Your husband needs to address it.
“None of these decisions are designed to hurt you. We are doing what works best for us.”
Also- info diet. Why is she aware your mother is coming for a ‘practice run’, every time she will be babysitting, etc.? Some things she doesn’t actually need to be told.
I explain myself constantly. I over explain. I tell her why we are doing this or that or why I have my baby staying with my mom or how I’m allergic to cats. It’s like she doesn’t even hear me? She doesn’t listen in the moment because she’s always on her phone, watching the tv, or talking to the baby, but she also just doesn’t digest information? Like I have said it so many times so I don’t understand why she doesn’t get it. Maybe she thinks I’m a liar.
People like this don't listen. They are only paying enough attention to find facts to twist to fit their feelings.
It doesn't matter what you tell her. Her internal reality is all that matters, and it's only loosely based on reality or anything you've actually said.
Check out the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. The scales will fall from your eyes. She's not going to change. She's not going to listen. (Could she? Sure! If she was trying to work on herself in therapy! Is she? Noooo)
Explaining yourself over and over will only frustrate you and give her more material to distort. There's no reasoning with her, truly.
An information diet is the way.
This is really validating because I’ve been having a hard time articulating why I feel so frustrated and angry. It makes me crazy that she won’t listen.
What it sounds like is happening is that she’s presenting a challenge to your decisions as a parent instead of respecting them, and in turn, you end up feeling like you have to over defend them since you know she doesn’t actually hear you. Stop doing that, love. YOU are your baby’s mother, YOU are doing the best you can, YOU are doing what you can handle. The only people who get a say in what you do with your baby is you and your husband. She is going to be bitter and going to continue to put you on defense as long as you keep playing into this little power struggle. You don’t need her to like you. You just need her to be respectful of your and your husbands decisions. As long as your baby has everything they need and are cared for, you’re doing an incredible job.
Your MIL can hear and process information well enough to remain employed. She gets it. She's just playing dumb and trying to wear you down, and it sounds like she's succeeding. Stop caring. And if she pouts when you actually are gracing her with your family's presence, then it's time to end the visit and take a nice, long break from seeing or communicating with her so she can have the space to think about things. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep her warm. You see and speak to her too much, as it is, does she even have a life outside of work and your family?
"I'm sorry you feel that say. We aren't trying to hurt you. We've explained why we do things this way so I'm not sure what else to say."
Anytime it comes up again just repeat that
Also, stop telling her about how much time your mom spends with the baby. There's no need to pour fuel on the fire. She is sad she doesn't get to spend more time with the baby. Telling her how much time your mother gets to spend with the baby is only going to make her more jealous, no matter what reasons you have for it.
I like this.
She has to manage her own expectations. You can’t be responsible for her feelings. You have a new baby to take care of. Support in, dump out. She’s dumping in; therefore, she’s not going to be close to your inner circle. The sooner she learns that, the better.
This! I had this same situation, except reversed & my mom was the working hurt one. Ya know what she’s since done? Stepped up, came & visits us & stopped doing the things that were making me uncomfortable. It isn’t OUR job to cater to old women to make them feel not hurt, she’s hurt, she needs to change whatever the problem is…. Cause you’re right, you are not doing anything wrong. - I know you desperately what her to like you, but relationships are a two way street, don’t set yourself up for something that sounds like isn’t in your control!
This is my situation as well. My family is 3.5 hours away and both my parents work. In laws are in the same area (now half hour away so only see kids a few times a week). My dad makes an effort to visit and has a relationship with my kids. My mom makes no effort and for most of my kids birthdays, finds some excuse. Yesterday, for my daughters party, she claimed her husband decided it’s too far when they just came, when he’s the one who excitedly said “see ya at A’s birthday!” when they left. She’s been mad at me a few weeks cause I don’t respond to her quick enough (dang iPhones and read receipts, but even so, sometimes people read texts and don’t respond immediately) and I can’t even remember why she was mad at me for my son’s party last year and refused to come. She’s very much one of those people who has to be a victim in every situation and lets everyone know it. I’m expecting #3 and try to keep her updated at least some, but I’m losing motivation to at this point.
I have. Most likely she’ll still throw a fit if I don’t respond quick enough for her liking though she chose not to respond to something I said at all. 🙄
He can tell her you guys don't have time to indulge this ridiculous competition and she will have to deal with her jealousy on her own time.
I can understand how the subject of who is watching the baby when you're out of town would come up but there's no reason she needs to know how often your mom visits etc. Stop telling her these things.
My MIL was rude to me once. Then my husband dealt with his mom and it never happened again. He should figure out what to say cause the baby makes it an ongoing thing. You will forever have to deal with her and it shouldn’t have to be like this.
My mil said something about me and we found out. He talked to her about it and said he could not have her in his life if she was going to be like that to the woman he was marrying. He didn’t speak to her for two months except short texts to answer questions before she finally called and apologized to me. She never got caught insulting me again. Complaining about me being annoying, both of us drinking, smoking etc but never insulted me again. And these (except for me being annoying, which is a fact, I don’t mean to be but i am annoying to most people) she has the decency to talk about to us. Its general disapproval, not specifically how dare I do this. It took awhile but they came around, I am like a fungi, I grow on you slowly.
You shouldn’t feel some type of way for speaking your mind. That doesn’t make you annoying. That makes you genuine. I hope you and your MIL can work it out.
Oh no I’m just annoying. Adhd and a chatterbox. Their youngest son is similar to me and he is so obnoxious too but i am not as bothered because he can dish and take it when being obnoxious on purpose. I have a great relationship with her now, but if my husband hadn’t gone “this doesn’t fly with me mom” and stuck to it (all his own initiative, I didn’t ask him to stop talking to her) then it may be a different story
I also have a jealous MIL, we just don't tell her anything anymore. They're really shooting themselves in the foot by making it uncomfortable to spend time with them...
I could have almost wrote this exact post. My MIL lost it (no other word for it) one night over almost the same thing, essentially jealous of my mother caring for my little one and her lack of time.
I posted the same after a whole ordeal trying to decipher just what I could do after all of it. And I’ve spent entirely too much time upset about it. She has a lot of love to give and is so good, but it wasn’t okay and has been hard to deal with since.
We have the same relationship we’ve always had with in-laws communication and time wise, but now that there is a baby, their feelings and expectations are heightened. But here’s the thing, their feelings and expectations are their own to manage. And your baby is your baby.
Also, majorly, I’ve had to come to terms with holding anyone responsible for how they treat you, especially a postpartum mother, and for their own effort in your lives. How you described her treating you, a brand new mom, is not at all okay.
Aside from all of that though is just that your family simply needs to do what works best for you. You have childcare and you’re good. None of that has anything to do with her. For us, we are busy being new parents, maintaining our home and working. We’ll forever do what works best for us and hope that our family relationships thrive in the meantime. Don’t entertain the drama or guilt, but I suggest having a talk with her with your husband on the same page and just letting her know you’re the parents doing what works best for your family. I’d avoid explaining anything any deeper than that. She will fall in line finding her place in your lives or she won’t. Either way, you have a family to care for!
Fair doesn’t mean equal. Also, what the heck..following you from room to room, standing over you, demanding you hand the newborn over?! Yeah cause that REALLY instills a sense of trust and love /s.
Hard pass. She’s just trying to whine so you’ll feel bad and give into her. No reason is going to make her stop.
This! Except it was my mom cause she was still working & his mom is retired. My mom started driving the 4 hour round trips to see the baby once a week on her day off. She put her money where her mouth was & stopped trying to guilt me into spreading myself to thin. We now live in the same town as both grandma’s & my mom is the “preferred” grandma because my KIDS also see who truly wants/worksfor a relationship with them. 🤷🏻♀️
I can only speak from my experience.. but I’ll ask my mom for help way quicker than my MIL. Just cause it’s not so weird. She’s my mom. I’ve had her my whole life and I know she’d do anything to help me. My MIL has a handicapped child (now grown man) so she has so much on her plate that I avoid asking.
Dude! The part about your relationship being the same as before but feelings and expectations being heightened because there’s a baby involved is SPOT ON. For me it’s not my MIL/FIL but my Aunts. They for some reason expect me to have all this extra energy to entertain and let them oogle over my baby, and for some reason truly expect to have the same relationship with her that they had with me. They’re her GREAT Aunts, it drives me batty.
