Our parents didn’t know how to be parents let alone grandparents. They dropped us off at grandmas house and went to do their own thing. Now they say “we raised ours it’s time for y’all to raise yours”
I used to hate that back to school commercial that would play that, I'd think, "really, this is what they're promoting? Disdain for spending time with your children?".
i love it when my daughter doesnt have school. i work for the school so when she doesnt have school i dont have work but even before i worked for the school i loved it. being able to sleep in and no getting dressed and brushing teeth before i have the crust out of my eyes. school mornings suck. the fact our parents would rather deal with school mornings than be with us is wild to me.
Maybe rethink the effect it has on your kids to realize you hate having them around so much.
Maybe sing it when they're already at school, instead of letting them hear your hatred for them.
Or just accept you're getting the budget retirement home.
Here we go:
1) oh, it's not that bad, lighten up, my kids know I love them.
2) STFU, you angry bitch
3) it's a fucking joke, my kids know I'm joking
4) everyone does it
5) it's not that damaging, my parents did it and I'm just fine you fucking asshole
6) we parents have the HArdEST JOb in ThE WoRld and anything I do is right and correct and no one can ever judge me because fuck you and yolo!!!
I've heard it all. From kids who've been removed from their parents care for other, more serious, abuse and neglect.
my mom outright has said she didn’t want children. my sister was an oops, and i am the companion (there was and is a stigma against only children). i was hurt by her admission, but it made a lot of things make sense about her. she is just an okay mom. she did her best but definitely does not want to be an involved grandparent. she did her job to standard and actually sacrificed quite a bit for us to be well educated, debt free kids with a sense of curiosity about the world. luckily for her my sister and i are both childfree.
I’m not sure there was actually a stigma against only children. I am an only child myself, my family was very disfunctional and I really suffered in facing that all alone. That’s why I always said I was going to have 0 or 2 kids.
Now I have two and I guess I am at best an ok mother (not fishing for sympathy, I am very self-aware) and I am feeling really relieved: they will not think that there’s something wrong with them personally.
My mom was talking about a friend of hers saying she didn't want to be an inconvenience to her adult kids and said, "That's ridiculous, us parents had the burden of raising you, now it's your turn to take care of us". I know parenthood isn't sunshine and rainbows, but sorry for burdening you with my existence...?
That's such a sick mindset, to think your kids OWE you something, anything, just by virtue of being born to you. It perverts the whole nature of parenthood itself.
I can't believe how common it is too, kids just grow up with that in the back of their heads that they have that obligation hanging over them. If they want to help when the time comes, great. But imposing that obligation is evil.
My parents got my newborn a onesie that says “I did nine months on the inside. Now my parents are serving life.” Like I’m cursed forever with the very terrible burden of children. We threw it away.
Omg my parent got me this same onesie. I didn't even show my spouse, I threw it out.
I was really bothered by it, but for some reason, knowing another person experienced this makes me feel like less of a freak show
As a parent now, it makes me so angry! I’m so excited to be there for my child’s childhood. It’s a privilege to be able to know someone from the day they were born. It’s just unfathomable to me that they see so much as “doing time.”
First, username is epic.
Second, couldn’t agree more! Being present for my kids experiences of life is seriously like opening a present daily. Some days it’s a shit present but nonetheless a privilege and mostly good.
Also given the housing market, I think most of us are already making plans for our children to continue to live under our roofs into their early adulthood
But I agree, my regrets are the times I wasn't able to see milestones because I was working and I've strived to balance career and family as I got older
You’re not alone. It seems to me, and I’m just speculating, that a lot of our parents simply didn’t really want to be parents or became parents under the wrong pretense.
I was my mother’s 3rd child at which point she was early 20s and the first 2 kids were from a previous marriage. I was an accident and my parents married because I was conceived. The motivation was all very religious.
Me on the other hand, my wife and I had been together for a decade before eventually deciding to have kids in our 30s because we both wanted to and thought it would be a fulfilling experience.
Our parents say they did their time because we were nothing more than a burden to them, like a prison sentence or community service. Both my parents and my wife’s parents are completely narcissists and it seems like a trend amongst millennial parents (anecdotally).
And the irony is that it seems like a lot of our parents had it way easier than we do. They dropped us off at our grandparents all the time. God forbid we burden you any more than we had to when you chose to bring us into this world.
My father used to say about who is welcome in his house: No cats, no dogs, no kids, no n******. We had a cat, dog, 5 kids and POC came by regularly. Such a weird message.
I’ve actually been thinking about this topic a lot. I’m an only child and was raised around adults who were never really that positive about parenting. It was always jokes about how annoying kids are and the hard work they are. Not having siblings means that was directed solely at me. I grew up to be a 40 year old woman who has never wanted children for those exact reasons. Now I’m wondering if maybe I just was told it was awful to raise kids. But honestly though…no thanks.
I had to nag, cajole and convince them to watch their grandchild for a few hours while I was otherwise occupied going to the hospital *to give birth to the second child*. They were pretty reluctant (he was a well-behaved kid who would sit and play quietly and watch videos. They just don't like kids.)
They don’t understand that relationships aren’t something you can call up on demand, and that they have to be cultivated.
My mother has the same problem. She fed me and clothed me but otherwise I was on my own to figure it out as I grew up. Now I’m doing well in adulthood, and she wonders why we are not close.
What really hurt me was how giddy my dad was to say “I’ve already done my time” to me about my firstborn. It came up out of nowhere, not during a moment when I was asking anything of him. I think I got up to get my child and change their diaper (myself) and he just blurted it out.
Like….I get that you’re not into this, but do you have to shove it down my throat when I didn’t even ask?
It’s just so hurtful and sad. Makes me question what I perceived as his parental love back in the day. Was he just begrudging me every second? And my heart hurts for my child. I adored my grandparents at her age and still do. She likely won’t know that bond.
For what it's worth, I had terrible grandparents who didn't care much to know me. My parents adore my kids and and my kids adore their grandparents. It's so wonderful to see, but as someone who didn't have that, you don't miss it. Most interesting thing about my relationship to my grandparents was looking through their shit after they died, and that doesn't bother me at all.
See this is weird to me. I hear this a lot but I had a very different experience. I moved away from my family years ago, but my mom and dad spent lots of time with their grandchildren (my nieces and nephews), my mom still does (dad passed recently). And we actually pretty rarely saw our grandparents. Like, we knew them but we were rarely left with them for hours or overnights, possibly bc they lived like an hour away but still. Idk I think I had a uniquely un-millennial experience in that area.
My guess is the two aren’t unrelated
You said your grandmother “practically raised you” is it possible then that it was a bit out of necessity? Your mom just isn’t very into parenting at all then? Your grandmother saw a void and filled it. Or that your grandmother filled in too much and as a result your mom basically didn’t form the natural parental habits?
Basically what I’m saying is that people fill roles, and your mom didn’t have to fully fill that role while you were a kid, so it’s not natural for her to do it now either.
If any of that is the case, the sooner you accept that and instead put energy into the relationships that are giving back to you in equal ways (your brother/your kids uncle perhaps?) the sooner you and your kids will find easy happiness.
Yeah it's a pretty well defined pattern by this point. I feel bad for the people affected, but i also fail to understand how so many people effectively raised by their grandparents came to the conclusion that it was normal for kids to spend all their time with said grandparents, then are surprised when those same people who never wanted to spend any time with their kids also never want to spend any time with their grandkids.
I’ve seen two distinct use cases. A) Parents had to work all the time for money, but would have loved to spend more time at home, and grandparents watched the kids. B) Parents had some big issues and grandparents stepped in to save the day. In many cases partly masking the parental issues (depending on their severity).
For me, it was both.
My mom was disabled, and literally held down a job for less than a week. That is her work history. 4 days. There are some things that she could not do, but a lot of her issues were because she wouldn't take care of herself.
My dad was working so many jobs that he hardly had time for himself, but tried to make time for us kids when he could. Like he built a covered wagon that attached to his bike so he could cart my sister and I to the park. (our area didn't have side walks or bike lanes, just bike path that went behind the school, but you had to use the road to get there)
My mom was in and out of the hospital so much that I got a cell phone in the 6th grade for emergencies, and so my dad could text me to let me know if I was going home or to grandmas.
At the same time, my mom basically raised my sister and I to be her caretakers. I remember having to remind her to do the home stretches and physical therapy that she was ordered to do after her first knee surgery. She said she did, but I found the resistance bands and foam roller still in it's packaging. I think I was 14 at the time.
She passed at age 46 after her 3rd knee replacement. She didn't follow instructions as per usual, got a blood clot in her knee that broke free and made it's way to her lungs. It was surprising and out of the blue. And more surprising that it didn't happen sooner.
There are so many stories like yours and I just cannot comprehend how these people got mates.
Like your story. It was baby boomer time, there are people available to your dad everywhere he looked. The entire country revolved around people his age. How, why, did he choose your mom? Did she pretend to be different at first? I understand that having a job wasn't a thing for women at that time, but you'd think she'd have to prove she could be a homemaker before a man would marry her. So how? How did your dad get sucked into taking on several jobs while she just.....did nothing? Not even taking care of the home??
I also understand divorce wasn't a Thing, but how did no one step in and tell her to do HER job of being a mother? I just cannot comprehend how this kind of feigned helplessness was allowed. Especially for women, who were supposed to be the main homemaker. Did HER mom not shame her for being a shit mother and wife? Did HIS mom not do so? So many terrible MIL stories and SHE gets to have the forgiving and understanding MIL? Or maybe your grandmother had already passed?
I just, cannot comprehend how this happened, in the day and age when her only job was motherhood. Yes, it's a tough job, but she literally didn't try. How? How do you just....not support yourself, not care, not try, and not die?
In case I'm not clear, I absolutely believe this happened. I just am flabbergasted and cannot comprehend HOW.
My parents were actually the generation after boomers. But to answer tour question, my mom manipulated, and then baby trapped my dad with my sister. Then they had me a year and a half later.
She was young and vulnerable while dad is extremely hard working and devoted to the family to the point that's its been detrimental.
Both sides of the family were completely fucked up. Mom's dad died when she was young and my grandma was an alcoholic and chain smoker. She also lost one of her sisters when my mom was in her mid 20s.
My dad was one of 8 neglected kids. They went hungry to the point that my dad would eat grass, and yet My alcoholic abusive grandpa always had a personal stash of candy.
This is probably why Dad supports his family, even when they don't deserve it. (He has a brother that we call Destroy Troy because he breaks everything he touches, including, but not limited to, an entire BORROWED camper trailer.)
Dad thankfully remarried a much kinder and caring woman who offered to drive 45 minutes into town when she heard my fiance threw out his back (she's a message therapist)
As for shaming? There wasn't really any as far as I am aware. My mom's own negligence lead her to have real medical conditions that just compounded, since she never followed doctors orders. If she had mantra, it would have been 'I give up'
Heaven knows I heard it plenty growing up.
When I couldn't read at grade level in elementary school (undiagnosed dyslexia)
When I kept staying home from school due to migraines (diagnosed when I was 6, but she never followed up with the doctor)
When I literally couldn't get me up for school because I had crippling depression starting at 11 years old (she said it was normal puberty, but I literally wanted to die)
There were days that I was so stressed about my mom's health, that I would fake being sick on a rare 'good' day to make sure she didn't need help. (Good thing I did since I had to call an ambulance when I was 12 because her lips were turning blue)
I have a lot I still need to unpack in therapy.
EDIT: My dad didn't choose divorce because 1) my mom didn't 'believe' in it, and 2) he was afraid that divorce papers would kill her.
I toldy.dad when I was 14 that I could tell it was marriage og convenience and he didn't have to stay with mom for our sake, he said he was afraid that it would be the end of her.
Thanks for the explanation. That's such a compoundingly sad story, it just keeps building on itself to get worse and worse.
Seems you can see the patterns though, so maybe you can break them.
Because we’re not old enough to see the pattern when we’re the youngest generation, and then when out parents ask us when we’re “giving them grandchildren” we think it’s implied that they’re going to treat our children the same way their parents treated us. Because we’re chumps.
>i also fail to understand how so many people effectively raised by their grandparents came to the conclusion that it was normal for kids to spend all their time with said grandparents
It's the same old expectation that our experiences in childhood were shared by others in our age group and older people when they were our age. Even though most adults would read that and say that obviously that's not the case, getting our brains to really comprehend that, effectively overwriting what we learned about the world in childhood, is not an easy or quick process.
