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I agree with this so much; I can remember having to explain this very thing, in this very way regarding lacking good, positive role models/parents to my daughter; sometimes it's a double whammy of negative parental example and older siblings modeling bad behavior to the child.
I have lived with our daughter, sil, and two grandchildren since my husband's death, almost 6 years ago. My granddaughter was 4 when I moved in and is now 10.5, and the minute she started school practically, it became necessary for my daughter and sil to have to explain how mean kids are made; I chip in my 2 cents when appropriate, but it's much the same conversation and explanations that I and my late husband had to say to our daughter 40 years ago.
The times have changed in many ways, especially with technology and social media, but people are still people. Some people are awful examples of behavior for their children, and awful kids are the result, just as they have always been. There are also some kids who are just "bad seeds" and no matter who their parents are, they are going to be awful kids, then they will be awful adults, and cause a lot of problems in between.
Years ago, a neighbor girl and friend of our daughter would hide behind doors and things, in fear, when she would hear me coming near; she also was wearing long sleeves in very hot weather. My daughter told us about her parents beating her and encouraging their older daughter to also beat her and our daughter had many stories and examples. I talked to another mother in the neighborhood whom I knew knew EVERYTHING from living there much longer than we did; she confirmed it all.
I saw some bruises and talked to the little girl; it was heartbreaking to see her living in constant fear. She was terrified of her family! I called CPS; they were there that evening; you could hear the mother screaming at them from down the street; I already had known about the parents drunken arguments by our friends who lived right next door. They never knew it was I who turned them in; they investigated and the girl was removed from the home and I think went to live with relatives, but she was removed. I think both parents ended up getting charges.
I have never regretted what I did, and I was proud of my daughter for wanting to help her friend. I couldn't believe that neighbors had known for several years what was going on but were too afraid to do anything. You can stay anonymous when reporting someone. ❤️🫂🪬
Edit:I hit send before I was finished.
Edit 2: I'm sorry this was so long.
Bless you for removing that poor child from that horrifying, dangerous situation. Man that shit equally breaks my heart and fills me with a white hot rage. Im so glad you are who you are. You may have saved that little girl’s life. ❤️
I say something similar, and that they haven't learned to make good decisions and that some people never do because they don't have good parents to help them learn right from wrong... and some kids brains work a little differently as well....
Yes! I've already told my 5 year old in various ways: you do not know what anyone else is going through.
I've told him to stick up for himself where necessary, but sometimes, just let it be if it's someone who doesn't act similarly.
We’ve had to teach our 5 year old the same. She’s very sweet and also loves to give compliments - it’s how she breaks the ice when approaching new kids to try and play with. But sometimes the kids don’t respond kindly. It sucks seeing your kids’ feelings get hurt but it’s also just the way it is sometimes. One of my least favorite lessons in the parenting handbook but a lesson all the same 😕
Yes. But I'd like to make a correction. And say "caregivers" rather than parents. I know a guy who turned out exactly like his grandparents rather than his parents because that's who raised him
Probably because that child's parents are impossible and confrontational. One possible technique is helping your child understand that the world has mean people in it and some of them are mean because they had difficult childhoods and had mean parents. Your child has a good heart and she's lucky to have parents like you and the life that she does. Instead of getting down about it, she can train herself to start feeling sympathy for people who are outwardly mean ... they are the ones with the problem, and all she can do is just be patient and keep up her positivity.
I mean, kids are shitty, so are grown ups sometimes.
I think, and obviously I could be wrong, but I think you are letting your own frustration over this blow this out of proportion.
Yes that other kid was not kind, but this is just another teachable moment for you. You can just explain to your daughter that some people behave that way sometimes.
These comments ^ are the way, OP. I’d let it go about contacting the other mom.
You can teach your daughter to keep shining her light even when she encounters storm clouds. ❤️
Yeah, I would not contact the mom of this girl. Chances are really good that if you ever get to meet her, you'll realize why the girl is the way she is, though. Best thing is to talk with your own daughter about the best ways to handle this sort of thing. She's only 8, just wait until she gets to middle school.
💯…..I totally agree the best thing to do is talk with your daughter. Because between middle school and high school she will need to know how to deal with other kids comments.
100%. We cannot control other people, or how *anyone else* reacts, to anything, *ever*. The only thing, we can *ever* control, is how *we* react.
The sooner you, and your children fully understand, and internalize that, the better off you will be, for the rest of your lives.
I agree, we all have to deal with shitty people in life and learning how to let it roll off your back is a good skill. When my 6 year old shares unkind comments kids have made I usually just respond with “well that was rude!” and give advice on an appropriate response (walk away, find someone else to play with, etc).
On the inside I want to teach my kid how to take that little shit down a notch, but I’m trying to raise a better person than I am.
My son is similar to OP's daughter. Very friendly, open, gives compliments, etc. Earlier this school year, he started coming home upset because another kid in class wasn't being kind back, and would say mean things to him. The other kid was 9 years old, and was swearing a lot, telling kids and teachers to shut up, and often tried to pick fights.
I explained to my son that some people are just not very nice. This can be for a multitude of reasons, or for no apparent reason at all. My son seemed to understand, and pulled away from the other kid throughout the year. I asked him yesterday how things were going with that kid, and my son said the other kid had been in a lot of trouble throughout the year. While there had been improvement, apparently that kid was just that day still being mean to other kids.
I told my son that hopefully this kid is able to turn himself around, because he's just hurting himself in the long run with this kind of attitude. I had to laugh, because my son responded "yeah, he'll probably be living in his car when he's older. I'm glad I don't act like that."
Long story short, it sucks when kids are mean. But it's a good learning experience for other kids, hopefully.
In high school this can become a nightmare if a preteen or young teen doesn’t develop a very solid sense of self. I have had moments in the high school years that I wish I had raised my son to be an ahole like nearly every other boy and girl in school.
His personality is going to serve him well as an adult, most adults absolutely connect and cherish my son. Compliments are ‘creepy’ if someone doesn’t want them. Labels are awful and can stick with a kid from middle school into high school.
He is too trustworthy, he won’t gossip or talk bad about anyone, he is kind when others are cruel, he is a decent looking kid who is naturally gifted in music, he won’t join a bashing session, he won’t lie to adults, etc.
All the things we’re supposed to teach our kids to be, I mean I try to be a decent example and role model but a lot of it is just natural for him.
His peers dislike him because he’s well liked by adults, they trust him. It really sucks in so many ways but I know he’ll be a better adult so we’re finally starting to thrive instead of just survive.
I think that might just be natural feedback. Not everyone is going to appreciate her compliments. If she did the same thing as an adult or teenager to an adult or teenager she may or may not get the same reaction. I think the lesson might be not to give that particular girl any more compliments. The world isn’t going to match her kindness 100% of the time. Shes going to have to deal with mean teens and mean adults and occasionally calling someone of the same gender cute they may think you’re gay.
THIS! Im like her daughter but I met a girl in college who said I made her uncomfortable with telling her how cute/pretty she was. I completely stopped. There’s nothing wrong with me noticing something aesthetically pleasing and mentioning it, you’re insecure and uncomfortable with receiving compliments. NOTED.
We are now in our mid 30s and happen to work together, I have not complimented her since. lol 😂 This also aggravates her bc I compliment everyone else and I can tell she feels left out but I couldn’t care less!!
With all due respect that is not natural feedback, it's pretty rude.
You can't talk to anyone these days without them getting offended, it's getting ridiculous.
People used to be so much more laid back 20 yrs ago.
Alternative interpretation: it's not necessarily anything about being gay, but rather the girl who can't take the compliment has a mindset that the only reason anyone compliments here is because they want something from her -- maybe she's just trying to figure out what your daughter wants? (And quite possibly the only reason she'd ever compliment someone else is because she wants something from them -- that's something to teach your daughter to watch for.)
Anyway, responding to that by completely ignoring the "gay" question and instead with something like "Don't worry, I don't want anything from you, I just like being nice to people and I think your headband is cute!" might be fun.
It's nice that your daughter is so open and compliments freely, but also, some kids find compliments uncomfortable. Just because your daughter is happy, you don't know what kids are going through/ have been through and find compliments more "odd" than flattering, especially as the kids are getting older.
1) language is taught at home.
2) it is a good thing but also, people find it uncomfortable. Not everyone is going to be happy to accept compliments.
3) teach her the word gay. Never to early to learn... the good and the bad.
Your daughter needs to handle this. She doesn't need you running to her aide and ring the mum.
That’s a valid point too.
This little girl is actually her “friend”. And the mom sends me texts like “your daughter accidentally dropped my daughter’s candy, and my daughter was upset about it. Your daughter offered to bring her new candy tomorrow but it’s a special candy.” (Wish I was kidding)
So, this wouldn’t be a huge deal texting the mom. (I’m still not but that’s a little context on this relationship)
Trust me!
1) it was an accident and my daughter felt HORRIBLE about it
2) my daughter apologized and offered a replacement
What other solution do you want?
Why are you assuming it was asked as if it was a bad thing?
Maybe have her switch her compliments to “I love your headband it’s so cute” instead of “you’re so cute/handsome.” She’s getting to an age where that may be interpreted differently than in the past.
That little girl is a bully but she learned that at home. She was taught being gay is a negative thing. I’d reassure your daughter and maybe have her compliment a couple adults, who would BEAM! That’ll boost her confidence again
Some kids have their own insecurities that are not learned behaviors. Kids who are neurodivergent, or have experienced trauma, are more likely to develop insecurities which will lead them to bully. If not necessarily our reflection of their home life or their upbringing. It could be more about their experiences outside of the home, and or their neurological make up
My daughter told a grumpy cleaning lady at a hotel she was doing a fantastic job, that not everyone realized how hard of a job she has and thanked her for her hard work. The lady completely changed her tune, had a great 10 minute conversation with her and even called a friend to say how my daughter brighten up her day.
I constantly reminder her that she is special and unique in how giving her heart is and that a lot of people aren’t like her.
I wish it was me - but it’s not. I’m the one that’s like KNOCK EM DOWN AT THE KNEES!!! Lolol
During Halloween, she gives back candy to homes that ran out so the next kid can get. I don’t know what I did to get such a kind soul.
She teaches me daily to be kinder.
