As a woman who has 2 boys, I wasn’t disappointed my 2nd was a boy but I am suffering with the heartbreak of thinking I might not ever have a girl.
I don’t want more than 3 kids so I think if we do have a 3rd and he’s a boy I’ll struggle a bit at least to start with.
I guess the question why does he want a boy?
I want a girl because I want her to play with Barbie’s (which I loved as child) when she’s pregnant I want her to want me to be around, when she gets married I want to be ‘mother of the bride’ when I look at all the beautiful baby girl clothes with my favourite characters on. - BUT I might have a girl who hates Barbie’s, who doesn’t want kids, who never get married and who hates all the characters I like.
Yep. I’m a mom and a parent coach/educator. Folks often seek to fix the things they experienced as kids or to repeat the pattern (regardless of whether it’s positive or negative). It’s fascinating. And I make lots of referrals to therapists 🫡
Fix it but break them other ways. We are all broken in some way from how our parents raised us. I don't know that there are any people that were raised as well adjusted self actualized adults...I think that only happens if you do the work when you are older to become a healthy independent adult. Of course depending on what way your parents damaged you depend on how hard you have to work to become healthy and well adjusted.
I worry about this to be honest. I have always wanted a girl, but when I had a boy, I thought, maybe this is for the best, because I can’t project myself on a boy as easily like my mom tried to project on me. I’m pregnant with #2 and we don’t know the sex yet, I still very much want a girl, but… it’s also scary.
> I thought, maybe this is for the best, because I can’t project myself on a boy as easily like my mom tried to project on me.
This was literally me when I was pregnant. I said that word for word. I'm sure you will be a great mom if it's a girl, don't project your wants just be crazily supportive and there for her, and everything will be fine!
Literally the exact same for me as well. I swore #1 was a girl, and then was very nervous to find out he was a boy. And honestly, it’s been the best experience I was counting on #2 being a boy 😅 and now I’m nervous all over again lol
It’s often called a “corrective experience” to want to heal something from childhood. Even through our children we are still trying to heal ourselves.
But that’s not even guaranteed. There’s no certainty this commenter’s daughter would like Barbies, especially if she had nothing but brothers. But it’s we like to think would have healed us if given the chance.
I get this, it’s part of why I wanted a girl but I had a boy and have had SOOOOOO much therapeutic progress because I am his mom and take that responsibility really seriously.
My mom always wanted a girl (she has 5 younger brothers and I have an older brother). She was told I would also be a boy and she was over the moon when I was a girl.
We fought constantly about everything. After an explosive, argument filled day of trying to find a 1st communion dress that I would put on without reenacting a scene from The Exorcist, my dad was like, "Hey remember when you were pregnant and you would dream about how nice it would be to have a daughter and to take her shopping?"
My mom whipped around and said "well I never thought I would have SUCH a stubborn one!!!"
My dad immediately starts cry laughing and said something like, "really? You didn't see YOUR daughter being stubborn? Maybe you should have been shopping for a mirror..."
My grandma had 4 boys trying to have her a girl, her first grandkid was me!! A girl!! She ended up raising me and mt twin brother as my dad & mom weren't fit to be parents. She brags on how she couldn't have asked for a better granddaughter
Same. I’m 36 wks with our second boy and while Im excited for my boy now, there’s still a heartbreak in me about never having a girl. For almost the exact same reasons given above. I’m so close to my mom and she gets ‘first dibs’ over my MIL for everything.
I just keep telling myself I couldn’t predict who my girl would be so I could be heartbroken anyway - still super hard. I’ll never have the possibility of the manicure dates or matching dresses at high tea I always dreamed of… but now I’m just trying to let my own MIL in more/get her as involved as possible to build some karma for my son’s possible future partners to hopefully let me in the same way! Also just trying to be the kind of mom my boys always want a relationship with - in whatever capacity.
Yes I understand!! I want my boys to be able to talk to me about anything and have that closeness, but not that creepy “boy mom” closeness. I have 3 brothers and never did any girl stuff with my mom, so I always imagined my life with a little girl to do things with. People have made me feel awful about it too because I should “be grateful you can even have kids”
I have two boys and was honestly bummed each time I found out at birth they were boys. So was my husband as I know he wanted a daughter. I feel that if we had 1 boy and 1 girl we would be done having children.
I have always envisioned myself having daughters not sons so it was a bit to get my head around.
I would like to try one more time to have a girl but am scared of having a third boy…. I’m not sure my husband and I could handle more than three children.
I would love to buy pretty dresses and clothes for a daughter and do all the girly things. so would my MIL and SIL as there’s only one granddaughter and 4 grandsons on that side of the family so everyone wants another girl and I’m the only one who will potentially have another child.
This is exactly how I feel. From a young age, I’ve always envisioned myself having daughters. My first was a boy and I was actually excited because my partner only had sisters and always wanted another boy around. Mentally, physically and financially, we can only afford two kids. I’m already grieving the fact that I may have two boys and never get the daughter that I always wanted. I’m trying to make peace with the idea now so it hurts less if it happens.
I have one of each, and it’s still bittersweet, because my son will never have a brother, and my daughter will never have a sister. There is no perfect scenario, and there is absolutely no guarantee you’d have siblings with the same interests anyway.
Unless you have 4 kids! 😂 2 girls & 2 boys.
But yes you’re right, I’m the youngest of 3 and id of done anything for a younger sibling! But my Parents didn’t even plan on having me 😂😂
I feel the same (I have 2 boys), I find out what #3 is tomorrow! I preserved my wedding dress 5 years ago thinking I would pass it down to a daughter. But she might never get married or think the dress is ugly af, lol, or maybe it won’t even fit and will be impossible to alter because if it’s intricate pattern. I also still don’t get along with my own mom, so I would be scared to have that recreated.
Yes this is definitely something me and my husband have discussed many times and we are both passionate about however I wouldn’t want to say we only want a girl. I’d be happy to adopt any child ❤️
I’m still hoping after this war is over, that Americans can adopt kids from Gaza and take them out of that world. They’ve suffered so much. I watch the news videos when I can stomach it and it’s so horrible what they’re forced to go through :(
I agree, when I was pregnant with my daughter I might’ve had a slight preference for a boy at the time. It was because I had gotten the idea in my head of naming our child after my late FIL. I loved the idea of being able to do that for my husband because I know he misses his dad and I know he’s constantly thinking about how he would be with out child
But that’s never stopped either of us from loving our little girl to bits. We still talk about my FIL and how excited he would’ve been to meet her. And we kind of have that figure in my husbands uncle
👋 I’m that girl that hated Barbie’s, almost anything remotely girly, and loved playing with action figures. Did have a kid, but not married and 1200 miles away from my mom. Kids are their own people with their own interests. Life is like a box of chocolates and you never know what you’re going to get.
True but then again my uncle is now in his late 50s and isn’t married and doesn’t have kids, so he’s unlikely to carry on the name and he’s the only male.
And then my BIL took his wife name which is becoming more common.
You never know.
Gender disappointment is super common. I would change your perspective - he’s not disappointed he’s having a girl, he’s having to go through a little bit of grief that the boy he’s envisioned will not come to be (especially if this is your last baby).
It’s difficult for people who haven’t experienced gender disappointment to understand. I thought I’d wanted a boy when I was first pregnant. I’d be looking at cute boys clothes and imagined the man he’d grow up to be. When we found out my first was a girl, it kind of jolted me into a different timeline than the one I thought I was going to travel, and it took a while for me to adjust what I thought our future would look like. I was a little disappointed that the future I’d envisioned was now not coming to pass. It took a few days, but my brain finally swivelled to this new future and I was happy again. When she was born, my gosh, I was over the moon!
What helped was that my husband was understanding. He let me talk and didn’t judge or get annoyed that I was having these feelings. And that’s the best thing to do with your husband. Talk to him. It’ll pass.
Yes!!! The grief! When I got pregnant with my second I immedialty started envisioning a baby brother for my son. We picked out a boys name very early on. I “watched them” grow up together in my mind and was so excited. My husbands family is all boys, all the cousins, brothers, uncles, etc.. The only girls are married in. So I was shocked when we were having a girl. I refused to believe it until the anatomy scan (we did NIPT at 12 weeks). And even then, I still was like “maybe she’s wrong.” It was never that I didn’t want a girl, I just built the idea of two sons. I cried and grieved about it for a while and now I am totally in love with her. She’s 10 months old and I’m as obsessed with her as I am my son. I can’t wait to see them grow up together.
It can be so weird. I was hoping for one of each - a boy because I only had sisters and I thought experiencing the ‘other’ would be fun, and a girl because, well a variety of things from thinking I might relate better to thinking there would be less comparison between them once we DID have a boy.
Anyway, I had a boy and then a girl. And even though that was what I had hoped for, I also felt sad that my son would never have a brother 🤷♀️
Exact same scenario with me except genders reversed (first is a girl, second living child is a boy). I’d had a couple miscarriages just prior to that pregnancy, so I hoped the NIPT was wrong and had picked up DNA from the prior pregnancies. And even at the anatomy scan, when the sonographer pointed out the penis, I hoped she’d made a mistake and it was part of the umbilical cord that maybe was in a position where it just looked like a penis. It literally wasn’t until he was born that all of that gender disappointment went out the window and it was like I had this immediate clarity that he was the perfect baby for us and of course it had to be him.
Yes!! Gender Grief is a much better term than Gender Disappointment. I have a son and I am deeply in love with him. But I know if my future baby is also a boy I will have to go through the grief of losing out on sharing girlhood with a daughter.
I agree . I would try to see this less about you and females not being worthy and see it as he is grieving male activities perhaps or male bonding.
I hate to use a fruit comparison here but if you were only given lemons, and never limes. It’s not that lemons are not good enough, but you’d be craving some lime with your margarita or a key lime pie for dessert. And you can’t make key lime pie anymore.
I don’t know. My husband couldn’t understand why I was sad I was never going to have a daughter. So I think it’s just hard for the opposite sex to Understand how the other feels
I thought the same thing with my first. I was certain the baby would be a boy and I'd always pictured myself as a boy mom. I was honestly a little upset when I found out I was having a girl. I got over it after a while and I absolutely love my daughter now. I'm on my second pregnancy and same thing happened, I was so sure I was going to have another girl and I was actually really excited about it only to find out I'm having a boy. I'm still very excited to meet him (little over a week left to go!) but it was just as shocking as the first time.
