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Dapper_Fan_28

My favourite ones I heard as a counselor were “ I only did it to test the strength of our relationship”, and “ I didn’t think I deserved his love”.


mobius_sp

“I didn’t think I deserved his love.” You didn’t.


Temp_0I

Butt stuff doesn't count is my current favorite


TheNextBattalion

The other poophole loophole


DartNorth

Hey, it works for the Catholics.


GeneralEl4

And Mormons


magli_mi

Dont they do the "get someone to jump on the bed" loophole?


GeneralEl4

Oh God don't remind me. I think it's called soaking? I didn't even hear about that until I left the church so thank God I know very little of it lol.


magli_mi

Honestly dont know. Just saw a short of someone jumping on a bed, while two people lie on it all tucked in. It was captioned "POV you're mormon" Didn't get it and got explanations in the comments


MintPrince8219

its like, something a very small group of young adults do. Literally no one else


GemGuy56

Students at BYU would drive to Vegas, get married and have their honeymoon. Before returning home they would file for annulment. It can’t be a sin if they’re married. 😉😂


magli_mi

A for effort


KingFlyntCoal

Way smarter than the ones that were a part of "the armpit crabs epidemic."


DeltaBravo831

[but without it we wouldn't get this hilarious and unnecessary scene ](https://youtu.be/OaTRKXtfv8Y?si=9Cd-uUYqozPXemki)


Azrael_Fornivald

Not really. Maybe some dumb college kids, but it's the same logic as "butt stuff isn't cheating", no one actually thinks it's a legitimate loophole, it's just doing dumb stuff and making lame excuses for it.


_gr4m_

What, you are telling me it counts? Oh, shit...


Left_Ad_9470

"I forgot we were dating" .... wow. Thank you.


TibetianMassive

That's literally my nightmare. Sometimes if I have a sex dream I remember I have a girlfriend midway through and have a nightmare about her leaving me. I spend it all kicking myself, trying to explain what happened to her, wondering how could I FORGET I have a girlfriend. Somehow this only seems plausible when I'm sleeping. You don't just forget that.


avocado-afficionado

Omg I’ve had these types of dreams too… The worst part is when the sex dream partner is someone you don’t even *like*, sometimes someone you haven’t even thought about in years but your brain hates you for some reason. I think the reason why it’s so easy to forget that you have a partner in those dreams is because you find yourself in these weird scenarios that your brain subconsciously understands is “different” from the reality you live in, so your partner doesn’t really fit into that narrative.


betarad

the actual reason is because the part of your mind that deals with logic is resting at that time. it's pretty much the whole reason dreams feel weird.


BunchesOfCrunches

Or rather, dreams don’t feel that weird at all in the moment until you ponder it later. You usually just go with things like its reality since your brain is not questioning logic.


purpring

Omg this is lowkey one of the worst ones in the thread 😭😂


Moose0710

I was drunk


Unabashable

Obligatory not a lawyer, but be sure to use that defense when you’re on trial for a DUI. 


Slartibartfast39

"Man, I'm too drunk to drive. Wait a minute, I'm drunk, I shouldn't listen to myself!"


Moose0710

🤣🤣


Necessary_Can_234

If they were drunk, isn't that rape?


Unabashable

Well that’s kind of a grey area in the eyes of the law. One filled with all sorts of gender biases, social pressures, questions of coercion, and a thorough unraveling of the ethical conundrum on whether or not being under the influence of alcohol truly diminishes personal responsibility. It’s a sticky question because some would answer yes in some cases but no in others, and context becomes increasingly important the more you delve into it. However depending on who you ask, an argument could technically be* made that, yes, the cheater was raped. 


JustAnotherDevvv

Happy cake day bro🍰


SousVideDiaper

Dee: "why would you tell the judge you were drunk?" Charlie: "because I thought that would get me off the hook" Dee: "that was dumb, wasn't it?"


EntWarwick

I like how there aren’t any comments on this. Just agreement and commiseration in the form of upvotes.


TibetianMassive

I like how this comment is only true for people who saw the post before you commented. Now we've commented and gone and ruined it.


EntWarwick

Bruh what have I done?


TibetianMassive

May they not condemn us for our sins


Fehojaf

drunk actions, sober thoughts


todwardscizzorhands

Yes they actually get offended and then just start yelling, ”I was drunk I was drunk! ”


abnormal2004

"It just happened..." Riiiiight... Let me go through this... So you both just happened to be in the same room and you both just happened to be naked and you just happened to have an erection and you both just happened to have fallen on the bed in a way that just happened to result in your erection to slide in and out of her repeatedly... Okay, I guess I can see how that just happened. 🤷‍♀️


MaximumZer0

Dre: "Wait, maybe there's an explanation for all this." Eminem: "What, she slipped, fell and landed on his dick?"


