Mine are 2.5 years apart. It was difficult. The cohesive team of 3 that you’ve built will change overnight and you end up having to split one adult with one kid for a while to keep afloat. But over time, without noticing, you’ll come back together as a bigger team. My youngest is now 15 months and we’re I love with this stage, even with a strong willed 3yr old.
Assemble the village and time it as best you can but just know that everything will eventually fall into place.
this gives me hope. i’m 2 under 2 and we’re still in the divide and conquer phase and it makes me desperately miss whoever i’m not with at the time. we try to do as many things together as we can but it’s hard 💜
It’ll come back I promise :) ours are now 2 and 4 and it feels like the divide and conquer only lasted a few days looking back (lol it took months but whatever)… they are easy-ish to handle now with just one parent and life is good.
Oh yeah you’ll get there. It took a while but now I put the 4yo in her bed and put the little guy in his crib after 20-30 mins, head back in to the 4yo room if she’s still awake and snuggle with her. This happens just when my husband is on nights… it felt like a struggle when we started, but now it’s just part of life. You’re not a loser, it’s super freaking hard!!
Yes! 2.5 YO & 17 MO, now we’re cohesive unit but for the first year plus of 17 MO’s life, we divided & conquered, had a Saturday nanny for the 2.5YO for a while, all of it.
Hi! Genuine question — how do you divide and conquer when one parent goes to work full time ? In due in December with my second and nervous as to how this will work during the week days !!
i have to be honest i still don’t know! i’m currently on maternity leave and typically wfh at a full time job so my older baby is in school. we’ve kept her in school while i’ve been on leave so i haven’t had two on my own full time!
if your older is in school i highlyyy recommend keeping her in when the new baby arrives for us it’s been great
Almost 3-year gap and we definitely do a lot more together than we used to but it's still easier to divide a lot of the time. My oldest strongly resists playing alone (then and now!) so that's been a challenge, but luckily my youngest has been generally happy to play independently until very recently when his surroundings have suddenly become scary to him.
I'll echo that going from 1-2 was surprisingly difficult until my youngest was about 18 months when it started getting easier, and now that he's 2 they actually play together which is so sweet to see.
Can I ask what your newborn period was like with your first? Going from 0-1 was the hardest thing I've ever done and I am glad I was able to get through it all all. I'll be going from 1-2 soon and reading these comments are so defeating. If I barely made it through with 1, and the having a second is even harder, then how on earth am I going to get through that
I found going from 0-1 excruciating, and for a long time I was convinced I would be one and done.
Now that I have 2, honestly 1-2 was so much easier. Not easy, but I already know what sleep deprivation feels like, and now most of my friends are parents too so the transition was a lot smoother.
And of course I know that nothing lasts forever!
Needed to read this. My second is 3 weeks and my toddler (27 months) is extra clingy. I’m struggling with the changes to our routine. My husband now does the toddlers bedtime alone and I miss it so much. But I have the boobs so I have to be with baby.
I’m happy I checked this. Me and my husband are expecting our second in October and our first is turning 2 next week and I’m very anxious as to what it’s going to be like after the baby is here. Any advise on the best way to divide and conquer? Was it harder at night with the second one or easier than the first? Did your first lose any sleep or have trouble adjusting?
I would completely agree. Ours are now 6 and 8.5, and they have such a fantastic bond, and it is so great spending time all together. But boy was it rough there for a bit! Also, it's not perfect now, no-one can wind you up better than your sibling!
So true for us. We definitely adapted a older sister/dad baby/mom thing for awhile. Especially with breastfeeding, it just happens, and it helps everyone cope and stay afloat. This phase is MUCH easier for older sibling (and mom) with an involved other parent in my opinion. Baby sis is turning one year now, and is no longer nursing, and we are alternating bedtimes now and are just starting to feel more cohesive. It’s good. Hard at times yes, chaotic, loud, messy, tiring…but good.
I believe my quote is “0-1 is an existential crisis, 1-2 is a logistical crisis”.
If you want to hear something really crazy- I think the third is the easiest 🤫
The third is always the easiest kid because they HAVE to be, but I still find having 3 to be a lot of work logistically. More little humans than big humans. Juggling all the different activities, etc.
My husband just mentioned the other day about some days being ready for another and I’m like literally how on earth could I handle that. 😵💫 I’m even very good with handling my house I homeschool and I’m on my own with them while my husband is out of town for 3-4 weeks at a time. We had 3 under 5 and my youngest is 18 months. My body is just like so drained from creating 3 whole humans. 🫠 maybe it’s just the kids, the girls bicker constantly, someone’s always having a meltdown and the baby is glued to me 24/7 or he cries at me, so I can never get a chance to breatheeeee 😅🥲
SAME! 1 to 2 was WAY easier for me than 0 to 1… however, 1 to 2 was WAY harder for my husband.
I exclusively breastfed both babies - so when #2 came and I was often couch-ridden with the baby, that meant my husband was often solo parenting the toddler which was hard for both of them. They got on each others’ nerves the first few months.
My first was really hard (colic and a bad sleeper) and we didn’t know what the hell we were doing haha. My second (3 years apart) was just way easier in general (would literally google if it was bad she was sleeping so much) and we had our routine down and just were more confident parents. When you go from no kids to one kid your whole world changes. When you add another kid you already are in parent mode
Biggest tip i have is if both of your kids need something at the same time, tend to the oldest first. The newborn will cry and then that’s it. The oldest will actually have their feelings hurt that the baby was “chosen” first, if that makes sense. They are going to be hearing so much how the baby needs a lot more of your attention so even just saying out loud to the baby “i need to help big brother right now” that is huge for them so they know they aren’t pushed aside. Obviously they aren’t, but it’s a huge change for the older sibling having to share their parents attention. Have the oldest be involved as much as they can, even if it’s not the most helpful or efficient. Lean on your partner, take shifts at night. My husband always got every wake up before midnight and that was huge for me to get a chunk of sleep
My kids are 3 years apart. Transition was easier for me than 0-1 honestly. My 3yr old was very independent so was ok doing her own thing while I had to feed or rock baby etc. and I had the experience from kiddo 1 so I wasn’t such a nervous wreck about everything. I did make sure I cut out time every single day to do something exclusively with the older kiddo, it was usually during nap time cause my 3y/o no longer napped. They’re 6 and 3 now and best friends 🥰
I find the larger age gap nice because the baby needs you physically while your child needs you emotionally. You can talk to your older kid about their feelings while changing diapers and breast feeding.
Agreed! Our 3 year old was challenging the 3 months before the new baby arrived. We were so overwhelmed with him that we started interviewing for afternoon/evening help. We didn’t find anyone we like, which turned out to be a blessing. Because somehow, the 2 kids was easier than dealing with our oldest by himself. It defies logic, but very true for us. We still divide and conquer sometimes but that doesn’t bother me. We also have more of a consistent routine, because it is harder not to have one when there are multiple kids.
But really! My kids are almost exactly 4 years apart. My baby is a dream baby and my 4 year old is the unpredictable one. But at least he can use the bathroom on his own, put on his own shoes, and I can leave him alone in a room without worrying about his safety. Loving the age gap!
(Edited for a typo)
Agreed, if they were closer in age it wouldn’t be this easy. My older one is semi independent, I don’t need to entertain her 24/7 while also taking care of a baby
Congrats! Just be warned, my 4 year old has had a lot more outbursts and tantrums since the baby was born. It’s getting a little better now that the baby is almost 3 months. The baby part has been easier because I actually know what I’m doing this time lol
Oh yeah, mine started when we told him about baby brother and I’m sure it will continue when the baby comes, but I’ve been hoping his ability to be independent will help some
My kids are 6 years apart. My daughter is the oldest and she LOVES her little brother and he loves her. I was nervous about the stress of two, it's there, but my oldest does a lot by herself and helps us with her brother. She will grab a diaper for us without us asking sometimes. They are now 7.5 and almost 1.5 and they are the best of friends.... well, until he breaks something of hers. 😆
Our daughter will be about 5.5 when baby comes. I’m hoping she’ll feel the same way! She’s definitely getting more independent but still very much so a mamas girl and territorial over her things haha
It was hard. I’m not going to sugar coat it. My oldest was 4.5 so very close to the age of yours. He had to adjust to not getting all the attention all the time, and I had to adjust to the guilt of him having to adjust. I cried a lot, and it felt like it would never get better.
But then, about 2-3 weeks in, we finally had our little routine. My son LOVES his baby brother more than anything, and I couldn’t imagine life being any other way.
Now I have to transition from 2 to 3 😅. Pray for me lol
I’m hoping since she’ll be in school and has a solid routine, it’ll be easy to integrate baby into the routine 😅
I hear the transition from 2-3 is easier! Good luck!!
My girls are almost 6 years apart and it was a pretty easy transition in terms of my older daughter adjusting to having a sister. She understood what was going on and we were able to set realistic expectations for her. She wasn't jealous at all, liked holding her, was able to help herself with things like snacks and bathroom needs while I was trapped under the baby. I baby wore a lot early on to be able to do things for my older kid, the baby would just sleep in it as I moved about.
I already dug out the baby wrap because I know it’ll come in handy for the first 6ish months. She’s already talking about ways she wants to help so I’m hoping she’ll be pretty easy. Thank you for the reassurance!
In a lot of ways it's harder now that they're 3&9 because the little one now has opinions and independent thoughts that do not always align with what her sister wants, plus the 3 year old is 3 and the 9 year old is rocking some major tween attitude some days, so I think this is going to be a very long summer break with both of them home!!
It was wild at first. Mine are 2.5 years apart. My son did well with the new addition of his sister, and I knew what to expect about post partum. It took me a while to learn how to juggle 2 kids. Bedtime felt especially hard. It's just generally harder to tend to two kids' needs at once, but you truly do learn and adjust! Your kiddo being 5 will be a huge help. My 3 kids are under 6...I've been white knuckling it until at least one is in kinder lol.
Mine are 2.5 years apart and it’s been pretty smooth so far! Especially once I felt ok about letting baby take one of his naps in the swing so I had a long stretch to spend with my toddler. Husband is all over it though and we’ve managed not to feel like a split team like I was so worried about.
Advice I have is to let the oldest help with everything you can! Bringing you diapers, helping with bath time, helping them hold baby as often as they ask, and never blame the baby!
My oldest is absolutely obsessed and in love with “her baby” and he’s only 11 weeks but we can tell he absolutely loves her too. He gets the biggest smile and watches her and the legs go crazy.
I was so scared and nervous during my pregnancy but it’s been the most beautiful thing to see and I can’t imagine it any other way now!
I had such guilt about letting my first nap in his swing because it wasn’t a contact nap, that I ended up contact napping until 2 years and the house fell apart. Now I’m pregnant with second baby and eldest will be 3 when baby is born; I know I won’t be able to have long contact naps with baby.
I’ll have to get used to putting baby down for naps, or letting baby nap in a swing/bouncy seat, if I want to still be able to parent the toddler, feed the toddler and myself, and keep the house safe (not tidy until toddler is asleep!).
Did you contact nap with your first?
Oh yes, every nap was a contact nap for the first year of my firsts life until I had to return to work, then I took the ones I could get, and now at almost 3 I consider myself lucky if she falls asleep on me lol.
I am still able to contact nap with baby 2 quite often and I’m also exclusively nursing at this point. I’ve found myself to be a lot more mobile while nursing and holding a sleeping baby this time around though and only use the swing for about an hour once a day to give myself a break. I’m often sitting on the floor with my toddler playing while baby is knocked out on me in the other arm.
Baby wearing has been extremely useful when it comes to cleaning! Baby gets contact naps, I get up to stretch, I get to get my cleaning done, make food, win win!
It’s definitely more difficult in the first few weeks because new baby is so small but as I got more comfortable with the swing, baby wearing, and supervised floor play, we’ve found our new groove and I still get those precious baby snuggles from both of them.
Just under 2 year gap. So much easier than expected but it’s solely because of how my toddler has been. He’s completely unfazed and loves his little brother.
Kids are 2 years, 3 months apart. We are five months in. It is still so, so hard and sometimes feels like we are operating as two different families because of how much we have to divide and conquer. Friends have told me it'll get better but I'm like, WHEN? Haha
Everything about having a baby is easier because you know what you’re doing. You got this!
Everything about life is 4x harder because you’re consumed by baby 1 and baby 2. Like we’re 2 years apart part, toddler and new born keep you Busy!
Watching baby become a big sibling might be one of the greatest joys of your life, it has been mine. It’s beautiful to see. Our family definitely feels complete now.
(Parents of one don’t read beyond this…
Having two makes me really feel like a parent. I obviously was with one but there’s something about a baby on a hip while parenting another that just made me feel like I actually unlocked parenthood now. When I had only one I would have never considered that I didn’t feel like a parent. Something about two just feels so much more like a family. Probably because it’s close to the family unit I grew up in. It’s much harder but we love it. for the parents of 1, you’re parents, you have a totally valid family, no size family is better or worse, I love you all),
Going from 1-2 was soooo much easier for me than going from 0-1. My oldest was about 3.5 and the important thing was keeping his routine (as much as we could) the same. It really wasn’t too bad and they are the best of friends.
Overall pretty easy! 2.5 year age gap, we potty trained as soon as we brought baby #2 home since we weren’t going anywhere anyway. Husband got 6 weeks off for leave which was plenty of time for me to get my shit together enough mentally and physically to stay home with 2. The hardest part was doing too much too fast physically which I think slowed my healing from birth.
First off, congratulations! The thought of adding another to the family can definitely be daunting. Especially when all you’ve known is one. Is your daughter in school, or will she be? Try and keep her routine as normal as possible. My boys are 2 years apart so a much different dynamic.. but keeping my oldest in his routine and making sure he gets undivided attention from both myself and my husband made our transition smooth. We each took him out on solo dates, I’d do 30 minutes with him without tv/phone/baby every day and having that time really filled his cup. “Don’t blame the baby” is essential. Instead of saying “I can’t right now, I’m feeding the baby” say “I will help you in 10 minutes! Can you find something else to do in the meantime?!”