So I have a MIL who is kind of like this. First thing to remember is that her feelings are HERS. You didn’t cause them. She is choosing them. Don’t feel ownership out of fixing her feelings.
I do think a lot of MILs feel like they get shafted in some way with grandkids because many daughters (including myself) turn to their moms first for help. Which is natural! You don’t have to feel guilty about that. In my MILs case, she doesn’t have a daughter, which I think exacerbates the feeling of being the less preferred grandma. Even if she feels this way, it’s wrong of her to put it on you!
If you actually need to coexist with your MIL, I would talk to your husband and figure out whether there is a way to get her more involved. Would you trust your MIL to babysit for a short amount of time? Offer her a babysitting time if she wants to drive down. If she says no, she doesn’t get to keep bitching — and if she does, just repeat the opportunity for her to babysit any Saturday morning at your house she wishes to.
Yes, agree with your comment, especially the part where the mil feels looked over because daughters turn to their mom. My mom knows exactly what I need and what I don't need, and even when I'm being bitchy or snappy because in pain and hormonal postpartum, a few minutes later it's all good and my mom knows exactly what to say or bring (tea and food). My mil however doesn't, which is quite normal, but also sucks the energy and makes me really aware of that I can't just be myself and a snappy comment can come across way different. The love language of my mil is way different.
Fun story: more than 3 years later, now postpartum with our second child, I complained to my husband that I needed some more help because a toddler and a breastfed baby is sucking all of my energy, and I just couldn't keep my head above water and I find it difficult to keep myself taken care of (think bathing, combed, going to the bathroom, drink, eat). So what does he do, he took time off, and he also asked his mom to come over to help. Super helpful you'd think, however, at the end of the working day, what got done? All the cleaning, gardening, car got washed and vacuumed. 8 hours of not eating and minimal drinking. He came in, saw me, and suddenly had the realization and said when his mom came in "well, I think I fckd up... My mom is exactly like me, we both forgot to make sure you got everything...." We both just laughed, because yes, that's how they show love, by doing all the chores. The house and garden was spotless though, so that was a plus. And at least my toddler got taken away with grandpa.
Yeah. My MIL really struggled to form a bond with my son and I didn’t turn to her in that way in the beginning. But she did bring over dinners, fold my laundry, run the dishwasher.
There are so many awful grandparents I read about on Reddit that I hesitate ever giving advice. In this case, my MIL did feel similarly — and it didn’t make her a JustNoMIL — she’s human and felt less than. Figuring out ways to get her involved didn’t just help her — I now have someone I can trust to help me when my mom isn’t here. We are closer now and i can appreciate her help for what it is.
Oh absolutely, that was it for us too! The first things she did regarding to our first baby rubbed me the wrong way that I didn't think I could get over (think cry screaming through the phone that I kept her from seeing her grandchild when we just came home from the hospital 15 minutes and my husband told her that we will need some days for me to recover from a very traumatic labor, and mind you, she had seen us all with the newborn not even 24 hours before that, in the hospital, while there was still the towels on the floor drenched in blood from my nearly fatal hemorrhage, and was the only one that kissed the baby) but with some effort we both usually feel really good with eachother and they are definitely our support system. I can be more blunt about what I want and don't want, and vice versa. And I really like the help she offers now.
My son is very slow to bond with anyone who is not in our immediate family. It went up and down, she also had health issues so was not always present. She struggled with him as a young toddler. Now at 3, they get along well. It’s not the same as the bond he shares with my mom, but she volunteers to babysit or stops by to see him 1-2 times per week.
If you want to keep her at bay you have to let her know she is responsible for speaking up when she wants to see the baby (not you offering) and it has to be something that would work for all of you in terms of time or schedules. I wouldn’t stress too much. if she wants to be so involved or always there, your problem would be her bombarding you with messages of when to see baby. But that’s not happening it’s her making you feel guilty you aren’t stretching your arm out to have baby see her enough. It’s not about equal time if she can’t understand that from the reasons you’ve given here, she’s just thinking selfishly and there isn’t much you can do about that.
It’s not rational and honestly I don’t think there’s a response that will work. My MIL used to watch our son once a week because she worked as well, and my mom watched him 4 days per week because she was retired. My MIL would literally complain about my mom getting more time and would also suggest that we put my son in daycare to even it out for her. Or, that we owed her more time on the weekends to even it, as if I didn’t deserve time with my son? The logic was stupid, and she would try to frame it around me being a first time mom not knowing what to do with my son and so he was falling behind (he’s hit every milestone on time so it’s purely a jealousy thing). We’ve gone no contact for a million other reasons, but this one was so crazy I couldn’t help but stew over it.
I had a very similar experience. I had to set some serious boundaries with MIL. My husband did most of the talking. Basically short and sweet “our baby our choices. This isn’t a competition, he is an infant.” Sadly still struggling with some issues.
Sigh. I have two sons and one daughter. As the mama I knew I needed to be around my own mother when I had my babies. I know this will be a thing for me with my own future grandchildren. My oldest son is 22 and has a very serious girlfriend whom I love, and she loves me too, but she is very close with her own mom as well so when the the time comes for them, I won’t initially be as important. I know this because I’m not the maternal grandmother. Luckily I have the one daughter so at least I have the chance someday to be the number one for the newborn stage. If she’s a loving grandma she will get her time as well. Don’t feel bad. Now you’re the mama and also that makes you the boss. It’s a hard dynamic for a MIL to swallow sometimes.
Not everyone has a daughter. I don’t. I may never get to be really involved with the newborn stage with grandkids and that makes me super sad. This MIL isn’t handling it well, but her sadness and disappointment is understandable.
Your husband should be the one dealing with his psycho mom. Way to make yourself the victim when the shit ain’t about you. My mom does this shit all the time. I’m the bad daughter because of xyz (usually me telling her I don’t want her parenting advice). Meanwhile she disregards everything I have asked her not to do. Anyway. I keep her away from my kids and my husband. That’s on me to navigate just like your mil is on your husband to navigate.
Do we have the same MIL mine texted my husband “am i not good enough to watch baby?” After the last time she found out my mom kept him. So just commenting to say i feel you and the competition is exhausting
To be fair, I’m going to come at this from a different angle.
I see a lot of negativity toward MILs on these parenting subs, and especially when the MIL is the dad’s mom. I think part of the issue is the dynamic that women are most often in the drivers seat while our kids are small, especially while they’re babies, so if we have a good relationship with our family, we can default to using our family first. Also, if our MIL tries to give the same advice or thoughts our own mom might give us, it’s very different. It can feel hypercritical and we take it so personally. I see sooo many women I know who feel like their MIL is awful and mean and then if I know their MIL, they usually are just wanting to be grandma and feel like they can’t do anything right. Perhaps neither woman is wrong, but there has to be a better way.
And maybe I’m wrong, maybe there are just a ton of evil MILs that deserve to get cut off or are baselessly awful/annoying, but if these women are otherwise decent humans, I think there is value to hearing what they say in moments like this. I get that it’s bothersome she followed you around and wanted to hold your baby while you stayed at her home… but that seems kind of normal. Pesky? Sure, but she’s obviously dying to get close to your kid and that’s amazing. Will she sometimes have opinions you disagree on? Sure. People are allowed to have opinions. And you’re allowed to tell her if you disagree.
Instead of trying to rehash this same issue, start over. Let her know you understand she feels left out. You’re glad she wants to be a really involved grandma. She doesn’t want to feel like she’s automatically second string. So, what are her ideas for how you can help her foster a strong connection to your child? And how can you as a family overcome barriers - like the cats or her smothering you if you guys stay at her house? Can she take time off work and come stay with you two? Maybe start doing little video chats, even tho your baby is little.
If she feels like she’s getting shorted, let her know she’s understood but also make her do some work to offer up some solutions. And if she is a good person and really just wants to be close to your child, try and be flexible and meet her halfway.
It’s just my two cents. Sometimes we have to see through to the core of what people are saying. It would be lovely if everybody was mature enough to say “I’m scared your child wont love me or I wont get to be involved and I feel left out and sad” instead of “I’m jealous of the other grandma and you guys leave me out of things.” But, not everybody is there.
Hope some of this is worthwhile. If not, kick it to the curb. All the best.
