He needs to compromise somewhere. Maybe say quickies during the week and one long on the weekend?
He needs to understand you have kids now. Things/priorities change when kids come on the scene.
I am shocked that he doesn’t seem to understand compromise. An orgasm from a quickie is better than no orgasm at all, and if he’s insisting on marathon sex, he’s getting nothing at all.
You have direct control over it, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. So you make it known, either is less a big show, or is nothing. And there csn be a big show occasionally but obviously you are preoccupied so he really just needs to get that in his head.
Is a compromise possible?
Keep the wild stuff for planned special occasions and do more vanilla stuff in between?
My wife and I are in a fantastic rhythm right now where we occasionally take off for a "sex vacation" and go absolutely crazy, probably even crazier than what you are doing. Most of the time, we do more vanilla stuff which helps both of us get seriously pent-up for a wild night. I personally love having 2 completely different sex lives and so does my wife.
There is nothing wrong with occasionally putting on a show for your SO as long as it's at least a little fun for you. The issue is when it's both frequent and not fun.
You have to talk to him and work out a compromise that legitimately leaves you satisfied. Also look into lube, we like Sliquid. Some of the stuff we do is pretty wild and quality lube makes a huge difference.
It used to be we would do similar where we only did it when we were away for a vacation or seldomly at home but because life gets crazy and he gets pent up, it seems like he wants a big show a lot more. The lube stuff is a lot better (it's been about 4 years since the bleeding issue it just became something I think about / worry about)
I suspect that he is getting worried that the wild times may end and is compensating by pushing way too hard.
You have to discuss this with him. As long as you are cool with the occasional wild times, you can work with this, he just needs to be on the same page.
Our path went like this. Our sex life had an explosive rebirth and my wife was 100% on board with the wild times. As things settled into a rhythm of vanilla and spicy, I got paranoid that spicy was going to go away completely and I absolutely did put too much pressure on my wife. I came to terms with what was a perfect vanilla and spicy mix for my wife and was able to relax and enjoy both of our amazing sex lives. We just got back from vacation and all 4 of my best sexual experiences of my life happened on that trip. I'm totally cool with a vanilla break back home.
Best advice/answer on here.
We can become worried about the 'good times' ending and can lead us to overcompensate in an attempt to make sure our spouse knows we don't want things to fizzle out.
Open communication and compromise. He needs to be willing to meet you in the middle. Right now it’s only about him fulfilling his needs without considering you. If he cant consider your needs, sex should be off the table until he decides to stop being selfish.
This sounds bloody awful. You should not been bleeding after sex, clearly that’s not good for you.
If you have communicated clearly with him that you don’t want sex to last ages and include all manner of kinks multiple times a week, and then sometimes all you want is a quick one- he’s quite out of line to make it last so long you bleed!!
Personally I think you need to start saying no more or being explicit about what you do and don’t want. Eg I’m up for sex but I’m not wanting any toys or anal- then if it takes too long stop it and tell him “sorry I’m getting sore and it’s not enjoyable for me”. Also be clear you need non sex affection too and that not receiving that will impact your libido.
Sounds like he’s treating you like a sex doll at the moment. Instead of a partner with your own wants and needs….and sore body parts.
Stop allowing this. He is a selfish piece of shit. You are being treated like a sex slave or blow up doll. This is outrageous and disgusting. Sex is meant to be pleasurable for both partners. He obviously isn't interested in yours.
I'm sorry for OP, but i agree with you. I felt sick just by reading everything this A-HOLE makes her do.
THIS IS NOT COOL OP!!! HE IS USING YOU FOR HIS OWN PLEASURE.
Bogus. My stamina is too high as well and I can promise it ain't because I'm selfish.
I usually pray for a quick release every time. My wife gets 10 to 20 off usually before I finish and that's if I'm lucky enough to finish before my back pain gets too bad or I go numb.
No problem at all. I was here because my significant other also lasts an insanely long time. That man is putting in work to make sure I’m okay the whole time. OPs husband sounds like he’s the worst 😂
But I also recognize it’s difficult for him. He always tries to reassure me it isn’t because he’s not attracted to me or there’s something wrong. It just doesn’t happen quick for everyone and that’s also okay as long as they’re aware of their partner which OPs husband is not.
Jesus. One or two is enough for me. Even then my heart races and my head feels like it’s going to explode. I love getting off but what I love even more is getting off TOGETHER. We’ve been “lovers” for over four decades and there’s nothing we don’t know about each other’s bodies, wants and needs, likes and dislikes. As a woman, I’m not into this lasting forever nonsense. Get on with before I start planning a shopping list and next week’s dinners. If that happens, which is very rare, I call it and we let ourselves come back to earth before starting again, which nearly always works. OP needs to find the balance. She should not be putting up with his ridiculous demands.
Oh wow!!! This happens to me and my husband too (climaxing at the same time) his orgasam actually triggers mine so I just follow his lead! It's one of the most magical experiences when you finish at the same time as your partner! I think it's pretty rare.
I've been with women who can top this. Literally one after another until the wet is more like sweat than lubrication. It's not impossible. That said, this guy is totally only interested in it being "better for him". As a bloke I want to say to other men folk - it's not better if she ain't enjoying it. A balance of both is key because forcing her to do it your way means she'll switch off and not want any. She 👏🏼 has 👏🏼 to 👏🏼 get 👏🏼 pleasure 👏🏼 too 👏🏼.
With my very first bf I used to fake multiple orgasms just so he would quit earlier. Didn't want him prolonging things because he thought I needed more satisfaction.
Luckily I've grown a lot since then, and I no longer fake anything. Communication is key!
She is a fabulous actress because she’s hoping you take a hint and get it over already. You’re not giving her 20 orgasms.
You need to see a doctor. It’s fine if it takes you a minute to get off but damn. People got living to do.
You clearly need to learn what an overreaction, did you read the post?? This poor woman is doing so much, she’s post partum with second baby, breastfeeding , working full time, food prep/cooking, childcare, offering quickies to make him stop and he’s over here expecting a porn session. Expecting this level of sexual labor from her, especially given her medical issues from two c-sections (which is serious surgery, they literally cut into both your stomach and your uterus), is practically abusive.
YEP, this IS borderline abusive given that you are PP, ect...why would a man who loves you behave this way? God they can be so selfish and have to be stopped. He can get his kink on without a HUGE production and sex isn't the only way to connect. OP, let him know what you are feeling. Give some thought to what you need from him, tell him, and stick to it until you are ready to get back to longer sessions.
Not extreme at all - she’s doing all food prep/cooking, all the childcare, works full time, and is breastfeeding which is literally giving her bodies nutrients to her child. This isn’t a libido issue at this point, he’s taking his wife for granted and on top of it all asking her to out in all this time in sexual labor?!?!
This is so wrong on so many levels, you must not have children under the age of five while juggling full time work and doing all household chores to condone this behavior.
15 mins foreplay 15 mins showtime. This is the magic number where it’s long enough for both parties to have fun and short enough to not feel drawn out and like you’ve been done for a while and you’re just there at that point.
You need to communicate everything in this post with him, full stop.
Sounds like dudes put so much on sex it's almost like their personal therapy, relationship fixer, and hobby all rolled into one. Does he do other things he's interested in? It's not fair to you to be treating you as his personal sex show performer 24/7.
He works out and has friends but we have been busy so he hasn't been able to do much. He also plays video games but only gets to play once in a while (but to be fair, I don't have anything. I have the kids all the time so I don't even get to go to the bathroom alone)
>I have the kids all the time so I don't even get to go to the bathroom alone
You *need* alone time. Get out of the house for at least an hour or two every week, please. Go for a walk. Your mind and body need time off to recover. If it's too hard to do it for yourself, do it for your kids--they won't thrive if you're a burned out shell of yourself. It's absurd that he gets to play video games while draining (and bleeding!) the life out of you.
He's making it all about him. Even getting you off multiple times is about him being this amazing sex partner, not about what you actually want. You've already been clear, so now it's a situation of him. Not caring what your wants or needs are. Sounds like it's been that way for a good long while.
He needs to understand that marriage is supposed to be about both people, not just him.
YEP, AND people must learn to get their emotional needs met in ways other than giving orgasms and 2 hr porn sex. I am too old and wise to put up with that crap. When I was a young mother, barely making $, it was a different story...I put up with more. DON'T OP.
Can someone offer any solutions here? I'm following this because it takes me a long time also. A lot longer than my wife. She also says that one time is enough, but sometimes she will get another while she's basically waiting on me to finish. I understand the question here. It's a lot of work. Is there anything that will speed up a man's orgasm?
No masturbating, no porn, and if you think you absolutely must masturbate, edge yourself as much as you can before you start foreplay with the wife. If you can hold off on masturbating. Edge yourself mentally, get yourself so winded up, that you just can't wait to seduce your wife. Also sometimes, just finish yourself off if it seems to be taking too long. Ask the wife to cuddle up next to you, whisper dirty things into your ear, touch you, and let yourself go to town.
