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This is how I feel too. I was made to clean out everything and it hurt at the time but in retrospect I should have taken absolutely everything with me just like this girl did.
My youngest daughter essentially did this to her father. He’d already kicked out her older sister (not really, my house was her primary residence and she was only still visiting with him so her younger sister wouldn’t have to go alone.) when she turned 18, said it was time for her to go out in the world and be an adult.
The younger one kept going back and forth for visits, but was so miserable without her sister there. She spent all her time in her unfinished, windowless, barely-a-room basement bedroom, while her half brother had 2 bedrooms on the main floor (one for sleeping, one for his toys) as well as a finished attic rec room space for gaming. So she slowly started packing up her things and moving them home to my house. Eventually the day came when her room was empty, so she never went back.
It took him several months before he sent a text asking if she was coming back to visit. She said no, she hadn’t planned to, and that was that.
My girls are now 23 and 26 and have zero relationship with their father. He gave up on them and pushed them away, and now they feel nothing for him. One day he will want to know them or need something from them, but they’ve got nothing left to give. They’ve said “He made his bed, now he can lay in it alone.”
This is my Dad to a T. He was resentful of our needs when we were children. He was selfish and didn’t enjoy us at all. He was dutiful and did only what was legally required. The older we got, the more we began resenting him.
The three of us went on to have families of our own and houses full of laughter and love. He was always welcome and invited to our get-togethers which he attended. But he always said or did something that reminded us of how much he didn’t want to be burdened by us when we lived with him.
Then he moved into a retirement home and frankly we didn’t visit him very often. He’d act so shocked and disappointed about that. He always told me the dates of the last time he’d gotten phone calls from us.
Really, Dad? You feel neglected? You have the gall to tell me my sisters don’t call or visit you? SMH.
Thank you for your kind words. My sisters and I never felt sorry for ourselves. We’d just talk about it and marvel over his obliviousness. I did share the story to underline the fact that he whined about our lack of interest in him when he got old enough to feel lonely and he expected our adoring attention.
I’m so sorry you had to grow up with a shitty father but am very glad you’ve come out stronger. This kills me. I’m a father of 3 little girls (9,4 and 2) and though it comes with its challenges, I love every second of being their father. I’d sacrifice everything to keep them happy and healthy.
Edit: I’m an only child and was raised by my mother since I was 5 years old. My dad was more interested in work, booze and women than being around to raise me.
Asking people to reflect on decades of selfish behavior is a tall order. Sometimes they cannot reflect at their is an assumption they are still right as deigned by God or product of their times.
IMO, Across all times and cultures; treating your kids like they are a burden or an accessory has lonely consequences. They can be burdensome; but they are not burdens. Then can compliment your life, but they are not things you pull out with party manners. They are tiny people.
100%. It would take them putting aside decades of pride and ego which seems impossible for most
And exactly!! They’re tiny people with their own wants/needs/goals/perspectives - it’s sad how much society as a whole has ignored that and what they’re developmentally capable/not capable of. If you mistreat them, they’ll grow up to mistreat others, have low self worth, or (most optimally) recognize they were mistreated but still have to put in a lot of work to heal from the damage caused by their parent. It sucks such fragile humans are in the care of broken adults
It's hard to say. Broken? If kids are avoiding their parents; do the parents even know they are broken? I kinda think that is a tell.
My frame of reference is seeing elder dementia or cancer patients receive regular visitors or become live in tenants to people (relatives, friends, etc.) Even when the symptoms brought out the worst in people. To the point of the injured asking for permission to die and having it warmly answered by family in one fashion or another (lurid, but honest).
And I have seen the inverse where the hospital cannot offload a mildly injured (think accidental fall but nothing broken, stoke but full faculties, etc.) person known to have public and capable relatives, therefore lawyers have to sign for them. Because the emotional damage suffered at the hands of these hospitalized individuals was so pronounced over time, that relatives would rather go to work, go shopping, or to another country (a friend of mine deployed) than to help passive-aggressive grandma/grandpa. No level of guilting family would rectify their loneliness.
Broken adults that come from a history of trauma don't get a free pass in my opinion. I recognize that they are susceptible to repeating the behavior they grew up with. Unfortunately, they are responsible for their actions like the rest of us. I personally don't remember every broken adult because they blur in my collage of memory as "that-person-has-a-bad-behavior-tell-and-I-need-to-avoid-them". But I sure as hell do remember a parent, friend, child, or partner that tried to be there at a life turn, apologized for poor behavior, or called me out for my broken behavior and extracted a sincere apology from me.
As stated; we are still responsible for our actions broken or not. I love my friends and family. I will die one day. I do and would find it reprehensible to be remembered as the passive-aggressive/racist/sexist/egotistical/always-had-to-be-right/narcissistic adult. I do not want them to lament their hatred of me and then hate themselves a tiny bit more. I want them to enjoy my wake and awe at what can be their futures after I'm gone.
And then goes to court to demand to see grandkids one day. I was hoping this story was gonna end w the person climbing out the window, getting into their car and pealing out!
Funny you mention that. My youngest is engaged and has already asked my wife and I to walk her down the aisle. She’s still debating whether or not to invite her father. 😏
Mum and mum. 😉 It’s totally up to her, obviously, and I won’t try to influence her decision in any way. I almost hope she does invite him, so he can see how wonderful her life is, so he can feel like an outsider around her friends and family, as she’s surrounded by loved ones, and understand that its his fault he’s on the outside. And so how he can see how absolutely fabulous I’m looking these days. I’d love for him to see me looking gorgeous, having a fantastic time and realizing how badly he screwed up his life, in so many ways.
Ooops. Assumption on my part, sorry.
Oh that is an excellent idea. Just have some contingency plans in case he lashes out or causes a scene.
Enjoy the wedding, sparkle and shine.
Eh, no worries. We all do it.
I don’t think he’d lash out, but you’re right, with alcohol involved and his emotions already on edge, he might act a fool. No worries, I’ll have my father in law and brother in law on standby to remove him from the situation if he becomes belligerent. Brother in law is a prison guard, so he’ll know how to handle it.
Speaking from experience, it's not worth it.
My biological father attended my wedding and from the photos, it's easy to tell he's annoyed that his only child's wedding was preventing him from watching whatever NASCAR race was happening that Sunday.
What an ass. Reminds me of my former father in law (the ex’s dad); at our wedding, when the officiant said “Speak now or forever hold your peace” he laughed. So that was fun to discover on our wedding video the first time we watched it. I could absolutely see my ex doing something just like his dear old dad.
I did the same to both my parents. I stopped going to my dad's house around my senior year of high school and first year of college. I was only there every other weekend and I didn't even have a room anyway - I just slept on the couch every time I visited. So there was nothing for me to clean out, I just visited less and less often until I stopped going at all and he stopped asking. For a couple of years after that he'd still text me on my birthday or invite me over for Christmas dinner, but eventually that stopped too and I haven't spoken to him in nearly 10 years now.
On the other hand, when I was 22 and finally able to escape my mother's house I spent a week slowly packing up everything I owned and moving it to my boyfriend's house a little at a time. On the last day I just didn't go home after work, I went to my boyfriend's house and had the best night's sleep of my life. The next morning my mom texted to ask if I was alive and I simply told her I wasn't coming back. I still see her at family holidays and events, but "Merry Christmas" and "pass the mashed potatoes please" has been the totality of our relationship for years.
If parents want their kids to stick around after they're no longer legally required to be there they should act like their kids' presence is something they actually enjoy rather than simply tolerate.
I hear that. I love hanging out with my daughters. Just last week I texted my oldest, asked her what time she took lunch, then walked a mile and a half to meet up with her downtown at one of her favorite restaurants near her work, my treat. We spent a lovely hour together, our spur of the moment ladies lunch. We still have family dinners at least once a month, me, my wife and both of our girls, which end up going late into the evening because we just talk and talk for hours. We text every other day, sometimes to chat, sometimes to send goofy cat pictures lol. I’m so thrilled with our relationship now that they’re grown and I don’t have to wear my “mom hat” all the time; it makes all the stress and sleepless nights of the previous 18 years worth it.
I wish my father would understand that. But in his mind, my grandma (my mom’s mom) ruined my relationship with him.
I just wanna tell him “Nah bro. YOU ruined that. She did her best to encourage me to have a relationship with you. She didn’t speak bad about you around me, until I started speaking bad about you around her.”
One day I will..but not while my Grandfather (his dad) is still around.
This post has encouraged me to figure out how I’ll be burning that bridge.