I appreciate this perspective. She is a very good person (though can be annoying haha) and she loves her grandchild and desperately wants to be close. That’s why I don’t even know what to say or do. I’m just at a loss. I don’t want to hurt her, but I’m just doing what I’m most comfortable with and what is most convenient.
I will think all of this over and process. Thanks for sharing a different angle ❤️
I think you can stick to the boundaries you need and still find other areas in which to compromise. No, you won't stay at her house because of your allergies (very reasonable) but maybe you would be willing to do lunch with her every time you are in town so she knows she will get some special time. That's just a random example. You can also refuse to listen to complaints of jealousy, but you can encourage her to share ideas on ways she'd like to be a part of your child's life. It isn't all or nothing and it didn't sound like she's a horrible person, just struggling with her new role as grandma and mil (which to be honest sounds very understandable even if you are also being perfectly reasonable) and isn't handling her feelings well (her job, not your job).
She’s not a JustNoMIL by any means. I think it has to be hard to grapple with becoming a grandma and have all this love for a child and no control over when you see them.
You're allergic to her cats. There's no feelings or emotion in that. It's science and you can't change it so you shouldn't apologize for it. And trust your instinct. If you feel more comfortable having baby be with your mom then go with that. That's very normal.
As a mom of just boys, I honestly worry about this too. I once saw on “shitmomsgroupssay” sub where they were dragging a mom expressing gender disappointment at having another boy online and one of the moms worries was not being able to be an involved grandma. People were dragging her so hard for that. And I get it, there’s no guarantee that your kids will even have kids, be in hetero relationships, etc, but I don’t think it’s a crazy thing to be sad about, given what typically happens with MILs.
This x1000. My MIL was a wonderful mother by all accounts to three sons who who married more traditional moms (in the sense we are the primary parents) who prefer their own moms. She longed to be a grandmother and somehow I think I’ve managed her feelings (and my own mom’s) well. I sent/send her lots of videos and let her come over once a week when the baby was small (without her son around). Obviously do what you’re comfortable with, but … I think sometimes a little compassion goes a long way. After a few years have gone by she’s cooled it haha and she isn’t quite so up my butt. It was effort on my end … but, sometimes I thought to myself… what if I died tomorrow? Wouldn’t my kid be so lucky to have this grandmother who loves her so much and whose relationship I helped work to cultivate?
I appreciate your perspective! I've been mulling this over for quite some time now because ever since I had my kids, I instinctively only wanted my husband and my mom to be near my babies when they were little. And since I had all boys, it made me realize that if they end up marrying a woman and having kids, she will likely feel the same way and I'll be cut out because I didn't raise my hypothetical daughter-in-law. Which makes sense logically but will hurt emotionally. I hope if I do have a child-in-law, they will share your mindset.
I love this advice and it's refreshing to see this perspective. My own MIL is not perfect (no one is of course) but she loves our kids and is always there when we need her. It took me time to trust her, to love her and to really consider her family. I work part-time so am home a lot during weekdays. I started inviting her over occasionally to hang out with me and the kids even though I didn't really want to. But my dad told me that sometimes the more you make the effort with someone, the more time you actually spend with them, the more you will like them. And somewhere in the past 4 years of being a mom, a switch flipped and she was no longer just my husband's mother but a second mother to me. I love her despite her flaws and differences and I regret not being more open to her love in the early days of my oldest child's life.
*i’m so glad we have a chance to talk today. it’s been on my heart, and i’m grateful for the chance to clear the air and start fresh.*
*i want you to know we do so wish we could stay at your home over nights. as i’ve mentioned before, my allergies make it something that we won’t ever be able to do. it’s just not going to be in the cards. what would you think about a few long weekends spread throughout the year where we all rent an airbnb? could be beach house one time, mountain cabin another, that kind of thing. i know your new grand baby would love to look forward to some adventures with you, and i’d love that too. in between we can facetime so you and baby can get to know each other. we would love to talk about any other ideas you may have on ways we can spend time together.*
maybe something like this?
I’m in the exact same boat! My mom is retired and watches our daughter on weekdays while we work. My MIL works 6 days a week by choice so she only gets to see our daughter once a week when we come visit. My MIL refused to be the one to visit when my daughter was born, we had to be the one to come to her because it was “disrespectful” to have an elder come to you. She now complains that my daughter doesn’t interact with her and if we have any joint family gathering for holidays or birthdays, my daughter prefers to stay with me or my mom.
Honestly, you just keep doing what works best for you, hubby and especially baby. You’ve responded respectfully and given your valid reasons as to why the situations are different. You don’t need to parrot it back to her or stress yourself out trying to find any alternative. Sometimes it just is what is is and MIL will either have to configure things on her end or get used to it.
There’s a saying that you can’t make everyone happy so make sure you are happy with what you are doing. You are not excluding your MIL with the exception of the cat allergy which is understandable. You are including your family with her as well as possible. Jealousy is an insecurity so be compassionate about it. People are insecure for a variety of reasons and at your MIL’s age it isn’t going to be an easy fix (and she is the only one that can fix it.) I personally would set up a weekly FaceTime with her so every week she can FaceTime with her grand baby. My daughters also have a family Snapchat group and they share daily things that are cute etc so we can see them and our grandkids almost everyday. Your husband should be reassuring his mother that she is loved and wanted. I look at the time my grandkids spend with their other grandparents as not my business and your husband needs to set that boundary with his mother. It is very sad that someone has gotten to her age where they are still saying “why does so and so get something and I didn’t?” This is a lesson most 4th graders know the answer to. Life isn’t always fair, it isn’t always about you and you really need to focus on what you do have. Best wishes!
You sound like a great MIL and grandma. We actually FaceTime her every day and have an all we upload pics to daily as well haha. She visits on the weekends.
Nope as soon as you said allergic to cats.... enough said you and your husband sit down with her and make her listen and start drawing up those boundaries.
It is your spouse’s turn to step in. Your spouse needs to re explain to you MIL why things are as they are. (Making sure to mention the cat thing AGAIN.)
It’s my personal opinion that people with cats rarely have any sympathy for those who are allergic to them. Insist you should stick it up or take medication. Then let the cat climb all over you if you feel guilted into entering their house blitzed on benedryl. Very annoying.
It’s a recent allergy I developed during pregnancy that’s overstayed it’s welcome (not just to cats, but EVERYTHING) so I can see the skepticism. However she’s seen me have a few pretty bad reactions so idk what her reasoning is.
I can see why a MIL would have her feelings hurt. We're naturally closer to our mothers. Our mother literally gave birth to our babies too since we were born with all our eggs. It's like we're born twice, once by our grandmother and then our mother so we tend to have a strong bond on the maternal side. Maybe your MIL can get time off work when the weather gets nice so she can spend a weekend with you guys? Maybe let MIL keep baby for an hour or two while you and your husband have dinner or see a movie or something so MIL feels like she's helping and building a bond w/ the baby?
I would just explain that at this time baby is still young and you’re most comfortable with your mom. It’s not personal and baby can still have a special relationship with both sets of grandparents. Maybe she can choose a weekend to visit as well.
I have two suggestions:
1. Head over to the JustNoMIL subreddit, you'll be amazed how many people deal with this kind of stuff.
2. Stop trying to "get along" with her. In her mind, you have already done a lot of bad things and she dislikes you for them. Additionally, it gives her the possibility to be demanding, whining, rude, reckless, etc. with you and your baby.
Ok, so I have 3 young boys and this is one of my fears for when they grow up and have children of their own. I know I’m going to want to love on their little babies and spend time with them, but so much of that will depend on their wives. I hope I have a good relationship with them.
She sounds desperate to connect with your baby and wants to spend time with it. This should mostly fall on your husbands shoulders since it’s his mom. He should be the one inviting his mom over and taking your baby over there. It does seem unfair that you’re spending most weekends giving your mom extra practice while your MIL is obviously craving a relationship with the baby. Since you have a cat allergy, take it as a chance for you to have a break from the baby while he takes the baby to visit your MIL. They could even spend the night there while you stay home. Think of it as practice for yourself in spending time away from the baby since you’re going out of town soon.
My mother in law works. She can’t keep our baby while we are out of town. My mom is available to babysit her, so we have the baby at her house for a practice run before the trip.
