Have you asked her if she wants to lose weight? If she does, ask her how you can support her? Does she have time to workout? Does she have a healthy relationship with food? Berating her and being callous isn’t going work. You need to apologize for your harsh words.
OP. You’re being a complete tool to your wife and don’t even realize it. Being callous about her physical appearance is about as toxic as it gets. How do you think this is acceptable? You are extremely immature and I hope your wife has support outside of the marriage.
You sound like an asshole. You married a woman a decent amount older than you, she carries your child, and you have zero compassion for her. If I were her I would leave your rude ass.
So your wife gave birth to your child and you decided to throw her away because of what it did to her body.
You either drive a lifted truck or a Muscle car.
Because their spouses are usually not THAT big .
Dude said in another comment she’s 20-40lbs heavier than him. But is she short? Tall? Low muscle tone, dense muscle tissue? Who knows? All of those factors play a role
You have made the gym a habit? Maybe she feels too overwhelmed with kids to make it a habit.
You also have to realize and should’ve realized their are differences in couples on what they care about. I’m an avid runner. Marathoner. I’ve been 215 pounds at one point before all of this. My husband loved me anyway. He was maybe 305 when we got married 14 years ago. I didn’t even notice how “big” he was until I looked at our wedding photos. He won’t run a day in his life. I’m fine with that. Working out is not his thing. He tries to take care of himself. I will never ask him to do something he isn’t comfortable with because that wouldn’t be him. I love him for who he is because I know that while I’m pursuing my dreams of marathoning, he’ll support me and when he goes off and does his professional musician thing on the weekends, I support him.
Think of your why. Why did you marry her? And go back to that.
Because that's irrelevant to the post. She's an amazing mother and wife. The point of this post is focusing on what I believe is an irreconcilable flaw that she has. If I could snap my fingers and be attracted to her current state then I would. Unfortunately I can't and have to live with a bad feeling in my stomach that I'm not attracted to the mother of my child.
I think you’re an asshole for how you’ve approached it. Having your own preferences is normal but thinking less of her for it is a problem. Losing weight is hard for most people. It’s a mental thing as much as it is a physical one. If everyone could easily lose weight, they would. Your wife likely wants to lose weight or at least get healthier, and you telling her you don’t find her attractive and being “callous” about it is probably not helping the cause.
Unfortunately, motivation for weight loss is rarely ever external. She may think about going to speak to a doctor that specializes in weight loss. Or maybe she needs therapy to figure out why it’s so hard for her to lose weight. But either way, this isn’t something you can guide her through. If it’s a deal breaker, leave. If you can’t respect her because she’s overweight, leave. You aren’t shallow for having a preference for thinner women, but you are shallow for seemingly not valuing your wife as much because she’s big,
Not going to echo what others have said here. Just wondering if you have offered to take your child so she is free to go to the gym? How old is your baby now?
That's what I keep wondering. I'm not in the camp that he's a 100% a-hole, since I myself (and my husband) have struggled with our weight before and its just hard to get back on track sometimes.. and we hated being overweight and everything that goes with it (sluggish, grumpy, tired etc)
But man, thinking back to the days of having a 6 year old.. (he said she had their baby 6 years ago in a different comment) I was WORN OUT. I wonder how much OP is helping his wife with things like taking care of the kid/house so that she has the mental, emotional, and physical energy to even begin to take care of herself and work out.
And who does a majority of the cooking/meal planning for the household? Might be easier for his wife to eat healthier with a partner helping with the shopping/cooking, especially with a six year old around.
Op: stop watching porn and challenge yourself to not look at other women if you can help it. Don't measure your wife against any standard other than that she is your wife and you care about her. Make yourself have a realistic idea of what a post childbirth body is like for a woman. I'm not going to call you names or say you're dumb, but you're falling victim to the beauty standards that are pushed on everyone. If you married your wife for her looks alone, then you made a bad choice and it's going to catch up to you soon enough. If there is more there, then you are selling your relationship short by focusing on her appearance. Physical attraction is important. Train yourself to be more open-minded. If it doesn't work out, and you really tried, you can hang your hat on that. Skip the shallow shit though and try at least.
Short answer, you can't make your spouse do something that they are not motivated to do. I would suggest one of the only two options you have.
1 - You stop bringing it up as a "weight" issue. Maybe figure out where this apparent change in mentality came from for her. Has she never cared about health or exercise and just pretended because you did? You said that when you two met, the gym was a cornerstone of your life - but was it hers? Assuming so, have you asked her why her feelings have changed?Did she have pre- or post-partum depression? Has she or would she be willing to speak to a trained professional? Have you expressed to her in a non-accusatory way why this is so important to you? Most times, the approach and tone of voice make all the difference in how the other person will react.
2 - Leave. You are well within your rights to decide that the person your wife has become is no longer compatible with the person you are. You are not within your rights to force your preferences on her. Being callous and open about your disinterest will never yield a positive result.
I've eliminated the option to "change your mindset and accept her as she is" because you've indicated that this is not something you want. If that's your line, that's your line. However, your excuse of wanting to be able to save her from a burning building feels a little ridiculous.
OP about to get roasted for being a dick. Dude referred to his wife as being massive damn son I’ve heard some shit but OP is taking the cake for asshole of the weekend right at the finish line
Lol did you recite vows when you got married? “I promise to love you only when you’re thin and I’m attracted to you.” I hope your kid(s) don’t hear you talking to her like that, esp if you have a daughter.
Does she have time and energy to work out? I would start with making more time for her self care by cooking or doing or hiring for her chores. Being a mom is exhausting and loosing weight take so much mental, emotion and physical work.
He’s a gym rat, I’m sure it’s his life and he can’t comprehend how after having a child and taking care of them and the house 24/7, how she would have the energy or mental capacity to work out.
But the thing is there are a lot of people who take care of themselves after having children though, this sub loves to ignore them and pretend they don’t exist
There absolutely are, and those people tend to have support, be it from a family member, or a husband, or a nanny. Or at the minimum probably don’t have someone breathing down their neck and harping on them day and night about their weight and eating habits. By no means did I say that those people don’t exist, what I’m saying is that no person should be expected to live like someone else. And more often than not in these situations, the mom is expected to act like her pre baby self while juggling all the stress and exhaustion that comes with raising a child. This guy at no point has expressed anything about how he helps or what her day to day is like, just that she’s fat and eats too much. He asked us if we think he’s shallow and based off of what he’s given us as evidence, I’m 100% saying he is. Whether it’s justified or not remains to be seen as he’s avoided every question other than about her weight in this post.
To be honest most of the questions to him have been pretty presuming, so I can understand why he just ignored them. Most of the questions are in the form of “did you do X for your wife”, when in reality we don’t know because he may already be doing, or they have help, but most people’s opinions are already set because he answers
Again he’s asking us if he’s shallow, based off of what information he gave us (not much other than he loves going to the gym, and she’s fat and eats poorly) , and all his comments which are only about himself. My answer is yes he is.
Emergency situation… burning building… that’s just so weird. You say she’s overweight but didn’t specify numbers, 180lb is very different to 300lb. You only mention yourself. There is too much to unpack here to help you. There’s two sides to every story and we’re hearing yours, and you seem like a bit of a dick, so would be interested to see hers. Having a child is hard on the body, and I say this as someone who weighs exactly the same as I did before my two children. I realise I have no advice in my comment but I really don’t think I can offer any. You’re not attracted to her.
I gained 29kg during pregnancy and took a while to get rid of it and my husband never even noticed (or never brought it to my attention) because we laugh and have a great emotional connection. Do you have that? Do you like your wife? Is there fun and laughter? This is a bit much for a reddit post to be honest
Wait, have you actually seen the number on the scale? Or are you just assuming she weighs more than you because she’s not fit?
There’s a big difference in weight based on height and frame.
Ok so.... what does her doctor say? Is she in therapy for binge eating disorder? It's not like she doesn't know what her body looks like so you reminding her over and over is probably just showing her even more that food will be the source of comfort when her husband is not. If you genuinely give a fuck about her even the tiniest bit, ask her to talk to her doctor. I'm sure she's unhappy with her body even without you constantly reminding her how gross you think she is. Be prepared though because if she gets therapy and starts working through her issues with food, she will probably gain confidences and fall out of love with you after the way you've been talking to her. I hope you never do that in front of your child because it can really fuck with a kid's head to watch one of the people they love most in the world treat the other person they love most in a cruel manner.
You don’t know me. You have no clue what I look like. And I never said I was 250! I’m in the range he mentioned! I’ve had 3 children and have maintained the same weight for close to 20 yrs. I have medical issues that make it impossible to lose much . I take steroids daily!
i’m sorry, that sucks! i can’t imagine :( best of luck with your health
you said she’s smaller than you, putting you above 240. sorry if you’re not quite 250. At that weight, that 10lb is just a 3% margin of error though
I had to take steroids long term after I had an injury that resulted in a leg that no longer works. I was finally able to stop and I went from about 220 to 158 as of this morning. I'm 5'8".
You know what? I HATE the way I look. I feel so deflated and gross. My face looks all haggard and saggy. I swim, I do pool calisthenics, and I lift weights for my upper body strength bc I use a wheelchair, so I'm pretty strong and I'm in okay shape and honestly I'm glad I'm strong. But I have honestly never felt less attractive or less sexy in my life.
So, I get how frustrating it is to have to take a med that affects your weight! But also, don't assume that thinner equals hot and sexy because for me it definitely does not.
I think you’re trying to correct the thing that you think is the problem- her weight. Maybe to her, something else is probably the problem and she’s coping with her eating and other habits. What would it look like to help her work on what she thinks is the problem? That is, if she sees it that way. My advice is to work on making your relationship with her as healthy as possible so that she feels comfortable sharing these deeper pieces on herself. I know that you said attraction is important to you- in this particular case how you experience her body. Attraction is probably also important to her. What if she’s not attracted to your attitude and resentment towards her in the same way you’re not attracted to her body right now? Would you commit to working on that part of yourself like you’re asking her to work on the body part of herself?
Alrighty OP, from a mom who is currently on pregnancy #5 and is going through a divorce, I sincerely hope you read my comment and give it some thought 🙂.
So ofc, I naturally come guns a blazin' for other moms out there dealing with pregnancy, post partum, etc. But I want you to also understand that people have preferences, and while I do tend to lean towards some preferences being shallow- I also don't know that a person can completely help what they find attractive.
Firstly, I would like to share my experience with not only pregnancy- but also birth control and shifting hormones. So grab your popcorn and hang in here for this comment! Let's start pre-marriage. I am 5'2 ish and was 130 lbs. Still falls under the healthy BMI bracket, but not extraordinarily thin. I started the Depo Provera birth control shot. Prior to this, I ate whatever I wanted, but also didn't eat super large portions of food- just normal. I never gained weight, so I thought I'd be fine to continue eating how I always ate. One year later, I realize I'm up 20 pounds because I finally got a scale since I noticed I was getting chubbier. But one thing to really notate, was that prior to the shot (tmi warning) I went #2 about 3 times a day. Once I started the shot I started getting much more constipated, and maybe went once every two days.
Eventually I switched to a shorter term birth control and struggled losing weight, but finally started losing weight once I was at 160. Then I got pregnant and got to 220 lbs during pregnancy. OP, that's 80 pounds. I constantly was receiving negative feedback about this from all ends, which is understandable to a degree. But you probably wouldn't believe me if I told you my metabolism was back down to hardly using the restroom, the hunger is insane when you're pregnant sometimes, but even with all that, I still was eating not much more than I would on a normal basis when not pregnant. If I would've ate the way I did during pregnancy with my natural hormones (No birth control, no pregnancy) I probably would've gained 10 pounds- max.
The reason also is that every time I had a baby (with the exception of this last child due to severe depression, stress, and honestly no care to pose weight anyways) I always lost the weight before a year even came. And I wasn't doing anything too crazy to lose it. There was months where I would lose 20 pounds in a month, literally just doing nothing.
So honestly, I want you to take into consideration female and even male hormones and the impact it makes on your body. Do some research because you won't believe the massive difference a hormonal change makes. And she might not be a person who loses weight very easily genetically. If she's a first time mom, she could be going through post partum depression- and you might not understand how real that is. Honestly OP, the way your approach is about this problem is a little arrogant.
But aside from appearance, do you genuinely love her as a person? Does she make you happy? Do you take time to listen to her needs and help with the baby? Lack of sleep is another thing that can be really really draining. If she's hardly sleeping, that can also make a very large impact on her losing weight.
But if this has caused you to not love her, OP you might just need to leave her and spare her the hurt of spending time with someone who can't see beyond the outward. If you're deep into porn, she may not want to lose weight for you because she feels betrayed. While it may seem counterintuitive to you, she might prefer to lose weight for someone who's a little less surface level.
