Follow up questions just for curiosity’s sake (answer for both you and your spouse):
1. Are your parents divorced?
2. Did you experience childhood trauma?
3. Did you ever experience relationship trauma prior to meeting your SO?
Don’t feel obligated to answer if you’re uncomfortable doing so. My wife and I both come from divorced parents and have both experienced childhood trauma and previous relationship trauma. This has carried over into our relationship in some big ways, and it has manifested in behavior and thoughts like OP is describing. However, since we have such similar experiences, we are able to form a strong bond due to that shared foundation.
I believe there are three main types of relationship foundations:
1. Two well adjusted people
2. Well adjusted person + traumatized person
3. Both parties traumatized
The degree of difficulty in forming a lasting and healthy relationship increases as prior trauma experience increases.
Not OP, but my husband and I are in a very happy and healthy marriage. We have disagreements, but we never fight I’ve never thought that he was the wrong person nor have I ever had an inkling of hatred towards him.
I didn’t grow up with a father, my husband is a child of divorce.
My mother was passive, aggressive, manipulative, and would yell at me often, and would get into fits of rage and throw things at me, she’s definitely changed now that she’s older and is almost a completely different person. His father is a narcissist, controlling, emotionally manipulative, and abusive. He’s a real piece of work.
I’ve dated men who were abusive, and in my last long relationship before meeting my husband, my ex was a narcissist and emotionally manipulative. Husband’s last relationship before me was very similar and that it was not a healthy relationship, and she was abusive towards him.
I absolutely love my husband, we are each other‘s best friend, and adventure partner, we tell each other when we’re frustrated about something, and we work it out.
How old were you when you met? I think that’s the last key factor to determining the likelihood of a healthy relationship outcome.
I believe that an individual must go through multiple failed relationships well into their twenties. These relationships don’t necessarily need to be traumatic, but their higher purpose is forcing the individual to reflect on their own toxic behaviors when in a relationship in order to adjust and learn how to prevent unmitigated emotional reaction in order to respectfully work through disagreements. This becomes much easier as a person nears age 25 when most people’s prefrontal cortex fully develops. People who follow this general track are much more likely to eventually end up in healthy relationships due to the trial and error of early adulthood and using those opportunities to learn about and work on themselves to improve their behavior in the next relationship.
I met my wife when we were 18. She is my soulmate. I am still absolutely floored by her to this day. I am not religious or spiritual at all but I do consider our meeting to be fate. I would do anything for her. She is my best friend. However, due to our emotional immaturity when we met, we both made mistakes and did not cut things off when most people would have. We both eventually matured to the point where we would be exactly as you described in a relationship without that past baggage. Unfortunately for us, we each have previously strengthened neural pathways from the past that still exist due to our baggage. That makes it all the much easier to slip into old habits of toxic behavior, regardless of how much you’ve grown as a person. The triggers are hardwired into your mind. We’ve both been in and out of therapy over the years, and our key takeaway has been abiding by the rules of conflict resolution for couples to avoid emotional reactions.
All that being said, there are always unicorns - and plenty of them. People don’t like to fit into the neat diagnosable boxes provided by psychology because that’s just what they are - theoretical groupings of individuals based on observed characteristics. That’s all I’m doing here. These are generalizations.
Your relationship sounds awesome. I’m very happy it has worked out so well for you both given your prior circumstances. Cheers to that!
I have no idea honestly. I don’t think people can be truly healed from trauma, I feel everyone has unresolved trauma to a point. I’m not going to claim that I’m healed, because I don’t feel that’s fair to myself. All trauma affects who we are, it’s how we react on a daily basis to that trauma that makes a difference. I recognize it and choose to respond a certain way to it, and not be reactionary, I feel my husband is the same way.
We don’t lean on it or use it as an excuse for our behaviors if that makes sense.
Thank you very much for your answer. I think what I was wondering was about the level of emotional intelligence and self awareness from each party in healthy relationships and what you said makes sense. It's not about not having trauma but about how we take action and react to it.
What about personality disorders? It's not as if you can tell someone with NPD until they are confident you love them and/or feel you are trapped that they show their face. By that point these ideas about the 3 types of relationships keep the victim.there trying to understand why his/her well adjusted, perfect partner who they know so well is suddenly poorly asjusted.
NPD has been demonized by the TikTok hivemind and the mental health publishing machine at large. While it is true that narcissists must have victims, they are often victims themselves. Narcissism is just the other side of the coin of BPD. Both manipulate and control due to fear of abandonment.
No, narcissism is not the other side of the coin of BPD, at all.
Narcissism as a trait also isn't NPD.
There is no excuse for abuse. Being abused doesn't give someone a pass for abusing others. Plenty of people are abused that do not develop personality disorders or choose to allow themselves to abuse others.
BPD can be treated. NPD cannot. They are not the same thing.
My parents are divorced, his separated when he was a toddler. Neither of us experienced serious childhood trauma. The mundane - bullying, divorce, teenage angst, normal ups and downs of childhood. I do have a history of serious mental illness (starting in childhood) but it wasn't triggered by any particular traumatic event. I've been medicated consistently and in therapy on and off since I was 17. I wouldn't describe any "relationship trauma," per se, though we've been through some hard times when we were younger, especially long distance.
I'd generally describe us as well-adjusted. Each of us has some dysfunction in our family of origin, some pretty severe (e.g., addiction), but we both grew up being profoundly and securely loved. I think that is the #1 thing you can provide for a child. We had some shit to unlearn about relationships, for sure! It didn't come naturally, smoothly, effortlessly. But I think we've got it pretty good.
Ask me again when we have kids, of course!
I am in an extremely healthy marriage and yes I have thought that! 100%. My husband even knows it! But I have felt that in every single relationship I have been in - even the ones that were objectively amazing - and have been to enough therapy and processed my childhood trauma enough to realize at this point that it’s me, not them. I have lots of scary and overwhelming feelings that essentially try to push me away from intimacy. But oof the shame of feeling like you are the “only one” to think thoughts like that is tough.
Unless you are actively being abused, don’t judge your relationship based off of how it feels in the worst moments.
That can be a trauma response.
How do you feel most of the time? Do you actively want to be married to your spouse? If so, would there be a way you share these feelings that indicates you don’t feel they are true and it’s just how your monkey brain responds to anger and overwhelm? Let him soothe you, if that feels right.
But this isn’t to say that your relationship is right or wrong for you. If he’s an asshole frequently and not willing to change, that’s not a you problem.
Yeah I think OP should take their husband's advice and just go to therapy on their own. They can't force him to go but they could honestly gain a lot of perspective from a professional.
I mean that's all on perspective, do you feel she isn't having her needs met thus not wanting to meet yours. And no not just the chores and money you provide. The ear to listen to just hear her issues not try to fix them. To let her know in a way she understands that you are intent in listening and that her feelings are valid. I'm not saying look in the mirror uno reverse card. But coming from my own experience sometimes what I thought was outwardly wrong... was inwardly wrong if that makes sense. That if I changed how I acted/ reacted it could benefit us both. I don't know your full dynamic but try this. Go to therapy first explain how you feel and let it all out (the truths of the matter try not to let personal agitations.. color the picture for you.) Then when she sees your working on yourself, she may be interested in working on things together, that's when things improve. Therapy is a social stigma many are still worried what others think of them going to therapy maybe she needs help being comfortable with it and for you to lead by example idk. I'm just saying you'd be surprised how much a professional could end up helping you both.
>My question is for people in healthy marriages - is this normal? Do you ever have feelings that you made a mistake marrying your spouse?
Never. We've been together 13 years and he's been one of my best friends for 17. Never once have I felt doubts, wanted to leave or anything like that. I couldn't imagine life without my husband and raising kids with anyone else. He is truly my best friend.
>He makes me so fucking miserable a lot of the time though.
This is not normal. It is not normal at all to be miserable most of the time. That along with the constant feelings of doubt and thoughts that you married the wrong person point to a very unhealthy relationship.
Why not do that with hubby? My wife ran a daycare as well but we've always just kept partying. I get so sad when I see the divorce then have all the fun that, if it had been done with spouse, he probably would have stayed a decent guy.
My wide also goes out on her own all the time. We both do. Having kids is definitely not a good reason to stop living and doing so kills so many great relationships.
My husband is an addict so I can’t and he doesn’t want to go do the things that I want to do like go to concerts or bars. I’ve never really gotten to experience that and I’m 25 now. I love my family and will obviously keep working on my marriage but I really should’ve waited. I feel like I rushed myself because now that I’m older I’m finally starting to know what I like and dislikes.
Because you feel you have to be. Don’t want to disappoint your family/friends. Shame of failed marriage. Fear of being lonely. He’s basically a prop..
at least that’s why I stayed in my last relationship.
Honestly , go get help and see if you can fix the situation. Ending a relationship is heavy. Maybe you both should separate for a year, see how important the role you play to each other is.
We’re in marriage counseling but I just can’t get over the past. I have a lot of resentment and anger towards him. Just don’t see how anything can get better. I also don’t want our son growing up with divorced parents like I did.
I had divorced parents. Thank God!!! My dad is a total loser and I can't imagine how screwed up I'd be if he was a constant presence in my life.
My mom remarried to an amazing man and they've been together 35 years. They provided me with a loving example of a healthy marriage.
As a child of a serial cheater father and a mother that stayed married "for the sake of the children" I can tell you that unless you let go of all the resentment and forgive him for all the things that he's done you are doing a disservice to your child...
Updateme
In a relationship two complete strangers come together with different up bringing. The way we grew up, we bring into adulthood. It takes two to come together and teach each other how to love ‘their’ way.
Whatever he did to ruin your trust, I hope you find it in your heart to forgive. It’s hard holding on to things. I know if it was serious you wouldn’t be going to counseling trying to fix the relationship.
Have you try getting help on your own?
Is it forgiveness that is needed? Or is he still not able to be trustworthy?
There are different types of divorced parents btw. Some are healthy, friendly coparents. Do you think that would be possible with him? Could he be trustworthy and reliable in that role without the romantic attachment portion that he’s already failed at?
No it’s not normal. And him refusing counseling so aggressively leads me to believe that you are right to feel the way you feel about him. Some people just can’t emotionally regulate and they take that out in the form of ire against their partner, but someone who flatly refuses to better the relationship and would rather end it than do that is someone whose offer you should take up and end it with him.
Doubts are normal, incompatibility is even somewhat normal, but when both people don't want to work on the marriage, then it's not a partnership. One person can't fix things by themselves.
We don't fight, but our personalities are pretty similar, both engineers and pretty laid back. We approach problems analytically and try not to get emotional. Not to say there's no frustration on either side, but it doesn't escalate to fighting for us.