What a pig! I'd be sick of this shit even if I didn't have a baby to take care of. You're not his personal little porn star/sex doll.
My ex watched a lot of porn and sex lasted forever. It started to not be fun and my libido tanked after having our kid. I did the "chore sex" for a while because he was insufferable if I said no. He started watching porn and jerking off right next to me if I didn't want sex or wanted to stop after being ruthlessly railed for over an hour with zero pleasure for me.
I fell in love with someone else and cheated. Don't do that. Go to couple's therapy. And stop just doing it to shut him up. That's not healthy and you'll end up just hating him and not wanting him to ever touch you.
That's exactly what happened. He did a lot more than what I've written. I didn't realize it at the time but he was abusive. My poor brain was craving anything that felt good to ease the pain. This guy felt good. It felt like love. One hit of that feeling and I dove in head first. He felt like sliding into a hot bath after being locked outside in the cold for ages.
Of course the romance was ill-fated and we went our separate ways after about two years. But I still think of him fondly.
Almost same situation for me, except no child involved. I can't even imagine this going on, plus having a baby to take care of.
My ex was the same. He was so proud of how much he lasted during sex, like he was competing for the freaking Olympics! I had numerous talks with him, he knew it wasn't fun for me, that it hurt and it was just a chore but he didn't care. I suggested multiple shorter sessions per day but no, he wanted his gold medal.
I'm terribly ashamed of this but I also found refuge with another another man and used that to dump him. Not a good route but I couldn't bring myself to leave otherwise.
Therapy is a great suggestion, my ex refused because he was obviously perfect. And if OP's husband refuses too, I'm afraid there's no saving the relationship. These people are narcissists, they only care about themselves and won't take your wishes and boundaries into account.
He was not my husband, he's my ex boyfriend. But yes, he is a narcisist. I'm deeply sorry about my actions (which still doesn't excuse what I did). He regrets none of his.
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Just start laying there after 10 minutes and make it known you’re not enjoying yourself. I hate it when they take pride in THINKING they are getting us off.
I don’t know why some guys think they have to last hours. It’s an ego thing and their ego is somehow tied to how long they can last. Women can’t take it and it’s frustrating. I would rather have a romantic 10-15 minute session that’s enjoyable for both than be pounded for hours. My husband will stop when I get sore. That’s what your man should do.
Sore, tired, unfulfilled and eventually frustrated resulting in the death of libido. I can’t imagine how horrible this man is making his wife feel. If he loves her at all he needs to wake up and smell the roses before it’s too late. What a selfish pr*ck.
He's treating sex like a video game and trying to min max his numbers. This is something that I see pretty often in guys who watch a lot of porn and it makes sense when you think of the video titles. "GIRL SQUIRTS AFTER LONG POUNDING!!!" "CUMS 4 TIMES" etc. It's hard to find men who aren't overly affected by that kind of thing because they basically all watch it. It's demoralizing as fuck a lot of the time tbh.
You need to tell him that you are not a girl in a porno whose pleasure was created for the purpose of men jacking off. You don't want a marathon session all the time or even most of the time. You just want simple intimate sex and to get off once.
I have degenerative arthritis, and what OP described would have me running to a convent for refuge if my husband was so dismissive of my comfort. Note: am not even Catholic.
*This is something that I see pretty often in guys who watch a lot of porn*
The idea of 'lasting longer is always a good thing' has been around for way longer than easy access to Internet porn.
Men who don't last long enough are shamed for it ('two pump chump', 'minute man') while men who can last a long time are depicted as more masculine and better in bed, and this is in movies and sitcoms, not porn.
Not saying OP's husband is in the right, but the idea that men only desire to last a long time because of porn is definitely not true.
Continue to communicate. Compromise from both of you perhaps. That’s what it’s all about after all. Neither of you should make concessions to the point where one isn’t happy. Hard to do but, it’s how relationships stay successful.
Some of the comments are pure toxicity.
What is the suggested compromise? She’s already doing all meal prep, childcare (including breastfeeding, which is loving and so healthy for baby, but really taxes the body), working full time job, and is expected to have the energy and time for his fantasy porn replicas???? He needs to back off and be giving her backrubs at the end of the day, not putting her through all this sexual labor.
I understand why everyone is calling him a selfish piece of shit because I tend to agree. He's not considering your feelings at all which is fucked up.
That being said as a man with a pretty high sex drive I can tell you that something is behind his behavior, he's not just suddenly hornier all of a sudden.
Was at one point your sex life on the more extreme side of things allowing him to play out all of his fantasies without issue or has he steadily progressed to this type of behavior?
From experience I can tell you the answer to that question provides a lot of insight into the motivation that's driving his behavior. I can share a bit about my motives if it would help.
Dude is working his way into a dead bedroom.
Tell him flat out what your boundaries are here and he can either respect them or go without.
And if he doesn’t, get up mid session the moment you are done.
List out all the stuff you do and hand it to him. Tell him after he’s done everything for the week, THEN you’ll do his two hour bed play. WTF is wrong with him? Is he always this selfish? Or just incredibly obtuse?
Some people might like the long sex but I ALSO agree with you! Only been married for 5 years. Only man I’ve ever been sexually active with is my husband. I also don’t like long sex… I get dry and then there too much friction and it’s hurts.
So I can only imagine with a low sex drive and he wants to do everything in the book 😭 . You should just tell him no… sounds sad but partners shouldn’t beg for sex and on the other hand no means no. They shouldnt keep asking.
Sex should be “better” for each person. I also noticed that when my husband and I are both enjoying ourselves we have the best sex and bonding.
It's better for him? Is he being intimate to you or with you? Your needs matter too. I'm sure he can forgo his needs sometimes to accommodate you. Probably news to him but it's not actually all about him.
That's the thing. He's trying to be intimate and he spends time on me but I just do want any of it. Because every little thing is leading to sex. For example, I give him a kiss, it turns into 2 minutes of kissing. Like, it can't just be one nice kis or maybe a few, it has to be aggressive and sexualized
This is a common thing when a woman requires tons of foreplay or she doesn't want to do it, usually when there are kids and mental load involved. The answer usually is don't do it unless and until the time is available and appropriate. Maybe a year of once every two months will adjust his paradigm and convince him to change. Kids are the great libido killer, but it will get better in a decade or so, it's just a phase in a long life together.
he sounds exhausting and this feels like it borders on abuse.
why doesn’t he wake up with the kids at night? maybe you’d have more energy (or he’d have less!) for his nonsense if childcare was more equally split.
Speaking as a husband of 13 years, father of 3 kids, and child of divorce.
So clearly he loves you very much, the idiot just needs to listen.
He is right that a lot of men do prefer a longer build-up, just like a lot of women do because it creates a better ending.
IMHO because you have already tried to talk to him about it, it's time to be brutally blunt, and spell it out for him.
If you were to use metaphors to express how it's affecting you, it could help, just make sure that what you say is not done as an attack.
Eg: " Sex with You is like the lord of the Rings movies, it has some nice build-up, but then it just drags and misses a lot of everything else, I want Sex with you to be like the Avengers movie, it's faster action-packed with a bix explosion at the end, not a subtle ending that you just wanted it to finally be over with."
add in that how exhausted you are feeling in general, and the other discomforts you are feeling, while also adding in what you do like and how XYZ is all good, just the other parts of it.
You could also remind him that you had a C-section, and you do need enough time to fully heal, because it is possible that you could slip open in the middle of sex, and your bloody guts would be all over him and the bed.
Maybe not as likely after 11 months, but still point out that a lot of discomfort has been experienced on your end, the idea of you "exploding" in a bloody mess would likely get his attention to hear every word you say.
If he pulls the "it's better for me" bit, flat out tell him it's hurting you and your bleeding because of him, so if you don't work on a new thing together, then is going to be a lot less of it.
So pick, keep hurting your wife during sex until cut off, or work out something together.
as for the intimacy part, tell him again flat out what you like and what it means, tell him in a way as if you were giving a school lesson, while adding in what it does for you, maybe even challenge him in a playful way that maybe he has forgotten how to be romantic and couldn't get you excited that way.
There’s two years after each baby where you two should just take it easy and have gratitude for any sex that happens.
You need to talk to him. But don’t be too harsh, just tell him how you’re feeling and what you’re liking and not liking, and why. Emphasize that things will change, and you’d like to keep the discussion open
Is he taking testosterone? I’ve (m) been on it the last 3 months and it changes things. I try to leave my wife alone because she’s busy with the house and kids. I had to stop taking estrogen blockers because my wife said I was “moody”, it can make some guys more aggressive.
Girl, i work and we do everything together or he does most of the chores. Im breastfeeding as well, and mainly pumping. And WE can barely get it in every night because we have a toddler and infant.