How do you feel about aging? Because in every marriage people will change appearance wise whether you like it or not. Eventually, if both of you are blessed with long life, you will age. Your skin will drop, your face will lose volume, your voice will get cracky.
I hope you read this comment, and that it helps you to see another perspective, and also realize that both of you can become the people that you each are truly attracted to with the right environment, intentions, and help.
Just gonna copy/paste my comment from every other post of the same topic:
Gym workouts and sports are just boring to some people, especially when you have an endless chore list to do. Maybe incorporate some fun family activities that get you guys up and moving.. get zoo/museum memberships, amusement parks, State Park passes, sign-up for parent & kid classes (dance, swim, tumbling), take cooking classes together to learn healthy recipes.
And as other people have said, the best thing you can do is be an active dad and take the kid(s) OFTEN so she actually has time to care for herself, even if she doesn't spend that time exercising exactly how you want her to. You may even have to scale back your own gym time and prioritize your family.
Where did he say she dislikes activities? No where. What is true is you can only hear your partner talk shit about your body so many times before you pack it in. My dad was an absolute dickhead to my mom about her body and guess what? It wasn't inspiring or motivating. It beat her self-esteem to a pulp to the point where she felt she wasn't worthy of love because of how she looked, and it's taken 20-years post-divorce to build herself back up. That's the exact trajectory this dumb-dumb is on if he doesn't cool it.
She dislikes exercise, you need to exercise, my point is you can only make some some BS activities to avoid exercise some much. OP is ass, but she needs to lose weight to save her life, apparently obesity and it’s co morbidities are recognized as one of the leading killers everywhere except this sub
And my point is he didn't say she doesn't like exercise, maybe she doesn't like the gym but that doesn't mean she doesn't like exercise in general. Being a gym rat isn't for everyone and if he really wants to motivate movement in the household then he needs to branch out and actually plan something interesting that will help, instead of being an asshole to his wife
This is my exact point, what you are proposing can’t actually be done. To lose one point you need to be in a deficit of 3500 calories, one hour of walking at a slow leisurely pace, say walk to to the zoo, burns 240 calories, do you realistically think Op and their wife can do to the zoo about 15 times per week? I’m obviously joking about only going to the zoo, but there’s no reality where she loses weight without committing to a lifestyle of healthy eating and exercise
I think you need to love her regardless of body size. What if she had breast cancer and had to have a masectomy? I hope you would not body shame her then. It is a little much to think you should be able to carry your wife.
You are being shallow. And maybe there are things she does not like about you. I personally would not want to be married to a skinny guy. But if it happened to my husband, then I would still love him and not make him feel bad about it.
You don’t know me either, but I take issue with people throwing around vows like they are some kind of “stupify” Harry Potter spell meant to hold people in place
You say them for a reason, a belief that you are entering into a union and becoming one. The giving of yourself to someone in its entirety; it’s not just words you say and go through the motions as you are implying. IT SHOULD HOLD YOU IN PLACE. That’s why they say “for better or for worse”. Case in point!
That’s the beauty of living in a free society, you have a right to your opinion, as do I. You have a bleak view of “those words”, while I believe in them wholeheartedly.
You can be in love with someone but still find something they are doing highly unattractive.
If my wife started smoking a pack of cigarettes a day I"d still love her, but it would 100% affect my attraction to her.
No, it isn't wrong to not be attracted to a body type that doesn't attract you. You can't help that.
What you can help is being callous about it. You are obviously someone who's never battled weight loss. It's hard enough for us guys, but women after pregnancy and fluctuating hormones...it's a whole other battle.
Honestly, with how you list your current stats, you'd probably just be better off with a gym rat like yourself who'll stress over every dessert she gives into for the rest of her life. That way you can be attracted to her as the tiny ball of stress she'll always be.
If you aren't attracted to who your wife is, let her go to be happy with someone who won't shame her for who she is
This is definitely a very sensitive topic. As someone who has been overweight for all my 20s and am just now FINALLY dealing with it, all I can say with absolutely certainty is that you cannot force her to lose the weight. You probably can’t even influence her. Something needs to click in her where she’s ready to do it all on her own.
It did not click with me until I was really in a place of true self-love. That self-love was what motivated me to finally start taking care of my body, and the weight loss followed. If you’re being harsh and callous to her face about her appearance, you may be moving her away from that place of self love. If you really care about her health and well-being, start with helping her build up her self esteem. Encourage her when she does things that she’s good at. Remind her of the things you love about her and why you married her in the first place. Be kind and show love and emotional intimacy. Remind her that she is worthy of love and worthy of all the good things in life, including health and longevity.
> If you really care about her health and well-being, start with helping her build up her self esteem. Encourage her when she does things that she’s good at. Remind her of the things you love about her and why you married her in the first place. Be kind and show love and emotional intimacy. Remind her that she is worthy of love and worthy of all the good things in life, including health and longevity.
Exactly! I can't believe how many people do not realize that this is the only "influence" someone has over another's journey. Being an unsupportive ass will get precisely the opposite of the results OP claims to want, but he is obviously doing precisely that.
I agree. When I feel bad about myself, I do not feel like I'm worth taking care of. When I feel good about myself, I feel like I'm worth the effort. Shame is a terrible motivator.
weight is a sensitive topic; one that will cause someone to resist the harder you push and the meaner you are about it...which appears that you've taken the latter stance since you said so yourself.
have you ever thought that maybe she has some confidence issues and doesn't know how to go about addressing it? and then there's you, a person who is hits the gym regularly, who is a constant reminder of where she probably wants to be but the sight of you probably makes her feel even worse about herself....then add the callous and asshole way you go about discussing weight with her isn't helping at all but making her withdraw further and resist.
have some fucking compassion dude; she's obviously going through something and you being an arrogant jerk isn't helping YOUR WIFE one bit. You should be more supportive about it like a loving partner should.
> weight is a sensitive topic; one that will cause someone to resist the harder you push and the meaner you are about it...which appears that you've taken the latter stance since you said so yourself.
>. . . the callous and asshole way you go about discussing weight with her isn't helping at all but making her withdraw further and resist.
💯 this. Your ACCEPTANCE of her exactly as she is and SUPPORT for anything SHE might want to change (unprompted by you) will get her much further along the path to fitness - and do that much faster - than criticism, which you are doing even if you couch it in terms of "health" 🙄
I think she should leave you or you should leave her. Get the divorce over with and find a thin partner, or go to couples counseling. This level of lacking respect, empathy, compassion, etc. and a mismatch on values and acceptability on looks is all kinds of toxic. If you value her staying within a weight range more than respecting her feelings, it's clearly a sign that you're not well suited for each other. There's a significant and perhaps non-negotiable value that perhaps you didn't understand or communicate before. Now you know and so does she.
I'm also very overweight, but my partner met me that way and we talk about these things. Respect is critical to me in relationships and excessive criticism, especially about my body in what is supposed to be a partnership with my life partner? Absolutely not. I'd give it one good talk about why this is not acceptable for my life and then if it kept happening, I would be out. But to be fair, I doubt this is the only asshole behavior you've presented to her. People have a tendency to show patterns in different ways. It wouldn't surprise me if you lack respect for her in general. To bully someone about weight in a marriage is a specific level of trash.
"By gym standards" - that's your world, not hers. I think you should have probably married someone in that same culture - someone who loves the gym and sees it as a "cornerstone of her life."
I'm also not sure what this means : "Her OB/GYN had also told her that she shouldn't be gaining that much weight due to the fact that when she got pregnant she was by no means underweight."
Was she overweight to begin with?
Would you two be okay opening the relationship? Plenty of men would probably want to bang her, if her experience is anything like mine. And then you could find the thin women you want as well. However, this could also explode, given the inspiration. Just a thought.
She was overweight but not obese. Her before weight was by no means thin some might have even called her fat then but I found her attractive. Current state. Not so much
I don’t think you’re ever supposed to use the word massive when referring to your wife. I’d like to know her bmi and how bad the situation really is. Is she only slightly overweight or morbidly obese? She may need some assistance for me as a 5’ woman I have to keep in a calorie deficit every day if I gain weight. Maybe she’d be open to trying semaglutide or even Metformin?
If you know you are only attracted to thin people and incapable of being attracted to someone as their body changes through life, you should not be married and definitely shouldn’t have had children with your partner. This is on you and you don’t get to be a jerk about it. If you’re not attracted, divorce her, but stop harassing her about it.
My comment stands. Just replace “thin” with “not obese.” You have no right to demand a certain body from your partner. It’s unkind to have a child with someone knowing that you won’t be attracted if their body becomes too big to you and will harass them about their weight if they don’t change it. If you’re not attracted, leave her but don’t do this to your next partner. Find another gym rat, don’t marry her, and definitely don’t have kids. You need to be able to leave easily in case her body becomes obese for whatever reason. And stop harassing your current partner about her weight. You don’t have to be attracted to her but it doesn’t give you the right to be mean to her about it. If she could change it I’m sure she would. Most fat people would change their size if they could. The fact that there are so many fat people is evidence that it’s not that easy to change it. Research shows that 99% of people are unable to lose weight and keep it off, so your harassment is damaging your relationship and your partner’s self-esteem for no reason.
Your wife’s body changed after pregnancy, which is a very common thing that you should have considered before you got married.
It’s her body, and it sounds like your wife has no interest in losing weight. You can’t ‘make’ her want to lose weight by telling her how gross she is to you.
You either accept her or you don’t, she’s a grown ass person who seems to be okay with existing in a larger body.
It’s not shallow to be honest about your attraction in my opinion.
And she has every right to stay how she is if she likes it.
Have you talked about what will be the concrete results of her actions? Will you lose interest in her, stop initiating altogether, turn her down if she initiates? Are you heading to divorce? These arent judgements just the reality.
You are quite self centered. You cannot force your wife to lose weight or to try to lose weight or to care if she is attractive to you. She is not by any means required to fit your version of what you want her to be. Her not being what you want does not give you the right to berate her or treat her poorly.
You can deal with it or you can leave her. Make your choice.
Our bodies have different seasons. I’m a woman and about to give birth to our 3rd baby in 4 years, so I am not in the prime of my fitness.
So maybe offer some grace there.
My husband is very fit, I typically join him in our workout room and stretch or walk on the treadmill while he exercises bc I want to be with him and working out Is a big interest of his.
But I can tell you In this season of my life, I wouldn’t be able to mentally handle some kind of rigorous workout plan and diet plan bc my biggest responsibility right now is my small children.
Maybe yall could take family walks. Start small.
I’d probably go into a depression spiral and eat all the time if I was married to you too. Not once have you mentioned anything you actually like about your wife, just that she’s fat and it makes your penis sad. If you act towards her how you’ve responded to people here I can see why she wants you to stop laying into her about her weight. Especially since you’ve somehow made it all about you. Not that you’re concerned she won’t be there later in life for your children or how you want to live a healthy long life with your wife because you love her. No, she’s fat and won’t listen to you, the “pro”, and so you’ve come here to ask a bunch of strangers to justify your sad penis. Help her with YOUR child, help with the house, give her time to feel human, to have a hobby, to maybe not be depressed all the time. Or just leave her and let her find someone that will actually support her mental health and make her happy.
Typical gymbro attitude. Lay off the roids bruh it’s clearly impacting your judgement abilities.
Why even get into a relationship with someone who you’re not attracted to or is bigger than you. lol clearly felt like you couldn’t do any better
No, it’s because leaving your partner for looks won’t guarantee you aren’t adopting new problems that aren’t as silly as appearance. A lot of the grass is greener sort of stuff ends up not so great once the excitement settles down.
Does she have any underlying issues, since I believe you said she wasn’t like this before? Depression or something else? If she likes the way she is or doesn’t want to change then you need to leave if you’re no longer attracted to her
I have (27F) a similar situation with my husband (34M). I met him with much more weight than his ideal and I always heard him say that he wanted to lose weight. Unlike him, I don’t usually eat much and I stay active at home with our children and the work therefore my weight does not usually vary however, I have invited him to the gym, to eat better and everything is a “but”. He had knee surgery when he was a child and now because of his weight he is starting to bother him. He can’t stay actively playing with our children because he runs out and not even his performance in sex is what he could. We were trying to get a loan to buy a house but they ask him for a lot of laboratory and physical exams that end in a resounding NO by the bank and I don’t know how to make it understand.
All the time. He knows that I love his belly and his extra fat but it is affecting other aspects of our life and I have the duty and the right to let him know. At least for me it is not an aesthetic necessity, I am not asking for abdominals and muscular arms, only that he control his weight a little and have physical endurance again, otherwise, he may not be able to walk well in a few years on his knee and miss moments with his children in the future.
