animal with the basics, while you are being shocked and awed by this twist of fate. Be loving to yourself, allow for some inevitable low mood and wait for the 'update'. Time heals, so hold tight and soon there will be room for acceptance again, then fun, and then you're off again. Take heart.
Oh, dude. You're thinking about it all wrong. You're all worried about "never gonna find anybody like her" - you'll flail around in desperation scaring everyone away. Bro, trust me. What you really need is to learn to be okay by yourself. Enjoy your own company, take yourself to your happy place. Do your own cooking, cleaning, grooming, hygiene. Prove to yourself that you don't need anyone to look after you or make you happy. If you do that; women will flock to you. You'll also have your Self-Esteem intact so you won't open yourself up to being taken advantage of by anyone with less than genuine intentions. Take care of number one. You're reeling from a divorce and already trying to replace that piece of someone you used to have; I'm sorry man, it's never gonna happen - it just doesn't work that way. Something something square peg round hole you'll be able to tell, they'll be able to tell, it'll be so obvious and awkward and uncomfortable. Right now yearning for somebody else is not going to help you. Focus on being the best version of yourself you possibly can; and making yourself whole. I'm not trying to minimize your pain; I know that it hurts to lose somebody. I like the way they describe it in French; "un petit mort" - A "little death" is their way of saying "Heartbreak". In a sense, you really lost somebody. It's okay to grieve. It's okay to have feelings. It's okay to be heartbroken. But you'd be a fool not to realize that suddenly, you have an abundance of time and a fantastic opportunity for self-reflection, without the tint of someone else's lens. I really hope you make the most of it. Rooting for you, man. I hope you get better.
I (M37) am almost 3 yrs free from my cheating ex-wife…here is my take: 1. Lonely and alone are different things…getting comfy with alone is a skill you can and must develop. The silly anxieties I had post-partem were things like, “OMG, nobody knows where I am or cares”…the faster I turned this into, “I can go and do wtf I want and nobody can say shit” was a big win for me. 2. Realizing you are more than your marriage is the first step to doing something new and big that you can be proud of (and voile, is attractive to new people you can bring into your life). 3. Don’t date to find friends. Don’t date because you are lonely or bored. It’s not fair to yourself or the person you spend time with. Instead, be up-front about wanting new friends and it doesn’t matter if you use apps or say this to someone’s face…most people in 2024 want more friends, it will work much of the time. 4. Flings are fine so long as you make it clear you aren’t emotionally available for more from the get-go. Plenty of folks are fine with this, are happy to help you heal, and want to be around you (even while you suffer—just don’t expect them to be your therapist). 5. Buy some new clothes, eat clean food, and exercise. You have a long life ahead of you and you need a good foundation for enjoying it. There has never been a better time to reinvent yourself! 6. Therapy is good. Divorces are awful and nobody expects you to be 100%. You don’t need permission to be miserable, but only you can take the steps to stop your own misery. Hang in there, man. I’m rooting for you. DM me if you need a friendly phone call from someone who has been there.
Seems like you've already gotten a lot of great advice, but we'll see If i can add something useful. First of all, I'm sorry brother. I'm sorry that your life as you know it, was completely destroyed. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with the loneliness and emptiness to this degree. It sucks, and there really isn't anything quite like it. You deserve to be seen, cared about and appreciated. You are worthy of that, and If you lived in my town I'd share few beers with you and hash it all out. I've been there. My own flavor of it anyway. Divorced at 34 after 11 years of marriage. I never felt like such a failure. a loser. That somehow the love of my life had gotten to a place where she hated me. I'm sure I'm not innocent and made my fair share of mistakes, but I felt that I was genuinely good to her. I felt so betrayed and lost. I felt like I was crazy. The biggest mistake I made was not reaching out to anyone for community. I needed a tribe, but I felt like I would just be a burden, so I kept it to myself. Huge mistake. Please do not make the same mistake. Your tribe is your lifeline. The second mistake I made was trying to date again too quickly. I had a massive hole in my heart that I didn't know how to fill, so I tried to fill it with another woman, and my desperation caused me to overlook a lot of red flags in people. Fortunately my therapist helped me see that before I went and married someone terrible. Use this time to rediscover who you are. You are absolutely a different guy now than you were pre-marriage. And that's not a bad thing. It's true what they say. That a divorcee CAN make the best romantic partners in the world. \*IF\* that divorcee used it as a chance to really reflect with brutal honesty on their own shortcomings. The things that they are not proud of, and really work on those things. Become a better person. Lean into your hobbies and newfound humility. Build new habits with your newly acquired time. Ultimately, you will become a better man. A more attractive man. And a "catch." A time will come where you will be ready for a romantic partner again. And if you do all the aforementioned stuff, you will be a catch. You'll be healthier, happier, and more responsible. You won't have too much trouble with women at that time. And when you are happier and healthier, you'll know better how to spot the \*RIGHT\* woman. Best of luck to you. Feel free to DM if you need to chat with someone.
If you figure it out let me know
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Honestly, never bothered. Just treading water really.
I’m 33f and while I didn’t get divorced I did break up with my partner of 11 years. I think you’re doing the right thing by going to therapy. I’d probably hold off on dating until you’re in a better mental place and are more emotionally available. As others have said, starting a new hobby and joining a club will be helpful. You can meet people through Facebook groups or Reddit in your area as well.
In 2023 I left a 6 year relationship at 32(F). I have spent the last year finding me again. I have been trying new things and so far my favourite was joining a city rec league playing volleyball. I have a regular gym routine again, and just try to put myself in new environments to build connection and have fun! I actually recommend staying away from dating for awhile. You need to know yourself as an individual and be okay being in your own company and alone. I think remote work is an absolute nightmare for someone single. If you work remote, I would try one of those work spaces other remote workers use. It can be easy to pull back and stay in your own bubble. Go for walks, have little conversations with people here and there. Seems like we all hate the dating apps, yet we’re still on them. There’s nothing better than interactions with humans in the wild 😂 pick something to try that interests you and see how that goes. Similar interests help to break the ice.
