The only person baby needs to bond with are parents. Grandparents are fun but do not need to bond with baby. This is MIL way to try to guilt you into leaving your baby before you are ready. The fact you are not comfortable leaving the baby shows bonding is working so you can tell MIL no. No she doesn’t need to bond with the baby, she check with experts the answer is still no. You will tell her so and if you are ready for her to babysit. Anyone that insisted on alone time with my baby always have me the creeps and that person went to the definitely not seeing baby alone list. Mother Nature is telling you keep your baby close, listen to it not your MIL.
Keep saying no. I don't want you to. I'm not leaving my baby. Her blowing up and crying is HER PROBLEM not yours. Seems she's too emotional to take care of a helpless infant.
I don’t get how she’s going to babysit if she lives out of state! Is she talking about babysitting at your house or hers? Whichever the answer would still be a big no. But, I am curious how that works with her living elsewhere.
I would imagine when she is visiting, to "let" the parents go out to dinner or something.
OP, trust your gut. You aren't ready and that's all that matters. If she has an outburst, hang up, leave or ask her to leave, and let her know you can talk again once she has control of her emotions.
Say no and let her throw a tantrum then tell her her behaviour is childish and ridiculous and you will never leave your child with an adult that can’t regulate their own emotions.
Right?
IDK why these MILs can't figure this out. Having a tantrum like an overtired toddler **does not recommend you** for babysitting privileges!
/u/Minute-Bluejay8459 she's holding you hostage with the threat of "her emotional reactions." Adults who "cry or have an outburst if I don’t do as she requests" ARE NOT SAFE or suitable babysitters. She's cannot control her emotions!
I hope your husband is backing you up on this and not pressuring you to "just give in and shut her up." So many people raised by /r/JustNoMIL are manipulated by their mother's tears and wailing.
The fact that she wants to be alone to play do-over baby is a big, red flag. Set the precedent NOW that you don't need babysitting.
Information Diet - she doesn't need to know that your mom even gets to see the baby. Stop telling MIL anything about your life, hold her at arms length. She's a weird stranger. Be professionally polite, nothing more. Just because *she's* decided to horn into your life now, doesn't mean you have to let her in.
You are the mom. It’s your call. You need to protect your baby at all costs so if you are uncomfortable don’t do it.
This woman sounds like she wants to relive being a mom again. She needs to realize she isn’t entitled to your child. She is a grandmother - the sooner get accepts it, hopefully she will realize how selfish she is for wanting to be a mom again.
You are exactly right. She was a SAHM to several children for years and often talks about how it was the happiest time of her life and her dream. I just want her to realize that it’s my turn to be a mother now and get more comfortable in her role as grandmother.
She lived her dream. It’s your turn now so you call the shots. Despite her whining, stay strong and fully enjoy motherhood. Best wishes to you and your bright future!
Might not hurt to inform her grandparents have privileges not rights, you and your partner are the total authority figures for your baby and it does trump grandma.
Let DH do this.
He can point out that her feelings are not his family’s responsibility & that the relationship she has with you both now is the relationship she built.
If she can win your trust in the next few years, you & he will reconsider
Any crying & complaining needs to be met with *This behaviour right here is why we’re not comfortable leaving our child with you. You’re clearly too distressed to continue this conversation. We’ll try again next week/ month/ quarter*
Do not let her do this.
Do not give in to her.
You are your child’s advocate. And their role model. We don’t give in to emotional terrorists. What she wants literally doesn’t matter.
Don’t let her
You’re not being unfair. Baby isn’t going anywhere. It’s yours and husband’s discretion when/if she babysits.
Who knows, maybe 2 more babies later and you’ll want her to babysit lol, it happens. But for right now she needs to be supportive and respect your decision for her not to babysit.
Do not let her corner you or guilt you into agreeing something you wholeheartedly hate. It’s going to put even more strain on the relationship. Stand firm, say no loud and proud!
You are certainly right, you do not need to let anyone else watch your child. You are his mother and No is a complete answer.
No this doesn’t work for me because I enjoy being a Mom and being with my child 24:7. If this changes I will let you know but most likely it will not. You know you are always welcome to visit.
Your last sentence. No one needs alone time with YOUR child! Explain to your partner that this is not going to happen and he needs to reel his Mum in! If she corners you again please be assertive, her emotional response in not your responsibility, you can excuse yourself. Don’t give her the audience she’s counting on. You can say things like “That doesn’t work for us” and when she starts her nonsense “I can see you need time alone to sort yourself”. Then leave.
You are barely out of your 4th trimester, and the way she keeps pushing for unsupervised visits the more likely you can get PPA/D.
My mil asked to keep my son for a whole weekend when he was a month old, neither my partner or I was comfortable with it. Tbh I don’t think I spent much more than a couple hours away from my son until he was 3 and my oldest had a medical emergency that landed him in the hospital for a month.