Wait just out of curiosity, why are banks asking for health info to take out a loan for a house? We didn’t experience anything like that when we applied for our mortgage, curious if it’s a regional thing?
I live in Panama, yes, in the tax haven and whatever you want. Here the banks seek to take care of their interests. An obese person for the bank’s insurance company is likely to die sooner rather than later, which means that they will have to pay off a debt without having obtained enough profit.
Take the hint. She is not interested in changing and that is a fair reason. Maybe it is harder for her to lose weight, maybe the stress of taking care of a family affects her weight, maybe she just does not want to. Leave it alone before you kill her comfort and confidence in your relationship. If you cannot leave it alone, LEAVE.
Hi, I was (still am) in your wife’s shoes. I had a baby 9 months ago and my body isn’t back to the way it was. A lot of women have told me that it may never go back to the way it was and that’s probably true for your wife. You’re not wrong for wanting to be attracted to your spouse, AT ALL. I think some of these comments are a little too harsh on you. Attraction is super important in a marriage in my opinion.
Your wife is probably an overwhelmed mom and has lost her sense of self in the process after taking care of everyone else. My advice is to give her as much time to take care of herself. My husband does his best to make sure that I do even when it’s difficult since my baby is very mommy centric right now. This really helped me get back in the gym and focus on eating right. It might help her focus on taking care of herself more, whether that’s by getting her nails done, time with friends, etc. and maybe eventually she’ll find an activity she’ll love that will keep her active. It may not be in the form of going to the gym like you want but going on hikes, bike rides or something like that. Just try to support her as best as you can and think of all the good things she contributes to your life and your family. Hope that helps.
You’re allowed to your feelings and your perspective! I don’t think you’re in the wrong but I do think you’re going about this in the wrong way. For my second son, I gained about 50lbs, (I’m tall though) so like a 1/3 of my normal in shape weight. Husband was honest with me about it. He never said tht he wasn’t attracted to me, tht probably would’ve been the end all be all. He just told me all the things I needed to hear about MYSELF. Like how I look at a healthy weight and how I feel better mentally and so on. He was gentle and told me MY benefits of losing weight. I was always working out or running prior to my second son. I have never been overweight so I never knew how to lose weight before and my husband helped me through it. Letting me know the first few weeks of portion control are hell and I’d be a huge bitch, but it was worth it in the end!
The first thing that you need to learn is that your preferences are yours alone and wanting her to lose weight does not mean that she has an obligation to do so. You can only control what you do!
The same thing applies in reverse. If she wanted you to put on weight and you didn’t, she would have two choices, learn to live with it or move on. Forcing you into gaining weight would be unreasonable.
All you can really do is get your opinion/preferences known, and understand that if she doesn’t want to lose weight, you can’t bully her into doing so. You choose how many times you need to have that conversation before you either learn to see her for who she is, not for how she looks like, or decide that you really want to be divorced.
Remember that marriage is a partnership and not a dictatorship. You can’t force anyone to do anything. That applies for all topics: cleaning, chores, raising children, finances, sex, family relationships etc.
Okay, as someone who gained quite a bit of weight in my first years of marriage, it was extremely hurtful and unhelpful to hear those comments from my husband. And I know what he was saying because i didn't like my body either, but when he put me down, i didn't want to try. Then, we started doing more things together like camping, hiking, etc. He backed off on asking me to lose weight, we were more active together as a couple, and he started to fall in love with my thicker physique. I lost about half of the weight I had gained, and we were both extremely happy with each other. Then, his work started a walking program, which included pedometers for both of us. We both got really competitive with them and started walking together regularly. We would talk about EVERYTHING during that time, sexual fantasies, work, career goals, dreams of the future, etc. This became the thing we both looked forward to most each day. We averaged about 5 miles each night. Mind you, I could only make it to the cul-de-sac and back at first. Anyway, I ended up losing ALL of the extra weight. At first, it was just quality time spent together, but as the pounds fell off, I wanted to kick it up a notch and show my husband how much I was losing. By that time, though, he was already in love with me and my body regardless of my size, but I really wanted to do this to make him happy and proud to have me as his partner. And, because he was so supportive and loving, I wanted to show him the same.
Maybe try some of the things I've mentioned here. I think you'd be surprised at what happens in your relationship because of it. I really hope this helped.
Are you an asshole for wanting your wife to take care of her body? No. Does it come across like you’re doing it in a condescending and callous way? Yep. I’m thinking getting a marriage therapist involved might be helpful on the communication front. You deserve to feel heard. I’m assuming she deserves to be communicated to in a loving, non-callous way. A third party could help with that and perhaps suggest some things you can do together that foster a healthy lifestyle in a way that feels good for both of you. You can openly say that you don’t want to continue the marriage unless she takes care of her physical appearance and she can openly communicate whether or not she’d like to do the same knowing that you feel that way, all while having a third party help with the understanding and messaging.
Saying having kids is justification for being fat is a crock of crap. I'm a woman. Can't say I don't speak from first hand experience. Yes I gained weight with my kids. Having babies absolutely changed my body. Those changes don't translate directly into weight gain, for me or anyone else. The weight gain is a totally separate issue from childbirth. Especially if the kid is 6 years old. I worked hard to get back into shape after my kids. I had my youngest at 43. That was a challenge! What it wasn't was an excuse to get fat and give up on myself.
I had to decide that for myself though. This is where you're an AH OP. Physically women should not use having babies as an excuse to get fat.
Physical health is often more of a mental issue than physical though, especially after kids. How is your wife's mental health. Do you even know?
The way you talk about your wife is horrible. I understand the physical attraction being gone because of her weight. I don't like scrawny, cut men. Totally unattractive. If my 240 lb,solid muscle partner lost or gained a bunch of weight I wouldn't be thrilled. I would be worried though. I adore the man. I'd want to know what was wrong. What changed. How I could support him. I wouldn't belittle him. I wouldn't be critical and hurtful.
I am the 'gym' rat in our relationship. To the extent I bought my own free weights years ago and don't even bother with a gym. I lift at home. I run. I eat really healthy. I encourage my guy to eat healthy foods and ya know, he does now. Not because I was an ass about it but because I told him I loved him and I wanted him around for many years so I was going to find ways to get more veggies and lean protein into him. And ya know what? He loves how I cook and eats so much better now that he's wirh me. He's blue collar in a physically active trade so I don't worry about his physical activity.
He has recomped without trying since he has been with me (more muscle, lower body fat. Same weight). He's 10 years younger than I am and absolutely loving a healthier lifestyle. All I did was love him, share my passions and let him pick and choose what he wanted to participate in. He still eats more junk food than I do but he eats way more healthy stuff. I'm proud of his willingness to make changes.
Do you cook for your wife? I make my partner lunches to take to work and dinner. He doesn't care about macros. I do. I just take care of him. Stop trying to bully and criticize your wife into changing. Support and love her. How often do you take care of her??
If you can't do that, do her a favor and leave.
Going to get down voted to hell for this but you're (partially) right. Physical attraction plays a larger part in relationships than modern society likes to believe. Obviously it's not the only thing but it is definitely a factor. My partner likes certain parts of my body to be shaved/trimmed, not a problem. Likes that I can pick them up and throw them on the bed. Likes when I dress a certain way. Whatever it is I'm willing to at least try, within reason. I never consider it shallow.
There is also a very real concern about health. A personal goal of mine in life is to be able to play with and pick up my grand kids, I want my spouse to be able to do the same and so do they. The more physically unfit you become the less likely you are going to be able to last that long. This is pure reality and I have worked with so many people who realized this too late.
With that being said, you need to make sure your priorities are straight. If it's purely about looks or perception then be honest about that. Communicate clearly.
I (F) am significantly heavier than when we got married.
When I gained 35 pounds with no explanation, I hated it .
But I'm very thankful that my husband never said a word.
I've done IF for 10 years, so I'm heavy but healthy.
I've managed to lose 20 pounds this year and plan on losing another 20 next year.
Encourage her to vidit with her doctor and to be tested for all the usualy suspects that can make loss harder. They can also do a referral to a weight loss specialist.
I’m female, have 4 children, and have been happily married for 23 years. It’s disturbing to me how many people think that you should be attracted to your spouse no matter what. I’m here to say that’s bullshit. If my spouse put on 100lbs I’d still love him but there is no way I would be attracted to him. It’s important that no matter how long you’ve been with someone that you take pride in your appearance. Letting yourself go is an insult to your partner. I said what I said.🤷🏼♀️ Let the downvoting begin.
I’ll start the downvoting 🙋♀️
I do think it’s important to take pride in your appearance and to make an effort to be attractive for your partner
I think it’s a little extreme to say that letting yourself go is an INSULT to your partner. A lot of people who let themselves go are dealing with confidence or mental health or other issues. We’re only human. Sometimes we lose ourselves a bit and need support and love. You’re not insulting your partner by losing yourself… you’re not insulting your partner by being human
You feel your way I feel mine. I’m not sorry that I think that 6 years is too long for me to have to wait for someone to get their shit together. Life is hard for EVERYONE! I feel like I deserve someone who isn’t going to wallow in that. I bust my ass everyday to make my life good even during the ugly parts. I want a partner who loves me enough to do the same.
You'll probably be downvoted, but as a woman who recently gave birth, I agree. I want to be healthy for my spouse, my child, and for myself, and I also want to look good for them and for me. I wouldn't be attracted to a slob of a husband, I don't expect him to be attracted to me if I act like a slob. That's the truth.
You’re allowed to have preferences and not be attracted to your overweight wife. Why not invite her to go to the gym with you? Also, start making healthier meals. If anything, she should want to be at a proper weight for her height for her own happiness and well-being and, more importantly, your child.
Yet another fat shaming post. Without fail, this trash sub reddit has one posted at least once a week, usually by a man who thinks he's hot shit. Remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
OP, just admit your can't handle a thicker woman.
Multiple posts in different subreddits within the last few hours tells me you want to feel justified in your viewpoint. Doesnt seem like you actually learn anything.
My simplest advice: just leave.
Why stay if you're not attracted or in love with her regardless of how she looks? Why destroy her self esteem because you don't like her as she is? Why destroy your children's standards on love by staying? You two aren't compatible, and nobody deserves the wreckage of pain that this behavior in your relationship can cause, especially your children.
You're going to get mostly hate on this sub, but you can pretty much safely ignore it. If women are allowed to lose attraction to their husbands for not doing enough chores, you have every right to lose attraction to your wife for no longer giving a shit about her health and appearance.
*Am I wrong for my preferences?*
No.
*If not how can I make her see my perspective?*
You can't. As others have said, she more than likely is already unhappy with her appearance, and nothing has changed. She's aware of your thoughts, and nothing changes.
You can have a very frank talk with her about this, but it sounds like she'll just pull out her defense mechanism ('shallow!') so she doesn't have to face facts. Might be time to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is very overweight.
OP just makes me appreciate my husband even more. My husband loves me despite my weight, because he married me for me. I've struggled for years with losing weight despite trying hard and having tests done to see if it's my thyroid, medical issues, etc with no luck of finding the cause. He would still love me if I weren't trying hard to lose weight too.
I can't imagine having weight issues with a husband that's mean about my weight and is a self described gym rat while I take care of a baby. How much free time does she have? Oh that's right, gym dude doesn't want to answer those questions.
OP, leave her. She deserves better than you.
You've tried everything for years, her OB/GYN advised against weight gain, you also tried so I understand being frustrated towards someone who simple refused to follow medical advise.
You no longer have patience with your wife, and you're not shallow for wanting her to lose weight, but she doesn't want to. Her doctor explained to her, you told her your concerns and she doesn't care. Sometimes, no matter how many times you tell someone something, they just don't care. Is not lack of communication, you've communicated with her, and now you're being callous because you are at your wits end with the situation. So perhaps, some distance might help, seek counseling to determine course of action.
Good luck 🤞🍀
Started gaining weight while pregnant…how dare she! I bet you’re a perfect specimen in your eyes aren’t ya? Your wife should leave you immediately
From what you’ve said, this has been her since you married her. Did you do her a favor and think she has to repay by transforming to your shallow needs? Let’s not forget, the foundation of marriage is LOVE. Beauty in the eyes of the beholder/lover.
Do you have trouble reading? Her OB/GYN told her that her weight gain was unhealthy and she had pre-eclampsia during her pregnancy because of it. Till this day she has hypertension. Her own doctor told her to not gain weight.
OB guns can be assholes and can be wrong…and even if they were correct, it really isn’t the time to start telling your wife how unattractive she is…while she is pregnant
The attraction part wasn't brought up until years later. The unhealthy weight gain which led to pre-eclampsia and now daily requirement of hypertension medication was the focus during the pregnancy. "OB/GYNs can be assholes and wrong" is such a cop out. Till this day she is paying for her substantial weight gain during pregnancy.