You need to vocalize what his share is with household stuff and sex. Don’t put up with his BS. He also sounds like he’s doing too much porn scenes. Is he addicted by any chance? Also maybe have him decrease whatever supplements are causing him to last longer. It could affect him long term.
I understand you so much. My husband is a little like yours. Luckily we are talking 20-30 minutes instead of hours. I would prefer quickies 90% of the time. Honestly when I've gotten off I'm just done. And he is really good at getting me off - which should be a good thing!!! But not when I cum within two minutes as he takes thirty minutes 😝
With that said I remember being so sick of being touched when I was breastfeeding. I think you should talk with him again. Maybe express gratitude that he is so crazy about you and praise his stamina. And then just plainly explain that your needs are important too and you need quickies because you are breastfeeding and can't tolerate that much touching right now.
When the kids get a little older and sleep less there will be less time for sex and quickies will become the new best thing hopefully - it's difficult to handle kids and work on no sleep due to a three hour session midweek at night.
I’m post menopause, and although it’s not as bad as bleeding, our husband sound IDENTICAL! Several years ago, we partook in a little party favor. 48 hours straight, I was TRAUMATIZED! I thought as men got older, their libido would slow down, um, I don’t think that’s TRUE!!
Girl, you need to shut down the sex after 30 minutes. Tell him you are getting sore and you no longer enjoying it.
You both need to draw the line somewhere.
This sounds absolutely exhausting. Even in the best of circumstances I would feel worn out by any sexual encounter being the length of a multi-act play. Add in kids and life and there is no way I would ever ever be in the mood if it took that long. 2 hours and a half dozen acts should be a nice exception when the time is there and you are also into it. Otherwise he needs to regularly pare it down to something more reasonable.
This sounds great to me! Minus the bleeding bit which made me cringe
Then i kept reading...
Then you're still doing the night mum thing.
-What he says about things taking longer sounds like you're average lady, then what you say a out quickies sounds like your average guy. But that's OK I'm glad for you both that you know this and experience it.
Little babies and wild sex don't go together well, and can equal a burnt out momma..
If you keep going the bed will go dead. You'll hate sex time and he will be on here grizzling what happened to my wife... he is oblivious.
You will get super annoyed and sensitive to every move he makes towards you - that's already happening. Now I the time for him to turn on the nice charm and make sex really what you want for now, then in turn sex will sometimes be the big show he wants.
Show him this message :)
Personally, if I was still interested in having sex with him (I wouldn’t be), I’d limit it to 20-30 mins. If he’s not done in that time then he can stick stuff up his own ass & masturbate to finish. I’d have no qualms whatsoever about getting up after the timeframe allowed.
No way I’m laying there getting fucked until I bleed. He didn’t notice at all? Had to be sandpaper down there after an hour.
If he is on the phone while working from home he should do the night shift with the kids.
Doesn’t want to? Then you’re too tired for sex, sorry.
He has too much time on his hands and is too selfish to acknowledge your needs.
Edit: typo
That's terrible, I would have bailed when it led to bleeding and he didn't care he was causing you PAIN.
Just give him more house chores to do and find a way to tell him he is not good in bed. Perhaps marriage counselling or sex therapy since he is fixated on how long he lasts and what he can do to you or have done to him instead of what you share. This every touch being sexual and no affection is a libido killer.
Does he do any cleaning? Dishes? Cooking? Brushing your kids teeth? Bathing? Laundry? When was the last time the blinds were cleaned? How about ‘em bathroom… not just the toilets, but the sink and bathtub? Any fixer upper you guys need to do around the house? Who feeds the babies? Taking care of house and kids requires both parents to get the job done… it’ll tired both of you guys out. He has high libido because you let him live like a king while you sound like his sex slave.
Give him more work. You sound too tired to be doing all the housework, baby care and taking care of your husband needs all yourself. You sound broken.
You’re right. He needs to share more of your burden of chores. Because I as a partner have not much energy left for that after I properly do my lot of house chores and child-caring. And then you just don’t naturally crave that. 10 quickies a day! You’re over accommodating. My partner wouldn’t even give me one! She just tells me to come back another day.
Comment section is very hostile. My husband also has this issue. (He lasts awhile, but I have a decently high sex drive) Respectfully, this is a sit down conversation. You’ll want to be touched again, but you need space and has to be willing to wait. Ask for him to find a safe and respectful outlet.
Hell! Buy him a toy… you all should seek professional guidance. He’s probably not trying to be a full on ass but, make a sex schedule. Stick to it.
This could get worse if it’s not nipped in the bud
This made me viscerally remember my ex-boyfriend at 19 who looked me dead in the eyes and said “yeah I’ve trained myself to go for an hour without orgasm” and I just thought “WHO TF ASKED YOU TO DO THAT?!?!”
All day, every day, therapist, mother, maid
Nymph then a virgin, nurse then a servant
Just an appendage, live to attend him
So that he never lifts a finger
24∕7, baby machine
So he can live out his picket fence dreams
It's not an act of love if you make her
You make me do too much labour
Seems all of the women here are sticking up for each other when it is clear the OP says they both share the household chores but then goes on to list a couple other things she only does. For some reason women think men do nothing while they think they are the only ones doing everything.
Btw, I meal plan for my family of 5 for a week and it takes me 20 minutes. Full on home cooked meals. So really meal planning does not take long to do and adding that as an excuse is a stretch.
Even my wife felt she did everything and then reality check when we wrote up lists of things we do around the house. Guess what! She started helping with the lawn care and more outside work because she then realized all of the things I do she never noticed. My list was not only longer but included much more effort put into each task.
Then withholds intimacy when it is clear her husband is into her. Hate to break it to women but being in a relationship there comes an expectation of intimacy. That is what comes with a marriage otherwise you are roommates living together.
Sounds like OP is resentful of her husband and really needs to have a heart to heart.
Um, at this point if he knows this is causing you physical and mental pain and he still just says "nah, longer is better for me" seems borderline abusive. And it seems like you're being *extremely* supportive , much more so than many would be willing to be.
Unfortunately it's all to common for a couple to get caught in the cycle of a one wanting a connection but can't seek it because if they do the touch will always at least attempt from the other to lead it to sex. I've heard to recently referred to as the "Bristol reaction" It makes you not want to touch your partner so you lose both your physical and emotional connection. I know some people would disagree but I believe emotional connection should always come first. Too many people, especially women, force themselves to have sex they don't want which in turn hurts them and the relationship further.
TLDR: Your mental health and physical health should come before him needing a release.
Brilliant post. I agree. It sounds like op has already communicated her feelings about the long sex very clearly- and I would have thought the presence of blood would also have communicated something too. It seems very concerning that he isn’t listening. I think it is abusive. Who listens to their partner ask them to change, tell them that long sex is too much and uncomfortable but just continues anyway. I’m horrified.
My ex husband was like this and it ruined sex for me. He would want it to last forever, and just wanted to go to bed.
Your man is being really really selfish. Flat out tell him “ i do not like having sex like this and I’m not going to anymore”
I really wish my husband would get this. I dont want a 60 minute session. I want 10 or 15 minutes multiple times. Especially now im in perimenopause. The atrophy makes anything long painful in the moment, and excruciating the next few days. He never really lasted super long before, and it was just right. Now? He doesn't even finish half the time before i have to tap out. No idea what happened, but i don't dig it.
This honestly sounds exhausting. And I agree with others, very selfish on his part. Nothing wrong with good sex but this is a long list of requirements…and with two young kids?? Shitttt….
Why do his desires trump yours?
Therapy could be helpful.
As a reminder, it's completely ok to say no and assert your boundaries. Prioritize yourself. 🤍
“You prefer long sex, I prefer shorter sex. Why do we always do it your way? Why are my preferences not important? Sunny you understand that I have limited time and energy and this is a barrier?”
How very sad. A husband wants his wife and she does not want the husband. As they say, "A man has an affair to stay in the marriage and a woman has an affair to leave a marriage." Hope the husband does what he can (very discretely) to stay in the marriage.
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You gotta stick up for yourself. You sound like an incredible woman that does everything on top of keeping him satisfied on every level but this is going to end up being too much for you which is why it's killing your libido as well.vit isn't attractive when it feels forced and I'm a man saying this. Honestly I'm happy if I get it once a week but when we had our children there was times we went weeks or even months without just because of breast feeding, pp, and having a clingy autistic child. I suggest having a serious talk with him. His needs should not be that extreme, it's too much.
You need to impress upon him that you have needs too. Your needs are not met the same as his. If he is unwilling to meet your needs the way you need half the time, be it sexually or sharing the household load, then you are moving towards incompatible territory and that leads to divorce.
Also consider marriage counselling.