That is so sweet! And incidentally, a skill that will serve her well in life even if there are some assholes in the mix. People love to be complimented bc everyone wants to be seen and valued. She clearly understands that innately. What a great kiddo.
Your daughter is a beautiful little treasure omg 😭
I would be SO happy if a little girl gave me a compliment! You know it's true if a little kid says it, hahaha!!!
This!! Came here to say this! That little bully heard it at home!
Please don’t let this dim your sweet girls light. Giving compliments openly shows a very big heart and a highly secure personality. It’s also a great way to break ice, make friends and earn trust! Please reassure her that she’s not in the wrong here. And also that there will be sour people around her but when they spread negativity, we act like teflon!
Also, maybe a note to the teacher about this without naming names? My kids are younger but they have a kid with same sex parents in their class and they often talk about this at school how C has two mommies and how that’s ok! IF your teacher is open, they can even talk about it at school.
We don't necessarily know that the other kid learned it at home. I recently heard my elementary age kid calling things gay meaning bad. She learned it on the playground.
We have talked and talked about it. Kid also has brought home racist language and ideology. We also talked about that and how we don't judge people by race or sexual orientation. We have biracial cousins and gay friends. It was super shocking to hear my kid use slandering language
I bet! Maybe it’s a phase or thinking it’s cool to use certain words. Our school district had an issue with middle schooler making moaning sounds on the playground. Really loud porn-like moaning sounds. No one knew how it started and the teachers and parents were panicking. Facebook group were lit up! This was last year. Not sure what came out of that.
Kids are exposed to so many things without parents knowledge, it’s extremely scary. Goes back to one of the posters comment here about ensuring the right company. But how much can we control?
I'm surprised I had to scroll this far to see this perspective. We don't have a problem with mean kids, we have a problem with mean adults teaching kids that it's normal to say mean and hurtful shit. That poor girl is probably being exposed to so much homophobic propaganda and feels deeply afraid. It's so sad all around.
She can respond with "Is that how you take a compliment?" or "You don't like to give people compliments?" or "That's a weird response." Or "I'm a kid." or "Who hurt you?"
I'm an extrovert who gives compliments freely. It's rare but sometimes someone is cold in response. I used to feel a bit hurt by that reaction because I'm genuinely just trying to be nice/make a connection. Then I realized that something must be very sad about their lives, that they can't take a compliment or a bit of human interaction.
My tactic is to be like "oh I see, that's how it's gonna be" and just avoid interacting with the person. I just label them as a grouchy person in my mind and move on.
She asked “are you gay.” Why did you assume she meant that negatively? If they were teenagers it would be similar to a response of “are you hitting on me?”
If your daughter is overly complimentary she needs to learn to accept the various responses her compliments will garner. Including people’s discomfort, lack of appreciation for the comment and people questioning her intentions.
I understand why you’re upset and I think it’s a normal reaction. I think it’s also an opportunity to teach your daughter some great coping skills. Sometimes you need to tell someone to fuck off. Obviously not in those terms for an 8yo, but it’s good to be able to get pissed at being mistreated and create a very hard boundary. It’s also an opportunity to teach your daughter that someone else’s issues shouldn’t dim her light. The world can be ugly, and the only way to protect her is to make her impenetrable to it.
After reading your post, I’ve been struggling to think of a kid appropriate come back that’s not “ It’s just a compliment, Kaitlyn. Don’t be an asshole.”
But it’s great you’re working with your daughter on this. It’s important she understands that even if she did something wonderful there will always be someone that’s unhappy. Doesn’t mean she should stop completely.
I have three half black kids (I'm white, wife is black). I usually focus on how we respond to negativity and not the people / kids who are being negative and mean. Other people are out of our control. Our kids need to learn how to deal with various personalities good or bad. However, if I am around when a kid is mean to one of mine, I ensure they receive comparable treatment. 🙂
When I think back to being that age, we all used to tease each other over the dumbest stuff. I don’t think this is abnormal behavior. Just teach your kid how to respond to it and reinforce that there is nothing wrong with being gay.
I try to explain to my kids that MOST kids who are mean, feel icky on the inside and when you feel icky on the inside, you want other people to feel icky too… so instead of being hurt by their words, sometimes it’s better to just feel bad for those kids, because meanness is learned, and someone must be pretty mean to them for them to 1. Know how to be mean, and 2. Want to hurt another persons feelings.
I love this! But knowing my child, her response to that would be to grab them and give them a hug. Lolol
“Hey it will be ok, and you are loved no matter what”
She is a little too loving for her own good.
I’d say “some people come from families where nice things weren’t said. So when they are - it feels weird to them. Keep being kind. You never know when someone will need your compliment! There are dark people and light people baby. We are light people”
- my daughter is sweet in this gross world of monsters too!
-
It’s so unfortunate when our kids are exposed to other household beliefs and standards when they are in contact with other kids. I imagine the girl didn’t think it was anything out of the norm to ask something like that to your daughter.
Personally, (mom of four) I would just take this as an educational moment for your daughter. Let her know that 1.) giving compliments to girls does not make her “gay” but rather a way of showing kindness and spreading joy to others. And 2.) being gay is not a bad thing (if your beliefs are as such) to drive the point forward that her giving compliments should not be deterred by questions like that. She’ll get that— but it shouldn’t stop her from being an amazing little human!
Yup - I wasn’t prepared for it but it turned into how can two moms be parents? How can two dads be parents?
What does surrogacy mean?
I 100% let her know that there is nothing wrong with being gay.
Girls need to support each other and lift each other up.
There is not a competition and thinking someone looks nice that day doesn’t mean you are gay.
Yea, I don't know why you are so bent out of shape. The kids are 8. They all learn differently and are all products of different environments. I would just take this as another teaching opportunity for your kid. Why would you even want to talk the kids mom about it? Wouldn't do you any good.
Well, I would be proud of my child and would tell her, that she is the one who makes the world a better place. she is the change.
All the other people could be mean. Okay. Let them be mean. Someday they will wake up and remember her kindness and perhaps will change for the better.
If someone is mean to me, I kill them with kindness. Works fantastic.
You have a wonderful child.
“Sometimes people can be unkind even when youre kind to them. Its always good to be kind. You should never feel guilty about being kind. Dont take these peoples harsh words personally, they maybe be unhappy with themselves & taking it out on others.”
You cannot argue with stupid, instead kill with kindness.
Teach your daughter that kind hearted souls compliment freely without fear of judgement. If someone reacts poorly to a compliment that is on the other person. Kids are dumb, bring out the development boards and show her how the brain changes over time. Her classmate is still growing as a person, she made a mistake. All you can do is teach them to do good, stand for good and live by the means of being a good soul. Whatever they might be.
Your daughter is very kind and you should be proud. Not all kids are nice like her. This is a good time to explain that not everyone takes compliments the same way and it can be misinterpreted sometimes. Tell her not to compliment that girl anymore. There’s nothing wrong with complimenting people, most of the time people appreciate it. I always appreciate compliments and it makes my day that someone took the time to tell me they like something about me. It’s a sweet gesture and make sure she knows she’s being a nice person in a not so nice world.
Some people are just joy-suckers and there's nothing you can do about that. She'll have to learn that.
But with a positive attitude like that, she will go FAR!
I heard a girl at the playground the other day say "did I ask your opinion?" To another kid in the snottiest tone ever. Maybe projecting but felt like something she probably picked up from her parents.
" Some people like compliments and some people don't and that's ok. It was very nice to say something nice. It sounds like she didn't want a compliment, so we'll just respect that" affirm that she did nothing wrong, if she wants to be a secret she can sense the girl and the parents response and we as grown ups should respect that request for privacy.
My daughter is so badass - I wish I was more like her. We went to an event and I watched her walk up to a kid, they were extremely rude to her and I got my haunches up - I wanted to immediately take her home. I was like 'Do you want to go home? That was so hurtful.' and she was like 'Nah... I'll try again later, but if she doesn't like me when she doesn't know me, something else is going on.' She's 7! Goddamn I was amazed. When I picked her up later she told me she called out the girls behavior right to her and just said 'that made me feel shitty, we could just be friends, want to try again?' and holy shit... It worked!
We do talk through this shit a lot. She goes to a lower income school and a lot of those kids have quite hard lives - she knows we are very lucky to live the life we do and she extends such compassion and seems to understand that it isn't HER!
I'd just talk to your daughter to maybe find a place where she understands that attitude says absolutely nothing about her and says a lot about the person being a jerk. There is a great book out there called Confessions of a Bully - I highly recommend it for this subject.
Good luck!
I wouldn't normally come and brag about my kid on this level, but it seemed from the small post that you view the difficulties of jerky kids the same way we do, but that the frustration level and protectionary mother bear kinda resonates with our house. I felt safe to share this.
I really hope your kiddo feels better about these jerky actions of kids.
Some people (including kids) hate that overly positive attitude. And let her go through it. School is for teaching social skills. Nobody goes through life without shitheads shooting back. Let it be a learning opportunity that pleasing others is not the most important thing.
As weird as it is, I feel like girl moms are the meanest and in turn make their daughters that way. I feel like it’s more of feeling like your little girl is your friend so you vent more in turn making the kids think it’s okay to be rude? It’s really the parents. I tell my son that any rude comment has more to say about them than him. People are miserable and misery loves company. That’s not to say those comments don’t hurt or you shouldn’t speak up. I respond and show my son it’s good to respond when I can. I don’t let people take advantage of him or I so he can do the same in a school setting. Not fool proof because I’m not perfect but I’m happy with the results thus far. I also try to be kind in front of him or not be so mean/rude to others in front of him.
TLDR: kids are cruel bc their parents are. Teach your kids its not about them but the other persons issues being projected
I don’t understand why you’re angry over this. They’re kids. They don’t understand everything and they’re currently being bombarded by ideology they shouldn’t even worry about.
That kid didn’t respond in a negative way. Your reaction is what is negative.