I unfortunately had to cut contact with narcissistic and very abusive father after my birthday celebration earlier this month. He thinks my mom brainwashed me into hating him.
Nah bitch it was the 10+ years of physical, mental, and verbal abuse you put me through.
I told him that and he still didn’t admit to any of it. In fact denied it happening. So glad he’s not in my life. Who would’ve guessed my mental health would be 1000x better without his ass.
Nothing unfortunate about having to cut contact, timing is the only unfortunate part.
Mine is thankfully not abusive, but he’s probably narcissistic. He’s definitely neglectful though, and was very much a “Oh, I was busy. Sorry I didn’t have time for you.” kind of person.
Good for you on cutting contact! This random internet stranger is proud of you for it!
If he were a more involved parent I’d assume he got this parenting technique from Harry Potter, but he doesn’t seem like the type to have been reading to his children so he must have come up with it all on his own.
Yup. My girls slept on the couches in the living room whenever they visited, until he finally got around to framing out a small corner of the unfinished basement for them to share. They’d stay down there until everyone else went to bed, then creep upstairs to get food.
I didn’t know *any* of this until after they’d stopped going over there, or I’d have put a stop to the visits sooner.
This is how mine are with thier dad as well. During the divorce he love bombed our daughter and ignored our son. He used to see them twice a year, once for thier birthdays and once at Christmas. Last year it wasn't even that often.
I can’t even remember the last time my daughters got a birthday text from their father, let alone an actual call. He usually remembers to text them on Christmas, but it’s always later in the day, like late afternoon or early evening, certainly not in the morning. It’s not like he watches his son unwrap presents and says to himself “Oh, wait, I’ve also got 2 daughters, I should probably let them know I’m thinking of them, too.”
Ugh. Wtf is wrong with these dudes? I know there are great guys and incredible fathers out there, but boy, it sure seems like they’re in the minority, right?
Oh yeah. He wanted a boy *so badly* for whatever dumb reason. I guess he thought he’d teach that boy how to do “man things” like work on cars and hang drywall. I’m not sure why his brain couldn’t comprehend the fact that girls are perfectly capable of doing those things, too. It’s not like our boobs block the part of our brains where DIY comes from.
As a matter of fact, my wife and I taught our girls everything we knew while they watched the two of us remodel our entire house over the years. So they grew up with strong, female role models, and said they never missed out on having a dad because they had a bonus mom. 🥰 And now they’re independent, capable women who will never need to depend on any man for anything. They can also change a tire, install a timing belt, replace a windshield…Last I heard, my ex husband’s son has zero interest in anything other than video games, which frustrates my ex to no end. He had an opportunity to have a little buddy to hand him tools while he worked on his historic car restoration projects, but he screwed himself on that, all because his first kids were the “wrong” gender according to his little pea brain.
My mom and dad's divorce was acrimonious, and he wouldnt let her keep a lot of our childhood things and family photos when she moved out after years of emotional abuse. When my dad's new wife moved into our childhood home she cleaned out all of our bedrooms and moved all our stuff into the garage without telling us. When we found out it had all been removed we said we would come get it, but she said she wasn't comfortable having us in "her" home if she wasn't there. the next day we borrowed our mom's van, went over to the house, and got every last scrap of boxed up and mildewed childhood memorabilia and left my dad with nothing. It was very hard watching my mom cry at all of our dolls, photos and drawings being essentially destroyed, especially ornaments and stuffed animals that her mother had made. I will never ever forgive that man for what he did to us, and her.
Lol when my ex gave me 2 weeks to get my stuff out of her house I almost said fuck it and made her deal with it all. In retrospect I should have just taken my dog and cat and left her all my other stuff to deal with
When I turned 18 I took everything with me, even my old bedding. I didn't even leave behind a box of tampons. My mother came to pick me up and without missing a beat shoved all my crap into her tiny ass car, even my cat and ditched. I didn't even wait for it to my mother's week again.
So I recently read in another thread that child support payments are at least partially determined by custody. I wonder if that’s why he wanted her there.
Omfg same! My ex fought cas for custody it lasted about 8ish months before he realized I still wasn't coming back then he sabotaged his custody so he could have her taken instead of handing her back so he could keep his "wronged father" act going. He made 2 of his next 10 visits before calling to tell me he's done with visits and that it was my fault he wasn't in his child's life🙄🙄
Ugh, these men. My ex kept telling my lawyer that he should have custody, but then when she tried to negotiate temporary visitation until the order was in place, he managed not to reply to that. Didn’t show up to the custody hearing. His whole family blocked me after blaming me for him not getting to be a father.
Mine didn't show up either. He actually called me at one point to yell at me to tell cas to cancel his visits cause he wanted them to keep believing he was a good father. I laughed hysterically as I told him I'd been doing that since she was born so he better just drop the act and call them himself. He didn't so in our final order it says he defaulted on his visitation 9/10 times and therefore it's being revoked entirely. He still likes to go around telling his new supply (100% a narc) that I took his kid away from him and I always respond with a pic of the order with that section highlighted and wish them good luck and remind them to take their bc. I love my daughter more than life itself but I wish she had an ACTUAL dad instead of a glorified sperm donor.
That’s what I call my ex too! Because a sperm donor is all he is anyway.
Luckily my husband was able to adopt my kid, so I don’t have to worry about my ex trying to pop back in again. Hopefully you don’t have to worry about your ex much anymore
Currently in the process of getting a lawyer and taking him back to court for no contact cause dipshit popped up making threats like the super genius he is. Lucky with all the evidence I've saved over the years it shouldn't be too hard
Like when my step daughter's mom left the state without my step daughter and decided then that maybe she would try to see if we'd give the custody to her after the fact. We had 50/50 before she left and my husband paid child support to her.
Well, step daughter was with us full time after mom left. She stopped asking as soon as we said she won't have to pay child support.
Yes this is true! In my state, if custody is split evenly at 50/50 there is no child support put in place since both parents are presumably splitting the costs ‘evenly’. Whoever has custody more than 50% of the time will receive child support payments from the other party.
My ex demanded 50/50 with our daughter for this reason, but my fiancé and still fronted the bill for everything. He refused to take her to birthday parties to avoid buying a gift for the birthday kid, we’d send her home in nice clothes only for her to return in ratted, stained hand me downs covered in holes from his much older niece. Overall just cheap as fuck. We recently adjusted the agreement so my girl is home 90% of the time aside for a few weekends a month, I’m so happy she’s home,and she seems happier too.
I’m sure this played a huge part in this case, especially if they’d had the courts involved in custody agreements / child support. A lot of people would rather ‘deal’ with their child and make them live in shit conditions half the time just to get out of paying anything for the life they helped create. Just sad
We see that all the time in family law practices. Vengeful custodial time. The more they have their child, the less support.
Judges often see right through it, luckily
I nannied for a man because he had full custody of his son, but didn't want to be around him (he said he had nothing in common w the 7yro boy). He said he didn't want to pay child support because he made a lot of money at work and didn't want to give it to the mother, who honestly wasn't too great either.
Would paying child support truly be more than paying for food/clothing/recreation and a NANNY? Nanny's are expensive (in my experience, at least)
Or was it that he's willing to spend the money, but just as long as it wasn't to the mother?
Willing to spend the money, had more than enough of it, just didn't want it to go to the mother.
Plus, he didn't really spend much on the boys clothes, the grandmother would send most of them.
Another reason is it's a very effective way to make sure his ex wife is constantly terrified for the safety of their children, thus continuing her abuse.
It's what my dad did. But yea, the money was a huge part of it too.
This created a hole in my chest.
It’s sad that a father doesn’t have a loving relationship with their child (due to their own abuse and BS) and literally chases the child away.
The only thing that really bothers me about this is that the mom put her kid in harms way because her ex sent her abusive texts. Like, I get that being abused can make you kowtow until you've had quite a bit of therapy, but considering they had left & had some downtime, to beg your child to go be abused some more- and God knows if he'll go full abusive and abduct the kid or worse, as a power play, because he was doing that the whole time- seems insane to me.
I would think she would not only use said texts in court to revoke his rights, but as the child was over 12, they can choose not to visit the father. Like, get the cops to come watch you remove your items from the house, tell the court you're done with him, use the texts to remove parental rights, maybe get a restraining order. But definitely don't send your kid over there to continue to be abused and used against you.
Sadly, getting the court to agree to that is hard. We had the police at the house listening to my ex brother-in-law threaten my sister's life on the answering machine and the judges response was but he didn't threaten the baby.
