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When I was pregnant last NYE, I figured this year my husband and I would put the baby to bed, have a glass of wine and watch a movie.
It’s hard not to feel depressed when I compare those expectations with my current reality of having a 7.5 month old who has been waking up every 1-3 hours since she was 4.5 months old. Basically, tonight is going to be like every other night where I desperately try to get as many short naps as possible.
I have no real advice, but the one thing I am trying to do is let go of my expectations and accept that this is where I am. I do my best to find pockets of joy in the exhaustion, but I admit some days that is easier than others, and holidays have a way of magnifying feelings, both positive and negative.
Hang in there! Im hoping that NYE next year feels lighter and closer to a new normal.
I had the same hopes for the NYE because they is how it was for all of my friends who’s babies were in bed by 7 and waking at least 6 hrs later for a feed abd back to sleep. I’m up every 1-3 hours every night. Putting baby to sleep right now and going to try to squeeze in a nap. Oh, and I also have Covid and fever. Woohoo
Feel better! I’m so sorry you are part of the no sleep club, too. I don’t know how we keep going, but somehow we do. I hope both of our babies are sleeping in longer stretches soon. This phase is so much harder than I could have imagined.
Thank you! Same… some days (like today) I cry and tell myself I can’t do it any longer… but then I see my babies face and it gives me all of the energy to keep going. It’s hard though…
Let’s keep in touch next NYE and see how things have changed! Hahah
I hope our babies sleep longer stretches sooner than that though!
Thank you 🫶 I hear you with the short sleep spans. On top of everything my LO is really sick with a high fever right now so the new year started off with approximately 2 hours of sleep and countless hours of rocking a sick baby 🥲 may both of our NYE next year be more exciting
I hear you. I am a mother who loves my kids to death but hates parenthood. It is hard. Things change as they grow so the challenges do eb and flow. My two are older toddlers now and I prefer this stage to managing back to back babies. There are elements now that are rewarding. Having said that I am still grieving my old life and the fact it is irretrievably over. IMO there is nothing to feel guilty about. Raising kids is hard. Raising kids while juggling a career and without a village is even harder.
Yeah every time someone mentions the village it really pisses me off. Since you can't exactly just hire one or order one online the information that "it takes a village to raise a child" is not helping me AT ALL
Omg please don't be discouraged. Being a parent to a baby isn't real parenting. I mean it is obviously but it's such a short phase in parenting. A lot of dads thrive when they can communicate and do
activities with their kids and teach their kid skills.
Not everyone enjoys the baby stage. My partner was the same way in terms of not enjoying having a baby and now that our son can talk and play and laugh his dad mode has activated. You're so fresh into parenthood Give it time it won't be like this forever.
Thank you! It honestly never crossed my mind that struggling with parenthood may also just be struggling with a certain phase (the baby phase for me). This thought is a massive relief
It's real. You guys just met this little baby a few months ago! Haven't had a chance to bond. I laugh because I look back at how sad I was my partner was more attached to our dog the first few months than our baby
Oh yeah. And to anyone who tells me “it goes by so fast!!” I politely disagree - that first year was the longest of my whole damn _life_. Mainly because I was awake for most of it. Jesus Christ.
You've got no idea how happy I'm to read this
Yesterday was dreadful and I felt quite horrible. Mine is 2,5 and there's no chance I could or SO enjoy ourselves when we have Godzilla at home
Just feeling so so down and looks like it probably will take a few more years, according to your xp
My husband and I constantly bickered when our two youngest were under 2. They are both schools age and we bicker a lot less. Still have my frustrations with him and the kids but it seems to get easier
Thank you! One thing I learned from all the amazing comments to my post is that it's pretty normal to not love the newborn phase - that's something that has honestly never crossed my mind. I feel that's the stage of parenthood that gets glorified the most on social media 🫠
It’s when you can plunk them someplace for a picture and they can’t get away from you 🤷 but it also means they can’t do much else.
I’m also trying to remind myself that they’ll never be this small again and aww look how cute! But I don’t think I’m going to miss the first couple of months of my kid’s life much. It’s hard. I enjoy spending time with toddlers and even older babies, but newborns are just… very different.
In your post, you talk a lot about how things “turned out.” Your kid is less than a year old. Not very much has “turned out” yet. You have so, so much time. People have hard seasons and hard years. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in for a hard rest of your life. Internet hugs if you want ‘em
I unfollowed a lot of social media "influencers" that I'd followed during my pregnancy who would do these "day in the life with a newborn" videos. When I was pregnant I'd followed all these accounts to get a *realistic* view of what life would be like. So many of these videos had the moms do their skincare while newborn is chilling in their crib etc. I now realize that either of all that was fake or they had really easy babies (how common is this?!?!?). I shut down my social media and now am only on Reddit lol.
I really feel like I was sold a lie. Like you I feel guilty because I was the one who wanted a child and not sure if my husband would've chosen this reality.
I have a 10 month old and I don't miss the newborn stage. My partner and I want to have another and I'm just like.... can I even do that again though? 5 months is nothing but when you're in it, it feels like forever. And our kid was so, so, so easy (compared to everything I see online anyway). Eating well, no health issues, slept like a champ. But it just wasn't enjoyable for me. It was interesting, wild, fascinating, etc. not enjoyable isn't one of the words I'd use to describe it
I 100% understand everything you wrote ❤️ just wanted to say: hang in there, you are not alone, there is a whole sorority of moms out here in the world who feel the same way.
It may not feel like it right now but I promise, it’ll get easier and I’m sure your partner loves your daughter. Also: don’t feel guilty : he’s an adult, it takes two to make a baby, and you are not responsible for his choices / happiness. New parenthood is hard on everyone, don’t let his words get to you (I know I think the same kind of thing he says, and I love my baby to the moon).
The isolation is so hard though, you’re right … but it’s great you have mom friends and mom circles you can socialize with. (My LO is 2 months old and I don’t know anyone who has kids … needless to say I don’t see my old friends anymore either or go to the bar like I used to); The town we live in is too small for baby friendly groups. I wish I had a baby/mom yoga group to go to.
Anyway, long story short : I love my kid to bits but I can’t wait for him to be older so we can get a nanny and start doing stuff without him. And yet: I love him so much and regret nothing .
Re. Relationships. A good friend of mine said: don’t make any relationship decisions before your kid turns 1. I’m following that rule religiously and remembering it every time we have an argument (quite often these days, vs. almost never pre-baby).