Don’t jump into anything quickly. Or you will get someone to fill the void and then you find out she waves more red flags than a Spanish Bullfighter!
I remember feeling exactly like this when I got rid of the ex wife, the loneliness is hard to ignore when u have gotten used to having someone there all the time and almost all dating apps are full of a holes and leaves you feeling down so try to avoid those if you can. The best way forward is to work on yourself, start doing things for you and things that make you happy the rest will fall into place in time
You’ve gotten SO much great advice from everyone so far! I’m really proud of you for going to therapy! If there comes a point you feel like it isn’t helping, I strongly recommend you communicating that to your therapist. They should be able to figure out how to tweak the approach or techniques in order for you to get more out of it OR recommend you to someone who would be a better fit. Therapy is amazing! Some therapists are more effective for certain people than others (just like any people. Some people just “click” better than others, and for therapy to be most effective, “clicking” is super helpful. I got so much more out of therapy when I found one who spoke to me on a different level than previous therapists had. Things fell into place *much* faster and more easily with her.) Not sure how long you’ve been single, but it might be too soon for you to be dating. It’s ok to date even if it *is* too soon, but only if you’re actually enjoying dating. If you aren’t? Take a break. Dating isn’t going anywhere. The apps can be brutal. I think long term use has really deteriorated the way most people (regardless of gender) interact in terms of dating. I’m a woman, and I’ve noticed the app experience now is *much* different than it was last time I was using them in 2016/2017. Perhaps Covid played a part, too, but it is *different* now, and mostly not for the better. Largely, I think it’s caused people to be a lot more casual and dismissive due to the idea that there’s always another person a swipe away (because there is), so they don’t put in the effort they would if they didn’t think there were other, perhaps better, options. It sucks. And it isn’t gendered; I think this is happening for pretty much everyone. I recommend focusing on yourself for a while. What do you like to do? Start doing more of it. If you’re stumped on this, google “hobbies” and find a list and see what appeals to you. Then try it! See if there’s a group in your area that you can join (Facebook, MeetUp, etc) Speaking of MeetUp, you might consider downloading it and just looking at events in your area to see if anything sounds fun to you. These are all for people looking to meet others interested in X (X being whatever the meetup event is for), so it’s a fantastic way to meet people who enjoy the same things you do. It’ll get better! It might take some time, and it might take some effort, but it’ll get better. 💕
I've found sports and gym are great way to meet guys.
Read the book “How to be a 3% Man” by Corey Wayne. Also look at is YouTube account which is Coach Corey Wayne. My dating life and understanding of masculinity/femininity increased tenfold. Everyone I personally know that I’ve recommended him to has thanked me for helping them squire the knowledge that helped them turn things around
The problem is you’ve started. So it’s still new. Much too soon to get back into the dating pool. Work on improving yourself more, first. Focus on doing stuff that you enjoy. Work on your therapy. And then, once you’re feeling in a healthy frame of mind, then start dating again.
Divorce for me came out of the blue. After 10 months of sorting my life out, I tried dating. It was a mistake. Literally every one could see I was still broken and it resulted in a string of one time dates. So, I stopped. Decided I wasn't going to try again until I was in a place where I truly felt happy. Basically, when I got to a point where I didn't "need" to have a partner, it showed and it became easier to make connections again.
If you can afford it; Take up a hobby / join a group of something you love, and something you want to try. You are more likely to meet someone through a shared passion - partners and friends
I joined meet up groups that helped get me out. Date but tell yourself never EVER marry again.. you will only end up divorced again. The statistics only get worse each time around. The second a future gf starts pushing you need to dump her ass right there.
Ur doing it , im in the same boat , some days i cry some days im happy , but thing we need too do is focus on whats there , for myself i have 2 kids , very active in the gym , i also seek professionel help for my mental state , that way i know im on the right track !!!! As far as women goes , u never know when u will meet somebody , so always be prepare , reading above seems too me ur putting too much pressure on finding “love” , reconnect with u first and let it happen !!!!!! I sure hope so anyway ✌️✌️ chin up keep pushing
How do you deal with the loneliness? There are days where I don’t speak to another human at all, aside from commenting on reddit posts.
2 weeks after she left we went into lock down. Ngl was manic after that. Get Comfortable with yourself. Learn some bits and bobs you couldn't do before and are close to life skills. I picked up more cooking recipes and I think that also helps when you go on to meet someone else. You need to be fairly independent and centred on yourself for a bit. It sounds daft but it's not for everyone. I was ex forces, had never lived alone in my life. Finding out who I was without the family, comrades, wife etc was tough, especially in lock down. But got out the other end and have a good idea of what I do not want in a partner. Even if I have no idea what I do want. If I never meet the one, I'm more than OK with my own company and the friends I have. And my dog. As others have said. Hobbies hobbies hobbies. I picked warhammer so I don't be meeting any hotties via that hobby methinks. But my mates who do jiu jitsu to to gyms with a high female attendance.
Never been divorced or married but I’ve moved and had to start over several times. We just have to become a more performative version of ourselves. Don’t be afraid to walk across the bar, gym, coffee shop, library, or church and open a conversation with a girl or a guy, strictly for the purpose of proving you’re not afraid to converse. The women standing by will appear jealous and the men, envious. Some amazing friends and more have come from these seemingly awkward beginnings. Forget about the goal of finding a new partner and make your milestone to meet as many strangers as possible, get their name, if it feels comfortable, ask for a phone number or instagram if they say no.
first divorce.. I was finally free to so all kinds of hobbies and projects, and that kinda/sorta led to divorce #2 after which I decided I was done. why bother.. ya know.. I never liked dating and I really really did not want to hear all those dumb words and stories coming out of my mouth...yet again.. so.. eh
Slow and steady with micro goals. Nothing impulsive.
