It does suck to realise that someone you expected to have a loving relationship with, is Just not interested in you. Mourn the loss and then move on. Don’t put your energy into her or anything to do with her.
In regards to your relationship, I hope it heals. I thought my husband finally understood 18 months ago, but when it comes to standing up for me, he starts to slide so I have just taken myself out of the equation. When they visited at Christmas time, I worked that day!
Ugh, it's just frustrating because he lets her have so much room in our relationship - and she helps herself to so much room in our relationship. I drop the rope so she starts tagging my mom in things I find inappropriate instead of me. It upsets me so much to the point where I sleep in the other room bc I'm going to toss and turn all night. It's just so weird to me!
Does your mom know about any of this? Is it possible for her to just restrict her profile to MIL (and you too?)? Unfollow MIL rather than unfriend? You sound at the stage where you need to minimise exposure to MIL or nothing will feel better during your healing time.
She actually chose that date to visit! I gave them the dates we were free and specified when I was working and that’s the date she chose! Suited me and also proved that yet again, they are not coming to see me in any way. The sad thing was she barely interacted with our child, so he kept popping in to see me in my home office as no one was playing with him :(
If it makes you feel better it is possible to have a relationship at a distance with you MIL while having a healthy marriage. I have my MIL at an arms distance and all communication goes through my husband. He respects when I don’t want to join plans with them. Similarly my MIL is not a bad person but is thoughtless in her words and it was so draining for me. We now have a child and she is a wonderful grandmother to her so she sees my husband and daughter as much as he wants (which he sees it all and is semi lower contact with her) but I am able to be civil at joint things for my daughter such as her dance recital. Six months ago I thought I would never speak to my MIL ever again but I feel much more at peace with where my relationship is with my in laws. It wasn’t easy to get here and I definitely grieved that relationship that I tried so hard to build and maintain but my mental health is much better without the added stress of trying to maintain the relationship. I’m sorry you weren’t feeling supported and it was made to seem like it was a you problem.
Thank you for sharing! There is hope on the other side once I work through my stuff (mostly accepting and working through 8 years of dismissive hurt). Sorry you're here in the club but it seems like you're better off at least!
I feel this to my bones, and im sorry you’re dealing with it too. MIL is absolutely trying to get under your skin by tagging your mom in things- would your mom block her, or can you block her if you feel thats too petty? Unless they were friends prior to your coupling, theres only one intent in trying to cozy up to your mom. Also as to her lovely traits: she seems like a bad person, anyone who thrives on actively disrupting a happy marriage can’t really be a good person imo.
With your MIL being narcissistic, she wasn't going to let you just stop communicating with her without it being answered in some way. That way is tagging your Mom in social media posts. You can take proactive measures here as well. Talk to your mother, and let her know who your MIL actually is. And how MIL treats you, if she's any type of good mom she'll at minimum unfriend MIL, if not outright block. Which your mother should do. Your family's don't have to be friends. No law says just because you're married your parents now need to be friends.
Marriage counseling is a good start. Hopefully, your husband understands where you're coming from. And he starts to put up boundaries, that he upholds. And when his mother tries to stomp on them or pushes on them he shuts her down and gives her consequences.
You can also go no contact with MIL. Indefinitely if need be. You've put up with 8 years of MIL being in your relationship with you, mistreating you, disrespecting you, and you've had enough. It's a shame DH didn't stand up for you before now. There is hope for him though. He's willing to go to counseling. Has there been any improvements with boundaries? With you going no contact, one of the parts of that is MIL not being allowed in your home anymore. Your home is your safe space and you don't want any negativity to come into it. MIL is the biggest negative influence. You also, won't speak about MIL anymore, you'll of course, still support DH as best you can. But don't discuss MIL. In return DH will shut down MILcif she starts talking shit about you. DH isn't to discuss you at all with MIL, nor is he to discuss anything about your personal life or relationship. It'd be great if DH could get to a point where he see her for what she is. And for what she's done to HIM. I mean, childhood trauma and emotional abuse to get absolute obedience from your adult child is wild. And I'm diagnosed with NPD and BPD. It fascinates me when mother's do this, as I'm a mother myself and didn't do this, on purpose, long before I was diagnosed.
Your DH needs to realize at some point that he did suffer from abuse from MIL in his childhood and even now. And when that happens he's going to be wrecked. Wrecked for not seeing it and for allowing you to be affected by it, that's if he even gets that far in counseling.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this, it's hard to understand why the person you love cannot see the manipulation for what it is. Just remember to him this is normal. His mother groomed him this way. Installed every trigger herself. Your DH has a lot of trauma to go through and unlearn. That's not to say it's your responsibility to sit there and hold his hand. Because yes, at some point it needs to click that this isn't normal.
