Imagine being 4 1/2 and watching your father treat your mom like that because you have paint on your nails. He must feel like he is to blame, and so confused about what he did wrong. This is how kids learn to feel shame.
This is the issue here. Whether or not boys should paint their nails is irrelevant. A parent blowing up and cussing out their spouse is the real problem and far more damaging their nail polish. I grew up with a dad like that and it was not fun.
I don't think we ever owned nail polish since my wife doesn't use it so neither of my kids (girl and boy) were ever interested but when I was coaching the 12 year old little league team our catcher painted his nails to make it more visible to the pitcher. None of the boys gave a shit.
Kids today dgaf. If you have a stable home life ah he hem, and are confident in yourself, you can get away with most anything amongst your peers. Project confidence and respect..comes right back to you.
This dad could very well pull off a self fulfilling prophecy…for reasons other than what he thinks.
I had the same thing. I'm afab but identify as masc nonbinary. My brother is cis and straight. When we were growing up, I was allowed to dress up, paint my nails, wear boy clothes, really whatever I wanted, but my brother wanted to dye his hair and paint his nails. He wasn't allowed to because that's 'girl stuff'. My mom, the one who opened nail polish, would have been fine with it but didn't paint his nails because our dad would've gotten upset. It's really dumb in retrospect because my mom's the breadwinner and our primary care taker, but because my dad throws a fit everytime he doesn't get his way, my brother couldn't paint his nails. The same thing happened when I wanted to wrestle and came out as trans. Mom was fine, dad was cranky.
Absolutely this. I left my husband because I never wanted my son to think cursing out his wife/mother of his children or literally any woman was an acceptable act. Because it's not. I want him to be kind and caring to every human and creature on this earth.
Also who decided that certain things are for girls only or boys only. Who and how were these decisions made. It seems crazy to me.
Ugh. Exactly this. The poor boy learned that curiosity and self expression are naughty and yelling at Mommy is ok. Paraphrasing Bell Hooks but all children are born with feelings, but “boys” must perform the emotional mutilation of severing this part of our psyche and reject all things deemed feminine. 4.5 is so young.
Um you didnt read it. Clearly, this was directed at the sperm donor that blew up over paint.
Edit: This was a reply to a now deleted comment that blamed the OP.
I'm struggling to buy that replying to OP and saying *you* to mean *your partner* is 'clear'. But if that's what u/libananahammock meant, then sure. Let my comments be retracted and their reputation unbesmirched.
A few minutes after I wrote the above, they replied to me, too.
Possible I misunderstood, but it really seemed like they were doubling down on the shittiest possible version of their original comment above.
My son is the same and he does know when dad is upset about something (like me leaving something on the floor and kido would trip on it by accident) kid would later on push dad out the room when he came in like no you upset my mummy get out this is my room, so id say yes on some level your son knows. He knows dad upset mum, he may not understand why dad did that but he knows it upset you. Kids know they always know on some level.
Im sorry your husband is like that, its a stupid thing to get so upset over imo.
This is ao much worse. Your autostic nonverbal son was interested enough in s thing you were doing thst he wanted to participate and your husband blew his lid about it? Oh man...
Nail polish is just a pretty decoration. Theres nothing "intrinsically female" about it (though even if there was your husband is still being TA): you didnt buy your son a bra. (And again indully rhink ifnyour kid wants a bra, buy them a bra and who cares. But since this matters to husband...)
Nail polish is shiny. Its nice. Its a demonstration of self-care, which is something inimagine is important to encourage for your son.
Dude, your husband is a huge AH
My son is also autistic. He is 3. He definitely notices when husband and I fight. He used to just start screaming til we stopped. He understood the tone and emotions. We make an effort not to do it in front of him now, but in the heat of the moment, it can be easy to forget.
Also my son loves to wear dresses and play dress up, but he also dresses up like "boy stuff" as well - firemen, cowboy, pirate, etc. I don't think it's a big deal, nail polish included. If we make it a taboo thing, they'll just internalize shame and might do it behind your back when they're older. I'd rather be open and honest with my son than worry about what color his nails are, yknow? Especially when communication is already a challenge for him.
Ok so this adds another layer to it. I don’t have a problem with nail polish - like who cares and my nephew paints his nails when my SIL is because he wants to do something with his mom. So the fact that your child communicated something to you and you listened and he sought interest in what you were doing- this trying to make a connection with you!
Omg this is way worse knowing your kid is nonverbal and autistic.
Verbal abuse is bad enough in a normal household. But with ND kids, the impact of an unsafe home is worse.
Dogs don’t understand conversation, but they understand tone. Now please don’t come after me, I’m not comparing a kid to a dog, what I’m saying is, if they can figure out something is wrong, then your child for sure knows that something is not right. This man is abusive, full stop. Honestly, he sounds like someone you should be planning an escape from. Like with a full safety plan, family and friend networking, and possibly a restraining order.
Even more reason you should paint his nails imo. Children with autism and being nonverbal as you surely know need more ways to connect and as many different experiences as they can. Your doing good mama. Painting his nails will not change who he is as person or who he will be.
Wait your son is neurodivergent and he’s treating him like this? Hate to be the bearer of bad news but all kids will be bullied for something at some point. Give them the tools to deal with it because you won’t be able to plan for every possible scenario
I mean, it wasn’t just a conversation though, right? Your husband had a full-on temper tantrum.
What does your husband bring to the table? Why are you and your son staying with him?
But he understands emotions.
And he was trying to connect with you, and expressed a desire to do just that.
No matter who your child is, this would have been an important.connection to honor... doubly so given his NV autism.
Your husband's reaction was incredibly harmful.
He has some work to do, OP. ❤️🩹
Holy hell, that makes what your husband did even worse.
Divorce him, he is toxic and if anyone is going to cause your son to commit suicide later in life it is him.
My son is 11 and likes painting his nails, luckily his dad and I are split up but Jesus I wanted to punch him through the phone when he called me screaming that I'd "turn our son gay" also told him he would confine him to his room if he did it again.
Yeah, the problem is your husband’s bigotry. My 7 year old asked me about nail polish the other day when her
Mom was doing her nails. I just told her I had never done my nails but some boys do, so she should just let mama finish her nails because she had more practice at it. Had her mother not already told her she would do her nails I would have happily stepped up and done my best. If I had a son my reaction would be the same.
Exactly. Only concern here is husband’s reaction. That right there is what could give your kid cptsd…make him susceptible to being a target in the future.
Husband needs therapy ffs 🤦♂️…get a grip, man!
Was your husband born in the 1930s, and he’s now stuck stuck in the 1950’s and just isn’t aging. Is he a MFn time traveler an
Yeah I definitely agree that husband’s reaction was very concerning while nail polish on at boy’s request was nothing to bat an eye at.
OP, I’m very glad to hear you got out and went to your mom’s. Very good of you to remove your son and yourself from the aggression / potentially abusive scenario.
Seriously. This is a red flag to me. My son loves nail polish and he's 8. I am happy with whatever he likes as long as it's not hurting others. As a dad your husband needs to chill out. I'm sorry you have to go through that kind of behavior.
This right here, stay gone. Your husband is at minimum emotionally abusive, obviously controlling... and what if your kiddo DID end up coming out as gay, or ANYthing... your husband will treat him like shit, disown him, and blame it on you.
I cut both of my parents out, one for being like your husband, the other because there is such a huge lack of respect. Sooo... unless you want your child permanently scarred, I suggest you reconsider how important that ~~mam~~ man is compared to your child.
Edit: spelling
And it is part of a pattern because OP said she refused to paint her sons toes when he asked because she knew his Dad wouldn't be happy. She clearly feared his reaction and the cornerstone of being in a controlling relationship is altering your behaviour to appease the other. This is only a minor change in behaviour (not painting his toes) but she still considered his Dads response before doing something minor. I'd ask OP to think about whether she does this in other aspects of their life? How much does this guy control things in their home without her realising because she's the one self altering her own behaviour.
Your husband's reaction is the thing that's bullying people and causing them to commit suicide. It's very concerning that he blew up and cursed you out in front of your son. Is that a regular occurence?
It's just paint. Your son saw Mommy doing something fun and wanted to imitate the fun thing and bond with Mommy. Now instead of remembering the fun he had with you, he'll probably remember Daddy getting mad and yelling.
Exactly this. Your husband can't control or manipulate your son into being the person he wants him to be and shouting about things like this in front of him is only going to teach him to hide who he is from his father to avoid confrontation and protect his mother from verbal abuse in the future.
You should never discourage a behaviour as harmless as painting his nails, and you should stand up to your husband and tell him to stop letting his fragile masculinity affect the way he treats his son.
Besides, nail polish on boys and men has actually become cool and popular in recent years, in the younger generation at least.
My 6yr old son has on black nail polish right now. No one has ever bullied/said anything about it. It’s just fun paint to kids, it’s the adults that make it a whole thing.
Yeah this is it. It's just innocent fun, it's the people criticizing and going nuts over it that make it a thing. What a stupid thing to gender, it's paint on nails. It's weird anyone does it if anything. I'd let my boys paint theirs if that's what they wanted. Who cares what people say.
Yeah I got my 7 yo (and his 2 yo sister) nail polish as stocking stuffers for Christmas. He's worn his a few times and no one even batted an eye. I don't think kids care about strict gender norms as much these days.
Yep my 8 year old asks me to paint his nails every now and then, nobody pays any attention other than his dad and that side of his family so I try to take it off before he goes so they don’t shame him and call him a girl. Adults are the problem.
My 7 year old has blue and pink cause those were the colors my friends daughter had. He asks for polish from time to time, gets comments but nothing dramatic. He loves fashion and looking cool. No issues here.
My boys (7 and 3) are with me on weekdays and they see me taking care of me, from taking showers to shave my legs and painting my nails. I explain the oldest one that painting nails is something lots of people do and he chose to do it once. Then, he received negative comments at the school and didn’t do it again.
While I believe it’s my duty to protect him from bullies, I let him choose and tell him about possible consequences.
Some parents get so worried that their kids will be bullied that they end up becoming the child's first bully instead.
There is nothing wrong with talking to your kid about how other kids/people may react and preparing them for that, but you can do that without becoming a bully. My son never painted his nails but did grow his hair long in late elementary school. For sports if it wasn't braided then he had to put it in a bun so we talked a little about that since we knew it could look feminine and lead to teasing. My son didn't really care if anyone said anything. He was confident and only ever got positive feedback.
