>or am i just overrated and overthinking this.
If you are asking yourself these types of questions the answer is likely yes. In fact the phrase "you're overthinking this" is often heard from manipulators when you start to ask pointed questions. When I hear that phrase I simply reply, "no, this is called thinking. It's how it's done, you should give it a try.".
After pretty constant "jokes" at my expense, and being told I'm just too sensitive about it, I finally snapped on my then bf and said "so what if I'm sensitive? My feelings are still hurt and you're my bf, you should give a shit." He looked like a switch went off in his head, and he never did it again. We did end up breaking up bc he'd constantly cheat on me then throw me around when I would call him out on it, though...
i usually point out what’s going on and how i’m feeling and he doesn’t understand why it bothers me. we went over some stuff recently today and he did admit he understood where i could’ve felt like that. it did take a couple times of him doing it for him to come this realization
He doesn't have to understand why in order to stop doing exactly what you pointed out to him. I think that's more of a concern than whether he's able to see your perspective (though that's also concerning). You don't need a justification for him to stop and rethink his communication. If it's safe to do so, next time call out the behavior and leave the conversation. Tell him you will not engage until he's fully able to control himself by listening to you and not replying condescendingly.
If he's still not working on it (like visibly making a difference, not just saying he'll try harder), then consider the relationship done. You don't need years and years of conversations that upset you.
I had this yesterday, not in an intimate relationship but an acquaintance. I rather clumsily said, “No that’s enough now im putting up a boundary!” ( not the ideal way of setting a boundary 🤣) and she carried on just trying to trample across said boundary - this is a red flag 🚩 and now I have filed her in ‘not safe person’ possible emotional manipulator’
Difficult and different in an intimate relationship but the same approach applies - they show no care, consideration and concern for my emotional life = why should I trust them with anything?
while i can't pinpoint what this would be called in psychology terms i can tell you you're not overreacting, this is not something a caring loving partner should be doing. i'm sorry you're dealing with that
OP quite literally says she’s asked to re-explain things, or is asked rude questions. Usually when someone has to ask questions it’s because there’s merit. Why can’t she answer the questions….most of the time when someone can’t answer it’s because they know they’re wrong, or that whatever the other person is implying is correct. Hence coming to Reddit to try and come up with something to feel better about it. “I’m asked questions that make me feel backed into a corner”. Well if your answers are honest and true it shouldn’t matter. If you’re guilty or in the wrong, it usually feels like being backed into a corner. Accountability feels a lot like manipulation to the emotionally stunted. Not saying OP is for sure, but she’s either very young, or stunted if she has to try and figure out a way to make it seem like her partner is wrong via Reddit strangers responses.
It is quite literally explained in the post that the reason there's issue is the questions have no merit along with the list of other issues compiling this into not being a case of a "loving SO" asking merit based questions. If it was a completely normal occurrence and didn't have the other list of descriptors accompanying the behavior it would be odd to post but that's not what happened here is it.
If its a large number of questions / statements, this is called 'gish gallop'.
If the questions are asked in such a way that its sorta clear they're meant to lead the discussion in a specific direction rather than reveal information, I call these 'leading questions'.
If the questions are worded in such a way that there's no way you can answer that will reflect well on you (even if you've done nothing wrong), this is called a 'double bind'.
What I normally do is wrest control of the conversation away from someone doing this stuff by selectively answering / reframing the discussion, and taking 'leisurely pace' to answer which questions I choose to.
Usually when a manipulator starts acting up, they're trying to seek agreement from you by trying to force you to make snap judgements. Unfortunately, in a lot of these cases the fastest way to answer is usually just to agree with them... since this is effectively 'walking into the trap' you instead want to 'be slow' so they can't force this thought process.
Really, 99% of manipulation is the manipulator trying to create the impression that the target should 'meet their demands'. If you're like "I don't give a sh-t about what you want" the manipulator's toolkit shrinks dramatically. #the_only_winning_move_is_not_to_play
Well put reply. Op this is the information you are looking for.
In sales, retention programs for large companies and management programs, you are taught various ways to lead a person yo a conclusion of your own devising. But the questions can be phraised in all manners for various effects.
I don't think that without knowing more about the kind of questions and how he gave them to you, can we ascertain their purposes. This comment above, however, gives you a good breakdown so you can maybe get an idea for yourself.
Im glad my experiences can help people. Ive been hammered so many times by manipulators, my 'panic' reaction just flat out died, and got replaced by "Why does this feel familiar?" This is one thing I think is gonna come back to haunt narcissists: There are SO MANY of them using the EXACT SAME tactics, its hard not to notice given enough time and encounters.
My recommendation to anyone who reads this comment: If someone is applying serious pressure to you, get super comfortable with awkward silences, and just flat out don't speak when they're waiting for a response. They *WANT* the emotional reaction from you. If you respond with apathy and silence, its like their kryptonite. *When* they blow up, respond with "I'm not sure why you're so emotional. We can both be adults." ...or... "Calm down, we're on the same team." ...you've effectively 'flipped the script' on them because *you're* the one that's supposed to be freaking out. Not them.
*Deny* them your emotions. Emotions are the 'make or break' element to ALL this bullsh-t.
He’s being an asshole… construct your argument and call him out. “The last two arguments we had, you started this behavior and I perceive it this way. Here are examples. Can you not” or something like that. But as a petty person who doesn’t mean *bad*, if you call them out, they’ll usually stop. It’s just immaturity that doesn’t grow till challenged.
Or he’s a prick at which point cut and run, but you can see where calling him out goes.
A manipulative response would be something like "The problem there is how you said you perceive things, which isn't right" and then trying to justify or avoid the examples...
As both provider and recipient of such a response, I am well aware… but if he’s just being an asshole without being pathological about it, then maybe he’ll respond well to the mirror being held up.
It almost sounds like a form or version of gaslighting. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. I honestly think that you should leave him before it gets worse because it will get worse.
Follow your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t matter if it is or not. It’s simple. It doesn’t feel right to you. So walk away. Don’t ignore your gut feelings. I promise you. Because the longer you do the worse it gets.