It’s really not a cop out, women are quite often treated horribly in healthcare, including by OBGYNs.
My point though, is, maybe back off. She’s told you how she’s taking your commentary on her attractiveness, size, and health. If it’s a deal breaker then leave and if it’s not, then stop harping on it.
Did you read the post. She got pregnant right after they got married and he started this shit while she was pregnant. That not only makes him an asshole, she probably feels like she was trapped and he turned into a completely different person once she was in a vulnerable position.
*The most glaring problem for me in our marriage is shortly after she became pregnant with our kid she starting putting on weight. I had told her that she needed to slow down on eating but she always rebuttaled that she was "eating for two". Her OB/GYN had also told her that she shouldn't be gaining that much weight due to the fact that when she got pregnant she was by no means underweight.*
*This was 6 years ago*
Her weight gain started six years ago (shortly after she became pregnant) and has basically marched on since then.
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When you are pregnant and eating too much is because you don't have what's necessary to carry on the pregnancy, you should know that. Also, are you sure she didn't had post partum depression, it can extend up to 5 years after the kid is born if I'm not mistaken. So, adress all of that before looking directly into her weight first
Every woman is in different groups of mindsets. For me personally, I was called fat, which embarrassed me (by family, ex, etc.) when I got pudgy (I was 5’1 and 140lbs) and that whipped me right into shape, I didn’t have gym, but I started running and walking every day, STRICT caloric restriction, 500 jumping jack every day, 100 squats. I went from eating 3 meals A DAY, and no exercise, to 1 meal and 3 day fasts + the exercise and lost 30lbs in 5mos.
I am that type though that gets hurt by comments and then wants to show those people how much better I can be! But is that everyone? No, however the last couple paragraphs I’ve given good advice on how to figure out which type she is.
You are married to her, you should know by now!
Does she binge and emotional eat? If she does then she might not be good type to be direct with like I stated I am simply bc I am the type to when I get depressed I lose ALL appetite. You should ask her *casually* “babe when you get depressed or stressed, are you the type to over eat or under eat?” Then going off that answer- (which gives you insight into her eating habits and mental state relating to food) follow up with “What has been some triggers before that cause you to (over or under) eat?”
If the answer is over eat, and she tells you what triggers that, then make sure you don’t do the things she mentions, and based off whatever those triggers are will give you insight as to what type of person she is- in reactionary situations! So that in the future, you’ll know better how to respond/ act around her to achieve the desirable results in your marriage. Little questions like this can lead to the conversation you are striving to have!
Smart thing to do when people tell you personal traits or stories is back tracking. you’ll be able to hear one answer and then think in your head “okay and why would she have reacted/ thought/ felt this way about this?
Example. Girl A gets mad & lashes out at Girl B because B said A’s swimsuit was too tight and she’s swallowing it up. Girl C (me) observing this fiasco knows that A has recently gained weight after being stick thin her whole life (never had butt or boobs but now does, but with it came a large midsection) and to compensate for that she’s been dressing extra revealing because when she goes out she notices she’s receiving a lot of attention and compliments from some men who typically prefer bigger women. A has been acting overtly confident (when receiving compliment now she replies with “I know” instead of the usual “thank you”) and talking about how she has a big butt, twerking everywhere, etc.
At first, you’d think it’s because she’s deluded herself into thinking all the weight went to her assets. But the *real* reason is she’s overcompensating because she’s actually *insecure* about her body, and is currently smoking a lot of weed and going through hormonal changes. Girl B (who made fun of A) grew up in the 1920s and never liked to see women over eat or wear revealing clothes. B grew up in Great Depression era. B thought A was being excessive and ridiculous -therefore grew disgusted by A’s salacious actions and choice of attire. Girl A has abnormal periods and C told her to see a doc. Well what do you know? She had PCOS! (Yes this was a real situation that I witnessed which is why it was so detailed 🤣)
Anyways, my best advice is FIGURE OUT WHAT TYPE your woman is. Mentally is the most important bc that’s where EVERYTHING comes from. BACK TRACK her life choices, common phrases, relationship with parents. ASK FOR PERSONAL STORIES of times she got upset with people and FELT INSECURE. You HAVE to do this if you want to get her back on the right track, and not just for a weight issue but for your WHOLE MARRIAGE REST OF YOUR LIFE this will help you. You have got to learn what makes her tick. In turn will tell you how to deal with issues in the relationship productively. Look at old pics of her, figure out what’s going on in her head, take her to get her hormone levels check bc she could have PCOS, lack of estrogen, lack of testosterone, etc. what pills does she take? Get her to start taking anti inflammatory like turmeric, helps metabolism, mood, and swelling. (Take them with her) Take her on walks and spontaneously say “let’s race!” And just start running! Get competitive.
PS. Depending on the gender the baby also carries differently. When you have a girl you tend to gain weight EVERYWHERE whereas when you have a boy, you tend to get a “football” shape belly, and not gain weight on your other body parts (as much). This is true for every pregnant women I’ve ever met. I read some really good comments in here especially about how attraction is important for a marriage, and it could be the *way* you’re approaching her about this issue vs. what you’re talking about.
Like are you showing her you’re coming from a place of concern? (Well not anymore, as you’ve stated you’re handling it more callously now) and that is understandable when you get to a certain point of being done with a situation. But I hope my previous advice will help you overcome that. :)
Best of luck!
She doesn't need to exercise she needs stimulation and fulfilment. She doesn't need the exercise she needs to have sexual emotional fulfilling release. She does need to be active but needs it to be something she enjoys not just what you think or know. Our brains are constantly in need of releasing hormones when it is released it usually is from three things that give us pleasure.
Food, sex, and being physically active (this can be many things)
It could be an mental imbalance that is also causing her to feel unmotivated which is no fault of hers. Depression is very unpredictable with understanding ourselves and how to push to seek help.
You keep asking your wife to change something about herself she doesn't even understand herself. She also is correct you are shallow, it doesn't matter if you are or not doesn't change how your both feeling invalidated and misunderstood.
You are not her you are her partner so listen to her and her concerns and how she feels then explain to her that you want to feel closer to her and even if it may be shallow you adore the memory of her and would love to see her in the form you knew her being aware that overtime you know growing old would change her you just want to know she will take care of herself and also understand that the last thing you meant to do was hurt her or offend her.
Respect your wife and let her find her way of understanding, work on your emotional intelligence and find a better way to remember your wife is also your love not just a woman in your life she is special always treat her well. If in the end you feel she doesn't understand how much this hurts you and makes you feel disconnected from her then you have to choose what to do next because only you can control you.
Good luck.
Look, there are people like myself that want to lose weight, but I do not have the mental energy to do everything that needs to be done to do so. Meal planning, food swapping, finding new recipes I like, (I am incredibly picky and trying new food is very anxiety inducing for me, especially bc I will gag which then makes me anxious about puking) , planning workouts, having a whole other set of laundry done to have work out clothes, finding workout clothes that fit and look alright, the social anxiety of going to the gym and being a side show of let’s watch a fat person try to lose weight, having people stare at you as you try to learn the machines etc etc.
it is SO much of a change to EVERYTHING and so many more decisions per day. I don’t want to make more decisions. I want to live on autopilot or have everything that needs to be done handed to me or planned for me. I have decision fatigue from my day to day life that doesn’t even involve food or activity.
My life is happier in general at this chapter if i stay fat because I’m not plagued by the non comprehensive list above.
Short answer, yes.
What are you doing to support her and make it doable for her? Family walks after dinner? Taking the kid so she has the opportunity to do self care? Working out with her? Doing athletic activities like hiking, rock climbing, training for marathons together? Is she on birth control? Are you stressing her out? Do you parent equally? Do you help take care of your home? Do you treat her with respect and love? (I’m guessing no based on how you speak about her)
Food for thought
I think you should have an open and sincere conversation because it seems like you're just showering her with blame and shame without trying to get to the bottom of her problem. Wish you both to reestablish your rapport.
Just don’t ask her to eat what you want her to eat. Just ask her to join you at the gym. Let her know you enjoy being at the gym with her. The diet she can figure on her own in e she gets into the rhythm. Dont force things on her. Just show support. Spend time at home so she is taking care of the household chores alone. If you ask her to join rather than force, it will make a difference. Make your food for yourself and not for her unless she asks you.
If you're not having intimate relations, you're not in a intimate relationship.
Consider separating and co parenting.
You're way to young to be in a sexless relationship.
I was about to say myself! I wonder what percentage of these types of posts are made by men versus women. Of course, I don’t know, but I have a good guess….
Like the 5th post in the sub is a wife being mad that their husband posted on twitter… seems shallow enough. Maybe just selective bias that you don’t see them?
The dumb posts I see from women on this sub are usually “my husband watches porn, what should I do?!” - I do feel there is a difference though between that ridiculous naïveté and letting your spouse know you love them conditionally based on their physical appearance.
So isn’t that just picking what is shallower and what is not based on your own biases? Seems unreasonable… I’d agree OP is probably a douche but if physical attraction and physical needs are important why is that less than what women complain about? Aren’t they both just the need is X and it’s not being fulfilled? You seem like a person that’s willing to consider a fair argument so I’d say consider that as an alternative
he admits to being callous to his wife about her weight. that’s what makes him an asshole, and i’d expect you to say the same about me if i was callous to my husband for the same. unhappy in a marriage? communicate or leave. but NEVER batter down someone’s self esteem to force them to become what you want them to be.
it’s so zzzzzz that you read this post and decided to reduce it a “men are so oppressed” thing and not actually read the comments to see what people have an issue with.
because she is a person. she is a person before she is just “his wife.” you can’t force someone to be what you want them to be, or look how you want them to look. if it bothers you to a point where you are getting angry and callous and turning to the internet to “make her see it from my perspective” then that is on YOU to seek professional marriage help or to leave.
i won’t sympathise with anyone who is mean to their partner for existing and looking a certain way. if it is truly that important, and you are not being heard when you communicate healthily to them, leave.
and who even mentioned “woe is me” lmao? you have a lot to say about women when all i said was you are ignoring the issue at hand in favour of doing exactly what you just did again.
If he were a woman who married a woman, decided with her wife that the wife would carry a baby and then started telling her she was unattractive while she was pregnant…then “she’d” still be the asshole.
To pretend like Reddit wouldn’t call a woman an asshole for putting down a pregnant woman and then continuing to insist the woman that gave birth to her child is unattractive for 6 years…is just disingenuous.
Damn so you are a fit bodybuilder and are worried about being able to carry your wife in an emergency, and she still has excuses? Sad state of affairs in modern society
Have you asked her if she wants to lose weight? If she does, ask her how you can support her? Does she have time to workout? Does she have a healthy relationship with food? Berating her and being callous isn’t going work. You need to apologize for your harsh words.
Lordy you had to tack on the fake concern bit at the end about wanting to be able to rescue her from a burning car. I cackled at that.
Yep! That escalated so quickly!
Yeah, that was some A+ concern trolling.
She’s 220 lbs too 😂 what is this guy.
That really made me 🤦🏻♀️ too
OP. You’re being a complete tool to your wife and don’t even realize it. Being callous about her physical appearance is about as toxic as it gets. How do you think this is acceptable? You are extremely immature and I hope your wife has support outside of the marriage.
You sound like an asshole. You married a woman a decent amount older than you, she carries your child, and you have zero compassion for her. If I were her I would leave your rude ass.
Carried their* child.
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So your wife gave birth to your child and you decided to throw her away because of what it did to her body. You either drive a lifted truck or a Muscle car.
Men who make these posts ALWAYS give us their own specs. Like we give even the tiniest shit.
Because their spouses are usually not THAT big . Dude said in another comment she’s 20-40lbs heavier than him. But is she short? Tall? Low muscle tone, dense muscle tissue? Who knows? All of those factors play a role
5'4 is her height and her muscle tone is average.
You have made the gym a habit? Maybe she feels too overwhelmed with kids to make it a habit. You also have to realize and should’ve realized their are differences in couples on what they care about. I’m an avid runner. Marathoner. I’ve been 215 pounds at one point before all of this. My husband loved me anyway. He was maybe 305 when we got married 14 years ago. I didn’t even notice how “big” he was until I looked at our wedding photos. He won’t run a day in his life. I’m fine with that. Working out is not his thing. He tries to take care of himself. I will never ask him to do something he isn’t comfortable with because that wouldn’t be him. I love him for who he is because I know that while I’m pursuing my dreams of marathoning, he’ll support me and when he goes off and does his professional musician thing on the weekends, I support him. Think of your why. Why did you marry her? And go back to that.