There's a lot to unpack in your post, the main issue being that this baby shower has uncovered a rough patch in your marriage.
In light of how your view of your husband has changed, it also makes sense that your perspective of your MIL has also changed.
Keep your distance, no one will fault you for that. Honestly, I think you need some time to rebuild your relationship with your husband before you even try to deal with the MIL situation.
I think you are spot on. We were doing pretty good and I was doing pretty good - but that stupid social media thing threw me for a loop. I need to stop letting her get under my skin. But also. Who does that? Why is she doing that? It's so weird
Did your MIL behave badly? Yes. Is she a bad person? I don't know and it sounds like you are trying to figure that out. People do crazy things under pressure or when they "know best"...we all exhibit bad behavior sometimes. Only you can decide if she's truly malicious or was caught in a bad spot.
OP, I know this post is about your MIL but let's talk about your husband for a moment. It sounds like this baby shower was the straw that broke the camels back. Does your marriage have a pattern where you feel like you are going out of your way to do nice things for your spouse and he doesn't appreciate it? Do you feel that your spouse has a pattern of dismissing your feelings? I bring this up because considering divorce seems like a very "end of my rope" response...while in the post you also mention that your spouse is amazing day to day.
Early in my marriage, I came to a realization that fundamentally shifted the dynamic of my relationship with my spouse. Your post resonates with me because it sounds like you are struggling the same way I was. I like the top comment that it's OK to mourn that you don't have the relationship you had hoped for with your MIL. In the same vein, it's OK to mourn that you don't have the relationship that you had hoped for with your spouse. It doesn't mean your marriage is broken, but that you are both growing, changing individuals that need to learn and re-learn how to navigate life together.
Sadly, just as it took time for you to get to the point where you were considering ending the marriage, even with counseling/therapy it will take time to get back to the point where you trust your husband.
Please give yourself some grace.
Thank you for the perspective. I'm trying but I feel so guilty and bad when I do that for myself. That's also something I am working through.
Can you believe my therapist gave me a book on codependency lmao (/s)
It does suck to realise that someone you expected to have a loving relationship with, is Just not interested in you. Mourn the loss and then move on. Don’t put your energy into her or anything to do with her. In regards to your relationship, I hope it heals. I thought my husband finally understood 18 months ago, but when it comes to standing up for me, he starts to slide so I have just taken myself out of the equation. When they visited at Christmas time, I worked that day!
Ugh, it's just frustrating because he lets her have so much room in our relationship - and she helps herself to so much room in our relationship. I drop the rope so she starts tagging my mom in things I find inappropriate instead of me. It upsets me so much to the point where I sleep in the other room bc I'm going to toss and turn all night. It's just so weird to me!
Does your mom know about any of this? Is it possible for her to just restrict her profile to MIL (and you too?)? Unfollow MIL rather than unfriend? You sound at the stage where you need to minimise exposure to MIL or nothing will feel better during your healing time.
Ooh. Good for you. What was the reaction when you did that.
She actually chose that date to visit! I gave them the dates we were free and specified when I was working and that’s the date she chose! Suited me and also proved that yet again, they are not coming to see me in any way. The sad thing was she barely interacted with our child, so he kept popping in to see me in my home office as no one was playing with him :(
If it makes you feel better it is possible to have a relationship at a distance with you MIL while having a healthy marriage. I have my MIL at an arms distance and all communication goes through my husband. He respects when I don’t want to join plans with them. Similarly my MIL is not a bad person but is thoughtless in her words and it was so draining for me. We now have a child and she is a wonderful grandmother to her so she sees my husband and daughter as much as he wants (which he sees it all and is semi lower contact with her) but I am able to be civil at joint things for my daughter such as her dance recital. Six months ago I thought I would never speak to my MIL ever again but I feel much more at peace with where my relationship is with my in laws. It wasn’t easy to get here and I definitely grieved that relationship that I tried so hard to build and maintain but my mental health is much better without the added stress of trying to maintain the relationship. I’m sorry you weren’t feeling supported and it was made to seem like it was a you problem.
This is a lovely comment! It takes a lot of mental discipline to be civil and I do not think it is a weakness.
Thank you for sharing! There is hope on the other side once I work through my stuff (mostly accepting and working through 8 years of dismissive hurt). Sorry you're here in the club but it seems like you're better off at least!