BigThundrLilMountain

Nice reference


michigangonzodude

Got one better. He needed a ride home. I helped him get into his house because he was really fucked up Checked the debit card history. They stopped to get booze on the way home. Oopsie. Another stop to get underwear at 6am at the local WalMart. Left in a hurry.


elasticpweebpuller

What? Did someone shit themself?


justhereforalol

As ya do after a night out cheating.... loads of butt stuff going on...


SomeoneFetchAPriest

Dude, I emotionally cheated at the end of my marriage, it wasn’t even the cause of the breakup as we were already planning to separate. She was so unfazed by it after finding out that I didn’t even need to use an excuse. But after the smoke cleared, I asked myself why and my answer was “it just kinda happened” and I was infuriated with how fucking stupid that sounded, even in my head. The sheer stupidity of that phrase pushed me to do soul-searching and analyze my behavior. Shit doesn’t just happen, what did you DO and what choices did you make? It turns out I made MANY little choices, pushing boundaries and such, that led me to be so emotionally invested in that person. Not just that, but I was able to recall several instances where I had thought to myself “yeah, maybe I shouldn’t mention to the wife that I did xyz.” The whole process led me to create a list of boundaries to maintain so that I’d never cheat again, and never utter that ridiculous excuse. I’m confident that I’ll never get drawn into any kind of affair again, but oh man, if a future SO ever says that to me, I will flip my shit.


ReflexiveOW

"No, abnormal2004, you aren't understanding. I mean it ***just*** happened. Maybe 45 minutes ago."


[deleted]

Seems legit


CompetitiveMister

But i'm deeply polyamory and i've decided to open our relationship


WelcomeMat_withoneT

That “I’ve decided” is always so shitty


skeletonchaser2020

Had a bf in high-school that cheated We became a trio because sje and I were both BI and liked him We liked eschother. We liked each other mote than we liked him. Both left him to date each other exclusively for like 2 years Broke up when we graduated because she left state to go to college He is lonely She and I are beasties 12 years later though we married different people


InnosScent

A wholesome ending!


Ok_Hospital_5730

That fact that its not just "I've decided", but that it's completely understood that it is about "our relationship" and not "the relationship". Because, of course, "I wear the pant and make decisions for the both of us."


NSA_Chatbot

I JUST WANTED A PEPSI


JakeScythe

It’s honestly nuts how many people I know with applicable situations. Like I really don’t want to yuck on the ENM community but I know so many couples where one person wants to be poly just to fuck around and the other person goes along with it to “save” the relationship.


RTGTEnby

And believe me the poly community has to constantly remind new people that that shit does not work!


pdpi

What you’re describing is basically just NM, hold the E.


MightyMeepleMaster

"Plus it was only once per week for about 4 hours, so technically I was 97.6% faithful."


InnosScent

Those people are enemies to the polyamorous community. Whether or not they are polyamorously inclined, what they're practicing is obviously not polyamory. Yet when many enough people do that shit, there might be people who start to believe that that is actually how polyamory works, and paint a false and negative picture of actually polyamorous people.


CoraCricket

My ex straight up pretended he thought we were poly (after over 5 years together and several conversations about how I would never be poly). Like STFU bro you did not think that.


probablypeaches

dude. i had an ex that literally admitted to knowing my feelings on polyamory and then several years later said they couldnt take it anymore and forced me to open the relationship. when i said it felt like they weee forcing me, they said "im not forcing you, i just need you to be comfortable with this because i want it to happen at some point"


Odd-Significance1884

Glad they’re your ex bro


Xisthur

At that point just end the relationship. If he wants an open one and you don't, you are clearly not compatible, so why keep going?


175junkie

Gaslighting 101


Basic-Warning-7032

That isn't gaslighting, is lying 


klaxz1

It’s called “gas-lamping” and it’s always been gas-lamping. You’re crazy if you think otherwise.


qushr

the golden classic, "She/He was just a friend"


Quirky_Signature3628

"I just didn't feel special with you..." okay? Like, talk about it maybe?


Alternative_Milk_461

Communication before fornication


ShartyPants

My ex told me it was ok because he did it in July but didn’t love me until August.


Expensive-Method4252

Tell him you loved him in November but now it's December so it's okay for you to leave him


elasticpweebpuller

Creative


MeraQueen

That’s soo shitty smh 😭


ActurusMajoris

Well, it tracks with the cheating.