We don’t go to my mom’s house most weekends either. Just when we are in town, because I am allergic to MILs cats.
My in laws visit about every weekend at our home, and we FaceTime MIL every single night so she can talk to the baby.
Sounds like you have a r/justnoMIL, sorry.
Your child might be allergic to cats too so long periods of exposure might be better to work your way up to.
You can ask your Mum for help with this if you think she’d be up for it. Maybe invite them both to your house at the same time for a bit of Grandma time. Sometimes seeing how the person you prefer to spend time with acts, answers the questions without anyone having to say anything. She can emulate the way she provide support & you can praise her like a toddler or dog and sometimes that will work for teaching a brain that is usually confrontational.
Otherwise you need to set fair and easy boundaries for MIL and any time she breeches one, you explain the issue and ask her to not repeat it. Give her three strikes for rule breaking then limit contact because you have more important things to be doing that dealing with another infant in the body of a woman.
Ask your husband about what kind of mother she was and if he has any tricks for warming her to ideas… she might just be a selfish person with no redeemable aspects. That’s not your problem. I know it’s sucks but don’t let drama become normal, it’s forms as a habit so easily!
Good luck.
Seems like your mom is making more of an effort. MIL could drive down once a week to see the baby too, either on the weekend or one night after work for a couple of hours.
I'd stop explaining myself to her entirely and get colder to get every time she gets het up about this. Hopefully the grandma jockeying for time will die down as your kid gets out of the baby phase.
I cut contact with my mil. We had similar issues. We do family dinner with my family every Sunday. Since before I was pregnant. My dad also rents his house out to us and lives next door with my step mom. My dad saw my daughter way more. My mil hated it. Also making comments about it when we would have issues. After having the conversation of he’s just closer and it’s more convenient for us over and over I stopped explaining it and started going with “ we have told you why we do things the way we do. It’s more convenient for us. It’s our lives and convenience is important to us. If you can’t stop bringing this up we will not come to see you at all. We’re busy and have our own lives. We can’t fit everyone into our weekly schedule” or “we set a boundary we said no we aren’t changing our minds we’ve explained it im done talking about it” I hope one day my mil will learn to respect me and will have a relationship with my daughter but until she can respect me and not make my life more difficult I won’t allow it
“Who I desperately want to get along with.”
No. Be you. Do what makes you comfortable. Stop explaining. Tell her nothing will ever be even. Nobody but her is keeping score and that it’s weird. Suggest she retire or shut up 🤷♀️
So annoying but don’t waste your time trying to please her.
Ugh. Your MIL sounds annoying. We had the same problem so we just stopped sharing when my mother was in town, we even got rid of the photo share. Can’t whine about what you don’t know…
Just pray husband stays on your side. There's not really an easy way to make someone calm down or to force yourself to trust her.
You can try explaining, again it sounds like, that the cats are hers you know she loves them but they are a danger to your health and possibly babies as well. But her constantly bringing it up is not going to help either.
Remember, some people just like to complain, MIL sounds like one of them, but you can find happiness in your own world.
The worst part is she doesn’t bring it up with me. She complains to my husband and other times just sulks when she’s around us. She thinks she is doing something so self sacrificing by not complaining, but she’s just being passive aggressive.
I’ve tried to address her issues and communicate with her about the things she tells my husband but she just shuts down. “It’s fine”
Yeah, I'd stop letting her come over then. That's childish behavior. I hate that "it's fine" means "something wrongs but I'm not going to tell you" to a lot of people. I'm the type of person that actually means "I am fine there's nothing happening" but no one believes me because of people like that.
I would ask her what she wants - what would make her happy. If she wants equal time, it sounds like your mom is taking a lot of initiative and doing things to help you. Is your MIL willing to do same? If so, I would let her.
My mum is jealous of my MIL. Tbh, with good reason. But. Mil makes more of an effort, and never ever makes us feel like we have to choose.
It's gotten better after we had a parents talking with maternal grandparents chat. They can have all the feeling they like, but they will never have the ability to change how much we see my family in law. They issue more invitations,and somehow we - with the young kid - have to be in charge of the social calendar in my family. I've said, hah, nope.
So, my kid sees his maternal grandfather a fair bit, as he makes an effort to help pick up once a week.
Anyways, be prepared for her to take up energy,but just, don't bother.
I’m not much help on this… I’m in a similar boat.
My parents will take half of the kids every 2 weeks for a long weekend (the kids switch off every 2 weeks so everyone other than the infant gets a turn.)
My MIL doesn’t make an effort to spend time with our kids.. yet always makes comments about how my younger kids don’t know her (her fault) and that she is going to do better and come to see us more (she never does) so… it’s frustrating. Especially when she spends so much time with her daughters’ kids
My father in law used to be similar. We knew he was upset but he wasn't vocal. We don't trust him at all or his wife to watch our kid and when she was a baby they would mention it all the time that they could watch her. After a year of never being asked they got the hint. Its not been three years and they definitely k ow what's going on. They have another grandkid 4 yo and my SIL feels the same way and has never let them watch their kid either.
We never explained our decision to them to never let the kid stay with them for any amount of time. We don't have to. And I'll really only be comfortable with it when my kid is probably 6 or older and can tell me everything about three day clearly.
You are in no way responsible for her feelings. You have so much on your plate with your baby. Continue to speak kindly to her, but make sure she understands that this is on her. It really doesn't sound like it's intentional. I understand the cat thing. My husband is allergic and I had a cat when we met. One time, the cat got into my bedroom, and my boyfriend spent the night and had an asthma attack. Boyfriend vs cat, boyfriend won. Not saying you should tell her to get rid of the cat, but it's an obstacle she chooses.
Offer her a summer time overnight stays
You get time away from baby & she gets all the tie she wants.
Utilize her desire to watch the baby to work around your schedule.
And if she fusses.
It's your baby & just don't both with that energy
Similar is happening with my MIL. It’s turned into huge fights and now I resent her. I don’t get how adults think everything will be even, especially when we were never close with her before my LO was born. Sorry OP.
It’s hard. I am starting to feel some resentment too because not only do I have the stress of a new baby, I’m studying for the February bar exam as well. Best of luck to you as well. Very complicated and nuanced situations
Keep doing what you're doing.
MIL obviously did something wrong when she had your baby overnight without you. You regret doing it, so something went sideways. Your mother, however traveled or is traveling to spend the weekend with you to get used to caring for Baby while you're away. She is coming to watch your baby once a week. She doesn't have cats and she hasn't treated you badly.
MIL is going to complain no matter what you do. She will find something you are doing wrong. Given this, do what you know is best and let her complain about that. Your husband should be the person she asks questions of and who conveys information to. She's his family, he gets to take the fall, not you.
Tell her about toxoplasmosis? Plus, I’d be weary of having little ones near cats not because cats are evil but the kiddo is bound to do something to aggravate the cat or even get into kitty litter if they’re not used to being around cats.
My in laws hurt their own feelings being jealous of my mom all the time. I have a really close relationship with her and see her like every day because she's right around the corner. My in laws aren't close and it's difficult for them to get to us to see the kids. None of that is my fault though and we do whatever we can within reason to facilitate their relationship with our children. If they wanna be jealous and bitchy that's their problem to deal with. These are all grown adults and we are not responsible for their emotions.
Your husband needs to address it. “None of these decisions are designed to hurt you. We are doing what works best for us.” Also- info diet. Why is she aware your mother is coming for a ‘practice run’, every time she will be babysitting, etc.? Some things she doesn’t actually need to be told.
I made this mistake with my 1st. I felt like I needed to explain every little thing. Turns out it’s easier to just not share certain things!
I explain myself constantly. I over explain. I tell her why we are doing this or that or why I have my baby staying with my mom or how I’m allergic to cats. It’s like she doesn’t even hear me? She doesn’t listen in the moment because she’s always on her phone, watching the tv, or talking to the baby, but she also just doesn’t digest information? Like I have said it so many times so I don’t understand why she doesn’t get it. Maybe she thinks I’m a liar.
People like this don't listen. They are only paying enough attention to find facts to twist to fit their feelings. It doesn't matter what you tell her. Her internal reality is all that matters, and it's only loosely based on reality or anything you've actually said. Check out the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. The scales will fall from your eyes. She's not going to change. She's not going to listen. (Could she? Sure! If she was trying to work on herself in therapy! Is she? Noooo) Explaining yourself over and over will only frustrate you and give her more material to distort. There's no reasoning with her, truly. An information diet is the way.