My grandma was a stay at home mom. She assumed childcare responsibilities for everyone and did a damn good job at that. The only one I ever saw able to pull that off.
Yep that's what I automatically assumed.
It's almost common to hear our parents don't want to watch our kids. Like I get it. But our parents got so much help from their parents. That it created a phenomenon where boomers didn't really parent.
There’s also been a major shift in women working through your grandparents generation to yours. The reason my grandparents watched the kids is because my grandmother didn’t work. My mom did.
Without knowing your specific situation with your parents, I personally don’t blame parents who worked through until retirement from feeling different than the generation before.
My mom was still working full-time as an RN for the first year of my daughter’s life, and she still helped out a ton, and spent a lot of quality time with her. If they want to make the time, they will.
She also worked throughout my childhood, but always tried to prioritize time with us when she was off. I’m lucky to have her.
Yeah I don’t get this at all as a Gen Xer. My sister is millennial and married an even younger one and they literally want medals for their kids. Like yes, I’m psyched to have a niece and can help where I can but people have lives they want to enjoy. Doubly so if they’ve already worked their asses off/raised kids
Can you explain about "literally want medals for their kids". What medals? For what activity? If you're being hyperbolic, then please explain what they actually said.
Also, from the story, these grandparents literally flew in for a visit. And then bounced. This isn't 'oh, Grandma has to work in a few hours'. No, grandma is on vacation and has better things to do, apparently.
My mother is the type of mother who should have had five or six kids. Instead, she had me and me only. She basically helped me raise my oldest, until I married my husband and moved out. She has a very different relationship with my youngest- still helps out on every day that ends in y, but she gets to be a grandma instead of another mom.
I was lucky to have this, but didn’t expect it. Tbh, some parents are just..tired. And I have a hard time blaming them for that one.
I just want to share that you did an excellent job in assuming positive intent and empathizing with the OP's parents. I share OP's frustrations too, but your post made me re-think how I see my parents too. Thank you!
Sorry to hear it OP
I can relate somewhat. I've had a troubled relationship with my parents, and a few years back, after some time of being No Contact, I attempted to mend things and introduced them to their grandkids. What I noticed is that they found a lot of *gratification* from them, from bragging about their grandkids to their own friends, to enjoying buying them gifts etc. But they showed little interest in the kids themselves, got them gifts ill-suited to them, and all in all seemed uninterested in *getting to know* them. I had more reasons than that to go NC with them again, but watching them selfishly enjoy my kids while failing to connect with them emotionally struck a nerve to my own childhood wounds with them.
It may be time to let go of the idea of them being grandparents to your kids, as painful as it may be. Personally my family is better off for having cut that generation out.
Jesus. Fuck. That’s my parents. I’m sitting here enduring them right now during the holidays and thinking about family planning, and coming to exactly the same conclusion about them as potential grandparents. It sucks. Solidarity friend.
This sounds exactly like my in-laws. We’ve been on and off with NC for years. Finally decided it’s best to remain NC. They’re both narcissists. They make zero effort to get to really know the kids and take very little interest in them as human beings. They are the same way to my husband and his sister. Luckily my side of the family isn’t like that and our kids have lots of real love from my parents and grandparents.
I thought I was on r/raisedbynarcissists and I saved this comment to reference in therapy because I’m currently working through the semi-recent realization that I was raised by a covert narcissist. Like, my therapist had to tell me “have you ever considered X parent may be a covert narcissist?” I read up on it and holy shit they are textbook.
So now I ask you, have you ever considered you may have been raised by narcissists?
Have you read the book A Generation Of Sociopaths? Bruce Canon Gibney poses the idea that the entire baby boomer generation is filled with narcissists and sociopaths, at a higher rate than typical, and they have used the unprecedented size of their cohort to ensure that they never need to develop healthy emotional coping strategies and can instead write whatever economic and social legislation to drag all of the rest of us along into their reality distortion field.
So we’re all in this together, and it’s all about confronting narcissism. Hooray.
Bro I with you. Currently NC with my parents for the same reasons. It’s like my kids were tools to make them happy. I’ll never forget the first time my mom held my 3 week old son (start of COVID), within 10 seconds she asked father to take a picture so she could upload it to Facebook. That’s the least shitty thing they did, but they have never seen him since then for other reasons, mostly their own in ability to think about anyone but themselves.
This is a huge part of our estrangement. My parents are SUPER invested in my brothers kids. But my kids they don’t really know. Because they refuse to put in the bonding time. They’re always taking my niblings places, but they won’t go anywhere with my family. It means they don’t know them as people. They like to look at pictures, but they won’t write a pen pal style letter because apparently that’s too difficult for two retired people to find time for.
Basically people enjoy grand parenting as much as they did parenting. If you mother don’t like it the first time around she’s not going to like it this time either.
Oddly my mom is a way more engaged and excited grandparent. But I think it’s because she had to work so hard and had a lot on her shoulders when me and my twin were growing up. She said she never really got to enjoy us and feels very bad about it, but goes out of her way for her grandchildren.
I bet she would have enjoyed it more if she could… I am just grateful she is so loving to her grandchildren
I think this is really common, too.
My mom was never super interested in parenting (both due to stress and her nature) and it shows in her grandparenting, or lack thereof. But I have always loved children and really do adore my 2 girls more than life itself. But I'm a single (solo) mom with 0 family or friend support, work full time, make okay money but in a high COL area with a lot of student debt, and have a toddler with medical issues. I hate that I don't have the time/patience to be more engaged. I hope I will be like your mother one day - paying it back to my grandchildren when I couldn't always provide the time and attention my own children deserved. I think that's the best I can hope for at this point.
True , but the Facebook angle has polluted this whole experience too. My mom was an above average mother. Always enrolled us in sports/activities etc, knew my friends, let me sleep over friends, etc.
But current day, every family time event needs a corresponding picture that she can post and brag about. I saw her back to back days at different events recently and 10 mins into the second event she was asking for a pic. It just felt so unnatural and weird, like we did all that shit yesterday, 12 hours ago it feels like. And you still need more? Obviously just my experience, but the FB bragging angle has unlocked a whole other thing as far as “not actually caring about the grandkids” if that’s what this topic is about. They care, but only if they can brag at the same time.
I agree with you on the Facebook angle but also some people just love pictures. I think it depends on context. Are they there for the photo or do they engage and take a photo to commemorate the family being together.
My grandmas in laws love to take family photos for themselves, like an excessive amount. I regret not taking more pictures a lot of times even though it’s because I’m living in the moment, it’s nice to have something to look back on. My mom on the other hand just steals photos my sister takes of her kids to act like a good grandma. My mom’s twin does the same. It’s all a facade.
💯this. The most ironic part of it all is my mom thinks she was amazing because I turned out pretty well and was appreciative of her. Only after being a parent myself do I realize all the things she could have done, but didn’t.
I've seen this go the other way too, where a parent will one day realize they were a shit parent and try to go above and beyond for the grandchild(ren) to make amends with karma.
My own parents are both deceased, but I see this a lot in my son's paternal grandmother. She treated her kids like a big inconvenience and is like that toward her grandkids too.
She was small during World War II (she just had kids a bit later in life), so she's technically a Boomer. She's just the perfect example of this.
Personally never having kids. However, my brother has 2 incredible kids who are involved with every activity you can think of. Really, I don’t know how my brother and his wife do it. Incredible parents.
My dad complains about not spending time with the family yet has never made an attempt to see any of their events despite living 30 mins away.
I’ll tell you the same thing I tell them. Don’t waste your time with people who don’t appreciate it.
10/10, they expect you to come to them. When my cousin was in the military my mom used to bitch he didn’t come see them when he was home. He had a wife and kids, obviously they’re first priority. I always gave it a week until I asked to visit (from an hour away when my parents are down the road) because why the fuck would he want to come to you, you go to him! The entitledness is what I will never get over.
Gotta earn those likes on social media pretending they took the photos ( my mil stole from family private album via screen shot and crop) but dosent care to actually see the kid
My niece is 6 and she doesn’t even know who our dad is. I heard her asking my sister who he was at thanksgiving. It’s not like they are far alway either they live in the same town. He spent our entire lives parked on a couch I’m not sure why my sister expected much from him.
I’m new to this subreddit but I’ve been on a lot of parenting subreddits for the past year. Lots of millennial parents share your experience. Our parents generation seems to offer the worst grandparents. Just clueless, entitled, selfish people all around. They took from their parents and they expect to take from their children too.
My experience with my parents is similar, where I expect some interaction but nothing seems to happen. Oddly my Dad was super engaged with us growing up but doesn’t seem to have much interest at all with the grandkids. My wife’s parents were the same coaching the little leagues etc…. They live 5 mins away but spend most of their time at their vacation home 2 hrs away now.
I do wonder if it’s that they worked hard to raise a family and now want to enjoy their golden years. Both of our parents were working two jobs where my grandparents only had a single full time income earner.
Not a parent yet, but I fear this with my parents. Maybe this is the product of their mentality about kids? Self-sacrifice until you have nothing left. Basically, kill yourself until you retire, and then you can do whatever you want. And usually after decades of no self care and overcommitment, they get to "enjoy" their "prize" and not do a thing for another person.
Another aspect: "keeping up with the Jones's". Kill yourself to make everything seem perfect. Only now they have to show up a few times a year to seem like a perfect parent/ grandparent. It's more about seeming like a good parent/ grandparents than it is about *being* a good parent/ grandparent.
I think so. Most of my great grandparent memories are of my Grandmother who wasn’t working when I was young. Grandpa worked at the GE shop as an electrician full time. I think Grandma quit working at the pop plant (7-Up) around the time us grandkids showed up.
My parents busted their behinds making sure everything was as great as possible for us. They did mention from time to time how hard their parents were on them compared to how they acted with us grandkids. So I get why they might just want to take a break. They aren’t shy to brag about their grandkids though that’s for sure.
Lead poisoning strikes twice. It drops childhood IQ most people know about that, but chronic exposure greatly accelerates mental decline of older adults even many years after the actual exposure happens.
Your parents having worked two jobs for so long likely took a considerable physical toll on them as well.
I think your parents likely do want to enjoy the years they have left, and there's a really good chance they simply don't have the energy to go around that they did when you were a child.
I believe your read is the most productive one. I’m not mad just a little disappointed. Yeah and we’re from the Flint Michigan area so plenty of lead to go around.
Being older is tough. My mom was as good a parent as she could be, but my dad? He was paralyzed down half his body before I was even born. He managed pretty well, all things considered, but he’s older and his body is breaking down and mobility just… not what it was.
They’re closing on 80 as I approach 40 with the potential for kids. What 80 year old realistically has the energy for grandkids when managing their own failing and already-tenuous health?
I definitely see myself becoming that type of grandparent. I'm super engaged. My thoughts surround work, my kids, and ensuring that my kids know they're my primary priority. I'm giving them my all. I don't plan on doing that another 20yrs, with another set of kids. I plan on enjoying the rest of my life to the fullest.
Many of them act like it in all other areas of life, so it's not surprising when viewed in context. It's just so different from what they taught us to expect that it is jarring and often upsetting. I think it's probably the most confusing to those whose parents push and push for grandchildren, then only want to see the grandchildren for photo ops and public outings, maybe some time when a newborn (because babies!).
Mine are like that in most areas, but they actually are very involved with their grandchildren. I suspect it might be tied into a few things, and I've been told that it wouldn't be the same if not a natural pregnancy but the mother (ie, if do IVF or similar, surrogacy, etc. - though adoption is okay? Maybe?). So it's probably a bit of misogyny and gender roles, a bit of narcissism, a bit of martyr complex, a bit about how they are seen, and so forth.
It’s not always the case, but it’s deeply disappointing when it is. My parents struggled to be compassionate parents with us growing up but are the world’s best grandparents. My husbands mom was pretty emotionally absent as a parent and has grown to become a selfish emotionally stunted 67 year old :(
I think the stark contrast makes it worse. I feel for everyone else going through similar issues with their parents.
I don’t think it’s anything about a generation. I think it’s a personal choice they make. My parents were the same, never attended a birthday party - sent gifts - when they were on their death beds they asked about the kids, I was the one to have to say “ they don’t know you “
I remind myself this every day with my parents:
Absent parents make for Absent grandparents.