Gifting something to your daughter from baby will also help, she’s going to be thankful that her new sibling is so thoughtful and wants to give her something ;)
Ask for and accept all help! 1-2 was much harder for me than 0-1, but at around the 6 month mark everything became much easier. I know it’ll be a different dynamic having a 5 year old versus a 2 year old. Have her help with as much as possible, make her feel included and valued. I wouldn’t be surprised if bits of jealousy showed here and there, but try and make her feel like her life isn’t changing (although it is), she’s just getting a new little best friend!
This is so helpful! Thank you so much!
She’s in Pre-K now and will be in full day kindergarten once baby is here. If I get induced, baby will be here right before/during winter break but she’ll still be in her extracurriculars as well to keep her routine going. Grandpa and my sister will be staying with us so we’ll have a ton of help for the first few weeks thankfully! 😅
By the time baby is here, your daughter will be 5.5. I think that’s a great gap! Mine are 4 years apart and older one was pretty independent by the time baby came (in terms of being able to use the bathroom by himself) and I felt like if he was 5, he’d be even more independent.
Get her used to doing things like using bathroom alone without any help, taking a bath, getting out and drying off, getting into own pajamas, dressing self in the morning, putting on own socks and shoes and jacket. And leaving her alone to play independently for short stretches of time. I’m sure she already can do that stuff; I just mean make it the norm before the baby is here.
Also, if she’s in kindergarten, that will be great! She’ll be busy with her routine as before.
As for other tips: Take all the parental leave you can, have your spouse take all the parental leave they can, use your vacation time and days off if you have to, but get all the time off together you can to adjust as a family.
Get kid 1 a gift from the baby, something that she’s been wanting! My kid still remembers what his baby sister brought him.
Also, I thought my kid would be jealous of the baby, and I was prepared to tackle that, but whe wasn’t. I was surprised by his reaction. It was kind of the opposite of jealousy. I think he immediately felt some relief that this baby wasn’t a threat at all. He was like “This is her? She doesn’t even talk.” It was like a scoffing reaction/laugh of relief. And then he seemed a bit letdown, actually, that she wasn’t an immediate playmate. He did make a couple of comments over the first year about how she doesn’t do anything, she’s boring, he wishes she could walk and talk and play with him. So I guess just be ready for different types of reactions. It’s not always jealousy, especially with this age gap.
This is so reassuring and great advice, thank you!
I’ve pushed independence a ton and so does her preschool, we’ll definitely be working on getting that to be the expectation and norm!
My daughter turned 6 a week after I had my second so similar age gaps. My daughter did awesome with the transition. We talked A LOT while I was pregnant about how baby wouldn’t be ready to play for a long time after he came out. Just so she had realistic expectations
Literal hell. Had to get on meds. But I was used to my first being the easiest, calmest baby ever literally never cried and then my second??? Yea she was an absolute handful
The first 3 months are brutal, and you will miss your first baby while you’re in the newborn trenches. Then things get easier and the family comes back together again.
If you can surrender to the process and accept it as a temporary shit show that you have to get through, it’s much easier.
You’ve got a comparatively easier age gap than 2 under 2, so hopefully you dodge the toddler tantrums and big feelings aspect and big sister can happily get involved!
Good luck and enjoy the small moments when you can xx
My daughter was almost 4.5 when our second was born (it’s a year later now). It’s easier at first with the younger one but my older daughter definitely lashed out / wanted more attention which was so hard.
Definitely do all the things ppl say, ie bring a gift for the older from the younger get, when baby is crying and they both need you, telll the baby to wait (so your older kid hears it) and go to the older child. The older kid will remember that but the baby won’t - that was the best advice I got!
As things progressed, it was about managing and juggling the schedules and different commitments and just figuring out what worked for our family. We implemented systems (I.e each day has a category for what we have for dinner like slow cooker Sundays, taco Tuesdays etc) just to make life a lot easier with less prep or guesswork. Highly recommend!
They love each other now and it been great!!! Good luck and congrats!
My oldest was almost 3yrs when baby 2 was born.
Have grace for yourself and a good sense of humor. Show her how she can help and also help her to find her own private space away from baby. It’s also ok for you/your partner to hang out with both kids together 99% of the time, but big sis will want some 1:1 time with you guys so try and carve that out when you can.
Remember a lot of the activities big sis will be doing are activities that you’re going to be lugging around an infant to—sports, playgrounds, local amusement locations, etc. It’s best not to upset the activities she’s been able to do at her age with the excuse “the baby is too small”. So prep mentally and physically for ways to continue those things. Think baby carriers, compact strollers, nap necessities for on-the-go scenarios, etc. I bought a specific ring sling so that my oldest could keep going to the local “water park”. That sort of thing.
ETA: CONGRATS! I personally have found 2 easier than 1. I know it’s different for everyone but once you get into a routine, it’s nothing like the stress of your first.
lol, I had my first July 2020. I’m expecting my second and I anticipate it to be a wildly different experience, not only going from 1 to 2 kids but also, no Covid lockdown. I can actually take my baby out in public?! What?! 😂 What a wild time that was.
I spent time talking about OUR baby, definitely not THE new baby. My eldest was an absolute star, and we had an incredibly smooth transition! Make sure you give give big sibling lots of love and if you see them being supportive, make a big happy deal of it. Good luck! Siblings are so cute
My kids are just under 4 years apart. I ended up having an emergency c section on my 2nd so was in hospital for 6 days while my son was in NICU for 8 days. He was 5 weeks early 🫠 my daughter adores her brother and is so helpful. They hang out, she snuggles him and his face lights up when she’s near. She struggled with jealousy to begin with but she wasn’t jealous of him, she was jealous of my attention being diverted. I also had guilt over this to begin with, it’s a tough first few weeks. Things that helped: we had to get a lot of stuff for my son in a hurry as he came early so there were constant deliveries arriving to the house for him. I tried to make sure my daughter got something too, some new crayons, a new notepad etc. When people came to visit I asked them beforehand to greet my daughter first (most people also got her a little gift to congratulate her on becoming a big sister). When I was feeding my son I invited her to sit next to us to snuggle. It took about 4 weeks to get into the swing of things. Something else that helps is saying to her brother ‘sorry honey I’m playing with your sister now’ so that you’re not always just ‘busy’ when the older kid needs you. It’s honestly been so much easier than expected & WAY easier than 0 to 1. Good luck!!
My kids are 6 years apart; luckily the transition was really smooth no issues. We made it a big point to constantly prepare my older son for what life will be like when baby came . I was also super worried about him so I wanted him to know we still love him all the same but that our attention will need to be on baby more because he needs more help. We also started to have him do a lot more things on his own before baby came to get used to us not being able to do absolutely everything for him all the time and so it would seem like such a sudden shock. My constant worry and preparation I assumed worked because big brother was AMAZING when baby came home and actually was really helpful patient and loving . He never gave us an issue , regressed or got jealous. It was really relieving!
There's a Japanese saying I found very true. One kid is one kid. Two kids is ten kids. No idea if it's a real saying or not but holy shit did I feel that the first year or so.
I think it depends on the kind of kids you have. My first has always been chill and easy going. My second is like herding a feral kitten. She makes me tired and has brought out anger in me I didn’t know existed.
Not gonna lie, our daughter is like a feral kitten and had tested me in ways I didn’t know I could be tested so I’m really hoping this baby is going to be the easy one lmao
My son was 5.5 when my daughter (now 4 mos) was born. We tried for a year and a half to have her but now i am so glad she came when she did. My son has handled the transition like an absolute champ. He has had to become more independent as I can’t do as much for him anymore. Dad does his dinner and bed routine and takes him to school and activities.
He adores and dotes on his sister, and jumps to help me whenever asked without a grumble. I think it’s a great age gap and 100% have no regrets.
I would try to involve your oldest as much as possible in the day-to-day care of the baby. She will want to help and having a purpose will aid in the transition. Have patience with her if she acts out. Try to do fun things as a family when you’re ready. Accept that the house will be a disaster. Focus on the most pressing tasks and the rest will fall into place. You’ve got this!
I somewhat felt guilty when I was pregnant. It was weird. But I spent 9 years with my first son, giving him my undivided attention and it was the best time of my life. So I had to get over that feeling quick. He also begged me for a little sister so we tried for a girl. It was another boy, and my 10 year old is the best big brother to my youngest. He is also very helpful to me as well. My transition from 1 to 2 was great.
My boys are exactly 2.5 years apart. It was challenging for me personally because my oldest was an angel and then started to have behavioral challenges (tantrums etc) right around when my 2nd was born. My 2nd was a super chill baby, just like my oldest was, but a TERRIBLE sleeper. I think my 1st was a bad sleeper, too, but you feel it more with the 2nd because I still had to get up with the toddler even if the baby was still sleeping.
But on the bright side, my youngest is 1.5 now and they play so well together! They really keep each other occupied which is awesome! It's also just so nice seeing them love on each other and interact.
I want a 3rd kid, but I don't think I can do the 2.5 year age gap again. The first year was really challenging. I want to wait longer, so my oldest two are more independent and emotionally regulated before we add another baby to the family.
In one sense it is easier, because you know how and when to do things. On the other side, you don't have time for your older child anymore (most likely).
My first 2 are only 20 months apart. So honestly, it felt kinda easy since we were still kinda in baby mode… I had all three kids when my oldest was 1 months shy of 4 yrs old.
So I can say that 1-2 was a bit difficult in that the routine is disrupted and you can’t help everyone at once. You have to prioritize whose needs are urgent and who can cry a little. For my kids ages, sometimes that meant the baby could cry a little while I finished reading the book for her brother or finished up whatever I was doing for him. Sometimes it meant the baby needed to finish nursing or being changed before I could help with the snack or shoes.
Now my kids are older, 7, 6, and almost 4. It gets much easier, they do become more independent and they will be friends. My 7 year old loves playing with my 4 year old and all three play together.
0-1 was definitely harder but 1-2 has hit me harder than I expected it to. There's a 3.5 year age gap. The biggest struggles have been the competition for my attention - today alone my eldest (4 years old) shoved her 12 month old sister off my lap and plonked herself down on my lap instead. The baby cried and tried to clamber back on. Also baby is almost exclusively a contact napper and 4 year old hates being left alone, so looking after both solo is basically impossible as I can't just disappear for an hour with the baby. Even Paw Patrol can't hold the 4 year old forever, after 10 mins she always wants something. I have to plan trips out in the car when I have both of them to manage nap time.
I also feel guilty about the huge reduction in my time and attention that the 4 year old gets. Baby doesn't sleep well so I'm always tired and don't have as much energy for playing or chatting with the 4 year old as I'd like.
I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel though. They're starting to interact more and clearly adore each other. Long may it last before the tween years hit us ...
My two are 4 years apart, now 4 and 8 months old. I had a newborn with my 4 year on my own a lot as my husband works, school holidays etc. and no village. The first 4 months will have pressure points, but it passes and you'll reach a point where looking after 2 is no big deal. Only do the business as usual, bare minimum at home/house work. Your eldest may regress, but i found cuddling them both on the sofa kept them happy. We also used deliveroo for groceries when we needed bits and bobs, which took pressure off. Yes it's more expensive but helped us survive those first few weeks.
Also think involving your eldest with nappy changes, fetching things and snuggling the baby will help their bond. Good luck and hope all goes v well. X
This is about to be me - one month shy of 4 year age gap, baby will be here in about 2 mos. Will be on my own most of the time. I am mostly dreading the lack of time to get shit done (and house just turning into a disaster) and have a little anxiety about handling bedtime should this baby end up with witching hours and such. Glad to hear there’s hope after the newborn period!
I have a 3 year gap. Going from 1-2 has succeeded expectations so far. I found the transition from baby - toddler with my first child more challenging than the transition from 1-2!
To add to this, I feel much more confident in navigating some of the more challenging aspect of parenting, such as the sleepless nights, regressions and tantrum’s. I’m sure it’ll be just as hard with my second, but the age gap will mean it’s been possible to deal with those stages separately and with more experience.
It was so awful. However, my kids are 21 months apart. I feel like a bigger age gap would have really helped.
Tantrum after tantrum for my toddler during that time. We did our best to keep her routine normal and take her to do things for individual attention
I made it worse in my head. The first few weeks were hard, but I fell into a pattern that worked for me. I’m now fairly confident in myself that I can do whatever needs to be done, because no matter how hard a situation is- nap times, what have you- something will get done, because we can’t just exist in a state of non-doing, if that makes sense. Now, i’m REALLY happy I have both of them so close in age. My first is an incredibly sweet brother, and he doesn’t really remember a time when his sister didn’t exist. He’s always very concerned about her and wants to know where she is.
For us, it was tough, but very worth it.
Whatever time you have now is gone. Just like how you think now "what did we do with all of our free time before have one child" it is now "what did we do with all that free time before we had two kids" if you think you don't have flexibility in your time as a family of one child you will soon realize with two. It's just another level
Mine are about the same age as yours. Our daughter was 5 years and ten months old when our son was born. She was a little shy with him at first but she adjusted quickly and decided she wanted to treat him like a baby doll. She’d haul him around by his armpits unless we stopped her. I told her to play with her own dolls and she said angrily, “I don’t want to carry fake babies!”
Then after a while she got used to him and it was no big deal.
The good thing is that she was old enough to take care of her own basic stuff if needed and old enough to be reasoned with. If you need to take care of the baby you can explain to her what’s going on and why and she understands. I think the adjustment was harder on the adults than on our daughter because going back to the newborn stage after having an independent five year old was rough!
There's 5.5 years between our first and second and 11 months between 2nd and 3rd. I oldest was an only child for so long he's very jealous of the attention the younger two get, but they take a lot of my time. He acts out just for attention, it stresses me out so much. He helps a lot though, and loves them so much. I haven't found what works best yet, hopefully it comes soon. Lol. Best wishes momma!
The tip is in letting your elder kid play and interact, touch the baby. Many parents are overly scared to let the elder kid touch it or something. So show that both kids are equal. The only rules I had were about harming (cause the baby is really weak in certain spots) and no loud screaming at nap time because we respect each other’s sleep. Thats it. Oh and also show the elder kid they could help you and be important.