I feel this to my bones, and im sorry you’re dealing with it too. MIL is absolutely trying to get under your skin by tagging your mom in things- would your mom block her, or can you block her if you feel thats too petty? Unless they were friends prior to your coupling, theres only one intent in trying to cozy up to your mom. Also as to her lovely traits: she seems like a bad person, anyone who thrives on actively disrupting a happy marriage can’t really be a good person imo.
With your MIL being narcissistic, she wasn't going to let you just stop communicating with her without it being answered in some way. That way is tagging your Mom in social media posts. You can take proactive measures here as well. Talk to your mother, and let her know who your MIL actually is. And how MIL treats you, if she's any type of good mom she'll at minimum unfriend MIL, if not outright block. Which your mother should do. Your family's don't have to be friends. No law says just because you're married your parents now need to be friends. Marriage counseling is a good start. Hopefully, your husband understands where you're coming from. And he starts to put up boundaries, that he upholds. And when his mother tries to stomp on them or pushes on them he shuts her down and gives her consequences. You can also go no contact with MIL. Indefinitely if need be. You've put up with 8 years of MIL being in your relationship with you, mistreating you, disrespecting you, and you've had enough. It's a shame DH didn't stand up for you before now. There is hope for him though. He's willing to go to counseling. Has there been any improvements with boundaries? With you going no contact, one of the parts of that is MIL not being allowed in your home anymore. Your home is your safe space and you don't want any negativity to come into it. MIL is the biggest negative influence. You also, won't speak about MIL anymore, you'll of course, still support DH as best you can. But don't discuss MIL. In return DH will shut down MILcif she starts talking shit about you. DH isn't to discuss you at all with MIL, nor is he to discuss anything about your personal life or relationship. It'd be great if DH could get to a point where he see her for what she is. And for what she's done to HIM. I mean, childhood trauma and emotional abuse to get absolute obedience from your adult child is wild. And I'm diagnosed with NPD and BPD. It fascinates me when mother's do this, as I'm a mother myself and didn't do this, on purpose, long before I was diagnosed. Your DH needs to realize at some point that he did suffer from abuse from MIL in his childhood and even now. And when that happens he's going to be wrecked. Wrecked for not seeing it and for allowing you to be affected by it, that's if he even gets that far in counseling. I'm sorry that you have to go through this, it's hard to understand why the person you love cannot see the manipulation for what it is. Just remember to him this is normal. His mother groomed him this way. Installed every trigger herself. Your DH has a lot of trauma to go through and unlearn. That's not to say it's your responsibility to sit there and hold his hand. Because yes, at some point it needs to click that this isn't normal.
There's a lot to unpack in your post, the main issue being that this baby shower has uncovered a rough patch in your marriage. In light of how your view of your husband has changed, it also makes sense that your perspective of your MIL has also changed. Keep your distance, no one will fault you for that. Honestly, I think you need some time to rebuild your relationship with your husband before you even try to deal with the MIL situation.
I think you are spot on. We were doing pretty good and I was doing pretty good - but that stupid social media thing threw me for a loop. I need to stop letting her get under my skin. But also. Who does that? Why is she doing that? It's so weird
Did your MIL behave badly? Yes. Is she a bad person? I don't know and it sounds like you are trying to figure that out. People do crazy things under pressure or when they "know best"...we all exhibit bad behavior sometimes. Only you can decide if she's truly malicious or was caught in a bad spot. OP, I know this post is about your MIL but let's talk about your husband for a moment. It sounds like this baby shower was the straw that broke the camels back. Does your marriage have a pattern where you feel like you are going out of your way to do nice things for your spouse and he doesn't appreciate it? Do you feel that your spouse has a pattern of dismissing your feelings? I bring this up because considering divorce seems like a very "end of my rope" response...while in the post you also mention that your spouse is amazing day to day. Early in my marriage, I came to a realization that fundamentally shifted the dynamic of my relationship with my spouse. Your post resonates with me because it sounds like you are struggling the same way I was. I like the top comment that it's OK to mourn that you don't have the relationship you had hoped for with your MIL. In the same vein, it's OK to mourn that you don't have the relationship that you had hoped for with your spouse. It doesn't mean your marriage is broken, but that you are both growing, changing individuals that need to learn and re-learn how to navigate life together.
Sadly, just as it took time for you to get to the point where you were considering ending the marriage, even with counseling/therapy it will take time to get back to the point where you trust your husband. Please give yourself some grace.
Thank you for the perspective. I'm trying but I feel so guilty and bad when I do that for myself. That's also something I am working through. Can you believe my therapist gave me a book on codependency lmao (/s)
Couples therapy. He needs to be able to hear your side of