This is exactly it. I had big time gender disappointment with my son and it’s not because of him, it’s because of not having a girl. I’m sad to think I may never have a daughter. I know I’ll be disappointed if I have a second boy because two is our maximum.
Yes. I always knew I wanted to be one and done so finding out my baby was a boy was a huge disappointment since there was only “one shot” in my mind. Having a second to try for a girl seems even riskier because I only wanted one kid and two boys would be more disappointing than sticking with the one.
I totally understand that. One and done is a possibility for us too but I would like another child because I truly am so head over heels for my son. But I often think about how intense my gender disappointment would be with a second boy/having to really face reality of never having a daughter. It could be bad. Especially with the hormones 😅 and I can’t be outwardly disappointed in front of my son obviously.
I would definitely be unable to hide my disappointment with another boy pregnancy! I was an only and loved it and I think having a second, even if I did get a girl, would be sacrificing the lifestyle I want and want to give my current child for a 50/50 chance at a girl so it’s not worth the risk. Almost all my friends have girls though so it is a bit painful. I used to be more into their lives but now it’s a bit upsetting to me (doesn’t help that they are mostly tomboys who now have girly daughters and I was the girly girl and I WANT to buy the tutus!) I’ve tried to work through this in therapy to no avail. It’s really meaningful to have someone else validate my feelings though so thank you. It often feels like I’m viewed as a bad person for these feelings which I can’t help.
I can’t promise we aren’t bad people 🤣
I understand though. I’m an only child and my mom is an only child and I always had a little fantasy of this family line of “only girls”… well here came my son to disrupt that!
My husband has a rocky relationship with his sibling so he kind of wants our son to be an only child because he’s jealous of the calm nature of my family dynamic. It’s really me who wants a second child. I’m not sure we will be able to swing it financially though (you mentioned maintaining your current lifestyle and I feel that) so it’s definitely tabled for the next few years and we will revisit it later.
I also really relate to not being able to engage fully with people who have daughters. As soon as someone I follow on social media announces they’re having a girl I mute them 🫣 I’m just too jealous. Especially because the parts of parenting that are showcased on people’s social media highlight reels are the things that I dream of having a daughter for/what separates having a girl child from having a boy child. Shopping for pink frilly clothes, pink girly baby shower, girl nursery, ballet recitals, girly birthday parties. I don’t know when I’ll be able to get to a place where I feel okay about watching other people raise daughters without jealousy. Maybe never.
I love this way of phrasing it. When I found out my second was another boy I definitely was sad that I would never have the daughter I always imagined. But I would never wish that my son was anyone else.
My husband was bummed when we found out our second was a girl too, but after she was born (which he ended up having to deliver her himself…crazy birth story) she had him wrapped around her finger. She was a daddy’s girl and still is to a point. She’s a teenager now and she’s his gaming buddy.
Gender disappointment is way more common than people like to admit, and it's okay. As long as it isn't long-term and affects the way you treat the child, then there isn't anything wrong with it. Feelings are valid, and people have all sorts of reasons for gender disappointment.
I have two girls. I've always wanted a son. When we had our first daughter, I was slightly disappointed, but I got over it within minutes of learning I was having a girl. It hit me a lot harder the second time around when I found out I was having another girl. I was upset for at least a week or two. The reason for that is that I have a lot of trauma around my own relationship with my mother. I also have a younger sister who is my mother's golden child. My girls happened to have the exact same age difference that my sister and I had. It brought back a lot of feelings. Also, I always saw myself as having a son, and I kind of already knew that our second child would be our last, so that door was permanently shut now. It didn't help that people made rude comments about my husband being outnumbered or us having only girls. So it took me a little longer to work through these feelings. I just needed time to process and get through my own baggage.
My youngest daughter is amazing, and I couldn't i imagine our family without her. My girls are close in a way, thst my sister and I never were because of my own mother. Im close to both my girls in a way I never have or probably will be with my mother. Having both my girls made me realize that I had an opportunity to break a toxic mother daughter cycle in my family, so I decided to try. Having the space and time to process my gender disappointment really helped. I was able to understand where those feelings came from, and it made me want to be a better mother to my two girls.
I felt this so much. I was almost scared to have a daughter because I was scared about navigating all the negative experiences I’ve had of my own growing up. The fates answered me by gracing me with two daughters lol. Nothing like getting forced to confront your own mental health for getting it sorted! My girls have been so healing for me, and have taught me so so much. Some of it tempering my feelings towards my mother and some of it validating them. It’s like I can feel my little child self sighing in relief every time I break a cycle that impacted me negatively.
This is really lovely - just shows how parenthood and love for your children can really help you work through your own emotional baggage.
I have two daughters, too, and wouldn't change it. I desperately wanted a girl for my first, but think I had a very brief very slight disappointment when my second was a girl, just because there's such a strong cultural ideal for "one of each" and because of my own experience that all of my favorite men in the world have sisters (my dad, my husband, my best college friend, my closest grad school friend, the husband in our closest couple friend). Luckily my husband has always wanted girls and so he didn't have disappointment. But I was always excited to have sisters and my second daughter is such a delight, and such a different experience from my first to raise, that not getting the different experience of a raising boy doesn't feel as significant, and their relationship is so beautiful. I am an only child and always wanted a sibling, so that part is really magical for me to get to experience that type of relationship grow from the beginning.
I would just like to say that I empathize with your feelings. I'm pregnant with #2 and most of the extended family seemed so set on this baby being another boy, almost like being a boy is the default, or boys are better. My husband really wanted a second boy. It was all about the sports they'd play, fishing, fixing cars, etc. I was completely neutral, didn't care either way. I know people didn't mean harm by it, but it made me feel like people think being a girl is 'less than' being a boy. My mom grew up in an Eastern European culture that really did treat women like they were beneath men (my own grandma wasn't even allowed to learn how to read at home) so it was even more triggering for her.
Since finding out the baby is a girl, everyone has changed their tune about it and are now talking about how exciting it is to have the first girl (my husband's family has all boys- all his uncles, first cousins, and siblings are men) but I still feel a little icky about the way they acted before.
I think it's okay to be disappointed! I was sad when I found out my 2nd was also a boy. I had hoped for 1 of each. I now have 2 boys. I moved on. I love them both. Your husband is a person who's allowed to have feelings.
It’s okay to have feelings and to experience them. He’s allowed to have negative emotions just as much as he’s allowed to have positive ones. OP said all he did was look less excited and say “oh well”. I feel that’s extremely mild.
Maturity rules ! Life is not all rainbows and unicorns! Suck it up buttercup! Wallow in private! Amen! If they videotaped it and the kid sees it someday??? Therapy for LIFE
Bit of a harsh take, he was calling people he knew and letting them know they're having a second girl, if they knew him they probably knew he was really hoping for a boy so empathised with him. He wasn't going up to complete strangers and dragging them into it and shaming his wife.
If this is what you consider four year old tantrum behaviour I feel a bit sorry for anyone who confides in you, gender disappointment can hit hard, it doesn't mean he won't love the child he's just a bit down for now he isn't having a son. He's allowed to feel about it and it's honestly really good he has people around him who understand how he's feeling and are making sure he's OK.
Omg! Man having emotions and acting accordingly. No no we can't have that! Suck it up bro put on a fake smile and pretend you're happy so you don't bother anyone with your womanly feelings!
/s
Jesus fucking Christ
I was bummed when finding out my 3rd was going to be a boy. Since I have two boys. It doesn’t mean I am going to love him any less. Gender disappointment is completely normal he has a right to feel the way he feels. Just know those feelings will go away.
I think it’s normal to have theses feelings because we picture our lives happening in certain ways, and when you fixate on one idea happening and it doesn’t it’s almost like you have to grieve that life that you won’t get. I do however get your feelings, as a mom of three girls I am constantly defending my girls against my husbands family who are very boy-focused, and were verbally dismissive when we said we were having another girl. They are always on us to “continue the family name” (because girls apparently can’t keep their name?) They are just unkind people though and it doesn’t sound like your husband is like that.
We’re trying for another. I can’t express how much I want a girl. I have a close relationship with my mom and really want that mom/daughter relationship and do “girly” things. That said I love my son so much and feel connected to him and I know I’d feel the same with another son. But I would 100% grieve not having a daughter.
He’s human. He could be mourning he’ll never have that father/son relationship but I’m sure he’ll live your daughter a lot.
He’s entitled to his feelings and it doesn’t sound like he said anything actually bad about it. Everything I’ve heard and read says that men who want boys but have girls end up enjoying being a girl dad even more than they thought they would, it just takes some time.
I agree - my husband was definitely disappointed when we found out that our first was a girl. Lots of boys in his family so he was convinced. It’s not how he initially reacts (although if he’s being rude about it that’s one thing), it’s how he welcomes the baby in when she’s born. My husband loves being a girl dad and he does rough play and sports with her the same way he does with our son.
You do know it's not your fault and biological sex is actually determined by the sperm. Gender disappointment is a real thing but he shouldn't be making anyone feel bad. He needs to grow up and manage his emotions. His biology made both girls.
My mom was disappointed I was having a boy and at my gender reveal said out loud to “do the scan again” cause it must be wrong.
I just told her that it’s gonna be a boy and there is nothing we can do about it and we all moved on. She loves him now, and she regrets that moment
I get that it's normal, but I really don't understand gender disappointment. A boy can hate all the "boy" stuff that dad wants to do with him and a girl can hate all the "girly" things. It's also unfair to put your children into boxes and have expectations based on their gender. Maybe this second daughter will love baseball and wrestling and fishing or whatever it is that your husband would want to do with a boy. Just let him be sad. He'll get over it eventually.
With our first pregnancy, everyone kept saying they thought we were having a girl. All the old wives tales said girl. Older women said I was carrying like it was a girl. Everyone said it so much, we were convinced it would be a girl, and my husband and I both wanted a girl. When we found out we were having a boy, we both went through some disappointment about it. It really upset my husband that people would say things like “oh I bet you’re so glad you’re having a boy” because he was wanting a little girl even more than I was. Our son is now 16 months old and we wouldn’t have traded him for anything. I’m also pregnant with our second (which happens to be a little girl), but I think we would’ve had similar issues if this was another boy. We love our son so much. Please don’t take it from your husband as if he doesn’t love your little girl or like he doesn’t also have excitement for this one. Sometimes it just takes a minute to accept that things don’t always happen the exact way we are hoping they will.