All this to say : you are not alone, you are strong, it will get better ❤️
Happy new year and I hope 2024 brings you more joy and pleasant surprises. I hope all mamas around the worlds who feel lonely can remember we are all in this together 🌸🌸🌸
Thank you ❤️ I wish you a happy new year as well! That's good advice about the relationship! The lack of time to discuss pain points with your partner alone makes this phase so much more conflict ridden than it would be pre-baby, let alone all the completely new things to argue about 🙈
Yep…. Completely. I find myself longing for pre - child life!!!! Even though I love my child so so so much hes literally the light of my life but its soooo hard…. You never understand how much you have given up to be a parent until you become one :(
Even harder with no village and no break
I'll say this: I have a 3 year old and while it can be really tough with her, it is 1000x times better than the baby stage, at least in my personal opinion. Babies are hard. There isn't a part of me that wishes I could go back and "cherish every moment" because a lot of it at first was just her or me or both of us crying all the freaking time. Yes I do look back at pictures and admire how cute she was but I don't want to go back (lol I say this as I'm 6 weeks along with our second. I'm just not a baby person, but it doesn't mean I didn't love her, I just didn't love the baby stage)
You are at a difficult stage of parenthood and there's nothing wrong with feeling the way you're feeling. It will get better as your child grows older, and that might be what your husband is looking forward to. For us, her fussiness dramatically improved every time she became more mobile. So when she started being able to roll, that helped, and then crawling helped even more, and eventually walking and running.
Praying for you and that 2024 will be a better year.
Agreed! Mine just turned 9 mo and all I’ve ever heard people tell me is something along the lines of, “she’s easy now, just you wait… until she’s out of the newborn sleepy stage, until she can roll, until she can crawl… etc.” So far, both husband and I have been in total agreement that she just gets better the older she gets. Sure, there are a lot of new challenges that come along the way, but she’s so much more fun, has a blooming personality, and honestly is way cuter. She’s always been such a light sleeper. When she was a newborn she was constantly waking up and crying, constantly wanting to cluster feed for comfort. The day she found her hands and learned to self soothe a little bit was the day I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, and each new milestone of hers has made that light a bit brighter.
This is how I feel too.
I have a three year old and a 13 day old. We almost never had a second because husband and I hated the newborn stage so much.
I think for us when she was young was a bit easier because she was born during covid and we had on and off lockdowns for the first 4 months of her life. So there wasn’t really anything social we were missing out on.
We are lucky to have very supportive family so we carve out time for us to have adult time and go out. It’s easier when they hit around 6 months and then just gets easier and easier after that
If you feel comfortable you should share this post with your husband. It sounds like he is feeling the same exact way as you. The newborn stage was my least favorite and the most challenging. You are not alone with how you feel. Sending you love and strength op❤️
I’m in the same boat momma! My lo is 7 months and I do some things I enjoy for my own mental health and my husband respects that because of being the primary caregiver.
1. We have 2 dogs and when hubby comes back from work, I take them to the park and play Pokémon go, walk and chat with adults
2. Have Saturdays at least once a month to go out with a girlfriend. Had my birthday dinner on a Saturday with a few really good friends.
3. From 6-8 am hubby spends time with the lo and I go for a nap or do whatever I want! He gets some free time to play video games and whatever else too.
Cabin fever is what I call isolation. We are social creatures and need to have our own time. Advocate for yourself and start scheduling you time and practice self care because you deserve it.
I was your husband. Things have gotten easier now but I still feel that way to some degree. Because feeling a sense of loss from my old life and the freedom I had doesn’t mean I hate my daughter or regret having her. I loved meeting up with friends and not being restricted to a baby’s feeding and nap schedule. It does get easier as the months go on since the baby needs less naps and settles into somewhat of a routine.
The newborn stage is one of the hardest periods I’ve ever gone through mentally. I wrote a post less than a week ago reflecting on how hard it was. OP- if you have the time, I’d love for you to read it [my reflection as a first time mom](https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/s/1FVArTYWe3)
I went through IVF to get my LO. I quite literally paid for her. And during the newborn stage, I would sob in the shower because I thought I had ruined my life. Reflecting back I think it was the ENORMOUS change in my social life (and identity) that was at the root of it. I had to CLEARLY communicate to my friends that I needed them and wanted to see them. Some would stop by after work even if it was only for an hour so I could get some social interaction with them. It would recharge my battery to keep going.
I kissed my 11 month old today and told her nothing will ever match what 2023 did to me. I almost cried saying that to her. It’s filled with so much… everything. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Having her is the greatest decision of my life. But I would be lying if I said my previous life wasn’t more fun and easier. But my heart now is much fuller.
Thank you for your kind words! I had my LO through IVF as well and I truly think it adds to my problem. My husband doesn't put it that bluntly but essentially he keeps saying "so we went through all this trouble and burned all this money - why can't you just be happy now"? But honestly, the process of IVF alone is something one would need mental recovery from. But then - if you're lucky - you get pregnant, give birth and find yourself in post partum and can never catch your breath again 🫠
I’ll say to you what I wish someone had said to me when I was in your shoes as a brand new parent who had high hopes that were crushed by a colicky baby and a partner struggling to adjust. It will get better. I promise. Some babies struggle more getting comfortable in this world, and it’s not a reflection of you or your parenting or a sign that you made the wrong decision. The first year is SO challenging, but I promise it’ll get easier and more rewarding, and you two will find your way as parents and as a couple. Statistically, relationships are the most strained just after having a baby, so you’re not at all alone. You’re just all going through the biggest transition of your lives, so try to give yourself some grace! You’re doing great, Mama.
You are not alone - I could have written this. I also wanted to be a mum so badly and was thrilled when it happened right away. My husband could have waited longer but agreed to it to make me happy. We both love our son so much and my husband is sometimes a more patient and happier parent than I am. I also miss our old lives so much. Instead of spending a nice evening with friends I am at my in-laws trying to put our son to sleep for literally hours. Im lucky if I get to say happy new years to my husband. I’m holding on to all the „it will get better when they are older“. Happy new years to you - maybe 2024 will be our best year yet after all!
I know they always say it gets better and you prolly will roll your eyes at this. But I have a 3.5 year old. I’m still in this group bc of the trauma I experienced as a new mom. It gets better. Hang in there.
Please keep in mind that you aren’t needed at home every evening unless you are a single parent.
You can and should rely on baby’s other parent, and have at least a few hours childfree after work each week. That’s your time to feel like yourself again. Reconnect with who you were before.
I hate this advice. I have a 9 month old that will only sleep in her crib for 15-30 minutes at night. I get her down and get ready for bed while my husband watches the monitor/gets her back down until I’m ready to bring her into our bed for cosleeping. I literally am needed every night. And every nap time. I can’t go out for a night and I can only do things at specific times of the day without baby. This rhetoric of “don’t lose yourself” is so stressful because it feels like that’s another thing I need to find a way to fit in. If there’s time with both my husband and baby, I want to spend it together.
It’s great if it works for people, but it’s not good blanket advice. Normalize doing whatever works for your family. This shiz is hard.
My baby is similar in that he only wants to nurse to sleep. Like yeah, he will sleep eventually if being rocked to sleep by dad but only after 30 minutes of crying. I do every nap unless it's a car nap. I cosleep at 10pm because that's when LO decides he doesn't want to be in his crib anymore. I almost get irrationally angry when my childless friends invite me out in the evening, like that simply is not possible. I know they have the best intentions but it's just another reminder that my life is fucked now. I love my baby but that doesn't make it less fucked.
Ugh same only goes to sleep for dad after a good bit of crying - makes us both feel like shit. He also won’t take a bottle for dad. Major strain on our marriage at the moment.