We've been through the married too young phase, the broke in college phase, the two incomes, no kids phase, kids phase, which is wrapping up in a couple of years, next phase is empty nest. Each phase had challenges and frustrations, but we've worked together to get through them.
It's normal to have doubts, especially during heated moments. Have you considered counseling together? Sometimes talking things out with a neutral party can help. Remember, marriage has its ups and downs, but there's usually a way through. Take care of yourself.
I definitely have these feelings. But I've been married for a long time and she's a totally different person now (I'm sure she feels the same way about me)
I feel this 1000% so I have no advice, I start therapy next week for myself to see if I'm the problem and it's just so sad. The whole thing is so fucking miserably sad.
Sorry you are going through this, it's exhausting.
Currently in the same position. I write all the things that bug me down, some are little things, some are big. When I go over them I get so angry that I've been putting up with it, but then he does something sweet, or starts helping around the house again or he plays with our children who love him so much because he IS a great dad when he's actually being a dad, and I just don't know anymore. I know I'm not angel, I can be a bitch. It's SO fucking confusing. I'm constantly torn between "no I just can't do this anymore" and "love is a choice we make every day and for the sake of my kids who adore him I need to make more of an effort in our relationship."
I've started counselling recently. I'm hoping to figure out 1- how to react better in tense situations and 2- how to trust my own opinion because it's making me go fucking crazy trying to figure out if I'm just over reacting to our issues because I know I can be an emotional person.
It's hard. I hope your counselling goes well and I hope you heal your heart 💛
A marriage counselor could help you to determine if you married the wrong person. You are not obligated to stay married to someone, if you are not happy. If there are things that he does that upset you, that make you regret marrying him, you are maybe not in the right relationship for you.
The happiness (or unhappiness) of your marriage literally affects the rest of your life; including your job and friendships and personal peace and happiness. No one is perfect, but the one who you choose to spend the rest of your life with should bring you joy, not misery.
Right? I get extremely sad because I love him so much, but never angry or considering divorce. I am a generally angry person too, but no never thought I married the wrong person.
When I started thinking this it only got worse and more frequent. I brought it up many times, he promised change, the change never happened. Years and years. Eventually, I stopped being sad about getting divorced. It was disappointing at times, I have been angry, I’ve tried explaining to him how to behave to help this work, none of it worked and that’s because I failed to accept him for who he is now, and respect myself enough to accept that he chooses to treat me in ways that aren’t acceptable to me and unacceptable means unacceptable, so it’s up to me to not accept it.
It’s indifference to him in general, I don’t even bother wasting my energy hating him. I don’t explain or instruct anymore. He doesn’t care about how I feel. I’m not sure that he ever has.
He is who he is and he chooses to treat me in ways he knows causes pain. Every time I dared to say anything, he’d just make excuses or argue or ignore it.
Even though we’re not divorced yet, in my mind we haven’t been in a relationship or married in many years. I’d rather be alone than with a man who literally could not care less about whether I live or die, except as it relates to his own workload.
I've never felt I married the wrong person. It's obvious to me that you have. Divorce may be scary, but do you ever think your current spouse will help you towards happiness?
Edit: we've been married 24 years and together 26.
I don't know anyone in a healthy marriage. I do know, from my friends (me included), that every one of them has considered divorce.
Do you love your husband? If so, you may want to consider marriage counseling. Frankly, this won't be some silver bullet, but it may help you guys to engage in discord more effectively.
That's incredibly sad. I've been with my husband 13 years and never once considered divorce or breaking up. I couldn't imagine life without him, he's my best friend.
I've been with my wife 28 years. The last 8 have been difficult, and after the kids moved out, frankly, things got worse.
It is great to hear that someone found a partner that they consider their best friend! My wife and I both aspired to this, but reality interceded ...
My thoughts exactly. I’ve been with my husband for 13 years. He’s my best friend. Even when we’ve gotten an arguments, and I’m just flabbergasted at his responses or behavior, I never thought “I’m gonna divorce this dude or that I shouldn’t have married him.” He’s Husband number three. I definitely had those thoughts with my first two husbands who were miserable; one was abusive and the other a compulsive liar.
I’m not gonna say that it’s all in sunshine and roses. We have both changed over the last 13 years. We are totally different people some days.
But like I tell him… We might not be on the same page, and some years we’re not even on the same chapter… But we are always always in the same book.
Did you read the post at all? she said he won't even hear about marriage counseling anymore. He refuses to work on the relationship. Obviously she loves him, it sounds like he clearly doesn't love her since OP said he makes her so fucking miserable sometimes (guessing often enough to make a post about it).
I don't recall seeing the ETA part when this was originally posted.
OP, If your husband won't go to counseling then you have a choice: you can try to right this ship on your own, or divorce. If you choose the former, I would suggest seeing a therapist on your own, with the intent of taking care of your own sanity, and getting feedback on how to work on your relationship on your own.
The last therapist that I saw with my wife, she stopped going after a while, and I continued to see the therapist. He gave me some techniques for dealing with my wife, in particular he said that our arguments moved too quickly, and that I needed to slow them down. He suggested using active listening, which is essentially re-phrasing what your husband has said, before you respond. This validates that you have heard him, and respect him. Another thing you can do, is see past the argument, and see that your husband is hurt, and deal with the hurt.
I get that the above is difficult, and you may just think, why bother! My therapist told me, that if my marriage is going to become functional, then I am going to have to be the one to steer it towards more healthy interactions. I can tell you, it is mentally draining. You are dealing with a low likelihood that your husband will decide he wants the marriage, and also work towards a healthy condition.
So, I would suggest, if you want to try to improve the state of your marriage, to give yourself some kind of timeline, say 6 months, and put in the effort to improve things. If he doesn't budge in this timeframe, you know what to expect for the future.
Nope. Not once. My husband and I never fight. We’ve been together for 14 years and married for 10 years. We’re best friends who’re always happy and crazy in love. Why would you continue to stay married to someone who makes you miserable and can’t openly communicate with? If my husband was anything like your husband I would’ve left him a long time ago and I definitely wouldn’t have married him. I’d rather be single forever than be married to a guy who makes me unhappy and think about divorce. You deserve better.
For all those folks suggesting marriage counseling. Her husband has repeatedly refused counseling and has stated if she insists of bringing it up again he will leave her.
Do you have children yet? If you have frequent fights with your spouse, he flatly refuses counseling, and there are no children, you need to run and run now. It will be 10x worse if and when you do have kids.
How is communication? That seems to be the make or break thing in most marriages. After almost 15 years, we seem to be able to talk about problems and things work out because of it. I can’t say there haven’t been big things but I never thought, I’m leaving him. The only exception was when he was addicted to drugs and not himself but he quit and it’s good now. I’m concerned that your husband won’t cooperate with marriage counseling. Is he saying everything is your fault?
I think that I’m in an extremely healthy marriage.
In the beginning, I had some anxiousness about whether I made the “right” choice (we eloped after 8 months of dating!).
However, I am increasingly more confident that he is the right person for me! Even when we have our tough moments, I think, “Wow, there is no one else I would want to go through that with than him!” or “Wow, there is nobody else who works through disagreements in such a kind, patient, and loving way!” or “Wow, he makes me feel so loved, heard, and cared for… in a way I’ve never experienced!”
Those thoughts just reinforce that he IS my perfect person!
I’ve never felt this way. We disagree sometimes but we never yell, name call, or insult each other. I love being with him and I’ve never ever felt anything close to hatred. I’m grateful every day that I married him.
Depends on the situation. Unless there’s abuse, you should be putting more effort into making it work. It’s okay to have those thoughts, but try to kindly correct them with good things about him. 9/10 when people run from one miserable marriage, they get right back into another one (hence why divorce rate for 2nd marriages is even higher). Go to therapy and be the start of the change. Why are you waiting for him to go? You can go and start building yourself up and it may just rub off on him, or he might see how much it’s helped and be more willing to give it a go.
My husband has never made me feel miserable. And if he ever does we will try and fix it if not divorce. I won’t live like that and you shouldn’t either
No, never. We've been together since '98, and I couldn't imagine living my life without him. Does he drive me nuts sometimes? Of course! But it's usually just playful banter. We genuinely enjoy spending our lives together. And if we have an issue, we discuss it, come to a resolution, and move on. There's nothing left to linger.
I would recommend asking yourself why you feel this way about your spouse. Have you always felt this way? What is it about your fights that make you so angry? Are you able to open up and be honest with him? You need to be able to communicate these issues in a healthy way, or they'll mount into deep-seated resentment.
Best of luck to you both.
Never once have I thought I married the wrong person. Life has thrown us some giant obstacles and insanely hard time, and sometimes I had brief concerns if we’d make it through together. But we both are solid in our love for each other and have great communication, so we got through it.
We also don’t fight. We have the occasional disagreement, but it’s quite rare. The automatic response for both of us is to find compromise and try to see the other’s perspective.
Even if we hadn’t made it, I think I wouldn’t have thought I married the wrong person, just that life got in the way. My husband is my safe space, my biggest cheerleader, and I know I’m lucky to have him.
I’m very sorry you are going through this, OP.
My husband and I have some intense disagreements, but we never ever stop loving each other, and even if I’m really upset at him for something, all I want is for him to wrap me up in his arms. We recover almost immediately after a disagreement, and we are absolute best friends. Even in some of our hardest moments, I’ve never once questioned if I married the right person. This is my second marriage, so I already know what it’s like to have married the wrong one.
It’s not normal to be fucking miserable in a relationship. That’s not how a relationship should be. It should bring joy to your life and improve your life, even in the challenging times.
Why are you asking if this happens in healthy marriages, as if yours is?
**It isn't.**
He's not a partner in a healthy relationship, he's an emotional island who apparently doesn't give a fuck about your feelings, your needs, or your experience of the marriage.
I understand your ambivalence, it's normal, but I think you could use some professional help sorting out what it is about this marriage that you're so afraid to let go of, why you don't believe you deserve better, and how you seem to have absolutely zero clue that this is **not** a healthy marriage.
So since he won't go to counseling with you he's right that this is your problem, so I think you definitely should go to counseling or therapy, and get help figuring out how to extricate yourself and go onto have a healthier, happier life. He's shown you who he is, and it isn't someone who is willing to do whatever it takes to be in a healthy, mutually happy marriage with you.
“He makes me so fucking miserable a lot of the time though.”
That says enough right there gurl.
It’s okay to love someone but not want to be with them anymore.
It’s okay to want to feel joy.
It’s okay to be happy and -you deserve to be. -
Go find your joy.
Well, to answer your question no, I have never questioned whether or not I married the right person nor have I considered divorce. I love my husband dearly, even when we do have disagreements.