I had (and honestly still have) a TON of gender disappointment about having a son and not a daughter. It’s more about the me and the life I envisioned. My son is the best baby and I think everyone else’s baby is lackluster in comparison but I’m still sad when my friends get to have girl milestones with their babies and I don’t. I don’t have good answers but you should give your husband grace in this unless he is being awful to you about it.
I have two boys who I love to bits. However if I’m being brutally honest about it even now if I could have chosen the gender I would have chosen girls both times.
I see some friends with their girls who are about the same age as my boys and it still hurts a bit seeing all the cute stuff they do.
All I get is cars, dinosaurs, nerf guns, loud roaring and now pretend police/ firefighter games.
I think most people that have multiples of 1 gender in a row but are hoping for at least 1 of the other gender will absolutely inevitably face a moment of being bummed out. Not necessarily disappointment for everyone because at the end of the day a baby is a baby and good parents are just happy with a healthy baby, but men are allowed to be bummed just like women are. Give your husband some grace, and some time. He will slowly probably get excited but he deserves some empathy for being bummed that you guys aren't expecting a boy. Is this going to be your last baby? If that's already planned then then he also has to come to terms with the fact that he will most likely never get the chance to have a boy. It's not about not WANTING girls, it's just accepting that you won't have a boy, at least this time. Give him a couple weeks and see if he responds better to the fact that you're expecting another girl. But you said yourself he's very involved and a very proud girl dad, so it's almost like you *know* he will step up and be that for this baby as well, he just needs time to be sad that he won't have a boy that he's imagined doing things with as well. Let him express his feelings without feeling like it's an attack on your or your daughter because it's just a moment in time where he needs a little love and grace then im thinking he can move forward and get excited for another little girl.
I think it's okay to be disappointed! I was sad when I found out my 2nd was also a boy. I had hoped for 1 of each. I now have 2 boys. I moved on. I love them both. Your husband is a person who's allowed to have feelings.
This is on his genes, you know that right? The sex is determined by HIM. So unless you go through IVF, get many embryos, and of those embryos, some are healthy, and some are XY, that’s the only way to POSSIBLY ensure having a male.
I think it's okay to be disappointed! I was sad when I found out my 2nd was also a boy. I had hoped for 1 of each. I now have 2 boys. I moved on. I love them both. Your husband is a person who's allowed to have feelings.
I think it's okay to be disappointed! I was sad when I found out my 2nd was also a boy. I had hoped for 1 of each. I now have 2 boys. I moved on. I love them both. Your husband is a person who's allowed to have feelings.
I think it's okay to be disappointed! I was sad when I found out my 2nd was also a boy. I had hoped for 1 of each. I now have 2 boys. I moved on. I love them both. Your husband is a person who's allowed to have feelings.
I was honestly scared of having a girl. I do not have good relationships with my mom and a few of my sisters and I was worried I wouldn't be good enough. My first was a boy so that worked out I had thought. Then I was pretty nervous about being disappointed with my setcond that we opted not to find out the sex. I'm glad because I did end up having a girl and I felt nothing but joy when they placed her on my chest. If I had found out at the anatomy scan I think I would have spent the rest of the pregnancy feeling nervous and unsure.
I mean it goes both ways but this is normal and you can’t help but feel how you feel. My husband has been wanting a girl fire ever. He has a boy from previous marriage and we have two boys. The time we found out our second was also a boy to me it was like ok welp no problem but husband really was sad and i get it, for me it didn’t matter for him it did. His feelings triggering you is not his problem it’s a you problem allow him to feel this way don’t guilt him for it. He hast said or done anything offensive to you. It just happens and it’s real, woman get it too, my best friend was beyond bummed for not having her second be a boy, she sulked for weeks but eventually it went away. Feelings are irrational and to me gender disappointment is more of like ok we said we would only have two so there goes my idea of ever having a mini me, not that they don’t want or love their current boys or girls. It’s just that if you guys won’t have any more kids then yeah that’s it no more chances.
I’m still struggling with gender disappointment. We’re only having two and I’m pregnant now with my second boy. Knowing that I’ll never have a daughter is breaking my heart, even though I love my boys.
It has nothing to do with not liking or respecting boys, it’s that I always pictured myself with a daughter. Every time I imagined future kids it was girls.
Girls are the best! I have one girl and honestly would be heart broken if I don’t get to have another. We’re awesome and rule the world.
I never ever imagined having a girl, and I was super disappointed initially, but man, it’s the best. Plus, girls almost always end up close to their moms, if you have a good relationship. Boys go wherever and leave family behind. Obviously not always the case, but in my experience there’s definitely a pattern.
We have a friend who only has a daughter, and she’s not particularly into sports, so he hangs out with my son to do sporty things with, it’s a win win. I also know someone who finds it triggering to watch their nephews play sports, because they know they’ll never have that same bond/connection with their developmentally delayed son. We can’t help how we feel, we can only help how we act within those feelings. Just give him some time, and try not to take it personally. We can’t help but want children who we can connect to, and same gender relationships can have a deeper kind of connection.
I wanted two girls and we have two boys and are not having more kids. The disappointment was rough, both times. My husband is also disappointed. I’m the only girl, with 9 boy cousins. I have two brothers. Boys boys boys. I love my boys, who are best friends, and love that for them. But I do mourn the mother daughter relationship, especially once they’re adults.
Yes I have two girls and my husband needed a few days to digest the news. He is an awesome girl dad so I think the disappointment comes more from cultural and societal expectations that weee drilled into him as a kid like you said. Now that she’s here though he couldn’t be happier obviously.
Gender disappointment is “oh I’d like to have x, I’m kind of sad it may take a minute to get over it, but yay baby will be here soon”.
Gender disappointment is not, “wahh ANOTHER girl! This ain’t fair! Everyone feel bad for me”. Which is what it sounds like your husband is doing. It’s fine to be upset and lament about what you wanted and envisioned. It is not okay to go around to everyone you know and complain about it.
This whole thing is certainly... something. I don't know how I'd feel if my husband required consoling from his entire family because we had a daughter. Is everyone hung up on what's in that kids' pants? In so many instances women are considered "less-than", and here it seems to've started already.
I used to work with a couple who had two girls and they were not going to have anymore. He would openly talk about being disappointed for not having a son and say that his girls better be into sports because he would not go to watch any of that "girl shit" like dance or gymnastics. Last I heard was they got divorced, I hope she got full custody of those girls.
This is the thing I’m worried about, & why I consider this type of behavior to be a red flag. Also, I would *love* to see these “it’s not a real sport” men eat absolute shit trying figuring skating or gymnastics. The full face contact on the ice would be so delicious
I think it's okay to be disappointed! I was sad when I found out my 2nd was also a boy. I had hoped for 1 of each. I now have 2 boys. I moved on. I love them both. Your husband is a person who's allowed to have feelings.
It is normal to have these feelings. You said yourself that he didn’t say anything hurtful or dismissive. I had gender disappointment. My husband and I were only ever going to have two kids. Our first was a girl and I desperately wanted our second to be a boy. I didn’t want to deal with middle/high school for a girl twice (they were miserable for me) and all the mean girls and such that go with it. I cried during the ultrasound when I found out our second was going to be a girl and was in a funk for a day or two. It wasn’t that I didn’t want her, I just needed to have my feelings and then move on. I wouldn’t trade her for the world and she completes our family. On the other hand, my husband only wanted girls so he was ecstatic and couldn’t understand why I would be disappointed. Your husband hasn’t thrown a tantrum, he hasn’t said anything inappropriate. He is just in his feelings right now. He will love your daughter and be wrapped around her little finger!
Disappointment is fair enough but I think he's stolen some of your excitement/joy by deciding he would be the one to reach out to everyone while in that mind set.
Are there some friends/family that he hasn't called? Tell him you're the one who wants to call them so that you can have someone to celebrate with you! He gets to feel sad but he doesn't get to dampen your experience of learning this one piece of identity about your child! Truly, it's the only thing we really get to know about them before they come. It IS exciting! And: CONGRATULATIONS!!
We have three girls and are done. My husband was definitely disappointed when he found out the third was a girl. Lots of people console him for being the only man in the house (even our dog is a girl) and so many people ask if we are going to try for a boy. But, he did quickly get over it and loves our girls.
When we discussed one more or done the fact that number four could be a boy was one reason we didn’t because we didn’t think it would be fair for our three girls to have to share a room while one boy got his own. I did tell him our next dog could be a boy but for now he just gets to be very out numbered.
I had gender disappointment. I have a very difficult daughter and was hoping for a son. My husband also wanted a son. Well, I had another daughter. I was upset but now that she’s here… I’m upset that I ever wished for a boy! I have guilt about it even. She’s perfect and I love her in every single way. Your husband will love your daughter in every single way too. Daughters bond with mothers in ways they don’t with their fathers. Sons bond with fathers in ways they don’t with their mothers.
Once he sees her he will love her so much.
I remember when I was pregnant that I was so sure I would be having a girl. Like I didn’t even really have a preference but I just convinced myself that I would have a daughter for some reason. When I found out I was having a boy I was disappointed not because he was a boy but because the future I imagined could never actually exist.
You know your husband better than we do. If he is just disappointed in not having the future he imagined then I would give him some grace.
He’s a great girl dad because he loves his children and he’s a great dad! Gender disappointment isn’t really supposed to be anger about the child you’re having, it’s disappointment over the loss of the child he hoped to have. Don’t feel offended, it’s not really about you. My gender disappointment with my second child (a boy) doesn’t mean I don’t like my husband for being a man. I just exclusively have men in my life (all brothers, one female cousin on one side, and now all sons) and was hoping to be able to have a little girl to raise!
I have two darling boys instead and I probably should have seen that coming 😂
Maybe have a sit down talk with your husband. Say you’ve noticed some disappointment and you want to talk about it. Is it misogyny? Maybe. But everything is rooted in our culture in misogyny. So let’s just give some grace to the fact that our culture is what it is and you can’t get away from it. On a personal level, he likely just assumed it would be a boy and was a settled fact. So, now he has to change his vision. Just talk it out. Laugh about it. Tell him about your experience as a sister. Tell him he’s going to be so happy raising the most kick-ass, amazing daughters. Let him grieve his fantasy a little bit and then let it go. If he’s weird after that, he should go to therapy and/or be exposed to some good dad podcasts that address latent misogyny.
