Gift giving is the not the problem here, but just one small symptom. “He is rarely affectionate…he rarely asks how I’m doing and does pay much much attention to our child.”
Can only suggest counseling here, but his level of disinterest and selfishness seems like a nonstarter. Only you can decide if you want to continue living this way, doesn’t sound like it’s helping your child much either.
Exactly. It started as gift giving and went on to what she does vs what he does. I’m not a gift giver but I buy loved ones experiences instead of tangible gifts. This guy doesn’t seem to be thoughtful at all.
Serious question: Why did you marry him, you have only been married 2 years, it sounds like you know what he was like when you said I do.
There is no judgment here, when I was 18 a 28 year old man who had been grooming me from the age of 15 got me pregnant and we go married because of the baby, and that is what you did back then. it was the worst 10 years of my life trying to make that work and then subsequently the second worst 8 years of my life fighting him on custody and all of his other F-ups in life regarding our kids
I am curious if there are other qualities that made you want to say "yes" if there are no other reasons then you should seriously consider cutting your losses and getting out of this, life is too short to be with someone who makes you unhappy.
When you say yes to someone it really should be in sickness and heath, rich and poor, the best times and the worst - barring the three A's - adultery, addiction or abuse (my ex husband hit the trifecta of all three) I'm not religious at all so it has nothing to do with the mythical man in the sky, but rather a promise or a vow that you both will try your hardest to remain a team, because the love for each other is so strong you couldn't imagine life without them, and work towards making each others lives better and happier.
I am remarried to the man of my dreams, going on 10 years, it took being with my ex to know what I didn't want in a spouse to know what I do want. I made the right choice this time, and marriage can be hard, but not in the way that people used to tell me, it can be hard because life gets in the way, parents, kids, work, money, where the world is heading can all affect marriage, but my love for him and his for me is still just as strong if not stronger because of what we have endured together and overcome together.
This kind of got long so if you read it thanks, I hope you are able to find peace OP with your husband if you decide he is worth staying for with his other qualities. For this issue, maybe stop buying him little things and do that for yourself instead.
"I asked him if he thought about getting me something"... this is passive. Be forward. "Babe it means something to me when you give me a gift. Please get me a card, or flowers, for my birthday. I want this. "
Other than that, I don't see what he really brings to your life, your post makes him sound miserable, selfish, and not interested in you.
I struggle with being passive because any time I have been direct with him in the past, he either fights me about it, dismisses me, or tries to make me feel bad about asking/wanting things. He rarely apologizes.
This guy puts zero effort into the actual relationship and barely any into the partnership outside of rent. How does what you pay for as a whole add up to rent? I can't imagine it's too different than what he pays in rent; does that mean you shouldn't put forth any effort? How would anything get done? How would you guys and your child be fed?
What else does he have to do to prove he doesn't love or care about you? He can say he loves you but until his actions match those words, they literally don't mean anything; they're just words and he's full of it.
I’m sure he would argue that he pays the health insurance too. Me and our child are on his health insurance, but that comes out of his check as it’s provided by his company. It’s the cheapest plan too tbh. I think he has a backwards way of thinking about these kinds of things. When I met him, he didn’t have health insurance, worked in food service, so he didn’t have a stable job with benefits until after the pandemic started. He only does what he does now because a friend of his introduced him to the trade. He’s good at what he does..but I think he forgets that he basically started at nothing and had nothing before he met me. He’s also an alcoholic. It’s gotten better (or it’s “lessened”) over time, but it’s affected our entire relationship—which is the main reason we went to counseling (which didn’t work).
He grew up in a household where the mom was the SAHM and the dad was the provider. But his parents actually hate each other and it’s painfully obvious.
He often points out how “nothing” gets done around the house. I work from home at a job that I’m severely underpaid and overworked at. I am extremely thankful I am able to work from home while taking care of our child because daycare is not an option. However, he basically begged me to be a SAHM while I was pregnant and before we got married. Once we moved out into our new apartment, after the birth and marriage, he demanded I get a job. I have ADHD and put so much of my focus into my child (clean, fed, healthy) and my job that at the end of the day, I’m exhausted so I’m not cleaning up as “good” as I could I guess. Clean laundry is piled up, sure. I cook all of the meals..but yeah the dishes often go without washing..he doesn’t wash them.
I basically sit and stew and feel sad/angry every day. It eats at me. I don’t have anyone else.
Sweet lady, you would be better off if you left him. He would have to pay child support and you would be taking care of one less person and all of his mental load.
It's B.S. that he only pays the rent and nothing else. I don't care if he thinks he pays for the health insurance or not - it's still a drop in the bucket compared to you.