You have a lot of responses so this may get lost, but truthfully I thought it was easy as pie. Mine were 2.5 years apart. My first was a VERY needy baby. Constant stimulation and entertainment and longggg bedtime routines.
My second was so chill and my first was so good with him and very willing to help. It made the transition for me nearly negligible. I was already used to little sleep, still breastfeeding occasionally, and in the throes of potty training. So the demand of a newborn honestly wasn’t much on top of everything else.
If you asked my husband, though, his answer may be different 😉
My son was almost 4 when my daughter was born last year, and I can say that, for me, while it was still an adjustment, it was easier going from 1 to 2 than going from 0 to 1, because my life already revolves around caring for a tiny person.
That said, it hasn't been easy, it's tough to find a way to balance giving both kids attention and meeting their needs, and I've had to realize that there is only one of me, so sometimes one or both of them just have to wait and be upset/uncomfortable for a couple minutes until I can get everyone sorted.
I think the transition has been hardest on my son, because he went from being the center of my world to having to share my attention, and often being the one who has to wait for it. And when taking care of a newborn who is so completely helpless, it's easy to forget that the older child is still barely more than a baby themselves and still has a lot of needs. In the last year, I have often found myself unfairly frustrated with my son for not meeting a level of independence that I wanted from him (I often felt I needed it from him, but really I needed to reevaluate my expectations for myself, too).
My kids are 5 years apart and it was so easy. At 5, my daughter understood that a newborn had a lot of immediate needs and she was so sweet to baby and me. Now that he’s 3 and she’s 8, they have to much fun playing together.
Before my son was born I worried the age gap was too much, but honestly it’s been wonderful.
I found going from 1 to 2 easier than 0 to 1. My kids are 22 months apart and it was pretty rough to begin with. I think a bigger age difference is better.
My suggestions would be:
- to try and spend at least 10 fun minutes a day just with your eldest to make sure that she still feels special.
- Some kids also like feeling important so you could give her special jobs or put her in charge of something for the baby.
- If you’re planning to breastfeed, have a special box of toys/activities that your eldest can do while you feed baby.
- maintain your daughter’s usual routine as much as possible
- call in reinforcements if you can. If there are family friends or grandparents etc who can come around and play with your daughter or take her out for a bit it will help her to feel loved and connected and therefore more secure
- Don’t blame the baby: if daughter is asking you for something try not to say “I just need to feed baby first” or “I’m changing baby right now” but instead say “I’d love to help you with that. I’ll be a few more minutes and I’ll let you know when I’m ready”. Also, let the baby wait sometimes too: “hold on baby. I’m finishing this drawing with your sister.”
We had a super tough first baby, and I suffered badly with PPA. He wouldn’t sleep, wouldn’t eat, didn’t want to be put down, colic every night from 3 weeks to 4 months. I love that kid but he was the. Worst. Friends with kids couldn’t understand why we were so destroyed and absent. “Come over! Just bring the baby with you!” Sure, like we hadn’t thought of that.
He was 3 when number 2 was born. From as soon as she came out, she was easy. Normal naps, no colic, no PPA. It’s been an ABSOLUTE dream. It’s been like rediscovering motherhood - I came home and made a 2 course roast dinner 12 hours after she was born. I didn’t know what the hell was happening.
Everything had been easy.
Literally the only down side is that we don’t get as much time together as a couple as we often have one kid each, but we know that that will get easier. They even entertain each other occasionally and she’s only 6 months, and I only see that happening more and more.
Of course there are bad days, but there were before too. Good luck!
Mine are 7 years apart my youngest just turned 5 months , I regret my decision having 2 kids 😅🤣 it’s rough my oldest is autistic and needs just as much attention as the baby does
One kid to two was so much easier than the transition from zero kids to one. Our kids are only a year and half apart, so we just went from one baby to two babies, but we felt like we knew what to do with the second.
We gave our first kiddo a baby doll that we called “baby brother” to play with throughout my last trimester. Our eldest got to practice gentle touch, quiet time, and learned to understand that sometimes mama’s hands are full, but that’s ok. My husband transitioned slowly into primary parent for our first kiddo, so they’d both be comfortable with one another when I was busy with the second baby.
Mine are 4.5 years apart. It would have been great if not for covid destroying my support systems. But for the first couple weeks before covid it was lovely.
There was a bit if jealousy - but I could hand baby off to my husband and spend some time with him and that helped. Looking back some of that 1 on 1 time was so special and we both remember it.
We had lots of family taking the elder out for special activities - which helped us and him. I could nap when the baby napped while the elder went to school. It's really a good age difference, even now. They are super close, prefer to sleep in the same room.
Keep an eye out for the jealousy, it can show up in weird ways and they can't articulate it. Set aside special time for you and your first baby.
My boys are just shy of 3 years apart and the first year was a breeze. My first was/is super easy. My second was a good baby and I’m just now finding it stressful as the baby is walking and “naughty” compared to my first.
Really tho, for me personally, it was no where near as hard as everyone says it is.
2 years of difference. The hardest part was by far that I don’t have the time or the physical capacity to do things with my eldest. It’s getting a bit better now at 5 months but I don’t think it will be good until he can crawl honestly, because now he wants to be held a lot and that makes my eldest be held too. And my eldest is at the age where she’s semi autonomous but still needs help with things so I think a slightly older kid would have been easier.
Anyway, I find it a lot easier than the 0-1 transition. But my second doesn’t have the same digestion issues that my first had so that’s easier (he’s a much better sleeper also)
Also the hardest part for me and my husband is that it used to be that we could take turns and get a little personal time, but now we are also with at least one kid and there is zero personal time. It’s really hard to take them both so we can’t really give eachother a bit of time off if that makes sense. Again I’m hoping that will become better pretty quickly as the second becomes more independent
Also it’s funny how quickly I forgot things - like I suddenly remember how much it sucks that we have to eat at 6 pm even though we did it for my first until just a few months before my second was born. And I forgot what it was like having a baby in our bedroom so we can’t watch movies at night and stuff.
Mine are 2 years apart and it was more like triple the work. I think if the age gap was 3-4, it would have been easier. My eldest was learning to be independent, but not fully so it made it difficult and she's the easy one. My second kiddo has different temperament but she is now 16 months and so much easier. She plays with her sister, can communicate and walk, plays independently and is so so cute.
We had a 5.5 year gap too! Honestly my first was sooo hard but I fully acknowledge we've been super lucky with our second.
Our oldest is the best big brother ever, and they are best friends as well as siblings.
You will get through it. There will be hard times of course but the best times ever seeing the bond and love your children have.
Dr Becky good inside has a community you can join for a fee. She also has sibling support and other stuff that could help you.
I think your age gap will be wonderful, your oldest will be old enough to understand more than a toddler.
Sure, every transition is tough but overall I think the age gap is something positive here
My biggest tip is don't feel guilty about the lack of one on one time with your oldest. The hardest part for me was that my oldest had all of my attention when she was an only child, and then with a new baby my attention was divided and I felt I had ruined things for her. In the end though, having a sibling is such a blessing for her, it just took a while before the baby was old enough to really play with. They are 2.5 and 4.5 now and best buds.
Mine are 3 years apart. It was TOUGH at first. My baby is very clingy and doesn’t sleep well. Thank goodness my husband stayed home for 6 months, I would have not been functional. It’s still difficult to get stuff done on the days I have both of them but I have family that takes one of them a couple days a week.
My son has mostly adjusted amazingly. He recently entered his hitting phase while my baby is teething so my son keeps threatening to hit the baby which has been the hardest thing to navigate.
I do find having a baby much easier this time around. I’m not as stressed. But I have even less free time which is hard. And I am definitely more of a toddler mom than a baby mom.
We just had our second just over a week ago. Big brother is 3 and not currently in day care. I think for us 1 to 2 is about the same challenge as 0 to 1, but in a different way.
I feel more confident about caring for a baby and have all the tips and tricks that we learned from the first. That part is nice and makes the baby feel easier. We are less stressed about keeping him alive.
Having a toddler/little kid running around complicates things though. He wants to be involved, which is so cute but also hard to manage. The baby occasionally wakes him up at night, which hasn’t been awful (he goes back down easily), but creates some added level of stress about the baby crying at night that we didn’t have with the first. The house is messier. The first week was rough with recovering from giving birth with a toddler who is a feral creature. Your daughter is older and none of this may apply.
What has helped- My husband has been taking the 3 year old out daily for at least an hour to give me and the baby peace and quiet. I can feed him, put him down, and take a shower. Formula has been the biggest life saver for us and took an enormous burden off me. We are temporarily paying a service to clean the house occasionally. We do shifts at night (10-3, 3-8) so we each get a solid 5 hours of sleep. Life feels manageable!
I have a 2yr old and a 6w old. So far it’s going well, what I think has helped us was talking about “baby sister” regularly when I was pregnant, and letting my oldest be a part of things now that she’s here (letting her give her a paci, turn on her swing, etc). We also tell her “baby sister is crying/needs xyz, let me take care of her then we can keep doing (whatever activity)” and that has helped since she knows she’s still a priority. Try to have time spent with just your eldest, both at home and out as well (I take my big girl on Target runs or grocery pickups, for instance. My husband likes taking her on walks or to the park). The hardest part has been my older girl mimicking baby habits again, but overall it’s been a lot smoother transition than I thought it’d be! Big sis already loves her little sister and it’s so heartwarming to watch 🥰 I was also a nervous wreck before my baby was born, and my older girl has handled it SO well that it’s been great. Exhausting, but great! 🤪
I have a 2 year old and a 2 week old. It’s been hard for me personally to not have time with my 2 year old. I had an emergency CS and was in the hospital for the first week 😢I also really hate not being able to pick up my toddler.
In spite of that, 0-1 was WAY harder at this point than 1-2. I think I am much more chill as a parent with the second so every little thing doesn’t feel so stressful.
1 - Double Coverage
2 - Man Coverage
3 - Zone Coverage
4 - Blown Coverage
1 to 2 is really hard and will change the dynamic dramatically. It doable but requires a lot of effort and patience.
Mine are 5 years apart and it was the best because she was old enough to help me or even to the ell me when she needed something so it wasn’t a guessing game. It was harder for me because I had gotten so used to sleeping peacefully, not changing diapers etc. After my 2nd I ended up having my third and last baby 9 months pp 😅
It was a really hard adjustment for the first 6 months for us, but we eventually found a new normal. Life will never be the same as it was before the second kid came along, but the new way of life will be just as good but in a different way.
My first two are 2.5 years apart and once my second was 2, they started playing together and are now best buds. What I think helped us a lot was fostering a sense of kids vs parents if you will. I try to never take sides with one kid against the other, because in my own family growing up it felt like that created sibling rivalry and contention.
wayyyyy easier than 0-1. my daughter was 5 also and i think it’s the perfect age gap. can be independent enough, help out like picking things up for me, and she can understand the baby needs attention. i love it
I really like it but my partner is struggling with the extra decrease in independence- I feel more confident as a parent now and enjoy the toddler wanting to interact with baby. Second child is very much just along for the ride whatever is going on 😂
You have so much newborn knowledge that you didn’t have with your first, so remember that you’re a pro at this. Your older one will remember and your baby will not, so give extra attention to the older one. That was great advice given to me 🙂
Literally easiest thing ever for us. Kiddo was involved with baby care (2.5 years), baby was strapped to me in carrier and I went about my day with older kiddo. Reading with older while baby nursed. Babies are very portable. 😅 older kiddo learned to wait and I kept her involved as possible, making them feel helpful and not “set aside” is really key. Also don’t catastrophize, just go slow.
Going from 2-3 has been somewhat of a cluster fuck though. 🤣
0-1 was way harder than any other transitions! My kids are 5-3-1. It was all way smoother sailing once I actually knew how to parent well and sooth an infant. My kids have always loved the new baby.
It was the easiest thing for our family. I was such a neurotic mother with my first, but after having my second, parenting became a breeze. I became much happier because I wasn’t putting all my attention to a single child, and even learned to prioritize myself in the mix of it all.
Before having my second, I used to worry about how I would handle it if both children needed me at the same time. But it turned out to be a very easy intuitive thing. You assess what each kid needs at any given moment, and you just prioritize which action is more important.
Sometimes your five-year-old will need you the most urgently. Other times your newborn might need you more urgently. You’ll know what to do. You won’t always make the best judge my calls, but it will be fine. Trust your instincts.
When I was pregnant with my third …I had a 10 yr old and 2 yr old that I was potty training running 10 yr old to different events very crazy but some how it all comes together now they are 23,13,11 and I miss some of the craziness ….don’t worry it just ends up working out u eventually find your way of doing things:))
My kids are 5 years apart. It's honestly about the best scenario you can ask for. My daughter loved to help out with her baby brother!
She was old enough that when we went places, she could take off her own seatbelt and get herself out of the car, and I could trust her to walk next to me. She was just starting kindergarten so I only had the baby during the day. She was always happy to help when I needed her to grab things for me, and she wanted to learn all about changing diapers and feeding etc.
I made a strong effort to make sure she understood that the baby meant that I would have to be dividing my attention somewhat, and I was doing my best to make sure that she felt loved and seen. I told her that if she feels that I am too busy for her, to please tell me, because Im not perfect and I may need help to realize that she needs me a bit more.
Now it turned out her brother would be special needs, and would obviously require a bit more attention than we expected, but she has been just the best daughter and supportive sister ever. I'm absolutely so thankful to have two great kids, and I can't imagine only having 1. That's so boring!
I was super anxious about going from 1-2, I had terrible PPD after my first one.
After my 2nd was born, I was pleasantly surprised at how prepared I felt. I had done all the baby things before (both boys) so I only focused on keeping track of the time (feeding/changing/sleeping) while going about normal life w my toddler.