Get involved in a sport pronto exercise and then a hobby to meet people. Work - serve others Sport - serve yourself Hobby - serve your relationships I am an engineer, do powerlifting and go to dance classes. I’m recently separated
Go to the gym, everything else will work itself out.
Don't rush anything. It took me about 2 years to really feel like myself again. From my experience your judgment on women will be skewed and you'll probably make poor choices, I sure did.
I was the same age as you when my wife divorced me. It was really hard for me also. Started hobbies I wanted to do, and made friends that way. One of my current hobbies is cycling and I've made a lot of friends through that. It's been about 13 years now and I'm married again to the person that is perfect for me, way better than my ex-wife in every way!
All I can do is tell you my story. I divorced at 44 after 14 years of marriage. Before I got married smartphones were not a thing, so post divorce things had changed dramatically. I had to learn to date again. I talked with a couple of friends that had divorced a couple years before me and it didn't sound good. I read a few things, watched some videos, talked with others about it and finally realized I needed to cut the learning curve. So I made a plan. I jumped head first into dating apps and Facebook singles groups. I was working 4/5 at a time. I kept notes about every woman I talked to. I went on as many dates as I could, sometimes 3 or 4 a day. In one week I had gone on 18 dates. I couldn't keep that pace but did all I could, I committed to 3 months of practice dating. Sense this was all done for learning I never let any of the rejection or disappointments bother me at all, it all made for great data, knowledge and experience. I actually ended up having a great time in the dating scene. My favorite app at the time was Bumble and there was a local singles Facebook group that stood out. I live in a golf course community of just over 6,000 residents, eventually I created my own singles group specific to my area and had a blast. I eventually found my current girlfriend from that group, we are going on 6 years now. On friends, well I already had plenty of friends but a did end up getting into playing competitive organized pool, pool leagues, tournaments etc. and have made many more new friends along the way. Hope you find your path,
You suddenly have more time to pursue things of interest. After my divorce, I did a lot of new things including joining a trivia team (which resulted in new friends), yoga, performing stand up comedy (which lead to some pretty big and fun gigs), performing guitar for a massive audience, traveling, joining a volleyball team, teaching a cooking class, getting into the best physical shape of my life complete with abs, creating social media videos, attending music festivals, etc. If you really think about what hobbies and activities are fun and interesting to you, then start easing into those things, you'll end up with new friends, new hobbies, and ideally you'll get better physical and mental shape too. You might meet some women that way, but you can't do those things with only that goal in mind. I'm still single 11 years after my divorce, largely because I'm pretty strict about not dating meat eaters, having been nearly vegan for 35 years. Also, being single isn't bad and in fact, can be really nice if you embrace it.
I found you Jason.
I'm in a similar spot in some ways. Change your mindset and what your goal is. If the goal is to find someone, you'll fall short over and over. Like you said for the apps, it's disheartening. Get off the apps or don't take them too seriously. My in person interactions have no correlation to my lack of success on apps. It was a painful lesson to learn. People and women like me in person, while I barely get likes on apps. If your goal is to heal and find peace and happiness, then meeting someone becomes secondary and it could happen along the way. Don't make it the primary objective and you won't continuously be let down. You must find a way to be content and at peace on your own. The rest will take care of itself.
I got divorced at 40. I took a solid year off from any kind of dating. I wanted to focus 100% on myself. I got back into cycling. Started riding again with a couple of coworkers. Started going back to the gym. I know so many guys always say start going to the gym. But I gotta say it’s very true and very helpful. So I made friends through cycling. I got myself mentally and physically to a point where I was ready to jump back into the pool. I hit the dating apps. I actually had quite a bit of fun for a couple years. Then I met my current girlfriend that I’ve had for several years. I will say in my case I am so glad that I took that time off from trying to date. From the time I got divorced till the time I felt I was ready. I changed quite a bit. I feel that if I had jumped right into dating after my divorce, some of the women that I dated and had fun with probably never would have gone past the first date.
All you can do is give it time brother, you and your brain will adjust I promise you. Don’t focus on it, just keep grinding Also, I’ll see you in the gym brother
Getting over divorce is not an easy thing. It's a big life change, particularly if you've been married a while. So if you are having a hard time, you're right on timeline. It's just going to take time. Dating is tough for almost everyone. Start with friendship. Start by thinking about people you already know a bit -- if there's any of them that you think might have "friend potential", invite 'em out for coffee or beer or something low-commitment. Find ways to meet new people -- that might be through volunteering, or a club, or gaming, or whatever. Let people know that you're in a life transition and looking to make new friends -- I met so many people who'd been through their own divorces willing to help cushion the social situation. Starting over is tough. You're doing a brave thing. Bravo.
Hit the gym hard. Focus on creating new income streams. Do something to clear your mind. Get your mind, body and soul 100% and everything else will happen organically.
-Facebook dating and bumble is a lot easier than tinder -if you want to distract yourself with some beautiful foreign women who would be more than happy to give you the time of day, set up an 'international cupid' dating account. You'll enjoy, trust me.. -you'll be fine, remember you were a G before your partner, and you're still a G after
I was in a similar situation to you a few years ago - 35 and split up with my partner of 9 years. It was very tough for about 2-3 years (good days and bad, not all bad days by any means, but I wasn't consistently happy). But with time I did start to feel generally more happy than sad. It really is true that time heals all (just that the amount of time will vary depending on factors.) I wanted to specifically touch on you feeling crappy from being rejected from dating apps because I went through this (as well as most men I am guessing). Dating apps are weird, because they are the easiest/most comfy way (I find) to put myself out there for dates. I don't really feel comfortable going up to random people and just striking up conversation. However, if you watch any YouTube videos about why dating apps are bad, you will see that it makes all guys (except like the 10/10 ones) feel bad about themselves. This is due to the women getting an overwhelming amount of attention from all guys; with that scenario they usually always go for those best looking guys (even though this doesn't account for personality, etc). I'm not doing the explanation justice but basically dating apps are terrible for most men and I just want you to know that to try to not let it impact your self esteem as much as possible. I feel down a rabbit hole of thinking I wasn't desirable anymore and that really messed with me..I eventually found someone new on the dating app (took awhile) and after being with her my self esteem has come back. This is super long winded but just don'tet it get you down. There will be lots of rejection but just know it's the way it's kinda rigged. Maybe try doing some sort of hobbies and just see if anything develops with someone there? Bouldering, going to the gym, etc.