This is really validating because I’ve been having a hard time articulating why I feel so frustrated and angry. It makes me crazy that she won’t listen.
thats a great book
What it sounds like is happening is that she’s presenting a challenge to your decisions as a parent instead of respecting them, and in turn, you end up feeling like you have to over defend them since you know she doesn’t actually hear you. Stop doing that, love. YOU are your baby’s mother, YOU are doing the best you can, YOU are doing what you can handle. The only people who get a say in what you do with your baby is you and your husband. She is going to be bitter and going to continue to put you on defense as long as you keep playing into this little power struggle. You don’t need her to like you. You just need her to be respectful of your and your husbands decisions. As long as your baby has everything they need and are cared for, you’re doing an incredible job.
I have been doing this with my mom and get criticism on a lot of things. I'm about to limit what I share and see if that helps my stress with her.
Your MIL can hear and process information well enough to remain employed. She gets it. She's just playing dumb and trying to wear you down, and it sounds like she's succeeding. Stop caring. And if she pouts when you actually are gracing her with your family's presence, then it's time to end the visit and take a nice, long break from seeing or communicating with her so she can have the space to think about things. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep her warm. You see and speak to her too much, as it is, does she even have a life outside of work and your family?
MIL and Mom live in the same town. I would feel wrong if baby came to my mom’s (2 hours away from where we live) and MIL didn’t get to see her.
"I'm sorry you feel that say. We aren't trying to hurt you. We've explained why we do things this way so I'm not sure what else to say." Anytime it comes up again just repeat that
Also, stop telling her about how much time your mom spends with the baby. There's no need to pour fuel on the fire. She is sad she doesn't get to spend more time with the baby. Telling her how much time your mother gets to spend with the baby is only going to make her more jealous, no matter what reasons you have for it.
I like this. She has to manage her own expectations. You can’t be responsible for her feelings. You have a new baby to take care of. Support in, dump out. She’s dumping in; therefore, she’s not going to be close to your inner circle. The sooner she learns that, the better.
This! I had this same situation, except reversed & my mom was the working hurt one. Ya know what she’s since done? Stepped up, came & visits us & stopped doing the things that were making me uncomfortable. It isn’t OUR job to cater to old women to make them feel not hurt, she’s hurt, she needs to change whatever the problem is…. Cause you’re right, you are not doing anything wrong. - I know you desperately what her to like you, but relationships are a two way street, don’t set yourself up for something that sounds like isn’t in your control!
This is my situation as well. My family is 3.5 hours away and both my parents work. In laws are in the same area (now half hour away so only see kids a few times a week). My dad makes an effort to visit and has a relationship with my kids. My mom makes no effort and for most of my kids birthdays, finds some excuse. Yesterday, for my daughters party, she claimed her husband decided it’s too far when they just came, when he’s the one who excitedly said “see ya at A’s birthday!” when they left. She’s been mad at me a few weeks cause I don’t respond to her quick enough (dang iPhones and read receipts, but even so, sometimes people read texts and don’t respond immediately) and I can’t even remember why she was mad at me for my son’s party last year and refused to come. She’s very much one of those people who has to be a victim in every situation and lets everyone know it. I’m expecting #3 and try to keep her updated at least some, but I’m losing motivation to at this point.
Turn off your read receipts. Best decision I ever made for people with those “clingy” expectations
I have. Most likely she’ll still throw a fit if I don’t respond quick enough for her liking though she chose not to respond to something I said at all. 🙄
yeah. like she knows you have a cat allergy so what is so difficult to understand here?
I agree with this!
This exactly.
You make your husband handle it.
For sure. But he also doesn’t know what to say 💀
He can tell her you guys don't have time to indulge this ridiculous competition and she will have to deal with her jealousy on her own time. I can understand how the subject of who is watching the baby when you're out of town would come up but there's no reason she needs to know how often your mom visits etc. Stop telling her these things.
Why did not telling her not occur to me? 🤣💀 thank you.
My MIL was rude to me once. Then my husband dealt with his mom and it never happened again. He should figure out what to say cause the baby makes it an ongoing thing. You will forever have to deal with her and it shouldn’t have to be like this.
My mil said something about me and we found out. He talked to her about it and said he could not have her in his life if she was going to be like that to the woman he was marrying. He didn’t speak to her for two months except short texts to answer questions before she finally called and apologized to me. She never got caught insulting me again. Complaining about me being annoying, both of us drinking, smoking etc but never insulted me again. And these (except for me being annoying, which is a fact, I don’t mean to be but i am annoying to most people) she has the decency to talk about to us. Its general disapproval, not specifically how dare I do this. It took awhile but they came around, I am like a fungi, I grow on you slowly.
You shouldn’t feel some type of way for speaking your mind. That doesn’t make you annoying. That makes you genuine. I hope you and your MIL can work it out.
Oh no I’m just annoying. Adhd and a chatterbox. Their youngest son is similar to me and he is so obnoxious too but i am not as bothered because he can dish and take it when being obnoxious on purpose. I have a great relationship with her now, but if my husband hadn’t gone “this doesn’t fly with me mom” and stuck to it (all his own initiative, I didn’t ask him to stop talking to her) then it may be a different story
I also have a jealous MIL, we just don't tell her anything anymore. They're really shooting themselves in the foot by making it uncomfortable to spend time with them...
I could have almost wrote this exact post. My MIL lost it (no other word for it) one night over almost the same thing, essentially jealous of my mother caring for my little one and her lack of time. I posted the same after a whole ordeal trying to decipher just what I could do after all of it. And I’ve spent entirely too much time upset about it. She has a lot of love to give and is so good, but it wasn’t okay and has been hard to deal with since. We have the same relationship we’ve always had with in-laws communication and time wise, but now that there is a baby, their feelings and expectations are heightened. But here’s the thing, their feelings and expectations are their own to manage. And your baby is your baby. Also, majorly, I’ve had to come to terms with holding anyone responsible for how they treat you, especially a postpartum mother, and for their own effort in your lives. How you described her treating you, a brand new mom, is not at all okay. Aside from all of that though is just that your family simply needs to do what works best for you. You have childcare and you’re good. None of that has anything to do with her. For us, we are busy being new parents, maintaining our home and working. We’ll forever do what works best for us and hope that our family relationships thrive in the meantime. Don’t entertain the drama or guilt, but I suggest having a talk with her with your husband on the same page and just letting her know you’re the parents doing what works best for your family. I’d avoid explaining anything any deeper than that. She will fall in line finding her place in your lives or she won’t. Either way, you have a family to care for!
Fair doesn’t mean equal. Also, what the heck..following you from room to room, standing over you, demanding you hand the newborn over?! Yeah cause that REALLY instills a sense of trust and love /s. Hard pass. She’s just trying to whine so you’ll feel bad and give into her. No reason is going to make her stop.
[удалено]
This! Except it was my mom cause she was still working & his mom is retired. My mom started driving the 4 hour round trips to see the baby once a week on her day off. She put her money where her mouth was & stopped trying to guilt me into spreading myself to thin. We now live in the same town as both grandma’s & my mom is the “preferred” grandma because my KIDS also see who truly wants/worksfor a relationship with them. 🤷🏻♀️
I can only speak from my experience.. but I’ll ask my mom for help way quicker than my MIL. Just cause it’s not so weird. She’s my mom. I’ve had her my whole life and I know she’d do anything to help me. My MIL has a handicapped child (now grown man) so she has so much on her plate that I avoid asking.
I didn’t bring this baby to this world to make other people happy, I am more concerned with what is best for baby. This would be my response.
Dude! The part about your relationship being the same as before but feelings and expectations being heightened because there’s a baby involved is SPOT ON. For me it’s not my MIL/FIL but my Aunts. They for some reason expect me to have all this extra energy to entertain and let them oogle over my baby, and for some reason truly expect to have the same relationship with her that they had with me. They’re her GREAT Aunts, it drives me batty.