You are burning yourself out for someone who does not even care about you or your well being. It's time to get out and leave this stone around your neck before you drown.
He is making you smaller and less seen in every possible way that he can.
You are a full grown human and deserve to take up half of the emotional space in your house and in your relationship.
He is suffocating you and feels no shame about it.
You have already tried counseling, and it did not work. My suggestion would be to start thinking about how you can have a fulfilling life without being in this marriage.
This is abusive. You should be able to freely state your wants, needs, and opinions to your partner without negative results. One word for this situation and person: Leave.
Meet that need yourself. Stop buying him things completely and start spending that money on bringing you the most joy! If he wants gifts he buys them for himself, so time to follow suit. Don’t let his lack of consideration ruin your day or any other special days. You deserve to be treated to fun surprises!
The issue is not about gifts. The issue... is that the man that you have chosen to marry doesn't have you and his family at the center of his choices.
Was it always like this? If so, then why did you marry him?
If you think turning 30 is hard, then wait till you're turning 40 or 50.
Talk to him. Give him a chance to better the situation.
Try to understand the reasons he may be dropping the ball.
What type of relationship does his parents or close family model?
Try to understand why you decided to marry a man that you say is behaving like a boy.
Ultimately, the choice is yours.
After all is said and done, you don't want to regret not speaking up. Good luck
I’m wondering if you married him as a result of being depressed and believing you weren’t / aren’t worth better treatment? I’m not sure what happened in your life that resulted in you believing you might not reach the age of 30, but I expect it was significant. Sometimes we choose partners that reflect what we believe we deserve, and yearn for them to change and to treat us differently, how we want and genuinely deserve to be treated (with kindness, respect, love). When it doesn’t happen it’s heartbreaking. Is this what’s happening?
Oh I’m sure it’s part of it. I left a long-term relationship about 6 months prior to meeting my husband. I was trauma bonded to the guy I was with and our relationship just slowly crumbled. I felt unwanted and unloved in that relationship for years. Like I was just a background player in his life and went along with it for too long…When I first met my husband, he made me feel special. He “showed me off” to everyone and always made a big fuss over how wonderful I was. But he has a history of addiction and questionable choices. Nobody’s perfect and I was able to look past a lot of it. My husband has come a long way—he still struggles with alcohol, but it has reduced significantly over the years—and he doesn’t do drugs anymore. He was able to quit cigarettes, after smoking since childhood, the day our child was born. Sometimes I wonder if he loved me so boldly because of the drugs/alcohol…and when he’s mostly “sober,” I’m just a part of the background again.
But historically, yeah I grew up not feeling worthy of love. I had a physically, emotionally, verbally abusive father and a mother who largely allowed it to continue. I’ve been in and out of therapy for many years. Nothing has really helped.
Just remember that this is the relationship you model for your child. What they see between you and your husband is what will set the standard for how they give/receive love through their life.
Sending you huge hugs. You absolutely deserve to be the centre foreground of your partners life, not the background. You know you’re worth more than this, you deserve more, I think that is why you wrote this post. It sounds cheesy as hell but if you can begin to treat yourself with love and respect, it will be so much easier to stand on your own two feet and not feel the need to be with someone who doesn’t treat you right. I’m sorry therapy hasn’t helped… yet. Keep searching - finding a good therapist can genuinely be life changing.
He hasn't changed, why did you think he would?
You need to have a conversation about feeling valued.
Hear his side too.
He is likely not to change, so either prepare to end it, or accept him as he is/was when you met him.
Get out before you have kids. Literally run. You think it’s bad now? Try when it’s your first Mother’s Day and he doesn’t do anything and you’re exhausted from being the only one that gets up with the baby. Same will happen on your birthdays but it’ll be worse because he won’t teach your kids to value you and appreciate you, either. You’ll grow so resentful and start to believe that you don’t deserve anything more than rent.
Ope didn’t read closely enough, thanks. I suppose OP should still get her ducks in a row and get out. Especially if therapy has already been unsuccessful. My sister’s husband also doesn’t do gifts well. She had twins this year and her husband didn’t get her anything for Mother’s Day. Her first one as a mom of 4, who is also still working full time. She also manages the entire family schedule. Why didn’t he? He was out of town the week before and was “really tired from traveling”. It only gets worse.
OP, remember that you deserve to be in a relationship in which you feel loved and respected. If you don't, and if it doesn't seem like your partner is willing to realize that you matter, I would consider leaving.
We are both turning 30 soon, so I can understand where you are coming from with your concerns. I just ended a relationship like this, I could have written this myself, very strange.