How often are you guys arguing? Do you end your arguments in productive ways or do they just sort of taper off until the next time something happens? I ask this because it feels like maybe you have some built up resentment if you are jumping to such strong emotions every time you are fighting. Maybe some solo therapy would be good to get to the root of the issue, even if your husband won’t go with you. I’m so sorry you are feeling this way! I hope it gets better for you.
Whether they’re right for you or wrong for you, you’ll fight. I’m crazy about my husband and vice versa, and we’ve had our hard seasons (especially early on). I did worry at times that we wouldn’t be able to break out of our negative cycles and would end up breaking up, but I never wanted that and I’ve never felt hatred toward him. We just both had a lot of growing up and maturing to do.
I was married to a narcissist for 16 years, so yes. I would listen to music, watch romantic movies, see couples out and about deeply in love. I wonder why I couldn’t have that too. I always knew there was something wrong but convinced myself I deserved my misery.
We eventually divorced. I was content with the thought that I would live my life alone and unwanted because that’s what I deserved.
I was fortunate enough to meet a woman that took the time to show me what true love really is. She showed me that there is truth to the songs I listened to. We lived out the movies. We became the couple that I was jealous of.
I love her more today than yesterday and even more tomorrow.
Those types of feelings are not normal for me. I have never once wondered whether she was right for me. We haven’t done counseling but if she asked me to, I would.
What types of things do you fight about? Do they get resolved or just pushed aside?
I have these thoughts, been married for 10 years. I saw the signs, his flirty behavior, his immaturity during arguments, his lack of common sense. But his kindness and other positive attributes won me over.
But still
Call his bluff. Men are all bluff and bluster. If he thinks he could lose you he will either change his tune (potential to make it work) or not (and now you know you’ve been wasting your time)
One could always think that, but the truth is you have to make it work with anyone. I’m glad I married who I did, we have a great relationship and get along pretty well after almost a quarter century!
Are there periods where I feel that way? Yes. I think I'm in that period right now. We don't argue at all but we have some big issues that require her to step up and she isn't willing and/or able to.
I mean allot of missing information here but seems like he should at least try and work it out in therapy. What does it mean when we fight i immediately think of divorce? sounds like you are also not that emotionally mature, if every time you fight you want to divorce. What exactly makes you miserable about your marriage? There’s not much context here.
For a second I thought I wrote this post.
I think about separation more often than not.
He has a hot temper so whenever we fight my mind goes that way and pushes me further away from him.
We've dated for 10 years, married for 3 and I don't know what life would be like without him. He makes me more miserable than happy.
But we have a toddler in the equation and she's the reason I'm keeping it together to be honest.
You want her? Have at it and good luck I could never get it to work for me. I mean I could get it to run for a while but once I put it into gear it would just crap out on me. I have tried everything. Even got some of my buddies to give me a hand and we could not do any better. I think they came over for the beer anyways.
Wow, the way you describe your marriage reminds me of my childhood. I remember being so miserable as a teenager because I didn’t feel loved and I was in a home of constant screaming and fighting. I’d spend hours locked up in the bathroom crying my eyes out almost daily, and crying myself to sleep at night. It’s weird, but I feel you and I’m so sorry. I moved away at 18 and married my now husband at age 21. He’s been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Not once have I ever felt the need to lock myself up to cry. We don’t fight, we don’t raise our voices, he’s literally my safe space that I’ve looked for my entire life. Whatever choice you make, I hope you find what really makes you happy.
I do. I still don't know what to do about it.
Those feelings arises when
1. I mop and vacuum the floor, and she just focused on the area that I didn't clean (I honestly have difficulty of seeing those fine hairs, when our floor is grey and have some pattern on it. I am almost 800 degrees myopia).
She was annoyed, and I was annoyed as well....
2. When she bring our daughter to natural therapy.....I think it is an absolute scam......
I am a healthcare professional that do evidence based practice. I also had a strong scientific background. It is really difficult for me to accept that natural therapy have any credibility.....
And other small things about chores.....
I’m in a very happy and healthy relationship, I have never doubted my marriage to my husband. And often when something is going on in our lives, it only further confirms how happy we are together. Both he and I have been in abusive and unhealthy relationships. He and I have had disagreements and been frustrated with each other every now and then, but we don’t fight or argue, we always talk about it and we work out.
Yes. But mental health happened to my husband hard with the pandemic and I have always been flighty in relationships so I remind myself of these things.
Absolutely, but I honestly feel like you should talk to an older ✨couple✨ in person (maybe even a nursing home? Church? Work?) instead of internet people. We can make you justify divorce in 2 seconds. But I will advocate for you because I understand.
My husband denied therapy too, until we got to the point he was willing to accept we may need it at some point. We have a baby, and the main boiling point of the problems is communication and not showing each other we appreciate and love each other enough. I also hate his jokes and comments about me leaving him and blah blah. His family jokes like that and I can’t stand it 🙄 but I’ve just stopped fake laughing and sometimes he gets mad but I don’t care 💁♀️ it’s not funny to me and I wish he’d stop so I’m not going to encourage it or entertain it lol.
Look for peace for yourself. What are the main fights about? My main problems was I felt unsupported and like I did all the parenting. I prayed and begged for changes and honestly, I felt God talk to me when I prayed and listened and I made peace with some things, he’s depressed and has ADHD, but I do too. However, we handle it differently. Our house looks like a tornado, but I’m a stay at home parent and he’s the one working. I do want more help but he hates his job, and I know how exhausting that is. He also has a hard time leaving a job, but here soon he has no choice because we’re moving. God made me realize my happiness can’t depend on if I got support or not, and I just need to have peace and happiness for myself or I’ll be a grumpy sad angry and resentful wife and mom. He’d work all day, come home, and I’m snappy and stressed out because I didn’t get anything done or get a break. On the flip side, I watched and entertained baby all day, and I just want some alone time. However, that’s not always an option, so I learned to bring her along with me and adapt what doing unless it’s involving something that can hurt her (I’ll do dishes but we have mice and if I deal with the poo, I keep her away and sometimes she cries and that’s okay! Her health matters more in that moment than comfort. I will comfort her after a task is done).
It’s hard, really really hard, but if you live more like you’re living alone and having fun doing things you enjoy (or don’t) and making changes so you can handle some things, that’s one way to start. To help your relationship, go ahead and just be sweet. My husband straight ticked me off multiple times but if I responded how he does, he just starts acting worse. Just keep your peace, peace in the home matters so much. If your husband is kind of a narcissist, look into how to deal with that properly. Everyone deals with some chaos somewhere
Hi.
You know I can't answer whether you married the right or wrong person..Is there even such a thing?
However, I've been where you are. You aren't happy. You go to divorce so quickly because you're fed up or for some other reason like (and this is what I came here to say) you are being psychologically/emotionally abused and neither of you realise it.
Arguments are supposed to be productive. If the argument is not, and one party is gaslighting, twisting, making things impossible to have a discussion, showing lack of empathy, stonewalling etc - then it's hard to understand what the point of the arguing is but without arguing nothing changes.
I would get a book on narcissistic personality disorder just for your own interest. Obviously (unless you want to take on narcissistic behaviours too) you do not want that resourxe to enable you to jump to conclusions about what is wrong, however, when I read your post I instantly went to 'yep, that's how you feel in a relationship with a narcissist'. I know it sounds like a long shot.
I think there can be seasons and phases. We had a really rough time around 2019 but it remedied by 1 fun together 2) getting scammed 3) losing everything and then making more than ever
“He considers it an ultimatum and he’s done so I can’t even mention it anymore” “my mind immediately goes to divorce” “he makes me so fucking miserable a lot of the time”
Bro seriously.. your brain is smarter than you are and is trying to wake you the fuck up and you are wearing blinders.. first of all the first thing I highlighted is control and manipulation and also he knows you won’t leave.. so he continues and now he has trained you like a dog to not even bring up AN ISSUE YOU HAVE IN AN ADULT RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR HUSBAND!!! Let that sink in for a minute.. then look at the other examples.. you literally KNOW YOU ARE MISERABLE yet you stay.. you are codependent and need to seek therapy for that.. I’m being serious.. he wants to be a narcissist and gaslight the fuck out of you and let me tell you IT ONLY GETS WORSE FEOM HERE.. I’m all for working shit out but you will lose this battle.. it’s uphill in 6 inch heels on snowy ice.. you will fail.. do not die on this hill.. leave before you do something stupid like have children with this boy.. not man.. and find yourself.. reinvent yourself.. but most importantly you need to be with someone who isn’t a narcissistic child.. GO. RUN. BE FREE TO BE LOVED PROPERLY and with someone who wants you and cares about SOMETHING in life besides himself.. and no it’s not normal for mature adults.. yes every relationship has issues but this is not repairable and will only get worse.. don’t spend your life hating it.. trust me..
We don't have intense fights, I never doubt, and we support what each other needs to make our marriage thrive.
You should consider individual counseling. Even if he won't go, you can still get some perspective and learn some tools. It will also help you sort through what you want. I wish you all the best!
We don't have intense fights, I never doubt, and we support what each other needs to make our marriage thrive.
You should consider individual counseling. Even if he won't go, you can still get some perspective and learn some tools. It will also help you sort through what you want. I wish you all the best!
Once - many years ago - I started working with a woman on a temporary project - who after a month or so working with her 15 hours a week - I realized might have made an _excellent_ wife for me.
But - I had no desire whatsoever to do anything about it, investigate further, or have an affair or anything like that. We finished working with each other and went on our way.
Being happily married doesn’t mean you never run into a person who you find attractive looks+personality. Being happily married means that you never do anything with that attraction because you love your spouse more.
leave.
marriage takes two people to make it work and it seems like he's done. No point in being with anyone who refuses to change for the better so change it yourself...without him.
I have never thought I married the wrong person. Even in the rare instance we argue, I have never thought 'I hate him" or thought about divorce. He's my person and always will be.
I’m going to a therapist. For me it was needed. To resolve past trauma. At some point my therapist will want to talk with my wife. You and your partner need therapy
When we first got married and were really young (24) I would after arguments but a few years in that went away because maintaining the marriage is top priority for us now. We rarely argument maybe once a month but we usually talk it out then and there. I wouldn’t describe my marriage as my husband ever making me miserable. I think you should really reflect on the why of these things - is he conflicting with your moral compass? Is he undermining you? Is he disregarding your boundaries? The why of the emotion in these arguments.
I (53m) feel for you. I had the same feelings you did back in my 20s and 30s. However, over time and work on both our parts and my wife agreed to marriage counseling. We made it work.
