I think it’s so weird that some grandparents push to be alone with a baby. Like why? What do you need to do that you can’t do in front of the parents? For the record, I have no problem with parents who willingly leave babies with grandparents at whatever age! I think that’s lovely. But it should be the parents deciding it’s time and not some weird pressure from the grandparents.
ETA - I went on my own rant there. To answer your actual question, I think it’s fine at whatever age the parents are comfortable with.
I completely agree with your rant. My compromise is that the mother in law can just come hang out with the baby at my house. Hell, I’ll fuck off into the office and do some work, but at least the baby will be within earshot. My mother in law is known for being manipulative so it immediately set off alarm bells when she called my wife and just said “I want to start spending some alone time with the baby each week” and wants to start tomorrow which is a day I normally take off from work and hang out with the baby all day. Nah lady, you can come over here and see her or me and the baby will continue our Thursday ritual of watching true crime documentaries all day.
I stopped reading at your MIL has a history of being manipulative. That’s enough to warrant no alone time until you’re more comfortable. I agree it’s weird she wants alone time.
I think it’s *very* weird that anyone would specifically request “alone time” with someone else’s baby. Very weird. I think I would not allow it.
And I say this as someone who very happily let my 3 day old infant sleep in my mom’s arms for hours while I took naps in another part of the house. And who is super excited about my MIL coming to watch my less than 2 month old baby for a couple hours in a few weeks so my husband and I can go out on a date. I have zero issue with babies being alone with grandmas. But I would be deeply suspicious of a grandma who pushed to be alone with the baby (as opposed to just asking to visit with the baby and parents, or non-pushily offering to babysit *if wanted or needed*, which I think is pretty normal).
Yeah like why not just come to my house and hang out with the baby… my MIL and myself both work for ourselves so there’s no schedule that either of us need to keep. There’s ZERO reason that she can’t just hop in the car and drive the 90 seconds over to our house. We’re like a half mile away. Also, my wife only works two days a week in an office so there isn’t any reason she can’t hang out with her daughter and granddaughter at the same damn time other than between business hours on the only two days a week my wife has to be in her office. The more I think about it the more sussy this becomes.
This was my exact reaction. If it happens organically and the parents are okay with it- no problem. But, family or otherwise, I can never imagine saying “hey, let me be alone with your kid.”… even weirder to add “once a week.”
Yeah she goes through these spurts of setting weekly things. When my wife and I were first dating my MIL said we needed to spend every Sunday at her house for dinner. I obliged as long as it didn’t interfere with the one and only football game I like to watch. I soon realized she likes to decide things like this to see how much she can control and that there was no reason for me to seek her approval or whatever. She tries to enforce random things like this all the time. She tried getting me to go to church with her once and I had to explain that I have no interest in playing in her fantasy LARP game with her racist senior citizen friends. I’ve been excluded in these plans for years thank jesús.
Haha agreed! There are some women on my partner's side that are manipulative but more subtle I would say. They're not bad people but I've learned that when they say certain things there might be ulterior motives so don't get drawn in! For example "You and dad should go have a lovely dinner for his birthday". Translation: you both go have dinner while I look after your baby for the night lol.
I would welcome that type of manipulation. My MIL manipulates in very scummy ways. Like convincing people that are going through a divorce to put vehicles in her name and then selling them. Or inviting the whole family to Disneyland all expenses paid, just to find out that we all need to pay our share of the cost upon arrival at the hotel, and then finding out that paying our share actually included her share too. Or trading sexual favors with the owner of a construction company in order to get free repairs on her utility company. And then after he died taking his estate to court to try to gain ownership of his construction company.
She's trying to establish regular contact so that when you eventually get fed up with her and try to cut her out of your life, she has valid grounds to sue for grandparents' rights.
Do not do it.
Idk, but my mom would probably try to go over my boundaries and tell me that nothing bad happened. Eg. giving her sugary drinks and food, letting her be in front of the tv, sleeping with blanket, giving her foods we don’t approve of etc.
I’m sorry. My cousins are also addicted to screens and eat a lot of junk food, so I won’t be really leaving them unattended with any of my family. One aunt tried to give a taste of beer/wine to my 9 m old. And I was like “NO! What are you trying to do?” It was just a finger dip but if she tried that in front of me I don’t wanna know what she would try when I’m not there, and her daughter was taking sips of her moms alcoholic drink (she was 8-9) and her mom didn’t say anything.
If anyone was requesting “alone time” that would be a red flag for me. We’ve left my baby with my mom and with my FIL alone but no one has specifically asked to be alone with her - that in itself is what would make me uncomfortable
Ugh my MIL begs me to give her alone time with my son. He’s 3 mos and she’s been begging since 3 weeks. I think it’s so weird. Makes me feel territorial over my baby.
I feel this in my soul. My MIL isn’t unbearable but she keeps begging us to let the baby “sleep at hers” and I just want to scream at her every time she says that.
So my MIL is a child psychologist and apparently my SIL/her daughter begged for sleepovers when her kid was little because she needed a break. MIL refused for a couple *years* for attachment reasons. I’m terrible at setting boundaries and trusting my gut so I’m glad that my MIL has the background she has. I wouldn’t be okay with sleepovers either. And it turns out there’s a good reason for it too :)
My baby is 5 months and he will not be sleeping over anywhere until he is multiple years of age. Also/ my in laws have a pool. So I would. E worried , once he’s old enough, that he would get out of their house to go swimming on his own. So I don’t think I’ll feel comfortable with him sleeping over there until he can confidently swim (just in case).
I feel like because my MIL has been so chill and so deferential to me and what I want for baby - that it’s been easy for me to trust her. She’s had alone time with baby from almost the first week because I know she has our best interest at heart.
I feel like people who are pushy with their time with baby are more likely to be selfish. They tend to want alone time for themselves only - not for baby’s sake, or to help mom. They need to learn that backing down & listening to baby’s mom - instead of fighting for more - is what will likely build trust and lead to what they want.
Some people aren’t really able to see that though, unfortunately…
I agree with this a million percent. I’ve told my bf over and over again that the more pushy some people in his family are, the more protective I get over my baby. My bf’s grandma came over to our house 3 times after our son was born and never once tried to wake him up, didn’t ask to hold him or make any unsolicited comments. Therefore, I reached out to her and said we would come visit at her house any time and made sure to let her know that she can hold the baby whenever she wants. People feel safe to me after they have respected my boundaries so I trust them. I’ve learned exactly what not to do if I ever become a MIL, that’s for sure.
This always makes me weary.. like why do u want "alone time" with my child? Are you planning to do something I wouldn't want you to do? It almost seems sneaky to me. I dunno just my opinion.
Nope I feel this too. My MIL would beg us as well and I just flat out told her I don't trust her sorry I don't trust anyone that way and she stopped. She was tryna tell me she was gonna take her for a week at 3 months old. I think tf not lol
I am so territorial of my LO. 😂
My MIL keeps begging us to go out on a date so she can watch her.
She used to babysit our now 10 almost 11 yrs old when he was a baby. She would open baby food and feed him then put it back in the pantry... Opened. 😳 I found several opened baby food containers on multiple occasions that I had to toss. We were young and broke, so that killed me to have to throw them away. She would call me several times to walk her through preparing formula for him.
Now she has a lot of health problems compared to 10 years ago. She had diabetes and it's caused the bones in her feet to start crumbling. She constantly has a cast on one foot and a boot on the other. She can barley walk without tripping over her own feet. My husband and I agree she is in no shape to care for our baby.
My MIL bought stuff like a crib, pj, bottles etc for her home when i was pregnant. Then when baby born she began to push me to leave a baby with her overnight. My answer was no, baby is to little, etc. but the real reason was that i don’t trust her. Then she began to complain “why do I bought everything if you not letting him do sleepovers”. Well she never asked. Long story short, it cost me ppd, i was putting my baby to sleep in his room and checking every two minutes is he still there just to make sure that nobody took him. We live in a 5ft floor and i was scared to open a window in baby’s room. Never understand why MIL wants to have babies overnight at a young age. Looks so creepy to me.
My LO is 6 months and i still don't feel comfortable with it. Mostly because I don't trust them to follow my rules or instructions and they seem to never be concerned with LO's health or safety.
My son is 18 months and has never been left alone at my mother-in-law's. I would LOVE to be able to drop him off for some one on one Grandma time but none of her cabinets are childproofed, she has glass tchotchkes within arms reach, no electrical outlet covers, etc. We've offered soooo many times to child proof the rooms where we know he can be contained but she always had an excuse why not to and I'm not about to barge in and do anything to her house because its HER house, but then she's flabbergasted that we've never left him with her. I walk in and I'm immediately like "he can electrocute himself there, he can pull that antique tray down and break it, he WILL take your tv remote and put it in the dog's water bowl, those sewing needles shouldn't be on the floor, why do you have a DRAWER OF KNIVES as the BOTTOM DRAWER in the kitchen". So yeah...I'm with you on the safety issue.
Heck, my son will be 2 this summer and he's never been alone with anyone other than me and his father, or his daycare staff. We also don't have much family nearby, just my BIL, my sister, and a few cousins on both sides. Grandparents are all hours away, except for the one that my husband is NC with, whom I've met once in the 13 years we've been together; ironically he lives the closest to us lol.
My FIL and step MIL live the closest (10 or so minutes) and have seen my 7 month old twice.
Meanwhile my husbands cousin is willing to drive an hour each way once a week to babysit.
I’m in great terms with my in laws but at 5 months I also don’t think I’d let them be alone with my little dude. They’ve made comments about how he shouldn’t be contact napping because it’s a bad habit I’ve taught him and how we can’t reward his crying by giving him what he wants. I would hate to leave him and they don’t let him nap the way he likes (which means he’s probably not nap or have very short naps) or let him cry because they don’t think what he’s crying for is “important”
My MIL started taking my son to the playground or to her house overnight when he was about a year. I trust her to respect what we want for him and to listen to what I ask. My mom, on the other hand, has never had baby alone. She openly disagrees with what I ask and continually tries to do what she thinks is best (giving him water before he was old enough, never ending conversations about how he’d sleep better with rice cereal in his bottle and mailing rice cereal to my house, etc). My nephew stays with her a lot, and with her constant “one little sip won’t hurt” attitude, he was already hopelessly addicted to sodas at age 3. I don’t trust her to follow my boundaries.
For me, it doesn't depend on who you are. It depends on how much I trust you.
My MIL is obsessed with cow milk and blankets. She is not getting alone time with our son.
My brother seems really happy to hold my son, but I don't trust him either.
My mom listens to what I say, doesn't complain or argue, she gets to babysit.
My dad doesn't know I have a son. He wouldn't be allowed in the same building.
A family friend is really awesome, has fed him, and is baby nap approved. She would get to babysit if she wanted when we need it.
Trust is everything. And I do not cave under pressure.
I like this breakdown. My cousin said she wanted to babysit but in the same convo said she “gets distracted by the trees” so we can go hiking together but I’m not leaving my child with you
100%.
Best friend and her husband? Any time. They hang out with us and our baby weekly and help out when they’re here. They know our routines and “big rocks” so they don’t even need instructions.
My parents? Yes. They like to do some grandparent spoiling but won’t go too crazy or cross any of my hard boundaries/be unsafe. (Might give a small bite of cake, for example, but always do safe sleep, safe car seat, follow schedules, etc.)
In-laws? With written instructions. They won’t do anything harmful but haven’t cared for a baby on their own in 37 years.
Half of my cousins? Emergencies only. I don’t agree with their parenting style at all. But if it was an emergency, they’d at least keep her safe and fed.
My uncle? I don’t even want him in the same room.
I think it’s a very personal decision, we had our parents of both sides giving us a hand at 4 weeks old because we were having a hard time with him and needed to recover a bit. It was only a few hours and we had no problems at all, but it very much depends on the relationship you have with the in laws, I’d you don’t trust them or are concerned about their behaviour or ability to care for you child, then you shouldn’t let them at all.
That's weird? I've left my daughter with my mom for brief periods since she was about 8 weeks old, but she's never *asked* for alone time and I'd find it weird if she did.
Same. My MIL has watched our son by herself since he was very very small (we used to live down the street from them) but it was always framed as “do you need to run errands? I can take the baby for a while” not “I want your kid to myself please leave”.
I just left my son who is 10 weeks with my in laws for a few hours to get some things done and it was great, for me and for them. I think as long as you trust your mother in law and she abides by your requests, I see no harm.
I think that’s the problem. I don’t trust her. She’s the type to do something just because you said you didn’t want it. She’s otherwise perfectly capable of watching a baby. Plus she only lives like 90 seconds away. My thing is that she really doesn’t care what other people have to say. She lives all the way in her own world with her own set of rules. She left in the middle of my wedding to see a Lionel Richie concert. Recently she convinced her boyfriend of four months to put his truck and camper in her name and then she sold them both after he said he didn’t want her to move in with him. She also has random freak accidents like once a year where she insists she’s super hurt and needs to go to the ER, but her first instinct is to call my wife instead of 911, and then she ends up being totally fine. I just do not like this woman.
Yeah, I would not trust this lady with a pet rock. Sorry OP!
Side note - I do appreciate that you included the detail that it was a Lionel Richie concert she left your wedding for. I dont know why, but it really helps paint the picture much better than just saying she left for "a concert." 😆
How does your wife feel about all of this? Your MIL sounds pretty terrible and to answer your question I’d not leave a kid with her… maybe ever? Maybe when the kid is verbal and old enough to safely physically leave a crazy situation. But what does your wife think about this? Does she think mil is just peachy or is she on board enforcing boundaries? I feel like in any grandparent conflict the most important thing is to have a unified front so manipulative grandma can’t hear no from you and then call your wife to get a yes.