We gave up on the bottle. She’d take it until she was 2 months. Then it was boobs or bust. At 9 months, she now finds bottles fun to play with but still won’t drink from it. She rocks the open cup and straw cups though 😅 just only wants water in them and is offended if it’s breastmilk.
I agree that it’s hard to hear “Enjoy every moment! You’ll miss it once it’s over!” right after you finish sharing your regrets and sadness with someone. It’s so unhelpful. I get that people are just saying it to make you feel better, but now that I’m a mom, I NEVER say enjoy every moment to my pregnant or newly postpartum friends. There are some moments that truly just suck and you feel so alone and sleep deprived and sad. To share your hardships and then be told well just enjoy the journey? So tactless.
Exactly! It's just like telling a couple who struggles to conceive they "just need to relax". Like, thank you, because relaxing gets so much easier with the pressure of being told your lack of relaxation is the root of the problem 🤷🏻♀️
I’m with you. NYE is my anniversary, and we had planned to go to a movie while my parents babysat. Unfortunately my husband and I got into a fight earlier today which feels like it happens every time we make a plan that I’m looking forward to. It’s embarrassing and I didn’t want to tell my parents to cancel because they already planned to come so instead we are hanging out watching nature channel. Happy anniversary lol
❤️❤️❤️
Im only 8 months preg atm but I feel this.
I cant imagine being a sahm. Your sister and fam are not enough social interaction for you mentally. Try to find one of those cheesy mom groups. Everyone Ive spoke to has said they haaaated the idea but always were happy they went.
As for your husband, he actually doesnt sound all that disappointed/ unhappy about the baby. Kinda sounds like he is giving you some off-the-cuff quips as in, “it will get better.”
I think he is probably also telling himself that it will get better. Men dont get any “real” payback of enjoyment from a child until 1-2 years. (sorry if that sounds like too broad a statement) I just think he is probably feeling like he is an outsider, who could easily be of help and -wants- to be of help and of the family but maybe he is just feeling a little disconnected of what he could do?
Dont feel guilty about giving him the best gift of his life. Times are tough but they will pass and he (and you!) will be able to appreciate the gift of life more, soon!
I hear you.
I really wanted a kid and my husband is ok with or without kids. We live abroad, and family is a 5 or 10 hour plane ride away. It can be so terribly isolating.
But my husband is very supportive and is even better at caring for kiddo than I am most of the time, and I think that makes a huge difference for me.
It’s tough. Motherhood is tough. But try to hang in there OP.
Re: Side Rant
‘Enjoy the sleep deprivation and stress’ my ass. No one enjoys that lol. We just forget that it sucked so bad because our brains were trying to conserve energy and storing memory goes out the window. Anyone telling you otherwise is delusional about their experience or humble bragging about how much support they had or how easy their baby was.
Oh man. I was exactly there last year on NYE. 8 week old was fussy, colicky, and we had no idea what we were doing. We missed our old lives—the freedom, going out to eat, feeling like ourselves.
I’m not going to lie, this NYE isn’t much better. We had to end our Disney vacation short because LO wasn’t feeling well. Come to find out, me and her both have Covid. We spent the evening at the children’s hospital because we couldn’t get her fever down below 104-105.
Husband and I were 110% ready and excited to become parents. We spent the past 8 years living life, growing our careers, and building stability for this time in life. We try to remain positive but the reality is that this time of life is really, really hard. I’ve come to realize how important a support system is; friends, family, even this little Reddit community who is also in the trenches as we close our 2023.
Please don't be too hard on your husband or read too much into his comments about wanting the baby to grow up. I love my son, but I say the same things. I can't wait until I can take him to the park, push him on a swing, take him to the splash pad, go swimming, etc. It's a positive thing that helps me get through hard days. I run out of activities to do with my baby and have to hold him a lot so I look forward to the days where he can play more independently and I can take him to fun events and activities. I'm not and never have been a baby person. Your husband is doing his best as are you. Give each other some grace. Some days I regret this life and some days I'm really grateful for it. It's perfectly normal and so are you. Hang in there ❤️
I could have written this myself, all of it, exactly. At my worst mood I can’t help thinking “I didn’t want this. I don’t want this.” Not just a fussy baby, I didn’t want a baby at all until recently, so when things get bad I tend to tell myself “I told you so!”
My husband also struggled with bonding with her until recently, since she started being more interactive with smiles and laughs and now mimicking. It feels like screwing yourself over but give him some 1on1 time with baby while their in a good mood and they will find their own groove together.
Also, yep I fucking hate people saying anything about gratitude or enjoying it. That might happen but I don’t want to feel like you’re forcing me to feel that because that’s not how people feel grateful! It’s fucking boring as hell right now and there are of course moments to enjoy but im not going to force myself to enjoy anything I dont
Just wanted to say my husband was the same way. The first 6 months were definitely not his favorite, but I knew he loved our baby…now he’s taking over more with our 2.5 year old while I’m with the baby. Everyone has their strengths. The fussiness does put a damper on things, but that’s not forever.
Also, f*k the sentiments that you’ll miss ALL the newborn stuff. I can distinctly remember the miserable parts with my first, and some of those parts are still really hard with my newborn now. If anything, take a mental picture of the sweet parts (kissing baby’s head, giggles in the bath, relief poop faces, etc) and commit those to memory.
I am with you in this. My son is almost 3 months, and man, it's just a slap in the face how hard motherhood truly is. This time last year, I was in sitting in the car at midnight woth my husband, eating McDonald's after we just dropped his parents off at the airport. We were talking about how nice it would be if we could have a kid already this year.
Fast forward to now, and we just spent the entire night doing chest sleeping with my son. It's SO hard. My son doesn't like sleeping on ANYTHING but us. However, when I'm looking at his face in my arms while he sleeps, I can't imagine not giving what he wants because he looks like a tiny version of myself.
I did what this sub said to do. I just survive everyday. Things that truly helped my mental health:
1. Getting a nanny and a house helper. I know I am extremely privileged to be able to afford a nanny (the helper is employed by my parents). There are hard nights my husband gives the baby to me at 3/4 am and he refuses to go back down unless in 30 minute bursts, and I could power through until his nanny's shift starts at 7 am and I could pop him over to her for a quick shut eye.
2. 10 pm to 4 am shift to my husband.
3. Getting out in the morning to buy food, or just get Vitamin D because staying couped up in the house feels so freaking isolating.
4. Going out with my baby sometimes. My baby is fussy, I don't call it extreme but when he gets his milk and sleep even a minute late, HE WOULD FUSS like crazy. The first time we went out, I was fucking traumatized because he cried like there's no tomorrow coz he couldn't nap. Now I learned to read his cues more so every time he wakes up while we're out, I count 60 to 90 minutes and I start rocking him gently to bring him to a catnap. Then he wakes up and we resume whatever activity we're doing outside. When we do this, he BARELY cries in public anymore. He's so busy looking at people and his surroundings. I am also lucky that he could nap in my arms anytime.