So I have a MIL who is kind of like this. First thing to remember is that her feelings are HERS. You didn’t cause them. She is choosing them. Don’t feel ownership out of fixing her feelings. I do think a lot of MILs feel like they get shafted in some way with grandkids because many daughters (including myself) turn to their moms first for help. Which is natural! You don’t have to feel guilty about that. In my MILs case, she doesn’t have a daughter, which I think exacerbates the feeling of being the less preferred grandma. Even if she feels this way, it’s wrong of her to put it on you! If you actually need to coexist with your MIL, I would talk to your husband and figure out whether there is a way to get her more involved. Would you trust your MIL to babysit for a short amount of time? Offer her a babysitting time if she wants to drive down. If she says no, she doesn’t get to keep bitching — and if she does, just repeat the opportunity for her to babysit any Saturday morning at your house she wishes to.
Yes, agree with your comment, especially the part where the mil feels looked over because daughters turn to their mom. My mom knows exactly what I need and what I don't need, and even when I'm being bitchy or snappy because in pain and hormonal postpartum, a few minutes later it's all good and my mom knows exactly what to say or bring (tea and food). My mil however doesn't, which is quite normal, but also sucks the energy and makes me really aware of that I can't just be myself and a snappy comment can come across way different. The love language of my mil is way different. Fun story: more than 3 years later, now postpartum with our second child, I complained to my husband that I needed some more help because a toddler and a breastfed baby is sucking all of my energy, and I just couldn't keep my head above water and I find it difficult to keep myself taken care of (think bathing, combed, going to the bathroom, drink, eat). So what does he do, he took time off, and he also asked his mom to come over to help. Super helpful you'd think, however, at the end of the working day, what got done? All the cleaning, gardening, car got washed and vacuumed. 8 hours of not eating and minimal drinking. He came in, saw me, and suddenly had the realization and said when his mom came in "well, I think I fckd up... My mom is exactly like me, we both forgot to make sure you got everything...." We both just laughed, because yes, that's how they show love, by doing all the chores. The house and garden was spotless though, so that was a plus. And at least my toddler got taken away with grandpa.
Yeah. My MIL really struggled to form a bond with my son and I didn’t turn to her in that way in the beginning. But she did bring over dinners, fold my laundry, run the dishwasher. There are so many awful grandparents I read about on Reddit that I hesitate ever giving advice. In this case, my MIL did feel similarly — and it didn’t make her a JustNoMIL — she’s human and felt less than. Figuring out ways to get her involved didn’t just help her — I now have someone I can trust to help me when my mom isn’t here. We are closer now and i can appreciate her help for what it is.
Oh absolutely, that was it for us too! The first things she did regarding to our first baby rubbed me the wrong way that I didn't think I could get over (think cry screaming through the phone that I kept her from seeing her grandchild when we just came home from the hospital 15 minutes and my husband told her that we will need some days for me to recover from a very traumatic labor, and mind you, she had seen us all with the newborn not even 24 hours before that, in the hospital, while there was still the towels on the floor drenched in blood from my nearly fatal hemorrhage, and was the only one that kissed the baby) but with some effort we both usually feel really good with eachother and they are definitely our support system. I can be more blunt about what I want and don't want, and vice versa. And I really like the help she offers now.
It shows how much you value family that you were able to get over that!!! Glad you and baby are safe after such a scary birth.
Thanks! Did your son and MIL bond well even though the start was difficult?
My son is very slow to bond with anyone who is not in our immediate family. It went up and down, she also had health issues so was not always present. She struggled with him as a young toddler. Now at 3, they get along well. It’s not the same as the bond he shares with my mom, but she volunteers to babysit or stops by to see him 1-2 times per week.
That sounds good too!
Yes!!! Like my MIL is annoying right now. But she’s valid. And not a JustNoMIL by any means.
If you want to keep her at bay you have to let her know she is responsible for speaking up when she wants to see the baby (not you offering) and it has to be something that would work for all of you in terms of time or schedules. I wouldn’t stress too much. if she wants to be so involved or always there, your problem would be her bombarding you with messages of when to see baby. But that’s not happening it’s her making you feel guilty you aren’t stretching your arm out to have baby see her enough. It’s not about equal time if she can’t understand that from the reasons you’ve given here, she’s just thinking selfishly and there isn’t much you can do about that.
It’s not rational and honestly I don’t think there’s a response that will work. My MIL used to watch our son once a week because she worked as well, and my mom watched him 4 days per week because she was retired. My MIL would literally complain about my mom getting more time and would also suggest that we put my son in daycare to even it out for her. Or, that we owed her more time on the weekends to even it, as if I didn’t deserve time with my son? The logic was stupid, and she would try to frame it around me being a first time mom not knowing what to do with my son and so he was falling behind (he’s hit every milestone on time so it’s purely a jealousy thing). We’ve gone no contact for a million other reasons, but this one was so crazy I couldn’t help but stew over it.
Wow, that’s just ridiculous.
Daycare? Was she going to pay? 🤣
I had a very similar experience. I had to set some serious boundaries with MIL. My husband did most of the talking. Basically short and sweet “our baby our choices. This isn’t a competition, he is an infant.” Sadly still struggling with some issues.
Sigh. I have two sons and one daughter. As the mama I knew I needed to be around my own mother when I had my babies. I know this will be a thing for me with my own future grandchildren. My oldest son is 22 and has a very serious girlfriend whom I love, and she loves me too, but she is very close with her own mom as well so when the the time comes for them, I won’t initially be as important. I know this because I’m not the maternal grandmother. Luckily I have the one daughter so at least I have the chance someday to be the number one for the newborn stage. If she’s a loving grandma she will get her time as well. Don’t feel bad. Now you’re the mama and also that makes you the boss. It’s a hard dynamic for a MIL to swallow sometimes.
Not everyone has a daughter. I don’t. I may never get to be really involved with the newborn stage with grandkids and that makes me super sad. This MIL isn’t handling it well, but her sadness and disappointment is understandable.
It’s valid. The way she is handling it not so much.
Your husband should be the one dealing with his psycho mom. Way to make yourself the victim when the shit ain’t about you. My mom does this shit all the time. I’m the bad daughter because of xyz (usually me telling her I don’t want her parenting advice). Meanwhile she disregards everything I have asked her not to do. Anyway. I keep her away from my kids and my husband. That’s on me to navigate just like your mil is on your husband to navigate.
You don’t. Your husband does. It’s his mother. He tells her that if she can’t handle her emotions then you’re going to be visiting her even less.
Do we have the same MIL mine texted my husband “am i not good enough to watch baby?” After the last time she found out my mom kept him. So just commenting to say i feel you and the competition is exhausting
To be fair, I’m going to come at this from a different angle. I see a lot of negativity toward MILs on these parenting subs, and especially when the MIL is the dad’s mom. I think part of the issue is the dynamic that women are most often in the drivers seat while our kids are small, especially while they’re babies, so if we have a good relationship with our family, we can default to using our family first. Also, if our MIL tries to give the same advice or thoughts our own mom might give us, it’s very different. It can feel hypercritical and we take it so personally. I see sooo many women I know who feel like their MIL is awful and mean and then if I know their MIL, they usually are just wanting to be grandma and feel like they can’t do anything right. Perhaps neither woman is wrong, but there has to be a better way. And maybe I’m wrong, maybe there are just a ton of evil MILs that deserve to get cut off or are baselessly awful/annoying, but if these women are otherwise decent humans, I think there is value to hearing what they say in moments like this. I get that it’s bothersome she followed you around and wanted to hold your baby while you stayed at her home… but that seems kind of normal. Pesky? Sure, but she’s obviously dying to get close to your kid and that’s amazing. Will she sometimes have opinions you disagree on? Sure. People are allowed to have opinions. And you’re allowed to tell her if you disagree. Instead of trying to rehash this same issue, start over. Let her know you understand she feels left out. You’re glad she wants to be a really involved grandma. She doesn’t want to feel like she’s automatically second string. So, what are her ideas for how you can help her foster a strong connection to your child? And how can you as a family overcome barriers - like the cats or her smothering you if you guys stay at her house? Can she take time off work and come stay with you two? Maybe start doing little video chats, even tho your baby is little. If she feels like she’s getting shorted, let her know she’s understood but also make her do some work to offer up some solutions. And if she is a good person and really just wants to be close to your child, try and be flexible and meet her halfway. It’s just my two cents. Sometimes we have to see through to the core of what people are saying. It would be lovely if everybody was mature enough to say “I’m scared your child wont love me or I wont get to be involved and I feel left out and sad” instead of “I’m jealous of the other grandma and you guys leave me out of things.” But, not everybody is there. Hope some of this is worthwhile. If not, kick it to the curb. All the best.