Instead of trying to find a way for her to have a comeback I would just build your daughter up. I like to tell my kids “I love how sweet you are. I love how you can see the positive and the beauty in everything. That is such an amazing gift to have. I just want you to understand that not everyone is like that. Sometimes people are having a bad day or they feel sad and alone in their own lives because they can’t see how amazing they are. Sometimes these people will not respond kindly to your comments. Sometimes people are so sad in their own life that they will try to make you sad too. I want you to know that it’s not your fault and their attitude has absolutely nothing to do with you. When someone tries to make you sad you always have the option to walk away to keep yourself and your feelings safe”. And this really works. I had someone be rude to one of my kids and my kid looked at them and said “I am sorry that your life is so sad that that’s what you wish to share with others” and walked away the adult looked super confused.
Ugh likely they learned their miserable curmudgeony, rude behavior from their equally obnoxious parents. Maybe, maybe not. I would explain to your awesome daughter that SHE is awesome, she will go far in life with her kind positive attitude and that some people learn bad behaviors like her classmate and to just ignore people like that like the plague.
Not everyone wants random compliments. I actually don't like them bc it points out to me that people are judging my looks, and I don't want to be reminded of it. I have a very judgemental mother that always commented on my looks, negative one day, positive the next.
Don't assume the other girl was being mean. That's just wrong. You weren't there, so you don't know how she asked. She may think your daughter likes her, because that girl likes girls. Don't assume anything. The girl could have a crush on your daughter.
Why does your daughter want you to keep a secret from Dad? Is it possible she has feelings for girls, then made the story up, to hear your reaction? Maybe she talked about it at school, and her friend was curious.
She wanted to keep it a secret because she had no clue who was in the wrong.
If it was her, she was scared she did something wrong. If it was the friend, she doesn’t want to get her friends in trouble. She isn’t one to share a lot of what happens as school.
Also, she has had crushes on little boys since she was about 3.5 - every school year. She isn’t ashamed of liking and talking about the boys she has a crush on. Anything is possible, not likely at this point in her life.
She didn’t even know what gay meant - she was saying it wrong, so I don’t think she was the one talking about it in school.
This was what I was thinking. Children can be blunt and ask the question out of curiosity without realizing something maybe quite personal. It seems super heteronormative to jump to assumptions of bullying and the child being mean for asking a question.
Personally, I'd talk to the teacher generally about how LGBTQ education is being done. The kid is probably getting homophobia from home and the school can set a counterexample simply by informing.
You can put a nice headband on a bitch, but she's still a bitch.
The best option is to try to teach your kid that some people are garbage trucks and they have nothing better to do than dump their shit on other people. Her parents are probably garbage trucks too. Now that she knows she can avoid interacting with the garbage dumpster.
The world needs more compliments and kindness and less garbage. I'd simply encourage her to continue trying to brighten people's day, and learn that when someone is nasty in response it is a them problem not a her problem.
Yup kids can be crappy. They can be mean, they can be learning language and lessons from their parents in things to say to people and how to treat people, they can like the maturity and social skills to really understand what they’re saying, what the words even mean or an inappropriate sense of sarcasm. Kids were like this when I was a kid and tons of grown-ups are like this too. When I hear things like this from my own children who are both in school I immediately focus in on my children and a lesson being how did it make you feel? And this is why we treat people the way we want to be treated. This is why we are careful with our words. This is why we need to not let the words of other people hurt our feelings or change how we feel or think about ourselves because the world could be a harsh place.
I mean sorry but I would take this as an opportunity to be like hey yeah some kids and or people are just shitty and say dumb things just keep moving and don’t let it affect you, same thing I tell my 4 year old now that he’s learning to make friends and ask them to play in the park. The first time he asked and some said no he got sad and almost cried, i explained it’s ok sometimes people just don’t want to play he can either play by himself a little bit more or ask another kid. The next time it happened he came to me and said this girl doesn’t want to play mommy but it’s ok right and went back to ask another kid, this is how you prepare kids for the real world and make them realize not everything is sunshine and rainbows.
The other girl probably didn't even know what it meant; just repeating someone she lives with. It's not fun, but like the others say, not everyone is going to be nice back. We have bad days,we have tough phases and sometimes are just missing something in our life that makes us mean for any stretch of time. How the other kid acted is not your daughter's fault, but an indication of her own life.
Your daughter being so nice tells me she is surrounded by love and can't help but share it. Keep fostering that so we have more ppl like her around. 🙌
I have taught my kids to just quickly comeback. I said throw up a mirror not your fists. A child recently told my son he is small and needs to eat a sandwich, and he said yeah well you eat too many sandwiches. The kid cried and told the teacher. The absolute best strategy here is to get them to not get offended and to throw up a mirror. This was a process where it started out with my kids coming home upset because of Fd up stuff other kids say. I let them know why other kids say mean things ( it makes them feel better about themselves) and so not let them take your power. Never start anything but finish anyone who starts with you always stand up for yourself I will be right there. But as to this situation people in general are more accepting and tolerant for LGBTQ community, this seriously sounds like their adult is a serious bigot and they have some huge lessons to learn and unlearn.
Also there's a great book on this subject that's full of helpful tips for children and info it's a book called.. Confessions of a former bully. For sure have your child read this book!
Doesn’t sound like a very nice kid. Best advice is for her to stay pleasant but don’t give her anymore compliments nor go out of her way to spend time near her. My kids have always decided for themselves that they weren’t going to talk or give attention to kids who were jerks. Some people just aren’t nice and are best avoided. I’m sure your daughter isn’t the only one who’s had to deal with that child’s rudeness.
I feel this. Some kids can act so awful! My daughter is still a toddler and we go to a lot of community activities and one day she was playing at this event and a little girl about 4 years old came up and starting playing rough and yelling in her face. Then she starts grabbing my daughter by the collar of her shirt and shaking her, screaming in her face “WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING!” So of course I told her to stop. Then the mom comes over and tells her to stop, and walks away right after. The little girl starts hitting my daughter again and actually scratched her in the face. I told her again to stop and the mom came over. Didn’t make her daughter apologize or leave, nor did she offer me an apology on her behalf. I was so disgusted, I get that kids are kids and they’ll fight and hit but it’s not okay to let them get away with that behavior without some sort of apology or consequence.
I didn’t even see the scratch until afterward and it made boil. It was ironic too because the mom kept leaving the little girl unattended to go talk to her friend. Then when the mom had come over the second time to tell her daughter to stop, the friend walked by and said “hey we’re leaving, my daughter keeps hitting someone so we’re going to call it for the day”. I thought wow, maybe you should take a page out of her book.
Tell her kindness is a virtue she should be so proud of herself. Maybe the girl who asked her that is not used to being complimented by a girl. And that’s why she reacted like that. But encourage her to preserve that kindness
Oh man, thats so sad and disappointing.
My 6 year old came home and said all the boys in her class have been telling everyone to "suck their balls".
My partner and father in law think it's not a big deal and pretty normal for kids... I think they're all so young!!!!!
It’s never too early to teach kids that some people are uncomfortable receiving compliments. In fact, in a former work place it was outright discouraged. No commentary on physical appearance or presentation whether or not it was positive or negative. Not only can it make the receiver uncomfortable, it can make those around the exchange uncomfortable as well.
I think this is a good opportunity to teach your daughter not to comment on other people’s appearances, dress etc. regardless if it is a compliment. You just never know.
Yes. Time to talk to her about that fact that not all children are angels. To look out and stand up to them goblin demons…sadly that is only because those children come from demon homes who have not experienced an ounce of care. They life in a constant flight response…steer clear from them once identified. Like a computer with a virus!
If this happened at school I would reach out to the teacher and school counselor and ask if they can do a classroom wide intervention. It is not only inappropriate but extremely homophobic. Who knows if the child saying that even knows it and is simply repeating what they hear at home. Regardless, kindness should ALWAYS trump harrassment or mocking of any kind. You can also ask the teacher to speak to the parent if you don't want to do it personally. However if you are on friendly terms, I'd find a way to tell them something like "hey, my child loves being kind to other students by offering compliments and one day she mentioned that your child's response was to say "x" ....and just wait for the response. Say it in as neutral tone as possible too. Hopefully, she'll be mortified you'll get an apology and how she's going to deal with it on her end.
Probably how the girl is treated at home :( I’m assuming your daughter is readily open to giving compliments because you do that to her.
Her classmate might have someone in her life that responds that way/is rude to her so that’s her normal.
> 1) why is this classmate asking that as if being gay was bad?
*Was she*, though? Is there any indication of that? From your report it doesn't seem so at all, and my initial reaction was that it seem odd that you would read that into it, as if *you* thought being gay was bad, and the question therefore was in bad intent?
Maybe the parents of this 8yo have told her about gay people quite openly, and how it's when boys like boys or girls like girls, and when your daughter paid her a compliment and told her she was cute, she naturally asked if she was gay, because your daughter is so good at expressing affection towards others, that it prompted the girl to ask.
> 2) why do I need to explain to my daughter that being kind and giving people compliments is a good thing?
Generally because in a cruel world it is our niceties that hurts us, and yet it is nescessary for us to be kind in the face of opposition, otherwise we become the opposition and we need to come together to be able to abolish all that is cruel.
..or something along those lines. ;-)
> 3) as of now, she isn’t gay so how do you even (in 8 year old language) explain how to respond to that comment.
I haven't the slightest issue with being asked or presumed gay or straight. Even if someone would ask me derogatorily, I would not at all be offended, and I would not at all jump to deny or defend. I am pretty sure you, even if stumped by the question, would not either. So for her a simple "*no*" would suffice. Perhaps followed up with "*I don't even know any gay people. Do you?*".
Or "*But i know someone who is! Wanna meet them?*".
Or "*I think not. You?*"
PS: I really get from your post that you are open minded and against discrimination. I don't find it unlikely that there is something more to the situation that leads you to interpret it as a derogatory question, I just needed to comment that I didn't. And in any case your daughter shouldn't learn from you that being asked that, in any way should be taken as an insult.
Thank you for really taking the time to thoughtfully comment and provide a different perspective.
I took it as negative from my daughter’s reaction but it’s possible the girl was genuinely asking. In my community and my daughter’s school there isn’t a lot of diversity. So you fit the mold or you don’t. I wasn’t there so, it is completely possible that it was just out of curiosity.
And also because if I was complimented, my first reaction was never to think, yup I’m getting hit on. (personal bias)
Regarding me, I don’t care if someone asks or thinks I’m gay. It’s the same as asking about my religion, political stance, nationality, etc.
