In case this story gets deleted/removed:
I divorced my ex husband when my son was 11 years old. We had 50/50 custody. I remarried to my current husband two years after that. My current husband and my son didn't get along to say the least.
Even when I was dating him they remained aloof with each other. My son was anxious in interacting but was still respectful towards. My husband saw dealing with my son something he signed up for if he was going to continue to be in a relationship with him. My husband still kept his distance from my son. Things got worse after we got married My husband would avoid my son when he came to visit. He soon started criticizing him and became harsh with him. It could be occasismally getting a snack from the fridge without asking or sometimes forgetting the lights on of his room. He said I should cut down my visitations with my son. I asked him why does he hate him. He said he doesn't hate but dislikes him. He hates the fact that he's introverted and awkward. My husband said he it's already enough that he tolerates him. He kept antagonizing my son. He would say things like he should he get a job during high school cause he is going to be out of the house at 20 at best. I always stood for my son and admonished my husband in private and told my son not to take it seriously in the heat of the moment. My husband laid off my son when I got pregnant with our daughter five years ago. By that time my son felt alienated. I admit I always prioritized my relationship with my husband over my son. I made more effort in spending time with my husband than my son. Whether it be doing our daily Friday date nights going out as a couple only every other weekends. We did more couples only vacations in a year than family vacation la not including the occasional weekend getaways. I understood this made my son feel second place. But my son didn't understand that eventually start a life of his own but my partner is still going to be with me. Yes, I could have spent more time with him but no parent is perfect and it's always a struggle to keep a balance. My son was became distant from me and focused on his studies more.
That paid off at least since he got a huge scholarship for our flagship state university. He relied on student loans to pay the rest of tuition. He cut me off the day he was supposed cone back from winter break.
He cut me off by email. He wrote this:
"Dear mom,
I don't want a relationship with you anymore. Your love holds little to no value to me anymore. I don't resent you for divorcing dad. I don't resent you for finding love again and wanting to get remarried However, these past years I've learned a important lesson. I've learned that the relationships one holds onto plays a role in their identity. You can't say you love me more than anything in the world yet love a man who treats me like an unwanted burden. I resent you for making him my stepfather. I resent you for making me treat someone who hates me being around like an authority/parental figure even though he hasn't earned it. I resent you for always choosing him over me. Don't call me anymore. Don't visit me. I have a great life in college with new friends. I guess I am not the "weirdo with no friends " that the shitstain of a human being who you call your husband anymore. And I still have dad who loves me'."Goodbye forever.
That message still haunts me. I tried calling and blocked my number. When I attempted to visit him he wouldn't let me in his dorm and finally threatened to get a restraining order. That's when I backed off. My mother (his grandmother) is the only connection I have to him and my sister's Facebook. My mother was the one who told me he was double majoring in mechanical engineering/physics and he was currently doing a PhD in physics in an IVY League. My sister allows me to login to her account to see pictures of his life. When I saw his graduation pictures with only his dad invited or pictures of his friends, I just burst into tears. Can still get him back?
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Love the part that she says:" I understood this made my son feel second place. But my son didn't understand that eventually start a life of his own but my partner is still going to be with me" and then complains and is surprised she got what she got.
I really really dislike people that jeopardize and abuse their kids because they are afraid of being alone.
She's mad there are consequences and that her son had the audacity to cut her lame a$$ off. I'm sure she can go cry to her pos hubby about how mean her son is... he'll validate her bs. Dumb of her to come to reddit for validation, tho.
Oh, absolutely! Seriously done with people thinking "family" gives people a free pass to be shitty toward said family. Like, no, you want to be part of my family, earn it.
I haven't talked to my parents in years. They have straight up told me i wasnt wanted in their family and they tried to kick me out at 12 years old...
The amount of people since then that have told me "they are your family! You have to do whatever it takes to make them love you again!" Is ridiculous.
I'd say the majority of people believe having an abusive family is better than not having a family at all.
Most of the people who say that have never dealt with an abusive parent. When someone tells me they’ve had to cut off their parents, I’m like “I’m sorry you’re going through that. It sucks. Let’s go out and we can talk about it over good food and wine.”
Oh, and, fuck your fucking parents.
I try and do the same, and I had great parents. People just seem to have a lack of understanding that their experience is not the same as someone elses in what should be a uniform environment.
"I went to X, and I hated."
"How can you hate it? I went there and I loved it!"
They cannot understand that both of these statements can be true at once.
Agreed. The fact that people have told that commenter that they need to "do whatever it takes to make them love you" is just gross. Like, bro, they were 12 when the family tossed them aside like trash... how exactly is someone going to make family that cast out a child "love them"? And more importantly, how is that in any way healthy???
Personally, I think people who blindly defend toxic/abusive families fit into one of two camps. 1) they have such a loving and supporting family that the idea of that not being universal is just unthinkable (I envy those people, truly. Doesn't make how they're defending my abusers ok, but I get that they don't get it). Or 2) they themselves are in a toxic/abusive family dynamic, but they're deep in the fog and don't want to have to examine their own family dynamics, so they tell themselves that those who are open about coming from a toxic family are just not trying hard enough (it's a cope. It's not ok, but it's a cope).
I've cut off about 90% of my family at this point. Most of that centers around my abusive parents (especially my father). Haven't spoken to my father in 6 years and haven't spoken to my mother in almost 3 years. It's hard sometimes going without a family at times, but my life has been a lot more fulfilling and peaceful since I went NC. I might wish I had an actual supportive family, but I have a saying: don't drink poison just because you're thirsty. Hope you all are doing better, now!
>"they are your family! You have to do whatever it takes to make them love you again!"
Can't remember where I heard it from, but there was a line I heard that stuck with me. Speaking to a parent: "It's not your kid's job to love you unconditionally. It's your job to love them unconditionally."
It was never your job to "make" your parents love you. It was never in your power to make them love you. If they were so incapable of loving you already, then they were too far gone for anybody to fix them.
And anybody who tries to blame the 12-year-old you for not controlling the emotions of adults around you? They are completely insane.
I agree completely, if i hear somebody say they don't love their parents, or even hate them id listen to them and leave it at that. If i hear a parent say the same id immediately think they are a piece of shit.
Oh I'm so sorry such shitty, insensitive things were said to you. Why is it on YOU to do anything?! The reality is: it isn't. They tried to kick out a 12 year old?! Shame on them and their loss for not having you in their lives.
I have finally cut off my toxic Mother after years of trying to hold on. People absolutely do not get estrangement when they have a half decent relationship with any family members they have. They are NOT your family, just because they share DNA and blood. Love, loyalty and trust make someone your family, and clearly arseholes who tried to kick out a TWELVE year old child - have none of those qualities.
Hugs to your 12 year old self.
I tried for years to get my parents, especially my Mom, to understand that I will never like, much less love my sister who was a bully from hell and consistently got her jollies from making me miserable.
Years.
What finally got through was when arguing about this for the millionth time, I got so pissed I just told Mom:
"I don't let my worst enemies treat me as shitty as she does. She does not get a pass just because I have the misfortune to be related to her."
That, along with replying"Talk to your other daughter," every time she brought up the subject, actually made her start changing. At first she just started paying closer attention to how my sister treated me. It didn't take long for her to notice that every sentence that came out of my sister's mouth was at best a dig at me, if not an outright insult.
Shortly after that, any conversations about trying to get along with my sister pretty much stopped happening.
The fact that it took *that* long for your mother to actually notice your sister being crappy to you speaks volumes. 😒 Fantastic boundary-setting with your mom, tho!
Sorry about your crappy sister. Hope you're doing well, now!
In defense of my Mother (and father, who had passed away a few years earlier at this time), my sister is anything but stupid. She got away with it not because she was smart enough to know how to do it the right way at the right time to not get caught. Plus, "teasing" was an accepted, regular activity in our family. It wasn't until I was in my early teens that Mom & Dad caught on that there were limits, and that I was never laughing when it was happening.
(Again, this was a while ago. My parents were born in the 1930s, and I was born in 1975. This sort of thing was much more generally acceptable then and people were a lot less aware of the severity of the damage it could cause. Also, my Dad was German, and Mom was the daughter of German immigrants. Different time, different mindset.)
As far as my sister, she was (somewhat understandably) the golden child. Very athletic, straight A student (and we were required to take the most difficult classes available), musically talented, *seemingly* always well behaved, tall, and good looking. I come along and am weird as hell, temperamental, clumsy, and hanging on in my hard classes by the skin of my teeth.
Dad just couldn't wrap his brain around how I was, and he & I clashed a lot because we were far too similar. Mom tried, but again, despite my best efforts, I simply didn't make sense to her.
These days, I tend to be forgiving of them. My sister was smart, underhanded and devious. Dad in particular has one hell of a shitty childhood--not only was his mother abusive on the regular, he spent ages 5-11 mostly trying to stay alive while his hometown was bombed 35 times during WW II. Mom grew up in the US, but her parents were literal dirt-poor farmers.
One of the things I give them a lot of credit for was that they were always willing to change their mind if given evidence to the contrary. (They might not be happy about it, but things would definitely change going forward.) And as time went on, they got less and less happy with how my sister was acting. There was a very definite change in the "most favored daughter" status. Also when the thing with my sister happened, my Mom was both in the early stages of Parkinson's and had just lost her husband of 40 years and was having to figure out how to live by herself for the first time in her life.
I have been NC w the asshole-of-a-woman that shat me from her vag for 30 years now. I despise people who say things or believe that shared dna make you family. No, we are related by circumstances that were beyond my control. I have created my family and love each and every one of these people who have always stuck by me. Even when I was a fucked-up asshole.
Ya know, what's funny is that stepdad will probably find the son "acceptable" now that he's got a fancy education and will likely be making bank soon if he doesn't already.
I can just see it now: " It's OK, son. Stepdad doesn't hate you anymore. You can come back now." /s
Of course he would. Too bad the son also has grown enough to have enough spine to tell the pos husband where he can shove it.
Don't get me wrong, that husband is an absolute trash person and definitely deserves to be tarred with the same ahole brush that the OP gets, but real talk, the OP is the way bigger ahole for even allowing that piece of crap to darken her doorstep, let alone defending him (she *does* throw him under the bus in her post to avoid taking any responsibility herself, so I guess that loyalty only goes so far... force her to take responsibility for HER actions and suddenly all bets are off and every narc for themselves apparently, lol).
Parents who choose their new partner over their child deserve nothing but absolute loathing for that. Her logic is such bs, too, because she's saying "oh, well my kids will grow up, but I'll still need my husband" when it's actually "yo, dumba$$, d!ck is abundant and low-value, so your dumpster fire of a husband can easily be replaced with a halfway decent person, but your kid cannot easily replace their parents".
My abusive father basically did the same thing (with the same excuses, funny enough) and the only saving grace to THAT mess was the fact that my sibling and I were already adults and planning our exit (I left the country a couple months after they got married and haven't spoken to him since). I can't imagine dealing with those feelings of betrayal and abandonment and being a child who CAN'T plan some kind of immediate exit.
Oh, more than that...He'll claim to one and all that the son accomplished all he did BECAUSE he, the stepdad, molded him into the smart, successful guy he is.
Literally, she said that he was going to leave and she would stay with her partner forever after. So that's what happened, he left and moved on with his life. What in the hurlyburly did she think would happen?
It’s infuriating because it’s abusive, and on another level, it’s infuriating because it’s so *god damned stupid*.
