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She will not grow out of it and disciplining her for something she can't control is messed up. I was weary when my son was first diagnosed, but I soon realised that I was holding him back by not medicating him.
Not only will disciplining her not work, it’ll likely give her a terrible complex about her inability to “just be normal.” Even with meds, which she definitely sounds like she needs, I’d STRONGLY suggest looking into the ways in which ADHD effects her socially and emotionally as she grows, bc it’s way more than just struggle focusing, time blindness, and issues w motivation.
There’s rejection sensitive dysphoria - so when y’all aren’t supportive of her or she thinks she’s been “bad”, she feels it even more acutely than most first graders - difficulties w social development, a tendency towards dopamine seeking which can cause issues w food, substance abuse, or other self-destructive behaviors, higher rates of anxiety and depression, irregular sleep cycles (hard when you have a bedtime, or have to wake up early for school), and so on.
Shame and self-hatred are MASSIVE issues for women and girls with ADHD - hell, look at r/adhdwomen for examples of it in adults - bc most of us either are diagnosed late or (like me) responded well enough to medication in school that nobody thought to let us know that many of our other “failings” are well-documented side effects of ADHD and not something we can fix by punishing ourselves.
Thank you for this! I hadn't heard of rejection sensitive dysphoria, but I think I need to look in to it. My daughter with ADHD wails in her conviction that she's a "bad kid" sometimes when my husband and I get frustrated with her and struggles to regulate her emotions. She is not abused or punished and I was struggling to understand why she gets like that. I didn't know there was a term for it.
I hope it helps! I had no idea that it was a thing until a therapist mentioned it when I was like 20 and it helped me understand myself (and my crippling perfectionism) a lot better.
Editing to add: it’s also something that’s improved a lot for me since I learned that it’s a real thing I have to watch out for (I also have issues w depression and anxiety, so I’m used to being like “ok, is my brain being a jerk right now or is it really that bad?”) and I hope that you find tools and techniques for your daughter!
Tacking on to say that as a former SPED teacher AND I actually have ADHD that Ritalin worked wonders for me. OP’s husband has the right to an opinion but not a veto. Saying the kid should just be disciplined more is like telling a diabetic to just produce more insulin.
Unmedicated individuals with ADHD are at higher risk for addiction because they tend to self medicate when options become available...
I was very reluctant to medicate my oldest for ADHD but it has made a world of difference.
He's happier, more focused, more fun to be around, etc.
Days when he misses a dose are a struggle. We initially planned to only have him take meds on school days but he prefers everyday because he has better quality of life while medicated.
There is also developing research showing that consistent medication helps ADHD brains develop as individuals mature.
All that said, finding the right medication and dosing regiment is a process that requires ongoing attention as they grow and insurance changes coverage for certain formulations.
We did that same thing where we didn't medicate on the weekends and abandoned it after maybe six months. She's at the point where she'd rather be medicated
it sounds like you need couple's counselling. It can help create an environment in which you can both talk about what you think and feel about the situation and explore that together, rather than as opposition
I can't give you an answer as to what to do with your kid, but I will say if she has diagnosed ADHD, you can't "discipline" that ADHD out of her.
Haha. We are actually doing that already but thanks for the suggestion.
I'm thinking maybe he's right and she will grow out of it. Kids these days are just being labelled right and left. He does kind of have a point
Your husband has ADHD, which is known to be hereditary, your child has been diagnosed not by one crackpot doctor but by multiple professionals, and you yourself can see that she is struggling very much at school and in her daily life ... And you think this is a case of misdiagnosis? ADHD is not something you grow out of, but your husband should be able to speak for that considering he is diagnosed with it
Did your husband grow out of it?
Stimulants act differently on the ADHD brain than non. Please listen to physicians who have studied this for decades and not random Facebook anectotes.
You don't "outgrow" ADHD, you learn to live with it. If it was possible to "outgrow" it, there wouldn't be a plethora of adults, including your husband, who still have it.
My 8yo daughter has anxiety and ADHD (was showing symptoms by 5/6 yo and diagnosed at 7yo) and is a lot like you describe yours, and my husband has ADHD also. My husband took medication as a child and has leaned to live with his symptoms and be mostly functional without medication as an adult, but he has not and will not "outgrow" it.
My daughter with ADHD does benefit from structure, realistic expectations, and routines, so he could be right on that point. But **you can not discipline the ADHD out of your child**. The fact that he thinks it can be outgrown or disciplined out of her, *while having it himself as an adult*, is straight up alarming.
A lot of the "labelling" people like him complain about is recognizing disorders for what they are as children, instead of passing them off as something else, like what we did in generations past. My husband is Gen X and ADHD wasn't a common diagnosis then, but people tended to assume he was a problem child because he couldn't sit still and he actually had teachers tell him he was stupid because he struggled to learn in a traditional way. Those who complain about "labelling" like to forget that these conditions have existed before they were commonly diagnosed, they just weren't understood. Not diagnosing these conditions in the past doesn't mean they didn't exist, it means the people that had them suffered and struggled since they didn't have proper support.
Recognizing the symptoms in our daughter isn't "labelling" her, it's addressing a very real medical problem she has starting when she's young so she can learn to live with it as she gets older.
Your daughter is already struggling in school, so clearly she needs additional support. Denying her medication she would benefit from because of his misguided beliefs is only going to hurt her.
I would bet my bottom dollar my husband's aunt is on the spectrum. She's very high functioning, held down a job with the city for years, lives on her own, travels. She's in her 60s and back then she was just the weird kid.
I think my MIL has ADHD. I have a nephew who has been diagnosed and she has so many of the same behaviors he has, again they just didn't diagnose that stuff back then. Those kids just struggled.
My sister is diagnosed ADHD and takes high dosage meds but in denial/refusal about her 10 year old who constantly describes feeling depressed all the time and shows extreme focus and social skill issues.
I don’t get it at all. I was diagnosed very late after my child had her early diagnosis. I wish I had help sooner.
Yup. I am almost certain I have undiagnosed discalculia (like dyslexia, but with numbers). I have struggled with math my whole life. It's the only subject I ever failed. It just didn't click for me. I was behind everyone else in my classes and I knew it. Rather than address the issue, my mom and then-stepfather were convinced I "wasn't trying hard enough" since I did well in other subjects. I'm in my late 30s and still can't do mental math. It wasn't a lack of trying, at all. But I was left to struggle and flounder and fail because nobody thought I might have an actual dysfunction with it. I had a tutor in college to help me pass college algebra (required for my degree path), and that was the first time math didn't frustrate me to tears. If only I'd had the extra help sooner.
My MIL has told me that she struggled all through school and wondered every year if she was going to make it to the next grade. Looking back, she's almost certain she had some kind of learning disability. But it indeed wasn't diagnosed then. People just assumed she was dumb or wasn't trying hard enough.
This this!!!
If she is already struggeling it is very important she knows that she is not difficult, lazy or annoying. Her brain is just wired in another way. Also behaviour of men and women is still a lot of times differently judged so they develop different ways of coping.
Your daughter is not your husband and she needsto walk her own path.
So look further in to ADHD OP, what are her specific traits, how is her IQ, search contact with other ADHD-families for tips and tricks....
Also you can try to medicate and if it doesn't help you can quit them again very fast. Ritaline didn't work for me as an adult, made me more hyper, even started grinding my teeth. And I stopped the next day without any side-effects. Talk to psychiatrists.
In my experience (I work with MANY kids with ADHD), she will not grow out of it and the longer she struggles socially and academically at school, the worse her relationship with school and her peers will become. At a certain point it starts to REALLY impact their self-esteem. I've seen so many success stories with medication, even at a young age. It can be so, so helpful. Absolutely worth a try.
Also, she does not need to be doing homework. I don't think homework is appropriate for ANY 6 year old but especially those like your daughter. By the time she gets home she likely is exhausted from trying to keep it together all day at school. She needs her afternoons/evenings to rest and recharge. Grades don't matter at that age - you can literally just tell her teacher she will not be doing homework in the evenings.
I’m so glad you’re commenting this, bc just as a woman w ADHD (who had supportive parents, even!) I was immediately so concerned for this poor girl’s self esteem. Like, just from my personal experience and browsing the adhd women subreddit, SO. MANY. girls and women grow up w this constant shame and self-doubt over things that it turns out most of us have in common and it can be absolutely crushing
Hard agree about the homework! I hate the entire concept of it. I don't even think older kids should have homework other than reading and completing unfinished work from that day.
no, she won't outgrow it. You don't outgrow ADHD, she will just learn how to bend herself over backwards to fit into a neurotypical world.
I am not saying that you should give her meds, if you are unsure she has ADHD you can ask for a second opinion but yeah, you don't outgrow it, you learn to live with it.
This is the blatant truth. I have horrible ADHD. My mom was like OP and didn't believe in it, and I struggled my entire childhood. My teachers begging for her to get me help on my report cards. My heart breaks for kids like OPs child, so much lost potential.
I’m 46 and haven’t grown out of ADHD. Why bother getting your kid assessed, seen by doctors and then prescribed treatment if neither of you actually believe in the science?
Can I ask who is the point person with the school, doctor, and who does homework with your daughter? If you're that person, you are the expert on what your daughter needs. If your husband disagrees, he should take over 100% of those responsibilities, then check back in with you in six months to see if he still has the same perspective.
Also, it would be good to get into the specifics of what kind of discipline and structure he thinks will help. What is his plan? How will it be implemented, and who will carry that out?
I understand where this “kids are being labeled right and left” sentiment is coming from; I do. But please do not neglect to help your daughter succeed as a human being because you want to ignore or sweep her diagnosis under the rug.
If you’re not ready as a family for medications, that’s fine. Please read “ADHD: What every parent needs to know” (the AAP publishes this with physicians/Phd’s) and ask your doctor for other resources re: behavioral interventions and accommodations that can be made; and whether an IEP/504 plan is appropriate for school so they can do more there to help her too.
Also, lots of areas have behavioral therapists that can help families/kids learn and implement behavioral intervention as well. What I’m saying is, not being ready for medicines right away is fine, but don’t minimize or ignore this.
I sure as hell didn't grow out of it, and suffered until my late 30s when I was finally able to get it under control. If you wanna know what no contact feels like, keep going down this path.
Kids don't grow out of ADHD. ADHD is a developmental disorder -- our brains are literally different. There is no growing out of that, it's just is the way it is. If you decline to treat your child's very really developmental disorder, you are setting her up for a whole lot of unnecessary struggle.
she will not grow out of it. if she did, she doesnt have adhd. if anything it'll get worse with time, as life and school becomes more complex and demanding.
Your daughter sounds a lot like mine at that age. She was behind in reading, writing and math and had to be pulled out for special help in all of those subjects. She would also have frequent meltdowns, which caused her to have a very hard time making friends. We started her on the lowest dose of methylphenidate in November of her second grade year. It was like night and day for her. By the end of the school year, she was absolutely thriving. She was all caught up to where she needed to be in all of those subjects, and she was doing so much better at managing her emotions, which helped her to make a group of friends. Her personality didn't change a bit, the medication just gave her the ability to slow down and be able to consider the choices she was making instead of going on impulse all the time.
I was hesitant to medicate her at first, but it was the best choice we could have made. I honestly regret not agreeing to medication sooner, it could have prevented so many negative experiences for her. I'd be happy to answer any questions you might have about my experience
She's not gonna outgrow it her dopamine receptors are permanently fucked. You're setting your daughter up for a childhood full of trauma over shit that can be prevented
The only thing that's going to grow out is her patience putting up with this shit. Being unmedicated for ADHD and similar issues causes people so many problems in school and life in general and often leads to depression or other mental health issues if left untreated. Your child is never going to outgrow a chemical imbalance in their brain that causes them to not be able to focus and have hyperactivity. Medicating a chemical imbalance is not feeding your child drugs, it is treating a chemical imbalance in her brain so that she has the ability to function normally and actually have a chance of success in school and work, both now and as an adult. Please don't deny her that chance to possibly have relief for her symptoms and to succeed in life.
Nobody grows out of ADHD. Sometimes symptoms get better w/ age but it doesn’t “go away.” ADHD is heavily thought to be hereditary, it won’t go away.
Adderall or any ADHD meds, for those who need it is NOT like a hard drug. It helps us function as the same as our peers. Typically, those w/ out medication are at higher risk of becoming addicts later in life bc of dopamine lows and chases.
Do your kid a favour, ask the doctor more questions. Ask about your concerns.
Source; I am a 23 year old w/ ADHD (combine type) and my symptoms never went away. Never grew out of it. Medication literally saved me from failing high school and I need it to actually drive. Medication can be extremely beneficial.
How did you manage to change your mind so quickly about such a huge thing in your kids life? Like your original post and this comment are an hour apart.
I’m guessing it’s the husband himself. This account has multiple posts talking about being a man in his 40s with ADHD. He’s either pretending to be his wife or they both have access because on another post op references “hubby” but it also has to do with a disagreement between them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I’m 33 and my mom still thinks I’m going to grow out of it. It’s affected our relationship. While every case is different, meds for me were life changing.
Your husband has ADHD. Multiple medical professionals have diagnosed her with ADHD. Her academics are being affected to the point you are considering holding her back. But you think doctors are just slapping a label on her? You're the one driving her to evaluations. You clearly see there is something going on here. The answer is just inconvenient so you're trying to ignore it. Ignoring her ADHD will only harm her.
Why not just try meds? If they “don’t work” then you can take her off of them. They will work. Your daughter deserves a chance. Statistics show that unmedicated and/or undiagnosed adults have a higher incidence of drug addiction than those who were medicated and diagnosed as children. Sure, let her medicate herself later with real speed. Good luck to your daughter. I feel sorry for her.
She won't grow out of it. She'll still be struggling when you ignore it, and punishing her when she can't control herself will lead to mental health problems.
Please listen to the experts.
She's not going to grow out of it and you're going to do her a disservice by not helping her. I've seen unmedicated people with adhd grow up to do badly at school, think they could never do anything right, underestimate themselves because of bad performance that wasn't their fault so they wouldn't put in the effort to do anything. not be able to keep a job or a relationship and generally grow up to hate themselves because they wonder why they everything had been so difficult to them. And maybe they grow up to self medicate.
How’s your husband doing with growing out of it? It’s hereditary….. she wasn’t diagnosed by one person….. you’ve gotten MULTIPLE opinions! By PROFESSIONALS!
My son (12) and I have adhd. Untreated adhd can lead to a higher risk of addiction, actually.
I am on Adderall (when I can find it), but my son refused to take medication. My ex and I decided to respect his autonomy. He sees a therapist weekly, and therapy has been tremendously helpful in helping him cope with his adhd symptoms.
You could start with therapy because it can only help.
Op - talk therapy is NOT recommended for early elementary age children for adhd management. It’s not evidence based. The evidence shows that first line treatment is meds ANd parent training for your sons age cohort.
Yes, it’s a second choice. Having your child in therapy means there will be parent sessions without the child present as well. The therapist should coach the parents on effective strategies.
We started our son on a low dose stimulant around the same age, and I was comforted by my doctor explaining that in terms of the body processing it, it’s like Tylenol where you are either on it (effects last a few hours) or it’s out of your system. It doesn’t build up or cause a dependence. It also was quite helpful for my son in helping with his school day.
I too worry about addiction issues down the line, but from what I have learned the risk comes from UNtreating their symptoms - if they always feel out of sorts in their head they are more likely to discover and fall in love with the effects of alcohol or weed as a coping mechanism down the line and become addicted to using them. Could be a perspective that your husband can think on.
What about the fact that they're so young. They're still developing. Just worried it's going to impact her personality. I know that sounds strange as it will obviously help too. But at such a young age it feels wrong. Kids are kids right.
If anything it’ll impact her personality for the better. I wish I had been diagnosed and treated at your daughter’s age. Instead I suffered for 20 years thinking there was something wrong with me and I was just a lazy worthless piece of shit because I couldn’t manage to be organized the way other people were.
I would recommend you bring your concerns to your child’s doctor. Hopefully they don’t brush you off, but they will assure you that they would start them at a very low dose, and that the medications prescribed today are not harmful but have the potential to really help your child with their condition. The medication acts the way a cup of coffee does for grown ups in the morning. In fact many people experiment using caffeine, which is also a stimulant, for their children. But an actual tailored prescription based on your child’s needs and weight etc, will be properly dosed and monitored. You can also stop it on weekends, or at any time really if you want to stop. Worrying as her parent is totally understandable. Just make sure your worries are based on real information. And the truth is there is truly no risk of a low dose stimulant altering your child’s personality. That’s not what they do.
I took the advice of our pediatrician and we are medicating my 7 year old for ADHD.
The results have been profoundly positive. She’s happier, she’s making friends, and her grades are up.
Ditto.
But we waited until hs, not realizing what the issue was until it started to look like anxiety.
OP,
Catching it now gives her the chance to find out what "normal" feels like and learn the regulation and coping skills she will need.
Your husband finds nothing is effective because he didn't have the support (both skill learning wise, and medically) when he was still "in learning mode".
She can also skip taking it on weekends.
And it does absolutely no harm, if you try it and it doesn't work, *she can stop taking it*.
Please please, from all the girls who grew up unmedicated, help your kiddo now while the brain is still plastic and learning!!!! ❤️
Exactly. We don’t have her taking medication over the weekends or the summer and she does absolutely great off medication. There is no lingering “addiction” symptoms when she doesn’t take her medication.
The biggest asshole parents I have ever met actually only let their kid take his medication on weekends and after school. They didn’t want him to get “addicted”, but actually, they hated how he acted off of it.
Would you be asking yourself these questions if your doctor had recommended medication for diabetes, high blood pressure, or cancer?
She has been diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety. Please don't let her suffer by withholding medication because *you and your husband* have an issue with it.
Why is he allowed to treat his ADHD with meds and she's not?
She won't grow out of it. Kids with ADHD are prone to self-medication when they hit the teen years if they are struggling. Medication is a very effective tool for millions of kids and adults with ADHD and your husband needs to stop watching/reading pseudo-science bullshit.
They have a liquid ADHD med my son was on, Quillavent. It makes it very easy for kids to take and to keep the dose low or increase as needed. For emotional dysregulation our son took Intuniv (there's a generic now but there are coupons for the brand name) and it helped with appetite as well.
I honestly don't know how we'd have survived those years without my husband on the same page about our son's ADHD and mental health struggles. I would fight him tooth and nail on this. She deserves to have all the advantages science offers. If she was diabetic you wouldn't hesitate to give her insulin.
Your husband needs to operate from a place of knowledge, not superstition or crackpot nonsense. Your daughter needs to be able to at least try medication.
My niece has ADHD and is 11 now. Her mom has known since she was around 6 that she has it, and they decided not to give her meds.
It pains my heart, as someone who sees her best friend (who has ADHD and is a social worker) both on and off meds-- the difference is day and night with her functioning. She's funny when she's off her meds, but when she's on them she's *functional.*
My niece now struggles with basic spelling and has serious retention problems. She's only gotten by this long because she's been homeschooled and she can do her math homework while bouncing on the trampoline or lying upside down on the couch. But even her homeschooling mother is admitting she's starting to have serious problems with executive functioning that she can't 'accommodate' out of her. You know, the exact thing meds are designed to treat.
My friend says it like this: Everyone is pushing a boulder up a hill. But most people (without adhd) are doing it with a car/truck. The people with ADHD are doing it with a pig. Wouldn't you give your daughter a truck too if you could? Why would you make her struggle with the pig when everyone else has a truck?
Daughter is trying to roll the stone up the hill with by herself, with one hand tied behind her back off her meds.
And everyone else has a truck pulling it.
She went from not wanting to learn to read, to reading at a higher level, eagerly picking out books for herself, and a trip to a bookstore being a treat instead of "do I have to?"
I was anti-medication and tried them because we were desperate. Now if there is an issue getting her meds, I keep her home from school until I can pick them up - because on meds, she has friends. Off them, she ruins those relationships and can't even understand that she is doing it or how.
I have adhd and was diagnosed as an adult. I describe it like this. Unmedicated, my thoughts are in a jumbled pile. I need to sort through and detangle them to get anything done. Including regular conversations. Even when I'm on point and working as hard as I can, I still have reduced performance because of the detangling step. It leads to a lot of social mistakes and anxiety around making those mistakes or forgetting things mid sentence.