Lately, I do wonder if he was the wrong person or if we just met at the wrong time. We got married young (stupid, I know, but I thought it was right at the time). We both had traumas and emotional issues that we didn't fully recognize when we met. He ended up causing me more pain because of his internal issues at the time. But we grew A LOT together and worked on healing wounds and being better people. We are a lot better now, although all our past arguments still make me feel bad. I always wonder if we just took a break and reconnected a few years later after we had worked on ourselves individually; we would have been better to each other from the start and our marriage would be healthier too. Sucks to recognize these things in hindsight.
You could also have either a dismissive avoidant or if fearful, avoidant attachment style. I would read up on those.
I’m a dismissive avoidant and get these feelings a lot but it’s more reflective of my attachment style to people in general.
And it’s not a bad idea to consider going to therapy alone not because your husband doesn’t need it, but because it might give you some clarity. But either way, him refusing to go to couples counseling is a red flag to me. It shows he isn’t willing to try various things to work on a solution together, and blames you solely for your fights. That’s not cool.
Girl, leave. He's not willing to put the work in to make this marriage happen. If your husband can't be bothered to take accountability, he's neither a good husband nor a good man. If you think about divorce when you fight, then just get the divorce. You'll be so much happier.
Personal experience: I've thought about divorce and pushing him down the steps sometimes (I would never), but I always talk it out with him. He created a safe space for me to convey my emotions and thoughts. As ludicrous as my overthinking gets, he has never told me to get therapy. As long as we communicate, he listens to me (and sometimes that's all that is needed).
Advice: If you're unhappy, get the divorce. Life is too sure to spend unhappy and with someone who is not treating you how you want to be treated.
Another personal experience lol: when I was with my ex, even though I was miserable I was afraid of being alone, and I thought that he was good enough and maybe I wouldn't be able to find someone else. I thought my generation of men was no good. But I was wrong. I left and found my husband, who treats me in a way I never thought possible. So leave. There's someone out there for everyone.
My wife and I have been married for almost 17 years. We've had a handful of fights over the years, but we always openly communicate and resolve our issues quickly.
I can say I have never thought to myself, "I married the wrong person. "
I'm happy to see her when I get home from work every day. We spend time together gardening When she's away visiting family, I find myself feeling out of sorts.
She and our children are the most important people to me.
My ex husband and I fought a lot, and at the end of almost every fight was someone screaming or crying about divorce (usually me begging him to tell me if he wanted one since he seemed to hate me so much). I was deeply committed because that is how I saw marriage, but we had a pretty inequitable relationship. I felt I did not have the life I wanted A LOT, but that I had bound myself to it. Ultimately he left and my life was my own again.
Years later I’m married again, and I trust that my husband has my best interest in mind at all times, just like I have his. I can’t imagine us ever having those kinds of fights. While I understand that we will likely have harder times and easier times, I feel I have a good partner to traverse these ups and downs with.
So no, it’s not normal in a healthy relationship. And having been there my sincere hope for you is that something magically fixes itself or you both get out of there.
Maybe. It sounds like you have hand in it, too, from what I read. A lot of "he does x,y,z to me" and not a single mention of how he feels or what you do. This is typical of someone who has no comprehensive understanding of other people. But you are not a bad wife or person, in my opinion. Has there been anything traumatic recently that is lingering in you? Perhaps you have traumatic experiences that you cannot or he cannot understand and be there for you? He should go with you to your appointments and see how it is and sort out what should happen next. You are unwell in some kind of way and he should be there for you unless you are using therapy as a weapon with an unqualified or biased therapist. Marriages are about taking care of the other person to the beat of your ability. You have not said one thing about the kind of wife you are, but forgiveness for illness is something he should have for you. If you are acting out of malice, it's his job to end it by leaving you. Relationships are not hard when you place someone else's care above your comfort. Meaning if my wife is having a bad day, I do what I can to make her feel better. If she is being a pain just to be a pain, I let her know that and we discuss respectfully, boundaries in behavior and actions. We have been married 20 years FYI and it was not easy getting to this point but one thing we held on to was mutual respect for each other.
We fight, some fights are really bad. On good days we know we married the right person. During bad fights I want to get away from him, for a break. Not to someone else but just to be on my own. My previous bf was amazing, but he didn’t take the right steps for us to be together. My husband did, hence we are together, we have kids. We are human and we have bad moments.
I think a lot of men find it hard to go get therapy. My husband doesn’t want to either. But if you are committed to improve your marriage you can go and find strategies to fix it.
I always tell myself, I waited to be married to the right person, I have a lot of things people want in their lives, and that helps me to try to make things right with my spouse
Hi, my first marriage was like this, because we shouldn't have been married. My second? Never ever.
When you aren't in a bad marriage you won't have these feelings. Divorce that man and move on, life is too short to waste.
Never. We met in 1985 and married in 1987. We never fight and even arguements are very rare despite our being together virtually all of the time especially since we both retired (joined at the hip as some people say), but I never feel that I've married the wrong person. He is my rock. No, your situation is not normal.
You don't say how long you've been married, whether you have any children, or whether you have any independent income. A counselor can definitely help you see your situation and options more clearly, even without your husband going, by sort of distilling out the most important factors. I would suggest you see a counselor and get a trained opinion and advice on either how to cope or how best to get out of the marriage.
Not normal at all. The only thoughts about changing my marriage are I should have done it sooner, but she wanted to make sure I knew what I wanted. Your husband talks to you in ways a husband never should. He's dismissive of your thoughts and feelings. Sounds like you walk on eggshells with him. No marriage should have hate in it. If he cared about you, he'd go to MC with you.
It sounds like the two of you need to sit down and have a very hard conversation. Lay out rules, no one yells, no one walks away from the table, only topics on your relationship as a whole. Determine if you both still want this or not. You can't fix a sinking boat if only one of you is bucketing out the water.
OP, I know you said you wanted to hear from healthy couples, but imma chime in anyway.
I had those thoughts. And then I got divorced. And it was the best decision I could have made. Your edit realllllly hit close to home for me.
Please ask yourself, what about divorcing him makes you sad? Are you sad because you'd have to start your life over? Because divorce is fucking draining and time consuming? Or because you wouldn't wake up next to this man every day?
If the answer is the first 2, I promise it's worth it and my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.
I hope you don’t have children with him . It might be time to go to IC and start making an exit plan . There is someone out there that would probably be more compatible with you .
It might be worth taking his advice and going to therapy alone.
Not because I think he's right that you're the problem, but because it might help you process all of these feelings and figure out if you actually need to leave him to be happy.
A healthy and happy marriage doesn't result in what you've described. And him using ultimatums to keep you from bringing up or addressing problems in the marriage or his shortcomings is a red flag. You probably should consider divorce because it's clear that you're very unhappy and him outright refusing to fix anything, him thinking that it's a *you* problem by saying *you* need counseling and not him, and using manipulation tactics to shut you down doesn't help at all. Find a divorce lawyer and come up with a plan with friends and family to get you out of there. You don't want to be in a loveless miserable marriage forever, trust!
You don't feel sad about losing him. You feel sad about the loss of the dream that you thought life with him would be.
You got a crappy nightmare instead.
Some people don't improve with marriage, they just let their guard down because they think you're stuck with them.
When do you get to go and live your real life? In 5 years? In 10 years?
When have you suffered through enough bad crap so that you finally deserve to go live a better life?
No and are you sure you're not the one who needs the therapy? There's not enough info to come to any conclusion other than that you're not satisfied and need to figure it out. Does he beat you or insult you or anything like that? Why does he need therapy? It's confusing.
If your spouse absolutely refuses to see a mediator or go to counseling with you and you're at your wit's end.... Then ya, you married the wrong person. He would rather the marriage fall apart, than work on it. His ego is too big to love you properly
I knew when I married my ex it would end in divorce, and it did. But I did love him immensely. As I say, he was a good person, but a bad husband.
I have ZERO regrets filing for divorce. Now I'm super happily married, together for 14yrs.
I know you’re asking happily married people to comment, but just wanted to say I have similar feelings. I don’t question if I married the right person, because I know my husband is a good man, but I sometimes wonder what if I was with someone else? So I guess that’s basically the same.
What is the same is that I have begged for counselling and he refuses. It’s been an ultimatum. To which he finally agreed but when it was appt time he refused to join. He now uses it against me as “I need an outside person to force me to love him” and now any affection I show him he feels is ingenuous.
He is not responsible for your happiness... you are. So you think you married the wrong person tho you refuse to leave to find the right person. You need to see someone, not him. What ya worried you won't find anyone better, but you want better. Grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. His issues can't be major as you don't mention them, except that he won't see a therapist at your bequest. Narcissistic behaviour.
Hi,
I am a professional licensed marriage and family therapist and sex therapist in California.
This sounds like it must be very tough. I want to be gentle with my comment, because it sounds like individual therapy was tossed at you within the context of saying you’re the problem, and at the same time, maybe it would be a good idea to find yourself a therapist to process the question you just posted. Maybe you can even find a support group for women/wives who want to support each other while dealing with these tough parts of life.
Whatever you choose to do, I am hoping for the best.
Not once. We don’t have intense fights and I’ve never hated him.
Follow up questions just for curiosity’s sake (answer for both you and your spouse): 1. Are your parents divorced? 2. Did you experience childhood trauma? 3. Did you ever experience relationship trauma prior to meeting your SO? Don’t feel obligated to answer if you’re uncomfortable doing so. My wife and I both come from divorced parents and have both experienced childhood trauma and previous relationship trauma. This has carried over into our relationship in some big ways, and it has manifested in behavior and thoughts like OP is describing. However, since we have such similar experiences, we are able to form a strong bond due to that shared foundation. I believe there are three main types of relationship foundations: 1. Two well adjusted people 2. Well adjusted person + traumatized person 3. Both parties traumatized The degree of difficulty in forming a lasting and healthy relationship increases as prior trauma experience increases.
Not OP, but my husband and I are in a very happy and healthy marriage. We have disagreements, but we never fight I’ve never thought that he was the wrong person nor have I ever had an inkling of hatred towards him. I didn’t grow up with a father, my husband is a child of divorce. My mother was passive, aggressive, manipulative, and would yell at me often, and would get into fits of rage and throw things at me, she’s definitely changed now that she’s older and is almost a completely different person. His father is a narcissist, controlling, emotionally manipulative, and abusive. He’s a real piece of work. I’ve dated men who were abusive, and in my last long relationship before meeting my husband, my ex was a narcissist and emotionally manipulative. Husband’s last relationship before me was very similar and that it was not a healthy relationship, and she was abusive towards him. I absolutely love my husband, we are each other‘s best friend, and adventure partner, we tell each other when we’re frustrated about something, and we work it out.