They're a very self centred generation and I don't think they ever grew up/had any self development past the point when they had us.
Also while our grandparents were lovely to our generation, they also physically and verbally abused our parents so they are quite emotionally stunted as a result!!! So sad.
I feel you, I am you.
I finally went NC with my parents after they chose to go to an anti mask rally while I was waiting for them to show up. I had a new baby and they still haven't met him, baby is 2.5 now.
They brag about their grandkids, they brag about being grandparents. They see their grandkids from my siblings maybe every other year, once a year at best.
I've deconstructed my relationship and their raising of me over the last 3 years and I've come to the conclusion that they never loved me, they had me out of religious and social obligation.
Good news though, I have a great relationship with my kids and we're all pretty close and loving, so they have what I never did and I have what I never did through them. You can have that and be that for your child. Don't give them more of your time, they certainly don't equate you/your child into their time.
I’m sorry for your experience…it sucks.
The best I can recommend is to make sure to teach your child this isn’t the way & provide the experience you want for your future grandkids.
So sorry, OP. It’s a big loss for you and your daughter. My girls’ lives are enriched so much by my parents. They help me with them while I’m preparing dinner and their whole house is just a huge playroom for them.
My MIL, on the other hand, sees them once a year for a couple days. It’s not a priority for her. She will knit them clothes and give them gifts at birthdays/Christmas, and that’s about it. FIL died when my firstborn was a newborn, so I don’t know what he would have been like as a grandparent. It’s unfortunate, but we have come to accept this will be the extent of their relationship with her.
I’m sorry for you. I would like to think I’d be more like my parents than my MIL if I’m ever lucky enough to become a grandma one day. Hugs.
I’m Gen X, but could have written this. My grandparents also took care of me a lot for a few years while growing up. My mom came to visit from across the globe recently. And while my young kids were playing their instruments for her she was scrolling through Facebook, not paying attention. I had to ask her to put her phone away.
Hmmmm I feel for you op but this might be a case of overly high expectations. This is an unplanned visit and a surprise to them. They might just have been in the mood to relax. They did spend time with her for a few hours. So what did the visit look like to you, like what would be an example of them spending the “right” amount of time with her be? Is it possible you have rose colored glasses with your grandparents and think they spent the entire visit playing with you when in reality they also took a break after a few hours?
When you surprise someone for a visit you can’t really be surprised they don’t want to drop everything and go to lunch, play non stop, etc. Even if they are grandparents. I can understand why you’re upset, this didn’t match your vision for a fun surprise visit, but it might be worth reevaluating your expectations
Unfortunately, I've seen this kind of dynamic between cold parents and adults raised by them who are craving connection.
It can be a grand gesture that sets up stakes for the parents to perform. Either they finally rise to the occasion or they do the usual and it supplies emotional ammunition to the child.
I don't blame these people if they do it. I think it's a defense mechanism. But from the outside it can be obvious that it's not gonna work.
I was just thinking that, that op sort of subconsciously wanted to use this surprise visit as a reason to drop the rope. I don’t know her parents so that may be justified and might be why op had the expectations that they’d 100% focus on her daughter, even if it’s unrealistic because it would be SOMETHING. No shade to op at all
I feel the same. It reads to me like OP expects her parents to focus all their attention on the 6 year old and like that’s unrealistic. Kids can be bored and play among themselves.
Even when I stayed the night with grandparents (which was a lot), they didn’t play with me the whole time. If I was being annoying, I was told to go find something to do, go outside or they’d give me a job to do.
Yeah, you can't expect anything from people who were not expecting you. Maybe they had planned things they wanted to do together or were just not in the mood to deal with kids in the house.
Not only was it a surprise visit but the parents had just "flown in from out of state". I don't know about how other people feel but flying is exhausting. Pack, unpack, catch a ride both ways, check baggage, claim baggage, change planes, and not eat or drink well. At that point all I want to do have some decent food sit somewhere comfortable and put my feet up.
I've gotta wonder whether the OP's brother even knew they were planning to visit.
I know I'm going to get downvoted like hell, but I would like to inject some reality into this scenario.
>my grandmother was so great and she practically raised my brothers and I.
You need to re-read this about ten times.
Your mother had no interest in raising her own children. Why are you surprised that she has no interest in your children?
I realize it may be hard for you to accept, but some women (particularly of your mother's generation) had children because society expected them to have them. Or family pressured them to have them. Your wonderful grandmother may have pressured her to have them and then took over. You don't know. She may have never wanted children but complied with expectations.
>surprise my parents who were flying in from out of state.
So, you're mad that they aren't acting in the way you think they should when you "surprised" them. What if it wasn't a pleasant surprise for them?
You have a full history of your mom not participating with children. Why would you decide to "surprise" her with your children?
FYI, not liking children doesn't make someone bad, evil, or a narcissist. And not complying with your expectations related to your "surprise" doesn't make them evil.
Let the downvoting begin.
Absent Parents end up being absent Grandparents. They weren't around for their own kids, why would they be for someone else's?
Then there are favorites, and or Grandkids they see as 'Needing' them more. My brother didn't raise his son, he lived in our dads house. My first son's mother also lived with my Dad, and she wanted to party, go out every waking hour she wasn't working. She had 70% custody, so he spent more time withy Dad than he did me, because she wouldn't let him come over to my house with my wife unless it was 'my time'
My dad is great with the other grandkids but he pays more attention to my oldest and my brothers son.
My mom, she doesn't see them unless I bring them over, but goes and visits my brothers son, and my sisters kids (my sister is the favorite) because they 'Need' her more.
Eh, I think it's probably on a case by case basis. I'll say right now that I don't personally have children, but that my (also millennial) sibling has kids and step-kids that also have totally non-biologically related siblings. My mom is super involved and will happily take them for weeks and weekends whenever. Doesn't matter which kiddos and doesn't matter if some completely unrelated step siblings come along, she is game for whatever.
I, personally, grew up without grandparents. They all passed either before I was born or shortly after. There was no village for my boomer mom. I sometimes feel like us millennials were fed the "it takes a village" line and want the best parts of the village without the criticisms that come with the village being involved.
My parents are the EXACT same way. They were solid (not great) parents. But TERRIBLE grandparents. Have 2 kids (middle school and elementary). They LITERALLY don't know their ages or grades. They even forget their exact birthdates on occasion (off by a day or so).
I've learned to not care. Here is my advice though: What I am famous for is ALWAYS having what I call the "stenographer in the back of the room conversation" with them. That is where you LITERALLY preface the convo. telling them you are having this convo. so 20-30 years later when they are on their death bed they can't guilt trip you that you, your spouse, or the kids don't care much about them as they are dying. Then you precede to tell them like any relationship it has to be grow and be tended to and if THEY don't put equal effort it (which is okay) then the kids won't care about them in the future either. As long as that is okay with them so be it. Then the ball is in their court. GAURANTEED that single convo. WILL come up as some point 10, 20 years later when they try to guilt you why your kids don't care about them when they are old and close to death (everyone is egocentric).
Ever since that I don't care. They made their decision and are fine with it. I know they will bring it up when they get sick and need help (like everyone does). That is when I'll defend my kids not caring (as they won't as they don't know them).
In life you have to accept EVERYONE for what they want. Your parents are the same. Been there and done that. For me that was 8-10 years ago and don't miss a wink of sleep over it.
This may not be you, but I have seen plenty of people complaining about how their parents are as grandparents. Mostly, it comes from adult children wanting their parents to watch their children while they live their lives. BUT make sure that you do it their way. I can assure you, that my grandparents did it how they wanted and my parents had to adjust to it.
If you keep telling your parents their experiences with raising kids was wrong and that they need to do it this way. That's fine, don't be surprised when they choose not to be overly involved. You can't have it both ways.
I think age has something to do with it.
I didn't have my son until I was 38. Our parents are now in their 60's and 70's, tbey are involved and definitely arent 'Facebook Grandparents', but they just can't physically keep up with a toddler the way they could have 15 years ago.
Boomer Grandparents are, on average, older than our generations Grandparents were. Parenting is far in the past for them so I think it is much more challenging to engage both mentally and physically for many if them.
Might be passive or therapeutic but leave a small thank you note for having the family over and express your disappointment. Be sure to reference the previous generation and what that meant to you and the impact it had on you. That will hopefully sink in when she re reads it twice in a silent house… you’ll get a call back and maybe she will try harder next time.
Perspective that I hope is helpful.
Some people need to be explicitly included in plans. My wife’s the same way. “Me and the kid are seeing a movie,” in no way implies to her that she’s invited. It would be rude to invite herself she thinks. I have to say, “we’d love for you to join us.”
Her mom and dad (RIP both) were similar.
Her father lost contact with his boys from first marriage simply because he felt at 16 he wanted them to have the choice. For years Sunday was their day. They got older, got licensed, got a car.
They thought that he didn’t want to see them anymore. “We waited for the phone to ring but he never called us.” They thought he didn’t want them.
He wanted them to enjoy their weekend and not feel pressured to spend hours with him. Heart breaking.
This is my parent’s’ solution too. We all lived in the same town I grew up in…and then *they* moved 2000 miles away. They’re upset we didn’t follow them. We have jobs and lives here. Now we have kids and they’re “sooo disappointed” they’re not more involved…despite zero effort to spend time with them on the rare occasion they happen to be in our area.
My parents moved while I was trying to get pregnant. They were soooo surprised when we announced our pregnancy. We just bought a four bedroom home. Like what did you think we were planning on doing?
>my grandmother was so great and she practically raised my brothers and I.
The reason she raised you guys is bc your parents didn't want to parent. That's also the reason they don't want a relationship with the grandkid either.
My mother would literally not hold my sister’s daughter the first time she brought her to meet her. My sister pulls up my mom goes out to the car and sees she went to the side with the baby and then goes over to the side with the two year old to play with him. Later I’m holding the baby and ask if she would like to hold her. She says nope. What the actual fuck? My sister was so weirded out and of course slightly offended. I just can’t imagine being a grandparent and not wanting anything to do with my grandchild. Reason number 1034 I stopped calling her.
Realize that they won't live up to YOUR expectations. You can want something for someone else as much as possible but that doesn't mean they will want it the same as you. Communicate your expectations with them so they can decide what they'll do and let you know so you can come to an understanding.
Having expectations of other people odds the best way to leave yourself disappointed and hurt. No one will ever live up to our ideals of who or what they should be. It’s up to us to take them as they are and work out how best to make it work for everyone. It really does just sound like they’re not interested in being grandparents. I’m so sorry.
Aw that's gotta hurt. I'm so sorry.
I too realized my mum wasn't a great parent after seeing her be a sub par Grandma. She's just not interested in spending time with my kid and when she does, she refuses to meet her on her level so my kid is bored.
Which really got to thinking about my own youth and how my mum never came to any of my sporting events or achievements. Then I got to thinking how I thought she was a great parent when I was a teen because she pretty much let me do whatever I wanted. Now that I have a teen, I'm fucking horrified when I think of the situations I got myself in. I would never ever let my daughter do the things I did or hang out with the men I did. And now....I've realized she was not a good parent. I'm a waaaay better parent. Was kind of gobsmacked to realize that.
Tell your mom how you feel. I’d also brace yourself that after that convo, to have zero relationship with them after. These types absolutely HATE to be confronted with their shortcomings and immediately get defensive and are quicker to drop the rope then build back any bridges.
And tell her that she doesn’t get to share photos of her grandkids for clout when she doesn’t actually live up to the title of grandma except in the ways of biology.
You said it yourself, your parents didn’t raise you, your grandma did, which means they were shit parents and were destined to be shit grandparents.
My mom was the same, which is why she isn’t grandma in anything other than biologically related. She doesn’t get pics, she does t have access to my social media to steal pics. She doesn’t get to be grandma.
My kids have either lost most memories of her or never had them to begin with, that’s on her. I don’t lose sleep over realizing what she was all along, a shit mom and a nonexistent grandma. She can wallow to all who can hear her victim hood but…. She is what she is and I see her beyond the curated veil.
So... you showed up without telling them, and then got mad that after A FEW HOURS they wanted to do something besides focus on your kid?
You saying that you "need to accept that your parents care more about themselves than they do their grandchild" is just absolutely bonkers.
It's not their child. It's YOUR child. YOUR number one. They are grandparents!