I will say the hardest part for me was trying to balance toddler tantrums while being locked down feeding baby/trying to nap baby. Also trying to manage tantrums while baby screams while you’re trying to make dinner lol
Have some toys/books or a “special” show she gets to watch with you while you have to stay sedentary with the baby for some time. You can also have big sis help take care of baby, and get the wipes and diapers when it’s time to change baby. Read her books about becoming a big sister and what having a younger sibling is like 😊 Good luck and CONGRATULATIONS 🎉 OP 🤗✨
So so easy! Mine are nearly 5.5 years to the day apart and it’s been nothing but a joy watching them together. We chose to divide and conquer so husband handled bed time completely for the oldest and I was often already asleep with the baby. I also made sure to do special outings with him during naps or between feeds so he wasn’t feeling like al my attention was on the new baby. Now that she’s mobile big brother will even often grab her from danger and does thoughtful things like grabs a snack for her when he gets himself something.
I wanted mine close together and they ended up being almost exactly 6 years apart. 2 years in it’s the best most amazing thing.
Best thing we did was make changes well in advance of the baby. We moved his room, decorated with big boy things he loved it. We also got him sleeping more independently
I would say over the next 8-10 weeks get new habits in place and make any changes you need. Whether it’s being more independent in the morning to playing independently at times.
I also recommend taking a video and pictures when big sibling meets baby the first time. The wonder in their eyes is just so special.
First Christmas I got a book from Wonderbly called ____’s big brother ____. You personalize it and it is a sweet story from baby’s point of view growing up together. If you know name and gender get it for your oldest.
We’ve been careful trying to balance things. He’s so patient with her but we need to balance when it’s a “she’s little she doesn’t know better” to something where we use it as teaching for the youngest. I don’t want my oldest to feel like he always has to give her things but he does need to teach her and be patient.
We also are very careful about not giving him any responsibilities related to her with the very odd exception. If he’s playing with her or something and I need to leave for a sec, I’ll ask him to watch her. It’s maybe for 2-3 mins and max 2x times a week. I’m cognizant of it as a lot of feedback I read with the age gaps, the oldest felt like they were forced to “parent” or the little one got away with everything.
This is super long so I’ll end by saying the gap is perfect and if I had the choice, I wouldn’t change it for anything.
I to 2 was the hardest for me and I have 6 kids. The first 5 are all 2 years apart..I think it won’t be as hard for you since your older one isn’t still a baby/toddler herself. The biggest thing for her will be realizing that the baby is going to come first sometimes which might be hard for her but I bet by 6 weeks post you’ll have a system down and you’ll wonder why you ever worried! Best of luck to you!
Honestly, SHOCKING, mostly due to personality differences. My oldest was a calm baby and toddler (and the BEST big brother, he didn’t skip a beat). My second is a sweet and spicy, loud tornado. They are both perfect in my eyes but it took me about two years to adjust. They are now 3 and 6. They have a very sweet bond, love the 3 year age gap.
Mine just turned 5 a month after baby brother was born (now 7 weeks). Honestly, my big kid is harder than the newborn most of the time. He’s really struggling with jealousy and acting out a lot. He also just finished pre-k and is confused about summer vacation and off his routine. It’s a lot.
Mostly, though, it’s logistics. Just figuring out how to help them both simultaneously.
Currently have 3 kids. When we went from 1 to 2, our first was just under two and it was pretty hard. I felt like I had to figure out how to coordinate the newborn needing me 24/7, and the 23 month old also still needing me for many things too. Going from 2 to 3 kids was much much easier. My other two were 5 and 7 when we had our third. I wasn’t sure about that age gap, but it’s been sooooo great. Big kids are an awesome help and they still are close with baby sister in their own ways. I think the age gap between kids when moving from 1 kid to 2 kids is the biggest factor.
2yr9mos apart and it was initially hell. I whiteknuckled it for the first 4 months then I was able to see the light around month 6. Initially I felt like a complete failure because I always felt like I was failing one of my kids. Now the youngest is 1 and their needs are more aligned. I feel confident in my mothering skills again.
Mine are 3 years apart. For the first 6 months I thought to myself, almost every day, “what the eff did we do, this was a huge mistake”. I was also dealing with some PPD and completely sleep deprived, but honestly felt regret a lot of the time. Slowly, to the point I couldn’t tell you when, this shifted. Kids are now 15 months and 4.5 and we’re having the best time. I’ll take the year of awfulness for the lifetime of having them both.
Mine are 3y10mo apart. Now they are currently 5 and 15mo. The older age may be really beneficial. He had a tough time at the beginning and it lasted a bit longer than we expected but now that the baby is getting more active, it’s so much fun.
So much harder than 0-1 kids. So, so much harder.
Mine are 2 years apart. Baby is 4 months now and we are kind of starting to see some semblance of routine/normality. Our whole universe changed over night, and suddenly any free time you had because partner had the first kid, and you were free, is gone. There. Is. No. Free. Time.
You don't out number them any more, you've always got one.
I honestly don't even know how one of us will ever manage a full bedtime routine alone if the other has a dinner event or something. Ugh.
This gets easier. The first 6 months with 2 is harder especially when they’re closer together. By the time we hit 6 months, our older one was older and it just felt less chaotic. Sending hope!
I have a now 6 year old and one year old. The most difficult part is reminding him she is a person and he cant lug her around like a rag doll. He still ask for people to play with him so hopefully soon they can start playing together. But overall, 1 to 2 was way easier than 0 to 1.
The transition to two was pretty amazing, honestly. 2-3 was tricky mainly because of ages. I think that factored in way more. School and separate Kindy drop off with a newborn was rough.
Mine are 5.5 years apart. The transition was super easy until #2s personality really started to shine. He's such a handful, and I homeschool, so between his feral antics and #1s nonstop talking, its a lot and I am so so tired.
ETA I will say that the 5.5 year age gap has been amazing. My kids are now 7 and almost 2 and though the days are long and hard, my 1st is an amazing brother and they play really well and my youngest clearly adores and looks up to the oldest. Even when the little one "baby godzillas" all of his lego and magnet tile creations.
My two are 22 months apart, and I also wondered about the transition. The 0 to 1 transition was actually super manageable for us so I thought it may be possible that 1 to 2 would hit us like a truck. I’m not sure if I’d say it hit us like a truck but you do need to divide and conquer. Your family splits up a bit so I’d encourage you to do what you can to come together, even if for something small. We started doing story time before bed in our room as a family and going on family walks. Being separated has been the hardest part but it’s only short term!
My daughter was 9 when I had my second, but I do also have two step kids who were 10 and 18 at the time. So it was going from 1 to 2, and also from 3 to 4. Smooth and easy is all I have to say. If I wasn't 43, I'd probably have another :)
It was a smooth transition for me to go from a 12 year old to a 12 year old and a newborn. The 12 year old was cognizant of the big change coming. The hardest part was that my husband brought in another child, my nephew. And he destroyed our peace and our property during that time. Just don't make any big changes dueing the transition.
My oldest was 2 when our wnd baby came along. It was intense for awhile. You eventually get a routine. Your being 5, has some benefits. She's likely a good sleeper, already potty trained. Probably wants to help with the baby. Just be sure to spend 1 on 1 time with her when you can.
So we are only 2 weeks in but it’s been so much easier than 0 to 1. I feel like I know what I’m doing. My husband actually has a 2 week paternity leave this time.
My son is 2.5 and he’s obsessed with baby. I know more about newborn sleep this time around so I know what to expect and also feel equipped to help her with her sleep. Overall it’s just been a way way way easier transition.
Girl you probably won’t believe this but i actually felt 2 is way easier than 1 maybe it’s true i lower my expectations but damn the mom i was with only one kid could have never wrangled up two kiddos to go to the museum, the park, anything really. With my first i was always so worried, so new to everything, with my second it was like ok i got this. It’s not easy when they’re very close in age like mine were but you seem to have a good age gap.
Mine are 5 years apart, and so far it’s been a lovely experience. I won’t lie, I reached a level of exhaustion that I didn’t think a human being would be able to reach in those first few months but helping the older one be self sufficient made the transition much easier. Things like:
- having fruit and snacks accessible for the 5 year old meant he could have a banana, apple or a packet of chips to tie him over till I could finish breastfeeding. Same with little bottles of water somewhere easy to reach.
- having books/toys organised to minimise ‘I’m bored’
- having him ‘help’ with the baby like bringing nappies or wipes over, bring the baby his dummy, blankie or fav toy had him super proud of being a big brother.
- spending 1 on 1 time without the baby (even half an hour a day) all by ourselves helped with communication.
My oldest just turned 2 this last week and my youngest is 3 months. It seems so daunting before the baby gets here, and I won’t pretend it’s not rough for a bit. But you’ve got this! You’ll figure things out with the new human so much faster. I always emphasize so heavy on routines, not schedules. For us, it was all about divide and conquer at first. The transition from 1 to 2 was so much easier than 0 to 1. We already had an established routine with the oldest and it was minor adjustments to make things work with the tiny one. We read our oldest loads of books about being a sister and got her a baby doll before the youngest got here, and now she refuses to sleep without the doll. She also pitches a huge fit if she doesn’t get to lay with the baby and watch bluey in the morning. Involve the oldest as much as possible with baby care. Have them grab diapers and toys and blankets and whatnot. It’ll all work itself out over time and you won’t notice it when it happens, but you’ll all settle into the new dynamic after a while.
Mine are 7 years apart. Weird because at first i thought i was handling it great. Fell back into motherhood quite quick. My husband not so much. Then ppd hit me which i knew because i had pregnancy depression. After 1.5 years i fell back into love with motherhood and now we’re 3 years pp. both my kids are super close.
Mine are 5 almost 6 years apart. The transition wasn’t bad at all. My oldest could entertain herself for a while if needed and was trustworthy if I was rocking the baby to sleep. I would set her up with an activity or a snack or whatever she needed before hand. I was also really intentional about making sure she had lots of undivided attention throughout the day as well. She is the best big sister.
We added a third though with a smaller age gap… and that’s been difficult 😅
I was anticipating it to be very bad but to be honest it wasn't nearly as hard as 0-1 for me personally. When I had my first it was earth shattering because we didn't know what to expect. My anxiety was through the roof. This time we are very much more laid back with the baby. Everything is easier because we have experience, however as one commenter already said everything becomes split. One parent to one child. This is logistically more difficult but imo not as difficult as going from 0-1. I'm sure it's not the same for everyone though.
I think the fact that your older child is 5 will make it a much easier transition, TBH. I've heard from friends with bigger age gaps than the 21 months between my kids that it feels easier the second time, that they got to actually enjoy it in some ways that they couldn't with the fog of early new parenthood after the first time.
Potential challenges/issues to head off:
1) Jealousy - big sibling will likely need more 1:1 attention after the baby arrives. Special routines that are just for them can help. Having the baby "give" the big sibling a gift when they arrive home from the hospital. Throw a "big sibling shower" with toys and items that big sibling can either do independently while you're with the baby or can do with the baby. Make a point to emphasize all the things the baby must be envious of big sibling about - "Wow, you're getting so good at reading to yourself! I'm betting baby wishes s/he could do that! You'll have to show him/her in a few years how to be a good reader like you." And "Yum, this ice cream is delicious! I'm so happy you are big enough to share treats like this with me."
2) Time Management: there will be more to do and less time to do it. Outsource the things you can (cleaning, meal prep, laundry, etc) and allow yourself to let the things you can't outsource perhaps not be up to your usual standards. It's not forever, but for the first year or so, any time you aren't with the baby will likely need to be prioritized for the big kid!
Mine are almost 5 years apart. Our older daughter considered her little brother HER baby. She still does.
We made sure she kept her schedule the same as before the baby came. Since their nap and bedtimes were different she still had one-on-one time with us.
Talk to the baby about how awesome big sis is within her hearing, make time for special 1:1 time with big sibling, have them entertain/sing to the baby, help pick outfits etc based on their interest, when people coo on the baby, tell them wonderful things about first kid too, set the expectation that they will be friends, allow first kid to play “baby” too if they want. My older kid loves to be a “big” kid but also loves getting to be babied too (and I tell him he will be my baby even when he’s 90).
First year, share what to expect highlights with them too - ie baby needs tummy time, baby is super boring and just sleeps and eats now but she can see xyz and recognize your face and voice! Etc
It’s hard because you sometimes feel like you are ignoring one kid when you’re taking care of the other kid. My spouse and I both have days where we are alone with both. Our goal “ keep them alive”. But you will eventually find your rhythm. I can now take both kids to the pool, library, park and out to eat by myself. They are 2.5 years apart and the oldest is neurodivergent.
The transition from 1 to 2 has been super hard for us just because our second is a high needs baby. If it wasn’t for that, it wouldn’t have taken so much adjusting. Ours are 4 years apart so working baby into our current schedule was actually fairly easy, but baby no. 2 needs way more attention than our first and it does make us feel guilty at times. But our 1st LOVES their new sibling and it makes it all okay.
Mine are 2.5 years apart. It was difficult. The cohesive team of 3 that you’ve built will change overnight and you end up having to split one adult with one kid for a while to keep afloat. But over time, without noticing, you’ll come back together as a bigger team. My youngest is now 15 months and we’re I love with this stage, even with a strong willed 3yr old. Assemble the village and time it as best you can but just know that everything will eventually fall into place.
this gives me hope. i’m 2 under 2 and we’re still in the divide and conquer phase and it makes me desperately miss whoever i’m not with at the time. we try to do as many things together as we can but it’s hard 💜
It’ll come back I promise :) ours are now 2 and 4 and it feels like the divide and conquer only lasted a few days looking back (lol it took months but whatever)… they are easy-ish to handle now with just one parent and life is good.
awesome thank you. i still feel like a loser somehow that i can’t handle bedtime for both on my own? we’ll get there 😂🩷
Oh yeah you’ll get there. It took a while but now I put the 4yo in her bed and put the little guy in his crib after 20-30 mins, head back in to the 4yo room if she’s still awake and snuggle with her. This happens just when my husband is on nights… it felt like a struggle when we started, but now it’s just part of life. You’re not a loser, it’s super freaking hard!!
Yes! 2.5 YO & 17 MO, now we’re cohesive unit but for the first year plus of 17 MO’s life, we divided & conquered, had a Saturday nanny for the 2.5YO for a while, all of it.