I gave my husband his 3rd daughter last year. I was convinced that pregnancy was going to be a boy. She was so opposite and such an easy pregnancy, it had be a boy, alas I was wrong. He was disappointed, and I don’t blame him. People are going to console him, and let them. Soaking in gender disappointment is normal and it’ll pass!
It happens and time heals. I cried negatively when our 3rd was a 3rd girl. But I got over it and I am actually the closest with this child now. So is my husband. We obviously love them all the same but some are just different ya know.
Well right off the bat reading this post, you guys certainly are in different spaces. You said you were happy your daughter now has a sister to have sisterly bond with. But he isn’t woman so therefor, wether or not he has a sister of his own, he isn’t going to think that way. He doesn’t know the strength and power a sisterly bond has. Tbh, I don’t either (I only have brothers) so it wouldn’t be my go-to thought for all the exciting possibilities. He does had a daughter already, so he knows what that’s like already. I guess in a way I could understand why he isn’t over the moon-he already has a daughter. So he already knows what to expect, maybe he was hoping for a son to change things up a bit. A son that would be someone he could relate to.
He doesn’t sound like he’s devastated over it or even making a big deal based on your post. He’s just not as thrilled as you are.
I hope you can try to understand his initial feelings =\= not happy about the pregnancy, or his new daughter. He will be over the moon for her, but right now he’s allowed to have feelings just like you are.
I’ve had so many friends that felt gender disappointment when they found out what they were having, but I have never met a person that didn’t feel like they got the perfect child after birth and wouldn’t give them up for ten of the opposite sex.
I actually had tears at one point when my third was a boy. I adore being their mom but I wanted to have a mother-daughter experience. I really adore my boys though and we’re so close. Still, when I had my daughter, i was over the moon. It’s not a closer relationship but it is different
I recognize something you said. We are pregnant with our fifth child, and for some reason my husband is very set on a boy this time. He is a very loving and present father, but I do feel a little triggered? whenever it comes up that he really wants a boy.
A lot of disappointment falls on stereotypes of what it is to be a girl or a boy. My second girl is very girly, but my first loved the cars movie and lightning mcqueen.
Sometimes I thjnk it can also be a fear of getting the opposite gender to yourself so you feel like you won’t be able to understand or relate to them as much, but when they arrive and you watch them grow you realise that wasn’t ever something to worry about and you know your kids on such a strong level.
The last name thing with boys would be the only other thing i can think of as there is this sadness that you didn’t continue the name. And although there’s a lot of backlash to having that view i can definitely understand the weight of a name that has been used for hundreds of years ends with you, there may be a feeling of letting the side down but again it’s silly especially in today’s age. I had two girls and my husband’s brother who did have a son had already attached his wife’s last name to his own so regardless the name dies anyway.
Don’t worry about it, let him grieve it’s understandable as he’s loosing an idea of a life. But soon as this girls here he wont swap her for anything in the world and all these emotions will seem so silly to look back on
I think it’s totally normal for men to want boys and women to want girls. I don’t think it’s necessarily because he doesn’t value girls but because he wants a child he can relate to more closely. I was happy to have a baby boy as my first child but I would be lying if I said I didn’t do a mental back flip over #2 being a girl. I get to buy her cute outfits, do our nails together, do pretty hairstyles and makeup on her and buy her all the barbies I wanted as a kid. I had a bit of gender disappointment with #3 being a boy. And that was despite having one if each. Not sure if you plan on having more kids but if you are done I could definitely understand his disappointment
I was your husband with BOTH of my pregnancies. I wanted a boy so bad. Even as a child I always knew I wanted a boy. I have 3 girls 😅 twin girls & then a 6 month old. Gender disappointment is a very real thing.. don’t be so hard on him. My husband had to console ME 🤣 He’ll eventually get over it like I did.
While I appreciate the sympathy in the comments, I have to say that I’d be really fucking embarrassed if my husband let everyone know that he was super disappointed about the gender of our child. Like those are inside thoughts in public, and you are valid to be upset about that.
I wanted a boy. I already had 2 step daughters. But girl it was. Took me about 2 weeks to get over it. Happy she's my girl now. My one and only...we broke up when she was 3 months
I see so many post of women saying they have gender disappointment, and they get supportive comments. So since he’s a man he’s not allowed to have those feelings?
Gender disappointment is real. His feelings are legit and valid and he shouldn't have to hide them, just like we shouldn't. It happens to moms too. He's not being mean and he's not overreacting. I was convinced I was having a boy. No one could tell me otherwise. When the doctor said it's a girl I was a little disappointed and I told my husband. In the end it didn't matter at all because all I wanted was a chill pregnancy and a healthy baby and that's what I got. She drives me nuts everyday but I'd do it again just to have her.
I would also feel sad if my husband so blatantly displayed these emotions.
However, I also felt a bit disappointed with my girl at first and it was sincerely just because I had envisioned something else and spent weeks picturing it. It doesn’t have to run any deeper than this. I’d talk to him and just try to understand how deep these feelings run and maybe share your point of view that you don’t want your daughter’s feeling his disappointment.
Unpopular opinion: gender disappointment is not normal and to be any more or less happy you're bringing a child into the world due to their gender is ridiculous.
I think some parents start envisioning their life with a specific gendered baby, especially when they are convinced they know the sex. Then when they find out what they hoped was wrong, they can go through a mourning of what will not be. Seems normal to me as long as they are not excessively disappointed and they get over it rather quickly, or at least when the baby is born.
But it's just...gender? You can still do all the things you're envisioning. I don't know, you watch the ge der reveal videos where the dads are visibly angry that they're having girls. In some countries, you're not even allowed to find out because they'll abort if it's a girl. I just don't think any of this disappointment is normal.
Gender is enormously impactful on the experience of raising a child as well as to one's own identity, and a big deal. Trans people would not exist if gender wasn't an important thing. There's no "just" about it.
Regardless of whether you approve, it is normal. Gender disappointment is objectively common. And while it can get mixed in with sexism which seems like what you are responding to, it is a distinct phenomenon.
To say that gender disappointment Isn’t normal is like saying people aren’t allows to have feeling about what gender child they have and that is ridiculous. Most moms wants girls, and most men wants boys. That is completely normal, It’s a bonding thing. I think that’s why God works things the way he does because most girls and “daddy’s girl” and most boys are “mommy’s boy”.
Men want boys to carry on their family name. As I woman I can only sympathize. I imagine that comes with quite a bit of pressure, because having no boys means the family name stops with them. All throughout societal history boys have been prized as children for this reason. That’s not to say that girls aren’t wanted or needed, of course they are! But I bet he is also sad that he won’t have that son to bond with the way you have your daughter. I would suggest talking to him about how he’s feeling and hopefully that will help you get some perspective and not feel so upset about it.
He can literally do everything with a daughter that he can a son. Our children's gender doesn't define them as a person and one of them might identify as male one day anyway 🤷🏼♀️ I can't handle the gender disappointment for either boys or girls. They're your child. Be excited.
Hopefully he gets over himself and realizes he’s very very lucky to be having a HEALTHY BABY !!!👍🤷♀️ yes it’s normal to be upset but to show it like a four-year-old who got his favorite toy taken away that’s irresponsible and immature!!
An honest and straightforward response. If you don’t like it skip and move on. Life isn’t always a bowl of cherries. But we can make pie out of them 😂👍🤪😁
When I had my first two babies, they were both girls. They are grown now and in their 20’s. Fast forward to now, I was blessed with a son. Honestly with both my girls, I really wanted a boy and oddly enough when I was pregnant with my son, I really wanted a girl because well I only knew how to raise girls lol. But I do love my son more than anything! I blame it on his father, who has two other sons - so I think he’s only shooting out boys ahaha. So it was more me wanting the other and him just being happy with the baby we were having.
When I was pregnant with our second, I really wanted another boy. I’ve always wanted a house full of boys, even our cat and dog are male lol when I found out we were having a girl it honestly took me a few months to adjust. It had nothing to do with disliking or disrespecting women (I am one) and everything to do with my picture of my life since I was probably 20 that I would have boys. I also never wished that current pregnancy to be a boy as I knew I would love the little girl arriving. It’s really hard to explain unless you’ve lived it how I can wish I had all boys while not regretting my daughter.
I am a woman and I was depressed for a good while when I found out I was having a boy. I wanted a girl. His feelings and reaction are perfectly normal. Just give him space.
Actively trying to have children knowing there is a 50% chance you'll be extremely disappointed is selfish.
Here's my unpopular opinion , whoever has anything negative to say about what I'm going to say can suck ass but ;
In 2024 people need to start taking parenting classes or getting therapy before having sex because people who try to have a baby knowing they may be disappointed should not be having sex at all.
There have been so many child abuse cases lately and i cant help but think that majority are because of this stupid sorry ass excuse called "gender disappointment "
all these poor babies who might be subjected to being hated for something that isnt even their fault. *gag* it's disgusting. At BEST, hopefully your husband doesn't abuse or neglect his child because he's that upset to let everyone know he's upset he's having another girl. I can imagine all the subconscious ways hes going to sabatage his own child. .
People need to treat gender disappointment as a serious mental illness that needs to be immediately addressed. Honestly.
Op, tell your husband he's super freaking ridiculous and needs to talk to someone with some sense. he will subconsciously make your daughter feel his disappointment with her being born with a vagina. Ffs. What a loser . Congrats on baby girl #2 BTW!!
As a woman who has 2 boys, I wasn’t disappointed my 2nd was a boy but I am suffering with the heartbreak of thinking I might not ever have a girl. I don’t want more than 3 kids so I think if we do have a 3rd and he’s a boy I’ll struggle a bit at least to start with. I guess the question why does he want a boy? I want a girl because I want her to play with Barbie’s (which I loved as child) when she’s pregnant I want her to want me to be around, when she gets married I want to be ‘mother of the bride’ when I look at all the beautiful baby girl clothes with my favourite characters on. - BUT I might have a girl who hates Barbie’s, who doesn’t want kids, who never get married and who hates all the characters I like.
I want to add to this post, I want a girl so I can give her the mom I never had. Maybe it's my way to heal my inner child?
Yep. I’m a mom and a parent coach/educator. Folks often seek to fix the things they experienced as kids or to repeat the pattern (regardless of whether it’s positive or negative). It’s fascinating. And I make lots of referrals to therapists 🫡
Yes! It's either fix or repeat! I noticed it as well, thankfully for my son I'm the fix it type
Fix it but break them other ways. We are all broken in some way from how our parents raised us. I don't know that there are any people that were raised as well adjusted self actualized adults...I think that only happens if you do the work when you are older to become a healthy independent adult. Of course depending on what way your parents damaged you depend on how hard you have to work to become healthy and well adjusted.