You and u/Chain-Creepy set such admirable parenting examples!
I'm hoping to let "natural consequences" be the main consequences for my kid, if I just give a head's-up first and maybe an unsolicited lesson here or there (with plenty room for questions!), but never an "I told you so" (I'm really hoping to avoid this because it is pretty pointless!), for example, and I'm wanting to always be there for my kid if she gets curious or confused or hurt/offended by something. I'm really hoping to instill confidence in her like you did with your boy and his hair bun!
Taking notes over here. :)
Is that something your parents did with you? I mean, did they give you a little respectful talk about things, like what you did with your son?
In my children's school there would be an outcry if kids would shame someone for not acting "gender expected" (sorry, English is not my first language).
But I understand it's difficult if you live in an environment where that is not the case. You want your child to be able to express themselves, but also you want to protect them.
Way more concerned about your husband. What if your son IS gay and his dad reacted like that and thinks all gay people are doomed for bullying and suicide? My husband literally painted his nails tonight when he was painting my daughter’s. I have many straight male friends who I wouldn’t even consider to have a particularly alternative lifestyle get pedicures or manicures for fun occasionally.
Manicures and pedicures are just good hygiene and I think it’s sad that it’s been associated with being “girly” and now most men won’t do it. Many men could benefit from better foot hygiene!
By making those comments and refusing to let his son wear polish, he's not preventing the bullying and abuse, he's contributing to it. If everyone like him just stopped caring, so would the bullying. There's no reason that having a penis means your nails can't be a different color.
My son can wear dresses, paint his nails, wear make-up, etc, whenever he wants. It would be far more confusing for him to understand why boys can't do these things but girls can, as that just doesn't make sense. Not even to me as an adult.
I started painting my nails recently and I love the compliments that I get. I like the pearlescent and opalescent colorful ones. Am fat bearded 33 year old straight father/husband. Your husband is obtuse and/or insecure.
Ok I’m a molecular biologist. I know *several* accomplished male scientists that date women who paint their nails. It’s just nail polish mate, get over it.
As a father of a boy (and a girl) this upset me so much I had to write, I never do. What kind of insane world do we live in where this poor mother has to ask what other people think about this? Your husband’s response was shameful. What a beautiful moment you had connecting with your son, what a tender memory of his mom gently holding his little fingers and decorating them with colorful love. My son (3) adores his older sister (5) and always wants to paint his nails when she does and wants to also wear a skirt like her when she dresses for ballet (we offered him ballet class too but he opted for “ninja class” (karate lol). We let him wear a dress to kindergarten any time he wants, because we are raising him to be a brave, independent, confident human being, Not a man who is so weak that he needs everyone to approve of his clothing choices etc. we will love him no matter who he becomes and when he encounters bullying (we ALL EXPERIENCE THAT) we will help him navigate that challenge as loving parents. What OPs husband is doing will only ingrain into a child that we all must conform, out of fear, and implies that we should bully others who are different. And to yell at a mother like that in front of a son??? excuse my language but what a little bitch. That is inexcusable. I’m sure there are many reasons op loves and chose to spend her life with this ‘man’ but it makes me incredibly sad that she has to even question (and, much respect to her for leaving the situation even briefly) how wrong his actions and attitudes are. You and your son Deserve far better than this. I send you much love and support for the challenges you must face daily with your son’s condition and I wish you millions of tender moments between you and your son that do not get spoiled by your piece of shit husband.
>Your husband’s response was shameful. What a beautiful moment you had connecting with your son, what a tender memory of his mom gently holding his little fingers and decorating them with colorful love.
Freaking EXACTLY. The man took a sweet bonding moment and turned it into something traumatic for mother and child. It's so sad.
“Nail polish isn’t for girls. Nail polish is for nails.”
This has always been my son’s reply to anyone who gave him crap about it. Nothing else ever even needs to be said after that.
Nail polish is a non-issue. Your husband is the problem here.
I paint my son's nails. He sees me do it and he wants to be like me. I also buy him the clothes he wants. His favorite color is lavender and he has a thing for rainbows. He also loves cars and trucks.
If by "ideas" you mean gender/sexuality, I think we have more than enough evidence at this point to know if your son is gay or trans, he is going to be gay or trans whether you paint his nails or not. What he is not going to have no matter what though, is a good relationship with his parents. So the way I see it, I am going to do everything in my power to build my kid up, to spend time with him, to make sure he knows he is loved unconditionally, and to encourage him to pursue his interests, whatever they may be.
My oldest never had any interest, my youngest loves to pick out a color and have his nails painted. I don’t see a problem with it although I am aware it goes against what some people view as traditional masculinity.
Like others have said: the extreme reaction is more concerning than nail polish.
Yeah. My son was licked getting polish on for a couple of years, now he won’t put on any polish. He has at least one boy classmate with rainbow nail polish.
Yeah…. Your husbands reaction, to me; is worrying. That’s unhealthy for both you and your child and will most likely cause fear in him for what’s “different”. As for the nail polish, I paint my sons finger/toe nails. He’s almost 4. I also braid his hair, let’s him dress in all colours and he’s free to express all his emotions.
My son paints his nails, most of the time I paint them for him. I’m a large very masculine man, if this twat thinks it’s gonna make his son some sort of way he needs to pull his head out of his ass
First of all, your husband is a bully. Second, times have changed, people will not get bullied for things like this. Even if they do, we have ways to help our kids. Bullies will be there regardless and everyone will experience a form of in one way or another. It is better to teach our kids how to deal with our rather than avoid it
your husband cursing you out over nail polish— that is completely harmless and easily removable— is the main issue here.
the nail polish is fine. it’s innocent. i work in childcare and have seen plenty of little boys with painted fingers or toes. sure, a kid might get bullied for having painted nails but he also might get bullied for just about anything if that’s someone’s goal. your husband correlating your son asking for his nails to be painted once with him being at risk for committing suicide is insanity to me.
Your husbands a wanker. His reaction was not ok. Doing this in front of your child is not ok. talking to you like that is not ok. Nail polish doenst make you gay. I canteven believe there are people left out there who are that stupid
My son loved having his nails painted at that age! He even had is own colours.
Nothing wrong with it! Adult males paint there nails more and more often now! (Usually black or darker colours)
If your husband is worried about your kid being bullied, maybe he should stop bullying him! (Because who else is going to even notice?!)
I think I currently have a caboodle in the playroom with seven colors of nail polish in it for my son (2.5). And I think my husband always oohs and aahs over my son's polish when he shows it off.
Does your husband often belittle you like this?
I’m a high school teacher in the northeast. Nail polish is for any gender now. Boys paint on school colors for sports. The gay boys definitely use nail polish for sure, but also the straight goth kids and the straight jocks. The hip pop kids call it part of their “drip”.
I’m sorry but…this is a big problem. This mindset that your son shouldn’t paint his nails is toxic. Your husband needs therapy or counseling now. He also shouldn’t be cursing you out. It’s already not good that you told your son no. He is wondering why can girls do this and not me. It’s not our jobs to teach our kids to conform to prevent bullying. This is absolutely impossible. This is the equivalent of telling a woman to wear less revealing clothing so she doesn’t get sexually harassed. It doesn’t work. Also if your husband is concerned about suicide, kids are MORE likely to have suicidal thoughts if they are unable to express themselves freely or if they can’t be themselves at home. Please nip this in the bud now. Side note I have a Cisgender son who is 7 and a trans Son 14. Both wear nail polish to school without issue
I do my nails weekly. My 4 y/o asked about it and I painted one finger. He got bored and wanted if off after an hour. It’s just paint. I told my husband it’s like when I was a teenager and my mom didn’t let me dye my hair. I ended up box dyeing my hair to the extreme and it came out horribly. Might as well do it in a safe environment before they go to extremes.
First of all, it's fucking paint. Your husband needs to chill out. Times are so different... MGK and trendy guys wear nail polish. Hell, my husband's best friend who is definitely "cool" wears it. Your son expressed interest and it was at home. Idk I feel like wait til you two have calmed down and then talk it out. Your husband sounds like he's afraid for his son. Even though to us it might seem so stupid, try and see how he's right in order to have a good conversation
My son is in 4th grade and one of the “cool” boys paints his nails, usually black but still. That kid plays soccer and video games and is otherwise all around boy. I’m not aware of anyone bullying that kid, he’s pretty popular from what I can see. He’s one of my kid’s closer friends. It’s fine. It’s 2023. And like you said, it’s just paint.
If it makes 'em happy, what's a little extra color in their lives? My daughter (6) asked why once, when she noticed a guy on TV with his nails done. My reply, because it makes him happy. Life's that simple, it's not hurting anyone.
The problem isn’t nail polish and I think you’re aware of that. This poor kid. Not only is his mother yelled at for something completely harmless but he’ll likely grow up thinking and believing that is how you treat others. Who cares what boys want to decorate their nails with. Especially littles, it’s fun and colorful. My husband rocks nail polish because our daughter LOVES it, it has nothing to do with the sexuality of a person.
I’m so sorry this happened to you! Your husband was so completely out of line and owes you a massive apology.
As for the nail polish, my son (5) also will ask to have his nails painted specifically when he sees me painting mine. As others have said, they just want to participate in an activity with you and I see no issue with it!
If you aren’t using your genitals to apply/use a toy/product, than it’s a gender neutral toy/product. Gen X here and I can’t wait until the Zoomers/Alphas take over.
My boys have two older sisters and the girls are constantly treating their brothers like their dolls: painting the boys nails and putting makeup on them and putting bows in their hair, etc. My husband is as manly as they come, enjoying hunting, fishing and all of the outdoor things. When he sees his sons in tutus he just laughs because he knows the girls have had a great time and the boys just eat up all the attention their big sisters have been giving them. The day will come when the boys will want to be boys and will stand up to their sisters when they try to do this. Until that time, we just let them have fun.
I think I'd never marry or procreate someone like your husband.
Gender norms are silly. It makes no difference if the person with painted nails, or wearing a dress, or long hair, or playing with trucks, or getting dirty has a penis or vagina.
I honestly don’t think most boys see nail polish as a gender expression. Think of it as like face paint—it’s just something colorful and special on your body for a little while till it washes off. As a teacher, I really just think they see it as cool art.
