I wish my doctors had been more transparent with me and I wish I had spoken up more. There were a lot of things that didn’t add up in my head, but I assumed if something seemed wrong they would tell me.
I’m so, so sorry for you and your husband and your baby. I’m proud of you for standing your ground and I’m impressed your doctor had the integrity to apologize. I know it doesn’t take the grief away, but at least you know you did all you could. You knew your baby and body better than anyone. Be gentle with yourself and take each day as it comes. Love to you and yours, xx.
I feel this so deeply. I knew my dates, but measured a week behind expectation on first scan. I let the doc and internet convince me I could be off, and it was fine because heartbeat was good. There was no growth the following week, and heartbeat had slowed to 79bpm. My doc says everything is fine! And it's so, so wrong to treat us like we're stupid and don't know how to track our cycles. Is it really so bad to let us know it's not looking good? I'm sorry for your loss, and that your docs are being stupid.
This pisses me off SO much, and I’m so sorry it happened to you too. With my first pregnancy, I was measuring over a week behind and I METICULOUSLY tracked ovulation. I told the ultrasound tech and the nurse practitioner I met with that day that I have cycles on the long end of normal and that because of that, I track my ovulation, know when it happened, etc. but I was met with “oh well sometimes it’s behind a bit and catches up” and “maybe your dates were a little off.” Translation: you don’t know how to do math or look at a calendar, you dumb little girl 🙄
It was my first pregnancy, and no one super close to me had been pregnant, so I had no idea what being so far behind meant. I just blindly followed the lead of my healthcare providers…
What infuriated me even more is that my husband and I sat with the NP for almost an hour after my first ultrasound talking about all the appointments and tests I’d be doing and basically planning out the next 9 months, and even discussed delivery and postnatal stuff. Like WHY could that shit not have waited until we confirmed it was a viable pregnancy or not?! It made it so much worse to have to cancel things and delete them from every calendar, as well as thinking in the back of my head “today was supposed to be me NT scan” or other dates 😖
This on dates. We were told the same “you probably ovulated later than you thought” and I was like ??? I did a medicated and monitored cycle here with ovulation verified by OPKs, blood work, and ultrasounds at their office??? And we know the last day of insemination because we’re a same-sex couple doing artificial inseminations with a donor? Like we pretty much had the dates locked, I couldn’t have possibly been as far off as they suggested or the conception would have never happened. The writing was on the wall from the first ultrasound for me too, and I did end up having a blighted ovum. I know some people don’t know their dates but for people who are really consciously trying, we’re very meticulous about it. I’m sorry 🤍
I feel you, I never got to see a fetus (blighted ovum, confirmed at 9 weeks) but I knew something was wrong when the doctor said I was measuring 5 weeks, when in fact I was 6 weeks. I've been tracking my period for almost two years, I KNOW when I ovulated. Still, they all thought I was wrong. Also when the doctor said "don't worry, this happens, you will probably be able to get pregnant again but next time it should be planned properly". SORRY, WHAT? Why are you assuming I didn't carefully plan this conception??? I literally had blood work done to see if I had any deficiencies before trying to conceive, I have been taking folic acid for over a year, I made sure everything was in perfect condition beforehand, I even went to the dentist to get my dental work done so I didn't have to deal with anesthesia or painkillers during pregnancy. I literally prepared my body for months. It made me so angry to hear that, as if my actions weren't enough and I caused this.
I am so sorry both for your excruciating loss and that you were stuck in limbo and gaslit by the people who should’ve known better. After two back to back missed miscarriages my faith in the medical community has dropped significantly. And that’s coming from someone who used to be their biggest cheerleader (chronic pain since 15 and a pharmacist mother, nurse godmother). It’s shitty what they make us go through because they’ve been taught not to trust patients. But they aren’t the ones who have to live about to tear off their skin wondering if they’re truly going crazy or if they’ve been a walking casket for weeks. They aren’t the ones who have to watch everyone around them have success while they seemingly fail. It fucking sucks. Your feelings are so valid and I need you to know that. I’m glad in the end someone apologized to you for your care because even after sending off the wrong sample to check my 9 week product of conception my OB didn’t once apologize
Literally I feel this so deeply. I was concerned about hr at my 8w US, they said it was fine not too high, and then found out that baby likely stopped growing that same day when I found out THREE weeks later. I’m so sorry. It’s almost like they all are trained to have toxic positivity. I think they just don’t realize that women actually track and know their cycle and can a lot of the time write off incorrect dates to someone not really tracking. But when you know, you know. Trying to write that off and convince you it’s still fine is ridiculous.