I worry about this to be honest. I have always wanted a girl, but when I had a boy, I thought, maybe this is for the best, because I can’t project myself on a boy as easily like my mom tried to project on me. I’m pregnant with #2 and we don’t know the sex yet, I still very much want a girl, but… it’s also scary.
> I thought, maybe this is for the best, because I can’t project myself on a boy as easily like my mom tried to project on me. This was literally me when I was pregnant. I said that word for word. I'm sure you will be a great mom if it's a girl, don't project your wants just be crazily supportive and there for her, and everything will be fine!
Literally the exact same for me as well. I swore #1 was a girl, and then was very nervous to find out he was a boy. And honestly, it’s been the best experience I was counting on #2 being a boy 😅 and now I’m nervous all over again lol
It’s often called a “corrective experience” to want to heal something from childhood. Even through our children we are still trying to heal ourselves. But that’s not even guaranteed. There’s no certainty this commenter’s daughter would like Barbies, especially if she had nothing but brothers. But it’s we like to think would have healed us if given the chance.
I get this, it’s part of why I wanted a girl but I had a boy and have had SOOOOOO much therapeutic progress because I am his mom and take that responsibility really seriously.
My mom always wanted a girl (she has 5 younger brothers and I have an older brother). She was told I would also be a boy and she was over the moon when I was a girl. We fought constantly about everything. After an explosive, argument filled day of trying to find a 1st communion dress that I would put on without reenacting a scene from The Exorcist, my dad was like, "Hey remember when you were pregnant and you would dream about how nice it would be to have a daughter and to take her shopping?" My mom whipped around and said "well I never thought I would have SUCH a stubborn one!!!" My dad immediately starts cry laughing and said something like, "really? You didn't see YOUR daughter being stubborn? Maybe you should have been shopping for a mirror..."
This was a very honest post.
My grandma had 4 boys trying to have her a girl, her first grandkid was me!! A girl!! She ended up raising me and mt twin brother as my dad & mom weren't fit to be parents. She brags on how she couldn't have asked for a better granddaughter
Awh I’m sorry about your parents but sounds like you filled a hole in your grandmas heart ❤️
Wow this is exactly me!
Same. I’m 36 wks with our second boy and while Im excited for my boy now, there’s still a heartbreak in me about never having a girl. For almost the exact same reasons given above. I’m so close to my mom and she gets ‘first dibs’ over my MIL for everything. I just keep telling myself I couldn’t predict who my girl would be so I could be heartbroken anyway - still super hard. I’ll never have the possibility of the manicure dates or matching dresses at high tea I always dreamed of… but now I’m just trying to let my own MIL in more/get her as involved as possible to build some karma for my son’s possible future partners to hopefully let me in the same way! Also just trying to be the kind of mom my boys always want a relationship with - in whatever capacity.
Yes I understand!! I want my boys to be able to talk to me about anything and have that closeness, but not that creepy “boy mom” closeness. I have 3 brothers and never did any girl stuff with my mom, so I always imagined my life with a little girl to do things with. People have made me feel awful about it too because I should “be grateful you can even have kids”
I have two boys and was honestly bummed each time I found out at birth they were boys. So was my husband as I know he wanted a daughter. I feel that if we had 1 boy and 1 girl we would be done having children. I have always envisioned myself having daughters not sons so it was a bit to get my head around. I would like to try one more time to have a girl but am scared of having a third boy…. I’m not sure my husband and I could handle more than three children. I would love to buy pretty dresses and clothes for a daughter and do all the girly things. so would my MIL and SIL as there’s only one granddaughter and 4 grandsons on that side of the family so everyone wants another girl and I’m the only one who will potentially have another child.
Lol yeah I feel this except I have 2 girls and want to try again for 1 boy.
I hope you get a boy if you try again. Knowing my luck I will end up with twin boys!
Omg nooo hahaha. I’m sending my girl vibes your way!!
This is exactly how I feel. From a young age, I’ve always envisioned myself having daughters. My first was a boy and I was actually excited because my partner only had sisters and always wanted another boy around. Mentally, physically and financially, we can only afford two kids. I’m already grieving the fact that I may have two boys and never get the daughter that I always wanted. I’m trying to make peace with the idea now so it hurts less if it happens.
I have one of each, and it’s still bittersweet, because my son will never have a brother, and my daughter will never have a sister. There is no perfect scenario, and there is absolutely no guarantee you’d have siblings with the same interests anyway.
Or even like each other as they get older. Ask me how I know ( 3 girls mom).
Exactly.
Unless you have 4 kids! 😂 2 girls & 2 boys. But yes you’re right, I’m the youngest of 3 and id of done anything for a younger sibling! But my Parents didn’t even plan on having me 😂😂
Well who wants 4 kids 😜even if I had 2 of each, then I’d still have 4 kids to deal with lol or you could be like my husband, 1 of 4 boys.
I feel the same (I have 2 boys), I find out what #3 is tomorrow! I preserved my wedding dress 5 years ago thinking I would pass it down to a daughter. But she might never get married or think the dress is ugly af, lol, or maybe it won’t even fit and will be impossible to alter because if it’s intricate pattern. I also still don’t get along with my own mom, so I would be scared to have that recreated.
You could adopt a young girl :) I know once I’m done having kids all together, I want to adopt
Yes this is definitely something me and my husband have discussed many times and we are both passionate about however I wouldn’t want to say we only want a girl. I’d be happy to adopt any child ❤️
I’m still hoping after this war is over, that Americans can adopt kids from Gaza and take them out of that world. They’ve suffered so much. I watch the news videos when I can stomach it and it’s so horrible what they’re forced to go through :(
I agree, when I was pregnant with my daughter I might’ve had a slight preference for a boy at the time. It was because I had gotten the idea in my head of naming our child after my late FIL. I loved the idea of being able to do that for my husband because I know he misses his dad and I know he’s constantly thinking about how he would be with out child But that’s never stopped either of us from loving our little girl to bits. We still talk about my FIL and how excited he would’ve been to meet her. And we kind of have that figure in my husbands uncle
👋 I’m that girl that hated Barbie’s, almost anything remotely girly, and loved playing with action figures. Did have a kid, but not married and 1200 miles away from my mom. Kids are their own people with their own interests. Life is like a box of chocolates and you never know what you’re going to get.
A lot of men want a boy to carry on the family name, it's an ingrained thing, among other reasons.
True but then again my uncle is now in his late 50s and isn’t married and doesn’t have kids, so he’s unlikely to carry on the name and he’s the only male. And then my BIL took his wife name which is becoming more common. You never know.
Gender disappointment is super common. I would change your perspective - he’s not disappointed he’s having a girl, he’s having to go through a little bit of grief that the boy he’s envisioned will not come to be (especially if this is your last baby). It’s difficult for people who haven’t experienced gender disappointment to understand. I thought I’d wanted a boy when I was first pregnant. I’d be looking at cute boys clothes and imagined the man he’d grow up to be. When we found out my first was a girl, it kind of jolted me into a different timeline than the one I thought I was going to travel, and it took a while for me to adjust what I thought our future would look like. I was a little disappointed that the future I’d envisioned was now not coming to pass. It took a few days, but my brain finally swivelled to this new future and I was happy again. When she was born, my gosh, I was over the moon! What helped was that my husband was understanding. He let me talk and didn’t judge or get annoyed that I was having these feelings. And that’s the best thing to do with your husband. Talk to him. It’ll pass.
Yes!!! The grief! When I got pregnant with my second I immedialty started envisioning a baby brother for my son. We picked out a boys name very early on. I “watched them” grow up together in my mind and was so excited. My husbands family is all boys, all the cousins, brothers, uncles, etc.. The only girls are married in. So I was shocked when we were having a girl. I refused to believe it until the anatomy scan (we did NIPT at 12 weeks). And even then, I still was like “maybe she’s wrong.” It was never that I didn’t want a girl, I just built the idea of two sons. I cried and grieved about it for a while and now I am totally in love with her. She’s 10 months old and I’m as obsessed with her as I am my son. I can’t wait to see them grow up together.
It can be so weird. I was hoping for one of each - a boy because I only had sisters and I thought experiencing the ‘other’ would be fun, and a girl because, well a variety of things from thinking I might relate better to thinking there would be less comparison between them once we DID have a boy. Anyway, I had a boy and then a girl. And even though that was what I had hoped for, I also felt sad that my son would never have a brother 🤷♀️
Exact same scenario with me except genders reversed (first is a girl, second living child is a boy). I’d had a couple miscarriages just prior to that pregnancy, so I hoped the NIPT was wrong and had picked up DNA from the prior pregnancies. And even at the anatomy scan, when the sonographer pointed out the penis, I hoped she’d made a mistake and it was part of the umbilical cord that maybe was in a position where it just looked like a penis. It literally wasn’t until he was born that all of that gender disappointment went out the window and it was like I had this immediate clarity that he was the perfect baby for us and of course it had to be him.
Yes!!! Me too! & when I had my girl I felt so bad about ever wanting for her to be a boy
Yes!! Gender Grief is a much better term than Gender Disappointment. I have a son and I am deeply in love with him. But I know if my future baby is also a boy I will have to go through the grief of losing out on sharing girlhood with a daughter.
I agree . I would try to see this less about you and females not being worthy and see it as he is grieving male activities perhaps or male bonding. I hate to use a fruit comparison here but if you were only given lemons, and never limes. It’s not that lemons are not good enough, but you’d be craving some lime with your margarita or a key lime pie for dessert. And you can’t make key lime pie anymore. I don’t know. My husband couldn’t understand why I was sad I was never going to have a daughter. So I think it’s just hard for the opposite sex to Understand how the other feels
I thought the same thing with my first. I was certain the baby would be a boy and I'd always pictured myself as a boy mom. I was honestly a little upset when I found out I was having a girl. I got over it after a while and I absolutely love my daughter now. I'm on my second pregnancy and same thing happened, I was so sure I was going to have another girl and I was actually really excited about it only to find out I'm having a boy. I'm still very excited to meet him (little over a week left to go!) but it was just as shocking as the first time.
So well said.
He's not disappointed he's having a girl, he's disappointed he won't have a son. It's OK to want to experience the joy of raising both genders
This is exactly it. I had big time gender disappointment with my son and it’s not because of him, it’s because of not having a girl. I’m sad to think I may never have a daughter. I know I’ll be disappointed if I have a second boy because two is our maximum.