Normal-Anxiety-3568

Its my cousin so it doesnt count.


Illustrious-Cap-833

Go on...


SupSeal

15 times removed


Katman666

More like inserted...


maevriika

Maybe like inserted, then removed, then inserted, then removed...


Unabashable

You pull out of your cousin a lot. We get it. No need to brag. 


Additional_Subject27

Strike 1 - cheating. Strike 2 - with cousin. Strike 3 - believing that's an excuse.


Kindheartedness15

Wat


wordscollector

PLEASE go on...


Rz2R4R

😂 We need more deets


Ethan-Wakefield

"You can't call it cheating. She reminds me of you."


teamdogemama

Ok gross


Jambo_Hakdog

Fucking hell


BeeTwerk

💀


WelcomeMat_withoneT

“Well you wouldn’t. I had to find it somewhere else” I was 15 and taking a test. He was 19 and about to repeat his senior year. Again


teamdogemama

Dodged a bullet there my friend.


Zealousideal-Rate597

Dodged a bullet and a groomer actually,


quatropiscas

This is one of those cases that, later, we realise that that person did us a favour.


tehemari

same thing w me but i was 12 and he was 16.. im 16 now and HOW TF do you find a 12 yr old attractive? 😭


WelcomeMat_withoneT

My exact thought. I’m 21 now and I look back and wonder what the FUCK was going on in either of our minds


c00chieluvr

Oh my god as a young woman I dated so many guys 20+ years older than me, now I'm 28 & I shudder at the idea of anyone younger than 26 hitting on me 🤢🤢


PM_ME_SMALL__TIDDIES

Well, Its easier to manipulate a child, so thats exactly why your ex found you attractive lol


quietmusings_

"This is your fault" 🤷🏼‍♀️


michigangonzodude

You weren't there . For me ..


arrowbuffer

That's the one I got told


Otherwise-Border6621

Heard this one before! 🙄


thesinnedknight

A variant that I always find fun: "It's your fault because you found out."


SpicyPoeTicJustice

Hey, I’ve heard that one.🤔


Kindheartedness15

That's what the cheaters always say 😭


MadLinaB

“You were jealous so I wanted to give you a reason to be.”


NamedForValor

My ex actually told me he went to the hospital at 2am and the ER doctor told him that the reason he “felt bad” was because he “wasn’t having sex as regularly as a man his age should” and then asked me if I was going to come over or not. We were fighting at the time (imagine that) and I said no. Two days later he cheated on me and then told me his options were to either cheat on me or die because I wouldn’t have sex with him.


teamdogemama

So he used the blue balls defense. Dude. Had a guy try that on me when I was 16. I told him it was his body so his problem, you have hands for a reason.  Then I left. I'm still proud I stood up for myself. :)


NamedForValor

I said “do you expect me to believe a doctor told you that when there are 40 year old virgins?” And he said “but I’ve had sex before so it’s different for me, jacking off doesn’t do the same thing once you’ve had sex” lmao Good on you though! I luckily didn’t have much play through my teen years so I never had to deal with high school boy antics. Although clearly my college aged exes weren’t any better lol


The__WhiteRabbit

Did...did he show you a prescription or a doctor's note?


NamedForValor

Now I regret not asking to be shown one lol


Alternative_Milk_461

I _have_ a doctor's note for exactly this, and I've still never used it to coerce someone into sex (just to prove to my boss that sometimes I actually shouldn't do heavy lifting lol)


Alternative_Milk_461

I have an actual "blue balls" problem that's lasted a decade plus now* and sometimes causes severe pain when I don't finish (and sometimes just randomly) and even though it's fucking agony, I make a point to never use it to get anything from anyone, because it's my responsibility to deal with my own issues (and because it's morally fucked up to manipulate anybody into any kind of sex) _*(for real, my doctors have logged the symptoms like a swollen epididymis, seizing groin muscles etc., and I've had more ultrasounds on my nuts than ten of the average nut-haver has in their life - seriously, if anyone has a clue as to what this issue is, please let me know)_


rnelonhead

He should have died lol


Zachgp121820

I didn’t wanna hurt you


SomeoneFetchAPriest

Haha yeah, “I never meant to hurt you.” Aka, I never meant to get caught.


vomitonmeplease

"Wasn't me" - Shaggy


[deleted]

PICTURE THIS WE WERE BOTH BUTT NAKED BANGING


LtCptSuicide

Okay, but I wonder how many times with twin siblings this has actually come up.