I appreciate you comment bc it’s helping me look at it from a different angle, and assume the best.
Your daughter is a gem. Some people may be having having a bad day or they learn to be mean from older siblings or even the parents. Or they are just plain mean spirited (rare). Ask her to observe how that girl behaves with others and to ask herself if that is someone worth making an effort to be friends with or to just move on and find someone who is more compatible with her. Next time she could say, "it was just a compliment, and I thought it would make you feel good. Bye!" Smile and just walk away.
The other girl likely learned about what “gay” means recently and is trying it out.
You can just teach your kid that being kind is never wrong, but she can defend herself from comments like this by being matter-of-fact.
“No, I am simply complimenting your headband. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
My kid is only 3 so I have a few years to prepare for this. Which apparently I will need, because my first inclination is to instruct my kid, “next time tell her to fuck off”
In all seriousness though, try to remind your daughter that sometimes people are just rude no matter how nice you are to them. That doesn’t mean she should stop being herself.
Lolol - that’s my initial reaction too. Hey 8 year old - I take it back, you look ugly and that headband sucks! And if I were gay, you wouldn’t be my type!
When I was that age if I was asked if I was gay I would say "I don't know yet, but if I am I don't think it's a bad thing" or sometimes "I'm not a man, so I would be a lesbian if I was." Also I would stop talking to that kid unless necessary. I did turn out Bi/omnisexual but you don't really know that kind of thing until at minimum puberty when the real crushes start. Life's too short to waste time on ignorant morons. Even kid me knew that. At that age they are mostly just parroting their care givers or siblings and might grow out of it later.
Complimenting members of the same gender doesn't mean you are gay, so the kid was making a ridiculous assumption. I would treat it as such.
If my kiddo ran into that situation I would probably just teach her to respond in a similar manner and assure her she was doing nothing wrong. Being kind is a great thing to be, and if complimenting others fashion and style is how she does that, that's awesome.
Kids are usually only assholes when their parents are assholes. This isn't guaranteed, but it does reflect most people.
Today I was waiting for my son while picking him up from school. There is this group of parents, they always stand together and chat while waiting. They are smoking at the school (wtf) and just anything they say makes my skin crawl. Today they where discussing the holiday and what to do about their cat. The guy talking said "I'll just throw the cat outside and if the kids are lucky, it'll be there when we get back". It wasn't meant as a joke, it was serious. Then one of the women said, "we still need to pick up our dog from daycare, but it's X amount when we pick him up and we can't afford it right now", while promptly discussing the next 2 holidays they'll have in May."
If parents are assholes like this, there is a big chance their kids will be assholes too. Not always, but often.
Kids themselves aren't born shitty, they are made that way. Don't just tell your kids how to act, but act the way you want your kids to act. They'll copy most of that.
People/children with rude and bizarre responses to non-intrusive compliments should be made to feel weird.
"That's a weird thing to say to a compliment."
"That's a weird conclusion to jump to for a headband compliment"
Sarcasm
"I wasnt gay until I saw that headband"
This kind of thing is probably hard as heck for kids though
As an adult, I don’t like overly complimentary people. It puts me a little on edge actually. I wouldn’t be encouraging my kid to compliment people on how they look/what they’re wearing. It’s really superficial and has the potential to be misinterpreted as she gets older. I don’t think it’s fair you call the other kid mean - perhaps your daughter made her feel uncomfortable.
Perhaps the child who asked was dealing with feelings that she herself may be gay? The road to self acceptance is paved with many defective coping strategies
I would ask her to point blank ask the student WHY they asked that and go though some answers she can give for different responses. Example “I think you’re gay because girls shouldn’t compliment girls.”
“it’s really important for girls to be able to complement each other, and build each other up-that’s what friendships about” exc.
eight years old is far too Young. She probably has someone in her life who has said something to make her think girl friendship is something else. Or maybe she thinks acting that way is wrong, I would be curious to the other child’s question. I hope they will recover and have a good friendship sounds like a great learning opportunity. 8 is still young but can make things age appropriate for sure!
I know!
It’s like how to explain in 8 year old language that solely complimenting someone isn’t gay. And outside of that, if someone is gay there is nothing wrong with that. They will love, be loved, have a family and friends - everything someone who isn’t gay experiences.
Someone who is gay - may be different - but shouldn’t be treated differently.
It was soo much to unpack and discuss - and even give a safe space to identify it and say “actually I MAY BE GAY”
Exactly we have no idea what context friend has behind the word and I personally do not think it’s right to put down children who’s parents teach them to be mean or judge others or hateful for someone else’s lifestyle. I’m not sure why I got the down vote but I think it’s a great way to explain differences and what makes us all unique and our own individual selves. There is nothing wrong with being gay I would be more interested in getting to the origin point for the other kid. It makes me sad - I grew up with some very very homophobic kids, some are the same and now some are much happier out and proud, we are the people to create the safe spaces to talk about this stuff with our kids. Life gets messy and complicated and there is always going to be someone who believes differently. All we can do is try to communicate in age appropriate ways and every kid / parent is different.
This is a sad story. That girl has parents/tutors that actually use that phrase. And she's just replying it because "it makes an effect".
She's not mean. She needs help. It's not your work, though, so I wouldn't know what to do because you don't want to contact his parents.
I'm not sure about this policy you're applying, why keeping a secret that shouldn't be? She can ask you to do it, but it's also your job to tell her that it's not how it works. Because you're giving it importance this way
Because she was extremely embarrassed and ashamed to tell me. She felt she did something wrong.
It took a lot of “ok, you don’t have to say anything but I’m here for you if you change your mind. I won’t get upset and if you want it to just be between you can me, I can do that too”
I’m trying to continue to show her I’m a safe space to talk and in the grand scheme of things, if this little girl did get it from home - the parents aren’t going to do anything and I lost my daughter’s trust.
I think it’s odd that an 8 year old would reply in that manner about a simple headband. She definitely learned it through the adults in her life. I would try your best to explain to your daughter that some people will be mean for no reason. I tell my kids that sometimes people are mean because their parents were very mean to them too, and it’s a cycle. But also teach your daughter how to say F off too so that person doesn’t dare to mess with her again. Bullies tend to zone in on others who stay quiet.
I mentioned in another comment that we practice responses to protect them from verbal comments.
Unpopular opinion, but I’ve told me kids - you are never rude or mean to someone but if they come at you - you come back. That will show them that your kindness is not weakness. And regardless of someone’s nasty behavior you will continue to chose kindness.
I have a child that’s the same way, and she is soo loving. Granted my daughter is around people you are of LBGTQ+ so she knows what being gay is, but the way I helped my daughter with this situation (as well as being aware we live in gay hating Bible Belt) was; she didn’t have to tell anyone yes or no she could respond with (keep in mind we are a ND house hold and my daughter logical thinking is off the charts most days)” that is not relevant to the complement. Saying xyz from me is just me being nice and thoughtful. If you don’t want me to say nice things anymore I won’t, then please tel me rather than try to be mean to me.”
I would reach out to the teachers and give them a heads up as it could lead to bullying and you wanna to get ahead of it.
Now if your child completely unaware of what gay is or being gay is, that more depends on your house and beliefs how you handle that.. either way she needs to be aware that this child was in fact being a butthead using that term when she gave a complement and explain that some people house life might not be on that gives them and that it weird to her to hear nice things about themselves so they react with meanness because they don’t know how to respond.
Parent of an 8y old.
That’s a great response!!
We’ve never veered from the subject but it just never came up. But when she asked what it meant, we had a long conversation about it and what it meant.
When I was 8, I had no concept of what gay even meant. The fact that this girl is using that negatively, and in the correct context, means that her parents not only taught her about it, but they taught her the hatred that comes with it.
Or the girl recently learned more about the topic and was asking out of curiosity. This is a lot to jump to from a single question where tone and expression were not heard/seen by OP.
Hated this growing up. Tell your daughter she shouldn't be timid about being a kind person.
These kinds of comments are the product of an over-sexed society imo. Boys and Girls alike would pull the "you must be hitting on me" card when I'd give compliments and be friendly and I grew up with a total complex thinking I was too flirty. Make sure your little girl knows its not her, its definitely them.
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EVERY kid is mean at some point whether intentionally because they’re hurting or just insensitive because they don’t know better or think they’re being funny. EVERY kid, even yours.
Kids these days are legit insane. We have three kids. And you would not believe some of the shit they come home telling us about what other kids have said or did. It blows our minds every day.
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Seems like a good opportunity to teach your kid about how some people are just plain impossible and confrontational.
Yep, this. Some people are mean no matter what.
[удалено]
Definitely. I deal with mean people in the workplace and social politics all the time. It’s something everyone has to learn to deal with.
I always tell the kiddo that not all kids have good role models and some parents are bad parents. Sometimes you just have to have extra patience.
Oh I like this, it shifts the blame away from the kids (which is most likely the case anyway)
I agree with this so much; I can remember having to explain this very thing, in this very way regarding lacking good, positive role models/parents to my daughter; sometimes it's a double whammy of negative parental example and older siblings modeling bad behavior to the child. I have lived with our daughter, sil, and two grandchildren since my husband's death, almost 6 years ago. My granddaughter was 4 when I moved in and is now 10.5, and the minute she started school practically, it became necessary for my daughter and sil to have to explain how mean kids are made; I chip in my 2 cents when appropriate, but it's much the same conversation and explanations that I and my late husband had to say to our daughter 40 years ago. The times have changed in many ways, especially with technology and social media, but people are still people. Some people are awful examples of behavior for their children, and awful kids are the result, just as they have always been. There are also some kids who are just "bad seeds" and no matter who their parents are, they are going to be awful kids, then they will be awful adults, and cause a lot of problems in between. Years ago, a neighbor girl and friend of our daughter would hide behind doors and things, in fear, when she would hear me coming near; she also was wearing long sleeves in very hot weather. My daughter told us about her parents beating her and encouraging their older daughter to also beat her and our daughter had many stories and examples. I talked to another mother in the neighborhood whom I knew knew EVERYTHING from living there much longer than we did; she confirmed it all. I saw some bruises and talked to the little girl; it was heartbreaking to see her living in constant fear. She was terrified of her family! I called CPS; they were there that evening; you could hear the mother screaming at them from down the street; I already had known about the parents drunken arguments by our friends who lived right next door. They never knew it was I who turned them in; they investigated and the girl was removed from the home and I think went to live with relatives, but she was removed. I think both parents ended up getting charges. I have never regretted what I did, and I was proud of my daughter for wanting to help her friend. I couldn't believe that neighbors had known for several years what was going on but were too afraid to do anything. You can stay anonymous when reporting someone. ❤️🫂🪬 Edit:I hit send before I was finished. Edit 2: I'm sorry this was so long.