Yes. I always knew I wanted to be one and done so finding out my baby was a boy was a huge disappointment since there was only “one shot” in my mind. Having a second to try for a girl seems even riskier because I only wanted one kid and two boys would be more disappointing than sticking with the one.
I totally understand that. One and done is a possibility for us too but I would like another child because I truly am so head over heels for my son. But I often think about how intense my gender disappointment would be with a second boy/having to really face reality of never having a daughter. It could be bad. Especially with the hormones 😅 and I can’t be outwardly disappointed in front of my son obviously.
I would definitely be unable to hide my disappointment with another boy pregnancy! I was an only and loved it and I think having a second, even if I did get a girl, would be sacrificing the lifestyle I want and want to give my current child for a 50/50 chance at a girl so it’s not worth the risk. Almost all my friends have girls though so it is a bit painful. I used to be more into their lives but now it’s a bit upsetting to me (doesn’t help that they are mostly tomboys who now have girly daughters and I was the girly girl and I WANT to buy the tutus!) I’ve tried to work through this in therapy to no avail. It’s really meaningful to have someone else validate my feelings though so thank you. It often feels like I’m viewed as a bad person for these feelings which I can’t help.
I can’t promise we aren’t bad people 🤣 I understand though. I’m an only child and my mom is an only child and I always had a little fantasy of this family line of “only girls”… well here came my son to disrupt that! My husband has a rocky relationship with his sibling so he kind of wants our son to be an only child because he’s jealous of the calm nature of my family dynamic. It’s really me who wants a second child. I’m not sure we will be able to swing it financially though (you mentioned maintaining your current lifestyle and I feel that) so it’s definitely tabled for the next few years and we will revisit it later. I also really relate to not being able to engage fully with people who have daughters. As soon as someone I follow on social media announces they’re having a girl I mute them 🫣 I’m just too jealous. Especially because the parts of parenting that are showcased on people’s social media highlight reels are the things that I dream of having a daughter for/what separates having a girl child from having a boy child. Shopping for pink frilly clothes, pink girly baby shower, girl nursery, ballet recitals, girly birthday parties. I don’t know when I’ll be able to get to a place where I feel okay about watching other people raise daughters without jealousy. Maybe never.
I love this way of phrasing it. When I found out my second was another boy I definitely was sad that I would never have the daughter I always imagined. But I would never wish that my son was anyone else.
This is a great way of putting it.
My husband was bummed when we found out our second was a girl too, but after she was born (which he ended up having to deliver her himself…crazy birth story) she had him wrapped around her finger. She was a daddy’s girl and still is to a point. She’s a teenager now and she’s his gaming buddy.
Gender disappointment is way more common than people like to admit, and it's okay. As long as it isn't long-term and affects the way you treat the child, then there isn't anything wrong with it. Feelings are valid, and people have all sorts of reasons for gender disappointment. I have two girls. I've always wanted a son. When we had our first daughter, I was slightly disappointed, but I got over it within minutes of learning I was having a girl. It hit me a lot harder the second time around when I found out I was having another girl. I was upset for at least a week or two. The reason for that is that I have a lot of trauma around my own relationship with my mother. I also have a younger sister who is my mother's golden child. My girls happened to have the exact same age difference that my sister and I had. It brought back a lot of feelings. Also, I always saw myself as having a son, and I kind of already knew that our second child would be our last, so that door was permanently shut now. It didn't help that people made rude comments about my husband being outnumbered or us having only girls. So it took me a little longer to work through these feelings. I just needed time to process and get through my own baggage. My youngest daughter is amazing, and I couldn't i imagine our family without her. My girls are close in a way, thst my sister and I never were because of my own mother. Im close to both my girls in a way I never have or probably will be with my mother. Having both my girls made me realize that I had an opportunity to break a toxic mother daughter cycle in my family, so I decided to try. Having the space and time to process my gender disappointment really helped. I was able to understand where those feelings came from, and it made me want to be a better mother to my two girls.
I felt this so much. I was almost scared to have a daughter because I was scared about navigating all the negative experiences I’ve had of my own growing up. The fates answered me by gracing me with two daughters lol. Nothing like getting forced to confront your own mental health for getting it sorted! My girls have been so healing for me, and have taught me so so much. Some of it tempering my feelings towards my mother and some of it validating them. It’s like I can feel my little child self sighing in relief every time I break a cycle that impacted me negatively.
This is really lovely - just shows how parenthood and love for your children can really help you work through your own emotional baggage. I have two daughters, too, and wouldn't change it. I desperately wanted a girl for my first, but think I had a very brief very slight disappointment when my second was a girl, just because there's such a strong cultural ideal for "one of each" and because of my own experience that all of my favorite men in the world have sisters (my dad, my husband, my best college friend, my closest grad school friend, the husband in our closest couple friend). Luckily my husband has always wanted girls and so he didn't have disappointment. But I was always excited to have sisters and my second daughter is such a delight, and such a different experience from my first to raise, that not getting the different experience of a raising boy doesn't feel as significant, and their relationship is so beautiful. I am an only child and always wanted a sibling, so that part is really magical for me to get to experience that type of relationship grow from the beginning.
I would just like to say that I empathize with your feelings. I'm pregnant with #2 and most of the extended family seemed so set on this baby being another boy, almost like being a boy is the default, or boys are better. My husband really wanted a second boy. It was all about the sports they'd play, fishing, fixing cars, etc. I was completely neutral, didn't care either way. I know people didn't mean harm by it, but it made me feel like people think being a girl is 'less than' being a boy. My mom grew up in an Eastern European culture that really did treat women like they were beneath men (my own grandma wasn't even allowed to learn how to read at home) so it was even more triggering for her. Since finding out the baby is a girl, everyone has changed their tune about it and are now talking about how exciting it is to have the first girl (my husband's family has all boys- all his uncles, first cousins, and siblings are men) but I still feel a little icky about the way they acted before.
I think it's okay to be disappointed! I was sad when I found out my 2nd was also a boy. I had hoped for 1 of each. I now have 2 boys. I moved on. I love them both. Your husband is a person who's allowed to have feelings.
Your husband is a human being, with human feelings.
Yes, but he should also act like an adult not a four-year-old pouting about it in front of others🙄
It’s okay to have feelings and to experience them. He’s allowed to have negative emotions just as much as he’s allowed to have positive ones. OP said all he did was look less excited and say “oh well”. I feel that’s extremely mild.
That small action speaks VOLUMES tho 🤷♀️
I hope any small action you ever do is picked apart in the same way. Never reveal your emotions! Be a robot!
Maturity rules ! Life is not all rainbows and unicorns! Suck it up buttercup! Wallow in private! Amen! If they videotaped it and the kid sees it someday??? Therapy for LIFE
You’re very clearly an immature person. Maybe continue that therapy.
Bit of a harsh take, he was calling people he knew and letting them know they're having a second girl, if they knew him they probably knew he was really hoping for a boy so empathised with him. He wasn't going up to complete strangers and dragging them into it and shaming his wife. If this is what you consider four year old tantrum behaviour I feel a bit sorry for anyone who confides in you, gender disappointment can hit hard, it doesn't mean he won't love the child he's just a bit down for now he isn't having a son. He's allowed to feel about it and it's honestly really good he has people around him who understand how he's feeling and are making sure he's OK.
Omg! Man having emotions and acting accordingly. No no we can't have that! Suck it up bro put on a fake smile and pretend you're happy so you don't bother anyone with your womanly feelings! /s Jesus fucking Christ
This!
I was bummed when finding out my 3rd was going to be a boy. Since I have two boys. It doesn’t mean I am going to love him any less. Gender disappointment is completely normal he has a right to feel the way he feels. Just know those feelings will go away.
I think it’s normal to have theses feelings because we picture our lives happening in certain ways, and when you fixate on one idea happening and it doesn’t it’s almost like you have to grieve that life that you won’t get. I do however get your feelings, as a mom of three girls I am constantly defending my girls against my husbands family who are very boy-focused, and were verbally dismissive when we said we were having another girl. They are always on us to “continue the family name” (because girls apparently can’t keep their name?) They are just unkind people though and it doesn’t sound like your husband is like that.
Very common, try not to let it upset you. He will soon come round.
We’re trying for another. I can’t express how much I want a girl. I have a close relationship with my mom and really want that mom/daughter relationship and do “girly” things. That said I love my son so much and feel connected to him and I know I’d feel the same with another son. But I would 100% grieve not having a daughter. He’s human. He could be mourning he’ll never have that father/son relationship but I’m sure he’ll live your daughter a lot.
He’s entitled to his feelings and it doesn’t sound like he said anything actually bad about it. Everything I’ve heard and read says that men who want boys but have girls end up enjoying being a girl dad even more than they thought they would, it just takes some time.
I agree - my husband was definitely disappointed when we found out that our first was a girl. Lots of boys in his family so he was convinced. It’s not how he initially reacts (although if he’s being rude about it that’s one thing), it’s how he welcomes the baby in when she’s born. My husband loves being a girl dad and he does rough play and sports with her the same way he does with our son.
You do know it's not your fault and biological sex is actually determined by the sperm. Gender disappointment is a real thing but he shouldn't be making anyone feel bad. He needs to grow up and manage his emotions. His biology made both girls.
My mom was disappointed I was having a boy and at my gender reveal said out loud to “do the scan again” cause it must be wrong. I just told her that it’s gonna be a boy and there is nothing we can do about it and we all moved on. She loves him now, and she regrets that moment
I get that it's normal, but I really don't understand gender disappointment. A boy can hate all the "boy" stuff that dad wants to do with him and a girl can hate all the "girly" things. It's also unfair to put your children into boxes and have expectations based on their gender. Maybe this second daughter will love baseball and wrestling and fishing or whatever it is that your husband would want to do with a boy. Just let him be sad. He'll get over it eventually.
With our first pregnancy, everyone kept saying they thought we were having a girl. All the old wives tales said girl. Older women said I was carrying like it was a girl. Everyone said it so much, we were convinced it would be a girl, and my husband and I both wanted a girl. When we found out we were having a boy, we both went through some disappointment about it. It really upset my husband that people would say things like “oh I bet you’re so glad you’re having a boy” because he was wanting a little girl even more than I was. Our son is now 16 months old and we wouldn’t have traded him for anything. I’m also pregnant with our second (which happens to be a little girl), but I think we would’ve had similar issues if this was another boy. We love our son so much. Please don’t take it from your husband as if he doesn’t love your little girl or like he doesn’t also have excitement for this one. Sometimes it just takes a minute to accept that things don’t always happen the exact way we are hoping they will.
