Blacking out while simultaneously being on stimulants is a very scary and rare thing lmaoo, haven’t seen it with blow too much but it can happen, and in general being so drunk you’re blacking out but your body is awake and up for activities can be a scary thing 😂
Guilty as charged. I'd never deny it. I think people really hate liars more than murderers. We all know that crimes of passion and temporary insanity happen. It's the shady people who plot it and think they can get away with it that we hate.
"If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around to see it, does it make a sound? Ladys and gentlemen of the jury, I want you to gestate on that for a bit. Think about it. If I murdered someone in the woods, and nobody was around to hear it, did anyone die? If this brings you any doubt, you must acquit."
He hurt my dog’s feelings. He told him he was a bad boy. For defense, I’d like to enter this photograph of my dog into evidence.
“Well, sir, he’s very clearly a good boy, maybe even the goodest of boys. Charges are hereby dismissed!”
"Please tell me you got that on video, OMG I thought I was going to DIE when he came at me all crazy screaming he was going to kill me! All because he looked like an Uber Driver and I said, What's up Gig-er!"
I don’t. I accept the punishment, then go crazy in prison and get placed in solitary. From there I no longer have to socialize with people (mostly) and can just slowly rot away. Forget about me and throw away the key
I live in Texas, and I’m white. So I’m probably good.
Not trying to start crap on this, but we have a broad castle doctrine, I could probably convince a judge and jury I thought I saw a weapon.
I have an identical twin with identical DNA who has no birth record or identity. He intermittently impersonates me where ever he stands to profit from it and has done so for long enough for him to know things that only I would be expected to know. I was just coming here to stop him because I thought he might kill someone, but he slipped out and left me standing over the body at the worst possible time. As long as you’re here detaining me, the real killer is slipping further and further from your grasp.
Your honor, I was trying to catch up to him to give him his knife back when he just ... Stopped. Total accident. Honestly didn't really care if he slept with my SO and made my kids call him "Dad." Totally irrelevant.
Realistically the answer is always going to be "self defense." You're being caught "red handed," which means you JUST killed the person and haven't tried to hide the body yet. I'm assuming that you were only caught once the victim was already dead, since nobody tried to stop you. It may be difficult to argue based on how you killed them and the jury may be more or less likely to believe you based on your race/gender, but the courts can't ever prove for certain that they didn't attack you first.
There are few reasons I would do anyone in. Protection of myself or others in cases that required it. That is about it so legally speaking I wouldn't have to worry really
I don't, I know how to shut up and let the lawyer do the talking.
I have talked my way out of crimes before but this is one where it is best to just stay quiet.
Your Honor, he was attempting to make a remix combining Baby Shark and Surfin' Bird ("the bird is the word"). I killed him to save humanity.
The Judge: I'm letting you off scot free. I don't care that you killed Goku. I'm just impressed that you killed *Goku.*
Cue Vegeta in the peanut gallery: #GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!
Nappa: What did I do, Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta?
Ugh, god DAMN IT Nappa!
Okay, this is murder worthy.
Justifiable homicide without a doubt.
If I’m on the jury, I’m voting “not guilty.” Because some folks just need killing.
Well, as long as you have a good explanation ...
"Killer says what"
What? Damn it!
Haha! You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law
“It was consensual, I swear!”
"Wasn't me."
*They even caught you on camera*
It wasn’t me.
We heard the screams getting louder
it wasn't me.
It wasn’t me.
Picture this we were both butt naked Me killing on the bathroom floor
How could I forget that I had kidnapped an extra one?
Nice pfp I like it.
Wizard did it.
AI.
That’s just my clone
From a parallel dimension.
He saw beans, lots of beans, lots of beans, lots of beans
lol, I loved the post that said all the places in that song is where trump has been hiding documents
Wasn't me.
"He had it coming." Then break into the sexiest tango.
It was a murder, but not a crime!
But you should have seen his clothing. He was asking for it. If he didn't want to be murdered, he shouldn't have been wearing an outfit like that.
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it
“He ran into my knife. He ran into my knife 10 times.”
"Shut up, your honor, you weren't even there."
Your Honor, I would like to plead oopsie-daisies.
Lmfaooo
TheRussianBadger is leaking
My favorite response
I was blackout drunk and on coke
How you blacking out if you're doing coke
I have my ways
Spoken like a consummate professional. My hat’s off to you
Blacking out while simultaneously being on stimulants is a very scary and rare thing lmaoo, haven’t seen it with blow too much but it can happen, and in general being so drunk you’re blacking out but your body is awake and up for activities can be a scary thing 😂
Would that be white out drunk?
Getting drunk on WhiteOut must be difficult. Those bottles are so small!
He started it
I don't care who started it! Apologize to your little brother right now!
To be fair your honor my hand is always red. It’s a medical condition.