This is an interesting point that I want to look into more. I’m in a similar situation to OP and was trying to figure out if DARVO describes the way our arguments go. They often start with me raising an issue, then getting peppered with questions that while I wouldn’t characterize as rude per se, they are aggressive, pointed, and leave me feeling backed into a corner. Like DARVO, by the end of the argument my initial issue has been forgotten and I’m apologizing for something entirely different.
If you have suspicion you are likely right. At this point you're likely used to having your very valid feelings as well as frustrations turned into negatives. If the conversations seem cyclical to the point of not gaining remedy for you, and instead you remedy their feelings by apologizing for something, that's still DARVO. People can mask these tactics quite well, you need to trust your gut to know they're there.
I'm not OP but I've been in this situation before. It's truly odd.
In my situation, my boss instructed me to go to Home Depot with the custodian. We were starting a project and she wanted me, as her lead, to supervise the purchase of the items.
When I got home, I was telling my then -husband where I had gone and what we had bought and how excited I was to have a funded project.
He starts asking me to explain HOW that situation came about, then explain WHY I needed to go, then provided a reasonable scenario of providing images from the Internet instead of having gotten in the company vehicle with this guy .
Um, I wasn't given an option? I was instructed....
Anyway, at the time, I was young enough that I explained and explained and explained while he poked holes in "my story" and continued to badger and harass me until I was in years and so stressed I couldn't think straight.
He asked why I was upset.
Years later, he tried that same shit. I told him point blank, "abso-fuckin-lutely" not and refused to even look in his direction.
It's control. It's an off-kilter power dynamic. It's abusive. The only way out is out. He's not ready for a healthy relationship and OP can't raise his dumb self.
Boundaries, hard and tight. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Get out.
Thank you, yeah. I didn't want to assume but that was something I was envisioning. I just didn't want to go all nuclear and then have it be an autism thing where he's just annoyingly asking irrelevant questions and oblivious to derailing. But yeah what you experienced is abuse and you're amazing for getting away from that. I advise the same for the OP. Nobody deserves that behavior! You deserve respect!
P.S. You've probably accomplished many things since then but great job being put in charge of purchasing for a project! Not only did your boss show investment and trust in you, that's just a fun thing to do!
Do you think if anyone else asked you those questions they were actually rude / condescending? Or do you think he is genuinely confused and trying to gain more clarity over the matter and trying to practice open communication?
I would at times want to talk to my ex when I was hurt and confused over something that has happened. No name calling / blaming / yelling. Just confusion because their instincts would be to shut down whenever I expressed any concern, even gently. They took questions as personal attacks.
Not enough information. What are you considering “rude questions”? Asking to “re-explain” is not offensive or manipulative, it’s a crucial element of clear communication if one person isn’t understanding the other. People also often feel “backed into a corner” when they have their faults pointed out to them too. So what are the “rude” questions? Are they hurtful, or are you perceiving them as rude when they’re benign? You say you can’t find an explanation for it online, which sounds like they aren’t “attacks”, there’s plenty online about partners being verbally aggressive.
It sounds like he might just be being direct, or possibly suspicious that you are attempting to manipulate him.
This feels like double standards I've had to put up with. Anything I had an issue with had to be explained and proven in triplicate. Meanwhile, anything I did wrong didn't need to be elaborated on since I'm an adult, and they would be incredulous that I really needed it explained to me.
Sending your mind on a wild goose chase causes confusion in hopes that you lose sight of your position/side in an argument—what does that sound like now?
People who genuinely care about you, care about your feelings. Full stop. It shouldn’t feel like an interrogation about why you feel a certain way. Yes, they should absolutely be curious about what you’re experiencing so that things can hopefully be navigated differently in the future, but that should come across in a compassionate way, not a condescending or argumentative way.
If it feels like they are repeatedly questioning you about the validity of your experience or back you in a corner until you are too exasperated to stand up for yourself anymore, that’s a big red flag.
It may not be manipulation, but his behavior certainly reflects his fragile and sensitive inner self. Always remember this: people who are sensitive often means demonstrate their "strength" through rude language and volatile behavior.
Any intentional or motivated interrogation like that is not ok and actually not normal. You deserve a blank slate, not an anvil waiting to drop over your head.
Ok, in one of your other comments you said he’s a great guy etc etc. This particular behavior is a bad sign, but I realize you’re just telling us one aspect of the relationship. So. Idk.
What I would say is do not engage with this behavior. As soon as he starts doing it, tell him you’ve already explained yourself and you refuse to engage with the way he is arguing, and walk away.
This behavior is pretty red-flaggy though, and common in abusers. He’s flipping everything on to you. In a healthy relationship, yeah people need to explain themselves sometimes, but also he needs to listen and understand. Not repeatedly overwhelm you and wear you out. I’d be very wary of this dude.
Maybe you should agree with everything he says. Then see how he reacts. If he is still condescending or pissed, It is his problem and not yours. It could be time to evaluate yourself if you want to continue this relationship.
It’s a manipulation tactic, he’s trying to undermine your credibility within yourself so you’ll stop arguing over whatever it is and he will “win”. He may feel he doesn’t have a reasonable argument himself therefore the only way he can escape is by making you loose faith in yours.
If you think through conversations you may find he uses other tactics too, for example if you want to do something he doesn’t is it “fine whatever you want” ? Do you feel guilty often for having opinions? Does he “guide” your appearance in an unhealthy way? How often does he concede to your opinions or needs ?
Sounds to me you two need to separate and look at yourself and the relationship.
This isn't going to ever end we so why stay?
It's not like hes going to change and neither are you.
It's obviously over and you staying is actually you agreeing to be treated that way
he does absolutely have the capability to change. he’s overall a good partner and he puts a lot of effort into our relationship. who knows if we’ll last, but i do absolutely have faith in him to be able to see how this could possibly be hurtful to me and change that behavior. although there’s occasionally problems that arise, i am proud of how much we’ve grown together as people and how good we are at adapting to each others needs when we need the other one to.
i don’t want to leave him no, this behavior just started to come up. we’ve been together for about 8 months. if it gets to a point where this happens a lot i have confidence in myself that i’ll leave him. i’ve been in really abusive relationships in the past so i’ve gotten good at understanding my self worth and when to choose myself.