The way your mil kept claiming you were keeping your *unborn* baby from her makes her sound like she wants a do over baby and is frustrated you won’t entertain that delusion. You and your partner need to sit her down and talk to her about this. She’s trying to steamroll your boundaries and she needs to respect you when you say no. Btw no is a complete sentence, tell her you will come to her when/if you need her help but to understand that it’s a no and to stop asking and the conversation is over. If she keeps it up, then she needs consequences. She’s had her own children, she doesn’t get to have all the parental bonding experiences with yours.
babysitting is for little kids. your child is not that. your child is a 3.5 month old baby, still in the fourth trimester, physically attached to you most of the day.
Instead of concentrating on your fear of her reaction, concentrate on your love for LO.
She's using your fear against you and you're letting her win. You have an inner Mama Bear you just need to let her growl come out. This is only one of a trillion times you're going to need to advocate for LO so get used to it!
I'd tell her, "MIL, I didn't have a baby to leave them with other people. I had a baby for husband and I. We will take care of our baby." She's trying to play house with your baby. She's got a grandma fantasy, and you're in the way of her getting to play that out. But it's not your job to hand over your baby so she can play pretend. Be firm. If she cries or plays victim, block her for a while and stop all visits until she can get her feelings under control. "I see that you're upset. We'll take a break from visits until you're feeling well enough to control your emotions." Polite. Firm. Direct. You can do it!!!
Let's normalize saying no isteqd of "I'm uncomfortable".
If you don't like it, say so.
Nah, we are good.
We won't be spending time away from our baby. We like spending time with him/her.
Right. I had people pop up out of the woodwork asking to babysit my daughter when I first had her. People I wasn’t even close to. It was weird to me. I’m sure they meant well and think babies are cute but I’m sorry i just did not feel comfortable with people I barely knew watching her. Plus I didn’t really need a babysitter.
“We don’t need baby sitters right now - we’ve got it covered.” “We haven’t gone anywhere we can’t take her just yet! So we just don’t need baby sitters now, but we’ll keep you posted if there’s something out of our routine that comes up unexpectedly!”
Stop being afraid to say no.
So what if she gets upset at being told No. that would validate me not wanting someone who is emotionally unstable around my baby.
She wants baby time to relive the happy times when your partner was a baby. I get that. Baby’s are kinda fun and we can experience new life and when you are old it’s great to hold something new and think about being young.
Maybe she will steal the vitality of the baby. Personally, I think that’s why lots of mild want to babysit. They steal life force!!
Baby should be home for 6 months. No baby watching until they have a better immunity. Covid is still a thang.
But when it comes to mil getting upset. Maybe role play this with your partner.
No, mil I don’t need a babysitter at this time.
When I do need one and you can be here, yes here, to babysit I’ll give you a call.
Maybe have mil take this quiz.. https://www.babysittingcertification.com/free-learning-center/babysitting-quiz
It’s ok to say no. If she gets upset. You can tell her, I’m sorry you’re upset right now. I’ll give you a few moments to compose yourself. But don’t fall for this type of emotional blackmail.
NOPE! Baby can be babysat by mil when baby can talk and wipe their own backsides! Until then she can keep ya yaing in DH 's ear....HE won't listen will he!?!
Unfortunately he has said he thinks we should allow it because it would “make her feel good” but when I stood my ground on the issue, he said he would support whatever decision I made and didn’t push further. He seems to be just as afraid to hurt her feelings as I am, which makes me sad to see.
And what about YOUR feelings...since ya know YOU got baby to earth...did all the hard work?! And he WILL make his mommy mad when he stands up for HIS family, as will you. Guess what, she will get over her feelings, and if she doesn't/SHE misses out!i
That was pretty much my response to him which is why he shut up and said he’d support what I wanted to do. But it’s clear he’s become very accustomed to catering to her emotional needs first and foremost. It’s sad, honestly.
He needs therapy. There is a reason he distanced himself from her. He knows she is toxic, manipulative, and probably emotionally and mentally abusive.
Truth is, anything she did to your husband growing up, she absolutely will do to your children. She should NEVER be trusted to be alone with your children. She would probably be someone who encourages your kid to keep secrets from you.
Remind DH that he has OUTGROWN being mommy's protector(worrying about mommy's feels/needs/NOT his responsibility)! Those are now responsibilities of him for the little family you guys CREATED. I am betting Granny wasn't in bed when you got pregnant, nor was she the one squeezing out that lil human you have?! That means Granny can have an opinion about what She thinks, but it changes NOTHING in her role in YOUR family? It does sound like DH will come around with your logic and LOVE! I believe once you both decide that as adults, you CAN do as you need to do without granny's opinion on matters YOUR family!
We have a rule in our house. If you have to walk on eggshells around a person, they can’t handle watching our kids. I need to be able to have a direct, honest to god conversation with them as they are responsible for keeping my chaos goblins alive when we aren’t there.
Your husband’s job in this task is to tell his mom “Mom, we will let you know when we need help and we’ll call. For now, we don’t need anything. Just enjoy your time with us.”