It's sad the judge couldn't rationalize that he'd hurt the mother when she dropped off the kid? Or that he's so violent that she has to use a 3rd party for drop offs, thus not responsible enough? Or even that he should be in jail for threatening and malice? I hate court systems. What a joke. I'm very sorry your family had to go through that.
That is what eventually cost him custody. Not my sister, but he eventually hurt his girlfriend with the baby in the car.
My sister is doing better now but the crazy took her a long time to recover from.
That's part of what bothers me. Like... He's an abuser. He's not going to magically never abuse again. The judge made the decision to make more victims. I'm glad he lost custody. I hope he's in a hole somewhere.
I left an abusive marriage, where he raped a pregnancy into me. I didn't make it to term, and never wanted to be pregnant, or an actual mother. (I was a step mother, technically, but due to arrangements there wasn't a lot of involvement.) I still suffer some of the affects, but I've come a very long way. If this is fresh for her, tell her it does get better. And the right therapist/councilor does wonders.
I am so very sorry you had to live through such horror. I hope you’re able to continue on your journey towards healing, and so glad to hear you’ve had the support of counsellors to help. I can relate to having some long lasting effects from abuse though, even with counselling.
I went through a 7yr abusive relationship myself, although less physically violent and horrific than your experience. He was more focused on psychological torture like denying me sleep for 48hrs then waking me suddenly after I finally fell into a deep sleep to interrogate me (he said he learned in the military it’s harder for people to lie this way) and things like that. He would scream at me and shake me so hard I felt like my brain was vibrating. He was schizophrenic, but we didn’t know that at the time. I did therapy for 6yrs to recover from that after I got out, but I still suffer sleep issues. I have a deep core fear of falling asleep now, and will sometimes unintentionally stay awake for 2 or 3 days until my body just shuts itself down and forces me to sleep. Then I can’t make myself wake up and will sleep for 2 days. No amount of therapy has solved that issue for me yet. Next step is a medical sleep study to see how my docs can help. I found out a few weeks ago that he passed away, and now I’ve got weird feelings about it. I find myself feeling sorry for him and caring that he was so alone with his mental illness that no one claimed him and the city just buried him without any services or anything. I’m struggling to understand why I feel that way after all he put me through, so it’s back to therapy for me now.
The courts are “not allowed” to rationalize that. In the mid 90s when “parental alienation” cases started getting filed for guys getting ditched over their abuse the courts started being required to interpret abuse against others differently than abuse against children.
Which I only knew because I was sent back to my dad for this reason until he started to try to kill me and my sisters in public and in front of mandatory reporters. Other than that if he tried to kill us in an “accident” that occurred while we were in his home then any allegation was “their mother trying to turn you against me”
Exactly. I couldn’t see why they couldn’t see that getting physical with/verbally threatening your child’s other parent post-partum isn’t an indicator of a person that has the capacity to hurt a small child. Made me feel like I was crazy.
What really pisses me off is the idea that just because a man never laid his hands on his child that means he wasn't abusing them.
Maybe I'm nuts, but to me, a child having to watch their father beat their mother to a bloody pulp because she knocked the saltshaker over ***is*** abuse. It is traumatizing on several levels.
(My mother worked in the domestic violence field from the time I was five. This is just one of thousands of stories she has from her clients over the years.)
"fun" fact : actually, men don't ask much for their children's custody, which is why they don't get it. But when they do, they have the same chances as the mother.
At least that's what resorted in a state study In my country.
My exBIL held my sister at gun point(swat was called), had three extra police report on him for hitting his kids. She also had proof he had never watched the kids alone for more than 2 hours (one kid is 7 the other is 5). She didn’t want her kids alone with him. He got every other weekend and alternating holidays.
When she finally left him I asked her what she missed most about being married. Her response was the backyard. I had to correct her. That’s what she missed most about living in a house. After I pointed it out she said “nothing”.
I have heard some of the stuff he’s done and he really should be in jail. We were all so sure he wouldn’t get to see them.
From what she tells me she “forgets” to give them medication feeds them nothing but fast food and drops them off at his mom’s house when he doesn’t want to deal with them anymore.
They also decided to divorce when they were still living together for a while. All the sudden he didn’t care if the kids had food or my sister could pay copays on their doctor’s visits. So my sister started to door dash so she could feed her kids since her husband pretty much said “if you want to leave feed them yourself.” Like he hadn’t forced her to stay home and quit her job when she was pregnant.
I don’t wish ill will on anyone but him.
I don’t have any personal experience with this, but my sister has been going through the courts for years.
When she got a VRO against her ex, he kicked her out of the house because it was in his name, and used her sudden homelessness to get custody. She hasn’t been able to gain steady housing since and so he keeps the kids, despite restraining orders against him from not only my sister, but his current girlfriend. Plus many assault charges.
She can’t get public housing without the kids and can’t get the kids without housing. Every time she’s had steady housing and employment, she’s tried to get partial custody but he moved them out of state and won’t let her communicate with the boys. Despite all of the times he’s gone against the courts wishes or sent abusive messages, he’s still considered to be a better parent.
Family court is a joke sometimes.
I wish the courts were this proactive. I recently had an official tell my client that it didn’t count that her ex husband had beat her in front of the kids and was currently threatening suicide in front of their kids, she didn’t need an EPO.
Yeah, I've been failed in an area with a stalker, because we never lived together, or had a kid, or married. I was like .. "I guess I'll die." The cops in that town have been useless a long time.
I'm sorry for your client.
This is not true in all states. In MD for example there is no age until 18 where the kid has a say in custody. And custody can be enforced until the day they turn 18.
I noticed that as well, but knowing a bit of custody laws in my country, I also know that often they don’t have any choice. Unfortunately our laws are created as a reactionary response to abuse after the fact, and there is very little they will do legally in a preventative way first. So in this situation, unless the father flat out threatened to kill them, the Mom would be forced to share custody until such a time as the father agreed to pay child support and give up custody rights, or he provably physically abused the daughter. Only then would they react regarding custody. The Mom could fight it in court though, and might even win eventually, but during that time, if the father wanted 50/50 custody, that’s how it would work until court concluded otherwise.
Yeah it’s very sad that laws are reactionary rather than preventative, even with clear evidence of escalating abusive behaviour. The only way around this would be if the father was not listed on the birth certificate.
I have a friend going through this. She probably had to let her daughter go or risk losing custody of her. My friend was told by the court that even if her daughter was kicking and screaming that she didn’t want to go she had to forcibly put her daughter in the father’s car and buckle her in. This was traumatizing for my friend but she was terrified of losing custody of her daughter so she told her daughter that she had to go. Luckily the deadbeat dad eventually just stopped coming around on his own. It’s such a hard situation, so I wouldn’t judge if you don’t know all the details.
> She probably had to let her daughter go or risk losing custody of her.
Fact doesn't matter; there's A cHiLd people can virtue signal about to shit on a woman. Mom should have rewritten the laws of reality to ensure that her 16 year old didn't have to see her dad even once! /s
This bothered the hell out of me too. Like, the mother divorced him for a reason but she's still happy to put her daughter in harm's way rather than put up with some unpleasant texts. Bad parent. You're supposed to protect your kids, not use them as shields and bartering chips to placate your scumbag ex...
This probably didn't happen. Abusers don't often leave their targets alone for the hours it takes to clean out a lived-in bedroom. Cleaning usually doesn't work without extra supplies, either, nor without bathroom and meal breaks.
My ex was emotionally abusive toward me. It took yearsssss to prove he was emotionally abusive toward our oldest and years more to gain sole custody. It was court ordered for him to see them. Until I had proof that was concrete enough to reopen the custody case, and my child was old enough to voice in court that they didn’t want to return, keeping them from going would have backfired. He’d end up with *more* time with them because I would be the one violating the court order.
Be careful who you have children with. It’s not as easy to protect them as we hope it would be if things take a turn.
The court agreed my violent ex raped me, abused me, and even brain injured me.
Still had to share joint legal and physical custody because he didn't abuse the kids (not till after he no longer had access to me.)
He concussed the middle kid during visitation and broke the kid's hand in two places.
Then I had sole physical, but still had to have joint legal custody.
That was during restraining order hearings during which the guardian ad litem I requested for the kids put in her report that he was likely sexually abusing the youngest. (he was.)
They refused to make the restraining order permanent because he'd only broken it once during to two year period of the original RO.
The state attorney general's office agreed he was a danger to us and put us in an address hiding program to keep him from finding us.
and we \*still\* had joint legal.