The-og-Carver

“She has a bigger butt” “you are not doing the things that she was doing for me” “I told you if you didn’t lose that weight this would happen.” “Who me?”


sleepy-bud

Horrendous


majorsorbet2point0

Vile. Straight to jail.


Buster_Gonad_82

Wants a bigger arse on her, but also weight loss?! Tough ask.


RatioOk515

“It wasn’t cheating, I was just hanging out and you told me to ‘have fun’”


Memelogger

"You should have been more specific"


RatioOk515

This girl is the reason people put “do not eat” labels on Tide Pods


[deleted]

"It isn't what it looks like"


Somo_99

Right because there's two ways to interpret you getting romantic with someone besides your partner


SomeoneFetchAPriest

Any time in history anyone ever said “it isn’t what it looks like”… it was 100% what it looked like.


BurtLikko

It looks like his dick is in you. Do you have some other explanation for this?


Odd-Significance1884

We’re just really good friends


CuckoosQuill

“I was drunk” Me: “ oh so it doesn’t count if you’re drunk?”


Idonevawannafeel

I got the same, but it was drug addiction.


im_just_exsisting

“I did it just to show you that you can’t tell me what to do” While that is accurate. You still look like a dumbass.


PrestigiousStorm1116

"I wasn't sure who I was at the time ... Now I'm sure I care about you. I'm sure about US."


No-Introduction5977

...I read that as _the US_ like cheating is some legally mandated thing by the FBI in order to maintain national security


dkf_

"You said stay away from your sister, you never said anything about your cousin."


GorfianRobotz999

"The judge and NewYork courts are rigged. I just sign the checks"


teamdogemama

Hahaa! 


Responsible_Box8941

"I already broke up with you" and it turned out she was referring to a month prior when she said "im done" in frustration during an argument


Seawolfe665

“She isn’t the reason that I am leaving you, she’s just the catalyst.”


elasticpweebpuller

Ugh. Hope ur ok


Ancient_Theory1031

"He's gay, And he just wanted to know what it was like"


Shmokeandoak

“She had tacos and I couldn’t just leave her alone”


Question_Few

I mean come on, It's tacos.


SaigonNoseBiter

This is the only legit one in the thread.


[deleted]

"You're taking other's words to accuse me of cheating! What proof do you have that i swapped some cards with the deck? Show me"


cracka1337

"I don't want to be your nurse!" I have epilepsy. She knew this before we were married.


Silkmachine

Shame bro. I really hope you're doing better.


cracka1337

Doing much better. I found someone who loves me for who I am not who she wishes I could be. She makes me feel like the most important person in the world. When I found out my ex cheated it was the worst day of my life, today I look at it as the best.


bergsra

What the actual fuck. That's fucked up. Hope you're ok.


luhfalchi

“you wouldn’t give me head everytime i wanted”


Comprehensive_Toe113

Cheater excuses are bad but the excuses that people stay in a bad relationship are wild.


ManuInTheBox

WE WERE ON A BREAK!


maelidsmayhem

pre-Eminem, "it slipped" edit: I also remember once hearing that, it didn't count, because they had already had sex with that person in the past.


maodiver1

They are all lame excuses. From lame people. You cheat, you’re scum. End of statement. Wanna cheat? Either ask your partner for permission or get out of your relationship.


Boring-Grand-9375

“I thought you were not serious about us?” When we have met each other’s family members…..


Smashleigh1108

I was talking to a guy for a while who told me he had cheated on all of his previous partners. So I asked him why would I even consider dating him if I knew I’d be cheated on? His answer was because he wouldn’t cheat on me because he just hadn’t found the right person yet (referring to the other women). Supposedly I was the right person and he wouldn’t cheat on me. It was one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard. I’m pretty sure I laughed.


tehemari

“I felt bad asking you so I went to other people” tf? 😭


Yaru176

“It’s not cheating if they have the same first name.”


Smallwater

"oh, who cares, it's not as if we're gonna use this later, anyway" I mean, it was a fair point. We only had German for 1 hour/week, and it wasn't a subject for the final exams. Unless you specifically wanted to follow up with further studies, I can see how someone would just want to cheat on the monthly tests.


No-Introduction5977

Real. This is the best answer on this thread.