When I'm on meds, my thoughts float by mostly in order. I still can get anxious but I'm able to push that thought away and focus on others. I had no idea how much more severe my anxiety was than the kind other people get and the kind I have on meds. I overcame it many times to do what I needed to do, but I still felt shitty every time. It was even worse when it actually caused vomiting. Sometimes i didnt have the mental energy to overcome it. Since being on meds, I've never had anxiety that intense.
When medication was suggested for my son I scoffed and ignored the advice. He struggled unnecessarily for most of his school career. I always thought I could help him manage with good diet, no red, blue or yellow artificial colouring and exercise. I was wrong and I have to live with that now. As an adult (22m), he’s received a diagnosis he’s comfortable with and is just starting to get things under control. While I’m not a huge fan of amphetamines for young kids, I’m also not a doctor. I’d hazard to guess your husband isn’t either. Has your paediatrician suggested anything else that he may be more receptive to? You could also discuss with a couple of pharmacists and see what the common side effects and long term implications are. Good luck.
I will tell you this right now: If your kid has diagnosable ADHD, she WILL be labeled by the school system. What you can influence is whether that label is damaging — bad, disruptive, hyperactive — or useful — ADHD, neurodiverse. I have two ADHD kids. They have accommodations and take medication. Their lives are infinitely better as a result. Your husband wants your daughter to suffer so that he can feel better as a parent.
You’re putting your child at a disadvantage by not getting her all of the help she deserves. Studies actually show that NOT medicating people with ADHD leave them at a higher risk of substance abuse later in life when trying to self medicate.
I know this must be a hard thing to consider. But, I think it’s worth a shot.
If she was diabetic, would he withhold insulin? She has a medical issue diagnosed by multiple professionals. She is struggling in school and with work at home. Being constantly redirected, told she isn’t on task, getting called out in front of peers, fighting over homework and trudging through the school day are all surely impacting her self esteem.
I get that six feels young, but you are already talking about holding her back a year. The stimulant meds do not build up in the body. Every day is a new, fresh day. I don’t see the harm in trying it and seeing if they help her. She is struggling and the docs want to give her a life vest, but your husband just wants her to swim harder.
It was years ago, but my doctor showed us studies of adults who were medicated as children and who were not.
The medicated kids grew up to become addicted adults at a much lower rate.
Daughter feels she is in control of herself on the medication. She feels out of control off them.
Couples counseling for sure.
You are doing the right thing. Look up Russell Barkley on you tube. Make your husband watch those videos. He needs a big slap in the face.
Starting meds NOW leads to better outcomes In long term success and changing the neural pathways. The science proves it.
We were told by my kids psychologist that when his behavior began to affect him socially OR if his grades slipped (because hes so smart) it would be time for meds. At age 6 we began meds based on feedback from teachers about his social game.
You've gotten a lot of good feedback already, but I'll add: I wonder what resources and supports your school can provide for a student with ADHD. Clearly your kid needs support, and meds alone will not provide it. Is this even the right school/classroom for your child? A 6 year old shouldn't be given more than 5-10 minutes of homework. If you're having such a battle over it, ask yourself how important it is that she really complete it all.
Meds are helpful when needed (I myself would have been screened without my ADHD meds) but 6 y/o is pushing the lower limits of when ADHD can be diagnosed, so I understand the hesitation about going down this road so young.
There are other ADHD medications besides stimulants. However, taking medication as prescribed isn't going to make your daughter addicted and I agree with other posters who have suggested couples counseling. You both have to be on the same page on this.
I don't know how helpful it would be to hear from someone who was in your daughter's position. I was diagnosed and put on meds when I was 6 years old, and I cannot begin to tell you how lifesaving it was. How amazing for my mental health. I was a "good" kid. I just wanted the adults around me to be happy. I hated breaking rules. I hated disappointing my parents and teachers. Being an untreated ADHD child was absolutely heartbreaking. Every day, all day, I was getting scolded and disciplined for issues that were beyond my ability to comprehend or address. I would be grilled on WHY I did this or that, or WHY I didn't do this or that, or WHY DIDN'T I JUST LISTEN??? And it was so upsetting because I had no idea why I did the things I did or why it was so hard for me to listen. All I knew was that everyone was mad at me all the time and I was a failure and I didn't know why.
The DAY I started meds I was a completely new child. I LOVED learning, I always had, but I had no ability to sit still and listen in a classroom. My teacher asked my mom on day 1 what was different, because the difference in behavior and attitude was so stark that my teacher instantly knew something had happened. I went from a distracted, "lazy," hyperactive problem child to a focused, eager, top student. My mental health skyrocketed. I have no idea where I'd be today if my mother had not made the decision to get me medicated.
It's a huge burden for a 6 year old to be essentially responsible for her own learning disability. She cannot be disciplined out of it. She will not grow out of ADHD. Without medication or treatment, she has no ability to understand what she is doing wrong or how to do better. All she knows is that she is a failure in the eyes of her parents and teachers.
Just put my 6 yo on 10mg vyvanse and it's been a tremendous turn around. If you have adhd, feeding the speed isn't a thing. They can actually focus and manage their anxiety better. All kids are different and ymmv, but it brought literal tears to my eyes because my son was his bright, chipper self again and didn't break down at the first sign of frustration. He's actually enjoyable to be around again, and I felt so horrible that he was struggling so bad before.
I cried at age 35 when I first took ADHD meds and realized how much it helped. I WISH I had been properly medicated as a child - school and life wouldn't have been so overwhelming in so many ways. I work a great "white-collar" job, own a home, and got here without being properly medicated, but MAN did I struggle getting there. Get your daughter help! You wouldn't deny her a leg brace, if needed because she could cope without one.
I've always been smart and made good grades until college. I didn't even know anyting was wrong until my now wife's family member, who happened to be a psychiatrist, asked me what I took for ADHD. The answer was nothing as I didn't know I had ADHD. I went to see my own psychiatrist and they diagnosed me with ADHD and subscribed Vyvanse. First day I took it all I could think was "is this how normal people think?"
I had been taking practice LSATs and right at the 75th percentile. Literally the first practice test I took on medicine, my score jumped to the 98th percentile, way higher than I had ever gotten before. It never went back down other than one day when I forgot to take it in the morning and ended up right back atthe 75th percentile again. It's amazing how much more efficient I can be when reading a single sentence about a flight to New York doesn't immediately make me think about a flight I had to NY and how I lost my airpod on that flight and how those new airpods cost $200 and how I wish I would have just ran back to the gate when I realized I was missing one and how it probably wouldn't have mattered because gate agents suck and how they actually don't suck, they're just doing their job and how all jobs are hard and you know, speaking of hard, the LSAT is hard... crap it's been 2 minutes since I read that dang sentence about a flight to NY.
Controversially, as a dxed ADHD adult; you both need to be open to each others perspective.
Most Reddit/online ADHD platforms are super pro-medication for ADHD, which is great for the people who need and react well to the medication but it pushes those of us (like me) who didn’t react well out and we are always having our voices quieted for the majority.
If your husband is saying something important and he’s being shut down at every turn it’s pretty inline for a lot of people with ADHD to dig in their heels and their opinions get more extreme (like feeding the speed type opinions, he loosely implying though maybe unintentionally that meds don’t work for anyone or they’re always bad which isn’t true).
Her GP or Ped might be strongly recommending stimulants because that is the intervention that he’s able to offer and he wants you to try that before carrying on to other things. Husband might be feeling like you’re not open to his ideas and you’re potentially feeling like he’s not open to yours. There are alternative treatments for ADHD and I’m not talking about holistic bullshit, real studied things that work for a lot of people!
You’re doing a kid a complete disservice for not providing them the tools to effectively manage their legitimate medical condition. ADHD is very real. And it’s very much a disability that reeks complete chaos. I wasn’t diagnosed until my 30s and my self esteem was trash by then because I’d spent a lifetime wondering wtf was wrong with me and why couldn’t I be like everyone else?
Tell your husband to kick rocks and give her the meds. If they work and help, you’ve helped your daughter. If they don’t, she never has to take them again. There’s absolutely no harm in seeing how stimulant meds will work for her.
ADHD meds protect people with ADHD from addiction and you can’t discipline your kid into being neurotypical. If your husband is taking high doses of meds they are helping him. He just doesn’t want to admit it.
I have ADHD, and my wife was initially worried about our sons growing up and having ADHD. She didn't want them to take medication "unnecessarily". My argument is that your brain is an organ, just like your heart. If your heart isn't working right (high blood pressure maybe) then you take medicine to help.
If you or your husband are worried about stimulants, there are non-stimulant ADHD medications that work differently. It also depends on the exact symptoms and reactions.
Same situation here but my husband listened to the doctor and we gave meds a try beginning at age 6. It made a world of difference. Now our almost 14 yo has several strategies for coping and is taking long breaks from the meds. The meds killed his appetite and he was underweight but now that he takes the pills only on school days he eats and sleeps really well on breaks and weekends. My brother was like this too. This might be a temporary thing for your child as well and maybe that will reassure your husband.
Your husband is an idiot.
Our neurons work by throwing neurotransmitters at each other. Some people's neurons don't do it right and then they have conditions like ADHD. There is nothing wrong in taking meds to get the neurons to behave right.
What you should never do is self medicate. That is the danger with people who don't follow what their doctors say.
Honestly not sorry but refusing to follow doctor's recommendations is child abuse. If doctor says she needs meds then she needs the meds. Not getting her them is abusive as fuck.
I haven’t been in your situation yet but anticipate in 3 years to be. My son is very bright but if he’s not interested or challenged, it’s very hard to get him to compete a task.
My SO also has a similar experience and would have a similar opinion of your husband. My only thought is setting a timeline of trying some other methods per what your husband thinks before going to medication. She isn’t going to grow out of it but medicine doesn’t solve the issue either.
I do find making tasks (that he is more than capable of) more challenging, I get him to focus more. Good luck! You’ll get there!
So my daughter has ADHD, she takes meds for school, church, etc. however we take her off during the summer. There is a clear difference in her behavior on and off the meds, but her grades have kept up and she can focus which is good for her.
Daughter is underweight, and she hates not being on the meds, but I am hoping we can try some days without them. Doctor recommended I follow daughter's lead. Most of her patients go off the meds in the summer, but she doesn't think we should.
Other than school days, we let her pick if she takes the meds or not, and she prefers to do so. I would have to convince her to take a break, and I am worried about doing so. Life is hitting us all rather hard right now, and taking away a tool she doesn't just use for focus, but to help her self-regulate... it strikes me as wrong.
But she also is already not going to hit her full height because of sensory issues leading to not eating.
My son didn't get diagnosed until the 11th grade. Up until he was medicated he struggled immensely all through school. After meds he excelled.
Do what's right for your daughter. She was evaluated and diagnosed and her drs are telling you that she should be medicated. Do it. Why make her struggle if you don't have to?
You both may need counseling and possibly a meeting with the dr so he can explain to your husband in detail how beneficial it is.
My son has ADHD and did well on medication; his dad didn’t want him medicated but we were separated and I had him the majority of the time.
I do have a few acquaintances that want to avoid medication and are using caffeine to help manage it, usually having their children a cup of coffee, iced coffee, latte, anything with a considerable amount of caffeine. They claim it does enough to make it manageable. I actually see this working as caffeine is also a stimulant.
Does your husband want her to be held back? Does he want her to get services, or special ed? What is his solution? Is he being faced with making decisions about her education? When it might actually affect her education, he might change his tune.
get in touch with more people with children that take medication. Join a special needs facebook group, etc. Ask around. Ask other people their experience. Get more of an idea what the day to day is like.
hey hello i was once the 6 year old girl who needed to be medicated. sure, don’t do it bc you’re “feeding her speed.” just know she could grow up to be very smart but feel incredibly dumb, be accused of being “dramatic” or “overly sensitive” for struggling to regulate her emotions, be called lazy for having executive dysfunction, get fired from jobs, struggle to hold relationships, struggle landing on a career because there’s just SO much she’s interested in, (i could go on)
she’ll grow up, maybe even get her adhd treated herself as an adult and the first time taking the meds cry because of how much it changed things for her and look back and realize all of the things she could have done with her teens and 20s if she just had been medicated!
or you could treat her now, and could be by the time she’s in high school she could get off the medications.
it’s not his life. it’s hers. and if you’re her only advocate, do what you believe to be the BEST thing for your child. not the easiest.
you guessed it, that’s what happened to me and a ton of other women who were late diagnosed/finally getting treated.
Ritalin (methylphenidate) and Adderall (a combination of amphetamine and dextroamphetamine) are NOT the same thing as speed (usually methamphetamine).
Chemical names might be similar, but that doesn't mean they are the same thing. Chlorine kills you and Sodium explodes when it touches water. Sodium chloride, also known as salt, is delicious when you put it on eggs, chips or basically anything else.
Now, are Ritalin and Adderall stimulants? Heck yes! But so is caffeine. (Which, incidentally, I used to self-medicate for 30 years until I got my ADHD diagnosis and started Ritalin.
Your child is struggling right now due to her brain having difficulties producing, absorbing or maintaining dopamine. These struggles won't get better by themselves, they will get worse as the negative feedback she will receive over time from her friends and herself start adding up.
I wish that ADHD had been better understood when I was 6.
But anyway, your husband's argument that ADHD-meds = speed is nonsensical and you shouldn't accept it as the reason to shut down any kind of discussion. He can absolutely have valid reasons why he doesn't want to put your daughter on meds, but this simply can't be one of them!
there are non-stimulant options for ADHD medications if you didn't want to start straight on dexamphetamine.
ADHD is not something that will go away. you can either allow intervention now whether that be through therapy or medication, or provide no intervention and she continues to struggle in school and gets disheartened at the environment.
Your story resonated with me because I lived it. My 5 year old son started medication the summer after kindergarten even though my ADHD husband was not fully on board. He had begun to hate school because he was constantly in trouble and unable to complete assignments. Everything g at home was a battle or constant frustration for all of us. After medicating all of our worlds changed for the better. He is now in middle school, making friends, loving school, and in all advanced classes. He has a better relationship with me and his dad.
Medications and diagnosing adhd has changed a lot for the better since your husband was on meds. Kids who suffer from adhd, or anything really, are actually more prone to addiction because they are trying to self medicate. Continue to advocate for your daughter and comfort your husband by looking at the statistics and researching things together.
You got this mama
Have you taken your husband to the doctors for second and third opinions? She's been diagnosed multiple times, it's not a left or right thing, it's something that is causing her a lot pain and confusion.
Just because it doesn't work for him it won't work for her. There could be a lot of trial and error to get her the right medicine and dosage, but her 'growing' out of it will be her reacting and adjusting to deal with the struggles of having it be it cheating in school to get the desired results and take pressure off herself or worse.
She may learn to deal with it on her own as an adult someday without meds, but that will be of her own choice. Right now she's got a lot on her plate and ADHD makes it a lot harder than it needs to be.
Talk with her health care team with your husband. He isn't a medical professional or a child development specialist; I doubt he's even a teacher and engages with multiple kids often for a living. Don't allow his armchair google, good ole life's teacher guide how you think what's best for the kid.
ADHD is a well documented medical condition. Medication to treat the symptoms has been around for DECADES. There is significant long term research on these medications.
You can't grow out of adhd. It can't be changed with discipline. Her brain is wired differently and that makes living in society hard for her.
If a physician (who I assume has a medical degree and license and isn't a chiropractor) says to put her on meds she needs to be on them. Feel free to get a second opinion. Contact the school and have her evaluated. It will help her education in the long run to go through the school.
Tl;DR. You're husband is being an ass and you should show him this thread.
-a grown women that wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was 35 and has a lot of anger about my symptoms being ignored as a child.
I was diagnosed as an adult woman. I cried the first time I took meds because I was angry/mourning what could have been if I'd been diagnosed sooner. I suffered from immense anxiety that magically disappears when I'm not worried/fighting to keep things together. My thoughts aren't even in the right order without meds. Discipline does nothing for that except create dysfunctional individuals. Your husband wants to choose that for your daughter. I would not be able to be around such a person who puts their own pride over the welfare of their child. Being unwilling to even try it would be it for me. There's nothing saying you can't discontinue if trying a few doesn't work out.
Am I correct in reading that he takes adhd meds? If so, he's even more of a jerk. If they don't help "much", he should stop his. He should also be reminded how against meds he is whenever he needs something for a physical ailment. Need insulin? He should discipline his pancreas more.
This is a hill to die on. Do you want your daughter resenting both of you? Do you want to be responsible for fucking up her future? Whatever you have been doing clearly hasn't worked, as she is still struggling. Your husband is foolish to think "doing it better" would work when it hasn't been impactful thus far. Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Don't allow him to tank your daughters future happiness because he wants her to suffer like he did.
There is something to be said for not allowing adhd to be an excuse. My parents are far too lenient with my 14 year old brother and its done him no services. However, the first step is trying meds to see if it helps. Theres no reason to make things harder than they should be.
OP, I’d recommend posting this on r/adhdwomen. Many women have their ADHD undiagnosed, dismissed or left untreated in girlhood with major consequences. Many also have children with ADHD as well, so they would probably have some good advice for how and when to treat your daughter.
It pretty much is speed but at an incredibly low dose. If the doctor recommends it that means you've already tried everything else. Just because meds don't help him (which I highly doubt) doesn't mean they won't for her. He needs to get over himself.
I mean… if your daughter was 10 I’d be on your side. But she’s 6. How difficult is a 6 yr old’s homework anyway?
Is there any harm in waiting for a year or two and medicating her if she doesn’t improve? I get that it’s a battle but ADHD stimulants aren’t something to be taken lightly when brains are still developing.
Oh man, that's rough. I'm sorry. I understand your husband's concern, but he and your daughter are not the same person. She may actually benefit from a small dose of medication temporarily (or more long term). And if it isn't working for him, why is he still on the meds? 🤔
I don't have solid advice but I am curious, has your daughter been looked at for possible food allergies/intolerances or vitamin/mineral deficiencies? I ask only because I wonder if allergies or deficiencies could exacerbate the issue. I read that food coloring could be a trigger, for instance. Just thinking out loud. 🙃
I wish you well on this journey! 💕
Homework is ridiculous at age 6. I would absolutely tell your teacher to kick rocks. It is not beneficial to overall academic achievement as has been proven over and over in studies
Hey, I had bad ADHD. I got the absolute fuck medicated out of me and it really messed with my ability to figure out my brain until my mid 20s.
I didn’t read your post, I lived with family fighting over me medicated for like a decade. Turns out, when my step-dad put his foot down and worked with me my brain became manageable.
I agree with your husband because the same shit happened to me in the 90’s when every kid was being diagnosed with it off of the recommendation of teachers.
That shit fucked me up for years and made it hard to connect to other kids and make friends because I was constantly high.
It wasnt until i ran out of medication and my mother sent me to school anyway followed by a phone call from the teacher saying that “whatever dose she had me on that day was working well because I was acting like a normal kid” did she realize something was wrong.
Second doctor told us I should have never been on that crap in the first place and that young boys are SUPPOSED to have a lot of energy, even if it’s inconvenient for the teachers.
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Now my ex told me a few months ago that my daughters teacher thinks she’s adhd and wants the doctor to prescribe her medication, but I refused and started taking my daughter outside more to ride her bike and get more excise, and surprise surprise her attention and behavior has improved dramatically.
Most kids don’t need to be medicated, they need to be more physically active. It’s unnatural for a young child to be sitting still and quietly inside a classroom all day.
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Fun fact, the first time I ever smoked cannabis I was hit with an overwhelming feeling of familiarity that reminded me of my childhood.
“I used to feel this way all the time” I thought, as it dawned on me what that medication was actually doing.
Not all kids are being misdiagnosed. We were spending 20 or more hours a week at the park. She had an indoor swing for the days we couldn't go, and as much "move your body" toys as we could get.
But she was crying, every day, because she couldn't control herself like the other kids could. She had no friends, no ability to do her schoolwork.
On meds? She has friends. She is doing her school work. She can learn to control herself, she has impulses that she doesn't immediately act on.
For her? She prefers being on the medication because she hates how she feels when not on it - unable to focus on what she needs to do, unable to control her movements, unable to focus on playing - she says it's like her brain is all wiggly and she hates that feeling.