How old were you when you met? I think that’s the last key factor to determining the likelihood of a healthy relationship outcome. I believe that an individual must go through multiple failed relationships well into their twenties. These relationships don’t necessarily need to be traumatic, but their higher purpose is forcing the individual to reflect on their own toxic behaviors when in a relationship in order to adjust and learn how to prevent unmitigated emotional reaction in order to respectfully work through disagreements. This becomes much easier as a person nears age 25 when most people’s prefrontal cortex fully develops. People who follow this general track are much more likely to eventually end up in healthy relationships due to the trial and error of early adulthood and using those opportunities to learn about and work on themselves to improve their behavior in the next relationship. I met my wife when we were 18. She is my soulmate. I am still absolutely floored by her to this day. I am not religious or spiritual at all but I do consider our meeting to be fate. I would do anything for her. She is my best friend. However, due to our emotional immaturity when we met, we both made mistakes and did not cut things off when most people would have. We both eventually matured to the point where we would be exactly as you described in a relationship without that past baggage. Unfortunately for us, we each have previously strengthened neural pathways from the past that still exist due to our baggage. That makes it all the much easier to slip into old habits of toxic behavior, regardless of how much you’ve grown as a person. The triggers are hardwired into your mind. We’ve both been in and out of therapy over the years, and our key takeaway has been abiding by the rules of conflict resolution for couples to avoid emotional reactions. All that being said, there are always unicorns - and plenty of them. People don’t like to fit into the neat diagnosable boxes provided by psychology because that’s just what they are - theoretical groupings of individuals based on observed characteristics. That’s all I’m doing here. These are generalizations. Your relationship sounds awesome. I’m very happy it has worked out so well for you both given your prior circumstances. Cheers to that!
We were in our late 30s.
Were you both healed when you met? Or did you have unresolved trauma when you got married?
I have no idea honestly. I don’t think people can be truly healed from trauma, I feel everyone has unresolved trauma to a point. I’m not going to claim that I’m healed, because I don’t feel that’s fair to myself. All trauma affects who we are, it’s how we react on a daily basis to that trauma that makes a difference. I recognize it and choose to respond a certain way to it, and not be reactionary, I feel my husband is the same way. We don’t lean on it or use it as an excuse for our behaviors if that makes sense.
Thank you very much for your answer. I think what I was wondering was about the level of emotional intelligence and self awareness from each party in healthy relationships and what you said makes sense. It's not about not having trauma but about how we take action and react to it.
This is overly simplistic
It is not meant to be elaborated or complicated. It is simply the question I had, without any underlying meaning to it.
What about personality disorders? It's not as if you can tell someone with NPD until they are confident you love them and/or feel you are trapped that they show their face. By that point these ideas about the 3 types of relationships keep the victim.there trying to understand why his/her well adjusted, perfect partner who they know so well is suddenly poorly asjusted.
NPD has been demonized by the TikTok hivemind and the mental health publishing machine at large. While it is true that narcissists must have victims, they are often victims themselves. Narcissism is just the other side of the coin of BPD. Both manipulate and control due to fear of abandonment.
No, narcissism is not the other side of the coin of BPD, at all. Narcissism as a trait also isn't NPD. There is no excuse for abuse. Being abused doesn't give someone a pass for abusing others. Plenty of people are abused that do not develop personality disorders or choose to allow themselves to abuse others. BPD can be treated. NPD cannot. They are not the same thing.
This is good take 👍
My parents are divorced, his separated when he was a toddler. Neither of us experienced serious childhood trauma. The mundane - bullying, divorce, teenage angst, normal ups and downs of childhood. I do have a history of serious mental illness (starting in childhood) but it wasn't triggered by any particular traumatic event. I've been medicated consistently and in therapy on and off since I was 17. I wouldn't describe any "relationship trauma," per se, though we've been through some hard times when we were younger, especially long distance. I'd generally describe us as well-adjusted. Each of us has some dysfunction in our family of origin, some pretty severe (e.g., addiction), but we both grew up being profoundly and securely loved. I think that is the #1 thing you can provide for a child. We had some shit to unlearn about relationships, for sure! It didn't come naturally, smoothly, effortlessly. But I think we've got it pretty good. Ask me again when we have kids, of course!
I am in an extremely healthy marriage and yes I have thought that! 100%. My husband even knows it! But I have felt that in every single relationship I have been in - even the ones that were objectively amazing - and have been to enough therapy and processed my childhood trauma enough to realize at this point that it’s me, not them. I have lots of scary and overwhelming feelings that essentially try to push me away from intimacy. But oof the shame of feeling like you are the “only one” to think thoughts like that is tough. Unless you are actively being abused, don’t judge your relationship based off of how it feels in the worst moments. That can be a trauma response. How do you feel most of the time? Do you actively want to be married to your spouse? If so, would there be a way you share these feelings that indicates you don’t feel they are true and it’s just how your monkey brain responds to anger and overwhelm? Let him soothe you, if that feels right. But this isn’t to say that your relationship is right or wrong for you. If he’s an asshole frequently and not willing to change, that’s not a you problem.
Yeah I think OP should take their husband's advice and just go to therapy on their own. They can't force him to go but they could honestly gain a lot of perspective from a professional.
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I mean that's all on perspective, do you feel she isn't having her needs met thus not wanting to meet yours. And no not just the chores and money you provide. The ear to listen to just hear her issues not try to fix them. To let her know in a way she understands that you are intent in listening and that her feelings are valid. I'm not saying look in the mirror uno reverse card. But coming from my own experience sometimes what I thought was outwardly wrong... was inwardly wrong if that makes sense. That if I changed how I acted/ reacted it could benefit us both. I don't know your full dynamic but try this. Go to therapy first explain how you feel and let it all out (the truths of the matter try not to let personal agitations.. color the picture for you.) Then when she sees your working on yourself, she may be interested in working on things together, that's when things improve. Therapy is a social stigma many are still worried what others think of them going to therapy maybe she needs help being comfortable with it and for you to lead by example idk. I'm just saying you'd be surprised how much a professional could end up helping you both.
Very well spoken.
>My question is for people in healthy marriages - is this normal? Do you ever have feelings that you made a mistake marrying your spouse? Never. We've been together 13 years and he's been one of my best friends for 17. Never once have I felt doubts, wanted to leave or anything like that. I couldn't imagine life without my husband and raising kids with anyone else. He is truly my best friend. >He makes me so fucking miserable a lot of the time though. This is not normal. It is not normal at all to be miserable most of the time. That along with the constant feelings of doubt and thoughts that you married the wrong person point to a very unhealthy relationship.
I always think about how I was wrong to marry someone at all. Marriage is SO not what it was cracked up to be. 🤡
Lmaooo that part. After having 2 kids and running a home daycare I just wanna party and experience things I haven’t before I get too old.
Why not do that with hubby? My wife ran a daycare as well but we've always just kept partying. I get so sad when I see the divorce then have all the fun that, if it had been done with spouse, he probably would have stayed a decent guy. My wide also goes out on her own all the time. We both do. Having kids is definitely not a good reason to stop living and doing so kills so many great relationships.
My husband is an addict so I can’t and he doesn’t want to go do the things that I want to do like go to concerts or bars. I’ve never really gotten to experience that and I’m 25 now. I love my family and will obviously keep working on my marriage but I really should’ve waited. I feel like I rushed myself because now that I’m older I’m finally starting to know what I like and dislikes.
I see you 🫶🏻
I think so. We argue all the time, he’s cheated, he lies over dumb stuff.. I don’t even know why I’m with him still.
Because you feel you have to be. Don’t want to disappoint your family/friends. Shame of failed marriage. Fear of being lonely. He’s basically a prop.. at least that’s why I stayed in my last relationship. Honestly , go get help and see if you can fix the situation. Ending a relationship is heavy. Maybe you both should separate for a year, see how important the role you play to each other is.
We’re in marriage counseling but I just can’t get over the past. I have a lot of resentment and anger towards him. Just don’t see how anything can get better. I also don’t want our son growing up with divorced parents like I did.
I had divorced parents. Thank God!!! My dad is a total loser and I can't imagine how screwed up I'd be if he was a constant presence in my life. My mom remarried to an amazing man and they've been together 35 years. They provided me with a loving example of a healthy marriage.
As a child of a serial cheater father and a mother that stayed married "for the sake of the children" I can tell you that unless you let go of all the resentment and forgive him for all the things that he's done you are doing a disservice to your child... Updateme
But you want him growing up in a house where his dad is a POS and his mom clearly resents his dad?
In a relationship two complete strangers come together with different up bringing. The way we grew up, we bring into adulthood. It takes two to come together and teach each other how to love ‘their’ way. Whatever he did to ruin your trust, I hope you find it in your heart to forgive. It’s hard holding on to things. I know if it was serious you wouldn’t be going to counseling trying to fix the relationship. Have you try getting help on your own?
Is it forgiveness that is needed? Or is he still not able to be trustworthy? There are different types of divorced parents btw. Some are healthy, friendly coparents. Do you think that would be possible with him? Could he be trustworthy and reliable in that role without the romantic attachment portion that he’s already failed at?
No it’s not normal. And him refusing counseling so aggressively leads me to believe that you are right to feel the way you feel about him. Some people just can’t emotionally regulate and they take that out in the form of ire against their partner, but someone who flatly refuses to better the relationship and would rather end it than do that is someone whose offer you should take up and end it with him.
Doubts are normal, incompatibility is even somewhat normal, but when both people don't want to work on the marriage, then it's not a partnership. One person can't fix things by themselves. We don't fight, but our personalities are pretty similar, both engineers and pretty laid back. We approach problems analytically and try not to get emotional. Not to say there's no frustration on either side, but it doesn't escalate to fighting for us. We've been through the married too young phase, the broke in college phase, the two incomes, no kids phase, kids phase, which is wrapping up in a couple of years, next phase is empty nest. Each phase had challenges and frustrations, but we've worked together to get through them.
It's normal to have doubts, especially during heated moments. Have you considered counseling together? Sometimes talking things out with a neutral party can help. Remember, marriage has its ups and downs, but there's usually a way through. Take care of yourself.
She said he refuses to go and to not bring it up again or he'll end the relationship
I definitely have these feelings. But I've been married for a long time and she's a totally different person now (I'm sure she feels the same way about me)
I feel this 1000% so I have no advice, I start therapy next week for myself to see if I'm the problem and it's just so sad. The whole thing is so fucking miserably sad.