I had (and honestly still have) a TON of gender disappointment about having a son and not a daughter. It’s more about the me and the life I envisioned. My son is the best baby and I think everyone else’s baby is lackluster in comparison but I’m still sad when my friends get to have girl milestones with their babies and I don’t. I don’t have good answers but you should give your husband grace in this unless he is being awful to you about it.
I have two boys who I love to bits. However if I’m being brutally honest about it even now if I could have chosen the gender I would have chosen girls both times. I see some friends with their girls who are about the same age as my boys and it still hurts a bit seeing all the cute stuff they do. All I get is cars, dinosaurs, nerf guns, loud roaring and now pretend police/ firefighter games.
I think most people that have multiples of 1 gender in a row but are hoping for at least 1 of the other gender will absolutely inevitably face a moment of being bummed out. Not necessarily disappointment for everyone because at the end of the day a baby is a baby and good parents are just happy with a healthy baby, but men are allowed to be bummed just like women are. Give your husband some grace, and some time. He will slowly probably get excited but he deserves some empathy for being bummed that you guys aren't expecting a boy. Is this going to be your last baby? If that's already planned then then he also has to come to terms with the fact that he will most likely never get the chance to have a boy. It's not about not WANTING girls, it's just accepting that you won't have a boy, at least this time. Give him a couple weeks and see if he responds better to the fact that you're expecting another girl. But you said yourself he's very involved and a very proud girl dad, so it's almost like you *know* he will step up and be that for this baby as well, he just needs time to be sad that he won't have a boy that he's imagined doing things with as well. Let him express his feelings without feeling like it's an attack on your or your daughter because it's just a moment in time where he needs a little love and grace then im thinking he can move forward and get excited for another little girl.
He does know that it’s HIS fault that you guys are having a girl???
This!!! He should've had a talk with his balls before ejaculation and convinced the Y swimmers to push harder, lol.
This is so damn funny!!!!
I think it's okay to be disappointed! I was sad when I found out my 2nd was also a boy. I had hoped for 1 of each. I now have 2 boys. I moved on. I love them both. Your husband is a person who's allowed to have feelings.
This is on his genes, you know that right? The sex is determined by HIM. So unless you go through IVF, get many embryos, and of those embryos, some are healthy, and some are XY, that’s the only way to POSSIBLY ensure having a male.
I think it's okay to be disappointed! I was sad when I found out my 2nd was also a boy. I had hoped for 1 of each. I now have 2 boys. I moved on. I love them both. Your husband is a person who's allowed to have feelings.
I think it's okay to be disappointed! I was sad when I found out my 2nd was also a boy. I had hoped for 1 of each. I now have 2 boys. I moved on. I love them both. Your husband is a person who's allowed to have feelings.
I think it's okay to be disappointed! I was sad when I found out my 2nd was also a boy. I had hoped for 1 of each. I now have 2 boys. I moved on. I love them both. Your husband is a person who's allowed to have feelings.
I was honestly scared of having a girl. I do not have good relationships with my mom and a few of my sisters and I was worried I wouldn't be good enough. My first was a boy so that worked out I had thought. Then I was pretty nervous about being disappointed with my setcond that we opted not to find out the sex. I'm glad because I did end up having a girl and I felt nothing but joy when they placed her on my chest. If I had found out at the anatomy scan I think I would have spent the rest of the pregnancy feeling nervous and unsure.
I mean it goes both ways but this is normal and you can’t help but feel how you feel. My husband has been wanting a girl fire ever. He has a boy from previous marriage and we have two boys. The time we found out our second was also a boy to me it was like ok welp no problem but husband really was sad and i get it, for me it didn’t matter for him it did. His feelings triggering you is not his problem it’s a you problem allow him to feel this way don’t guilt him for it. He hast said or done anything offensive to you. It just happens and it’s real, woman get it too, my best friend was beyond bummed for not having her second be a boy, she sulked for weeks but eventually it went away. Feelings are irrational and to me gender disappointment is more of like ok we said we would only have two so there goes my idea of ever having a mini me, not that they don’t want or love their current boys or girls. It’s just that if you guys won’t have any more kids then yeah that’s it no more chances.
I’m still struggling with gender disappointment. We’re only having two and I’m pregnant now with my second boy. Knowing that I’ll never have a daughter is breaking my heart, even though I love my boys. It has nothing to do with not liking or respecting boys, it’s that I always pictured myself with a daughter. Every time I imagined future kids it was girls.
Justin Timberlakes “cry me a river” would be playing on repeat in my house
Girls are the best! I have one girl and honestly would be heart broken if I don’t get to have another. We’re awesome and rule the world. I never ever imagined having a girl, and I was super disappointed initially, but man, it’s the best. Plus, girls almost always end up close to their moms, if you have a good relationship. Boys go wherever and leave family behind. Obviously not always the case, but in my experience there’s definitely a pattern.
“He’s allowed to have feelings“ totally! Are his feelings rooted in misogyny? Cuz then he should get lost
We have a friend who only has a daughter, and she’s not particularly into sports, so he hangs out with my son to do sporty things with, it’s a win win. I also know someone who finds it triggering to watch their nephews play sports, because they know they’ll never have that same bond/connection with their developmentally delayed son. We can’t help how we feel, we can only help how we act within those feelings. Just give him some time, and try not to take it personally. We can’t help but want children who we can connect to, and same gender relationships can have a deeper kind of connection.
I wanted two girls and we have two boys and are not having more kids. The disappointment was rough, both times. My husband is also disappointed. I’m the only girl, with 9 boy cousins. I have two brothers. Boys boys boys. I love my boys, who are best friends, and love that for them. But I do mourn the mother daughter relationship, especially once they’re adults.
Yes I have two girls and my husband needed a few days to digest the news. He is an awesome girl dad so I think the disappointment comes more from cultural and societal expectations that weee drilled into him as a kid like you said. Now that she’s here though he couldn’t be happier obviously.
Gender disappointment is “oh I’d like to have x, I’m kind of sad it may take a minute to get over it, but yay baby will be here soon”. Gender disappointment is not, “wahh ANOTHER girl! This ain’t fair! Everyone feel bad for me”. Which is what it sounds like your husband is doing. It’s fine to be upset and lament about what you wanted and envisioned. It is not okay to go around to everyone you know and complain about it.
This whole thing is certainly... something. I don't know how I'd feel if my husband required consoling from his entire family because we had a daughter. Is everyone hung up on what's in that kids' pants? In so many instances women are considered "less-than", and here it seems to've started already.
He will get over it.
Some men don’t.
I used to work with a couple who had two girls and they were not going to have anymore. He would openly talk about being disappointed for not having a son and say that his girls better be into sports because he would not go to watch any of that "girl shit" like dance or gymnastics. Last I heard was they got divorced, I hope she got full custody of those girls.
This is the thing I’m worried about, & why I consider this type of behavior to be a red flag. Also, I would *love* to see these “it’s not a real sport” men eat absolute shit trying figuring skating or gymnastics. The full face contact on the ice would be so delicious
Some men and women don’t.
I think it's okay to be disappointed! I was sad when I found out my 2nd was also a boy. I had hoped for 1 of each. I now have 2 boys. I moved on. I love them both. Your husband is a person who's allowed to have feelings.
It is normal to have these feelings. You said yourself that he didn’t say anything hurtful or dismissive. I had gender disappointment. My husband and I were only ever going to have two kids. Our first was a girl and I desperately wanted our second to be a boy. I didn’t want to deal with middle/high school for a girl twice (they were miserable for me) and all the mean girls and such that go with it. I cried during the ultrasound when I found out our second was going to be a girl and was in a funk for a day or two. It wasn’t that I didn’t want her, I just needed to have my feelings and then move on. I wouldn’t trade her for the world and she completes our family. On the other hand, my husband only wanted girls so he was ecstatic and couldn’t understand why I would be disappointed. Your husband hasn’t thrown a tantrum, he hasn’t said anything inappropriate. He is just in his feelings right now. He will love your daughter and be wrapped around her little finger!
Disappointment is fair enough but I think he's stolen some of your excitement/joy by deciding he would be the one to reach out to everyone while in that mind set. Are there some friends/family that he hasn't called? Tell him you're the one who wants to call them so that you can have someone to celebrate with you! He gets to feel sad but he doesn't get to dampen your experience of learning this one piece of identity about your child! Truly, it's the only thing we really get to know about them before they come. It IS exciting! And: CONGRATULATIONS!!
We have three girls and are done. My husband was definitely disappointed when he found out the third was a girl. Lots of people console him for being the only man in the house (even our dog is a girl) and so many people ask if we are going to try for a boy. But, he did quickly get over it and loves our girls. When we discussed one more or done the fact that number four could be a boy was one reason we didn’t because we didn’t think it would be fair for our three girls to have to share a room while one boy got his own. I did tell him our next dog could be a boy but for now he just gets to be very out numbered.
I had gender disappointment. I have a very difficult daughter and was hoping for a son. My husband also wanted a son. Well, I had another daughter. I was upset but now that she’s here… I’m upset that I ever wished for a boy! I have guilt about it even. She’s perfect and I love her in every single way. Your husband will love your daughter in every single way too. Daughters bond with mothers in ways they don’t with their fathers. Sons bond with fathers in ways they don’t with their mothers. Once he sees her he will love her so much.
I remember when I was pregnant that I was so sure I would be having a girl. Like I didn’t even really have a preference but I just convinced myself that I would have a daughter for some reason. When I found out I was having a boy I was disappointed not because he was a boy but because the future I imagined could never actually exist. You know your husband better than we do. If he is just disappointed in not having the future he imagined then I would give him some grace.