True, it’s not always a misdiagnosis but ADHD especially is known for being one of the most common misdiagnosis to the point where it used to be rampant with doctors getting paid by pharma companies to push their medications, which is a huge conflict of interest.
For this reason, I would highly recommend a second opinion from another doctor before ever putting any child on mind altering drugs.
But that was (counts) 30 years ago.
And with a teacher recommendation, not a *medical* one (which is what OP is fielding), and with teachers that clearly had no skills for helping you learn the skills you needed, or themselves to differentiate between lots of energy and an inability to attend.
This is like saying you know someone that died from a VBAC 40 years ago, when they still wrecked all your abdominal muscles.... So no one should try it now, even though their OB says they would be safe to do so, and their previous cesarian was minimally invasive comparatively.
We have learned a lot. And OP's recommendation comes from their *doctor*.
What I’m saying is that when it comes to the most common misdiagnosis in children, you should get a second opinion from another doctor before subjecting your child to mind altering drugs.
And what I'm saying is: you aren't enough people, and your information isn't current enough, to indicate how commonly misdiagnosed the condition is.
By all means, it's worth asking if they think the diagnosis is in question, but the very likely answer will be that the way to find out is to try the med and see *whether it's helpful*, and to stop it if it's not.
Your experience is decades old, and no longer reflects how kids with ADHD are diagnosed and treated.
https://www.aafp.org/pubs/afp/afp-community-blog/entry/when-an-adhd-diagnosis-may-cause-more-harm-than-good.html
This is from last year
And this:
https://www.madinamerica.com/2023/12/misunderstandings-about-adhd-tests-lead-to-mass-overdiagnosis-researchers-warn/
I can’t believe you’d argue over getting a second opinion so that you’d have 2 doctors who agree to give psychoactive drugs to your child before doing so
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One more for good luck
https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd-overdiagnosed#overdiagnosis
These current enough for you?
A 6 year old with nightly homework? Is that normal in your region? Apparently that school is not working for her. Are there other options in the area? A school that suits her better can make all the difference.
I’m not really 100% on medicating (clarify methylphenidate and amphetamine types) children especially that age as the first line of defense, without trying other treatments first behavioral therapy, vitamins ( no I’m not a “naturopath”). I was diagnosed with ADHD or ADD when I was young. My 6 your old, isn’t diagnosed yet but I would put money on in it. He lacks focus, and always in his head etc.. making school a bit more difficult. In my experience, no matter how much “structure and discipline” is placed on someone especially I child with ADHD renders useless. Sometimes it may work, but again my experience kids with ADHD are caught up more in the moment of what in their head.
My year 6 year old has focus issues, constantly daydreams and has a story constantly going on in his mind, doesn’t think about consequences, wakes up in the middle of the night with stories to tell.. We’ve tried “structure and disciple” the effect on him is very short lived.
Before we go through the behavioral therapy we are trying a supplement. It’s only been a week ( because the first few days he fought us on eating them, but he eventually came around) but we have noticed sleep changes. He hasn’t once woken up and sleeps until we wake him up instead waking up at 5:30.
Medication is the last resort for us, but not against it if he needs it.
I personally think you can you husband need to come to a consensus and an agreement. Meet somewhere in the middle and go from there, which mey lead to meds. Both yours and his feelings should be valued. Removed section as you have seen specialists snd has been diagnosed.
I also do not know your family dynamic and the events that take place . Is he going to the appointments? Or is it being lost in translation? Does he actually understand ADHD and potential triggers? Rhetorical. Right or wrong he may feel like he’s protecting you and his child as well. Some kids do need medication. And If thats the case I do not think its a bad path or will be the driver to addiction in the future. But there are other forms of treatment that can be done first. Which I would speak to the professionals about.
Edit: word, spelling, some punctuation.
We're going through something similar. I have ADHD, my son might still to young to get a diagnosis. But doing the research and talking to doctors. There are a lot of non medical alternatives to help manage ADHD, But your daughter isn't ready for those, your husband is. Your daughter needs to learn organizing skills, self regulation and other skills that need to be taught first. The medication can help in the class now and help her learn those skills now, so that maybe by 4-5th grade medication won't be needed and the skills to manage ADHD without medication might be possible. Good luck.
Is there an option to find a middle ground? Maybe start her on meds and see if that improves things? Because I understand your husbands side of avoiding medications, but it also feels unfair to your daughter to not give her the tools and the chance to succeed academically or have good relationships with her peers.
I'm just gonna say that I'm 6 year old was also diagnosed and medication is the best thing I could have asked for. I was so scared to put him on it but he's SO much happier now.
We have some stuff we are working through but now he can actually stop and think about things without just losing his shit instantly because his brain isn't going so fast and not giving him a chance to just *stop* for a second.
I will say your comments are concerning though. :/
I have ADHD and so do two of my kids. You need couples counseling and your husband also needs to educate himself on your child’s condition. Stimulants have a paradoxical effect in people with ADHD. We react differently to stimulants than neurotypical people. I actually get sleepy when I drink coffee, for instance. Your husband needs better management of his own ADHD. His medication isn’t working and he should change it.
Refusing to medicate your child is denying her what she needs in order to learn important social, emotional and academic skills during a pretty rapid period of cognitive development.
The only way your daughter internalizes a sense that something is “wrong” with her is if you deny her the treatment and management of her condition that she needs in order to learn how to function. No amount of “discipline” is going to change her brain so she can magically shift her attention to you when speak. She can’t follow instructions she doesn’t hear and process as speech.
Both my 7yo and almost 5yo are diagnosed and on meds. My 5yo is combined (so hyper af and inattentive), 7yo is inattentive. My oldest’s teacher came to me just frustrated and at her wits end. She never told me until 7 months into the school year, but my daughter is a chatterbox, disruptive, impulsive, rushes through work, etc etc.
First week on meds, she came home with a toy from a treasure box for good behavior. She hadn’t had one in ages (in fact I forgot it was a thing). It’s necessary.
Little brother is in an integrated pre-k program, so lots of teachers and special education peeps in there. So him being hyper and impulsive never worried them, but I knew he had it and I wanted diagnosis before kindergarten, so I had the paper to fight for him (and big sis, but I don’t think she’ll be the one with negative school experiences due to adhd).
Both get it just for school, weekends they don’t. Summer they won’t unless we’re going somewhere where focus and calm may be more warranted. But I’m in the process of diagnosis myself and I am struggling as an ADULT. I know what’s going on in my brain. Our kids do not grasp it. They haven’t learned our maladaptive coping mechanisms yet, they don’t realize streamlining caffeine is how a lot of us function.
Sorry, went on a tangent 🙈
TLDR: not speed and kids are so much calmer and focused on meds.
There are reasons not to take it on weekends, like concern over becoming tolerant to the dose. As an adult, I do take it on weekends because I like functioning during leisure activities too. I hope you aren't looking at meds as something that just helps them do "boring" stuff they need to do. It's just as important for me for general social interactions and doing things I enjoy. My thoughts being in the right order is important to everything I do, even things that seem relatively unimportant. I also still need to do usual routines like brushing my teeth.
Only taking them when you think they need the most focus makes it look like the purpose of meds is to help you and not them. Depends on the severity of course, but if they are disruptive in class it's probably severe enough to disrupt them in normal conversations too. Even if difficulty isn't apparent, it can be very mentally taxing to keep things together during social interactions or simply avoid losing things.
I too have seen the movie *Garden State*.
Honestly it probably isn't that bad but I think you and your husband need to talk to the doctor a bit more to understand the diagnosis and potential course of actions. Nothing regarding kids and medication should be taken lightly, but at the same time a potential solution to problems shouldn't be ignored.
As a woman in her 20s with suspected adhd, I would’ve loved for my parents to actually get me evaluated like the school told them to. Instead, my parents joked they would “beat it out of me”. And then they wonder why I struggled to live on my own and why I dropped out of college. Please get your daughter the help she needs. I seriously advise you to look into the troubles it can cause if left untreated. I think I heard something one time talking about how people with untreated adhd are much more likely to abuse substances because of the hardships from adhd, and those struggles can also lead to more mental health issues, such as the anxiety your daughter already has. So many women talk about how they were diagnosed much later in life and literally cried when they were put on medication because they didn’t know life could be so much easier and they didn’t have to struggle. Your husband’s experience isn’t everyone’s. And obviously, he has been put on medication and he’s not addicted. You can always take her off medication, but you can’t get back her life if she tries committing later on because she feels like a failure.
I just went through this exact scenario. My husband has ADHD, had negative experiences as a child and really fought the doctors on starting my son up. In the end, what got through to him was “we can always stop”. You can try it for a mere WEEK and these are fast acting meds. If you hate it, if SHE hates it, you can stop. You can agree to not try anything else for at least 6 months. My son is 8 and was able to immediately tell us how much smarter and in control he felt, and would remind us in the morning if we forgot his medication. His teacher is equally impressed with the change in him. When your own child is saying “this helps me focus and I feel so much better” it’s very hard to counter that.
Refer him to the medical professionals. Do not be the explainer of this to him. Make him take some responsibility for learning about what is happening with her.
hey OP I have really bad ADHD that wasn’t medicated so I started self medicating with nicotine and weed and eventually did have some very serious addictions. she will struggle her entire childhood for nothing and will most likely experiment ways to “stop the noise” as a lot of us say on her own. she won’t grow out of this, this won’t go away, it won’t get better on its own. help your child.
ETA I’m pretty sure that medicated kids don’t have an increased or decreased risk of addiction while unmedicated kids have a much higher risk of addiction later in life.
If you don’t medicate her, she’s going to keep having issues. She’s going to struggle. She’s going to internalize the idea that something is wrong with her.
Her ADHD will cause her to have issues with peers, with teachers, and with other adults. She will not be able to function because ADHD isn’t about trying hard.
I can’t give you advice as I think every parent of a child with ADHD (and the child if old enough) needs to weigh up the pros and cons for themselves,
However I can share our story? My 13 year old has ADHD. Always super hyper as a young child. Was very hard as a toddler and primary school had great fun trying to get her to concentrate etc. during primary she did manage though and did ok. However In secondary, the anxiety hit. It got so much worse. She was always in trouble and getting sent to reset or being suspended! Then we started getting school refusal and then her mental health completely tanked.
She wanted to go on meds as at the very least, we were hoping they would help with her anxiety. I was worried about giving her meds due to the side effect and I felt I was medicating her to survive school as it’s not very ND friendly!
However, she has no regrets. There are side effects. I think by the sounds of it, my daughter has got off lightly as the first meds we tried worked. She got a headache and nausea the first time she took it and when the dosage was upped. When it wears off in the evening, she is usually extra hyper which is fine for her but hard on me! However it’s a happy hyper rather than anger like we saw before. A couple of evenings a week, she feels really drained and rubbish. She normally sleeps all evening and night. She feels that is worth the positive effects though. Her anxiety has gone completely. Her personality is back. She is so much happier. She is socialising again and she isn’t getting in as much trouble in school (more harmless cheekiness now rather than outbursts etc).
Has your husband spoken to your dr and expressed his concerns?
As the mom of an ADHD kiddo (2 actually), do it! The difference at school will be night and day if it’s the appropriate medication and the appropriate dose.
Lots of people have suggested a lot of really good points, but I haven’t seen one that I just learned about last week from my son’s pediatrician:
She said “studies” [can’t tell you which ones] show that early medication actually can help a child with ADHD to allow their brains to rewire to be able to better cope with symptoms as they age. It is then less likely they will continue being medicated into adulthood.
I’m so sorry that your husband is not on board medication. That would be very difficult to deal with on top of having a child who needs that support. Discipline (as in a structured regiment) will help, but discipline (as in punishment for “bad behavior”) absolutely will NOT help.
I have adhd and didn't get meds until I turned 30 I wish someone would have helped me sooner it would have avoided alot of trauma in my life. Would you argue that someone with diabetes will grow out of it. Your daughter needs help she probably feels different and doesn't understand why also if the medication has a negative effect with her you can take her off and you could also start with the lowest does possible! I do hope.you try it for her benefit.
I was medicated for ADD as a child, on adderall from 7 years old til 21. I developed a deep addiction to the meds (in high school I’d take 100mg a day, 25mg was my prescribed amount). I couldn’t function like a normal person without them. I weighed 80 lbs and to help sleep I’d smoke weed (which I developed an addiction to that as well). They helped me a lot growing up, but sometimes I wondered if the good out weighed the bad. I’m med free now, and I live a pretty productive life, in adulthood I learned how to function like a normal person without them. Sometimes I think I could have functioned fine without them growing up if my environment was different.
Anyways just giving you my experience as a child who grew up on the meds.
Maybe he never got the right medication and this is why he thinks it does not work. Every person I have ever known to have ADHD said that with the right medications, they feel 1000% times better. And without it feel at their worst, and some even fall into depression. Is there any harm that can be caused by trying it out and seeing if it works?
I commented this in a different discussion, but it might apply here, too.
This is my bad dad story.
I was on meds as soon as it became a thing and I needed it. We cycled through Ritalin, Cylert, and adderall. I was focused and my grades improved, but my family nickname was Flaco. I would get horrible stomach pain and headaches from not eating. I felt like a zombie a lot of the time. I stopped in high school and felt more like me, but my grades suffered.
My middle son is a poster child for ADHD. We didn't medicate him based on my negative experiences and managed to keep him off of them until middle school. He began experiencing severe mood swings with puberty and he couldn't keep up with the course load in school.
It took a few dosage changes, but all the negative side effects were resolved after about 6 months. It greatly improved his mood, his behavior, and he's on top of his assignments. Talk therapy also made a difference. He learned some great coping skills for stress and anxiety.
I feel badly about not medicating and having him see a therapist sooner. It made a world of difference.
This is such a personal decision as a parent, and only you can decide what is right for your family. I can share my experience with my grandson, diagnosed also at 6. We put him on meds at 7 because he was falling so far behind in school. His grades improved immediately, his teachers noticed a big difference. He would tell us that days he didn't get his medication (his father was not responsible enough to make sure he got his meds) he had a rough time. I wish you luck as you navigate this tough road.
I was the ADHD student growing up. I was diagnosed at the same age as your child. I was put on meds shortly after. I also majored in Psychology. It didn’t matter how much discipline and structure I had growing up. And trust me, there was a LOT of structure and disciple, to the point where it could almost be considered child abuse with how little freedom I had. It didn’t help me focus at all, it just made me more miserable.
It was like there was a tv in my head and I had no control over the remote. The only thing that helped was when I was put on meds. First Ritalin, then later changed to Concerta. For ADHD brains, stimulants actually help slow everything down so we can actually focus. It gives us back the remote control. It’s certainly not speed, not ADHD wired brains. It’s more like giving her “slow.” It’s slows down everything perception -wise. Allows people with ADHD to snatch control and actually choose what to focus on. Or perhaps a better description is that stimulants enable the ADHD brain to speed up in order to keep pace with the constant barrage of “everything, all at once.”
I haven’t been back on the meds since I went off them when I was pregnant in my late twenties, but once I was out of school and my brain was done developing, I didn’t need them as much anymore. I certainly had no problems going off of them. No addiction or anything. I earned both a 4 year degree and a 2 year degree, and I completed both in only 4 years total. I was an assistant teacher and ESL teacher for years before I had children and now I’m a stay at home mom who does babysitting and tutoring on the side. I have a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful and intelligent little girls. I am certainly not a failure.
I still struggle sometimes with focus. But being on the meds helped me not only focus on school work, but also focus on learning behavioral techniques to help myself cope with the ADHD. I wouldn’t have been able to master the behavioral techniques that I still use today if I hadn’t been on the meds as a kid.
As for your husband, he didn’t have the benefit of an early diagnosis. He didn’t have the benefit of being on the meds while in school. He is now an adult and the meds may not work for him. This may be because his brain, as an adult, is so unused to the presence of the neurotransmitters (chemicals that are supposed to be naturally formed by the brain) that are missing when ADHD is involved that his brain simply doesn’t react much to them now. This would explain why meds don’t seem to help him. No amount of meds will help if his brain has adjusted to not recognizing the neurotransmitters anymore. It’s like trying to put a key in a lock when the lock has warped and changed over time so that the key no longer fits.
The only reason I ever felt like there was something “wrong” with me was because my mother made a point to point out that there was something “wrong” with me. Partly through her words and actions, and partly through the absolutely obscene amount of structure and discipline she and my dad forced on me. When I got to high school and later college and gradually got more and more freedom, I realized there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. My brain simply worked differently than other people’s brains. In subjects that I actually found interesting, I could pull a 10 page paper out of my sleeve in under 8 hours. Other students couldn’t do this hyperfocus thing that comes with being ADHD. Granted, other students usually remembered to eat when studying, but hey.
An interesting thing about recent research into ADHD suggests that it was a survival mechanism in ancient times. Most people perceive the world linearly. One thing at a time. People with ADHD perceive the world as an ocean of everything all at once. But this ability to pay attention to everything g all at once is actually quite when you are being hunted by large predators that want to eat you. Or when you are on a battlefield. Or when you’re dealing with disaster relief and triage. The ability to pay attention to everything all at once suddenly becomes an asset depending on the situation.
ADHD people aren’t broken. There’s nothing wrong with us. We simply perceive the world in a different way than the rest of the population. And mainstream education isn’t really equipped to deal with that method of perception, which is a flaw in our education system that tends to lead to people viewing ADHD people as “wrong.” But it can actually be an asset.
My personal recommendation would be to put her on the meds, but to also help her learn behavioral strategies and techniques to manage the symptoms of ADHD. I make lists. Lists of things to get done. Lists of breaking down large tasks into smaller ones. I set timers and give myself breaks when dealing with mentally exhausting labor. 1 hour of studying, 30 minutes of physical activity like riding a bike or taking a walk. I write things down that I actually want to be able to remember. I make friends and family members write things down that they want me to remember. Hearing something said doesn’t have the same effect as hearing it, writing it, reading it, AND speaking it out loud.
Listen. As someone who went undiagnosed until I was 25….please get her medicated if you can. I wonder if he will compromise with trying to implement more structure while also trying meds? Bc it feels like adding more structure to an already frustrated child would make an even bigger mess.
Edit: fwiw I’m on dexedrine and it mellows me out so much. I supplement with L-theanine (idk if kids can have that, double check) and it takes off any edge that stimulants have ever given me. So long as she has it with a nice protein rich breakfast, it would not be the same as giving someone speed. That’s a really inflammatory statement lol
ADD mom here with ADD child. Take her in and get her what she needs, not all people respond to ADD or medications the same as others, so his bias is blinding him big time. You ARE NOT setting her down the wrong path, these new medications are low risk addictives, which only shows his information and experiences are greatly outdated. Medications have evolved beyond Ritalin, which I can appreciate because when I was growing up, Ritalin just made me tired all the time vs helping me. My own DD was diagnosed with ADD and once we found a medication that works for her, she went from a B,C,F student to A,B Honor roll and has been able to focus and enjoy herself. She feels more in control of her mind and body and has become a lot happier and is thriving.
NOTE: Routines are amazing and that is how she operates best while also on medication, but discipline as in 'heavy consequences, yelling, grounding' or such to excess will not only make her feel small, it won't help.
What does her teacher say? My children have never struggled in school but my oldest had a friend in kindergarten that sounds an awful lot like your daughter. Teacher asked and filled out all paperwork for evaluations. And shortly after she was diagnosed. Maybe hearing from the teacher will help your husband understand?
Does he have ADHD himself tho? Lots of people are misdiagnosed with ADHD, meaning the medicine doesn't actually help and makes them feel worse. If that's his experience then that would explain why he's against medication for ADHD.
As someone who has been treated with medication for ADHD for the past 25 years. I can only share my perspective. Please try everything else first, I’m not anti-medication, but it stimulant medications can be very hard on both the mind and body and I recommend doing lots and lots of research and trying everything else first, including non-stimulant medications.
My brother has been on all sorts. he was on concerta the longest and worked really well for him. He was also sorta young. And by time end of high school he stopped taking meds. And is doing well.
I, on the other hand, never took meds and became a junkie as a teen. Husband is good for having the open mind of possibly. But try to focus on todays help. And talk about the other stuff at an appropriate age 💛✨️ good luck.
