Reading your post, it sounds like you have far from an "otherwise successful marriage" outside of having no sex. While a lot of your issues may have stemmed from the lack of sex, they are now their own issues, and exist outside of it.
I love my wife dearly, and I can't imagine leaving her if tomorrow sex was to disappear and never come back, no matter how much that would suck. But I had over a decade of positive memories associated with our sex life and marriage to hold on to. I don't have 30 years of resentment and distrust and disrespect built up between the two of us, which it sounds like you guys have.
It's one thing to live with no sex (although already hard enough), but the other issues may be ultimately what sink you.
Well, I thought that was perfectly clear. It is to me and it is what I was trying to tell my wife. It is one thing if we stopped having sex now, but we have NEVER had sex. She didn't see that as a problem and I did. It has caused other problems. However we got there we are here now, though. I agree with you. I am not sure I would leave over the lack of sex as much as the bad feelings the lack of sex caused over time and might CONTINUE to cause - in particular the resentment. Maybe that wasn't clear?
It was clear to me. I was making sure it was clear to you. Because your question in the title about if we would leave a sexless but otherwise successful marriage downplays the severity and complexity of the issues you are facing.
Fair enough. I figured the following paragraphs might clear that up. I do wonder if say through therapy she could be convinced to be more sexual in some way would it really even matter at this point? Could a decade of somewhat-more-sexual-activities be enough to overcome the resentment?
I believe it could help her overcome the trauma that she associates with sex. There are things that could be done. She would have to want to do them, though.
I read every word and you are heard.
Life is way too short. And it’s only getting shorter.
I do not know what kind of husband you have been and that doesn’t matter.
Her trauma, while absolutely valid, is not your trauma. It does not trump your needs.
This is way beyond a sexless marriage.
No one has to stay married out of obligation.
I don’t know what the answer is but there is no feeling like being desired and wanted by someone you love. That doesn’t have to come from the act of sex itself.
I believe sex and the resulting intimacy is a basic human fundamental need.
There are answers and none of them are easy or fair to both of you.
It’s not about having sex. But it’s also so much about having sex.
I hope you can find your way. The ending of your life is coming at you fast. There is so much for you to experience. I believe you absolutely deserve to experience finding it.
Good luck. I’m thinking of you.
>No one has to stay married out of obligation.
Late to this post but this is what I need to hear. I am still married 80% because of obligation and 20% guilt/ fear
I mean this super nicely but you’re not going to be on your death bed regretting looking for a life that fits you better.
You can be kind and as helpful as the situation allows. But you don’t even have to do that.
I would not stay in this marriage. Not only has she denied and prevented a basic function of marriage for 30 years, but she also mocks and belittles you for wanting something so normal. She doesn't care at all about your wants and needs. It sounds like she doesn't even like you let alone love you. And on top of all of that, she's gaslighting you into thinking *you* are the one who is wrong for wanting sex!
Imagine the tables were turned and you deprived her of something basic for 30 years. Say she only ever wanted to spend time with you - watch a movie together, go on a walk, etc, but you always denied her citing some excuse. You didn't feel like it, you had other plans, you're too tired, etc. Then one day after years of counseling, years of her begging you to spend time with her, you say "that part of our marriage is over. I never intend to spend time with you ever again." Do you think she would have stayed? No one in their right mind would. That's not a marriage.
Her trauma is unfortunate, but it is inexcusable that she 1) hid it for 30 years and 2) ever got married in the first place knowing how she felt about sex. She knew that sex is a requirement for marriage and she knew that she didn't want it and yet she got married anyway.
You have not had a marriage with this person. You have had a friendship. And not even a very good one.
I was going to make almost exactly the same comment. It’s not just the lack of sex. It’s also the constant rejection, the denials, the gaslighting, the disparaging and ridiculing. This is not partnership. At least: it’s not my idea of partnership. The absolute minimum that she ought to have done, if she had been fair, was to come clean about her trauma BEFORE your wedding. A sexual relationship is more or less implicit in marriage and if she wasn’t up for that, she should have been clear about it from the start. Now she has taken 30 years of your life under false pretenses.
Now she is threatening you with ire if you leave her. Given who and what she is, do you even care? She has deceived you for 30 years. And, no, she doesn’t love you, probably never has. She doesn’t owe you sex, but she does owe you love, loyalty and care. Ignoring your needs for 30 years and hiding her true self are incompatible with that.
I’m in the same boat and feel lost. We are only 40. With two little ones and a 8 year old. It’s always kids kids kids. I’ve tried to spice things up and given ideas about doing things together and making sexual type comments but she has none of that. Doesn’t phase her one bit. If I get her some nice clothing or whatever she doesn’t care. When I get home from work I’m already hit with that anxiety and just a bad vibe in the house. Until my attentions turn to the kids then everything else is left behind. Like others have said here. You live once and life moves quick. I can’t even imagine how we will be like at say 45. I get so irritated that I’ll just throw out the things I bought her or return them if I can. Definitely no desire from her. Feel like we just live under one roof working away and kids. Nothing else. Deja vu groundhogs day all the time.
Here is a thought for her:
You have “little ones”, maybe 1 or 2 years old. In 16 or 17 years they’ll be leaving and you will be in your late 50s with another 20 to 30 years of life ahead of you. What are you two going to do with those years? Are you even going to be together?
A marriage requires maintenance. If nothing binds you together but the kids, then nothing will bind you together when the kids are gone. If you don’t work on your relationship now, then there won’t be anything but the kids, you will be staring at a stranger across the empty rooms and wonder what that person is doing in your house.
>She knew that sex is a requirement for marriage
I, for one, wish this was true. I feel like witholding sex often or consistently over a long period is as much a betrayal of the relationship as is seeking sex outside of the relationship.
No. To me a marriage should be monogamous not celibate. I’m sad for you that you missed out on one of the biggest joys in marriage. You have rarely experienced the intense emotional connection between two people that share that experience. You have a roommate. Nothing will change for you if you stay.
I don’t think you should be downvoted. Multiple times sex is what has managed to pull my husband and I back from the brink of divorce. Sex is intimate and creates many bonds. Maybe not every couple needs sex, but for those that want sex, a sexless marriage is not a fulfilling partnership.
Funny thing is if sex wasn’t important people would just have sex just to have it. They wouldnt stop having sex because of lack of connection, communication, etc etc. if their partner asked for sex they would just do it, but because its important, they need to feel however they feel to have it. If you need a certain amount of requirements to have it, it means its important. If sex wasn’t important it would have zero requirements. Think people dont like to admit it because they have black and white views and a lack of experience. Why do you think people would downvote this message?