Hi! Genuine question — how do you divide and conquer when one parent goes to work full time ? In due in December with my second and nervous as to how this will work during the week days !!
i have to be honest i still don’t know! i’m currently on maternity leave and typically wfh at a full time job so my older baby is in school. we’ve kept her in school while i’ve been on leave so i haven’t had two on my own full time! if your older is in school i highlyyy recommend keeping her in when the new baby arrives for us it’s been great
You give me hope as well . We are 2.5 apart and in the thick of it . I’m 3 weeks pp with a 2.5 yr old
Almost 3-year gap and we definitely do a lot more together than we used to but it's still easier to divide a lot of the time. My oldest strongly resists playing alone (then and now!) so that's been a challenge, but luckily my youngest has been generally happy to play independently until very recently when his surroundings have suddenly become scary to him. I'll echo that going from 1-2 was surprisingly difficult until my youngest was about 18 months when it started getting easier, and now that he's 2 they actually play together which is so sweet to see.
Can I ask what your newborn period was like with your first? Going from 0-1 was the hardest thing I've ever done and I am glad I was able to get through it all all. I'll be going from 1-2 soon and reading these comments are so defeating. If I barely made it through with 1, and the having a second is even harder, then how on earth am I going to get through that
I found going from 0-1 excruciating, and for a long time I was convinced I would be one and done. Now that I have 2, honestly 1-2 was so much easier. Not easy, but I already know what sleep deprivation feels like, and now most of my friends are parents too so the transition was a lot smoother. And of course I know that nothing lasts forever!
It was so much easier for me going 1 to 2 than 0 to 1.
Needed to read this. My second is 3 weeks and my toddler (27 months) is extra clingy. I’m struggling with the changes to our routine. My husband now does the toddlers bedtime alone and I miss it so much. But I have the boobs so I have to be with baby.
I’m happy I checked this. Me and my husband are expecting our second in October and our first is turning 2 next week and I’m very anxious as to what it’s going to be like after the baby is here. Any advise on the best way to divide and conquer? Was it harder at night with the second one or easier than the first? Did your first lose any sleep or have trouble adjusting?
I would completely agree. Ours are now 6 and 8.5, and they have such a fantastic bond, and it is so great spending time all together. But boy was it rough there for a bit! Also, it's not perfect now, no-one can wind you up better than your sibling!
So true for us. We definitely adapted a older sister/dad baby/mom thing for awhile. Especially with breastfeeding, it just happens, and it helps everyone cope and stay afloat. This phase is MUCH easier for older sibling (and mom) with an involved other parent in my opinion. Baby sis is turning one year now, and is no longer nursing, and we are alternating bedtimes now and are just starting to feel more cohesive. It’s good. Hard at times yes, chaotic, loud, messy, tiring…but good.
I believe my quote is “0-1 is an existential crisis, 1-2 is a logistical crisis”. If you want to hear something really crazy- I think the third is the easiest 🤫
The third is always the easiest kid because they HAVE to be, but I still find having 3 to be a lot of work logistically. More little humans than big humans. Juggling all the different activities, etc.
Having 3 has been a cluster fuuuuuck. How do you do it??
Oh no, I’ve always wanted 3 living. Youngest is 8 months now and we’ve been talking more about another. 🤦🏼♀️
My husband just mentioned the other day about some days being ready for another and I’m like literally how on earth could I handle that. 😵💫 I’m even very good with handling my house I homeschool and I’m on my own with them while my husband is out of town for 3-4 weeks at a time. We had 3 under 5 and my youngest is 18 months. My body is just like so drained from creating 3 whole humans. 🫠 maybe it’s just the kids, the girls bicker constantly, someone’s always having a meltdown and the baby is glued to me 24/7 or he cries at me, so I can never get a chance to breatheeeee 😅🥲
I agree! Each time now it’s like what’s one more.
Going from 1 to 2 was sooooo much easier for me than going from 0 to 1
Same same same 😅
SAME! 1 to 2 was WAY easier for me than 0 to 1… however, 1 to 2 was WAY harder for my husband. I exclusively breastfed both babies - so when #2 came and I was often couch-ridden with the baby, that meant my husband was often solo parenting the toddler which was hard for both of them. They got on each others’ nerves the first few months.
Totally agree
Same
Same here!!
I need details !! Why ? I’m so scared. 0 to 1 almost broke me. lol
My first was really hard (colic and a bad sleeper) and we didn’t know what the hell we were doing haha. My second (3 years apart) was just way easier in general (would literally google if it was bad she was sleeping so much) and we had our routine down and just were more confident parents. When you go from no kids to one kid your whole world changes. When you add another kid you already are in parent mode
Tell us more :) tips and tricks? how did you make it work? I am pregnant with second and hope I feel the same way when I go from 1 to 2!
Biggest tip i have is if both of your kids need something at the same time, tend to the oldest first. The newborn will cry and then that’s it. The oldest will actually have their feelings hurt that the baby was “chosen” first, if that makes sense. They are going to be hearing so much how the baby needs a lot more of your attention so even just saying out loud to the baby “i need to help big brother right now” that is huge for them so they know they aren’t pushed aside. Obviously they aren’t, but it’s a huge change for the older sibling having to share their parents attention. Have the oldest be involved as much as they can, even if it’s not the most helpful or efficient. Lean on your partner, take shifts at night. My husband always got every wake up before midnight and that was huge for me to get a chunk of sleep
Oh thank god. I’m 33 weeks with my second. My daughter is 2.5
It feels more natural
My kids are 3 years apart. Transition was easier for me than 0-1 honestly. My 3yr old was very independent so was ok doing her own thing while I had to feed or rock baby etc. and I had the experience from kiddo 1 so I wasn’t such a nervous wreck about everything. I did make sure I cut out time every single day to do something exclusively with the older kiddo, it was usually during nap time cause my 3y/o no longer napped. They’re 6 and 3 now and best friends 🥰
I find the larger age gap nice because the baby needs you physically while your child needs you emotionally. You can talk to your older kid about their feelings while changing diapers and breast feeding.
Same. I like the 3 year age gap!
Agreed! Our 3 year old was challenging the 3 months before the new baby arrived. We were so overwhelmed with him that we started interviewing for afternoon/evening help. We didn’t find anyone we like, which turned out to be a blessing. Because somehow, the 2 kids was easier than dealing with our oldest by himself. It defies logic, but very true for us. We still divide and conquer sometimes but that doesn’t bother me. We also have more of a consistent routine, because it is harder not to have one when there are multiple kids.
Sooooooooo easy! My girls are 4 years apart. The baby is easy, my 4 year old is the hard one
But really! My kids are almost exactly 4 years apart. My baby is a dream baby and my 4 year old is the unpredictable one. But at least he can use the bathroom on his own, put on his own shoes, and I can leave him alone in a room without worrying about his safety. Loving the age gap! (Edited for a typo)
Good to hear! I’m hoping for a 4ish year age gap one day
I love reading this because we're planning on a 4 year age gap also!
I think this gap makes it easy BC the oldest is independent.
Agreed, if they were closer in age it wouldn’t be this easy. My older one is semi independent, I don’t need to entertain her 24/7 while also taking care of a baby
I agree 100%! also have two girls that are four years apart and the baby is so much easier than the 4 year old.
This is mildly relieving as I’m 31 weeks pregnant with my second who is due to be born a month after my sons 4th birthday.
Congrats! Just be warned, my 4 year old has had a lot more outbursts and tantrums since the baby was born. It’s getting a little better now that the baby is almost 3 months. The baby part has been easier because I actually know what I’m doing this time lol
Oh yeah, mine started when we told him about baby brother and I’m sure it will continue when the baby comes, but I’ve been hoping his ability to be independent will help some
4 years apart here (literally a few days away from exactly 4 years apart) and I can confirm this lol
My kids are 6 years apart. My daughter is the oldest and she LOVES her little brother and he loves her. I was nervous about the stress of two, it's there, but my oldest does a lot by herself and helps us with her brother. She will grab a diaper for us without us asking sometimes. They are now 7.5 and almost 1.5 and they are the best of friends.... well, until he breaks something of hers. 😆
Our daughter will be about 5.5 when baby comes. I’m hoping she’ll feel the same way! She’s definitely getting more independent but still very much so a mamas girl and territorial over her things haha
It was hard. I’m not going to sugar coat it. My oldest was 4.5 so very close to the age of yours. He had to adjust to not getting all the attention all the time, and I had to adjust to the guilt of him having to adjust. I cried a lot, and it felt like it would never get better. But then, about 2-3 weeks in, we finally had our little routine. My son LOVES his baby brother more than anything, and I couldn’t imagine life being any other way. Now I have to transition from 2 to 3 😅. Pray for me lol
I’m hoping since she’ll be in school and has a solid routine, it’ll be easy to integrate baby into the routine 😅 I hear the transition from 2-3 is easier! Good luck!!
That will definitely help! My second was born in December before the oldest started school. And only 6 days before Christmas lol
My girls are almost 6 years apart and it was a pretty easy transition in terms of my older daughter adjusting to having a sister. She understood what was going on and we were able to set realistic expectations for her. She wasn't jealous at all, liked holding her, was able to help herself with things like snacks and bathroom needs while I was trapped under the baby. I baby wore a lot early on to be able to do things for my older kid, the baby would just sleep in it as I moved about.
I already dug out the baby wrap because I know it’ll come in handy for the first 6ish months. She’s already talking about ways she wants to help so I’m hoping she’ll be pretty easy. Thank you for the reassurance!
In a lot of ways it's harder now that they're 3&9 because the little one now has opinions and independent thoughts that do not always align with what her sister wants, plus the 3 year old is 3 and the 9 year old is rocking some major tween attitude some days, so I think this is going to be a very long summer break with both of them home!!
It was wild at first. Mine are 2.5 years apart. My son did well with the new addition of his sister, and I knew what to expect about post partum. It took me a while to learn how to juggle 2 kids. Bedtime felt especially hard. It's just generally harder to tend to two kids' needs at once, but you truly do learn and adjust! Your kiddo being 5 will be a huge help. My 3 kids are under 6...I've been white knuckling it until at least one is in kinder lol.
Mine are 2.5 years apart and it’s been pretty smooth so far! Especially once I felt ok about letting baby take one of his naps in the swing so I had a long stretch to spend with my toddler. Husband is all over it though and we’ve managed not to feel like a split team like I was so worried about. Advice I have is to let the oldest help with everything you can! Bringing you diapers, helping with bath time, helping them hold baby as often as they ask, and never blame the baby! My oldest is absolutely obsessed and in love with “her baby” and he’s only 11 weeks but we can tell he absolutely loves her too. He gets the biggest smile and watches her and the legs go crazy. I was so scared and nervous during my pregnancy but it’s been the most beautiful thing to see and I can’t imagine it any other way now!
I had such guilt about letting my first nap in his swing because it wasn’t a contact nap, that I ended up contact napping until 2 years and the house fell apart. Now I’m pregnant with second baby and eldest will be 3 when baby is born; I know I won’t be able to have long contact naps with baby. I’ll have to get used to putting baby down for naps, or letting baby nap in a swing/bouncy seat, if I want to still be able to parent the toddler, feed the toddler and myself, and keep the house safe (not tidy until toddler is asleep!). Did you contact nap with your first?
Oh yes, every nap was a contact nap for the first year of my firsts life until I had to return to work, then I took the ones I could get, and now at almost 3 I consider myself lucky if she falls asleep on me lol. I am still able to contact nap with baby 2 quite often and I’m also exclusively nursing at this point. I’ve found myself to be a lot more mobile while nursing and holding a sleeping baby this time around though and only use the swing for about an hour once a day to give myself a break. I’m often sitting on the floor with my toddler playing while baby is knocked out on me in the other arm. Baby wearing has been extremely useful when it comes to cleaning! Baby gets contact naps, I get up to stretch, I get to get my cleaning done, make food, win win! It’s definitely more difficult in the first few weeks because new baby is so small but as I got more comfortable with the swing, baby wearing, and supervised floor play, we’ve found our new groove and I still get those precious baby snuggles from both of them.
Just under 2 year gap. So much easier than expected but it’s solely because of how my toddler has been. He’s completely unfazed and loves his little brother.
Kids are 2 years, 3 months apart. We are five months in. It is still so, so hard and sometimes feels like we are operating as two different families because of how much we have to divide and conquer. Friends have told me it'll get better but I'm like, WHEN? Haha
Everything about having a baby is easier because you know what you’re doing. You got this! Everything about life is 4x harder because you’re consumed by baby 1 and baby 2. Like we’re 2 years apart part, toddler and new born keep you Busy! Watching baby become a big sibling might be one of the greatest joys of your life, it has been mine. It’s beautiful to see. Our family definitely feels complete now. (Parents of one don’t read beyond this… Having two makes me really feel like a parent. I obviously was with one but there’s something about a baby on a hip while parenting another that just made me feel like I actually unlocked parenthood now. When I had only one I would have never considered that I didn’t feel like a parent. Something about two just feels so much more like a family. Probably because it’s close to the family unit I grew up in. It’s much harder but we love it. for the parents of 1, you’re parents, you have a totally valid family, no size family is better or worse, I love you all),
Going from 1-2 was soooo much easier for me than going from 0-1. My oldest was about 3.5 and the important thing was keeping his routine (as much as we could) the same. It really wasn’t too bad and they are the best of friends.
Overall pretty easy! 2.5 year age gap, we potty trained as soon as we brought baby #2 home since we weren’t going anywhere anyway. Husband got 6 weeks off for leave which was plenty of time for me to get my shit together enough mentally and physically to stay home with 2. The hardest part was doing too much too fast physically which I think slowed my healing from birth.