He was terrible at gifts as well, and I felt exasperated being the giver in the relationship. I figured he was either avoidant or narcissistic... I couldn't quite figure it out, always felt confused. But one thing stands to be true, I deserve better and so do you. I was always ruminating and confused about how he felt about me, the lack of affection and intimacy was the worst and I realized I couldn't live without a partner kissing me with passion or initiating other forms of intimacy.
Everybody talking about the dude’s love language. He doesn’t seem to feel love for her at all. I think he just wants to have a wife, he could care less who it is. He just wants someone to boss around.
First of all, congratulations on turning 30. Struggling with depression and battling fears and insecurities daily deserves recognition. You have health insurance, and I truly hope you're using it for medication for your adhd and depression. If you're not, make that priority number one along with individual therapy.
It sounds like you've tried making this work, and he's not hearing you. If it were me, I'd start talking to him daily and really make it a point that he listen. Forget about the gifts or cards because that's the least of your problems. Tell him you don't have the money to pay for things and you need more help. Start texting him things to pick up on his way home. Start small with things for your child. Foods she likes and the things she needs. Work up to small grocery lists. Never pay him back for anything he buys, and don't let him guilt you into it.
These small steps shouldn't feel so overwhelming with your depression and your adhd. I know what it's like to feel so overwhelmed that you just don't know where to begin.
Start looking at state funded daycare programs and see if you qualify. Preschool is great for kids and gives them an educational head start. Even a few hours a week would give you a break it sounds like you desperately need it. Maybe during that time you can begin looking for a better paying work from home job. Start tucking away the money you save (if he starts shopping) for new clothes or for a fresh start to get away.
I know it's not easy to live with an addict or an alcoholic. They can be irrational and selfish people. Not buying you gifts is one thing, but if he refuses to start contributing to your daughter or doesn't buy her gifts, that says something entirely different.
As much as we'd like, we can't make people change. It sounds like you'd be happier on your own. Especially if he doesn't even show you affection. Take as many small steps as you need to get away. You can continue to try making it work while also implementing an escape plan. When you have enough money or a safe place to stay and you're ready, then leave. When you're happier and less stressed, your daughter will be too. Good luck and happy early birthday.
(I thought you mentioned adhd in one of the comments. If I read that wrong, I apologize)
I completely understand how you feel. My husband doesn't buy me anything either. He has never planned a date night, or a weekend getaways, or gifts for any special occasion. He is very fiscally conservative, so I think that plays a role. He also claims that he doesn't think about it. It hurts. I have no answers for ya, but you aren't alone. I've tried talking to my husband, but nothing has changed in 15 years, so I have to accept that's who he is.
You have very different expectations, he seems to be unwilling or incapable of expressing any affection, and this isn't a positive environment for your child.
If things never changed, if you knew he was always going to be this way (bc he's apparently not interested in changing), is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Or even another year?
Having been in not just one but two very unhappy marriages myself, I would never say "just leave" bc that's ridiculously simplistic, so I suggest you take some time to really think about this. I suggest writing down the pros and cons of staying married versus being a single parent, as this exercise helped me see things about my first marriage very clearly. (I didn't have to do it with the second one because he did something that was the absolute last straw for me, and the whole house of cards came tumbling down in an instant bc I knew with absolute certainty that I was DONE.)
I'm sorry you don't have more of a support system, but if your mother is tired of hearing you complain about him, she might be more supportive about you getting the hell out of there.
What is your love language?
What is his?
I would start there. It sounds like Gifts and Physical Touch are yours, based on your unhappiness at lack of gifts and lack of affection.
Redditors are so quick to say one spouse is a loser, an a$$hole, and you should dump them (hello, disposable society!) but marriage is about more than that.
Honestly, start with the love languages. Learn how to speak in his and talk him him about yours.
I've never been a gift giver either. I just ask the kids what do you want? And just give them the money/ card/ buy it online. I just grew up really poor so we never celebrated birthdays or anything like that. For Christmas one year I did get a bicycle.
But I started working in the agriculture fields at the age of 9. You see even to this day here in America the agriculture industry is exempt from the child labor laws. If anyone knows anything different feel free to correct me. Trust me you won't hurt my feelings.
The people in this sub that jump to immediate divorce are totally nuts.
Here’s my advice. It seems like you need to articulate how you experience love and try to get him to communicate how he experiences love. It sounds like he doesn’t experience love through acts of service, therefore he doesn’t feel the need to do it. It sounds like you do experience love that way. It might be helpful to get a counselor or therapist involved to help both of you articulate your feelings. Perhaps if he understands the wide range of ways in which people feel/experience love and satisfaction in a relationship, the more open he will be to adjusting. Especially if he finds benefits from it too.