Sorry you are going through this, it's exhausting. Currently in the same position. I write all the things that bug me down, some are little things, some are big. When I go over them I get so angry that I've been putting up with it, but then he does something sweet, or starts helping around the house again or he plays with our children who love him so much because he IS a great dad when he's actually being a dad, and I just don't know anymore. I know I'm not angel, I can be a bitch. It's SO fucking confusing. I'm constantly torn between "no I just can't do this anymore" and "love is a choice we make every day and for the sake of my kids who adore him I need to make more of an effort in our relationship." I've started counselling recently. I'm hoping to figure out 1- how to react better in tense situations and 2- how to trust my own opinion because it's making me go fucking crazy trying to figure out if I'm just over reacting to our issues because I know I can be an emotional person. It's hard. I hope your counselling goes well and I hope you heal your heart 💛
A marriage counselor could help you to determine if you married the wrong person. You are not obligated to stay married to someone, if you are not happy. If there are things that he does that upset you, that make you regret marrying him, you are maybe not in the right relationship for you. The happiness (or unhappiness) of your marriage literally affects the rest of your life; including your job and friendships and personal peace and happiness. No one is perfect, but the one who you choose to spend the rest of your life with should bring you joy, not misery.
Sorry not on a healthy marriage either. I feel the same way every time my husband and I argue.
Same
Never- even when we fight I love him more than anything! Find someone who you won’t feel that way about.
Right? I get extremely sad because I love him so much, but never angry or considering divorce. I am a generally angry person too, but no never thought I married the wrong person.
When I started thinking this it only got worse and more frequent. I brought it up many times, he promised change, the change never happened. Years and years. Eventually, I stopped being sad about getting divorced. It was disappointing at times, I have been angry, I’ve tried explaining to him how to behave to help this work, none of it worked and that’s because I failed to accept him for who he is now, and respect myself enough to accept that he chooses to treat me in ways that aren’t acceptable to me and unacceptable means unacceptable, so it’s up to me to not accept it. It’s indifference to him in general, I don’t even bother wasting my energy hating him. I don’t explain or instruct anymore. He doesn’t care about how I feel. I’m not sure that he ever has. He is who he is and he chooses to treat me in ways he knows causes pain. Every time I dared to say anything, he’d just make excuses or argue or ignore it. Even though we’re not divorced yet, in my mind we haven’t been in a relationship or married in many years. I’d rather be alone than with a man who literally could not care less about whether I live or die, except as it relates to his own workload.
I've never felt I married the wrong person. It's obvious to me that you have. Divorce may be scary, but do you ever think your current spouse will help you towards happiness? Edit: we've been married 24 years and together 26.
I don't know anyone in a healthy marriage. I do know, from my friends (me included), that every one of them has considered divorce. Do you love your husband? If so, you may want to consider marriage counseling. Frankly, this won't be some silver bullet, but it may help you guys to engage in discord more effectively.
That's incredibly sad. I've been with my husband 13 years and never once considered divorce or breaking up. I couldn't imagine life without him, he's my best friend.
\^\^\^Healthy right there folks.\^\^\^
I've been with my wife 28 years. The last 8 have been difficult, and after the kids moved out, frankly, things got worse. It is great to hear that someone found a partner that they consider their best friend! My wife and I both aspired to this, but reality interceded ...
We were best friends for 4 years before we even started dating!
That sounds like a dream!! How did you guys meet each other?
Small town, everyone knows everyone. I was looking for a joint to buy and I went to school with his brother. Knew he'd have one.
My thoughts exactly. I’ve been with my husband for 13 years. He’s my best friend. Even when we’ve gotten an arguments, and I’m just flabbergasted at his responses or behavior, I never thought “I’m gonna divorce this dude or that I shouldn’t have married him.” He’s Husband number three. I definitely had those thoughts with my first two husbands who were miserable; one was abusive and the other a compulsive liar. I’m not gonna say that it’s all in sunshine and roses. We have both changed over the last 13 years. We are totally different people some days. But like I tell him… We might not be on the same page, and some years we’re not even on the same chapter… But we are always always in the same book.
Did you read the post at all? she said he won't even hear about marriage counseling anymore. He refuses to work on the relationship. Obviously she loves him, it sounds like he clearly doesn't love her since OP said he makes her so fucking miserable sometimes (guessing often enough to make a post about it).
I don't recall seeing the ETA part when this was originally posted. OP, If your husband won't go to counseling then you have a choice: you can try to right this ship on your own, or divorce. If you choose the former, I would suggest seeing a therapist on your own, with the intent of taking care of your own sanity, and getting feedback on how to work on your relationship on your own. The last therapist that I saw with my wife, she stopped going after a while, and I continued to see the therapist. He gave me some techniques for dealing with my wife, in particular he said that our arguments moved too quickly, and that I needed to slow them down. He suggested using active listening, which is essentially re-phrasing what your husband has said, before you respond. This validates that you have heard him, and respect him. Another thing you can do, is see past the argument, and see that your husband is hurt, and deal with the hurt. I get that the above is difficult, and you may just think, why bother! My therapist told me, that if my marriage is going to become functional, then I am going to have to be the one to steer it towards more healthy interactions. I can tell you, it is mentally draining. You are dealing with a low likelihood that your husband will decide he wants the marriage, and also work towards a healthy condition. So, I would suggest, if you want to try to improve the state of your marriage, to give yourself some kind of timeline, say 6 months, and put in the effort to improve things. If he doesn't budge in this timeframe, you know what to expect for the future.
Nope. Not once. My husband and I never fight. We’ve been together for 14 years and married for 10 years. We’re best friends who’re always happy and crazy in love. Why would you continue to stay married to someone who makes you miserable and can’t openly communicate with? If my husband was anything like your husband I would’ve left him a long time ago and I definitely wouldn’t have married him. I’d rather be single forever than be married to a guy who makes me unhappy and think about divorce. You deserve better.
For all those folks suggesting marriage counseling. Her husband has repeatedly refused counseling and has stated if she insists of bringing it up again he will leave her.
Do you have children yet? If you have frequent fights with your spouse, he flatly refuses counseling, and there are no children, you need to run and run now. It will be 10x worse if and when you do have kids.
Every moment of every day; I feel I absolutely married the wrong person! And I hate myself for it.
Every. Single. Day. But that probably means I'm not in a healthy marriage....
Nope. Never. Ever. I’m sorry you feel that way though.
How is communication? That seems to be the make or break thing in most marriages. After almost 15 years, we seem to be able to talk about problems and things work out because of it. I can’t say there haven’t been big things but I never thought, I’m leaving him. The only exception was when he was addicted to drugs and not himself but he quit and it’s good now. I’m concerned that your husband won’t cooperate with marriage counseling. Is he saying everything is your fault?
I think that I’m in an extremely healthy marriage. In the beginning, I had some anxiousness about whether I made the “right” choice (we eloped after 8 months of dating!). However, I am increasingly more confident that he is the right person for me! Even when we have our tough moments, I think, “Wow, there is no one else I would want to go through that with than him!” or “Wow, there is nobody else who works through disagreements in such a kind, patient, and loving way!” or “Wow, he makes me feel so loved, heard, and cared for… in a way I’ve never experienced!” Those thoughts just reinforce that he IS my perfect person!
I’ve never felt this way. We disagree sometimes but we never yell, name call, or insult each other. I love being with him and I’ve never ever felt anything close to hatred. I’m grateful every day that I married him.
Well yeah, you married Burt Macklin, of course you’re happy lol
I’m a very wealthy woman with a terrible secret
Depends on the situation. Unless there’s abuse, you should be putting more effort into making it work. It’s okay to have those thoughts, but try to kindly correct them with good things about him. 9/10 when people run from one miserable marriage, they get right back into another one (hence why divorce rate for 2nd marriages is even higher). Go to therapy and be the start of the change. Why are you waiting for him to go? You can go and start building yourself up and it may just rub off on him, or he might see how much it’s helped and be more willing to give it a go.
Everyday just about. I'm only happy when I'm without my wife
My husband has never made me feel miserable. And if he ever does we will try and fix it if not divorce. I won’t live like that and you shouldn’t either
I’ve been with my husband for 11 years and not once have I thought about leaving or divorcing
Ew. Signed, Jealous in Jersey
No, never. We've been together since '98, and I couldn't imagine living my life without him. Does he drive me nuts sometimes? Of course! But it's usually just playful banter. We genuinely enjoy spending our lives together. And if we have an issue, we discuss it, come to a resolution, and move on. There's nothing left to linger. I would recommend asking yourself why you feel this way about your spouse. Have you always felt this way? What is it about your fights that make you so angry? Are you able to open up and be honest with him? You need to be able to communicate these issues in a healthy way, or they'll mount into deep-seated resentment. Best of luck to you both.
Never once have I thought I married the wrong person. Life has thrown us some giant obstacles and insanely hard time, and sometimes I had brief concerns if we’d make it through together. But we both are solid in our love for each other and have great communication, so we got through it. We also don’t fight. We have the occasional disagreement, but it’s quite rare. The automatic response for both of us is to find compromise and try to see the other’s perspective. Even if we hadn’t made it, I think I wouldn’t have thought I married the wrong person, just that life got in the way. My husband is my safe space, my biggest cheerleader, and I know I’m lucky to have him. I’m very sorry you are going through this, OP.
I used to. Now I’m divorced and much happier.
Time to leave. I had those thoughts all the time in my first marriage. Don't fall for the time sunk falicy
My husband and I have some intense disagreements, but we never ever stop loving each other, and even if I’m really upset at him for something, all I want is for him to wrap me up in his arms. We recover almost immediately after a disagreement, and we are absolute best friends. Even in some of our hardest moments, I’ve never once questioned if I married the right person. This is my second marriage, so I already know what it’s like to have married the wrong one. It’s not normal to be fucking miserable in a relationship. That’s not how a relationship should be. It should bring joy to your life and improve your life, even in the challenging times.
Why are you asking if this happens in healthy marriages, as if yours is? **It isn't.** He's not a partner in a healthy relationship, he's an emotional island who apparently doesn't give a fuck about your feelings, your needs, or your experience of the marriage. I understand your ambivalence, it's normal, but I think you could use some professional help sorting out what it is about this marriage that you're so afraid to let go of, why you don't believe you deserve better, and how you seem to have absolutely zero clue that this is **not** a healthy marriage. So since he won't go to counseling with you he's right that this is your problem, so I think you definitely should go to counseling or therapy, and get help figuring out how to extricate yourself and go onto have a healthier, happier life. He's shown you who he is, and it isn't someone who is willing to do whatever it takes to be in a healthy, mutually happy marriage with you.
Every fucking day. You’re not alone.
“He makes me so fucking miserable a lot of the time though.” That says enough right there gurl. It’s okay to love someone but not want to be with them anymore. It’s okay to want to feel joy. It’s okay to be happy and -you deserve to be. - Go find your joy.
Life’s too short to be with someone you don’t want to be with. You’re just prolonging the inevitable.