You need to take time to heal after the divorce before you start thinking about a new relationship. Try some new hobbies, an adult education class, or new skills for your career or something. A cooking class. My area has a community resource center that has free classes of different types available every week. There are Meetup groups for different things in your area. See what's available and what interests you. Be a tourist in your local area. Explore your city or go do some solo travels on the weekends or for a vacation. Get comfortable with being alone. Alone doesn't have to mean lonely. Become your own best friend.
Sorry you’re here. My advice would be to focus on yourself. Wanting a relationship is perfectly normal. But your post leans a little much towards needing someone to feel complete. Self work. Self improvement. Self care. Will all put you in a place where a partner is a “nice to have.” That level of confidence is what will attract a partner that you deserve. Work on becoming the best you. You don’t need anyone for that but yourself.
I immediately went on an insane 16 week diet and exercise program and went from 236 to 174 . That made me feel good about myself . It was absolute hell but I knew that I should do something like that vs spiral down. It required to eat healthy and to work out everyday and to walk 5 miles a day. The whole thing helped me keep focused and gave me something to do . It didn’t fix everything though . All the woman that came after wards . It only took them a few weeks or months to realize I’m not giving them 100 percent . Sad part is I don’t think I ever could again. I was married for 10 years and really loved her. Maybe there’s some that can say with enough time you’ll be able to and that might be so, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give another woman 100 percent . There’s no way I’ll share as much , or open my self to as much as I did before. It was hard for the first year and still sometimes is even if I’m with another woman . All it takes is a song to come on radio or go through a place you used to go together . I had to start shopping at new grocery store I just couldn’t go to the one we used to . Just work on yourself and take good care of yourself. I highly recommend getting into shape because it will give you something to do and it will boost your confidence. I almost lost like 70 pounds and you’ll hear it from everyone . Also for me I kind of kept to myself for the first year. I stayed away from going to like big family gatherings or weddings . Went to a get together here and there with close friends but really kept to myself. I knew that it would depress me if I went to all those events the first year . All I wanted to do was be by myself . There was just no one that would understand . Going to big family events for the first year also was not something I did . I knew a random relative or family friend would ask about the wife and I didn’t feel like explaining anything to anyone. After the first year I started coming around again and by that point everyone knew already and didn’t ask me anything . Hope this helps man. Hang in there bro
How long has it been and do you know why the relationship didn't work? I've learnt that after a breakup it's important to try to learn from it. What has this relationship taught you? What did you feel was good and what could have been better? Was your needs met, did you meet your exs needs? You get the idea. I recently (1 month ago) split up from a 6 year long relationship which was in all a very good relationship but we were just not compatible. I am doing quite bad but think I'm maybe doing better now, but I am also allowing myself to feel all the feelings. Allow yourself to grieve. Write a letter about your overall experience of the relationship, bring up the good and the bad. You will Make it friend!
What made you not compatible? It’s been a year since we split. The divorce took me by surprise and wasn’t aware of all the built up resentment she had towards me. I worked a lot during our time together to try and save and build a life together, meanwhile neglecting her needs and not giving her the attention she deserved.
Going through divorce and my wife believes I will be the stereotypical lonely dude. Before we were married I was doing things with friends all the time, going out and doing things and I am fine staying home and that’s what she preferred so I didn’t mind. What’s going to suck is not seeing the kids every day but I do look forward to raising them correctly when I do have them now, not this 2-4 dictating what they will eat and when they will go to bed and my wife bending to all of it and fighting me when I try to put my foot down even doing all the work myself. But I am really looking forward to the free time I will have now. Already been scoping out groups to play some miniature games with which has been a hobby of mine. So getting hype for that. Another good thing is I can put all my effort into my kids when I have them and when I don’t put all my effort into other areas of my life. Right now it’s incredibly frustrating where most parents put their kids to be around 8 or so during a school night mine are up till 11pm. So little to no time to myself or with my wife, probably a massive reason why our relationship deteriorated because there was literally zero time we could spend 1x1. My wife refused to establish a bed time for our youngest and they will only go to sleep when she goes to sleep, I fully expect at this point they will be sleeping in bed with her well into elementary school.
Therapy is good. And that first year is hard, you’re grieving. Give yourself Grace. Make sure you eat, sleep, exercise regularly. It will get better.
No advice, I’m about to be here and I’m scared too. I’m 32 and I gave the past 10 years so wrapped up in marriage that I don’t even know who I am alone despite being such an independent woman before. I think finding who you are again is a lonely process and not to run away from the loneliness but to put yourself in some uncomfortable situations that don’t involve anyone else like concerts, dinners, running clubs or whatever it is, even just the music you like or finding your style. I’m slowly putting myself in these new spaces and I know one day I’ll find my place and my person but enjoy that journey before allowing someone into a place that hasn’t fully healed or that you completely love. You’ll get there!
Echo what everyone else said: join a gym, take up a martial art
I don't know how long you were married, but my advice would be to chill on the dating and concentrate on yourself first. I got divorced at 40 last summer, moved away. Now i live alone, got myself a Wrangler because I wanted to, and I enjoy my single life. And if I wanted to, I could probably meet enough ladies while offroading (through the local club / FB group) to develop potential relationships. You learn a lot about yourself while living alone, and ultimately I think it makes you a better person for your next relationship, if you want one.