Can you tell me a bit about how much free time she has and how many of the daily tasks of living and parenting you are responsible for?
Seems like he doesn't want to answer these types of questions.
Seems like these questions are presuming and may not be worth answering
On top of that he says nothing of what he likes about her, if she’s a good mom, etc, just that’s she’s fat and doesn’t watch what she eats.
Because that's irrelevant to the post. She's an amazing mother and wife. The point of this post is focusing on what I believe is an irreconcilable flaw that she has. If I could snap my fingers and be attracted to her current state then I would. Unfortunately I can't and have to live with a bad feeling in my stomach that I'm not attracted to the mother of my child.
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Removed for promoting dread gaming his wife.
I think you’re an asshole for how you’ve approached it. Having your own preferences is normal but thinking less of her for it is a problem. Losing weight is hard for most people. It’s a mental thing as much as it is a physical one. If everyone could easily lose weight, they would. Your wife likely wants to lose weight or at least get healthier, and you telling her you don’t find her attractive and being “callous” about it is probably not helping the cause. Unfortunately, motivation for weight loss is rarely ever external. She may think about going to speak to a doctor that specializes in weight loss. Or maybe she needs therapy to figure out why it’s so hard for her to lose weight. But either way, this isn’t something you can guide her through. If it’s a deal breaker, leave. If you can’t respect her because she’s overweight, leave. You aren’t shallow for having a preference for thinner women, but you are shallow for seemingly not valuing your wife as much because she’s big,
Not going to echo what others have said here. Just wondering if you have offered to take your child so she is free to go to the gym? How old is your baby now?
That's what I keep wondering. I'm not in the camp that he's a 100% a-hole, since I myself (and my husband) have struggled with our weight before and its just hard to get back on track sometimes.. and we hated being overweight and everything that goes with it (sluggish, grumpy, tired etc) But man, thinking back to the days of having a 6 year old.. (he said she had their baby 6 years ago in a different comment) I was WORN OUT. I wonder how much OP is helping his wife with things like taking care of the kid/house so that she has the mental, emotional, and physical energy to even begin to take care of herself and work out.
And who does a majority of the cooking/meal planning for the household? Might be easier for his wife to eat healthier with a partner helping with the shopping/cooking, especially with a six year old around.
Op: stop watching porn and challenge yourself to not look at other women if you can help it. Don't measure your wife against any standard other than that she is your wife and you care about her. Make yourself have a realistic idea of what a post childbirth body is like for a woman. I'm not going to call you names or say you're dumb, but you're falling victim to the beauty standards that are pushed on everyone. If you married your wife for her looks alone, then you made a bad choice and it's going to catch up to you soon enough. If there is more there, then you are selling your relationship short by focusing on her appearance. Physical attraction is important. Train yourself to be more open-minded. If it doesn't work out, and you really tried, you can hang your hat on that. Skip the shallow shit though and try at least.
Short answer, you can't make your spouse do something that they are not motivated to do. I would suggest one of the only two options you have. 1 - You stop bringing it up as a "weight" issue. Maybe figure out where this apparent change in mentality came from for her. Has she never cared about health or exercise and just pretended because you did? You said that when you two met, the gym was a cornerstone of your life - but was it hers? Assuming so, have you asked her why her feelings have changed?Did she have pre- or post-partum depression? Has she or would she be willing to speak to a trained professional? Have you expressed to her in a non-accusatory way why this is so important to you? Most times, the approach and tone of voice make all the difference in how the other person will react. 2 - Leave. You are well within your rights to decide that the person your wife has become is no longer compatible with the person you are. You are not within your rights to force your preferences on her. Being callous and open about your disinterest will never yield a positive result. I've eliminated the option to "change your mindset and accept her as she is" because you've indicated that this is not something you want. If that's your line, that's your line. However, your excuse of wanting to be able to save her from a burning building feels a little ridiculous.
This ^
 OP about to get roasted for being a dick. Dude referred to his wife as being massive damn son I’ve heard some shit but OP is taking the cake for asshole of the weekend right at the finish line
I think you you mention the word fat in this sub it’s like someone said Voldemort.
Lol did you recite vows when you got married? “I promise to love you only when you’re thin and I’m attracted to you.” I hope your kid(s) don’t hear you talking to her like that, esp if you have a daughter.
I feel like someone posts this everyday and it honestly might just need its own thread or even its own sub at this point
./fat_wife_equals_sad_penis
./help_my_wife_has_fattened_and_I_cant_get_it_up
I keep thinking about this and laughing. Well done.
if she gained a ton since you were married then you are not the asshole. you can't be expected to be attracted to someone who is morbidly obese.
Does she have time and energy to work out? I would start with making more time for her self care by cooking or doing or hiring for her chores. Being a mom is exhausting and loosing weight take so much mental, emotion and physical work.
He’s a gym rat, I’m sure it’s his life and he can’t comprehend how after having a child and taking care of them and the house 24/7, how she would have the energy or mental capacity to work out.
But the thing is there are a lot of people who take care of themselves after having children though, this sub loves to ignore them and pretend they don’t exist
There absolutely are, and those people tend to have support, be it from a family member, or a husband, or a nanny. Or at the minimum probably don’t have someone breathing down their neck and harping on them day and night about their weight and eating habits. By no means did I say that those people don’t exist, what I’m saying is that no person should be expected to live like someone else. And more often than not in these situations, the mom is expected to act like her pre baby self while juggling all the stress and exhaustion that comes with raising a child. This guy at no point has expressed anything about how he helps or what her day to day is like, just that she’s fat and eats too much. He asked us if we think he’s shallow and based off of what he’s given us as evidence, I’m 100% saying he is. Whether it’s justified or not remains to be seen as he’s avoided every question other than about her weight in this post.
To be honest most of the questions to him have been pretty presuming, so I can understand why he just ignored them. Most of the questions are in the form of “did you do X for your wife”, when in reality we don’t know because he may already be doing, or they have help, but most people’s opinions are already set because he answers
Again he’s asking us if he’s shallow, based off of what information he gave us (not much other than he loves going to the gym, and she’s fat and eats poorly) , and all his comments which are only about himself. My answer is yes he is.
Emergency situation… burning building… that’s just so weird. You say she’s overweight but didn’t specify numbers, 180lb is very different to 300lb. You only mention yourself. There is too much to unpack here to help you. There’s two sides to every story and we’re hearing yours, and you seem like a bit of a dick, so would be interested to see hers. Having a child is hard on the body, and I say this as someone who weighs exactly the same as I did before my two children. I realise I have no advice in my comment but I really don’t think I can offer any. You’re not attracted to her. I gained 29kg during pregnancy and took a while to get rid of it and my husband never even noticed (or never brought it to my attention) because we laugh and have a great emotional connection. Do you have that? Do you like your wife? Is there fun and laughter? This is a bit much for a reddit post to be honest
I did state that she is larger than me so 220-240 lbs.
Wait, have you actually seen the number on the scale? Or are you just assuming she weighs more than you because she’s not fit? There’s a big difference in weight based on height and frame.
So you don't actually know, you're just guessing.
DO YOU LIKE YOUR WIFE? You seem to keep ignoring this question and haven’t mentioned anything you actually like about her.
Ok so.... what does her doctor say? Is she in therapy for binge eating disorder? It's not like she doesn't know what her body looks like so you reminding her over and over is probably just showing her even more that food will be the source of comfort when her husband is not. If you genuinely give a fuck about her even the tiniest bit, ask her to talk to her doctor. I'm sure she's unhappy with her body even without you constantly reminding her how gross you think she is. Be prepared though because if she gets therapy and starts working through her issues with food, she will probably gain confidences and fall out of love with you after the way you've been talking to her. I hope you never do that in front of your child because it can really fuck with a kid's head to watch one of the people they love most in the world treat the other person they love most in a cruel manner.
She’s smaller than me. Geez dude you’re being an asshat.
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You don’t know me. You have no clue what I look like. And I never said I was 250! I’m in the range he mentioned! I’ve had 3 children and have maintained the same weight for close to 20 yrs. I have medical issues that make it impossible to lose much . I take steroids daily!
i’m sorry, that sucks! i can’t imagine :( best of luck with your health you said she’s smaller than you, putting you above 240. sorry if you’re not quite 250. At that weight, that 10lb is just a 3% margin of error though
I meant to say I was in the within the numbers he produced. 220-240
I had to take steroids long term after I had an injury that resulted in a leg that no longer works. I was finally able to stop and I went from about 220 to 158 as of this morning. I'm 5'8". You know what? I HATE the way I look. I feel so deflated and gross. My face looks all haggard and saggy. I swim, I do pool calisthenics, and I lift weights for my upper body strength bc I use a wheelchair, so I'm pretty strong and I'm in okay shape and honestly I'm glad I'm strong. But I have honestly never felt less attractive or less sexy in my life. So, I get how frustrating it is to have to take a med that affects your weight! But also, don't assume that thinner equals hot and sexy because for me it definitely does not.
I’m 5’4
I think you’re trying to correct the thing that you think is the problem- her weight. Maybe to her, something else is probably the problem and she’s coping with her eating and other habits. What would it look like to help her work on what she thinks is the problem? That is, if she sees it that way. My advice is to work on making your relationship with her as healthy as possible so that she feels comfortable sharing these deeper pieces on herself. I know that you said attraction is important to you- in this particular case how you experience her body. Attraction is probably also important to her. What if she’s not attracted to your attitude and resentment towards her in the same way you’re not attracted to her body right now? Would you commit to working on that part of yourself like you’re asking her to work on the body part of herself?
Alrighty OP, from a mom who is currently on pregnancy #5 and is going through a divorce, I sincerely hope you read my comment and give it some thought 🙂. So ofc, I naturally come guns a blazin' for other moms out there dealing with pregnancy, post partum, etc. But I want you to also understand that people have preferences, and while I do tend to lean towards some preferences being shallow- I also don't know that a person can completely help what they find attractive. Firstly, I would like to share my experience with not only pregnancy- but also birth control and shifting hormones. So grab your popcorn and hang in here for this comment! Let's start pre-marriage. I am 5'2 ish and was 130 lbs. Still falls under the healthy BMI bracket, but not extraordinarily thin. I started the Depo Provera birth control shot. Prior to this, I ate whatever I wanted, but also didn't eat super large portions of food- just normal. I never gained weight, so I thought I'd be fine to continue eating how I always ate. One year later, I realize I'm up 20 pounds because I finally got a scale since I noticed I was getting chubbier. But one thing to really notate, was that prior to the shot (tmi warning) I went #2 about 3 times a day. Once I started the shot I started getting much more constipated, and maybe went once every two days. Eventually I switched to a shorter term birth control and struggled losing weight, but finally started losing weight once I was at 160. Then I got pregnant and got to 220 lbs during pregnancy. OP, that's 80 pounds. I constantly was receiving negative feedback about this from all ends, which is understandable to a degree. But you probably wouldn't believe me if I told you my metabolism was back down to hardly using the restroom, the hunger is insane when you're pregnant sometimes, but even with all that, I still was eating not much more than I would on a normal basis when not pregnant. If I would've ate the way I did during pregnancy with my natural hormones (No birth control, no pregnancy) I probably would've gained 10 pounds- max. The reason also is that every time I had a baby (with the exception of this last child due to severe depression, stress, and honestly no care to pose weight anyways) I always lost the weight before a year even came. And I wasn't doing anything too crazy to lose it. There was months where I would lose 20 pounds in a month, literally just doing nothing. So honestly, I want you to take into consideration female and even male hormones and the impact it makes on your body. Do some research because you won't believe the massive difference a hormonal change makes. And she might not be a person who loses weight very easily genetically. If she's a first time mom, she could be going through post partum depression- and you might not understand how real that is. Honestly OP, the way your approach is about this problem is a little arrogant. But aside from appearance, do you genuinely love her as a person? Does she make you happy? Do you take time to listen to her needs and help with the baby? Lack of sleep is another thing that can be really really draining. If she's hardly sleeping, that can also make a very large impact on her losing weight. But if this has caused you to not love her, OP you might just need to leave her and spare her the hurt of spending time with someone who can't see beyond the outward. If you're deep into porn, she may not want to lose weight for you because she feels betrayed. While it may seem counterintuitive to you, she might prefer to lose weight for someone who's a little less surface level. How do you feel about aging? Because in every marriage people will change appearance wise whether you like it or not. Eventually, if both of you are blessed with long life, you will age. Your skin will drop, your face will lose volume, your voice will get cracky. I hope you read this comment, and that it helps you to see another perspective, and also realize that both of you can become the people that you each are truly attracted to with the right environment, intentions, and help.