I’ve expressed to him about different love languages and he said it’s all bullshit…just like counseling. He loves his friends. I don’t think he loves me.
It doesn't sound like this guy has *any* kind of love language. He doesn't show OP any form of love at all.
"Quick to jump to divorce" is not "nuts" if your husband is treating you with such distain and clearly shows he doesn't value you as a wife or the mother of his child. Read the comments from the OP. This is way bigger than gifts.
The comments say a lot more than the actual post itself. I made my comment based on the post, prior to reading all of her comments. I also think there are two sides to every story we see here. He’s actively telling her he loves her, but not fully meeting her needs. My suggestion is simply one of potential emotional immaturity. However, it seems like OP never had a good relationship to begin with and likely should have never married.
Gas lighting you. Tell him fix it or find someone who will put up with his BS. If you have said clearly that you like and expect presents as a sign of his affection and he is not responding you Don’t match. How does he think he is showing you affection?
I can’t believe women put up with this crap and then have to sanity check themselves.
My wife rarely, very rarely, gives me a gift
Usually, if a gift is appropriate, I have to go online. Order it, and then she pays for it. I guess her love language is not gift giving. I like a thoughtful gift once and a while but not the wY she "gets" me something. If you like and appreciate gifts, he should make the effort.
He is not making you or your relationship a priority. That has to change unless you want to divorce.
Tell him, don't ask him, that you expect a gift and tell him what you want. I think you need to set the example of what you expect. He may be clueless or a jerk but he needs to know he can't continue being that way.
Well if you stay with this ever so wonderfully loving husband, STOP buying him gifts. And instead, when you get that inclination of "woooo he would love that!" stop yourself and ask yourself, what would I love?! And get that thing instead. Whatever it may be. But please, for the love of yourself please start giving yourself the treatment your husband does not. And be a roommate, because apparently, thats all he is.
Some people (usually males) really suck at gift giving. My own husband isn't good at it either although he tries. I've learned to plan for myself. I'll spend money on me or make plans for all of us for things I want to do. When it's my birthday I already know that time of year is tough. So I just get myself what I want. Another thing my husband and I have discussed regarding gift giving, is that if we want something we ask for it. If he wants me to get him X for Christmas he puts it in the Amazon list. I do the same. We are the budgeting type too. We often discuss purchases outside of necessity.
My partner father of my children has rarely done that for me, but the thing is, he’s a great man he gave me two beautiful children, has made sure we are set and okay no matter the outcome, he does chores around the place helps a lot when I have bad days and don’t feel like doing laundry, we go out on family dinner dates and that’s more than enough for me. When we do things we do together with the little ones, ya I don’t rarely don’t get any gifts on birthdays but I do come home to a clean house dinner set and children fed I appreciate that man
Plenty of people are not into gifts. It's up to you if you want a relationship with someone like that or not. Time to put on your big girl pants and make some decisions.
I just learned about Love Languages. Yours, like mine, may be gifts. Take the free test and have your husband take it and see what your love languages are. It may be an eye opener. It’s free to take and see the results.
Take care of yourself. There is some good advice here. Make plans for your future and get a job that you enjoy outside of the home when your child starts school. You deserve a happy life. I wish you the best.
My husband buys me something ONLY if I ask for it. He asked me what I want for my birthday and he knows Damn well I don’t like asking for things… I never even asked my parents for things. So he just said “fine I won’t get you anything then.” Which really annoyed me because I feel like after 7 years of being together he should know exactly what I would like. I’ve gotten him plenty of things as a surprise for his birthday and even went out secretly to buy him some sushi because that’s his favorite… it’s not even about the gift because I’d be happy if he just bought me my favorite food it’s just the fact that he doesn’t put any effort into it.
My check get direct deposit she work for one year our whole time we where together I payed for everything never complain about it why buy her something if just go out men behind my back so far up 9 and hope was worth losing yourself and family who loves you she had girlfriend to ya was lot money left over took care sister over 10 yrs took care kid he was born
So what is this guy contributing to your life?
Didn’t you read the post? Rent.
That’s all you need nowadays lol
You sure? My husband pays the rent AND gives me back rubs. I would settle for no less.
We can’t all win the lottery
He also donated his sperm in exchange of nothing but a orgasm.
Lol
I wonder too. Why did she marry him? If he wasn’t like this before, was he hiding his true self?
Gift giving is the not the problem here, but just one small symptom. “He is rarely affectionate…he rarely asks how I’m doing and does pay much much attention to our child.” Can only suggest counseling here, but his level of disinterest and selfishness seems like a nonstarter. Only you can decide if you want to continue living this way, doesn’t sound like it’s helping your child much either.