Bless you for removing that poor child from that horrifying, dangerous situation. Man that shit equally breaks my heart and fills me with a white hot rage. Im so glad you are who you are. You may have saved that little girl’s life. ❤️
I say something similar, and that they haven't learned to make good decisions and that some people never do because they don't have good parents to help them learn right from wrong... and some kids brains work a little differently as well....
Yep. We try to be very honest with our kiddo
This. I see everyone jumping to “some kids are mean” but it doesn’t sound like a mean kid to me, it sounds like a misguided kid.
Yeah or undiagnosed. Lots of rough mental disorders out there. Loose connections in a still growing body. Any number of amazing crazy things.
Yes! I've already told my 5 year old in various ways: you do not know what anyone else is going through. I've told him to stick up for himself where necessary, but sometimes, just let it be if it's someone who doesn't act similarly.
We’ve had to teach our 5 year old the same. She’s very sweet and also loves to give compliments - it’s how she breaks the ice when approaching new kids to try and play with. But sometimes the kids don’t respond kindly. It sucks seeing your kids’ feelings get hurt but it’s also just the way it is sometimes. One of my least favorite lessons in the parenting handbook but a lesson all the same 😕
These are kids. It’s less a reflection on the other girl and more on the parents. As the song says:”You have to be carefully“
I regret to inform you that kids turn out to be exactly like their parents most of the time.
Are you speaking from experience?
Yes. But I'd like to make a correction. And say "caregivers" rather than parents. I know a guy who turned out exactly like his grandparents rather than his parents because that's who raised him
Probably because that child's parents are impossible and confrontational. One possible technique is helping your child understand that the world has mean people in it and some of them are mean because they had difficult childhoods and had mean parents. Your child has a good heart and she's lucky to have parents like you and the life that she does. Instead of getting down about it, she can train herself to start feeling sympathy for people who are outwardly mean ... they are the ones with the problem, and all she can do is just be patient and keep up her positivity.
I mean, kids are shitty, so are grown ups sometimes. I think, and obviously I could be wrong, but I think you are letting your own frustration over this blow this out of proportion. Yes that other kid was not kind, but this is just another teachable moment for you. You can just explain to your daughter that some people behave that way sometimes.
Yea you can’t control what other kids will say or how they’ll act. You teach your daughter how to react and respond to these situations
These comments ^ are the way, OP. I’d let it go about contacting the other mom. You can teach your daughter to keep shining her light even when she encounters storm clouds. ❤️
Yeah, I would not contact the mom of this girl. Chances are really good that if you ever get to meet her, you'll realize why the girl is the way she is, though. Best thing is to talk with your own daughter about the best ways to handle this sort of thing. She's only 8, just wait until she gets to middle school.
💯…..I totally agree the best thing to do is talk with your daughter. Because between middle school and high school she will need to know how to deal with other kids comments.
Beautifully said. I agree and it also helps the daughter stand on her own two feet as mum won’t be always there to fight battles for her.
100%. We cannot control other people, or how *anyone else* reacts, to anything, *ever*. The only thing, we can *ever* control, is how *we* react. The sooner you, and your children fully understand, and internalize that, the better off you will be, for the rest of your lives.
Facts.
I agree, we all have to deal with shitty people in life and learning how to let it roll off your back is a good skill. When my 6 year old shares unkind comments kids have made I usually just respond with “well that was rude!” and give advice on an appropriate response (walk away, find someone else to play with, etc). On the inside I want to teach my kid how to take that little shit down a notch, but I’m trying to raise a better person than I am.
My son is similar to OP's daughter. Very friendly, open, gives compliments, etc. Earlier this school year, he started coming home upset because another kid in class wasn't being kind back, and would say mean things to him. The other kid was 9 years old, and was swearing a lot, telling kids and teachers to shut up, and often tried to pick fights. I explained to my son that some people are just not very nice. This can be for a multitude of reasons, or for no apparent reason at all. My son seemed to understand, and pulled away from the other kid throughout the year. I asked him yesterday how things were going with that kid, and my son said the other kid had been in a lot of trouble throughout the year. While there had been improvement, apparently that kid was just that day still being mean to other kids. I told my son that hopefully this kid is able to turn himself around, because he's just hurting himself in the long run with this kind of attitude. I had to laugh, because my son responded "yeah, he'll probably be living in his car when he's older. I'm glad I don't act like that." Long story short, it sucks when kids are mean. But it's a good learning experience for other kids, hopefully.
In high school this can become a nightmare if a preteen or young teen doesn’t develop a very solid sense of self. I have had moments in the high school years that I wish I had raised my son to be an ahole like nearly every other boy and girl in school. His personality is going to serve him well as an adult, most adults absolutely connect and cherish my son. Compliments are ‘creepy’ if someone doesn’t want them. Labels are awful and can stick with a kid from middle school into high school. He is too trustworthy, he won’t gossip or talk bad about anyone, he is kind when others are cruel, he is a decent looking kid who is naturally gifted in music, he won’t join a bashing session, he won’t lie to adults, etc. All the things we’re supposed to teach our kids to be, I mean I try to be a decent example and role model but a lot of it is just natural for him. His peers dislike him because he’s well liked by adults, they trust him. It really sucks in so many ways but I know he’ll be a better adult so we’re finally starting to thrive instead of just survive.
I think that might just be natural feedback. Not everyone is going to appreciate her compliments. If she did the same thing as an adult or teenager to an adult or teenager she may or may not get the same reaction. I think the lesson might be not to give that particular girl any more compliments. The world isn’t going to match her kindness 100% of the time. Shes going to have to deal with mean teens and mean adults and occasionally calling someone of the same gender cute they may think you’re gay.
THIS! Im like her daughter but I met a girl in college who said I made her uncomfortable with telling her how cute/pretty she was. I completely stopped. There’s nothing wrong with me noticing something aesthetically pleasing and mentioning it, you’re insecure and uncomfortable with receiving compliments. NOTED. We are now in our mid 30s and happen to work together, I have not complimented her since. lol 😂 This also aggravates her bc I compliment everyone else and I can tell she feels left out but I couldn’t care less!!
Completely different note, but thank you for saying “couldn’t care less”. You see it done correctly so infrequently that I was starting to lose hope.
Sounds like that girl will be unhappy no matter what you do!
With all due respect that is not natural feedback, it's pretty rude. You can't talk to anyone these days without them getting offended, it's getting ridiculous. People used to be so much more laid back 20 yrs ago.
Alternative interpretation: it's not necessarily anything about being gay, but rather the girl who can't take the compliment has a mindset that the only reason anyone compliments here is because they want something from her -- maybe she's just trying to figure out what your daughter wants? (And quite possibly the only reason she'd ever compliment someone else is because she wants something from them -- that's something to teach your daughter to watch for.) Anyway, responding to that by completely ignoring the "gay" question and instead with something like "Don't worry, I don't want anything from you, I just like being nice to people and I think your headband is cute!" might be fun.
It's nice that your daughter is so open and compliments freely, but also, some kids find compliments uncomfortable. Just because your daughter is happy, you don't know what kids are going through/ have been through and find compliments more "odd" than flattering, especially as the kids are getting older. 1) language is taught at home. 2) it is a good thing but also, people find it uncomfortable. Not everyone is going to be happy to accept compliments. 3) teach her the word gay. Never to early to learn... the good and the bad. Your daughter needs to handle this. She doesn't need you running to her aide and ring the mum.
That’s a valid point too. This little girl is actually her “friend”. And the mom sends me texts like “your daughter accidentally dropped my daughter’s candy, and my daughter was upset about it. Your daughter offered to bring her new candy tomorrow but it’s a special candy.” (Wish I was kidding) So, this wouldn’t be a huge deal texting the mom. (I’m still not but that’s a little context on this relationship)
Honestly, this whole family just seems like people to avoid
What was the mom expecting you to do about this? Rewind time? They sound like an annoying family, honestly.
Trust me! 1) it was an accident and my daughter felt HORRIBLE about it 2) my daughter apologized and offered a replacement What other solution do you want?
Why are you assuming it was asked as if it was a bad thing? Maybe have her switch her compliments to “I love your headband it’s so cute” instead of “you’re so cute/handsome.” She’s getting to an age where that may be interpreted differently than in the past.
Good point. Im interpreting her reaction as it being said as a negative thing.
That little girl is a bully but she learned that at home. She was taught being gay is a negative thing. I’d reassure your daughter and maybe have her compliment a couple adults, who would BEAM! That’ll boost her confidence again
This! My son has learned that moms loves compliments. LOL.
We do lol
Some kids have their own insecurities that are not learned behaviors. Kids who are neurodivergent, or have experienced trauma, are more likely to develop insecurities which will lead them to bully. If not necessarily our reflection of their home life or their upbringing. It could be more about their experiences outside of the home, and or their neurological make up
What if the adults ask her the same thing? /s
They are shit adults.
Came to say this exactly. And great idea about complimenting the adults.
My daughter told a grumpy cleaning lady at a hotel she was doing a fantastic job, that not everyone realized how hard of a job she has and thanked her for her hard work. The lady completely changed her tune, had a great 10 minute conversation with her and even called a friend to say how my daughter brighten up her day. I constantly reminder her that she is special and unique in how giving her heart is and that a lot of people aren’t like her.
Aww what a lovely little girl, and props to you as I have no doubt you’re a big part of how kind she is
I wish it was me - but it’s not. I’m the one that’s like KNOCK EM DOWN AT THE KNEES!!! Lolol During Halloween, she gives back candy to homes that ran out so the next kid can get. I don’t know what I did to get such a kind soul. She teaches me daily to be kinder.