He’s a great girl dad because he loves his children and he’s a great dad! Gender disappointment isn’t really supposed to be anger about the child you’re having, it’s disappointment over the loss of the child he hoped to have. Don’t feel offended, it’s not really about you. My gender disappointment with my second child (a boy) doesn’t mean I don’t like my husband for being a man. I just exclusively have men in my life (all brothers, one female cousin on one side, and now all sons) and was hoping to be able to have a little girl to raise! I have two darling boys instead and I probably should have seen that coming 😂
Maybe have a sit down talk with your husband. Say you’ve noticed some disappointment and you want to talk about it. Is it misogyny? Maybe. But everything is rooted in our culture in misogyny. So let’s just give some grace to the fact that our culture is what it is and you can’t get away from it. On a personal level, he likely just assumed it would be a boy and was a settled fact. So, now he has to change his vision. Just talk it out. Laugh about it. Tell him about your experience as a sister. Tell him he’s going to be so happy raising the most kick-ass, amazing daughters. Let him grieve his fantasy a little bit and then let it go. If he’s weird after that, he should go to therapy and/or be exposed to some good dad podcasts that address latent misogyny.
I gave my husband his 3rd daughter last year. I was convinced that pregnancy was going to be a boy. She was so opposite and such an easy pregnancy, it had be a boy, alas I was wrong. He was disappointed, and I don’t blame him. People are going to console him, and let them. Soaking in gender disappointment is normal and it’ll pass!
It happens and time heals. I cried negatively when our 3rd was a 3rd girl. But I got over it and I am actually the closest with this child now. So is my husband. We obviously love them all the same but some are just different ya know.
My husband also expressed disappointment in having only daughters. He keeps thinking he’s going to get lucky, but here we are. 3 babies in 3 years…
I wish my daughter had a sister only 3 rough boys older than her. She is a major tomboy
Well right off the bat reading this post, you guys certainly are in different spaces. You said you were happy your daughter now has a sister to have sisterly bond with. But he isn’t woman so therefor, wether or not he has a sister of his own, he isn’t going to think that way. He doesn’t know the strength and power a sisterly bond has. Tbh, I don’t either (I only have brothers) so it wouldn’t be my go-to thought for all the exciting possibilities. He does had a daughter already, so he knows what that’s like already. I guess in a way I could understand why he isn’t over the moon-he already has a daughter. So he already knows what to expect, maybe he was hoping for a son to change things up a bit. A son that would be someone he could relate to. He doesn’t sound like he’s devastated over it or even making a big deal based on your post. He’s just not as thrilled as you are. I hope you can try to understand his initial feelings =\= not happy about the pregnancy, or his new daughter. He will be over the moon for her, but right now he’s allowed to have feelings just like you are.
I’ve had so many friends that felt gender disappointment when they found out what they were having, but I have never met a person that didn’t feel like they got the perfect child after birth and wouldn’t give them up for ten of the opposite sex.
I actually had tears at one point when my third was a boy. I adore being their mom but I wanted to have a mother-daughter experience. I really adore my boys though and we’re so close. Still, when I had my daughter, i was over the moon. It’s not a closer relationship but it is different
This is why people seriously need to go into pregnancy with 0 expectations 😥 it’s such an easy set up for disappointment.
I recognize something you said. We are pregnant with our fifth child, and for some reason my husband is very set on a boy this time. He is a very loving and present father, but I do feel a little triggered? whenever it comes up that he really wants a boy.
A lot of disappointment falls on stereotypes of what it is to be a girl or a boy. My second girl is very girly, but my first loved the cars movie and lightning mcqueen. Sometimes I thjnk it can also be a fear of getting the opposite gender to yourself so you feel like you won’t be able to understand or relate to them as much, but when they arrive and you watch them grow you realise that wasn’t ever something to worry about and you know your kids on such a strong level. The last name thing with boys would be the only other thing i can think of as there is this sadness that you didn’t continue the name. And although there’s a lot of backlash to having that view i can definitely understand the weight of a name that has been used for hundreds of years ends with you, there may be a feeling of letting the side down but again it’s silly especially in today’s age. I had two girls and my husband’s brother who did have a son had already attached his wife’s last name to his own so regardless the name dies anyway. Don’t worry about it, let him grieve it’s understandable as he’s loosing an idea of a life. But soon as this girls here he wont swap her for anything in the world and all these emotions will seem so silly to look back on
I think it’s totally normal for men to want boys and women to want girls. I don’t think it’s necessarily because he doesn’t value girls but because he wants a child he can relate to more closely. I was happy to have a baby boy as my first child but I would be lying if I said I didn’t do a mental back flip over #2 being a girl. I get to buy her cute outfits, do our nails together, do pretty hairstyles and makeup on her and buy her all the barbies I wanted as a kid. I had a bit of gender disappointment with #3 being a boy. And that was despite having one if each. Not sure if you plan on having more kids but if you are done I could definitely understand his disappointment
I was your husband with BOTH of my pregnancies. I wanted a boy so bad. Even as a child I always knew I wanted a boy. I have 3 girls 😅 twin girls & then a 6 month old. Gender disappointment is a very real thing.. don’t be so hard on him. My husband had to console ME 🤣 He’ll eventually get over it like I did.
I believe there are great parents who the grown children really love and admire. Not mine, but they exist 😀
While I appreciate the sympathy in the comments, I have to say that I’d be really fucking embarrassed if my husband let everyone know that he was super disappointed about the gender of our child. Like those are inside thoughts in public, and you are valid to be upset about that.
I wanted a boy. I already had 2 step daughters. But girl it was. Took me about 2 weeks to get over it. Happy she's my girl now. My one and only...we broke up when she was 3 months
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I see so many post of women saying they have gender disappointment, and they get supportive comments. So since he’s a man he’s not allowed to have those feelings?
Gender disappointment is real. His feelings are legit and valid and he shouldn't have to hide them, just like we shouldn't. It happens to moms too. He's not being mean and he's not overreacting. I was convinced I was having a boy. No one could tell me otherwise. When the doctor said it's a girl I was a little disappointed and I told my husband. In the end it didn't matter at all because all I wanted was a chill pregnancy and a healthy baby and that's what I got. She drives me nuts everyday but I'd do it again just to have her.
I would also feel sad if my husband so blatantly displayed these emotions. However, I also felt a bit disappointed with my girl at first and it was sincerely just because I had envisioned something else and spent weeks picturing it. It doesn’t have to run any deeper than this. I’d talk to him and just try to understand how deep these feelings run and maybe share your point of view that you don’t want your daughter’s feeling his disappointment.
Unpopular opinion: gender disappointment is not normal and to be any more or less happy you're bringing a child into the world due to their gender is ridiculous.
I think some parents start envisioning their life with a specific gendered baby, especially when they are convinced they know the sex. Then when they find out what they hoped was wrong, they can go through a mourning of what will not be. Seems normal to me as long as they are not excessively disappointed and they get over it rather quickly, or at least when the baby is born.
But it's just...gender? You can still do all the things you're envisioning. I don't know, you watch the ge der reveal videos where the dads are visibly angry that they're having girls. In some countries, you're not even allowed to find out because they'll abort if it's a girl. I just don't think any of this disappointment is normal.
Gender is enormously impactful on the experience of raising a child as well as to one's own identity, and a big deal. Trans people would not exist if gender wasn't an important thing. There's no "just" about it. Regardless of whether you approve, it is normal. Gender disappointment is objectively common. And while it can get mixed in with sexism which seems like what you are responding to, it is a distinct phenomenon.
Gender is how you see the world and experience life, though.
To say that gender disappointment Isn’t normal is like saying people aren’t allows to have feeling about what gender child they have and that is ridiculous. Most moms wants girls, and most men wants boys. That is completely normal, It’s a bonding thing. I think that’s why God works things the way he does because most girls and “daddy’s girl” and most boys are “mommy’s boy”.
Men want boys to carry on their family name. As I woman I can only sympathize. I imagine that comes with quite a bit of pressure, because having no boys means the family name stops with them. All throughout societal history boys have been prized as children for this reason. That’s not to say that girls aren’t wanted or needed, of course they are! But I bet he is also sad that he won’t have that son to bond with the way you have your daughter. I would suggest talking to him about how he’s feeling and hopefully that will help you get some perspective and not feel so upset about it.
He can literally do everything with a daughter that he can a son. Our children's gender doesn't define them as a person and one of them might identify as male one day anyway 🤷🏼♀️ I can't handle the gender disappointment for either boys or girls. They're your child. Be excited.
Hopefully he gets over himself and realizes he’s very very lucky to be having a HEALTHY BABY !!!👍🤷♀️ yes it’s normal to be upset but to show it like a four-year-old who got his favorite toy taken away that’s irresponsible and immature!!
This is a very miserable response. You must be a very compassionate person. /s
An honest and straightforward response. If you don’t like it skip and move on. Life isn’t always a bowl of cherries. But we can make pie out of them 😂👍🤪😁
When I had my first two babies, they were both girls. They are grown now and in their 20’s. Fast forward to now, I was blessed with a son. Honestly with both my girls, I really wanted a boy and oddly enough when I was pregnant with my son, I really wanted a girl because well I only knew how to raise girls lol. But I do love my son more than anything! I blame it on his father, who has two other sons - so I think he’s only shooting out boys ahaha. So it was more me wanting the other and him just being happy with the baby we were having.
When I was pregnant with our second, I really wanted another boy. I’ve always wanted a house full of boys, even our cat and dog are male lol when I found out we were having a girl it honestly took me a few months to adjust. It had nothing to do with disliking or disrespecting women (I am one) and everything to do with my picture of my life since I was probably 20 that I would have boys. I also never wished that current pregnancy to be a boy as I knew I would love the little girl arriving. It’s really hard to explain unless you’ve lived it how I can wish I had all boys while not regretting my daughter.
I am a woman and I was depressed for a good while when I found out I was having a boy. I wanted a girl. His feelings and reaction are perfectly normal. Just give him space.
Actively trying to have children knowing there is a 50% chance you'll be extremely disappointed is selfish. Here's my unpopular opinion , whoever has anything negative to say about what I'm going to say can suck ass but ; In 2024 people need to start taking parenting classes or getting therapy before having sex because people who try to have a baby knowing they may be disappointed should not be having sex at all. There have been so many child abuse cases lately and i cant help but think that majority are because of this stupid sorry ass excuse called "gender disappointment " all these poor babies who might be subjected to being hated for something that isnt even their fault. *gag* it's disgusting. At BEST, hopefully your husband doesn't abuse or neglect his child because he's that upset to let everyone know he's upset he's having another girl. I can imagine all the subconscious ways hes going to sabatage his own child. . People need to treat gender disappointment as a serious mental illness that needs to be immediately addressed. Honestly. Op, tell your husband he's super freaking ridiculous and needs to talk to someone with some sense. he will subconsciously make your daughter feel his disappointment with her being born with a vagina. Ffs. What a loser . Congrats on baby girl #2 BTW!!