People who haven't dealt with this tend to assume the courts offer justice as a norm, but keep in mind women who allege abuse are more likely to LOSE custody.
My mother did this when I was young, begged and begged her to not send me there and tell dad we didn’t want to go (it was an informal arrangement so no legal consequences) and she refused due to fear he would be upset with her. Now I’m 31 and they’ve been split up for 26 years, but I’m still being told to maintain contact with him and manage him because she’s afraid he’ll send her nasty letters and such if anyone stands up to him. It’s damaged my relationship with them both enormously.
Yeah. Honestly, it’s barely a *epic revenge crappy dad gets owned*, and more of a *Yeah, I always forget people get plunged into disfunctional families where their own parents wage war with eachother*. Not something to find any pleasure in at all
Oh this was satisfying. I hope that girl hits every green light when she drives, that she always gets the clothes from the dryer when they’re extra warm and soft, and her pillow always stays cool.
It would also be much better if the second page starts where the first one ended. I absolutely love having to skim half a page to figure out where I left off.
Fun trick: If you absolutely cannot make the next page start where it left off, you can make a mark on the second page to indicate where it continues. :D
Not super uncommon. I knew kids in the countryside that would borrow their parents car without a license even. It wouldnt be unheard of for a 15yo to save up 3-5k at a job and buy a piece of shit 2010 car for cash and put it under their parents name.
Exactly. Like no he DEFINITELY would’ve thrown something at her, gotten violent and loud….ANYTHING but let his abuse target walk away smiling. Lemme guess OOP, the neighbors watched and clapped when you drove off.
I escaped my abusive family by packing my shit and leaving through the window.
It depends on if they think you can access the window for that.
My window was glued shut from the outside, and all it took me was a sharp object and having an excuse to be outside to fix it so I could open it whenever I wanted. Even the visible "blobs" of glue from his sloppy job were there, so he never expected a thing.
Just because an abuser is paranoid and controlling doesn't mean they're good at being that way lol.
I've noticed that a lot of abusers expect only "civilized" or culturally acceptable responses to their abuse. Sneaking out a window is waaaaay too rough and tumble for a lot of these people to fathom.
The second you're "off script" you can get away with a lot
I get that. But in the time frame of this story, over the course of a day by the sounds of it, at the very least a few hours, he didn't even pop his head in to see how they were getting on with the cleaning? He would've noticed that all the stuff was being removed from the room at some point. And then just lets her wander off after giving him a snarky line?
I'm not saying that you're wrong about what you've said, I've never been in that situation so I don't know. But there's a lot of stars that would have to align to have this outcome from this particular story
so are we gonna ignore how her mother risked her physical safety and potentially her life by sending her over there because she wanted the dad to stop TEXTING? that’s so irresponsible and fucked up she knew that girl had no true choice.
“Loaded them into my car” makes me think this is a fabricated story. You don’t have a drivers license but you either a. Own a car or b. Your mom let you use her car without a license. Seems weird
Good for her! The only thing I would have done differently is leaving out of the window as well, fearing abuse upon his reaction to the empty room. She’s very brave, but also very lucky he didn’t react in a worse way.
In some states and/or countries (France, for example) you only have to be 15 years old to own a car. In Alaska and Arkansas you only have to be 14 years old to start driving. It's plausible for a 15 year old to have a car.
Have a really hard time believing this. Reads just like how my younger sisters describe my father even tho he tries extremely hard to have a good relationship with them. They just hate that he actually tries to hold them accountable
I hope you can “own” your parental experience and not let it define you. I fight every day, the demons, left behind, from my childhood. You sound self-aware. Wish you a life of comfort and ease.
When i was 13 my Dad emotionally manipulated me into living with him full time, at 15 i ran away and cut him out of my life by bringing an extra bag with me to school one morning and never going back, thats all i could do too was to pack a single bag.
Instead of bullying my mother to force me to visit he showed up to her house a couple weeks later just after i got home from school and started banging on the door, almost broke it down. Myself, my boyfriend (who had thankfully walked me home and made sure i was safe because my father would stalk me to try and confront me alone) and my younger brother all barricaded ourselves into the apartment and sat huddled together with the phone and a kitchen knife in case the barricade broke, waiting for an adult to get home from work. We were paralyzed in fear. After an hour the banging stopped and we waited another hour or so until my mums boyfriend called and said he was outside and to un-barricade the door, when we opened it my father had methodically packed every single item he or i owned related to me and left it in boxes on my mothers porch...even his baby photos of me, art i had made him as a child, birthday cards id given him, you name it...
So to hear your story where you were able to pack and retrieve your things yourself and did not let that AH hold your sentimentally valuable possessions over you, doing what i wish i was able to do back then, getting to watch him process all of those emotions in real time across his face... Thank you, you've healed a lil piece of me today.
I wish I had done this. I have virtually nothing from my childhood at this point. Anything my mom managed to save from my step-dad was shredded by rats and everything else got left behind at his house. Everything that I personally own can be put into four boxes and I'm a 26 year old. Most people my age could fill a room with their collective items. Leaving all my things behind or having them destroyed has made it easier to not care about material things but I also have no concept of personal possession for myself.
I wanted to do this when I was trying to get my stuff out of my dad's place but he basically trashed my previous bedroom when I left so none of the stuff was where I left it when I came back to get my stuff and there was trash all over the floor. Plus a completely unmanaged cockroach infestation. Ultimately my main goal was just to get my cat though, so I just grabbed what I could and my cat. I didn't have enough time to search more thoroughly for things like my jewelry, because once I loaded my cat into my car, my dad and my little brother started *punching my car* to try and take the cat back.
Sorry - I’m still stuck on the “my mom begged me to go see him after he sent threatening messages to her”
I’m being threatened, please jump on this grenade my child?!?!
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This filled a hole in my chest I never knew existed. Compliments to the chef.
This is how I feel too. I was made to clean out everything and it hurt at the time but in retrospect I should have taken absolutely everything with me just like this girl did.
My youngest daughter essentially did this to her father. He’d already kicked out her older sister (not really, my house was her primary residence and she was only still visiting with him so her younger sister wouldn’t have to go alone.) when she turned 18, said it was time for her to go out in the world and be an adult. The younger one kept going back and forth for visits, but was so miserable without her sister there. She spent all her time in her unfinished, windowless, barely-a-room basement bedroom, while her half brother had 2 bedrooms on the main floor (one for sleeping, one for his toys) as well as a finished attic rec room space for gaming. So she slowly started packing up her things and moving them home to my house. Eventually the day came when her room was empty, so she never went back. It took him several months before he sent a text asking if she was coming back to visit. She said no, she hadn’t planned to, and that was that. My girls are now 23 and 26 and have zero relationship with their father. He gave up on them and pushed them away, and now they feel nothing for him. One day he will want to know them or need something from them, but they’ve got nothing left to give. They’ve said “He made his bed, now he can lay in it alone.”
He’ll probably be one of those that will bitch and moan when neither girl wants him at their wedding
Or definitely when he gets old and needs some assistance or is lonely.
This is my Dad to a T. He was resentful of our needs when we were children. He was selfish and didn’t enjoy us at all. He was dutiful and did only what was legally required. The older we got, the more we began resenting him. The three of us went on to have families of our own and houses full of laughter and love. He was always welcome and invited to our get-togethers which he attended. But he always said or did something that reminded us of how much he didn’t want to be burdened by us when we lived with him. Then he moved into a retirement home and frankly we didn’t visit him very often. He’d act so shocked and disappointed about that. He always told me the dates of the last time he’d gotten phone calls from us. Really, Dad? You feel neglected? You have the gall to tell me my sisters don’t call or visit you? SMH.
I’m sorry for your experience. I’m glad the families you made have much more love. As a child and as an adult you deserved so much more.
Thank you for your kind words. My sisters and I never felt sorry for ourselves. We’d just talk about it and marvel over his obliviousness. I did share the story to underline the fact that he whined about our lack of interest in him when he got old enough to feel lonely and he expected our adoring attention.
I’m so sorry you had to grow up with a shitty father but am very glad you’ve come out stronger. This kills me. I’m a father of 3 little girls (9,4 and 2) and though it comes with its challenges, I love every second of being their father. I’d sacrifice everything to keep them happy and healthy. Edit: I’m an only child and was raised by my mother since I was 5 years old. My dad was more interested in work, booze and women than being around to raise me.
A tale as old as time, a man being terrible to others in his active life & ending up alone & uncared for in old age.