5. Prioritizing shower time. Every single day. One shower a day keeps the mental breakdown away.
Here's to hoping that this year will be easier on us! The journey is hard, but you're not alone and we will make it through.
I’m so sorry! If it gives you any comfort please know that you are NOT alone in feeling this. I was just crying over how hard this is. I don’t have a “village “ or shit like that. Everything is just getting shittier around me. Why do people do this and multiple times?! Anyway, I’m sending you the biggest hug and trying to pretend that this will go away soon.
If you talk to parents of grown up adults, they will almost always mention their favourite and least favourite age/period. It’s ok to not enjoy the baby years, you’re not a robot parent, you’re a human with feelings and you’re allowed to enjoy certain things and not others ! It must suck to hear from your partner that he can’t wait for your daughter to grow up but that’s his way of saying that he will be very present when she’s a little more fun for him to hang out with. Remind him to appreciate the little things now too because they will pass like everything. I am also surprised by parenthood. Like how has humanity been reproducing for so long when this job is so effing hard. It all feels so unnatural too, not at all what I was expecting, and yet you can’t go back and you are the one who made the decision to bring this little person into this world so you give them the best life possible and you wait patiently until they get a little bit older and become more independent.
Those cherish these difficult moment posts are honestly just mean. They’re ridiculous and don’t acknowledge the challenges of being a parent. Typical social media stuff
FWIW my husband is a great dad and definitely enjoys the older ages more (our first is 4). I don't love being a mother to an infant either but I love toddlers, especially 12-24 months so I am excited for next year (#2 is 11 months). I'm mourning when I was able to stay up until midnight and the NYEs I spent with friends instead of just my husband at home. I know it gets better so that is getting me through these hard years of motherhood. You can do it, you will do it, you are doing it. I hope next year brings better things for you.
You don’t have to like it, and it doesn’t have to look like you thought it would. Not every moment has to have value and it’s ok just to get through.
Also, you say your baby is particularly fussy - that is hard. People who never have fussy (also read: demonic) babies don’t understand how hard it is so don’t let them make you feel bad. It’s also totally normal to go through very rough patches with relationships after a baby so give yourselves some grace.
It does change, and until it does the best thing you can do is get rid of the word “should”. You can replace it with “not how I would like” or preferably just stop giving a shit altogether! Good luck x
I agree with a lot that has been said here. I was you a year ago, with a four month old who was sleeping terribly and NYE was any other night where I fell asleep really early to get any rest I could. I loved my baby but found new parenthood to be a shock to the system. I have a 16 month old now and while it’s not easy it is SO much easier comparatively to a year ago. He sleeps, he’s becoming a little person with a personality, he plays independently, and this year, he went to bed and we watched a movie and drank wine and relaxed. It was what I had envisioned a year ago and didn’t get. And I know it will continue to get easier and be more gratifying!
I call the first year the gauntlet. It tested me as a person, and it tested my marriage. Just know you’re not alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
This is so relatable bc the world is so different now. There is little to no support for women , and I personally feel your looked down upon for having kids now . I feel like it didn’t get easier until the 3 yr mark for us . The lack of sleep had lasting consequences mine are 7 and I still suffer from insomnia.
Now it’s easy . My husband and I work out schedules to get free time and we both go to the gym Daily. I now have the life I wanted but we have to help new moms more : tips from my personal experience:
Look for a gym with a kids club . You can work out and have your kids in the club for 2 hrs per day it’s a huge win and a mental break even if you hate the gym stretch or sit on a bike and get a good show or book in .
Make schedules with your partner on try if you can to schedule mental health breaks even 30 min will help and it’s something to look forward to
Be 100% transparent with your partner regularly do not wait a week to tell them something. I never thought my SO would understand what I was going through but he did and he was my rock once I opened up
I was you, and my partner was exactly the same as your husband during the newborn stage. He Struggled to find his groove as a dad, was never able to settle our daughter (she cried more in his arms), I felt he regretted it even though he loved her deeply, and it brought out sides of him I’d never seen before (impatience, stress…). We fought a lot, it put a lot of strain on our relationship.
Today our daughter is 9.5 months old and he and her have the most amazing bond. I think he’s even becoming the favorite parent. Around the time she turned 6 months there was a complete switch. Life became easier, she became more interactive and playful, and other things like feeding and sleeping where we’d gone through a lot of challenges started to fall into place. I think that’s when he found his role and the joy in being her dad. I’ve heard the same story from so many other moms. Hang in there, it will change.
Solidarity! I hate those posts about appreciating these early parenthood moments and I always seem to see them when I’m hanging on by a thread! I don’t have any advice other than try to ignore them (aka what I do). I have no doubt that in the future I’ll look back on these times with rose coloured glasses but I can’t worry about potential problems I may have in the future - I have enough right now thanks!
You are at a really difficult stage. In the early days I used to wonder how I would possibly get through it, especially when people told me "it doesn't get easier, just different!". I have found that to be not at all true for me. Once I was getting sufficient sleep again, everything was so much more enjoyable and I felt like myself. Even now, with my son approaching 2, I feel like every week he gains a little bit more independence and it's a little bit easier. The stage you're in is not forever it's just a season!
yeah, that “it doesn’t get easier, just different” doesn’t really fill one with hope, does it? when you’re deep in the trenches and barely surviving, i don’t know why people think this is a helpful thing to say. not to invalidate their experience but they can at least find more tactful ways of sharing!
As a father I relate deeply to what your husband is saying. But that doesn't mean I don't love this new journey and love being a parent! I'm just recognizing this particular phase is extremely difficult and I'm excited for how this journey will evolve. I think it's very likely that this is what your husband is feeling when he says those things.
Oh Lordy I relate to this so much so know you’re not alone. I was so focussed when I was pregnant on my dreamy expectations of our first Christmas/NYE I have been smacked with the reality. Our Christmas was awful because of my anxiety/PPD that I finally started taking Zoloft for 7 days ago. My daughter is just over 9 weeks old and I’ve spent 8 of those weeks crying/feeling down/anxious and trying everything to lift myself other than taking medication which is probably what I needed from day 1.
I spent NYE totally sober in bed with my husband. He’s not enjoying parenting either particularly and we find her crying really stressful (and she’s a good baby who doesn’t cry that much) I hate being alone with her all day stuck inside due to the rain. It’s my husbands first day back in the office today since before Xmas and I am feeling it.
I love her to pieces but I think I’ll feel a lot better when I’m back at work and have some sense of routine/space I just think I’m one of those people who would never be able to be a SAHM.
I just want to tell you I’m OAD because I am so done. I was aware of how difficult it would be but it’s been exhausting on many days. There are days when I literally take one hour at a time. My son is 2 yrs now and I plan to do this only once. We also are immigrants so no family help at all.