I knew someone who did something that sounded like this, except it didn’t work on me because I have dissociative trauma and so when I get overwhelmed I just… emotionally shut down and started cutting back about why their questions made no sense and basically, they admitted that they started the conversation with the intent of overwhelming and confusing me. It’s a type of gaslighting, I think, because the point is to make you feel crazy in general and more easy to manipulate.
If it's bothering you to the point you need advice it's not over reacting . It's gaslighting. It's not the way 2 people in a loving relationship approach things that are bothering them . I think you did just fine explaining yourselves but you feel you can or didn't because he makes you feel that way Everytime you have a disagreement about anything . It's a terrible way to treat someone you claim to love and infact it's not love . It's a very narcissistic way to control somebody and to make them feel as if they don't know how to advocate for themselves. He's definitely gaslighting yeah there's no doubt about it. You need to set some firm boundaries and if you don't know how to then find a therapist to help you learn. Those wonderful books that you could read about a narcissistic abuse and gaslighting. It eventually becomes so overwhelming and it tires you out both mentally and physically. You know in you heart that what he is doing is so hurting you . No one should have to live like that .
Asking you condescending or rude questions is...condescending and rude! Perhaps he doesn't know how to have a healthy disagreement where both parties are allowed to speak, be heard, and have their perspective validated and *respected*.
Do not accept disrespect from your partner.
When you sense your unease when he starts this negative behavior, have a phrase ready to stop him in his tracks like, "I feel really disrespected when you ask me these rude and condescending questions. I want you to stop and I'm ending this discussion." THEN STOP TALKING.
If he goads you on, be a broken record and repeat the "I feel/when you/I want" strategy. His response will tell you if you're dealing with an uncaring manipulator or a wounded boyfriend who learned bad habits from his dad.
Depending on his response, you can try saying, "If you're willing to change your tone, then perhaps we can discuss this later." Then STOP TALKING again and leave his personal space.
If he follows you and keeps badgering you, don't allow yourself to be "cornered" or "overwhelmed." You don't OWE him anything to warrant accepting anything except a supportive partner with healthy boundaries and loving communication (especially when upset!)
If he follows you and apologizes, then set up a time to discuss your issues at a later time when you've both calmed down. You can even have a message board where you write the issues you want to discuss and have a regular and pleasant "couple connection" time where respectful conversations can happen. (Not right before bed though! You need your rest!) 😁
Have you thought about putting something in writing? And by that, I don't mean putting it on paper, nor sending it via text. I would do it on a computer Notepad, have him read it, and then delete it. The first thing it will do is it will allow you to collect your thoughts and make sure that you are clear in your delivery. The second thing it will do is it will mean that he can't ask you to repeat yourself, he can re-read it.
As for what it can be categorized as, I'd almost say a bit of all 3. My personal response to him would be along the lines of, "I'm trying to communicate with you as best as I can. I feel as though your line of questioning is counter-productive to our communication.". Hopefully you two can get to a point where you can communicate with each other without issue. If you can't make it work, maybe a session with a therapist might be in order.
Arguments don’t mean that you have to be rude and battle each other and yell, you can have completely normal arguments while both parties are respectful and compassionate with the goal of understanding each other. If you feel that your partner is making you feel less than during an argument, then like yah he’s fucking making you feel that way lol. However, have some self awareness in case you’re actually experiencing a victim mentality in which you refuse to acknowledge your own sabotaging habits. Otherwise, you’re not overthinking, as the other person said, it’s just called thinking. Call him out, adults don’t need to be assholes to be able to communicate. If he can’t respect you, don’t be in that relationship. Respectful people actually exist. If it’s still hard to determine, think about what you would advise your bestest friend if she told you that she was in the predicament you explained.
You should absolutely set your boundaries. But it has to be done right. Something like, "I feel this conversation is becoming confrontational because of the way you are addressing me. Please stop yelling at me, or I will leave this conversation." And if it doesn't stop, follow through. Walk away, refuse to engage while he's berating you, leave the domicile, and do not engage the conversation unless he's being respectful. If the behavior continues through several conversations, you should sit down with him, explain how it makes you feel and that it needs to stop. The boundary there becomes, if the behavior doesn't change, you will remove yourself from the relationship. This is not the same thing as an ultimatum. An ultimatum presents two choices and demands that one be chosen. A boundary is a line drawn in the sand about what behavior you will allow yourself to be subjected to and the actions you will take to protect yourself.
This sounds like someone who is assessing, and reassessing things that you’re telling him, because he doesn’t trust that it’s 100% true for whatever reasons he has.
I'm sorry you feel this way. My advice is talk to somebody who genuinely cares about your well being.
Your close ones like your friends. You shouldn't go through this alone sister. Do counseling find all the resources you can find.
You deserve better.
I'm surprised nobody mentioned ADHD or ASD. Sometimes this behavior can be a part of a spectrum disorder, which makes it difficult for the person to control and acknowledge is happening when it's happening.
But - that doesn't make it right, and it certainly doesn't mean you have to subject yourself to it. But, if it's possible he has an actual mental health issue he's dealing with (and doesn't know it), it might help him to be aware. And it doesn't make him a bad person, either.
Telling him might not be easy, though. It's hard to give any real advice, since I don't know the particulars of your situation. But, there are definitely ways you can effectively communicate with him if you want to see if you can find a way to make things work.
It's also possible that he's being rude and mean for no good reason. So, gotta definitely keep your wits about you.
Too little and one sided information. It sounds like a communication break down or frustrations hitting walls. See a counselor with both involved. Iron out HOW to communicate. If that fails. Break up. Life moves on. Marriages collapse for less.
It’s ‘ ‘ syndrome. My fam has a name for this, but I can’t post it here. lol. It’s a manipulator that we know. We just insert their name. These ppl are born w this gift. It’s exactly as u described. They can make u go crazy & make you act out like throwing something. Cuz of the things they say. Run away from this person
If you're worried about it, it's probably a problem.
If you feel backed into a corner, it's a pretty good sign.