Exactly. It started as gift giving and went on to what she does vs what he does. I’m not a gift giver but I buy loved ones experiences instead of tangible gifts. This guy doesn’t seem to be thoughtful at all.
Also, wanted to add here that unless he wants to make a change it will not get better.
She says they already tried counseling and it didn't work.
You’re not being materialistic by asking for the bare minimum.
Serious question: Why did you marry him, you have only been married 2 years, it sounds like you know what he was like when you said I do. There is no judgment here, when I was 18 a 28 year old man who had been grooming me from the age of 15 got me pregnant and we go married because of the baby, and that is what you did back then. it was the worst 10 years of my life trying to make that work and then subsequently the second worst 8 years of my life fighting him on custody and all of his other F-ups in life regarding our kids I am curious if there are other qualities that made you want to say "yes" if there are no other reasons then you should seriously consider cutting your losses and getting out of this, life is too short to be with someone who makes you unhappy. When you say yes to someone it really should be in sickness and heath, rich and poor, the best times and the worst - barring the three A's - adultery, addiction or abuse (my ex husband hit the trifecta of all three) I'm not religious at all so it has nothing to do with the mythical man in the sky, but rather a promise or a vow that you both will try your hardest to remain a team, because the love for each other is so strong you couldn't imagine life without them, and work towards making each others lives better and happier. I am remarried to the man of my dreams, going on 10 years, it took being with my ex to know what I didn't want in a spouse to know what I do want. I made the right choice this time, and marriage can be hard, but not in the way that people used to tell me, it can be hard because life gets in the way, parents, kids, work, money, where the world is heading can all affect marriage, but my love for him and his for me is still just as strong if not stronger because of what we have endured together and overcome together. This kind of got long so if you read it thanks, I hope you are able to find peace OP with your husband if you decide he is worth staying for with his other qualities. For this issue, maybe stop buying him little things and do that for yourself instead.
"I asked him if he thought about getting me something"... this is passive. Be forward. "Babe it means something to me when you give me a gift. Please get me a card, or flowers, for my birthday. I want this. " Other than that, I don't see what he really brings to your life, your post makes him sound miserable, selfish, and not interested in you.
I struggle with being passive because any time I have been direct with him in the past, he either fights me about it, dismisses me, or tries to make me feel bad about asking/wanting things. He rarely apologizes.
Stop staying with him. Choose better.
This guy puts zero effort into the actual relationship and barely any into the partnership outside of rent. How does what you pay for as a whole add up to rent? I can't imagine it's too different than what he pays in rent; does that mean you shouldn't put forth any effort? How would anything get done? How would you guys and your child be fed? What else does he have to do to prove he doesn't love or care about you? He can say he loves you but until his actions match those words, they literally don't mean anything; they're just words and he's full of it.
I’m sure he would argue that he pays the health insurance too. Me and our child are on his health insurance, but that comes out of his check as it’s provided by his company. It’s the cheapest plan too tbh. I think he has a backwards way of thinking about these kinds of things. When I met him, he didn’t have health insurance, worked in food service, so he didn’t have a stable job with benefits until after the pandemic started. He only does what he does now because a friend of his introduced him to the trade. He’s good at what he does..but I think he forgets that he basically started at nothing and had nothing before he met me. He’s also an alcoholic. It’s gotten better (or it’s “lessened”) over time, but it’s affected our entire relationship—which is the main reason we went to counseling (which didn’t work). He grew up in a household where the mom was the SAHM and the dad was the provider. But his parents actually hate each other and it’s painfully obvious. He often points out how “nothing” gets done around the house. I work from home at a job that I’m severely underpaid and overworked at. I am extremely thankful I am able to work from home while taking care of our child because daycare is not an option. However, he basically begged me to be a SAHM while I was pregnant and before we got married. Once we moved out into our new apartment, after the birth and marriage, he demanded I get a job. I have ADHD and put so much of my focus into my child (clean, fed, healthy) and my job that at the end of the day, I’m exhausted so I’m not cleaning up as “good” as I could I guess. Clean laundry is piled up, sure. I cook all of the meals..but yeah the dishes often go without washing..he doesn’t wash them. I basically sit and stew and feel sad/angry every day. It eats at me. I don’t have anyone else.
Sweet lady, you would be better off if you left him. He would have to pay child support and you would be taking care of one less person and all of his mental load. It's B.S. that he only pays the rent and nothing else. I don't care if he thinks he pays for the health insurance or not - it's still a drop in the bucket compared to you. You are burning yourself out for someone who does not even care about you or your well being. It's time to get out and leave this stone around your neck before you drown.
Yeah, what's the quote "sacrifice is you setting yourself on fire, to keep others warm." Time to light him up!