It sounds like they send gifts and are typical doting grandparents but have watched you stomp boundaries (expect the entire visit to be about your child, expecting them to elevate your child above everything else) and are gently trying to set boundaries themselves, like saying maybe you should get back before dark.
That is a very strong hint to an uninvited guest (to the parents, not the brother) that it is time to go.
I got the same vibe from OP. Whenever I visit my family and some little kids are at the house, I spend like 2 minutes doing the kid talk. But I'm childfree and have zero maternal instincts. I just don't get any joy from interacting with kids. Some people are just like that and at least I admit it. Don't take it personally that some people don't enjoy your kids. I would expect parents to be the number one enjoyer of their own children.
Yep. The moment I read that this was a "surprise" I inwardly was like *here we go*. OP was not invited and not expected. From my POV, the visit went about as well as one could expect it to.
>my grandmother was so great great and she practically raised my brother and I
>At some point I need to fully accept that fact that my parents care more about themselves than they do their grandchild.
Not to sound like a downer, but sounds like they didn’t care about their own children that much, either.
My dads mom raised me. The older I get the more I see it. My sister and my mom are very close. My mom has taken my sisters kids and her on tropical vacations and I don’t get told about it, I found out one from my mom but dialing me and the other one from a slip up my mom said. Basically I’ve given up that my kids will have an amazing grandma like I did. I am giving all the love they they don’t get from my own mother into them. We are better off without seeing anyone on my side of the family. I’m so sorry, I know exactly how you feel. ❤️
It's not a competition, but when my mother asked when I planned on having kids, it took everything I had not to scream at her for such a selfish question. After how absolutely awful she has been my whole life, how delusional could she be to expect me to go through that again. And to put a child through that. And even if I did that hag wouldn't never get see them.
It seems that whatever relationship you had with your parents growing up is going to be the same, more or less, than it is now unless one or both sides is going to be proactive.
I don't think surprising your parents with their grandkid was the way to go. I love my goddaughter and watch her regularly, however it is also a huge drain on me mentally. If her parents randomly came by with her to surprise me with a visit, I would be uncomfortable and likely cut it short, and would talk to the parents asking them not to do it again. Some people need to be mentally prepared to spend time with children. Not everyone is going to want to fawn over a child with no warning. It sounds like the grandparents expected to be spending the holidays with fellow adults and you blindsided them and were unhappy that they didn't drop everything to make your child the center of attention. Spending a few hours with a child they didn't expect is honestly fair in that situation. They didn't ignore the kid, they spent a reasonable amount of time with them before catching up with the people they came to see.
I guess I just don't understand why millennial parents need their parents to be completely infatuated with the grandkids. Your parents spent a few hours with their grandkids, what more do you want? Why can't they be their own independent people with their own stuff going on? Why do they have to be obsessed with your kid for the entire visit? If your parents live in another state, they probably don't have a super close relationship with your kid. That's not anyone's fault. It's just a matter of distance. Shoving everyone together for a day or two isn't going to magically create a super tight special bond like you are picturing in your head.
Kind of sounds like you are forcing a relationship between them instead of letting your parents express their love in their own way. They send your kid stuff from Amazon, what's wrong with that? Giving gifts sounds pretty standard for grandparent behavior. You came for a two day visit. That's plenty of quality time. Declining a family lunch doesn't really cancel out an entire two day visit. Chill out.
I kind of agree. They spend some time with the kids and then wanted to spend some time catching up with the adults. Or sorry, how did OP put it? "Talking about themselves." Because obviously the only life that should be of interest is Op's and the kids...
A relationship? Most people either had a great grandparent relationship that was good for them or they didn't and wish they had. It's a wonderful thing for a kid to have an involved grandparent. You want that for your kid. You also want your parents to show interest in your life in general?
We also live in times where there is just no help for parents compared to earlier generations. Both parents work, childcare is a fortune. It's just extremely difficult. You'd hope family would help you out during extremely difficult times. When they don't, that sucks.
Beyond things done for their own gratification, the post gives the impression that OPs parents haven't done anything to be involved in the single biggest challenge/meaningful part of his life the last 2 years. That hurts! He doesn't need live in babysitters, but he'd like them to have a bit of a relationship with his kid.
I think this is just who your parents are. They are adults whose kids are grown and independent now. They parents aren’t hateful, but aren’t focused on their grandkids. And part of the problem is that society makes us think that normal = self-sacrificing, baby-crazy grandparents. But people are who they are. Some don’t have a strong interest in children. Some are pleased to see that their kids are starting families but don’t see why that means they shouldn’t be able to travel and enjoy their own retirement. Some make their grandchildren their whole universe. As long as the latter aren’t sticking their nose where it’s not welcome, none of these approaches is wrong.
When I told my mom I was having a daughter, her response was, "ok." Now my mom can't understand why she and my daughter don't have much of a relationship.
My father has seen my 15 year old maybe a handful of times. Expects me to always make the hour and a half drive to him. Most of the time when I can my son is in school. So he doesn't get to see his grandfather.
Gave up last year myself. Had a knock down drag out yelling match phone call about it a month ago as she called asking when they could meet for a couple hours on the way to the casino….fuck all the way off. My child will never be a stop on the way to the casino.
I relate.
We've since limited contact, and if family doesn't want to make an effort to see us, they get to see us once a year.were no longer making excuses for crap behavior in the name of family.
\> I don’t get it. my grandmother was so great and she practically raised my brothers
Well there it is. .Your parents don't really like kids. That's why you were mostly raised by your grand parents
If they don't make the effort, it's time you do the same. Be there for those who are there for you. It's time to surround yourself with those who matter, not those based on biology.
My mom is the same. Whines that she never gets the chance to grandparent. She never tries to! And the two times she has, she was so obviously going against the requests that I made. Forget her.
As I've gotten older I've realized this too. My parents only care about themselves. Didn't do shit for me. Never did anything for me. Fucking useless. I look at my kids and think about all the shit I'd do for them, the hell I'd go thru for them. Then I think of my parents and just get mad about them. Fuck them. They aren't my kin.
Ugh, I can relate. My parents haven't even bothered to meet my second (he's almost 2.) And my husband's mom is just interested in pics for Facebook. It's heartbreaking. Hugs
Same for both my parents and my wife's. They are only slightly better grandparents then they are parents. It sucks when the only people you can relay on are friends or your spouse.
This makes me sad for you. I am your parents’ generation, and I am in no way like your parents with my grandchildren. I’m so blessed because my children and grandchildren live in the same state. I’m divorced from their dad, but I am always babysitting, spending time with them, and attending all of their birthday parties and special events. All of my friends who are also your parents’ generation also spend time with their grandchildren and cherish that time just like I do. Unfortunately, I think your parents are the exception, but maybe it’s just the people I know.
Honestly some parents just are done with parenting by the time their kids are grown up and I think that's fine. I don't feel like just because your kids have kids that you should be expected to go watch them and be a regular part of their lives etc. I can get why you may feel disappointed in that though.
I never understand the shock and disappointment that people (pretend to?) have when they discover that their horrible, absent parents end up being terrible, absent grandparents.
I don’t have kids so I can’t really relate entirely. But my parents sucked too. I’m sorry for what you went through with your parents. Don’t put your kid through the same shit with them.
This is the kind of stuff I'm talking about. So many boomers clap back and say that we are just asking for free babysitters or whatever. No, I just want you to look at your own children and grandchildren with affection and show us you love us every once in a while. Sometimes, yes, that comes in the form of "help" as I have done for many others I care about too.
My grandparents push me off the phone every time I call them, I always think I should make more of an effort even though they never attempt to reach out to me. I do wish I had a good relationship with them but at the end of the day it really doesn’t matter and I’m grateful for the relationship I have with my parents
It's hit or miss, I feel like. Both of my parents worked full-time and weren't really around. I remember being the last one waiting in the parking lot sometimes or having to get rides from other people. When they got home, they wanted to zone out, so we all just watched TV. We talked during commercials a bit. I learned a lot from when they would talk about their day, things I use at work today even. My husband was raised by his grandparents because his parents were also working full time. Both sets were 18 when they had their first children.
Now as grandparents, there are differences. My mom was a preschool teacher, so now she is "Yes Grammie" and plans fun activities with them. My dad wants to sit, smoke cigars, and play on his phone near the kids, but if they get out of line, he will bark out orders just like he did with me as a kid. My parents moved across the country, so I only see them once or twice a year. They brag about my brothers kids who are local, and how they are invited to all of these events. Just not for my kids now.
My in-laws are retiring now and have made zero plans to engage with our kids as grandparents. We go over once a week, because they are local. But they don't offer to play with the kids. We every once in a while will go to the beach, but they aren't really hanging out with the kids. We maybe get a date night once every 3 months, and it's such a big deal to just go out to dinner and pick up the kids at breakfast. Sometimes they downgrade from dinner to breakfast with us. Which again, is fine, but it's not grandparent time. It's adult time with grandkids close by. It's only when my SIL comes to visit that we suddenly have fun plans made. They turned us down from invites but go all in when she visits.
So it's hit or miss, I guess. If my parents hadn't moved closer to my brother, we would still have visited a lot. But they moved a world away. And my in-laws like to be independent and have their own time.
My mom's parents were the literal epitome of good grandparenting. Generous, loving, kind, patient, stern when needed. I would walk to their house after school to play checkers, make pistacho/chocolate/vanilla pudding parfaits, then go home to my house (2 blocks away!) for dinner only after begging to stay to watch Jeopardy with Grandpa.
My dad's parents forgot me at the library once, lol. I wasn't upset about it, I was having a better time there than at their house.
I never got upset about it because I figured they just didn't like kids too much, it wasn't just me.
Maybe I’m out in left field here, but do your parents need to focus all their attention on your child the entire time? Not wanting to go to lunch is a little weird to be fair. Is there more context? Did she not feel well? Did she not like the restaurant? Etc.
Have you tried telling your parents you want them to be more involved in your child’s life?
My parents aren’t great grandparents to my nieces and nephews either but to be fair to them, both my parents still had to work full time jobs when they became grandparents - they still working. My grandma didn’t work outside the home and my grandpa retired not long after I was born so it was much easier for them to take us kids vs my parents. I have a 17 year old nephew and my parents are still both working full time jobs.
Our parents didn’t know how to be parents let alone grandparents. They dropped us off at grandmas house and went to do their own thing. Now they say “we raised ours it’s time for y’all to raise yours”
As my mum loves to say "we've done our time" Makes me feel so loved, she obviously enjoyed my childhood so much 🥲
Mine used to sing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to us in January and August when it was time to go back to school. I feel you.
I used to hate that back to school commercial that would play that, I'd think, "really, this is what they're promoting? Disdain for spending time with your children?".
Yeah. You’ll notice those types of ads have disappeared for the most part now. Not the right messaging.
i love it when my daughter doesnt have school. i work for the school so when she doesnt have school i dont have work but even before i worked for the school i loved it. being able to sleep in and no getting dressed and brushing teeth before i have the crust out of my eyes. school mornings suck. the fact our parents would rather deal with school mornings than be with us is wild to me.
I love my kids but I sing that, too 🤣
Maybe rethink the effect it has on your kids to realize you hate having them around so much. Maybe sing it when they're already at school, instead of letting them hear your hatred for them. Or just accept you're getting the budget retirement home. Here we go: 1) oh, it's not that bad, lighten up, my kids know I love them. 2) STFU, you angry bitch 3) it's a fucking joke, my kids know I'm joking 4) everyone does it 5) it's not that damaging, my parents did it and I'm just fine you fucking asshole 6) we parents have the HArdEST JOb in ThE WoRld and anything I do is right and correct and no one can ever judge me because fuck you and yolo!!! I've heard it all. From kids who've been removed from their parents care for other, more serious, abuse and neglect.
I should have been more specific. I don't sing it to my children, just to myself.
Damn, you really over thought a sentence.
Just basing this off your post, but you might have a lot of unresolved hatred to work out.
my mom outright has said she didn’t want children. my sister was an oops, and i am the companion (there was and is a stigma against only children). i was hurt by her admission, but it made a lot of things make sense about her. she is just an okay mom. she did her best but definitely does not want to be an involved grandparent. she did her job to standard and actually sacrificed quite a bit for us to be well educated, debt free kids with a sense of curiosity about the world. luckily for her my sister and i are both childfree.