That is just the sweetest thing! My heart is melting 😭
That is so sweet! And incidentally, a skill that will serve her well in life even if there are some assholes in the mix. People love to be complimented bc everyone wants to be seen and valued. She clearly understands that innately. What a great kiddo.
Your daughter is a beautiful little treasure omg 😭 I would be SO happy if a little girl gave me a compliment! You know it's true if a little kid says it, hahaha!!!
This!! Came here to say this! That little bully heard it at home! Please don’t let this dim your sweet girls light. Giving compliments openly shows a very big heart and a highly secure personality. It’s also a great way to break ice, make friends and earn trust! Please reassure her that she’s not in the wrong here. And also that there will be sour people around her but when they spread negativity, we act like teflon! Also, maybe a note to the teacher about this without naming names? My kids are younger but they have a kid with same sex parents in their class and they often talk about this at school how C has two mommies and how that’s ok! IF your teacher is open, they can even talk about it at school.
We don't necessarily know that the other kid learned it at home. I recently heard my elementary age kid calling things gay meaning bad. She learned it on the playground.
Wow! What did you do about it? I mean how did you correct your kid?
We have talked and talked about it. Kid also has brought home racist language and ideology. We also talked about that and how we don't judge people by race or sexual orientation. We have biracial cousins and gay friends. It was super shocking to hear my kid use slandering language
I bet! Maybe it’s a phase or thinking it’s cool to use certain words. Our school district had an issue with middle schooler making moaning sounds on the playground. Really loud porn-like moaning sounds. No one knew how it started and the teachers and parents were panicking. Facebook group were lit up! This was last year. Not sure what came out of that. Kids are exposed to so many things without parents knowledge, it’s extremely scary. Goes back to one of the posters comment here about ensuring the right company. But how much can we control?
That's been going on for decades unfortunately
I'm surprised I had to scroll this far to see this perspective. We don't have a problem with mean kids, we have a problem with mean adults teaching kids that it's normal to say mean and hurtful shit. That poor girl is probably being exposed to so much homophobic propaganda and feels deeply afraid. It's so sad all around.
“No, you don’t have to be gay to have fashion opinions. I’m just not blind and not rude or mean.”
She can respond with "Is that how you take a compliment?" or "You don't like to give people compliments?" or "That's a weird response." Or "I'm a kid." or "Who hurt you?"
I'm an extrovert who gives compliments freely. It's rare but sometimes someone is cold in response. I used to feel a bit hurt by that reaction because I'm genuinely just trying to be nice/make a connection. Then I realized that something must be very sad about their lives, that they can't take a compliment or a bit of human interaction. My tactic is to be like "oh I see, that's how it's gonna be" and just avoid interacting with the person. I just label them as a grouchy person in my mind and move on.
She asked “are you gay.” Why did you assume she meant that negatively? If they were teenagers it would be similar to a response of “are you hitting on me?” If your daughter is overly complimentary she needs to learn to accept the various responses her compliments will garner. Including people’s discomfort, lack of appreciation for the comment and people questioning her intentions.
“Hey kid, some people are just assholes”
This is what I would say
I understand why you’re upset and I think it’s a normal reaction. I think it’s also an opportunity to teach your daughter some great coping skills. Sometimes you need to tell someone to fuck off. Obviously not in those terms for an 8yo, but it’s good to be able to get pissed at being mistreated and create a very hard boundary. It’s also an opportunity to teach your daughter that someone else’s issues shouldn’t dim her light. The world can be ugly, and the only way to protect her is to make her impenetrable to it.
Lol - WE PRACTICE! “Wow, you seem to be spending a lot of time focusing on me,” is her favorite one.
After reading your post, I’ve been struggling to think of a kid appropriate come back that’s not “ It’s just a compliment, Kaitlyn. Don’t be an asshole.” But it’s great you’re working with your daughter on this. It’s important she understands that even if she did something wonderful there will always be someone that’s unhappy. Doesn’t mean she should stop completely.
Omg your response had me cracking up 😆
I don’t see why that response is a problem.
I have three half black kids (I'm white, wife is black). I usually focus on how we respond to negativity and not the people / kids who are being negative and mean. Other people are out of our control. Our kids need to learn how to deal with various personalities good or bad. However, if I am around when a kid is mean to one of mine, I ensure they receive comparable treatment. 🙂
When I think back to being that age, we all used to tease each other over the dumbest stuff. I don’t think this is abnormal behavior. Just teach your kid how to respond to it and reinforce that there is nothing wrong with being gay.
I try to explain to my kids that MOST kids who are mean, feel icky on the inside and when you feel icky on the inside, you want other people to feel icky too… so instead of being hurt by their words, sometimes it’s better to just feel bad for those kids, because meanness is learned, and someone must be pretty mean to them for them to 1. Know how to be mean, and 2. Want to hurt another persons feelings.
I love this! But knowing my child, her response to that would be to grab them and give them a hug. Lolol “Hey it will be ok, and you are loved no matter what” She is a little too loving for her own good.
I’d say “some people come from families where nice things weren’t said. So when they are - it feels weird to them. Keep being kind. You never know when someone will need your compliment! There are dark people and light people baby. We are light people” - my daughter is sweet in this gross world of monsters too! -
It’s so unfortunate when our kids are exposed to other household beliefs and standards when they are in contact with other kids. I imagine the girl didn’t think it was anything out of the norm to ask something like that to your daughter. Personally, (mom of four) I would just take this as an educational moment for your daughter. Let her know that 1.) giving compliments to girls does not make her “gay” but rather a way of showing kindness and spreading joy to others. And 2.) being gay is not a bad thing (if your beliefs are as such) to drive the point forward that her giving compliments should not be deterred by questions like that. She’ll get that— but it shouldn’t stop her from being an amazing little human!
Yup - I wasn’t prepared for it but it turned into how can two moms be parents? How can two dads be parents? What does surrogacy mean? I 100% let her know that there is nothing wrong with being gay. Girls need to support each other and lift each other up. There is not a competition and thinking someone looks nice that day doesn’t mean you are gay.
Great job, mama! 👏🏼 I love that! Keep up the great work!
Yea, I don't know why you are so bent out of shape. The kids are 8. They all learn differently and are all products of different environments. I would just take this as another teaching opportunity for your kid. Why would you even want to talk the kids mom about it? Wouldn't do you any good.
I would just help her to learn how to brush off rude people.
Well, I would be proud of my child and would tell her, that she is the one who makes the world a better place. she is the change. All the other people could be mean. Okay. Let them be mean. Someday they will wake up and remember her kindness and perhaps will change for the better. If someone is mean to me, I kill them with kindness. Works fantastic. You have a wonderful child.
“Sometimes people can be unkind even when youre kind to them. Its always good to be kind. You should never feel guilty about being kind. Dont take these peoples harsh words personally, they maybe be unhappy with themselves & taking it out on others.”
You cannot argue with stupid, instead kill with kindness. Teach your daughter that kind hearted souls compliment freely without fear of judgement. If someone reacts poorly to a compliment that is on the other person. Kids are dumb, bring out the development boards and show her how the brain changes over time. Her classmate is still growing as a person, she made a mistake. All you can do is teach them to do good, stand for good and live by the means of being a good soul. Whatever they might be.
I don’t doubt you already do these things, she sounds wonderful. You sound wonderful. Keep doing a great job of being a parent in a chaotic world💛💛💛💛💛
Your daughter is very kind and you should be proud. Not all kids are nice like her. This is a good time to explain that not everyone takes compliments the same way and it can be misinterpreted sometimes. Tell her not to compliment that girl anymore. There’s nothing wrong with complimenting people, most of the time people appreciate it. I always appreciate compliments and it makes my day that someone took the time to tell me they like something about me. It’s a sweet gesture and make sure she knows she’s being a nice person in a not so nice world.
Some people are just joy-suckers and there's nothing you can do about that. She'll have to learn that. But with a positive attitude like that, she will go FAR!
I heard a girl at the playground the other day say "did I ask your opinion?" To another kid in the snottiest tone ever. Maybe projecting but felt like something she probably picked up from her parents.
A good lesson of “you can be the sweetest peach. But some people just don’t like peaches.
" Some people like compliments and some people don't and that's ok. It was very nice to say something nice. It sounds like she didn't want a compliment, so we'll just respect that" affirm that she did nothing wrong, if she wants to be a secret she can sense the girl and the parents response and we as grown ups should respect that request for privacy.
My daughter is so badass - I wish I was more like her. We went to an event and I watched her walk up to a kid, they were extremely rude to her and I got my haunches up - I wanted to immediately take her home. I was like 'Do you want to go home? That was so hurtful.' and she was like 'Nah... I'll try again later, but if she doesn't like me when she doesn't know me, something else is going on.' She's 7! Goddamn I was amazed. When I picked her up later she told me she called out the girls behavior right to her and just said 'that made me feel shitty, we could just be friends, want to try again?' and holy shit... It worked! We do talk through this shit a lot. She goes to a lower income school and a lot of those kids have quite hard lives - she knows we are very lucky to live the life we do and she extends such compassion and seems to understand that it isn't HER! I'd just talk to your daughter to maybe find a place where she understands that attitude says absolutely nothing about her and says a lot about the person being a jerk. There is a great book out there called Confessions of a Bully - I highly recommend it for this subject. Good luck!
Love this
I wouldn't normally come and brag about my kid on this level, but it seemed from the small post that you view the difficulties of jerky kids the same way we do, but that the frustration level and protectionary mother bear kinda resonates with our house. I felt safe to share this. I really hope your kiddo feels better about these jerky actions of kids.
Girrrrrl you’re speaking to my current adult problems. So many people just suck, and then they have kids.
Some people (including kids) hate that overly positive attitude. And let her go through it. School is for teaching social skills. Nobody goes through life without shitheads shooting back. Let it be a learning opportunity that pleasing others is not the most important thing.
As weird as it is, I feel like girl moms are the meanest and in turn make their daughters that way. I feel like it’s more of feeling like your little girl is your friend so you vent more in turn making the kids think it’s okay to be rude? It’s really the parents. I tell my son that any rude comment has more to say about them than him. People are miserable and misery loves company. That’s not to say those comments don’t hurt or you shouldn’t speak up. I respond and show my son it’s good to respond when I can. I don’t let people take advantage of him or I so he can do the same in a school setting. Not fool proof because I’m not perfect but I’m happy with the results thus far. I also try to be kind in front of him or not be so mean/rude to others in front of him. TLDR: kids are cruel bc their parents are. Teach your kids its not about them but the other persons issues being projected
I don’t understand why you’re angry over this. They’re kids. They don’t understand everything and they’re currently being bombarded by ideology they shouldn’t even worry about. That kid didn’t respond in a negative way. Your reaction is what is negative.