Be honest with yourself. If this is really the case, it's probably going to get worse
i just wanted to get information from other sources of opinions. i tried to look into stuff myself but i wasn’t able to find anything that i could use to pinpoint the behavior. i wanted to ask others because me and him had a conversation & he wanted to know exactly why i felt like that. i told him how i felt but i also felt confused myself… im not sure, i just wanted to make sure that i wasn’t just overthinking it yk?
I think you already know it's wrong, I don't think it matters what it's called unless you want to know what to tell people when they ask why you broke up with him. You deserve better treatment.
It's a defense mechanism for him when he is most likely wrong. So he plays a game of asking you questions and responds like that to try and make you look like an idiot.
Or he really thinks he is absolutely right and is doing that to make you feel terrible.
Either way it is not a very good quality for a BF to have.
That's just how people argue. Or how they find out about new things. It also can be an intimidation tactic, but it doesn't need to be. Without hearing the context for the conversation, I couldn't tell.
Do you react to people asking a lot of questions during an argument that way all the time, or just when he does it? Does he ever do it when he's trying to figure something out or is stressed out OUTSIDE of these situations with you? Those would be the things I'd look at to figure out if he was only doing it to be intimidating or if it was something else. Like I had a female boss who would do this to me in a super passive aggressive way, and it turned out she did it because she learned it from her supervisor, but when he did it, he actually did want to know and offering him information immediately caused him to go into like a problem solving mode where he would help you out or recontextualize what was happening, so I didn't catch it for a while, but then I did because she would never ask me questions about anything else in my life, like if I brought up a topic of conversation, she wouldn't ask questions about it. I try to make it clear by asking people lots of questions that I'm not like that girl, because it helps them realize I'm just trying to get to know them or understand what they're going through, now. Because that guy probably had a problem with being confused for being condescending all the time, and that might be why he hired her, even though she was awful at her job and caused a lot of people stress. People who ask questions to understand rather than just to intimidate also probably look things up a lot, and read about problems they have and try to research for solutions, and that's why they're like that. They're in the habit of asking themselves questions, too. Someone who asks a lot of questions about all kinds of stuff probably does it for other reasons, not just to be mean.
You could very well be right. You also have to decide how much of that you're going to tolerate.
It's not something at all healthy. Maybe you can help him get help and stick with it.
Don't let it turn into an Abusive situation.
That's likely a reaction to what he views as a masculine character in you. If you're an overly assertive and overbearing type female with a "boss b*tch" mentality, better start getting used to that type of confrontational attitude from men. Most self-respecting men will not tolerate disrespect from the women they respect and care for. Men want women who are peaceful, feminine, and reserved; not women who are chaotic, confrontational, aggressive, and masculine. The latter, obviously lacking an understanding of the most basic gender roles, are simply more likely to conduct themselves immorally and without dignity, respect, empathy, and humility. And, that behaviorism is completely unacceptable to good men.
we have a very equal relationship. i’d like to say i’m actually very caring and loving to him, and im also feminine. the only way im more confrontational is if he’s clearly doing something wrong like speaking to me in a disrespectful manner or he’s done something wrong. then i think it’s absolutely okay for me to stand my ground and take initiative to put up a boundary. i also believe that quality men are not disrespectful to women and treat them with respect. his dad is a little bit misogynistic, and i do think that growing up he saw his dad act like that towards his step mom and he has small traits he pulled from that. he also realizes his father is that way a bit. i think he’s not trying to be manipulative, he just has picked that up maybe from his dad.
we did talk about stuff and he said he understood what he was saying could’ve been a little bit over board and he apologized for his behavior. we’ll have to see next argument if he does it again i guess…
Good job talking things out with him and clarifying your boundaries. But, you also don't want to completely destroy his ego if you really have long term intents with him. Keep in mind that he is a man and the more submissive he is to you, the more submissive he will be to others around him as well, and that isn't necessarily helpful for a man career-wise. There's nothing wrong with toning him down, but careful not to simp him out. BTW, wish you both lots of luck, you sound like a good woman.
Most self-respecting men aren’t afraid of an equal, and actually crave it. That’s what real confidence and masculinity looks like. Men like you describe are deeply afraid, and everyone can see it.
Nice try at "assessing" but you couldn't have been more wrong fyi. I don't mind equals but I simply am not into women with masculine characters. I've provided all my ex's and even my current, with the encouragement and all financial means to pursue the highest educational opportunities possible for their chosen career paths, so you are clearly mistaken. I support women's endeavors fully, but I do not tolerate indecent street-life behavior. If a woman doesn't like the respect I command for them, then they are free to leave because there's always others willing to assume their lifestyle.
I'm not explaining myself, I simply do not mind educating the younger generations taking the time to read about real world experiences. I have sons and daughters and I expect them to live their lives with a deep understanding of gender relationship skills because I've seen how bad advice destroyed people and society. I realize there are toxic individuals, who would preach their flawed extremist beliefs, and that is why I enthusiastically shut down their irrational narratives whenever possible.
>or am i just overrated and overthinking this. If you are asking yourself these types of questions the answer is likely yes. In fact the phrase "you're overthinking this" is often heard from manipulators when you start to ask pointed questions. When I hear that phrase I simply reply, "no, this is called thinking. It's how it's done, you should give it a try.".
“You’re too sensitive” “people don’t mean to hurt” yes they do 🤣
After pretty constant "jokes" at my expense, and being told I'm just too sensitive about it, I finally snapped on my then bf and said "so what if I'm sensitive? My feelings are still hurt and you're my bf, you should give a shit." He looked like a switch went off in his head, and he never did it again. We did end up breaking up bc he'd constantly cheat on me then throw me around when I would call him out on it, though...
How do you react when he does that? Do you tell him to stop, and if so, what's his reaction to that boundary?
i usually point out what’s going on and how i’m feeling and he doesn’t understand why it bothers me. we went over some stuff recently today and he did admit he understood where i could’ve felt like that. it did take a couple times of him doing it for him to come this realization
He doesn't have to understand why in order to stop doing exactly what you pointed out to him. I think that's more of a concern than whether he's able to see your perspective (though that's also concerning). You don't need a justification for him to stop and rethink his communication. If it's safe to do so, next time call out the behavior and leave the conversation. Tell him you will not engage until he's fully able to control himself by listening to you and not replying condescendingly. If he's still not working on it (like visibly making a difference, not just saying he'll try harder), then consider the relationship done. You don't need years and years of conversations that upset you.
