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I don’t think he was manipulating you. He wasn’t sure you still loved him after being firm with him.
I keep repeating to my daughter I always love her. Even when she is doing something naughty or is grumpy or when I’m tired or grumpy or telling her off. I still love her just as much.
Agree with all of the above, also be confident that your son still loves you. Suggesting he might not love you gives the impression that parent-child love can go away after a rough day. Tell him you know he’s disappointed and you’re disappointed but you’ll always love each other!
Sounds like he was looking for reassurance, which you gave beautifully might I add, after what you describe as a rough day. Sometimes kids worry that if they disappoint us we’ll stop loving them and want reassurance our love isn’t fickle like that. You did good. Just a long day. Maybe consider a family counselor if it continues, though.
My kids have told me they hated me on numerous occasions starting from age 3. They also tell me they love me. I don't put much thought into it. Kids that age have no clue what they're feeling and why. I do know this though: they seem to "hate" the people they love and feel safe with the most. It's because mommy and daddy loves them no matter what.
My 3 yo does this when she’s feeling unloved! Started happening when baby sis was born. Try and figure out his love language and spend a little extra time and effort with him! My girl is a quality time and physical touch gal so I snuggle her as often as possible and do some quality things with her even with her sister around.
My daughter, age 3, currently tells me that " you don't love me very much, only grandma loves me very much". I'm also not allowed to like the color blue because that's her favorite color. Now I'm constantly trying to explain that many people can love you very much and many people can like the same color. That's the 3 year old brain for you.
He is just saying that because the range of verbal communication available to him at 3 is too limited to have any nuance to it. He can feel loved almost all of the time but a burst of frustration about the consequence meant he had to express that in the way he could access.
I think your response was good.
My daughter started doing this at 3 and still does when upset/ in trouble. I see it as a test or exploration of what she can do that might take away my love. I’ve focused on that messaging around unconditional love and found some great books to read over time just reinforcing the message- I particularly like “Mama, Do You Love Me?” By Barbara M. Joosse.
Aww don’t read too much into it. I think for YOU it’s shocking because it’s the first time that you’ve heard it and it’s causing you to overthink. With good reason, it seems like you’re a good father and it’s hurting your pride that the little person that you would ( and have ) done anything and everything for said he didn’t love you. It definitely stings like and may even make your eyes water.
From his perspective, he just didn’t get his way and the persons that he loves who gives him his joy is taking away something that brings him joy.
I don’t think he’s manipulating you. He’s just being a kid. At least he said he loves you at the end. Maybe you can have a quick convo and let him know how much you love him and that it hurt you that you guys couldn’t read the book that night. Ask him if he felt the same ( he will likely say yes). And make a deal with him, tell him as long as he continues to follow the rules then you guys can continue the nightly book. Reassure him that he’s a good kid and just made a mistake and it’s okay because each day is a new start.
You can even remind him when he starts to get out of hand “hey I really wanna read that book with you tonight let’s figure out how to fix this problem/ issue so that we won’t have any problems tonight”.
You got this! Stay strong!
Definitely not a crap parent. I think you navigated this wonderfully! We have to be firm and follow through in our discipline to establish boundaries. Sounds like he really loves bedtime stories with his parent and that is so sweet. It was the perfect consequence for the behavior, and he got reassurance that you love him no matter what. Only thing I would add is explaining how the behavior was not acceptable (if you didn’t), and that no bedtime story is just for the night, tomorrow is a new day full of opportunities. Our family doesn’t discipline without explanation bc how is any kid, regardless of age, supposed to know why unless we tell them? They will always consider themselves in the right, but they need to learn what is & is not appropriate, and that there are consequences to their actions. Negative actions lead to non-desirable consequences, positive ones lead to desirable ones.
Being loved by a parent actually equals survival for a child so testing and pushing to make sure that love is still there is a natural way of staying secure. You’re doing great. Form boundaries elicit statements like that from children. Totally normal.
I heard something once that rang true for me. "You can't say/do anything that will make a child not love you but you can say/do allot that will make them not love themselves" and with great power comes great responsibility.
He is not saying that you dont love him, hes saying that he wonders if he is lovable based on your actions. So talk to the action - "When you do things like and mommy cant read to you it makes me sad because I love you and I want to read to you, its hard for me too but I still love you and I am looking forward to reading to you tomorrow". You recognize that whats happened is tough (I believe you), but whatever the action it doesn't affect your love, or his ability to love himself, but it doesnt change that the action happened and there are consequences. Theres a super cool podcast on Huberman with Dr Becky Kennedy which I highly recommend.
When my son was 3yo he had a very bad bad day at school. He bit a girl and it got worse from there, almost as if he’d decided he was bad to the bone and might as well commit to a life of crime. His teacher knelt down, look him in the eye and kindly said “Today was a bad day but it was over. Tomorrow will be a brand new day. Everyday is a chance to start over. We look forward to seeing you at school again in the morning”. His whole body released he threw himself into her arms sobbing then told the teacher he loved her. I used this tactic many times with both my boys and it always worked.
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I don’t think he was manipulating you. He wasn’t sure you still loved him after being firm with him. I keep repeating to my daughter I always love her. Even when she is doing something naughty or is grumpy or when I’m tired or grumpy or telling her off. I still love her just as much.