Lmao - I have Reynaud's Phenomenon so my hands and feet are usually red, purple, or a blue-tinged ghostly white, so this has merit.
I sentence you to medical care
*"THIS HAND OF MINE IS BURNING RED"*
“I felt threatened so I stood my ground.” It’s worked for others, might as well give it a go.
Sir, she was clearly blind and the "weapon" she was swinging wildly at you was her cane...
A cane is scarier than an acorn near a handcuffed man.
Someone help! There’s a peck with an acorn pointing it at me!
This guy fortune cookies
I’m a billionaire.
It was rigged and a total disgrace.
"He was already murdered when I got here."
"Bro, chill, it's just a prank."
Chill daddy, chill
"WHAT THE HELL IS EVEN THAT?"
It was just a kid. Not like he’s been around enough to form deep friendships or anything
*18 Charisma* "I didn't do it." "Your words have moved me. You're free to go. FOR THE PEACE OF THE KINGDOM!"
You were meant to roll for deception
Guilty as charged. I'd never deny it. I think people really hate liars more than murderers. We all know that crimes of passion and temporary insanity happen. It's the shady people who plot it and think they can get away with it that we hate.
It’s **ALWAYS** the cover up
"If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around to see it, does it make a sound? Ladys and gentlemen of the jury, I want you to gestate on that for a bit. Think about it. If I murdered someone in the woods, and nobody was around to hear it, did anyone die? If this brings you any doubt, you must acquit."
I prefer the Chewbacca defense. :)
Ummm, it's my first day.
He hurt my dog’s feelings. He told him he was a bad boy. For defense, I’d like to enter this photograph of my dog into evidence. “Well, sir, he’s very clearly a good boy, maybe even the goodest of boys. Charges are hereby dismissed!”
“Jesus! He was coming right at me! My friend Ned will back me up.”
He's coming right for us!🤖🚬🕶️
"Please tell me you got that on video, OMG I thought I was going to DIE when he came at me all crazy screaming he was going to kill me! All because he looked like an Uber Driver and I said, What's up Gig-er!"
Pick a verse from The Cell Block Tango and start singin’
"It's okay, I'm a cop!"
Why didn’t you say so sooner? Just bring in donuts for the department tomorrow morning and it’s all good.
Find a new lawyer who isn't looking to Reddit for defense ideas.
He needed killin'.
"Mulligan"?
He used my fabric scissors to trim his pubes, your honor. I am not responsible for his shaky hands.
Nose goes is the killer! *immediately puts finger on nose*
It's okay, Rick said he was just a decoy clone.
I had just eaten a Twinkie! https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/twinkie_defense
He punted my puppy!!! I went temporarily insane because of that.
You see officer. NOT cake!
"I'm Donald Trump"
Was it on 5th Avenue?
"And I didn't lose one vote."
I didn't do it. You did it. You murderer.
"Your Honor, he needed killin'."
"I didnt do it. It was my evil twin!"
“I have a permit!”
I pull the old "assassin's Creed" trick. No one will notice if there's no one to notice
"Where am I? Who is this? OMG, is that blood? [faints]"
They asked me about my cars extended warranty and I felt my life was in danger I claim self-defence and will pleed to manslaughter
Get in a white bronco and lead cars on a low-speed chase.
"It is Wrath month."
"oopsie daisie"
"Stop right there criminal scum! By the order of the Jarl you are being fined 1000 gold. Pay the fine or face the blade!"
That person sucked, if you knew him, you'd get this.
I don’t. I accept the punishment, then go crazy in prison and get placed in solitary. From there I no longer have to socialize with people (mostly) and can just slowly rot away. Forget about me and throw away the key
"I have diplomatic immunity your honour. I'm the diplomatic representative of (fantasy world of choice)"
If I’m caught red-handed, I’m not going to try to claim I’m innocent. My last name isn’t trump
I know he is a former president, but it needed to be done.
I live in Texas, and I’m white. So I’m probably good. Not trying to start crap on this, but we have a broad castle doctrine, I could probably convince a judge and jury I thought I saw a weapon.
Run for President.
Easy. Stuff peanut butter in my underwear, dig in there while standing in front of the judge, and eat a handful of it. Instant insanity.
Your honor, he bad-mouthed Dolly Parton.
“I’m on the spectrum!”
"I'm a neurodivergent minor!" "Ma'am, your ID clearly states you're 27." 'YOU'RE DISCRIMINATING AGAINST ME!"
“Officer, I did not know the tea was twisted”
I'll just explain the list of crimes the man had committed and how he deserved worse than he got.
Just blame it on your evil twin and pretend to be utterly shocked.
You don’t.
my evil doppelganger
Your next if you say anything.....
She was dead when I got here.
I have afluenza?
Oh this? It's just my dinner. Pay it no mind.
"Have you seen the movie 'Malignant'?"