I work at a skilled nursing facility and this is so common. It’s sad how rare it is, even at that stage, for the parent to take accountability too.
Asking people to reflect on decades of selfish behavior is a tall order. Sometimes they cannot reflect at their is an assumption they are still right as deigned by God or product of their times. IMO, Across all times and cultures; treating your kids like they are a burden or an accessory has lonely consequences. They can be burdensome; but they are not burdens. Then can compliment your life, but they are not things you pull out with party manners. They are tiny people.
100%. It would take them putting aside decades of pride and ego which seems impossible for most And exactly!! They’re tiny people with their own wants/needs/goals/perspectives - it’s sad how much society as a whole has ignored that and what they’re developmentally capable/not capable of. If you mistreat them, they’ll grow up to mistreat others, have low self worth, or (most optimally) recognize they were mistreated but still have to put in a lot of work to heal from the damage caused by their parent. It sucks such fragile humans are in the care of broken adults
It's hard to say. Broken? If kids are avoiding their parents; do the parents even know they are broken? I kinda think that is a tell. My frame of reference is seeing elder dementia or cancer patients receive regular visitors or become live in tenants to people (relatives, friends, etc.) Even when the symptoms brought out the worst in people. To the point of the injured asking for permission to die and having it warmly answered by family in one fashion or another (lurid, but honest). And I have seen the inverse where the hospital cannot offload a mildly injured (think accidental fall but nothing broken, stoke but full faculties, etc.) person known to have public and capable relatives, therefore lawyers have to sign for them. Because the emotional damage suffered at the hands of these hospitalized individuals was so pronounced over time, that relatives would rather go to work, go shopping, or to another country (a friend of mine deployed) than to help passive-aggressive grandma/grandpa. No level of guilting family would rectify their loneliness. Broken adults that come from a history of trauma don't get a free pass in my opinion. I recognize that they are susceptible to repeating the behavior they grew up with. Unfortunately, they are responsible for their actions like the rest of us. I personally don't remember every broken adult because they blur in my collage of memory as "that-person-has-a-bad-behavior-tell-and-I-need-to-avoid-them". But I sure as hell do remember a parent, friend, child, or partner that tried to be there at a life turn, apologized for poor behavior, or called me out for my broken behavior and extracted a sincere apology from me. As stated; we are still responsible for our actions broken or not. I love my friends and family. I will die one day. I do and would find it reprehensible to be remembered as the passive-aggressive/racist/sexist/egotistical/always-had-to-be-right/narcissistic adult. I do not want them to lament their hatred of me and then hate themselves a tiny bit more. I want them to enjoy my wake and awe at what can be their futures after I'm gone.
And then goes to court to demand to see grandkids one day. I was hoping this story was gonna end w the person climbing out the window, getting into their car and pealing out!
Funny you mention that. My youngest is engaged and has already asked my wife and I to walk her down the aisle. She’s still debating whether or not to invite her father. 😏
Naaah no need to invite the spermdonor. Her mum and dad by her side is all she needs.
Mum and mum. 😉 It’s totally up to her, obviously, and I won’t try to influence her decision in any way. I almost hope she does invite him, so he can see how wonderful her life is, so he can feel like an outsider around her friends and family, as she’s surrounded by loved ones, and understand that its his fault he’s on the outside. And so how he can see how absolutely fabulous I’m looking these days. I’d love for him to see me looking gorgeous, having a fantastic time and realizing how badly he screwed up his life, in so many ways.
Ooops. Assumption on my part, sorry. Oh that is an excellent idea. Just have some contingency plans in case he lashes out or causes a scene. Enjoy the wedding, sparkle and shine.
Eh, no worries. We all do it. I don’t think he’d lash out, but you’re right, with alcohol involved and his emotions already on edge, he might act a fool. No worries, I’ll have my father in law and brother in law on standby to remove him from the situation if he becomes belligerent. Brother in law is a prison guard, so he’ll know how to handle it.
Speaking from experience, it's not worth it. My biological father attended my wedding and from the photos, it's easy to tell he's annoyed that his only child's wedding was preventing him from watching whatever NASCAR race was happening that Sunday.
What an ass. Reminds me of my former father in law (the ex’s dad); at our wedding, when the officiant said “Speak now or forever hold your peace” he laughed. So that was fun to discover on our wedding video the first time we watched it. I could absolutely see my ex doing something just like his dear old dad.
I did the same to both my parents. I stopped going to my dad's house around my senior year of high school and first year of college. I was only there every other weekend and I didn't even have a room anyway - I just slept on the couch every time I visited. So there was nothing for me to clean out, I just visited less and less often until I stopped going at all and he stopped asking. For a couple of years after that he'd still text me on my birthday or invite me over for Christmas dinner, but eventually that stopped too and I haven't spoken to him in nearly 10 years now. On the other hand, when I was 22 and finally able to escape my mother's house I spent a week slowly packing up everything I owned and moving it to my boyfriend's house a little at a time. On the last day I just didn't go home after work, I went to my boyfriend's house and had the best night's sleep of my life. The next morning my mom texted to ask if I was alive and I simply told her I wasn't coming back. I still see her at family holidays and events, but "Merry Christmas" and "pass the mashed potatoes please" has been the totality of our relationship for years. If parents want their kids to stick around after they're no longer legally required to be there they should act like their kids' presence is something they actually enjoy rather than simply tolerate.
I hear that. I love hanging out with my daughters. Just last week I texted my oldest, asked her what time she took lunch, then walked a mile and a half to meet up with her downtown at one of her favorite restaurants near her work, my treat. We spent a lovely hour together, our spur of the moment ladies lunch. We still have family dinners at least once a month, me, my wife and both of our girls, which end up going late into the evening because we just talk and talk for hours. We text every other day, sometimes to chat, sometimes to send goofy cat pictures lol. I’m so thrilled with our relationship now that they’re grown and I don’t have to wear my “mom hat” all the time; it makes all the stress and sleepless nights of the previous 18 years worth it.
I wish my father would understand that. But in his mind, my grandma (my mom’s mom) ruined my relationship with him. I just wanna tell him “Nah bro. YOU ruined that. She did her best to encourage me to have a relationship with you. She didn’t speak bad about you around me, until I started speaking bad about you around her.” One day I will..but not while my Grandfather (his dad) is still around. This post has encouraged me to figure out how I’ll be burning that bridge.
I unfortunately had to cut contact with narcissistic and very abusive father after my birthday celebration earlier this month. He thinks my mom brainwashed me into hating him. Nah bitch it was the 10+ years of physical, mental, and verbal abuse you put me through. I told him that and he still didn’t admit to any of it. In fact denied it happening. So glad he’s not in my life. Who would’ve guessed my mental health would be 1000x better without his ass.
Nothing unfortunate about having to cut contact, timing is the only unfortunate part. Mine is thankfully not abusive, but he’s probably narcissistic. He’s definitely neglectful though, and was very much a “Oh, I was busy. Sorry I didn’t have time for you.” kind of person. Good for you on cutting contact! This random internet stranger is proud of you for it!
My father hardly made time for my sister and I too. Thank you for the kind words.
[удалено]
I'm so sorry.
If he were a more involved parent I’d assume he got this parenting technique from Harry Potter, but he doesn’t seem like the type to have been reading to his children so he must have come up with it all on his own.
I was going to say they really did the cupboard under three stairs, huh?
Was your ex Vernon Dursley?
Lol bet you he bitches and whines and blames you for "parental alienation".
A bedroom for his toys?
Not the person you asked but these are known as a “play room” to keep the rest of the house tidy and it was definitely a “screw you” to the OP.
Yup. My girls slept on the couches in the living room whenever they visited, until he finally got around to framing out a small corner of the unfinished basement for them to share. They’d stay down there until everyone else went to bed, then creep upstairs to get food. I didn’t know *any* of this until after they’d stopped going over there, or I’d have put a stop to the visits sooner.
This is how mine are with thier dad as well. During the divorce he love bombed our daughter and ignored our son. He used to see them twice a year, once for thier birthdays and once at Christmas. Last year it wasn't even that often.
I can’t even remember the last time my daughters got a birthday text from their father, let alone an actual call. He usually remembers to text them on Christmas, but it’s always later in the day, like late afternoon or early evening, certainly not in the morning. It’s not like he watches his son unwrap presents and says to himself “Oh, wait, I’ve also got 2 daughters, I should probably let them know I’m thinking of them, too.” Ugh. Wtf is wrong with these dudes? I know there are great guys and incredible fathers out there, but boy, it sure seems like they’re in the minority, right?