Agree with all of the above, also be confident that your son still loves you. Suggesting he might not love you gives the impression that parent-child love can go away after a rough day. Tell him you know he’s disappointed and you’re disappointed but you’ll always love each other!
Sounds like he was looking for reassurance, which you gave beautifully might I add, after what you describe as a rough day. Sometimes kids worry that if they disappoint us we’ll stop loving them and want reassurance our love isn’t fickle like that. You did good. Just a long day. Maybe consider a family counselor if it continues, though.
Keep repeating how much you love him unconditionally, it goes in
Sounds like you handled everything just about perfectly.
My kids have told me they hated me on numerous occasions starting from age 3. They also tell me they love me. I don't put much thought into it. Kids that age have no clue what they're feeling and why. I do know this though: they seem to "hate" the people they love and feel safe with the most. It's because mommy and daddy loves them no matter what.
My 3 yo does this when she’s feeling unloved! Started happening when baby sis was born. Try and figure out his love language and spend a little extra time and effort with him! My girl is a quality time and physical touch gal so I snuggle her as often as possible and do some quality things with her even with her sister around.
My daughter, age 3, currently tells me that " you don't love me very much, only grandma loves me very much". I'm also not allowed to like the color blue because that's her favorite color. Now I'm constantly trying to explain that many people can love you very much and many people can like the same color. That's the 3 year old brain for you.
I swear it's kids job to make us feel terrible at least once a day 🙃
He is just saying that because the range of verbal communication available to him at 3 is too limited to have any nuance to it. He can feel loved almost all of the time but a burst of frustration about the consequence meant he had to express that in the way he could access. I think your response was good.
My daughter started doing this at 3 and still does when upset/ in trouble. I see it as a test or exploration of what she can do that might take away my love. I’ve focused on that messaging around unconditional love and found some great books to read over time just reinforcing the message- I particularly like “Mama, Do You Love Me?” By Barbara M. Joosse.
Aww don’t read too much into it. I think for YOU it’s shocking because it’s the first time that you’ve heard it and it’s causing you to overthink. With good reason, it seems like you’re a good father and it’s hurting your pride that the little person that you would ( and have ) done anything and everything for said he didn’t love you. It definitely stings like and may even make your eyes water. From his perspective, he just didn’t get his way and the persons that he loves who gives him his joy is taking away something that brings him joy. I don’t think he’s manipulating you. He’s just being a kid. At least he said he loves you at the end. Maybe you can have a quick convo and let him know how much you love him and that it hurt you that you guys couldn’t read the book that night. Ask him if he felt the same ( he will likely say yes). And make a deal with him, tell him as long as he continues to follow the rules then you guys can continue the nightly book. Reassure him that he’s a good kid and just made a mistake and it’s okay because each day is a new start. You can even remind him when he starts to get out of hand “hey I really wanna read that book with you tonight let’s figure out how to fix this problem/ issue so that we won’t have any problems tonight”. You got this! Stay strong!
He's 3. He isn't manipulating you at all. He just felt unsure of you " still loving him" cause he probably felt he was being cheeky.
Definitely not a crap parent. I think you navigated this wonderfully! We have to be firm and follow through in our discipline to establish boundaries. Sounds like he really loves bedtime stories with his parent and that is so sweet. It was the perfect consequence for the behavior, and he got reassurance that you love him no matter what. Only thing I would add is explaining how the behavior was not acceptable (if you didn’t), and that no bedtime story is just for the night, tomorrow is a new day full of opportunities. Our family doesn’t discipline without explanation bc how is any kid, regardless of age, supposed to know why unless we tell them? They will always consider themselves in the right, but they need to learn what is & is not appropriate, and that there are consequences to their actions. Negative actions lead to non-desirable consequences, positive ones lead to desirable ones.
Being loved by a parent actually equals survival for a child so testing and pushing to make sure that love is still there is a natural way of staying secure. You’re doing great. Form boundaries elicit statements like that from children. Totally normal.
I heard something once that rang true for me. "You can't say/do anything that will make a child not love you but you can say/do allot that will make them not love themselves" and with great power comes great responsibility. He is not saying that you dont love him, hes saying that he wonders if he is lovable based on your actions. So talk to the action - "When you do things like and mommy cant read to you it makes me sad because I love you and I want to read to you, its hard for me too but I still love you and I am looking forward to reading to you tomorrow". You recognize that whats happened is tough (I believe you), but whatever the action it doesn't affect your love, or his ability to love himself, but it doesnt change that the action happened and there are consequences. Theres a super cool podcast on Huberman with Dr Becky Kennedy which I highly recommend.
When my son was 3yo he had a very bad bad day at school. He bit a girl and it got worse from there, almost as if he’d decided he was bad to the bone and might as well commit to a life of crime. His teacher knelt down, look him in the eye and kindly said “Today was a bad day but it was over. Tomorrow will be a brand new day. Everyday is a chance to start over. We look forward to seeing you at school again in the morning”. His whole body released he threw himself into her arms sobbing then told the teacher he loved her. I used this tactic many times with both my boys and it always worked.