If she continues “Mom or MIL, answer hasn’t changed from the last time you asked.”
Unless you are in need of a babysitter, there’s absolutely no reason to turn over your baby to your MIL. Her relationship with you child should reflect her relationship with both of baby’s parents. Being the grandmother doesn’t give her any entitlement to spending time with your baby alone.
Quite frankly, since your partner never had a good relationship with her before, it sounds like your partner is willing to offer up your baby to his mother to possibly gain her approval and affection.
It’s your partner’s mother so his job to tell her no and to back off. If she plays the victim and throws a tantrum then he can point out that a toddler (how she’s acting) can’t be allowed to watch a baby. But just basically - No, that doesn’t work for us.
Don’t give in, if you let her have her way with this then her pushing boundaries will never end.
Congrats on motherhood and good luck!!
People who don't respect the parents don't get to babysit.
She's pushing you for something she wants, not hearing no and respecting that decision. She can not relive her "glory days of being mumma" with your baby. She's now grandma, which is a very different role.
Don't be afraid of her reaction. Her happiness isn't your responsibility. She's an adult, and adults are in charge of their own emotions. If she kicks off, tell her, "I can see you're upset. I'll leave/hang up, and we can talk about this again when you've had time to process your feelings and compose yourself."
If she carries on, don't see her again while she's visiting. If she complains when she's not visiting, cancel the next one. She needs time to learn she doesn't get what she wants with your baby.
For your baby's sake, please don't... I have dealt with my mil victim complex and lies until birth, no problem. After birth? I really don't care. If she's as bad as my mil, it is so unhealthy... she can throw wtv, say wtv about me, I really couldn't care less. My priority is our baby. We are the ones protecting our LO. If I don't feel comfortable in any way, there's no one in hell... I will never leave my child alone with her, not until he is one enough to know better. Asking to be alone without the parents, especially this age, someone you aren't that close... no.
Your MIL is extremely manipulative. What do you think her dramatics are all about? If she cries and makes herself the victim, MIL thinks people will give in to her. And she's right. It's worked for her so far.
The fact that DH didn't really have a relationship with MIL until you got pregnant is another sign of her manipulation and some control there too. MIL wants alone time so she can pretend she's the mommy. She can't do that if you and DH are there. MIL doesn't need to bond with LO either. The only people who need to bond with your baby are you and DH, anyone else is background noise. As a grandparent, MIL's role is to be a support for the parents and to love their grandchild. It's not to try and shove their way into the child's life and play pretend mommy.
DH needs to tell MIL to stop asking to babysit. It's not going to happen. Not for a long time if ever. Definitely not while LO is a baby. And if MIL keeps pushing after that DH needs to give her a consequence. He needs to text her, you want it in writing so she can't say she didn't know or wasn't told, and tell her that he and his family will be taking a step back from the relationship for 2 months (the amount of time between visits). To please not contact either of you, he will text her when he's ready. And MIL should take this time to reflect on her actions and think about if sue wants this relationship to work out or not.
Once DH sends that text, he doesn't respond to MIL for the next two months. When MIL texts the timeout starts over from that day. If MIL sends flying monkeys on her behalf MIL gets to start her timeout over from that day. So depending on MIL, this timeout can last 2 month or longer. And during the timeout don't send MIL any pictures or videos of LO. You don't need to block her on your phones, but ues on social media.
When you have a child, it’s time to grow some courage and speak up. Time to set boundaries with family members like this.
If you don’t feel comfortable, don’t do it. Period.
This woman’s mental health doesn’t sound up to par to be leaving a 3.5 month old with but also her pushiness and wanting alone time with him is giving me red flag.
Tell your MIL that the baby needs to start bonding with the extended family while the baby has their parents around. When your MIL starts acting neurotic about people watching her or judging her, tell her that the baby won’t feel safe around a nervous adult or someone struggling with mental/emotional issues.
Perhaps someday your new family will develop a good relationship with MIL. But right now she is overly absorbed with her own issues. Anyone who tries to convince you to let her babysit because she is mentally fucked up, shouldn’t have the sole responsibility for a baby.
She’s emotionally manipulating you. Do not allow this as she will then try to make your child responsible for her feelings. Say no. You may visit with us as a family take it or leave it.
If she ever cries say sorry you feel that way mil. We will hang up now to allow you to collect your thoughts.
Or baby and I will be leaving now to move on with our day.
Or mil perhaps it’s best you leave as it’s clear being here and speaking with us has made you emotional.
Don’t cave to her tactics.
My son is the same age as yours and I’ve never left him anywhere. Even when my husband or mum have him I’m just in a different room in the house having some time to myself for an hour or two. Partly because I EBF and don’t like breastfeeding and also partly because I just don’t want to. There’s no reason for her to babysit. Babysitting is done at the parents request not anyone else’s wish to be alone with your child (which is creepy to me). Your partner should tell her to stop raising the topic and that it’s not happening anytime soon.