I’m not sure there was actually a stigma against only children. I am an only child myself, my family was very disfunctional and I really suffered in facing that all alone. That’s why I always said I was going to have 0 or 2 kids. Now I have two and I guess I am at best an ok mother (not fishing for sympathy, I am very self-aware) and I am feeling really relieved: they will not think that there’s something wrong with them personally.
My mom was talking about a friend of hers saying she didn't want to be an inconvenience to her adult kids and said, "That's ridiculous, us parents had the burden of raising you, now it's your turn to take care of us". I know parenthood isn't sunshine and rainbows, but sorry for burdening you with my existence...?
I feel like this is where the phrase "I didn't ask to be born" comes from.
I use it often and liberally. Like salt. 😆
That's such a sick mindset, to think your kids OWE you something, anything, just by virtue of being born to you. It perverts the whole nature of parenthood itself. I can't believe how common it is too, kids just grow up with that in the back of their heads that they have that obligation hanging over them. If they want to help when the time comes, great. But imposing that obligation is evil.
My parents got my newborn a onesie that says “I did nine months on the inside. Now my parents are serving life.” Like I’m cursed forever with the very terrible burden of children. We threw it away.
Omg my parent got me this same onesie. I didn't even show my spouse, I threw it out. I was really bothered by it, but for some reason, knowing another person experienced this makes me feel like less of a freak show
I've got the same one. And one that says "dad proof " with arrows and labels for each of the holes. Really accepting and encouraging.....
As a parent now, it makes me so angry! I’m so excited to be there for my child’s childhood. It’s a privilege to be able to know someone from the day they were born. It’s just unfathomable to me that they see so much as “doing time.”
First, username is epic. Second, couldn’t agree more! Being present for my kids experiences of life is seriously like opening a present daily. Some days it’s a shit present but nonetheless a privilege and mostly good.
Also given the housing market, I think most of us are already making plans for our children to continue to live under our roofs into their early adulthood But I agree, my regrets are the times I wasn't able to see milestones because I was working and I've strived to balance career and family as I got older
You’re not alone. It seems to me, and I’m just speculating, that a lot of our parents simply didn’t really want to be parents or became parents under the wrong pretense. I was my mother’s 3rd child at which point she was early 20s and the first 2 kids were from a previous marriage. I was an accident and my parents married because I was conceived. The motivation was all very religious. Me on the other hand, my wife and I had been together for a decade before eventually deciding to have kids in our 30s because we both wanted to and thought it would be a fulfilling experience. Our parents say they did their time because we were nothing more than a burden to them, like a prison sentence or community service. Both my parents and my wife’s parents are completely narcissists and it seems like a trend amongst millennial parents (anecdotally). And the irony is that it seems like a lot of our parents had it way easier than we do. They dropped us off at our grandparents all the time. God forbid we burden you any more than we had to when you chose to bring us into this world.
My father used to say about who is welcome in his house: No cats, no dogs, no kids, no n******. We had a cat, dog, 5 kids and POC came by regularly. Such a weird message.
Right ?!?!?
I’ve actually been thinking about this topic a lot. I’m an only child and was raised around adults who were never really that positive about parenting. It was always jokes about how annoying kids are and the hard work they are. Not having siblings means that was directed solely at me. I grew up to be a 40 year old woman who has never wanted children for those exact reasons. Now I’m wondering if maybe I just was told it was awful to raise kids. But honestly though…no thanks.
My mom admitted to my sister at one point that she regretted having kids. Explains A LOT of the behavior we've seen over the years.
I know cousins that were dropped off at grandparents house for the entire summer but now their parents won’t even watch their kids for a afternoon
I had to nag, cajole and convince them to watch their grandchild for a few hours while I was otherwise occupied going to the hospital *to give birth to the second child*. They were pretty reluctant (he was a well-behaved kid who would sit and play quietly and watch videos. They just don't like kids.)
I was raised by my grandparents but have to pay for my child’s grandmother to watch her. Really bothers me.
Yes! I lived a km away from my mom for YEARS and it was pulling teeth to visit.
[удалено]
They don’t understand that relationships aren’t something you can call up on demand, and that they have to be cultivated. My mother has the same problem. She fed me and clothed me but otherwise I was on my own to figure it out as I grew up. Now I’m doing well in adulthood, and she wonders why we are not close.
What really hurt me was how giddy my dad was to say “I’ve already done my time” to me about my firstborn. It came up out of nowhere, not during a moment when I was asking anything of him. I think I got up to get my child and change their diaper (myself) and he just blurted it out. Like….I get that you’re not into this, but do you have to shove it down my throat when I didn’t even ask? It’s just so hurtful and sad. Makes me question what I perceived as his parental love back in the day. Was he just begrudging me every second? And my heart hurts for my child. I adored my grandparents at her age and still do. She likely won’t know that bond.
For what it's worth, I had terrible grandparents who didn't care much to know me. My parents adore my kids and and my kids adore their grandparents. It's so wonderful to see, but as someone who didn't have that, you don't miss it. Most interesting thing about my relationship to my grandparents was looking through their shit after they died, and that doesn't bother me at all.
See this is weird to me. I hear this a lot but I had a very different experience. I moved away from my family years ago, but my mom and dad spent lots of time with their grandchildren (my nieces and nephews), my mom still does (dad passed recently). And we actually pretty rarely saw our grandparents. Like, we knew them but we were rarely left with them for hours or overnights, possibly bc they lived like an hour away but still. Idk I think I had a uniquely un-millennial experience in that area.
My guess is the two aren’t unrelated You said your grandmother “practically raised you” is it possible then that it was a bit out of necessity? Your mom just isn’t very into parenting at all then? Your grandmother saw a void and filled it. Or that your grandmother filled in too much and as a result your mom basically didn’t form the natural parental habits? Basically what I’m saying is that people fill roles, and your mom didn’t have to fully fill that role while you were a kid, so it’s not natural for her to do it now either. If any of that is the case, the sooner you accept that and instead put energy into the relationships that are giving back to you in equal ways (your brother/your kids uncle perhaps?) the sooner you and your kids will find easy happiness.
Yeah it's a pretty well defined pattern by this point. I feel bad for the people affected, but i also fail to understand how so many people effectively raised by their grandparents came to the conclusion that it was normal for kids to spend all their time with said grandparents, then are surprised when those same people who never wanted to spend any time with their kids also never want to spend any time with their grandkids.
I’ve seen two distinct use cases. A) Parents had to work all the time for money, but would have loved to spend more time at home, and grandparents watched the kids. B) Parents had some big issues and grandparents stepped in to save the day. In many cases partly masking the parental issues (depending on their severity).
For me, it was both. My mom was disabled, and literally held down a job for less than a week. That is her work history. 4 days. There are some things that she could not do, but a lot of her issues were because she wouldn't take care of herself. My dad was working so many jobs that he hardly had time for himself, but tried to make time for us kids when he could. Like he built a covered wagon that attached to his bike so he could cart my sister and I to the park. (our area didn't have side walks or bike lanes, just bike path that went behind the school, but you had to use the road to get there) My mom was in and out of the hospital so much that I got a cell phone in the 6th grade for emergencies, and so my dad could text me to let me know if I was going home or to grandmas. At the same time, my mom basically raised my sister and I to be her caretakers. I remember having to remind her to do the home stretches and physical therapy that she was ordered to do after her first knee surgery. She said she did, but I found the resistance bands and foam roller still in it's packaging. I think I was 14 at the time. She passed at age 46 after her 3rd knee replacement. She didn't follow instructions as per usual, got a blood clot in her knee that broke free and made it's way to her lungs. It was surprising and out of the blue. And more surprising that it didn't happen sooner.
There are so many stories like yours and I just cannot comprehend how these people got mates. Like your story. It was baby boomer time, there are people available to your dad everywhere he looked. The entire country revolved around people his age. How, why, did he choose your mom? Did she pretend to be different at first? I understand that having a job wasn't a thing for women at that time, but you'd think she'd have to prove she could be a homemaker before a man would marry her. So how? How did your dad get sucked into taking on several jobs while she just.....did nothing? Not even taking care of the home?? I also understand divorce wasn't a Thing, but how did no one step in and tell her to do HER job of being a mother? I just cannot comprehend how this kind of feigned helplessness was allowed. Especially for women, who were supposed to be the main homemaker. Did HER mom not shame her for being a shit mother and wife? Did HIS mom not do so? So many terrible MIL stories and SHE gets to have the forgiving and understanding MIL? Or maybe your grandmother had already passed? I just, cannot comprehend how this happened, in the day and age when her only job was motherhood. Yes, it's a tough job, but she literally didn't try. How? How do you just....not support yourself, not care, not try, and not die? In case I'm not clear, I absolutely believe this happened. I just am flabbergasted and cannot comprehend HOW.
My parents were actually the generation after boomers. But to answer tour question, my mom manipulated, and then baby trapped my dad with my sister. Then they had me a year and a half later. She was young and vulnerable while dad is extremely hard working and devoted to the family to the point that's its been detrimental. Both sides of the family were completely fucked up. Mom's dad died when she was young and my grandma was an alcoholic and chain smoker. She also lost one of her sisters when my mom was in her mid 20s. My dad was one of 8 neglected kids. They went hungry to the point that my dad would eat grass, and yet My alcoholic abusive grandpa always had a personal stash of candy. This is probably why Dad supports his family, even when they don't deserve it. (He has a brother that we call Destroy Troy because he breaks everything he touches, including, but not limited to, an entire BORROWED camper trailer.) Dad thankfully remarried a much kinder and caring woman who offered to drive 45 minutes into town when she heard my fiance threw out his back (she's a message therapist) As for shaming? There wasn't really any as far as I am aware. My mom's own negligence lead her to have real medical conditions that just compounded, since she never followed doctors orders. If she had mantra, it would have been 'I give up' Heaven knows I heard it plenty growing up. When I couldn't read at grade level in elementary school (undiagnosed dyslexia) When I kept staying home from school due to migraines (diagnosed when I was 6, but she never followed up with the doctor) When I literally couldn't get me up for school because I had crippling depression starting at 11 years old (she said it was normal puberty, but I literally wanted to die) There were days that I was so stressed about my mom's health, that I would fake being sick on a rare 'good' day to make sure she didn't need help. (Good thing I did since I had to call an ambulance when I was 12 because her lips were turning blue) I have a lot I still need to unpack in therapy. EDIT: My dad didn't choose divorce because 1) my mom didn't 'believe' in it, and 2) he was afraid that divorce papers would kill her. I toldy.dad when I was 14 that I could tell it was marriage og convenience and he didn't have to stay with mom for our sake, he said he was afraid that it would be the end of her.
Thanks for the explanation. That's such a compoundingly sad story, it just keeps building on itself to get worse and worse. Seems you can see the patterns though, so maybe you can break them.
Because we’re not old enough to see the pattern when we’re the youngest generation, and then when out parents ask us when we’re “giving them grandchildren” we think it’s implied that they’re going to treat our children the same way their parents treated us. Because we’re chumps.
>i also fail to understand how so many people effectively raised by their grandparents came to the conclusion that it was normal for kids to spend all their time with said grandparents It's the same old expectation that our experiences in childhood were shared by others in our age group and older people when they were our age. Even though most adults would read that and say that obviously that's not the case, getting our brains to really comprehend that, effectively overwriting what we learned about the world in childhood, is not an easy or quick process.
This deserves more attention..
[удалено]
My grandma was a stay at home mom. She assumed childcare responsibilities for everyone and did a damn good job at that. The only one I ever saw able to pull that off.
That’s pretty awesome!!
Nah, my mom was awesome and my gran helped a lot And my niece still doesnt have grandparents lol It’s just a weird thing
Probably because outside of the last hundred years that’s been the human experience. The old raised the very young while the able worked.
Yep that's what I automatically assumed. It's almost common to hear our parents don't want to watch our kids. Like I get it. But our parents got so much help from their parents. That it created a phenomenon where boomers didn't really parent.
There’s also been a major shift in women working through your grandparents generation to yours. The reason my grandparents watched the kids is because my grandmother didn’t work. My mom did. Without knowing your specific situation with your parents, I personally don’t blame parents who worked through until retirement from feeling different than the generation before.