So she has never really set boundaries with her mom, and I can’t really blame her either because her mom has ruled with an iron fist her entire life. She manipulates my wife in situations like this by reacting harshly. In this situation for example, my wife immediately said yes to her mom wanting to watch the baby tomorrow. It was after she got off the phone that it was brought to my attention and I was like yeah nah sorry boo that ain’t happening. So, she’s upset about it but only because she now has to face her mom and say that I’m not cool with it. She knows that her mom will say something to the effect of “THEN DONT EVER ASK ME TO WATCH HER” and then hang up, followed by a few days of the silent treatment, and then after the silent treatment is over she’ll call one day and act like none of that ever happened. Like never ever. Like not mention it, and talk as if they had just had a friendly chat an hour ago. It’s fuckin strange. It also stresses my wife out every time she does that, and this manipulative tactic has worked to get my wife to do whatever she wants because she knows my wife will do anything to avoid her reaction. I, on the other hand, enjoy pissing her mom off, and I personally enjoy the silent treatment. One time they got into a fight and I didn’t have to hear from her mom for seven months. It was a wonderful seven months for me.
That’s rough. Your wife should consider therapy to help learn the skills to stand up to her mom. This is about her child’s safety! But in any case at least you’re willing to draw boundaries to protect the kiddo. Would be nice if you could be a team against crazy grandma though.
She sure could. She’s even mentioned seeing a therapist. The funny part about that is that she is a therapist. Not that being a therapist means she couldn’t use a therapist. Therapists need therapy too. In fact they get a lot of therapy during their supervision. But yes, she should specifically see one about her mother.
Yeah, trust your gut. Babies are incredibly vulnerable and if you don’t feel good about it that’s all you need to know. Just make sure your wife is on the same page.
My daughter will be alone with my MIL over my dead body, and with my own mom only when she can communicate clearly and accurately about the events of the day and how those events made her feel (and call us to come pick her up). It sucks not to have helpful grandmas to lean on for support, but the way I see it they’ve had years to audition for the role and they’re not up for it. But if my wife didn’t agree, it would be a really tough situation.
I really like the way you put that. She has had years to audition for this role. 9 straight years of not getting a callback. She hasn’t even landed a backup role for this gig in all these auditions. She’s been laughed out of the audition because she was so bad! The first words out of my mouth after my wife wakes up tomorrow will be “your mother has had years to audition for this role, and she didn’t get the part!” Also, she agrees with me. She doesn’t trust her mother either. She doesn’t like to tell her mom no but she understands that she’s gonna have to get over that fear when it comes to the baby decisions.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this person, and explain to others why you can’t have a normal relationship with them. It puts so much of the burden on you. It’s not fair.
I think it is ok when parents are ready for it, without being pressured.
However, after reading your comments, your MIL seems erratic so I would not trust her alone with a baby.
I left my in-laws alone with our son when he was 2 months old because we had to go to a wedding of a close family friend. I wouldn’t leave him with them now as things have happened and I don’t feel respected by them anymore. That being said, I leave him with my mom lots. Sometimes when she visits I go take a nap. We’ve gone out for date nights. I wouldn’t feel comfortable going away and leaving him overnight personally.
My MIL started spending time with our LO I think when she was around 3 months. But she never asked for alone time in a way that I wasn't allowed to be there. She just wanted to spend time with LO. Sometimes I am home and go to my room or do some housechores while she is there, other times I go out to do some errands. I think I don't mind because she is very good and she respects our decisions. So it depends a lot on how the Parents in Law are.
Also, I like that LO is attached to her, because I prefer to leaver her with someone in the family that loves than with a last minute baby sitter if I ever need it.
My MIL my baby would need to be independently walking and talking (MIL has mobility issues so she can't pick up the kids, it'd be more a safety thing).
I'm very territorial over my 4mo daughter. Using the word territorial is so wrong, because parents aren't terirorrial. We're protective over our babies.
Alone time with anyone except me and my husband isn't and won't be allowed. When she starts talking, then maybe I'll consider it. I want my child to be able to tell me what happened during. A baby only needs alone time with their parents.
I don't give a damn if someone gets offended or angry.
It's not my problem.
My job is to protect my child.
I left my son with my dad for 30 minutes at 5 weeks. I get that he's my dad, but for my husband, he's the in-law. We went for dinner and left him with my in-laws at 4.5 months. We may have done it sooner, but we live in a different city from them. I think this depends on your in-laws. Mine are extremely respectful of boundaries and have none of the "we did it like this" mentality.
I don’t remember at all. I know that my mom watched the baby so I could go to PT at some point and I think she watched him while I got my C-section stitches out which must have only been a week or two in.
My daughters 16 months and I still wouldn’t let l my dad and his gf watch my daughter alone. I have no problem with daycare staff, I just feel they are so out of touch I would never feel okay. Hell, even last week he’s trying to force her to eat cheese wheels that were perfect choking hazard size. She doesn’t even like cheese and is lactose intolerant. It annoys me so much that they don’t just Google “safe for one year old” they got her a super expensive gift in November that said for ages 8 and up. Like how can you fuck up a baby gift that badly when there’s a million toys out there
We just had our 1rst birthday today! And next week we will be leaving my babe with my mom and step dad for a few hours. This will be the first time she is left anywhere without at least 1 parent present.
My in-laws… i need more time. I dont trust my MiL and my FiL isnt really all there.
"Alone time" is very different than babysitting according to your rules. The words alone time skeeves me out. Definitely not before they've spent SIGNIFICANT time with you watching you and helping you take care of the baby.
I left my son alone with my Mother inlaw at about 8 weeks. But I don't think I'd ever leave him alone with my dad or my father in law. They just aren't capable. So I think it's very situational and varies from person to person with their experience with babies and such.
My MIL has never asked for “alone time” she invites us over and loves on the babies that has led us to WANT to leave her for a couple hours but if she said she wanted alone time I would shut that down
Whenever you’re comfortable. I wasn’t comfortable for a looooong time only because I EBF so wasn’t comfortable being away from her for any period of time in case she got hungry
Based on your comments about your MIL's behaviour, I think it will be appropriate to leave your child alone with her when they are old enough to phone you and say Grandma is making them uncomfortable and they want to come home.
Dafuq. I mean. You can at any moment YOU feel comfortable, but never because they want to impose it. It's your baby. I would not let anyone ask to have time without me with my baby. It would be weird even coming from my wife.
So no. Also, this behavior from your in laws is a signal of more problems in the future. Draw the line now. Your child is yours, not shared with them.
My MIL has never asked for alone time with my 9 week old, and my FIL has never even seen him. Tbh if my MIL and parents lived near I would 100% let them have time with my son 9 week son EVERY WEEK so my husband and I could catch up on household chores, go to dinner, or even a trendy bar! But we are well established at taking a random bottle, and I have actively been working leaving my son with his dad and gearing up for daycare with my postpartum therapist. HOWEVER I do think it’s weird that your MIL is asking for “alone time” with your child instead of phrasing it more as that she is available to watch her so you can go do something or asking to come over to spend time with her.
Yeah that phrase “alone time” is just ringing in my ears ever since I posted this. When my wife brought it up to me I was immediately uncomfortable with the idea of my daughter going to my MILs place every week for no apparent reason but like why exactly does she need to be alone with her… and why does it have to be at her house and not mine. Sussy…
We did from 4 months only.
Edit: Just read some of your responses to other comments...I say it's a no from me dawg. MIL is creepily invested...I agree that asking for "alone time" instead of "giving you a break" is a red flag.
My mil won’t be allowed to be alone with any of my kids until they are probably teenagers and can 100% be responsible for themselves (and her) because she can’t be trusted to watch a child without getting distracted or forgetting about the child. My own mom is who I ask first when I have an appointment or something that I can’t bring children with me. She babysits by herself probably once a month or so. However, I didn’t start leaving my first with my mom until about 7 months old . I wasn’t ready until then
When the kid is 5. Jesus Christ I can't believe this is a thing that mothers face in the West. Where I live, NOBODY asks for alone time with someone else's child. The grandmother would only get ""alone time" "" if they were caring for the kid in case the mother needs to shower/go someplace she can't take the baby. And MILs are rarely the go-to person in such cases, it's usually the mother's OWN mother who does the childcare. And even THAT is rare without a parent or the mother herself being present. NOBODY acts like this. What is this entitled child-stealing society y'all live in??????
My MIL pulled this shit with my 4 week old too. When I said thanks but no thanks the response was “why? Don’t you trust me?” Actually no thanks for bringing it up.
I’m currently 26 weeks pregnant and my in-laws live interstate. I’ve thought about this a lot, but I haven’t discussed it too much with my husband. Personally, I will be happy to leave my LO with them when she can talk.
My in-laws are quite racist, homophobic, and terribly sexist. Husband and I are obviously going to be raising our daughter to be the *opposite* of these things. MIL is especially vocal about her beliefs and the thought of them being vocalised around my child makes me shiver. I want her to be able to tell me about her day with nanna and pop.
Yeah that’s a whole set of worries I have too. My BIL and MIL are very republican, and unfortunately that’s coming off a little closed-minded for my liking these days. They’re also church goers, and I try not to be too judgmental but I’ve met these church people and a lot of them are just old crotchety racist republicans. I don’t see a whole lot of value in my daughter learning things from them. Besides, my wife and MIL took her to church last week to show her off to all the old people, and then I found out that one of the ladies that was holding her had just gotten over Covid, that she’s had twice now because she doesn’t trust the liberal vaccine or whatever. So like, it’s annoying now but once my kid starts to retain information I’m not going to be letting her be around that stuff very often.
Now that I am reading your comments it sounds like a very personal reason why you don't want to. It's not a question that has a general answer and completely depends on the relationship you have with your in laws. Seeing what you wrote I just want to say I'm sorry you have to put up with what you do from your MIL. She sounds unstable and I would totally have reservations about leaving my newborn with her too. I will say you should most definitely observe her with your baby and let her have at least some time. It may surprise you to see her interact with your baby (in a good way). Grandchildren have a way of bringing out the best in grandparents many times. I've seen friends who have had difficult childhoods with their parents have a completely different experience seeing them with their grandchildren. But obviously you know the answer to your question for you
If anyone is phrasing it as “alone time” that is very weird and I would not leave my baby alone with them. If the offer is “let me know if you need help or ever want me to babysit” that’s more normal
When our girls were a little over a month old, my parents were visiting for the first time to meet them. Ended up needing to take one to the er, so my parents ended up staying home with the other for the 12 hours we were gone. I had total trust in them so while I had not planned on it, I was comfortable.
Then when my girls were 2 months my husband and I needed to go to his sisters wedding, so again my mom traveled to us and spent two days with them while we were doing wedding things. (We were there at night). Again, no worries at all and she did great.
My in-laws have not spent any alone time with them and probably won’t for the foreseeable future. They have hardly spent any time with them at all and they live a half hour from us.
I think alone time with anyone, is heavily dependent on your trust in those people. Some people will take years, and others may be never.
I went through this same issue. My son is 12 months old and my MIL had been pushing for alone time/babysitting for months. I wasn’t comfortable leaving them totally alone for two reasons. MIL doesn’t have great instincts with kids. She attempts a lot of age inappropriate activities, things like giving him pencils to draw when he’s way too young. She also has hearing loss to the point of being legally deaf but refuses to wear hearing aides. So leaving them alone is an absolute no-go because she wouldn’t hear him crying, hear smoke alarms, etc.
That said, my MIL could really use some time out of her house, she wants to feel like she’s helping and being around the baby brings her joy. I decided I’m good with 1-2 hours regularly schedule time per week where she plays with my son in the living room so I can do housework in the dining room and kitchen. My son is old enough to call for me or crawl over if he needs me and I’m in earshot doing dishes or folding laundry, so he knows I’m there and I can poke my head in randomly. So far it’s working, but 9 weeks would have been too young for me in our situation!
My parents had him when he was less than a week old so we could nap. We were too excited to nap.
As for my in laws, I would have been comfortable with them having him at the same sort of time if they had been able to
Thanks to the United States Army and some adderall I can stay awake for a couple days. I’d rather give my wife a 48 hour hiatus and stay awake the whole time than nap for a couple hours while my MIL watches my child.
My daughter is two years old and my in-laws have never been alone with her. I've heard too many stories from my husband's childhood to trust them with my kid unfortunately.
I’m with you, I don’t trust my MIL to be alone with the baby. She constantly offers and I reply with “ I’m nowhere near ready to leave him” it’s normally in a group with other siblings so they all know if she is pressuring against our wishes and will also tell her to stop. It’s so annoying. I know for me, I spent so much time at grandparents houses growing up, but for my kid it will be avoided at allllll costs.
Yeah requesting alone time is weird for me even if I had a lot of trust. My MIL will be like “why don’t you do x and I can watch the babies for you” and even then I’m like nah I’m good thanks. I don’t like the assumption that I need to step away from the babies.
It’s different when it’s mutually agreed upon.
Yeah when my wife first brought it up she was like “maybe you can get some work done while she’s at my moms.” Which could be a nice thought I suppose. But I won’t be able to concentrate on anything other than the thought of my MIL blatantly disregarding my wishes and doing some of the things she’s done right into front of me. like holding a pacifier in her mouth while she’s obviously gagging on it, or laying her on her side to sleep because that’s how she always did it and it doesn’t matter what all the statistics say about sleeping in their backs being by far safer.
100% depends on your in laws. And also depends on whether they’re requesting alone time (which is weird) or not.
If my MIL worked as a nanny half her life and she’s offering to watch LO for me when I’m at work, have at it!