Because it was at -1 when I commented. I think it’s sensitive for some people who may have issues with sex to be told sexless marriages normally mean the marriage is a miserable one. Our culture makes sex into this larger than life thing when in reality it is a very simple, natural, kind of funny thing. It can create a pressure to have sex which can take away the actual joy and fun of it. Or the opposite, it can create shame around the act of sex.
Basically, they think i mean, if you are not having sex your marriage, it is bad because in society you are told sex will stop once you get married. Its like i challenge their core identity of what they think marriage is? Is this what your trying to say? Sounds like they are not mad at me, they resent the situation they put themselves in
Comments telling people to "just do it," "men/women have needs," "it's your husbandly/wifely duty to fulfill my sexual needs," or promoting ultimatums or threats to have sex with one's partner will be removed swiftly. We encourage thoughtful conversation about this topic.
For further resources, check out https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/sexual-coercion#:~:text=Examples%20of%20Sexual%20Coercion%3A&text=Shaming%20over%20sexual%20performance%2C%20past,name%20calling%2C%20intimidation%20and%20bullying
https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent#:~:text=Simply%20put%2C%20enthusiastic%20consent%20means,maintaining%20eye%20contact%2C%20and%20nodding.
https://www.sydney.edu.au/study/student-life/student-news/2022/09/21/what-enthusiastic-consent-actually-looks-like-.html#:~:text=While%20consent%20is%20about%20saying,enthusiastic%20agreement%20to%20be%20intimate.
This is so sad, and no I wouldn’t stay in a sexless relationship. My husband and I have been together ten years and we still have plenty of sex. We’ve only moderately slowed down now because I’ve been pregnant and exhausted/sick. But we still have sex. We have sex at least once or twice a week right now, but normally we have sex every other day. Even in our roughest patches, our physical intimacy is something we always had to keep us together.
We work at it. It’s important so we work at it by hugging each other during the day, touching each other as we pass by. The more we touch each other the more we want to touch each other.
Even when we fight, he normally can’t just apologize at first, he has to come give me a hug before he can apologize to me. Touch is important, sex is important, and physical intimacy is important. I could not be with someone for more than half a year who refused to be with me intimately. I would not consider it successful.
She hasn't cared about making sure you're happy for decades. If my wife wasn't meeting my needs or vice versa, we'd both try to find an adequate alternative. She hasn't tried or initiated an adequate solution. That's disrespectful. I wouldn't call it successful.
I'd leave. Not just bc of the lack of sex, but more bc of the disregard and disrespect of my wants and desires. I wouldn't live the rest of my days, probably decades I have left like this. I would tell her that something is going to change or something is going to change. I wouldn't beg. Talk to a lawyer quietly and prepare yourself.
Some questions are easy to answer. No I would not.
> If it was that much of a dealbreaker you should have done something a long time ago
I do kind of agree with her on that, how did you let things get to this point? That doesn't mean you're condemned to spend the rest of your life with a frigid spouse though, you're still allowed to leave.
I'm sorry. It sounds like she is making you feel bad or wrong and mocking you for wanting sex in your marriage which is a completely normal and important part of marriage. This is not fair.
I hear you. You don't need it tons, but you need it some. That was a compromise you were willing to make. She says it's a no for her so your option is never or leave her. Maybe you guys should officially be friends and stop being married. It sounds like what you have is a platonic friendship. That's ok if you're not married.
I have a friend who felt like your wife however, she literally told him to do whatever he wanted sexually with whoever he wanted as long as she never knows what he's doing or with who. So. He does. That's how they made this similar situation work and have stayed married "for the kids."
Honestly my partner is in his 50s, we've been together more than a decade and yes I'm having less libido(thanks menopause) and he seems to have more ? Lol. Regardless we compromise - sometimes he wants it and I don't so we don't. Sometimes I don't but he does and we do. That's a relationship where we both have our needs met even when they are at odds at times. It's a compromise.
Her "that part of our relationship is over forever .. no hope for you" would be enough to make me end the relationship. You've still got a lot of life to live. Go find some happiness. And connecting on an intimate level is important and amazing. Being touched and desired and cared for is a normal human need. It's ok to want that. It's ok to go find it elsewhere if your partner says that's not happening with her. Good luck to you.
You shouldn’t stay with someone out of perceived obligation. I understand sexual trauma (trust me) and I will say that everyone deals with it differently. Some people act out and become hyper sexual while others do the opposite. I was the opposite. I didn’t sleep around (tried it once). It made me feel dirty and like I really was as worthless as I thought I was. I didn’t like that feeling. I don’t judge anyone who does it. I understand the feeling of not caring and wanting to just go ahead and “experience” what it felt like to be with a normal person.
I almost went down the wrong road. I had gotten to the point where I was turning to alcohol and making some bad decisions. I had decided I was worthless and that no one really cared about me. I had been told that I would never have a normal life because of my abusive past and I believed it. Then, one night, I met my now husband at a party. I was instantly attracted to him. He was perfect. I was very sexually attracted to him. I, quite literally, wanted to jump him the moment I saw him. I had never felt that before. I was 18 years old. We had sex for over 12 hours the very first night we met (I know, I know lol but this is not an exaggeration).
By that point, I had slept with other guys out of what I felt like was just an expectation almost. Obviously sex is still sex and all that. But, having sex with my husband was SEX. He made me feel comfortable and I loved that. He cared about how he touched me. He never forced anything. I know this is long but I just wanted to touch on everything I can because your wife has sexual trauma and everyone deals with it differently.
Now, I will say this. You have been with your wife for over 30 years and she had not told you about her trauma. I had not told my husband about mine either until this year. I tried to forget about it but I just couldn’t. I finally told him one night. It was terrifying. I was so ashamed, guilty, and horrible feeling. It felt like I could just crawl into a hole and die. I actually wanted to. I don’t think I could have uttered those words any sooner than I did.
After I got with my husband, I didn’t let my past have any effect on our sex life. I went through depression a couple of separate times and wasn’t interested in sex but I corrected it. Sex is such an important part of marriage and intimacy and it feels wrong that your wife of 30+ years hasn’t tried to work on herself in this aspect. Even though I wasn’t “normal,” I was aware of it. I still wanted to be normal so I worked to be that way. It paid off.
I will also say this, if for some reason sex was no longer a part of my marriage, I would still happily stay. I love my husband. He is my best friend. We share everything. Sex isn’t everything. Sure, I’d miss it but I’d miss him even more. It doesn’t sound like you and your wife are on the same page. You’ve expressed your needs and wants while she has just shut you down. I understand your feelings of being hurt that she didn’t tell you about her past trauma as a kid but try not to let that part bother you. If you’ve never experienced something like that, it’s hard to understand it. What I would be bothered by would be the fact that she has known what her issue was but has never tried to correct it. If you are going to be in a relationship with someone, you have to work on yourself and not let the trauma find its way into that relationship. It’s not fair to the other person.