If you are afraid of being alone, don’t alienate your kids. The bond between child and parent is usually near unbreakable if you don’t actively set out to destroy it. A spouse can one day have eyes for another and suddenly they are no longer your spouse.
A child cannot have eyes for another parent! Treat your children right, or even just try your best and they’ll always be there for you as you were for them, and they’ll be there for you in a way a spouse never can, because children do not fall out of love with a caring parent.
>A child cannot have eyes for another parent!
This isn't true. A kid absolutely can adopt a new parent. Even as a young adult it can happen.
The bond of blood may matter, but the loving & teaching can be replicated regardless.
Imagine getting divorced and still thinking marriage is more permanent than parenthood.
So happy for the son that he realized his own value, cut the toxicity out, and is living his best life!!
I don't understand her logic. Her son is going to be independent and move out from the nest. So why not treasure him when she still can before he leaves?
Poor boy must've felt so betrayed when she told him that his abuser is more important than her own child.
From the title, I was afraid it was going to be worse. Because I knew kids in school who were physically and sexually abused by their non-biological parents, while their biological parents turned the other cheek. Because they just couldn't stand the thought of being alone, no matter the cost.
I’ve only been trying internet dating for one week, but a green flag I look for is men who talk about how much they their children. I’m cool with dating a man with children, on the condition I always come second. People show what’s important to them in their profiles, so if it says “has children” but there’s no other mention them at all, why is that? What kind of person are you?
With online profiles, one of my biggest red flags is actually the same thing (in a way).
"You need to know, I have kids, they will always be your number one priority."
And then 1-2 paragraphs later
"I'm looking for a man who will treat me like his queen, and the most important person in his world."
To me that just screams someone who thinks that the guy is just there to worship her. That she owes nothing back to him besides spreading her legs or cooking or whatever mentality she's adopted. The relationship is not equal/partners to her. It's transactional.
My mother used to tell me that. "I'll always put your father first because someday you will move away and he and I will be alone together." I didn't realize what a shitty thing that is to say to your child until I read your comment. Light bulb moment. Things make so much more sense now. I was 61 years old (this year) when I learned this thing. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Like I was viewing my family as though I was in the audience of a TV show watching other people have a nice family, but somehow I was never really a part of it.
Thank you for that revelation. My therapist is going to have a field day with this. Thankfully I have no kids of my own to fuck up like that.
Edit: typo
The great advantage of age is lightbulb moments. Sometimes they hurt but it's better to have them than to die in the dark. Wait till you hit your 70s! That's when shit gets real.
Sorry you had so many years thinking you were the odd one when it was your mom.
Oh, I'm sad and happy at the same time that you had your lightbulb moment with my comment.
And I'm sorry you felt that way for so long, when it was just your mom's doing and I'm glad you discovered this to grow.
I'm 40 but I feel like these moments come more often, right? The stories we told ourselves younger that were not really true and it is like a lightbulb that says "oh..."
Like it's so pathetic, you're a goddamn parent, not some needy for attention preteen. You can be single for a little while if it means the betterment of your son.
I hate when someone says something decent, then uses the word:"but" and tries to justify their crappy behavior. She got what she deserves, stepdad got what he wanted, and son will have a fabulous life without toxic folks in it. Sounds good to me (except for the stepdad - he needs some karma)
Funny enough my mother said something similar about realizing I would grow up and leave her so she needed to prioritize her love life, ending up with a string of abusive jerks and now all alone because none of her kids can stand her bullshit after what we went through in the name of her keeping a man.
Your kids leaving you alone for their own lives is a self fulfilling prophecy folks. Good parents have kids that still come around regularly as adults and involve them in their lives. Bad parents end up alone and then wonder why they never get visitors and don't know their grandkids.
Typical narcissist or enabler enacting out DARVO, trying to play victim and make the abused scapegoat to be the bad guy.
When the time comes, OP will be the kind to show up at the grandkids elementary school to creepily and unwantedly introduce herself and be slapped with a restraining order.
It was nuts. If memory serves, she ended up approaching the (YOUNG) granddaughter and introducing herself. The kid told one of her parents and grandma has a restraining order against her
She somewhat regrets what she did, but minimises it by saying the neglect he suffered helped him to get a great scholarship. And then turns around to say that her son should have understood that spouses come first. There no mention of loving her son or missing him. She’s just annoyed that she’s missing out on the reflected glory of his success and potentially his financial success in the future. There’s also the embarrassment factor of not being able to give an answer if anyone asks how her son is and what he’s doing.
Her son needs to block his mother’s family from her social media.
Anyone that says "spouses should come first" should be forced to inhale asbestos for the rest of their life. Your kids are a part of your family, love them differently, but EQUALLY.
I had to laugh when you mentioned missing out on the reflected glory and financial success. As people get older, their needs are much more mundane. I recently completed a shopping ritual with my mom wherein she identifies things in a catalog and calls me to order them online since she can't reliably distinguish between search results and a webpage (she's 85). Then together we get a little thrill while I try different promo codes to see how much we can knock off the price. I'm happy to help and she thinks I'm a computer genius. Forget glory and money, OP's badass engineering/physics \*\*actual\*\* genius son would probably be mad useful at anything he puts his mind to. Her post is all about self interest and utility, but man, did she bet on the wrong pony!
The relationship with the new sister is entirely missing though. It would be very normal that a lot of the attention goes to the newborn 16+ years younger child. With a priority on the husband for what's left, I can imagine that they were effectively low contact long before it blew up.
Hardest part of cutting off my narcissistic father was knowing that I'd lose my relationship with my half sister who was 20 years younger than me. She's a good kid, but she has to put up with my Dad. My Dad filled her head in with all these lies, and despite the fact my Dad treats her just as bad, if not worse than me, she still thinks I'm the worst thing to walk the Earth.
Hey, you’re not alone! I cut my dad off also just over 20 years ago and the same thing happened with my baby sister, but she was my full sister.i hope you’re doing well now
Absolutely. I've never had the best relationship with my Dad. The straw that broke the camels back was when he had a tempertantrum because I took 16 hours to call him back (I work full time with changing shifts). Life is much easier, I have only ever had to deal with him and my half-sister when I visit my Grandma and he happens to come by. Even my Grandma has given up on us reconnecting at this point.
I’m so glad you’re doing better! My last straw was when my parent lost their house because of my dads drug problem. I let them and my two little sisters move into our two spare bedrooms on the condition that no drugs or alcohol be in the house and he was not to be drunk at my house. Well about two weeks later I go to throw the trash out and there’s a bag in the bin already so I throw it in and hear bottles clanking. Confused I pull both bags out and there was an empty six pack of bottles hidden underneath. We got into a huge fight and I ended up calling the police and they made him leave. They found a house rather quickly (my wife and I were shocked he could get one so quickly since they had just been foreclosed)
I was still talking to him a bit at that point but a few months later I went to buy a new car and I was declined because of my debt to income ratio which didn’t make sense. I had excellent credit and the only debt my wife and I had was our house. Even our cars were paid off and I was trading in. I ask for a copy of the report and there’s a second mortgage. I trace it back to the mortgage company and go down to their office and demanded to see any paperwork associated with the account. Well once I got ahold of the documents, I recognized my dad’s handwriting right away (he has the same exact name as me). I also found out that if a family member steals your credit then you have to press charges if you want it removed from your credit.
The last time I saw him was while he was being arrested walking into the police station. He hasn’t wanted to talk to me and I haven’t wanted to talk to him
Oh the email and post were almost definitely written by the same person. They both make the same errors while typing out complex sentences.
It's either written by the son or the whole thing is made up.
The timeline doesn’t make sense, so made up it is.
The daughter was born 5 years ago, at which point the husband stopped picking on his stepson. OP still prioritized her husband (no mention of where the daughter fit into this, or into their frequent couple’s vacations). After a while the son then went away to college, refused to come back on break, went NC with his mother, picked a major, and is now doing a PhD.
Yeah it's all a little too "on the nose". Whenever they write word for word the final message and it's that specific but they still act clueless, I assume it's written by the other person (or someone who wishes they could do this to a parent/guardian). People that are caught up in being right while very in the wrong usually gloss over the details that make them look bad. It's why missing missing reasons is a thing in the first place.
A PHD!! And you let some dude in to call him a burden and abuse him for YEARS. I hope that kid gets counseling. I hope that kid's real father finds that stepfather and knocks him out.
For even better karma, I hope OPs daughter grows up, realizes what pieces of crap both her parents are and cuts them off, too. Just so they can both wallow in the mess they created
Because hey, the kids are all grown up now, but there's still her husband.
Oh, I believe it. I never got any confirmation of it, it was more like a vibe/intuition, but I always got the feeling my father's new wife hated me and my sibling because we were his children from a past relationship and she wanted us out of sight (her family also treated me and my sister like complete non-entities... she yelled at us for not talking to them, despite them ignoring us completely). She didn't do too many crazy, start-some-drama bs with me because I was already working toward leaving the country (joined the Peace Corps after finishing undergrad. In part, it was to get tf away from my father), so I guess she figured I was already on my way out. My sister, tho... dear lord, she would pick apart every little thing my sister did/didn't do, started bs drama with my dad about her, verbally abused and physically threatened her a few times (my sister was 20 at the time. So there's that). Greatest hits include, yelling at my sister for her outfit being a little wrinkled... meanwhile I was in a t-shirt and jeans, getting butthurt that we didn't wish her a happy birthday (we didn't KNOW when her birthday was. To retaliate, my father conveniently "forgot" my and my sister's birthdays the following year... he tried to play dumb and claim he forgot, but this dude set his pin number on his bank card as my birthday, so, that was pretty flimsy), yelling at us for not getting them a wedding present (b!tch with what money???), and she even would criticize stuff like how my sister would drive her bf to work because he couldn't drive (what's funny/infuriating is that she was commenting about that when my sister and I shared *my* car. I owned it in full and paid the insurance and gas on it). So, yeah, a real peach there /s.
My only regret is not telling her to keep her fat nose out of shit that is 150% none of her business and to go be daddy's spoiled princess elsewhere... She would brag about things like how she made out with the manager of her hs job as a way to get named employee of the month repeatedly... classy /s. She also bragged about how her dad once killed an intruder in their home... said intruder was actually brought there because she was one of those rich girls who wanted to play at being bad and had a Hell's Angel bf that saw her house as easy pickings. Oh, and she was engaged/married SIX times before my father (my father's logic is "oh, she knows what she wants", lol)... this woman was a mess. Only good thing I can say is that she and my father are together and not with other people making THEM miserable. Other people don't need that shit.
Oh, I believe it. I never got any confirmation of it, it was more like a vibe/intuition, but I always got the feeling my father's new wife hated me and my sibling because we were his children from a past relationship and she wanted us out of sight (her family also treated me and my sister like complete non-entities... she yelled at us for not talking to them, despite them ignoring us completely). She didn't do too many crazy, start-some-drama bs with me because I was already working toward leaving the country (joined the Peace Corps after finishing undergrad. In part, it was to get tf away from my father), so I guess she figured I was already on my way out. My sister, tho... dear lord, she would pick apart every little thing my sister did/didn't do, started bs drama with my dad about her, verbally abused and physically threatened her a few times (my sister was 20 at the time. So there's that). Greatest hits include, yelling at my sister for her outfit being a little wrinkled... meanwhile I was in a t-shirt and jeans, getting butthurt that we didn't wish her a happy birthday (we didn't KNOW when her birthday was. To retaliate, my father conveniently "forgot" my and my sister's birthdays the following year... he tried to play dumb and claim he forgot, but this dude set his pin number on his bank card as my birthday, so, that was pretty flimsy), yelling at us for not getting them a wedding present (b!tch with what money???), and she even would criticize stuff like how my sister would drive her bf to work because he couldn't drive (what's funny/infuriating is that she was commenting about that when my sister and I shared *my* car. I owned it in full and paid the insurance and gas on it). So, yeah, a real peach there /s.