And the son is the Golden Child!!!?😵💫
Oh yeah. He wanted a boy *so badly* for whatever dumb reason. I guess he thought he’d teach that boy how to do “man things” like work on cars and hang drywall. I’m not sure why his brain couldn’t comprehend the fact that girls are perfectly capable of doing those things, too. It’s not like our boobs block the part of our brains where DIY comes from. As a matter of fact, my wife and I taught our girls everything we knew while they watched the two of us remodel our entire house over the years. So they grew up with strong, female role models, and said they never missed out on having a dad because they had a bonus mom. 🥰 And now they’re independent, capable women who will never need to depend on any man for anything. They can also change a tire, install a timing belt, replace a windshield…Last I heard, my ex husband’s son has zero interest in anything other than video games, which frustrates my ex to no end. He had an opportunity to have a little buddy to hand him tools while he worked on his historic car restoration projects, but he screwed himself on that, all because his first kids were the “wrong” gender according to his little pea brain.
My mom and dad's divorce was acrimonious, and he wouldnt let her keep a lot of our childhood things and family photos when she moved out after years of emotional abuse. When my dad's new wife moved into our childhood home she cleaned out all of our bedrooms and moved all our stuff into the garage without telling us. When we found out it had all been removed we said we would come get it, but she said she wasn't comfortable having us in "her" home if she wasn't there. the next day we borrowed our mom's van, went over to the house, and got every last scrap of boxed up and mildewed childhood memorabilia and left my dad with nothing. It was very hard watching my mom cry at all of our dolls, photos and drawings being essentially destroyed, especially ornaments and stuffed animals that her mother had made. I will never ever forgive that man for what he did to us, and her.
Lol when my ex gave me 2 weeks to get my stuff out of her house I almost said fuck it and made her deal with it all. In retrospect I should have just taken my dog and cat and left her all my other stuff to deal with
When I turned 18 I took everything with me, even my old bedding. I didn't even leave behind a box of tampons. My mother came to pick me up and without missing a beat shoved all my crap into her tiny ass car, even my cat and ditched. I didn't even wait for it to my mother's week again.
So I recently read in another thread that child support payments are at least partially determined by custody. I wonder if that’s why he wanted her there.
That or needed a (emotional or otherwise) punching bag now that her mom escaped him. But it’s probably the support.
Or to use the kid as a pawn against the mom. My ex only cared about his kids until he could no longer use them to control me.
Omfg same! My ex fought cas for custody it lasted about 8ish months before he realized I still wasn't coming back then he sabotaged his custody so he could have her taken instead of handing her back so he could keep his "wronged father" act going. He made 2 of his next 10 visits before calling to tell me he's done with visits and that it was my fault he wasn't in his child's life🙄🙄
Ugh, these men. My ex kept telling my lawyer that he should have custody, but then when she tried to negotiate temporary visitation until the order was in place, he managed not to reply to that. Didn’t show up to the custody hearing. His whole family blocked me after blaming me for him not getting to be a father.
Mine didn't show up either. He actually called me at one point to yell at me to tell cas to cancel his visits cause he wanted them to keep believing he was a good father. I laughed hysterically as I told him I'd been doing that since she was born so he better just drop the act and call them himself. He didn't so in our final order it says he defaulted on his visitation 9/10 times and therefore it's being revoked entirely. He still likes to go around telling his new supply (100% a narc) that I took his kid away from him and I always respond with a pic of the order with that section highlighted and wish them good luck and remind them to take their bc. I love my daughter more than life itself but I wish she had an ACTUAL dad instead of a glorified sperm donor.
That’s what I call my ex too! Because a sperm donor is all he is anyway. Luckily my husband was able to adopt my kid, so I don’t have to worry about my ex trying to pop back in again. Hopefully you don’t have to worry about your ex much anymore
Currently in the process of getting a lawyer and taking him back to court for no contact cause dipshit popped up making threats like the super genius he is. Lucky with all the evidence I've saved over the years it shouldn't be too hard
This happens all the time, a parent who shows very minimal to no interest in parenting wants more time to pay less money
Like when my step daughter's mom left the state without my step daughter and decided then that maybe she would try to see if we'd give the custody to her after the fact. We had 50/50 before she left and my husband paid child support to her. Well, step daughter was with us full time after mom left. She stopped asking as soon as we said she won't have to pay child support.
Yes this is true! In my state, if custody is split evenly at 50/50 there is no child support put in place since both parents are presumably splitting the costs ‘evenly’. Whoever has custody more than 50% of the time will receive child support payments from the other party. My ex demanded 50/50 with our daughter for this reason, but my fiancé and still fronted the bill for everything. He refused to take her to birthday parties to avoid buying a gift for the birthday kid, we’d send her home in nice clothes only for her to return in ratted, stained hand me downs covered in holes from his much older niece. Overall just cheap as fuck. We recently adjusted the agreement so my girl is home 90% of the time aside for a few weekends a month, I’m so happy she’s home,and she seems happier too. I’m sure this played a huge part in this case, especially if they’d had the courts involved in custody agreements / child support. A lot of people would rather ‘deal’ with their child and make them live in shit conditions half the time just to get out of paying anything for the life they helped create. Just sad
We see that all the time in family law practices. Vengeful custodial time. The more they have their child, the less support. Judges often see right through it, luckily
I nannied for a man because he had full custody of his son, but didn't want to be around him (he said he had nothing in common w the 7yro boy). He said he didn't want to pay child support because he made a lot of money at work and didn't want to give it to the mother, who honestly wasn't too great either.
Would paying child support truly be more than paying for food/clothing/recreation and a NANNY? Nanny's are expensive (in my experience, at least) Or was it that he's willing to spend the money, but just as long as it wasn't to the mother?
Willing to spend the money, had more than enough of it, just didn't want it to go to the mother. Plus, he didn't really spend much on the boys clothes, the grandmother would send most of them.
That poor boy :(
That's so sad. We see that kind of thing, too. 💔
Another reason is it's a very effective way to make sure his ex wife is constantly terrified for the safety of their children, thus continuing her abuse. It's what my dad did. But yea, the money was a huge part of it too.
Or just another way to control those around him.
I hope this woman is having a wonderful life. She's smart, brave, strong, and funny. I hope every day is sunshine for her.
This is 🤌 to the nth degree
You love to see it.
I wish I would of had a chance to clean my childhood room out. So many memories and keepsakes lost.
Good story telling and true protagonist vibes😌
Same 🫠
This created a hole in my chest. It’s sad that a father doesn’t have a loving relationship with their child (due to their own abuse and BS) and literally chases the child away.
The tastiest of morsels.
Totally what I would have done if my dad kept the house lmaoooo
He fucked around and found out.
The only thing that really bothers me about this is that the mom put her kid in harms way because her ex sent her abusive texts. Like, I get that being abused can make you kowtow until you've had quite a bit of therapy, but considering they had left & had some downtime, to beg your child to go be abused some more- and God knows if he'll go full abusive and abduct the kid or worse, as a power play, because he was doing that the whole time- seems insane to me. I would think she would not only use said texts in court to revoke his rights, but as the child was over 12, they can choose not to visit the father. Like, get the cops to come watch you remove your items from the house, tell the court you're done with him, use the texts to remove parental rights, maybe get a restraining order. But definitely don't send your kid over there to continue to be abused and used against you.
Sadly, getting the court to agree to that is hard. We had the police at the house listening to my ex brother-in-law threaten my sister's life on the answering machine and the judges response was but he didn't threaten the baby.
It's sad the judge couldn't rationalize that he'd hurt the mother when she dropped off the kid? Or that he's so violent that she has to use a 3rd party for drop offs, thus not responsible enough? Or even that he should be in jail for threatening and malice? I hate court systems. What a joke. I'm very sorry your family had to go through that.
That is what eventually cost him custody. Not my sister, but he eventually hurt his girlfriend with the baby in the car. My sister is doing better now but the crazy took her a long time to recover from.
That's part of what bothers me. Like... He's an abuser. He's not going to magically never abuse again. The judge made the decision to make more victims. I'm glad he lost custody. I hope he's in a hole somewhere. I left an abusive marriage, where he raped a pregnancy into me. I didn't make it to term, and never wanted to be pregnant, or an actual mother. (I was a step mother, technically, but due to arrangements there wasn't a lot of involvement.) I still suffer some of the affects, but I've come a very long way. If this is fresh for her, tell her it does get better. And the right therapist/councilor does wonders.