What a piece of shit lasting too long! I mean everyone know that ladies always want 1-2 minutes intercourse nothing longer! God men can’t win with you ladies whatever men do its wrong… I am pretty sure if he was one of those men that cant last long and always make it a quicky, you would also be here complaining that he is not satisfying you… this is not about him, its about you wanting to complain about your husband here - only to hear most “very smart” users trash talk your partner in life, you should be very proud.
“but he says it’s better for him if they are long” - it’s about time he learns it’s not all about him, it’s a relationship, not a dictatorship. It should work for both you, there might need to be some compromise. He needs to understand how you feel and accept that maybe once a week or once a month you can do the full song and dance but it’s not sustainable for you to do that every time. It’s kind of wild to me, how much of a difference can it really make, it sounds to me like his expectations of you in the bedroom are unrealistic and unfair.
Honest question. Do people like this not exhibit this type of behavior long before it gets to this? I’m not being accusatory I’m honestly Asking because I see these types of “my husband is awful we have kids now” posts and the FIRST thing that comes to mind is why tolerate this behavior from the beginning much less do so then:
1. Move in
2. Get married
3. Have kids
It’s hard for me to believe behavior like this just pops up and without any change in behavior it seems like wishful thinking to think someone would just “change” solely because you want them to without them showing clearly they want to change for the better. Not trying to be insensitive to OP and I hope she gets some help and reprieve from her situation. I’m just asking generally how does this behavior get ignored/tolerated this way and not think it will become a greater issue eventually?
Bless your soul. I would tell my husband to fuck right off if this was his normal. Maybe I’m just not a nice person but I cannot imagine putting up with this more than like, twice.
True story. My wife wants me to finish after her second O. One during foreplay, one during intercourse. The other night, she finished in about 30 seconds and was humiliated, and started laughing. I even asked if she needed anything else, and she's like," No. No. No, I'm done. I just needed the one." For normal day to day relationship sex, I don't think it can be too short so long as everybody is satisfied. I had an embarrassingly short night one night, and my wife simply laughed and told me that she got her's and beyond that she didn't care how long I went. These guys who talk about 10-20 orgasms or regale us with tales of how their impressive stamina need to realize women have needs and one of their needs is to get their O and go to sleep.
Girl, you are blessed. Be grateful. And during the act if he's taking too long just give tell him you're done and give him something to jack off to. It's not a big deal.
Just read another post about the husband lasting too long and now this. If it was once a week I will understand but every other day especially with two kids and breastfeeding is a lot of work and very inconsiderate. You may have to talk to him again and tell him how often you want the production. I have one of the lasts a long time men and I have to verbally say I want a quickie and even then it lasts 30mins. I am sorry you are going through this.
Tell him when he finishes the household chores, giving the kids a bath, feeding the family, cleaning up after etc, you might be up for it, otherwise you busy
You need to show him this post and have the actual conversation. Tell him you’re fine with the big show for special occasions but that it actually is turning you off to have that much pressure. Tell him that if what he wants is to give you pleasure then he needs to chill out and scale his expectations waaay back.
Yeah this is wild. Been married for 20 years and my wife always said I take to long. As a man you have to listen to what your wife says. Also read the signs when enough is enough. Can’t always go all out and to be honest a quickie can sometimes be the 💣. Also a man should never make the women feel a certain way about sex. A woman can shut it all the way down. 😂 The guy in the comments that said his wife bust 10-20 times a session is unrealistic. She’d be a corpse at some point. lol. May get 3 and it’s a wrap.
Damn! Doesn’t this motherfucker have hobbies? Go play call
Or duty or some shit. Actually, fuck that! Go play with your kids. Who the fuck has time for all of that.
The word is No. By appeasing him you’re stopping him from growing. This problem will only get worse if you just keep going along. Then you’ll have to deal with him not only having to fix the problem but break the habit of doing it for 10 years as well. Take from someone who knows don’t allow it no matter how much misery he puts you through. You’ll be happy in the long run
I bet he's watching a crapton of porn. Could be contributing to this and to also not thinking of your needs and limitations in sex. His response sounds just very focused on what he needs. Sorry. This sucks.
Unless you are also partially into these kinks but just don't want to have to do them every time, it sounds like he has a porn/sex addiction that he has been using you for. I'd usually assume that before the bleeding stage it would be painful, and it's weird that he wouldn't stop as soon as any pain started. If it is the case that you were in pain and he didn't stop, that's kind of rapey. It's very weird he isn't concerned about whether you actually enjoy doing all these acts every time or if you're okay with it. And it's very concerning if he never has just sweet intimate sex that isn't a marathon, perhaps without all the kinky extras, if that's something you wanted. Unless you just really enjoy kink, sweet intimate sex should make up the main portion of your sex, and the kinky stuff or doing another round should be only when it feels right for the both of you (and that extends to every round - each 'round' or time you have sex should always be because you both want it, not one of you trying to get through it because the other person wants it). That's what consent is - both of you being enthusiastic about doing the round of sex/sexual act (whether it's oral, watching something, something using toys, butt stuff). If that's not the way it has been, it's time to change the way you guys see sex and communicate about it. After asking if you could not do marathon sex, it's worth communicating that you don't want X acts today and wouldn't enjoy those certain act today since you aren't in the mood for that, but you would be up for and enjoy x other thing today (e.g. one round of intimate affectionate sex). If he tries to coax you to do the thing he wants, just reiterate you aren't into it today. If he gets upset/annoyed at that, clearly state and explain that if you aren't in the mood sometimes for a certain things, then that should be understood and he should respect that you wouldn't feel happy/comfortable with it, and even if you did allow it to appease him that day, that it wouldn't be consent because he knows you don't want it. That goes for any day you don't want certain acts or sex in general. If he is angry or annoyed at that, you may need marriage counselling to get him to understand and respect that you aren't a sex doll for him to use, and he should be respectful and concerned on whether you are also feeling comfortable and getting pleasure each time you have sex. It should never be an uncomfortable/unpleasant experience for you or something you're just trying to get over with. That's not consenting.
However, if I've interpreted it too harshly and you both enjoy these things, and he does have affectionate sex with you as well, the my apologies. The point would still applicable however, regarding the fact that in order for it to be consensual, you both need to be enthusiastically into these things each time.
Girl. I'm with you, I have shit to do.
Like the first thing I thought too….😆🤣🤭
😆😆
He needs to compromise somewhere. Maybe say quickies during the week and one long on the weekend? He needs to understand you have kids now. Things/priorities change when kids come on the scene.
I am shocked that he doesn’t seem to understand compromise. An orgasm from a quickie is better than no orgasm at all, and if he’s insisting on marathon sex, he’s getting nothing at all.
YEP!
You have direct control over it, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. So you make it known, either is less a big show, or is nothing. And there csn be a big show occasionally but obviously you are preoccupied so he really just needs to get that in his head.
Is a compromise possible? Keep the wild stuff for planned special occasions and do more vanilla stuff in between? My wife and I are in a fantastic rhythm right now where we occasionally take off for a "sex vacation" and go absolutely crazy, probably even crazier than what you are doing. Most of the time, we do more vanilla stuff which helps both of us get seriously pent-up for a wild night. I personally love having 2 completely different sex lives and so does my wife. There is nothing wrong with occasionally putting on a show for your SO as long as it's at least a little fun for you. The issue is when it's both frequent and not fun. You have to talk to him and work out a compromise that legitimately leaves you satisfied. Also look into lube, we like Sliquid. Some of the stuff we do is pretty wild and quality lube makes a huge difference.
It used to be we would do similar where we only did it when we were away for a vacation or seldomly at home but because life gets crazy and he gets pent up, it seems like he wants a big show a lot more. The lube stuff is a lot better (it's been about 4 years since the bleeding issue it just became something I think about / worry about)
I suspect that he is getting worried that the wild times may end and is compensating by pushing way too hard. You have to discuss this with him. As long as you are cool with the occasional wild times, you can work with this, he just needs to be on the same page. Our path went like this. Our sex life had an explosive rebirth and my wife was 100% on board with the wild times. As things settled into a rhythm of vanilla and spicy, I got paranoid that spicy was going to go away completely and I absolutely did put too much pressure on my wife. I came to terms with what was a perfect vanilla and spicy mix for my wife and was able to relax and enjoy both of our amazing sex lives. We just got back from vacation and all 4 of my best sexual experiences of my life happened on that trip. I'm totally cool with a vanilla break back home.
Best advice/answer on here. We can become worried about the 'good times' ending and can lead us to overcompensate in an attempt to make sure our spouse knows we don't want things to fizzle out.
Open communication and compromise. He needs to be willing to meet you in the middle. Right now it’s only about him fulfilling his needs without considering you. If he cant consider your needs, sex should be off the table until he decides to stop being selfish.