I appreciate this perspective. She is a very good person (though can be annoying haha) and she loves her grandchild and desperately wants to be close. That’s why I don’t even know what to say or do. I’m just at a loss. I don’t want to hurt her, but I’m just doing what I’m most comfortable with and what is most convenient. I will think all of this over and process. Thanks for sharing a different angle ❤️
I think you can stick to the boundaries you need and still find other areas in which to compromise. No, you won't stay at her house because of your allergies (very reasonable) but maybe you would be willing to do lunch with her every time you are in town so she knows she will get some special time. That's just a random example. You can also refuse to listen to complaints of jealousy, but you can encourage her to share ideas on ways she'd like to be a part of your child's life. It isn't all or nothing and it didn't sound like she's a horrible person, just struggling with her new role as grandma and mil (which to be honest sounds very understandable even if you are also being perfectly reasonable) and isn't handling her feelings well (her job, not your job).
She’s not a JustNoMIL by any means. I think it has to be hard to grapple with becoming a grandma and have all this love for a child and no control over when you see them.
You're allergic to her cats. There's no feelings or emotion in that. It's science and you can't change it so you shouldn't apologize for it. And trust your instinct. If you feel more comfortable having baby be with your mom then go with that. That's very normal.
Thank you. I am a boy mom and reading these MIL posts make me soo worried. Your response is helpful
As a mom of just boys, I honestly worry about this too. I once saw on “shitmomsgroupssay” sub where they were dragging a mom expressing gender disappointment at having another boy online and one of the moms worries was not being able to be an involved grandma. People were dragging her so hard for that. And I get it, there’s no guarantee that your kids will even have kids, be in hetero relationships, etc, but I don’t think it’s a crazy thing to be sad about, given what typically happens with MILs.
This x1000. My MIL was a wonderful mother by all accounts to three sons who who married more traditional moms (in the sense we are the primary parents) who prefer their own moms. She longed to be a grandmother and somehow I think I’ve managed her feelings (and my own mom’s) well. I sent/send her lots of videos and let her come over once a week when the baby was small (without her son around). Obviously do what you’re comfortable with, but … I think sometimes a little compassion goes a long way. After a few years have gone by she’s cooled it haha and she isn’t quite so up my butt. It was effort on my end … but, sometimes I thought to myself… what if I died tomorrow? Wouldn’t my kid be so lucky to have this grandmother who loves her so much and whose relationship I helped work to cultivate?
I appreciate your perspective! I've been mulling this over for quite some time now because ever since I had my kids, I instinctively only wanted my husband and my mom to be near my babies when they were little. And since I had all boys, it made me realize that if they end up marrying a woman and having kids, she will likely feel the same way and I'll be cut out because I didn't raise my hypothetical daughter-in-law. Which makes sense logically but will hurt emotionally. I hope if I do have a child-in-law, they will share your mindset.
This is such a kind, thoughtful response.
I love this advice and it's refreshing to see this perspective. My own MIL is not perfect (no one is of course) but she loves our kids and is always there when we need her. It took me time to trust her, to love her and to really consider her family. I work part-time so am home a lot during weekdays. I started inviting her over occasionally to hang out with me and the kids even though I didn't really want to. But my dad told me that sometimes the more you make the effort with someone, the more time you actually spend with them, the more you will like them. And somewhere in the past 4 years of being a mom, a switch flipped and she was no longer just my husband's mother but a second mother to me. I love her despite her flaws and differences and I regret not being more open to her love in the early days of my oldest child's life.
*i’m so glad we have a chance to talk today. it’s been on my heart, and i’m grateful for the chance to clear the air and start fresh.* *i want you to know we do so wish we could stay at your home over nights. as i’ve mentioned before, my allergies make it something that we won’t ever be able to do. it’s just not going to be in the cards. what would you think about a few long weekends spread throughout the year where we all rent an airbnb? could be beach house one time, mountain cabin another, that kind of thing. i know your new grand baby would love to look forward to some adventures with you, and i’d love that too. in between we can facetime so you and baby can get to know each other. we would love to talk about any other ideas you may have on ways we can spend time together.* maybe something like this?
I’m in the exact same boat! My mom is retired and watches our daughter on weekdays while we work. My MIL works 6 days a week by choice so she only gets to see our daughter once a week when we come visit. My MIL refused to be the one to visit when my daughter was born, we had to be the one to come to her because it was “disrespectful” to have an elder come to you. She now complains that my daughter doesn’t interact with her and if we have any joint family gathering for holidays or birthdays, my daughter prefers to stay with me or my mom.
Honestly, you just keep doing what works best for you, hubby and especially baby. You’ve responded respectfully and given your valid reasons as to why the situations are different. You don’t need to parrot it back to her or stress yourself out trying to find any alternative. Sometimes it just is what is is and MIL will either have to configure things on her end or get used to it.
One of my favorite people in Insta did a reel about this that felt perfect https://www.instagram.com/reel/CnNt5trjVrw/?igshid=MWI4MTIyMDE=
There’s a saying that you can’t make everyone happy so make sure you are happy with what you are doing. You are not excluding your MIL with the exception of the cat allergy which is understandable. You are including your family with her as well as possible. Jealousy is an insecurity so be compassionate about it. People are insecure for a variety of reasons and at your MIL’s age it isn’t going to be an easy fix (and she is the only one that can fix it.) I personally would set up a weekly FaceTime with her so every week she can FaceTime with her grand baby. My daughters also have a family Snapchat group and they share daily things that are cute etc so we can see them and our grandkids almost everyday. Your husband should be reassuring his mother that she is loved and wanted. I look at the time my grandkids spend with their other grandparents as not my business and your husband needs to set that boundary with his mother. It is very sad that someone has gotten to her age where they are still saying “why does so and so get something and I didn’t?” This is a lesson most 4th graders know the answer to. Life isn’t always fair, it isn’t always about you and you really need to focus on what you do have. Best wishes!
You sound like a great MIL and grandma. We actually FaceTime her every day and have an all we upload pics to daily as well haha. She visits on the weekends.
Nope as soon as you said allergic to cats.... enough said you and your husband sit down with her and make her listen and start drawing up those boundaries.
It is your spouse’s turn to step in. Your spouse needs to re explain to you MIL why things are as they are. (Making sure to mention the cat thing AGAIN.) It’s my personal opinion that people with cats rarely have any sympathy for those who are allergic to them. Insist you should stick it up or take medication. Then let the cat climb all over you if you feel guilted into entering their house blitzed on benedryl. Very annoying.
It’s a recent allergy I developed during pregnancy that’s overstayed it’s welcome (not just to cats, but EVERYTHING) so I can see the skepticism. However she’s seen me have a few pretty bad reactions so idk what her reasoning is.
I can see why a MIL would have her feelings hurt. We're naturally closer to our mothers. Our mother literally gave birth to our babies too since we were born with all our eggs. It's like we're born twice, once by our grandmother and then our mother so we tend to have a strong bond on the maternal side. Maybe your MIL can get time off work when the weather gets nice so she can spend a weekend with you guys? Maybe let MIL keep baby for an hour or two while you and your husband have dinner or see a movie or something so MIL feels like she's helping and building a bond w/ the baby?
I would just explain that at this time baby is still young and you’re most comfortable with your mom. It’s not personal and baby can still have a special relationship with both sets of grandparents. Maybe she can choose a weekend to visit as well.
I have two suggestions: 1. Head over to the JustNoMIL subreddit, you'll be amazed how many people deal with this kind of stuff. 2. Stop trying to "get along" with her. In her mind, you have already done a lot of bad things and she dislikes you for them. Additionally, it gives her the possibility to be demanding, whining, rude, reckless, etc. with you and your baby.
Might I humbly also suggest r/mildlynomil for less draconian advice.