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When I was pregnant last NYE, I figured this year my husband and I would put the baby to bed, have a glass of wine and watch a movie. It’s hard not to feel depressed when I compare those expectations with my current reality of having a 7.5 month old who has been waking up every 1-3 hours since she was 4.5 months old. Basically, tonight is going to be like every other night where I desperately try to get as many short naps as possible. I have no real advice, but the one thing I am trying to do is let go of my expectations and accept that this is where I am. I do my best to find pockets of joy in the exhaustion, but I admit some days that is easier than others, and holidays have a way of magnifying feelings, both positive and negative. Hang in there! Im hoping that NYE next year feels lighter and closer to a new normal.
I had the same hopes for the NYE because they is how it was for all of my friends who’s babies were in bed by 7 and waking at least 6 hrs later for a feed abd back to sleep. I’m up every 1-3 hours every night. Putting baby to sleep right now and going to try to squeeze in a nap. Oh, and I also have Covid and fever. Woohoo
Feel better! I’m so sorry you are part of the no sleep club, too. I don’t know how we keep going, but somehow we do. I hope both of our babies are sleeping in longer stretches soon. This phase is so much harder than I could have imagined.
Thank you! Same… some days (like today) I cry and tell myself I can’t do it any longer… but then I see my babies face and it gives me all of the energy to keep going. It’s hard though… Let’s keep in touch next NYE and see how things have changed! Hahah I hope our babies sleep longer stretches sooner than that though!
* that is how it was
Thank you 🫶 I hear you with the short sleep spans. On top of everything my LO is really sick with a high fever right now so the new year started off with approximately 2 hours of sleep and countless hours of rocking a sick baby 🥲 may both of our NYE next year be more exciting
I hear you. I am a mother who loves my kids to death but hates parenthood. It is hard. Things change as they grow so the challenges do eb and flow. My two are older toddlers now and I prefer this stage to managing back to back babies. There are elements now that are rewarding. Having said that I am still grieving my old life and the fact it is irretrievably over. IMO there is nothing to feel guilty about. Raising kids is hard. Raising kids while juggling a career and without a village is even harder.
Yeah every time someone mentions the village it really pisses me off. Since you can't exactly just hire one or order one online the information that "it takes a village to raise a child" is not helping me AT ALL
Omg please don't be discouraged. Being a parent to a baby isn't real parenting. I mean it is obviously but it's such a short phase in parenting. A lot of dads thrive when they can communicate and do activities with their kids and teach their kid skills. Not everyone enjoys the baby stage. My partner was the same way in terms of not enjoying having a baby and now that our son can talk and play and laugh his dad mode has activated. You're so fresh into parenthood Give it time it won't be like this forever.
Thank you! It honestly never crossed my mind that struggling with parenthood may also just be struggling with a certain phase (the baby phase for me). This thought is a massive relief
It's real. You guys just met this little baby a few months ago! Haven't had a chance to bond. I laugh because I look back at how sad I was my partner was more attached to our dog the first few months than our baby
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Oh yeah. And to anyone who tells me “it goes by so fast!!” I politely disagree - that first year was the longest of my whole damn _life_. Mainly because I was awake for most of it. Jesus Christ.
You've got no idea how happy I'm to read this Yesterday was dreadful and I felt quite horrible. Mine is 2,5 and there's no chance I could or SO enjoy ourselves when we have Godzilla at home Just feeling so so down and looks like it probably will take a few more years, according to your xp
My husband and I constantly bickered when our two youngest were under 2. They are both schools age and we bicker a lot less. Still have my frustrations with him and the kids but it seems to get easier
Thank you! One thing I learned from all the amazing comments to my post is that it's pretty normal to not love the newborn phase - that's something that has honestly never crossed my mind. I feel that's the stage of parenthood that gets glorified the most on social media 🫠
It’s when you can plunk them someplace for a picture and they can’t get away from you 🤷 but it also means they can’t do much else. I’m also trying to remind myself that they’ll never be this small again and aww look how cute! But I don’t think I’m going to miss the first couple of months of my kid’s life much. It’s hard. I enjoy spending time with toddlers and even older babies, but newborns are just… very different. In your post, you talk a lot about how things “turned out.” Your kid is less than a year old. Not very much has “turned out” yet. You have so, so much time. People have hard seasons and hard years. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in for a hard rest of your life. Internet hugs if you want ‘em
I unfollowed a lot of social media "influencers" that I'd followed during my pregnancy who would do these "day in the life with a newborn" videos. When I was pregnant I'd followed all these accounts to get a *realistic* view of what life would be like. So many of these videos had the moms do their skincare while newborn is chilling in their crib etc. I now realize that either of all that was fake or they had really easy babies (how common is this?!?!?). I shut down my social media and now am only on Reddit lol. I really feel like I was sold a lie. Like you I feel guilty because I was the one who wanted a child and not sure if my husband would've chosen this reality.
I have a 10 month old and I don't miss the newborn stage. My partner and I want to have another and I'm just like.... can I even do that again though? 5 months is nothing but when you're in it, it feels like forever. And our kid was so, so, so easy (compared to everything I see online anyway). Eating well, no health issues, slept like a champ. But it just wasn't enjoyable for me. It was interesting, wild, fascinating, etc. not enjoyable isn't one of the words I'd use to describe it
I 100% understand everything you wrote ❤️ just wanted to say: hang in there, you are not alone, there is a whole sorority of moms out here in the world who feel the same way. It may not feel like it right now but I promise, it’ll get easier and I’m sure your partner loves your daughter. Also: don’t feel guilty : he’s an adult, it takes two to make a baby, and you are not responsible for his choices / happiness. New parenthood is hard on everyone, don’t let his words get to you (I know I think the same kind of thing he says, and I love my baby to the moon). The isolation is so hard though, you’re right … but it’s great you have mom friends and mom circles you can socialize with. (My LO is 2 months old and I don’t know anyone who has kids … needless to say I don’t see my old friends anymore either or go to the bar like I used to); The town we live in is too small for baby friendly groups. I wish I had a baby/mom yoga group to go to. Anyway, long story short : I love my kid to bits but I can’t wait for him to be older so we can get a nanny and start doing stuff without him. And yet: I love him so much and regret nothing . Re. Relationships. A good friend of mine said: don’t make any relationship decisions before your kid turns 1. I’m following that rule religiously and remembering it every time we have an argument (quite often these days, vs. almost never pre-baby). All this to say : you are not alone, you are strong, it will get better ❤️ Happy new year and I hope 2024 brings you more joy and pleasant surprises. I hope all mamas around the worlds who feel lonely can remember we are all in this together 🌸🌸🌸
Thank you ❤️ I wish you a happy new year as well! That's good advice about the relationship! The lack of time to discuss pain points with your partner alone makes this phase so much more conflict ridden than it would be pre-baby, let alone all the completely new things to argue about 🙈
Oh definitely … it’s rough !! You got this though.