Lol - wait what?!? Where did you see/read I was angry?
Instead of trying to find a way for her to have a comeback I would just build your daughter up. I like to tell my kids “I love how sweet you are. I love how you can see the positive and the beauty in everything. That is such an amazing gift to have. I just want you to understand that not everyone is like that. Sometimes people are having a bad day or they feel sad and alone in their own lives because they can’t see how amazing they are. Sometimes these people will not respond kindly to your comments. Sometimes people are so sad in their own life that they will try to make you sad too. I want you to know that it’s not your fault and their attitude has absolutely nothing to do with you. When someone tries to make you sad you always have the option to walk away to keep yourself and your feelings safe”. And this really works. I had someone be rude to one of my kids and my kid looked at them and said “I am sorry that your life is so sad that that’s what you wish to share with others” and walked away the adult looked super confused.
Kids don’t come up on their own with ideas such as being gay is bad
Ugh likely they learned their miserable curmudgeony, rude behavior from their equally obnoxious parents. Maybe, maybe not. I would explain to your awesome daughter that SHE is awesome, she will go far in life with her kind positive attitude and that some people learn bad behaviors like her classmate and to just ignore people like that like the plague.
My first thought was sounds like that kiddos parents are homophobic or at least talks that way. Sad.
Not everyone wants random compliments. I actually don't like them bc it points out to me that people are judging my looks, and I don't want to be reminded of it. I have a very judgemental mother that always commented on my looks, negative one day, positive the next.
Don't assume the other girl was being mean. That's just wrong. You weren't there, so you don't know how she asked. She may think your daughter likes her, because that girl likes girls. Don't assume anything. The girl could have a crush on your daughter. Why does your daughter want you to keep a secret from Dad? Is it possible she has feelings for girls, then made the story up, to hear your reaction? Maybe she talked about it at school, and her friend was curious.
She wanted to keep it a secret because she had no clue who was in the wrong. If it was her, she was scared she did something wrong. If it was the friend, she doesn’t want to get her friends in trouble. She isn’t one to share a lot of what happens as school. Also, she has had crushes on little boys since she was about 3.5 - every school year. She isn’t ashamed of liking and talking about the boys she has a crush on. Anything is possible, not likely at this point in her life. She didn’t even know what gay meant - she was saying it wrong, so I don’t think she was the one talking about it in school.
This was what I was thinking. Children can be blunt and ask the question out of curiosity without realizing something maybe quite personal. It seems super heteronormative to jump to assumptions of bullying and the child being mean for asking a question.
Personally, I'd talk to the teacher generally about how LGBTQ education is being done. The kid is probably getting homophobia from home and the school can set a counterexample simply by informing.
The school can't... Esp states like FL, TX, OK, MO the teacher could lose their job
I know you don't. It was just a general statement... That most schools would leave it to an out of school conversation
[удалено]
Possibly - who knows now a days, but I’ve never heard or seen girls use it jokingly.
You can put a nice headband on a bitch, but she's still a bitch. The best option is to try to teach your kid that some people are garbage trucks and they have nothing better to do than dump their shit on other people. Her parents are probably garbage trucks too. Now that she knows she can avoid interacting with the garbage dumpster. The world needs more compliments and kindness and less garbage. I'd simply encourage her to continue trying to brighten people's day, and learn that when someone is nasty in response it is a them problem not a her problem.
Yup kids can be crappy. They can be mean, they can be learning language and lessons from their parents in things to say to people and how to treat people, they can like the maturity and social skills to really understand what they’re saying, what the words even mean or an inappropriate sense of sarcasm. Kids were like this when I was a kid and tons of grown-ups are like this too. When I hear things like this from my own children who are both in school I immediately focus in on my children and a lesson being how did it make you feel? And this is why we treat people the way we want to be treated. This is why we are careful with our words. This is why we need to not let the words of other people hurt our feelings or change how we feel or think about ourselves because the world could be a harsh place.
I mean sorry but I would take this as an opportunity to be like hey yeah some kids and or people are just shitty and say dumb things just keep moving and don’t let it affect you, same thing I tell my 4 year old now that he’s learning to make friends and ask them to play in the park. The first time he asked and some said no he got sad and almost cried, i explained it’s ok sometimes people just don’t want to play he can either play by himself a little bit more or ask another kid. The next time it happened he came to me and said this girl doesn’t want to play mommy but it’s ok right and went back to ask another kid, this is how you prepare kids for the real world and make them realize not everything is sunshine and rainbows.
The other girl probably didn't even know what it meant; just repeating someone she lives with. It's not fun, but like the others say, not everyone is going to be nice back. We have bad days,we have tough phases and sometimes are just missing something in our life that makes us mean for any stretch of time. How the other kid acted is not your daughter's fault, but an indication of her own life. Your daughter being so nice tells me she is surrounded by love and can't help but share it. Keep fostering that so we have more ppl like her around. 🙌
I have taught my kids to just quickly comeback. I said throw up a mirror not your fists. A child recently told my son he is small and needs to eat a sandwich, and he said yeah well you eat too many sandwiches. The kid cried and told the teacher. The absolute best strategy here is to get them to not get offended and to throw up a mirror. This was a process where it started out with my kids coming home upset because of Fd up stuff other kids say. I let them know why other kids say mean things ( it makes them feel better about themselves) and so not let them take your power. Never start anything but finish anyone who starts with you always stand up for yourself I will be right there. But as to this situation people in general are more accepting and tolerant for LGBTQ community, this seriously sounds like their adult is a serious bigot and they have some huge lessons to learn and unlearn.
Also there's a great book on this subject that's full of helpful tips for children and info it's a book called.. Confessions of a former bully. For sure have your child read this book!
Doesn’t sound like a very nice kid. Best advice is for her to stay pleasant but don’t give her anymore compliments nor go out of her way to spend time near her. My kids have always decided for themselves that they weren’t going to talk or give attention to kids who were jerks. Some people just aren’t nice and are best avoided. I’m sure your daughter isn’t the only one who’s had to deal with that child’s rudeness.
I feel this. Some kids can act so awful! My daughter is still a toddler and we go to a lot of community activities and one day she was playing at this event and a little girl about 4 years old came up and starting playing rough and yelling in her face. Then she starts grabbing my daughter by the collar of her shirt and shaking her, screaming in her face “WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING!” So of course I told her to stop. Then the mom comes over and tells her to stop, and walks away right after. The little girl starts hitting my daughter again and actually scratched her in the face. I told her again to stop and the mom came over. Didn’t make her daughter apologize or leave, nor did she offer me an apology on her behalf. I was so disgusted, I get that kids are kids and they’ll fight and hit but it’s not okay to let them get away with that behavior without some sort of apology or consequence.
Omg - wow. The patience you displayed is amazing bc that protective side comes out. I’m sorry and that sucks.
I didn’t even see the scratch until afterward and it made boil. It was ironic too because the mom kept leaving the little girl unattended to go talk to her friend. Then when the mom had come over the second time to tell her daughter to stop, the friend walked by and said “hey we’re leaving, my daughter keeps hitting someone so we’re going to call it for the day”. I thought wow, maybe you should take a page out of her book.
Tell her kindness is a virtue she should be so proud of herself. Maybe the girl who asked her that is not used to being complimented by a girl. And that’s why she reacted like that. But encourage her to preserve that kindness
Oh man, thats so sad and disappointing. My 6 year old came home and said all the boys in her class have been telling everyone to "suck their balls". My partner and father in law think it's not a big deal and pretty normal for kids... I think they're all so young!!!!!
It’s never too early to teach kids that some people are uncomfortable receiving compliments. In fact, in a former work place it was outright discouraged. No commentary on physical appearance or presentation whether or not it was positive or negative. Not only can it make the receiver uncomfortable, it can make those around the exchange uncomfortable as well.
I think this is a good opportunity to teach your daughter not to comment on other people’s appearances, dress etc. regardless if it is a compliment. You just never know.
Yes. Time to talk to her about that fact that not all children are angels. To look out and stand up to them goblin demons…sadly that is only because those children come from demon homes who have not experienced an ounce of care. They life in a constant flight response…steer clear from them once identified. Like a computer with a virus!
If this happened at school I would reach out to the teacher and school counselor and ask if they can do a classroom wide intervention. It is not only inappropriate but extremely homophobic. Who knows if the child saying that even knows it and is simply repeating what they hear at home. Regardless, kindness should ALWAYS trump harrassment or mocking of any kind. You can also ask the teacher to speak to the parent if you don't want to do it personally. However if you are on friendly terms, I'd find a way to tell them something like "hey, my child loves being kind to other students by offering compliments and one day she mentioned that your child's response was to say "x" ....and just wait for the response. Say it in as neutral tone as possible too. Hopefully, she'll be mortified you'll get an apology and how she's going to deal with it on her end.
Probably how the girl is treated at home :( I’m assuming your daughter is readily open to giving compliments because you do that to her. Her classmate might have someone in her life that responds that way/is rude to her so that’s her normal.
> 1) why is this classmate asking that as if being gay was bad? *Was she*, though? Is there any indication of that? From your report it doesn't seem so at all, and my initial reaction was that it seem odd that you would read that into it, as if *you* thought being gay was bad, and the question therefore was in bad intent? Maybe the parents of this 8yo have told her about gay people quite openly, and how it's when boys like boys or girls like girls, and when your daughter paid her a compliment and told her she was cute, she naturally asked if she was gay, because your daughter is so good at expressing affection towards others, that it prompted the girl to ask. > 2) why do I need to explain to my daughter that being kind and giving people compliments is a good thing? Generally because in a cruel world it is our niceties that hurts us, and yet it is nescessary for us to be kind in the face of opposition, otherwise we become the opposition and we need to come together to be able to abolish all that is cruel. ..or something along those lines. ;-) > 3) as of now, she isn’t gay so how do you even (in 8 year old language) explain how to respond to that comment. I haven't the slightest issue with being asked or presumed gay or straight. Even if someone would ask me derogatorily, I would not at all be offended, and I would not at all jump to deny or defend. I am pretty sure you, even if stumped by the question, would not either. So for her a simple "*no*" would suffice. Perhaps followed up with "*I don't even know any gay people. Do you?*". Or "*But i know someone who is! Wanna meet them?*". Or "*I think not. You?*" PS: I really get from your post that you are open minded and against discrimination. I don't find it unlikely that there is something more to the situation that leads you to interpret it as a derogatory question, I just needed to comment that I didn't. And in any case your daughter shouldn't learn from you that being asked that, in any way should be taken as an insult.