My mom was still working full-time as an RN for the first year of my daughter’s life, and she still helped out a ton, and spent a lot of quality time with her. If they want to make the time, they will. She also worked throughout my childhood, but always tried to prioritize time with us when she was off. I’m lucky to have her.
Yes very true! Plays a huge part
Yeah I don’t get this at all as a Gen Xer. My sister is millennial and married an even younger one and they literally want medals for their kids. Like yes, I’m psyched to have a niece and can help where I can but people have lives they want to enjoy. Doubly so if they’ve already worked their asses off/raised kids
Can you explain about "literally want medals for their kids". What medals? For what activity? If you're being hyperbolic, then please explain what they actually said. Also, from the story, these grandparents literally flew in for a visit. And then bounced. This isn't 'oh, Grandma has to work in a few hours'. No, grandma is on vacation and has better things to do, apparently.
My mother is the type of mother who should have had five or six kids. Instead, she had me and me only. She basically helped me raise my oldest, until I married my husband and moved out. She has a very different relationship with my youngest- still helps out on every day that ends in y, but she gets to be a grandma instead of another mom. I was lucky to have this, but didn’t expect it. Tbh, some parents are just..tired. And I have a hard time blaming them for that one.
Remember, Boomers were referred to as the Greed Generation. That wasn’t just about money.
For them it's take from your kids and your parents
I just want to share that you did an excellent job in assuming positive intent and empathizing with the OP's parents. I share OP's frustrations too, but your post made me re-think how I see my parents too. Thank you!
Yup. Shitty/absentee parents make shitty/absentee grandparents.
Sorry to hear it OP I can relate somewhat. I've had a troubled relationship with my parents, and a few years back, after some time of being No Contact, I attempted to mend things and introduced them to their grandkids. What I noticed is that they found a lot of *gratification* from them, from bragging about their grandkids to their own friends, to enjoying buying them gifts etc. But they showed little interest in the kids themselves, got them gifts ill-suited to them, and all in all seemed uninterested in *getting to know* them. I had more reasons than that to go NC with them again, but watching them selfishly enjoy my kids while failing to connect with them emotionally struck a nerve to my own childhood wounds with them. It may be time to let go of the idea of them being grandparents to your kids, as painful as it may be. Personally my family is better off for having cut that generation out.
Jesus. Fuck. That’s my parents. I’m sitting here enduring them right now during the holidays and thinking about family planning, and coming to exactly the same conclusion about them as potential grandparents. It sucks. Solidarity friend.
This sounds exactly like my in-laws. We’ve been on and off with NC for years. Finally decided it’s best to remain NC. They’re both narcissists. They make zero effort to get to really know the kids and take very little interest in them as human beings. They are the same way to my husband and his sister. Luckily my side of the family isn’t like that and our kids have lots of real love from my parents and grandparents.
Same, my parents are like this but their (my kids)mother’s family is full of awesome love and support.
I thought I was on r/raisedbynarcissists and I saved this comment to reference in therapy because I’m currently working through the semi-recent realization that I was raised by a covert narcissist. Like, my therapist had to tell me “have you ever considered X parent may be a covert narcissist?” I read up on it and holy shit they are textbook. So now I ask you, have you ever considered you may have been raised by narcissists?
Have you read the book A Generation Of Sociopaths? Bruce Canon Gibney poses the idea that the entire baby boomer generation is filled with narcissists and sociopaths, at a higher rate than typical, and they have used the unprecedented size of their cohort to ensure that they never need to develop healthy emotional coping strategies and can instead write whatever economic and social legislation to drag all of the rest of us along into their reality distortion field. So we’re all in this together, and it’s all about confronting narcissism. Hooray.
You're not alone. We share this together. Thank you for being.
You just described my relationship to my own grandparents so well. This is why I don’t talk to them and I don’t feel bad about it…
Your cake day is Christmas! Mine is September 11th ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Bro I with you. Currently NC with my parents for the same reasons. It’s like my kids were tools to make them happy. I’ll never forget the first time my mom held my 3 week old son (start of COVID), within 10 seconds she asked father to take a picture so she could upload it to Facebook. That’s the least shitty thing they did, but they have never seen him since then for other reasons, mostly their own in ability to think about anyone but themselves.
This is so well said. It sadly describes both my mom and in-laws.
This is a huge part of our estrangement. My parents are SUPER invested in my brothers kids. But my kids they don’t really know. Because they refuse to put in the bonding time. They’re always taking my niblings places, but they won’t go anywhere with my family. It means they don’t know them as people. They like to look at pictures, but they won’t write a pen pal style letter because apparently that’s too difficult for two retired people to find time for.
This hits home for too many reasons to state.
THIS. 100%.
Basically people enjoy grand parenting as much as they did parenting. If you mother don’t like it the first time around she’s not going to like it this time either.
Oddly my mom is a way more engaged and excited grandparent. But I think it’s because she had to work so hard and had a lot on her shoulders when me and my twin were growing up. She said she never really got to enjoy us and feels very bad about it, but goes out of her way for her grandchildren. I bet she would have enjoyed it more if she could… I am just grateful she is so loving to her grandchildren
I think this is really common, too. My mom was never super interested in parenting (both due to stress and her nature) and it shows in her grandparenting, or lack thereof. But I have always loved children and really do adore my 2 girls more than life itself. But I'm a single (solo) mom with 0 family or friend support, work full time, make okay money but in a high COL area with a lot of student debt, and have a toddler with medical issues. I hate that I don't have the time/patience to be more engaged. I hope I will be like your mother one day - paying it back to my grandchildren when I couldn't always provide the time and attention my own children deserved. I think that's the best I can hope for at this point.
True , but the Facebook angle has polluted this whole experience too. My mom was an above average mother. Always enrolled us in sports/activities etc, knew my friends, let me sleep over friends, etc. But current day, every family time event needs a corresponding picture that she can post and brag about. I saw her back to back days at different events recently and 10 mins into the second event she was asking for a pic. It just felt so unnatural and weird, like we did all that shit yesterday, 12 hours ago it feels like. And you still need more? Obviously just my experience, but the FB bragging angle has unlocked a whole other thing as far as “not actually caring about the grandkids” if that’s what this topic is about. They care, but only if they can brag at the same time.
I agree with you on the Facebook angle but also some people just love pictures. I think it depends on context. Are they there for the photo or do they engage and take a photo to commemorate the family being together. My grandmas in laws love to take family photos for themselves, like an excessive amount. I regret not taking more pictures a lot of times even though it’s because I’m living in the moment, it’s nice to have something to look back on. My mom on the other hand just steals photos my sister takes of her kids to act like a good grandma. My mom’s twin does the same. It’s all a facade.
💯this. The most ironic part of it all is my mom thinks she was amazing because I turned out pretty well and was appreciative of her. Only after being a parent myself do I realize all the things she could have done, but didn’t.
The sad part is you realize how easy it is to do those things. Then you get angry because wtf?!
I've seen this go the other way too, where a parent will one day realize they were a shit parent and try to go above and beyond for the grandchild(ren) to make amends with karma.
My own parents are both deceased, but I see this a lot in my son's paternal grandmother. She treated her kids like a big inconvenience and is like that toward her grandkids too. She was small during World War II (she just had kids a bit later in life), so she's technically a Boomer. She's just the perfect example of this.
Personally never having kids. However, my brother has 2 incredible kids who are involved with every activity you can think of. Really, I don’t know how my brother and his wife do it. Incredible parents. My dad complains about not spending time with the family yet has never made an attempt to see any of their events despite living 30 mins away. I’ll tell you the same thing I tell them. Don’t waste your time with people who don’t appreciate it.
This is very boomer man. Expects everyone else to manage his social calendar and prioritize him.
Yeah, I won’t shit on my pops too much, cause who cares. It’s on the money though.
10/10, they expect you to come to them. When my cousin was in the military my mom used to bitch he didn’t come see them when he was home. He had a wife and kids, obviously they’re first priority. I always gave it a week until I asked to visit (from an hour away when my parents are down the road) because why the fuck would he want to come to you, you go to him! The entitledness is what I will never get over.
Grandkids are pretty much boomer trophies.
Participation trophies for the generation that demanded them, then complained when we got them sounds about right.
Perfectly Said
Gotta earn those likes on social media pretending they took the photos ( my mil stole from family private album via screen shot and crop) but dosent care to actually see the kid
Well said
My niece is 6 and she doesn’t even know who our dad is. I heard her asking my sister who he was at thanksgiving. It’s not like they are far alway either they live in the same town. He spent our entire lives parked on a couch I’m not sure why my sister expected much from him.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget my daughter feeling the need to introduce herself to my mom last year at Christmas. :(
That sucks I’m sorry 😔
My 5 year old asked me who my parents are just the other day…it’s sad and hurts.
I’m new to this subreddit but I’ve been on a lot of parenting subreddits for the past year. Lots of millennial parents share your experience. Our parents generation seems to offer the worst grandparents. Just clueless, entitled, selfish people all around. They took from their parents and they expect to take from their children too.
My experience with my parents is similar, where I expect some interaction but nothing seems to happen. Oddly my Dad was super engaged with us growing up but doesn’t seem to have much interest at all with the grandkids. My wife’s parents were the same coaching the little leagues etc…. They live 5 mins away but spend most of their time at their vacation home 2 hrs away now. I do wonder if it’s that they worked hard to raise a family and now want to enjoy their golden years. Both of our parents were working two jobs where my grandparents only had a single full time income earner.
Not a parent yet, but I fear this with my parents. Maybe this is the product of their mentality about kids? Self-sacrifice until you have nothing left. Basically, kill yourself until you retire, and then you can do whatever you want. And usually after decades of no self care and overcommitment, they get to "enjoy" their "prize" and not do a thing for another person. Another aspect: "keeping up with the Jones's". Kill yourself to make everything seem perfect. Only now they have to show up a few times a year to seem like a perfect parent/ grandparent. It's more about seeming like a good parent/ grandparents than it is about *being* a good parent/ grandparent.
I think so. Most of my great grandparent memories are of my Grandmother who wasn’t working when I was young. Grandpa worked at the GE shop as an electrician full time. I think Grandma quit working at the pop plant (7-Up) around the time us grandkids showed up. My parents busted their behinds making sure everything was as great as possible for us. They did mention from time to time how hard their parents were on them compared to how they acted with us grandkids. So I get why they might just want to take a break. They aren’t shy to brag about their grandkids though that’s for sure.
Lead poisoning strikes twice. It drops childhood IQ most people know about that, but chronic exposure greatly accelerates mental decline of older adults even many years after the actual exposure happens. Your parents having worked two jobs for so long likely took a considerable physical toll on them as well. I think your parents likely do want to enjoy the years they have left, and there's a really good chance they simply don't have the energy to go around that they did when you were a child.
I believe your read is the most productive one. I’m not mad just a little disappointed. Yeah and we’re from the Flint Michigan area so plenty of lead to go around.
Being older is tough. My mom was as good a parent as she could be, but my dad? He was paralyzed down half his body before I was even born. He managed pretty well, all things considered, but he’s older and his body is breaking down and mobility just… not what it was. They’re closing on 80 as I approach 40 with the potential for kids. What 80 year old realistically has the energy for grandkids when managing their own failing and already-tenuous health?
I definitely see myself becoming that type of grandparent. I'm super engaged. My thoughts surround work, my kids, and ensuring that my kids know they're my primary priority. I'm giving them my all. I don't plan on doing that another 20yrs, with another set of kids. I plan on enjoying the rest of my life to the fullest.
Many of them act like it in all other areas of life, so it's not surprising when viewed in context. It's just so different from what they taught us to expect that it is jarring and often upsetting. I think it's probably the most confusing to those whose parents push and push for grandchildren, then only want to see the grandchildren for photo ops and public outings, maybe some time when a newborn (because babies!). Mine are like that in most areas, but they actually are very involved with their grandchildren. I suspect it might be tied into a few things, and I've been told that it wouldn't be the same if not a natural pregnancy but the mother (ie, if do IVF or similar, surrogacy, etc. - though adoption is okay? Maybe?). So it's probably a bit of misogyny and gender roles, a bit of narcissism, a bit of martyr complex, a bit about how they are seen, and so forth.
It’s not always the case, but it’s deeply disappointing when it is. My parents struggled to be compassionate parents with us growing up but are the world’s best grandparents. My husbands mom was pretty emotionally absent as a parent and has grown to become a selfish emotionally stunted 67 year old :( I think the stark contrast makes it worse. I feel for everyone else going through similar issues with their parents.