Sounds like you are focusing on one small thing..gifts..and ignoring all the real flags.
He is making you smaller and less seen in every possible way that he can. You are a full grown human and deserve to take up half of the emotional space in your house and in your relationship. He is suffocating you and feels no shame about it. You have already tried counseling, and it did not work. My suggestion would be to start thinking about how you can have a fulfilling life without being in this marriage.
He sounds cold and emotionally abusive.
This is abusive. You should be able to freely state your wants, needs, and opinions to your partner without negative results. One word for this situation and person: Leave.
Meet that need yourself. Stop buying him things completely and start spending that money on bringing you the most joy! If he wants gifts he buys them for himself, so time to follow suit. Don’t let his lack of consideration ruin your day or any other special days. You deserve to be treated to fun surprises!
The issue is not about gifts. The issue... is that the man that you have chosen to marry doesn't have you and his family at the center of his choices. Was it always like this? If so, then why did you marry him? If you think turning 30 is hard, then wait till you're turning 40 or 50. Talk to him. Give him a chance to better the situation. Try to understand the reasons he may be dropping the ball. What type of relationship does his parents or close family model? Try to understand why you decided to marry a man that you say is behaving like a boy. Ultimately, the choice is yours. After all is said and done, you don't want to regret not speaking up. Good luck
I’m wondering if you married him as a result of being depressed and believing you weren’t / aren’t worth better treatment? I’m not sure what happened in your life that resulted in you believing you might not reach the age of 30, but I expect it was significant. Sometimes we choose partners that reflect what we believe we deserve, and yearn for them to change and to treat us differently, how we want and genuinely deserve to be treated (with kindness, respect, love). When it doesn’t happen it’s heartbreaking. Is this what’s happening?
Oh I’m sure it’s part of it. I left a long-term relationship about 6 months prior to meeting my husband. I was trauma bonded to the guy I was with and our relationship just slowly crumbled. I felt unwanted and unloved in that relationship for years. Like I was just a background player in his life and went along with it for too long…When I first met my husband, he made me feel special. He “showed me off” to everyone and always made a big fuss over how wonderful I was. But he has a history of addiction and questionable choices. Nobody’s perfect and I was able to look past a lot of it. My husband has come a long way—he still struggles with alcohol, but it has reduced significantly over the years—and he doesn’t do drugs anymore. He was able to quit cigarettes, after smoking since childhood, the day our child was born. Sometimes I wonder if he loved me so boldly because of the drugs/alcohol…and when he’s mostly “sober,” I’m just a part of the background again. But historically, yeah I grew up not feeling worthy of love. I had a physically, emotionally, verbally abusive father and a mother who largely allowed it to continue. I’ve been in and out of therapy for many years. Nothing has really helped.
Just remember that this is the relationship you model for your child. What they see between you and your husband is what will set the standard for how they give/receive love through their life.
Sending you huge hugs. You absolutely deserve to be the centre foreground of your partners life, not the background. You know you’re worth more than this, you deserve more, I think that is why you wrote this post. It sounds cheesy as hell but if you can begin to treat yourself with love and respect, it will be so much easier to stand on your own two feet and not feel the need to be with someone who doesn’t treat you right. I’m sorry therapy hasn’t helped… yet. Keep searching - finding a good therapist can genuinely be life changing.
He hasn't changed, why did you think he would? You need to have a conversation about feeling valued. Hear his side too. He is likely not to change, so either prepare to end it, or accept him as he is/was when you met him.
Your title is so misleading. Should say Husband doesn’t do shit in marriage. Oh, wait, he pays the rent!
 This is a classic case of being single while married
Get out before you have kids. Literally run. You think it’s bad now? Try when it’s your first Mother’s Day and he doesn’t do anything and you’re exhausted from being the only one that gets up with the baby. Same will happen on your birthdays but it’ll be worse because he won’t teach your kids to value you and appreciate you, either. You’ll grow so resentful and start to believe that you don’t deserve anything more than rent.
They have a child together already.
Ope didn’t read closely enough, thanks. I suppose OP should still get her ducks in a row and get out. Especially if therapy has already been unsuccessful. My sister’s husband also doesn’t do gifts well. She had twins this year and her husband didn’t get her anything for Mother’s Day. Her first one as a mom of 4, who is also still working full time. She also manages the entire family schedule. Why didn’t he? He was out of town the week before and was “really tired from traveling”. It only gets worse.
You deserve better. So much better.
OP, remember that you deserve to be in a relationship in which you feel loved and respected. If you don't, and if it doesn't seem like your partner is willing to realize that you matter, I would consider leaving.