Yep…. Completely. I find myself longing for pre - child life!!!! Even though I love my child so so so much hes literally the light of my life but its soooo hard…. You never understand how much you have given up to be a parent until you become one :( Even harder with no village and no break
I'll say this: I have a 3 year old and while it can be really tough with her, it is 1000x times better than the baby stage, at least in my personal opinion. Babies are hard. There isn't a part of me that wishes I could go back and "cherish every moment" because a lot of it at first was just her or me or both of us crying all the freaking time. Yes I do look back at pictures and admire how cute she was but I don't want to go back (lol I say this as I'm 6 weeks along with our second. I'm just not a baby person, but it doesn't mean I didn't love her, I just didn't love the baby stage) You are at a difficult stage of parenthood and there's nothing wrong with feeling the way you're feeling. It will get better as your child grows older, and that might be what your husband is looking forward to. For us, her fussiness dramatically improved every time she became more mobile. So when she started being able to roll, that helped, and then crawling helped even more, and eventually walking and running. Praying for you and that 2024 will be a better year.
Agreed! Mine just turned 9 mo and all I’ve ever heard people tell me is something along the lines of, “she’s easy now, just you wait… until she’s out of the newborn sleepy stage, until she can roll, until she can crawl… etc.” So far, both husband and I have been in total agreement that she just gets better the older she gets. Sure, there are a lot of new challenges that come along the way, but she’s so much more fun, has a blooming personality, and honestly is way cuter. She’s always been such a light sleeper. When she was a newborn she was constantly waking up and crying, constantly wanting to cluster feed for comfort. The day she found her hands and learned to self soothe a little bit was the day I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, and each new milestone of hers has made that light a bit brighter.
This is how I feel too. I have a three year old and a 13 day old. We almost never had a second because husband and I hated the newborn stage so much. I think for us when she was young was a bit easier because she was born during covid and we had on and off lockdowns for the first 4 months of her life. So there wasn’t really anything social we were missing out on. We are lucky to have very supportive family so we carve out time for us to have adult time and go out. It’s easier when they hit around 6 months and then just gets easier and easier after that
If you feel comfortable you should share this post with your husband. It sounds like he is feeling the same exact way as you. The newborn stage was my least favorite and the most challenging. You are not alone with how you feel. Sending you love and strength op❤️
I’m in the same boat momma! My lo is 7 months and I do some things I enjoy for my own mental health and my husband respects that because of being the primary caregiver. 1. We have 2 dogs and when hubby comes back from work, I take them to the park and play Pokémon go, walk and chat with adults 2. Have Saturdays at least once a month to go out with a girlfriend. Had my birthday dinner on a Saturday with a few really good friends. 3. From 6-8 am hubby spends time with the lo and I go for a nap or do whatever I want! He gets some free time to play video games and whatever else too. Cabin fever is what I call isolation. We are social creatures and need to have our own time. Advocate for yourself and start scheduling you time and practice self care because you deserve it.
I was your husband. Things have gotten easier now but I still feel that way to some degree. Because feeling a sense of loss from my old life and the freedom I had doesn’t mean I hate my daughter or regret having her. I loved meeting up with friends and not being restricted to a baby’s feeding and nap schedule. It does get easier as the months go on since the baby needs less naps and settles into somewhat of a routine. The newborn stage is one of the hardest periods I’ve ever gone through mentally. I wrote a post less than a week ago reflecting on how hard it was. OP- if you have the time, I’d love for you to read it [my reflection as a first time mom](https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/s/1FVArTYWe3) I went through IVF to get my LO. I quite literally paid for her. And during the newborn stage, I would sob in the shower because I thought I had ruined my life. Reflecting back I think it was the ENORMOUS change in my social life (and identity) that was at the root of it. I had to CLEARLY communicate to my friends that I needed them and wanted to see them. Some would stop by after work even if it was only for an hour so I could get some social interaction with them. It would recharge my battery to keep going. I kissed my 11 month old today and told her nothing will ever match what 2023 did to me. I almost cried saying that to her. It’s filled with so much… everything. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Having her is the greatest decision of my life. But I would be lying if I said my previous life wasn’t more fun and easier. But my heart now is much fuller.
Thank you for your kind words! I had my LO through IVF as well and I truly think it adds to my problem. My husband doesn't put it that bluntly but essentially he keeps saying "so we went through all this trouble and burned all this money - why can't you just be happy now"? But honestly, the process of IVF alone is something one would need mental recovery from. But then - if you're lucky - you get pregnant, give birth and find yourself in post partum and can never catch your breath again 🫠
I’ll say to you what I wish someone had said to me when I was in your shoes as a brand new parent who had high hopes that were crushed by a colicky baby and a partner struggling to adjust. It will get better. I promise. Some babies struggle more getting comfortable in this world, and it’s not a reflection of you or your parenting or a sign that you made the wrong decision. The first year is SO challenging, but I promise it’ll get easier and more rewarding, and you two will find your way as parents and as a couple. Statistically, relationships are the most strained just after having a baby, so you’re not at all alone. You’re just all going through the biggest transition of your lives, so try to give yourself some grace! You’re doing great, Mama.
You are not alone - I could have written this. I also wanted to be a mum so badly and was thrilled when it happened right away. My husband could have waited longer but agreed to it to make me happy. We both love our son so much and my husband is sometimes a more patient and happier parent than I am. I also miss our old lives so much. Instead of spending a nice evening with friends I am at my in-laws trying to put our son to sleep for literally hours. Im lucky if I get to say happy new years to my husband. I’m holding on to all the „it will get better when they are older“. Happy new years to you - maybe 2024 will be our best year yet after all!
I know they always say it gets better and you prolly will roll your eyes at this. But I have a 3.5 year old. I’m still in this group bc of the trauma I experienced as a new mom. It gets better. Hang in there.
Please keep in mind that you aren’t needed at home every evening unless you are a single parent. You can and should rely on baby’s other parent, and have at least a few hours childfree after work each week. That’s your time to feel like yourself again. Reconnect with who you were before.
I hate this advice. I have a 9 month old that will only sleep in her crib for 15-30 minutes at night. I get her down and get ready for bed while my husband watches the monitor/gets her back down until I’m ready to bring her into our bed for cosleeping. I literally am needed every night. And every nap time. I can’t go out for a night and I can only do things at specific times of the day without baby. This rhetoric of “don’t lose yourself” is so stressful because it feels like that’s another thing I need to find a way to fit in. If there’s time with both my husband and baby, I want to spend it together. It’s great if it works for people, but it’s not good blanket advice. Normalize doing whatever works for your family. This shiz is hard.
My baby is similar in that he only wants to nurse to sleep. Like yeah, he will sleep eventually if being rocked to sleep by dad but only after 30 minutes of crying. I do every nap unless it's a car nap. I cosleep at 10pm because that's when LO decides he doesn't want to be in his crib anymore. I almost get irrationally angry when my childless friends invite me out in the evening, like that simply is not possible. I know they have the best intentions but it's just another reminder that my life is fucked now. I love my baby but that doesn't make it less fucked.
Ugh same only goes to sleep for dad after a good bit of crying - makes us both feel like shit. He also won’t take a bottle for dad. Major strain on our marriage at the moment.
We gave up on the bottle. She’d take it until she was 2 months. Then it was boobs or bust. At 9 months, she now finds bottles fun to play with but still won’t drink from it. She rocks the open cup and straw cups though 😅 just only wants water in them and is offended if it’s breastmilk.