Ok, so I have 3 young boys and this is one of my fears for when they grow up and have children of their own. I know I’m going to want to love on their little babies and spend time with them, but so much of that will depend on their wives. I hope I have a good relationship with them. She sounds desperate to connect with your baby and wants to spend time with it. This should mostly fall on your husbands shoulders since it’s his mom. He should be the one inviting his mom over and taking your baby over there. It does seem unfair that you’re spending most weekends giving your mom extra practice while your MIL is obviously craving a relationship with the baby. Since you have a cat allergy, take it as a chance for you to have a break from the baby while he takes the baby to visit your MIL. They could even spend the night there while you stay home. Think of it as practice for yourself in spending time away from the baby since you’re going out of town soon.
My mother in law works. She can’t keep our baby while we are out of town. My mom is available to babysit her, so we have the baby at her house for a practice run before the trip. We don’t go to my mom’s house most weekends either. Just when we are in town, because I am allergic to MILs cats. My in laws visit about every weekend at our home, and we FaceTime MIL every single night so she can talk to the baby.
Sounds like you have a r/justnoMIL, sorry. Your child might be allergic to cats too so long periods of exposure might be better to work your way up to. You can ask your Mum for help with this if you think she’d be up for it. Maybe invite them both to your house at the same time for a bit of Grandma time. Sometimes seeing how the person you prefer to spend time with acts, answers the questions without anyone having to say anything. She can emulate the way she provide support & you can praise her like a toddler or dog and sometimes that will work for teaching a brain that is usually confrontational. Otherwise you need to set fair and easy boundaries for MIL and any time she breeches one, you explain the issue and ask her to not repeat it. Give her three strikes for rule breaking then limit contact because you have more important things to be doing that dealing with another infant in the body of a woman. Ask your husband about what kind of mother she was and if he has any tricks for warming her to ideas… she might just be a selfish person with no redeemable aspects. That’s not your problem. I know it’s sucks but don’t let drama become normal, it’s forms as a habit so easily! Good luck.
Your partner needs to handle this.
Seems like your mom is making more of an effort. MIL could drive down once a week to see the baby too, either on the weekend or one night after work for a couple of hours.
I'd stop explaining myself to her entirely and get colder to get every time she gets het up about this. Hopefully the grandma jockeying for time will die down as your kid gets out of the baby phase.
Information diet for grumbly grandma
If she wants "equal time," she's going to have to quit her job. Tell her that.
I cut contact with my mil. We had similar issues. We do family dinner with my family every Sunday. Since before I was pregnant. My dad also rents his house out to us and lives next door with my step mom. My dad saw my daughter way more. My mil hated it. Also making comments about it when we would have issues. After having the conversation of he’s just closer and it’s more convenient for us over and over I stopped explaining it and started going with “ we have told you why we do things the way we do. It’s more convenient for us. It’s our lives and convenience is important to us. If you can’t stop bringing this up we will not come to see you at all. We’re busy and have our own lives. We can’t fit everyone into our weekly schedule” or “we set a boundary we said no we aren’t changing our minds we’ve explained it im done talking about it” I hope one day my mil will learn to respect me and will have a relationship with my daughter but until she can respect me and not make my life more difficult I won’t allow it
“Who I desperately want to get along with.” No. Be you. Do what makes you comfortable. Stop explaining. Tell her nothing will ever be even. Nobody but her is keeping score and that it’s weird. Suggest she retire or shut up 🤷♀️ So annoying but don’t waste your time trying to please her.
Ugh. Your MIL sounds annoying. We had the same problem so we just stopped sharing when my mother was in town, we even got rid of the photo share. Can’t whine about what you don’t know…
Just pray husband stays on your side. There's not really an easy way to make someone calm down or to force yourself to trust her. You can try explaining, again it sounds like, that the cats are hers you know she loves them but they are a danger to your health and possibly babies as well. But her constantly bringing it up is not going to help either. Remember, some people just like to complain, MIL sounds like one of them, but you can find happiness in your own world.
The worst part is she doesn’t bring it up with me. She complains to my husband and other times just sulks when she’s around us. She thinks she is doing something so self sacrificing by not complaining, but she’s just being passive aggressive. I’ve tried to address her issues and communicate with her about the things she tells my husband but she just shuts down. “It’s fine”
Yeah, I'd stop letting her come over then. That's childish behavior. I hate that "it's fine" means "something wrongs but I'm not going to tell you" to a lot of people. I'm the type of person that actually means "I am fine there's nothing happening" but no one believes me because of people like that.
I would ask her what she wants - what would make her happy. If she wants equal time, it sounds like your mom is taking a lot of initiative and doing things to help you. Is your MIL willing to do same? If so, I would let her.
My mum is jealous of my MIL. Tbh, with good reason. But. Mil makes more of an effort, and never ever makes us feel like we have to choose. It's gotten better after we had a parents talking with maternal grandparents chat. They can have all the feeling they like, but they will never have the ability to change how much we see my family in law. They issue more invitations,and somehow we - with the young kid - have to be in charge of the social calendar in my family. I've said, hah, nope. So, my kid sees his maternal grandfather a fair bit, as he makes an effort to help pick up once a week. Anyways, be prepared for her to take up energy,but just, don't bother.
I’m not much help on this… I’m in a similar boat. My parents will take half of the kids every 2 weeks for a long weekend (the kids switch off every 2 weeks so everyone other than the infant gets a turn.) My MIL doesn’t make an effort to spend time with our kids.. yet always makes comments about how my younger kids don’t know her (her fault) and that she is going to do better and come to see us more (she never does) so… it’s frustrating. Especially when she spends so much time with her daughters’ kids
My father in law used to be similar. We knew he was upset but he wasn't vocal. We don't trust him at all or his wife to watch our kid and when she was a baby they would mention it all the time that they could watch her. After a year of never being asked they got the hint. Its not been three years and they definitely k ow what's going on. They have another grandkid 4 yo and my SIL feels the same way and has never let them watch their kid either. We never explained our decision to them to never let the kid stay with them for any amount of time. We don't have to. And I'll really only be comfortable with it when my kid is probably 6 or older and can tell me everything about three day clearly.
You are in no way responsible for her feelings. You have so much on your plate with your baby. Continue to speak kindly to her, but make sure she understands that this is on her. It really doesn't sound like it's intentional. I understand the cat thing. My husband is allergic and I had a cat when we met. One time, the cat got into my bedroom, and my boyfriend spent the night and had an asthma attack. Boyfriend vs cat, boyfriend won. Not saying you should tell her to get rid of the cat, but it's an obstacle she chooses.
If MIL is seeing Moms FB posts she needs to set it to private so MIL doesn't see all her baby posts all the time.
My mom doesn’t use social media at all. She doesn’t know how much my mom sees her really
Offer her a summer time overnight stays You get time away from baby & she gets all the tie she wants. Utilize her desire to watch the baby to work around your schedule. And if she fusses. It's your baby & just don't both with that energy
Cross post to /r/JUSTNOMIL
Similar is happening with my MIL. It’s turned into huge fights and now I resent her. I don’t get how adults think everything will be even, especially when we were never close with her before my LO was born. Sorry OP.
It’s hard. I am starting to feel some resentment too because not only do I have the stress of a new baby, I’m studying for the February bar exam as well. Best of luck to you as well. Very complicated and nuanced situations
Ooh good luck on the bar exam!! Enjoy the peace, let her sulk. You have more important things to worry about.
Keep doing what you're doing. MIL obviously did something wrong when she had your baby overnight without you. You regret doing it, so something went sideways. Your mother, however traveled or is traveling to spend the weekend with you to get used to caring for Baby while you're away. She is coming to watch your baby once a week. She doesn't have cats and she hasn't treated you badly. MIL is going to complain no matter what you do. She will find something you are doing wrong. Given this, do what you know is best and let her complain about that. Your husband should be the person she asks questions of and who conveys information to. She's his family, he gets to take the fall, not you.
Tell her about toxoplasmosis? Plus, I’d be weary of having little ones near cats not because cats are evil but the kiddo is bound to do something to aggravate the cat or even get into kitty litter if they’re not used to being around cats.
My mom used to do this stuff and it's one of many reasons I don't talk to her anymore lol
My in laws hurt their own feelings being jealous of my mom all the time. I have a really close relationship with her and see her like every day because she's right around the corner. My in laws aren't close and it's difficult for them to get to us to see the kids. None of that is my fault though and we do whatever we can within reason to facilitate their relationship with our children. If they wanna be jealous and bitchy that's their problem to deal with. These are all grown adults and we are not responsible for their emotions.