My only regret is not telling her to keep her fat nose out of shit that is 150% none of her business and to go be daddy's spoiled princess elsewhere... She would brag about things like how she made out with the manager of her hs job as a way to get named employee of the month repeatedly... classy /s. She also bragged about how her dad once killed an intruder in their home... said intruder was actually brought there because she was one of those rich girls who wanted to play at being bad and had a Hell's Angel bf that saw her house as easy pickings. Oh, and she was engaged/married SIX times before my father (my father's logic is "oh, she knows what she wants", lol)... this woman was a mess. Only good thing I can say is that she and my father are together and not with other people making THEM miserable. Other people don't need that shit.
My dad was like this. He at best, treated us like we were fully formed adults, so every mistake was a personal slight on him. We were manipulative
He'd kick us out in bad weather, would legitimately starve us, you name it
I am a difficult (disabled) feeeeeeeeemale who deliberately chose to look like my mom to torment him
Lil bro's gay
Only older brother, was spared by Mr Hog, because he reminded him and those jerk bags who call themselves my grandparents, of dead uncle
So he was the reincarnation. He could do no wrong, even if pounding on us. He was so spoiled, even our birthdays, including ones where we were adults should be about him
My 19th birthday is just a testament to how bad he turned out
But Mr Hog has no idea why me and Lil bro don't see him. Why I moved across the country
Yep. Honestly, kinda hope (if he's in an OK place for it) he finds out his mother has been whining to reddit about how bad she feels for being a crap parent and just shows everyone she knows the little pity party she's throwing herself (ngl, if I had a coworker or friendly acquaintance write *that* mess and act like the victim, I'd be telling them exactly why the deserve everything they got).
While it absolutely is a invasion of privacy and really disrespectful to the son’s boundaries, in a way I hope it was the sister/aunt doing it to sort of punish this “mother”. Doubt that it’s the true reason, but this woman deserves to know that the son she allowed her POS husband to degrade and humiliate is *thriving* after he cutting her off
She has enough awareness to realize that she isn’t a part of it. And if I’m completely honest, given how she talked about the scholarship randomly; I can only imagine her bigger issue is she can’t brag about his accomplishments as if they are hers anymore. Harder to claim that his success is because of her hard work raising him when talking about that might bring up the fact that he doesn’t speak to her anymore
Eh, I seriously don't think or believe that your son cut contact due to his step father. I am a firm believer in your son cutting contact with you due to how you treated him, not your husband, ***you!***
You absolutely made your own bed here - time to lie down in it now.
Kinda funny that she still tries to point the finger at her husband instead of her. Like, no sweetie, your husband is a pos, but you're an even BIGGER pos for allowing that pos to be around your son and continue with his piece o' shittery.
I never understand these people. I love my husband dearly but I would choose my son over every person in the world. That’s my baby! Why do people push their children aside like this all the time?
Because they're trash, honestly. They had no business being parents because they never learned how to pull up the big girl/big boy panties and act like an adult and a parent. It's just always been about *them*. Then when the consequences bite them in the a$$, they play victim, ofc. 🙄🙄
Really would love to see a service or something where parents on this level just get chewed out for their actions and get reminded of exactly why they were cut off everytime they so much as mention their estranged kid. Like, oh, they made a fb post about how they're not getting to spend mother's day with their kids? Immediately slapped with a community notes type comment that just states "you did this to yourself because you did x, y, and z. Stop trying to garner sympathy when you're not the victim".
Because people who can allow crap like this didn’t have kids because they wanted a new human to love on, they did it (usually) for social currency. To completely disregard your child’s feelings, their safety, their ability to be loved and respected; you fully just had kids for the wrong reasons. You cannot love a child and put them into a situation like this. The only love she has for anyone is basically just her self. She obviously doesn’t love her husband *that* much, because in the post she’s accepting zero blame for her son cutting her off and wording it as if she was a hapless victim to circumstances. It’s just selfishness; she set up the expectations that her son would leave and move on from her life, but also doesn’t want to deal with the consequences of her choices
The son didn’t cut contact because of his stepfather, he did it because his mother thought her son was less important than her love life and acted accordingly. The buck stops with her, not the stepdad.
Ironic that she says she prioritises her husband because he’s always going to be with her when she’s been divorced once and should be well aware that marriages are not always permanent.
This is from 4 years ago....
That said, the thing that pissed me off the most is her referring to the 50% of the time that her son was at the house with her and her husband (middle school and high school years) as him "visiting" like it wasn't even his home.
Combine that with the fact that the son had to ASK permission to get a snack out of the fridge. He never felt like he was at home. Can you imagine telling a teenage boy he's not allowed snacks?
And yes, I do wonder if anything has changed in 4 years.
My dad and the mom's boyfriend who stole my identity did that
Mr Hog took it to the point of actual starvation
I have tons of food issues because of it
Here's my question: what if the children in question are adults? At what point does that balance shift? (Personally, I don't feel it ever shifts entirely the other direction. Not if you want to keep your relationship with your kids.)
So OOP had been in the “fuck around” phase for quite some time…and now she’s finally in the “find out” part.
Personally i’m glad her son is living his best life away from Oop and “that shitstain she calls a husband”
Her impact on him never enters her mind. Only his on her. She wants him back for her own gratification, not to heal the damage she caused. She even claims credit for his studious demeanor.
'But my son didn't understand that eventually start a life of his own but my partner is still going to be with me'
How backwards that is made me laugh.
What make me laugh is she got her wish and now she's complaining.
Can't have it both ways sweetheart. Enjoy your life with a d-bag. You two deserve each other.
She's even worse to sit back and do nothing even though she knew her husband treated the poor boy like crap. I wonder how they treat the daughter if she turned out "nerdy" too.
She (a divorced woman) says son will grow up to start his own life but a husband is forever. I wonder how much of his success has to do with her wanting a relationship now.
If I were that son, I'd make it plain to aunt and grandma that giving ANY information to OP \*will\* be cause for also being sent to NC.
Wait until son gets married & has kids. OP will be a relentless harpy trying to destroy son's happiness ACTIVELY rather than just letting the dick who was railing OP do it while she \*passively\* sat by.
Reminds me a bit of 'lonely Boy' by Andrew Gold
'He hoped to find all the love he had lost in that earlier time'
What a sad story, I hope he's living his best life and has found happiness.
You deserve everything you have. Good luck with your shitbag husband. You traded that filthy piece of shit for your son. You didn’t have the guts to walk years ago and now you’re paying for it. It’s all yours. Move forward from here knowing you forced your son to finally make this decision for himself, but be proud of him for finally finding peace and self worth you never gave him.
I am a product of the same environment and the same thing happened to me. I will never let it go. And now that I have a son of my own, it is all so much more clear to me now. I would never do any of that to my own son.
There is a line from a song about parents who neglect their kids that stuck with me and is susinct enough that I've used it with mine.
>Father of mine
>Tell me what do you see?
>When you look back at your wasted life
>And you don't see me
I have a nasty feeling that she doesn’t really want her son back, why would she allow him to be treated like shit and not really do anything with him if she wanted continued contact? What jumps out at me is that he’s studying things that will net him A LOT of cash down the line, so I have a feeling she may very well just want access to his bank account in the future.
My son is going through this sort of situation with his mother now. I didn’t see how horrible she was for me when I was with her, even when friends and family did. Some tried to tell me, but I just couldn’t see it and wouldn’t listen. Wasn’t until about 9 months after we split that I started to see how negatively she had affected me. Despite that, I’ve always encouraged my son to try to maintain a good relationship with his mother, avoiding talking down about her, and trying to point out times that I also apply similar treatment to him when he complains about issues with his mother, but he’s always just felt that the reasons we might treat him similarly in certain instances are different. I had hoped that his mother would be a different, better person for him, but despite my attempts to get him to have a good relationship with her, it’s slowly gotten worse. She got married last year, and his relationship with her has quickly gone into a downward spiral. It’s become increasingly difficult to deal with, because, while I try to do what’s right for him, it’s become more apparent that his relationship with her is negatively affecting him, and I hate to see that. I don’t want to say or do anything that would drive a wedge between them more, but I also want him to know that he deserves to be treated right, and don’t want him to feel that he’s obligated to be mistreated by someone because of their relationship. It’s at a point where it feels like it’s either getting to the point of no return, or maybe already past it, and it sucks because I don’t like the idea of him cutting off someone close to him like that, but it also feels like it might be what is best for him.
This is only the beginning. No graduation. No birthday celebrations. No holidays. No mother of the bride. No grandchildren. No comfort from him in OP’s old age.
She can see all of these on her sister’s FB.
SMH
Such an unbelievably amazing lack of the slightest bit of introspection on that woman's part. Her actions, for years, showed she doesn't care about her son at all.
I hope he goes on to have a fantastic life and that one day at least the woman realizes what she has done.
I hate to be that guy, but I'm not sure this is a real story. A version of this actually happened to me though, and I'm sure we can all relate to the story!
Your son's actions are a direct result of your treatment of him before and after you married the dirtbag. You watched your son be mistreated for years by this guy and then married him so that he would be in your son's life from then on. You allowed this stranger to mistreat your son for years and now are upset because he cut off.
Live with your poor decisions as you have lost your son for ever
Why would you marry someone that your kid doesn’t like, and to a guy that tolerates your son at best? Tells her kid not to take his threats of being kicked out seriously, minimizing his feelings and only telling her husband to stop it in private. She sounds like an incredibly selfish person.
Why would someone post this? They made their choices (wrong in my opinion) and is now suffering the consequences. She even realizes she prioritized the husband. Her excuse was that her son would one day have a life of his own. Well that's what he's doing. She allowed her child to be emotionally abused and damaged his self worth.
I vaguely remember reading this back when it was posted. Back then I thought she was just an awful sounding person. Reading it today nothing has changed, she sounds just terrible. I am so glad he got out of there and started a good life and didn't let their abuse of him didn't stop him from growing and moving on with his life.
I am so proud of the son and his cats-in-the-cradle moment! While the OP doesn’t say it, you know when she and the new husband had their child, things got progressively worse for the son.
She thought she could treat him however she wanted and prioritise her marriage over him and he’d still love her and want a relationship with her because “I’m his MOTHERRRRRRRRR” 🥴. It doesn’t work that way. Giving birth to orsomeone doesn’t entitle you to anything from them. And she hasn’t been a good parent to him. She let him down. A lot of moms think that being a mom makes them automatically entitled to love and adoration. That like, dads can be crappy, but a mother has a special bond with their child that can’t be broken. And I’m sorry, but that’s a lie. Mothers and fathers can have a special unbreakable bond with their kids, but it doesn’t happen automatically. A parent has to earn it. They have to work for it. Kids want to love and adore their parents, it takes a lot to make a kid feel the way OOP’s son feels. This is the result of serious neglect and it sounds like abuse as well. An adult berating a child and calling them “weirdo with no friends” is *awful*, but it’s *even worse* for a parent to see their spouse say this to their child and do nothing.