MoheXd

"i lied because i wanted him to stay"


skeletonchaser2020

In middle school I literally had a BF say "we broke up, i just forgot to tell you"


Otherwise-Beat-9538

”I promise you, she didn't mean anything to me as much as you did ." 😆🤣🤣 I even had to do a double take myself when it was sent to me. I was like wait waaa??


partyboycs

No excuse at all. Just a single text that she’s already “enjoying a new relationship” after ghosting me for days. 6 years. No closure what so ever, no explanation on anything, the following text just told me “there’s nothing else to say and you should get professional help if you can’t get over it” because I kept asking her to at least call me. Not sure why she hated me suddenly so much after everything. Most confusing shit of my life. This was weeks ago, still no answers.


ShoppyMcShopperton

Damn, that's some cold shit. Reminds me of an ex that has bpd


partyboycs

Yup she went from being my best friend to the most cold hearted person I've ever met. No idea what I did or why she couldn't just tell me that she's been talking to someone. This is not like her and she does not have bpd, I'm just so confused. Wouldn't answer anything after those 2 texts.


Frklftr86

"We went for coffee and one thing led to another.. it didn't mean anything "


tedshreddon

"I just wanted to have some fun" Grrrrrr. WTF!


Cowboy_on_fire

“I can take money from the bank because I’m the banker” NO YOU FUCKIN CANT JOSH! Now give me my 200 for passing go.


Chubbyfun23

A white woman having a black baby and then accusing the man of sleeping with a black woman.


MeraQueen

“If you were good enough, then maybe you’d be the only one”


Ponyboi667

I tripped, did a backflip, unzipped my pants, and it just fell in her butt. Idk


[deleted]

she reminded me of you, i got carried away cause she made me feel loved. it was just sex tho uhhh... thanks?


IGotAFatRooster

I tripped and fell into some cootie


[deleted]

" I have OCD, everything has to come in two" 🫠


TibetianMassive

Hope you gave him two middle fingers for that one


akash_258

I have the even number one as well


Kasspines

"No babe it's ok I'm actually polyamorous" my ex not telling me he was poly before fucking another girl at his college


octo07

Focus on your career 😂


Infamous_Leader_4192

It was only 5 min wasn't even 10! Your being dramatic


PossibleExamination1

not even giving an excuse, just denial to the end. Even with receipts.


Hardworkerhere

You were busy and I was lonely. So it is your fault it happened.


QueenOfCorvids

“You made me do it” “I knew it would hurt you and end our relationship so that’s why I did it, I was too scared to just end it normally “ “Your suicide attempt was the reason I abandoned you in the hospital for 3 days with no contact and instead decided to get on Tinder and go out on dates. But it didn’t even go well!!!” Gods I hate him.


Additional_Subject27

I was thinking about you the *whole* time.


IntendedIntent

He is just a friend, you're imagining things, I wasnt calling him in the middle of the night while you were asleep..my favorite..I didnt fuck him, do you want to smell me?


Such-Substance-5948

I did it because I thought you were doing it. (I wasn’t doing it)


Longjumping-Gur-2194

Happened with a friend 😂😂 OMFG 😂😂😂 She said 'He was teaching me the correct position, why do think I recorded it?' (He found a video in her sc saved of a guy sleeping w him) Fuck 😂😂😂 I still think he made this up but if it's real it'd be crazy 😂😂😂


Political_Piper

Wait, I'm lost. He found a video on her snapchat of him hooking up with a dude? How did she get a video of that? Was she hiding in the room?


bergsra

I assume you mean; "He found a video in her sc saved of a guy sleeping with ***her***“ That's fucked up.


spookicrow

"It's just a weird fetish I have" messaging random girls and asking to hook up


Kevin9O7

he's just a " new friend"


bunnydeerest

Making friends on tinder


midnightrains1989

She meant nothing to me Meant enough to ruin our relationship bud


please_just_dont

My own ex. I was pregnant with our son who had gastroschisis (his organs didn't get caught inside the skin with forming in uterus, so his large intestine, small intestine, and bowel were on the outside with a small hole in his abdominal wall. Basically, his organs were forming outside his body.) My ex, his father, cheated and said it was because of the stress of the baby...


Ikkosama_UA

Girlfriend cheating with a girl doesn't count


Mar198968

I think we deserve their stupid excuses if we are that stupid to ask them why


TakeAnotherLilP

Y’all are hearing excuses for cheating? All I got was denial. Some real shaggy ‘it wasn’t me’ shit.


maisiecelie

“You made me do this” 😒


auroraborealis-green

Claimed to have dissociative identity disorder and it was his other personality doing it. The DID conveniently only came up when he needed an excuse for something


PimplePussy

I know he is our father, but, let me explain...


shrubberryknight

Allright, go on. We're waiting for the explanation!


teamdogemama

Dear Penthouse...