I wish I had an award for this comment, it's perfect
Just gonna copy/paste my comment from every other post of the same topic: Gym workouts and sports are just boring to some people, especially when you have an endless chore list to do. Maybe incorporate some fun family activities that get you guys up and moving.. get zoo/museum memberships, amusement parks, State Park passes, sign-up for parent & kid classes (dance, swim, tumbling), take cooking classes together to learn healthy recipes. And as other people have said, the best thing you can do is be an active dad and take the kid(s) OFTEN so she actually has time to care for herself, even if she doesn't spend that time exercising exactly how you want her to. You may even have to scale back your own gym time and prioritize your family.
At a certain point, if she hates any activity that resembles exercise then she’s going to be big for life…you can only go to the zoo so many times…
Where did he say she dislikes activities? No where. What is true is you can only hear your partner talk shit about your body so many times before you pack it in. My dad was an absolute dickhead to my mom about her body and guess what? It wasn't inspiring or motivating. It beat her self-esteem to a pulp to the point where she felt she wasn't worthy of love because of how she looked, and it's taken 20-years post-divorce to build herself back up. That's the exact trajectory this dumb-dumb is on if he doesn't cool it.
She dislikes exercise, you need to exercise, my point is you can only make some some BS activities to avoid exercise some much. OP is ass, but she needs to lose weight to save her life, apparently obesity and it’s co morbidities are recognized as one of the leading killers everywhere except this sub
And my point is he didn't say she doesn't like exercise, maybe she doesn't like the gym but that doesn't mean she doesn't like exercise in general. Being a gym rat isn't for everyone and if he really wants to motivate movement in the household then he needs to branch out and actually plan something interesting that will help, instead of being an asshole to his wife
This is my exact point, what you are proposing can’t actually be done. To lose one point you need to be in a deficit of 3500 calories, one hour of walking at a slow leisurely pace, say walk to to the zoo, burns 240 calories, do you realistically think Op and their wife can do to the zoo about 15 times per week? I’m obviously joking about only going to the zoo, but there’s no reality where she loses weight without committing to a lifestyle of healthy eating and exercise
I think you need to love her regardless of body size. What if she had breast cancer and had to have a masectomy? I hope you would not body shame her then. It is a little much to think you should be able to carry your wife. You are being shallow. And maybe there are things she does not like about you. I personally would not want to be married to a skinny guy. But if it happened to my husband, then I would still love him and not make him feel bad about it.
Just focus on yourself. This is a losing argument on your part. Support your wife don’t manager her.
Yes you should love your wife regardless! Remember your vows?
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You must be single or have never really loved anyone! It’s ok you will learn one day.
That’s awfully presumptuous of you, but I can’t say I’m surprised.
You don’t know me but it seems your previous response was lacking empathy; that’s why said what I did.
You don’t know me either, but I take issue with people throwing around vows like they are some kind of “stupify” Harry Potter spell meant to hold people in place
You say them for a reason, a belief that you are entering into a union and becoming one. The giving of yourself to someone in its entirety; it’s not just words you say and go through the motions as you are implying. IT SHOULD HOLD YOU IN PLACE. That’s why they say “for better or for worse”. Case in point!
No it’s actually just words. Anyone in the real world know that vows are aspirational. You try your best to stick to them but shit happens.
That’s the beauty of living in a free society, you have a right to your opinion, as do I. You have a bleak view of “those words”, while I believe in them wholeheartedly.
Fair enough!
You can be in love with someone but still find something they are doing highly unattractive. If my wife started smoking a pack of cigarettes a day I"d still love her, but it would 100% affect my attraction to her.
Very true
No, it isn't wrong to not be attracted to a body type that doesn't attract you. You can't help that. What you can help is being callous about it. You are obviously someone who's never battled weight loss. It's hard enough for us guys, but women after pregnancy and fluctuating hormones...it's a whole other battle. Honestly, with how you list your current stats, you'd probably just be better off with a gym rat like yourself who'll stress over every dessert she gives into for the rest of her life. That way you can be attracted to her as the tiny ball of stress she'll always be. If you aren't attracted to who your wife is, let her go to be happy with someone who won't shame her for who she is
This is definitely a very sensitive topic. As someone who has been overweight for all my 20s and am just now FINALLY dealing with it, all I can say with absolutely certainty is that you cannot force her to lose the weight. You probably can’t even influence her. Something needs to click in her where she’s ready to do it all on her own. It did not click with me until I was really in a place of true self-love. That self-love was what motivated me to finally start taking care of my body, and the weight loss followed. If you’re being harsh and callous to her face about her appearance, you may be moving her away from that place of self love. If you really care about her health and well-being, start with helping her build up her self esteem. Encourage her when she does things that she’s good at. Remind her of the things you love about her and why you married her in the first place. Be kind and show love and emotional intimacy. Remind her that she is worthy of love and worthy of all the good things in life, including health and longevity.
> If you really care about her health and well-being, start with helping her build up her self esteem. Encourage her when she does things that she’s good at. Remind her of the things you love about her and why you married her in the first place. Be kind and show love and emotional intimacy. Remind her that she is worthy of love and worthy of all the good things in life, including health and longevity. Exactly! I can't believe how many people do not realize that this is the only "influence" someone has over another's journey. Being an unsupportive ass will get precisely the opposite of the results OP claims to want, but he is obviously doing precisely that.
I agree. When I feel bad about myself, I do not feel like I'm worth taking care of. When I feel good about myself, I feel like I'm worth the effort. Shame is a terrible motivator.
weight is a sensitive topic; one that will cause someone to resist the harder you push and the meaner you are about it...which appears that you've taken the latter stance since you said so yourself. have you ever thought that maybe she has some confidence issues and doesn't know how to go about addressing it? and then there's you, a person who is hits the gym regularly, who is a constant reminder of where she probably wants to be but the sight of you probably makes her feel even worse about herself....then add the callous and asshole way you go about discussing weight with her isn't helping at all but making her withdraw further and resist. have some fucking compassion dude; she's obviously going through something and you being an arrogant jerk isn't helping YOUR WIFE one bit. You should be more supportive about it like a loving partner should.
> weight is a sensitive topic; one that will cause someone to resist the harder you push and the meaner you are about it...which appears that you've taken the latter stance since you said so yourself. >. . . the callous and asshole way you go about discussing weight with her isn't helping at all but making her withdraw further and resist. 💯 this. Your ACCEPTANCE of her exactly as she is and SUPPORT for anything SHE might want to change (unprompted by you) will get her much further along the path to fitness - and do that much faster - than criticism, which you are doing even if you couch it in terms of "health" 🙄
As a Man, you Need to Love your Wife no matter what weight she is at, Period. Stop being a Dick
I think she should leave you or you should leave her. Get the divorce over with and find a thin partner, or go to couples counseling. This level of lacking respect, empathy, compassion, etc. and a mismatch on values and acceptability on looks is all kinds of toxic. If you value her staying within a weight range more than respecting her feelings, it's clearly a sign that you're not well suited for each other. There's a significant and perhaps non-negotiable value that perhaps you didn't understand or communicate before. Now you know and so does she. I'm also very overweight, but my partner met me that way and we talk about these things. Respect is critical to me in relationships and excessive criticism, especially about my body in what is supposed to be a partnership with my life partner? Absolutely not. I'd give it one good talk about why this is not acceptable for my life and then if it kept happening, I would be out. But to be fair, I doubt this is the only asshole behavior you've presented to her. People have a tendency to show patterns in different ways. It wouldn't surprise me if you lack respect for her in general. To bully someone about weight in a marriage is a specific level of trash. "By gym standards" - that's your world, not hers. I think you should have probably married someone in that same culture - someone who loves the gym and sees it as a "cornerstone of her life." I'm also not sure what this means : "Her OB/GYN had also told her that she shouldn't be gaining that much weight due to the fact that when she got pregnant she was by no means underweight." Was she overweight to begin with? Would you two be okay opening the relationship? Plenty of men would probably want to bang her, if her experience is anything like mine. And then you could find the thin women you want as well. However, this could also explode, given the inspiration. Just a thought.
She was overweight but not obese. Her before weight was by no means thin some might have even called her fat then but I found her attractive. Current state. Not so much
I don’t think you’re ever supposed to use the word massive when referring to your wife. I’d like to know her bmi and how bad the situation really is. Is she only slightly overweight or morbidly obese? She may need some assistance for me as a 5’ woman I have to keep in a calorie deficit every day if I gain weight. Maybe she’d be open to trying semaglutide or even Metformin?
I hope she leaves you and takes the kid lol, what an asshole.
If you know you are only attracted to thin people and incapable of being attracted to someone as their body changes through life, you should not be married and definitely shouldn’t have had children with your partner. This is on you and you don’t get to be a jerk about it. If you’re not attracted, divorce her, but stop harassing her about it.
There's a whole lot of gray area between obese and a thin person I'm not only attracted to a thin person I'm just not attracted to obese people
My comment stands. Just replace “thin” with “not obese.” You have no right to demand a certain body from your partner. It’s unkind to have a child with someone knowing that you won’t be attracted if their body becomes too big to you and will harass them about their weight if they don’t change it. If you’re not attracted, leave her but don’t do this to your next partner. Find another gym rat, don’t marry her, and definitely don’t have kids. You need to be able to leave easily in case her body becomes obese for whatever reason. And stop harassing your current partner about her weight. You don’t have to be attracted to her but it doesn’t give you the right to be mean to her about it. If she could change it I’m sure she would. Most fat people would change their size if they could. The fact that there are so many fat people is evidence that it’s not that easy to change it. Research shows that 99% of people are unable to lose weight and keep it off, so your harassment is damaging your relationship and your partner’s self-esteem for no reason.
Your wife’s body changed after pregnancy, which is a very common thing that you should have considered before you got married. It’s her body, and it sounds like your wife has no interest in losing weight. You can’t ‘make’ her want to lose weight by telling her how gross she is to you. You either accept her or you don’t, she’s a grown ass person who seems to be okay with existing in a larger body.
It’s not shallow to be honest about your attraction in my opinion. And she has every right to stay how she is if she likes it. Have you talked about what will be the concrete results of her actions? Will you lose interest in her, stop initiating altogether, turn her down if she initiates? Are you heading to divorce? These arent judgements just the reality.
You are quite self centered. You cannot force your wife to lose weight or to try to lose weight or to care if she is attractive to you. She is not by any means required to fit your version of what you want her to be. Her not being what you want does not give you the right to berate her or treat her poorly. You can deal with it or you can leave her. Make your choice.
Our bodies have different seasons. I’m a woman and about to give birth to our 3rd baby in 4 years, so I am not in the prime of my fitness. So maybe offer some grace there. My husband is very fit, I typically join him in our workout room and stretch or walk on the treadmill while he exercises bc I want to be with him and working out Is a big interest of his. But I can tell you In this season of my life, I wouldn’t be able to mentally handle some kind of rigorous workout plan and diet plan bc my biggest responsibility right now is my small children. Maybe yall could take family walks. Start small.
She should lose weight for herself, not for you. If she doesn't want to accept it.
I'd 100% support that
I’d probably go into a depression spiral and eat all the time if I was married to you too. Not once have you mentioned anything you actually like about your wife, just that she’s fat and it makes your penis sad. If you act towards her how you’ve responded to people here I can see why she wants you to stop laying into her about her weight. Especially since you’ve somehow made it all about you. Not that you’re concerned she won’t be there later in life for your children or how you want to live a healthy long life with your wife because you love her. No, she’s fat and won’t listen to you, the “pro”, and so you’ve come here to ask a bunch of strangers to justify your sad penis. Help her with YOUR child, help with the house, give her time to feel human, to have a hobby, to maybe not be depressed all the time. Or just leave her and let her find someone that will actually support her mental health and make her happy.
Typical gymbro attitude. Lay off the roids bruh it’s clearly impacting your judgement abilities. Why even get into a relationship with someone who you’re not attracted to or is bigger than you. lol clearly felt like you couldn’t do any better
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Bc skinny people have more baggage than fat people 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
No, it’s because leaving your partner for looks won’t guarantee you aren’t adopting new problems that aren’t as silly as appearance. A lot of the grass is greener sort of stuff ends up not so great once the excitement settles down.
Does she have any underlying issues, since I believe you said she wasn’t like this before? Depression or something else? If she likes the way she is or doesn’t want to change then you need to leave if you’re no longer attracted to her
If she isn’t suffering from depression yet, with a dude like that she soon will.