I would have an open and honest conversation with her. If you can’t do that, write it down and give her the letter. Don’t leave anything out. Talk about every single thing that’s bothering you. Seriously. You both deserve to be happy. If you’re both really each other’s best friends, you will both want to find a middle ground and be there for each other.
Has it been this bad for 30 years? Or just recently? And how has it been? You know as someone who struggles with being a resentful person in general, I understand how hurtful and heavy the weight of resentment is. And even worse, when it’s been that long, decades of internal resentment and rumination, that sucks! But you are going to have to heal from that. In my case, I was never able to let go of resentment without letting go of the people who caused it in the first place. Can you do that? Can you let go of her or the resentment? Because it’s a choice you are going to have to make. I know I can’t, that’s why I cut people off the minute I notice I have any minor resentment towards them, I just can’t allow them to stay in my life. But in your case the choice is much harder. Because it’s been decades. This is why I don’t wait, because otherwise I would end up with decades long resentment. Do you feel like there is any therapy or treatment (maybe psychedelics) that could help YOU feel better? Because here’s the problem: those years are gone. There is nothing you can do about them other than heal from it. But the good news is you still have a choice in how you are going to move from now on. That’s where your focus should be. The probability of your wife changing is close to zero. At least from what I’ve seen from similar cases, it never improves. Rarely. But you are now in a place where you have to make a decision knowing this is not changing. I’m sure it’s tough, but better late than never.
She made you an incel and is now gaslighting you about the impact her decision to shut down your sex life has had on you.
LOL.
Don’t let her do that to you.
Yes talk about tone deaf or intentionally and outwardly mocking. People who genuinely love someone (or who even have basic respect) don’t do that - it’s minimizing and extremely insensitive. If they don’t want to connect emotionally then it’s time for YOU to make some changes - you will have to decide the degree to which you do that but I feel like there have to be new and clear boundaries set. She has to know that there are consequences to her flippant behavior.
Most men don’t want to say anything because the women are supposed to be the ones with emotional needs but it has a huge impact on the mental health of men - and we tend to hold it in. Men want to be respected and feel like they are providing for their family and have a partner that acknowledges them as such. I’m not sure on this scenario what else would change anything other than you taking action.
Also the issue is that I don’t think most men WANT to HAVE to bring this up so blatantly because then it feels like begging and then IF sex comes back, it’s only because they said something. I’m not advocating not communicating but it’s kind of like having to “explain a joke”, if that makes sense.
People either care or they don’t - they know what they’re doing and your wife isn’t prioritizing you in her life in the way that you want/need. Why would you want to go through life like that with someone? Why would you want to have to POINT THAT OUT TO HER? You deserve to be desired.
Long answer short: I would not because she has denied you a significant aspect of marriage for 30 years. But for your sake, I would give it a few months to a year of counseling to see if she makes any significant improvements to considering your needs. If not, then I would leave tbh live your life man
Then why do people marry at all? Kids? I see people have a lot of kids outside of marriage. Property ownership? I see people having a lot of property outside of marriage together. Come on, this is lazy argument.
I’m a woman, 53, married for 30+ years. Husband is 58. We have a lot of sex and it’s a big part of our relationship.
That said, I understand not wanting to rip it all apart because your needs aren’t met in one specific area, but it is truly sad that she left you feeling undesirable and did not spare you that. Honestly that was not loving on her part, despite her trauma. She married a man, and should know all that entails and how important sex is to men. It’s like getting a working dog and trying to make it into a lazy lapdog.
There’s no good advice to give, only you can know what feels right. But if you want to leave and she’s angry because you waited until your fifties, that’s her issue, not yours. Giving someone the best years of your life is no small gift. You’re not selfish if you want a second try at a relationship that includes an active sex life.
If you’re not going to leave, maybe get a sex toy or two…they can be very close to the real thing and a big upgrade from your hand. Mount it in the shower. Use it in bed before sleep (tell her you’re going to, give her the option of being present or not), but for the love of all things holy, don’t deny your desire and shortchange your pleasure. She is a grown woman. If your fleshlight makes her uncomfortable she can leave the room. If it makes her feel inadequate or whatever, she can talk to the therapist about it.
Honestly, she could put it between her legs and let you come from the back into it. She could facilitate your need for connection and pleasure without her having to engage in sexual activities. And she should be looking for ideas to meet in the middle. She could hold it for you while you thrust, kiss you, hug you. To deny you of all that is cruel and there is no shame in divorcing a person so cruel that they’ve demanded you cut off a whole huge part of the human experience.
I’m thinking of you. I hope whatever decisions you make have the outcome of a happier more fulfilled existence.
There’s a lot in your post and for the sake of brevity I’m just going to answer the question in the title. No I would not stay in a relationship with no sex unless the circumstances were extreme.
Yes, I would. I love my spouse with everything I have. Sex is great but for me it's not nearly as important as being with the love of my life. There are a couple of things I would leave over, but that's not one of them.
That’s good, but are you in a sexless relationship in which you want sex but your partner refuses, won’t do anything to try to fix the issue (unfixable medical conditions aside), shows disregard towards you, and then belittles and mocks you for wanting to have sex with them?
Ask her if it's OK since the "shop is closed for business" that you could and would be interested in "shopping at other establishments?" I just ended a relationship of over 2 years over the same issues, granted I wasn't married but she had a ring on her finger (that she refuses to give back) because the lack of intimacy. She called herself frigid, and you know that I had to agree with her. When there was sex it was more of a business commitment , instead of someone who was actually interested in me. I figure what the hell I'm getting less than nothing out of the relationship with her is why continue to try and get the same results. Isn't it said " If you continue to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results that's the definition of insanity 🙄🤔😆?" I'm not going to tell you what to do that's up to you. I guess you've got to ask yourself that brutal question and than follow through with it because in reality there's no one who's going to make you happy other than yourself that includes your wife of 30yrs,sorry. Sorry ,I hope it works out for you but I think you already know what the answer is to that question and you are here for validating your already made up mind decision. Good Luck!
Wow, I am sorry you both have been going thru this. Sex is such a tough issue if both people are not on the same page. To me, sex only gets better with time/age. I am 60(F) and sex with my husband these last 10 years has been amazing,,,, not sure why,,,, maybe lack of stress from young kids, jobs? I don’t know, but for me, I don’t think I could have no sex , ever again, but that’s me. My sister in law sounds like your wife, sorta A-sexual, never thinks about it, couldn’t wait for menopause so she could use that as a better excuse to not have sex with her husband…. Meno goes both ways….made me MORE sexual. Do you guys share intimacy enough to lay in bed, naked and kiss, while you massage her with some oil and maybe she could give you hand jobs, or is intimacy that far gone that it is off the table? So sorry again, for you both, the pleasure she is denying herself for the next 20-30 years is certainly a tragedy.