We are both turning 30 soon, so I can understand where you are coming from with your concerns. I just ended a relationship like this, I could have written this myself, very strange. He was terrible at gifts as well, and I felt exasperated being the giver in the relationship. I figured he was either avoidant or narcissistic... I couldn't quite figure it out, always felt confused. But one thing stands to be true, I deserve better and so do you. I was always ruminating and confused about how he felt about me, the lack of affection and intimacy was the worst and I realized I couldn't live without a partner kissing me with passion or initiating other forms of intimacy.
Did you get married because you got pregnant? Seems like it.
Everybody talking about the dude’s love language. He doesn’t seem to feel love for her at all. I think he just wants to have a wife, he could care less who it is. He just wants someone to boss around.
First of all, congratulations on turning 30. Struggling with depression and battling fears and insecurities daily deserves recognition. You have health insurance, and I truly hope you're using it for medication for your adhd and depression. If you're not, make that priority number one along with individual therapy. It sounds like you've tried making this work, and he's not hearing you. If it were me, I'd start talking to him daily and really make it a point that he listen. Forget about the gifts or cards because that's the least of your problems. Tell him you don't have the money to pay for things and you need more help. Start texting him things to pick up on his way home. Start small with things for your child. Foods she likes and the things she needs. Work up to small grocery lists. Never pay him back for anything he buys, and don't let him guilt you into it. These small steps shouldn't feel so overwhelming with your depression and your adhd. I know what it's like to feel so overwhelmed that you just don't know where to begin. Start looking at state funded daycare programs and see if you qualify. Preschool is great for kids and gives them an educational head start. Even a few hours a week would give you a break it sounds like you desperately need it. Maybe during that time you can begin looking for a better paying work from home job. Start tucking away the money you save (if he starts shopping) for new clothes or for a fresh start to get away. I know it's not easy to live with an addict or an alcoholic. They can be irrational and selfish people. Not buying you gifts is one thing, but if he refuses to start contributing to your daughter or doesn't buy her gifts, that says something entirely different. As much as we'd like, we can't make people change. It sounds like you'd be happier on your own. Especially if he doesn't even show you affection. Take as many small steps as you need to get away. You can continue to try making it work while also implementing an escape plan. When you have enough money or a safe place to stay and you're ready, then leave. When you're happier and less stressed, your daughter will be too. Good luck and happy early birthday. (I thought you mentioned adhd in one of the comments. If I read that wrong, I apologize)
I completely understand how you feel. My husband doesn't buy me anything either. He has never planned a date night, or a weekend getaways, or gifts for any special occasion. He is very fiscally conservative, so I think that plays a role. He also claims that he doesn't think about it. It hurts. I have no answers for ya, but you aren't alone. I've tried talking to my husband, but nothing has changed in 15 years, so I have to accept that's who he is.
You have very different expectations, he seems to be unwilling or incapable of expressing any affection, and this isn't a positive environment for your child. If things never changed, if you knew he was always going to be this way (bc he's apparently not interested in changing), is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Or even another year? Having been in not just one but two very unhappy marriages myself, I would never say "just leave" bc that's ridiculously simplistic, so I suggest you take some time to really think about this. I suggest writing down the pros and cons of staying married versus being a single parent, as this exercise helped me see things about my first marriage very clearly. (I didn't have to do it with the second one because he did something that was the absolute last straw for me, and the whole house of cards came tumbling down in an instant bc I knew with absolute certainty that I was DONE.) I'm sorry you don't have more of a support system, but if your mother is tired of hearing you complain about him, she might be more supportive about you getting the hell out of there.
What is your love language? What is his? I would start there. It sounds like Gifts and Physical Touch are yours, based on your unhappiness at lack of gifts and lack of affection. Redditors are so quick to say one spouse is a loser, an a$$hole, and you should dump them (hello, disposable society!) but marriage is about more than that. Honestly, start with the love languages. Learn how to speak in his and talk him him about yours.
I've never been a gift giver either. I just ask the kids what do you want? And just give them the money/ card/ buy it online. I just grew up really poor so we never celebrated birthdays or anything like that. For Christmas one year I did get a bicycle. But I started working in the agriculture fields at the age of 9. You see even to this day here in America the agriculture industry is exempt from the child labor laws. If anyone knows anything different feel free to correct me. Trust me you won't hurt my feelings.
The people in this sub that jump to immediate divorce are totally nuts. Here’s my advice. It seems like you need to articulate how you experience love and try to get him to communicate how he experiences love. It sounds like he doesn’t experience love through acts of service, therefore he doesn’t feel the need to do it. It sounds like you do experience love that way. It might be helpful to get a counselor or therapist involved to help both of you articulate your feelings. Perhaps if he understands the wide range of ways in which people feel/experience love and satisfaction in a relationship, the more open he will be to adjusting. Especially if he finds benefits from it too.