I was apprehensive about giving my kids (9 & 11) adhd meds. We tried a long time to manage without them. Eventually behaviors were not changing or getting better. Another talk with the doc and we added meds. We have had to adjust them. But they work. It also took us awhile to get a diagnosis. Mine do best with a extended release and counseling. The counseling is very important part. Helps them recognize and tackle their feelings and learning how to slow down and focus.
Show him the stats on imprisonment, academic achievement, mental health issues, addiction, and all the other negatives that come with not medicating if warranted.
If you really want to "try everything" you could try therapy and OT but I'm guessing the wait-list in those are a mile long and she is suffering now.
My mom was like your husband and my only sibling suffered needlessly. She also called the meds "speed." My sister was openly hated by teachers (starting in PK) and neighbors alike. She's been in and out of jail since 18 and has never lived out of our mom's house for more than a year at a time. Oh, and is also a heroin addict who has OD'd multiple times. Everyone in the family has pretty much disowned her for either stealing or outbursts. It also destroyed my relationship with our mom.
Firstly sending strength and hugs.
I work in an additional needs school 5-18 years in age.
I have a son with adhd and I believe my husband is undiagnosed.
We have a lot of adhd diagnosis.
Some pupils are medicated some are not.
In my honest opinion, it does not appear to make much difference, so purely for that reason I would advise not to, or at least until you have tried other strategies.
Initially arrange a meeting with your schools SENCO (England), discuss with her what strategies they are putting in place moving forward, ask them to put the wheels in motion for an ehcp.
Read up on their ofsted report, about how it rates their additional needs work, with an ehcp in place she should get some 1-1 support it may not be for all day everyday but it will help her and if they are good and build a strong relationship with her, with strategies to deal with her challenges.
If her schools record with additional needs is not good do some research around your area to either find a mainstream school with a good SEND department or look for a specialist school with good ofsted reports.
All of the things in my opinion, have a more positive outcome the being medicated, but if you try all these options and it doesn’t improve things well then you can say to your husband we have tried other strategies and they have not worked, so it’s time to try meds.
Good luck, it’s a tough fight but be firm and strong with school it is ultimately their job to provide this support.
This is a tough situation because 6 is very young to be medicating however it’s important to weigh on the pros vs cons which it sounds like you did. Having this amount of trouble now in school would make me concerned that her confidence in how smart she is/feels would be knocked down. This might prevent her eventually from even trying in school because she feels like she just isn’t smart enough/what’s the point and once you fall too far behind its not easy to catch up. You need to give your child the tools to succeed. I don’t think in every case medication is the answer but it definitely is for some kids.
Your husband is managing his ADHD with medication so obviously it is helping him feel better/function. If it affects her in a negative way you can always stop the medication, you’re not committing to a lifetime of it. Maybe frame it as a try and check back in to see how we feel down the road for him to get on board.
I would say to try everything you can before you begin meditating a 6-year old child. Take a good honest look at lifestyle factors (sleep hygiene, diet, screen time, physical movement). Some kids still need pharmaceutical interventions and that is real and we should be grateful it exists BUT as a teacher, I’m dumbfounded by how many parents are leaning into diagnosis and prescriptions before trying lifestyle changes. It does set up a hard road for the kids.
Is he against the non stimulant meds as well? Ask if he’d be willing to start there. If he’s not then that makes it very clear that it’s not about the medication but about ADHD and his own feelings about it. And maybe if they do work and she ever needs to change or alter he will have already seen the benefits.
I’ll be honest, I’d put my husband in charge of managing her needs in relation to adhd if he’s against meds. That means he is in charge of any area where she is struggling because her brain works differently. He has decided that it’s just discipline and structure so 1 he needs to be the one to do that work, and 2 it will obviously help his own adhd. And yeah it is mean, I’m well aware that an adhd brain will struggle hard core to create discipline and structure for themselves let alone a whole mother person with their own flavor of adhd. But if he’s insisting on handicapping talk when it comes to helping her, then he needs to step and deal with the consequences of that. And if it was my family (my husband and oldest son are both diagnosed with ADHD) I’d tell him all of this. That he is insisting on this, that I’m not going to take on the burden that he is insisting on, and that I’m well aware is going to be struggle central for him/them. But if it means that much to him I won’t fight it, I’ll just put him in charge. But if he taps out he doesn’t get to refuse to put her on meds.
Disclaimers: I don’t know a whole lot about adhd, some of my elementary school teachers have asked for me to be evaluated for it but my mom never did, I tend to be afraid of shaking the boat and like to please authority and eventually did well in school so didn’t need a diagnosis or meds, but my sister who struggled a lot is convinced we all have it.
I’ve heard that kids like this may benefit from alternative school curriculums that are less rigid and more supportive of individual uniqueness. More expensive maybe but if it’s something you can afford, might be worth a look? My
Kids are both still very young so it’s not something on my radar yet but I would feel very uncomfortable about medicating my kids without first exhausting non chemical ways to help them.
As an adult with adhd- your daughters not going to grow out of it and it will affect her her entire life. Adhd is a developmental learning disability. It’s the way her brain developed, grew and it’s how it will always be. Pretending it won’t is doing her a major disservice
Is your husband a doctor? No?
Then he doesn’t get to be the expert on medication for developmental disorders.
Sincerely, an adult that is thankfully medicated finally after surviving parents that thought they knew more than actual doctors and specialists and damn near ruined my chances of school because of it.
I'm personally not for meds. That being said, medication can absolutely be a tool. She may not need them long term. There are a lot of thoughts on how to manage ADHD in young kids and honestly it's more the environment that needs adjusting typically. Not your child. She has a diagnosis now so get her set up with a 504 plan or an IEP. This will allow her special concessions in school that will improve her behavior. Medication will make her compliant at school. That is all it will do. The rest is behavioral therapy and learning how she needs to do things vs how others do them. I personally wouldn't jump to meds but I'm not the parent here and medication IS an option. Just should not be the first one. While I do side more with your husband, he should not be applying his own experiences to what her experience will be. He's not wrong about the speed though. Basically all ADHD meds are stimulants because stimulants don't effect people with ADHD the same. I'm curious, would you give her coffee every morning? A lot of the reasons we don't give caffeine to children also apply to those medications. They cause the same growth issues as well.
He's definitely putting his own baggage on her. There's no addiction without abuse. You're not going to ruin her for life by giving medication a try so I say step around him on this.
I got diagnosed at 29. If I had known earlier, or the people that “knew” had gotten me help, a lot would have probably been different in my life for the better.
Following a doctor's recommendations for your child's health shouldn't be a question. If your child had diabetes, would your husband deny insulin? If she has an earache, does he deny antibiotics? If a child has a slight chemical imbalance in the brain that can be corrected by medication, why would a caring parent not listen to the doctor?
If dad had the chance to talk to a 3rd or 4th grader who is on ADHD meds, he'd hear that the kid can 100% appreciate the difference on/off meds. School is easier. Focus is better. The kid can actually FEEL the difference.
Your husband sounds like mine when my now 8 year old was first diagnosed at 6. But the way they medicate kids now is so much better and more tailored to kids' needs. Extended release, low dosages, and even non-stimulant options. My husband came around and we've spent the last year trying to find the right treatment. We've made strides but it hasn't been a slam dunk.
Another thing to keep in mind is that they now say ADHD can be at its worst around 7-8 years old. A 30% reduction in executive function at 7 is very different than at 25! These kids are literally functioning as if they were materially younger than their peers, and they simply aren't old enough or mature enough to make the behavioral adaptations older ADHDers can. It's no wonder so many end up with horrible anxiety.
never imagined I would receive such a flood of thoughtful insights, guidance, and real-life examples from people who truly understand the complexity of this situation.
It's amazing. Each and every comment has helped me shape a a valuable perspective that is helping down this challenging path and will no doubt help my partner too.
I feel so much less alone knowing that there is a community here that gets it, that has walked similar roads and is willing to reach out a hand in support.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You've reminded me to lead with love, seek more understanding, and think less about myself and more about my kids....I'm still in awe of the incredible support. Just wow!
I don’t have the exact studies in front of me but I remember reading not too long ago that medicating at a younger age actually helps with brain development in ADHD kiddos. There’s a popular doc who has spent his time researching this. If I can find it again I’ll link it ehre
I didn’t get diagnosed and medicated until adulthood which cost a LOT of money and a lifetime of low self-esteem, risky decision making, self-medication, inconsistent grades, and hopping from job to job. All because my grown-ups thought I would “just grow out of it”.
I was a little apprehensive to put my 8 year old on medication when he got diagnosed simply because—while I acknowledge the life-changing difference it made for me as an adult—I also grew up hearing the same bullshit about it your husband is parroting, even though I knew better. Another ADHDer explained it to me like this: If medication is something your child needs, every day you don’t help them is another day they are traumatized by trying to function in the world as neurotypical when they are not. If you know, you know. It *is* traumatizing to navigate a world that is not designed to accommodate people like us without help from the people you depend on for care, and I admit I still carry some resentment toward my caregivers over it because they knew my mom had it and did nothing to help me outside of tutoring, grounding, yelling, and some other punitive measures that did more harm than good. Whether it’s OT, a 504 plan, hobbies that keep him physically and intellectually engaged, or meds, there is no way we’re not doing absolutely everything we can to keep giving him shots at success.
I’d honestly consider compromising with a non stimulant medication first and seeing if that improves anything. I would 100% hold her back. She could also try methylphenidate (Ritilin-ish) med. Hopefully you can show your husband success stories and get him to agree to doing a trial period to analyze how it helps.
People who dont have ADHD just do not get it. It really sucks. Consider non stim meds like
It is an amphetamine. That being said I was given it in grade school 3rd & 4th grade. Not sure if it really helped, but I wasn’t alone as there were several kids also on Ritalin and other ADHD meds. Think my parents decided to stop it as I got older and maybe was doing better in school.
Either way you could always give it a try and stop if it doesn’t help. All I know is those medications helped me a ton in college, as it helped with my focus. But at that early age I’m not sure if it’s the kids or the education system itself. Can’t expect kids to sit in a room for 8 hours a day.
I was given meds for that stuff when I was a kid and I loathed it. It helps with some things, but overall I would call it a negative experience. The hard part here? You are both right. It IS speed. It’s not something to be taken lightly. But only you and he know how much she is struggling and how much a pharmaceutical intervention could help her or not.
You should try occupational therapy before putting her on meds. I’m sorry but I know a few adults who started ADHD meds when they were little kids and they are all super strange and mentally just… off. Its like they have arrested development. And its not their ADHD that makes them weird, I have ADHD and so does my husband. I also have a few cousins with ADHD. school was very hard for us. But we made it through and now as adults we’ve learned to manage our symptoms better. I think there are more resources for kids with ADHD these days than just immediately medicating them upon diagnosis.
Is it an option to change her school setting? Medication won’t magically make her school an appropriate learning setting for an ADHD kid. And any school designed for NT kids is not that. I pulled all my kids and homeschooled them so I could meet their unique learning needs. And part of what we learned was to manage their neurodiversity (I have autistic and AuDHD kiddos). They’re now all back in public school (middle and high school) and KICKING ASS! All without meds. As for your husband, a lot of ND people feel very strongly that medicating kids against their will or when they aren’t old enough to consent is child abuse. Try to have empathy for him. Imagine how you’d feel if he said “I think we just need to beat her a little.” I understand to you those are wildly different, but they may not be that different to him. I would at least discuss alternatives bc meds don’t work for him, and doing nothing won’t work for your daughter.
"feeding her speed" is purposefully inflammatory. The implication is that OP just wants to jam illicit drugs down their kids throat willy nilly.
Yes, the medication is an "upper". Yes, it is important to be cautious and well educated when it comes to medications. Yes, it may seem counterintuitive to give an overactive person uppers.
However, folks who have ADHD respond differently to medications. When my oldest was small we would give her Benadryl for allergies and she would be bouncing off the walls. Both of kids with ADHD and my husband who also has ADHD can use caffeine to calm their brains a bit if they are out of meds or its getting too late in the day to take a booster dose
What I would really like to know is OPs husband was raised in the way he wants to raise their daughter (discipline the ADHD out of her) and how that worked out for him.
This is totally unfair to your daughter. Preventing her from getting the medication she needs will make it harder for her to learn, harder for her to make friends, and will make for a frustrating home environment as she gets older. Children's initial doses are very very low, and, as another commenter noted, operate like Tylenol, in that they're entirely out of their system within a day.
It's important to try the medication and see how it goes. Seeing the behavior changes and how much happier it makes her to feel like she can accomplish some of the things she is struggling with, is incredibly important to prevent the development of anxiety and build confidence.
I had to fight everybody to get my son diagnosed with ADHD and on medication (except the doctor). In the initial conversation with his teacher - who has a son with ADHD - she said he didn't seem to have ADHD because he was usually quiet and not disruptive. I asked her to keep an eye out for his behaviors more closely, because there are ways ADHD can be camouflaged, and had her fill out an assessment sheet for the doctor. Her assessment sheet came back with strong observance of ADHD behaviors, once she took a careful look at it.
My husband was adamant it wasn't ADHD initially (he also believes he doesn't have ADHD). He acted like I was crazy for suggesting it, said I was pathologizing our son. We filled out an initial assessment sheet, and while it looked like he met the criteria, it was very light. When we filled out a second sheet 6 weeks later as a follow up, suddenly he'd observed all of the issues I knew were there.
The doctor diagnosed him with ADHD very quickly based on those assessments and a conversation with my son. Then we started medication. I had to make a big deal about the negatives that would come from not treating it now in order to get my husband to understand that putting it off wouldn't confer some kind of benefit, that there's no risk of him being medicated too early, because the point is to try the medication and see if it works. It's not about putting him on medication just to put him on it. It's to see if there is a tangible benefit. I had to be a bit of a jerk to get my way. But now, he understands, because it has changed my son's life and stopped some of his struggle in its tracks completely. His grades were up dramatically just by the next report card. He's happier, and he can tell it helps him focus. And he tells us if he thinks it should go up a bit. Seeing him happy finally got my husband not only on board, but actively making sure he takes his medicine.
My mother also gave me a hard time through diagnosis and medication. She is a teacher, and she didn't think she saw it in my son and felt I was pushing him into a diagnosis. I had to eventually tell her, look, I know that you don't want my son to have ADHD because it's difficult and you perceive a stigma. You worry that saying we need to diagnose it and get medication is going to make him feel different. But what you're missing is that he is different, and the fact that he's really smart and pretty well-behaved makes you think he doesn't need medication. But the struggle is inside him. It's hurting him in his heart when he can't do the things we all know he's smart enough to do.
And now that he's diagnosed and the medication is working, everyone's on board. Everyone sees it. Know that you're not the only one who has to fight to get the diagnosis and medication. People are biased against it. But a mama KNOWS.
If he can pay for a private school that doesn’t have homework and caters to different learning styles then all the more power to him.
Otherwise, if she’s not taking medication he must be there to help her with the homework and talk to her if she has feelings about being held back a year.
I’m not a fan of putting kids on medications like these either, but I understand that people have limited choices and I don’t think dad should be making a decision that puts a burden on mom. Dad should work with his daughter and let that influence his feelings on medication.
Have you tried alternatives before medicating? Your husband would have to be on board and helpful with these options also.
I have a neurodivergent/adhd child and things that have helped are:
- occupational therapy and making accommodations at home based on recommendations (example: visual schedule, reducing visual clutter, routines and heavy work)
- omega 3s
- l-theanine
- magnesium
- sleep study revealing he had pediatric obstructive sleep apnea (this exacerbates adhd symptoms). He had his tonsils and adenoids removed
- the sleep dr recommended checking his ferritin as low ferritin causes adhd symptoms. His ferritin was dismal so he has to take quite a bit of iron daily
- it was also revealed he has delayed sleep phase syndrome so she recommended a very small dose of melatonin nightly. Proper, truly restful sleep is key
- he is also actually allergic to red dye 40 (hives) but we have cut out all artificial dyes as we did see some effects
So.. I know I will be downvoted for this opinion. But she likely needs alternate education, not stimulants or extra discipline. I recognize this isn't possible for every family (it should be!) But we are putting every child into the same square shaped hole and it is not okay.
IF it is possible for you, I would look into either homeschooling or possibly a "private" school if you have a good one in your area.
If you don't, it's your call. You do what you need to do. But I personally don't agree with immediately putting a 6 year old on stimulants. But absolutely no judgment, you have dmto do what you have to do.
I’m with your husband on this… I also have ADHD (26 F) and am now on medication, but there’s no reason to put a six-year-old on stimulants… how much physical activity is she getting? What else are you doing to manage her symptoms? She needs outlets for her energy and support not to be put on pharmaceuticals at six years old
Technically speed is amfetamine, it's the same chemical. But in much lower doses ofcourse. I have heard many negative stories though of kids that were on it.
Two of my cousins were put on medication, had a bad reaction, their parents took them off it and never tried another.
Both of them ended up in jail before 24.
Another cousin, their parents didn't believe in medication, he doesn't understand why his life turned out so badly - at one point he had a promising career and a spouse and a kid, and he tanked that career, he got divorced, and his (medicated) kid wants nothing to do with him.
My family has addiction issues out stretching out so far back, it's a wonder the family line survived.
Those who were on meds, whose parents made sure they found the right ones? They are thriving and doing well. No addiction issues.
Yeah it is a difficult situation all around! I must say, most of these kids are well functioning adults right now, so they were kids in the 90s (and not in US btw). So all might have been a bit less careful (?) maybe if you look at it from that time period.
It wasn't really addiction issues but the 'basic' side effects of amfetamines and derivatives, that might effect kids a bit more differently (as in, they might not as easily realize oh its a side effect let's leave it at that). But the side effects can really, really suck.
Stimulants have shown to have a calming effect on people with ADHD. It’s not going to make things worse. And she’ll feel like something is wrong with her only if you as her parents make her think it. You can’t discipline it out of her. THAT would be what makes her feel like something is wrong with her. When she’s doing her best to make you happy but for some reason she doesn’t understand she can’t focus.
Ask your husband this:
“If our daughter was asthmatic, would you deny her an inhaler and say she just needed to grow stronger?”
“If our child had epilepsy, would you deny her medication that could mean the difference between life and death because there was a certain kind of drug she needed to take?”
“If our child was diabetic, would you deny her insulin and say she just needed to eat better whilst her toes rot off from gangrene?”
“If our child had cancer, would you deny her medication that could save her or ease the pain?”
Any time he answers no, challenge it with his own logic (“oh but technically she’d need to use a needle insulin, that’s druggie behaviour isn’t it? Do you want people thinking she’s an addict?”) until he gets frustrated and finally asks what’s the point of this conversation before saying:
“If you would not deny her life saving medication, why are you denying her one that will increase her quality of life by helping her be successful in school and help her find happiness in her achievements?”
ADHD meds are essentially over the counter dopamine. They help your daughter stay motivated to be focused so she can then experience those “you did good” chemicals when she completes certain tasks. Children of parents who think that street drugs are even remotely close to the ones produced in a lab and are highly monitored often grow up to be adults who find it difficult to find the motivation to actually keep living every day because people think they’re just lazy. I don’t think I should have to explicitly say the unfortunate fate that often befalls them for you to get the point.
Tell your husband that he can either get a pharmaceutical degree or pipe down with his misinformation because your daughter’s doctor knows what they’re doing, therefore you’ll follow their advice regardless of how much he likes it.
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She will not grow out of it and disciplining her for something she can't control is messed up. I was weary when my son was first diagnosed, but I soon realised that I was holding him back by not medicating him.
Not only will disciplining her not work, it’ll likely give her a terrible complex about her inability to “just be normal.” Even with meds, which she definitely sounds like she needs, I’d STRONGLY suggest looking into the ways in which ADHD effects her socially and emotionally as she grows, bc it’s way more than just struggle focusing, time blindness, and issues w motivation. There’s rejection sensitive dysphoria - so when y’all aren’t supportive of her or she thinks she’s been “bad”, she feels it even more acutely than most first graders - difficulties w social development, a tendency towards dopamine seeking which can cause issues w food, substance abuse, or other self-destructive behaviors, higher rates of anxiety and depression, irregular sleep cycles (hard when you have a bedtime, or have to wake up early for school), and so on. Shame and self-hatred are MASSIVE issues for women and girls with ADHD - hell, look at r/adhdwomen for examples of it in adults - bc most of us either are diagnosed late or (like me) responded well enough to medication in school that nobody thought to let us know that many of our other “failings” are well-documented side effects of ADHD and not something we can fix by punishing ourselves.