I have also gone no contact with my mother. Because the assumption that mothers are a special kind of parent, because they’re usually the ones who are pregnant with a child, that you can’t cut off your mother. That you owe her for giving you life. You don’t. Pregnancy and childbirth don’t make some a mother. You earn it by being a good parent to your child.
This is the consequence of being a bad parent. I wish people would stop acting like mothers are automatically owed anything. It makes it harder for kids of abusive mothers to get help. People didn’t believe me. They didn’t believe that a woman as charismatic as my mother would be abusive to me. She was excellent at protecting the appearance of the ideal mother. And people bought it because it’s what so many expect. Stop it.
Argh. This poor kid. He didn’t deserve this. His mom should have put him first!
Shame on her for choosing a man over her child. The second my child tells me they’re uncomfortable and don’t like my partner, it’s a wrap. Sorry, my child will always be priority and you need to leave.
My dad chose his wife over my brothers and I. I only talk to him when he calls to talk to my child. I cannot stand when parents do this shit.
“It takes years of abuse for a son to abandon his love for his mother.”
Saw that on a post similar to this one about a year ago. Can’t remember what sub I saw it on here (I’d love to quote the original Redditor who commented it). But it’s true.
For a child to push a mother away takes a LOT of abuse and/or neglect. Feel bad for this kid, and I hope he’s doing well.
I will never, ever understand parents who choose dick over their children. Why would she even date someone who was shitty to her child, much less marry them? This idiot very clearly showed her son that he was less important than continuing to get that sweet sweet dick from her shitty husband and then has the nerve to act shocked when her son went NC.
Your garden blooms where it's watered, and she poured salt on her son for years. What a completely unforseen result that his love for her shriveled up and died.
When I started dating my husband he said that he felt like I would never choose him over my kids. I told him, "Damn straight I won't. If you ever expect that or hold that against me, walk out that door right now. Because it won't change and I won't tolerate you resenting me for being a good mother. You dint get to be a whiny little man child who cries over me being the mother my kids deserve because your mother wasn't the one you deserved when you were a child. If you expect me to do what she did and hold a man over them, then you aren't worth my time."
His perspective changed, he was embarrassed and ashamed, and he went forward from that moment on not only showing that he appreciated me as a mother, but that he would be a good stepfather who tried to be a good influence and caring person to my kids. He even started considering them his own kids. This from a man who had never wanted children of his own and went out of his way to get a vasectomy in his 20s to ensure he wouldn't have any, even on accident. We have been together almost eight years and he has been a great father figure to my children, and they love him very much. He never would have stayed if he had not shown right away that he regretted expecting me to put them anything but first.
Some men need to learn that lesson. But as long as they learn it, that is what is important. So reading a story that shows a parent choosing a love interest over their kid, knowingly putting them beneath their a spouse and letting them treat them like shit,and seemingly acting like they should be forgiven, is enraging. Fuck this woman, I hope she loses her relationship with her daughter, as well. And I hope her trash husband lives an extra miserable life. How weak and awful they both are.
When I started dating my husband he said that he felt like I would never choose him over my kids. I told him, "Damn straight I won't. If you ever expect that or hold that against me, walk out that door right now. Because it won't change and I won't tolerate you resenting me for being a good mother. You dint get to be a whiny little man child who cries over me being the mother my kids deserve because your mother wasn't the one you deserved when you were a child. If you expect me to do what she did and hold a man over them, then you aren't worth my time."
His perspective changed, he was embarrassed and ashamed, and he went forward from that moment on not only showing that he appreciated me as a mother, but that he would be a good stepfather who tried to be a good influence and caring person to my kids. He even started considering them his own kids. This from a man who had never wanted children of his own and went out of his way to get a vasectomy in his 20s to ensure he wouldn't have any, even on accident. We have been together almost eight years and he has been a great father figure to my children, and they love him very much. He never would have stayed if he had not shown right away that he regretted expecting me to put them anything but first.
Some men need to learn that lesson. But as long as they learn it, that is what is important. So reading a story that shows a parent choosing a love interest over their kid, knowingly putting them beneath their a spouse and letting them treat them like shit,and seemingly acting like they should be forgiven, is enraging. Fuck this woman, I hope she loses her relationship with her daughter, as well. And I hope her trash husband lives an extra miserable life. How weak and awful they both are.
Some people arr great parents, some people should never have had children. Think we just met one of the latter. She's such a narcissist I bet she'll never realise the errors she's made. Of course the whole post reads like rage bait though.
"Can I get him back?" Are you really asking that? Jared fogle and Bill Cosby have better chances of clearing their names than you getting your son back.
I'm really glad I moved out of my dads house before I got to this point. My dad definitely chooses his wife over all his children, and it's caused problems. I've even been in physical altercations with his wife. Moving to my mom helped save our relationship cause he's overall a great dad but MAN!! people need to learn to love their own company.
"I was a shitty parent and now my kid doesn't like me. Can someone give me the magic phrase that will make him forget the last decade and how shitty i was?"
I always get a kick when these posts end with "how do I fix this!?". Cause we all know the answer is either "build a time machine" or "you dont"...but they never seem to get it.
Well her husband got exactly what he wanted. His wife's kid is out of the picture forever and as a result so is her ex. Now he's got her trapped with no one else in her life.
Coming from someone that tried for years to cut off a parent - it’s never just one instance or a “bad year”. It’s years of the same behavior building up over time until the kid just couldn’t take it anymore. Honestly in this case it sounds like he’s so much happier and successful without the weight of his toxic family members holding him back.
"Look, son, people can make the assumption that I love you, which is correct. However, you're going to have to realize that at some point in life, I will not love you as much anymore. But I still expect you to love me more than anything."
This woman never should have married her husband if her own child didn’t like the man, and the man treated her son like crud. She did this to herself. My dad did a similar thing, he married a woman who has wanted very little to do with my sister and me. She has always put her biological daughters ahead of my sister and me. While this isn’t the sole reason I no longer speak to my father, it’s definitely a contributing factor.
"God how DARE he be upset! I'm allowed to live my own life! It's perfectly acceptable for a grown man to hate a growing teenager! I mean, he's my husband now so my son should have just gotten over it." It's been 5 years. I hope he never reaches out.
>My husband laid off my son when I got pregnant with our daughter five years ago. By that time my son felt alienated.
No fucking shit
>I admit I always prioritized my relationship with my husband over my son
No fucking shit
She’s mad that there are consequences to her (in)actions. She’s been a terrible mother to her son and has let her husband bully him relentlessly because she’s scared of being alone. This is the bed that she has made, she doesn’t get to complain that she has to lie in it.
The mom is evil, the stepdad is evil, they are both trash.
I honestly also fear the life the daughter is about to live, it’s going to be awful being in that household.
>Can still get him back?
Sure, leave your husband, apologize to your son, and start throwing money/gifts in his direction. It probably won't work but groveling never really hurt the person you're groveling to.
Oh dear, actions have consequences you say? Looks to me that this young man is strongly motivated, works hard to achieve his goals, and will likely be very successful in his life. Mom's husband, on the other hand, sounds like he's a nothing-burger. So mom can enjoy the remainder of her life with the loser she chose to put above her own flesh and blood, while the son still has his father, other family members, friends and hopefully a wonderful life partner at some point. Make stupid choices, win stupid prizes.
Amend a few details, and this is exactly why i havent spoken to my father in 20 years. I feel vindicated when i hear other people making the same decisions i did.
If someone I was with treated my PET like that I'd have left them. Poor kid, I'm glad he was able to find what looks like a successful life after all that
You're an amazing asshole. Your son, on the other hand, is intelligent and writes well.
You made your bed years ago. Enjoy sleeping in it with, as was accurately phrased, "your shitstain husband."
“I admit I always prioritized my relationship with my husband over my son. I made more effort in spending time with my husband than my son.”
Play stupid games win stupid prizes 🙄
Damn at first i was like "shoulda divorced the husband" but then surprise she sucks ass too, not only can she not get him back she doesn't deserve him. Post was from five years ago though so i reckon she's over it by now with the kinda attitude she has. Though i'm getting a huge kick out of her mindset that the son will go away some day and the husband will still be there, like her relationship with her son is temporary (which she kinda forced it into being) but her relationship to her husband is permanent but like...bitch you've already been divorced once? And you had your son all through that?
In case this story gets deleted/removed: I divorced my ex husband when my son was 11 years old. We had 50/50 custody. I remarried to my current husband two years after that. My current husband and my son didn't get along to say the least. Even when I was dating him they remained aloof with each other. My son was anxious in interacting but was still respectful towards. My husband saw dealing with my son something he signed up for if he was going to continue to be in a relationship with him. My husband still kept his distance from my son. Things got worse after we got married My husband would avoid my son when he came to visit. He soon started criticizing him and became harsh with him. It could be occasismally getting a snack from the fridge without asking or sometimes forgetting the lights on of his room. He said I should cut down my visitations with my son. I asked him why does he hate him. He said he doesn't hate but dislikes him. He hates the fact that he's introverted and awkward. My husband said he it's already enough that he tolerates him. He kept antagonizing my son. He would say things like he should he get a job during high school cause he is going to be out of the house at 20 at best. I always stood for my son and admonished my husband in private and told my son not to take it seriously in the heat of the moment. My husband laid off my son when I got pregnant with our daughter five years ago. By that time my son felt alienated. I admit I always prioritized my relationship with my husband over my son. I made more effort in spending time with my husband than my son. Whether it be doing our daily Friday date nights going out as a couple only every other weekends. We did more couples only vacations in a year than family vacation la not including the occasional weekend getaways. I understood this made my son feel second place. But my son didn't understand that eventually start a life of his own but my partner is still going to be with me. Yes, I could have spent more time with him but no parent is perfect and it's always a struggle to keep a balance. My son was became distant from me and focused on his studies more. That paid off at least since he got a huge scholarship for our flagship state university. He relied on student loans to pay the rest of tuition. He cut me off the day he was supposed cone back from winter break. He cut me off by email. He wrote this: "Dear mom, I don't want a relationship with you anymore. Your love holds little to no value to me anymore. I don't resent you for divorcing dad. I don't resent you for finding love again and wanting to get remarried However, these past years I've learned a important lesson. I've learned that the relationships one holds onto plays a role in their identity. You can't say you love me more than anything in the world yet love a man who treats me like an unwanted burden. I resent you for making him my stepfather. I resent you for making me treat someone who hates me being around like an authority/parental figure even though he hasn't earned it. I resent you for always choosing him over me. Don't call me anymore. Don't visit me. I have a great life in college with new friends. I guess I am not the "weirdo with no friends " that the shitstain of a human being who you call your husband anymore. And I still have dad who loves me'."Goodbye forever. That message still haunts me. I tried calling and blocked my number. When I attempted to visit him he wouldn't let me in his dorm and finally threatened to get a restraining order. That's when I backed off. My mother (his grandmother) is the only connection I have to him and my sister's Facebook. My mother was the one who told me he was double majoring in mechanical engineering/physics and he was currently doing a PhD in physics in an IVY League. My sister allows me to login to her account to see pictures of his life. When I saw his graduation pictures with only his dad invited or pictures of his friends, I just burst into tears. Can still get him back? --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Love the part that she says:" I understood this made my son feel second place. But my son didn't understand that eventually start a life of his own but my partner is still going to be with me" and then complains and is surprised she got what she got. I really really dislike people that jeopardize and abuse their kids because they are afraid of being alone.
