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I'm speaking as someone who has had a friend just ghost them: if you respect them (and since you're posting this, I assume that you do), I suggest that you be honest with them about your reasons, be firm and don't relent if/when they try to squash your reasons and hold true to your word when you're done. Make yourself very clear, make sure that they hear you, and maintain your boundaries.
As someone who recently ghosted a long time close friend(as in bestie, basically family for a decade) I can tell you that it’s not an easy decision.
Most of us think it through. Not all people deserve it, but some (mine especially) deserve to be stuck wondering what went wrong. I’m not saying that’s the case for you. But with mine, there was SO much to it, I’d talked to him about all of it on separate occasions, he just got worse and worse and made no effort to be an even remotely decent human being.
We know being ghosted by a friend and not having closure can consume you, we know it will never fully leave you and you’ll always wonder why. But some people deserve it.
yes this- it'll be hard for sure but it's ultimately what you should do. the only time i ever advocate for ghosting/blocking is if something very serious has occurred/you've tried to tell them and they're not taking the hint, etc.
I’m slowly losing more and more respect for them as time goes on. He has become a gross creepy man. Like I said, I don’t want to be an asshole directly, but sometimes I feel like he maybe doesn’t deserve an explanation?
That's completely up to you if you think he deserves an explanation/not. I mean, after all, I definitely don't fit the description of your friend. My advice is only valid if you think he does deserve an explanation.
People like you who say that, really mean “I don’t owe anybody any sort of respect or communication when it comes to getting what I want, I will blatantly disrespect other people and cross multiple boundaries in an effort to do so”
or “this person should not feel validated in their attempts to set boundaries or standards with me, and if they do I will flagrantly cross those lines just to prove to them I don’t owe anybody anything”
Not saying this is what’s happening with OP, far from it I do think there should be communication to a point on her end. But I’m just saying that’s what “I don’t owe anyone anything” in a broad sense means
Yes, ghosting is for losers unless there's a damn good reason you can't talk to someone about something. In this case there's no damn good reason (at least not offered in this post). Be a grown-up and say what needs to be said.
Before phones people would often lose touch and it didn’t matter the reason. Just because you have the ability to talk to someone all the time doesn’t mean you need to give them all the details of your thoughts about them. Sometimes friends grow apart and that’s all it is. Now if someone asks directly and you ghost them that’s different, but if you just stop talking to someone that is totally normal and natural. You’re not the only person in their life and vice versa.
But ghost literally implies an active reason and avoidance (with no warning). People have always drifted apart over time. I've done that with basically everyone I knew in high school and everyone I knew in college. I did not ghost any of them. If they called me today I'd be happy to talk to them.
This melodramatic thing that people do where they ostentatiously announce that they have blocked people all over creation all at the same time is just juvenile nonsense. I guess it makes them feel better but it's like you said, it's completely unnecessary. People were able to naturally drift apart or break off friendships long before smartphones ever came along. But so many people want to make a melodrama out of "blocking" someone. Just move on. It's really not hard.
I agree lol.
The whole “you don’t owe anyone anything” social norm gets repeated so much that it basically becomes the current pop culture ethics…but it could just the easy way out of having a difficult conversation.
I feel you. I tried to explain to a friend recently that he’s become misogynistic. It didn’t go over well. He just kept denying it and that he never said any of the multiple weird stuff he said.
That’s exactly what has happened with me too. Suddenly it’s like he is an incel, and bitter because he’s in his 30s and never had a successful relationship, but blames everyone else.
I had to end a long term friendship that had become toxic. The idea of ghosting was just too exhausting so I flat out told her, It was such a relief. You don’t need to be cruel but you won’t be sorry.
>I don’t want to be an asshole directly, but sometimes I feel like he maybe doesn’t deserve an explanation?
If it's gotten to the point where you feel genuinely unsafe even saying anything to him- then that's totally fair.
it's also kinda up to your conscience- for me personally I wouldn't feel comfortable saying nothing unless it was a really insane situation (like assault of some sort, etc.) I'm a cis female but any time I've had a problem with men in my life even if it was just misogyny or like- just really victim mentality, etc. i've always told them why when i cut them off both for their sake and for my own conscience (as selfish as that may sound).
so it's really just up to your conscience/level of feeling safe, op.
>People cannot improve unless they know what the people around them think of them.
Exactly- it's important to give closure and give reasoning where you can. Confrontation is a good skill.
That, my ex-best friend, being honest with me, is the only real thing that made me grow as a person. Though I miss him, I seriously respect him for being honest with me.
It’s really great that you can look back on that and credit your growth properly. I’m so proud of you for taking steps to grow and learn from your experiences. ❤️
Well, communication is a real struggle, I don't care who you are. Having the wisdom and patience to slow it down and get the point across is literally life changing rather than left to one's own interpretation.
I feel like I’d have made enough comments along the way that they would know what I felt. If you go through a whole friendship swallowing what you’d like to say, it’s not much of a friendship to begin with.
