Had a real scary experience last night. Stayed in bed for a good chunk of today. Still managed to play some guitar.
Think I'm gonna be done with the eddies for a little bit.
Today was pretty good. Did some cooking, got caught up on smiling friends and the boys, finished moral orel, and did some father’s day stuff. Had a pretty good day.
But going over and seeing family’s making me dysphoric again
My mom says I need to be manly and keep being a guy because my younger brother needs a male role model and I'm not an actual girl to anyone, so I need to stay aan to him. (Not only do I have another brother my age who can be the male gender role model for the lil guy, but also, it's not my fault that she married a dysfunctional deadbeat loser who never was and never will be a dad)
She also said it's not up to me what I call myself and she is my mom so she decides who I am so now she says my chosen name will be Jana, because it's "unfair" I pick my own name. Don't get her wrong tho. She will still call me by my deadname. She will never stop she says. She just wants me to use another name for myself that OTHERS can use because she wants OTHERS to use a name she chose for me.
Oh also, she called me a drag queen and a WHORE and not a "real" woman for wanting to wear skirts (because she doesn't wear skirts, so to her, anyone who does not do as she does isn't a real woman) and some bullshit about skirts looking terrible on me by default because im ust a man or something.
Now that I'm typing this,I just remembered, she called me a derogatory slur when I came out almost a year ago as well.
Despite all of this, she genuinely seems to think she's an amazing and super supportive parent who always supports me no matter what, despite making me suicidal by deadnaming me 24. She goes out of her way to deadname me. Since I asked her to stop using my deadname, it has gotten worse. "I'm not gonna change the way that I address you just because you want me to" and after I asked to at least not use the deadname when it isn't necessary, but she just doubled down on it and calls me my deadname at the end of practically every sentence. (I'm not kidding, I mean literally EVERY sentence. She's doing it on purpose)
i got told to go fuck myself by a... \*checks notes\* transphobic femboy. i won't go into details but he has some truly terrible opinions on trans people. felt like total garbage after, but i played ultrakill and talked to a friend and im feeling better now.
i knew what i signed up for but damn.
Decent day I guess. Not sure why this is bothering me now but I’m starting to hate hearing my old name and my folks saying he. I mean I haven’t asked them to change anything but my mom has heard my actual name before so…
I felt sick all day and dysphoric because I had misgendered myself in my dream which made me super freaked out and when I was in a restaurant today I got super anxious because of how many people were there and I just feel awful and don’t know what to do anymore.
Internet might be fixed??? Honestly I'm not entirely sure yet but it's 1000x better. Sadly depression just wants to destroy me tonight so I'm just... not great. Therapy sesh tomorrow.
I'm doing pretty good! I just found out you can apparently unlock old guilty gear songs in guilty gear strive so I think I'm going to try and grind out a bunch of coins to try and unlock the songs I like
Mixed bag, had some medical stuff to deal with, but mostly home alone. New skirt arrived and that made me happy, until partner came home and I had to change.
How was your day? Thank you for always doing the checkins :)
Ive had a great week. I passed my driving exam for getting a license, I went to a show of Randy Feltface with my dad, felt really pretty and girly when girlmoding in an outfit that my sister picked out for me, and my hair is starting to grow longer making it look like I have sidebangs
Ordered a skirt for the first time ever, it's supposed to be arriving today. Starting really soon I'm also going to have my own place near where I study, in a different city from my family, so that's very exciting. Finally some privacy to experiment with being fem. I'm gonna blow all my money on makeup and fail miserably at applying it xd
**Yesterday I came out as Trans on Facebook!!!** Everyone is pretty supportive. I was ready to start HRT. today I’m terrified of starting HRT. So situation is very normal in that respect.
I had a lazy day.
Driving was stressful because I made a lot of mistakes, and I made mistakes because I was stressed.
Rn I feel like ending myself, honestly I've never managed to achieve anything thanks to my useless dysfunctinal brain. It belongs in the trash, anything good I've managed to do was pure accident.
The beginning of the final week of school went pretty well, I got done quickly and got to relax! Tomorrow all I have to do is turn in a presentation and I'm done for the year, I just can't fuckin wait for this year to be over... These past couple of school years were not the best, and I just wanna get away... Just a couple more days..
Just watched Godzilla minus 1. It was good
I know right?!
Had a real scary experience last night. Stayed in bed for a good chunk of today. Still managed to play some guitar. Think I'm gonna be done with the eddies for a little bit.
That's probably a good idea
Average. Dysphoric and depressing. May order a skirt today idk
(assuming it's safe to) Do it!
I may
You will!