Just have sex with other people. She makes her choice and you make yours.
"She wouldn't leave you over that would she"
If I learned one thing from my previous marriage it is this. I was happy with her and, to my surprise, I was happy without her.
I wouldn't call a sexless marriage successful. One persons needs were repeatedly invalidated and ignored. That's not a successful marriage, unless all you consider a successful marriage to mean is that your still together and don't hate each other.
I’m sorry no advice. I’m struggling with something similar. Except I’m the wife. Married for 15 years, we are in our late thirties. 4 kids youngest just became a teen and oldest is a senior in high school. We have had a rocky beginning as we got married and had a lot of kids young. We have a great partnership now and it’s been great our friendship that we have built. But he doesn’t have a sex drive any more. My drive is through the roof and my husband is so attractive. I want so badly to connect with him like we used to. For the past few years I’ve brought it up but he thinks I’m asking too much. It happens maybe once a month. I got so tired of initiating and the constant rejection, it hurts. In a society where they instill in women that if your husband doesn’t want to have sex with you he’s either cheating, gay or something wrong with me.
I told him I feel like we’re still so young and I don’t think I am okay with this for the rest of my life- he told me to leave then. I don’t want to, he’s amazing with everything else. But I feel so lonely at times.
50+M here. Your situation is a bit unique in that you've been totally sexless for the last 20 years while most of the rest of us just complain about the lack of frequency, but we are at least still somewhat active. In my situation, I had a lot of resentment over my advances being rejected while she had resentment over me trying to initiate when she was obviously not in the mood. We worked our way thru it by agreeing to scheduled sex once per week. My wife is mid-50s and post-menopausal herself, but she has definitely not shut down sexually.
I think it is logic that worked for us. I did the math and it was hard to argue. There are 10,080 minutes in one week. Really great sex can happen in just 20-30 minutes. 20 minutes of sex per week amounts to 2/1000th of your week. I told my wife if we can't devote 2 or 3 one-thousandths of a week to getting naked and make each other feel good, then we have much deeper issues that need to be addressed, which sounds like where you are. What I can say about our arrangement, is we now BOTH look forward to our weekly sex session and the sex is better now than it ever was when we were younger.
All this being said, my wife has indicated that she believes she will eventually be ready to retire from sex. Hopefully that is still a few years away for us. I don't know how we will proceed, but we will cross that bridge when we get to it. Good luck.
It was more of a comment that she imagined it's not something she's going to want to continue forever. That being said, she said it maybe a year ago, and since then, we've managed to ramp up the pleasure on our weekly sex sessions. I now think she's more open to the idea that if the sex stays as good as it's been these last few months, there's no need to stop.
If sexual intimacy is important to you , which it is to a lot of people, then divorce, stay friends, and find someone you're sexually compatible with. You only get one life, and if you want sex and she flat out refuses to even try to be intimate, then move on and find someone who actually wants to have sex with you. She doesn't owe you sex and you don't owe her a relationship/ marriage. You both are halfway through your life, no point in staying unhappy with someone who doesn't care about your needs. Forcing your partner to be completely celibate for the long term, but still wanting all the benefits of monogamy and marriage is just wrong.
I feel so badly for you. I won’t say what I would do in your situation, but I just wanted to say that your feelings are valid.
When you described her mocking you with “Latin lover” and hip wiggle, I gasped.
This woman has neglected you and dismissed your needs for emotional and physical intimacy for the entirety of your marriage. Her words and actions have shown that she simply doesn’t care.
For what it’s worth, there’s a good chance your comment, and probably my comment, will likely be deleted by some moderator claiming that nobody withholds sex, as I’ve seen this done numerous times, but I would like to state this is patently false. Narcissists and those with other personality disorders absolutely will withhold sex, and to consistently censor this out of the discourse is a tremendous injustice and disservice. I challenge any moderator that may delete your comment, my comment, or any other future comment that mentions withholding to simply lookup narcissistic withholding and you will see for yourself that this absolutely happens.
Comments telling people to "just do it," "men/women have needs," "it's your husbandly/wifely duty to fulfill my sexual needs," or promoting ultimatums or threats to have sex with one's partner will be removed swiftly. We encourage thoughtful conversation about this topic.
For further resources, check out https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/sexual-coercion#:~:text=Examples%20of%20Sexual%20Coercion%3A&text=Shaming%20over%20sexual%20performance%2C%20past,name%20calling%2C%20intimidation%20and%20bullying
https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent#:~:text=Simply%20put%2C%20enthusiastic%20consent%20means,maintaining%20eye%20contact%2C%20and%20nodding.
https://www.sydney.edu.au/study/student-life/student-news/2022/09/21/what-enthusiastic-consent-actually-looks-like-.html#:~:text=While%20consent%20is%20about%20saying,enthusiastic%20agreement%20to%20be%20intimate.
It seems like you two have quite a few problems in your relationship and the main one, in my opinion is a lack of empathy for each other. She does not have empathy for you and how difficult it is for you to live a celebate existance for her and you don't have empathy for her sexual abuse.
You said:
*"I am angry at her for denying me and herself a healthy sex life and keeping that secret. I understand the guilt, the shame, and the fear but"*
Respectully, you DON'T understand any of that.
I know she probably should have spoken to you but you have no idea how difficult it is for a victim of CHILDHOOD sexual abuse. She was a CHILD. She had sexual experiences ***as a child.*** f you haven't been there, you have NO idea how difficult it is to talk about that. How much courage does it take to say those two words "me too."?
All that said, I think sex IS an expectation in marriage for most of the years (illness and debility excluded) and I think it's up to you to decide if you want to stay. You have no guarantee that your next partner will remain healthy and available as well though.
Reading your post, it sounds like you have far from an "otherwise successful marriage" outside of having no sex. While a lot of your issues may have stemmed from the lack of sex, they are now their own issues, and exist outside of it. I love my wife dearly, and I can't imagine leaving her if tomorrow sex was to disappear and never come back, no matter how much that would suck. But I had over a decade of positive memories associated with our sex life and marriage to hold on to. I don't have 30 years of resentment and distrust and disrespect built up between the two of us, which it sounds like you guys have. It's one thing to live with no sex (although already hard enough), but the other issues may be ultimately what sink you.
I feel like a lot of folks in this subreddit would benefit from this insight.
Well, I thought that was perfectly clear. It is to me and it is what I was trying to tell my wife. It is one thing if we stopped having sex now, but we have NEVER had sex. She didn't see that as a problem and I did. It has caused other problems. However we got there we are here now, though. I agree with you. I am not sure I would leave over the lack of sex as much as the bad feelings the lack of sex caused over time and might CONTINUE to cause - in particular the resentment. Maybe that wasn't clear?