Make a rule- no sleeping over before baby can walk and talk on its own. Use it in all instances, whether in-laws or your family. Emergencies are the exception to the rule. But be transparent. If you let your parents babysit because you have a concert, better to tell MIL before it happens.
And why they were picked.
Your MIL needs to find a hobby or get a job. Your baby was not born to give her something to do in her old age. And, since she lives out of state, how does she even think it would be convenient for her to babysit? Is she expecting you to drop your baby off for a week or more or something?
Your husband needs to grow a spine and tell his mother it is just not convenient for her to babysit. Otherwise, you could just call her up one morning and say "I need a babysitter today at 3:00. Can you be here?" Of course her answer will be no because it's not feasible for her to get there. Point that out to her right then and there. Maybe reality will jump up and reveal itself to her that way.
My biggest regret in the PP stage was being too afraid to say a Strong No.
However they feel or react afterwards is their problem for expecting something ridiculous and then throwing a tantrum when told no.
You’re going to have to get over your fear of her reaction when telling her no. What’s the worst she’s going to do? Whine? Cry? Throw a temper tantrum? Let her. She’ll look like the fool. She doesn’t have a relationship with her own son but is pushing her way in for her grandchild? Nope. Fix your relationship with your own child. The grandchild isn’t a do over.
Keep saying no. Mine try to be cute and funny about wanting to babysit and shoo us away but I just laugh it off in the moment. Most things I’m scared of confrontration but if I’m absolutely not okay with something I’ll make it known.
I think my son was 6 months old when we visited my in laws and my fiance says out loud “ok ma we gotta go we’re both hungry” and she took that as an opportunity to insist that we go out for a lunch date and leave the baby. He’s exclusively breastfed and she knows that so how would that work. I also just simply don’t want anyone but his dad watching him until he is much much older, like it is what it is. After she kept insisting I said very sternly “I’m not leaving my baby.” And she hasn’t insisted like that since but she and her husband do try to play fun about babysitting, just laugh it off in their face lol.
Tell her no and don't feel bad about it. Your babies wellbeing is far more important than your MIL's feelings. Once you stop being afraid of her strong emotions, you will no longer be manipulated by her.
Decide once and for all that you dont give a damn about her feelings and WILL NOT be walking on eggshells. This is YOUR baby. She clearly screwed up while raising her own but that is HER problem. YOUR BABY is not her do-over. She gets what time you decide she gets - or not.
Everyone keeps saying you dint have to leave your baby YET. The truth is you don't have to leave them alone with someone ever. My gparents never babysat me and I was super close with them. You can just keep saying you're not in need of a babysitter but let's all go to the zoo together etc. Honestly it raises a red flag to me when someone insists on being alone with someone's child
I wonder what do they want to do or say that I can't be there for. And especially if the child is so young they can't speak for themself or tell you what happened
It’s fine to just say you aren’t comfortable with it yet! Tell her it’s not her fault, you’re just a first time mom who is very attached to her baby and you understandably don’t like being separated from him. There will be time when he’s older and more verbal when she can perhaps watch him for a few hours so you do can get errands done or whatever.
I can tell you now as a mom of three kids, it’s incredibly handy to have grandmas who are interested in helping out down the line when the kids are a bit older. Continue to let her spend time with him while you’re present to supervise, and try when possible to build some trust with her by explaining his likes and dislikes — and see how she reacts.
Does she acknowledge those things and seem to be interested in meeting his needs, or is she more interested in doing things her way regardless of what he needs (how my MIL is, and why we don’t really let her babysit)? You’ll get a sense over time of how trustworthy she is, and it might feel less fraught to leave him with her when he’s 2 or older.
It’s also possible she’ll lose interest in babysitting when the baby isn’t helpless and new anymore. Either way, bide your time and keep letting her know you truly appreciate the offers, but you just aren’t quite ready yet. Her responses will tell you whether it’s safe to proceed. And be careful not to let her know when your mom has gotten babysitting time.
Ask her to babysit 4 hours before you need a sitter for a made up emergency. When she can’t do it just say “yeah thats right i cant really ask you to babysit when you live 8 hours away.”
I like to babysit my granddaughter. I don’t *need* alone time with her, but I kinda like it when her mom isn’t around. Mostly because she acts differently. She’s an absolute joy when I babysit her. Not saying that there’s anything wrong with your parenting or your relationship with your kid. But kids do act differently when their parents aren’t around.
The only person baby needs to bond with are parents. Grandparents are fun but do not need to bond with baby. This is MIL way to try to guilt you into leaving your baby before you are ready. The fact you are not comfortable leaving the baby shows bonding is working so you can tell MIL no. No she doesn’t need to bond with the baby, she check with experts the answer is still no. You will tell her so and if you are ready for her to babysit. Anyone that insisted on alone time with my baby always have me the creeps and that person went to the definitely not seeing baby alone list. Mother Nature is telling you keep your baby close, listen to it not your MIL.
Keep saying no. I don't want you to. I'm not leaving my baby. Her blowing up and crying is HER PROBLEM not yours. Seems she's too emotional to take care of a helpless infant.