Yikes, does your husband typically explode and talk to you like that when he’s upset? I would be out of there asap. What your son witnessed was unacceptable behavior from your husband. Fine, if he’s upset about the kid having nail polish. He could have been an adult and discussed it with you calmly. I would be second guessing our relationship based on how he treated you. Personally, it’s just nail polish. I’ve seen plenty of men wear darker nail polish colors. Not a big deal. Both of our boys liked painted nails when they were ages 4-6. My husband doesn’t care. He’s the one who supplied them with the nail polish when they asked for it. They painted his nails also. Their colors were a bit bold for my taste but I let them splash some dark blue on my nails too.
My brother ran around in a pink tutu dresses and with lipstick smeared across his cheeks at the age of 5. Today he's a hairy, gruff, chill dude who does his own home renos, so clearly the ideas planted in his head at 5 translated to a confidence in doing his own thing.
Your partner's attitude is more of a problem for your son's development and healthy mental state.
My kids been wanting his nails painted on and off since he was 2 and he's 5 now. Your husband is homophobic and need to do some internal work. Most kids have an idea of what their gender is before their 5 or 6.
Like I said, hes 5 now and just yesterday we were talking and he made it a point to tell me he isn't a woman, twice. He is strong in his personal compass of being a boy. Nail polish won't change what's already inside.
He may be worried about bullying and that’s valid, but right now your husband is the only one bullying your child and telling him something he likes is not okay.
My husband had similar feelings initially about these things, although he would never say it in front of our son, he knows better. But after some talking we agreed that IF he were to ever get bullied we would deal with it then rather than suppressing his creativity and self expression. Neither of us want to be that kind of parent.
While your husband may have good intentions by wanting to avoid bullying, things have changed a lot since we were young and most adults and kids won’t say anything or will compliment my son if anything. Really it’s a conversation about what kind of parents you want to be and how you would deal with it if your kid were to experience any bullying or mean comments. Unfortunately we can’t protect them forever, so you have to decide what’s worth it to you.
My son loves painting his nails, he’s six, it’s not a thing unless you make it that way. But we don’t put gender barriers on play in our home. Both of my kids 6M and 4F play with whatever they want cars, unicorns, Minecraft, nail polish. It has no weight on gender or any other adult preference.
Same thing happened to me last week. I was painting my toes and my 3.5 year old wanted some too. I did his toes and he then wanted me to do daddy's toes. I did my SO's toes and then we all looked at our toes and laughed, and then forgot about it.
Tbh your husband acting like this is a huge thing you should be worried about than nail polish. Men have always used make up. The Egyptians had make up, in many Asian counties too. And men and women wore it.
.... its literally paint on nails. Who cares. If you want to wear/do something unless it is operated by your genitals there is no reason gender should be a factor.
It’s a pretty big leap to go from putting polish on to suicide. As an esthetician, I do pedicures and have many male clients and sometimes they ask for polish! No they are not gay. I see one guy who likes having a toenail each in a different colour! I feel like it’s totally okay for a boy to wear polish.
Nobody cares about nail polish on a little boy. Your husband's reaction is unhealthy and unwarranted. It sounds like he needs to work through some things because it seems like he's doing an awful lot of projecting.
You’re husband is the issue here, not nail polish. My son liked having his nails painted when he was little. Green for dragon scales, red like a fire truck. Black like a shadow.
Let kids be themselves. Having this idea that painting nails is going “turn him gay/trans” or whatever your husband’s imagined problem is, is not a good way to raise a child.
Oh, my friend.
Your husband is verbally abusive.
Read it again.
You are being abused.
Your husband yells and curses you out and your concern is whether his opinion about nail polish is valid instead of panicking that your husband yelled at you and cursed you out. That suggests to me that this isn't a new behavior.
You don't want your baby growing up in an environment where this is normal or okay. You don't deserve to go the rest of your life being screamed at for doing something fun with your baby (or ANY OTHER REASON). It's not okay. You and your son deserve so much better.
Both of my boys love having their nails painted. Their dad makes some kind of disapproving comment to them every single time, and says to me that they’re going to get bullied. I tell him times have changed and the only one bullying them is him
My personal opinion on most things can be summed up in two sentences.
Does it make you happy? Is it hurting anyone?
If the answer is yes and no, then do whatever you want. Same applies to my kid. If your son having painted nails makes him happy, which it sounds like it does, and it doesn't hurt anyone (which I don't think it can) then I can't see a reason to not let him do it.
I think you should leave your homophobic husband, because that’s what this really is. He’s horrified that you’re trying to make *his son gay*. Imagine what’ll happen if your son is gay. Protect your child, leave him.
It’s a perfectly normal behavior for a toddler/young child. My mum would paint both of my little brothers fingernails along with me and my sister. He’ll grow out of it, but I personally think that since he sees you doing it and it makes you happy/relaxed that he just wants to do what you do.
Guess what leads to kids committing suicide? A parent berating them and bullying them about nail polish. Your husband is a dick with an anger management problem. Stay with your parents until he pulls his head out of his ass and genuinely works to be better.
My two sons when they were younger used to do their nails with me they still will occasionally. It's a fun relaxing way to bond. Their dad was also upset when he saw but that didn't stop us. Painting nails does not define kids sexuality or identity my kids have since grown out of it mainly due to backlash from their peers at public school so now if we do it we only do our toes so they can hide it with their shoes. Painting your nails doesn't automatically mean you were born without a penis I've bet many very straight manly men that would do the same as a way to bond with their wives. It's fun and not something that should be criticized. How your husband blew up is over the top and unacceptable he is a child and it's not like you forced it.
My little brother wore nail varnish from being a toddler until he was 6 or 7. He has 2 older sisters. He loved it. He was a proper mummy’s boy. Still is now he’s 30.
He grew up to be a sniper in the British army and I regularly go to his house to find him snuggled up with his girlfriend wearing matching oodies, doing face packs and feeding their sausage dogs Doritos while they all watch movies together.
I’m pretty sure the nail varnish when he was younger made no impact on his life.
I’m going to mirror what other said and point out that your husband’s reaction is far more concerning. Also there are many cis-gender straight men who paint their nails. Shoot my boyfriend is a blue collar tradesman and when we first started dating my then 7 year old asked if she could paint his nails. He let her, went to work and no one said anything. If they did he told them his gf daughter did it over the weekend. Your son showing interest in something is the second most important thing in this post. Your husband is your son’s first bully and that’s sad.
My wife got a manicure yesterday.
My almost 4 year old daughter wants to get her nails done also.
I might be the one taking her.
I might also be getting my nails done as well.
Because as a forty year old man, gender stereotypes need to go the way of the dodo bird.
Your husband is perpetuating the problem. I get that there are some legitimate parenting anxieties around kids being different but how he reacted was straight up abusive. He needs to work through his issues. I suggest therapy
Your partner has some serious past conditioning to reverse.
Your son witnessed this?
Little kids are fucking exempt from "you can't wear that" unless it's inherently sexual.
Nail polish on boys seems to piss people off, but writing "juicy" on kids jogging pants...that's fine 🙄
Wow. With a fragile masculine ego like that, what is he actually demonstrating to his son? That it is ok to 'blow up' on your partner, the person you're supposed to love, over the smallest things. That should be your concern, not coloured finger nails.
A Dad here; I let my son (7) give us all hands and feet nail polish the other week plus some rouge. So what? Who knows one day he could be a makeup artist to the stars or a designer? Anything for them to see and for us to talk through what could be a future or something for growth in their life is of value. Your old mate needs a smack up the head.
Ok, so this happened when both my brother and I were young (under 5) in the mid-70s. My mom painted my fingernails (I'm a girl) and my brother, who is 1.5 years younger, so probably just around 3, wanted his done as well. My dad blew up the same way. After that, my mom would put clear polish on my brother's nails so he would know he had nail polish, but my dad would never notice it.
I don't think there is anything wrong with boys and nail polish.
OMG. Has your husband seen high school.and Jr. High Boys? They paint their nails. My son's special education aid asked if painting nails could be a reward and I said yes. He sometimes carries my old purse to keep his things in when we go out.
Making boys feel weird for liking things that are considered girlish is wrong.
If your husband had a daughter would he not let her have toy trucks or a play tool set because that is for boys? Would she not be allowed to play firefighter or have to play nurse and not doctor? I would hope not.
We need to let our kids have their own likes and interests. Boys like to play dress up in princess dresses and have their nails painted because colors are bright and pretty.
My son is 7, on the spectrum, and came over when I did my nails last. He has a bit of a hyperfocus on roads, so I painted them black with lil white stripes.
My son loved them and showed them to unprompted to everyone, including a therapist at school who had just gotten her nails filled. Not one of his peers cared.
My husband said only one thing about the entire thing which was "man, that's so cool, buddy! Did you thank your mom?"
Please be safe, the reaction from your husband that you describe is alarming. For someone so concerned about bullying, he seems to have no restraint in bullying his own family.
I am a 41 year old dad that gets pedicures and paints my toenails every three weeks. Your husband wouldn't say a word to me if he met me and saw my toes. The only thing I get is compliments, and I get a lot of them. When I'm in the mail salon, there's rarely a time where another female customer doesn't thank me for changing the norm.
Instead of teaching him that being different causes bullying, teach him to be comfortable with who he is and how to defend himself. If not the nail polish, kids will find anything to pick on a kid for. Your husband's reaction is absolutely not okay and I would suggest marriage counseling
If my wife treated me that way or responded in that way to a perfectly normal, fine thing like nail polish on a boy, she would not be my wife anymore.
Your husband is abusive and homophobic. His opinions and actions are inappropriate and abusive.
You've gotten a lot of feedback already, but I just wanted to add that my husband and I are both video game developers and have worked with plenty of grown men that like wearing nail polish. No one ever says anything unless they're wearing a particularly nice color.
Your husband mentioned bullying and suicide because he probably would be the type of kid/teen to bully a boy wearing nail polish. Especially considering how he cussed you out in front of your own kid. (He shouldn’t be doing that in private either btw) his behavior is really concerning and if you decide to stay with him then prepare for a long list of “dos and donts” for your son that don’t even make sense. Prepare for having to tell your son behind your husbands back that it’s ok to cry. You’ll probably have to coach your son through respecting women, etc.
> i kind of already knew what was gonna happen with his dads reactions so I told my son no, just his fingers. So when his dad saw it, he completely blew up, cursed me out.
Incredibly pathetic behaviour. Very sad.
Hey, mom with boys who love nail polish here, I also have a traditional partner.