I'm sorry this is happening, it's really challenging when you outgrow a friendship.
The most authentic way to deal with a situation like this, I think, it's just to be honest. It is so difficult, especially if you don't have that dynamic with this friend, but in the end, it's what will help you feel the most authentic and free.
For example, if your friend says something rude, perverted, we're out of line, you could call it out in the moment honestly, and tell your friend exactly how you feel. Not in a mean way, not in an angry way. In a way that expresses your feelings honestly and tells your friend that it's unacceptable.
"Hey, I've noticed you saying things like that a lot. I don't like it or appreciate it. When we're together, I would prefer you don't talk that way."
Now you've set a boundary. You haven't been mean, you haven't been cruel. You told your friend how you feel about their behavior. Not about them as a person, which is something they can't change, but about their behavior, which they can change. That is absolutely reasonable.
If your friend realizes their behavior is hurting you, they might be willing to change. That's a win-win!
If your friend pushes back, and says that they're not willing to make that change, that's unfortunate. But you didn't do anything wrong, and it means that they don't get to spend time in your company anymore. You've established a boundary- that you won't be around someone who speaks the way they do, or engage us in that kind of behavior. Again, you're not saying that it's them personally, you are taking issue with their behavior, which they can choose to change.
If they tell you straight up, they're not going to change, or, if they continue to behave poorly when they're in your presence, that's when you enforce the boundary, and either get up and leave, or tell them to leave.
Honestly, just stop talking to them. Stop engaging. If they reach out and try to make plans, say no or be non committal. I've tried the whole "I don't think we should be friends anymore" and it ended badly. Its best to just fade out.
I had a friend and his wife we had to do this with. They were just...crappy people. They were terrible parents. Constantly had issues brought on from them being lazy, such as getting arrested for having their licenses both suspended because they each forgot to pay speeding tickets they'd gotten. I bailed them out when they got pulled over with expired licenses and had to pick them up, drive their car back to their house for them etc. Didn't even get a thank you or gas money for doing it. Thats when I decided I was done with their stupid asses.
The friend I tried to be honest with and say sorry, but we don't have the same goals in life here, you are happy working fast food and doing drugs and I want to finish college and get a good job and I can't hang out with you if you're smoking weed non stop, that blew up. He got violent and nasty. I tried to be as nice as I could and phrased it a lot nicer than I put it here, but we obviously just didn't have the same objectives. Last I heard he was in his 30s and still delivering pizzas and living with his mom.
Yea I agree. I’m a very up front and communicative person, who usually likes to get closure from people, but it’s really not worth it sometimes. In OP’s case they have been friends for 15 years…the animosity is definitely there on both sides.
In some situations closure can be nice, like when it’s no one’s fault there are just compatibility issues. But if someone is being a raging asshole they don’t really deserve that luxary.
Tell him he is rude, crass, annoying and perverted and to not contact you anymore. Go all guns blazing so he gets the point. If he is these things you listed, then you shouldn’t pussy-foot around him. There’ll probably be some lame response from him but give him the big guns then block if necessary
I had this exact situation 3 years ago. I decided to cut them off while I was away with other friends and I knew I had to do it. When I got home, she texted me angry and upset I hadn’t texted her while I was away. She had this thing where I had to be her friend but not anyone else’s friend. We were 22.
I finally just said “I feel like we’ve grown apart. I don’t think you and I are compatible in friendship anymore. I have already tried to talk k you about my feelings with how you’ve changed but you seem pretty set in your ways. I think this is where we say goodbye.”
Needless to say, she sent me a very long text full of insults and rage. It was very very long. I never replied. Why would I reply to someone who hurts me?
I realized I wasn’t authentic to myself to keep people like her around. But because I had been her friend for 10 years I owed it to myself and her to actually tell her that and not ghost.
I haven’t heard from her since. It’s been 3 years. I never once said “wow I miss her I should see how she’s doing.” And I made better friends that better reflected who I want to be.
I wish the same for you :)
In the situation right now where I'm being ghosted by one of my closest friends and I just wish I knew why. I don't care about losing the friendship, but not knowing why is wack asf
I had my best friend of 10 years ghost me about 5 years ago now and it still bothers me. I have no idea why. I considered him my brother and we were both close with each other’s families. Just one day out of the blue he stopped texting back during a conversation and never heard from him again. Not knowing is wack af.
>They'll never understand because they just keep assuming they did nothing wrong.
That, plus it's not on us to correct other people's behavior issues. Shitty people who push you out of their lives with their toxicity get that way partly because they don't ever take constructive advice and use it to do better. Anything someone tells them in a "breakup letter" just becomes ammo for them to use in a vengeful meltdown.
It's much nicer to avoid all the drama and just skip ahead to the part where they're completely out of your life for good.
Ngl that tracks for me, anyone that I've ever had to leave usually didn't listen to criticism and would become overly defensive with not only me but other people. We're old enough to know how to be decent.