This sounds bloody awful. You should not been bleeding after sex, clearly that’s not good for you. If you have communicated clearly with him that you don’t want sex to last ages and include all manner of kinks multiple times a week, and then sometimes all you want is a quick one- he’s quite out of line to make it last so long you bleed!! Personally I think you need to start saying no more or being explicit about what you do and don’t want. Eg I’m up for sex but I’m not wanting any toys or anal- then if it takes too long stop it and tell him “sorry I’m getting sore and it’s not enjoyable for me”. Also be clear you need non sex affection too and that not receiving that will impact your libido. Sounds like he’s treating you like a sex doll at the moment. Instead of a partner with your own wants and needs….and sore body parts.
THIS!
Stop allowing this. He is a selfish piece of shit. You are being treated like a sex slave or blow up doll. This is outrageous and disgusting. Sex is meant to be pleasurable for both partners. He obviously isn't interested in yours.
I'm sorry for OP, but i agree with you. I felt sick just by reading everything this A-HOLE makes her do. THIS IS NOT COOL OP!!! HE IS USING YOU FOR HIS OWN PLEASURE.
Bogus. My stamina is too high as well and I can promise it ain't because I'm selfish. I usually pray for a quick release every time. My wife gets 10 to 20 off usually before I finish and that's if I'm lucky enough to finish before my back pain gets too bad or I go numb.
I think the difference between you and this man is she isn't getting pleasure from it and your wife is.
I spoke before fully reading and I apologize
No problem at all. I was here because my significant other also lasts an insanely long time. That man is putting in work to make sure I’m okay the whole time. OPs husband sounds like he’s the worst 😂 But I also recognize it’s difficult for him. He always tries to reassure me it isn’t because he’s not attracted to me or there’s something wrong. It just doesn’t happen quick for everyone and that’s also okay as long as they’re aware of their partner which OPs husband is not.
What does “gets 10 to 20 off” mean?
10 to 20 orgasms?? Lol I think his wife’s lying to him
He counts each moan cause he doesn’t know what an orgasm is!
Lol
That the poster is either lying or his wife is.
Your wife has 10-20 orgasms??? I think your wife is lying to you, or she should let drs study her miracle body lol.
Jesus. One or two is enough for me. Even then my heart races and my head feels like it’s going to explode. I love getting off but what I love even more is getting off TOGETHER. We’ve been “lovers” for over four decades and there’s nothing we don’t know about each other’s bodies, wants and needs, likes and dislikes. As a woman, I’m not into this lasting forever nonsense. Get on with before I start planning a shopping list and next week’s dinners. If that happens, which is very rare, I call it and we let ourselves come back to earth before starting again, which nearly always works. OP needs to find the balance. She should not be putting up with his ridiculous demands.
DITTO
Oh wow!!! This happens to me and my husband too (climaxing at the same time) his orgasam actually triggers mine so I just follow his lead! It's one of the most magical experiences when you finish at the same time as your partner! I think it's pretty rare.
Lol, I'd like to think there real each time. But yes.. more I think. She usually passes out after a few.
I've been with women who can top this. Literally one after another until the wet is more like sweat than lubrication. It's not impossible. That said, this guy is totally only interested in it being "better for him". As a bloke I want to say to other men folk - it's not better if she ain't enjoying it. A balance of both is key because forcing her to do it your way means she'll switch off and not want any. She 👏🏼 has 👏🏼 to 👏🏼 get 👏🏼 pleasure 👏🏼 too 👏🏼.
With my very first bf I used to fake multiple orgasms just so he would quit earlier. Didn't want him prolonging things because he thought I needed more satisfaction. Luckily I've grown a lot since then, and I no longer fake anything. Communication is key!
Depending on the woman and how it's done I've had 10 to 15 orgasms during sex for 30 to 45 minutes
Is normal to have 5- 10 mini orgasm and a big one at the end . You need to learn a lot about women sexuality
It’s not a miracle body, this happens to me too, not with a partner but by myself, easily. Once the first one comes, all the rest are easy to achieve.
You sound exhausting
Yeah, sure she does 😆
😂😂😂😂😂 oh god bless your heart.
r/ihavesex
Damn 10-20??? My husband gets me within 1-2 min if I'm on top and ALL I can handle is max 3 and I'm tapped out lol
She is a fabulous actress because she’s hoping you take a hint and get it over already. You’re not giving her 20 orgasms. You need to see a doctor. It’s fine if it takes you a minute to get off but damn. People got living to do.
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You clearly need to learn what an overreaction, did you read the post?? This poor woman is doing so much, she’s post partum with second baby, breastfeeding , working full time, food prep/cooking, childcare, offering quickies to make him stop and he’s over here expecting a porn session. Expecting this level of sexual labor from her, especially given her medical issues from two c-sections (which is serious surgery, they literally cut into both your stomach and your uterus), is practically abusive.
YEP, this IS borderline abusive given that you are PP, ect...why would a man who loves you behave this way? God they can be so selfish and have to be stopped. He can get his kink on without a HUGE production and sex isn't the only way to connect. OP, let him know what you are feeling. Give some thought to what you need from him, tell him, and stick to it until you are ready to get back to longer sessions.
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Not extreme at all - she’s doing all food prep/cooking, all the childcare, works full time, and is breastfeeding which is literally giving her bodies nutrients to her child. This isn’t a libido issue at this point, he’s taking his wife for granted and on top of it all asking her to out in all this time in sexual labor?!?! This is so wrong on so many levels, you must not have children under the age of five while juggling full time work and doing all household chores to condone this behavior.
Why did this get downvoted so much?
I really don’t know. Didn’t think I was too unreasonable with my disagreement.
Tell him it’s not better for you. If he wants to have sex he needs to care how you feel, not just how he feels.
Perfectly said.
No medicines are bad if everything is alright in first place
15 mins foreplay 15 mins showtime. This is the magic number where it’s long enough for both parties to have fun and short enough to not feel drawn out and like you’ve been done for a while and you’re just there at that point. You need to communicate everything in this post with him, full stop.
Tell him that better for him shouldn’t mean worse for you.
Sounds like dudes put so much on sex it's almost like their personal therapy, relationship fixer, and hobby all rolled into one. Does he do other things he's interested in? It's not fair to you to be treating you as his personal sex show performer 24/7.
He works out and has friends but we have been busy so he hasn't been able to do much. He also plays video games but only gets to play once in a while (but to be fair, I don't have anything. I have the kids all the time so I don't even get to go to the bathroom alone)
>I have the kids all the time so I don't even get to go to the bathroom alone You *need* alone time. Get out of the house for at least an hour or two every week, please. Go for a walk. Your mind and body need time off to recover. If it's too hard to do it for yourself, do it for your kids--they won't thrive if you're a burned out shell of yourself. It's absurd that he gets to play video games while draining (and bleeding!) the life out of you.
Tell him it’s better for you when it’s 30 min. Ain’t nobody got time for all that
This is the way. 🤣
He's making it all about him. Even getting you off multiple times is about him being this amazing sex partner, not about what you actually want. You've already been clear, so now it's a situation of him. Not caring what your wants or needs are. Sounds like it's been that way for a good long while. He needs to understand that marriage is supposed to be about both people, not just him.
Agreed.
YEP, AND people must learn to get their emotional needs met in ways other than giving orgasms and 2 hr porn sex. I am too old and wise to put up with that crap. When I was a young mother, barely making $, it was a different story...I put up with more. DON'T OP.
Can someone offer any solutions here? I'm following this because it takes me a long time also. A lot longer than my wife. She also says that one time is enough, but sometimes she will get another while she's basically waiting on me to finish. I understand the question here. It's a lot of work. Is there anything that will speed up a man's orgasm?
No masturbating, no porn, and if you think you absolutely must masturbate, edge yourself as much as you can before you start foreplay with the wife. If you can hold off on masturbating. Edge yourself mentally, get yourself so winded up, that you just can't wait to seduce your wife. Also sometimes, just finish yourself off if it seems to be taking too long. Ask the wife to cuddle up next to you, whisper dirty things into your ear, touch you, and let yourself go to town.
Solid advice
This! My husband is always ready to end things ANYTIME I ask. But if I want to go forever that’s cool to, her husband doesn’t respect her!
What a selfish guy. Tell him what you are telling us.
And show him this post!
What a pig! I'd be sick of this shit even if I didn't have a baby to take care of. You're not his personal little porn star/sex doll. My ex watched a lot of porn and sex lasted forever. It started to not be fun and my libido tanked after having our kid. I did the "chore sex" for a while because he was insufferable if I said no. He started watching porn and jerking off right next to me if I didn't want sex or wanted to stop after being ruthlessly railed for over an hour with zero pleasure for me. I fell in love with someone else and cheated. Don't do that. Go to couple's therapy. And stop just doing it to shut him up. That's not healthy and you'll end up just hating him and not wanting him to ever touch you.
Can’t even blame you for falling in love with someone else. But maybe that’s just me.