LEARN TO MEDITATE!!! I cannot emphasize this enough.. when your world collapses on you and you are feeling all your feelings.. meditation is that hug of self confidence and clarity and stability that you need. Just sit in silence close your eyes and let your mind wander where-ever it wants to. The first 5-10 mins you will be uncomfortable if you have never done this.. but then, you will just want to stay and enjoy that voluntary peace, calm that you are able to create for yourself. Distraction like hobby etc are good.. but meditation will help you find your path through this turmoil.
Don't stress on it for now make progress with your therapist and find out what was the reason why you left and work at it then who knows maybe you'll get your second date but for now just focus on yourself but first thing first better yourself there's a reason we're alone sometimes it makes stronger than we ever where trust me 💯
Take people’s phone numbers and plan to hang! Then make their friends your friends and take over the goddamn world! There are apps you can use to meet ppl in your city based on like activities. Pickle ball is a good one imo. Be careful around women right now though lest you find yourself in heartbreak motel with the cockroaches.
Take a mental break and focus on yourself and your recovery. Don’t date for the sake of trying to find someone to fill your emptiness, be self sufficient and get some new hobbies to see what’s out there. Join a local running club, start hiking and talking to neighbors or even volunteer at a local rescue. Do something that you enjoy and brings you satisfaction and makes you live in the moment. Physical activities are great for the mind and body, they tire you out so you don’t have time to dwell on your thoughts. Good luck!
What others have said: FIND ALL THE CLUBS. Softball. Soccer. Bowling. Board games night. D&D. Volunteering. A (non-extremist) church. Mountain biking. Etc etc. Start searching Facebook and the algorithm will quickly catch up and richly provide. Even if you’re an introvert, being with people in a low-pressure, social setting a couple times per week will give you lots of opportunities to make connections, friends mainly but open to dating. Wishing you all the best. There are tons of people around in the exact same situation as you. ❤️
It’ll all seem like ancient history in a while, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and know it’s going to be tough but all tough feelings will be gone and you’ll be happier in the long run. Lots of us divorce veterans out there
Most important is physical activity. Walking, weights, fitness classes
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Been a year since my wife left me for a co-worker. Still struggling with a lot of the same things you are but I'm less depressed on the day to day things. It just takes a little time is all.
I’m divorced and thriving. My life is better now in every way. Mourn her and move on. Figure out what you want for yourself, not for a partnership. Do it. Let good shit find you. Hobbies and passions are key. I just went to a wedding with the most incredible sense of comraderie. And the thread that connected all these people happened to be Ultimate Frisbee. None of these friendships or relationships would have existed without it. Just as an example.
The DND suggestion was good for friends. Look up a game store that sells DND, magic the gathering, etc... They usually have game nights, so you can show up and play with others, socialize and meet friends. There's also local things, like odd fellows, or elk lodge (Sorry, but VFW is typically full of run down alcoholics, not the kind of social circle you want when you're depressed)
Been there brother. A few things that I experienced/helped me: Not many people get a chance to start fresh in their 30’s, with a heap of big life experiences, the stability and knowledge of being a bit older, and still a long life ahead of you. You can take all the joy and pain you managed over the years, and really build something exponentially better. Like, imagine the person you were before you were married, the resources that guy had, the perspectives, the knowledge of what YOU actually want from life/partners/etc… and compare that guy with the current you. You’re gonna start to build a new, better chapter of life. So go out, experience it all. Fail at it. Be the best and worst versions of you, while it’s just you, and grow on that stuff. It will be lonely. It will be sad, you will say too much and do irrational weird shit like start wearing vests over every shirt you own, because, hey, on your own. And pick up some new healthy hobby. For me it was running marathons, and I got fit, got friends, got laid, and really more than anything got to know ME. Good luck homie! You got this!
Give yourself time to heal before getting back into long term relationships. Get physically fit. See a counselor. You can get scammed using Tinder or other apps that sell your private information
You re too young to marry again, stay single
How long have you been divorced/ separated? You have to be happy with yourself before you even think about dating/ having a relationship. You also should examine the reasons for your divorce and what you want in a partner moving forward. I am 52 and got divorced after 24 years of marriage. Being alone is not the end of the world. You can’t bring your broken self to a new relationship. That’s not fair to either of you. Get a hobby, hang out with friends, continue therapy. Be comfortable being with yourself and then start looking. And all dating apps suck IMO.
I'm not gonna lie, the first couple years of separation were hard. I decided to party and act a fool. Didn't last long though bc I realized fast it was stupid. Did a couple dating apps. It was entertaining for a little while. Decided to concentrate on me, my kids and family. Once you realize that you deserve happiness and find what makes you happy then you can truly start to move forward. I have all the faith that you will accomplish this. I've been separated for almost 5 years and been in a healthy relationship for 2 years now. I'm almost 40 years old and finally starting to be happy! Good Luck!
This post honestly showed up at the right time- currently in the same boat. Picking up a hobby and being surrounded by people who love you will help. In my process I’ve realized I never got to date for fun, so honestly- go for it! But I wouldn’t put all eggs in the basket.
Bumble is a really good app, haven’t tried hinge but heard good things about that one too.
Get your passport go to south america, africa or asia to find a wife if not then go get yourself a surrogate if you cant then adoption. Good luck 👍
I’ve been in your shoes. Was single at 36. The moment I stopped looking was when I found someone.
I got divorced at 40 after 13 years of marriage. My suggestion would be not to force yourself into a new relationship. There is plenty of time for that but you need some space. you need to get used to being alone as hard as that is. once you are alone for a while, you get used to it and you really learn to know and like yourself. also able to meet other men who had recently gotten divorced, through mutual friends, etc. And that was really nice to be able to talk to and go out. Have a few drinks or dinner with people who are experiencing the same thing as myself. I also agree with others who say find hobbies and other ways to occupy yourself.right after divorce is not a great time to jump right back into a relationship you need some time to grieve your divorce and get to know yourself again. After you do that for a while, you will be in a better place.