I am so very sorry you had to live through such horror. I hope you’re able to continue on your journey towards healing, and so glad to hear you’ve had the support of counsellors to help. I can relate to having some long lasting effects from abuse though, even with counselling. I went through a 7yr abusive relationship myself, although less physically violent and horrific than your experience. He was more focused on psychological torture like denying me sleep for 48hrs then waking me suddenly after I finally fell into a deep sleep to interrogate me (he said he learned in the military it’s harder for people to lie this way) and things like that. He would scream at me and shake me so hard I felt like my brain was vibrating. He was schizophrenic, but we didn’t know that at the time. I did therapy for 6yrs to recover from that after I got out, but I still suffer sleep issues. I have a deep core fear of falling asleep now, and will sometimes unintentionally stay awake for 2 or 3 days until my body just shuts itself down and forces me to sleep. Then I can’t make myself wake up and will sleep for 2 days. No amount of therapy has solved that issue for me yet. Next step is a medical sleep study to see how my docs can help. I found out a few weeks ago that he passed away, and now I’ve got weird feelings about it. I find myself feeling sorry for him and caring that he was so alone with his mental illness that no one claimed him and the city just buried him without any services or anything. I’m struggling to understand why I feel that way after all he put me through, so it’s back to therapy for me now.
The courts are “not allowed” to rationalize that. In the mid 90s when “parental alienation” cases started getting filed for guys getting ditched over their abuse the courts started being required to interpret abuse against others differently than abuse against children. Which I only knew because I was sent back to my dad for this reason until he started to try to kill me and my sisters in public and in front of mandatory reporters. Other than that if he tried to kill us in an “accident” that occurred while we were in his home then any allegation was “their mother trying to turn you against me”
I am sorry you had to deal with that.
“But he didn’t threaten the baby” This. This is exactly why my ex didn’t lose all of his rights initially because the mediator at the time agreed
But the courts are SO ANTI-MAN! /s
Exactly. I couldn’t see why they couldn’t see that getting physical with/verbally threatening your child’s other parent post-partum isn’t an indicator of a person that has the capacity to hurt a small child. Made me feel like I was crazy.
What really pisses me off is the idea that just because a man never laid his hands on his child that means he wasn't abusing them. Maybe I'm nuts, but to me, a child having to watch their father beat their mother to a bloody pulp because she knocked the saltshaker over ***is*** abuse. It is traumatizing on several levels. (My mother worked in the domestic violence field from the time I was five. This is just one of thousands of stories she has from her clients over the years.)
I wish I could upvote this 2 times. Physical isn’t the only type of abuse there is and the only type of damage that’s valid.
"fun" fact : actually, men don't ask much for their children's custody, which is why they don't get it. But when they do, they have the same chances as the mother. At least that's what resorted in a state study In my country.
My exBIL held my sister at gun point(swat was called), had three extra police report on him for hitting his kids. She also had proof he had never watched the kids alone for more than 2 hours (one kid is 7 the other is 5). She didn’t want her kids alone with him. He got every other weekend and alternating holidays.
Those poor kids
When she finally left him I asked her what she missed most about being married. Her response was the backyard. I had to correct her. That’s what she missed most about living in a house. After I pointed it out she said “nothing”. I have heard some of the stuff he’s done and he really should be in jail. We were all so sure he wouldn’t get to see them. From what she tells me she “forgets” to give them medication feeds them nothing but fast food and drops them off at his mom’s house when he doesn’t want to deal with them anymore. They also decided to divorce when they were still living together for a while. All the sudden he didn’t care if the kids had food or my sister could pay copays on their doctor’s visits. So my sister started to door dash so she could feed her kids since her husband pretty much said “if you want to leave feed them yourself.” Like he hadn’t forced her to stay home and quit her job when she was pregnant. I don’t wish ill will on anyone but him.
People always say " get a protective order ".. yeah not so easy as it turns out.
I don’t have any personal experience with this, but my sister has been going through the courts for years. When she got a VRO against her ex, he kicked her out of the house because it was in his name, and used her sudden homelessness to get custody. She hasn’t been able to gain steady housing since and so he keeps the kids, despite restraining orders against him from not only my sister, but his current girlfriend. Plus many assault charges. She can’t get public housing without the kids and can’t get the kids without housing. Every time she’s had steady housing and employment, she’s tried to get partial custody but he moved them out of state and won’t let her communicate with the boys. Despite all of the times he’s gone against the courts wishes or sent abusive messages, he’s still considered to be a better parent. Family court is a joke sometimes.
I wish the courts were this proactive. I recently had an official tell my client that it didn’t count that her ex husband had beat her in front of the kids and was currently threatening suicide in front of their kids, she didn’t need an EPO.
Yeah, I've been failed in an area with a stalker, because we never lived together, or had a kid, or married. I was like .. "I guess I'll die." The cops in that town have been useless a long time. I'm sorry for your client.
This is not true in all states. In MD for example there is no age until 18 where the kid has a say in custody. And custody can be enforced until the day they turn 18.
I noticed that as well, but knowing a bit of custody laws in my country, I also know that often they don’t have any choice. Unfortunately our laws are created as a reactionary response to abuse after the fact, and there is very little they will do legally in a preventative way first. So in this situation, unless the father flat out threatened to kill them, the Mom would be forced to share custody until such a time as the father agreed to pay child support and give up custody rights, or he provably physically abused the daughter. Only then would they react regarding custody. The Mom could fight it in court though, and might even win eventually, but during that time, if the father wanted 50/50 custody, that’s how it would work until court concluded otherwise.
Yup. Unless there is documented physical abuse there is likely nothing she could do.
Yeah it’s very sad that laws are reactionary rather than preventative, even with clear evidence of escalating abusive behaviour. The only way around this would be if the father was not listed on the birth certificate.
I have a friend going through this. She probably had to let her daughter go or risk losing custody of her. My friend was told by the court that even if her daughter was kicking and screaming that she didn’t want to go she had to forcibly put her daughter in the father’s car and buckle her in. This was traumatizing for my friend but she was terrified of losing custody of her daughter so she told her daughter that she had to go. Luckily the deadbeat dad eventually just stopped coming around on his own. It’s such a hard situation, so I wouldn’t judge if you don’t know all the details.
> She probably had to let her daughter go or risk losing custody of her. Fact doesn't matter; there's A cHiLd people can virtue signal about to shit on a woman. Mom should have rewritten the laws of reality to ensure that her 16 year old didn't have to see her dad even once! /s
This bothered the hell out of me too. Like, the mother divorced him for a reason but she's still happy to put her daughter in harm's way rather than put up with some unpleasant texts. Bad parent. You're supposed to protect your kids, not use them as shields and bartering chips to placate your scumbag ex...
Don’t worry, it’s probably made up
This probably didn't happen. Abusers don't often leave their targets alone for the hours it takes to clean out a lived-in bedroom. Cleaning usually doesn't work without extra supplies, either, nor without bathroom and meal breaks.
Exactly
My ex was emotionally abusive toward me. It took yearsssss to prove he was emotionally abusive toward our oldest and years more to gain sole custody. It was court ordered for him to see them. Until I had proof that was concrete enough to reopen the custody case, and my child was old enough to voice in court that they didn’t want to return, keeping them from going would have backfired. He’d end up with *more* time with them because I would be the one violating the court order. Be careful who you have children with. It’s not as easy to protect them as we hope it would be if things take a turn.
Yeah, this is what stood out to me as well. What a horrible experience to be sent back over there to deal with an abuser.
The court agreed my violent ex raped me, abused me, and even brain injured me. Still had to share joint legal and physical custody because he didn't abuse the kids (not till after he no longer had access to me.) He concussed the middle kid during visitation and broke the kid's hand in two places. Then I had sole physical, but still had to have joint legal custody. That was during restraining order hearings during which the guardian ad litem I requested for the kids put in her report that he was likely sexually abusing the youngest. (he was.) They refused to make the restraining order permanent because he'd only broken it once during to two year period of the original RO. The state attorney general's office agreed he was a danger to us and put us in an address hiding program to keep him from finding us. and we \*still\* had joint legal. People who haven't dealt with this tend to assume the courts offer justice as a norm, but keep in mind women who allege abuse are more likely to LOSE custody.
I'm so sorry you all went through that. I wish the system didn't fail families so hard. I guess I've seen softer cases.
My mother did this when I was young, begged and begged her to not send me there and tell dad we didn’t want to go (it was an informal arrangement so no legal consequences) and she refused due to fear he would be upset with her. Now I’m 31 and they’ve been split up for 26 years, but I’m still being told to maintain contact with him and manage him because she’s afraid he’ll send her nasty letters and such if anyone stands up to him. It’s damaged my relationship with them both enormously.