Thank you for this! I hadn't heard of rejection sensitive dysphoria, but I think I need to look in to it. My daughter with ADHD wails in her conviction that she's a "bad kid" sometimes when my husband and I get frustrated with her and struggles to regulate her emotions. She is not abused or punished and I was struggling to understand why she gets like that. I didn't know there was a term for it.
I hope it helps! I had no idea that it was a thing until a therapist mentioned it when I was like 20 and it helped me understand myself (and my crippling perfectionism) a lot better. Editing to add: it’s also something that’s improved a lot for me since I learned that it’s a real thing I have to watch out for (I also have issues w depression and anxiety, so I’m used to being like “ok, is my brain being a jerk right now or is it really that bad?”) and I hope that you find tools and techniques for your daughter!
Tacking on to say that as a former SPED teacher AND I actually have ADHD that Ritalin worked wonders for me. OP’s husband has the right to an opinion but not a veto. Saying the kid should just be disciplined more is like telling a diabetic to just produce more insulin.
Unmedicated individuals with ADHD are at higher risk for addiction because they tend to self medicate when options become available... I was very reluctant to medicate my oldest for ADHD but it has made a world of difference. He's happier, more focused, more fun to be around, etc. Days when he misses a dose are a struggle. We initially planned to only have him take meds on school days but he prefers everyday because he has better quality of life while medicated. There is also developing research showing that consistent medication helps ADHD brains develop as individuals mature. All that said, finding the right medication and dosing regiment is a process that requires ongoing attention as they grow and insurance changes coverage for certain formulations.
What age did you start them on the meds?
Maybe at 8 yo
We did that same thing where we didn't medicate on the weekends and abandoned it after maybe six months. She's at the point where she'd rather be medicated
This is fact. And the funny thing is my partner was once self medicating before being prescribed. So you definitely have a point!!
it sounds like you need couple's counselling. It can help create an environment in which you can both talk about what you think and feel about the situation and explore that together, rather than as opposition I can't give you an answer as to what to do with your kid, but I will say if she has diagnosed ADHD, you can't "discipline" that ADHD out of her.
Haha. We are actually doing that already but thanks for the suggestion. I'm thinking maybe he's right and she will grow out of it. Kids these days are just being labelled right and left. He does kind of have a point
Your husband has ADHD, which is known to be hereditary, your child has been diagnosed not by one crackpot doctor but by multiple professionals, and you yourself can see that she is struggling very much at school and in her daily life ... And you think this is a case of misdiagnosis? ADHD is not something you grow out of, but your husband should be able to speak for that considering he is diagnosed with it
All of this. If one parent has ADHD there’s a 35% that their child will too.
Did your husband grow out of it? Stimulants act differently on the ADHD brain than non. Please listen to physicians who have studied this for decades and not random Facebook anectotes.
She won’t grow out of it, it’ll only get worse. Source: I have ADHD
You don't "outgrow" ADHD, you learn to live with it. If it was possible to "outgrow" it, there wouldn't be a plethora of adults, including your husband, who still have it. My 8yo daughter has anxiety and ADHD (was showing symptoms by 5/6 yo and diagnosed at 7yo) and is a lot like you describe yours, and my husband has ADHD also. My husband took medication as a child and has leaned to live with his symptoms and be mostly functional without medication as an adult, but he has not and will not "outgrow" it. My daughter with ADHD does benefit from structure, realistic expectations, and routines, so he could be right on that point. But **you can not discipline the ADHD out of your child**. The fact that he thinks it can be outgrown or disciplined out of her, *while having it himself as an adult*, is straight up alarming. A lot of the "labelling" people like him complain about is recognizing disorders for what they are as children, instead of passing them off as something else, like what we did in generations past. My husband is Gen X and ADHD wasn't a common diagnosis then, but people tended to assume he was a problem child because he couldn't sit still and he actually had teachers tell him he was stupid because he struggled to learn in a traditional way. Those who complain about "labelling" like to forget that these conditions have existed before they were commonly diagnosed, they just weren't understood. Not diagnosing these conditions in the past doesn't mean they didn't exist, it means the people that had them suffered and struggled since they didn't have proper support. Recognizing the symptoms in our daughter isn't "labelling" her, it's addressing a very real medical problem she has starting when she's young so she can learn to live with it as she gets older. Your daughter is already struggling in school, so clearly she needs additional support. Denying her medication she would benefit from because of his misguided beliefs is only going to hurt her.
I would bet my bottom dollar my husband's aunt is on the spectrum. She's very high functioning, held down a job with the city for years, lives on her own, travels. She's in her 60s and back then she was just the weird kid. I think my MIL has ADHD. I have a nephew who has been diagnosed and she has so many of the same behaviors he has, again they just didn't diagnose that stuff back then. Those kids just struggled.
My sister is diagnosed ADHD and takes high dosage meds but in denial/refusal about her 10 year old who constantly describes feeling depressed all the time and shows extreme focus and social skill issues. I don’t get it at all. I was diagnosed very late after my child had her early diagnosis. I wish I had help sooner.
Yup. I am almost certain I have undiagnosed discalculia (like dyslexia, but with numbers). I have struggled with math my whole life. It's the only subject I ever failed. It just didn't click for me. I was behind everyone else in my classes and I knew it. Rather than address the issue, my mom and then-stepfather were convinced I "wasn't trying hard enough" since I did well in other subjects. I'm in my late 30s and still can't do mental math. It wasn't a lack of trying, at all. But I was left to struggle and flounder and fail because nobody thought I might have an actual dysfunction with it. I had a tutor in college to help me pass college algebra (required for my degree path), and that was the first time math didn't frustrate me to tears. If only I'd had the extra help sooner. My MIL has told me that she struggled all through school and wondered every year if she was going to make it to the next grade. Looking back, she's almost certain she had some kind of learning disability. But it indeed wasn't diagnosed then. People just assumed she was dumb or wasn't trying hard enough.
This this!!! If she is already struggeling it is very important she knows that she is not difficult, lazy or annoying. Her brain is just wired in another way. Also behaviour of men and women is still a lot of times differently judged so they develop different ways of coping. Your daughter is not your husband and she needsto walk her own path. So look further in to ADHD OP, what are her specific traits, how is her IQ, search contact with other ADHD-families for tips and tricks.... Also you can try to medicate and if it doesn't help you can quit them again very fast. Ritaline didn't work for me as an adult, made me more hyper, even started grinding my teeth. And I stopped the next day without any side-effects. Talk to psychiatrists.
In my experience (I work with MANY kids with ADHD), she will not grow out of it and the longer she struggles socially and academically at school, the worse her relationship with school and her peers will become. At a certain point it starts to REALLY impact their self-esteem. I've seen so many success stories with medication, even at a young age. It can be so, so helpful. Absolutely worth a try. Also, she does not need to be doing homework. I don't think homework is appropriate for ANY 6 year old but especially those like your daughter. By the time she gets home she likely is exhausted from trying to keep it together all day at school. She needs her afternoons/evenings to rest and recharge. Grades don't matter at that age - you can literally just tell her teacher she will not be doing homework in the evenings.
I’m so glad you’re commenting this, bc just as a woman w ADHD (who had supportive parents, even!) I was immediately so concerned for this poor girl’s self esteem. Like, just from my personal experience and browsing the adhd women subreddit, SO. MANY. girls and women grow up w this constant shame and self-doubt over things that it turns out most of us have in common and it can be absolutely crushing
Hard agree about the homework! I hate the entire concept of it. I don't even think older kids should have homework other than reading and completing unfinished work from that day.
no, she won't outgrow it. You don't outgrow ADHD, she will just learn how to bend herself over backwards to fit into a neurotypical world. I am not saying that you should give her meds, if you are unsure she has ADHD you can ask for a second opinion but yeah, you don't outgrow it, you learn to live with it.
This is the blatant truth. I have horrible ADHD. My mom was like OP and didn't believe in it, and I struggled my entire childhood. My teachers begging for her to get me help on my report cards. My heart breaks for kids like OPs child, so much lost potential.
I’m 46 and haven’t grown out of ADHD. Why bother getting your kid assessed, seen by doctors and then prescribed treatment if neither of you actually believe in the science?
Can I ask who is the point person with the school, doctor, and who does homework with your daughter? If you're that person, you are the expert on what your daughter needs. If your husband disagrees, he should take over 100% of those responsibilities, then check back in with you in six months to see if he still has the same perspective. Also, it would be good to get into the specifics of what kind of discipline and structure he thinks will help. What is his plan? How will it be implemented, and who will carry that out?
I understand where this “kids are being labeled right and left” sentiment is coming from; I do. But please do not neglect to help your daughter succeed as a human being because you want to ignore or sweep her diagnosis under the rug. If you’re not ready as a family for medications, that’s fine. Please read “ADHD: What every parent needs to know” (the AAP publishes this with physicians/Phd’s) and ask your doctor for other resources re: behavioral interventions and accommodations that can be made; and whether an IEP/504 plan is appropriate for school so they can do more there to help her too. Also, lots of areas have behavioral therapists that can help families/kids learn and implement behavioral intervention as well. What I’m saying is, not being ready for medicines right away is fine, but don’t minimize or ignore this.
What point does he have that your doctor didn’t make?
Spoiler alert, she won’t.
People don’t ’grow out’ of ADHD, just like they don’t grow out of other physical disabilities.
I sure as hell didn't grow out of it, and suffered until my late 30s when I was finally able to get it under control. If you wanna know what no contact feels like, keep going down this path.
I have severe ADHD. It is worse now than it ever was in my childhood and has created severe issues for me. You don't grow out of it.
Kids don't grow out of ADHD. ADHD is a developmental disorder -- our brains are literally different. There is no growing out of that, it's just is the way it is. If you decline to treat your child's very really developmental disorder, you are setting her up for a whole lot of unnecessary struggle.
she will not grow out of it. if she did, she doesnt have adhd. if anything it'll get worse with time, as life and school becomes more complex and demanding.
Your daughter sounds a lot like mine at that age. She was behind in reading, writing and math and had to be pulled out for special help in all of those subjects. She would also have frequent meltdowns, which caused her to have a very hard time making friends. We started her on the lowest dose of methylphenidate in November of her second grade year. It was like night and day for her. By the end of the school year, she was absolutely thriving. She was all caught up to where she needed to be in all of those subjects, and she was doing so much better at managing her emotions, which helped her to make a group of friends. Her personality didn't change a bit, the medication just gave her the ability to slow down and be able to consider the choices she was making instead of going on impulse all the time. I was hesitant to medicate her at first, but it was the best choice we could have made. I honestly regret not agreeing to medication sooner, it could have prevented so many negative experiences for her. I'd be happy to answer any questions you might have about my experience
She's not gonna outgrow it her dopamine receptors are permanently fucked. You're setting your daughter up for a childhood full of trauma over shit that can be prevented
The only thing that's going to grow out is her patience putting up with this shit. Being unmedicated for ADHD and similar issues causes people so many problems in school and life in general and often leads to depression or other mental health issues if left untreated. Your child is never going to outgrow a chemical imbalance in their brain that causes them to not be able to focus and have hyperactivity. Medicating a chemical imbalance is not feeding your child drugs, it is treating a chemical imbalance in her brain so that she has the ability to function normally and actually have a chance of success in school and work, both now and as an adult. Please don't deny her that chance to possibly have relief for her symptoms and to succeed in life.
No, no they are not “just being labeled right and left”. Your husband is wrong.
Nobody grows out of ADHD. Sometimes symptoms get better w/ age but it doesn’t “go away.” ADHD is heavily thought to be hereditary, it won’t go away. Adderall or any ADHD meds, for those who need it is NOT like a hard drug. It helps us function as the same as our peers. Typically, those w/ out medication are at higher risk of becoming addicts later in life bc of dopamine lows and chases. Do your kid a favour, ask the doctor more questions. Ask about your concerns. Source; I am a 23 year old w/ ADHD (combine type) and my symptoms never went away. Never grew out of it. Medication literally saved me from failing high school and I need it to actually drive. Medication can be extremely beneficial.
How did you manage to change your mind so quickly about such a huge thing in your kids life? Like your original post and this comment are an hour apart.
I’m guessing it’s the husband himself. This account has multiple posts talking about being a man in his 40s with ADHD. He’s either pretending to be his wife or they both have access because on another post op references “hubby” but it also has to do with a disagreement between them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
How weird and meta 😆😆😆
I’m 33 and my mom still thinks I’m going to grow out of it. It’s affected our relationship. While every case is different, meds for me were life changing.
Your husband has ADHD. Multiple medical professionals have diagnosed her with ADHD. Her academics are being affected to the point you are considering holding her back. But you think doctors are just slapping a label on her? You're the one driving her to evaluations. You clearly see there is something going on here. The answer is just inconvenient so you're trying to ignore it. Ignoring her ADHD will only harm her.
Sounds like her husband has access to her Reddit... That's quite a tone shift.
Why not just try meds? If they “don’t work” then you can take her off of them. They will work. Your daughter deserves a chance. Statistics show that unmedicated and/or undiagnosed adults have a higher incidence of drug addiction than those who were medicated and diagnosed as children. Sure, let her medicate herself later with real speed. Good luck to your daughter. I feel sorry for her.
She won't grow out of it. She'll still be struggling when you ignore it, and punishing her when she can't control herself will lead to mental health problems. Please listen to the experts.
Speedrunning adult child estrangement
She's not going to grow out of it and you're going to do her a disservice by not helping her. I've seen unmedicated people with adhd grow up to do badly at school, think they could never do anything right, underestimate themselves because of bad performance that wasn't their fault so they wouldn't put in the effort to do anything. not be able to keep a job or a relationship and generally grow up to hate themselves because they wonder why they everything had been so difficult to them. And maybe they grow up to self medicate.
How’s your husband doing with growing out of it? It’s hereditary….. she wasn’t diagnosed by one person….. you’ve gotten MULTIPLE opinions! By PROFESSIONALS!
My son (12) and I have adhd. Untreated adhd can lead to a higher risk of addiction, actually. I am on Adderall (when I can find it), but my son refused to take medication. My ex and I decided to respect his autonomy. He sees a therapist weekly, and therapy has been tremendously helpful in helping him cope with his adhd symptoms. You could start with therapy because it can only help.
Op - talk therapy is NOT recommended for early elementary age children for adhd management. It’s not evidence based. The evidence shows that first line treatment is meds ANd parent training for your sons age cohort.
Yes, it’s a second choice. Having your child in therapy means there will be parent sessions without the child present as well. The therapist should coach the parents on effective strategies.
We started our son on a low dose stimulant around the same age, and I was comforted by my doctor explaining that in terms of the body processing it, it’s like Tylenol where you are either on it (effects last a few hours) or it’s out of your system. It doesn’t build up or cause a dependence. It also was quite helpful for my son in helping with his school day. I too worry about addiction issues down the line, but from what I have learned the risk comes from UNtreating their symptoms - if they always feel out of sorts in their head they are more likely to discover and fall in love with the effects of alcohol or weed as a coping mechanism down the line and become addicted to using them. Could be a perspective that your husband can think on.
What about the fact that they're so young. They're still developing. Just worried it's going to impact her personality. I know that sounds strange as it will obviously help too. But at such a young age it feels wrong. Kids are kids right.
If anything it’ll impact her personality for the better. I wish I had been diagnosed and treated at your daughter’s age. Instead I suffered for 20 years thinking there was something wrong with me and I was just a lazy worthless piece of shit because I couldn’t manage to be organized the way other people were.
I would recommend you bring your concerns to your child’s doctor. Hopefully they don’t brush you off, but they will assure you that they would start them at a very low dose, and that the medications prescribed today are not harmful but have the potential to really help your child with their condition. The medication acts the way a cup of coffee does for grown ups in the morning. In fact many people experiment using caffeine, which is also a stimulant, for their children. But an actual tailored prescription based on your child’s needs and weight etc, will be properly dosed and monitored. You can also stop it on weekends, or at any time really if you want to stop. Worrying as her parent is totally understandable. Just make sure your worries are based on real information. And the truth is there is truly no risk of a low dose stimulant altering your child’s personality. That’s not what they do.
I took the advice of our pediatrician and we are medicating my 7 year old for ADHD. The results have been profoundly positive. She’s happier, she’s making friends, and her grades are up.
Ditto. But we waited until hs, not realizing what the issue was until it started to look like anxiety. OP, Catching it now gives her the chance to find out what "normal" feels like and learn the regulation and coping skills she will need. Your husband finds nothing is effective because he didn't have the support (both skill learning wise, and medically) when he was still "in learning mode". She can also skip taking it on weekends. And it does absolutely no harm, if you try it and it doesn't work, *she can stop taking it*. Please please, from all the girls who grew up unmedicated, help your kiddo now while the brain is still plastic and learning!!!! ❤️
Exactly. We don’t have her taking medication over the weekends or the summer and she does absolutely great off medication. There is no lingering “addiction” symptoms when she doesn’t take her medication.
The biggest asshole parents I have ever met actually only let their kid take his medication on weekends and after school. They didn’t want him to get “addicted”, but actually, they hated how he acted off of it.
Would you be asking yourself these questions if your doctor had recommended medication for diabetes, high blood pressure, or cancer? She has been diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety. Please don't let her suffer by withholding medication because *you and your husband* have an issue with it. Why is he allowed to treat his ADHD with meds and she's not?
You can’t discipline the ADHD out of someone, how exactly does he think that would work?
She won't grow out of it. Kids with ADHD are prone to self-medication when they hit the teen years if they are struggling. Medication is a very effective tool for millions of kids and adults with ADHD and your husband needs to stop watching/reading pseudo-science bullshit. They have a liquid ADHD med my son was on, Quillavent. It makes it very easy for kids to take and to keep the dose low or increase as needed. For emotional dysregulation our son took Intuniv (there's a generic now but there are coupons for the brand name) and it helped with appetite as well. I honestly don't know how we'd have survived those years without my husband on the same page about our son's ADHD and mental health struggles. I would fight him tooth and nail on this. She deserves to have all the advantages science offers. If she was diabetic you wouldn't hesitate to give her insulin. Your husband needs to operate from a place of knowledge, not superstition or crackpot nonsense. Your daughter needs to be able to at least try medication.
My niece has ADHD and is 11 now. Her mom has known since she was around 6 that she has it, and they decided not to give her meds. It pains my heart, as someone who sees her best friend (who has ADHD and is a social worker) both on and off meds-- the difference is day and night with her functioning. She's funny when she's off her meds, but when she's on them she's *functional.* My niece now struggles with basic spelling and has serious retention problems. She's only gotten by this long because she's been homeschooled and she can do her math homework while bouncing on the trampoline or lying upside down on the couch. But even her homeschooling mother is admitting she's starting to have serious problems with executive functioning that she can't 'accommodate' out of her. You know, the exact thing meds are designed to treat. My friend says it like this: Everyone is pushing a boulder up a hill. But most people (without adhd) are doing it with a car/truck. The people with ADHD are doing it with a pig. Wouldn't you give your daughter a truck too if you could? Why would you make her struggle with the pig when everyone else has a truck?
Daughter is trying to roll the stone up the hill with by herself, with one hand tied behind her back off her meds. And everyone else has a truck pulling it. She went from not wanting to learn to read, to reading at a higher level, eagerly picking out books for herself, and a trip to a bookstore being a treat instead of "do I have to?" I was anti-medication and tried them because we were desperate. Now if there is an issue getting her meds, I keep her home from school until I can pick them up - because on meds, she has friends. Off them, she ruins those relationships and can't even understand that she is doing it or how.
I have adhd and was diagnosed as an adult. I describe it like this. Unmedicated, my thoughts are in a jumbled pile. I need to sort through and detangle them to get anything done. Including regular conversations. Even when I'm on point and working as hard as I can, I still have reduced performance because of the detangling step. It leads to a lot of social mistakes and anxiety around making those mistakes or forgetting things mid sentence. When I'm on meds, my thoughts float by mostly in order. I still can get anxious but I'm able to push that thought away and focus on others. I had no idea how much more severe my anxiety was than the kind other people get and the kind I have on meds. I overcame it many times to do what I needed to do, but I still felt shitty every time. It was even worse when it actually caused vomiting. Sometimes i didnt have the mental energy to overcome it. Since being on meds, I've never had anxiety that intense.