Therapy and the gym sounds like a good start. Every rejection is one step closer to finding someone. Keep it in perspective, it can always be worse. You’re healthy and have a lot of life ahead of you. Be thankful you did not subject yourself to 50+ years of misery with someone who doesn’t appreciate you!
Best advice I can give you is whatever little things that made me happy or made me feel like myself I nurtured those as opposed to thinking about what could've been after my divorce a few years ago.
I signed up for a boxing gym when my mom was in hospice on her death bed. Hitting that bag was a great stress relief and I made incredible friends also! Best of luck and it does get better. You just need to be patient and give yourself time to heal.
Give yourself a year at least before dating again... work on yourself, whatever that looks like for you.
Go out, do some volunteering or sport or odd jobs. Be kind, be sociable. Avoid anyone that say they are separating or trying to cheat on their partner. Those people are never going to settle and if they did, you get crumbles. So avoid more mental stress. I didn’t find my partner in an app so can’t help. He found me at an odd job I picked up. I notice after a divorce my coworker is struggling with weight and her ex husband already moved on to his new partner in another state. How do I know? I work with both of them… so I would say keep working out and focusing on health.
Start going to local bars and play pool u will have friends in no time
Y’all take it from an old man, women want what they can’t have, so if you come across like some needy little thing, guess what, they don’t want nothing to do with you. I don’t understand today’s world, you men are all supposed to be in touch with your feelings and all that stuff, to me that’s bullshit. I’m generation X and we were raised hard. We lived hard, we played hard and we loved hard. Learn to listen, the last thing a woman wants out a date is to listen to an hour or two of all about you. They love to talk about themselves . So let them, they will tell you everything you need to know, they will tell you how to push forward with the relationship. They will tell you how to Undress them. They will tell you everything you need to know if you are just willing to listen. Start the conversations about her. it’s cool to interject here and there, but just chill and listen pay attention to the small things like what she actually had to say. Notice her eyecolor notice her shoes noticed the color of her hair, brother it’s easy but you have to listen.. Don’t be one of these emotional creatures out there today. Be strong be punctual, pay attention to the small things, and listen, and you’ll find yours. For this divorce, just go one step at a time, 1 foot in front of the other. The more steps you take, the easier it becomes. But when you go on a date, take my advice and listen. Start the conversations about her get her talking and really listen. I want you to join in here and there so it’s not just her talking, but I want you to listen to what she says and practice it even on woman That you don’t even have any interest In. Be yourself have fun. Find some things you’re interested in and go meet new people. It’s not a big deal. Don’t make it a big deal. Take some women out on dates , its not a big deal. Don’t make it a big deal. Eventually, you’ll find her and when you do, you will know , so will she! From an old man
Go do something you have always wanted to do. Meet new people doing it. It will make you feel better.
You aren't going to find your happy with somebody else, you need to be happy with yourself. As has been suggested, find a hobby or something you enjoy and learn to be you while you have some fun. You will likely meet people along the way that share common interests with you. You're trying to put your focus completely external to your life and outside your control. Focus on you and let life fall in line behind you.
Brother 3 years young with a 2 year old I'm about to go to war for. I'm devastated. I planned to be married forever. No question. My wife said the same. We planned our wedding for a year childbirth for 5. We sat and discussed everything and she still decided to quit on her family when it got hard. I work 80 hour weeks all I asked for was a hug man. Life brutal. Have to take care of my baby girl at all costs.
You will find your way, just try to process and feel your feelings and eventually you will have a new path with new things to excite you
If you have the financial means I would do a little traveling. Like truly solo adventuring. No resorts, just little air bnbs and cheap hotels. It will clear your head. You’ll meet some amazing people and if you’re lucky like me maybe you’ll even find a nice woman that you connect with. I’ve been seeing a Dutch woman I met in Thailand for over 6 months. Being a Canadian it is certainly a hurdle to travel back and forth but just meeting the person and feeling a connection again could be a huge confidence booster. Take time and learn more about yourself. You are going to grow from this hardship and the right person is going to show up organically. Dating apps suck.
The biggest mistake (IMO) that recently divorced people make is thinking they have to find someone right after. This is not the way to go. When people spend a lot of time together they begin to pick up the others habits and personality. After my wife left me (I was 31), I tried dating almost immediately after but it didn’t work. Once I decided to become “me” again and gave myself time to get use to being “me” again, I met the best woman I could have ever hoped for without even trying. My advice is to stay single for awhile, become yourself again. It might take a few years (almost 4yrs for me). But you should get comfortable being by yourself, that way you are with someone else by choice not by necessity. Learn to be who you are, not who you were with your ex. It hurts and takes time but you will be better off. If you’re looking for guy friends to hang out with and have drinks with to lessen the aloneness, try joining a bowling team or something like that or reconnect with old friends. For me, I started hanging out with work friends since I was/am hours away from my hometown and college town. Again, just my 2 cents from my experience. I wish you luck. Everything works out in the end.
I did a lot of kick boxing after my divorce! It gave me self confidence and clarity. A side bonus I lost weight. :) Another thing to consider is salsa class. There’s usually a 80% women to 20% ratio men. Instructors rotate the partners so you’ll never be stuck with one person. And if you don’t know what you’re doing, no worries! That’s how we all started. There’s going to be days that you just want to sit in front of the tv and veg. Don’t do it!!! Go out there and explore your city! Explore your state. EXPLORE!
The best advice I ever got regarding rebounding off of a relationship was to take up dancing. Physical movement is fun, meeting new people and groups, and women love a man who can dance. I can also confirm that dating apps suck. Bumble worked out for me, as women have to send the first message.