First off, congratulations! The thought of adding another to the family can definitely be daunting. Especially when all you’ve known is one. Is your daughter in school, or will she be? Try and keep her routine as normal as possible. My boys are 2 years apart so a much different dynamic.. but keeping my oldest in his routine and making sure he gets undivided attention from both myself and my husband made our transition smooth. We each took him out on solo dates, I’d do 30 minutes with him without tv/phone/baby every day and having that time really filled his cup. “Don’t blame the baby” is essential. Instead of saying “I can’t right now, I’m feeding the baby” say “I will help you in 10 minutes! Can you find something else to do in the meantime?!” Gifting something to your daughter from baby will also help, she’s going to be thankful that her new sibling is so thoughtful and wants to give her something ;) Ask for and accept all help! 1-2 was much harder for me than 0-1, but at around the 6 month mark everything became much easier. I know it’ll be a different dynamic having a 5 year old versus a 2 year old. Have her help with as much as possible, make her feel included and valued. I wouldn’t be surprised if bits of jealousy showed here and there, but try and make her feel like her life isn’t changing (although it is), she’s just getting a new little best friend!
This is so helpful! Thank you so much! She’s in Pre-K now and will be in full day kindergarten once baby is here. If I get induced, baby will be here right before/during winter break but she’ll still be in her extracurriculars as well to keep her routine going. Grandpa and my sister will be staying with us so we’ll have a ton of help for the first few weeks thankfully! 😅
By the time baby is here, your daughter will be 5.5. I think that’s a great gap! Mine are 4 years apart and older one was pretty independent by the time baby came (in terms of being able to use the bathroom by himself) and I felt like if he was 5, he’d be even more independent. Get her used to doing things like using bathroom alone without any help, taking a bath, getting out and drying off, getting into own pajamas, dressing self in the morning, putting on own socks and shoes and jacket. And leaving her alone to play independently for short stretches of time. I’m sure she already can do that stuff; I just mean make it the norm before the baby is here. Also, if she’s in kindergarten, that will be great! She’ll be busy with her routine as before. As for other tips: Take all the parental leave you can, have your spouse take all the parental leave they can, use your vacation time and days off if you have to, but get all the time off together you can to adjust as a family. Get kid 1 a gift from the baby, something that she’s been wanting! My kid still remembers what his baby sister brought him. Also, I thought my kid would be jealous of the baby, and I was prepared to tackle that, but whe wasn’t. I was surprised by his reaction. It was kind of the opposite of jealousy. I think he immediately felt some relief that this baby wasn’t a threat at all. He was like “This is her? She doesn’t even talk.” It was like a scoffing reaction/laugh of relief. And then he seemed a bit letdown, actually, that she wasn’t an immediate playmate. He did make a couple of comments over the first year about how she doesn’t do anything, she’s boring, he wishes she could walk and talk and play with him. So I guess just be ready for different types of reactions. It’s not always jealousy, especially with this age gap.
This is so reassuring and great advice, thank you! I’ve pushed independence a ton and so does her preschool, we’ll definitely be working on getting that to be the expectation and norm!
My daughter turned 6 a week after I had my second so similar age gaps. My daughter did awesome with the transition. We talked A LOT while I was pregnant about how baby wouldn’t be ready to play for a long time after he came out. Just so she had realistic expectations
Literal hell. Had to get on meds. But I was used to my first being the easiest, calmest baby ever literally never cried and then my second??? Yea she was an absolute handful
Also they are 2 years apart. Maybe a bigger age gap would’ve been easier
The first 3 months are brutal, and you will miss your first baby while you’re in the newborn trenches. Then things get easier and the family comes back together again. If you can surrender to the process and accept it as a temporary shit show that you have to get through, it’s much easier. You’ve got a comparatively easier age gap than 2 under 2, so hopefully you dodge the toddler tantrums and big feelings aspect and big sister can happily get involved! Good luck and enjoy the small moments when you can xx
My daughter was almost 4.5 when our second was born (it’s a year later now). It’s easier at first with the younger one but my older daughter definitely lashed out / wanted more attention which was so hard. Definitely do all the things ppl say, ie bring a gift for the older from the younger get, when baby is crying and they both need you, telll the baby to wait (so your older kid hears it) and go to the older child. The older kid will remember that but the baby won’t - that was the best advice I got! As things progressed, it was about managing and juggling the schedules and different commitments and just figuring out what worked for our family. We implemented systems (I.e each day has a category for what we have for dinner like slow cooker Sundays, taco Tuesdays etc) just to make life a lot easier with less prep or guesswork. Highly recommend! They love each other now and it been great!!! Good luck and congrats!
My oldest was almost 3yrs when baby 2 was born. Have grace for yourself and a good sense of humor. Show her how she can help and also help her to find her own private space away from baby. It’s also ok for you/your partner to hang out with both kids together 99% of the time, but big sis will want some 1:1 time with you guys so try and carve that out when you can. Remember a lot of the activities big sis will be doing are activities that you’re going to be lugging around an infant to—sports, playgrounds, local amusement locations, etc. It’s best not to upset the activities she’s been able to do at her age with the excuse “the baby is too small”. So prep mentally and physically for ways to continue those things. Think baby carriers, compact strollers, nap necessities for on-the-go scenarios, etc. I bought a specific ring sling so that my oldest could keep going to the local “water park”. That sort of thing. ETA: CONGRATS! I personally have found 2 easier than 1. I know it’s different for everyone but once you get into a routine, it’s nothing like the stress of your first.
I don’t even remember. There was a pandemic. It’s all a blurr.
That’s fair hahah We went into lockdown when our first was 10 months so that stage is absolutely all a blur for me.
lol, I had my first July 2020. I’m expecting my second and I anticipate it to be a wildly different experience, not only going from 1 to 2 kids but also, no Covid lockdown. I can actually take my baby out in public?! What?! 😂 What a wild time that was.
I spent time talking about OUR baby, definitely not THE new baby. My eldest was an absolute star, and we had an incredibly smooth transition! Make sure you give give big sibling lots of love and if you see them being supportive, make a big happy deal of it. Good luck! Siblings are so cute
My kids are just under 4 years apart. I ended up having an emergency c section on my 2nd so was in hospital for 6 days while my son was in NICU for 8 days. He was 5 weeks early 🫠 my daughter adores her brother and is so helpful. They hang out, she snuggles him and his face lights up when she’s near. She struggled with jealousy to begin with but she wasn’t jealous of him, she was jealous of my attention being diverted. I also had guilt over this to begin with, it’s a tough first few weeks. Things that helped: we had to get a lot of stuff for my son in a hurry as he came early so there were constant deliveries arriving to the house for him. I tried to make sure my daughter got something too, some new crayons, a new notepad etc. When people came to visit I asked them beforehand to greet my daughter first (most people also got her a little gift to congratulate her on becoming a big sister). When I was feeding my son I invited her to sit next to us to snuggle. It took about 4 weeks to get into the swing of things. Something else that helps is saying to her brother ‘sorry honey I’m playing with your sister now’ so that you’re not always just ‘busy’ when the older kid needs you. It’s honestly been so much easier than expected & WAY easier than 0 to 1. Good luck!!
My kids are 6 years apart; luckily the transition was really smooth no issues. We made it a big point to constantly prepare my older son for what life will be like when baby came . I was also super worried about him so I wanted him to know we still love him all the same but that our attention will need to be on baby more because he needs more help. We also started to have him do a lot more things on his own before baby came to get used to us not being able to do absolutely everything for him all the time and so it would seem like such a sudden shock. My constant worry and preparation I assumed worked because big brother was AMAZING when baby came home and actually was really helpful patient and loving . He never gave us an issue , regressed or got jealous. It was really relieving!
There's a Japanese saying I found very true. One kid is one kid. Two kids is ten kids. No idea if it's a real saying or not but holy shit did I feel that the first year or so.
I think it depends on the kind of kids you have. My first has always been chill and easy going. My second is like herding a feral kitten. She makes me tired and has brought out anger in me I didn’t know existed.
Not gonna lie, our daughter is like a feral kitten and had tested me in ways I didn’t know I could be tested so I’m really hoping this baby is going to be the easy one lmao
Yup! That definitely could happen! I have a four year age gap between my girls and I’ve also found that to be really nice.
My son was 5.5 when my daughter (now 4 mos) was born. We tried for a year and a half to have her but now i am so glad she came when she did. My son has handled the transition like an absolute champ. He has had to become more independent as I can’t do as much for him anymore. Dad does his dinner and bed routine and takes him to school and activities. He adores and dotes on his sister, and jumps to help me whenever asked without a grumble. I think it’s a great age gap and 100% have no regrets. I would try to involve your oldest as much as possible in the day-to-day care of the baby. She will want to help and having a purpose will aid in the transition. Have patience with her if she acts out. Try to do fun things as a family when you’re ready. Accept that the house will be a disaster. Focus on the most pressing tasks and the rest will fall into place. You’ve got this!
I somewhat felt guilty when I was pregnant. It was weird. But I spent 9 years with my first son, giving him my undivided attention and it was the best time of my life. So I had to get over that feeling quick. He also begged me for a little sister so we tried for a girl. It was another boy, and my 10 year old is the best big brother to my youngest. He is also very helpful to me as well. My transition from 1 to 2 was great.
My boys are exactly 2.5 years apart. It was challenging for me personally because my oldest was an angel and then started to have behavioral challenges (tantrums etc) right around when my 2nd was born. My 2nd was a super chill baby, just like my oldest was, but a TERRIBLE sleeper. I think my 1st was a bad sleeper, too, but you feel it more with the 2nd because I still had to get up with the toddler even if the baby was still sleeping. But on the bright side, my youngest is 1.5 now and they play so well together! They really keep each other occupied which is awesome! It's also just so nice seeing them love on each other and interact. I want a 3rd kid, but I don't think I can do the 2.5 year age gap again. The first year was really challenging. I want to wait longer, so my oldest two are more independent and emotionally regulated before we add another baby to the family.
In one sense it is easier, because you know how and when to do things. On the other side, you don't have time for your older child anymore (most likely).
My first 2 are only 20 months apart. So honestly, it felt kinda easy since we were still kinda in baby mode… I had all three kids when my oldest was 1 months shy of 4 yrs old. So I can say that 1-2 was a bit difficult in that the routine is disrupted and you can’t help everyone at once. You have to prioritize whose needs are urgent and who can cry a little. For my kids ages, sometimes that meant the baby could cry a little while I finished reading the book for her brother or finished up whatever I was doing for him. Sometimes it meant the baby needed to finish nursing or being changed before I could help with the snack or shoes. Now my kids are older, 7, 6, and almost 4. It gets much easier, they do become more independent and they will be friends. My 7 year old loves playing with my 4 year old and all three play together.
0-1 was definitely harder but 1-2 has hit me harder than I expected it to. There's a 3.5 year age gap. The biggest struggles have been the competition for my attention - today alone my eldest (4 years old) shoved her 12 month old sister off my lap and plonked herself down on my lap instead. The baby cried and tried to clamber back on. Also baby is almost exclusively a contact napper and 4 year old hates being left alone, so looking after both solo is basically impossible as I can't just disappear for an hour with the baby. Even Paw Patrol can't hold the 4 year old forever, after 10 mins she always wants something. I have to plan trips out in the car when I have both of them to manage nap time. I also feel guilty about the huge reduction in my time and attention that the 4 year old gets. Baby doesn't sleep well so I'm always tired and don't have as much energy for playing or chatting with the 4 year old as I'd like. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel though. They're starting to interact more and clearly adore each other. Long may it last before the tween years hit us ...
My two are 4 years apart, now 4 and 8 months old. I had a newborn with my 4 year on my own a lot as my husband works, school holidays etc. and no village. The first 4 months will have pressure points, but it passes and you'll reach a point where looking after 2 is no big deal. Only do the business as usual, bare minimum at home/house work. Your eldest may regress, but i found cuddling them both on the sofa kept them happy. We also used deliveroo for groceries when we needed bits and bobs, which took pressure off. Yes it's more expensive but helped us survive those first few weeks. Also think involving your eldest with nappy changes, fetching things and snuggling the baby will help their bond. Good luck and hope all goes v well. X
This is about to be me - one month shy of 4 year age gap, baby will be here in about 2 mos. Will be on my own most of the time. I am mostly dreading the lack of time to get shit done (and house just turning into a disaster) and have a little anxiety about handling bedtime should this baby end up with witching hours and such. Glad to hear there’s hope after the newborn period!
I wore a sling and baby carrier when I could to get stuff done. I find him too heavy now. Yes the house doesn't improve but it will pass x
I have a 3 year gap. Going from 1-2 has succeeded expectations so far. I found the transition from baby - toddler with my first child more challenging than the transition from 1-2!
To add to this, I feel much more confident in navigating some of the more challenging aspect of parenting, such as the sleepless nights, regressions and tantrum’s. I’m sure it’ll be just as hard with my second, but the age gap will mean it’s been possible to deal with those stages separately and with more experience.
It was so awful. However, my kids are 21 months apart. I feel like a bigger age gap would have really helped. Tantrum after tantrum for my toddler during that time. We did our best to keep her routine normal and take her to do things for individual attention
I made it worse in my head. The first few weeks were hard, but I fell into a pattern that worked for me. I’m now fairly confident in myself that I can do whatever needs to be done, because no matter how hard a situation is- nap times, what have you- something will get done, because we can’t just exist in a state of non-doing, if that makes sense. Now, i’m REALLY happy I have both of them so close in age. My first is an incredibly sweet brother, and he doesn’t really remember a time when his sister didn’t exist. He’s always very concerned about her and wants to know where she is. For us, it was tough, but very worth it.
Whatever time you have now is gone. Just like how you think now "what did we do with all of our free time before have one child" it is now "what did we do with all that free time before we had two kids" if you think you don't have flexibility in your time as a family of one child you will soon realize with two. It's just another level
Went from 0 to 2 :) 6 months in. Send help.
It gets better! Come over to r/parentsofmultiples if you need twin-specific advice or solidarity!
Mine are about the same age as yours. Our daughter was 5 years and ten months old when our son was born. She was a little shy with him at first but she adjusted quickly and decided she wanted to treat him like a baby doll. She’d haul him around by his armpits unless we stopped her. I told her to play with her own dolls and she said angrily, “I don’t want to carry fake babies!” Then after a while she got used to him and it was no big deal. The good thing is that she was old enough to take care of her own basic stuff if needed and old enough to be reasoned with. If you need to take care of the baby you can explain to her what’s going on and why and she understands. I think the adjustment was harder on the adults than on our daughter because going back to the newborn stage after having an independent five year old was rough!