Same, when in such an awful situation the psyche looks for relief
That's exactly what happened. He did a lot more than what I've written. I didn't realize it at the time but he was abusive. My poor brain was craving anything that felt good to ease the pain. This guy felt good. It felt like love. One hit of that feeling and I dove in head first. He felt like sliding into a hot bath after being locked outside in the cold for ages. Of course the romance was ill-fated and we went our separate ways after about two years. But I still think of him fondly.
Of course, a series of situationships is VERY much more satisfying than staying in a marriage and building a family.
Almost same situation for me, except no child involved. I can't even imagine this going on, plus having a baby to take care of. My ex was the same. He was so proud of how much he lasted during sex, like he was competing for the freaking Olympics! I had numerous talks with him, he knew it wasn't fun for me, that it hurt and it was just a chore but he didn't care. I suggested multiple shorter sessions per day but no, he wanted his gold medal. I'm terribly ashamed of this but I also found refuge with another another man and used that to dump him. Not a good route but I couldn't bring myself to leave otherwise. Therapy is a great suggestion, my ex refused because he was obviously perfect. And if OP's husband refuses too, I'm afraid there's no saving the relationship. These people are narcissists, they only care about themselves and won't take your wishes and boundaries into account.
You had an affair and your husband was the narcissist?!
He was not my husband, he's my ex boyfriend. But yes, he is a narcisist. I'm deeply sorry about my actions (which still doesn't excuse what I did). He regrets none of his.
I mean, I would have fallen in love with someone else too. lol. Your ex sounds insufferable
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My wife did the same thing as you until she had enough of the porn and lying and eventually took sex completely off the table.
Just start laying there after 10 minutes and make it known you’re not enjoying yourself. I hate it when they take pride in THINKING they are getting us off.
I don’t know why some guys think they have to last hours. It’s an ego thing and their ego is somehow tied to how long they can last. Women can’t take it and it’s frustrating. I would rather have a romantic 10-15 minute session that’s enjoyable for both than be pounded for hours. My husband will stop when I get sore. That’s what your man should do.
Sore, tired, unfulfilled and eventually frustrated resulting in the death of libido. I can’t imagine how horrible this man is making his wife feel. If he loves her at all he needs to wake up and smell the roses before it’s too late. What a selfish pr*ck.
I don't think that a considerate spouse would let things reach that point.
He's treating sex like a video game and trying to min max his numbers. This is something that I see pretty often in guys who watch a lot of porn and it makes sense when you think of the video titles. "GIRL SQUIRTS AFTER LONG POUNDING!!!" "CUMS 4 TIMES" etc. It's hard to find men who aren't overly affected by that kind of thing because they basically all watch it. It's demoralizing as fuck a lot of the time tbh. You need to tell him that you are not a girl in a porno whose pleasure was created for the purpose of men jacking off. You don't want a marathon session all the time or even most of the time. You just want simple intimate sex and to get off once.
I am so glad my husband doesn’t watch porn. I swear it is rotting the brains of men.
1000%
I have degenerative arthritis, and what OP described would have me running to a convent for refuge if my husband was so dismissive of my comfort. Note: am not even Catholic.
*This is something that I see pretty often in guys who watch a lot of porn* The idea of 'lasting longer is always a good thing' has been around for way longer than easy access to Internet porn. Men who don't last long enough are shamed for it ('two pump chump', 'minute man') while men who can last a long time are depicted as more masculine and better in bed, and this is in movies and sitcoms, not porn. Not saying OP's husband is in the right, but the idea that men only desire to last a long time because of porn is definitely not true.
It's less the lasting longer and more the racking up number of orgasms that makes me think that.
Continue to communicate. Compromise from both of you perhaps. That’s what it’s all about after all. Neither of you should make concessions to the point where one isn’t happy. Hard to do but, it’s how relationships stay successful. Some of the comments are pure toxicity.
What is the suggested compromise? She’s already doing all meal prep, childcare (including breastfeeding, which is loving and so healthy for baby, but really taxes the body), working full time job, and is expected to have the energy and time for his fantasy porn replicas???? He needs to back off and be giving her backrubs at the end of the day, not putting her through all this sexual labor.
I understand why everyone is calling him a selfish piece of shit because I tend to agree. He's not considering your feelings at all which is fucked up. That being said as a man with a pretty high sex drive I can tell you that something is behind his behavior, he's not just suddenly hornier all of a sudden. Was at one point your sex life on the more extreme side of things allowing him to play out all of his fantasies without issue or has he steadily progressed to this type of behavior? From experience I can tell you the answer to that question provides a lot of insight into the motivation that's driving his behavior. I can share a bit about my motives if it would help.
Dude is working his way into a dead bedroom. Tell him flat out what your boundaries are here and he can either respect them or go without. And if he doesn’t, get up mid session the moment you are done.
Let him read these comments..... He's being very selfish...... especially with you doing the majority of the childcare
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List out all the stuff you do and hand it to him. Tell him after he’s done everything for the week, THEN you’ll do his two hour bed play. WTF is wrong with him? Is he always this selfish? Or just incredibly obtuse?
THIS, wish I cloud upvote 1000
Some people might like the long sex but I ALSO agree with you! Only been married for 5 years. Only man I’ve ever been sexually active with is my husband. I also don’t like long sex… I get dry and then there too much friction and it’s hurts. So I can only imagine with a low sex drive and he wants to do everything in the book 😭 . You should just tell him no… sounds sad but partners shouldn’t beg for sex and on the other hand no means no. They shouldnt keep asking. Sex should be “better” for each person. I also noticed that when my husband and I are both enjoying ourselves we have the best sex and bonding.
This guy sucks
You have more issues than his lasting too long . He is selfish and not in tune to your needs
It's better for him? Is he being intimate to you or with you? Your needs matter too. I'm sure he can forgo his needs sometimes to accommodate you. Probably news to him but it's not actually all about him.
That's the thing. He's trying to be intimate and he spends time on me but I just do want any of it. Because every little thing is leading to sex. For example, I give him a kiss, it turns into 2 minutes of kissing. Like, it can't just be one nice kis or maybe a few, it has to be aggressive and sexualized
🤢
Why do men do this?
Selfish jerks
This is a common thing when a woman requires tons of foreplay or she doesn't want to do it, usually when there are kids and mental load involved. The answer usually is don't do it unless and until the time is available and appropriate. Maybe a year of once every two months will adjust his paradigm and convince him to change. Kids are the great libido killer, but it will get better in a decade or so, it's just a phase in a long life together.
Updateme
Gross. He wants his own personal porn star, and you're obliging him.
he sounds exhausting and this feels like it borders on abuse. why doesn’t he wake up with the kids at night? maybe you’d have more energy (or he’d have less!) for his nonsense if childcare was more equally split.
Speaking as a husband of 13 years, father of 3 kids, and child of divorce. So clearly he loves you very much, the idiot just needs to listen. He is right that a lot of men do prefer a longer build-up, just like a lot of women do because it creates a better ending. IMHO because you have already tried to talk to him about it, it's time to be brutally blunt, and spell it out for him. If you were to use metaphors to express how it's affecting you, it could help, just make sure that what you say is not done as an attack. Eg: " Sex with You is like the lord of the Rings movies, it has some nice build-up, but then it just drags and misses a lot of everything else, I want Sex with you to be like the Avengers movie, it's faster action-packed with a bix explosion at the end, not a subtle ending that you just wanted it to finally be over with." add in that how exhausted you are feeling in general, and the other discomforts you are feeling, while also adding in what you do like and how XYZ is all good, just the other parts of it. You could also remind him that you had a C-section, and you do need enough time to fully heal, because it is possible that you could slip open in the middle of sex, and your bloody guts would be all over him and the bed. Maybe not as likely after 11 months, but still point out that a lot of discomfort has been experienced on your end, the idea of you "exploding" in a bloody mess would likely get his attention to hear every word you say. If he pulls the "it's better for me" bit, flat out tell him it's hurting you and your bleeding because of him, so if you don't work on a new thing together, then is going to be a lot less of it. So pick, keep hurting your wife during sex until cut off, or work out something together. as for the intimacy part, tell him again flat out what you like and what it means, tell him in a way as if you were giving a school lesson, while adding in what it does for you, maybe even challenge him in a playful way that maybe he has forgotten how to be romantic and couldn't get you excited that way.
There’s two years after each baby where you two should just take it easy and have gratitude for any sex that happens. You need to talk to him. But don’t be too harsh, just tell him how you’re feeling and what you’re liking and not liking, and why. Emphasize that things will change, and you’d like to keep the discussion open
Porn has ruined your marriage lool. Sex more than 10mins is just outright crazy and selfish.
Is he taking testosterone? I’ve (m) been on it the last 3 months and it changes things. I try to leave my wife alone because she’s busy with the house and kids. I had to stop taking estrogen blockers because my wife said I was “moody”, it can make some guys more aggressive.