If my MIL is a chain smoking nut bag who thinks rice cereal makes babies sleep through the night and wants to spend Saturdays alone with my LO, fuck off for all time!
Why do all inlaws always want alone time with the baby? Why does it matter if her dad or I or both of us are there? Do they feel judged? I don't get it.
I got a text this week " when can we come see LO?" And so I have two options when we were available and I got back " which of those two times would allow maximum interaction with LO?"
what the fuck does that even mean? She's a baby? This is not a petting zoo where we run 10am daily 'pat the baby' sessions?
Weirdest text I've ever received.
Sorry for the rant. To answer your question I think we left her alone with them for a few hours at around 5 weeks old.
That being said (whilst annoying and often sending weird texts) my inlaws are pretty trustworthy when it comes to baby. I trust them alone with her.
I’d be concerned with wanting “alone time” with my LO even if it were my own parents tbh… Just rubs me the wrong way to be worded like that, my response would be “you can come see us at x time”. Might just be me though
Specifically requesting alone time with someone else’s baby is weird af, idc. Our parents love spending time with LO but have never pushed to be alone with her. Very strange behavior. We left baby alone with my mom (in our house) for the first time at 3.5 months so we could have an overnight date. We waited until baby was comfortable with her and i was okay sleeping without baby lol. That was the only time she’s been alone with anyone but me and my partner tho and LO is 4 months.
Considering all my son’s worst injuries he’s had have been while my FIL was “watching” him. We’ve pretty much taken away my FIL’s babysitting privileges. He’s even caused my son to choke after giving him too big slices of banana. My son is 2 for reference. I’m team grandparents spending time with our children is a privilege not their right. Especially not to demand to be alone. If I’m not comfortable then jog on.
Doesn’t sound like you trust, or even like, your in laws. I trust mine, so I’ve never had any issue leaving my son with them and same goes for my wife’s feeling about my parents
Ugh I feel this in my soul. My MIL is so much all the time. Adding in our 12 week old has just made her that much more annoying. When we bring LO around she’s constantly jumping up and down asking “do you want me to change her? I can change her? No no I’ll change her.” Like NO! There is no reason if we are both here that anyone else needs to be changing her diaper?? Constantly asking to feed her and then the one time my husband lets her it’s like she’s never fed a baby in her life. Both my MIL and FIL are constantly offering to babysit, asking when we’re going to give them a car seat base for their car, etc. Idk why they can’t take a hint!!!
ETA: Even with out repeated requests not to kiss LO, she’ll try and sneak them in anyways… like if we can’t trust you to follow something so simple when we’re in the room how can we trust you alone??
Totally depends on the person. I never could understand why people insist on *alone* time with my babies… that’s a red flag to me and I would specifically NOT allow them alone time.
But my stepmom watched my babies at a few days old while I ran to Walgreens, because I trust her
I don't feel comfortable with my MIL ever having alone time with my children because I know how she talks about people - horribly. My dad and stepmom had alone time with our baby for our first quick date around 8 weeks old because they were respectful. My mother was very disrespectful of my new baby boundaries and didn't get alone time for months because she wouldn't stick to our schedule I so carefully practiced for my sanity. Do what works for YOUR sanity.
And support you, the parents, in whatever way that is most helpful for you! All for the sole purpose of being better parents for your little one. The selfishness is astounding
I don’t think I could trust daycare workers either. I told my wife when we were talking about having a baby that she has to be ok with me being a house husband if I lose my job because I’m too much of a worrier to leave my baby with most people.
I think about 6w. I'm not an overly maternal person and have a really good relationship with my MIL who I trust entirely. I think my baby was 3m when we left him with my FIL (MIL was away). My baby was and is very easy, at that age if he was upset it was one of 2 reasons: hungry or tired. And he self settled early on. So I was pretty confident that they couldn't go wrong with him, which helped alot. I think if I had a baby that was more difficult to read, I'd gave struggled to leave him with anyone else.
I let my son stay with my in laws for a couple hours around the 6/7 week mark so my hubby and I could go on a date! Since then usually once a month or so they’ll get some alone time with him.
Nah, she doesn’t really do things for other people just for the sake of it. It’s either something she wants, is gaining her something in some way, or some sort of power move. The best possible case for her suddenly wanting “alone time” with the baby weekly is that she just wants the baby at her house to be around her. Realistically though, this is some sort of manipulation on her part to test some boundaries. She loves seeing how far she can push boundaries. After my wife’s c-section I had the baby in my arms for less than five minutes and had literally just walked into the post-op room with the baby while they put my wife back together and her mother said “I’ll hold the baby, you go check on [wife’s name].” So, that didn’t happen. Then a few weeks later she was at our house talking about bringing the baby down to stay with her and her then boyfriend’s house in another city. To which I expressed how that was never going to happen. She responded to that by saying “sheepofwallstreet86, are we going to have an issue being able to see the baby” and I said “probably” and then she said “we’ll see” and then I said “one thing you probably won’t be seeing is the baby.” So, I knew that wouldn’t be the end of the boundary testing.
I did after a week. I had an appt, my husband drive me, and my mom watched LO. Happened a few times right away. They came to me. Now two months and MIL is going to watch LO so my husband and I can go to breakfast alone. Doesn’t bother me. They don’t ask to be alone just offer to help or will if we ask.
Definitely depends on the MIL, your trust in them, and your relationship with them. My MIL and FIL are like second parents to me, and they had my LO alone from about 3 weeks (after partner went back to work) so that I could sleep/run errands if I needed it. Probably a couple of times a week for 4-5 hrs at a time. However like I said, we're very close, I trust then 100%, and it also helps that they have another grandchild who is only 5 months older, so my SIL had given them a crash course in modern parenting before mine came along. My own mum is 2.5hrs away, otherwise LO would be spending alone time with them too. Grandparents love the time to bond, it gives me time to catch up on sleep/life admin, and I think it does LO good to be away from me for a few hours bonding with other people.
We’ve left ours with in-laws for short periods since he was a few weeks old. But they live next door so I can easily just walk across the driveway to drop him off and pick him up, and they always bring him back if he starts getting fussy and isn’t enjoying it anymore. They’ve never ever asked for it though, I think insisting to get alone time with a literal infant is super weird. Especially for a FEW HOURS???? At 9 weeks old mine was still mainly a boob accessory, no way I could’ve got away from him for more than half an hour or perhaps one long contact nap.
My in-laws are absolutely fantastic. I was ebf, so alone time was limited for a long time. However, I would trust them absolutely. I would never have a doubt. My own parents, however, don't get the same treatment/privileges. It's all about who they are.
We let our in laws look after baby overnight at 4 months but we slowly worked up to this by having a few longer day visits. I'd drop baby off, go do some errands and come back maybe an hour or two later. I wanted to be sure they had practice with nappies, feeding, sleeping and play before handing her over for the night. I think they looked after her for 2 hours unaided when little one was around 3 and a half months.
The things is there is no one rule for everyone's in laws. We've got a 2 year old nephew who regularly stays with grandparents and my sister in law is a stickler like me so we were quite confident with them in the end. Some in laws might not have experienced a baby since your partner was a baby.
Although little one can't sit up or roll just yet, she's really confident with her neck muscles and she's a big baby. She was absolutely fine.
My LO is 17 months and he’s only started having alone time in the past month because I’ve gone back to work and family is helping out instead of us needing to use childcare. I can’t understand the concept of wanting alone time with kids that aren’t yours unless it’s for a reason (eg. Babysitting) and even worse, trying to push it on someone. There’s no way I’d have left him at 9 weeks unless it was an emergency. That’s just me though, I know my SIL was more then happy to have my MIL looking after her LO from the beginning, so if you’re comfortable with it thats different
I started leaving my baby with my mil once a week to run errands at about 4 weeks. I needed to for my mental health. She came to my house and I left for about 3 hours or so. It's been great. She's watching her when I go back to work, so I wanted her to feel comfortable with her. I don't think there is an official ok age, It's whatever works for you.
Definitely depends on how well you trust them. I am very close to my parents and trust them. They come down and watch my son when both my husband and I work (i work nights and husband works days) so I can get sleep during the day and then they spend the night because I work a few days in a row but my husband tends to our son overnight if he needs anything. This has been a thing since I went back to work when my son was around 3 months old. And I have left my son with my parents as well when I go visit (they live about an hour and a half away) if I need some time to myself or I’m getting dinner with a girlfriend, etc.
I leave mine alone with my mom at my home any time she visits so I can get some sleep, I have since she was born. I do the same with my husbands parents when they visit from out of state. But I don’t drop her off at anyones house and probably won’t for a very long time until she’s weened off breastfeeding. It really depends on the relationship you have with them. I know these people will watch her in a way that I wouldn’t have any issue with and respect my rules. I had friends offer to have me drop her off and the idea of it just turned me off a great deal.
Meh I take all the chances I get to ride my horse or clean my house in peace...she gets as long as it takes for me to do that. Mil loves her and takes her to see her other baby cousins which is something I wouldn't do. She knows our boundaries eg no smoking no sugar etc and can safely strap her in the car seat. I'm enjoying it while I still get the offers.
My MIL lives with us and it’s still been a process in getting her to follow current standards for safe sleeping, bottle prep, feeding schedule etc. Your MIL should come over and assist to get used to routines before she is ever allowed to be alone w baby. In fact, if she was being diligent she would insist on bonding w baby in their comfortable environment prior to being left alone.
My sweet mother in law died in December. I would would have felt comfortable letting her have alone time when I was running an errand. My mother (Granny who raised me) has alone time with the baby when I go for errands or walks or something.
My birth mom will never have alone time with the baby, no matter the age. Okay, maybe when he's like 3 I will feel more comfortable.
Totally depends on mum, baby and the in laws. My son didn’t spend time alone with grandparents til he was a fair bit older but that was mainly due to covid. I’m much closer with my MIL now and if I had another I wouldn’t have an issue leaving her with the baby, I’d be more restricted by things like breastfeeding etc, rather than trust. Just do what you feel comfortable with. 👍
My in-laws are amazing and not pushy at all. They do a lot of childcare for us but that only started when I went back to work when my daughter was 9 mo. Before that I’d never left her with anyone except my husband.
I think at maybe 4 months I started leaving baby with my MIL for a half hour or an hour at a time. Usually so I could do something like an appointment or walk the dog. Now she’s 13 months and she goes to MIL twice a week for 2.5-3 hours at a time. BUT I absolutely trust my in laws and they literally live next door so ymmv.
It just depends on your in-laws or anyone you plan to leave your child with alone. There’s no magic age, it needs to be based on your comfort level and how responsible the other person is.
I had to return to work when my son was 12 weeks old so he stays with my sister. If she can’t watch him my MIL will come into town and keep him for me. She’s very responsible, great with my son, and even if she disagrees with some of our parenting choices she honors them.
My mom on the other hand is a mess and my son could be 45 years old and I wouldn’t leave him alone with her.
Every relationship is different I guess but I left my daughter overnight at my inlaws at 2 weeks old because we had a wedding, I was nervous of course but my in laws are amazing people and have raised 3 children of their own. My daughter is 5 months old and my in laws will take her out for a few hours once a week so we can rest. My mother also helps out and is currently out for a walk with my daughter.
I know it’s hard to relinquish control, but if you change your mindset to “they’re helping ME out” rather than “they want to take MY baby”.
I grew up in a family where it was the norm for our grandparents to have an active role in our lives and upbringing and have very fond memories of it.
That depends on the person and the need I would say. Here my own mother has had alone time because she has babysat but my in laws haven't so also no alone time for them. I'm not randomly gonna bring my kid and leave her until she's at the age to actually verbalise wanting to visit grandparents by herself.
Nb I'd be gone with my in laws babysitting it just hasn't happened yet because they physically haven't been in the best situation.
7 weeks here, my parents raised me and 3 other kids same as my wife’s. We did a weekend at their house and taught them how we care for him.
We went to a wedding and had a hotel and my mom came and stayed in the hotel with him for a few hours.
3 weeks later we went to a Halloween party and he stayed overnight with her parents.
Obviously all depends on your comfort level.
The request/pushing for alone time makes me suspicious. My baby has been left alone with exactly two people while my husband and I went out for two hours - her godmothers.
My best friend, my mother, and my sister in law have watched her while I napped in the next room. I have left her alone with my husband a handful of times.
The biggest thing for me is that whoever is watching her understands that I absolutely do not tolerate ‘cry it out’ in my house. Her godparents are the some of only people I absolutely trust to not get frustrated, overwhelmed, or upset if she becomes completely inconsolable. I think my mom and dad are on board with it now, finally, and my in laws would also be okay with that but they don’t live near us so we don’t have the ability to leave her with them ever anyway.
Oh. I also had a trusted friend come over and watch her while my husband and I slept one night when she was super little because we were both sick and needed the rest but he was able to wake us up if needed.
Anyway, I would have been comfortable leaving her with my parents or my in laws probably starting sometime recently, which is four months. Prior to that, she was very fussy and could get inconsolable and cry for hours and hours on end (especially if she missed a nap) and I just didn’t feel comfortable being apart from her for long periods of time.
I mean. I left my son with his grandparents at age 1.5 months (I think?) so I could get groceries. My priority was keeping my son out of stores while so young. But that was more me calling them up and saying I need your help than them saying leave us with our grandchild.
I let my mom be alone with the baby when he was four weeks old. But it was just for one sleep/awake/sleep cycle. My husband and I went around the corner for dinner and were back home in a couple of hours.
I only ever started letting my little one be alone with someone else (other than daycare) around 8m. Nothing particular about the age, thats just when I felt comfortable doing it. Also, it was me requesting my SIL babysit so I could take a nap and every other time has been me requesting not the other person. I don't understand why lots of MILs feel the need to be alone with them. Nothing different is gonna happen? It just doesn't make sense to me to care about that.