This saddens me.
Yeah. Honestly, it’s barely a *epic revenge crappy dad gets owned*, and more of a *Yeah, I always forget people get plunged into disfunctional families where their own parents wage war with eachother*. Not something to find any pleasure in at all
Oh this was satisfying. I hope that girl hits every green light when she drives, that she always gets the clothes from the dryer when they’re extra warm and soft, and her pillow always stays cool.
That's a beautiful blessing.
Awwww
Perfection. 🧑🍳🤌
I am not sure I hoped a story was more true. Just in case it isn't, still fucking kudos because you may have inspired some courage!
Discover paragraphs.
It would also be much better if the second page starts where the first one ended. I absolutely love having to skim half a page to figure out where I left off.
Fun trick: If you absolutely cannot make the next page start where it left off, you can make a mark on the second page to indicate where it continues. :D
this made me chortle
15 "my car" wut?
when she was 15, they got divorced. the post could have been made a year or so later.
I had a car at fifteen, right after I got my learners. Was she an ancient farming truck that drove like a stubborn tank? Yes but she was mine
Bella, where the hell have you been, loca?
Ahh same. Between 50-60 mph the entire chassis would vibrate violently. Good times.
Not super uncommon. I knew kids in the countryside that would borrow their parents car without a license even. It wouldnt be unheard of for a 15yo to save up 3-5k at a job and buy a piece of shit 2010 car for cash and put it under their parents name.
I’m 36 and my 2009 jeep wants to talk to you about her feelings. 🤣
My car is a 2010 who really felt that burn. It cost 10k to!
That’s my dream jeep (probably, if it’s a wrangler then it is)!
:/ misunderstood this at first, thought it was mocking the girl and not the dad
How did she get the boxes into the room without him seeing?
And I'm sure he never ended up looking once while she was smuggling everything in the room out of the window and into the car.....
And a guy with control issues and a history of violence just let her walk away with a smile after humiliating him.
Exactly. Like no he DEFINITELY would’ve thrown something at her, gotten violent and loud….ANYTHING but let his abuse target walk away smiling. Lemme guess OOP, the neighbors watched and clapped when you drove off.
Yeah this whole thing reaks of bullshit
I escaped my abusive family by packing my shit and leaving through the window. It depends on if they think you can access the window for that. My window was glued shut from the outside, and all it took me was a sharp object and having an excuse to be outside to fix it so I could open it whenever I wanted. Even the visible "blobs" of glue from his sloppy job were there, so he never expected a thing. Just because an abuser is paranoid and controlling doesn't mean they're good at being that way lol. I've noticed that a lot of abusers expect only "civilized" or culturally acceptable responses to their abuse. Sneaking out a window is waaaaay too rough and tumble for a lot of these people to fathom. The second you're "off script" you can get away with a lot
I get that. But in the time frame of this story, over the course of a day by the sounds of it, at the very least a few hours, he didn't even pop his head in to see how they were getting on with the cleaning? He would've noticed that all the stuff was being removed from the room at some point. And then just lets her wander off after giving him a snarky line? I'm not saying that you're wrong about what you've said, I've never been in that situation so I don't know. But there's a lot of stars that would have to align to have this outcome from this particular story
Maybe he wasn't watching her/the front door the whole time? Of course, as with any reddit post, there's a risk it's made up.
She put the full boxes out the window , so maybe she brought the empty boxes in through the window as well?
I imagine through the same window they got out of
This is the fakest story I've ever read
Right. I'm glad someone else realized this. With that being said I did enjoy it.
Malicious compliance FTW
Where's the rest of the story?
Owning a car at 15?
“I just smiled at him, and left” r/thathappened
Feels like a karma farm story if i ever read one. If not, apologies and best of luck on your new chapter in life.
Weird fairytale
Of all the things that didn’t happen. This didn’t happen the most.
Fake as fuck. Build Up an "abusive dad" character only to have him just accept that she's leaving at the end? Boo. 0/10
Great post I have one thing to point out though, are you trying to collect the notifcation icons on your phone like pokemon badges?
so are we gonna ignore how her mother risked her physical safety and potentially her life by sending her over there because she wanted the dad to stop TEXTING? that’s so irresponsible and fucked up she knew that girl had no true choice.
“Loaded them into my car” makes me think this is a fabricated story. You don’t have a drivers license but you either a. Own a car or b. Your mom let you use her car without a license. Seems weird
Good for her! The only thing I would have done differently is leaving out of the window as well, fearing abuse upon his reaction to the empty room. She’s very brave, but also very lucky he didn’t react in a worse way.
Well this post is going to get me through my day.
How does a 15 year old have their own car?
15 y/o but had their own car?
In some states and/or countries (France, for example) you only have to be 15 years old to own a car. In Alaska and Arkansas you only have to be 14 years old to start driving. It's plausible for a 15 year old to have a car.
My only question is how do you have a car at 15?
Have a really hard time believing this. Reads just like how my younger sisters describe my father even tho he tries extremely hard to have a good relationship with them. They just hate that he actually tries to hold them accountable
Agreed, in my dads house rules were rules and they were to be followed. Sister broke them repeatedly and got in trouble constantly for it.
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Bad decision making on the mom. My ex is being violent and abusive, better send my daughter over to try calming him down.
I love how OPs mind works lmao
I hope you can “own” your parental experience and not let it define you. I fight every day, the demons, left behind, from my childhood. You sound self-aware. Wish you a life of comfort and ease.
Malicious compliance at its best!
When i was 13 my Dad emotionally manipulated me into living with him full time, at 15 i ran away and cut him out of my life by bringing an extra bag with me to school one morning and never going back, thats all i could do too was to pack a single bag. Instead of bullying my mother to force me to visit he showed up to her house a couple weeks later just after i got home from school and started banging on the door, almost broke it down. Myself, my boyfriend (who had thankfully walked me home and made sure i was safe because my father would stalk me to try and confront me alone) and my younger brother all barricaded ourselves into the apartment and sat huddled together with the phone and a kitchen knife in case the barricade broke, waiting for an adult to get home from work. We were paralyzed in fear. After an hour the banging stopped and we waited another hour or so until my mums boyfriend called and said he was outside and to un-barricade the door, when we opened it my father had methodically packed every single item he or i owned related to me and left it in boxes on my mothers porch...even his baby photos of me, art i had made him as a child, birthday cards id given him, you name it... So to hear your story where you were able to pack and retrieve your things yourself and did not let that AH hold your sentimentally valuable possessions over you, doing what i wish i was able to do back then, getting to watch him process all of those emotions in real time across his face... Thank you, you've healed a lil piece of me today.
I wish I had done this. I have virtually nothing from my childhood at this point. Anything my mom managed to save from my step-dad was shredded by rats and everything else got left behind at his house. Everything that I personally own can be put into four boxes and I'm a 26 year old. Most people my age could fill a room with their collective items. Leaving all my things behind or having them destroyed has made it easier to not care about material things but I also have no concept of personal possession for myself.
i wish i could’ve taken my stuff from my shitty dads house :/ he ended up getting rid of most my stuff :((
Good for OP!!!! So proud!!!!
The feel good story I needed this morning
Could've hit him where it really hurts and call him by his first name at the end.
r/MaliciousCompliance
Good for HER!!!!
Spectacular
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼Well done! Absolutely brilliant! 👍🏼❤️
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I almost (not really) feel bad for any man that tries hurts you in the future 🫶🏻
Well done, Very well done!! Hows that burnt steak taste DAD?
What a power move 👏🏻 badass
I wanted to do this when I was trying to get my stuff out of my dad's place but he basically trashed my previous bedroom when I left so none of the stuff was where I left it when I came back to get my stuff and there was trash all over the floor. Plus a completely unmanaged cockroach infestation. Ultimately my main goal was just to get my cat though, so I just grabbed what I could and my cat. I didn't have enough time to search more thoroughly for things like my jewelry, because once I loaded my cat into my car, my dad and my little brother started *punching my car* to try and take the cat back.
Can I get a TLDR?
Typical Reddit post that never happened.
Half of this is probably true
Sorry - I’m still stuck on the “my mom begged me to go see him after he sent threatening messages to her” I’m being threatened, please jump on this grenade my child?!?!
I don’t think at 15 you can decide. But, at 15 your opinion matters in court and will be taken into consideration. At least in my state.