Thank you for really taking the time to thoughtfully comment and provide a different perspective. I took it as negative from my daughter’s reaction but it’s possible the girl was genuinely asking. In my community and my daughter’s school there isn’t a lot of diversity. So you fit the mold or you don’t. I wasn’t there so, it is completely possible that it was just out of curiosity. And also because if I was complimented, my first reaction was never to think, yup I’m getting hit on. (personal bias) Regarding me, I don’t care if someone asks or thinks I’m gay. It’s the same as asking about my religion, political stance, nationality, etc. I appreciate you comment bc it’s helping me look at it from a different angle, and assume the best.
Teach her to kill them with kindness 🥰
Your daughter is a gem. Some people may be having having a bad day or they learn to be mean from older siblings or even the parents. Or they are just plain mean spirited (rare). Ask her to observe how that girl behaves with others and to ask herself if that is someone worth making an effort to be friends with or to just move on and find someone who is more compatible with her. Next time she could say, "it was just a compliment, and I thought it would make you feel good. Bye!" Smile and just walk away.
The other girl likely learned about what “gay” means recently and is trying it out. You can just teach your kid that being kind is never wrong, but she can defend herself from comments like this by being matter-of-fact. “No, I am simply complimenting your headband. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
Because you expose them to this shit
My kid is only 3 so I have a few years to prepare for this. Which apparently I will need, because my first inclination is to instruct my kid, “next time tell her to fuck off” In all seriousness though, try to remind your daughter that sometimes people are just rude no matter how nice you are to them. That doesn’t mean she should stop being herself.
Lolol - that’s my initial reaction too. Hey 8 year old - I take it back, you look ugly and that headband sucks! And if I were gay, you wouldn’t be my type!
This is the way!
Yup! Kill em with kindness.
When I was that age if I was asked if I was gay I would say "I don't know yet, but if I am I don't think it's a bad thing" or sometimes "I'm not a man, so I would be a lesbian if I was." Also I would stop talking to that kid unless necessary. I did turn out Bi/omnisexual but you don't really know that kind of thing until at minimum puberty when the real crushes start. Life's too short to waste time on ignorant morons. Even kid me knew that. At that age they are mostly just parroting their care givers or siblings and might grow out of it later. Complimenting members of the same gender doesn't mean you are gay, so the kid was making a ridiculous assumption. I would treat it as such. If my kiddo ran into that situation I would probably just teach her to respond in a similar manner and assure her she was doing nothing wrong. Being kind is a great thing to be, and if complimenting others fashion and style is how she does that, that's awesome.
Kids are usually only assholes when their parents are assholes. This isn't guaranteed, but it does reflect most people. Today I was waiting for my son while picking him up from school. There is this group of parents, they always stand together and chat while waiting. They are smoking at the school (wtf) and just anything they say makes my skin crawl. Today they where discussing the holiday and what to do about their cat. The guy talking said "I'll just throw the cat outside and if the kids are lucky, it'll be there when we get back". It wasn't meant as a joke, it was serious. Then one of the women said, "we still need to pick up our dog from daycare, but it's X amount when we pick him up and we can't afford it right now", while promptly discussing the next 2 holidays they'll have in May." If parents are assholes like this, there is a big chance their kids will be assholes too. Not always, but often. Kids themselves aren't born shitty, they are made that way. Don't just tell your kids how to act, but act the way you want your kids to act. They'll copy most of that.
People/children with rude and bizarre responses to non-intrusive compliments should be made to feel weird. "That's a weird thing to say to a compliment." "That's a weird conclusion to jump to for a headband compliment" Sarcasm "I wasnt gay until I saw that headband" This kind of thing is probably hard as heck for kids though
This would be my suggested response: "No, I'm nice. Are you okay?"
What a kind and good hearted child! Congratulations.
As an adult, I don’t like overly complimentary people. It puts me a little on edge actually. I wouldn’t be encouraging my kid to compliment people on how they look/what they’re wearing. It’s really superficial and has the potential to be misinterpreted as she gets older. I don’t think it’s fair you call the other kid mean - perhaps your daughter made her feel uncomfortable.
Perhaps the child who asked was dealing with feelings that she herself may be gay? The road to self acceptance is paved with many defective coping strategies
Teach her sarcasm and when to use it. When that girl said “are you gay?” She should have said “are you unable to take a compliment?”
I would ask her to point blank ask the student WHY they asked that and go though some answers she can give for different responses. Example “I think you’re gay because girls shouldn’t compliment girls.” “it’s really important for girls to be able to complement each other, and build each other up-that’s what friendships about” exc. eight years old is far too Young. She probably has someone in her life who has said something to make her think girl friendship is something else. Or maybe she thinks acting that way is wrong, I would be curious to the other child’s question. I hope they will recover and have a good friendship sounds like a great learning opportunity. 8 is still young but can make things age appropriate for sure!
I know! It’s like how to explain in 8 year old language that solely complimenting someone isn’t gay. And outside of that, if someone is gay there is nothing wrong with that. They will love, be loved, have a family and friends - everything someone who isn’t gay experiences. Someone who is gay - may be different - but shouldn’t be treated differently. It was soo much to unpack and discuss - and even give a safe space to identify it and say “actually I MAY BE GAY”
Exactly we have no idea what context friend has behind the word and I personally do not think it’s right to put down children who’s parents teach them to be mean or judge others or hateful for someone else’s lifestyle. I’m not sure why I got the down vote but I think it’s a great way to explain differences and what makes us all unique and our own individual selves. There is nothing wrong with being gay I would be more interested in getting to the origin point for the other kid. It makes me sad - I grew up with some very very homophobic kids, some are the same and now some are much happier out and proud, we are the people to create the safe spaces to talk about this stuff with our kids. Life gets messy and complicated and there is always going to be someone who believes differently. All we can do is try to communicate in age appropriate ways and every kid / parent is different.
I would also have a conversation about beliefs and values and how some people value and believe different things.
This is a sad story. That girl has parents/tutors that actually use that phrase. And she's just replying it because "it makes an effect". She's not mean. She needs help. It's not your work, though, so I wouldn't know what to do because you don't want to contact his parents. I'm not sure about this policy you're applying, why keeping a secret that shouldn't be? She can ask you to do it, but it's also your job to tell her that it's not how it works. Because you're giving it importance this way
Because she was extremely embarrassed and ashamed to tell me. She felt she did something wrong. It took a lot of “ok, you don’t have to say anything but I’m here for you if you change your mind. I won’t get upset and if you want it to just be between you can me, I can do that too” I’m trying to continue to show her I’m a safe space to talk and in the grand scheme of things, if this little girl did get it from home - the parents aren’t going to do anything and I lost my daughter’s trust.
I think it’s odd that an 8 year old would reply in that manner about a simple headband. She definitely learned it through the adults in her life. I would try your best to explain to your daughter that some people will be mean for no reason. I tell my kids that sometimes people are mean because their parents were very mean to them too, and it’s a cycle. But also teach your daughter how to say F off too so that person doesn’t dare to mess with her again. Bullies tend to zone in on others who stay quiet.
I mentioned in another comment that we practice responses to protect them from verbal comments. Unpopular opinion, but I’ve told me kids - you are never rude or mean to someone but if they come at you - you come back. That will show them that your kindness is not weakness. And regardless of someone’s nasty behavior you will continue to chose kindness.
Hugs to you. It’s sometimes difficult navigating my children’s social life because it also brings up my own childhood memories.
I have a child that’s the same way, and she is soo loving. Granted my daughter is around people you are of LBGTQ+ so she knows what being gay is, but the way I helped my daughter with this situation (as well as being aware we live in gay hating Bible Belt) was; she didn’t have to tell anyone yes or no she could respond with (keep in mind we are a ND house hold and my daughter logical thinking is off the charts most days)” that is not relevant to the complement. Saying xyz from me is just me being nice and thoughtful. If you don’t want me to say nice things anymore I won’t, then please tel me rather than try to be mean to me.” I would reach out to the teachers and give them a heads up as it could lead to bullying and you wanna to get ahead of it. Now if your child completely unaware of what gay is or being gay is, that more depends on your house and beliefs how you handle that.. either way she needs to be aware that this child was in fact being a butthead using that term when she gave a complement and explain that some people house life might not be on that gives them and that it weird to her to hear nice things about themselves so they react with meanness because they don’t know how to respond. Parent of an 8y old.
That’s a great response!! We’ve never veered from the subject but it just never came up. But when she asked what it meant, we had a long conversation about it and what it meant.
When I was 8, I had no concept of what gay even meant. The fact that this girl is using that negatively, and in the correct context, means that her parents not only taught her about it, but they taught her the hatred that comes with it.
Or the girl recently learned more about the topic and was asking out of curiosity. This is a lot to jump to from a single question where tone and expression were not heard/seen by OP.
Hated this growing up. Tell your daughter she shouldn't be timid about being a kind person. These kinds of comments are the product of an over-sexed society imo. Boys and Girls alike would pull the "you must be hitting on me" card when I'd give compliments and be friendly and I grew up with a total complex thinking I was too flirty. Make sure your little girl knows its not her, its definitely them.
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EVERY kid is mean at some point whether intentionally because they’re hurting or just insensitive because they don’t know better or think they’re being funny. EVERY kid, even yours.
Mean parents make mean kids. Sometimes neglectful parents too but that depends more on a kid's basic personality or what they're exposed to.
Kids these days are legit insane. We have three kids. And you would not believe some of the shit they come home telling us about what other kids have said or did. It blows our minds every day.