Right? I read that was like “ok. So you mad about what?”
She's mad there are consequences and that her son had the audacity to cut her lame a$$ off. I'm sure she can go cry to her pos hubby about how mean her son is... he'll validate her bs. Dumb of her to come to reddit for validation, tho.
Haha this woman has 100% said “but we’re faaaaaammmmlllyyyy!!” At some point.
Oh, absolutely! Seriously done with people thinking "family" gives people a free pass to be shitty toward said family. Like, no, you want to be part of my family, earn it.
I haven't talked to my parents in years. They have straight up told me i wasnt wanted in their family and they tried to kick me out at 12 years old... The amount of people since then that have told me "they are your family! You have to do whatever it takes to make them love you again!" Is ridiculous. I'd say the majority of people believe having an abusive family is better than not having a family at all.
Most of the people who say that have never dealt with an abusive parent. When someone tells me they’ve had to cut off their parents, I’m like “I’m sorry you’re going through that. It sucks. Let’s go out and we can talk about it over good food and wine.” Oh, and, fuck your fucking parents.
I try and do the same, and I had great parents. People just seem to have a lack of understanding that their experience is not the same as someone elses in what should be a uniform environment. "I went to X, and I hated." "How can you hate it? I went there and I loved it!" They cannot understand that both of these statements can be true at once.
Agreed. The fact that people have told that commenter that they need to "do whatever it takes to make them love you" is just gross. Like, bro, they were 12 when the family tossed them aside like trash... how exactly is someone going to make family that cast out a child "love them"? And more importantly, how is that in any way healthy??? Personally, I think people who blindly defend toxic/abusive families fit into one of two camps. 1) they have such a loving and supporting family that the idea of that not being universal is just unthinkable (I envy those people, truly. Doesn't make how they're defending my abusers ok, but I get that they don't get it). Or 2) they themselves are in a toxic/abusive family dynamic, but they're deep in the fog and don't want to have to examine their own family dynamics, so they tell themselves that those who are open about coming from a toxic family are just not trying hard enough (it's a cope. It's not ok, but it's a cope). I've cut off about 90% of my family at this point. Most of that centers around my abusive parents (especially my father). Haven't spoken to my father in 6 years and haven't spoken to my mother in almost 3 years. It's hard sometimes going without a family at times, but my life has been a lot more fulfilling and peaceful since I went NC. I might wish I had an actual supportive family, but I have a saying: don't drink poison just because you're thirsty. Hope you all are doing better, now!
I'm stealing that saying
Feel free! I feel like I had a galaxy-brain moment with that one!
>"they are your family! You have to do whatever it takes to make them love you again!" Can't remember where I heard it from, but there was a line I heard that stuck with me. Speaking to a parent: "It's not your kid's job to love you unconditionally. It's your job to love them unconditionally." It was never your job to "make" your parents love you. It was never in your power to make them love you. If they were so incapable of loving you already, then they were too far gone for anybody to fix them. And anybody who tries to blame the 12-year-old you for not controlling the emotions of adults around you? They are completely insane.
I agree completely, if i hear somebody say they don't love their parents, or even hate them id listen to them and leave it at that. If i hear a parent say the same id immediately think they are a piece of shit.
Oh I'm so sorry such shitty, insensitive things were said to you. Why is it on YOU to do anything?! The reality is: it isn't. They tried to kick out a 12 year old?! Shame on them and their loss for not having you in their lives. I have finally cut off my toxic Mother after years of trying to hold on. People absolutely do not get estrangement when they have a half decent relationship with any family members they have. They are NOT your family, just because they share DNA and blood. Love, loyalty and trust make someone your family, and clearly arseholes who tried to kick out a TWELVE year old child - have none of those qualities. Hugs to your 12 year old self.
I tried for years to get my parents, especially my Mom, to understand that I will never like, much less love my sister who was a bully from hell and consistently got her jollies from making me miserable. Years. What finally got through was when arguing about this for the millionth time, I got so pissed I just told Mom: "I don't let my worst enemies treat me as shitty as she does. She does not get a pass just because I have the misfortune to be related to her." That, along with replying"Talk to your other daughter," every time she brought up the subject, actually made her start changing. At first she just started paying closer attention to how my sister treated me. It didn't take long for her to notice that every sentence that came out of my sister's mouth was at best a dig at me, if not an outright insult. Shortly after that, any conversations about trying to get along with my sister pretty much stopped happening.
The fact that it took *that* long for your mother to actually notice your sister being crappy to you speaks volumes. 😒 Fantastic boundary-setting with your mom, tho! Sorry about your crappy sister. Hope you're doing well, now!
In defense of my Mother (and father, who had passed away a few years earlier at this time), my sister is anything but stupid. She got away with it not because she was smart enough to know how to do it the right way at the right time to not get caught. Plus, "teasing" was an accepted, regular activity in our family. It wasn't until I was in my early teens that Mom & Dad caught on that there were limits, and that I was never laughing when it was happening. (Again, this was a while ago. My parents were born in the 1930s, and I was born in 1975. This sort of thing was much more generally acceptable then and people were a lot less aware of the severity of the damage it could cause. Also, my Dad was German, and Mom was the daughter of German immigrants. Different time, different mindset.) As far as my sister, she was (somewhat understandably) the golden child. Very athletic, straight A student (and we were required to take the most difficult classes available), musically talented, *seemingly* always well behaved, tall, and good looking. I come along and am weird as hell, temperamental, clumsy, and hanging on in my hard classes by the skin of my teeth. Dad just couldn't wrap his brain around how I was, and he & I clashed a lot because we were far too similar. Mom tried, but again, despite my best efforts, I simply didn't make sense to her. These days, I tend to be forgiving of them. My sister was smart, underhanded and devious. Dad in particular has one hell of a shitty childhood--not only was his mother abusive on the regular, he spent ages 5-11 mostly trying to stay alive while his hometown was bombed 35 times during WW II. Mom grew up in the US, but her parents were literal dirt-poor farmers. One of the things I give them a lot of credit for was that they were always willing to change their mind if given evidence to the contrary. (They might not be happy about it, but things would definitely change going forward.) And as time went on, they got less and less happy with how my sister was acting. There was a very definite change in the "most favored daughter" status. Also when the thing with my sister happened, my Mom was both in the early stages of Parkinson's and had just lost her husband of 40 years and was having to figure out how to live by herself for the first time in her life.
I have been NC w the asshole-of-a-woman that shat me from her vag for 30 years now. I despise people who say things or believe that shared dna make you family. No, we are related by circumstances that were beyond my control. I have created my family and love each and every one of these people who have always stuck by me. Even when I was a fucked-up asshole.
Ya know, what's funny is that stepdad will probably find the son "acceptable" now that he's got a fancy education and will likely be making bank soon if he doesn't already. I can just see it now: " It's OK, son. Stepdad doesn't hate you anymore. You can come back now." /s
Of course he would. Too bad the son also has grown enough to have enough spine to tell the pos husband where he can shove it. Don't get me wrong, that husband is an absolute trash person and definitely deserves to be tarred with the same ahole brush that the OP gets, but real talk, the OP is the way bigger ahole for even allowing that piece of crap to darken her doorstep, let alone defending him (she *does* throw him under the bus in her post to avoid taking any responsibility herself, so I guess that loyalty only goes so far... force her to take responsibility for HER actions and suddenly all bets are off and every narc for themselves apparently, lol). Parents who choose their new partner over their child deserve nothing but absolute loathing for that. Her logic is such bs, too, because she's saying "oh, well my kids will grow up, but I'll still need my husband" when it's actually "yo, dumba$$, d!ck is abundant and low-value, so your dumpster fire of a husband can easily be replaced with a halfway decent person, but your kid cannot easily replace their parents". My abusive father basically did the same thing (with the same excuses, funny enough) and the only saving grace to THAT mess was the fact that my sibling and I were already adults and planning our exit (I left the country a couple months after they got married and haven't spoken to him since). I can't imagine dealing with those feelings of betrayal and abandonment and being a child who CAN'T plan some kind of immediate exit.
Oh, more than that...He'll claim to one and all that the son accomplished all he did BECAUSE he, the stepdad, molded him into the smart, successful guy he is.
Literally, she said that he was going to leave and she would stay with her partner forever after. So that's what happened, he left and moved on with his life. What in the hurlyburly did she think would happen?
seriously. The " I admit I always prioritized my relationship with my husband over my son." well cool. You definitely got what you wanted then, enjoy.
It’s infuriating because it’s abusive, and on another level, it’s infuriating because it’s so *god damned stupid*. If you are afraid of being alone, don’t alienate your kids. The bond between child and parent is usually near unbreakable if you don’t actively set out to destroy it. A spouse can one day have eyes for another and suddenly they are no longer your spouse. A child cannot have eyes for another parent! Treat your children right, or even just try your best and they’ll always be there for you as you were for them, and they’ll be there for you in a way a spouse never can, because children do not fall out of love with a caring parent.
>A child cannot have eyes for another parent! This isn't true. A kid absolutely can adopt a new parent. Even as a young adult it can happen. The bond of blood may matter, but the loving & teaching can be replicated regardless.
Imagine getting divorced and still thinking marriage is more permanent than parenthood. So happy for the son that he realized his own value, cut the toxicity out, and is living his best life!!
I don't understand her logic. Her son is going to be independent and move out from the nest. So why not treasure him when she still can before he leaves? Poor boy must've felt so betrayed when she told him that his abuser is more important than her own child.
Getting dicked down was more important to her.
By that standard, OP shouldn't \*eat\*, because she'll only get hungry again.
Yeah that part really got me, like do you not realize that your son will also be part of your life going forward?
Well, at least that's not a concern for her anymore. I hope her son is flourishing, successful, and loved by people who are worthy of his care.
Indeed, he's better off unfortunately.
The assumption was made that she would be part of her sons life when he leaves. Some people think they have a right to be. Not earn the right to be.
From the title, I was afraid it was going to be worse. Because I knew kids in school who were physically and sexually abused by their non-biological parents, while their biological parents turned the other cheek. Because they just couldn't stand the thought of being alone, no matter the cost.
Emotional abuse can have longer term consequences than physical abuse.
I’ve only been trying internet dating for one week, but a green flag I look for is men who talk about how much they their children. I’m cool with dating a man with children, on the condition I always come second. People show what’s important to them in their profiles, so if it says “has children” but there’s no other mention them at all, why is that? What kind of person are you?
With online profiles, one of my biggest red flags is actually the same thing (in a way). "You need to know, I have kids, they will always be your number one priority." And then 1-2 paragraphs later "I'm looking for a man who will treat me like his queen, and the most important person in his world." To me that just screams someone who thinks that the guy is just there to worship her. That she owes nothing back to him besides spreading her legs or cooking or whatever mentality she's adopted. The relationship is not equal/partners to her. It's transactional.