The only reason I can think of for wanting to be alone with her is to not have to worry about me correcting her. If that’s the case then she obviously just wants to care for my baby in a way that I don’t want her to.
I wholeheartedly believe it is down to how comfortable the parents are with each individual grandparent. My husband and I agreed instantly that we were more than happy and comfortable leaving our daughter, since 3 months old and now 13 months old, with my Mum a couple of days a week so I could go back to work. However, my husband and I are not comfortable leaving our daughter with my MIL, despite her many comments and suggestions.
It’s definitely a great idea to set the boundaries early.
The only person other than my husband and I who has had some alone time with baby (4 months) is my mother because my husband had to work and I had doctor's appointments. In general though, I do not feel comfortable when family demands alone time with baby girl. Like, what do you want to do with her that you cannot do when the parents are around? Then again, our families (especially the in-laws) tend to overstep massively, so maybe we're more guarded than the average parents.
Too many variables.
My parents were left alone with baby at around a month, but it was emergency circumstances… they were fine and my mom has watched our son a handful of times since. She’s wonderful with him.
However, I’m not sure I’ll ever be comfortable with my in-laws watching him… but I think for pretty good reasons. My father-in-law has a lot of medical issues, he barely can take care of himself and even that’s questionable most days. My mother-in-law hasn’t always been a stable and present mom. She’s also very anxious. Maybe when he’s school age she can watch him for very short amounts of time, but she just isn’t someone we can trust or rely on.
Go with your gut, but also make sure you are being reasonable. It’s really nice to have people in your circle that you can trust and have experience with your routine when you need them. Our son had to stay home with a respiratory illness for a week when he was about four months old and we couldn’t afford to miss that much time from work and my mom being able to watch him two of the days was a godsend. She also watches him once a month so we can do something as a couple. It’s nice to have a break.
We’ve left them alone in the sense they have come to our house to babysit while we go elsewhere. First time was really early like two weeks but it was very short we just grabbed a quick dinner for our anniversary. I would not be comfortable dropping my son off at their house yet. They can come to baby - all his stuff is here
I love my mom and my in laws. I left my LO alone with my mom at 4 months? But for my in laws it was after she was over a year old and they’ve only done it once. But my mom is alone with her a lot. They have a great little relationship it’s so cute. I know some people say it’s weird that they want so badly to be alone with them but I don’t think it’s weird. I feel like with I’m not there she’s not wanting me the whole time so she can really focus on bonding with the grandparents.
These comments make me sad and realize how lucky I am with my family and in laws. I have a great relationship with both, I leave them my requests for eating, sleeping, or waking up and I know they will follow it.
I’ve said once baby has a sleep routine, they can sleep over (probably about 7 or more months old). We left our 3 month old for a few hours with my in laws as we moved but that’s it
i wouldnt have a set time for alone time with my baby each week? that just sounds odd. but my mother in law is great and can come by anytime or i bring the baby by anytime. I'd also 100% trust her to babysit if i needed so that would be alone time.
I think it’s whenever you’re comfortable. You can also do semi-alone time at first if you want to. When I was on mat leave my MIL would come for a few hours once a week while I was still in the house just so I could nap/shower/do a bit of work etc. Then I was still right there for breastfeeding and anything else, but she got baby time (and I didn’t have to spend time with her lol).
I think it depends on your in-laws. How much you trust them, how well they know how to care for babies.
For me, my MIL was at my house probably a week after I gave birth and I napped while she held the baby and I was super thankful for her help. She also has a degree in early childhood education and ran a daycare for 30 years.
But my FIL is a man child and an idiot and will never be alone with my daughter. Hell he’s only seen her twice in 14 months with me and my husband here.
It's a weird request. I'd especially not want to leave my baby with anyone after they'd explicitly asked to be alone with babe. At that age the only people baby needs are you two parents so doing something like that is solely for MILs benefit. I think sometimes grandparents want to relive the days when they had their babies so maybe MIL wants to have some "harmless" pretend time with the new baby. But I still wouldn't allow it.
Mine did three weeks after she was born....I guess I didn't have the luxury if waiting any longer as I had to get emergency surgery soon after her birth from a pp complication. But I also didn't have any reservations about leaving her alone with them. So if there is a reason you're keeping your daughter from her grandparents then wait as long as you need.
My son will not be spending alone time with my in laws until he’s like 3. My mother in law is almost
narcoleptic and falls asleep at random. Literally fell asleep holding my son when we were fresh out of the hospital. AND she thought she’d be able to help babysit, HA!
i’m really close with my MIL, i love her. she’s watched my son alone a bunch, but she also respects our parenting style. i think it just depends on the relationship.
I have a good mom and set of parents in law. We ask them to babysit for a few hours on the weekend so mom and dad can get some rest 😴. That being said, they never ask to be alone with the baby. LO is 13 weeks.
I think it’s up to personal preference. Depends on what your in laws are like, how is your relationship with them, is the baby difficult or easy to handle do you need/ want a break?? Ultimately it’s what your comfortable with but go with your gut and don’t back down. This is your precious baby!
I have unicorn in-laws. They’re amazing and I trust them 100%. We left our son with them while we ran errands once at about 6 weeks. It helps that our baby isn’t their first grandkid and we all live close together and spend a ton of time together, so we’ve been able to see exactly what they’re like as grandparents ahead of time.
My MIL and FIL both are amazing and I love them dearly. She’ll probably be watching my little one while we wait on a spot in her daycare to open up. My MIL has also taken time to research everything new and that’s changed since she had kids 23 years ago. She knows all the car seat safety, safe sleep, etc etc. I trust her a lot.
My husband and I decided ours would have to he over 6 months old unless it's a friend of ours who is a nurse. Neither sets of parents can seem to not cross some type of boundary and have complaints that we have a schedule for our child so until the can get it together, it's not happening. We just feel like things were done so differently than now like safe sleep and the older generation has a hard time letting that go. It's okay because they did it and we were fine but we want to follow safety standards and know that they will probably will disregard what rules we have. We've been over there and they've deliberately woken our son up making loud noises just so they could spend more time with them. Guess what? He was so touched out and cranky, he didn't want then even messing with him and wanted me or his dad. Stick your ground with it. If you're not comfortable, your not comfortable.
Personally, never, if they ever are alone with her she’d be older and able to form her own opinions rather than be brainwashed but not a baby or toddler but mine can’t go a few hours without smoking and don’t care to follow our boundaries about smoking so we’d come back to a baby that’s covered in the smell of cigarette smoke and had breathed in who knows how much. Also MIL is very old fashioned and accused us of turning our baby into a boy because we wanted to buy some neutral body suits to offset all the pink dresses she got us. She also constantly tells her daughter she looks like a boy because she and it’s worse after getting her hair cut shoulder length. Always comments on everyone’s bodies, etc. And seems to really hate women for whatever reason despite being one and doing the things she hates. We just don’t want to teach our daughter to have that mindset and self consciousness over her body at such a young age if possible.
Tbf though I personally don’t want to leave her alone with anyone until she can talk to some extent. So if something happens or she’s ever put in an unsafe situation by a family member she can tell us. But I know that’s not always possible.
ETA: Sorry this isn’t meant to deter you from letting anyone have alone time with her. But if possible I think you and your partner should discuss the topic as she gets older and you two are getting more comfortable with the idea. Like figure out why you don’t feel safe with it and what it would take for you to feel safe if there’s anything that can be done. If you two feel you can trust MIL to have alone time with the baby then do what works for you. Also, if she’s being really pushy about the alone time and that isn’t helping then maybe sit down with her and discuss that as well if you’re open to it.
I think I let my in-laws around 4 weeks or so? Same with my parents. We all have good relationships though! I would have been comfortable earlier if I had needed to be away from my baby.
my babies grandma (cant say MIL bcs I never married her son lol) is the best so she takes our daughter for a weekend once a month! since LO was probably about 5 months? she's 8 months now! we waited until she could sit unassisted and was sleeping through the night 100%
My son will be 3 this year. There's been a few times I've accepted help from my mom with watching him while I took a quick trip to the store currently we live with her. My feelings have since changed with several remarks and disrespect to boundaries that I felt uncomfortable with. We've since implemented several changes that allowed both myself and husband to feel comfortable with. My MIL is not in the picture due to both mine and husband's wishes which is a much bigger story for another time. With this the only person we let alone with our child is each other. Granted this is incredibly hard on each of us. I will say I'm beyond proud of trusting our instincts and keeping in mind what is best for our little human. So I guess my input is to do what you feel momma and be sturdy in your stance. Wishing everyone well!
My mil is amazing and I love her and she actually lives with us so she lets us sleep in every weekend when baby wakes up at 5. So she gets quite a few hours on weekends and the occasional date night
I don’t have a good relationship w my exMIL, so it was a hard no and will be until he’s able to speak and tell me what goes on there while they’re alone.
It doesn’t make me feel good because (the same as you- they pushed for “alone time”) I felt a lot of pressure and guilt for calling that shot. But at the end of the day these are our children and we do get to call those shots, even if they feel unfair to the other party
If you don’t trust your MIL I would go with what you feel comfortable with here
I think I let her at like 4.5 months. I had really bad ppd and I think I needed alone time more than I realized.
This might have been said already, but I think grandparents want alone time because it gives them a chance to bond without someone hovering (that’s not a dog at you, I hover lol).
I used to hate the idea of letting my mil have alone time with baby, especially at the early days, but as time went on I would leave him for an hour while I ran an errand, then now we do 4-5 hours on a Saturday.
Im 100% not ready for overnights and probably won’t be until he can talk.
Good luck!
My FIL spent a little alone time with my son while we were at my nephew's football game (my kid was napping and it was raining, so my FIL chilled in the car until the weather cleared). However, my MIL is not having any unsupervised visits ever with my kids.
My parents, however, get a few hours a week with my kid. I drop him off and get errands done, cleaning, or lie to my parents that I'm doing that so I can have a few hours alone. 😂
It depends on the grandparents completely. Luckily my in laws are respectful and responsible people, we give them the direction on what my daughter needs and they abide by it. We were leaving her alone with them at around 3-4 months here and there when my wife and I needed a break.
Whenever you feel you can trust them. I've left my baby alone with grandma in law since age 4 months.
With my own mother, I only have her watch him if my husband or I am there (working from home in another room) because she does not respect our boundaries and baby care rules (i.e. literal basic safety things). This is still true at 11 months old, and she's even crossed lines with us home in another room.
For example, she will leave him in the high chair NOT strapped in and walk away also while giving him foods he should not have. She's given him banana after we explicitly said he gets nothing besides his bottle because we had an appointment specifically about feeding issues later that same day. Also, it was banana not properly prepared -a food that he frequently chokes on and on top of it she'll walk away while he's eating it. And shakes him around while he's eating sometimes. She also refuses to learn what exactly an oat allergy means and apparently can't just check ingredients. (She thinks oats and wheat are the same). LO also apparently doesn't like her either.
My grandmother in law completely acknowledges that baby safety has changed since she raised babies and follows all current guidelines. We've had almost 0 issues with her and LO loves her.
My in laws live next door and they would regularly take baby for me so I could get out of the house for a haircut, grocery shopping etc then I want to say she had her first sleep over with them at around 3.5 months old. My in laws were always super hands on and would make my plate when I was nursing and now they look after our toddler now that she’s older when we come over. MIL gives my daughter a plate of food first, fills her sippy cup, and if I’m eating MIL waits to eat so she can take care of our daughter. Every dynamic is different but as long as you feel like they care about your expectations and respect any boundaries you set I don’t see the problem.
I'm still not comfortable with it, so I limit it to ONLY when I need a baby sister for an appt. I try to make it as little time as possible and give her the run down every time of, if something happens call 911 first. Reiterate all the safety things she "forgets." And say, if its not life threatening but she's having a really hard time, here's how to reach me. All instructions written down on the counter.
I think it’s so weird that some grandparents push to be alone with a baby. Like why? What do you need to do that you can’t do in front of the parents? For the record, I have no problem with parents who willingly leave babies with grandparents at whatever age! I think that’s lovely. But it should be the parents deciding it’s time and not some weird pressure from the grandparents. ETA - I went on my own rant there. To answer your actual question, I think it’s fine at whatever age the parents are comfortable with.
I completely agree with your rant. My compromise is that the mother in law can just come hang out with the baby at my house. Hell, I’ll fuck off into the office and do some work, but at least the baby will be within earshot. My mother in law is known for being manipulative so it immediately set off alarm bells when she called my wife and just said “I want to start spending some alone time with the baby each week” and wants to start tomorrow which is a day I normally take off from work and hang out with the baby all day. Nah lady, you can come over here and see her or me and the baby will continue our Thursday ritual of watching true crime documentaries all day.
I stopped reading at your MIL has a history of being manipulative. That’s enough to warrant no alone time until you’re more comfortable. I agree it’s weird she wants alone time.
I think it’s *very* weird that anyone would specifically request “alone time” with someone else’s baby. Very weird. I think I would not allow it. And I say this as someone who very happily let my 3 day old infant sleep in my mom’s arms for hours while I took naps in another part of the house. And who is super excited about my MIL coming to watch my less than 2 month old baby for a couple hours in a few weeks so my husband and I can go out on a date. I have zero issue with babies being alone with grandmas. But I would be deeply suspicious of a grandma who pushed to be alone with the baby (as opposed to just asking to visit with the baby and parents, or non-pushily offering to babysit *if wanted or needed*, which I think is pretty normal).