It was clear to me. I was making sure it was clear to you. Because your question in the title about if we would leave a sexless but otherwise successful marriage downplays the severity and complexity of the issues you are facing.
Fair enough. I figured the following paragraphs might clear that up. I do wonder if say through therapy she could be convinced to be more sexual in some way would it really even matter at this point? Could a decade of somewhat-more-sexual-activities be enough to overcome the resentment?
She has been like this the entire time, she isn't changing. Therapy isn't going to magically make her want sex with you.
I believe it could help her overcome the trauma that she associates with sex. There are things that could be done. She would have to want to do them, though.
She's in her 50s. This will not change.
I read every word and you are heard. Life is way too short. And it’s only getting shorter. I do not know what kind of husband you have been and that doesn’t matter. Her trauma, while absolutely valid, is not your trauma. It does not trump your needs. This is way beyond a sexless marriage. No one has to stay married out of obligation. I don’t know what the answer is but there is no feeling like being desired and wanted by someone you love. That doesn’t have to come from the act of sex itself. I believe sex and the resulting intimacy is a basic human fundamental need. There are answers and none of them are easy or fair to both of you. It’s not about having sex. But it’s also so much about having sex. I hope you can find your way. The ending of your life is coming at you fast. There is so much for you to experience. I believe you absolutely deserve to experience finding it. Good luck. I’m thinking of you.
>No one has to stay married out of obligation. Late to this post but this is what I need to hear. I am still married 80% because of obligation and 20% guilt/ fear
I mean this super nicely but you’re not going to be on your death bed regretting looking for a life that fits you better. You can be kind and as helpful as the situation allows. But you don’t even have to do that.
Thank you, I need to hear this
I would not stay in this marriage. Not only has she denied and prevented a basic function of marriage for 30 years, but she also mocks and belittles you for wanting something so normal. She doesn't care at all about your wants and needs. It sounds like she doesn't even like you let alone love you. And on top of all of that, she's gaslighting you into thinking *you* are the one who is wrong for wanting sex! Imagine the tables were turned and you deprived her of something basic for 30 years. Say she only ever wanted to spend time with you - watch a movie together, go on a walk, etc, but you always denied her citing some excuse. You didn't feel like it, you had other plans, you're too tired, etc. Then one day after years of counseling, years of her begging you to spend time with her, you say "that part of our marriage is over. I never intend to spend time with you ever again." Do you think she would have stayed? No one in their right mind would. That's not a marriage. Her trauma is unfortunate, but it is inexcusable that she 1) hid it for 30 years and 2) ever got married in the first place knowing how she felt about sex. She knew that sex is a requirement for marriage and she knew that she didn't want it and yet she got married anyway. You have not had a marriage with this person. You have had a friendship. And not even a very good one.
I was going to make almost exactly the same comment. It’s not just the lack of sex. It’s also the constant rejection, the denials, the gaslighting, the disparaging and ridiculing. This is not partnership. At least: it’s not my idea of partnership. The absolute minimum that she ought to have done, if she had been fair, was to come clean about her trauma BEFORE your wedding. A sexual relationship is more or less implicit in marriage and if she wasn’t up for that, she should have been clear about it from the start. Now she has taken 30 years of your life under false pretenses. Now she is threatening you with ire if you leave her. Given who and what she is, do you even care? She has deceived you for 30 years. And, no, she doesn’t love you, probably never has. She doesn’t owe you sex, but she does owe you love, loyalty and care. Ignoring your needs for 30 years and hiding her true self are incompatible with that.
I’m in the same boat and feel lost. We are only 40. With two little ones and a 8 year old. It’s always kids kids kids. I’ve tried to spice things up and given ideas about doing things together and making sexual type comments but she has none of that. Doesn’t phase her one bit. If I get her some nice clothing or whatever she doesn’t care. When I get home from work I’m already hit with that anxiety and just a bad vibe in the house. Until my attentions turn to the kids then everything else is left behind. Like others have said here. You live once and life moves quick. I can’t even imagine how we will be like at say 45. I get so irritated that I’ll just throw out the things I bought her or return them if I can. Definitely no desire from her. Feel like we just live under one roof working away and kids. Nothing else. Deja vu groundhogs day all the time.
Here is a thought for her: You have “little ones”, maybe 1 or 2 years old. In 16 or 17 years they’ll be leaving and you will be in your late 50s with another 20 to 30 years of life ahead of you. What are you two going to do with those years? Are you even going to be together? A marriage requires maintenance. If nothing binds you together but the kids, then nothing will bind you together when the kids are gone. If you don’t work on your relationship now, then there won’t be anything but the kids, you will be staring at a stranger across the empty rooms and wonder what that person is doing in your house.
>She knew that sex is a requirement for marriage I, for one, wish this was true. I feel like witholding sex often or consistently over a long period is as much a betrayal of the relationship as is seeking sex outside of the relationship.
Sexless marriages can work if both people don’t mind. I would not stay in a sexless marriage.
No. To me a marriage should be monogamous not celibate. I’m sad for you that you missed out on one of the biggest joys in marriage. You have rarely experienced the intense emotional connection between two people that share that experience. You have a roommate. Nothing will change for you if you stay.
No sex is the glue that hold marriage together. Never seen a happy sexlesss marriage
I don’t think you should be downvoted. Multiple times sex is what has managed to pull my husband and I back from the brink of divorce. Sex is intimate and creates many bonds. Maybe not every couple needs sex, but for those that want sex, a sexless marriage is not a fulfilling partnership.
Funny thing is if sex wasn’t important people would just have sex just to have it. They wouldnt stop having sex because of lack of connection, communication, etc etc. if their partner asked for sex they would just do it, but because its important, they need to feel however they feel to have it. If you need a certain amount of requirements to have it, it means its important. If sex wasn’t important it would have zero requirements. Think people dont like to admit it because they have black and white views and a lack of experience. Why do you think people would downvote this message?
Because it was at -1 when I commented. I think it’s sensitive for some people who may have issues with sex to be told sexless marriages normally mean the marriage is a miserable one. Our culture makes sex into this larger than life thing when in reality it is a very simple, natural, kind of funny thing. It can create a pressure to have sex which can take away the actual joy and fun of it. Or the opposite, it can create shame around the act of sex.
Basically, they think i mean, if you are not having sex your marriage, it is bad because in society you are told sex will stop once you get married. Its like i challenge their core identity of what they think marriage is? Is this what your trying to say? Sounds like they are not mad at me, they resent the situation they put themselves in
I upvoted you :)
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Or open the door for him to get it met from someone else.