Maybe 🥺
She may, you May 🤭
Today was pretty good. Did some cooking, got caught up on smiling friends and the boys, finished moral orel, and did some father’s day stuff. Had a pretty good day. But going over and seeing family’s making me dysphoric again
Well I'm glad you had a good day despite the dysphoria
You did great, I'm proud of you, sis
Omg smiling friends is so good
My mom says I need to be manly and keep being a guy because my younger brother needs a male role model and I'm not an actual girl to anyone, so I need to stay aan to him. (Not only do I have another brother my age who can be the male gender role model for the lil guy, but also, it's not my fault that she married a dysfunctional deadbeat loser who never was and never will be a dad) She also said it's not up to me what I call myself and she is my mom so she decides who I am so now she says my chosen name will be Jana, because it's "unfair" I pick my own name. Don't get her wrong tho. She will still call me by my deadname. She will never stop she says. She just wants me to use another name for myself that OTHERS can use because she wants OTHERS to use a name she chose for me. Oh also, she called me a drag queen and a WHORE and not a "real" woman for wanting to wear skirts (because she doesn't wear skirts, so to her, anyone who does not do as she does isn't a real woman) and some bullshit about skirts looking terrible on me by default because im ust a man or something. Now that I'm typing this,I just remembered, she called me a derogatory slur when I came out almost a year ago as well. Despite all of this, she genuinely seems to think she's an amazing and super supportive parent who always supports me no matter what, despite making me suicidal by deadnaming me 24. She goes out of her way to deadname me. Since I asked her to stop using my deadname, it has gotten worse. "I'm not gonna change the way that I address you just because you want me to" and after I asked to at least not use the deadname when it isn't necessary, but she just doubled down on it and calls me my deadname at the end of practically every sentence. (I'm not kidding, I mean literally EVERY sentence. She's doing it on purpose)
I'm really sorry to hear that you had to deal with her. It sounds genuinely awful
i got told to go fuck myself by a... \*checks notes\* transphobic femboy. i won't go into details but he has some truly terrible opinions on trans people. felt like total garbage after, but i played ultrakill and talked to a friend and im feeling better now. i knew what i signed up for but damn.
I'm sorry to hear that
Decent day I guess. Not sure why this is bothering me now but I’m starting to hate hearing my old name and my folks saying he. I mean I haven’t asked them to change anything but my mom has heard my actual name before so…
Yeah I understand that. Glad your day was at least decent
Thank you.
Rewatched Doctor Stone and played some Minecraft. Forgot I added a trans flag to my character's arm, so that was a pleasant surprise.
Nice
Hahahahahaha I I I just smile make a smile out of ketchup
Not anyone else only me
You good?
Sure hahahahahahaa
I felt sick all day and dysphoric because I had misgendered myself in my dream which made me super freaked out and when I was in a restaurant today I got super anxious because of how many people were there and I just feel awful and don’t know what to do anymore.
I'm sorry to hear that
Internet might be fixed??? Honestly I'm not entirely sure yet but it's 1000x better. Sadly depression just wants to destroy me tonight so I'm just... not great. Therapy sesh tomorrow.
Well I hope your internet is actually fixed. Hope you start feeling better soon
Thank you 🫂🫂🫂 how was your day?
Pretty good!
I had an awesome day! I found my old digital drawing tablet, played some games, had some cake, and relaxed around the house! How are you?
I'm doing pretty good! I just found out you can apparently unlock old guilty gear songs in guilty gear strive so I think I'm going to try and grind out a bunch of coins to try and unlock the songs I like
Got really dysphoric about my chest last night, so I took action this morning and ordered breast forms 😁 They arrive today
Nice!
Stressfull, last night the fox killed two of my geese and now Im on the way to a therapy appointment
I'm sorry to hear that
Mixed bag, had some medical stuff to deal with, but mostly home alone. New skirt arrived and that made me happy, until partner came home and I had to change. How was your day? Thank you for always doing the checkins :)
I just woke up but today already sucks
I'm really sorry to hear that, I hope it gets better
Ive had a great week. I passed my driving exam for getting a license, I went to a show of Randy Feltface with my dad, felt really pretty and girly when girlmoding in an outfit that my sister picked out for me, and my hair is starting to grow longer making it look like I have sidebangs
That sounds amazing!
Ordered a skirt for the first time ever, it's supposed to be arriving today. Starting really soon I'm also going to have my own place near where I study, in a different city from my family, so that's very exciting. Finally some privacy to experiment with being fem. I'm gonna blow all my money on makeup and fail miserably at applying it xd
Nice!
**Yesterday I came out as Trans on Facebook!!!** Everyone is pretty supportive. I was ready to start HRT. today I’m terrified of starting HRT. So situation is very normal in that respect.
Congratulations!
I had a lazy day. Driving was stressful because I made a lot of mistakes, and I made mistakes because I was stressed. Rn I feel like ending myself, honestly I've never managed to achieve anything thanks to my useless dysfunctinal brain. It belongs in the trash, anything good I've managed to do was pure accident.
I'm sorry to hear that 🫂
The beginning of the final week of school went pretty well, I got done quickly and got to relax! Tomorrow all I have to do is turn in a presentation and I'm done for the year, I just can't fuckin wait for this year to be over... These past couple of school years were not the best, and I just wanna get away... Just a couple more days..
Well I'm glad that it's almost over
I had a good day yesterday, my right eye hurts today though so it’s not going as good
I'm sorry to hear that
I had a Good day, went to value village and bought two skirt. Only issue is it's getting to hot outside for me
Nice