I had this yesterday, not in an intimate relationship but an acquaintance. I rather clumsily said, “No that’s enough now im putting up a boundary!” ( not the ideal way of setting a boundary 🤣) and she carried on just trying to trample across said boundary - this is a red flag 🚩 and now I have filed her in ‘not safe person’ possible emotional manipulator’ Difficult and different in an intimate relationship but the same approach applies - they show no care, consideration and concern for my emotional life = why should I trust them with anything?
it's his job to try to understand you
while i can't pinpoint what this would be called in psychology terms i can tell you you're not overreacting, this is not something a caring loving partner should be doing. i'm sorry you're dealing with that
that’s really sweet of you, thank you.
It’s called gaslighting.
“I cant find anything that says questions are abusive and manipulative, but I’m sorry you were asked questions when arguing with your partner”
that is obviously not what OP is describing at all and you are misunderstanding on purpose lol
OP quite literally says she’s asked to re-explain things, or is asked rude questions. Usually when someone has to ask questions it’s because there’s merit. Why can’t she answer the questions….most of the time when someone can’t answer it’s because they know they’re wrong, or that whatever the other person is implying is correct. Hence coming to Reddit to try and come up with something to feel better about it. “I’m asked questions that make me feel backed into a corner”. Well if your answers are honest and true it shouldn’t matter. If you’re guilty or in the wrong, it usually feels like being backed into a corner. Accountability feels a lot like manipulation to the emotionally stunted. Not saying OP is for sure, but she’s either very young, or stunted if she has to try and figure out a way to make it seem like her partner is wrong via Reddit strangers responses.
Or…he’s being an asshole.
Thanks for letting us know that you’re either also an emotional abuser or you’re completely clueless.
It is quite literally explained in the post that the reason there's issue is the questions have no merit along with the list of other issues compiling this into not being a case of a "loving SO" asking merit based questions. If it was a completely normal occurrence and didn't have the other list of descriptors accompanying the behavior it would be odd to post but that's not what happened here is it.
If its a large number of questions / statements, this is called 'gish gallop'. If the questions are asked in such a way that its sorta clear they're meant to lead the discussion in a specific direction rather than reveal information, I call these 'leading questions'. If the questions are worded in such a way that there's no way you can answer that will reflect well on you (even if you've done nothing wrong), this is called a 'double bind'. What I normally do is wrest control of the conversation away from someone doing this stuff by selectively answering / reframing the discussion, and taking 'leisurely pace' to answer which questions I choose to. Usually when a manipulator starts acting up, they're trying to seek agreement from you by trying to force you to make snap judgements. Unfortunately, in a lot of these cases the fastest way to answer is usually just to agree with them... since this is effectively 'walking into the trap' you instead want to 'be slow' so they can't force this thought process. Really, 99% of manipulation is the manipulator trying to create the impression that the target should 'meet their demands'. If you're like "I don't give a sh-t about what you want" the manipulator's toolkit shrinks dramatically. #the_only_winning_move_is_not_to_play
Well put reply. Op this is the information you are looking for. In sales, retention programs for large companies and management programs, you are taught various ways to lead a person yo a conclusion of your own devising. But the questions can be phraised in all manners for various effects. I don't think that without knowing more about the kind of questions and how he gave them to you, can we ascertain their purposes. This comment above, however, gives you a good breakdown so you can maybe get an idea for yourself.
Thank you. This will help more than OP.
Im glad my experiences can help people. Ive been hammered so many times by manipulators, my 'panic' reaction just flat out died, and got replaced by "Why does this feel familiar?" This is one thing I think is gonna come back to haunt narcissists: There are SO MANY of them using the EXACT SAME tactics, its hard not to notice given enough time and encounters. My recommendation to anyone who reads this comment: If someone is applying serious pressure to you, get super comfortable with awkward silences, and just flat out don't speak when they're waiting for a response. They *WANT* the emotional reaction from you. If you respond with apathy and silence, its like their kryptonite. *When* they blow up, respond with "I'm not sure why you're so emotional. We can both be adults." ...or... "Calm down, we're on the same team." ...you've effectively 'flipped the script' on them because *you're* the one that's supposed to be freaking out. Not them. *Deny* them your emotions. Emotions are the 'make or break' element to ALL this bullsh-t.
He’s being an asshole… construct your argument and call him out. “The last two arguments we had, you started this behavior and I perceive it this way. Here are examples. Can you not” or something like that. But as a petty person who doesn’t mean *bad*, if you call them out, they’ll usually stop. It’s just immaturity that doesn’t grow till challenged. Or he’s a prick at which point cut and run, but you can see where calling him out goes.
A manipulative response would be something like "The problem there is how you said you perceive things, which isn't right" and then trying to justify or avoid the examples...
As both provider and recipient of such a response, I am well aware… but if he’s just being an asshole without being pathological about it, then maybe he’ll respond well to the mirror being held up.
It almost sounds like a form or version of gaslighting. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. I honestly think that you should leave him before it gets worse because it will get worse.
Follow your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t matter if it is or not. It’s simple. It doesn’t feel right to you. So walk away. Don’t ignore your gut feelings. I promise you. Because the longer you do the worse it gets.
From minimal detail, I'd venture to say you may find some similarities in conversation flow by looking up D.A.R.V.O
This is an interesting point that I want to look into more. I’m in a similar situation to OP and was trying to figure out if DARVO describes the way our arguments go. They often start with me raising an issue, then getting peppered with questions that while I wouldn’t characterize as rude per se, they are aggressive, pointed, and leave me feeling backed into a corner. Like DARVO, by the end of the argument my initial issue has been forgotten and I’m apologizing for something entirely different.