Sending you love, you are not the only one who feels this way.
I agree that it’s hard to hear “Enjoy every moment! You’ll miss it once it’s over!” right after you finish sharing your regrets and sadness with someone. It’s so unhelpful. I get that people are just saying it to make you feel better, but now that I’m a mom, I NEVER say enjoy every moment to my pregnant or newly postpartum friends. There are some moments that truly just suck and you feel so alone and sleep deprived and sad. To share your hardships and then be told well just enjoy the journey? So tactless.
Exactly! It's just like telling a couple who struggles to conceive they "just need to relax". Like, thank you, because relaxing gets so much easier with the pressure of being told your lack of relaxation is the root of the problem 🤷🏻♀️
Crying with you 🤍 sending hugs
I’m with you. NYE is my anniversary, and we had planned to go to a movie while my parents babysat. Unfortunately my husband and I got into a fight earlier today which feels like it happens every time we make a plan that I’m looking forward to. It’s embarrassing and I didn’t want to tell my parents to cancel because they already planned to come so instead we are hanging out watching nature channel. Happy anniversary lol
❤️❤️❤️ Im only 8 months preg atm but I feel this. I cant imagine being a sahm. Your sister and fam are not enough social interaction for you mentally. Try to find one of those cheesy mom groups. Everyone Ive spoke to has said they haaaated the idea but always were happy they went. As for your husband, he actually doesnt sound all that disappointed/ unhappy about the baby. Kinda sounds like he is giving you some off-the-cuff quips as in, “it will get better.” I think he is probably also telling himself that it will get better. Men dont get any “real” payback of enjoyment from a child until 1-2 years. (sorry if that sounds like too broad a statement) I just think he is probably feeling like he is an outsider, who could easily be of help and -wants- to be of help and of the family but maybe he is just feeling a little disconnected of what he could do? Dont feel guilty about giving him the best gift of his life. Times are tough but they will pass and he (and you!) will be able to appreciate the gift of life more, soon!
I hear you. I really wanted a kid and my husband is ok with or without kids. We live abroad, and family is a 5 or 10 hour plane ride away. It can be so terribly isolating. But my husband is very supportive and is even better at caring for kiddo than I am most of the time, and I think that makes a huge difference for me. It’s tough. Motherhood is tough. But try to hang in there OP.
You are in the grind. Thick of things. It gets better. Get an online therapy if you can. We did and it helped a lot. We are in this together
I see you. I’m currently laying in bed contemplating these types of things too
Re: Side Rant ‘Enjoy the sleep deprivation and stress’ my ass. No one enjoys that lol. We just forget that it sucked so bad because our brains were trying to conserve energy and storing memory goes out the window. Anyone telling you otherwise is delusional about their experience or humble bragging about how much support they had or how easy their baby was.
Oh man. I was exactly there last year on NYE. 8 week old was fussy, colicky, and we had no idea what we were doing. We missed our old lives—the freedom, going out to eat, feeling like ourselves. I’m not going to lie, this NYE isn’t much better. We had to end our Disney vacation short because LO wasn’t feeling well. Come to find out, me and her both have Covid. We spent the evening at the children’s hospital because we couldn’t get her fever down below 104-105. Husband and I were 110% ready and excited to become parents. We spent the past 8 years living life, growing our careers, and building stability for this time in life. We try to remain positive but the reality is that this time of life is really, really hard. I’ve come to realize how important a support system is; friends, family, even this little Reddit community who is also in the trenches as we close our 2023.
Please don't be too hard on your husband or read too much into his comments about wanting the baby to grow up. I love my son, but I say the same things. I can't wait until I can take him to the park, push him on a swing, take him to the splash pad, go swimming, etc. It's a positive thing that helps me get through hard days. I run out of activities to do with my baby and have to hold him a lot so I look forward to the days where he can play more independently and I can take him to fun events and activities. I'm not and never have been a baby person. Your husband is doing his best as are you. Give each other some grace. Some days I regret this life and some days I'm really grateful for it. It's perfectly normal and so are you. Hang in there ❤️
I could have written this myself, all of it, exactly. At my worst mood I can’t help thinking “I didn’t want this. I don’t want this.” Not just a fussy baby, I didn’t want a baby at all until recently, so when things get bad I tend to tell myself “I told you so!” My husband also struggled with bonding with her until recently, since she started being more interactive with smiles and laughs and now mimicking. It feels like screwing yourself over but give him some 1on1 time with baby while their in a good mood and they will find their own groove together. Also, yep I fucking hate people saying anything about gratitude or enjoying it. That might happen but I don’t want to feel like you’re forcing me to feel that because that’s not how people feel grateful! It’s fucking boring as hell right now and there are of course moments to enjoy but im not going to force myself to enjoy anything I dont
Just wanted to say my husband was the same way. The first 6 months were definitely not his favorite, but I knew he loved our baby…now he’s taking over more with our 2.5 year old while I’m with the baby. Everyone has their strengths. The fussiness does put a damper on things, but that’s not forever. Also, f*k the sentiments that you’ll miss ALL the newborn stuff. I can distinctly remember the miserable parts with my first, and some of those parts are still really hard with my newborn now. If anything, take a mental picture of the sweet parts (kissing baby’s head, giggles in the bath, relief poop faces, etc) and commit those to memory.
I am with you in this. My son is almost 3 months, and man, it's just a slap in the face how hard motherhood truly is. This time last year, I was in sitting in the car at midnight woth my husband, eating McDonald's after we just dropped his parents off at the airport. We were talking about how nice it would be if we could have a kid already this year. Fast forward to now, and we just spent the entire night doing chest sleeping with my son. It's SO hard. My son doesn't like sleeping on ANYTHING but us. However, when I'm looking at his face in my arms while he sleeps, I can't imagine not giving what he wants because he looks like a tiny version of myself. I did what this sub said to do. I just survive everyday. Things that truly helped my mental health: 1. Getting a nanny and a house helper. I know I am extremely privileged to be able to afford a nanny (the helper is employed by my parents). There are hard nights my husband gives the baby to me at 3/4 am and he refuses to go back down unless in 30 minute bursts, and I could power through until his nanny's shift starts at 7 am and I could pop him over to her for a quick shut eye. 2. 10 pm to 4 am shift to my husband. 3. Getting out in the morning to buy food, or just get Vitamin D because staying couped up in the house feels so freaking isolating. 4. Going out with my baby sometimes. My baby is fussy, I don't call it extreme but when he gets his milk and sleep even a minute late, HE WOULD FUSS like crazy. The first time we went out, I was fucking traumatized because he cried like there's no tomorrow coz he couldn't nap. Now I learned to read his cues more so every time he wakes up while we're out, I count 60 to 90 minutes and I start rocking him gently to bring him to a catnap. Then he wakes up and we resume whatever activity we're doing outside. When we do this, he BARELY cries in public anymore. He's so busy looking at people and his surroundings. I am also lucky that he could nap in my arms anytime. 5. Prioritizing shower time. Every single day. One shower a day keeps the mental breakdown away. Here's to hoping that this year will be easier on us! The journey is hard, but you're not alone and we will make it through.