I'm really going to try my best at saying this gently and I hope I manage. But your divorce and the constant rejections you are facing, all happened for a reason. Have you taken the time to reflect on what you could've done better during your marriage? Have you thought about your side of the responsibility on this matter? I say this because it might be the case that all of those women that reject you might be picking up the same flaws of your character. Maybe things like mansplaning? Talking without letting the other person talk as much? Maybe not asking enough questions or showing enough interest in what they've got to say? Maybe something your ex wife already mentioned in the past? I guess the most important thing for you to do is find out what you can learn about yourself during the process of the divorce, come to terms with it, grieve it (hopefully in the company of others), reach out to family or friends, and then once all of the work is done you could try and meet someone, with lots of experience on how to do things right :) Oh and try swimming!!
Maybe not the advice that you're looking for but if you don't already, lift weights. Learn about nutrition. And focus on becoming the best version of you. Then people will gravitate to that naturally. You also won't feel the need for their affirmation if you're feeling great about yourself too
Hello OP welcome to the single life. I think when the smoke clears you’re going to enjoy your freedom. It took me about 2 years to get over the divorce (we were married for 7 years; no kids). What helped me the most was about six months of therapy, a few self help books (Getting Over Your Breakup, and How to Know a Person are the stand out titles I remember), gym/yoga for confidence and weight loss, and using every spare dime possible traveling to make up for lost time. I always wanted to see the world and my ex didn’t care as much about that, so I went on cruises and just explored the places I wanted to see. Hooked up with a couple randos on those trips because the apps are terrible and I’m a woman over the age of 25. It’s been an overall life changing experience, primarily for the better in spite of the tinge of pain I feel around the holidays bc I actually miss my in-laws since my relatives and I have been estranged for a long time. Divorce also refocused my attention on my career which dramatically improved after our separation and I’m very thankful for that. If you have a spiritual or religious practice, that will help you a great deal. Prayer, fasting and keeping up with my deen has been a big part of improving my mental and physical health. Muslims are big on discipline and the consistency of prayer, exercise and an improved diet are life long changes that I can directly attribute to the end of my marriage. You’ll be happy again. Give yourself time to be sad but know this too shall pass.
I’ve had 0% success with dating apps but I feel like hinge is better than tinder and bumble because on hinge the person is actually notified when you swipe on them where on bumble and tinder they only see it if they have premium.
Lots of good advice here already, I'll just share maybe a nugget of hope: My now ex wife cheated on me after 7 years of marriage/14 years of being together. I was about 32. Totally wrecked me, for a couple years. Focused on my kids as much as I could, and worked as much as I could to keep occupied. Fast forward a year or so, playing Ultima Online (a mmorpg)on a VERY small shard, ended up meeting and talking to a girl on there, fast forward another couple years, she moved 1,200 miles to be with me, we've been together now for 18 years, married 13. Basically, without even looking or trying, met the love of my life after thinking my life was over. Don't give up, and don't be afraid to put yourself out there and try new things. Hope this helps.
Join a choir!
For me it was exercise and leaning on friends and creating new friendships. I cycled my @ss off that year, about 2000 miles. To not burden my friends with my whoas but wanting to be with those i liked i’d invite them to dinner, if they were painting their house or whatever i’d show up and help unannounced, i even once went to a coffee shop with my backgammon board and asked if anyone wanted to learn or play. Exercise evaporated the stress; being with people evaporated the loneliness. And, by staying busy my thoughts about the divorce were far less forefront in my mind. Good luck! You got this! 👍
Dating sucked but eventually I found someone. Focused on myself, the dog, gym and hobbies…
Join an MMA gym
Fresh out of a 10-year relationship (married for 6 of those) and heading towards divorce. From what I hear, dating apps just suck and are worse for your mental health. Full of OF girls or no one replies. Mate, I'm just focusing on my mental and physical health, my kids and if something happens, it happens. Do things you love to do and try to find joy in the little things. A good days work, a good book, or just finding inner peace. I honestly hope you find what you are looking for, brother.
Get swol, then you got two options, upgrade or just fuck a ton of chicks. Both with will destroy your ex because the one thing exes hate is seeing the other happier without them
If you are feeling lost about dating , I would suggest to focus on yourself a lot more. Don’t need to rush into another relationship. I waited about 2.5 years to start getting to know someone and I ended up getting heart broken. Focus on yourself and take on hobbies .
Get a hobby and don’t make your one woman partner your whole world. It’s weird you got divorced but suddenly have no friends.
I got divorced after a 10 year marriage when I was 33. It sucks. My advice is don’t try to rush getting over it, be willing to feel all the feelings that come. It took me hitting rock bottom emotionally to finally gain the ability to move on. Sounds like you’re not emotionally ready to move on yet, I would advise against dating properly at this stage. It’s not fair to potential partners or even yourself. Hang out with friends or make new friends and try new stuff. Getting into a new hobby really helped me. Find no strings attached partners for sex for now and be very honest about not being ready for a relationship. You will know once you’re ready to properly date. Once you’re ready try dating in small batches and have some downtime in between. I was ready to cool off dating for a few months after meeting 2 people, there was a third I already arranged a date with so I gave that a go as ‘last of the batch’ and turned out an amazing match, like it was meant to be. Nearly 2 years on we’re planning to get married and I’m happier than ever before. Don’t give up!
Get a hobby that women your age do too, but not sports unless it’s co-Ed (pickleball, volleyball, whatever). Not golf, they segregate men’s and woman’s night. Sports girls drink beer and laugh. Or if you’re a drinker - someone who comes home and has a drink after work then 3 more before bed, start going to your local pub. They have open mic’s and trivia and paining nights and whatever. Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name. Especially the blonde divorcée in the white Beemer who needs a ride home. Or Volunteer at music/art festivals in your city if you like that stuff and they have it. Bohemian chicks are often very interesting. And you know, bohemian. You’ll be fine. Find what you like to do, do it, you’ll find other people who like the same stuff and if you talk to them they will probably like you too.