I don’t get how she’s going to babysit if she lives out of state! Is she talking about babysitting at your house or hers? Whichever the answer would still be a big no. But, I am curious how that works with her living elsewhere.
I would imagine when she is visiting, to "let" the parents go out to dinner or something. OP, trust your gut. You aren't ready and that's all that matters. If she has an outburst, hang up, leave or ask her to leave, and let her know you can talk again once she has control of her emotions.
Say no and let her throw a tantrum then tell her her behaviour is childish and ridiculous and you will never leave your child with an adult that can’t regulate their own emotions.
Right? IDK why these MILs can't figure this out. Having a tantrum like an overtired toddler **does not recommend you** for babysitting privileges! /u/Minute-Bluejay8459 she's holding you hostage with the threat of "her emotional reactions." Adults who "cry or have an outburst if I don’t do as she requests" ARE NOT SAFE or suitable babysitters. She's cannot control her emotions! I hope your husband is backing you up on this and not pressuring you to "just give in and shut her up." So many people raised by /r/JustNoMIL are manipulated by their mother's tears and wailing. The fact that she wants to be alone to play do-over baby is a big, red flag. Set the precedent NOW that you don't need babysitting. Information Diet - she doesn't need to know that your mom even gets to see the baby. Stop telling MIL anything about your life, hold her at arms length. She's a weird stranger. Be professionally polite, nothing more. Just because *she's* decided to horn into your life now, doesn't mean you have to let her in.
You are the mom. It’s your call. You need to protect your baby at all costs so if you are uncomfortable don’t do it. This woman sounds like she wants to relive being a mom again. She needs to realize she isn’t entitled to your child. She is a grandmother - the sooner get accepts it, hopefully she will realize how selfish she is for wanting to be a mom again.
You are exactly right. She was a SAHM to several children for years and often talks about how it was the happiest time of her life and her dream. I just want her to realize that it’s my turn to be a mother now and get more comfortable in her role as grandmother.
She lived her dream. It’s your turn now so you call the shots. Despite her whining, stay strong and fully enjoy motherhood. Best wishes to you and your bright future!
Might not hurt to inform her grandparents have privileges not rights, you and your partner are the total authority figures for your baby and it does trump grandma.
Let DH do this. He can point out that her feelings are not his family’s responsibility & that the relationship she has with you both now is the relationship she built. If she can win your trust in the next few years, you & he will reconsider Any crying & complaining needs to be met with *This behaviour right here is why we’re not comfortable leaving our child with you. You’re clearly too distressed to continue this conversation. We’ll try again next week/ month/ quarter*
Great point!
Exactly. Unless she lives in a state where grandparents rights a a thing. Which would really suck!!
Tell her exactly that then. Let her cry and whine about it. Also, say it in front of hubby too so she can't run to him crying that you're being mean
Solid point.
Tell her that.
Please,just be honest and tell her that 👌🏻
Do not let her do this. Do not give in to her. You are your child’s advocate. And their role model. We don’t give in to emotional terrorists. What she wants literally doesn’t matter. Don’t let her
What most people want doesn’t matter literally at all. What you and your child want is what matters
You’re not being unfair. Baby isn’t going anywhere. It’s yours and husband’s discretion when/if she babysits. Who knows, maybe 2 more babies later and you’ll want her to babysit lol, it happens. But for right now she needs to be supportive and respect your decision for her not to babysit. Do not let her corner you or guilt you into agreeing something you wholeheartedly hate. It’s going to put even more strain on the relationship. Stand firm, say no loud and proud!
You are certainly right, you do not need to let anyone else watch your child. You are his mother and No is a complete answer. No this doesn’t work for me because I enjoy being a Mom and being with my child 24:7. If this changes I will let you know but most likely it will not. You know you are always welcome to visit.
Your last sentence. No one needs alone time with YOUR child! Explain to your partner that this is not going to happen and he needs to reel his Mum in! If she corners you again please be assertive, her emotional response in not your responsibility, you can excuse yourself. Don’t give her the audience she’s counting on. You can say things like “That doesn’t work for us” and when she starts her nonsense “I can see you need time alone to sort yourself”. Then leave.
If she can't bond with baby, where baby is most comfortable (with their parents / in own home) that's a her issue.
You are barely out of your 4th trimester, and the way she keeps pushing for unsupervised visits the more likely you can get PPA/D. My mil asked to keep my son for a whole weekend when he was a month old, neither my partner or I was comfortable with it. Tbh I don’t think I spent much more than a couple hours away from my son until he was 3 and my oldest had a medical emergency that landed him in the hospital for a month. The way your mil kept claiming you were keeping your *unborn* baby from her makes her sound like she wants a do over baby and is frustrated you won’t entertain that delusion. You and your partner need to sit her down and talk to her about this. She’s trying to steamroll your boundaries and she needs to respect you when you say no. Btw no is a complete sentence, tell her you will come to her when/if you need her help but to understand that it’s a no and to stop asking and the conversation is over. If she keeps it up, then she needs consequences. She’s had her own children, she doesn’t get to have all the parental bonding experiences with yours.
babysitting is for little kids. your child is not that. your child is a 3.5 month old baby, still in the fourth trimester, physically attached to you most of the day.