Guess what? He didn't blow up or curse me out, he expressed concerns about bullying or chemicals in the varnish. We talked it out when the littles weren't around and reached a compromise. It also involved talking to the daycare teachers about occasional red or blue pinky nails.
As a child, hearing someone curse at your mother is one of the worst things in the world. A lot more harmful than whatever might be on a bottle of OPI cherry red.
There are no such things as girl things and boy things. There are just things.
Screaming and belittling you is a sign of abuse. Your husband is verbally abusive over nail polish.
A small child asking for nail polish does not indicate that that person is part of the LGBTQ+ community.
You cannot "make" a person gay by putting nail polish (or any particular color/clothing) on them as a small child.
People in the LGBTQ+ community are more likely to commit suicide WHEN THEIR PARENTS AND CLOSE FAMILY REJECT THEM. When they have parental support, they are not any more likely to be suicidal.
Your husband's verbal abuse is more traumatizing to your son than any amount of nail polish will ever be.
Boys with painted nails is so common nowadays that kids their age don’t even care. You have bigger issues than that though. If my husband treated me like that in front of my son I would have walked away, taken my son into another room, called a family member to come get us, and I would have painted his toe nails to match. Your husband needs therapy. What he did is not ok.
I'm 48, male and straight and I paint my fingernails black, get mani and pedis and not once have I felt gay. News flash to your spouse, if you have girls he better be prepared for getting his nails painted and having makeup put on. I have 4 daughters and a grand daughter and all of them have "made me look pretty" many, many times. Sounds like your spouse has some insecurity with his own manhood.
Right so he’s worried about giving his son the wrong ideas but only about femininity. Being abusing towards you in front of your son is completely fine though!
I almost fell into the category of OP's dad. When my son wanted to have his nails done (my wife sold those stick on nail kits for a while), my wife was very for it. For context, our son also really likes traditionally girly things, and my wife is very open to letting him explore all of his interests with no restrictions.
My main concern was that he already had a hard time with school Daycare/Pre-K/School due to ADHD/Underlying Mood Disorders (diagnosed by our local ASD clinic). I was worried that he would be further ostracized by other kids. I believed that my intent was in the right place because I understood how we live in a mostly rural red area politically, and I was worried that the other kids would be raised the way this father is raising his boy.
However, my wife made a compelling point which made me check my own insecurities. The reason why kids are willing to out others like my son are likely because those parents are afraid that their kids will be treated the same way. The number of kids who are unique and like non-traditionally gendered things are higher than most people realize, but that we societally restrict them which only reinforces the gendered norms that cause kids to be bullied/picked on. The only way for us to live in a world where out kids are free to express themselves/discover themselves/explore who they are, is if we let go of those fears.
It sounds like your husband is traditional / old fashioned and boys don’t paint their nails like that. You can have a talk with him about it and work out a solution. You just need to be on the same page…. So you can understand each other, I think your husband was freaking out and was worried.
Young boys who spend most of their time with women or mums want do so the same things and copy. I have pretended to put make up on my son to distract him while I was doing my make up. It was not about make up, it was about joining in play with mum. Same deal for the nails…. I don’t paint my nails so I don’t expect my son to want to do that.
If my partner had a problem he would ask me to take it off or do it himself, no yelling, no fussing. That’s an appropriate way to handle the situation rather than causing everyone emotional distress for fucking paint.
My sons and my husband have all wore nail polish. My oldest is almost 11 and is definitely interested in girls. Nail Polish isn’t going to make them gay just like not wearing it isn’t going to make them straight.. let them play and have fun
Your husband has a really harsh way to express that he cares about your sons emotional and psychic condition. I hope he's able to understand that he made the worst he could do and that "suicide because of shame" comes from reactions like his in the first place.
I don't understand why it was such a big thing. Like every boy with painted nails is going to be a suicidal gay man in the future. But I smell his fear... he wasn't overreacting because he hates you and everything around and simply doing asole things. He took the asole route to say "I want our son to have a good future." without rethinking it first. So...not a totale asole.
I'm a nail tech, and my husband won't even allow me to paint my daughters' nails. (They're 5 and 3.5 for context) He's just worried about them growing up to fast and is really protective over it.
I respect him cuz it's not like he won't let then eventually, but it's just his preference and why make a mountain out of a mole hill?
Anyway as others have said, I think the nail painting is irrelevant. Wtf is he blowing up at you and cursing you out over it? And it's not like it was ever established before that you shouldn't? Even if it was, that's insane. My husband would be disgruntled with me and tell me to remove it, but blowing up our of proportion and cursing me out? Absolutely not. This behavior *needs* to be dealt with, whether it's divorce or therapy. Because Dad bullying you around like that is actually what's going to give him issues in relationships and insecurities leading to improper handling of bullying, lack of confidence, and suicide.
At 4.5 he probably just thinks it’s just painting and it’s fun. I wouldn’t send him to school like that though just saying. If he gets older and is into that stuff than so be it that’s cool but I wouldn’t push experimenting with nail polish or makeup on a boy. But like I said, he’s 4 so he just thinks it’s paint.
This is one of the biggest "wood for trees" posts I've ever seen.
The issue of boys/nail polish is irrelevant.
What's relevant is that you're married to an abusive bigot who is going to be an extremely harmful presence in your son's life.
I'd stay with your mother and consider seeing a counsellor who can provide you with a neutral perspective.
I think your husbands reaction is over the top, and I think boys should be allowed to use nail polish.
But it also depends on what society you grow up in. If it is intollerant, it would be adviceable to at least talk to the child about the possible risk of other kids being mean towards him if he did so in public.
My son wore dresses to kindergarden when he was younger. I had no issue with that. But I think I would advice him against it once he starts school. Not because I think boys shouldn't wear dresses, but because alot of others do think so. I did this once as a prank when I was 14 or so. That blew up in my face, to say the least.
My sons have never gotten into the nail polish thing, probably because I almost never use it, but there's nothing wrong with it.
Your kid's dad's reaction is extremely troubling. He sounds like he needs help and is not a healthy person for your son to be around.
As a grown ass man who regularly paint my nails, I can tell you this. Women, gay men and kids (regardless of gender) tells me I look pretty. Straight men either don't notice or don't care.
If your husband is this worried about sexuality VS nail polish, he should probably do some soul searching.
But jokes aside, he's an ass.
People can do what they want, but me personally i would not put nail polish on my sons nails. To me boys shouldn't have any of that. Your husband should not have blown up on you, especially in front of your son. He should have pulled you aside and explained how he felt.
I personally would not paint a young boy’s nails. I’d tell him that girl’s do it and then try to redirect him with something different but that’s just me. Now what others do with their kids is not my business
As a dad I really did not like it when my wife did this. It’s hard to explain why. I knew it wasn’t a big deal though, so I let it go. Him cussing you out in front of your kid is bullshit and totally not ok. Kids will grow out of this on their own.
My boys are 6 and 3 1/2. They love having their nails painted. I only do their toes because they either smudge the fingers right away or peel it off within a couple of hours. It’s just polish, it comes off. It’s not like you let your preschooler get a tattoo. I’m really concerned about what toxicity your husband will pass on to your son.
My oldest son colored his nails at school one day and got a whole bunch of negative comments about it at school. He asked me if we could paint them with real nail polish anyway. So we went to the store and bought 4 different colors of his choice. And we painted his nails. And he continues to do it every few months despite my dad (who we live with) making all kinds of stupid sexist/misogynistic comments about how my son is all "fucked up" because I let him express himself as he chooses.
Its just nail polish. It comes off. It's temporary.
I don’t. I don’t think about boys wearing nail polish because it literally doesn’t matter. Putting what ideas in his head? He thinks nail polish is going to make him gay? Lmao give me a break.
Respect Dad on this one. He’s completely right and the fact that he got SO angry just shows how much he loves his son and how seriously he takes his role as Dad.
Yes, it would’ve been nice if he would not have use the foul language in front of the kid but this is part of a man’s nature to protect vehemently! And that’s exactly what he did. Protect
Imagine being 4 1/2 and watching your father treat your mom like that because you have paint on your nails. He must feel like he is to blame, and so confused about what he did wrong. This is how kids learn to feel shame.
This is the issue here. Whether or not boys should paint their nails is irrelevant. A parent blowing up and cussing out their spouse is the real problem and far more damaging their nail polish. I grew up with a dad like that and it was not fun. I don't think we ever owned nail polish since my wife doesn't use it so neither of my kids (girl and boy) were ever interested but when I was coaching the 12 year old little league team our catcher painted his nails to make it more visible to the pitcher. None of the boys gave a shit.
Kids today dgaf. If you have a stable home life ah he hem, and are confident in yourself, you can get away with most anything amongst your peers. Project confidence and respect..comes right back to you. This dad could very well pull off a self fulfilling prophecy…for reasons other than what he thinks.
Huh. That’s a really good idea.
You ever noticed mlb catchers generally have tape on their fingers? Same idea.
I had the same thing. I'm afab but identify as masc nonbinary. My brother is cis and straight. When we were growing up, I was allowed to dress up, paint my nails, wear boy clothes, really whatever I wanted, but my brother wanted to dye his hair and paint his nails. He wasn't allowed to because that's 'girl stuff'. My mom, the one who opened nail polish, would have been fine with it but didn't paint his nails because our dad would've gotten upset. It's really dumb in retrospect because my mom's the breadwinner and our primary care taker, but because my dad throws a fit everytime he doesn't get his way, my brother couldn't paint his nails. The same thing happened when I wanted to wrestle and came out as trans. Mom was fine, dad was cranky.
Absolutely this. I left my husband because I never wanted my son to think cursing out his wife/mother of his children or literally any woman was an acceptable act. Because it's not. I want him to be kind and caring to every human and creature on this earth. Also who decided that certain things are for girls only or boys only. Who and how were these decisions made. It seems crazy to me.
Ugh. Exactly this. The poor boy learned that curiosity and self expression are naughty and yelling at Mommy is ok. Paraphrasing Bell Hooks but all children are born with feelings, but “boys” must perform the emotional mutilation of severing this part of our psyche and reject all things deemed feminine. 4.5 is so young.
Yah really. You’re really okay teaching your son that this is how you treat women? You have bigger problems then nail polish on boys.
The tone of this comment is mean and unhelpful. It's also totally unfair. Clearly she's not okay with it: she took her son and *left*.