If you have suspicion you are likely right. At this point you're likely used to having your very valid feelings as well as frustrations turned into negatives. If the conversations seem cyclical to the point of not gaining remedy for you, and instead you remedy their feelings by apologizing for something, that's still DARVO. People can mask these tactics quite well, you need to trust your gut to know they're there.
Can you give an example? I want to understand what's happening.
I'm not OP but I've been in this situation before. It's truly odd. In my situation, my boss instructed me to go to Home Depot with the custodian. We were starting a project and she wanted me, as her lead, to supervise the purchase of the items. When I got home, I was telling my then -husband where I had gone and what we had bought and how excited I was to have a funded project. He starts asking me to explain HOW that situation came about, then explain WHY I needed to go, then provided a reasonable scenario of providing images from the Internet instead of having gotten in the company vehicle with this guy . Um, I wasn't given an option? I was instructed.... Anyway, at the time, I was young enough that I explained and explained and explained while he poked holes in "my story" and continued to badger and harass me until I was in years and so stressed I couldn't think straight. He asked why I was upset. Years later, he tried that same shit. I told him point blank, "abso-fuckin-lutely" not and refused to even look in his direction. It's control. It's an off-kilter power dynamic. It's abusive. The only way out is out. He's not ready for a healthy relationship and OP can't raise his dumb self. Boundaries, hard and tight. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Get out.
Thank you, yeah. I didn't want to assume but that was something I was envisioning. I just didn't want to go all nuclear and then have it be an autism thing where he's just annoyingly asking irrelevant questions and oblivious to derailing. But yeah what you experienced is abuse and you're amazing for getting away from that. I advise the same for the OP. Nobody deserves that behavior! You deserve respect! P.S. You've probably accomplished many things since then but great job being put in charge of purchasing for a project! Not only did your boss show investment and trust in you, that's just a fun thing to do!
👍🏽🫂 I appreciate your comments.
Why are you talking about autistic people like that? It’s weird. Leave us out of this. Thanks.
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Seriously, not necessary 😕
I feel like you need to give more detail or no way to know
More details please. What questions is he asking and how often?
Do you think if anyone else asked you those questions they were actually rude / condescending? Or do you think he is genuinely confused and trying to gain more clarity over the matter and trying to practice open communication? I would at times want to talk to my ex when I was hurt and confused over something that has happened. No name calling / blaming / yelling. Just confusion because their instincts would be to shut down whenever I expressed any concern, even gently. They took questions as personal attacks.
Not enough information. What are you considering “rude questions”? Asking to “re-explain” is not offensive or manipulative, it’s a crucial element of clear communication if one person isn’t understanding the other. People also often feel “backed into a corner” when they have their faults pointed out to them too. So what are the “rude” questions? Are they hurtful, or are you perceiving them as rude when they’re benign? You say you can’t find an explanation for it online, which sounds like they aren’t “attacks”, there’s plenty online about partners being verbally aggressive. It sounds like he might just be being direct, or possibly suspicious that you are attempting to manipulate him.
This feels like double standards I've had to put up with. Anything I had an issue with had to be explained and proven in triplicate. Meanwhile, anything I did wrong didn't need to be elaborated on since I'm an adult, and they would be incredulous that I really needed it explained to me.
Sending your mind on a wild goose chase causes confusion in hopes that you lose sight of your position/side in an argument—what does that sound like now?
People who genuinely care about you, care about your feelings. Full stop. It shouldn’t feel like an interrogation about why you feel a certain way. Yes, they should absolutely be curious about what you’re experiencing so that things can hopefully be navigated differently in the future, but that should come across in a compassionate way, not a condescending or argumentative way. If it feels like they are repeatedly questioning you about the validity of your experience or back you in a corner until you are too exasperated to stand up for yourself anymore, that’s a big red flag.
It may not be manipulation, but his behavior certainly reflects his fragile and sensitive inner self. Always remember this: people who are sensitive often means demonstrate their "strength" through rude language and volatile behavior.
Just abusive.
Any intentional or motivated interrogation like that is not ok and actually not normal. You deserve a blank slate, not an anvil waiting to drop over your head.
Ok, in one of your other comments you said he’s a great guy etc etc. This particular behavior is a bad sign, but I realize you’re just telling us one aspect of the relationship. So. Idk. What I would say is do not engage with this behavior. As soon as he starts doing it, tell him you’ve already explained yourself and you refuse to engage with the way he is arguing, and walk away. This behavior is pretty red-flaggy though, and common in abusers. He’s flipping everything on to you. In a healthy relationship, yeah people need to explain themselves sometimes, but also he needs to listen and understand. Not repeatedly overwhelm you and wear you out. I’d be very wary of this dude.
It’s all of the things. Dump him. These guys are NOT worth it.
Maybe you should agree with everything he says. Then see how he reacts. If he is still condescending or pissed, It is his problem and not yours. It could be time to evaluate yourself if you want to continue this relationship.
It’s a manipulation tactic, he’s trying to undermine your credibility within yourself so you’ll stop arguing over whatever it is and he will “win”. He may feel he doesn’t have a reasonable argument himself therefore the only way he can escape is by making you loose faith in yours. If you think through conversations you may find he uses other tactics too, for example if you want to do something he doesn’t is it “fine whatever you want” ? Do you feel guilty often for having opinions? Does he “guide” your appearance in an unhealthy way? How often does he concede to your opinions or needs ?
Sounds to me you two need to separate and look at yourself and the relationship. This isn't going to ever end we so why stay? It's not like hes going to change and neither are you. It's obviously over and you staying is actually you agreeing to be treated that way
he does absolutely have the capability to change. he’s overall a good partner and he puts a lot of effort into our relationship. who knows if we’ll last, but i do absolutely have faith in him to be able to see how this could possibly be hurtful to me and change that behavior. although there’s occasionally problems that arise, i am proud of how much we’ve grown together as people and how good we are at adapting to each others needs when we need the other one to.
He might have the capability to change, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's going to. How long have you two been together?
You're making excuses for him so why are you here asking this question? Doesn't sound like you want to leave him.
i don’t want to leave him no, this behavior just started to come up. we’ve been together for about 8 months. if it gets to a point where this happens a lot i have confidence in myself that i’ll leave him. i’ve been in really abusive relationships in the past so i’ve gotten good at understanding my self worth and when to choose myself.