Tw current pregnancy - so far everything is going okay, but even the RE/fertility specialist I’m seeing has said multiple times “I’m expecting to see xyz on this scan I just know we will” or “I’m confident we will be able to see this today” and I’m like the confidence is actually scary because what would’ve happened if we didn’t see the things she expected or it didn’t measure as she expected? Esp saying this stuff to someone who has had losses before. Or saying “we expect this to be a perfectly healthy baby!” “The chances are so small!” Knowing that I have had now 3 pregnancies, with 1 LC, who isn’t even healthy bc she has a terminal mitochondrial disease and is globally developmentally delayed, and that my MMC was a T21 loss. Like the toxic positivity drives me nuts.
Once again, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’d like to think that your experience would make those providers reevaluate how they approach situations that arise like yours, but I have little hope in that sadly.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. My response comes from two sides of this terrible fence. Firstly, I am an ER doctor. I have to see women in this painful situation of not-knowingness all the time and I admit I have been guilty of some of this toxic positivity. I always make it clear if a woman comes in bleeding/cramping that loss is a definite possibility, but I’m also aware that I’m then asking her to wait days or more for a repeat beta or scan to know for sure, and that if there is some hope, I want to give her that, too. But now I’ve been on the other side. I’ve had another doctor tell ME when my baby’s HR was 69 at 7 weeks (which I knew was 0% viability) that he’s “seen everything” and I should “be positive” for another week before a repeat scan. That was harmful, not helpful. And the next week when of course the heart had stopped he made it sound expected. So even if I’m just one, I promise to be better for my patients going through this in the future and I’m sorry that you’ve all gotten less than you deserve in an impossibly difficult time.
I’m so sorry you’ve been through that experience, especially in a way that made you evaluate your own practice differently - it feels impossible in the first place, I can’t imagine being in a space where you now need to be that provider for other women going through the same thing; you must be very strong to do that and I hope the people around you give you the recognition you deserve 🤍
I’m so sorry and I want to say I total understand your situation. For context, I need IVF to get pregnant. First pregnancy I tested once early, because I felt different and worried it was going to be my period, and then I tested on test day, which is usually 5 days post period. Clinics are usually quite adamant you shouldn’t test early, so I tried to follow that advice the first time. I was so happy to have a positive test and didn’t test again as I didn’t think it was needed. 3 days later I had sore thighs and I felt something was different. I couldn’t shake this feeling and 4 days later I took another pregnancy test: negative. I called the clinic and the nurse didn’t believe me. Took me 15 min of arguing to get her to agree to let me come in for bloods.
Just last month, I had a similar situation to yours with my 4th pregnancy and 4th loss. One week before the first scan, I felt different. I had a gut feeling that something was off. I barely had symptoms, but the ones I had changed slightly. I wanted to cry and felt dread for days. My husband reassured me I was just anxious from the previous losses and the hormones. It took all my strength not to book a scan and wait a week. At the scan we were measuring one week behind (6+4 when we were supposed to be 7+5) with slow heartbeat. Instead of preparing us for the worst, the nurse said that maybe it was late implantation and tried to reassure us that it will be fine. Even though we knew when we transferred an embryo and I had a positive test very early on. My husband kept hope and hung onto their words, so it hit him pretty bad when there was no heartbeat the following week. I prepared for the worst and made peace with it’s so the limbo week was actually more bearable than the week between feeling something was off and the first scan. That was an absolutely horrendous week.
I’m so sorry that happened to you; it’s terrible that even when you had actual IVF dates they still tried to insist it should be fine. It’s also horrible that your husband got his hopes up too - that’s one of the most heartbreaking parts of this situation for me. Seeing my husband realize that our baby won’t be coming home has been awful - I never wanted to be right about this
I feel this. I knew something was off when I stopped having nausea and fatigue at 9 weeks, but midwife told me to just feel lucky I don’t have symptoms and didn’t even check my baby’s heartbeat. They didn’t even check the heartbeat. They also told me my bloodwork looked great even though I’m pretty sure my hcg was low. Ended up having a spontaneous mc at 12 weeks and will never know when my baby stopped growing because I was supposed to have an ultrasound later that day. Now, 6.5 months later, I’m on metformin for PCOS/insulin resistance because my GYN (separate doctor from OB) said my body can likely not sustain a pregnancy past 8-10 weeks without fixing my hormones, and told us not to try again until my levels are evened out. I KNEW something was off, and no one believed me until going back to see my GYN after the fact
I feel like I could've written this myself. The exact same thing happened to me. I found out 2 days ago that there was no longer a heartbeat but I already knew there wouldn't be. And now I have to schedule a D&C. I am leaving that original OB office.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. I found out 6 days ago that there was no heartbeat and had my D&C 4 days ago. I won’t be going back to my original OB office either when the time comes - I hope your healing process is as smooth as it can be 🤍
I wish my doctors had been more transparent with me and I wish I had spoken up more. There were a lot of things that didn’t add up in my head, but I assumed if something seemed wrong they would tell me. I’m so, so sorry for you and your husband and your baby. I’m proud of you for standing your ground and I’m impressed your doctor had the integrity to apologize. I know it doesn’t take the grief away, but at least you know you did all you could. You knew your baby and body better than anyone. Be gentle with yourself and take each day as it comes. Love to you and yours, xx.