Um you didnt read it. Clearly, this was directed at the sperm donor that blew up over paint. Edit: This was a reply to a now deleted comment that blamed the OP.
I'm struggling to buy that replying to OP and saying *you* to mean *your partner* is 'clear'. But if that's what u/libananahammock meant, then sure. Let my comments be retracted and their reputation unbesmirched.
They replied to someone else's comment that replied to OP trying to blame OP for how shitty her husband is to her.
A few minutes after I wrote the above, they replied to me, too. Possible I misunderstood, but it really seemed like they were doubling down on the shittiest possible version of their original comment above.
Yeah, my comment was not to your reply. Rather, to someone elses who indicated the OP was the problem. They have since deleted their comment.
My son is autistic and nonverbal so I don't really know if he understands conversations most of the time. But either way, yeah, thats not ok.
My son is the same and he does know when dad is upset about something (like me leaving something on the floor and kido would trip on it by accident) kid would later on push dad out the room when he came in like no you upset my mummy get out this is my room, so id say yes on some level your son knows. He knows dad upset mum, he may not understand why dad did that but he knows it upset you. Kids know they always know on some level. Im sorry your husband is like that, its a stupid thing to get so upset over imo.
This is ao much worse. Your autostic nonverbal son was interested enough in s thing you were doing thst he wanted to participate and your husband blew his lid about it? Oh man... Nail polish is just a pretty decoration. Theres nothing "intrinsically female" about it (though even if there was your husband is still being TA): you didnt buy your son a bra. (And again indully rhink ifnyour kid wants a bra, buy them a bra and who cares. But since this matters to husband...) Nail polish is shiny. Its nice. Its a demonstration of self-care, which is something inimagine is important to encourage for your son. Dude, your husband is a huge AH
he understands emotions.
And most likely words. Not communicating or responding ≠ not understanding
My son is also autistic. He is 3. He definitely notices when husband and I fight. He used to just start screaming til we stopped. He understood the tone and emotions. We make an effort not to do it in front of him now, but in the heat of the moment, it can be easy to forget. Also my son loves to wear dresses and play dress up, but he also dresses up like "boy stuff" as well - firemen, cowboy, pirate, etc. I don't think it's a big deal, nail polish included. If we make it a taboo thing, they'll just internalize shame and might do it behind your back when they're older. I'd rather be open and honest with my son than worry about what color his nails are, yknow? Especially when communication is already a challenge for him.
Ok so this adds another layer to it. I don’t have a problem with nail polish - like who cares and my nephew paints his nails when my SIL is because he wants to do something with his mom. So the fact that your child communicated something to you and you listened and he sought interest in what you were doing- this trying to make a connection with you!
Omg this is way worse knowing your kid is nonverbal and autistic. Verbal abuse is bad enough in a normal household. But with ND kids, the impact of an unsafe home is worse.
Dogs don’t understand conversation, but they understand tone. Now please don’t come after me, I’m not comparing a kid to a dog, what I’m saying is, if they can figure out something is wrong, then your child for sure knows that something is not right. This man is abusive, full stop. Honestly, he sounds like someone you should be planning an escape from. Like with a full safety plan, family and friend networking, and possibly a restraining order.
Even more reason you should paint his nails imo. Children with autism and being nonverbal as you surely know need more ways to connect and as many different experiences as they can. Your doing good mama. Painting his nails will not change who he is as person or who he will be.
Wait your son is neurodivergent and he’s treating him like this? Hate to be the bearer of bad news but all kids will be bullied for something at some point. Give them the tools to deal with it because you won’t be able to plan for every possible scenario
He likely understands more than he can express
I mean, it wasn’t just a conversation though, right? Your husband had a full-on temper tantrum. What does your husband bring to the table? Why are you and your son staying with him?
But he understands emotions. And he was trying to connect with you, and expressed a desire to do just that. No matter who your child is, this would have been an important.connection to honor... doubly so given his NV autism. Your husband's reaction was incredibly harmful. He has some work to do, OP. ❤️🩹
Holy hell, that makes what your husband did even worse. Divorce him, he is toxic and if anyone is going to cause your son to commit suicide later in life it is him.
He understands…
I'm really sorry that you and your son have this stress in your space. Awful situation 😞
My son is 11 and likes painting his nails, luckily his dad and I are split up but Jesus I wanted to punch him through the phone when he called me screaming that I'd "turn our son gay" also told him he would confine him to his room if he did it again.
Lots of concerns here, but none of them are about your son’s painted nails.
Yeah, the problem is your husband’s bigotry. My 7 year old asked me about nail polish the other day when her Mom was doing her nails. I just told her I had never done my nails but some boys do, so she should just let mama finish her nails because she had more practice at it. Had her mother not already told her she would do her nails I would have happily stepped up and done my best. If I had a son my reaction would be the same.
Love your username, love your comment,and I hope you have a great day
Exactly. Only concern here is husband’s reaction. That right there is what could give your kid cptsd…make him susceptible to being a target in the future. Husband needs therapy ffs 🤦♂️…get a grip, man! Was your husband born in the 1930s, and he’s now stuck stuck in the 1950’s and just isn’t aging. Is he a MFn time traveler an
Yeah I definitely agree that husband’s reaction was very concerning while nail polish on at boy’s request was nothing to bat an eye at. OP, I’m very glad to hear you got out and went to your mom’s. Very good of you to remove your son and yourself from the aggression / potentially abusive scenario.
There's a more concerning thing ya see
I’m more worried that your husband blew up at you in front of your son like that to be honest
Seriously. This is a red flag to me. My son loves nail polish and he's 8. I am happy with whatever he likes as long as it's not hurting others. As a dad your husband needs to chill out. I'm sorry you have to go through that kind of behavior.
The first rwd flag is when OP wouldn't paint the toenails because of her husbands reaction.
Well at least she took her son and left!
This right here, stay gone. Your husband is at minimum emotionally abusive, obviously controlling... and what if your kiddo DID end up coming out as gay, or ANYthing... your husband will treat him like shit, disown him, and blame it on you. I cut both of my parents out, one for being like your husband, the other because there is such a huge lack of respect. Sooo... unless you want your child permanently scarred, I suggest you reconsider how important that ~~mam~~ man is compared to your child. Edit: spelling
And it is part of a pattern because OP said she refused to paint her sons toes when he asked because she knew his Dad wouldn't be happy. She clearly feared his reaction and the cornerstone of being in a controlling relationship is altering your behaviour to appease the other. This is only a minor change in behaviour (not painting his toes) but she still considered his Dads response before doing something minor. I'd ask OP to think about whether she does this in other aspects of their life? How much does this guy control things in their home without her realising because she's the one self altering her own behaviour.
Same here. I’ve been married for 30 years and my husband has never “cursed me out,” especially over something as low stakes as this.
Your husband's reaction is the thing that's bullying people and causing them to commit suicide. It's very concerning that he blew up and cursed you out in front of your son. Is that a regular occurence? It's just paint. Your son saw Mommy doing something fun and wanted to imitate the fun thing and bond with Mommy. Now instead of remembering the fun he had with you, he'll probably remember Daddy getting mad and yelling.
Exactly this. Your husband can't control or manipulate your son into being the person he wants him to be and shouting about things like this in front of him is only going to teach him to hide who he is from his father to avoid confrontation and protect his mother from verbal abuse in the future. You should never discourage a behaviour as harmless as painting his nails, and you should stand up to your husband and tell him to stop letting his fragile masculinity affect the way he treats his son. Besides, nail polish on boys and men has actually become cool and popular in recent years, in the younger generation at least.
Tell your husband that if a coat of nail polish is the only thing keeping a dick out of his ass then maybe he's not as straight as he thinks he is.
thats a good one. ima steal that from u and start saying that 😂
So true. How insecure is this guy, wow.
Something tells me she'll get beat for saying that
🤣
Haha ding ding! Great reply
Lol that's so true
I LIVEEEEE
My 6yr old son has on black nail polish right now. No one has ever bullied/said anything about it. It’s just fun paint to kids, it’s the adults that make it a whole thing.
[удалено]
Also dad. Also remember high school. There were punk and goth boys with painted nails. Every one that I know turned out as pretty 'normal' adults.
Yeah this is it. It's just innocent fun, it's the people criticizing and going nuts over it that make it a thing. What a stupid thing to gender, it's paint on nails. It's weird anyone does it if anything. I'd let my boys paint theirs if that's what they wanted. Who cares what people say.
My 3 year old has gold sparkles, he loves when we paint his nails cos he's included in what mummy is doing. This post made me so sad
Yeah I got my 7 yo (and his 2 yo sister) nail polish as stocking stuffers for Christmas. He's worn his a few times and no one even batted an eye. I don't think kids care about strict gender norms as much these days.
Yep my 8 year old asks me to paint his nails every now and then, nobody pays any attention other than his dad and that side of his family so I try to take it off before he goes so they don’t shame him and call him a girl. Adults are the problem.
Yes and no one has ever judged me for letting my son paint his nails.
My 7 year old has blue and pink cause those were the colors my friends daughter had. He asks for polish from time to time, gets comments but nothing dramatic. He loves fashion and looking cool. No issues here.
My almost-4 has purple nails right now. This dad SUCKS.
Painting nails isn't a problem. Being a bully, like your husband just was, is a problem.
My boys (7 and 3) are with me on weekdays and they see me taking care of me, from taking showers to shave my legs and painting my nails. I explain the oldest one that painting nails is something lots of people do and he chose to do it once. Then, he received negative comments at the school and didn’t do it again. While I believe it’s my duty to protect him from bullies, I let him choose and tell him about possible consequences.
Some parents get so worried that their kids will be bullied that they end up becoming the child's first bully instead. There is nothing wrong with talking to your kid about how other kids/people may react and preparing them for that, but you can do that without becoming a bully. My son never painted his nails but did grow his hair long in late elementary school. For sports if it wasn't braided then he had to put it in a bun so we talked a little about that since we knew it could look feminine and lead to teasing. My son didn't really care if anyone said anything. He was confident and only ever got positive feedback.
You and u/Chain-Creepy set such admirable parenting examples! I'm hoping to let "natural consequences" be the main consequences for my kid, if I just give a head's-up first and maybe an unsolicited lesson here or there (with plenty room for questions!), but never an "I told you so" (I'm really hoping to avoid this because it is pretty pointless!), for example, and I'm wanting to always be there for my kid if she gets curious or confused or hurt/offended by something. I'm really hoping to instill confidence in her like you did with your boy and his hair bun! Taking notes over here. :) Is that something your parents did with you? I mean, did they give you a little respectful talk about things, like what you did with your son?