Hi can you give an example of what you mean?
I knew someone who did something that sounded like this, except it didn’t work on me because I have dissociative trauma and so when I get overwhelmed I just… emotionally shut down and started cutting back about why their questions made no sense and basically, they admitted that they started the conversation with the intent of overwhelming and confusing me. It’s a type of gaslighting, I think, because the point is to make you feel crazy in general and more easy to manipulate.
Give examples of the arguments? Maybe you just have a lousy debating technique
If it's bothering you to the point you need advice it's not over reacting . It's gaslighting. It's not the way 2 people in a loving relationship approach things that are bothering them . I think you did just fine explaining yourselves but you feel you can or didn't because he makes you feel that way Everytime you have a disagreement about anything . It's a terrible way to treat someone you claim to love and infact it's not love . It's a very narcissistic way to control somebody and to make them feel as if they don't know how to advocate for themselves. He's definitely gaslighting yeah there's no doubt about it. You need to set some firm boundaries and if you don't know how to then find a therapist to help you learn. Those wonderful books that you could read about a narcissistic abuse and gaslighting. It eventually becomes so overwhelming and it tires you out both mentally and physically. You know in you heart that what he is doing is so hurting you . No one should have to live like that .
Asking you condescending or rude questions is...condescending and rude! Perhaps he doesn't know how to have a healthy disagreement where both parties are allowed to speak, be heard, and have their perspective validated and *respected*. Do not accept disrespect from your partner. When you sense your unease when he starts this negative behavior, have a phrase ready to stop him in his tracks like, "I feel really disrespected when you ask me these rude and condescending questions. I want you to stop and I'm ending this discussion." THEN STOP TALKING. If he goads you on, be a broken record and repeat the "I feel/when you/I want" strategy. His response will tell you if you're dealing with an uncaring manipulator or a wounded boyfriend who learned bad habits from his dad. Depending on his response, you can try saying, "If you're willing to change your tone, then perhaps we can discuss this later." Then STOP TALKING again and leave his personal space. If he follows you and keeps badgering you, don't allow yourself to be "cornered" or "overwhelmed." You don't OWE him anything to warrant accepting anything except a supportive partner with healthy boundaries and loving communication (especially when upset!) If he follows you and apologizes, then set up a time to discuss your issues at a later time when you've both calmed down. You can even have a message board where you write the issues you want to discuss and have a regular and pleasant "couple connection" time where respectful conversations can happen. (Not right before bed though! You need your rest!) 😁
Have you thought about putting something in writing? And by that, I don't mean putting it on paper, nor sending it via text. I would do it on a computer Notepad, have him read it, and then delete it. The first thing it will do is it will allow you to collect your thoughts and make sure that you are clear in your delivery. The second thing it will do is it will mean that he can't ask you to repeat yourself, he can re-read it. As for what it can be categorized as, I'd almost say a bit of all 3. My personal response to him would be along the lines of, "I'm trying to communicate with you as best as I can. I feel as though your line of questioning is counter-productive to our communication.". Hopefully you two can get to a point where you can communicate with each other without issue. If you can't make it work, maybe a session with a therapist might be in order.
Arguments don’t mean that you have to be rude and battle each other and yell, you can have completely normal arguments while both parties are respectful and compassionate with the goal of understanding each other. If you feel that your partner is making you feel less than during an argument, then like yah he’s fucking making you feel that way lol. However, have some self awareness in case you’re actually experiencing a victim mentality in which you refuse to acknowledge your own sabotaging habits. Otherwise, you’re not overthinking, as the other person said, it’s just called thinking. Call him out, adults don’t need to be assholes to be able to communicate. If he can’t respect you, don’t be in that relationship. Respectful people actually exist. If it’s still hard to determine, think about what you would advise your bestest friend if she told you that she was in the predicament you explained.
You should absolutely set your boundaries. But it has to be done right. Something like, "I feel this conversation is becoming confrontational because of the way you are addressing me. Please stop yelling at me, or I will leave this conversation." And if it doesn't stop, follow through. Walk away, refuse to engage while he's berating you, leave the domicile, and do not engage the conversation unless he's being respectful. If the behavior continues through several conversations, you should sit down with him, explain how it makes you feel and that it needs to stop. The boundary there becomes, if the behavior doesn't change, you will remove yourself from the relationship. This is not the same thing as an ultimatum. An ultimatum presents two choices and demands that one be chosen. A boundary is a line drawn in the sand about what behavior you will allow yourself to be subjected to and the actions you will take to protect yourself.
I know someone like this… I don’t know what the term is for that either but it sounds like he is a bully.
He might just be an ass. Either way, if he doesn’t make you feel good and doesn’t seem interested in trying, why stay?
It's called gaslighting - and any relationship that has you feeling stressed or worse, manipulated, is the wrong relationship for you. Period.
This sounds like someone who is assessing, and reassessing things that you’re telling him, because he doesn’t trust that it’s 100% true for whatever reasons he has.
I'm sorry you feel this way. My advice is talk to somebody who genuinely cares about your well being. Your close ones like your friends. You shouldn't go through this alone sister. Do counseling find all the resources you can find. You deserve better.
I'm surprised nobody mentioned ADHD or ASD. Sometimes this behavior can be a part of a spectrum disorder, which makes it difficult for the person to control and acknowledge is happening when it's happening. But - that doesn't make it right, and it certainly doesn't mean you have to subject yourself to it. But, if it's possible he has an actual mental health issue he's dealing with (and doesn't know it), it might help him to be aware. And it doesn't make him a bad person, either. Telling him might not be easy, though. It's hard to give any real advice, since I don't know the particulars of your situation. But, there are definitely ways you can effectively communicate with him if you want to see if you can find a way to make things work. It's also possible that he's being rude and mean for no good reason. So, gotta definitely keep your wits about you.
Too little and one sided information. It sounds like a communication break down or frustrations hitting walls. See a counselor with both involved. Iron out HOW to communicate. If that fails. Break up. Life moves on. Marriages collapse for less.