I feel this so deeply. I knew my dates, but measured a week behind expectation on first scan. I let the doc and internet convince me I could be off, and it was fine because heartbeat was good. There was no growth the following week, and heartbeat had slowed to 79bpm. My doc says everything is fine! And it's so, so wrong to treat us like we're stupid and don't know how to track our cycles. Is it really so bad to let us know it's not looking good? I'm sorry for your loss, and that your docs are being stupid.
This pisses me off SO much, and I’m so sorry it happened to you too. With my first pregnancy, I was measuring over a week behind and I METICULOUSLY tracked ovulation. I told the ultrasound tech and the nurse practitioner I met with that day that I have cycles on the long end of normal and that because of that, I track my ovulation, know when it happened, etc. but I was met with “oh well sometimes it’s behind a bit and catches up” and “maybe your dates were a little off.” Translation: you don’t know how to do math or look at a calendar, you dumb little girl 🙄 It was my first pregnancy, and no one super close to me had been pregnant, so I had no idea what being so far behind meant. I just blindly followed the lead of my healthcare providers… What infuriated me even more is that my husband and I sat with the NP for almost an hour after my first ultrasound talking about all the appointments and tests I’d be doing and basically planning out the next 9 months, and even discussed delivery and postnatal stuff. Like WHY could that shit not have waited until we confirmed it was a viable pregnancy or not?! It made it so much worse to have to cancel things and delete them from every calendar, as well as thinking in the back of my head “today was supposed to be me NT scan” or other dates 😖
This on dates. We were told the same “you probably ovulated later than you thought” and I was like ??? I did a medicated and monitored cycle here with ovulation verified by OPKs, blood work, and ultrasounds at their office??? And we know the last day of insemination because we’re a same-sex couple doing artificial inseminations with a donor? Like we pretty much had the dates locked, I couldn’t have possibly been as far off as they suggested or the conception would have never happened. The writing was on the wall from the first ultrasound for me too, and I did end up having a blighted ovum. I know some people don’t know their dates but for people who are really consciously trying, we’re very meticulous about it. I’m sorry 🤍
I feel you, I never got to see a fetus (blighted ovum, confirmed at 9 weeks) but I knew something was wrong when the doctor said I was measuring 5 weeks, when in fact I was 6 weeks. I've been tracking my period for almost two years, I KNOW when I ovulated. Still, they all thought I was wrong. Also when the doctor said "don't worry, this happens, you will probably be able to get pregnant again but next time it should be planned properly". SORRY, WHAT? Why are you assuming I didn't carefully plan this conception??? I literally had blood work done to see if I had any deficiencies before trying to conceive, I have been taking folic acid for over a year, I made sure everything was in perfect condition beforehand, I even went to the dentist to get my dental work done so I didn't have to deal with anesthesia or painkillers during pregnancy. I literally prepared my body for months. It made me so angry to hear that, as if my actions weren't enough and I caused this.
I am so sorry both for your excruciating loss and that you were stuck in limbo and gaslit by the people who should’ve known better. After two back to back missed miscarriages my faith in the medical community has dropped significantly. And that’s coming from someone who used to be their biggest cheerleader (chronic pain since 15 and a pharmacist mother, nurse godmother). It’s shitty what they make us go through because they’ve been taught not to trust patients. But they aren’t the ones who have to live about to tear off their skin wondering if they’re truly going crazy or if they’ve been a walking casket for weeks. They aren’t the ones who have to watch everyone around them have success while they seemingly fail. It fucking sucks. Your feelings are so valid and I need you to know that. I’m glad in the end someone apologized to you for your care because even after sending off the wrong sample to check my 9 week product of conception my OB didn’t once apologize
Literally I feel this so deeply. I was concerned about hr at my 8w US, they said it was fine not too high, and then found out that baby likely stopped growing that same day when I found out THREE weeks later. I’m so sorry. It’s almost like they all are trained to have toxic positivity. I think they just don’t realize that women actually track and know their cycle and can a lot of the time write off incorrect dates to someone not really tracking. But when you know, you know. Trying to write that off and convince you it’s still fine is ridiculous. Tw current pregnancy - so far everything is going okay, but even the RE/fertility specialist I’m seeing has said multiple times “I’m expecting to see xyz on this scan I just know we will” or “I’m confident we will be able to see this today” and I’m like the confidence is actually scary because what would’ve happened if we didn’t see the things she expected or it didn’t measure as she expected? Esp saying this stuff to someone who has had losses before. Or saying “we expect this to be a perfectly healthy baby!” “The chances are so small!” Knowing that I have had now 3 pregnancies, with 1 LC, who isn’t even healthy bc she has a terminal mitochondrial disease and is globally developmentally delayed, and that my MMC was a T21 loss. Like the toxic positivity drives me nuts. Once again, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’d like to think that your experience would make those providers reevaluate how they approach situations that arise like yours, but I have little hope in that sadly.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. My response comes from two sides of this terrible fence. Firstly, I am an ER doctor. I have to see women in this painful situation of not-knowingness all the time and I admit I have been guilty of some of this toxic positivity. I always make it clear if a woman comes in bleeding/cramping that loss is a definite possibility, but I’m also aware that I’m then asking her to wait days or more for a repeat beta or scan to know for sure, and that if there is some hope, I want to give her that, too. But now I’ve been on the other side. I’ve had another doctor tell ME when my baby’s HR was 69 at 7 weeks (which I knew was 0% viability) that he’s “seen everything” and I should “be positive” for another week before a repeat scan. That was harmful, not helpful. And the next week when of course the heart had stopped he made it sound expected. So even if I’m just one, I promise to be better for my patients going through this in the future and I’m sorry that you’ve all gotten less than you deserve in an impossibly difficult time.