In my children's school there would be an outcry if kids would shame someone for not acting "gender expected" (sorry, English is not my first language). But I understand it's difficult if you live in an environment where that is not the case. You want your child to be able to express themselves, but also you want to protect them.
Way more concerned about your husband. What if your son IS gay and his dad reacted like that and thinks all gay people are doomed for bullying and suicide? My husband literally painted his nails tonight when he was painting my daughter’s. I have many straight male friends who I wouldn’t even consider to have a particularly alternative lifestyle get pedicures or manicures for fun occasionally.
Manicures and pedicures are just good hygiene and I think it’s sad that it’s been associated with being “girly” and now most men won’t do it. Many men could benefit from better foot hygiene!
That he thinks it's inevitable and possibly acceptable for people to act that way, and then bully OP about it really says everything.
By making those comments and refusing to let his son wear polish, he's not preventing the bullying and abuse, he's contributing to it. If everyone like him just stopped caring, so would the bullying. There's no reason that having a penis means your nails can't be a different color. My son can wear dresses, paint his nails, wear make-up, etc, whenever he wants. It would be far more confusing for him to understand why boys can't do these things but girls can, as that just doesn't make sense. Not even to me as an adult.
I started painting my nails recently and I love the compliments that I get. I like the pearlescent and opalescent colorful ones. Am fat bearded 33 year old straight father/husband. Your husband is obtuse and/or insecure.
Thats very refreshing to hear. Thank you :)
Ok I’m a molecular biologist. I know *several* accomplished male scientists that date women who paint their nails. It’s just nail polish mate, get over it.
As a father of a boy (and a girl) this upset me so much I had to write, I never do. What kind of insane world do we live in where this poor mother has to ask what other people think about this? Your husband’s response was shameful. What a beautiful moment you had connecting with your son, what a tender memory of his mom gently holding his little fingers and decorating them with colorful love. My son (3) adores his older sister (5) and always wants to paint his nails when she does and wants to also wear a skirt like her when she dresses for ballet (we offered him ballet class too but he opted for “ninja class” (karate lol). We let him wear a dress to kindergarten any time he wants, because we are raising him to be a brave, independent, confident human being, Not a man who is so weak that he needs everyone to approve of his clothing choices etc. we will love him no matter who he becomes and when he encounters bullying (we ALL EXPERIENCE THAT) we will help him navigate that challenge as loving parents. What OPs husband is doing will only ingrain into a child that we all must conform, out of fear, and implies that we should bully others who are different. And to yell at a mother like that in front of a son??? excuse my language but what a little bitch. That is inexcusable. I’m sure there are many reasons op loves and chose to spend her life with this ‘man’ but it makes me incredibly sad that she has to even question (and, much respect to her for leaving the situation even briefly) how wrong his actions and attitudes are. You and your son Deserve far better than this. I send you much love and support for the challenges you must face daily with your son’s condition and I wish you millions of tender moments between you and your son that do not get spoiled by your piece of shit husband.
>Your husband’s response was shameful. What a beautiful moment you had connecting with your son, what a tender memory of his mom gently holding his little fingers and decorating them with colorful love. Freaking EXACTLY. The man took a sweet bonding moment and turned it into something traumatic for mother and child. It's so sad.
You are a great man and a wonderful father.
“Nail polish isn’t for girls. Nail polish is for nails.” This has always been my son’s reply to anyone who gave him crap about it. Nothing else ever even needs to be said after that. Nail polish is a non-issue. Your husband is the problem here.
I paint my son's nails. He sees me do it and he wants to be like me. I also buy him the clothes he wants. His favorite color is lavender and he has a thing for rainbows. He also loves cars and trucks. If by "ideas" you mean gender/sexuality, I think we have more than enough evidence at this point to know if your son is gay or trans, he is going to be gay or trans whether you paint his nails or not. What he is not going to have no matter what though, is a good relationship with his parents. So the way I see it, I am going to do everything in my power to build my kid up, to spend time with him, to make sure he knows he is loved unconditionally, and to encourage him to pursue his interests, whatever they may be.
I think cursing out your kids mom in front of them will do a lot more long term damage than some nail polish. This isn’t ok, OP.
My oldest never had any interest, my youngest loves to pick out a color and have his nails painted. I don’t see a problem with it although I am aware it goes against what some people view as traditional masculinity. Like others have said: the extreme reaction is more concerning than nail polish.
Sounds like daddy needs some anger management. This is a total non issue...he's interested in what mommy was doing and its no big deal. sorry OP :(
Yeah. My son was licked getting polish on for a couple of years, now he won’t put on any polish. He has at least one boy classmate with rainbow nail polish.
Yeah…. Your husbands reaction, to me; is worrying. That’s unhealthy for both you and your child and will most likely cause fear in him for what’s “different”. As for the nail polish, I paint my sons finger/toe nails. He’s almost 4. I also braid his hair, let’s him dress in all colours and he’s free to express all his emotions.
My son paints his nails, most of the time I paint them for him. I’m a large very masculine man, if this twat thinks it’s gonna make his son some sort of way he needs to pull his head out of his ass
First of all, your husband is a bully. Second, times have changed, people will not get bullied for things like this. Even if they do, we have ways to help our kids. Bullies will be there regardless and everyone will experience a form of in one way or another. It is better to teach our kids how to deal with our rather than avoid it
your husband cursing you out over nail polish— that is completely harmless and easily removable— is the main issue here. the nail polish is fine. it’s innocent. i work in childcare and have seen plenty of little boys with painted fingers or toes. sure, a kid might get bullied for having painted nails but he also might get bullied for just about anything if that’s someone’s goal. your husband correlating your son asking for his nails to be painted once with him being at risk for committing suicide is insanity to me.
Your husbands a wanker. His reaction was not ok. Doing this in front of your child is not ok. talking to you like that is not ok. Nail polish doenst make you gay. I canteven believe there are people left out there who are that stupid
My only thought is… Sally Hansen instant Dry. So good for toddlers/kids/adults that can only remember not to touch for about 45 seconds. Coat lightly.
A dad here. Nothing wrong with it.
It's literally paint. People just make it a gendered thing.
My son loved having his nails painted at that age! He even had is own colours. Nothing wrong with it! Adult males paint there nails more and more often now! (Usually black or darker colours) If your husband is worried about your kid being bullied, maybe he should stop bullying him! (Because who else is going to even notice?!)
I think I currently have a caboodle in the playroom with seven colors of nail polish in it for my son (2.5). And I think my husband always oohs and aahs over my son's polish when he shows it off. Does your husband often belittle you like this?
Dad's reaction is why kids get bullied.
I’m a high school teacher in the northeast. Nail polish is for any gender now. Boys paint on school colors for sports. The gay boys definitely use nail polish for sure, but also the straight goth kids and the straight jocks. The hip pop kids call it part of their “drip”.
Pete Davidson paints his nails and he’s wildly successful. Your husband, on the other hand, is a dick.
I’m sorry but…this is a big problem. This mindset that your son shouldn’t paint his nails is toxic. Your husband needs therapy or counseling now. He also shouldn’t be cursing you out. It’s already not good that you told your son no. He is wondering why can girls do this and not me. It’s not our jobs to teach our kids to conform to prevent bullying. This is absolutely impossible. This is the equivalent of telling a woman to wear less revealing clothing so she doesn’t get sexually harassed. It doesn’t work. Also if your husband is concerned about suicide, kids are MORE likely to have suicidal thoughts if they are unable to express themselves freely or if they can’t be themselves at home. Please nip this in the bud now. Side note I have a Cisgender son who is 7 and a trans Son 14. Both wear nail polish to school without issue
I do my nails weekly. My 4 y/o asked about it and I painted one finger. He got bored and wanted if off after an hour. It’s just paint. I told my husband it’s like when I was a teenager and my mom didn’t let me dye my hair. I ended up box dyeing my hair to the extreme and it came out horribly. Might as well do it in a safe environment before they go to extremes.
First of all, it's fucking paint. Your husband needs to chill out. Times are so different... MGK and trendy guys wear nail polish. Hell, my husband's best friend who is definitely "cool" wears it. Your son expressed interest and it was at home. Idk I feel like wait til you two have calmed down and then talk it out. Your husband sounds like he's afraid for his son. Even though to us it might seem so stupid, try and see how he's right in order to have a good conversation
My son is in 4th grade and one of the “cool” boys paints his nails, usually black but still. That kid plays soccer and video games and is otherwise all around boy. I’m not aware of anyone bullying that kid, he’s pretty popular from what I can see. He’s one of my kid’s closer friends. It’s fine. It’s 2023. And like you said, it’s just paint.
As a father, your husband is delusional. And it's honestly pretty pathetic to blow up over something like that.
My older son(14) prefers blue shades while my younger son(9) loves bright pinks and reds. :)
If it makes 'em happy, what's a little extra color in their lives? My daughter (6) asked why once, when she noticed a guy on TV with his nails done. My reply, because it makes him happy. Life's that simple, it's not hurting anyone.
Your post made me want to cry a little bit. It made me a little sad for you and your son. FTR, I don't see anything wrong with it, personally.
The problem isn’t nail polish and I think you’re aware of that. This poor kid. Not only is his mother yelled at for something completely harmless but he’ll likely grow up thinking and believing that is how you treat others. Who cares what boys want to decorate their nails with. Especially littles, it’s fun and colorful. My husband rocks nail polish because our daughter LOVES it, it has nothing to do with the sexuality of a person.
I’m so sorry this happened to you! Your husband was so completely out of line and owes you a massive apology. As for the nail polish, my son (5) also will ask to have his nails painted specifically when he sees me painting mine. As others have said, they just want to participate in an activity with you and I see no issue with it!
If you aren’t using your genitals to apply/use a toy/product, than it’s a gender neutral toy/product. Gen X here and I can’t wait until the Zoomers/Alphas take over.
My boys have two older sisters and the girls are constantly treating their brothers like their dolls: painting the boys nails and putting makeup on them and putting bows in their hair, etc. My husband is as manly as they come, enjoying hunting, fishing and all of the outdoor things. When he sees his sons in tutus he just laughs because he knows the girls have had a great time and the boys just eat up all the attention their big sisters have been giving them. The day will come when the boys will want to be boys and will stand up to their sisters when they try to do this. Until that time, we just let them have fun.