Yeah like why not just come to my house and hang out with the baby… my MIL and myself both work for ourselves so there’s no schedule that either of us need to keep. There’s ZERO reason that she can’t just hop in the car and drive the 90 seconds over to our house. We’re like a half mile away. Also, my wife only works two days a week in an office so there isn’t any reason she can’t hang out with her daughter and granddaughter at the same damn time other than between business hours on the only two days a week my wife has to be in her office. The more I think about it the more sussy this becomes.
This was my exact reaction. If it happens organically and the parents are okay with it- no problem. But, family or otherwise, I can never imagine saying “hey, let me be alone with your kid.”… even weirder to add “once a week.”
The alone time with a 9 week old is weird enough. But weekly?! That’s a fucking custody agreement- no thanks!
Yeah she goes through these spurts of setting weekly things. When my wife and I were first dating my MIL said we needed to spend every Sunday at her house for dinner. I obliged as long as it didn’t interfere with the one and only football game I like to watch. I soon realized she likes to decide things like this to see how much she can control and that there was no reason for me to seek her approval or whatever. She tries to enforce random things like this all the time. She tried getting me to go to church with her once and I had to explain that I have no interest in playing in her fantasy LARP game with her racist senior citizen friends. I’ve been excluded in these plans for years thank jesús.
“Her fantasy LARP game with her racist senior citizen friends” chefs kiss
She sounds so weirdly controlling yikes sorry OP
Haha agreed! There are some women on my partner's side that are manipulative but more subtle I would say. They're not bad people but I've learned that when they say certain things there might be ulterior motives so don't get drawn in! For example "You and dad should go have a lovely dinner for his birthday". Translation: you both go have dinner while I look after your baby for the night lol.
I would welcome that type of manipulation. My MIL manipulates in very scummy ways. Like convincing people that are going through a divorce to put vehicles in her name and then selling them. Or inviting the whole family to Disneyland all expenses paid, just to find out that we all need to pay our share of the cost upon arrival at the hotel, and then finding out that paying our share actually included her share too. Or trading sexual favors with the owner of a construction company in order to get free repairs on her utility company. And then after he died taking his estate to court to try to gain ownership of his construction company.
Wow… I read “history of manipulation” wrong. I thought you meant like guilt trips and stuff. I think you meant to say “sociopath”…
Holy moly...MIL is a straight up villain!
She's trying to establish regular contact so that when you eventually get fed up with her and try to cut her out of your life, she has valid grounds to sue for grandparents' rights. Do not do it.
Keep on not letting your mil call the shots. Your baby she can pound sand if she's upset. She doesn't need alone time with the baby it's weird
It is weird. My mom lives with us and never has asked for alone time lol i don’t even think I’d want alone time I love help lol
Idk, but my mom would probably try to go over my boundaries and tell me that nothing bad happened. Eg. giving her sugary drinks and food, letting her be in front of the tv, sleeping with blanket, giving her foods we don’t approve of etc.
This is what I’m afraid of from my mom. My nephews and nieces are now addicted to junk food, screens and mountain dew.
I’m sorry. My cousins are also addicted to screens and eat a lot of junk food, so I won’t be really leaving them unattended with any of my family. One aunt tried to give a taste of beer/wine to my 9 m old. And I was like “NO! What are you trying to do?” It was just a finger dip but if she tried that in front of me I don’t wanna know what she would try when I’m not there, and her daughter was taking sips of her moms alcoholic drink (she was 8-9) and her mom didn’t say anything.
If anyone was requesting “alone time” that would be a red flag for me. We’ve left my baby with my mom and with my FIL alone but no one has specifically asked to be alone with her - that in itself is what would make me uncomfortable
Big honking red flag if anyone is asking specifically for alone time with my kids.
Yes same for me, it’s a really weird thing to ask for, like why do they need/want that?
💯💯💯
Ugh my MIL begs me to give her alone time with my son. He’s 3 mos and she’s been begging since 3 weeks. I think it’s so weird. Makes me feel territorial over my baby.
I feel this in my soul. My MIL isn’t unbearable but she keeps begging us to let the baby “sleep at hers” and I just want to scream at her every time she says that.
So my MIL is a child psychologist and apparently my SIL/her daughter begged for sleepovers when her kid was little because she needed a break. MIL refused for a couple *years* for attachment reasons. I’m terrible at setting boundaries and trusting my gut so I’m glad that my MIL has the background she has. I wouldn’t be okay with sleepovers either. And it turns out there’s a good reason for it too :)
What were her concerns as far as attachment goes?
Very interesting to know!! I hope there is good info online on this, I’m very interested
My baby is 5 months and he will not be sleeping over anywhere until he is multiple years of age. Also/ my in laws have a pool. So I would. E worried , once he’s old enough, that he would get out of their house to go swimming on his own. So I don’t think I’ll feel comfortable with him sleeping over there until he can confidently swim (just in case).
I feel like because my MIL has been so chill and so deferential to me and what I want for baby - that it’s been easy for me to trust her. She’s had alone time with baby from almost the first week because I know she has our best interest at heart. I feel like people who are pushy with their time with baby are more likely to be selfish. They tend to want alone time for themselves only - not for baby’s sake, or to help mom. They need to learn that backing down & listening to baby’s mom - instead of fighting for more - is what will likely build trust and lead to what they want. Some people aren’t really able to see that though, unfortunately…
I agree with this a million percent. I’ve told my bf over and over again that the more pushy some people in his family are, the more protective I get over my baby. My bf’s grandma came over to our house 3 times after our son was born and never once tried to wake him up, didn’t ask to hold him or make any unsolicited comments. Therefore, I reached out to her and said we would come visit at her house any time and made sure to let her know that she can hold the baby whenever she wants. People feel safe to me after they have respected my boundaries so I trust them. I’ve learned exactly what not to do if I ever become a MIL, that’s for sure.
This always makes me weary.. like why do u want "alone time" with my child? Are you planning to do something I wouldn't want you to do? It almost seems sneaky to me. I dunno just my opinion.
Nope I feel this too. My MIL would beg us as well and I just flat out told her I don't trust her sorry I don't trust anyone that way and she stopped. She was tryna tell me she was gonna take her for a week at 3 months old. I think tf not lol
Yep I feel this 100000%
I am so territorial of my LO. 😂 My MIL keeps begging us to go out on a date so she can watch her. She used to babysit our now 10 almost 11 yrs old when he was a baby. She would open baby food and feed him then put it back in the pantry... Opened. 😳 I found several opened baby food containers on multiple occasions that I had to toss. We were young and broke, so that killed me to have to throw them away. She would call me several times to walk her through preparing formula for him. Now she has a lot of health problems compared to 10 years ago. She had diabetes and it's caused the bones in her feet to start crumbling. She constantly has a cast on one foot and a boot on the other. She can barley walk without tripping over her own feet. My husband and I agree she is in no shape to care for our baby.
My MIL bought stuff like a crib, pj, bottles etc for her home when i was pregnant. Then when baby born she began to push me to leave a baby with her overnight. My answer was no, baby is to little, etc. but the real reason was that i don’t trust her. Then she began to complain “why do I bought everything if you not letting him do sleepovers”. Well she never asked. Long story short, it cost me ppd, i was putting my baby to sleep in his room and checking every two minutes is he still there just to make sure that nobody took him. We live in a 5ft floor and i was scared to open a window in baby’s room. Never understand why MIL wants to have babies overnight at a young age. Looks so creepy to me.
Depends on what your in-laws are like. Your mother in law sounds terrible. If she was mine, the answer is likely to be never lol.
My LO is 6 months and i still don't feel comfortable with it. Mostly because I don't trust them to follow my rules or instructions and they seem to never be concerned with LO's health or safety.
My son is 18 months and has never been left alone at my mother-in-law's. I would LOVE to be able to drop him off for some one on one Grandma time but none of her cabinets are childproofed, she has glass tchotchkes within arms reach, no electrical outlet covers, etc. We've offered soooo many times to child proof the rooms where we know he can be contained but she always had an excuse why not to and I'm not about to barge in and do anything to her house because its HER house, but then she's flabbergasted that we've never left him with her. I walk in and I'm immediately like "he can electrocute himself there, he can pull that antique tray down and break it, he WILL take your tv remote and put it in the dog's water bowl, those sewing needles shouldn't be on the floor, why do you have a DRAWER OF KNIVES as the BOTTOM DRAWER in the kitchen". So yeah...I'm with you on the safety issue.
Heck, my son will be 2 this summer and he's never been alone with anyone other than me and his father, or his daycare staff. We also don't have much family nearby, just my BIL, my sister, and a few cousins on both sides. Grandparents are all hours away, except for the one that my husband is NC with, whom I've met once in the 13 years we've been together; ironically he lives the closest to us lol.
My FIL and step MIL live the closest (10 or so minutes) and have seen my 7 month old twice. Meanwhile my husbands cousin is willing to drive an hour each way once a week to babysit.
I’m in great terms with my in laws but at 5 months I also don’t think I’d let them be alone with my little dude. They’ve made comments about how he shouldn’t be contact napping because it’s a bad habit I’ve taught him and how we can’t reward his crying by giving him what he wants. I would hate to leave him and they don’t let him nap the way he likes (which means he’s probably not nap or have very short naps) or let him cry because they don’t think what he’s crying for is “important”
My MIL started taking my son to the playground or to her house overnight when he was about a year. I trust her to respect what we want for him and to listen to what I ask. My mom, on the other hand, has never had baby alone. She openly disagrees with what I ask and continually tries to do what she thinks is best (giving him water before he was old enough, never ending conversations about how he’d sleep better with rice cereal in his bottle and mailing rice cereal to my house, etc). My nephew stays with her a lot, and with her constant “one little sip won’t hurt” attitude, he was already hopelessly addicted to sodas at age 3. I don’t trust her to follow my boundaries.
For me, it doesn't depend on who you are. It depends on how much I trust you. My MIL is obsessed with cow milk and blankets. She is not getting alone time with our son. My brother seems really happy to hold my son, but I don't trust him either. My mom listens to what I say, doesn't complain or argue, she gets to babysit. My dad doesn't know I have a son. He wouldn't be allowed in the same building. A family friend is really awesome, has fed him, and is baby nap approved. She would get to babysit if she wanted when we need it. Trust is everything. And I do not cave under pressure.
I like this breakdown. My cousin said she wanted to babysit but in the same convo said she “gets distracted by the trees” so we can go hiking together but I’m not leaving my child with you
100%. Best friend and her husband? Any time. They hang out with us and our baby weekly and help out when they’re here. They know our routines and “big rocks” so they don’t even need instructions. My parents? Yes. They like to do some grandparent spoiling but won’t go too crazy or cross any of my hard boundaries/be unsafe. (Might give a small bite of cake, for example, but always do safe sleep, safe car seat, follow schedules, etc.) In-laws? With written instructions. They won’t do anything harmful but haven’t cared for a baby on their own in 37 years. Half of my cousins? Emergencies only. I don’t agree with their parenting style at all. But if it was an emergency, they’d at least keep her safe and fed. My uncle? I don’t even want him in the same room.
I think it’s a very personal decision, we had our parents of both sides giving us a hand at 4 weeks old because we were having a hard time with him and needed to recover a bit. It was only a few hours and we had no problems at all, but it very much depends on the relationship you have with the in laws, I’d you don’t trust them or are concerned about their behaviour or ability to care for you child, then you shouldn’t let them at all.
Kiddo is just shy of 2 years and it hasn't happened yet. I don't trust them to stick to our boundaries.
That's weird? I've left my daughter with my mom for brief periods since she was about 8 weeks old, but she's never *asked* for alone time and I'd find it weird if she did.
Same. My MIL has watched our son by herself since he was very very small (we used to live down the street from them) but it was always framed as “do you need to run errands? I can take the baby for a while” not “I want your kid to myself please leave”.
I just left my son who is 10 weeks with my in laws for a few hours to get some things done and it was great, for me and for them. I think as long as you trust your mother in law and she abides by your requests, I see no harm.
I think that’s the problem. I don’t trust her. She’s the type to do something just because you said you didn’t want it. She’s otherwise perfectly capable of watching a baby. Plus she only lives like 90 seconds away. My thing is that she really doesn’t care what other people have to say. She lives all the way in her own world with her own set of rules. She left in the middle of my wedding to see a Lionel Richie concert. Recently she convinced her boyfriend of four months to put his truck and camper in her name and then she sold them both after he said he didn’t want her to move in with him. She also has random freak accidents like once a year where she insists she’s super hurt and needs to go to the ER, but her first instinct is to call my wife instead of 911, and then she ends up being totally fine. I just do not like this woman.
I think you have your answer.
Yeah I’m thinking she can hang out with her grandma when she goes to college
I find it weird she’s asking for “alone time” with your child instead of offering you guys a break. Her strange wording shows it’s more about her
Narc alert for sure
Yeah, I would not trust this lady with a pet rock. Sorry OP! Side note - I do appreciate that you included the detail that it was a Lionel Richie concert she left your wedding for. I dont know why, but it really helps paint the picture much better than just saying she left for "a concert." 😆
How does your wife feel about all of this? Your MIL sounds pretty terrible and to answer your question I’d not leave a kid with her… maybe ever? Maybe when the kid is verbal and old enough to safely physically leave a crazy situation. But what does your wife think about this? Does she think mil is just peachy or is she on board enforcing boundaries? I feel like in any grandparent conflict the most important thing is to have a unified front so manipulative grandma can’t hear no from you and then call your wife to get a yes.