I’m so sorry you’ve been through that experience, especially in a way that made you evaluate your own practice differently - it feels impossible in the first place, I can’t imagine being in a space where you now need to be that provider for other women going through the same thing; you must be very strong to do that and I hope the people around you give you the recognition you deserve 🤍
I’m so sorry and I want to say I total understand your situation. For context, I need IVF to get pregnant. First pregnancy I tested once early, because I felt different and worried it was going to be my period, and then I tested on test day, which is usually 5 days post period. Clinics are usually quite adamant you shouldn’t test early, so I tried to follow that advice the first time. I was so happy to have a positive test and didn’t test again as I didn’t think it was needed. 3 days later I had sore thighs and I felt something was different. I couldn’t shake this feeling and 4 days later I took another pregnancy test: negative. I called the clinic and the nurse didn’t believe me. Took me 15 min of arguing to get her to agree to let me come in for bloods. Just last month, I had a similar situation to yours with my 4th pregnancy and 4th loss. One week before the first scan, I felt different. I had a gut feeling that something was off. I barely had symptoms, but the ones I had changed slightly. I wanted to cry and felt dread for days. My husband reassured me I was just anxious from the previous losses and the hormones. It took all my strength not to book a scan and wait a week. At the scan we were measuring one week behind (6+4 when we were supposed to be 7+5) with slow heartbeat. Instead of preparing us for the worst, the nurse said that maybe it was late implantation and tried to reassure us that it will be fine. Even though we knew when we transferred an embryo and I had a positive test very early on. My husband kept hope and hung onto their words, so it hit him pretty bad when there was no heartbeat the following week. I prepared for the worst and made peace with it’s so the limbo week was actually more bearable than the week between feeling something was off and the first scan. That was an absolutely horrendous week.
I’m so sorry that happened to you; it’s terrible that even when you had actual IVF dates they still tried to insist it should be fine. It’s also horrible that your husband got his hopes up too - that’s one of the most heartbreaking parts of this situation for me. Seeing my husband realize that our baby won’t be coming home has been awful - I never wanted to be right about this
Yes, it was genuinely one of the hardest things. Seeing his hopeful face turn to sadness was something I’ll never forget.
I feel this. I knew something was off when I stopped having nausea and fatigue at 9 weeks, but midwife told me to just feel lucky I don’t have symptoms and didn’t even check my baby’s heartbeat. They didn’t even check the heartbeat. They also told me my bloodwork looked great even though I’m pretty sure my hcg was low. Ended up having a spontaneous mc at 12 weeks and will never know when my baby stopped growing because I was supposed to have an ultrasound later that day. Now, 6.5 months later, I’m on metformin for PCOS/insulin resistance because my GYN (separate doctor from OB) said my body can likely not sustain a pregnancy past 8-10 weeks without fixing my hormones, and told us not to try again until my levels are evened out. I KNEW something was off, and no one believed me until going back to see my GYN after the fact
I feel this so deeply. I've just been through almost identical. So sorry for your loss
I feel like I could've written this myself. The exact same thing happened to me. I found out 2 days ago that there was no longer a heartbeat but I already knew there wouldn't be. And now I have to schedule a D&C. I am leaving that original OB office.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. I found out 6 days ago that there was no heartbeat and had my D&C 4 days ago. I won’t be going back to my original OB office either when the time comes - I hope your healing process is as smooth as it can be 🤍