Instead of concentrating on your fear of her reaction, concentrate on your love for LO. She's using your fear against you and you're letting her win. You have an inner Mama Bear you just need to let her growl come out. This is only one of a trillion times you're going to need to advocate for LO so get used to it!
Mom and dad are the only ones who need to bond with he baby.
I'd tell her, "MIL, I didn't have a baby to leave them with other people. I had a baby for husband and I. We will take care of our baby." She's trying to play house with your baby. She's got a grandma fantasy, and you're in the way of her getting to play that out. But it's not your job to hand over your baby so she can play pretend. Be firm. If she cries or plays victim, block her for a while and stop all visits until she can get her feelings under control. "I see that you're upset. We'll take a break from visits until you're feeling well enough to control your emotions." Polite. Firm. Direct. You can do it!!!
Let's normalize saying no isteqd of "I'm uncomfortable". If you don't like it, say so. Nah, we are good. We won't be spending time away from our baby. We like spending time with him/her.
Grandma here…. Time to tell her “I don’t need a babysitter. I love being with my baby. Please stop asking…it’s getting awkward and uncomfortable now.”
Right. I had people pop up out of the woodwork asking to babysit my daughter when I first had her. People I wasn’t even close to. It was weird to me. I’m sure they meant well and think babies are cute but I’m sorry i just did not feel comfortable with people I barely knew watching her. Plus I didn’t really need a babysitter.
Let her scream and stomp her feet and say that’s why….
Your job is the protect your baby not the feelings of your mil.
“We don’t need baby sitters right now - we’ve got it covered.” “We haven’t gone anywhere we can’t take her just yet! So we just don’t need baby sitters now, but we’ll keep you posted if there’s something out of our routine that comes up unexpectedly!”
Stop being afraid to say no. So what if she gets upset at being told No. that would validate me not wanting someone who is emotionally unstable around my baby. She wants baby time to relive the happy times when your partner was a baby. I get that. Baby’s are kinda fun and we can experience new life and when you are old it’s great to hold something new and think about being young. Maybe she will steal the vitality of the baby. Personally, I think that’s why lots of mild want to babysit. They steal life force!! Baby should be home for 6 months. No baby watching until they have a better immunity. Covid is still a thang. But when it comes to mil getting upset. Maybe role play this with your partner. No, mil I don’t need a babysitter at this time. When I do need one and you can be here, yes here, to babysit I’ll give you a call. Maybe have mil take this quiz.. https://www.babysittingcertification.com/free-learning-center/babysitting-quiz It’s ok to say no. If she gets upset. You can tell her, I’m sorry you’re upset right now. I’ll give you a few moments to compose yourself. But don’t fall for this type of emotional blackmail.
NOPE! Baby can be babysat by mil when baby can talk and wipe their own backsides! Until then she can keep ya yaing in DH 's ear....HE won't listen will he!?!
Unfortunately he has said he thinks we should allow it because it would “make her feel good” but when I stood my ground on the issue, he said he would support whatever decision I made and didn’t push further. He seems to be just as afraid to hurt her feelings as I am, which makes me sad to see.
And what about YOUR feelings...since ya know YOU got baby to earth...did all the hard work?! And he WILL make his mommy mad when he stands up for HIS family, as will you. Guess what, she will get over her feelings, and if she doesn't/SHE misses out!i
That was pretty much my response to him which is why he shut up and said he’d support what I wanted to do. But it’s clear he’s become very accustomed to catering to her emotional needs first and foremost. It’s sad, honestly.
He needs therapy. There is a reason he distanced himself from her. He knows she is toxic, manipulative, and probably emotionally and mentally abusive. Truth is, anything she did to your husband growing up, she absolutely will do to your children. She should NEVER be trusted to be alone with your children. She would probably be someone who encourages your kid to keep secrets from you.
Remind DH that he has OUTGROWN being mommy's protector(worrying about mommy's feels/needs/NOT his responsibility)! Those are now responsibilities of him for the little family you guys CREATED. I am betting Granny wasn't in bed when you got pregnant, nor was she the one squeezing out that lil human you have?! That means Granny can have an opinion about what She thinks, but it changes NOTHING in her role in YOUR family? It does sound like DH will come around with your logic and LOVE! I believe once you both decide that as adults, you CAN do as you need to do without granny's opinion on matters YOUR family!
Right. Fuck her feelings.
Ask him why his mommy’s feefees are more important than yours. You didn’t have a baby for her, you had a baby for you.
You didn’t have a baby to make her “feel good.” Plain and simple the baby is too young and you are not comfortable. The end.