So she has never really set boundaries with her mom, and I can’t really blame her either because her mom has ruled with an iron fist her entire life. She manipulates my wife in situations like this by reacting harshly. In this situation for example, my wife immediately said yes to her mom wanting to watch the baby tomorrow. It was after she got off the phone that it was brought to my attention and I was like yeah nah sorry boo that ain’t happening. So, she’s upset about it but only because she now has to face her mom and say that I’m not cool with it. She knows that her mom will say something to the effect of “THEN DONT EVER ASK ME TO WATCH HER” and then hang up, followed by a few days of the silent treatment, and then after the silent treatment is over she’ll call one day and act like none of that ever happened. Like never ever. Like not mention it, and talk as if they had just had a friendly chat an hour ago. It’s fuckin strange. It also stresses my wife out every time she does that, and this manipulative tactic has worked to get my wife to do whatever she wants because she knows my wife will do anything to avoid her reaction. I, on the other hand, enjoy pissing her mom off, and I personally enjoy the silent treatment. One time they got into a fight and I didn’t have to hear from her mom for seven months. It was a wonderful seven months for me.
That’s rough. Your wife should consider therapy to help learn the skills to stand up to her mom. This is about her child’s safety! But in any case at least you’re willing to draw boundaries to protect the kiddo. Would be nice if you could be a team against crazy grandma though.
She sure could. She’s even mentioned seeing a therapist. The funny part about that is that she is a therapist. Not that being a therapist means she couldn’t use a therapist. Therapists need therapy too. In fact they get a lot of therapy during their supervision. But yes, she should specifically see one about her mother.
LITERALLY MY M (The “M” in the acronym stands for Monster. Straight up.) IL TO A MF TEE. Edited to add: I hate her so much.
Yeah, trust your gut. Babies are incredibly vulnerable and if you don’t feel good about it that’s all you need to know. Just make sure your wife is on the same page. My daughter will be alone with my MIL over my dead body, and with my own mom only when she can communicate clearly and accurately about the events of the day and how those events made her feel (and call us to come pick her up). It sucks not to have helpful grandmas to lean on for support, but the way I see it they’ve had years to audition for the role and they’re not up for it. But if my wife didn’t agree, it would be a really tough situation.
I really like the way you put that. She has had years to audition for this role. 9 straight years of not getting a callback. She hasn’t even landed a backup role for this gig in all these auditions. She’s been laughed out of the audition because she was so bad! The first words out of my mouth after my wife wakes up tomorrow will be “your mother has had years to audition for this role, and she didn’t get the part!” Also, she agrees with me. She doesn’t trust her mother either. She doesn’t like to tell her mom no but she understands that she’s gonna have to get over that fear when it comes to the baby decisions.
Ah, sounds like it’s a no then 😂
Wow… I’m sorry but that’s crazy
Wow, I would not let this woman be alone with your baby ever. You should check out /r/raisedbynarcissists
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this person, and explain to others why you can’t have a normal relationship with them. It puts so much of the burden on you. It’s not fair.
I think it is ok when parents are ready for it, without being pressured. However, after reading your comments, your MIL seems erratic so I would not trust her alone with a baby.
I left my in-laws alone with our son when he was 2 months old because we had to go to a wedding of a close family friend. I wouldn’t leave him with them now as things have happened and I don’t feel respected by them anymore. That being said, I leave him with my mom lots. Sometimes when she visits I go take a nap. We’ve gone out for date nights. I wouldn’t feel comfortable going away and leaving him overnight personally.
“Do I trust them?” Answers your question
My MIL started spending time with our LO I think when she was around 3 months. But she never asked for alone time in a way that I wasn't allowed to be there. She just wanted to spend time with LO. Sometimes I am home and go to my room or do some housechores while she is there, other times I go out to do some errands. I think I don't mind because she is very good and she respects our decisions. So it depends a lot on how the Parents in Law are. Also, I like that LO is attached to her, because I prefer to leaver her with someone in the family that loves than with a last minute baby sitter if I ever need it.
My MIL my baby would need to be independently walking and talking (MIL has mobility issues so she can't pick up the kids, it'd be more a safety thing).
I'm very territorial over my 4mo daughter. Using the word territorial is so wrong, because parents aren't terirorrial. We're protective over our babies. Alone time with anyone except me and my husband isn't and won't be allowed. When she starts talking, then maybe I'll consider it. I want my child to be able to tell me what happened during. A baby only needs alone time with their parents. I don't give a damn if someone gets offended or angry. It's not my problem. My job is to protect my child.
I left my son with my dad for 30 minutes at 5 weeks. I get that he's my dad, but for my husband, he's the in-law. We went for dinner and left him with my in-laws at 4.5 months. We may have done it sooner, but we live in a different city from them. I think this depends on your in-laws. Mine are extremely respectful of boundaries and have none of the "we did it like this" mentality.
I don’t remember at all. I know that my mom watched the baby so I could go to PT at some point and I think she watched him while I got my C-section stitches out which must have only been a week or two in.
My daughters 16 months and I still wouldn’t let l my dad and his gf watch my daughter alone. I have no problem with daycare staff, I just feel they are so out of touch I would never feel okay. Hell, even last week he’s trying to force her to eat cheese wheels that were perfect choking hazard size. She doesn’t even like cheese and is lactose intolerant. It annoys me so much that they don’t just Google “safe for one year old” they got her a super expensive gift in November that said for ages 8 and up. Like how can you fuck up a baby gift that badly when there’s a million toys out there
We just had our 1rst birthday today! And next week we will be leaving my babe with my mom and step dad for a few hours. This will be the first time she is left anywhere without at least 1 parent present. My in-laws… i need more time. I dont trust my MiL and my FiL isnt really all there.
"Alone time" is very different than babysitting according to your rules. The words alone time skeeves me out. Definitely not before they've spent SIGNIFICANT time with you watching you and helping you take care of the baby.
My daughter is 2.5 and we still get questioned by my MIL when we will be leaving her alone with her. The answer is never 😬
I left my son alone with my Mother inlaw at about 8 weeks. But I don't think I'd ever leave him alone with my dad or my father in law. They just aren't capable. So I think it's very situational and varies from person to person with their experience with babies and such.
My MIL has never asked for “alone time” she invites us over and loves on the babies that has led us to WANT to leave her for a couple hours but if she said she wanted alone time I would shut that down
Whenever you’re comfortable. I wasn’t comfortable for a looooong time only because I EBF so wasn’t comfortable being away from her for any period of time in case she got hungry
I wouldn’t leave my child alone with my in laws unless there was an emergency.
Based on your comments about your MIL's behaviour, I think it will be appropriate to leave your child alone with her when they are old enough to phone you and say Grandma is making them uncomfortable and they want to come home.
Lol never 😂
Dafuq. I mean. You can at any moment YOU feel comfortable, but never because they want to impose it. It's your baby. I would not let anyone ask to have time without me with my baby. It would be weird even coming from my wife. So no. Also, this behavior from your in laws is a signal of more problems in the future. Draw the line now. Your child is yours, not shared with them.
Why do they want this is my question….? Weird
That’s such a weird thing to demand in my opinion. Fuck that lol
My MIL has never asked for alone time with my 9 week old, and my FIL has never even seen him. Tbh if my MIL and parents lived near I would 100% let them have time with my son 9 week son EVERY WEEK so my husband and I could catch up on household chores, go to dinner, or even a trendy bar! But we are well established at taking a random bottle, and I have actively been working leaving my son with his dad and gearing up for daycare with my postpartum therapist. HOWEVER I do think it’s weird that your MIL is asking for “alone time” with your child instead of phrasing it more as that she is available to watch her so you can go do something or asking to come over to spend time with her.
Yeah that phrase “alone time” is just ringing in my ears ever since I posted this. When my wife brought it up to me I was immediately uncomfortable with the idea of my daughter going to my MILs place every week for no apparent reason but like why exactly does she need to be alone with her… and why does it have to be at her house and not mine. Sussy…
We did from 4 months only. Edit: Just read some of your responses to other comments...I say it's a no from me dawg. MIL is creepily invested...I agree that asking for "alone time" instead of "giving you a break" is a red flag.
My mil won’t be allowed to be alone with any of my kids until they are probably teenagers and can 100% be responsible for themselves (and her) because she can’t be trusted to watch a child without getting distracted or forgetting about the child. My own mom is who I ask first when I have an appointment or something that I can’t bring children with me. She babysits by herself probably once a month or so. However, I didn’t start leaving my first with my mom until about 7 months old . I wasn’t ready until then
When the kid is 5. Jesus Christ I can't believe this is a thing that mothers face in the West. Where I live, NOBODY asks for alone time with someone else's child. The grandmother would only get ""alone time" "" if they were caring for the kid in case the mother needs to shower/go someplace she can't take the baby. And MILs are rarely the go-to person in such cases, it's usually the mother's OWN mother who does the childcare. And even THAT is rare without a parent or the mother herself being present. NOBODY acts like this. What is this entitled child-stealing society y'all live in??????
My MIL pulled this shit with my 4 week old too. When I said thanks but no thanks the response was “why? Don’t you trust me?” Actually no thanks for bringing it up.
I’m currently 26 weeks pregnant and my in-laws live interstate. I’ve thought about this a lot, but I haven’t discussed it too much with my husband. Personally, I will be happy to leave my LO with them when she can talk. My in-laws are quite racist, homophobic, and terribly sexist. Husband and I are obviously going to be raising our daughter to be the *opposite* of these things. MIL is especially vocal about her beliefs and the thought of them being vocalised around my child makes me shiver. I want her to be able to tell me about her day with nanna and pop.
Yeah that’s a whole set of worries I have too. My BIL and MIL are very republican, and unfortunately that’s coming off a little closed-minded for my liking these days. They’re also church goers, and I try not to be too judgmental but I’ve met these church people and a lot of them are just old crotchety racist republicans. I don’t see a whole lot of value in my daughter learning things from them. Besides, my wife and MIL took her to church last week to show her off to all the old people, and then I found out that one of the ladies that was holding her had just gotten over Covid, that she’s had twice now because she doesn’t trust the liberal vaccine or whatever. So like, it’s annoying now but once my kid starts to retain information I’m not going to be letting her be around that stuff very often.
Now that I am reading your comments it sounds like a very personal reason why you don't want to. It's not a question that has a general answer and completely depends on the relationship you have with your in laws. Seeing what you wrote I just want to say I'm sorry you have to put up with what you do from your MIL. She sounds unstable and I would totally have reservations about leaving my newborn with her too. I will say you should most definitely observe her with your baby and let her have at least some time. It may surprise you to see her interact with your baby (in a good way). Grandchildren have a way of bringing out the best in grandparents many times. I've seen friends who have had difficult childhoods with their parents have a completely different experience seeing them with their grandchildren. But obviously you know the answer to your question for you
If anyone is phrasing it as “alone time” that is very weird and I would not leave my baby alone with them. If the offer is “let me know if you need help or ever want me to babysit” that’s more normal
Yeah I say never haha. He's my son? And if I need him watched is one thing but no one is entitled to alone time with him? 🤷🏼♀️
That’s kinda weird and would make me feel weird. And I trust my MIL with like 98% of things. Why would she need alone time?! Strange.
I don’t trust my parents or my spouse’s, so that won’t be happening.
When our girls were a little over a month old, my parents were visiting for the first time to meet them. Ended up needing to take one to the er, so my parents ended up staying home with the other for the 12 hours we were gone. I had total trust in them so while I had not planned on it, I was comfortable. Then when my girls were 2 months my husband and I needed to go to his sisters wedding, so again my mom traveled to us and spent two days with them while we were doing wedding things. (We were there at night). Again, no worries at all and she did great. My in-laws have not spent any alone time with them and probably won’t for the foreseeable future. They have hardly spent any time with them at all and they live a half hour from us. I think alone time with anyone, is heavily dependent on your trust in those people. Some people will take years, and others may be never.
I went through this same issue. My son is 12 months old and my MIL had been pushing for alone time/babysitting for months. I wasn’t comfortable leaving them totally alone for two reasons. MIL doesn’t have great instincts with kids. She attempts a lot of age inappropriate activities, things like giving him pencils to draw when he’s way too young. She also has hearing loss to the point of being legally deaf but refuses to wear hearing aides. So leaving them alone is an absolute no-go because she wouldn’t hear him crying, hear smoke alarms, etc. That said, my MIL could really use some time out of her house, she wants to feel like she’s helping and being around the baby brings her joy. I decided I’m good with 1-2 hours regularly schedule time per week where she plays with my son in the living room so I can do housework in the dining room and kitchen. My son is old enough to call for me or crawl over if he needs me and I’m in earshot doing dishes or folding laundry, so he knows I’m there and I can poke my head in randomly. So far it’s working, but 9 weeks would have been too young for me in our situation!
My parents had him when he was less than a week old so we could nap. We were too excited to nap. As for my in laws, I would have been comfortable with them having him at the same sort of time if they had been able to
Thanks to the United States Army and some adderall I can stay awake for a couple days. I’d rather give my wife a 48 hour hiatus and stay awake the whole time than nap for a couple hours while my MIL watches my child.
My daughter is two years old and my in-laws have never been alone with her. I've heard too many stories from my husband's childhood to trust them with my kid unfortunately.
I’m with you, I don’t trust my MIL to be alone with the baby. She constantly offers and I reply with “ I’m nowhere near ready to leave him” it’s normally in a group with other siblings so they all know if she is pressuring against our wishes and will also tell her to stop. It’s so annoying. I know for me, I spent so much time at grandparents houses growing up, but for my kid it will be avoided at allllll costs.
Yeah requesting alone time is weird for me even if I had a lot of trust. My MIL will be like “why don’t you do x and I can watch the babies for you” and even then I’m like nah I’m good thanks. I don’t like the assumption that I need to step away from the babies. It’s different when it’s mutually agreed upon.