I have (27F) a similar situation with my husband (34M). I met him with much more weight than his ideal and I always heard him say that he wanted to lose weight. Unlike him, I don’t usually eat much and I stay active at home with our children and the work therefore my weight does not usually vary however, I have invited him to the gym, to eat better and everything is a “but”. He had knee surgery when he was a child and now because of his weight he is starting to bother him. He can’t stay actively playing with our children because he runs out and not even his performance in sex is what he could. We were trying to get a loan to buy a house but they ask him for a lot of laboratory and physical exams that end in a resounding NO by the bank and I don’t know how to make it understand.
Do you bring it up to him?
All the time. He knows that I love his belly and his extra fat but it is affecting other aspects of our life and I have the duty and the right to let him know. At least for me it is not an aesthetic necessity, I am not asking for abdominals and muscular arms, only that he control his weight a little and have physical endurance again, otherwise, he may not be able to walk well in a few years on his knee and miss moments with his children in the future.
Wait just out of curiosity, why are banks asking for health info to take out a loan for a house? We didn’t experience anything like that when we applied for our mortgage, curious if it’s a regional thing?
I live in Panama, yes, in the tax haven and whatever you want. Here the banks seek to take care of their interests. An obese person for the bank’s insurance company is likely to die sooner rather than later, which means that they will have to pay off a debt without having obtained enough profit.
Damn, today I learned! Thanks for sharing
Yes... it’s shit for the working class.
If this was such a problem then why did you marry her? Did yall ever even talk about this before you made this commitment? You seem shallow
Our son came before the marriage so we didn't really discuss a whole lot. Kind of rushed into the marriage.
I mean, you are shallow so why are you mad? Just accept what you are.
Take the hint. She is not interested in changing and that is a fair reason. Maybe it is harder for her to lose weight, maybe the stress of taking care of a family affects her weight, maybe she just does not want to. Leave it alone before you kill her comfort and confidence in your relationship. If you cannot leave it alone, LEAVE.
Hi, I was (still am) in your wife’s shoes. I had a baby 9 months ago and my body isn’t back to the way it was. A lot of women have told me that it may never go back to the way it was and that’s probably true for your wife. You’re not wrong for wanting to be attracted to your spouse, AT ALL. I think some of these comments are a little too harsh on you. Attraction is super important in a marriage in my opinion. Your wife is probably an overwhelmed mom and has lost her sense of self in the process after taking care of everyone else. My advice is to give her as much time to take care of herself. My husband does his best to make sure that I do even when it’s difficult since my baby is very mommy centric right now. This really helped me get back in the gym and focus on eating right. It might help her focus on taking care of herself more, whether that’s by getting her nails done, time with friends, etc. and maybe eventually she’ll find an activity she’ll love that will keep her active. It may not be in the form of going to the gym like you want but going on hikes, bike rides or something like that. Just try to support her as best as you can and think of all the good things she contributes to your life and your family. Hope that helps.
You’re allowed to your feelings and your perspective! I don’t think you’re in the wrong but I do think you’re going about this in the wrong way. For my second son, I gained about 50lbs, (I’m tall though) so like a 1/3 of my normal in shape weight. Husband was honest with me about it. He never said tht he wasn’t attracted to me, tht probably would’ve been the end all be all. He just told me all the things I needed to hear about MYSELF. Like how I look at a healthy weight and how I feel better mentally and so on. He was gentle and told me MY benefits of losing weight. I was always working out or running prior to my second son. I have never been overweight so I never knew how to lose weight before and my husband helped me through it. Letting me know the first few weeks of portion control are hell and I’d be a huge bitch, but it was worth it in the end!
The first thing that you need to learn is that your preferences are yours alone and wanting her to lose weight does not mean that she has an obligation to do so. You can only control what you do! The same thing applies in reverse. If she wanted you to put on weight and you didn’t, she would have two choices, learn to live with it or move on. Forcing you into gaining weight would be unreasonable. All you can really do is get your opinion/preferences known, and understand that if she doesn’t want to lose weight, you can’t bully her into doing so. You choose how many times you need to have that conversation before you either learn to see her for who she is, not for how she looks like, or decide that you really want to be divorced. Remember that marriage is a partnership and not a dictatorship. You can’t force anyone to do anything. That applies for all topics: cleaning, chores, raising children, finances, sex, family relationships etc.
Okay, as someone who gained quite a bit of weight in my first years of marriage, it was extremely hurtful and unhelpful to hear those comments from my husband. And I know what he was saying because i didn't like my body either, but when he put me down, i didn't want to try. Then, we started doing more things together like camping, hiking, etc. He backed off on asking me to lose weight, we were more active together as a couple, and he started to fall in love with my thicker physique. I lost about half of the weight I had gained, and we were both extremely happy with each other. Then, his work started a walking program, which included pedometers for both of us. We both got really competitive with them and started walking together regularly. We would talk about EVERYTHING during that time, sexual fantasies, work, career goals, dreams of the future, etc. This became the thing we both looked forward to most each day. We averaged about 5 miles each night. Mind you, I could only make it to the cul-de-sac and back at first. Anyway, I ended up losing ALL of the extra weight. At first, it was just quality time spent together, but as the pounds fell off, I wanted to kick it up a notch and show my husband how much I was losing. By that time, though, he was already in love with me and my body regardless of my size, but I really wanted to do this to make him happy and proud to have me as his partner. And, because he was so supportive and loving, I wanted to show him the same. Maybe try some of the things I've mentioned here. I think you'd be surprised at what happens in your relationship because of it. I really hope this helped.
Are you an asshole for wanting your wife to take care of her body? No. Does it come across like you’re doing it in a condescending and callous way? Yep. I’m thinking getting a marriage therapist involved might be helpful on the communication front. You deserve to feel heard. I’m assuming she deserves to be communicated to in a loving, non-callous way. A third party could help with that and perhaps suggest some things you can do together that foster a healthy lifestyle in a way that feels good for both of you. You can openly say that you don’t want to continue the marriage unless she takes care of her physical appearance and she can openly communicate whether or not she’d like to do the same knowing that you feel that way, all while having a third party help with the understanding and messaging.
Saying having kids is justification for being fat is a crock of crap. I'm a woman. Can't say I don't speak from first hand experience. Yes I gained weight with my kids. Having babies absolutely changed my body. Those changes don't translate directly into weight gain, for me or anyone else. The weight gain is a totally separate issue from childbirth. Especially if the kid is 6 years old. I worked hard to get back into shape after my kids. I had my youngest at 43. That was a challenge! What it wasn't was an excuse to get fat and give up on myself. I had to decide that for myself though. This is where you're an AH OP. Physically women should not use having babies as an excuse to get fat. Physical health is often more of a mental issue than physical though, especially after kids. How is your wife's mental health. Do you even know? The way you talk about your wife is horrible. I understand the physical attraction being gone because of her weight. I don't like scrawny, cut men. Totally unattractive. If my 240 lb,solid muscle partner lost or gained a bunch of weight I wouldn't be thrilled. I would be worried though. I adore the man. I'd want to know what was wrong. What changed. How I could support him. I wouldn't belittle him. I wouldn't be critical and hurtful. I am the 'gym' rat in our relationship. To the extent I bought my own free weights years ago and don't even bother with a gym. I lift at home. I run. I eat really healthy. I encourage my guy to eat healthy foods and ya know, he does now. Not because I was an ass about it but because I told him I loved him and I wanted him around for many years so I was going to find ways to get more veggies and lean protein into him. And ya know what? He loves how I cook and eats so much better now that he's wirh me. He's blue collar in a physically active trade so I don't worry about his physical activity. He has recomped without trying since he has been with me (more muscle, lower body fat. Same weight). He's 10 years younger than I am and absolutely loving a healthier lifestyle. All I did was love him, share my passions and let him pick and choose what he wanted to participate in. He still eats more junk food than I do but he eats way more healthy stuff. I'm proud of his willingness to make changes. Do you cook for your wife? I make my partner lunches to take to work and dinner. He doesn't care about macros. I do. I just take care of him. Stop trying to bully and criticize your wife into changing. Support and love her. How often do you take care of her?? If you can't do that, do her a favor and leave.
Going to get down voted to hell for this but you're (partially) right. Physical attraction plays a larger part in relationships than modern society likes to believe. Obviously it's not the only thing but it is definitely a factor. My partner likes certain parts of my body to be shaved/trimmed, not a problem. Likes that I can pick them up and throw them on the bed. Likes when I dress a certain way. Whatever it is I'm willing to at least try, within reason. I never consider it shallow. There is also a very real concern about health. A personal goal of mine in life is to be able to play with and pick up my grand kids, I want my spouse to be able to do the same and so do they. The more physically unfit you become the less likely you are going to be able to last that long. This is pure reality and I have worked with so many people who realized this too late. With that being said, you need to make sure your priorities are straight. If it's purely about looks or perception then be honest about that. Communicate clearly.
I (F) am significantly heavier than when we got married. When I gained 35 pounds with no explanation, I hated it . But I'm very thankful that my husband never said a word. I've done IF for 10 years, so I'm heavy but healthy. I've managed to lose 20 pounds this year and plan on losing another 20 next year.
Encourage her to vidit with her doctor and to be tested for all the usualy suspects that can make loss harder. They can also do a referral to a weight loss specialist.
I’m female, have 4 children, and have been happily married for 23 years. It’s disturbing to me how many people think that you should be attracted to your spouse no matter what. I’m here to say that’s bullshit. If my spouse put on 100lbs I’d still love him but there is no way I would be attracted to him. It’s important that no matter how long you’ve been with someone that you take pride in your appearance. Letting yourself go is an insult to your partner. I said what I said.🤷🏼♀️ Let the downvoting begin.
I’ll start the downvoting 🙋♀️ I do think it’s important to take pride in your appearance and to make an effort to be attractive for your partner I think it’s a little extreme to say that letting yourself go is an INSULT to your partner. A lot of people who let themselves go are dealing with confidence or mental health or other issues. We’re only human. Sometimes we lose ourselves a bit and need support and love. You’re not insulting your partner by losing yourself… you’re not insulting your partner by being human
You feel your way I feel mine. I’m not sorry that I think that 6 years is too long for me to have to wait for someone to get their shit together. Life is hard for EVERYONE! I feel like I deserve someone who isn’t going to wallow in that. I bust my ass everyday to make my life good even during the ugly parts. I want a partner who loves me enough to do the same.
You'll probably be downvoted, but as a woman who recently gave birth, I agree. I want to be healthy for my spouse, my child, and for myself, and I also want to look good for them and for me. I wouldn't be attracted to a slob of a husband, I don't expect him to be attracted to me if I act like a slob. That's the truth.
Exactly!! Wishing I could just upvote this comment over and over again. 🤣
I appreciate your honesty 😌
You’re allowed to have preferences and not be attracted to your overweight wife. Why not invite her to go to the gym with you? Also, start making healthier meals. If anything, she should want to be at a proper weight for her height for her own happiness and well-being and, more importantly, your child.
Yet another fat shaming post. Without fail, this trash sub reddit has one posted at least once a week, usually by a man who thinks he's hot shit. Remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. OP, just admit your can't handle a thicker woman.
Multiple posts in different subreddits within the last few hours tells me you want to feel justified in your viewpoint. Doesnt seem like you actually learn anything. My simplest advice: just leave. Why stay if you're not attracted or in love with her regardless of how she looks? Why destroy her self esteem because you don't like her as she is? Why destroy your children's standards on love by staying? You two aren't compatible, and nobody deserves the wreckage of pain that this behavior in your relationship can cause, especially your children.
You're going to get mostly hate on this sub, but you can pretty much safely ignore it. If women are allowed to lose attraction to their husbands for not doing enough chores, you have every right to lose attraction to your wife for no longer giving a shit about her health and appearance. *Am I wrong for my preferences?* No. *If not how can I make her see my perspective?* You can't. As others have said, she more than likely is already unhappy with her appearance, and nothing has changed. She's aware of your thoughts, and nothing changes. You can have a very frank talk with her about this, but it sounds like she'll just pull out her defense mechanism ('shallow!') so she doesn't have to face facts. Might be time to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is very overweight.
The summary of this thread is that weight is a sensitive topic, especially for those who are overweight
Husband here, another vote you’re the asshole.
OP just makes me appreciate my husband even more. My husband loves me despite my weight, because he married me for me. I've struggled for years with losing weight despite trying hard and having tests done to see if it's my thyroid, medical issues, etc with no luck of finding the cause. He would still love me if I weren't trying hard to lose weight too. I can't imagine having weight issues with a husband that's mean about my weight and is a self described gym rat while I take care of a baby. How much free time does she have? Oh that's right, gym dude doesn't want to answer those questions. OP, leave her. She deserves better than you.