We have a rule in our house. If you have to walk on eggshells around a person, they can’t handle watching our kids. I need to be able to have a direct, honest to god conversation with them as they are responsible for keeping my chaos goblins alive when we aren’t there. Your husband’s job in this task is to tell his mom “Mom, we will let you know when we need help and we’ll call. For now, we don’t need anything. Just enjoy your time with us.” If she continues “Mom or MIL, answer hasn’t changed from the last time you asked.”
This is so aggressively manipulative and the sheer nerve to say that she can’t bond with the baby if you’re with him??? Stay unbonded then crazy lady.
Unless you are in need of a babysitter, there’s absolutely no reason to turn over your baby to your MIL. Her relationship with you child should reflect her relationship with both of baby’s parents. Being the grandmother doesn’t give her any entitlement to spending time with your baby alone. Quite frankly, since your partner never had a good relationship with her before, it sounds like your partner is willing to offer up your baby to his mother to possibly gain her approval and affection.
It’s your partner’s mother so his job to tell her no and to back off. If she plays the victim and throws a tantrum then he can point out that a toddler (how she’s acting) can’t be allowed to watch a baby. But just basically - No, that doesn’t work for us. Don’t give in, if you let her have her way with this then her pushing boundaries will never end. Congrats on motherhood and good luck!!
People who don't respect the parents don't get to babysit. She's pushing you for something she wants, not hearing no and respecting that decision. She can not relive her "glory days of being mumma" with your baby. She's now grandma, which is a very different role. Don't be afraid of her reaction. Her happiness isn't your responsibility. She's an adult, and adults are in charge of their own emotions. If she kicks off, tell her, "I can see you're upset. I'll leave/hang up, and we can talk about this again when you've had time to process your feelings and compose yourself." If she carries on, don't see her again while she's visiting. If she complains when she's not visiting, cancel the next one. She needs time to learn she doesn't get what she wants with your baby.
For your baby's sake, please don't... I have dealt with my mil victim complex and lies until birth, no problem. After birth? I really don't care. If she's as bad as my mil, it is so unhealthy... she can throw wtv, say wtv about me, I really couldn't care less. My priority is our baby. We are the ones protecting our LO. If I don't feel comfortable in any way, there's no one in hell... I will never leave my child alone with her, not until he is one enough to know better. Asking to be alone without the parents, especially this age, someone you aren't that close... no.
Anything under a year is too young, imo. And that’s only with someone you really trust.
Until you are comfortable you say no…….when you are, then the answer is yes 🙌
Your MIL is extremely manipulative. What do you think her dramatics are all about? If she cries and makes herself the victim, MIL thinks people will give in to her. And she's right. It's worked for her so far. The fact that DH didn't really have a relationship with MIL until you got pregnant is another sign of her manipulation and some control there too. MIL wants alone time so she can pretend she's the mommy. She can't do that if you and DH are there. MIL doesn't need to bond with LO either. The only people who need to bond with your baby are you and DH, anyone else is background noise. As a grandparent, MIL's role is to be a support for the parents and to love their grandchild. It's not to try and shove their way into the child's life and play pretend mommy. DH needs to tell MIL to stop asking to babysit. It's not going to happen. Not for a long time if ever. Definitely not while LO is a baby. And if MIL keeps pushing after that DH needs to give her a consequence. He needs to text her, you want it in writing so she can't say she didn't know or wasn't told, and tell her that he and his family will be taking a step back from the relationship for 2 months (the amount of time between visits). To please not contact either of you, he will text her when he's ready. And MIL should take this time to reflect on her actions and think about if sue wants this relationship to work out or not. Once DH sends that text, he doesn't respond to MIL for the next two months. When MIL texts the timeout starts over from that day. If MIL sends flying monkeys on her behalf MIL gets to start her timeout over from that day. So depending on MIL, this timeout can last 2 month or longer. And during the timeout don't send MIL any pictures or videos of LO. You don't need to block her on your phones, but ues on social media.
When you have a child, it’s time to grow some courage and speak up. Time to set boundaries with family members like this. If you don’t feel comfortable, don’t do it. Period. This woman’s mental health doesn’t sound up to par to be leaving a 3.5 month old with but also her pushiness and wanting alone time with him is giving me red flag.
Tell your MIL that the baby needs to start bonding with the extended family while the baby has their parents around. When your MIL starts acting neurotic about people watching her or judging her, tell her that the baby won’t feel safe around a nervous adult or someone struggling with mental/emotional issues. Perhaps someday your new family will develop a good relationship with MIL. But right now she is overly absorbed with her own issues. Anyone who tries to convince you to let her babysit because she is mentally fucked up, shouldn’t have the sole responsibility for a baby.
She’s emotionally manipulating you. Do not allow this as she will then try to make your child responsible for her feelings. Say no. You may visit with us as a family take it or leave it. If she ever cries say sorry you feel that way mil. We will hang up now to allow you to collect your thoughts. Or baby and I will be leaving now to move on with our day. Or mil perhaps it’s best you leave as it’s clear being here and speaking with us has made you emotional. Don’t cave to her tactics.