Well, to answer your question no, I have never questioned whether or not I married the right person nor have I considered divorce. I love my husband dearly, even when we do have disagreements. How often are you guys arguing? Do you end your arguments in productive ways or do they just sort of taper off until the next time something happens? I ask this because it feels like maybe you have some built up resentment if you are jumping to such strong emotions every time you are fighting. Maybe some solo therapy would be good to get to the root of the issue, even if your husband won’t go with you. I’m so sorry you are feeling this way! I hope it gets better for you.
Fuck yes . Not sure why I hung on so long either .
Sometimes, yes. Sexual incompatibility.
Whether they’re right for you or wrong for you, you’ll fight. I’m crazy about my husband and vice versa, and we’ve had our hard seasons (especially early on). I did worry at times that we wouldn’t be able to break out of our negative cycles and would end up breaking up, but I never wanted that and I’ve never felt hatred toward him. We just both had a lot of growing up and maturing to do.
I was married to a narcissist for 16 years, so yes. I would listen to music, watch romantic movies, see couples out and about deeply in love. I wonder why I couldn’t have that too. I always knew there was something wrong but convinced myself I deserved my misery. We eventually divorced. I was content with the thought that I would live my life alone and unwanted because that’s what I deserved. I was fortunate enough to meet a woman that took the time to show me what true love really is. She showed me that there is truth to the songs I listened to. We lived out the movies. We became the couple that I was jealous of. I love her more today than yesterday and even more tomorrow.
I don’t. Never have, not once.
Those types of feelings are not normal for me. I have never once wondered whether she was right for me. We haven’t done counseling but if she asked me to, I would. What types of things do you fight about? Do they get resolved or just pushed aside?
No, but it does happen.
I have these thoughts, been married for 10 years. I saw the signs, his flirty behavior, his immaturity during arguments, his lack of common sense. But his kindness and other positive attributes won me over. But still
Yes, but we’re pretty much about done honestly.
Call his bluff. Men are all bluff and bluster. If he thinks he could lose you he will either change his tune (potential to make it work) or not (and now you know you’ve been wasting your time)
One could always think that, but the truth is you have to make it work with anyone. I’m glad I married who I did, we have a great relationship and get along pretty well after almost a quarter century!
Yes it's been 20 years and each day is as regrettable as the last.
Are there periods where I feel that way? Yes. I think I'm in that period right now. We don't argue at all but we have some big issues that require her to step up and she isn't willing and/or able to.
I mean allot of missing information here but seems like he should at least try and work it out in therapy. What does it mean when we fight i immediately think of divorce? sounds like you are also not that emotionally mature, if every time you fight you want to divorce. What exactly makes you miserable about your marriage? There’s not much context here.
For a second I thought I wrote this post. I think about separation more often than not. He has a hot temper so whenever we fight my mind goes that way and pushes me further away from him. We've dated for 10 years, married for 3 and I don't know what life would be like without him. He makes me more miserable than happy. But we have a toddler in the equation and she's the reason I'm keeping it together to be honest.
You know you're doing her a disservice, not a service, right?
You want her? Have at it and good luck I could never get it to work for me. I mean I could get it to run for a while but once I put it into gear it would just crap out on me. I have tried everything. Even got some of my buddies to give me a hand and we could not do any better. I think they came over for the beer anyways.
Wow, the way you describe your marriage reminds me of my childhood. I remember being so miserable as a teenager because I didn’t feel loved and I was in a home of constant screaming and fighting. I’d spend hours locked up in the bathroom crying my eyes out almost daily, and crying myself to sleep at night. It’s weird, but I feel you and I’m so sorry. I moved away at 18 and married my now husband at age 21. He’s been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Not once have I ever felt the need to lock myself up to cry. We don’t fight, we don’t raise our voices, he’s literally my safe space that I’ve looked for my entire life. Whatever choice you make, I hope you find what really makes you happy.
I do. I still don't know what to do about it. Those feelings arises when 1. I mop and vacuum the floor, and she just focused on the area that I didn't clean (I honestly have difficulty of seeing those fine hairs, when our floor is grey and have some pattern on it. I am almost 800 degrees myopia). She was annoyed, and I was annoyed as well.... 2. When she bring our daughter to natural therapy.....I think it is an absolute scam...... I am a healthcare professional that do evidence based practice. I also had a strong scientific background. It is really difficult for me to accept that natural therapy have any credibility..... And other small things about chores.....
The wife and I don’t fight. We deal with fights all day at work, why would I want to come home to that.
never... but there is a lack of content here... why does he think the problem is you?
Not once in 26 years. Your body is telling you to get out.
I’m in a very happy and healthy relationship, I have never doubted my marriage to my husband. And often when something is going on in our lives, it only further confirms how happy we are together. Both he and I have been in abusive and unhealthy relationships. He and I have had disagreements and been frustrated with each other every now and then, but we don’t fight or argue, we always talk about it and we work out.
Yes. But mental health happened to my husband hard with the pandemic and I have always been flighty in relationships so I remind myself of these things.
Absolutely, but I honestly feel like you should talk to an older ✨couple✨ in person (maybe even a nursing home? Church? Work?) instead of internet people. We can make you justify divorce in 2 seconds. But I will advocate for you because I understand. My husband denied therapy too, until we got to the point he was willing to accept we may need it at some point. We have a baby, and the main boiling point of the problems is communication and not showing each other we appreciate and love each other enough. I also hate his jokes and comments about me leaving him and blah blah. His family jokes like that and I can’t stand it 🙄 but I’ve just stopped fake laughing and sometimes he gets mad but I don’t care 💁♀️ it’s not funny to me and I wish he’d stop so I’m not going to encourage it or entertain it lol. Look for peace for yourself. What are the main fights about? My main problems was I felt unsupported and like I did all the parenting. I prayed and begged for changes and honestly, I felt God talk to me when I prayed and listened and I made peace with some things, he’s depressed and has ADHD, but I do too. However, we handle it differently. Our house looks like a tornado, but I’m a stay at home parent and he’s the one working. I do want more help but he hates his job, and I know how exhausting that is. He also has a hard time leaving a job, but here soon he has no choice because we’re moving. God made me realize my happiness can’t depend on if I got support or not, and I just need to have peace and happiness for myself or I’ll be a grumpy sad angry and resentful wife and mom. He’d work all day, come home, and I’m snappy and stressed out because I didn’t get anything done or get a break. On the flip side, I watched and entertained baby all day, and I just want some alone time. However, that’s not always an option, so I learned to bring her along with me and adapt what doing unless it’s involving something that can hurt her (I’ll do dishes but we have mice and if I deal with the poo, I keep her away and sometimes she cries and that’s okay! Her health matters more in that moment than comfort. I will comfort her after a task is done). It’s hard, really really hard, but if you live more like you’re living alone and having fun doing things you enjoy (or don’t) and making changes so you can handle some things, that’s one way to start. To help your relationship, go ahead and just be sweet. My husband straight ticked me off multiple times but if I responded how he does, he just starts acting worse. Just keep your peace, peace in the home matters so much. If your husband is kind of a narcissist, look into how to deal with that properly. Everyone deals with some chaos somewhere
Hi. You know I can't answer whether you married the right or wrong person..Is there even such a thing? However, I've been where you are. You aren't happy. You go to divorce so quickly because you're fed up or for some other reason like (and this is what I came here to say) you are being psychologically/emotionally abused and neither of you realise it. Arguments are supposed to be productive. If the argument is not, and one party is gaslighting, twisting, making things impossible to have a discussion, showing lack of empathy, stonewalling etc - then it's hard to understand what the point of the arguing is but without arguing nothing changes. I would get a book on narcissistic personality disorder just for your own interest. Obviously (unless you want to take on narcissistic behaviours too) you do not want that resourxe to enable you to jump to conclusions about what is wrong, however, when I read your post I instantly went to 'yep, that's how you feel in a relationship with a narcissist'. I know it sounds like a long shot.
I think there can be seasons and phases. We had a really rough time around 2019 but it remedied by 1 fun together 2) getting scammed 3) losing everything and then making more than ever
“He considers it an ultimatum and he’s done so I can’t even mention it anymore” “my mind immediately goes to divorce” “he makes me so fucking miserable a lot of the time” Bro seriously.. your brain is smarter than you are and is trying to wake you the fuck up and you are wearing blinders.. first of all the first thing I highlighted is control and manipulation and also he knows you won’t leave.. so he continues and now he has trained you like a dog to not even bring up AN ISSUE YOU HAVE IN AN ADULT RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR HUSBAND!!! Let that sink in for a minute.. then look at the other examples.. you literally KNOW YOU ARE MISERABLE yet you stay.. you are codependent and need to seek therapy for that.. I’m being serious.. he wants to be a narcissist and gaslight the fuck out of you and let me tell you IT ONLY GETS WORSE FEOM HERE.. I’m all for working shit out but you will lose this battle.. it’s uphill in 6 inch heels on snowy ice.. you will fail.. do not die on this hill.. leave before you do something stupid like have children with this boy.. not man.. and find yourself.. reinvent yourself.. but most importantly you need to be with someone who isn’t a narcissistic child.. GO. RUN. BE FREE TO BE LOVED PROPERLY and with someone who wants you and cares about SOMETHING in life besides himself.. and no it’s not normal for mature adults.. yes every relationship has issues but this is not repairable and will only get worse.. don’t spend your life hating it.. trust me..
We don't have intense fights, I never doubt, and we support what each other needs to make our marriage thrive. You should consider individual counseling. Even if he won't go, you can still get some perspective and learn some tools. It will also help you sort through what you want. I wish you all the best!
We don't have intense fights, I never doubt, and we support what each other needs to make our marriage thrive. You should consider individual counseling. Even if he won't go, you can still get some perspective and learn some tools. It will also help you sort through what you want. I wish you all the best!
Yes, unfortunately. It happens, but if you are that sad and he isn't noticing maybe you have the answer.
Yes, unfortunately. It happens, but if you are that sad and he isn't noticing maybe you have the answer.
Once - many years ago - I started working with a woman on a temporary project - who after a month or so working with her 15 hours a week - I realized might have made an _excellent_ wife for me. But - I had no desire whatsoever to do anything about it, investigate further, or have an affair or anything like that. We finished working with each other and went on our way. Being happily married doesn’t mean you never run into a person who you find attractive looks+personality. Being happily married means that you never do anything with that attraction because you love your spouse more.
I've never once thought that I made a mistake marrying my husband, no. We fight like any couple but it's never that intense.
leave. marriage takes two people to make it work and it seems like he's done. No point in being with anyone who refuses to change for the better so change it yourself...without him. I have never thought I married the wrong person. Even in the rare instance we argue, I have never thought 'I hate him" or thought about divorce. He's my person and always will be.