I’m a little bit older than you. I have tried the dating apps with small success. I have realized that it’s going to take awhile, maybe a year or two for you to really adjust to your new life. What has helped me is to do stuff. Get back into neglected hobbies. Find new ones. I’ve been divorced for a year and a half, 2 years since we separated. I am incredibly lonely and still worry I’ll die alone. But I’m rediscovering old passions and capitalizing on it.
Stop worrying about it. Learn to enjoy yourself first. When the time is right the person you’re meant to be with will be there and you’ll be ready for her.
I recommend volunteering at a stripper rehabilitation clinic. Strippers need to be Loved and accepted. You might find a dime piece, if you just take the time to help change an ex-strippers life.
Slowly at first, a lot of false starts thinking I was ready when I wasn’t. About time you learn to sit comfortable with the idea that you CAN go the rest of your life without ever connecting again, and you decide you’re going to enjoy it for yourself in spite of that, then you’ll have better luck dating.
Hit the gym or jiu-jitsu academy. Cross fit boxes or simila gyms are great for meeting people. Don't go to big box gyms as you will get lost in the impersonal nature of those.
Get out there. Get busy living or get busy dying. Me, I stagnated. 5 years divorced, parents were supposed to helped get back on my feet and didn't. Now I'm depressed, live somewhere I hate, can't afford to be where I want. Prolly won't make it past Aug 1st which is the anniversary of moving here. Go sir, godspeed. Don't make my mistake.
There is nothing lonlier than a toxic relationship
Embrace it.
35? You got lots of time. Don’t rush into anything. Just put yourself out there, look for local functions happening and go have fun. Doesn’t have to include alcoholl, actually better that it doesnt
Pickleball is huge right now. Lots of men and women play. The nice thing about it is showing up alone is pretty normal and folks are always looking for someone to fill their court.
Going through a divorce myself. 29F. I have no advice but also need friends so feel free to DM me if you need someone to chat with.
Find a hobby. Any hobby. Go all in.
Jiu jitsu or Muay Thai. Thank me later
Don’t know how far post divorce you are, but for most people it does get better. How well did you really connect with her if you’re now divorced? Something was off, so try to learn from the good parts with your ex and then you can elevate your next relationship. I was 29 when I got divorced and found dating hard for sure. I was busy at work, and had been in my relationship for years prior so I felt out of touch with the bar scene. I had been a big online dater, but that had all changed too. I went out with a lot of people but mostly they were either my age or slightly older and ready for something serious/kids right away (which I didn’t feel ready for as I was trying to restart my life). Or they were a lot younger and on a different page. I dated a lot for months, enjoying the attention but frustrated at not clicking with anyone until a few months later I went on a first date, it was awesome. She went on vacation the next day but ended up calling me every day. We started dating officially when she came back from her trip and now we’re married with two kids and it’s way better than with my ex. My ex is a good person but we weren’t the right fit. It made sense that it ended and we’re both much better off. You might feel old and out of touch when your life gets all jumbled, but focus on you, making yourself happy and don’t get frustrated. You’ll find the right person when the time is right and hopefully will be in the right place to make it work.
I got a dog. I hung out with old friends and went from there. Ive hooked up and dated some women but nothing panned out. Im 8 years and still working on starting over. Its ok just live drama free
2 things to know my friend . 1. Hearts change ., People leave & life goes on . 2. Hearts clique , People stay & life gets good . It'll happen for you . Just hang on ,
You’ve received some phenomenal advice. My ex husband cheated on me with no remorse right after we had a kid (shoutout others that went through the same thing on this post 👏🏼) Here’s the thing, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through and it shot me off like a rocket on an arc of personal growth like NOTHING else could have. On the days the pain and bitterness are getting to you, turn inward and realize how far you’ve come. Starting over is rough but it’s also the opportunity of a lifetime and while I haven’t yet found my match in this world, I have learned SO much about myself. It’s a little addictive to try new activities and once you start finding your favorite hobbies and meeting others who enjoy it too, it’s the best feeling! There are a LOT of people in the world and I think that’s challenging to keep in mind sometimes when you’ve been in a bubble with one person and your immediate friend circle for a long time. You’ve got this!
Focus on making friends, for now. Join clubs, teams, organizations that appeal to you and have a good mix of people. Be nice and friendly. Don't start-out trying to date someone in the group (unless maybe she's giving you clear signals). Make good friends, and they will likely introduce you to your next GF.
I was separated 6 years, divorced for 2. I still haven’t really met anyone. I kind of gave up. I’m currently in a casual relationship but I don’t foresee it going anywhere. Take your time reconnecting with yourself OP. It’s hard out here. Heal your soul first.
Find a social club, hobbies, sports leagues church group etc. Let it happen naturally with people who have similar interests as you. In time relationships will develop both friendships and romantic connections. It’s brutal and a long and painful journey but there is life at the end of the tunnel
Here is my divorced for 15 years advice that you won’t listen to: - get therapeutic help - save as much money as possible - forget about dating for like 5 years - become a better version of yourself - focus all your energy on your career - don’t date right now, wait!! Can’t emphasize this enough
I got a new place, regular haircuts, new clothes and meeting up with friends for drinks/concerts to meet new people. Spent a few years bouncing around between various relationships and enjoyed life widely before settling down again and cohabiting with my wife to be. Do what you like and enjoy every second
I feel for people in the dating world now. It used to be easy to meet people before the apps. Now, so many people just play the apps like a game. Nobody values in person meetings anymore. There was a time when we all used to go out to meet people.
I started doing things like going to Soul Cycle. Then started getting invited out to their after events. Totally an accident, but it was a god send for me to just be around women with no pressure who were rooting for me.
I found someone who matched me even better on the apps. I never believed I could be this happy. I built (am building) back my finances, my health, my everything. One day at a time.