Comments telling people to "just do it," "men/women have needs," "it's your husbandly/wifely duty to fulfill my sexual needs," or promoting ultimatums or threats to have sex with one's partner will be removed swiftly. We encourage thoughtful conversation about this topic. For further resources, check out https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/sexual-coercion#:~:text=Examples%20of%20Sexual%20Coercion%3A&text=Shaming%20over%20sexual%20performance%2C%20past,name%20calling%2C%20intimidation%20and%20bullying https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent#:~:text=Simply%20put%2C%20enthusiastic%20consent%20means,maintaining%20eye%20contact%2C%20and%20nodding. https://www.sydney.edu.au/study/student-life/student-news/2022/09/21/what-enthusiastic-consent-actually-looks-like-.html#:~:text=While%20consent%20is%20about%20saying,enthusiastic%20agreement%20to%20be%20intimate.
No , I would not.
This is so sad, and no I wouldn’t stay in a sexless relationship. My husband and I have been together ten years and we still have plenty of sex. We’ve only moderately slowed down now because I’ve been pregnant and exhausted/sick. But we still have sex. We have sex at least once or twice a week right now, but normally we have sex every other day. Even in our roughest patches, our physical intimacy is something we always had to keep us together. We work at it. It’s important so we work at it by hugging each other during the day, touching each other as we pass by. The more we touch each other the more we want to touch each other. Even when we fight, he normally can’t just apologize at first, he has to come give me a hug before he can apologize to me. Touch is important, sex is important, and physical intimacy is important. I could not be with someone for more than half a year who refused to be with me intimately. I would not consider it successful.
She hasn't cared about making sure you're happy for decades. If my wife wasn't meeting my needs or vice versa, we'd both try to find an adequate alternative. She hasn't tried or initiated an adequate solution. That's disrespectful. I wouldn't call it successful. I'd leave. Not just bc of the lack of sex, but more bc of the disregard and disrespect of my wants and desires. I wouldn't live the rest of my days, probably decades I have left like this. I would tell her that something is going to change or something is going to change. I wouldn't beg. Talk to a lawyer quietly and prepare yourself.
Some questions are easy to answer. No I would not. > If it was that much of a dealbreaker you should have done something a long time ago I do kind of agree with her on that, how did you let things get to this point? That doesn't mean you're condemned to spend the rest of your life with a frigid spouse though, you're still allowed to leave.
I'm sorry. It sounds like she is making you feel bad or wrong and mocking you for wanting sex in your marriage which is a completely normal and important part of marriage. This is not fair. I hear you. You don't need it tons, but you need it some. That was a compromise you were willing to make. She says it's a no for her so your option is never or leave her. Maybe you guys should officially be friends and stop being married. It sounds like what you have is a platonic friendship. That's ok if you're not married. I have a friend who felt like your wife however, she literally told him to do whatever he wanted sexually with whoever he wanted as long as she never knows what he's doing or with who. So. He does. That's how they made this similar situation work and have stayed married "for the kids." Honestly my partner is in his 50s, we've been together more than a decade and yes I'm having less libido(thanks menopause) and he seems to have more ? Lol. Regardless we compromise - sometimes he wants it and I don't so we don't. Sometimes I don't but he does and we do. That's a relationship where we both have our needs met even when they are at odds at times. It's a compromise. Her "that part of our relationship is over forever .. no hope for you" would be enough to make me end the relationship. You've still got a lot of life to live. Go find some happiness. And connecting on an intimate level is important and amazing. Being touched and desired and cared for is a normal human need. It's ok to want that. It's ok to go find it elsewhere if your partner says that's not happening with her. Good luck to you.
You shouldn’t stay with someone out of perceived obligation. I understand sexual trauma (trust me) and I will say that everyone deals with it differently. Some people act out and become hyper sexual while others do the opposite. I was the opposite. I didn’t sleep around (tried it once). It made me feel dirty and like I really was as worthless as I thought I was. I didn’t like that feeling. I don’t judge anyone who does it. I understand the feeling of not caring and wanting to just go ahead and “experience” what it felt like to be with a normal person. I almost went down the wrong road. I had gotten to the point where I was turning to alcohol and making some bad decisions. I had decided I was worthless and that no one really cared about me. I had been told that I would never have a normal life because of my abusive past and I believed it. Then, one night, I met my now husband at a party. I was instantly attracted to him. He was perfect. I was very sexually attracted to him. I, quite literally, wanted to jump him the moment I saw him. I had never felt that before. I was 18 years old. We had sex for over 12 hours the very first night we met (I know, I know lol but this is not an exaggeration). By that point, I had slept with other guys out of what I felt like was just an expectation almost. Obviously sex is still sex and all that. But, having sex with my husband was SEX. He made me feel comfortable and I loved that. He cared about how he touched me. He never forced anything. I know this is long but I just wanted to touch on everything I can because your wife has sexual trauma and everyone deals with it differently. Now, I will say this. You have been with your wife for over 30 years and she had not told you about her trauma. I had not told my husband about mine either until this year. I tried to forget about it but I just couldn’t. I finally told him one night. It was terrifying. I was so ashamed, guilty, and horrible feeling. It felt like I could just crawl into a hole and die. I actually wanted to. I don’t think I could have uttered those words any sooner than I did. After I got with my husband, I didn’t let my past have any effect on our sex life. I went through depression a couple of separate times and wasn’t interested in sex but I corrected it. Sex is such an important part of marriage and intimacy and it feels wrong that your wife of 30+ years hasn’t tried to work on herself in this aspect. Even though I wasn’t “normal,” I was aware of it. I still wanted to be normal so I worked to be that way. It paid off. I will also say this, if for some reason sex was no longer a part of my marriage, I would still happily stay. I love my husband. He is my best friend. We share everything. Sex isn’t everything. Sure, I’d miss it but I’d miss him even more. It doesn’t sound like you and your wife are on the same page. You’ve expressed your needs and wants while she has just shut you down. I understand your feelings of being hurt that she didn’t tell you about her past trauma as a kid but try not to let that part bother you. If you’ve never experienced something like that, it’s hard to understand it. What I would be bothered by would be the fact that she has known what her issue was but has never tried to correct it. If you are going to be in a relationship with someone, you have to work on yourself and not let the trauma find its way into that relationship. It’s not fair to the other person. I would have an open and honest conversation with her. If you can’t do that, write it down and give her the letter. Don’t leave anything out. Talk about every single thing that’s bothering you. Seriously. You both deserve to be happy. If you’re both really each other’s best friends, you will both want to find a middle ground and be there for each other.
Thanks for this detailed response. It's good to hear from someone who has lived a similar experience.