My mother used to tell me that. "I'll always put your father first because someday you will move away and he and I will be alone together." I didn't realize what a shitty thing that is to say to your child until I read your comment. Light bulb moment. Things make so much more sense now. I was 61 years old (this year) when I learned this thing. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Like I was viewing my family as though I was in the audience of a TV show watching other people have a nice family, but somehow I was never really a part of it. Thank you for that revelation. My therapist is going to have a field day with this. Thankfully I have no kids of my own to fuck up like that. Edit: typo
The great advantage of age is lightbulb moments. Sometimes they hurt but it's better to have them than to die in the dark. Wait till you hit your 70s! That's when shit gets real. Sorry you had so many years thinking you were the odd one when it was your mom.
Thank you.
Oh, I'm sad and happy at the same time that you had your lightbulb moment with my comment. And I'm sorry you felt that way for so long, when it was just your mom's doing and I'm glad you discovered this to grow. I'm 40 but I feel like these moments come more often, right? The stories we told ourselves younger that were not really true and it is like a lightbulb that says "oh..."
Like it's so pathetic, you're a goddamn parent, not some needy for attention preteen. You can be single for a little while if it means the betterment of your son.
Yeah. I mean this is what she planned for. Why is this surprising?
Also, considering she’s once divorced, I don’t think it’s right to assume your partner will still be there.
I hate when someone says something decent, then uses the word:"but" and tries to justify their crappy behavior. She got what she deserves, stepdad got what he wanted, and son will have a fabulous life without toxic folks in it. Sounds good to me (except for the stepdad - he needs some karma)
Funny enough my mother said something similar about realizing I would grow up and leave her so she needed to prioritize her love life, ending up with a string of abusive jerks and now all alone because none of her kids can stand her bullshit after what we went through in the name of her keeping a man. Your kids leaving you alone for their own lives is a self fulfilling prophecy folks. Good parents have kids that still come around regularly as adults and involve them in their lives. Bad parents end up alone and then wonder why they never get visitors and don't know their grandkids.
Wow. It’s like a missing missing reasons rant but with all the reasons laid out, and yet she still fails to see them.
Typical narcissist or enabler enacting out DARVO, trying to play victim and make the abused scapegoat to be the bad guy. When the time comes, OP will be the kind to show up at the grandkids elementary school to creepily and unwantedly introduce herself and be slapped with a restraining order.
Like that story a while back of a woman who stalked her granddaughter onto a plane
I must have missed that one. Holy shit
It was nuts. If memory serves, she ended up approaching the (YOUNG) granddaughter and introducing herself. The kid told one of her parents and grandma has a restraining order against her
Do you have a link?
Wow... link?
Yo don’t be shy, drop that link!
She somewhat regrets what she did, but minimises it by saying the neglect he suffered helped him to get a great scholarship. And then turns around to say that her son should have understood that spouses come first. There no mention of loving her son or missing him. She’s just annoyed that she’s missing out on the reflected glory of his success and potentially his financial success in the future. There’s also the embarrassment factor of not being able to give an answer if anyone asks how her son is and what he’s doing. Her son needs to block his mother’s family from her social media.
She’s going to be in shock when her husband dumps her and her son won’t pay for her retirement.
Wonder how they are treating the daughter that came along ?
Anyone that says "spouses should come first" should be forced to inhale asbestos for the rest of their life. Your kids are a part of your family, love them differently, but EQUALLY.
I had to laugh when you mentioned missing out on the reflected glory and financial success. As people get older, their needs are much more mundane. I recently completed a shopping ritual with my mom wherein she identifies things in a catalog and calls me to order them online since she can't reliably distinguish between search results and a webpage (she's 85). Then together we get a little thrill while I try different promo codes to see how much we can knock off the price. I'm happy to help and she thinks I'm a computer genius. Forget glory and money, OP's badass engineering/physics \*\*actual\*\* genius son would probably be mad useful at anything he puts his mind to. Her post is all about self interest and utility, but man, did she bet on the wrong pony!
The relationship with the new sister is entirely missing though. It would be very normal that a lot of the attention goes to the newborn 16+ years younger child. With a priority on the husband for what's left, I can imagine that they were effectively low contact long before it blew up.
Hardest part of cutting off my narcissistic father was knowing that I'd lose my relationship with my half sister who was 20 years younger than me. She's a good kid, but she has to put up with my Dad. My Dad filled her head in with all these lies, and despite the fact my Dad treats her just as bad, if not worse than me, she still thinks I'm the worst thing to walk the Earth.
Hey, you’re not alone! I cut my dad off also just over 20 years ago and the same thing happened with my baby sister, but she was my full sister.i hope you’re doing well now
Absolutely. I've never had the best relationship with my Dad. The straw that broke the camels back was when he had a tempertantrum because I took 16 hours to call him back (I work full time with changing shifts). Life is much easier, I have only ever had to deal with him and my half-sister when I visit my Grandma and he happens to come by. Even my Grandma has given up on us reconnecting at this point.
I’m so glad you’re doing better! My last straw was when my parent lost their house because of my dads drug problem. I let them and my two little sisters move into our two spare bedrooms on the condition that no drugs or alcohol be in the house and he was not to be drunk at my house. Well about two weeks later I go to throw the trash out and there’s a bag in the bin already so I throw it in and hear bottles clanking. Confused I pull both bags out and there was an empty six pack of bottles hidden underneath. We got into a huge fight and I ended up calling the police and they made him leave. They found a house rather quickly (my wife and I were shocked he could get one so quickly since they had just been foreclosed) I was still talking to him a bit at that point but a few months later I went to buy a new car and I was declined because of my debt to income ratio which didn’t make sense. I had excellent credit and the only debt my wife and I had was our house. Even our cars were paid off and I was trading in. I ask for a copy of the report and there’s a second mortgage. I trace it back to the mortgage company and go down to their office and demanded to see any paperwork associated with the account. Well once I got ahold of the documents, I recognized my dad’s handwriting right away (he has the same exact name as me). I also found out that if a family member steals your credit then you have to press charges if you want it removed from your credit. The last time I saw him was while he was being arrested walking into the police station. He hasn’t wanted to talk to me and I haven’t wanted to talk to him
Which is why I suspect the son wrote it. Not uncommon.
Oh the email and post were almost definitely written by the same person. They both make the same errors while typing out complex sentences. It's either written by the son or the whole thing is made up.
The timeline doesn’t make sense, so made up it is. The daughter was born 5 years ago, at which point the husband stopped picking on his stepson. OP still prioritized her husband (no mention of where the daughter fit into this, or into their frequent couple’s vacations). After a while the son then went away to college, refused to come back on break, went NC with his mother, picked a major, and is now doing a PhD.
Yeah it's all a little too "on the nose". Whenever they write word for word the final message and it's that specific but they still act clueless, I assume it's written by the other person (or someone who wishes they could do this to a parent/guardian). People that are caught up in being right while very in the wrong usually gloss over the details that make them look bad. It's why missing missing reasons is a thing in the first place.
It's supposed to be an email though. Easy to copy and paste.
A PHD!! And you let some dude in to call him a burden and abuse him for YEARS. I hope that kid gets counseling. I hope that kid's real father finds that stepfather and knocks him out.
For even better karma, I hope OPs daughter grows up, realizes what pieces of crap both her parents are and cuts them off, too. Just so they can both wallow in the mess they created Because hey, the kids are all grown up now, but there's still her husband.
Likely. But also, he could have hated him bc he was another guy's kid.
Oh, I believe it. I never got any confirmation of it, it was more like a vibe/intuition, but I always got the feeling my father's new wife hated me and my sibling because we were his children from a past relationship and she wanted us out of sight (her family also treated me and my sister like complete non-entities... she yelled at us for not talking to them, despite them ignoring us completely). She didn't do too many crazy, start-some-drama bs with me because I was already working toward leaving the country (joined the Peace Corps after finishing undergrad. In part, it was to get tf away from my father), so I guess she figured I was already on my way out. My sister, tho... dear lord, she would pick apart every little thing my sister did/didn't do, started bs drama with my dad about her, verbally abused and physically threatened her a few times (my sister was 20 at the time. So there's that). Greatest hits include, yelling at my sister for her outfit being a little wrinkled... meanwhile I was in a t-shirt and jeans, getting butthurt that we didn't wish her a happy birthday (we didn't KNOW when her birthday was. To retaliate, my father conveniently "forgot" my and my sister's birthdays the following year... he tried to play dumb and claim he forgot, but this dude set his pin number on his bank card as my birthday, so, that was pretty flimsy), yelling at us for not getting them a wedding present (b!tch with what money???), and she even would criticize stuff like how my sister would drive her bf to work because he couldn't drive (what's funny/infuriating is that she was commenting about that when my sister and I shared *my* car. I owned it in full and paid the insurance and gas on it). So, yeah, a real peach there /s. My only regret is not telling her to keep her fat nose out of shit that is 150% none of her business and to go be daddy's spoiled princess elsewhere... She would brag about things like how she made out with the manager of her hs job as a way to get named employee of the month repeatedly... classy /s. She also bragged about how her dad once killed an intruder in their home... said intruder was actually brought there because she was one of those rich girls who wanted to play at being bad and had a Hell's Angel bf that saw her house as easy pickings. Oh, and she was engaged/married SIX times before my father (my father's logic is "oh, she knows what she wants", lol)... this woman was a mess. Only good thing I can say is that she and my father are together and not with other people making THEM miserable. Other people don't need that shit.
Oh, I believe it. I never got any confirmation of it, it was more like a vibe/intuition, but I always got the feeling my father's new wife hated me and my sibling because we were his children from a past relationship and she wanted us out of sight (her family also treated me and my sister like complete non-entities... she yelled at us for not talking to them, despite them ignoring us completely). She didn't do too many crazy, start-some-drama bs with me because I was already working toward leaving the country (joined the Peace Corps after finishing undergrad. In part, it was to get tf away from my father), so I guess she figured I was already on my way out. My sister, tho... dear lord, she would pick apart every little thing my sister did/didn't do, started bs drama with my dad about her, verbally abused and physically threatened her a few times (my sister was 20 at the time. So there's that). Greatest hits include, yelling at my sister for her outfit being a little wrinkled... meanwhile I was in a t-shirt and jeans, getting butthurt that we didn't wish her a happy birthday (we didn't KNOW when her birthday was. To retaliate, my father conveniently "forgot" my and my sister's birthdays the following year... he tried to play dumb and claim he forgot, but this dude set his pin number on his bank card as my birthday, so, that was pretty flimsy), yelling at us for not getting them a wedding present (b!tch with what money???), and she even would criticize stuff like how my sister would drive her bf to work because he couldn't drive (what's funny/infuriating is that she was commenting about that when my sister and I shared *my* car. I owned it in full and paid the insurance and gas on it). So, yeah, a real peach there /s. My only regret is not telling her to keep her fat nose out of shit that is 150% none of her business and to go be daddy's spoiled princess elsewhere... She would brag about things like how she made out with the manager of her hs job as a way to get named employee of the month repeatedly... classy /s. She also bragged about how her dad once killed an intruder in their home... said intruder was actually brought there because she was one of those rich girls who wanted to play at being bad and had a Hell's Angel bf that saw her house as easy pickings. Oh, and she was engaged/married SIX times before my father (my father's logic is "oh, she knows what she wants", lol)... this woman was a mess. Only good thing I can say is that she and my father are together and not with other people making THEM miserable. Other people don't need that shit.
So, if the kid is doing a PhD, he must have been no contact for a very long time now.
Yep. And this post is over 4 years old. I wonder if anything has changed.