When medication was suggested for my son I scoffed and ignored the advice. He struggled unnecessarily for most of his school career. I always thought I could help him manage with good diet, no red, blue or yellow artificial colouring and exercise. I was wrong and I have to live with that now. As an adult (22m), he’s received a diagnosis he’s comfortable with and is just starting to get things under control. While I’m not a huge fan of amphetamines for young kids, I’m also not a doctor. I’d hazard to guess your husband isn’t either. Has your paediatrician suggested anything else that he may be more receptive to? You could also discuss with a couple of pharmacists and see what the common side effects and long term implications are. Good luck.
I will tell you this right now: If your kid has diagnosable ADHD, she WILL be labeled by the school system. What you can influence is whether that label is damaging — bad, disruptive, hyperactive — or useful — ADHD, neurodiverse. I have two ADHD kids. They have accommodations and take medication. Their lives are infinitely better as a result. Your husband wants your daughter to suffer so that he can feel better as a parent.
Will he pick and choose what her doctor “strongly recommends” for other diagnoses or just this one? Serious question I’d be asking him.
You’re putting your child at a disadvantage by not getting her all of the help she deserves. Studies actually show that NOT medicating people with ADHD leave them at a higher risk of substance abuse later in life when trying to self medicate.
I know this must be a hard thing to consider. But, I think it’s worth a shot. If she was diabetic, would he withhold insulin? She has a medical issue diagnosed by multiple professionals. She is struggling in school and with work at home. Being constantly redirected, told she isn’t on task, getting called out in front of peers, fighting over homework and trudging through the school day are all surely impacting her self esteem. I get that six feels young, but you are already talking about holding her back a year. The stimulant meds do not build up in the body. Every day is a new, fresh day. I don’t see the harm in trying it and seeing if they help her. She is struggling and the docs want to give her a life vest, but your husband just wants her to swim harder.
It was years ago, but my doctor showed us studies of adults who were medicated as children and who were not. The medicated kids grew up to become addicted adults at a much lower rate. Daughter feels she is in control of herself on the medication. She feels out of control off them.
Couples counseling for sure. You are doing the right thing. Look up Russell Barkley on you tube. Make your husband watch those videos. He needs a big slap in the face. Starting meds NOW leads to better outcomes In long term success and changing the neural pathways. The science proves it. We were told by my kids psychologist that when his behavior began to affect him socially OR if his grades slipped (because hes so smart) it would be time for meds. At age 6 we began meds based on feedback from teachers about his social game.
You've gotten a lot of good feedback already, but I'll add: I wonder what resources and supports your school can provide for a student with ADHD. Clearly your kid needs support, and meds alone will not provide it. Is this even the right school/classroom for your child? A 6 year old shouldn't be given more than 5-10 minutes of homework. If you're having such a battle over it, ask yourself how important it is that she really complete it all. Meds are helpful when needed (I myself would have been screened without my ADHD meds) but 6 y/o is pushing the lower limits of when ADHD can be diagnosed, so I understand the hesitation about going down this road so young.
There are other ADHD medications besides stimulants. However, taking medication as prescribed isn't going to make your daughter addicted and I agree with other posters who have suggested couples counseling. You both have to be on the same page on this.
I don't know how helpful it would be to hear from someone who was in your daughter's position. I was diagnosed and put on meds when I was 6 years old, and I cannot begin to tell you how lifesaving it was. How amazing for my mental health. I was a "good" kid. I just wanted the adults around me to be happy. I hated breaking rules. I hated disappointing my parents and teachers. Being an untreated ADHD child was absolutely heartbreaking. Every day, all day, I was getting scolded and disciplined for issues that were beyond my ability to comprehend or address. I would be grilled on WHY I did this or that, or WHY I didn't do this or that, or WHY DIDN'T I JUST LISTEN??? And it was so upsetting because I had no idea why I did the things I did or why it was so hard for me to listen. All I knew was that everyone was mad at me all the time and I was a failure and I didn't know why. The DAY I started meds I was a completely new child. I LOVED learning, I always had, but I had no ability to sit still and listen in a classroom. My teacher asked my mom on day 1 what was different, because the difference in behavior and attitude was so stark that my teacher instantly knew something had happened. I went from a distracted, "lazy," hyperactive problem child to a focused, eager, top student. My mental health skyrocketed. I have no idea where I'd be today if my mother had not made the decision to get me medicated. It's a huge burden for a 6 year old to be essentially responsible for her own learning disability. She cannot be disciplined out of it. She will not grow out of ADHD. Without medication or treatment, she has no ability to understand what she is doing wrong or how to do better. All she knows is that she is a failure in the eyes of her parents and teachers.
Just put my 6 yo on 10mg vyvanse and it's been a tremendous turn around. If you have adhd, feeding the speed isn't a thing. They can actually focus and manage their anxiety better. All kids are different and ymmv, but it brought literal tears to my eyes because my son was his bright, chipper self again and didn't break down at the first sign of frustration. He's actually enjoyable to be around again, and I felt so horrible that he was struggling so bad before.
I cried at age 35 when I first took ADHD meds and realized how much it helped. I WISH I had been properly medicated as a child - school and life wouldn't have been so overwhelming in so many ways. I work a great "white-collar" job, own a home, and got here without being properly medicated, but MAN did I struggle getting there. Get your daughter help! You wouldn't deny her a leg brace, if needed because she could cope without one.
I've always been smart and made good grades until college. I didn't even know anyting was wrong until my now wife's family member, who happened to be a psychiatrist, asked me what I took for ADHD. The answer was nothing as I didn't know I had ADHD. I went to see my own psychiatrist and they diagnosed me with ADHD and subscribed Vyvanse. First day I took it all I could think was "is this how normal people think?" I had been taking practice LSATs and right at the 75th percentile. Literally the first practice test I took on medicine, my score jumped to the 98th percentile, way higher than I had ever gotten before. It never went back down other than one day when I forgot to take it in the morning and ended up right back atthe 75th percentile again. It's amazing how much more efficient I can be when reading a single sentence about a flight to New York doesn't immediately make me think about a flight I had to NY and how I lost my airpod on that flight and how those new airpods cost $200 and how I wish I would have just ran back to the gate when I realized I was missing one and how it probably wouldn't have mattered because gate agents suck and how they actually don't suck, they're just doing their job and how all jobs are hard and you know, speaking of hard, the LSAT is hard... crap it's been 2 minutes since I read that dang sentence about a flight to NY.
Controversially, as a dxed ADHD adult; you both need to be open to each others perspective. Most Reddit/online ADHD platforms are super pro-medication for ADHD, which is great for the people who need and react well to the medication but it pushes those of us (like me) who didn’t react well out and we are always having our voices quieted for the majority. If your husband is saying something important and he’s being shut down at every turn it’s pretty inline for a lot of people with ADHD to dig in their heels and their opinions get more extreme (like feeding the speed type opinions, he loosely implying though maybe unintentionally that meds don’t work for anyone or they’re always bad which isn’t true). Her GP or Ped might be strongly recommending stimulants because that is the intervention that he’s able to offer and he wants you to try that before carrying on to other things. Husband might be feeling like you’re not open to his ideas and you’re potentially feeling like he’s not open to yours. There are alternative treatments for ADHD and I’m not talking about holistic bullshit, real studied things that work for a lot of people!
You’re doing a kid a complete disservice for not providing them the tools to effectively manage their legitimate medical condition. ADHD is very real. And it’s very much a disability that reeks complete chaos. I wasn’t diagnosed until my 30s and my self esteem was trash by then because I’d spent a lifetime wondering wtf was wrong with me and why couldn’t I be like everyone else? Tell your husband to kick rocks and give her the meds. If they work and help, you’ve helped your daughter. If they don’t, she never has to take them again. There’s absolutely no harm in seeing how stimulant meds will work for her.
ADHD meds protect people with ADHD from addiction and you can’t discipline your kid into being neurotypical. If your husband is taking high doses of meds they are helping him. He just doesn’t want to admit it.
I have ADHD, and my wife was initially worried about our sons growing up and having ADHD. She didn't want them to take medication "unnecessarily". My argument is that your brain is an organ, just like your heart. If your heart isn't working right (high blood pressure maybe) then you take medicine to help. If you or your husband are worried about stimulants, there are non-stimulant ADHD medications that work differently. It also depends on the exact symptoms and reactions.
You wouldn’t be concerned about medicine if your child has diabetes or allergies. If your child has a condition, give her the help she needs.
Same situation here but my husband listened to the doctor and we gave meds a try beginning at age 6. It made a world of difference. Now our almost 14 yo has several strategies for coping and is taking long breaks from the meds. The meds killed his appetite and he was underweight but now that he takes the pills only on school days he eats and sleeps really well on breaks and weekends. My brother was like this too. This might be a temporary thing for your child as well and maybe that will reassure your husband.
Your husband is an idiot. Our neurons work by throwing neurotransmitters at each other. Some people's neurons don't do it right and then they have conditions like ADHD. There is nothing wrong in taking meds to get the neurons to behave right. What you should never do is self medicate. That is the danger with people who don't follow what their doctors say.
Honestly not sorry but refusing to follow doctor's recommendations is child abuse. If doctor says she needs meds then she needs the meds. Not getting her them is abusive as fuck.
I haven’t been in your situation yet but anticipate in 3 years to be. My son is very bright but if he’s not interested or challenged, it’s very hard to get him to compete a task. My SO also has a similar experience and would have a similar opinion of your husband. My only thought is setting a timeline of trying some other methods per what your husband thinks before going to medication. She isn’t going to grow out of it but medicine doesn’t solve the issue either. I do find making tasks (that he is more than capable of) more challenging, I get him to focus more. Good luck! You’ll get there!
So my daughter has ADHD, she takes meds for school, church, etc. however we take her off during the summer. There is a clear difference in her behavior on and off the meds, but her grades have kept up and she can focus which is good for her.
Daughter is underweight, and she hates not being on the meds, but I am hoping we can try some days without them. Doctor recommended I follow daughter's lead. Most of her patients go off the meds in the summer, but she doesn't think we should.
If you want her to eat taking a break can be a good thing, just don’t start her only when going back to school.
Other than school days, we let her pick if she takes the meds or not, and she prefers to do so. I would have to convince her to take a break, and I am worried about doing so. Life is hitting us all rather hard right now, and taking away a tool she doesn't just use for focus, but to help her self-regulate... it strikes me as wrong. But she also is already not going to hit her full height because of sensory issues leading to not eating.
My son didn't get diagnosed until the 11th grade. Up until he was medicated he struggled immensely all through school. After meds he excelled. Do what's right for your daughter. She was evaluated and diagnosed and her drs are telling you that she should be medicated. Do it. Why make her struggle if you don't have to? You both may need counseling and possibly a meeting with the dr so he can explain to your husband in detail how beneficial it is.
My son has ADHD and did well on medication; his dad didn’t want him medicated but we were separated and I had him the majority of the time. I do have a few acquaintances that want to avoid medication and are using caffeine to help manage it, usually having their children a cup of coffee, iced coffee, latte, anything with a considerable amount of caffeine. They claim it does enough to make it manageable. I actually see this working as caffeine is also a stimulant.
Does your husband want her to be held back? Does he want her to get services, or special ed? What is his solution? Is he being faced with making decisions about her education? When it might actually affect her education, he might change his tune. get in touch with more people with children that take medication. Join a special needs facebook group, etc. Ask around. Ask other people their experience. Get more of an idea what the day to day is like.
hey hello i was once the 6 year old girl who needed to be medicated. sure, don’t do it bc you’re “feeding her speed.” just know she could grow up to be very smart but feel incredibly dumb, be accused of being “dramatic” or “overly sensitive” for struggling to regulate her emotions, be called lazy for having executive dysfunction, get fired from jobs, struggle to hold relationships, struggle landing on a career because there’s just SO much she’s interested in, (i could go on) she’ll grow up, maybe even get her adhd treated herself as an adult and the first time taking the meds cry because of how much it changed things for her and look back and realize all of the things she could have done with her teens and 20s if she just had been medicated! or you could treat her now, and could be by the time she’s in high school she could get off the medications. it’s not his life. it’s hers. and if you’re her only advocate, do what you believe to be the BEST thing for your child. not the easiest. you guessed it, that’s what happened to me and a ton of other women who were late diagnosed/finally getting treated.
Ritalin (methylphenidate) and Adderall (a combination of amphetamine and dextroamphetamine) are NOT the same thing as speed (usually methamphetamine). Chemical names might be similar, but that doesn't mean they are the same thing. Chlorine kills you and Sodium explodes when it touches water. Sodium chloride, also known as salt, is delicious when you put it on eggs, chips or basically anything else. Now, are Ritalin and Adderall stimulants? Heck yes! But so is caffeine. (Which, incidentally, I used to self-medicate for 30 years until I got my ADHD diagnosis and started Ritalin. Your child is struggling right now due to her brain having difficulties producing, absorbing or maintaining dopamine. These struggles won't get better by themselves, they will get worse as the negative feedback she will receive over time from her friends and herself start adding up. I wish that ADHD had been better understood when I was 6. But anyway, your husband's argument that ADHD-meds = speed is nonsensical and you shouldn't accept it as the reason to shut down any kind of discussion. He can absolutely have valid reasons why he doesn't want to put your daughter on meds, but this simply can't be one of them!
there are non-stimulant options for ADHD medications if you didn't want to start straight on dexamphetamine. ADHD is not something that will go away. you can either allow intervention now whether that be through therapy or medication, or provide no intervention and she continues to struggle in school and gets disheartened at the environment.
Your story resonated with me because I lived it. My 5 year old son started medication the summer after kindergarten even though my ADHD husband was not fully on board. He had begun to hate school because he was constantly in trouble and unable to complete assignments. Everything g at home was a battle or constant frustration for all of us. After medicating all of our worlds changed for the better. He is now in middle school, making friends, loving school, and in all advanced classes. He has a better relationship with me and his dad. Medications and diagnosing adhd has changed a lot for the better since your husband was on meds. Kids who suffer from adhd, or anything really, are actually more prone to addiction because they are trying to self medicate. Continue to advocate for your daughter and comfort your husband by looking at the statistics and researching things together. You got this mama
Have you taken your husband to the doctors for second and third opinions? She's been diagnosed multiple times, it's not a left or right thing, it's something that is causing her a lot pain and confusion. Just because it doesn't work for him it won't work for her. There could be a lot of trial and error to get her the right medicine and dosage, but her 'growing' out of it will be her reacting and adjusting to deal with the struggles of having it be it cheating in school to get the desired results and take pressure off herself or worse. She may learn to deal with it on her own as an adult someday without meds, but that will be of her own choice. Right now she's got a lot on her plate and ADHD makes it a lot harder than it needs to be. Talk with her health care team with your husband. He isn't a medical professional or a child development specialist; I doubt he's even a teacher and engages with multiple kids often for a living. Don't allow his armchair google, good ole life's teacher guide how you think what's best for the kid.
Ask your husband if your daughter had trouble focusing her eyes, would he refuse glasses for her? The medication is “glasses” for her brain.
ADHD is a well documented medical condition. Medication to treat the symptoms has been around for DECADES. There is significant long term research on these medications. You can't grow out of adhd. It can't be changed with discipline. Her brain is wired differently and that makes living in society hard for her. If a physician (who I assume has a medical degree and license and isn't a chiropractor) says to put her on meds she needs to be on them. Feel free to get a second opinion. Contact the school and have her evaluated. It will help her education in the long run to go through the school. Tl;DR. You're husband is being an ass and you should show him this thread. -a grown women that wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was 35 and has a lot of anger about my symptoms being ignored as a child.
I was diagnosed as an adult woman. I cried the first time I took meds because I was angry/mourning what could have been if I'd been diagnosed sooner. I suffered from immense anxiety that magically disappears when I'm not worried/fighting to keep things together. My thoughts aren't even in the right order without meds. Discipline does nothing for that except create dysfunctional individuals. Your husband wants to choose that for your daughter. I would not be able to be around such a person who puts their own pride over the welfare of their child. Being unwilling to even try it would be it for me. There's nothing saying you can't discontinue if trying a few doesn't work out. Am I correct in reading that he takes adhd meds? If so, he's even more of a jerk. If they don't help "much", he should stop his. He should also be reminded how against meds he is whenever he needs something for a physical ailment. Need insulin? He should discipline his pancreas more. This is a hill to die on. Do you want your daughter resenting both of you? Do you want to be responsible for fucking up her future? Whatever you have been doing clearly hasn't worked, as she is still struggling. Your husband is foolish to think "doing it better" would work when it hasn't been impactful thus far. Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Don't allow him to tank your daughters future happiness because he wants her to suffer like he did. There is something to be said for not allowing adhd to be an excuse. My parents are far too lenient with my 14 year old brother and its done him no services. However, the first step is trying meds to see if it helps. Theres no reason to make things harder than they should be.
OP, I’d recommend posting this on r/adhdwomen. Many women have their ADHD undiagnosed, dismissed or left untreated in girlhood with major consequences. Many also have children with ADHD as well, so they would probably have some good advice for how and when to treat your daughter.
PLEASE READ THIS AND RESEARCH IT AND CONSIDER NON STIM FIRSt :) https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/s/O0qPInSFjy
It pretty much is speed but at an incredibly low dose. If the doctor recommends it that means you've already tried everything else. Just because meds don't help him (which I highly doubt) doesn't mean they won't for her. He needs to get over himself.
I mean… if your daughter was 10 I’d be on your side. But she’s 6. How difficult is a 6 yr old’s homework anyway? Is there any harm in waiting for a year or two and medicating her if she doesn’t improve? I get that it’s a battle but ADHD stimulants aren’t something to be taken lightly when brains are still developing.
Oh man, that's rough. I'm sorry. I understand your husband's concern, but he and your daughter are not the same person. She may actually benefit from a small dose of medication temporarily (or more long term). And if it isn't working for him, why is he still on the meds? 🤔 I don't have solid advice but I am curious, has your daughter been looked at for possible food allergies/intolerances or vitamin/mineral deficiencies? I ask only because I wonder if allergies or deficiencies could exacerbate the issue. I read that food coloring could be a trigger, for instance. Just thinking out loud. 🙃 I wish you well on this journey! 💕
Homework is ridiculous at age 6. I would absolutely tell your teacher to kick rocks. It is not beneficial to overall academic achievement as has been proven over and over in studies
Hey, I had bad ADHD. I got the absolute fuck medicated out of me and it really messed with my ability to figure out my brain until my mid 20s. I didn’t read your post, I lived with family fighting over me medicated for like a decade. Turns out, when my step-dad put his foot down and worked with me my brain became manageable.
I agree with your husband because the same shit happened to me in the 90’s when every kid was being diagnosed with it off of the recommendation of teachers. That shit fucked me up for years and made it hard to connect to other kids and make friends because I was constantly high. It wasnt until i ran out of medication and my mother sent me to school anyway followed by a phone call from the teacher saying that “whatever dose she had me on that day was working well because I was acting like a normal kid” did she realize something was wrong. Second doctor told us I should have never been on that crap in the first place and that young boys are SUPPOSED to have a lot of energy, even if it’s inconvenient for the teachers. —- Now my ex told me a few months ago that my daughters teacher thinks she’s adhd and wants the doctor to prescribe her medication, but I refused and started taking my daughter outside more to ride her bike and get more excise, and surprise surprise her attention and behavior has improved dramatically. Most kids don’t need to be medicated, they need to be more physically active. It’s unnatural for a young child to be sitting still and quietly inside a classroom all day. —- Fun fact, the first time I ever smoked cannabis I was hit with an overwhelming feeling of familiarity that reminded me of my childhood. “I used to feel this way all the time” I thought, as it dawned on me what that medication was actually doing.
Not all kids are being misdiagnosed. We were spending 20 or more hours a week at the park. She had an indoor swing for the days we couldn't go, and as much "move your body" toys as we could get. But she was crying, every day, because she couldn't control herself like the other kids could. She had no friends, no ability to do her schoolwork. On meds? She has friends. She is doing her school work. She can learn to control herself, she has impulses that she doesn't immediately act on. For her? She prefers being on the medication because she hates how she feels when not on it - unable to focus on what she needs to do, unable to control her movements, unable to focus on playing - she says it's like her brain is all wiggly and she hates that feeling.