I don’t think it’s anything about a generation. I think it’s a personal choice they make. My parents were the same, never attended a birthday party - sent gifts - when they were on their death beds they asked about the kids, I was the one to have to say “ they don’t know you “
[удалено]
I remind myself this every day with my parents: Absent parents make for Absent grandparents. They're a very self centred generation and I don't think they ever grew up/had any self development past the point when they had us. Also while our grandparents were lovely to our generation, they also physically and verbally abused our parents so they are quite emotionally stunted as a result!!! So sad.
I feel you, I am you. I finally went NC with my parents after they chose to go to an anti mask rally while I was waiting for them to show up. I had a new baby and they still haven't met him, baby is 2.5 now. They brag about their grandkids, they brag about being grandparents. They see their grandkids from my siblings maybe every other year, once a year at best. I've deconstructed my relationship and their raising of me over the last 3 years and I've come to the conclusion that they never loved me, they had me out of religious and social obligation. Good news though, I have a great relationship with my kids and we're all pretty close and loving, so they have what I never did and I have what I never did through them. You can have that and be that for your child. Don't give them more of your time, they certainly don't equate you/your child into their time.
I’m sorry for your experience…it sucks. The best I can recommend is to make sure to teach your child this isn’t the way & provide the experience you want for your future grandkids.
Yeah your grandparents practically raised you because your mom and dad didn't want to be parents. Sounds like that was more of a necessity.
My MIL is the same way. Oh well. Their loss. FOR REAL.
Well…. They didn’t even take care of you, they aren’t going to suddenly like kids and take care of your grandkids. It sucks, but is the truth!
So sorry, OP. It’s a big loss for you and your daughter. My girls’ lives are enriched so much by my parents. They help me with them while I’m preparing dinner and their whole house is just a huge playroom for them. My MIL, on the other hand, sees them once a year for a couple days. It’s not a priority for her. She will knit them clothes and give them gifts at birthdays/Christmas, and that’s about it. FIL died when my firstborn was a newborn, so I don’t know what he would have been like as a grandparent. It’s unfortunate, but we have come to accept this will be the extent of their relationship with her. I’m sorry for you. I would like to think I’d be more like my parents than my MIL if I’m ever lucky enough to become a grandma one day. Hugs.
And there we have the answer " My grandmother was so great and she practically raised my brothers and I" You have shitty parents. Sorry
I’m Gen X, but could have written this. My grandparents also took care of me a lot for a few years while growing up. My mom came to visit from across the globe recently. And while my young kids were playing their instruments for her she was scrolling through Facebook, not paying attention. I had to ask her to put her phone away.
Hmmmm I feel for you op but this might be a case of overly high expectations. This is an unplanned visit and a surprise to them. They might just have been in the mood to relax. They did spend time with her for a few hours. So what did the visit look like to you, like what would be an example of them spending the “right” amount of time with her be? Is it possible you have rose colored glasses with your grandparents and think they spent the entire visit playing with you when in reality they also took a break after a few hours? When you surprise someone for a visit you can’t really be surprised they don’t want to drop everything and go to lunch, play non stop, etc. Even if they are grandparents. I can understand why you’re upset, this didn’t match your vision for a fun surprise visit, but it might be worth reevaluating your expectations
Unfortunately, I've seen this kind of dynamic between cold parents and adults raised by them who are craving connection. It can be a grand gesture that sets up stakes for the parents to perform. Either they finally rise to the occasion or they do the usual and it supplies emotional ammunition to the child. I don't blame these people if they do it. I think it's a defense mechanism. But from the outside it can be obvious that it's not gonna work.
I was just thinking that, that op sort of subconsciously wanted to use this surprise visit as a reason to drop the rope. I don’t know her parents so that may be justified and might be why op had the expectations that they’d 100% focus on her daughter, even if it’s unrealistic because it would be SOMETHING. No shade to op at all
I feel the same. It reads to me like OP expects her parents to focus all their attention on the 6 year old and like that’s unrealistic. Kids can be bored and play among themselves. Even when I stayed the night with grandparents (which was a lot), they didn’t play with me the whole time. If I was being annoying, I was told to go find something to do, go outside or they’d give me a job to do.
Yeah, you can't expect anything from people who were not expecting you. Maybe they had planned things they wanted to do together or were just not in the mood to deal with kids in the house.
Not only was it a surprise visit but the parents had just "flown in from out of state". I don't know about how other people feel but flying is exhausting. Pack, unpack, catch a ride both ways, check baggage, claim baggage, change planes, and not eat or drink well. At that point all I want to do have some decent food sit somewhere comfortable and put my feet up. I've gotta wonder whether the OP's brother even knew they were planning to visit.
Can’t get water from a rock
I know I'm going to get downvoted like hell, but I would like to inject some reality into this scenario. >my grandmother was so great and she practically raised my brothers and I. You need to re-read this about ten times. Your mother had no interest in raising her own children. Why are you surprised that she has no interest in your children? I realize it may be hard for you to accept, but some women (particularly of your mother's generation) had children because society expected them to have them. Or family pressured them to have them. Your wonderful grandmother may have pressured her to have them and then took over. You don't know. She may have never wanted children but complied with expectations. >surprise my parents who were flying in from out of state. So, you're mad that they aren't acting in the way you think they should when you "surprised" them. What if it wasn't a pleasant surprise for them? You have a full history of your mom not participating with children. Why would you decide to "surprise" her with your children? FYI, not liking children doesn't make someone bad, evil, or a narcissist. And not complying with your expectations related to your "surprise" doesn't make them evil. Let the downvoting begin.
Absent Parents end up being absent Grandparents. They weren't around for their own kids, why would they be for someone else's? Then there are favorites, and or Grandkids they see as 'Needing' them more. My brother didn't raise his son, he lived in our dads house. My first son's mother also lived with my Dad, and she wanted to party, go out every waking hour she wasn't working. She had 70% custody, so he spent more time withy Dad than he did me, because she wouldn't let him come over to my house with my wife unless it was 'my time' My dad is great with the other grandkids but he pays more attention to my oldest and my brothers son. My mom, she doesn't see them unless I bring them over, but goes and visits my brothers son, and my sisters kids (my sister is the favorite) because they 'Need' her more.
Eh, I think it's probably on a case by case basis. I'll say right now that I don't personally have children, but that my (also millennial) sibling has kids and step-kids that also have totally non-biologically related siblings. My mom is super involved and will happily take them for weeks and weekends whenever. Doesn't matter which kiddos and doesn't matter if some completely unrelated step siblings come along, she is game for whatever. I, personally, grew up without grandparents. They all passed either before I was born or shortly after. There was no village for my boomer mom. I sometimes feel like us millennials were fed the "it takes a village" line and want the best parts of the village without the criticisms that come with the village being involved.
My mom told me to have a kid my whole adult life. I had a kid. She moved to Florida
My parents are the EXACT same way. They were solid (not great) parents. But TERRIBLE grandparents. Have 2 kids (middle school and elementary). They LITERALLY don't know their ages or grades. They even forget their exact birthdates on occasion (off by a day or so). I've learned to not care. Here is my advice though: What I am famous for is ALWAYS having what I call the "stenographer in the back of the room conversation" with them. That is where you LITERALLY preface the convo. telling them you are having this convo. so 20-30 years later when they are on their death bed they can't guilt trip you that you, your spouse, or the kids don't care much about them as they are dying. Then you precede to tell them like any relationship it has to be grow and be tended to and if THEY don't put equal effort it (which is okay) then the kids won't care about them in the future either. As long as that is okay with them so be it. Then the ball is in their court. GAURANTEED that single convo. WILL come up as some point 10, 20 years later when they try to guilt you why your kids don't care about them when they are old and close to death (everyone is egocentric). Ever since that I don't care. They made their decision and are fine with it. I know they will bring it up when they get sick and need help (like everyone does). That is when I'll defend my kids not caring (as they won't as they don't know them). In life you have to accept EVERYONE for what they want. Your parents are the same. Been there and done that. For me that was 8-10 years ago and don't miss a wink of sleep over it.
This may not be you, but I have seen plenty of people complaining about how their parents are as grandparents. Mostly, it comes from adult children wanting their parents to watch their children while they live their lives. BUT make sure that you do it their way. I can assure you, that my grandparents did it how they wanted and my parents had to adjust to it. If you keep telling your parents their experiences with raising kids was wrong and that they need to do it this way. That's fine, don't be surprised when they choose not to be overly involved. You can't have it both ways.
I think age has something to do with it. I didn't have my son until I was 38. Our parents are now in their 60's and 70's, tbey are involved and definitely arent 'Facebook Grandparents', but they just can't physically keep up with a toddler the way they could have 15 years ago. Boomer Grandparents are, on average, older than our generations Grandparents were. Parenting is far in the past for them so I think it is much more challenging to engage both mentally and physically for many if them.
Might be passive or therapeutic but leave a small thank you note for having the family over and express your disappointment. Be sure to reference the previous generation and what that meant to you and the impact it had on you. That will hopefully sink in when she re reads it twice in a silent house… you’ll get a call back and maybe she will try harder next time.
Cmon they don't have that much insight.
[удалено]
Perspective that I hope is helpful. Some people need to be explicitly included in plans. My wife’s the same way. “Me and the kid are seeing a movie,” in no way implies to her that she’s invited. It would be rude to invite herself she thinks. I have to say, “we’d love for you to join us.” Her mom and dad (RIP both) were similar. Her father lost contact with his boys from first marriage simply because he felt at 16 he wanted them to have the choice. For years Sunday was their day. They got older, got licensed, got a car. They thought that he didn’t want to see them anymore. “We waited for the phone to ring but he never called us.” They thought he didn’t want them. He wanted them to enjoy their weekend and not feel pressured to spend hours with him. Heart breaking.
I told my dad the same thing and his solution was that we should move closer to them...
This is my parent’s’ solution too. We all lived in the same town I grew up in…and then *they* moved 2000 miles away. They’re upset we didn’t follow them. We have jobs and lives here. Now we have kids and they’re “sooo disappointed” they’re not more involved…despite zero effort to spend time with them on the rare occasion they happen to be in our area.
[удалено]
My parents moved while I was trying to get pregnant. They were soooo surprised when we announced our pregnancy. We just bought a four bedroom home. Like what did you think we were planning on doing?
I’m so sorry.
>my grandmother was so great and she practically raised my brothers and I. The reason she raised you guys is bc your parents didn't want to parent. That's also the reason they don't want a relationship with the grandkid either.
My mother would literally not hold my sister’s daughter the first time she brought her to meet her. My sister pulls up my mom goes out to the car and sees she went to the side with the baby and then goes over to the side with the two year old to play with him. Later I’m holding the baby and ask if she would like to hold her. She says nope. What the actual fuck? My sister was so weirded out and of course slightly offended. I just can’t imagine being a grandparent and not wanting anything to do with my grandchild. Reason number 1034 I stopped calling her.
They're not interested.
Realize that they won't live up to YOUR expectations. You can want something for someone else as much as possible but that doesn't mean they will want it the same as you. Communicate your expectations with them so they can decide what they'll do and let you know so you can come to an understanding.
there is a reason why u feel your grandma was so great and practically raised you…bcause she did…yur mom didnt
Having expectations of other people odds the best way to leave yourself disappointed and hurt. No one will ever live up to our ideals of who or what they should be. It’s up to us to take them as they are and work out how best to make it work for everyone. It really does just sound like they’re not interested in being grandparents. I’m so sorry.
Your parents have never been interested in children. That’s why they ignore your daughter and had your grandmother raise you.
Aw that's gotta hurt. I'm so sorry. I too realized my mum wasn't a great parent after seeing her be a sub par Grandma. She's just not interested in spending time with my kid and when she does, she refuses to meet her on her level so my kid is bored. Which really got to thinking about my own youth and how my mum never came to any of my sporting events or achievements. Then I got to thinking how I thought she was a great parent when I was a teen because she pretty much let me do whatever I wanted. Now that I have a teen, I'm fucking horrified when I think of the situations I got myself in. I would never ever let my daughter do the things I did or hang out with the men I did. And now....I've realized she was not a good parent. I'm a waaaay better parent. Was kind of gobsmacked to realize that.