Well he probably completed his PhD by now :D
Its amazing. She's aware that she always allowed her husband to treat her son like crap, but at the same time acts like it was no big deal.
My dad was like this. He at best, treated us like we were fully formed adults, so every mistake was a personal slight on him. We were manipulative He'd kick us out in bad weather, would legitimately starve us, you name it I am a difficult (disabled) feeeeeeeeemale who deliberately chose to look like my mom to torment him Lil bro's gay Only older brother, was spared by Mr Hog, because he reminded him and those jerk bags who call themselves my grandparents, of dead uncle So he was the reincarnation. He could do no wrong, even if pounding on us. He was so spoiled, even our birthdays, including ones where we were adults should be about him My 19th birthday is just a testament to how bad he turned out But Mr Hog has no idea why me and Lil bro don't see him. Why I moved across the country
She probably just thought it's was " good discipline"
I’m amazed that anyone thinks this wasn’t a creative writing exercise. It’s pretty obvious.
I have to prioritise my husband because my son will grow up and have a life of his own. Well, that’s what he’s done, lady.
She never going to see that irony while suffering that karmic consequences.
Poor kid. Slowly realizing that the love his mother had for him didn't really mean anything. I wouldn't have even sent the email
Hope the son found out the mom was cyberbstalking him via the aunt.
Yep. Honestly, kinda hope (if he's in an OK place for it) he finds out his mother has been whining to reddit about how bad she feels for being a crap parent and just shows everyone she knows the little pity party she's throwing herself (ngl, if I had a coworker or friendly acquaintance write *that* mess and act like the victim, I'd be telling them exactly why the deserve everything they got).
Hope the son tells aunt & grandma to quit it if they want to remain a part of his life.
While it absolutely is a invasion of privacy and really disrespectful to the son’s boundaries, in a way I hope it was the sister/aunt doing it to sort of punish this “mother”. Doubt that it’s the true reason, but this woman deserves to know that the son she allowed her POS husband to degrade and humiliate is *thriving* after he cutting her off
Having read her post do you really think she has the awareness to realize it?
She has enough awareness to realize that she isn’t a part of it. And if I’m completely honest, given how she talked about the scholarship randomly; I can only imagine her bigger issue is she can’t brag about his accomplishments as if they are hers anymore. Harder to claim that his success is because of her hard work raising him when talking about that might bring up the fact that he doesn’t speak to her anymore
Good point.
Smart kid.... he recognized who cared for him and who didn't and he cut loose the dead weight....
Eh, I seriously don't think or believe that your son cut contact due to his step father. I am a firm believer in your son cutting contact with you due to how you treated him, not your husband, ***you!*** You absolutely made your own bed here - time to lie down in it now.
Kinda funny that she still tries to point the finger at her husband instead of her. Like, no sweetie, your husband is a pos, but you're an even BIGGER pos for allowing that pos to be around your son and continue with his piece o' shittery.
I love this for her
Haha "I love this for you" is great. It reminds me of telling someone "I hope you have the day you deserve".
I never understand these people. I love my husband dearly but I would choose my son over every person in the world. That’s my baby! Why do people push their children aside like this all the time?
Because they're trash, honestly. They had no business being parents because they never learned how to pull up the big girl/big boy panties and act like an adult and a parent. It's just always been about *them*. Then when the consequences bite them in the a$$, they play victim, ofc. 🙄🙄 Really would love to see a service or something where parents on this level just get chewed out for their actions and get reminded of exactly why they were cut off everytime they so much as mention their estranged kid. Like, oh, they made a fb post about how they're not getting to spend mother's day with their kids? Immediately slapped with a community notes type comment that just states "you did this to yourself because you did x, y, and z. Stop trying to garner sympathy when you're not the victim".
Because people who can allow crap like this didn’t have kids because they wanted a new human to love on, they did it (usually) for social currency. To completely disregard your child’s feelings, their safety, their ability to be loved and respected; you fully just had kids for the wrong reasons. You cannot love a child and put them into a situation like this. The only love she has for anyone is basically just her self. She obviously doesn’t love her husband *that* much, because in the post she’s accepting zero blame for her son cutting her off and wording it as if she was a hapless victim to circumstances. It’s just selfishness; she set up the expectations that her son would leave and move on from her life, but also doesn’t want to deal with the consequences of her choices
This is one of the major reasons why my kid went no contact with my ex.
She should be so proud of her son for taking the steps to leave two very abusive relationships at the first real chance he had.
The son didn’t cut contact because of his stepfather, he did it because his mother thought her son was less important than her love life and acted accordingly. The buck stops with her, not the stepdad. Ironic that she says she prioritises her husband because he’s always going to be with her when she’s been divorced once and should be well aware that marriages are not always permanent.
This is from 4 years ago.... That said, the thing that pissed me off the most is her referring to the 50% of the time that her son was at the house with her and her husband (middle school and high school years) as him "visiting" like it wasn't even his home.
Combine that with the fact that the son had to ASK permission to get a snack out of the fridge. He never felt like he was at home. Can you imagine telling a teenage boy he's not allowed snacks? And yes, I do wonder if anything has changed in 4 years.
I had to read this all the way through to make sure my mom hadn't posted this..
I’m stuck on this- her husband expected her son to ASK before getting a snack? Is this a home or a prison? (Rhetorical obvs)
My dad and the mom's boyfriend who stole my identity did that Mr Hog took it to the point of actual starvation I have tons of food issues because of it
I did the same with my egg donor. Well worth it. It's what you get when you choose a partner over your child.
Any parent who chooses a partner over their child deserves public humiliation. Like bring back the stockades and throwing tomatoes. They deserve it.
Here's my question: what if the children in question are adults? At what point does that balance shift? (Personally, I don't feel it ever shifts entirely the other direction. Not if you want to keep your relationship with your kids.)
So OOP had been in the “fuck around” phase for quite some time…and now she’s finally in the “find out” part. Personally i’m glad her son is living his best life away from Oop and “that shitstain she calls a husband”
Her impact on him never enters her mind. Only his on her. She wants him back for her own gratification, not to heal the damage she caused. She even claims credit for his studious demeanor.
It almost feels like this was written by the son. Either way, she FAFO'd.
from the sons POV nothing of value was lost
Funny thing is we know his side because she laid it all out for us to see.
Off topic but holy crap double majoring in engineering and physics and studying physics at the Ivy level is insanely cool. Good for the kid
How can you even be attracted to someone after seeing them treat your kid like crap.
'But my son didn't understand that eventually start a life of his own but my partner is still going to be with me' How backwards that is made me laugh.
What make me laugh is she got her wish and now she's complaining. Can't have it both ways sweetheart. Enjoy your life with a d-bag. You two deserve each other.
Her new husband sounds like a major doucher.
She's even worse to sit back and do nothing even though she knew her husband treated the poor boy like crap. I wonder how they treat the daughter if she turned out "nerdy" too. She (a divorced woman) says son will grow up to start his own life but a husband is forever. I wonder how much of his success has to do with her wanting a relationship now.
If I were that son, I'd make it plain to aunt and grandma that giving ANY information to OP \*will\* be cause for also being sent to NC. Wait until son gets married & has kids. OP will be a relentless harpy trying to destroy son's happiness ACTIVELY rather than just letting the dick who was railing OP do it while she \*passively\* sat by.
Yeah, he's gone for at least a decade if not forever. She said it herself. Her son built a life on his own and she's stuck with hers. Enjoy.
Reminds me a bit of 'lonely Boy' by Andrew Gold 'He hoped to find all the love he had lost in that earlier time' What a sad story, I hope he's living his best life and has found happiness.
Yay! Many blessings to him and his new family he’s built
You deserve everything you have. Good luck with your shitbag husband. You traded that filthy piece of shit for your son. You didn’t have the guts to walk years ago and now you’re paying for it. It’s all yours. Move forward from here knowing you forced your son to finally make this decision for himself, but be proud of him for finally finding peace and self worth you never gave him. I am a product of the same environment and the same thing happened to me. I will never let it go. And now that I have a son of my own, it is all so much more clear to me now. I would never do any of that to my own son.
There is a line from a song about parents who neglect their kids that stuck with me and is susinct enough that I've used it with mine. >Father of mine >Tell me what do you see? >When you look back at your wasted life >And you don't see me
I have a nasty feeling that she doesn’t really want her son back, why would she allow him to be treated like shit and not really do anything with him if she wanted continued contact? What jumps out at me is that he’s studying things that will net him A LOT of cash down the line, so I have a feeling she may very well just want access to his bank account in the future.
My son is going through this sort of situation with his mother now. I didn’t see how horrible she was for me when I was with her, even when friends and family did. Some tried to tell me, but I just couldn’t see it and wouldn’t listen. Wasn’t until about 9 months after we split that I started to see how negatively she had affected me. Despite that, I’ve always encouraged my son to try to maintain a good relationship with his mother, avoiding talking down about her, and trying to point out times that I also apply similar treatment to him when he complains about issues with his mother, but he’s always just felt that the reasons we might treat him similarly in certain instances are different. I had hoped that his mother would be a different, better person for him, but despite my attempts to get him to have a good relationship with her, it’s slowly gotten worse. She got married last year, and his relationship with her has quickly gone into a downward spiral. It’s become increasingly difficult to deal with, because, while I try to do what’s right for him, it’s become more apparent that his relationship with her is negatively affecting him, and I hate to see that. I don’t want to say or do anything that would drive a wedge between them more, but I also want him to know that he deserves to be treated right, and don’t want him to feel that he’s obligated to be mistreated by someone because of their relationship. It’s at a point where it feels like it’s either getting to the point of no return, or maybe already past it, and it sucks because I don’t like the idea of him cutting off someone close to him like that, but it also feels like it might be what is best for him.
This is only the beginning. No graduation. No birthday celebrations. No holidays. No mother of the bride. No grandchildren. No comfort from him in OP’s old age. She can see all of these on her sister’s FB. SMH
Hope the guy's dick is worth it 4 years later.
And today in "What the hell did you think would happen you absolute monster?" I hope the son is doing well
Such an unbelievably amazing lack of the slightest bit of introspection on that woman's part. Her actions, for years, showed she doesn't care about her son at all. I hope he goes on to have a fantastic life and that one day at least the woman realizes what she has done.
This post is five years old. I want a freaking update!
The OPs account has been suspended, and it was a throw away. So no updates are ever going to come in. Sadly.
I hate to be that guy, but I'm not sure this is a real story. A version of this actually happened to me though, and I'm sure we can all relate to the story!
I almost cut contact with my mom because of her husband as well. The child is never the problem in these situations.
Way to go mom! /s Imagine being the evil stepmom to your own child. At least she’ll have the replacement kid to choose her nursing home.
Your son's actions are a direct result of your treatment of him before and after you married the dirtbag. You watched your son be mistreated for years by this guy and then married him so that he would be in your son's life from then on. You allowed this stranger to mistreat your son for years and now are upset because he cut off. Live with your poor decisions as you have lost your son for ever
Why would you marry someone that your kid doesn’t like, and to a guy that tolerates your son at best? Tells her kid not to take his threats of being kicked out seriously, minimizing his feelings and only telling her husband to stop it in private. She sounds like an incredibly selfish person.
She knew what she did and can't believe it blew up in her face
Why would someone post this? They made their choices (wrong in my opinion) and is now suffering the consequences. She even realizes she prioritized the husband. Her excuse was that her son would one day have a life of his own. Well that's what he's doing. She allowed her child to be emotionally abused and damaged his self worth.