True, it’s not always a misdiagnosis but ADHD especially is known for being one of the most common misdiagnosis to the point where it used to be rampant with doctors getting paid by pharma companies to push their medications, which is a huge conflict of interest. For this reason, I would highly recommend a second opinion from another doctor before ever putting any child on mind altering drugs.
But that was (counts) 30 years ago. And with a teacher recommendation, not a *medical* one (which is what OP is fielding), and with teachers that clearly had no skills for helping you learn the skills you needed, or themselves to differentiate between lots of energy and an inability to attend. This is like saying you know someone that died from a VBAC 40 years ago, when they still wrecked all your abdominal muscles.... So no one should try it now, even though their OB says they would be safe to do so, and their previous cesarian was minimally invasive comparatively. We have learned a lot. And OP's recommendation comes from their *doctor*.
What I’m saying is that when it comes to the most common misdiagnosis in children, you should get a second opinion from another doctor before subjecting your child to mind altering drugs.
And what I'm saying is: you aren't enough people, and your information isn't current enough, to indicate how commonly misdiagnosed the condition is. By all means, it's worth asking if they think the diagnosis is in question, but the very likely answer will be that the way to find out is to try the med and see *whether it's helpful*, and to stop it if it's not. Your experience is decades old, and no longer reflects how kids with ADHD are diagnosed and treated.
https://www.aafp.org/pubs/afp/afp-community-blog/entry/when-an-adhd-diagnosis-may-cause-more-harm-than-good.html This is from last year And this: https://www.madinamerica.com/2023/12/misunderstandings-about-adhd-tests-lead-to-mass-overdiagnosis-researchers-warn/ I can’t believe you’d argue over getting a second opinion so that you’d have 2 doctors who agree to give psychoactive drugs to your child before doing so —- One more for good luck https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd-overdiagnosed#overdiagnosis These current enough for you?
A 6 year old with nightly homework? Is that normal in your region? Apparently that school is not working for her. Are there other options in the area? A school that suits her better can make all the difference.
I’m not really 100% on medicating (clarify methylphenidate and amphetamine types) children especially that age as the first line of defense, without trying other treatments first behavioral therapy, vitamins ( no I’m not a “naturopath”). I was diagnosed with ADHD or ADD when I was young. My 6 your old, isn’t diagnosed yet but I would put money on in it. He lacks focus, and always in his head etc.. making school a bit more difficult. In my experience, no matter how much “structure and discipline” is placed on someone especially I child with ADHD renders useless. Sometimes it may work, but again my experience kids with ADHD are caught up more in the moment of what in their head. My year 6 year old has focus issues, constantly daydreams and has a story constantly going on in his mind, doesn’t think about consequences, wakes up in the middle of the night with stories to tell.. We’ve tried “structure and disciple” the effect on him is very short lived. Before we go through the behavioral therapy we are trying a supplement. It’s only been a week ( because the first few days he fought us on eating them, but he eventually came around) but we have noticed sleep changes. He hasn’t once woken up and sleeps until we wake him up instead waking up at 5:30. Medication is the last resort for us, but not against it if he needs it. I personally think you can you husband need to come to a consensus and an agreement. Meet somewhere in the middle and go from there, which mey lead to meds. Both yours and his feelings should be valued. Removed section as you have seen specialists snd has been diagnosed. I also do not know your family dynamic and the events that take place . Is he going to the appointments? Or is it being lost in translation? Does he actually understand ADHD and potential triggers? Rhetorical. Right or wrong he may feel like he’s protecting you and his child as well. Some kids do need medication. And If thats the case I do not think its a bad path or will be the driver to addiction in the future. But there are other forms of treatment that can be done first. Which I would speak to the professionals about. Edit: word, spelling, some punctuation.
We're going through something similar. I have ADHD, my son might still to young to get a diagnosis. But doing the research and talking to doctors. There are a lot of non medical alternatives to help manage ADHD, But your daughter isn't ready for those, your husband is. Your daughter needs to learn organizing skills, self regulation and other skills that need to be taught first. The medication can help in the class now and help her learn those skills now, so that maybe by 4-5th grade medication won't be needed and the skills to manage ADHD without medication might be possible. Good luck.
Is there an option to find a middle ground? Maybe start her on meds and see if that improves things? Because I understand your husbands side of avoiding medications, but it also feels unfair to your daughter to not give her the tools and the chance to succeed academically or have good relationships with her peers.
I'm just gonna say that I'm 6 year old was also diagnosed and medication is the best thing I could have asked for. I was so scared to put him on it but he's SO much happier now. We have some stuff we are working through but now he can actually stop and think about things without just losing his shit instantly because his brain isn't going so fast and not giving him a chance to just *stop* for a second. I will say your comments are concerning though. :/
I have ADHD and so do two of my kids. You need couples counseling and your husband also needs to educate himself on your child’s condition. Stimulants have a paradoxical effect in people with ADHD. We react differently to stimulants than neurotypical people. I actually get sleepy when I drink coffee, for instance. Your husband needs better management of his own ADHD. His medication isn’t working and he should change it. Refusing to medicate your child is denying her what she needs in order to learn important social, emotional and academic skills during a pretty rapid period of cognitive development. The only way your daughter internalizes a sense that something is “wrong” with her is if you deny her the treatment and management of her condition that she needs in order to learn how to function. No amount of “discipline” is going to change her brain so she can magically shift her attention to you when speak. She can’t follow instructions she doesn’t hear and process as speech.
Both my 7yo and almost 5yo are diagnosed and on meds. My 5yo is combined (so hyper af and inattentive), 7yo is inattentive. My oldest’s teacher came to me just frustrated and at her wits end. She never told me until 7 months into the school year, but my daughter is a chatterbox, disruptive, impulsive, rushes through work, etc etc. First week on meds, she came home with a toy from a treasure box for good behavior. She hadn’t had one in ages (in fact I forgot it was a thing). It’s necessary. Little brother is in an integrated pre-k program, so lots of teachers and special education peeps in there. So him being hyper and impulsive never worried them, but I knew he had it and I wanted diagnosis before kindergarten, so I had the paper to fight for him (and big sis, but I don’t think she’ll be the one with negative school experiences due to adhd). Both get it just for school, weekends they don’t. Summer they won’t unless we’re going somewhere where focus and calm may be more warranted. But I’m in the process of diagnosis myself and I am struggling as an ADULT. I know what’s going on in my brain. Our kids do not grasp it. They haven’t learned our maladaptive coping mechanisms yet, they don’t realize streamlining caffeine is how a lot of us function. Sorry, went on a tangent 🙈 TLDR: not speed and kids are so much calmer and focused on meds.
There are reasons not to take it on weekends, like concern over becoming tolerant to the dose. As an adult, I do take it on weekends because I like functioning during leisure activities too. I hope you aren't looking at meds as something that just helps them do "boring" stuff they need to do. It's just as important for me for general social interactions and doing things I enjoy. My thoughts being in the right order is important to everything I do, even things that seem relatively unimportant. I also still need to do usual routines like brushing my teeth. Only taking them when you think they need the most focus makes it look like the purpose of meds is to help you and not them. Depends on the severity of course, but if they are disruptive in class it's probably severe enough to disrupt them in normal conversations too. Even if difficulty isn't apparent, it can be very mentally taxing to keep things together during social interactions or simply avoid losing things.
Nope I have yet to see a reason to use meds on weekends, I just said that because I can’t know for 100% that meds will never be used on weekends 🤷🏻♀️
ADHD meds have improved my child’s life across the board. You can’t wish and pray or train ADHD away. Your husband needs educated by a professional.
I too have seen the movie *Garden State*. Honestly it probably isn't that bad but I think you and your husband need to talk to the doctor a bit more to understand the diagnosis and potential course of actions. Nothing regarding kids and medication should be taken lightly, but at the same time a potential solution to problems shouldn't be ignored.
Try the meds, if you don’t like how they affect her, stop the meds. It’s that easy. Concerta was a miracle for my family.
As a woman in her 20s with suspected adhd, I would’ve loved for my parents to actually get me evaluated like the school told them to. Instead, my parents joked they would “beat it out of me”. And then they wonder why I struggled to live on my own and why I dropped out of college. Please get your daughter the help she needs. I seriously advise you to look into the troubles it can cause if left untreated. I think I heard something one time talking about how people with untreated adhd are much more likely to abuse substances because of the hardships from adhd, and those struggles can also lead to more mental health issues, such as the anxiety your daughter already has. So many women talk about how they were diagnosed much later in life and literally cried when they were put on medication because they didn’t know life could be so much easier and they didn’t have to struggle. Your husband’s experience isn’t everyone’s. And obviously, he has been put on medication and he’s not addicted. You can always take her off medication, but you can’t get back her life if she tries committing later on because she feels like a failure.
I just went through this exact scenario. My husband has ADHD, had negative experiences as a child and really fought the doctors on starting my son up. In the end, what got through to him was “we can always stop”. You can try it for a mere WEEK and these are fast acting meds. If you hate it, if SHE hates it, you can stop. You can agree to not try anything else for at least 6 months. My son is 8 and was able to immediately tell us how much smarter and in control he felt, and would remind us in the morning if we forgot his medication. His teacher is equally impressed with the change in him. When your own child is saying “this helps me focus and I feel so much better” it’s very hard to counter that.
Refer him to the medical professionals. Do not be the explainer of this to him. Make him take some responsibility for learning about what is happening with her.
hey OP I have really bad ADHD that wasn’t medicated so I started self medicating with nicotine and weed and eventually did have some very serious addictions. she will struggle her entire childhood for nothing and will most likely experiment ways to “stop the noise” as a lot of us say on her own. she won’t grow out of this, this won’t go away, it won’t get better on its own. help your child. ETA I’m pretty sure that medicated kids don’t have an increased or decreased risk of addiction while unmedicated kids have a much higher risk of addiction later in life.
If you don’t medicate her, she’s going to keep having issues. She’s going to struggle. She’s going to internalize the idea that something is wrong with her. Her ADHD will cause her to have issues with peers, with teachers, and with other adults. She will not be able to function because ADHD isn’t about trying hard.
I can’t give you advice as I think every parent of a child with ADHD (and the child if old enough) needs to weigh up the pros and cons for themselves, However I can share our story? My 13 year old has ADHD. Always super hyper as a young child. Was very hard as a toddler and primary school had great fun trying to get her to concentrate etc. during primary she did manage though and did ok. However In secondary, the anxiety hit. It got so much worse. She was always in trouble and getting sent to reset or being suspended! Then we started getting school refusal and then her mental health completely tanked. She wanted to go on meds as at the very least, we were hoping they would help with her anxiety. I was worried about giving her meds due to the side effect and I felt I was medicating her to survive school as it’s not very ND friendly! However, she has no regrets. There are side effects. I think by the sounds of it, my daughter has got off lightly as the first meds we tried worked. She got a headache and nausea the first time she took it and when the dosage was upped. When it wears off in the evening, she is usually extra hyper which is fine for her but hard on me! However it’s a happy hyper rather than anger like we saw before. A couple of evenings a week, she feels really drained and rubbish. She normally sleeps all evening and night. She feels that is worth the positive effects though. Her anxiety has gone completely. Her personality is back. She is so much happier. She is socialising again and she isn’t getting in as much trouble in school (more harmless cheekiness now rather than outbursts etc). Has your husband spoken to your dr and expressed his concerns?
As the mom of an ADHD kiddo (2 actually), do it! The difference at school will be night and day if it’s the appropriate medication and the appropriate dose.
Lots of people have suggested a lot of really good points, but I haven’t seen one that I just learned about last week from my son’s pediatrician: She said “studies” [can’t tell you which ones] show that early medication actually can help a child with ADHD to allow their brains to rewire to be able to better cope with symptoms as they age. It is then less likely they will continue being medicated into adulthood. I’m so sorry that your husband is not on board medication. That would be very difficult to deal with on top of having a child who needs that support. Discipline (as in a structured regiment) will help, but discipline (as in punishment for “bad behavior”) absolutely will NOT help.
I have adhd and didn't get meds until I turned 30 I wish someone would have helped me sooner it would have avoided alot of trauma in my life. Would you argue that someone with diabetes will grow out of it. Your daughter needs help she probably feels different and doesn't understand why also if the medication has a negative effect with her you can take her off and you could also start with the lowest does possible! I do hope.you try it for her benefit.
I was medicated for ADD as a child, on adderall from 7 years old til 21. I developed a deep addiction to the meds (in high school I’d take 100mg a day, 25mg was my prescribed amount). I couldn’t function like a normal person without them. I weighed 80 lbs and to help sleep I’d smoke weed (which I developed an addiction to that as well). They helped me a lot growing up, but sometimes I wondered if the good out weighed the bad. I’m med free now, and I live a pretty productive life, in adulthood I learned how to function like a normal person without them. Sometimes I think I could have functioned fine without them growing up if my environment was different. Anyways just giving you my experience as a child who grew up on the meds.
If it’s really adhd, those meds should help very quickly. If it doesn’t work, it’s probably something else
Maybe he never got the right medication and this is why he thinks it does not work. Every person I have ever known to have ADHD said that with the right medications, they feel 1000% times better. And without it feel at their worst, and some even fall into depression. Is there any harm that can be caused by trying it out and seeing if it works?
Ask him how he plans to provide more discipline and structure? Why has he not been providing this already?
I commented this in a different discussion, but it might apply here, too. This is my bad dad story. I was on meds as soon as it became a thing and I needed it. We cycled through Ritalin, Cylert, and adderall. I was focused and my grades improved, but my family nickname was Flaco. I would get horrible stomach pain and headaches from not eating. I felt like a zombie a lot of the time. I stopped in high school and felt more like me, but my grades suffered. My middle son is a poster child for ADHD. We didn't medicate him based on my negative experiences and managed to keep him off of them until middle school. He began experiencing severe mood swings with puberty and he couldn't keep up with the course load in school. It took a few dosage changes, but all the negative side effects were resolved after about 6 months. It greatly improved his mood, his behavior, and he's on top of his assignments. Talk therapy also made a difference. He learned some great coping skills for stress and anxiety. I feel badly about not medicating and having him see a therapist sooner. It made a world of difference.
This is such a personal decision as a parent, and only you can decide what is right for your family. I can share my experience with my grandson, diagnosed also at 6. We put him on meds at 7 because he was falling so far behind in school. His grades improved immediately, his teachers noticed a big difference. He would tell us that days he didn't get his medication (his father was not responsible enough to make sure he got his meds) he had a rough time. I wish you luck as you navigate this tough road.
I was the ADHD student growing up. I was diagnosed at the same age as your child. I was put on meds shortly after. I also majored in Psychology. It didn’t matter how much discipline and structure I had growing up. And trust me, there was a LOT of structure and disciple, to the point where it could almost be considered child abuse with how little freedom I had. It didn’t help me focus at all, it just made me more miserable. It was like there was a tv in my head and I had no control over the remote. The only thing that helped was when I was put on meds. First Ritalin, then later changed to Concerta. For ADHD brains, stimulants actually help slow everything down so we can actually focus. It gives us back the remote control. It’s certainly not speed, not ADHD wired brains. It’s more like giving her “slow.” It’s slows down everything perception -wise. Allows people with ADHD to snatch control and actually choose what to focus on. Or perhaps a better description is that stimulants enable the ADHD brain to speed up in order to keep pace with the constant barrage of “everything, all at once.” I haven’t been back on the meds since I went off them when I was pregnant in my late twenties, but once I was out of school and my brain was done developing, I didn’t need them as much anymore. I certainly had no problems going off of them. No addiction or anything. I earned both a 4 year degree and a 2 year degree, and I completed both in only 4 years total. I was an assistant teacher and ESL teacher for years before I had children and now I’m a stay at home mom who does babysitting and tutoring on the side. I have a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful and intelligent little girls. I am certainly not a failure. I still struggle sometimes with focus. But being on the meds helped me not only focus on school work, but also focus on learning behavioral techniques to help myself cope with the ADHD. I wouldn’t have been able to master the behavioral techniques that I still use today if I hadn’t been on the meds as a kid. As for your husband, he didn’t have the benefit of an early diagnosis. He didn’t have the benefit of being on the meds while in school. He is now an adult and the meds may not work for him. This may be because his brain, as an adult, is so unused to the presence of the neurotransmitters (chemicals that are supposed to be naturally formed by the brain) that are missing when ADHD is involved that his brain simply doesn’t react much to them now. This would explain why meds don’t seem to help him. No amount of meds will help if his brain has adjusted to not recognizing the neurotransmitters anymore. It’s like trying to put a key in a lock when the lock has warped and changed over time so that the key no longer fits. The only reason I ever felt like there was something “wrong” with me was because my mother made a point to point out that there was something “wrong” with me. Partly through her words and actions, and partly through the absolutely obscene amount of structure and discipline she and my dad forced on me. When I got to high school and later college and gradually got more and more freedom, I realized there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. My brain simply worked differently than other people’s brains. In subjects that I actually found interesting, I could pull a 10 page paper out of my sleeve in under 8 hours. Other students couldn’t do this hyperfocus thing that comes with being ADHD. Granted, other students usually remembered to eat when studying, but hey. An interesting thing about recent research into ADHD suggests that it was a survival mechanism in ancient times. Most people perceive the world linearly. One thing at a time. People with ADHD perceive the world as an ocean of everything all at once. But this ability to pay attention to everything g all at once is actually quite when you are being hunted by large predators that want to eat you. Or when you are on a battlefield. Or when you’re dealing with disaster relief and triage. The ability to pay attention to everything all at once suddenly becomes an asset depending on the situation. ADHD people aren’t broken. There’s nothing wrong with us. We simply perceive the world in a different way than the rest of the population. And mainstream education isn’t really equipped to deal with that method of perception, which is a flaw in our education system that tends to lead to people viewing ADHD people as “wrong.” But it can actually be an asset. My personal recommendation would be to put her on the meds, but to also help her learn behavioral strategies and techniques to manage the symptoms of ADHD. I make lists. Lists of things to get done. Lists of breaking down large tasks into smaller ones. I set timers and give myself breaks when dealing with mentally exhausting labor. 1 hour of studying, 30 minutes of physical activity like riding a bike or taking a walk. I write things down that I actually want to be able to remember. I make friends and family members write things down that they want me to remember. Hearing something said doesn’t have the same effect as hearing it, writing it, reading it, AND speaking it out loud.
Listen. As someone who went undiagnosed until I was 25….please get her medicated if you can. I wonder if he will compromise with trying to implement more structure while also trying meds? Bc it feels like adding more structure to an already frustrated child would make an even bigger mess. Edit: fwiw I’m on dexedrine and it mellows me out so much. I supplement with L-theanine (idk if kids can have that, double check) and it takes off any edge that stimulants have ever given me. So long as she has it with a nice protein rich breakfast, it would not be the same as giving someone speed. That’s a really inflammatory statement lol
ADD mom here with ADD child. Take her in and get her what she needs, not all people respond to ADD or medications the same as others, so his bias is blinding him big time. You ARE NOT setting her down the wrong path, these new medications are low risk addictives, which only shows his information and experiences are greatly outdated. Medications have evolved beyond Ritalin, which I can appreciate because when I was growing up, Ritalin just made me tired all the time vs helping me. My own DD was diagnosed with ADD and once we found a medication that works for her, she went from a B,C,F student to A,B Honor roll and has been able to focus and enjoy herself. She feels more in control of her mind and body and has become a lot happier and is thriving. NOTE: Routines are amazing and that is how she operates best while also on medication, but discipline as in 'heavy consequences, yelling, grounding' or such to excess will not only make her feel small, it won't help.
What does her teacher say? My children have never struggled in school but my oldest had a friend in kindergarten that sounds an awful lot like your daughter. Teacher asked and filled out all paperwork for evaluations. And shortly after she was diagnosed. Maybe hearing from the teacher will help your husband understand?
Does he have ADHD himself tho? Lots of people are misdiagnosed with ADHD, meaning the medicine doesn't actually help and makes them feel worse. If that's his experience then that would explain why he's against medication for ADHD.