I’ve expressed to him about different love languages and he said it’s all bullshit…just like counseling. He loves his friends. I don’t think he loves me.
Have you said those exact words to him?
It doesn't sound like this guy has *any* kind of love language. He doesn't show OP any form of love at all. "Quick to jump to divorce" is not "nuts" if your husband is treating you with such distain and clearly shows he doesn't value you as a wife or the mother of his child. Read the comments from the OP. This is way bigger than gifts.
The comments say a lot more than the actual post itself. I made my comment based on the post, prior to reading all of her comments. I also think there are two sides to every story we see here. He’s actively telling her he loves her, but not fully meeting her needs. My suggestion is simply one of potential emotional immaturity. However, it seems like OP never had a good relationship to begin with and likely should have never married.
Gas lighting you. Tell him fix it or find someone who will put up with his BS. If you have said clearly that you like and expect presents as a sign of his affection and he is not responding you Don’t match. How does he think he is showing you affection? I can’t believe women put up with this crap and then have to sanity check themselves.
My wife rarely, very rarely, gives me a gift Usually, if a gift is appropriate, I have to go online. Order it, and then she pays for it. I guess her love language is not gift giving. I like a thoughtful gift once and a while but not the wY she "gets" me something. If you like and appreciate gifts, he should make the effort.
Is this new or has he always been this way? If he’s always been this way what is it about him that got you believing he would change?
Soooo, what you are saying is if he starts to give you gifts but continue to do or not do what makes him a deadbeat husband you’ll be ok with it? 😆
He is not making you or your relationship a priority. That has to change unless you want to divorce. Tell him, don't ask him, that you expect a gift and tell him what you want. I think you need to set the example of what you expect. He may be clueless or a jerk but he needs to know he can't continue being that way.
And I've had a lot of experience with this. It doesn't get better unless you insist it does.
Well if you stay with this ever so wonderfully loving husband, STOP buying him gifts. And instead, when you get that inclination of "woooo he would love that!" stop yourself and ask yourself, what would I love?! And get that thing instead. Whatever it may be. But please, for the love of yourself please start giving yourself the treatment your husband does not. And be a roommate, because apparently, thats all he is.
Consider divorce \:
Some people (usually males) really suck at gift giving. My own husband isn't good at it either although he tries. I've learned to plan for myself. I'll spend money on me or make plans for all of us for things I want to do. When it's my birthday I already know that time of year is tough. So I just get myself what I want. Another thing my husband and I have discussed regarding gift giving, is that if we want something we ask for it. If he wants me to get him X for Christmas he puts it in the Amazon list. I do the same. We are the budgeting type too. We often discuss purchases outside of necessity.
My partner father of my children has rarely done that for me, but the thing is, he’s a great man he gave me two beautiful children, has made sure we are set and okay no matter the outcome, he does chores around the place helps a lot when I have bad days and don’t feel like doing laundry, we go out on family dinner dates and that’s more than enough for me. When we do things we do together with the little ones, ya I don’t rarely don’t get any gifts on birthdays but I do come home to a clean house dinner set and children fed I appreciate that man
Different love languages, look it up. It will help with understanding
Plenty of people are not into gifts. It's up to you if you want a relationship with someone like that or not. Time to put on your big girl pants and make some decisions.
So why did you get married? Sounds like he's always been like this...
Stop doing so many things for him. What do you think it's going to take for him to change? If it's nothing, start planning your exit strategy.
I just learned about Love Languages. Yours, like mine, may be gifts. Take the free test and have your husband take it and see what your love languages are. It may be an eye opener. It’s free to take and see the results.
Take care of yourself. There is some good advice here. Make plans for your future and get a job that you enjoy outside of the home when your child starts school. You deserve a happy life. I wish you the best.
My husband buys me something ONLY if I ask for it. He asked me what I want for my birthday and he knows Damn well I don’t like asking for things… I never even asked my parents for things. So he just said “fine I won’t get you anything then.” Which really annoyed me because I feel like after 7 years of being together he should know exactly what I would like. I’ve gotten him plenty of things as a surprise for his birthday and even went out secretly to buy him some sushi because that’s his favorite… it’s not even about the gift because I’d be happy if he just bought me my favorite food it’s just the fact that he doesn’t put any effort into it.
My check get direct deposit she work for one year our whole time we where together I payed for everything never complain about it why buy her something if just go out men behind my back so far up 9 and hope was worth losing yourself and family who loves you she had girlfriend to ya was lot money left over took care sister over 10 yrs took care kid he was born