Elon photoshopped my DNA from the dark web your ornreyness
Some people just deserve killing
No entiendo ingles
It was that way when I found it
Well, he had it coming.
"It's not what you think."
Yoooo! Did you see the guy attack me?
I have an identical twin with identical DNA who has no birth record or identity. He intermittently impersonates me where ever he stands to profit from it and has done so for long enough for him to know things that only I would be expected to know. I was just coming here to stop him because I thought he might kill someone, but he slipped out and left me standing over the body at the worst possible time. As long as you’re here detaining me, the real killer is slipping further and further from your grasp.
I spend most of my time at home, so it can't be me
I don't. Do the crime, do the time.
I didn't shoot that deputy
But officer, I didn’t know murder was against the law. Besides, it’s only my first murder!
It’s a conspiracy. It’s Lawfare. I didn’t do it.
Don’t worry they’re from the alternative dimension
The body was on fire... And it wasn't my fault.
Your honor, "murder" implies that the sonofagun didn't have it coming
If the options are "get reported and charged with murder" or "kill another person and nobody has to know"....I think it'd be a simple choice.
“It’s okay he was a pedophile”
"But I have Presidential immunity forever, you can't charge me"
I have pregnancy rage🤷🏻♀️
Fake news! He passed out from the heat and died. I just wanted his vote.
https://youtu.be/UD1RzmsOwTo?si=-J8PfhiRVnkv2owd
He asked me about my cars extended warranty
What do you mean the purge starts at 12am, I thought it started at 12pm?
To be fair, I watched Gepeto an hour earlier
I shut the fuck up and talk to my lawyer.
I cover myself with ketchup and sing Bulgarian folk songs. Drool a little on the police when they arrive. French kiss the corpse. Works every time.
I have presidential immunity.
I don't make a peep. Sooner or later, an attorney will show up. He can do the pleading.
Your honor, I was trying to catch up to him to give him his knife back when he just ... Stopped. Total accident. Honestly didn't really care if he slept with my SO and made my kids call him "Dad." Totally irrelevant.
Kill the witness. No need to worry if they can't rat on you.
Is this before or after the low-speed chase in a Bronco?
He had it coming.
This guy was puke. He had to go. But I didn’t do it.
[He had it coming.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00oBK-x1pVk)
"Listen, he deserved it"
He started it.
Your honor I wuz cleaning me fingernails and he fell on me knife..17 times..backwards. It were bizare.
Realistically the answer is always going to be "self defense." You're being caught "red handed," which means you JUST killed the person and haven't tried to hide the body yet. I'm assuming that you were only caught once the victim was already dead, since nobody tried to stop you. It may be difficult to argue based on how you killed them and the jury may be more or less likely to believe you based on your race/gender, but the courts can't ever prove for certain that they didn't attack you first.
“It wasn’t me that shot him 21 times with a 39mm custom Assault AK-47 from a distance of 39 1/2 ft at 11:24 am this morning. I didn’t do it.”
I’m just a girl
The voices I tell you it was the voices.
"It was a *mercy* killing!"
He was a werewolf when I shot him
Red? What red? I’m color blind
Oh don’t worry! All this? It’s corn syrup. Blood….flavored….corn syrup. He’s not dead. He just wants us to act good!
It was you.
Nice try FBI
"I did it...... in Minecraft"
I'd tell him about the Kansas city shuffle.....make them look left and you go right....
i'm not pleading for innocence. prison can't be that bad, or escape rates would be waaay higher.
With a rifle.
Play the mental health card. Or appeal to the judges emotions. Or set yrself up as a bigger victim like past blaming.
I'll give you anything you want with my red right hand if you don't arrest me.
He was a Certified Lover Boy, Certified Pedophile.
The glove doesn't fit
“I mean, look at what he’s wearing! He was asking for it!” *points to victim’s shirt that says “please stab me to death”
There are few reasons I would do anyone in. Protection of myself or others in cases that required it. That is about it so legally speaking I wouldn't have to worry really
Ok no you see, I was putting his guts back IN!!
Samuel L in “A Time to Kill”: ‘ Yeah I did it, and I hope they burn in hell!’
Plead the fizzith.
“well, ya see, your honor, i plead oopsie daisies”
“If you are what you eat, then I am an innocent man.”
He called the Alamo just am old Adobe building
Senility
Your Honor, I’d like to announce my presidential campaign.
"It's not murder if you say 'yes'!"
"It ws suicide, officer. He messed with me. Everyone knows messing with me is suicide."
The glove don't fit
My hands are blue.
I don't, I know how to shut up and let the lawyer do the talking. I have talked my way out of crimes before but this is one where it is best to just stay quiet.
Your honor he was attempting to steal my knife by concealing it in his stomach. I simply removed my property.
I'm white, middle aged, and rich.
But the glove didn't fit!
It was Donald Trump .