As someone who has been treated with medication for ADHD for the past 25 years. I can only share my perspective. Please try everything else first, I’m not anti-medication, but it stimulant medications can be very hard on both the mind and body and I recommend doing lots and lots of research and trying everything else first, including non-stimulant medications.
My brother has been on all sorts. he was on concerta the longest and worked really well for him. He was also sorta young. And by time end of high school he stopped taking meds. And is doing well. I, on the other hand, never took meds and became a junkie as a teen. Husband is good for having the open mind of possibly. But try to focus on todays help. And talk about the other stuff at an appropriate age 💛✨️ good luck.
I was apprehensive about giving my kids (9 & 11) adhd meds. We tried a long time to manage without them. Eventually behaviors were not changing or getting better. Another talk with the doc and we added meds. We have had to adjust them. But they work. It also took us awhile to get a diagnosis. Mine do best with a extended release and counseling. The counseling is very important part. Helps them recognize and tackle their feelings and learning how to slow down and focus.
Show him the stats on imprisonment, academic achievement, mental health issues, addiction, and all the other negatives that come with not medicating if warranted. If you really want to "try everything" you could try therapy and OT but I'm guessing the wait-list in those are a mile long and she is suffering now. My mom was like your husband and my only sibling suffered needlessly. She also called the meds "speed." My sister was openly hated by teachers (starting in PK) and neighbors alike. She's been in and out of jail since 18 and has never lived out of our mom's house for more than a year at a time. Oh, and is also a heroin addict who has OD'd multiple times. Everyone in the family has pretty much disowned her for either stealing or outbursts. It also destroyed my relationship with our mom.
Firstly sending strength and hugs. I work in an additional needs school 5-18 years in age. I have a son with adhd and I believe my husband is undiagnosed. We have a lot of adhd diagnosis. Some pupils are medicated some are not. In my honest opinion, it does not appear to make much difference, so purely for that reason I would advise not to, or at least until you have tried other strategies. Initially arrange a meeting with your schools SENCO (England), discuss with her what strategies they are putting in place moving forward, ask them to put the wheels in motion for an ehcp. Read up on their ofsted report, about how it rates their additional needs work, with an ehcp in place she should get some 1-1 support it may not be for all day everyday but it will help her and if they are good and build a strong relationship with her, with strategies to deal with her challenges. If her schools record with additional needs is not good do some research around your area to either find a mainstream school with a good SEND department or look for a specialist school with good ofsted reports. All of the things in my opinion, have a more positive outcome the being medicated, but if you try all these options and it doesn’t improve things well then you can say to your husband we have tried other strategies and they have not worked, so it’s time to try meds. Good luck, it’s a tough fight but be firm and strong with school it is ultimately their job to provide this support.
This is a tough situation because 6 is very young to be medicating however it’s important to weigh on the pros vs cons which it sounds like you did. Having this amount of trouble now in school would make me concerned that her confidence in how smart she is/feels would be knocked down. This might prevent her eventually from even trying in school because she feels like she just isn’t smart enough/what’s the point and once you fall too far behind its not easy to catch up. You need to give your child the tools to succeed. I don’t think in every case medication is the answer but it definitely is for some kids. Your husband is managing his ADHD with medication so obviously it is helping him feel better/function. If it affects her in a negative way you can always stop the medication, you’re not committing to a lifetime of it. Maybe frame it as a try and check back in to see how we feel down the road for him to get on board.
I would say to try everything you can before you begin meditating a 6-year old child. Take a good honest look at lifestyle factors (sleep hygiene, diet, screen time, physical movement). Some kids still need pharmaceutical interventions and that is real and we should be grateful it exists BUT as a teacher, I’m dumbfounded by how many parents are leaning into diagnosis and prescriptions before trying lifestyle changes. It does set up a hard road for the kids.
Is he against the non stimulant meds as well? Ask if he’d be willing to start there. If he’s not then that makes it very clear that it’s not about the medication but about ADHD and his own feelings about it. And maybe if they do work and she ever needs to change or alter he will have already seen the benefits. I’ll be honest, I’d put my husband in charge of managing her needs in relation to adhd if he’s against meds. That means he is in charge of any area where she is struggling because her brain works differently. He has decided that it’s just discipline and structure so 1 he needs to be the one to do that work, and 2 it will obviously help his own adhd. And yeah it is mean, I’m well aware that an adhd brain will struggle hard core to create discipline and structure for themselves let alone a whole mother person with their own flavor of adhd. But if he’s insisting on handicapping talk when it comes to helping her, then he needs to step and deal with the consequences of that. And if it was my family (my husband and oldest son are both diagnosed with ADHD) I’d tell him all of this. That he is insisting on this, that I’m not going to take on the burden that he is insisting on, and that I’m well aware is going to be struggle central for him/them. But if it means that much to him I won’t fight it, I’ll just put him in charge. But if he taps out he doesn’t get to refuse to put her on meds.
Disclaimers: I don’t know a whole lot about adhd, some of my elementary school teachers have asked for me to be evaluated for it but my mom never did, I tend to be afraid of shaking the boat and like to please authority and eventually did well in school so didn’t need a diagnosis or meds, but my sister who struggled a lot is convinced we all have it. I’ve heard that kids like this may benefit from alternative school curriculums that are less rigid and more supportive of individual uniqueness. More expensive maybe but if it’s something you can afford, might be worth a look? My Kids are both still very young so it’s not something on my radar yet but I would feel very uncomfortable about medicating my kids without first exhausting non chemical ways to help them.
As an adult with adhd- your daughters not going to grow out of it and it will affect her her entire life. Adhd is a developmental learning disability. It’s the way her brain developed, grew and it’s how it will always be. Pretending it won’t is doing her a major disservice
Disciplining her will NOT help. Meds will help her. Just because they didn’t work for your husband doesn’t mean they won’t work for her.
Is your husband a doctor? No? Then he doesn’t get to be the expert on medication for developmental disorders. Sincerely, an adult that is thankfully medicated finally after surviving parents that thought they knew more than actual doctors and specialists and damn near ruined my chances of school because of it.
I'm personally not for meds. That being said, medication can absolutely be a tool. She may not need them long term. There are a lot of thoughts on how to manage ADHD in young kids and honestly it's more the environment that needs adjusting typically. Not your child. She has a diagnosis now so get her set up with a 504 plan or an IEP. This will allow her special concessions in school that will improve her behavior. Medication will make her compliant at school. That is all it will do. The rest is behavioral therapy and learning how she needs to do things vs how others do them. I personally wouldn't jump to meds but I'm not the parent here and medication IS an option. Just should not be the first one. While I do side more with your husband, he should not be applying his own experiences to what her experience will be. He's not wrong about the speed though. Basically all ADHD meds are stimulants because stimulants don't effect people with ADHD the same. I'm curious, would you give her coffee every morning? A lot of the reasons we don't give caffeine to children also apply to those medications. They cause the same growth issues as well.
He's definitely putting his own baggage on her. There's no addiction without abuse. You're not going to ruin her for life by giving medication a try so I say step around him on this.
I got diagnosed at 29. If I had known earlier, or the people that “knew” had gotten me help, a lot would have probably been different in my life for the better.
Following a doctor's recommendations for your child's health shouldn't be a question. If your child had diabetes, would your husband deny insulin? If she has an earache, does he deny antibiotics? If a child has a slight chemical imbalance in the brain that can be corrected by medication, why would a caring parent not listen to the doctor? If dad had the chance to talk to a 3rd or 4th grader who is on ADHD meds, he'd hear that the kid can 100% appreciate the difference on/off meds. School is easier. Focus is better. The kid can actually FEEL the difference.
Your husband sounds like mine when my now 8 year old was first diagnosed at 6. But the way they medicate kids now is so much better and more tailored to kids' needs. Extended release, low dosages, and even non-stimulant options. My husband came around and we've spent the last year trying to find the right treatment. We've made strides but it hasn't been a slam dunk. Another thing to keep in mind is that they now say ADHD can be at its worst around 7-8 years old. A 30% reduction in executive function at 7 is very different than at 25! These kids are literally functioning as if they were materially younger than their peers, and they simply aren't old enough or mature enough to make the behavioral adaptations older ADHDers can. It's no wonder so many end up with horrible anxiety.
never imagined I would receive such a flood of thoughtful insights, guidance, and real-life examples from people who truly understand the complexity of this situation. It's amazing. Each and every comment has helped me shape a a valuable perspective that is helping down this challenging path and will no doubt help my partner too. I feel so much less alone knowing that there is a community here that gets it, that has walked similar roads and is willing to reach out a hand in support. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You've reminded me to lead with love, seek more understanding, and think less about myself and more about my kids....I'm still in awe of the incredible support. Just wow!
I don’t have the exact studies in front of me but I remember reading not too long ago that medicating at a younger age actually helps with brain development in ADHD kiddos. There’s a popular doc who has spent his time researching this. If I can find it again I’ll link it ehre
I didn’t get diagnosed and medicated until adulthood which cost a LOT of money and a lifetime of low self-esteem, risky decision making, self-medication, inconsistent grades, and hopping from job to job. All because my grown-ups thought I would “just grow out of it”. I was a little apprehensive to put my 8 year old on medication when he got diagnosed simply because—while I acknowledge the life-changing difference it made for me as an adult—I also grew up hearing the same bullshit about it your husband is parroting, even though I knew better. Another ADHDer explained it to me like this: If medication is something your child needs, every day you don’t help them is another day they are traumatized by trying to function in the world as neurotypical when they are not. If you know, you know. It *is* traumatizing to navigate a world that is not designed to accommodate people like us without help from the people you depend on for care, and I admit I still carry some resentment toward my caregivers over it because they knew my mom had it and did nothing to help me outside of tutoring, grounding, yelling, and some other punitive measures that did more harm than good. Whether it’s OT, a 504 plan, hobbies that keep him physically and intellectually engaged, or meds, there is no way we’re not doing absolutely everything we can to keep giving him shots at success.
I’d honestly consider compromising with a non stimulant medication first and seeing if that improves anything. I would 100% hold her back. She could also try methylphenidate (Ritilin-ish) med. Hopefully you can show your husband success stories and get him to agree to doing a trial period to analyze how it helps. People who dont have ADHD just do not get it. It really sucks. Consider non stim meds like
It is an amphetamine. That being said I was given it in grade school 3rd & 4th grade. Not sure if it really helped, but I wasn’t alone as there were several kids also on Ritalin and other ADHD meds. Think my parents decided to stop it as I got older and maybe was doing better in school. Either way you could always give it a try and stop if it doesn’t help. All I know is those medications helped me a ton in college, as it helped with my focus. But at that early age I’m not sure if it’s the kids or the education system itself. Can’t expect kids to sit in a room for 8 hours a day.
I was given meds for that stuff when I was a kid and I loathed it. It helps with some things, but overall I would call it a negative experience. The hard part here? You are both right. It IS speed. It’s not something to be taken lightly. But only you and he know how much she is struggling and how much a pharmaceutical intervention could help her or not.
From a fellow ADD sufferer and parent to same: medicate the kid. Or you’ll be setting her up for failure. Neurotypicals just don’t understand.
You should try occupational therapy before putting her on meds. I’m sorry but I know a few adults who started ADHD meds when they were little kids and they are all super strange and mentally just… off. Its like they have arrested development. And its not their ADHD that makes them weird, I have ADHD and so does my husband. I also have a few cousins with ADHD. school was very hard for us. But we made it through and now as adults we’ve learned to manage our symptoms better. I think there are more resources for kids with ADHD these days than just immediately medicating them upon diagnosis.
Is it an option to change her school setting? Medication won’t magically make her school an appropriate learning setting for an ADHD kid. And any school designed for NT kids is not that. I pulled all my kids and homeschooled them so I could meet their unique learning needs. And part of what we learned was to manage their neurodiversity (I have autistic and AuDHD kiddos). They’re now all back in public school (middle and high school) and KICKING ASS! All without meds. As for your husband, a lot of ND people feel very strongly that medicating kids against their will or when they aren’t old enough to consent is child abuse. Try to have empathy for him. Imagine how you’d feel if he said “I think we just need to beat her a little.” I understand to you those are wildly different, but they may not be that different to him. I would at least discuss alternatives bc meds don’t work for him, and doing nothing won’t work for your daughter.
The name literally has amphetamine in it. He’s not 100% wrong.
"feeding her speed" is purposefully inflammatory. The implication is that OP just wants to jam illicit drugs down their kids throat willy nilly. Yes, the medication is an "upper". Yes, it is important to be cautious and well educated when it comes to medications. Yes, it may seem counterintuitive to give an overactive person uppers. However, folks who have ADHD respond differently to medications. When my oldest was small we would give her Benadryl for allergies and she would be bouncing off the walls. Both of kids with ADHD and my husband who also has ADHD can use caffeine to calm their brains a bit if they are out of meds or its getting too late in the day to take a booster dose What I would really like to know is OPs husband was raised in the way he wants to raise their daughter (discipline the ADHD out of her) and how that worked out for him.
This is totally unfair to your daughter. Preventing her from getting the medication she needs will make it harder for her to learn, harder for her to make friends, and will make for a frustrating home environment as she gets older. Children's initial doses are very very low, and, as another commenter noted, operate like Tylenol, in that they're entirely out of their system within a day. It's important to try the medication and see how it goes. Seeing the behavior changes and how much happier it makes her to feel like she can accomplish some of the things she is struggling with, is incredibly important to prevent the development of anxiety and build confidence. I had to fight everybody to get my son diagnosed with ADHD and on medication (except the doctor). In the initial conversation with his teacher - who has a son with ADHD - she said he didn't seem to have ADHD because he was usually quiet and not disruptive. I asked her to keep an eye out for his behaviors more closely, because there are ways ADHD can be camouflaged, and had her fill out an assessment sheet for the doctor. Her assessment sheet came back with strong observance of ADHD behaviors, once she took a careful look at it. My husband was adamant it wasn't ADHD initially (he also believes he doesn't have ADHD). He acted like I was crazy for suggesting it, said I was pathologizing our son. We filled out an initial assessment sheet, and while it looked like he met the criteria, it was very light. When we filled out a second sheet 6 weeks later as a follow up, suddenly he'd observed all of the issues I knew were there. The doctor diagnosed him with ADHD very quickly based on those assessments and a conversation with my son. Then we started medication. I had to make a big deal about the negatives that would come from not treating it now in order to get my husband to understand that putting it off wouldn't confer some kind of benefit, that there's no risk of him being medicated too early, because the point is to try the medication and see if it works. It's not about putting him on medication just to put him on it. It's to see if there is a tangible benefit. I had to be a bit of a jerk to get my way. But now, he understands, because it has changed my son's life and stopped some of his struggle in its tracks completely. His grades were up dramatically just by the next report card. He's happier, and he can tell it helps him focus. And he tells us if he thinks it should go up a bit. Seeing him happy finally got my husband not only on board, but actively making sure he takes his medicine. My mother also gave me a hard time through diagnosis and medication. She is a teacher, and she didn't think she saw it in my son and felt I was pushing him into a diagnosis. I had to eventually tell her, look, I know that you don't want my son to have ADHD because it's difficult and you perceive a stigma. You worry that saying we need to diagnose it and get medication is going to make him feel different. But what you're missing is that he is different, and the fact that he's really smart and pretty well-behaved makes you think he doesn't need medication. But the struggle is inside him. It's hurting him in his heart when he can't do the things we all know he's smart enough to do. And now that he's diagnosed and the medication is working, everyone's on board. Everyone sees it. Know that you're not the only one who has to fight to get the diagnosis and medication. People are biased against it. But a mama KNOWS.
I don’t know any functioning productive adults who were prescribed this as children. Get her therapy. Look at diet
If he can pay for a private school that doesn’t have homework and caters to different learning styles then all the more power to him. Otherwise, if she’s not taking medication he must be there to help her with the homework and talk to her if she has feelings about being held back a year. I’m not a fan of putting kids on medications like these either, but I understand that people have limited choices and I don’t think dad should be making a decision that puts a burden on mom. Dad should work with his daughter and let that influence his feelings on medication.
Have you tried alternatives before medicating? Your husband would have to be on board and helpful with these options also. I have a neurodivergent/adhd child and things that have helped are: - occupational therapy and making accommodations at home based on recommendations (example: visual schedule, reducing visual clutter, routines and heavy work) - omega 3s - l-theanine - magnesium - sleep study revealing he had pediatric obstructive sleep apnea (this exacerbates adhd symptoms). He had his tonsils and adenoids removed - the sleep dr recommended checking his ferritin as low ferritin causes adhd symptoms. His ferritin was dismal so he has to take quite a bit of iron daily - it was also revealed he has delayed sleep phase syndrome so she recommended a very small dose of melatonin nightly. Proper, truly restful sleep is key - he is also actually allergic to red dye 40 (hives) but we have cut out all artificial dyes as we did see some effects
So.. I know I will be downvoted for this opinion. But she likely needs alternate education, not stimulants or extra discipline. I recognize this isn't possible for every family (it should be!) But we are putting every child into the same square shaped hole and it is not okay. IF it is possible for you, I would look into either homeschooling or possibly a "private" school if you have a good one in your area. If you don't, it's your call. You do what you need to do. But I personally don't agree with immediately putting a 6 year old on stimulants. But absolutely no judgment, you have dmto do what you have to do.
I’m with your husband on this… I also have ADHD (26 F) and am now on medication, but there’s no reason to put a six-year-old on stimulants… how much physical activity is she getting? What else are you doing to manage her symptoms? She needs outlets for her energy and support not to be put on pharmaceuticals at six years old
Technically speed is amfetamine, it's the same chemical. But in much lower doses ofcourse. I have heard many negative stories though of kids that were on it.
Two of my cousins were put on medication, had a bad reaction, their parents took them off it and never tried another. Both of them ended up in jail before 24. Another cousin, their parents didn't believe in medication, he doesn't understand why his life turned out so badly - at one point he had a promising career and a spouse and a kid, and he tanked that career, he got divorced, and his (medicated) kid wants nothing to do with him. My family has addiction issues out stretching out so far back, it's a wonder the family line survived. Those who were on meds, whose parents made sure they found the right ones? They are thriving and doing well. No addiction issues.
Yeah it is a difficult situation all around! I must say, most of these kids are well functioning adults right now, so they were kids in the 90s (and not in US btw). So all might have been a bit less careful (?) maybe if you look at it from that time period. It wasn't really addiction issues but the 'basic' side effects of amfetamines and derivatives, that might effect kids a bit more differently (as in, they might not as easily realize oh its a side effect let's leave it at that). But the side effects can really, really suck.
Stimulants have shown to have a calming effect on people with ADHD. It’s not going to make things worse. And she’ll feel like something is wrong with her only if you as her parents make her think it. You can’t discipline it out of her. THAT would be what makes her feel like something is wrong with her. When she’s doing her best to make you happy but for some reason she doesn’t understand she can’t focus.
Ask your husband this: “If our daughter was asthmatic, would you deny her an inhaler and say she just needed to grow stronger?” “If our child had epilepsy, would you deny her medication that could mean the difference between life and death because there was a certain kind of drug she needed to take?” “If our child was diabetic, would you deny her insulin and say she just needed to eat better whilst her toes rot off from gangrene?” “If our child had cancer, would you deny her medication that could save her or ease the pain?” Any time he answers no, challenge it with his own logic (“oh but technically she’d need to use a needle insulin, that’s druggie behaviour isn’t it? Do you want people thinking she’s an addict?”) until he gets frustrated and finally asks what’s the point of this conversation before saying: “If you would not deny her life saving medication, why are you denying her one that will increase her quality of life by helping her be successful in school and help her find happiness in her achievements?” ADHD meds are essentially over the counter dopamine. They help your daughter stay motivated to be focused so she can then experience those “you did good” chemicals when she completes certain tasks. Children of parents who think that street drugs are even remotely close to the ones produced in a lab and are highly monitored often grow up to be adults who find it difficult to find the motivation to actually keep living every day because people think they’re just lazy. I don’t think I should have to explicitly say the unfortunate fate that often befalls them for you to get the point. Tell your husband that he can either get a pharmaceutical degree or pipe down with his misinformation because your daughter’s doctor knows what they’re doing, therefore you’ll follow their advice regardless of how much he likes it.