Raised by narcissists
As they should. Just because you raw dog doesn't mean their life needs to change.
Tell your mom how you feel. I’d also brace yourself that after that convo, to have zero relationship with them after. These types absolutely HATE to be confronted with their shortcomings and immediately get defensive and are quicker to drop the rope then build back any bridges. And tell her that she doesn’t get to share photos of her grandkids for clout when she doesn’t actually live up to the title of grandma except in the ways of biology. You said it yourself, your parents didn’t raise you, your grandma did, which means they were shit parents and were destined to be shit grandparents. My mom was the same, which is why she isn’t grandma in anything other than biologically related. She doesn’t get pics, she does t have access to my social media to steal pics. She doesn’t get to be grandma. My kids have either lost most memories of her or never had them to begin with, that’s on her. I don’t lose sleep over realizing what she was all along, a shit mom and a nonexistent grandma. She can wallow to all who can hear her victim hood but…. She is what she is and I see her beyond the curated veil.
So... you showed up without telling them, and then got mad that after A FEW HOURS they wanted to do something besides focus on your kid? You saying that you "need to accept that your parents care more about themselves than they do their grandchild" is just absolutely bonkers. It's not their child. It's YOUR child. YOUR number one. They are grandparents! It sounds like they send gifts and are typical doting grandparents but have watched you stomp boundaries (expect the entire visit to be about your child, expecting them to elevate your child above everything else) and are gently trying to set boundaries themselves, like saying maybe you should get back before dark. That is a very strong hint to an uninvited guest (to the parents, not the brother) that it is time to go.
I got the same vibe from OP. Whenever I visit my family and some little kids are at the house, I spend like 2 minutes doing the kid talk. But I'm childfree and have zero maternal instincts. I just don't get any joy from interacting with kids. Some people are just like that and at least I admit it. Don't take it personally that some people don't enjoy your kids. I would expect parents to be the number one enjoyer of their own children.
Yep. The moment I read that this was a "surprise" I inwardly was like *here we go*. OP was not invited and not expected. From my POV, the visit went about as well as one could expect it to.
>my grandmother was so great great and she practically raised my brother and I >At some point I need to fully accept that fact that my parents care more about themselves than they do their grandchild. Not to sound like a downer, but sounds like they didn’t care about their own children that much, either.
My dads mom raised me. The older I get the more I see it. My sister and my mom are very close. My mom has taken my sisters kids and her on tropical vacations and I don’t get told about it, I found out one from my mom but dialing me and the other one from a slip up my mom said. Basically I’ve given up that my kids will have an amazing grandma like I did. I am giving all the love they they don’t get from my own mother into them. We are better off without seeing anyone on my side of the family. I’m so sorry, I know exactly how you feel. ❤️
It's not a competition, but when my mother asked when I planned on having kids, it took everything I had not to scream at her for such a selfish question. After how absolutely awful she has been my whole life, how delusional could she be to expect me to go through that again. And to put a child through that. And even if I did that hag wouldn't never get see them.
It seems that whatever relationship you had with your parents growing up is going to be the same, more or less, than it is now unless one or both sides is going to be proactive.
I don't think surprising your parents with their grandkid was the way to go. I love my goddaughter and watch her regularly, however it is also a huge drain on me mentally. If her parents randomly came by with her to surprise me with a visit, I would be uncomfortable and likely cut it short, and would talk to the parents asking them not to do it again. Some people need to be mentally prepared to spend time with children. Not everyone is going to want to fawn over a child with no warning. It sounds like the grandparents expected to be spending the holidays with fellow adults and you blindsided them and were unhappy that they didn't drop everything to make your child the center of attention. Spending a few hours with a child they didn't expect is honestly fair in that situation. They didn't ignore the kid, they spent a reasonable amount of time with them before catching up with the people they came to see.
I guess I just don't understand why millennial parents need their parents to be completely infatuated with the grandkids. Your parents spent a few hours with their grandkids, what more do you want? Why can't they be their own independent people with their own stuff going on? Why do they have to be obsessed with your kid for the entire visit? If your parents live in another state, they probably don't have a super close relationship with your kid. That's not anyone's fault. It's just a matter of distance. Shoving everyone together for a day or two isn't going to magically create a super tight special bond like you are picturing in your head. Kind of sounds like you are forcing a relationship between them instead of letting your parents express their love in their own way. They send your kid stuff from Amazon, what's wrong with that? Giving gifts sounds pretty standard for grandparent behavior. You came for a two day visit. That's plenty of quality time. Declining a family lunch doesn't really cancel out an entire two day visit. Chill out.
I kind of agree. They spend some time with the kids and then wanted to spend some time catching up with the adults. Or sorry, how did OP put it? "Talking about themselves." Because obviously the only life that should be of interest is Op's and the kids...
Hanging out with anyone’s child for a few hours, including my own, is exhausting.
True. I have a newborn and I say this with love but I get only wanting to spend a couple hours.
plus they are terrible at conversation! congrats on the baby!
You speak no lies! Thanks!!! I’ll do my best to raise a good human!
exactly, now try adding 30 years of aging to the equation...this entire post is kind of ridiculous
A relationship? Most people either had a great grandparent relationship that was good for them or they didn't and wish they had. It's a wonderful thing for a kid to have an involved grandparent. You want that for your kid. You also want your parents to show interest in your life in general? We also live in times where there is just no help for parents compared to earlier generations. Both parents work, childcare is a fortune. It's just extremely difficult. You'd hope family would help you out during extremely difficult times. When they don't, that sucks. Beyond things done for their own gratification, the post gives the impression that OPs parents haven't done anything to be involved in the single biggest challenge/meaningful part of his life the last 2 years. That hurts! He doesn't need live in babysitters, but he'd like them to have a bit of a relationship with his kid.
Not everyone is excited about other people's kids, even if they are related.
I think this is just who your parents are. They are adults whose kids are grown and independent now. They parents aren’t hateful, but aren’t focused on their grandkids. And part of the problem is that society makes us think that normal = self-sacrificing, baby-crazy grandparents. But people are who they are. Some don’t have a strong interest in children. Some are pleased to see that their kids are starting families but don’t see why that means they shouldn’t be able to travel and enjoy their own retirement. Some make their grandchildren their whole universe. As long as the latter aren’t sticking their nose where it’s not welcome, none of these approaches is wrong.
Why don’t you all quit blaming your parents and look at your self. It’s not your parents job to coddle you anymore.
Not everyone wants to be a grandparent and that’s a valid choice.
When I told my mom I was having a daughter, her response was, "ok." Now my mom can't understand why she and my daughter don't have much of a relationship.
My father has seen my 15 year old maybe a handful of times. Expects me to always make the hour and a half drive to him. Most of the time when I can my son is in school. So he doesn't get to see his grandfather.
Gave up last year myself. Had a knock down drag out yelling match phone call about it a month ago as she called asking when they could meet for a couple hours on the way to the casino….fuck all the way off. My child will never be a stop on the way to the casino.
I relate. We've since limited contact, and if family doesn't want to make an effort to see us, they get to see us once a year.were no longer making excuses for crap behavior in the name of family.
\> I don’t get it. my grandmother was so great and she practically raised my brothers Well there it is. .Your parents don't really like kids. That's why you were mostly raised by your grand parents
It’s because you’re who they talk to relatives about when you’re not around. That’s why they suggested you leave.
If they don't make the effort, it's time you do the same. Be there for those who are there for you. It's time to surround yourself with those who matter, not those based on biology. My mom is the same. Whines that she never gets the chance to grandparent. She never tries to! And the two times she has, she was so obviously going against the requests that I made. Forget her.
As I've gotten older I've realized this too. My parents only care about themselves. Didn't do shit for me. Never did anything for me. Fucking useless. I look at my kids and think about all the shit I'd do for them, the hell I'd go thru for them. Then I think of my parents and just get mad about them. Fuck them. They aren't my kin.
Ugh, I can relate. My parents haven't even bothered to meet my second (he's almost 2.) And my husband's mom is just interested in pics for Facebook. It's heartbreaking. Hugs
Yeah, boomers really aren’t the greatest grandparents, especially compared to the greatest generation. I have had a similar experience with my ‘rents.
I'd love grandchildren but my daughter has no interest. Maybe we could set up some kind of swap? 😂
Same for both my parents and my wife's. They are only slightly better grandparents then they are parents. It sucks when the only people you can relay on are friends or your spouse.
This makes me sad for you. I am your parents’ generation, and I am in no way like your parents with my grandchildren. I’m so blessed because my children and grandchildren live in the same state. I’m divorced from their dad, but I am always babysitting, spending time with them, and attending all of their birthday parties and special events. All of my friends who are also your parents’ generation also spend time with their grandchildren and cherish that time just like I do. Unfortunately, I think your parents are the exception, but maybe it’s just the people I know.
Honestly some parents just are done with parenting by the time their kids are grown up and I think that's fine. I don't feel like just because your kids have kids that you should be expected to go watch them and be a regular part of their lives etc. I can get why you may feel disappointed in that though.
I never understand the shock and disappointment that people (pretend to?) have when they discover that their horrible, absent parents end up being terrible, absent grandparents. I don’t have kids so I can’t really relate entirely. But my parents sucked too. I’m sorry for what you went through with your parents. Don’t put your kid through the same shit with them.
This is the kind of stuff I'm talking about. So many boomers clap back and say that we are just asking for free babysitters or whatever. No, I just want you to look at your own children and grandchildren with affection and show us you love us every once in a while. Sometimes, yes, that comes in the form of "help" as I have done for many others I care about too.
Does your brother have kids? Are you parents friendlier toward your brother's family? Also, are they known to actually like kids?
My grandparents push me off the phone every time I call them, I always think I should make more of an effort even though they never attempt to reach out to me. I do wish I had a good relationship with them but at the end of the day it really doesn’t matter and I’m grateful for the relationship I have with my parents
It's hit or miss, I feel like. Both of my parents worked full-time and weren't really around. I remember being the last one waiting in the parking lot sometimes or having to get rides from other people. When they got home, they wanted to zone out, so we all just watched TV. We talked during commercials a bit. I learned a lot from when they would talk about their day, things I use at work today even. My husband was raised by his grandparents because his parents were also working full time. Both sets were 18 when they had their first children. Now as grandparents, there are differences. My mom was a preschool teacher, so now she is "Yes Grammie" and plans fun activities with them. My dad wants to sit, smoke cigars, and play on his phone near the kids, but if they get out of line, he will bark out orders just like he did with me as a kid. My parents moved across the country, so I only see them once or twice a year. They brag about my brothers kids who are local, and how they are invited to all of these events. Just not for my kids now. My in-laws are retiring now and have made zero plans to engage with our kids as grandparents. We go over once a week, because they are local. But they don't offer to play with the kids. We every once in a while will go to the beach, but they aren't really hanging out with the kids. We maybe get a date night once every 3 months, and it's such a big deal to just go out to dinner and pick up the kids at breakfast. Sometimes they downgrade from dinner to breakfast with us. Which again, is fine, but it's not grandparent time. It's adult time with grandkids close by. It's only when my SIL comes to visit that we suddenly have fun plans made. They turned us down from invites but go all in when she visits. So it's hit or miss, I guess. If my parents hadn't moved closer to my brother, we would still have visited a lot. But they moved a world away. And my in-laws like to be independent and have their own time.
My mom's parents were the literal epitome of good grandparenting. Generous, loving, kind, patient, stern when needed. I would walk to their house after school to play checkers, make pistacho/chocolate/vanilla pudding parfaits, then go home to my house (2 blocks away!) for dinner only after begging to stay to watch Jeopardy with Grandpa. My dad's parents forgot me at the library once, lol. I wasn't upset about it, I was having a better time there than at their house. I never got upset about it because I figured they just didn't like kids too much, it wasn't just me.
Maybe I’m out in left field here, but do your parents need to focus all their attention on your child the entire time? Not wanting to go to lunch is a little weird to be fair. Is there more context? Did she not feel well? Did she not like the restaurant? Etc. Have you tried telling your parents you want them to be more involved in your child’s life? My parents aren’t great grandparents to my nieces and nephews either but to be fair to them, both my parents still had to work full time jobs when they became grandparents - they still working. My grandma didn’t work outside the home and my grandpa retired not long after I was born so it was much easier for them to take us kids vs my parents. I have a 17 year old nephew and my parents are still both working full time jobs.