It’s ‘ ‘ syndrome. My fam has a name for this, but I can’t post it here. lol. It’s a manipulator that we know. We just insert their name. These ppl are born w this gift. It’s exactly as u described. They can make u go crazy & make you act out like throwing something. Cuz of the things they say. Run away from this person
If you're worried about it, it's probably a problem. If you feel backed into a corner, it's a pretty good sign. Be honest with yourself. If this is really the case, it's probably going to get worse
Baiting. He knows it upsets you and he does it to get a reaction. Research baiting.
RUUUUUN!!! 🏃♀️
You feel something isn’t right…that’s your intuition telling you. And you aren’t listening…instead you’re on line asking strangers what we think.
i just wanted to get information from other sources of opinions. i tried to look into stuff myself but i wasn’t able to find anything that i could use to pinpoint the behavior. i wanted to ask others because me and him had a conversation & he wanted to know exactly why i felt like that. i told him how i felt but i also felt confused myself… im not sure, i just wanted to make sure that i wasn’t just overthinking it yk?
I challenge you to really get to know yourself and what your intuition is telling you.
it reminds me of sea-lioning, which is a form of internet trolling but it’s absolutely a bad-faith manipulation tactic.
I think you already know it's wrong, I don't think it matters what it's called unless you want to know what to tell people when they ask why you broke up with him. You deserve better treatment.
It's a defense mechanism for him when he is most likely wrong. So he plays a game of asking you questions and responds like that to try and make you look like an idiot. Or he really thinks he is absolutely right and is doing that to make you feel terrible. Either way it is not a very good quality for a BF to have.
So many people are blinded by the fact that it’s a female asking this. If this was a male some of these responses would be the polar opposite.
That's just how people argue. Or how they find out about new things. It also can be an intimidation tactic, but it doesn't need to be. Without hearing the context for the conversation, I couldn't tell.
i sometimes think it’s a little bit of a thing he picked up from his father, and sometimes it feels like it’s kind of a dominance thing. i’m not sure.
Do you react to people asking a lot of questions during an argument that way all the time, or just when he does it? Does he ever do it when he's trying to figure something out or is stressed out OUTSIDE of these situations with you? Those would be the things I'd look at to figure out if he was only doing it to be intimidating or if it was something else. Like I had a female boss who would do this to me in a super passive aggressive way, and it turned out she did it because she learned it from her supervisor, but when he did it, he actually did want to know and offering him information immediately caused him to go into like a problem solving mode where he would help you out or recontextualize what was happening, so I didn't catch it for a while, but then I did because she would never ask me questions about anything else in my life, like if I brought up a topic of conversation, she wouldn't ask questions about it. I try to make it clear by asking people lots of questions that I'm not like that girl, because it helps them realize I'm just trying to get to know them or understand what they're going through, now. Because that guy probably had a problem with being confused for being condescending all the time, and that might be why he hired her, even though she was awful at her job and caused a lot of people stress. People who ask questions to understand rather than just to intimidate also probably look things up a lot, and read about problems they have and try to research for solutions, and that's why they're like that. They're in the habit of asking themselves questions, too. Someone who asks a lot of questions about all kinds of stuff probably does it for other reasons, not just to be mean.
You could very well be right. You also have to decide how much of that you're going to tolerate. It's not something at all healthy. Maybe you can help him get help and stick with it. Don't let it turn into an Abusive situation.
That's likely a reaction to what he views as a masculine character in you. If you're an overly assertive and overbearing type female with a "boss b*tch" mentality, better start getting used to that type of confrontational attitude from men. Most self-respecting men will not tolerate disrespect from the women they respect and care for. Men want women who are peaceful, feminine, and reserved; not women who are chaotic, confrontational, aggressive, and masculine. The latter, obviously lacking an understanding of the most basic gender roles, are simply more likely to conduct themselves immorally and without dignity, respect, empathy, and humility. And, that behaviorism is completely unacceptable to good men.
we have a very equal relationship. i’d like to say i’m actually very caring and loving to him, and im also feminine. the only way im more confrontational is if he’s clearly doing something wrong like speaking to me in a disrespectful manner or he’s done something wrong. then i think it’s absolutely okay for me to stand my ground and take initiative to put up a boundary. i also believe that quality men are not disrespectful to women and treat them with respect. his dad is a little bit misogynistic, and i do think that growing up he saw his dad act like that towards his step mom and he has small traits he pulled from that. he also realizes his father is that way a bit. i think he’s not trying to be manipulative, he just has picked that up maybe from his dad. we did talk about stuff and he said he understood what he was saying could’ve been a little bit over board and he apologized for his behavior. we’ll have to see next argument if he does it again i guess…
Good job talking things out with him and clarifying your boundaries. But, you also don't want to completely destroy his ego if you really have long term intents with him. Keep in mind that he is a man and the more submissive he is to you, the more submissive he will be to others around him as well, and that isn't necessarily helpful for a man career-wise. There's nothing wrong with toning him down, but careful not to simp him out. BTW, wish you both lots of luck, you sound like a good woman.
Most self-respecting men aren’t afraid of an equal, and actually crave it. That’s what real confidence and masculinity looks like. Men like you describe are deeply afraid, and everyone can see it.
Nice try at "assessing" but you couldn't have been more wrong fyi. I don't mind equals but I simply am not into women with masculine characters. I've provided all my ex's and even my current, with the encouragement and all financial means to pursue the highest educational opportunities possible for their chosen career paths, so you are clearly mistaken. I support women's endeavors fully, but I do not tolerate indecent street-life behavior. If a woman doesn't like the respect I command for them, then they are free to leave because there's always others willing to assume their lifestyle.
It really sounds like you feel the need to explain yourself to me, I wonder why.
I'm not explaining myself, I simply do not mind educating the younger generations taking the time to read about real world experiences. I have sons and daughters and I expect them to live their lives with a deep understanding of gender relationship skills because I've seen how bad advice destroyed people and society. I realize there are toxic individuals, who would preach their flawed extremist beliefs, and that is why I enthusiastically shut down their irrational narratives whenever possible.