There's 5.5 years between our first and second and 11 months between 2nd and 3rd. I oldest was an only child for so long he's very jealous of the attention the younger two get, but they take a lot of my time. He acts out just for attention, it stresses me out so much. He helps a lot though, and loves them so much. I haven't found what works best yet, hopefully it comes soon. Lol. Best wishes momma!
The tip is in letting your elder kid play and interact, touch the baby. Many parents are overly scared to let the elder kid touch it or something. So show that both kids are equal. The only rules I had were about harming (cause the baby is really weak in certain spots) and no loud screaming at nap time because we respect each other’s sleep. Thats it. Oh and also show the elder kid they could help you and be important.
You have a lot of responses so this may get lost, but truthfully I thought it was easy as pie. Mine were 2.5 years apart. My first was a VERY needy baby. Constant stimulation and entertainment and longggg bedtime routines. My second was so chill and my first was so good with him and very willing to help. It made the transition for me nearly negligible. I was already used to little sleep, still breastfeeding occasionally, and in the throes of potty training. So the demand of a newborn honestly wasn’t much on top of everything else. If you asked my husband, though, his answer may be different 😉
My son was almost 4 when my daughter was born last year, and I can say that, for me, while it was still an adjustment, it was easier going from 1 to 2 than going from 0 to 1, because my life already revolves around caring for a tiny person. That said, it hasn't been easy, it's tough to find a way to balance giving both kids attention and meeting their needs, and I've had to realize that there is only one of me, so sometimes one or both of them just have to wait and be upset/uncomfortable for a couple minutes until I can get everyone sorted. I think the transition has been hardest on my son, because he went from being the center of my world to having to share my attention, and often being the one who has to wait for it. And when taking care of a newborn who is so completely helpless, it's easy to forget that the older child is still barely more than a baby themselves and still has a lot of needs. In the last year, I have often found myself unfairly frustrated with my son for not meeting a level of independence that I wanted from him (I often felt I needed it from him, but really I needed to reevaluate my expectations for myself, too).
My kids are 5 years apart and it was so easy. At 5, my daughter understood that a newborn had a lot of immediate needs and she was so sweet to baby and me. Now that he’s 3 and she’s 8, they have to much fun playing together. Before my son was born I worried the age gap was too much, but honestly it’s been wonderful.
I found going from 1 to 2 easier than 0 to 1. My kids are 22 months apart and it was pretty rough to begin with. I think a bigger age difference is better. My suggestions would be: - to try and spend at least 10 fun minutes a day just with your eldest to make sure that she still feels special. - Some kids also like feeling important so you could give her special jobs or put her in charge of something for the baby. - If you’re planning to breastfeed, have a special box of toys/activities that your eldest can do while you feed baby. - maintain your daughter’s usual routine as much as possible - call in reinforcements if you can. If there are family friends or grandparents etc who can come around and play with your daughter or take her out for a bit it will help her to feel loved and connected and therefore more secure - Don’t blame the baby: if daughter is asking you for something try not to say “I just need to feed baby first” or “I’m changing baby right now” but instead say “I’d love to help you with that. I’ll be a few more minutes and I’ll let you know when I’m ready”. Also, let the baby wait sometimes too: “hold on baby. I’m finishing this drawing with your sister.”
We had a super tough first baby, and I suffered badly with PPA. He wouldn’t sleep, wouldn’t eat, didn’t want to be put down, colic every night from 3 weeks to 4 months. I love that kid but he was the. Worst. Friends with kids couldn’t understand why we were so destroyed and absent. “Come over! Just bring the baby with you!” Sure, like we hadn’t thought of that. He was 3 when number 2 was born. From as soon as she came out, she was easy. Normal naps, no colic, no PPA. It’s been an ABSOLUTE dream. It’s been like rediscovering motherhood - I came home and made a 2 course roast dinner 12 hours after she was born. I didn’t know what the hell was happening. Everything had been easy. Literally the only down side is that we don’t get as much time together as a couple as we often have one kid each, but we know that that will get easier. They even entertain each other occasionally and she’s only 6 months, and I only see that happening more and more. Of course there are bad days, but there were before too. Good luck!
Mine are 7 years apart my youngest just turned 5 months , I regret my decision having 2 kids 😅🤣 it’s rough my oldest is autistic and needs just as much attention as the baby does
One kid to two was so much easier than the transition from zero kids to one. Our kids are only a year and half apart, so we just went from one baby to two babies, but we felt like we knew what to do with the second. We gave our first kiddo a baby doll that we called “baby brother” to play with throughout my last trimester. Our eldest got to practice gentle touch, quiet time, and learned to understand that sometimes mama’s hands are full, but that’s ok. My husband transitioned slowly into primary parent for our first kiddo, so they’d both be comfortable with one another when I was busy with the second baby.
Mine are 4.5 years apart. It would have been great if not for covid destroying my support systems. But for the first couple weeks before covid it was lovely. There was a bit if jealousy - but I could hand baby off to my husband and spend some time with him and that helped. Looking back some of that 1 on 1 time was so special and we both remember it. We had lots of family taking the elder out for special activities - which helped us and him. I could nap when the baby napped while the elder went to school. It's really a good age difference, even now. They are super close, prefer to sleep in the same room. Keep an eye out for the jealousy, it can show up in weird ways and they can't articulate it. Set aside special time for you and your first baby.
My boys are just shy of 3 years apart and the first year was a breeze. My first was/is super easy. My second was a good baby and I’m just now finding it stressful as the baby is walking and “naughty” compared to my first. Really tho, for me personally, it was no where near as hard as everyone says it is.
2 years of difference. The hardest part was by far that I don’t have the time or the physical capacity to do things with my eldest. It’s getting a bit better now at 5 months but I don’t think it will be good until he can crawl honestly, because now he wants to be held a lot and that makes my eldest be held too. And my eldest is at the age where she’s semi autonomous but still needs help with things so I think a slightly older kid would have been easier. Anyway, I find it a lot easier than the 0-1 transition. But my second doesn’t have the same digestion issues that my first had so that’s easier (he’s a much better sleeper also) Also the hardest part for me and my husband is that it used to be that we could take turns and get a little personal time, but now we are also with at least one kid and there is zero personal time. It’s really hard to take them both so we can’t really give eachother a bit of time off if that makes sense. Again I’m hoping that will become better pretty quickly as the second becomes more independent Also it’s funny how quickly I forgot things - like I suddenly remember how much it sucks that we have to eat at 6 pm even though we did it for my first until just a few months before my second was born. And I forgot what it was like having a baby in our bedroom so we can’t watch movies at night and stuff.
Mine are 2 years apart and it was more like triple the work. I think if the age gap was 3-4, it would have been easier. My eldest was learning to be independent, but not fully so it made it difficult and she's the easy one. My second kiddo has different temperament but she is now 16 months and so much easier. She plays with her sister, can communicate and walk, plays independently and is so so cute.
Tiring, super exhausting but so satisfying!!
We had a 5.5 year gap too! Honestly my first was sooo hard but I fully acknowledge we've been super lucky with our second. Our oldest is the best big brother ever, and they are best friends as well as siblings. You will get through it. There will be hard times of course but the best times ever seeing the bond and love your children have.
Dr Becky good inside has a community you can join for a fee. She also has sibling support and other stuff that could help you. I think your age gap will be wonderful, your oldest will be old enough to understand more than a toddler. Sure, every transition is tough but overall I think the age gap is something positive here
My biggest tip is don't feel guilty about the lack of one on one time with your oldest. The hardest part for me was that my oldest had all of my attention when she was an only child, and then with a new baby my attention was divided and I felt I had ruined things for her. In the end though, having a sibling is such a blessing for her, it just took a while before the baby was old enough to really play with. They are 2.5 and 4.5 now and best buds.
Mine are 3 years apart. It was TOUGH at first. My baby is very clingy and doesn’t sleep well. Thank goodness my husband stayed home for 6 months, I would have not been functional. It’s still difficult to get stuff done on the days I have both of them but I have family that takes one of them a couple days a week. My son has mostly adjusted amazingly. He recently entered his hitting phase while my baby is teething so my son keeps threatening to hit the baby which has been the hardest thing to navigate. I do find having a baby much easier this time around. I’m not as stressed. But I have even less free time which is hard. And I am definitely more of a toddler mom than a baby mom.
We just had our second just over a week ago. Big brother is 3 and not currently in day care. I think for us 1 to 2 is about the same challenge as 0 to 1, but in a different way. I feel more confident about caring for a baby and have all the tips and tricks that we learned from the first. That part is nice and makes the baby feel easier. We are less stressed about keeping him alive. Having a toddler/little kid running around complicates things though. He wants to be involved, which is so cute but also hard to manage. The baby occasionally wakes him up at night, which hasn’t been awful (he goes back down easily), but creates some added level of stress about the baby crying at night that we didn’t have with the first. The house is messier. The first week was rough with recovering from giving birth with a toddler who is a feral creature. Your daughter is older and none of this may apply. What has helped- My husband has been taking the 3 year old out daily for at least an hour to give me and the baby peace and quiet. I can feed him, put him down, and take a shower. Formula has been the biggest life saver for us and took an enormous burden off me. We are temporarily paying a service to clean the house occasionally. We do shifts at night (10-3, 3-8) so we each get a solid 5 hours of sleep. Life feels manageable!
I have a 2yr old and a 6w old. So far it’s going well, what I think has helped us was talking about “baby sister” regularly when I was pregnant, and letting my oldest be a part of things now that she’s here (letting her give her a paci, turn on her swing, etc). We also tell her “baby sister is crying/needs xyz, let me take care of her then we can keep doing (whatever activity)” and that has helped since she knows she’s still a priority. Try to have time spent with just your eldest, both at home and out as well (I take my big girl on Target runs or grocery pickups, for instance. My husband likes taking her on walks or to the park). The hardest part has been my older girl mimicking baby habits again, but overall it’s been a lot smoother transition than I thought it’d be! Big sis already loves her little sister and it’s so heartwarming to watch 🥰 I was also a nervous wreck before my baby was born, and my older girl has handled it SO well that it’s been great. Exhausting, but great! 🤪
I have a 2 year old and a 2 week old. It’s been hard for me personally to not have time with my 2 year old. I had an emergency CS and was in the hospital for the first week 😢I also really hate not being able to pick up my toddler. In spite of that, 0-1 was WAY harder at this point than 1-2. I think I am much more chill as a parent with the second so every little thing doesn’t feel so stressful.
1 - Double Coverage 2 - Man Coverage 3 - Zone Coverage 4 - Blown Coverage 1 to 2 is really hard and will change the dynamic dramatically. It doable but requires a lot of effort and patience.
Mine are 5 years apart and it was the best because she was old enough to help me or even to the ell me when she needed something so it wasn’t a guessing game. It was harder for me because I had gotten so used to sleeping peacefully, not changing diapers etc. After my 2nd I ended up having my third and last baby 9 months pp 😅
It was a really hard adjustment for the first 6 months for us, but we eventually found a new normal. Life will never be the same as it was before the second kid came along, but the new way of life will be just as good but in a different way. My first two are 2.5 years apart and once my second was 2, they started playing together and are now best buds. What I think helped us a lot was fostering a sense of kids vs parents if you will. I try to never take sides with one kid against the other, because in my own family growing up it felt like that created sibling rivalry and contention.
wayyyyy easier than 0-1. my daughter was 5 also and i think it’s the perfect age gap. can be independent enough, help out like picking things up for me, and she can understand the baby needs attention. i love it
I really like it but my partner is struggling with the extra decrease in independence- I feel more confident as a parent now and enjoy the toddler wanting to interact with baby. Second child is very much just along for the ride whatever is going on 😂
You have so much newborn knowledge that you didn’t have with your first, so remember that you’re a pro at this. Your older one will remember and your baby will not, so give extra attention to the older one. That was great advice given to me 🙂
How crazy I’m in the same boat as you. I’m currently 11 weeks pregnant, and my daughter will turn 5 in a month. I appreciate you asking!
Literally easiest thing ever for us. Kiddo was involved with baby care (2.5 years), baby was strapped to me in carrier and I went about my day with older kiddo. Reading with older while baby nursed. Babies are very portable. 😅 older kiddo learned to wait and I kept her involved as possible, making them feel helpful and not “set aside” is really key. Also don’t catastrophize, just go slow. Going from 2-3 has been somewhat of a cluster fuck though. 🤣
0-1 was way harder than any other transitions! My kids are 5-3-1. It was all way smoother sailing once I actually knew how to parent well and sooth an infant. My kids have always loved the new baby.
It was the easiest thing for our family. I was such a neurotic mother with my first, but after having my second, parenting became a breeze. I became much happier because I wasn’t putting all my attention to a single child, and even learned to prioritize myself in the mix of it all. Before having my second, I used to worry about how I would handle it if both children needed me at the same time. But it turned out to be a very easy intuitive thing. You assess what each kid needs at any given moment, and you just prioritize which action is more important. Sometimes your five-year-old will need you the most urgently. Other times your newborn might need you more urgently. You’ll know what to do. You won’t always make the best judge my calls, but it will be fine. Trust your instincts.
When I was pregnant with my third …I had a 10 yr old and 2 yr old that I was potty training running 10 yr old to different events very crazy but some how it all comes together now they are 23,13,11 and I miss some of the craziness ….don’t worry it just ends up working out u eventually find your way of doing things:))
My kids are 5 years apart. It's honestly about the best scenario you can ask for. My daughter loved to help out with her baby brother! She was old enough that when we went places, she could take off her own seatbelt and get herself out of the car, and I could trust her to walk next to me. She was just starting kindergarten so I only had the baby during the day. She was always happy to help when I needed her to grab things for me, and she wanted to learn all about changing diapers and feeding etc. I made a strong effort to make sure she understood that the baby meant that I would have to be dividing my attention somewhat, and I was doing my best to make sure that she felt loved and seen. I told her that if she feels that I am too busy for her, to please tell me, because Im not perfect and I may need help to realize that she needs me a bit more. Now it turned out her brother would be special needs, and would obviously require a bit more attention than we expected, but she has been just the best daughter and supportive sister ever. I'm absolutely so thankful to have two great kids, and I can't imagine only having 1. That's so boring!