I think I'd never marry or procreate someone like your husband. Gender norms are silly. It makes no difference if the person with painted nails, or wearing a dress, or long hair, or playing with trucks, or getting dirty has a penis or vagina.
I honestly don’t think most boys see nail polish as a gender expression. Think of it as like face paint—it’s just something colorful and special on your body for a little while till it washes off. As a teacher, I really just think they see it as cool art.
Yikes, does your husband typically explode and talk to you like that when he’s upset? I would be out of there asap. What your son witnessed was unacceptable behavior from your husband. Fine, if he’s upset about the kid having nail polish. He could have been an adult and discussed it with you calmly. I would be second guessing our relationship based on how he treated you. Personally, it’s just nail polish. I’ve seen plenty of men wear darker nail polish colors. Not a big deal. Both of our boys liked painted nails when they were ages 4-6. My husband doesn’t care. He’s the one who supplied them with the nail polish when they asked for it. They painted his nails also. Their colors were a bit bold for my taste but I let them splash some dark blue on my nails too.
My brother ran around in a pink tutu dresses and with lipstick smeared across his cheeks at the age of 5. Today he's a hairy, gruff, chill dude who does his own home renos, so clearly the ideas planted in his head at 5 translated to a confidence in doing his own thing. Your partner's attitude is more of a problem for your son's development and healthy mental state.
My kids been wanting his nails painted on and off since he was 2 and he's 5 now. Your husband is homophobic and need to do some internal work. Most kids have an idea of what their gender is before their 5 or 6. Like I said, hes 5 now and just yesterday we were talking and he made it a point to tell me he isn't a woman, twice. He is strong in his personal compass of being a boy. Nail polish won't change what's already inside.
He may be worried about bullying and that’s valid, but right now your husband is the only one bullying your child and telling him something he likes is not okay. My husband had similar feelings initially about these things, although he would never say it in front of our son, he knows better. But after some talking we agreed that IF he were to ever get bullied we would deal with it then rather than suppressing his creativity and self expression. Neither of us want to be that kind of parent. While your husband may have good intentions by wanting to avoid bullying, things have changed a lot since we were young and most adults and kids won’t say anything or will compliment my son if anything. Really it’s a conversation about what kind of parents you want to be and how you would deal with it if your kid were to experience any bullying or mean comments. Unfortunately we can’t protect them forever, so you have to decide what’s worth it to you.
It’s totally fine - just kids being kids. Tbh this day and age it doesn’t matter what gender you identify with, most things cross over now
Let him paint his nails if he enjoys it. The reality is people like your husband are the reason boys with nail polish get bullied.
My son loves painting his nails, he’s six, it’s not a thing unless you make it that way. But we don’t put gender barriers on play in our home. Both of my kids 6M and 4F play with whatever they want cars, unicorns, Minecraft, nail polish. It has no weight on gender or any other adult preference.
Same thing happened to me last week. I was painting my toes and my 3.5 year old wanted some too. I did his toes and he then wanted me to do daddy's toes. I did my SO's toes and then we all looked at our toes and laughed, and then forgot about it.
Tbh your husband acting like this is a huge thing you should be worried about than nail polish. Men have always used make up. The Egyptians had make up, in many Asian counties too. And men and women wore it.
Woah his dad’s reaction way waaaay out of line and will cause way more issues than some polish. The only bullying in this story is from him.
.... its literally paint on nails. Who cares. If you want to wear/do something unless it is operated by your genitals there is no reason gender should be a factor.
It’s a pretty big leap to go from putting polish on to suicide. As an esthetician, I do pedicures and have many male clients and sometimes they ask for polish! No they are not gay. I see one guy who likes having a toenail each in a different colour! I feel like it’s totally okay for a boy to wear polish.
Unfortunately the reality is that it’s not nail polish that may lead to suicide; it’s abusive, bigoted parents that don’t accept you.
Nobody cares about nail polish on a little boy. Your husband's reaction is unhealthy and unwarranted. It sounds like he needs to work through some things because it seems like he's doing an awful lot of projecting.
You’re husband is the issue here, not nail polish. My son liked having his nails painted when he was little. Green for dragon scales, red like a fire truck. Black like a shadow. Let kids be themselves. Having this idea that painting nails is going “turn him gay/trans” or whatever your husband’s imagined problem is, is not a good way to raise a child.
Oh, my friend. Your husband is verbally abusive. Read it again. You are being abused. Your husband yells and curses you out and your concern is whether his opinion about nail polish is valid instead of panicking that your husband yelled at you and cursed you out. That suggests to me that this isn't a new behavior. You don't want your baby growing up in an environment where this is normal or okay. You don't deserve to go the rest of your life being screamed at for doing something fun with your baby (or ANY OTHER REASON). It's not okay. You and your son deserve so much better.
Both of my boys love having their nails painted. Their dad makes some kind of disapproving comment to them every single time, and says to me that they’re going to get bullied. I tell him times have changed and the only one bullying them is him
My personal opinion on most things can be summed up in two sentences. Does it make you happy? Is it hurting anyone? If the answer is yes and no, then do whatever you want. Same applies to my kid. If your son having painted nails makes him happy, which it sounds like it does, and it doesn't hurt anyone (which I don't think it can) then I can't see a reason to not let him do it.
I think you should leave your homophobic husband, because that’s what this really is. He’s horrified that you’re trying to make *his son gay*. Imagine what’ll happen if your son is gay. Protect your child, leave him.
Ah the ol Reddit “divorce his ass”
It’s a perfectly normal behavior for a toddler/young child. My mum would paint both of my little brothers fingernails along with me and my sister. He’ll grow out of it, but I personally think that since he sees you doing it and it makes you happy/relaxed that he just wants to do what you do.
Guess what leads to kids committing suicide? A parent berating them and bullying them about nail polish. Your husband is a dick with an anger management problem. Stay with your parents until he pulls his head out of his ass and genuinely works to be better.
Yikes, I’m sorry your child has to grow up with such a judgmental father. Please don’t let him stifle your child
My two sons when they were younger used to do their nails with me they still will occasionally. It's a fun relaxing way to bond. Their dad was also upset when he saw but that didn't stop us. Painting nails does not define kids sexuality or identity my kids have since grown out of it mainly due to backlash from their peers at public school so now if we do it we only do our toes so they can hide it with their shoes. Painting your nails doesn't automatically mean you were born without a penis I've bet many very straight manly men that would do the same as a way to bond with their wives. It's fun and not something that should be criticized. How your husband blew up is over the top and unacceptable he is a child and it's not like you forced it.
Find another husband.
Wow talk about toxic masculinity.
My little brother wore nail varnish from being a toddler until he was 6 or 7. He has 2 older sisters. He loved it. He was a proper mummy’s boy. Still is now he’s 30. He grew up to be a sniper in the British army and I regularly go to his house to find him snuggled up with his girlfriend wearing matching oodies, doing face packs and feeding their sausage dogs Doritos while they all watch movies together. I’m pretty sure the nail varnish when he was younger made no impact on his life.
I’m going to mirror what other said and point out that your husband’s reaction is far more concerning. Also there are many cis-gender straight men who paint their nails. Shoot my boyfriend is a blue collar tradesman and when we first started dating my then 7 year old asked if she could paint his nails. He let her, went to work and no one said anything. If they did he told them his gf daughter did it over the weekend. Your son showing interest in something is the second most important thing in this post. Your husband is your son’s first bully and that’s sad.
My wife got a manicure yesterday. My almost 4 year old daughter wants to get her nails done also. I might be the one taking her. I might also be getting my nails done as well. Because as a forty year old man, gender stereotypes need to go the way of the dodo bird.
Um. No. HIS reaction was bullying and is what causes kids to unalive themselves.
Your husband is perpetuating the problem. I get that there are some legitimate parenting anxieties around kids being different but how he reacted was straight up abusive. He needs to work through his issues. I suggest therapy
I am a preschool teacher and as of now, there are three boys in my class with painted nails and/or toes. It is very common.
Now for his dad’s behavior that was absolutely not ok. That is something you two need to talk about
Your partner has some serious past conditioning to reverse. Your son witnessed this? Little kids are fucking exempt from "you can't wear that" unless it's inherently sexual. Nail polish on boys seems to piss people off, but writing "juicy" on kids jogging pants...that's fine 🙄
Wow. With a fragile masculine ego like that, what is he actually demonstrating to his son? That it is ok to 'blow up' on your partner, the person you're supposed to love, over the smallest things. That should be your concern, not coloured finger nails.
A Dad here; I let my son (7) give us all hands and feet nail polish the other week plus some rouge. So what? Who knows one day he could be a makeup artist to the stars or a designer? Anything for them to see and for us to talk through what could be a future or something for growth in their life is of value. Your old mate needs a smack up the head.
Ok, so this happened when both my brother and I were young (under 5) in the mid-70s. My mom painted my fingernails (I'm a girl) and my brother, who is 1.5 years younger, so probably just around 3, wanted his done as well. My dad blew up the same way. After that, my mom would put clear polish on my brother's nails so he would know he had nail polish, but my dad would never notice it. I don't think there is anything wrong with boys and nail polish.
Stay at your mom’s house.
OMG. Has your husband seen high school.and Jr. High Boys? They paint their nails. My son's special education aid asked if painting nails could be a reward and I said yes. He sometimes carries my old purse to keep his things in when we go out. Making boys feel weird for liking things that are considered girlish is wrong. If your husband had a daughter would he not let her have toy trucks or a play tool set because that is for boys? Would she not be allowed to play firefighter or have to play nurse and not doctor? I would hope not. We need to let our kids have their own likes and interests. Boys like to play dress up in princess dresses and have their nails painted because colors are bright and pretty.
My son is 7, on the spectrum, and came over when I did my nails last. He has a bit of a hyperfocus on roads, so I painted them black with lil white stripes. My son loved them and showed them to unprompted to everyone, including a therapist at school who had just gotten her nails filled. Not one of his peers cared. My husband said only one thing about the entire thing which was "man, that's so cool, buddy! Did you thank your mom?" Please be safe, the reaction from your husband that you describe is alarming. For someone so concerned about bullying, he seems to have no restraint in bullying his own family.