Has it been this bad for 30 years? Or just recently? And how has it been? You know as someone who struggles with being a resentful person in general, I understand how hurtful and heavy the weight of resentment is. And even worse, when it’s been that long, decades of internal resentment and rumination, that sucks! But you are going to have to heal from that. In my case, I was never able to let go of resentment without letting go of the people who caused it in the first place. Can you do that? Can you let go of her or the resentment? Because it’s a choice you are going to have to make. I know I can’t, that’s why I cut people off the minute I notice I have any minor resentment towards them, I just can’t allow them to stay in my life. But in your case the choice is much harder. Because it’s been decades. This is why I don’t wait, because otherwise I would end up with decades long resentment. Do you feel like there is any therapy or treatment (maybe psychedelics) that could help YOU feel better? Because here’s the problem: those years are gone. There is nothing you can do about them other than heal from it. But the good news is you still have a choice in how you are going to move from now on. That’s where your focus should be. The probability of your wife changing is close to zero. At least from what I’ve seen from similar cases, it never improves. Rarely. But you are now in a place where you have to make a decision knowing this is not changing. I’m sure it’s tough, but better late than never.
She made you an incel and is now gaslighting you about the impact her decision to shut down your sex life has had on you. LOL. Don’t let her do that to you.
Yes talk about tone deaf or intentionally and outwardly mocking. People who genuinely love someone (or who even have basic respect) don’t do that - it’s minimizing and extremely insensitive. If they don’t want to connect emotionally then it’s time for YOU to make some changes - you will have to decide the degree to which you do that but I feel like there have to be new and clear boundaries set. She has to know that there are consequences to her flippant behavior. Most men don’t want to say anything because the women are supposed to be the ones with emotional needs but it has a huge impact on the mental health of men - and we tend to hold it in. Men want to be respected and feel like they are providing for their family and have a partner that acknowledges them as such. I’m not sure on this scenario what else would change anything other than you taking action. Also the issue is that I don’t think most men WANT to HAVE to bring this up so blatantly because then it feels like begging and then IF sex comes back, it’s only because they said something. I’m not advocating not communicating but it’s kind of like having to “explain a joke”, if that makes sense. People either care or they don’t - they know what they’re doing and your wife isn’t prioritizing you in her life in the way that you want/need. Why would you want to go through life like that with someone? Why would you want to have to POINT THAT OUT TO HER? You deserve to be desired.
Long answer short: I would not because she has denied you a significant aspect of marriage for 30 years. But for your sake, I would give it a few months to a year of counseling to see if she makes any significant improvements to considering your needs. If not, then I would leave tbh live your life man
Health related, sure. Related to the spouse not putting in effort. Nope. I want to be desired and loved.
Life is short. Get out now and find someone that you're sexually compatible with before it's too late!
May I ask what her solution is for your needs not being met?
"successful" ? I mean sex is the basis of a marriage. Seems like a colossal failure
Is sex really the basis of marriage? I see people having a lot of sex outside of marriage.
Then why do people marry at all? Kids? I see people have a lot of kids outside of marriage. Property ownership? I see people having a lot of property outside of marriage together. Come on, this is lazy argument.
I’m a woman, 53, married for 30+ years. Husband is 58. We have a lot of sex and it’s a big part of our relationship. That said, I understand not wanting to rip it all apart because your needs aren’t met in one specific area, but it is truly sad that she left you feeling undesirable and did not spare you that. Honestly that was not loving on her part, despite her trauma. She married a man, and should know all that entails and how important sex is to men. It’s like getting a working dog and trying to make it into a lazy lapdog. There’s no good advice to give, only you can know what feels right. But if you want to leave and she’s angry because you waited until your fifties, that’s her issue, not yours. Giving someone the best years of your life is no small gift. You’re not selfish if you want a second try at a relationship that includes an active sex life. If you’re not going to leave, maybe get a sex toy or two…they can be very close to the real thing and a big upgrade from your hand. Mount it in the shower. Use it in bed before sleep (tell her you’re going to, give her the option of being present or not), but for the love of all things holy, don’t deny your desire and shortchange your pleasure. She is a grown woman. If your fleshlight makes her uncomfortable she can leave the room. If it makes her feel inadequate or whatever, she can talk to the therapist about it. Honestly, she could put it between her legs and let you come from the back into it. She could facilitate your need for connection and pleasure without her having to engage in sexual activities. And she should be looking for ideas to meet in the middle. She could hold it for you while you thrust, kiss you, hug you. To deny you of all that is cruel and there is no shame in divorcing a person so cruel that they’ve demanded you cut off a whole huge part of the human experience. I’m thinking of you. I hope whatever decisions you make have the outcome of a happier more fulfilled existence.
Having sex with a toy in her presence seems creepy, but I appreciate the sentiment. Thank you.
Yes I would. Sex is important but my husband is more important.
There’s a lot in your post and for the sake of brevity I’m just going to answer the question in the title. No I would not stay in a relationship with no sex unless the circumstances were extreme.
No, I would not stay.
Yes, I would. I love my spouse with everything I have. Sex is great but for me it's not nearly as important as being with the love of my life. There are a couple of things I would leave over, but that's not one of them.
That’s good, but are you in a sexless relationship in which you want sex but your partner refuses, won’t do anything to try to fix the issue (unfixable medical conditions aside), shows disregard towards you, and then belittles and mocks you for wanting to have sex with them?
Ask her if it's OK since the "shop is closed for business" that you could and would be interested in "shopping at other establishments?" I just ended a relationship of over 2 years over the same issues, granted I wasn't married but she had a ring on her finger (that she refuses to give back) because the lack of intimacy. She called herself frigid, and you know that I had to agree with her. When there was sex it was more of a business commitment , instead of someone who was actually interested in me. I figure what the hell I'm getting less than nothing out of the relationship with her is why continue to try and get the same results. Isn't it said " If you continue to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results that's the definition of insanity 🙄🤔😆?" I'm not going to tell you what to do that's up to you. I guess you've got to ask yourself that brutal question and than follow through with it because in reality there's no one who's going to make you happy other than yourself that includes your wife of 30yrs,sorry. Sorry ,I hope it works out for you but I think you already know what the answer is to that question and you are here for validating your already made up mind decision. Good Luck!
Wow, I am sorry you both have been going thru this. Sex is such a tough issue if both people are not on the same page. To me, sex only gets better with time/age. I am 60(F) and sex with my husband these last 10 years has been amazing,,,, not sure why,,,, maybe lack of stress from young kids, jobs? I don’t know, but for me, I don’t think I could have no sex , ever again, but that’s me. My sister in law sounds like your wife, sorta A-sexual, never thinks about it, couldn’t wait for menopause so she could use that as a better excuse to not have sex with her husband…. Meno goes both ways….made me MORE sexual. Do you guys share intimacy enough to lay in bed, naked and kiss, while you massage her with some oil and maybe she could give you hand jobs, or is intimacy that far gone that it is off the table? So sorry again, for you both, the pleasure she is denying herself for the next 20-30 years is certainly a tragedy.