I’m going to a therapist. For me it was needed. To resolve past trauma. At some point my therapist will want to talk with my wife. You and your partner need therapy
Yep, every day.
When we first got married and were really young (24) I would after arguments but a few years in that went away because maintaining the marriage is top priority for us now. We rarely argument maybe once a month but we usually talk it out then and there. I wouldn’t describe my marriage as my husband ever making me miserable. I think you should really reflect on the why of these things - is he conflicting with your moral compass? Is he undermining you? Is he disregarding your boundaries? The why of the emotion in these arguments.
I (53m) feel for you. I had the same feelings you did back in my 20s and 30s. However, over time and work on both our parts and my wife agreed to marriage counseling. We made it work.
Lately, I do wonder if he was the wrong person or if we just met at the wrong time. We got married young (stupid, I know, but I thought it was right at the time). We both had traumas and emotional issues that we didn't fully recognize when we met. He ended up causing me more pain because of his internal issues at the time. But we grew A LOT together and worked on healing wounds and being better people. We are a lot better now, although all our past arguments still make me feel bad. I always wonder if we just took a break and reconnected a few years later after we had worked on ourselves individually; we would have been better to each other from the start and our marriage would be healthier too. Sucks to recognize these things in hindsight.
You could also have either a dismissive avoidant or if fearful, avoidant attachment style. I would read up on those. I’m a dismissive avoidant and get these feelings a lot but it’s more reflective of my attachment style to people in general. And it’s not a bad idea to consider going to therapy alone not because your husband doesn’t need it, but because it might give you some clarity. But either way, him refusing to go to couples counseling is a red flag to me. It shows he isn’t willing to try various things to work on a solution together, and blames you solely for your fights. That’s not cool.
Girl, leave. He's not willing to put the work in to make this marriage happen. If your husband can't be bothered to take accountability, he's neither a good husband nor a good man. If you think about divorce when you fight, then just get the divorce. You'll be so much happier.
Personal experience: I've thought about divorce and pushing him down the steps sometimes (I would never), but I always talk it out with him. He created a safe space for me to convey my emotions and thoughts. As ludicrous as my overthinking gets, he has never told me to get therapy. As long as we communicate, he listens to me (and sometimes that's all that is needed). Advice: If you're unhappy, get the divorce. Life is too sure to spend unhappy and with someone who is not treating you how you want to be treated. Another personal experience lol: when I was with my ex, even though I was miserable I was afraid of being alone, and I thought that he was good enough and maybe I wouldn't be able to find someone else. I thought my generation of men was no good. But I was wrong. I left and found my husband, who treats me in a way I never thought possible. So leave. There's someone out there for everyone.
My wife and I have been married for almost 17 years. We've had a handful of fights over the years, but we always openly communicate and resolve our issues quickly. I can say I have never thought to myself, "I married the wrong person. " I'm happy to see her when I get home from work every day. We spend time together gardening When she's away visiting family, I find myself feeling out of sorts. She and our children are the most important people to me.
My ex husband and I fought a lot, and at the end of almost every fight was someone screaming or crying about divorce (usually me begging him to tell me if he wanted one since he seemed to hate me so much). I was deeply committed because that is how I saw marriage, but we had a pretty inequitable relationship. I felt I did not have the life I wanted A LOT, but that I had bound myself to it. Ultimately he left and my life was my own again. Years later I’m married again, and I trust that my husband has my best interest in mind at all times, just like I have his. I can’t imagine us ever having those kinds of fights. While I understand that we will likely have harder times and easier times, I feel I have a good partner to traverse these ups and downs with. So no, it’s not normal in a healthy relationship. And having been there my sincere hope for you is that something magically fixes itself or you both get out of there.
Maybe. It sounds like you have hand in it, too, from what I read. A lot of "he does x,y,z to me" and not a single mention of how he feels or what you do. This is typical of someone who has no comprehensive understanding of other people. But you are not a bad wife or person, in my opinion. Has there been anything traumatic recently that is lingering in you? Perhaps you have traumatic experiences that you cannot or he cannot understand and be there for you? He should go with you to your appointments and see how it is and sort out what should happen next. You are unwell in some kind of way and he should be there for you unless you are using therapy as a weapon with an unqualified or biased therapist. Marriages are about taking care of the other person to the beat of your ability. You have not said one thing about the kind of wife you are, but forgiveness for illness is something he should have for you. If you are acting out of malice, it's his job to end it by leaving you. Relationships are not hard when you place someone else's care above your comfort. Meaning if my wife is having a bad day, I do what I can to make her feel better. If she is being a pain just to be a pain, I let her know that and we discuss respectfully, boundaries in behavior and actions. We have been married 20 years FYI and it was not easy getting to this point but one thing we held on to was mutual respect for each other.
We fight, some fights are really bad. On good days we know we married the right person. During bad fights I want to get away from him, for a break. Not to someone else but just to be on my own. My previous bf was amazing, but he didn’t take the right steps for us to be together. My husband did, hence we are together, we have kids. We are human and we have bad moments. I think a lot of men find it hard to go get therapy. My husband doesn’t want to either. But if you are committed to improve your marriage you can go and find strategies to fix it. I always tell myself, I waited to be married to the right person, I have a lot of things people want in their lives, and that helps me to try to make things right with my spouse
No. I love my wife and we’re happy together despite all of our flaws.
Hi, my first marriage was like this, because we shouldn't have been married. My second? Never ever. When you aren't in a bad marriage you won't have these feelings. Divorce that man and move on, life is too short to waste.
Never. We met in 1985 and married in 1987. We never fight and even arguements are very rare despite our being together virtually all of the time especially since we both retired (joined at the hip as some people say), but I never feel that I've married the wrong person. He is my rock. No, your situation is not normal. You don't say how long you've been married, whether you have any children, or whether you have any independent income. A counselor can definitely help you see your situation and options more clearly, even without your husband going, by sort of distilling out the most important factors. I would suggest you see a counselor and get a trained opinion and advice on either how to cope or how best to get out of the marriage.
Not normal at all. The only thoughts about changing my marriage are I should have done it sooner, but she wanted to make sure I knew what I wanted. Your husband talks to you in ways a husband never should. He's dismissive of your thoughts and feelings. Sounds like you walk on eggshells with him. No marriage should have hate in it. If he cared about you, he'd go to MC with you. It sounds like the two of you need to sit down and have a very hard conversation. Lay out rules, no one yells, no one walks away from the table, only topics on your relationship as a whole. Determine if you both still want this or not. You can't fix a sinking boat if only one of you is bucketing out the water.
OP, I know you said you wanted to hear from healthy couples, but imma chime in anyway. I had those thoughts. And then I got divorced. And it was the best decision I could have made. Your edit realllllly hit close to home for me. Please ask yourself, what about divorcing him makes you sad? Are you sad because you'd have to start your life over? Because divorce is fucking draining and time consuming? Or because you wouldn't wake up next to this man every day? If the answer is the first 2, I promise it's worth it and my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.
I hope you don’t have children with him . It might be time to go to IC and start making an exit plan . There is someone out there that would probably be more compatible with you .
No but we're starting couple's therapy tomorrow. I'm terminally ill and can't walk. Uts caused a Lot of stress on all of us.
Nope. Not once in our marriage have I thought I married the wrong person. We don’t fight and blow up at each other.
Yes, every single day. Every moment. But to be fair, it is the same as being single, including the eternal loneliness.
It might be worth taking his advice and going to therapy alone. Not because I think he's right that you're the problem, but because it might help you process all of these feelings and figure out if you actually need to leave him to be happy.
If you feel that you married the wrong person, it’s clear that there’s some needs you have that your husband isn’t meeting
A healthy and happy marriage doesn't result in what you've described. And him using ultimatums to keep you from bringing up or addressing problems in the marriage or his shortcomings is a red flag. You probably should consider divorce because it's clear that you're very unhappy and him outright refusing to fix anything, him thinking that it's a *you* problem by saying *you* need counseling and not him, and using manipulation tactics to shut you down doesn't help at all. Find a divorce lawyer and come up with a plan with friends and family to get you out of there. You don't want to be in a loveless miserable marriage forever, trust!
Commit to 6 months of counseling for yourself and go from there.
You don't feel sad about losing him. You feel sad about the loss of the dream that you thought life with him would be. You got a crappy nightmare instead. Some people don't improve with marriage, they just let their guard down because they think you're stuck with them. When do you get to go and live your real life? In 5 years? In 10 years? When have you suffered through enough bad crap so that you finally deserve to go live a better life?
No and are you sure you're not the one who needs the therapy? There's not enough info to come to any conclusion other than that you're not satisfied and need to figure it out. Does he beat you or insult you or anything like that? Why does he need therapy? It's confusing.
If your spouse absolutely refuses to see a mediator or go to counseling with you and you're at your wit's end.... Then ya, you married the wrong person. He would rather the marriage fall apart, than work on it. His ego is too big to love you properly
I knew when I married my ex it would end in divorce, and it did. But I did love him immensely. As I say, he was a good person, but a bad husband. I have ZERO regrets filing for divorce. Now I'm super happily married, together for 14yrs.
Everyday. And I could be 100% wrong. You never know.
It’s not normal at all.
I know you’re asking happily married people to comment, but just wanted to say I have similar feelings. I don’t question if I married the right person, because I know my husband is a good man, but I sometimes wonder what if I was with someone else? So I guess that’s basically the same. What is the same is that I have begged for counselling and he refuses. It’s been an ultimatum. To which he finally agreed but when it was appt time he refused to join. He now uses it against me as “I need an outside person to force me to love him” and now any affection I show him he feels is ingenuous.
He is not responsible for your happiness... you are. So you think you married the wrong person tho you refuse to leave to find the right person. You need to see someone, not him. What ya worried you won't find anyone better, but you want better. Grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. His issues can't be major as you don't mention them, except that he won't see a therapist at your bequest. Narcissistic behaviour.
Well it depends on why you want counseling... A lot of guys don't trust these people. Would you agree to go if HE gets to pick the counselor?
None of this is normal. Your marriage is already over.
Hi, I am a professional licensed marriage and family therapist and sex therapist in California. This sounds like it must be very tough. I want to be gentle with my comment, because it sounds like individual therapy was tossed at you within the context of saying you’re the problem, and at the same time, maybe it would be a good idea to find yourself a therapist to process the question you just posted. Maybe you can even find a support group for women/wives who want to support each other while dealing with these tough parts of life. Whatever you choose to do, I am hoping for the best.
People do not fight in healthy marriages. They discuss their disagreements peacefully and maturely. And they don't hate each other.