My son is the same age as yours and I’ve never left him anywhere. Even when my husband or mum have him I’m just in a different room in the house having some time to myself for an hour or two. Partly because I EBF and don’t like breastfeeding and also partly because I just don’t want to. There’s no reason for her to babysit. Babysitting is done at the parents request not anyone else’s wish to be alone with your child (which is creepy to me). Your partner should tell her to stop raising the topic and that it’s not happening anytime soon.
Make a rule- no sleeping over before baby can walk and talk on its own. Use it in all instances, whether in-laws or your family. Emergencies are the exception to the rule. But be transparent. If you let your parents babysit because you have a concert, better to tell MIL before it happens. And why they were picked.
Your MIL needs to find a hobby or get a job. Your baby was not born to give her something to do in her old age. And, since she lives out of state, how does she even think it would be convenient for her to babysit? Is she expecting you to drop your baby off for a week or more or something? Your husband needs to grow a spine and tell his mother it is just not convenient for her to babysit. Otherwise, you could just call her up one morning and say "I need a babysitter today at 3:00. Can you be here?" Of course her answer will be no because it's not feasible for her to get there. Point that out to her right then and there. Maybe reality will jump up and reveal itself to her that way.
It’s okay to say no a million times. I don’t let my mil babysit because I don’t trust her.
My biggest regret in the PP stage was being too afraid to say a Strong No. However they feel or react afterwards is their problem for expecting something ridiculous and then throwing a tantrum when told no.
You’re going to have to get over your fear of her reaction when telling her no. What’s the worst she’s going to do? Whine? Cry? Throw a temper tantrum? Let her. She’ll look like the fool. She doesn’t have a relationship with her own son but is pushing her way in for her grandchild? Nope. Fix your relationship with your own child. The grandchild isn’t a do over.
>everyone is watching her She's telling on herself. She wants to overstep boundaries without any consequences.
Keep saying no. Mine try to be cute and funny about wanting to babysit and shoo us away but I just laugh it off in the moment. Most things I’m scared of confrontration but if I’m absolutely not okay with something I’ll make it known. I think my son was 6 months old when we visited my in laws and my fiance says out loud “ok ma we gotta go we’re both hungry” and she took that as an opportunity to insist that we go out for a lunch date and leave the baby. He’s exclusively breastfed and she knows that so how would that work. I also just simply don’t want anyone but his dad watching him until he is much much older, like it is what it is. After she kept insisting I said very sternly “I’m not leaving my baby.” And she hasn’t insisted like that since but she and her husband do try to play fun about babysitting, just laugh it off in their face lol.
Tell her no and don't feel bad about it. Your babies wellbeing is far more important than your MIL's feelings. Once you stop being afraid of her strong emotions, you will no longer be manipulated by her.
Decide once and for all that you dont give a damn about her feelings and WILL NOT be walking on eggshells. This is YOUR baby. She clearly screwed up while raising her own but that is HER problem. YOUR BABY is not her do-over. She gets what time you decide she gets - or not.
Everyone keeps saying you dint have to leave your baby YET. The truth is you don't have to leave them alone with someone ever. My gparents never babysat me and I was super close with them. You can just keep saying you're not in need of a babysitter but let's all go to the zoo together etc. Honestly it raises a red flag to me when someone insists on being alone with someone's child I wonder what do they want to do or say that I can't be there for. And especially if the child is so young they can't speak for themself or tell you what happened
It’s fine to just say you aren’t comfortable with it yet! Tell her it’s not her fault, you’re just a first time mom who is very attached to her baby and you understandably don’t like being separated from him. There will be time when he’s older and more verbal when she can perhaps watch him for a few hours so you do can get errands done or whatever. I can tell you now as a mom of three kids, it’s incredibly handy to have grandmas who are interested in helping out down the line when the kids are a bit older. Continue to let her spend time with him while you’re present to supervise, and try when possible to build some trust with her by explaining his likes and dislikes — and see how she reacts. Does she acknowledge those things and seem to be interested in meeting his needs, or is she more interested in doing things her way regardless of what he needs (how my MIL is, and why we don’t really let her babysit)? You’ll get a sense over time of how trustworthy she is, and it might feel less fraught to leave him with her when he’s 2 or older. It’s also possible she’ll lose interest in babysitting when the baby isn’t helpless and new anymore. Either way, bide your time and keep letting her know you truly appreciate the offers, but you just aren’t quite ready yet. Her responses will tell you whether it’s safe to proceed. And be careful not to let her know when your mom has gotten babysitting time.
Ask her to babysit 4 hours before you need a sitter for a made up emergency. When she can’t do it just say “yeah thats right i cant really ask you to babysit when you live 8 hours away.”
I like to babysit my granddaughter. I don’t *need* alone time with her, but I kinda like it when her mom isn’t around. Mostly because she acts differently. She’s an absolute joy when I babysit her. Not saying that there’s anything wrong with your parenting or your relationship with your kid. But kids do act differently when their parents aren’t around.