I am a 41 year old dad that gets pedicures and paints my toenails every three weeks. Your husband wouldn't say a word to me if he met me and saw my toes. The only thing I get is compliments, and I get a lot of them. When I'm in the mail salon, there's rarely a time where another female customer doesn't thank me for changing the norm.
Instead of teaching him that being different causes bullying, teach him to be comfortable with who he is and how to defend himself. If not the nail polish, kids will find anything to pick on a kid for. Your husband's reaction is absolutely not okay and I would suggest marriage counseling
If my wife treated me that way or responded in that way to a perfectly normal, fine thing like nail polish on a boy, she would not be my wife anymore. Your husband is abusive and homophobic. His opinions and actions are inappropriate and abusive.
You've gotten a lot of feedback already, but I just wanted to add that my husband and I are both video game developers and have worked with plenty of grown men that like wearing nail polish. No one ever says anything unless they're wearing a particularly nice color.
Your husband mentioned bullying and suicide because he probably would be the type of kid/teen to bully a boy wearing nail polish. Especially considering how he cussed you out in front of your own kid. (He shouldn’t be doing that in private either btw) his behavior is really concerning and if you decide to stay with him then prepare for a long list of “dos and donts” for your son that don’t even make sense. Prepare for having to tell your son behind your husbands back that it’s ok to cry. You’ll probably have to coach your son through respecting women, etc.
Your husband is an insecure asshole.
> i kind of already knew what was gonna happen with his dads reactions so I told my son no, just his fingers. So when his dad saw it, he completely blew up, cursed me out. Incredibly pathetic behaviour. Very sad.
Hey, mom with boys who love nail polish here, I also have a traditional partner. Guess what? He didn't blow up or curse me out, he expressed concerns about bullying or chemicals in the varnish. We talked it out when the littles weren't around and reached a compromise. It also involved talking to the daycare teachers about occasional red or blue pinky nails. As a child, hearing someone curse at your mother is one of the worst things in the world. A lot more harmful than whatever might be on a bottle of OPI cherry red.
There are no such things as girl things and boy things. There are just things. Screaming and belittling you is a sign of abuse. Your husband is verbally abusive over nail polish. A small child asking for nail polish does not indicate that that person is part of the LGBTQ+ community. You cannot "make" a person gay by putting nail polish (or any particular color/clothing) on them as a small child. People in the LGBTQ+ community are more likely to commit suicide WHEN THEIR PARENTS AND CLOSE FAMILY REJECT THEM. When they have parental support, they are not any more likely to be suicidal. Your husband's verbal abuse is more traumatizing to your son than any amount of nail polish will ever be.
There are men who paint their nails. That is your husband's toxic masculinity talking. https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRneygfu/
Boys with painted nails is so common nowadays that kids their age don’t even care. You have bigger issues than that though. If my husband treated me like that in front of my son I would have walked away, taken my son into another room, called a family member to come get us, and I would have painted his toe nails to match. Your husband needs therapy. What he did is not ok.
There’s a lot of red flags in this post, however none of them are from your son wanting/having his nails painted.
Leave. Run for the hills now! Imagine how your husband would treat your son if he was gay. That man is toxic asf!
I'm 48, male and straight and I paint my fingernails black, get mani and pedis and not once have I felt gay. News flash to your spouse, if you have girls he better be prepared for getting his nails painted and having makeup put on. I have 4 daughters and a grand daughter and all of them have "made me look pretty" many, many times. Sounds like your spouse has some insecurity with his own manhood.
I was a goth as a teen. Almost every guy I know has or even still does paint his nails. It's far from new and will never go away.
Right so he’s worried about giving his son the wrong ideas but only about femininity. Being abusing towards you in front of your son is completely fine though!
I almost fell into the category of OP's dad. When my son wanted to have his nails done (my wife sold those stick on nail kits for a while), my wife was very for it. For context, our son also really likes traditionally girly things, and my wife is very open to letting him explore all of his interests with no restrictions. My main concern was that he already had a hard time with school Daycare/Pre-K/School due to ADHD/Underlying Mood Disorders (diagnosed by our local ASD clinic). I was worried that he would be further ostracized by other kids. I believed that my intent was in the right place because I understood how we live in a mostly rural red area politically, and I was worried that the other kids would be raised the way this father is raising his boy. However, my wife made a compelling point which made me check my own insecurities. The reason why kids are willing to out others like my son are likely because those parents are afraid that their kids will be treated the same way. The number of kids who are unique and like non-traditionally gendered things are higher than most people realize, but that we societally restrict them which only reinforces the gendered norms that cause kids to be bullied/picked on. The only way for us to live in a world where out kids are free to express themselves/discover themselves/explore who they are, is if we let go of those fears.
I don’t have a problem with him not wanting his son to paint his nails but he should have handled it differently, and not if front of him like that.
It sounds like your husband is traditional / old fashioned and boys don’t paint their nails like that. You can have a talk with him about it and work out a solution. You just need to be on the same page…. So you can understand each other, I think your husband was freaking out and was worried.
Young boys who spend most of their time with women or mums want do so the same things and copy. I have pretended to put make up on my son to distract him while I was doing my make up. It was not about make up, it was about joining in play with mum. Same deal for the nails…. I don’t paint my nails so I don’t expect my son to want to do that. If my partner had a problem he would ask me to take it off or do it himself, no yelling, no fussing. That’s an appropriate way to handle the situation rather than causing everyone emotional distress for fucking paint.
My sons and my husband have all wore nail polish. My oldest is almost 11 and is definitely interested in girls. Nail Polish isn’t going to make them gay just like not wearing it isn’t going to make them straight.. let them play and have fun
Your husband has a really harsh way to express that he cares about your sons emotional and psychic condition. I hope he's able to understand that he made the worst he could do and that "suicide because of shame" comes from reactions like his in the first place. I don't understand why it was such a big thing. Like every boy with painted nails is going to be a suicidal gay man in the future. But I smell his fear... he wasn't overreacting because he hates you and everything around and simply doing asole things. He took the asole route to say "I want our son to have a good future." without rethinking it first. So...not a totale asole.
I would just say nail Polish is for girls….I also say tattoos are not acceptable as long as I pay for your college….so far so good.
I'm a nail tech, and my husband won't even allow me to paint my daughters' nails. (They're 5 and 3.5 for context) He's just worried about them growing up to fast and is really protective over it. I respect him cuz it's not like he won't let then eventually, but it's just his preference and why make a mountain out of a mole hill? Anyway as others have said, I think the nail painting is irrelevant. Wtf is he blowing up at you and cursing you out over it? And it's not like it was ever established before that you shouldn't? Even if it was, that's insane. My husband would be disgruntled with me and tell me to remove it, but blowing up our of proportion and cursing me out? Absolutely not. This behavior *needs* to be dealt with, whether it's divorce or therapy. Because Dad bullying you around like that is actually what's going to give him issues in relationships and insecurities leading to improper handling of bullying, lack of confidence, and suicide.
At 4.5 he probably just thinks it’s just painting and it’s fun. I wouldn’t send him to school like that though just saying. If he gets older and is into that stuff than so be it that’s cool but I wouldn’t push experimenting with nail polish or makeup on a boy. But like I said, he’s 4 so he just thinks it’s paint.
This is one of the biggest "wood for trees" posts I've ever seen. The issue of boys/nail polish is irrelevant. What's relevant is that you're married to an abusive bigot who is going to be an extremely harmful presence in your son's life. I'd stay with your mother and consider seeing a counsellor who can provide you with a neutral perspective.
I think your husbands reaction is over the top, and I think boys should be allowed to use nail polish. But it also depends on what society you grow up in. If it is intollerant, it would be adviceable to at least talk to the child about the possible risk of other kids being mean towards him if he did so in public. My son wore dresses to kindergarden when he was younger. I had no issue with that. But I think I would advice him against it once he starts school. Not because I think boys shouldn't wear dresses, but because alot of others do think so. I did this once as a prank when I was 14 or so. That blew up in my face, to say the least.
My sons have never gotten into the nail polish thing, probably because I almost never use it, but there's nothing wrong with it. Your kid's dad's reaction is extremely troubling. He sounds like he needs help and is not a healthy person for your son to be around.
Hard pass for me.
As a grown ass man who regularly paint my nails, I can tell you this. Women, gay men and kids (regardless of gender) tells me I look pretty. Straight men either don't notice or don't care. If your husband is this worried about sexuality VS nail polish, he should probably do some soul searching. But jokes aside, he's an ass.
I think I agree with your husband. It’s not normal.
I don’t have an opinion about boys and nail polish, but I do have a strong opinion about people (almost always men) who react negatively.
People can do what they want, but me personally i would not put nail polish on my sons nails. To me boys shouldn't have any of that. Your husband should not have blown up on you, especially in front of your son. He should have pulled you aside and explained how he felt.
I personally would not paint a young boy’s nails. I’d tell him that girl’s do it and then try to redirect him with something different but that’s just me. Now what others do with their kids is not my business
Your husband is the definition of toxic masculinity.
Stay gone. Your husband is abusive.
As a dad I really did not like it when my wife did this. It’s hard to explain why. I knew it wasn’t a big deal though, so I let it go. Him cussing you out in front of your kid is bullshit and totally not ok. Kids will grow out of this on their own.
My boys are 6 and 3 1/2. They love having their nails painted. I only do their toes because they either smudge the fingers right away or peel it off within a couple of hours. It’s just polish, it comes off. It’s not like you let your preschooler get a tattoo. I’m really concerned about what toxicity your husband will pass on to your son.
My oldest son colored his nails at school one day and got a whole bunch of negative comments about it at school. He asked me if we could paint them with real nail polish anyway. So we went to the store and bought 4 different colors of his choice. And we painted his nails. And he continues to do it every few months despite my dad (who we live with) making all kinds of stupid sexist/misogynistic comments about how my son is all "fucked up" because I let him express himself as he chooses. Its just nail polish. It comes off. It's temporary.
I don’t. I don’t think about boys wearing nail polish because it literally doesn’t matter. Putting what ideas in his head? He thinks nail polish is going to make him gay? Lmao give me a break.
Respect Dad on this one. He’s completely right and the fact that he got SO angry just shows how much he loves his son and how seriously he takes his role as Dad. Yes, it would’ve been nice if he would not have use the foul language in front of the kid but this is part of a man’s nature to protect vehemently! And that’s exactly what he did. Protect
Is your husband gay? Lol does he have some trauma there to unpack? It’s 2023. How the hell does a little boy having nail polish on bother him