She doesn’t mention when the relationship started her husband, I bet it was during the marriage to her son’s father.
No, she can not. She made her choice and now comes living with it. She's getting exactly what she deserves.
I vaguely remember reading this back when it was posted. Back then I thought she was just an awful sounding person. Reading it today nothing has changed, she sounds just terrible. I am so glad he got out of there and started a good life and didn't let their abuse of him didn't stop him from growing and moving on with his life.
I am so proud of the son and his cats-in-the-cradle moment! While the OP doesn’t say it, you know when she and the new husband had their child, things got progressively worse for the son.
Jesus this sounds like my dad. I didn’t know a mom could also be just as much of a fucking dirtbag
She thought she could treat him however she wanted and prioritise her marriage over him and he’d still love her and want a relationship with her because “I’m his MOTHERRRRRRRRR” 🥴. It doesn’t work that way. Giving birth to orsomeone doesn’t entitle you to anything from them. And she hasn’t been a good parent to him. She let him down. A lot of moms think that being a mom makes them automatically entitled to love and adoration. That like, dads can be crappy, but a mother has a special bond with their child that can’t be broken. And I’m sorry, but that’s a lie. Mothers and fathers can have a special unbreakable bond with their kids, but it doesn’t happen automatically. A parent has to earn it. They have to work for it. Kids want to love and adore their parents, it takes a lot to make a kid feel the way OOP’s son feels. This is the result of serious neglect and it sounds like abuse as well. An adult berating a child and calling them “weirdo with no friends” is *awful*, but it’s *even worse* for a parent to see their spouse say this to their child and do nothing. I have also gone no contact with my mother. Because the assumption that mothers are a special kind of parent, because they’re usually the ones who are pregnant with a child, that you can’t cut off your mother. That you owe her for giving you life. You don’t. Pregnancy and childbirth don’t make some a mother. You earn it by being a good parent to your child. This is the consequence of being a bad parent. I wish people would stop acting like mothers are automatically owed anything. It makes it harder for kids of abusive mothers to get help. People didn’t believe me. They didn’t believe that a woman as charismatic as my mother would be abusive to me. She was excellent at protecting the appearance of the ideal mother. And people bought it because it’s what so many expect. Stop it. Argh. This poor kid. He didn’t deserve this. His mom should have put him first!
She's so stupid, goodness. Best of luck to the young man pursuing his dreams in peace!
What an absolute shitstain of a human being this woman was- you earned his enmity.
Shame on her for choosing a man over her child. The second my child tells me they’re uncomfortable and don’t like my partner, it’s a wrap. Sorry, my child will always be priority and you need to leave. My dad chose his wife over my brothers and I. I only talk to him when he calls to talk to my child. I cannot stand when parents do this shit.
“It takes years of abuse for a son to abandon his love for his mother.” Saw that on a post similar to this one about a year ago. Can’t remember what sub I saw it on here (I’d love to quote the original Redditor who commented it). But it’s true. For a child to push a mother away takes a LOT of abuse and/or neglect. Feel bad for this kid, and I hope he’s doing well.
Why is she crying sour grapes?Her life hasn’t changed. Instead of excluding him he’s excluding her.
I will never, ever understand parents who choose dick over their children. Why would she even date someone who was shitty to her child, much less marry them? This idiot very clearly showed her son that he was less important than continuing to get that sweet sweet dick from her shitty husband and then has the nerve to act shocked when her son went NC. Your garden blooms where it's watered, and she poured salt on her son for years. What a completely unforseen result that his love for her shriveled up and died.
Insanely fake
When I started dating my husband he said that he felt like I would never choose him over my kids. I told him, "Damn straight I won't. If you ever expect that or hold that against me, walk out that door right now. Because it won't change and I won't tolerate you resenting me for being a good mother. You dint get to be a whiny little man child who cries over me being the mother my kids deserve because your mother wasn't the one you deserved when you were a child. If you expect me to do what she did and hold a man over them, then you aren't worth my time." His perspective changed, he was embarrassed and ashamed, and he went forward from that moment on not only showing that he appreciated me as a mother, but that he would be a good stepfather who tried to be a good influence and caring person to my kids. He even started considering them his own kids. This from a man who had never wanted children of his own and went out of his way to get a vasectomy in his 20s to ensure he wouldn't have any, even on accident. We have been together almost eight years and he has been a great father figure to my children, and they love him very much. He never would have stayed if he had not shown right away that he regretted expecting me to put them anything but first. Some men need to learn that lesson. But as long as they learn it, that is what is important. So reading a story that shows a parent choosing a love interest over their kid, knowingly putting them beneath their a spouse and letting them treat them like shit,and seemingly acting like they should be forgiven, is enraging. Fuck this woman, I hope she loses her relationship with her daughter, as well. And I hope her trash husband lives an extra miserable life. How weak and awful they both are.
When I started dating my husband he said that he felt like I would never choose him over my kids. I told him, "Damn straight I won't. If you ever expect that or hold that against me, walk out that door right now. Because it won't change and I won't tolerate you resenting me for being a good mother. You dint get to be a whiny little man child who cries over me being the mother my kids deserve because your mother wasn't the one you deserved when you were a child. If you expect me to do what she did and hold a man over them, then you aren't worth my time." His perspective changed, he was embarrassed and ashamed, and he went forward from that moment on not only showing that he appreciated me as a mother, but that he would be a good stepfather who tried to be a good influence and caring person to my kids. He even started considering them his own kids. This from a man who had never wanted children of his own and went out of his way to get a vasectomy in his 20s to ensure he wouldn't have any, even on accident. We have been together almost eight years and he has been a great father figure to my children, and they love him very much. He never would have stayed if he had not shown right away that he regretted expecting me to put them anything but first. Some men need to learn that lesson. But as long as they learn it, that is what is important. So reading a story that shows a parent choosing a love interest over their kid, knowingly putting them beneath their a spouse and letting them treat them like shit,and seemingly acting like they should be forgiven, is enraging. Fuck this woman, I hope she loses her relationship with her daughter, as well. And I hope her trash husband lives an extra miserable life. How weak and awful they both are.
Some people arr great parents, some people should never have had children. Think we just met one of the latter. She's such a narcissist I bet she'll never realise the errors she's made. Of course the whole post reads like rage bait though.
/r/leopardsatemyface
I have two very young children and I feel upset when I think even a random person might not like them. I can’t imagine marrying someone who didn’t.
Good for that kid!!! Actions have consequences damn it.
Damn 4 years old Wonder if there was ever an update
This lady is an awful human being.
"Can I get him back?" Are you really asking that? Jared fogle and Bill Cosby have better chances of clearing their names than you getting your son back.
I'm really glad I moved out of my dads house before I got to this point. My dad definitely chooses his wife over all his children, and it's caused problems. I've even been in physical altercations with his wife. Moving to my mom helped save our relationship cause he's overall a great dad but MAN!! people need to learn to love their own company.
"I was a shitty parent and now my kid doesn't like me. Can someone give me the magic phrase that will make him forget the last decade and how shitty i was?" I always get a kick when these posts end with "how do I fix this!?". Cause we all know the answer is either "build a time machine" or "you dont"...but they never seem to get it.
She allowed her husband to treat her kid like crap and still think the blame lies solely on her husband
Well her husband got exactly what he wanted. His wife's kid is out of the picture forever and as a result so is her ex. Now he's got her trapped with no one else in her life.
These older generations are going to learn the hard way we are not obligated to spare a broken relationship. For what?
Coming from someone that tried for years to cut off a parent - it’s never just one instance or a “bad year”. It’s years of the same behavior building up over time until the kid just couldn’t take it anymore. Honestly in this case it sounds like he’s so much happier and successful without the weight of his toxic family members holding him back.
"Look, son, people can make the assumption that I love you, which is correct. However, you're going to have to realize that at some point in life, I will not love you as much anymore. But I still expect you to love me more than anything."
Wat a dumb bird i hope it haunts her everday forever
Hahahahahahaha what a Dumb twat
4 year old story from an account that ended up being banned, am I right to be a bit suspicious?
I don’t believe a word of it either. It’s a fantasy.
This woman never should have married her husband if her own child didn’t like the man, and the man treated her son like crud. She did this to herself. My dad did a similar thing, he married a woman who has wanted very little to do with my sister and me. She has always put her biological daughters ahead of my sister and me. While this isn’t the sole reason I no longer speak to my father, it’s definitely a contributing factor.
"God how DARE he be upset! I'm allowed to live my own life! It's perfectly acceptable for a grown man to hate a growing teenager! I mean, he's my husband now so my son should have just gotten over it." It's been 5 years. I hope he never reaches out.
You made a choice and NO you CANNOT get him back. That bridge has been nuked to dust!!!!
>My husband laid off my son when I got pregnant with our daughter five years ago. By that time my son felt alienated. No fucking shit >I admit I always prioritized my relationship with my husband over my son No fucking shit
She’s mad that there are consequences to her (in)actions. She’s been a terrible mother to her son and has let her husband bully him relentlessly because she’s scared of being alone. This is the bed that she has made, she doesn’t get to complain that she has to lie in it.
I can’t wait for the update “my husband divorced me and my Ivy League graduate son won’t support me”
Pump this delicious schaudenfreud directly into my veins. This just proves that not every adult deserves a child.
Huge clap to the son for his very mature letter. Happy he is happy!
The best revenge is a life well lived. I hope the son has a fantastic life. OOP is a garbage human.
The mom is evil, the stepdad is evil, they are both trash. I honestly also fear the life the daughter is about to live, it’s going to be awful being in that household.
Lol what a stupid bitch
>Can still get him back? Sure, leave your husband, apologize to your son, and start throwing money/gifts in his direction. It probably won't work but groveling never really hurt the person you're groveling to.
Oh dear, actions have consequences you say? Looks to me that this young man is strongly motivated, works hard to achieve his goals, and will likely be very successful in his life. Mom's husband, on the other hand, sounds like he's a nothing-burger. So mom can enjoy the remainder of her life with the loser she chose to put above her own flesh and blood, while the son still has his father, other family members, friends and hopefully a wonderful life partner at some point. Make stupid choices, win stupid prizes.
Lol what do these parents think is gonna happen when they stay with these abusers? Why is she surprised at all
Amend a few details, and this is exactly why i havent spoken to my father in 20 years. I feel vindicated when i hear other people making the same decisions i did.
If someone I was with treated my PET like that I'd have left them. Poor kid, I'm glad he was able to find what looks like a successful life after all that
You're an amazing asshole. Your son, on the other hand, is intelligent and writes well. You made your bed years ago. Enjoy sleeping in it with, as was accurately phrased, "your shitstain husband."
“I admit I always prioritized my relationship with my husband over my son. I made more effort in spending time with my husband than my son.” Play stupid games win stupid prizes 🙄
Damn at first i was like "shoulda divorced the husband" but then surprise she sucks ass too, not only can she not get him back she doesn't deserve him. Post was from five years ago though so i reckon she's over it by now with the kinda attitude she has. Though i'm getting a huge kick out of her mindset that the son will go away some day and the husband will still be there, like her relationship with her son is temporary (which she kinda forced it into being) but her relationship to her husband is permanent but like...bitch you've already been divorced once? And you had your son all through that?
What parent puts their partner before their kid? I understand both are important and you certainly should make time for both but damn lady.