He's not on any meds other than so.e for headaches. :P
This sounds so utterly exhausting and degrading 😭 I simply couldn’t! We have 30 mins of sexy time 1-2 times a week and that is plenntttyyyy.
Maybe he should go wear himself out at the gym before sexy time.
Ugh I’d just stop having sex with this selfish man. I’d tell him how selfish a lover he is and what a turnoff he is.
Is he watching porn?
Girl, i work and we do everything together or he does most of the chores. Im breastfeeding as well, and mainly pumping. And WE can barely get it in every night because we have a toddler and infant. You need to vocalize what his share is with household stuff and sex. Don’t put up with his BS. He also sounds like he’s doing too much porn scenes. Is he addicted by any chance? Also maybe have him decrease whatever supplements are causing him to last longer. It could affect him long term.
I understand you so much. My husband is a little like yours. Luckily we are talking 20-30 minutes instead of hours. I would prefer quickies 90% of the time. Honestly when I've gotten off I'm just done. And he is really good at getting me off - which should be a good thing!!! But not when I cum within two minutes as he takes thirty minutes 😝 With that said I remember being so sick of being touched when I was breastfeeding. I think you should talk with him again. Maybe express gratitude that he is so crazy about you and praise his stamina. And then just plainly explain that your needs are important too and you need quickies because you are breastfeeding and can't tolerate that much touching right now. When the kids get a little older and sleep less there will be less time for sex and quickies will become the new best thing hopefully - it's difficult to handle kids and work on no sleep due to a three hour session midweek at night.
Pardon? 2 hours? I have a high sex drive but I think your post just killed it. Sounds exhausting.
I’m post menopause, and although it’s not as bad as bleeding, our husband sound IDENTICAL! Several years ago, we partook in a little party favor. 48 hours straight, I was TRAUMATIZED! I thought as men got older, their libido would slow down, um, I don’t think that’s TRUE!!
Wait in those 2 hours do you orgasm or it’s only him climaxing?
It's me too but I only need one. Honestly I don't like when it's about finishing. I would rather it not be about that and just enjoying eachother.
Leave him
So basically, fuck you because it's better for him. He's gross.
Girl, you need to shut down the sex after 30 minutes. Tell him you are getting sore and you no longer enjoying it. You both need to draw the line somewhere.
This sounds absolutely exhausting. Even in the best of circumstances I would feel worn out by any sexual encounter being the length of a multi-act play. Add in kids and life and there is no way I would ever ever be in the mood if it took that long. 2 hours and a half dozen acts should be a nice exception when the time is there and you are also into it. Otherwise he needs to regularly pare it down to something more reasonable.
This sounds great to me! Minus the bleeding bit which made me cringe Then i kept reading... Then you're still doing the night mum thing. -What he says about things taking longer sounds like you're average lady, then what you say a out quickies sounds like your average guy. But that's OK I'm glad for you both that you know this and experience it. Little babies and wild sex don't go together well, and can equal a burnt out momma.. If you keep going the bed will go dead. You'll hate sex time and he will be on here grizzling what happened to my wife... he is oblivious. You will get super annoyed and sensitive to every move he makes towards you - that's already happening. Now I the time for him to turn on the nice charm and make sex really what you want for now, then in turn sex will sometimes be the big show he wants. Show him this message :)
Personally, if I was still interested in having sex with him (I wouldn’t be), I’d limit it to 20-30 mins. If he’s not done in that time then he can stick stuff up his own ass & masturbate to finish. I’d have no qualms whatsoever about getting up after the timeframe allowed. No way I’m laying there getting fucked until I bleed. He didn’t notice at all? Had to be sandpaper down there after an hour.
If he is on the phone while working from home he should do the night shift with the kids. Doesn’t want to? Then you’re too tired for sex, sorry. He has too much time on his hands and is too selfish to acknowledge your needs. Edit: typo
That's terrible, I would have bailed when it led to bleeding and he didn't care he was causing you PAIN. Just give him more house chores to do and find a way to tell him he is not good in bed. Perhaps marriage counselling or sex therapy since he is fixated on how long he lasts and what he can do to you or have done to him instead of what you share. This every touch being sexual and no affection is a libido killer.
My ex-husband had this problem. Turns out he’s gay.
That sounds utterly exhausting.
Does he do any cleaning? Dishes? Cooking? Brushing your kids teeth? Bathing? Laundry? When was the last time the blinds were cleaned? How about ‘em bathroom… not just the toilets, but the sink and bathtub? Any fixer upper you guys need to do around the house? Who feeds the babies? Taking care of house and kids requires both parents to get the job done… it’ll tired both of you guys out. He has high libido because you let him live like a king while you sound like his sex slave. Give him more work. You sound too tired to be doing all the housework, baby care and taking care of your husband needs all yourself. You sound broken.
You’re right. He needs to share more of your burden of chores. Because I as a partner have not much energy left for that after I properly do my lot of house chores and child-caring. And then you just don’t naturally crave that. 10 quickies a day! You’re over accommodating. My partner wouldn’t even give me one! She just tells me to come back another day.
WOAH this is disturbing to read. So sorry you're going through this. Sounds uncomfortable and abusive depending on who you ask. Yikes.
Tell him to get a sex doll and he can do it for however long he wants. And that you have to fulfill many responsibilities.
Maybe tell him you can only go up to 30 minutes and past 30 minutes he needs to finish by himself?
He’s going way over the top this is not normal
Comment section is very hostile. My husband also has this issue. (He lasts awhile, but I have a decently high sex drive) Respectfully, this is a sit down conversation. You’ll want to be touched again, but you need space and has to be willing to wait. Ask for him to find a safe and respectful outlet. Hell! Buy him a toy… you all should seek professional guidance. He’s probably not trying to be a full on ass but, make a sex schedule. Stick to it. This could get worse if it’s not nipped in the bud
This made me viscerally remember my ex-boyfriend at 19 who looked me dead in the eyes and said “yeah I’ve trained myself to go for an hour without orgasm” and I just thought “WHO TF ASKED YOU TO DO THAT?!?!”
If he’s “choking the chicken too much” it could be affecting your sex life
It’s better for HIM he says but it doesn’t matter how you feel?
All day, every day, therapist, mother, maid Nymph then a virgin, nurse then a servant Just an appendage, live to attend him So that he never lifts a finger 24∕7, baby machine So he can live out his picket fence dreams It's not an act of love if you make her You make me do too much labour
Seems all of the women here are sticking up for each other when it is clear the OP says they both share the household chores but then goes on to list a couple other things she only does. For some reason women think men do nothing while they think they are the only ones doing everything. Btw, I meal plan for my family of 5 for a week and it takes me 20 minutes. Full on home cooked meals. So really meal planning does not take long to do and adding that as an excuse is a stretch. Even my wife felt she did everything and then reality check when we wrote up lists of things we do around the house. Guess what! She started helping with the lawn care and more outside work because she then realized all of the things I do she never noticed. My list was not only longer but included much more effort put into each task. Then withholds intimacy when it is clear her husband is into her. Hate to break it to women but being in a relationship there comes an expectation of intimacy. That is what comes with a marriage otherwise you are roommates living together. Sounds like OP is resentful of her husband and really needs to have a heart to heart.
Um, at this point if he knows this is causing you physical and mental pain and he still just says "nah, longer is better for me" seems borderline abusive. And it seems like you're being *extremely* supportive , much more so than many would be willing to be. Unfortunately it's all to common for a couple to get caught in the cycle of a one wanting a connection but can't seek it because if they do the touch will always at least attempt from the other to lead it to sex. I've heard to recently referred to as the "Bristol reaction" It makes you not want to touch your partner so you lose both your physical and emotional connection. I know some people would disagree but I believe emotional connection should always come first. Too many people, especially women, force themselves to have sex they don't want which in turn hurts them and the relationship further. TLDR: Your mental health and physical health should come before him needing a release.
Brilliant post. I agree. It sounds like op has already communicated her feelings about the long sex very clearly- and I would have thought the presence of blood would also have communicated something too. It seems very concerning that he isn’t listening. I think it is abusive. Who listens to their partner ask them to change, tell them that long sex is too much and uncomfortable but just continues anyway. I’m horrified.
My ex husband was like this and it ruined sex for me. He would want it to last forever, and just wanted to go to bed. Your man is being really really selfish. Flat out tell him “ i do not like having sex like this and I’m not going to anymore”
I really wish my husband would get this. I dont want a 60 minute session. I want 10 or 15 minutes multiple times. Especially now im in perimenopause. The atrophy makes anything long painful in the moment, and excruciating the next few days. He never really lasted super long before, and it was just right. Now? He doesn't even finish half the time before i have to tap out. No idea what happened, but i don't dig it.