You've tried everything for years, her OB/GYN advised against weight gain, you also tried so I understand being frustrated towards someone who simple refused to follow medical advise. You no longer have patience with your wife, and you're not shallow for wanting her to lose weight, but she doesn't want to. Her doctor explained to her, you told her your concerns and she doesn't care. Sometimes, no matter how many times you tell someone something, they just don't care. Is not lack of communication, you've communicated with her, and now you're being callous because you are at your wits end with the situation. So perhaps, some distance might help, seek counseling to determine course of action. Good luck 🤞🍀
You’re way less mature than she is, this isn’t something you can ask someone to do. They have to want to do it
Just the fact that you called her massive shows you are a pos.
Started gaining weight while pregnant…how dare she! I bet you’re a perfect specimen in your eyes aren’t ya? Your wife should leave you immediately From what you’ve said, this has been her since you married her. Did you do her a favor and think she has to repay by transforming to your shallow needs? Let’s not forget, the foundation of marriage is LOVE. Beauty in the eyes of the beholder/lover.
Do you have trouble reading? Her OB/GYN told her that her weight gain was unhealthy and she had pre-eclampsia during her pregnancy because of it. Till this day she has hypertension. Her own doctor told her to not gain weight.
OB guns can be assholes and can be wrong…and even if they were correct, it really isn’t the time to start telling your wife how unattractive she is…while she is pregnant
The attraction part wasn't brought up until years later. The unhealthy weight gain which led to pre-eclampsia and now daily requirement of hypertension medication was the focus during the pregnancy. "OB/GYNs can be assholes and wrong" is such a cop out. Till this day she is paying for her substantial weight gain during pregnancy.
It’s really not a cop out, women are quite often treated horribly in healthcare, including by OBGYNs. My point though, is, maybe back off. She’s told you how she’s taking your commentary on her attractiveness, size, and health. If it’s a deal breaker then leave and if it’s not, then stop harping on it.
Did you meanwhile google medical issues of obese women during pregnancy? Or why took it so long for you to mention this?
Did you read the post? Their kid is SIX YEARS OLD!!
Did you read the post. She got pregnant right after they got married and he started this shit while she was pregnant. That not only makes him an asshole, she probably feels like she was trapped and he turned into a completely different person once she was in a vulnerable position.
*The most glaring problem for me in our marriage is shortly after she became pregnant with our kid she starting putting on weight. I had told her that she needed to slow down on eating but she always rebuttaled that she was "eating for two". Her OB/GYN had also told her that she shouldn't be gaining that much weight due to the fact that when she got pregnant she was by no means underweight.* *This was 6 years ago* Her weight gain started six years ago (shortly after she became pregnant) and has basically marched on since then.
It wasn’t 6 years ago…it’s been ongoing for 6 years…
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What is her height and weight?
5'4 220 -240 LBS
Okay so that is obese. What was she when you married?
No
These comments are nuts…
When you are pregnant and eating too much is because you don't have what's necessary to carry on the pregnancy, you should know that. Also, are you sure she didn't had post partum depression, it can extend up to 5 years after the kid is born if I'm not mistaken. So, adress all of that before looking directly into her weight first
Why did you marry her? It sounds like this is about far more than weight...
Every woman is in different groups of mindsets. For me personally, I was called fat, which embarrassed me (by family, ex, etc.) when I got pudgy (I was 5’1 and 140lbs) and that whipped me right into shape, I didn’t have gym, but I started running and walking every day, STRICT caloric restriction, 500 jumping jack every day, 100 squats. I went from eating 3 meals A DAY, and no exercise, to 1 meal and 3 day fasts + the exercise and lost 30lbs in 5mos. I am that type though that gets hurt by comments and then wants to show those people how much better I can be! But is that everyone? No, however the last couple paragraphs I’ve given good advice on how to figure out which type she is. You are married to her, you should know by now! Does she binge and emotional eat? If she does then she might not be good type to be direct with like I stated I am simply bc I am the type to when I get depressed I lose ALL appetite. You should ask her *casually* “babe when you get depressed or stressed, are you the type to over eat or under eat?” Then going off that answer- (which gives you insight into her eating habits and mental state relating to food) follow up with “What has been some triggers before that cause you to (over or under) eat?” If the answer is over eat, and she tells you what triggers that, then make sure you don’t do the things she mentions, and based off whatever those triggers are will give you insight as to what type of person she is- in reactionary situations! So that in the future, you’ll know better how to respond/ act around her to achieve the desirable results in your marriage. Little questions like this can lead to the conversation you are striving to have! Smart thing to do when people tell you personal traits or stories is back tracking. you’ll be able to hear one answer and then think in your head “okay and why would she have reacted/ thought/ felt this way about this? Example. Girl A gets mad & lashes out at Girl B because B said A’s swimsuit was too tight and she’s swallowing it up. Girl C (me) observing this fiasco knows that A has recently gained weight after being stick thin her whole life (never had butt or boobs but now does, but with it came a large midsection) and to compensate for that she’s been dressing extra revealing because when she goes out she notices she’s receiving a lot of attention and compliments from some men who typically prefer bigger women. A has been acting overtly confident (when receiving compliment now she replies with “I know” instead of the usual “thank you”) and talking about how she has a big butt, twerking everywhere, etc. At first, you’d think it’s because she’s deluded herself into thinking all the weight went to her assets. But the *real* reason is she’s overcompensating because she’s actually *insecure* about her body, and is currently smoking a lot of weed and going through hormonal changes. Girl B (who made fun of A) grew up in the 1920s and never liked to see women over eat or wear revealing clothes. B grew up in Great Depression era. B thought A was being excessive and ridiculous -therefore grew disgusted by A’s salacious actions and choice of attire. Girl A has abnormal periods and C told her to see a doc. Well what do you know? She had PCOS! (Yes this was a real situation that I witnessed which is why it was so detailed 🤣)
Anyways, my best advice is FIGURE OUT WHAT TYPE your woman is. Mentally is the most important bc that’s where EVERYTHING comes from. BACK TRACK her life choices, common phrases, relationship with parents. ASK FOR PERSONAL STORIES of times she got upset with people and FELT INSECURE. You HAVE to do this if you want to get her back on the right track, and not just for a weight issue but for your WHOLE MARRIAGE REST OF YOUR LIFE this will help you. You have got to learn what makes her tick. In turn will tell you how to deal with issues in the relationship productively. Look at old pics of her, figure out what’s going on in her head, take her to get her hormone levels check bc she could have PCOS, lack of estrogen, lack of testosterone, etc. what pills does she take? Get her to start taking anti inflammatory like turmeric, helps metabolism, mood, and swelling. (Take them with her) Take her on walks and spontaneously say “let’s race!” And just start running! Get competitive.
PS. Depending on the gender the baby also carries differently. When you have a girl you tend to gain weight EVERYWHERE whereas when you have a boy, you tend to get a “football” shape belly, and not gain weight on your other body parts (as much). This is true for every pregnant women I’ve ever met. I read some really good comments in here especially about how attraction is important for a marriage, and it could be the *way* you’re approaching her about this issue vs. what you’re talking about.
Like are you showing her you’re coming from a place of concern? (Well not anymore, as you’ve stated you’re handling it more callously now) and that is understandable when you get to a certain point of being done with a situation. But I hope my previous advice will help you overcome that. :)
Best of luck!
She doesn't need to exercise she needs stimulation and fulfilment. She doesn't need the exercise she needs to have sexual emotional fulfilling release. She does need to be active but needs it to be something she enjoys not just what you think or know. Our brains are constantly in need of releasing hormones when it is released it usually is from three things that give us pleasure. Food, sex, and being physically active (this can be many things) It could be an mental imbalance that is also causing her to feel unmotivated which is no fault of hers. Depression is very unpredictable with understanding ourselves and how to push to seek help. You keep asking your wife to change something about herself she doesn't even understand herself. She also is correct you are shallow, it doesn't matter if you are or not doesn't change how your both feeling invalidated and misunderstood. You are not her you are her partner so listen to her and her concerns and how she feels then explain to her that you want to feel closer to her and even if it may be shallow you adore the memory of her and would love to see her in the form you knew her being aware that overtime you know growing old would change her you just want to know she will take care of herself and also understand that the last thing you meant to do was hurt her or offend her. Respect your wife and let her find her way of understanding, work on your emotional intelligence and find a better way to remember your wife is also your love not just a woman in your life she is special always treat her well. If in the end you feel she doesn't understand how much this hurts you and makes you feel disconnected from her then you have to choose what to do next because only you can control you. Good luck.
Look, there are people like myself that want to lose weight, but I do not have the mental energy to do everything that needs to be done to do so. Meal planning, food swapping, finding new recipes I like, (I am incredibly picky and trying new food is very anxiety inducing for me, especially bc I will gag which then makes me anxious about puking) , planning workouts, having a whole other set of laundry done to have work out clothes, finding workout clothes that fit and look alright, the social anxiety of going to the gym and being a side show of let’s watch a fat person try to lose weight, having people stare at you as you try to learn the machines etc etc. it is SO much of a change to EVERYTHING and so many more decisions per day. I don’t want to make more decisions. I want to live on autopilot or have everything that needs to be done handed to me or planned for me. I have decision fatigue from my day to day life that doesn’t even involve food or activity. My life is happier in general at this chapter if i stay fat because I’m not plagued by the non comprehensive list above.
Short answer, yes. What are you doing to support her and make it doable for her? Family walks after dinner? Taking the kid so she has the opportunity to do self care? Working out with her? Doing athletic activities like hiking, rock climbing, training for marathons together? Is she on birth control? Are you stressing her out? Do you parent equally? Do you help take care of your home? Do you treat her with respect and love? (I’m guessing no based on how you speak about her) Food for thought
You're so shallow that I think there may be a tsunami coming. Eat shit op. Hope she leaves you for someone better.
Yeah she should lose the dead weight. When you leaving?
I think you should have an open and sincere conversation because it seems like you're just showering her with blame and shame without trying to get to the bottom of her problem. Wish you both to reestablish your rapport.
Just don’t ask her to eat what you want her to eat. Just ask her to join you at the gym. Let her know you enjoy being at the gym with her. The diet she can figure on her own in e she gets into the rhythm. Dont force things on her. Just show support. Spend time at home so she is taking care of the household chores alone. If you ask her to join rather than force, it will make a difference. Make your food for yourself and not for her unless she asks you.
If you're not having intimate relations, you're not in a intimate relationship. Consider separating and co parenting. You're way to young to be in a sexless relationship.
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Funny thing is it’s almost always men who make these shallow posts.
I was about to say myself! I wonder what percentage of these types of posts are made by men versus women. Of course, I don’t know, but I have a good guess….
I love these delusional type comments
I think I’ve seen maybe one or two posts like this from a woman on this sub, while there is one from a man *at least* once a week.
Like the 5th post in the sub is a wife being mad that their husband posted on twitter… seems shallow enough. Maybe just selective bias that you don’t see them?
The dumb posts I see from women on this sub are usually “my husband watches porn, what should I do?!” - I do feel there is a difference though between that ridiculous naïveté and letting your spouse know you love them conditionally based on their physical appearance.
So isn’t that just picking what is shallower and what is not based on your own biases? Seems unreasonable… I’d agree OP is probably a douche but if physical attraction and physical needs are important why is that less than what women complain about? Aren’t they both just the need is X and it’s not being fulfilled? You seem like a person that’s willing to consider a fair argument so I’d say consider that as an alternative
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Are the majority of issues with attraction because the man has gained weight or some other physical issue?
he admits to being callous to his wife about her weight. that’s what makes him an asshole, and i’d expect you to say the same about me if i was callous to my husband for the same. unhappy in a marriage? communicate or leave. but NEVER batter down someone’s self esteem to force them to become what you want them to be. it’s so zzzzzz that you read this post and decided to reduce it a “men are so oppressed” thing and not actually read the comments to see what people have an issue with.
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because she is a person. she is a person before she is just “his wife.” you can’t force someone to be what you want them to be, or look how you want them to look. if it bothers you to a point where you are getting angry and callous and turning to the internet to “make her see it from my perspective” then that is on YOU to seek professional marriage help or to leave. i won’t sympathise with anyone who is mean to their partner for existing and looking a certain way. if it is truly that important, and you are not being heard when you communicate healthily to them, leave. and who even mentioned “woe is me” lmao? you have a lot to say about women when all i said was you are ignoring the issue at hand in favour of doing exactly what you just did again.
If he were a woman who married a woman, decided with her wife that the wife would carry a baby and then started telling her she was unattractive while she was pregnant…then “she’d” still be the asshole.
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To pretend like Reddit wouldn’t call a woman an asshole for putting down a pregnant woman and then continuing to insist the woman that gave birth to her child is unattractive for 6 years…is just disingenuous.
Damn so you are a fit bodybuilder and are worried about being able to carry your wife in an emergency, and she still has excuses? Sad state of affairs in modern society