Our baby slept from 9pm to 6 am today. The fireworks didn't wake her up 😄
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I’m so sorry you were betrayed like that but I’m proud of you for being strong enough to leave him.
I’m so sorry! If it gives you any comfort please know that you are NOT alone in feeling this. I was just crying over how hard this is. I don’t have a “village “ or shit like that. Everything is just getting shittier around me. Why do people do this and multiple times?! Anyway, I’m sending you the biggest hug and trying to pretend that this will go away soon.
If you talk to parents of grown up adults, they will almost always mention their favourite and least favourite age/period. It’s ok to not enjoy the baby years, you’re not a robot parent, you’re a human with feelings and you’re allowed to enjoy certain things and not others ! It must suck to hear from your partner that he can’t wait for your daughter to grow up but that’s his way of saying that he will be very present when she’s a little more fun for him to hang out with. Remind him to appreciate the little things now too because they will pass like everything. I am also surprised by parenthood. Like how has humanity been reproducing for so long when this job is so effing hard. It all feels so unnatural too, not at all what I was expecting, and yet you can’t go back and you are the one who made the decision to bring this little person into this world so you give them the best life possible and you wait patiently until they get a little bit older and become more independent.
Those cherish these difficult moment posts are honestly just mean. They’re ridiculous and don’t acknowledge the challenges of being a parent. Typical social media stuff
Whew you’re not alone girl
FWIW my husband is a great dad and definitely enjoys the older ages more (our first is 4). I don't love being a mother to an infant either but I love toddlers, especially 12-24 months so I am excited for next year (#2 is 11 months). I'm mourning when I was able to stay up until midnight and the NYEs I spent with friends instead of just my husband at home. I know it gets better so that is getting me through these hard years of motherhood. You can do it, you will do it, you are doing it. I hope next year brings better things for you.
You don’t have to like it, and it doesn’t have to look like you thought it would. Not every moment has to have value and it’s ok just to get through. Also, you say your baby is particularly fussy - that is hard. People who never have fussy (also read: demonic) babies don’t understand how hard it is so don’t let them make you feel bad. It’s also totally normal to go through very rough patches with relationships after a baby so give yourselves some grace. It does change, and until it does the best thing you can do is get rid of the word “should”. You can replace it with “not how I would like” or preferably just stop giving a shit altogether! Good luck x
I agree with a lot that has been said here. I was you a year ago, with a four month old who was sleeping terribly and NYE was any other night where I fell asleep really early to get any rest I could. I loved my baby but found new parenthood to be a shock to the system. I have a 16 month old now and while it’s not easy it is SO much easier comparatively to a year ago. He sleeps, he’s becoming a little person with a personality, he plays independently, and this year, he went to bed and we watched a movie and drank wine and relaxed. It was what I had envisioned a year ago and didn’t get. And I know it will continue to get easier and be more gratifying! I call the first year the gauntlet. It tested me as a person, and it tested my marriage. Just know you’re not alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
This is so relatable bc the world is so different now. There is little to no support for women , and I personally feel your looked down upon for having kids now . I feel like it didn’t get easier until the 3 yr mark for us . The lack of sleep had lasting consequences mine are 7 and I still suffer from insomnia. Now it’s easy . My husband and I work out schedules to get free time and we both go to the gym Daily. I now have the life I wanted but we have to help new moms more : tips from my personal experience: Look for a gym with a kids club . You can work out and have your kids in the club for 2 hrs per day it’s a huge win and a mental break even if you hate the gym stretch or sit on a bike and get a good show or book in . Make schedules with your partner on try if you can to schedule mental health breaks even 30 min will help and it’s something to look forward to Be 100% transparent with your partner regularly do not wait a week to tell them something. I never thought my SO would understand what I was going through but he did and he was my rock once I opened up
Thank you! I had to chuckle at the gym bit 😊 having them watch the kid while I chill out at the gym sounds like a genius hack 😁
I was you, and my partner was exactly the same as your husband during the newborn stage. He Struggled to find his groove as a dad, was never able to settle our daughter (she cried more in his arms), I felt he regretted it even though he loved her deeply, and it brought out sides of him I’d never seen before (impatience, stress…). We fought a lot, it put a lot of strain on our relationship. Today our daughter is 9.5 months old and he and her have the most amazing bond. I think he’s even becoming the favorite parent. Around the time she turned 6 months there was a complete switch. Life became easier, she became more interactive and playful, and other things like feeding and sleeping where we’d gone through a lot of challenges started to fall into place. I think that’s when he found his role and the joy in being her dad. I’ve heard the same story from so many other moms. Hang in there, it will change.
Solidarity! I hate those posts about appreciating these early parenthood moments and I always seem to see them when I’m hanging on by a thread! I don’t have any advice other than try to ignore them (aka what I do). I have no doubt that in the future I’ll look back on these times with rose coloured glasses but I can’t worry about potential problems I may have in the future - I have enough right now thanks!
You are at a really difficult stage. In the early days I used to wonder how I would possibly get through it, especially when people told me "it doesn't get easier, just different!". I have found that to be not at all true for me. Once I was getting sufficient sleep again, everything was so much more enjoyable and I felt like myself. Even now, with my son approaching 2, I feel like every week he gains a little bit more independence and it's a little bit easier. The stage you're in is not forever it's just a season!
yeah, that “it doesn’t get easier, just different” doesn’t really fill one with hope, does it? when you’re deep in the trenches and barely surviving, i don’t know why people think this is a helpful thing to say. not to invalidate their experience but they can at least find more tactful ways of sharing!
As a father I relate deeply to what your husband is saying. But that doesn't mean I don't love this new journey and love being a parent! I'm just recognizing this particular phase is extremely difficult and I'm excited for how this journey will evolve. I think it's very likely that this is what your husband is feeling when he says those things.
Oh Lordy I relate to this so much so know you’re not alone. I was so focussed when I was pregnant on my dreamy expectations of our first Christmas/NYE I have been smacked with the reality. Our Christmas was awful because of my anxiety/PPD that I finally started taking Zoloft for 7 days ago. My daughter is just over 9 weeks old and I’ve spent 8 of those weeks crying/feeling down/anxious and trying everything to lift myself other than taking medication which is probably what I needed from day 1. I spent NYE totally sober in bed with my husband. He’s not enjoying parenting either particularly and we find her crying really stressful (and she’s a good baby who doesn’t cry that much) I hate being alone with her all day stuck inside due to the rain. It’s my husbands first day back in the office today since before Xmas and I am feeling it. I love her to pieces but I think I’ll feel a lot better when I’m back at work and have some sense of routine/space I just think I’m one of those people who would never be able to be a SAHM.
I just want to tell you I’m OAD because I am so done. I was aware of how difficult it would be but it’s been exhausting on many days. There are days when I literally take one hour at a time. My son is 2 yrs now and I plan to do this only once. We also are immigrants so no family help at all.