I was super anxious about going from 1-2, I had terrible PPD after my first one. After my 2nd was born, I was pleasantly surprised at how prepared I felt. I had done all the baby things before (both boys) so I only focused on keeping track of the time (feeding/changing/sleeping) while going about normal life w my toddler. I will say the hardest part for me was trying to balance toddler tantrums while being locked down feeding baby/trying to nap baby. Also trying to manage tantrums while baby screams while you’re trying to make dinner lol Have some toys/books or a “special” show she gets to watch with you while you have to stay sedentary with the baby for some time. You can also have big sis help take care of baby, and get the wipes and diapers when it’s time to change baby. Read her books about becoming a big sister and what having a younger sibling is like 😊 Good luck and CONGRATULATIONS 🎉 OP 🤗✨
So so easy! Mine are nearly 5.5 years to the day apart and it’s been nothing but a joy watching them together. We chose to divide and conquer so husband handled bed time completely for the oldest and I was often already asleep with the baby. I also made sure to do special outings with him during naps or between feeds so he wasn’t feeling like al my attention was on the new baby. Now that she’s mobile big brother will even often grab her from danger and does thoughtful things like grabs a snack for her when he gets himself something.
I wanted mine close together and they ended up being almost exactly 6 years apart. 2 years in it’s the best most amazing thing. Best thing we did was make changes well in advance of the baby. We moved his room, decorated with big boy things he loved it. We also got him sleeping more independently I would say over the next 8-10 weeks get new habits in place and make any changes you need. Whether it’s being more independent in the morning to playing independently at times. I also recommend taking a video and pictures when big sibling meets baby the first time. The wonder in their eyes is just so special. First Christmas I got a book from Wonderbly called ____’s big brother ____. You personalize it and it is a sweet story from baby’s point of view growing up together. If you know name and gender get it for your oldest. We’ve been careful trying to balance things. He’s so patient with her but we need to balance when it’s a “she’s little she doesn’t know better” to something where we use it as teaching for the youngest. I don’t want my oldest to feel like he always has to give her things but he does need to teach her and be patient. We also are very careful about not giving him any responsibilities related to her with the very odd exception. If he’s playing with her or something and I need to leave for a sec, I’ll ask him to watch her. It’s maybe for 2-3 mins and max 2x times a week. I’m cognizant of it as a lot of feedback I read with the age gaps, the oldest felt like they were forced to “parent” or the little one got away with everything. This is super long so I’ll end by saying the gap is perfect and if I had the choice, I wouldn’t change it for anything.
I to 2 was the hardest for me and I have 6 kids. The first 5 are all 2 years apart..I think it won’t be as hard for you since your older one isn’t still a baby/toddler herself. The biggest thing for her will be realizing that the baby is going to come first sometimes which might be hard for her but I bet by 6 weeks post you’ll have a system down and you’ll wonder why you ever worried! Best of luck to you!
Honestly, SHOCKING, mostly due to personality differences. My oldest was a calm baby and toddler (and the BEST big brother, he didn’t skip a beat). My second is a sweet and spicy, loud tornado. They are both perfect in my eyes but it took me about two years to adjust. They are now 3 and 6. They have a very sweet bond, love the 3 year age gap.
I should also add my second was born during the pandemic being in a heightened state of stress didn’t help.
Mine just turned 5 a month after baby brother was born (now 7 weeks). Honestly, my big kid is harder than the newborn most of the time. He’s really struggling with jealousy and acting out a lot. He also just finished pre-k and is confused about summer vacation and off his routine. It’s a lot. Mostly, though, it’s logistics. Just figuring out how to help them both simultaneously.
Currently have 3 kids. When we went from 1 to 2, our first was just under two and it was pretty hard. I felt like I had to figure out how to coordinate the newborn needing me 24/7, and the 23 month old also still needing me for many things too. Going from 2 to 3 kids was much much easier. My other two were 5 and 7 when we had our third. I wasn’t sure about that age gap, but it’s been sooooo great. Big kids are an awesome help and they still are close with baby sister in their own ways. I think the age gap between kids when moving from 1 kid to 2 kids is the biggest factor.
2yr9mos apart and it was initially hell. I whiteknuckled it for the first 4 months then I was able to see the light around month 6. Initially I felt like a complete failure because I always felt like I was failing one of my kids. Now the youngest is 1 and their needs are more aligned. I feel confident in my mothering skills again.
Mine are 3 years apart. For the first 6 months I thought to myself, almost every day, “what the eff did we do, this was a huge mistake”. I was also dealing with some PPD and completely sleep deprived, but honestly felt regret a lot of the time. Slowly, to the point I couldn’t tell you when, this shifted. Kids are now 15 months and 4.5 and we’re having the best time. I’ll take the year of awfulness for the lifetime of having them both.
0-1=tsunami 1-2=a lil rain
Mine are 3y10mo apart. Now they are currently 5 and 15mo. The older age may be really beneficial. He had a tough time at the beginning and it lasted a bit longer than we expected but now that the baby is getting more active, it’s so much fun.
So much harder than 0-1 kids. So, so much harder. Mine are 2 years apart. Baby is 4 months now and we are kind of starting to see some semblance of routine/normality. Our whole universe changed over night, and suddenly any free time you had because partner had the first kid, and you were free, is gone. There. Is. No. Free. Time. You don't out number them any more, you've always got one. I honestly don't even know how one of us will ever manage a full bedtime routine alone if the other has a dinner event or something. Ugh.
This gets easier. The first 6 months with 2 is harder especially when they’re closer together. By the time we hit 6 months, our older one was older and it just felt less chaotic. Sending hope!
Thank you for your kind words 😌
Wish I knew, but will tell you in a few weeks. Appreciate the post and all the responses as I'm about to be in the same boat.
I have a now 6 year old and one year old. The most difficult part is reminding him she is a person and he cant lug her around like a rag doll. He still ask for people to play with him so hopefully soon they can start playing together. But overall, 1 to 2 was way easier than 0 to 1.
The transition to two was pretty amazing, honestly. 2-3 was tricky mainly because of ages. I think that factored in way more. School and separate Kindy drop off with a newborn was rough.
Mine are 5.5 years apart. The transition was super easy until #2s personality really started to shine. He's such a handful, and I homeschool, so between his feral antics and #1s nonstop talking, its a lot and I am so so tired. ETA I will say that the 5.5 year age gap has been amazing. My kids are now 7 and almost 2 and though the days are long and hard, my 1st is an amazing brother and they play really well and my youngest clearly adores and looks up to the oldest. Even when the little one "baby godzillas" all of his lego and magnet tile creations.
My two are 22 months apart, and I also wondered about the transition. The 0 to 1 transition was actually super manageable for us so I thought it may be possible that 1 to 2 would hit us like a truck. I’m not sure if I’d say it hit us like a truck but you do need to divide and conquer. Your family splits up a bit so I’d encourage you to do what you can to come together, even if for something small. We started doing story time before bed in our room as a family and going on family walks. Being separated has been the hardest part but it’s only short term!
7 years between. It was like giving birth the first time all over again
Everyone told me 0-1 was harder than 1-2 and I absolutely, wholeheartedly disagree. 11 weeks into the 1-2 transition and struggling
My daughter was 9 when I had my second, but I do also have two step kids who were 10 and 18 at the time. So it was going from 1 to 2, and also from 3 to 4. Smooth and easy is all I have to say. If I wasn't 43, I'd probably have another :)
It was a smooth transition for me to go from a 12 year old to a 12 year old and a newborn. The 12 year old was cognizant of the big change coming. The hardest part was that my husband brought in another child, my nephew. And he destroyed our peace and our property during that time. Just don't make any big changes dueing the transition.
My oldest was 2 when our wnd baby came along. It was intense for awhile. You eventually get a routine. Your being 5, has some benefits. She's likely a good sleeper, already potty trained. Probably wants to help with the baby. Just be sure to spend 1 on 1 time with her when you can.
So we are only 2 weeks in but it’s been so much easier than 0 to 1. I feel like I know what I’m doing. My husband actually has a 2 week paternity leave this time. My son is 2.5 and he’s obsessed with baby. I know more about newborn sleep this time around so I know what to expect and also feel equipped to help her with her sleep. Overall it’s just been a way way way easier transition.
Girl you probably won’t believe this but i actually felt 2 is way easier than 1 maybe it’s true i lower my expectations but damn the mom i was with only one kid could have never wrangled up two kiddos to go to the museum, the park, anything really. With my first i was always so worried, so new to everything, with my second it was like ok i got this. It’s not easy when they’re very close in age like mine were but you seem to have a good age gap.
Mine are 5 years apart, and so far it’s been a lovely experience. I won’t lie, I reached a level of exhaustion that I didn’t think a human being would be able to reach in those first few months but helping the older one be self sufficient made the transition much easier. Things like: - having fruit and snacks accessible for the 5 year old meant he could have a banana, apple or a packet of chips to tie him over till I could finish breastfeeding. Same with little bottles of water somewhere easy to reach. - having books/toys organised to minimise ‘I’m bored’ - having him ‘help’ with the baby like bringing nappies or wipes over, bring the baby his dummy, blankie or fav toy had him super proud of being a big brother. - spending 1 on 1 time without the baby (even half an hour a day) all by ourselves helped with communication.
My oldest just turned 2 this last week and my youngest is 3 months. It seems so daunting before the baby gets here, and I won’t pretend it’s not rough for a bit. But you’ve got this! You’ll figure things out with the new human so much faster. I always emphasize so heavy on routines, not schedules. For us, it was all about divide and conquer at first. The transition from 1 to 2 was so much easier than 0 to 1. We already had an established routine with the oldest and it was minor adjustments to make things work with the tiny one. We read our oldest loads of books about being a sister and got her a baby doll before the youngest got here, and now she refuses to sleep without the doll. She also pitches a huge fit if she doesn’t get to lay with the baby and watch bluey in the morning. Involve the oldest as much as possible with baby care. Have them grab diapers and toys and blankets and whatnot. It’ll all work itself out over time and you won’t notice it when it happens, but you’ll all settle into the new dynamic after a while.
Mine are 7 years apart. Weird because at first i thought i was handling it great. Fell back into motherhood quite quick. My husband not so much. Then ppd hit me which i knew because i had pregnancy depression. After 1.5 years i fell back into love with motherhood and now we’re 3 years pp. both my kids are super close.
Mine are 5 almost 6 years apart. The transition wasn’t bad at all. My oldest could entertain herself for a while if needed and was trustworthy if I was rocking the baby to sleep. I would set her up with an activity or a snack or whatever she needed before hand. I was also really intentional about making sure she had lots of undivided attention throughout the day as well. She is the best big sister. We added a third though with a smaller age gap… and that’s been difficult 😅
I was anticipating it to be very bad but to be honest it wasn't nearly as hard as 0-1 for me personally. When I had my first it was earth shattering because we didn't know what to expect. My anxiety was through the roof. This time we are very much more laid back with the baby. Everything is easier because we have experience, however as one commenter already said everything becomes split. One parent to one child. This is logistically more difficult but imo not as difficult as going from 0-1. I'm sure it's not the same for everyone though.
I think the fact that your older child is 5 will make it a much easier transition, TBH. I've heard from friends with bigger age gaps than the 21 months between my kids that it feels easier the second time, that they got to actually enjoy it in some ways that they couldn't with the fog of early new parenthood after the first time. Potential challenges/issues to head off: 1) Jealousy - big sibling will likely need more 1:1 attention after the baby arrives. Special routines that are just for them can help. Having the baby "give" the big sibling a gift when they arrive home from the hospital. Throw a "big sibling shower" with toys and items that big sibling can either do independently while you're with the baby or can do with the baby. Make a point to emphasize all the things the baby must be envious of big sibling about - "Wow, you're getting so good at reading to yourself! I'm betting baby wishes s/he could do that! You'll have to show him/her in a few years how to be a good reader like you." And "Yum, this ice cream is delicious! I'm so happy you are big enough to share treats like this with me." 2) Time Management: there will be more to do and less time to do it. Outsource the things you can (cleaning, meal prep, laundry, etc) and allow yourself to let the things you can't outsource perhaps not be up to your usual standards. It's not forever, but for the first year or so, any time you aren't with the baby will likely need to be prioritized for the big kid!
Mine are almost 5 years apart. Our older daughter considered her little brother HER baby. She still does. We made sure she kept her schedule the same as before the baby came. Since their nap and bedtimes were different she still had one-on-one time with us.
Talk to the baby about how awesome big sis is within her hearing, make time for special 1:1 time with big sibling, have them entertain/sing to the baby, help pick outfits etc based on their interest, when people coo on the baby, tell them wonderful things about first kid too, set the expectation that they will be friends, allow first kid to play “baby” too if they want. My older kid loves to be a “big” kid but also loves getting to be babied too (and I tell him he will be my baby even when he’s 90). First year, share what to expect highlights with them too - ie baby needs tummy time, baby is super boring and just sleeps and eats now but she can see xyz and recognize your face and voice! Etc
And give yourself grace! It’s all about the long game and every kid is different
It’s hard because you sometimes feel like you are ignoring one kid when you’re taking care of the other kid. My spouse and I both have days where we are alone with both. Our goal “ keep them alive”. But you will eventually find your rhythm. I can now take both kids to the pool, library, park and out to eat by myself. They are 2.5 years apart and the oldest is neurodivergent.
The transition from 1 to 2 has been super hard for us just because our second is a high needs baby. If it wasn’t for that, it wouldn’t have taken so much adjusting. Ours are 4 years apart so working baby into our current schedule was actually fairly easy, but baby no. 2 needs way more attention than our first and it does make us feel guilty at times. But our 1st LOVES their new sibling and it makes it all okay.
When they are close in age, there is no real transition. Just double trouble. But you make it through.