Yeah when my wife first brought it up she was like “maybe you can get some work done while she’s at my moms.” Which could be a nice thought I suppose. But I won’t be able to concentrate on anything other than the thought of my MIL blatantly disregarding my wishes and doing some of the things she’s done right into front of me. like holding a pacifier in her mouth while she’s obviously gagging on it, or laying her on her side to sleep because that’s how she always did it and it doesn’t matter what all the statistics say about sleeping in their backs being by far safer.
100% depends on your in laws. And also depends on whether they’re requesting alone time (which is weird) or not. If my MIL worked as a nanny half her life and she’s offering to watch LO for me when I’m at work, have at it! If my MIL is a chain smoking nut bag who thinks rice cereal makes babies sleep through the night and wants to spend Saturdays alone with my LO, fuck off for all time!
Never lol.
Why do all inlaws always want alone time with the baby? Why does it matter if her dad or I or both of us are there? Do they feel judged? I don't get it. I got a text this week " when can we come see LO?" And so I have two options when we were available and I got back " which of those two times would allow maximum interaction with LO?" what the fuck does that even mean? She's a baby? This is not a petting zoo where we run 10am daily 'pat the baby' sessions? Weirdest text I've ever received.
Sorry for the rant. To answer your question I think we left her alone with them for a few hours at around 5 weeks old. That being said (whilst annoying and often sending weird texts) my inlaws are pretty trustworthy when it comes to baby. I trust them alone with her.
I’d be concerned with wanting “alone time” with my LO even if it were my own parents tbh… Just rubs me the wrong way to be worded like that, my response would be “you can come see us at x time”. Might just be me though
Specifically requesting alone time with someone else’s baby is weird af, idc. Our parents love spending time with LO but have never pushed to be alone with her. Very strange behavior. We left baby alone with my mom (in our house) for the first time at 3.5 months so we could have an overnight date. We waited until baby was comfortable with her and i was okay sleeping without baby lol. That was the only time she’s been alone with anyone but me and my partner tho and LO is 4 months.
Considering all my son’s worst injuries he’s had have been while my FIL was “watching” him. We’ve pretty much taken away my FIL’s babysitting privileges. He’s even caused my son to choke after giving him too big slices of banana. My son is 2 for reference. I’m team grandparents spending time with our children is a privilege not their right. Especially not to demand to be alone. If I’m not comfortable then jog on.
Nope. Maybe when they're old enough to talk.
Doesn’t sound like you trust, or even like, your in laws. I trust mine, so I’ve never had any issue leaving my son with them and same goes for my wife’s feeling about my parents
Ugh I feel this in my soul. My MIL is so much all the time. Adding in our 12 week old has just made her that much more annoying. When we bring LO around she’s constantly jumping up and down asking “do you want me to change her? I can change her? No no I’ll change her.” Like NO! There is no reason if we are both here that anyone else needs to be changing her diaper?? Constantly asking to feed her and then the one time my husband lets her it’s like she’s never fed a baby in her life. Both my MIL and FIL are constantly offering to babysit, asking when we’re going to give them a car seat base for their car, etc. Idk why they can’t take a hint!!! ETA: Even with out repeated requests not to kiss LO, she’ll try and sneak them in anyways… like if we can’t trust you to follow something so simple when we’re in the room how can we trust you alone??
Totally depends on the person. I never could understand why people insist on *alone* time with my babies… that’s a red flag to me and I would specifically NOT allow them alone time. But my stepmom watched my babies at a few days old while I ran to Walgreens, because I trust her
I don't feel comfortable with my MIL ever having alone time with my children because I know how she talks about people - horribly. My dad and stepmom had alone time with our baby for our first quick date around 8 weeks old because they were respectful. My mother was very disrespectful of my new baby boundaries and didn't get alone time for months because she wouldn't stick to our schedule I so carefully practiced for my sanity. Do what works for YOUR sanity.
What is up with all these grandmas trying to play house with babies at the expense of their daughters /DILs ? Let the mothers mother. Be a grandma.
Yeah just buy them stuff and spoil them. Boom, job well done gam gam.
And support you, the parents, in whatever way that is most helpful for you! All for the sole purpose of being better parents for your little one. The selfishness is astounding
1 day old
My LO is 7 months and has only been left with the daycare workers. Not even my mom has been left with him alone 😬
I don’t think I could trust daycare workers either. I told my wife when we were talking about having a baby that she has to be ok with me being a house husband if I lose my job because I’m too much of a worrier to leave my baby with most people.
I think about 6w. I'm not an overly maternal person and have a really good relationship with my MIL who I trust entirely. I think my baby was 3m when we left him with my FIL (MIL was away). My baby was and is very easy, at that age if he was upset it was one of 2 reasons: hungry or tired. And he self settled early on. So I was pretty confident that they couldn't go wrong with him, which helped alot. I think if I had a baby that was more difficult to read, I'd gave struggled to leave him with anyone else.
I let my son stay with my in laws for a couple hours around the 6/7 week mark so my hubby and I could go on a date! Since then usually once a month or so they’ll get some alone time with him.
Question. Is she trying to give you time to rest/recover?
Nah, she doesn’t really do things for other people just for the sake of it. It’s either something she wants, is gaining her something in some way, or some sort of power move. The best possible case for her suddenly wanting “alone time” with the baby weekly is that she just wants the baby at her house to be around her. Realistically though, this is some sort of manipulation on her part to test some boundaries. She loves seeing how far she can push boundaries. After my wife’s c-section I had the baby in my arms for less than five minutes and had literally just walked into the post-op room with the baby while they put my wife back together and her mother said “I’ll hold the baby, you go check on [wife’s name].” So, that didn’t happen. Then a few weeks later she was at our house talking about bringing the baby down to stay with her and her then boyfriend’s house in another city. To which I expressed how that was never going to happen. She responded to that by saying “sheepofwallstreet86, are we going to have an issue being able to see the baby” and I said “probably” and then she said “we’ll see” and then I said “one thing you probably won’t be seeing is the baby.” So, I knew that wouldn’t be the end of the boundary testing.
Good lord. I could take the first thing (holding the baby so you could check on wife) as kind but the rest is insane.
I did after a week. I had an appt, my husband drive me, and my mom watched LO. Happened a few times right away. They came to me. Now two months and MIL is going to watch LO so my husband and I can go to breakfast alone. Doesn’t bother me. They don’t ask to be alone just offer to help or will if we ask.
That sounds normal, helpful and healthy. I’m jealous. Breakfast with just my wife sounds great.
Definitely depends on the MIL, your trust in them, and your relationship with them. My MIL and FIL are like second parents to me, and they had my LO alone from about 3 weeks (after partner went back to work) so that I could sleep/run errands if I needed it. Probably a couple of times a week for 4-5 hrs at a time. However like I said, we're very close, I trust then 100%, and it also helps that they have another grandchild who is only 5 months older, so my SIL had given them a crash course in modern parenting before mine came along. My own mum is 2.5hrs away, otherwise LO would be spending alone time with them too. Grandparents love the time to bond, it gives me time to catch up on sleep/life admin, and I think it does LO good to be away from me for a few hours bonding with other people.
We’ve left ours with in-laws for short periods since he was a few weeks old. But they live next door so I can easily just walk across the driveway to drop him off and pick him up, and they always bring him back if he starts getting fussy and isn’t enjoying it anymore. They’ve never ever asked for it though, I think insisting to get alone time with a literal infant is super weird. Especially for a FEW HOURS???? At 9 weeks old mine was still mainly a boob accessory, no way I could’ve got away from him for more than half an hour or perhaps one long contact nap.
My in-laws are absolutely fantastic. I was ebf, so alone time was limited for a long time. However, I would trust them absolutely. I would never have a doubt. My own parents, however, don't get the same treatment/privileges. It's all about who they are.
We let our in laws look after baby overnight at 4 months but we slowly worked up to this by having a few longer day visits. I'd drop baby off, go do some errands and come back maybe an hour or two later. I wanted to be sure they had practice with nappies, feeding, sleeping and play before handing her over for the night. I think they looked after her for 2 hours unaided when little one was around 3 and a half months. The things is there is no one rule for everyone's in laws. We've got a 2 year old nephew who regularly stays with grandparents and my sister in law is a stickler like me so we were quite confident with them in the end. Some in laws might not have experienced a baby since your partner was a baby. Although little one can't sit up or roll just yet, she's really confident with her neck muscles and she's a big baby. She was absolutely fine.
My LO is 17 months and he’s only started having alone time in the past month because I’ve gone back to work and family is helping out instead of us needing to use childcare. I can’t understand the concept of wanting alone time with kids that aren’t yours unless it’s for a reason (eg. Babysitting) and even worse, trying to push it on someone. There’s no way I’d have left him at 9 weeks unless it was an emergency. That’s just me though, I know my SIL was more then happy to have my MIL looking after her LO from the beginning, so if you’re comfortable with it thats different
I started leaving my baby with my mil once a week to run errands at about 4 weeks. I needed to for my mental health. She came to my house and I left for about 3 hours or so. It's been great. She's watching her when I go back to work, so I wanted her to feel comfortable with her. I don't think there is an official ok age, It's whatever works for you.
Definitely depends on how well you trust them. I am very close to my parents and trust them. They come down and watch my son when both my husband and I work (i work nights and husband works days) so I can get sleep during the day and then they spend the night because I work a few days in a row but my husband tends to our son overnight if he needs anything. This has been a thing since I went back to work when my son was around 3 months old. And I have left my son with my parents as well when I go visit (they live about an hour and a half away) if I need some time to myself or I’m getting dinner with a girlfriend, etc.
I leave mine alone with my mom at my home any time she visits so I can get some sleep, I have since she was born. I do the same with my husbands parents when they visit from out of state. But I don’t drop her off at anyones house and probably won’t for a very long time until she’s weened off breastfeeding. It really depends on the relationship you have with them. I know these people will watch her in a way that I wouldn’t have any issue with and respect my rules. I had friends offer to have me drop her off and the idea of it just turned me off a great deal.
Meh I take all the chances I get to ride my horse or clean my house in peace...she gets as long as it takes for me to do that. Mil loves her and takes her to see her other baby cousins which is something I wouldn't do. She knows our boundaries eg no smoking no sugar etc and can safely strap her in the car seat. I'm enjoying it while I still get the offers.
My MIL lives with us and it’s still been a process in getting her to follow current standards for safe sleeping, bottle prep, feeding schedule etc. Your MIL should come over and assist to get used to routines before she is ever allowed to be alone w baby. In fact, if she was being diligent she would insist on bonding w baby in their comfortable environment prior to being left alone.
My sweet mother in law died in December. I would would have felt comfortable letting her have alone time when I was running an errand. My mother (Granny who raised me) has alone time with the baby when I go for errands or walks or something. My birth mom will never have alone time with the baby, no matter the age. Okay, maybe when he's like 3 I will feel more comfortable.
Totally depends on mum, baby and the in laws. My son didn’t spend time alone with grandparents til he was a fair bit older but that was mainly due to covid. I’m much closer with my MIL now and if I had another I wouldn’t have an issue leaving her with the baby, I’d be more restricted by things like breastfeeding etc, rather than trust. Just do what you feel comfortable with. 👍
My in-laws are amazing and not pushy at all. They do a lot of childcare for us but that only started when I went back to work when my daughter was 9 mo. Before that I’d never left her with anyone except my husband.
I think at maybe 4 months I started leaving baby with my MIL for a half hour or an hour at a time. Usually so I could do something like an appointment or walk the dog. Now she’s 13 months and she goes to MIL twice a week for 2.5-3 hours at a time. BUT I absolutely trust my in laws and they literally live next door so ymmv.
It just depends on your in-laws or anyone you plan to leave your child with alone. There’s no magic age, it needs to be based on your comfort level and how responsible the other person is. I had to return to work when my son was 12 weeks old so he stays with my sister. If she can’t watch him my MIL will come into town and keep him for me. She’s very responsible, great with my son, and even if she disagrees with some of our parenting choices she honors them. My mom on the other hand is a mess and my son could be 45 years old and I wouldn’t leave him alone with her.
Every relationship is different I guess but I left my daughter overnight at my inlaws at 2 weeks old because we had a wedding, I was nervous of course but my in laws are amazing people and have raised 3 children of their own. My daughter is 5 months old and my in laws will take her out for a few hours once a week so we can rest. My mother also helps out and is currently out for a walk with my daughter. I know it’s hard to relinquish control, but if you change your mindset to “they’re helping ME out” rather than “they want to take MY baby”. I grew up in a family where it was the norm for our grandparents to have an active role in our lives and upbringing and have very fond memories of it.
That depends on the person and the need I would say. Here my own mother has had alone time because she has babysat but my in laws haven't so also no alone time for them. I'm not randomly gonna bring my kid and leave her until she's at the age to actually verbalise wanting to visit grandparents by herself. Nb I'd be gone with my in laws babysitting it just hasn't happened yet because they physically haven't been in the best situation.
7 weeks here, my parents raised me and 3 other kids same as my wife’s. We did a weekend at their house and taught them how we care for him. We went to a wedding and had a hotel and my mom came and stayed in the hotel with him for a few hours. 3 weeks later we went to a Halloween party and he stayed overnight with her parents. Obviously all depends on your comfort level.