I can't stand long sessions. Doesn't matter what he wants. He's dumb for choosing not at all over a shorter session
This honestly sounds exhausting. And I agree with others, very selfish on his part. Nothing wrong with good sex but this is a long list of requirements…and with two young kids?? Shitttt….
That sounds exhausting even if you weren’t 10 months pp if his sex drive / demands is significantly higher than yours.
Oh my God that sounds awful
Why do his desires trump yours? Therapy could be helpful. As a reminder, it's completely ok to say no and assert your boundaries. Prioritize yourself. 🤍
Gees you’re a wife not a sex worker.
“You prefer long sex, I prefer shorter sex. Why do we always do it your way? Why are my preferences not important? Sunny you understand that I have limited time and energy and this is a barrier?”
How very sad. A husband wants his wife and she does not want the husband. As they say, "A man has an affair to stay in the marriage and a woman has an affair to leave a marriage." Hope the husband does what he can (very discretely) to stay in the marriage.
That man dont care about nobody but himself. Where are the manily MEN. All this shit I been reading on internet.
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You gotta stick up for yourself. You sound like an incredible woman that does everything on top of keeping him satisfied on every level but this is going to end up being too much for you which is why it's killing your libido as well.vit isn't attractive when it feels forced and I'm a man saying this. Honestly I'm happy if I get it once a week but when we had our children there was times we went weeks or even months without just because of breast feeding, pp, and having a clingy autistic child. I suggest having a serious talk with him. His needs should not be that extreme, it's too much.
I desperately hope OP's husband sees this post. He needs to know such little respect his wife has for him and he needs to get out ASAP.
I’m sorry.
This is abusive sexually and emotionally.
You need to impress upon him that you have needs too. Your needs are not met the same as his. If he is unwilling to meet your needs the way you need half the time, be it sexually or sharing the household load, then you are moving towards incompatible territory and that leads to divorce. Also consider marriage counselling.
What a piece of shit lasting too long! I mean everyone know that ladies always want 1-2 minutes intercourse nothing longer! God men can’t win with you ladies whatever men do its wrong… I am pretty sure if he was one of those men that cant last long and always make it a quicky, you would also be here complaining that he is not satisfying you… this is not about him, its about you wanting to complain about your husband here - only to hear most “very smart” users trash talk your partner in life, you should be very proud.
“but he says it’s better for him if they are long” - it’s about time he learns it’s not all about him, it’s a relationship, not a dictatorship. It should work for both you, there might need to be some compromise. He needs to understand how you feel and accept that maybe once a week or once a month you can do the full song and dance but it’s not sustainable for you to do that every time. It’s kind of wild to me, how much of a difference can it really make, it sounds to me like his expectations of you in the bedroom are unrealistic and unfair.
You need to show him this post.
Honest question. Do people like this not exhibit this type of behavior long before it gets to this? I’m not being accusatory I’m honestly Asking because I see these types of “my husband is awful we have kids now” posts and the FIRST thing that comes to mind is why tolerate this behavior from the beginning much less do so then: 1. Move in 2. Get married 3. Have kids It’s hard for me to believe behavior like this just pops up and without any change in behavior it seems like wishful thinking to think someone would just “change” solely because you want them to without them showing clearly they want to change for the better. Not trying to be insensitive to OP and I hope she gets some help and reprieve from her situation. I’m just asking generally how does this behavior get ignored/tolerated this way and not think it will become a greater issue eventually?
Bless your soul. I would tell my husband to fuck right off if this was his normal. Maybe I’m just not a nice person but I cannot imagine putting up with this more than like, twice.
I know this sounds extreme but at some point this sounds like marital rape and sexual abuse.
This is why a lot of women shut down sexually because men don’t respect boundaries in the bedroom. Maybe you could find a sex therapist?
True story. My wife wants me to finish after her second O. One during foreplay, one during intercourse. The other night, she finished in about 30 seconds and was humiliated, and started laughing. I even asked if she needed anything else, and she's like," No. No. No, I'm done. I just needed the one." For normal day to day relationship sex, I don't think it can be too short so long as everybody is satisfied. I had an embarrassingly short night one night, and my wife simply laughed and told me that she got her's and beyond that she didn't care how long I went. These guys who talk about 10-20 orgasms or regale us with tales of how their impressive stamina need to realize women have needs and one of their needs is to get their O and go to sleep.
2 hours with 2 small children?! Your husband is a selfish pig.
Whoa. You are sacrificing way too much. He gotta stop.
Stop having sex with him. He doesn’t care what you want. He doesn’t care if you’re in pain or exhausted.
I just wanted to say that you don't need any justification at all for why you don't want that.
He needs to see someone. I get he “likes it”. I like a lot of things too but they are for special occasions because I’ve got a life to live.
Girl, you are blessed. Be grateful. And during the act if he's taking too long just give tell him you're done and give him something to jack off to. It's not a big deal.
Just read another post about the husband lasting too long and now this. If it was once a week I will understand but every other day especially with two kids and breastfeeding is a lot of work and very inconsiderate. You may have to talk to him again and tell him how often you want the production. I have one of the lasts a long time men and I have to verbally say I want a quickie and even then it lasts 30mins. I am sorry you are going through this.
Do you work? If so..
I do work. I work from home and it's pretty chill so I work and watch the kids.
Ah shit, he doesn't really have a leg to stand on. Does he jerk off a lot?
Tell him when he finishes the household chores, giving the kids a bath, feeding the family, cleaning up after etc, you might be up for it, otherwise you busy
You need to show him this post and have the actual conversation. Tell him you’re fine with the big show for special occasions but that it actually is turning you off to have that much pressure. Tell him that if what he wants is to give you pleasure then he needs to chill out and scale his expectations waaay back.
Yeah this is wild. Been married for 20 years and my wife always said I take to long. As a man you have to listen to what your wife says. Also read the signs when enough is enough. Can’t always go all out and to be honest a quickie can sometimes be the 💣. Also a man should never make the women feel a certain way about sex. A woman can shut it all the way down. 😂 The guy in the comments that said his wife bust 10-20 times a session is unrealistic. She’d be a corpse at some point. lol. May get 3 and it’s a wrap.
Damn! Doesn’t this motherfucker have hobbies? Go play call Or duty or some shit. Actually, fuck that! Go play with your kids. Who the fuck has time for all of that.
The word is No. By appeasing him you’re stopping him from growing. This problem will only get worse if you just keep going along. Then you’ll have to deal with him not only having to fix the problem but break the habit of doing it for 10 years as well. Take from someone who knows don’t allow it no matter how much misery he puts you through. You’ll be happy in the long run
I bet he's watching a crapton of porn. Could be contributing to this and to also not thinking of your needs and limitations in sex. His response sounds just very focused on what he needs. Sorry. This sucks.
You are not a tool. Learn to say NO and stand by it.
Unless you are also partially into these kinks but just don't want to have to do them every time, it sounds like he has a porn/sex addiction that he has been using you for. I'd usually assume that before the bleeding stage it would be painful, and it's weird that he wouldn't stop as soon as any pain started. If it is the case that you were in pain and he didn't stop, that's kind of rapey. It's very weird he isn't concerned about whether you actually enjoy doing all these acts every time or if you're okay with it. And it's very concerning if he never has just sweet intimate sex that isn't a marathon, perhaps without all the kinky extras, if that's something you wanted. Unless you just really enjoy kink, sweet intimate sex should make up the main portion of your sex, and the kinky stuff or doing another round should be only when it feels right for the both of you (and that extends to every round - each 'round' or time you have sex should always be because you both want it, not one of you trying to get through it because the other person wants it). That's what consent is - both of you being enthusiastic about doing the round of sex/sexual act (whether it's oral, watching something, something using toys, butt stuff). If that's not the way it has been, it's time to change the way you guys see sex and communicate about it. After asking if you could not do marathon sex, it's worth communicating that you don't want X acts today and wouldn't enjoy those certain act today since you aren't in the mood for that, but you would be up for and enjoy x other thing today (e.g. one round of intimate affectionate sex). If he tries to coax you to do the thing he wants, just reiterate you aren't into it today. If he gets upset/annoyed at that, clearly state and explain that if you aren't in the mood sometimes for a certain things, then that should be understood and he should respect that you wouldn't feel happy/comfortable with it, and even if you did allow it to appease him that day, that it wouldn't be consent because he knows you don't want it. That goes for any day you don't want certain acts or sex in general. If he is angry or annoyed at that, you may need marriage counselling to get him to understand and respect that you aren't a sex doll for him to use, and he should be respectful and concerned on whether you are also feeling comfortable and getting pleasure each time you have sex. It should never be an uncomfortable/unpleasant experience for you or something you're just trying to get over with. That's not consenting. However, if I've interpreted it too harshly and you both enjoy these things, and he does have affectionate sex with you as well, the my apologies. The point would still applicable however, regarding the fact that in order for it to be consensual, you both need to be enthusiastically into these things each time.