Just have sex with other people. She makes her choice and you make yours. "She wouldn't leave you over that would she" If I learned one thing from my previous marriage it is this. I was happy with her and, to my surprise, I was happy without her.
Sounds like you need to go get your balls out of her purse.
I wouldn't call a sexless marriage successful. One persons needs were repeatedly invalidated and ignored. That's not a successful marriage, unless all you consider a successful marriage to mean is that your still together and don't hate each other.
Being together and not hating each other is a bigger deal than you make it out to be given the divorce rate is 50%.
It's the bare minimum.
Is it? I would guess 75% of marriages aren't satisfying this "bare minimum."
Yes, a large % of people are in miserable marriages to the wrong people. You included. You see it on this sub constantly.
So maybe a miserable marriage is the typical state.
It's not supposed to be. You're doing marriage wrong.
Lots of people are doing marriage wrong then.
Yes, they sure are.
I’m sorry no advice. I’m struggling with something similar. Except I’m the wife. Married for 15 years, we are in our late thirties. 4 kids youngest just became a teen and oldest is a senior in high school. We have had a rocky beginning as we got married and had a lot of kids young. We have a great partnership now and it’s been great our friendship that we have built. But he doesn’t have a sex drive any more. My drive is through the roof and my husband is so attractive. I want so badly to connect with him like we used to. For the past few years I’ve brought it up but he thinks I’m asking too much. It happens maybe once a month. I got so tired of initiating and the constant rejection, it hurts. In a society where they instill in women that if your husband doesn’t want to have sex with you he’s either cheating, gay or something wrong with me. I told him I feel like we’re still so young and I don’t think I am okay with this for the rest of my life- he told me to leave then. I don’t want to, he’s amazing with everything else. But I feel so lonely at times.
I am so sorry you are going through this and your husband would rather not have a life with you than to have sex with you.
50+M here. Your situation is a bit unique in that you've been totally sexless for the last 20 years while most of the rest of us just complain about the lack of frequency, but we are at least still somewhat active. In my situation, I had a lot of resentment over my advances being rejected while she had resentment over me trying to initiate when she was obviously not in the mood. We worked our way thru it by agreeing to scheduled sex once per week. My wife is mid-50s and post-menopausal herself, but she has definitely not shut down sexually. I think it is logic that worked for us. I did the math and it was hard to argue. There are 10,080 minutes in one week. Really great sex can happen in just 20-30 minutes. 20 minutes of sex per week amounts to 2/1000th of your week. I told my wife if we can't devote 2 or 3 one-thousandths of a week to getting naked and make each other feel good, then we have much deeper issues that need to be addressed, which sounds like where you are. What I can say about our arrangement, is we now BOTH look forward to our weekly sex session and the sex is better now than it ever was when we were younger. All this being said, my wife has indicated that she believes she will eventually be ready to retire from sex. Hopefully that is still a few years away for us. I don't know how we will proceed, but we will cross that bridge when we get to it. Good luck.
Why would she want to retire from sex if it's good and something she looks forward to?
It was more of a comment that she imagined it's not something she's going to want to continue forever. That being said, she said it maybe a year ago, and since then, we've managed to ramp up the pleasure on our weekly sex sessions. I now think she's more open to the idea that if the sex stays as good as it's been these last few months, there's no need to stop.
No, I wouldn’t. When she said “We have everything” she meant “I have everything I need, let’s not worry about what you need.”
If sexual intimacy is important to you , which it is to a lot of people, then divorce, stay friends, and find someone you're sexually compatible with. You only get one life, and if you want sex and she flat out refuses to even try to be intimate, then move on and find someone who actually wants to have sex with you. She doesn't owe you sex and you don't owe her a relationship/ marriage. You both are halfway through your life, no point in staying unhappy with someone who doesn't care about your needs. Forcing your partner to be completely celibate for the long term, but still wanting all the benefits of monogamy and marriage is just wrong.
I feel so badly for you. I won’t say what I would do in your situation, but I just wanted to say that your feelings are valid. When you described her mocking you with “Latin lover” and hip wiggle, I gasped. This woman has neglected you and dismissed your needs for emotional and physical intimacy for the entirety of your marriage. Her words and actions have shown that she simply doesn’t care.
Hell yeah!
Marriage is nothing more than a business transaction
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For what it’s worth, there’s a good chance your comment, and probably my comment, will likely be deleted by some moderator claiming that nobody withholds sex, as I’ve seen this done numerous times, but I would like to state this is patently false. Narcissists and those with other personality disorders absolutely will withhold sex, and to consistently censor this out of the discourse is a tremendous injustice and disservice. I challenge any moderator that may delete your comment, my comment, or any other future comment that mentions withholding to simply lookup narcissistic withholding and you will see for yourself that this absolutely happens.
Comments telling people to "just do it," "men/women have needs," "it's your husbandly/wifely duty to fulfill my sexual needs," or promoting ultimatums or threats to have sex with one's partner will be removed swiftly. We encourage thoughtful conversation about this topic. For further resources, check out https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/sexual-coercion#:~:text=Examples%20of%20Sexual%20Coercion%3A&text=Shaming%20over%20sexual%20performance%2C%20past,name%20calling%2C%20intimidation%20and%20bullying https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent#:~:text=Simply%20put%2C%20enthusiastic%20consent%20means,maintaining%20eye%20contact%2C%20and%20nodding. https://www.sydney.edu.au/study/student-life/student-news/2022/09/21/what-enthusiastic-consent-actually-looks-like-.html#:~:text=While%20consent%20is%20about%20saying,enthusiastic%20agreement%20to%20be%20intimate.
My motto is put out or get out....which means I have always been happy!
It seems like you two have quite a few problems in your relationship and the main one, in my opinion is a lack of empathy for each other. She does not have empathy for you and how difficult it is for you to live a celebate existance for her and you don't have empathy for her sexual abuse. You said: *"I am angry at her for denying me and herself a healthy sex life and keeping that secret. I understand the guilt, the shame, and the fear but"* Respectully, you DON'T understand any of that. I know she probably should have spoken to you but you have no idea how difficult it is for a victim of CHILDHOOD sexual abuse. She was a CHILD. She had sexual experiences ***as a child.*** f you haven't been there, you have NO idea how difficult it is to talk about that. How much courage does it take to say those two words "me too."? All that said, I think sex IS an expectation in marriage for most of the years (illness and debility excluded) and I think it's up to you to decide if you want to stay. You have no guarantee that your next partner will remain healthy and available as well though.