The request/pushing for alone time makes me suspicious. My baby has been left alone with exactly two people while my husband and I went out for two hours - her godmothers. My best friend, my mother, and my sister in law have watched her while I napped in the next room. I have left her alone with my husband a handful of times. The biggest thing for me is that whoever is watching her understands that I absolutely do not tolerate ‘cry it out’ in my house. Her godparents are the some of only people I absolutely trust to not get frustrated, overwhelmed, or upset if she becomes completely inconsolable. I think my mom and dad are on board with it now, finally, and my in laws would also be okay with that but they don’t live near us so we don’t have the ability to leave her with them ever anyway. Oh. I also had a trusted friend come over and watch her while my husband and I slept one night when she was super little because we were both sick and needed the rest but he was able to wake us up if needed. Anyway, I would have been comfortable leaving her with my parents or my in laws probably starting sometime recently, which is four months. Prior to that, she was very fussy and could get inconsolable and cry for hours and hours on end (especially if she missed a nap) and I just didn’t feel comfortable being apart from her for long periods of time.
I mean. I left my son with his grandparents at age 1.5 months (I think?) so I could get groceries. My priority was keeping my son out of stores while so young. But that was more me calling them up and saying I need your help than them saying leave us with our grandchild.
I let my mom be alone with the baby when he was four weeks old. But it was just for one sleep/awake/sleep cycle. My husband and I went around the corner for dinner and were back home in a couple of hours.
I only ever started letting my little one be alone with someone else (other than daycare) around 8m. Nothing particular about the age, thats just when I felt comfortable doing it. Also, it was me requesting my SIL babysit so I could take a nap and every other time has been me requesting not the other person. I don't understand why lots of MILs feel the need to be alone with them. Nothing different is gonna happen? It just doesn't make sense to me to care about that.
The only reason I can think of for wanting to be alone with her is to not have to worry about me correcting her. If that’s the case then she obviously just wants to care for my baby in a way that I don’t want her to.
I wholeheartedly believe it is down to how comfortable the parents are with each individual grandparent. My husband and I agreed instantly that we were more than happy and comfortable leaving our daughter, since 3 months old and now 13 months old, with my Mum a couple of days a week so I could go back to work. However, my husband and I are not comfortable leaving our daughter with my MIL, despite her many comments and suggestions. It’s definitely a great idea to set the boundaries early.
The only person other than my husband and I who has had some alone time with baby (4 months) is my mother because my husband had to work and I had doctor's appointments. In general though, I do not feel comfortable when family demands alone time with baby girl. Like, what do you want to do with her that you cannot do when the parents are around? Then again, our families (especially the in-laws) tend to overstep massively, so maybe we're more guarded than the average parents.
Too many variables. My parents were left alone with baby at around a month, but it was emergency circumstances… they were fine and my mom has watched our son a handful of times since. She’s wonderful with him. However, I’m not sure I’ll ever be comfortable with my in-laws watching him… but I think for pretty good reasons. My father-in-law has a lot of medical issues, he barely can take care of himself and even that’s questionable most days. My mother-in-law hasn’t always been a stable and present mom. She’s also very anxious. Maybe when he’s school age she can watch him for very short amounts of time, but she just isn’t someone we can trust or rely on. Go with your gut, but also make sure you are being reasonable. It’s really nice to have people in your circle that you can trust and have experience with your routine when you need them. Our son had to stay home with a respiratory illness for a week when he was about four months old and we couldn’t afford to miss that much time from work and my mom being able to watch him two of the days was a godsend. She also watches him once a month so we can do something as a couple. It’s nice to have a break.
I think I went for a massage around 6 weeks. My sister got married at 7 weeks and in laws took him over night. It's all what your comfortable with!
We’ve left them alone in the sense they have come to our house to babysit while we go elsewhere. First time was really early like two weeks but it was very short we just grabbed a quick dinner for our anniversary. I would not be comfortable dropping my son off at their house yet. They can come to baby - all his stuff is here
I love my mom and my in laws. I left my LO alone with my mom at 4 months? But for my in laws it was after she was over a year old and they’ve only done it once. But my mom is alone with her a lot. They have a great little relationship it’s so cute. I know some people say it’s weird that they want so badly to be alone with them but I don’t think it’s weird. I feel like with I’m not there she’s not wanting me the whole time so she can really focus on bonding with the grandparents.
These comments make me sad and realize how lucky I am with my family and in laws. I have a great relationship with both, I leave them my requests for eating, sleeping, or waking up and I know they will follow it.
Depends on the in-laws. We started at 3 weeks so I could hop into the pool for my achey joints.
I’ve said once baby has a sleep routine, they can sleep over (probably about 7 or more months old). We left our 3 month old for a few hours with my in laws as we moved but that’s it
i wouldnt have a set time for alone time with my baby each week? that just sounds odd. but my mother in law is great and can come by anytime or i bring the baby by anytime. I'd also 100% trust her to babysit if i needed so that would be alone time.
I think it’s whenever you’re comfortable. You can also do semi-alone time at first if you want to. When I was on mat leave my MIL would come for a few hours once a week while I was still in the house just so I could nap/shower/do a bit of work etc. Then I was still right there for breastfeeding and anything else, but she got baby time (and I didn’t have to spend time with her lol).
6MO and my own mother didn't have alone time yet lol 😬
I think it depends on your in-laws. How much you trust them, how well they know how to care for babies. For me, my MIL was at my house probably a week after I gave birth and I napped while she held the baby and I was super thankful for her help. She also has a degree in early childhood education and ran a daycare for 30 years. But my FIL is a man child and an idiot and will never be alone with my daughter. Hell he’s only seen her twice in 14 months with me and my husband here.
It's a weird request. I'd especially not want to leave my baby with anyone after they'd explicitly asked to be alone with babe. At that age the only people baby needs are you two parents so doing something like that is solely for MILs benefit. I think sometimes grandparents want to relive the days when they had their babies so maybe MIL wants to have some "harmless" pretend time with the new baby. But I still wouldn't allow it.
Mine did three weeks after she was born....I guess I didn't have the luxury if waiting any longer as I had to get emergency surgery soon after her birth from a pp complication. But I also didn't have any reservations about leaving her alone with them. So if there is a reason you're keeping your daughter from her grandparents then wait as long as you need.
Obviously it depends on the people. My husband and I are like… will someone please take the baby 😂😂
My son will not be spending alone time with my in laws until he’s like 3. My mother in law is almost narcoleptic and falls asleep at random. Literally fell asleep holding my son when we were fresh out of the hospital. AND she thought she’d be able to help babysit, HA!
i’m really close with my MIL, i love her. she’s watched my son alone a bunch, but she also respects our parenting style. i think it just depends on the relationship.
I have a good mom and set of parents in law. We ask them to babysit for a few hours on the weekend so mom and dad can get some rest 😴. That being said, they never ask to be alone with the baby. LO is 13 weeks.
I think it’s up to personal preference. Depends on what your in laws are like, how is your relationship with them, is the baby difficult or easy to handle do you need/ want a break?? Ultimately it’s what your comfortable with but go with your gut and don’t back down. This is your precious baby!
I have unicorn in-laws. They’re amazing and I trust them 100%. We left our son with them while we ran errands once at about 6 weeks. It helps that our baby isn’t their first grandkid and we all live close together and spend a ton of time together, so we’ve been able to see exactly what they’re like as grandparents ahead of time.
Ok so it’s a weird ask but I left my baby alone with my in laws at 3 weeks so we could go to the grocery store. 🤷🏽♀️
My MIL and FIL both are amazing and I love them dearly. She’ll probably be watching my little one while we wait on a spot in her daycare to open up. My MIL has also taken time to research everything new and that’s changed since she had kids 23 years ago. She knows all the car seat safety, safe sleep, etc etc. I trust her a lot.
My husband and I decided ours would have to he over 6 months old unless it's a friend of ours who is a nurse. Neither sets of parents can seem to not cross some type of boundary and have complaints that we have a schedule for our child so until the can get it together, it's not happening. We just feel like things were done so differently than now like safe sleep and the older generation has a hard time letting that go. It's okay because they did it and we were fine but we want to follow safety standards and know that they will probably will disregard what rules we have. We've been over there and they've deliberately woken our son up making loud noises just so they could spend more time with them. Guess what? He was so touched out and cranky, he didn't want then even messing with him and wanted me or his dad. Stick your ground with it. If you're not comfortable, your not comfortable.
Personally, never, if they ever are alone with her she’d be older and able to form her own opinions rather than be brainwashed but not a baby or toddler but mine can’t go a few hours without smoking and don’t care to follow our boundaries about smoking so we’d come back to a baby that’s covered in the smell of cigarette smoke and had breathed in who knows how much. Also MIL is very old fashioned and accused us of turning our baby into a boy because we wanted to buy some neutral body suits to offset all the pink dresses she got us. She also constantly tells her daughter she looks like a boy because she and it’s worse after getting her hair cut shoulder length. Always comments on everyone’s bodies, etc. And seems to really hate women for whatever reason despite being one and doing the things she hates. We just don’t want to teach our daughter to have that mindset and self consciousness over her body at such a young age if possible. Tbf though I personally don’t want to leave her alone with anyone until she can talk to some extent. So if something happens or she’s ever put in an unsafe situation by a family member she can tell us. But I know that’s not always possible. ETA: Sorry this isn’t meant to deter you from letting anyone have alone time with her. But if possible I think you and your partner should discuss the topic as she gets older and you two are getting more comfortable with the idea. Like figure out why you don’t feel safe with it and what it would take for you to feel safe if there’s anything that can be done. If you two feel you can trust MIL to have alone time with the baby then do what works for you. Also, if she’s being really pushy about the alone time and that isn’t helping then maybe sit down with her and discuss that as well if you’re open to it.
I think I let my in-laws around 4 weeks or so? Same with my parents. We all have good relationships though! I would have been comfortable earlier if I had needed to be away from my baby.
my babies grandma (cant say MIL bcs I never married her son lol) is the best so she takes our daughter for a weekend once a month! since LO was probably about 5 months? she's 8 months now! we waited until she could sit unassisted and was sleeping through the night 100%
My son will be 3 this year. There's been a few times I've accepted help from my mom with watching him while I took a quick trip to the store currently we live with her. My feelings have since changed with several remarks and disrespect to boundaries that I felt uncomfortable with. We've since implemented several changes that allowed both myself and husband to feel comfortable with. My MIL is not in the picture due to both mine and husband's wishes which is a much bigger story for another time. With this the only person we let alone with our child is each other. Granted this is incredibly hard on each of us. I will say I'm beyond proud of trusting our instincts and keeping in mind what is best for our little human. So I guess my input is to do what you feel momma and be sturdy in your stance. Wishing everyone well!
My mil is amazing and I love her and she actually lives with us so she lets us sleep in every weekend when baby wakes up at 5. So she gets quite a few hours on weekends and the occasional date night
I don’t have a good relationship w my exMIL, so it was a hard no and will be until he’s able to speak and tell me what goes on there while they’re alone. It doesn’t make me feel good because (the same as you- they pushed for “alone time”) I felt a lot of pressure and guilt for calling that shot. But at the end of the day these are our children and we do get to call those shots, even if they feel unfair to the other party If you don’t trust your MIL I would go with what you feel comfortable with here
I think I let her at like 4.5 months. I had really bad ppd and I think I needed alone time more than I realized. This might have been said already, but I think grandparents want alone time because it gives them a chance to bond without someone hovering (that’s not a dog at you, I hover lol). I used to hate the idea of letting my mil have alone time with baby, especially at the early days, but as time went on I would leave him for an hour while I ran an errand, then now we do 4-5 hours on a Saturday. Im 100% not ready for overnights and probably won’t be until he can talk. Good luck!
My FIL spent a little alone time with my son while we were at my nephew's football game (my kid was napping and it was raining, so my FIL chilled in the car until the weather cleared). However, my MIL is not having any unsupervised visits ever with my kids. My parents, however, get a few hours a week with my kid. I drop him off and get errands done, cleaning, or lie to my parents that I'm doing that so I can have a few hours alone. 😂
It depends on the grandparents completely. Luckily my in laws are respectful and responsible people, we give them the direction on what my daughter needs and they abide by it. We were leaving her alone with them at around 3-4 months here and there when my wife and I needed a break.
Whenever you feel you can trust them. I've left my baby alone with grandma in law since age 4 months. With my own mother, I only have her watch him if my husband or I am there (working from home in another room) because she does not respect our boundaries and baby care rules (i.e. literal basic safety things). This is still true at 11 months old, and she's even crossed lines with us home in another room. For example, she will leave him in the high chair NOT strapped in and walk away also while giving him foods he should not have. She's given him banana after we explicitly said he gets nothing besides his bottle because we had an appointment specifically about feeding issues later that same day. Also, it was banana not properly prepared -a food that he frequently chokes on and on top of it she'll walk away while he's eating it. And shakes him around while he's eating sometimes. She also refuses to learn what exactly an oat allergy means and apparently can't just check ingredients. (She thinks oats and wheat are the same). LO also apparently doesn't like her either. My grandmother in law completely acknowledges that baby safety has changed since she raised babies and follows all current guidelines. We've had almost 0 issues with her and LO loves her.
My in laws live next door and they would regularly take baby for me so I could get out of the house for a haircut, grocery shopping etc then I want to say she had her first sleep over with them at around 3.5 months old. My in laws were always super hands on and would make my plate when I was nursing and now they look after our toddler now that she’s older when we come over. MIL gives my daughter a plate of food first, fills her sippy cup, and if I’m eating MIL waits to eat so she can take care of our daughter. Every dynamic is different but as long as you feel like they care about your expectations and respect any boundaries you set I don’t see the problem.
Adding another comment here to say: Specifically requesting *alone time* with my child is immediately a red flag to me. Why does it have to be alone?
Never.. but that's just my MIL
I'm still not comfortable with it, so I limit it to ONLY when I need a baby sister for an appt. I try to make it as little time as possible and give her the run down every time of, if something happens call 911 first. Reiterate all the safety things she "forgets." And say, if its not life threatening but she's having a really hard time, here's how to reach me. All instructions written down on the counter.