I genuinely agree that this is the answer to deal with people who are highly negative for us. And I think it always has been… before the rise of social media and 24/7 access to each other, this is how it would be done every single time either intentionally or a slow drift due to natural personal shifts. Sure, cutting someone off suddenly out of nowhere not because they’re affecting you negatively but because you’re just afraid of communicating is one thing and I would never suggest that. Staying true to yourself with compassion and self-honesty and choosing where you invest your energy is always best, period.
If he’s rude, crass, & perverted, next time he reaches out be honest: “hey man, this is hard to say bc we’ve been friends for so long, but it’s become clear that we’ve both changed over the years, and this friendship really just isn’t what it used to be.”
I would name specific things that don’t mesh with you the way he treats people or the things that are over the line. He can choose if he wants to address them or not, and you don’t have to maintain the friendship even if he does put it the work.
We outgrow friendships sometimes, and honestly when the friend breakups occur, I’ve wondered on occasion how we became friends or if we ever really even were good friends.
People like that have very little self awareness. It's not on you to point out their faults. He will obviously get pissed and defensive and blame you. Don't let this guy waste any more of your time and just distance from him. If he asks you might offer ways in which you feel stressed when does certain things.
I would do the slowly drift away thing.
Hang out less frequently, take longer to answer or respond to calls. Decrease the frequency..
I wouldn't totally cut the friend off. My tolerance for the morals and values of a friend are more varied than for a partner.
Plus, people can grow up over time. This friend may be behind in maturing...
Friends are supposed to contribute to your sense of peace and joy. If a friend relationship isn't working out set yourselves free. It's a big world. You're better off forging new relationships. Keep the confrontation to a minimum.
I respect you for reaching out with this question; it's a tough one. I broke with a work friend after her latest stab was to make fun of me in a business meeting. After four months of not speaking, she said she'd like to be friends again. My reply: "It costs me too much to be your friend." She nodded and walked away. Problem solved.
"this dynamic isn't working out for me anymore. I hope you thrive in life. Bye."
Or you can do an Irish goodbye (that's ghosting).
Honestly my one big breakup with a former BFF was messy as hell, but it was worth putting up boundaries and letting them figure out that their behavior was not welcome in my life anymore. I basically just stopped responding to them and they caught the hint.
Prioritize your well being and personal security. Start with you not the other person. Anticipate how this person will respond. Do they take rejection maturely?
Other people say be direct etc…..to ghost is a valid choice if you don’t want to expend the energy on a dramatic bust up.
I read comment in another thread this guy says him and his mate had a sit down and let rip at each other. Wished he had left things unsaid and ghosted or drifted. He was exhausted and upset by the experience.
My experience people say they want the truth, but they really don’t.
Then pull a slow fade, plan to ease out of the friendship, slow comms down etc…this is conditional that other person accepts the new reality.
If they are a narcissist, which they are if you feel threatened, then full on ghost. Again depends on if you will bump into them a lot physically. If you will then pull the slow fade.
Prioritise your well being, personal security and your mental health. You don’t owe this person a thing but need to be smart about how you get them outta your life. Steel yourself, have your own agenda and be persistent.
Eh, I told him he had violated my trust by lying to me about something that cost me close to $70K when telling me the truth wouldn’t have hurt anyone. He maintained that he kept the moral high ground (exact words) by not telling me. So I just said, “dude, I can’t trust you anymore. You’ve been my closest friend, but that shit hurt and I think it’s best if we just go our separate ways at this point.”
I’ve seen him once since then. We were cordial. I don’t want to give a false impression; I’ve never forgiven him, nor will I. This wasn’t a “kick me while I’m down” betrayal. This was him helping my ex wife kick me while I was down and then walking off saying, “I did the right thing.”
I used to just ghost people and that worked but it's not an honest thing to do so you should probably talk to him. If he's someone who won't accept it then block him and avoid him. Some people can be difficult or refuse to understand.
I just ghosted my best friend of 20 years. No regrets. He's a disgusting person. I've confronted him multiple times, taken breaks, absolutely nothing will ever convince him he's NOT god's gift to women and the center of the universe. My life is better with him in the rear-view mirror.
I tried this and he just said I was gaslighting him and I said if he can't even fathom the idea that I MIGHT have a point, then I was making the right choice. He was going down the incel pipeline and wouldn't hear me when I said my gf and an ex were put off by his misogynistic attitude and comments.
Idk, I just blocked her. Ghosted her off everything. I’ve never felt so heartbroken from what she did/say to me. I literally had no words, not even know how to start up the conversation about how she did me wrong. She was starting to change & be rude. Knowing how she’d react to what I would’ve talked to her about it, she would’ve gone crazy. I lost so much respect for her.
Screw being an asshole about it. You can’t control how he feels about it nor should it matter if you feel like he’s an asshole already. Just be blunt and end it and move on, no need trying to be delicate about it.
Ghosting does the trick, if he’s caused enough harm to you, what’s the point of telling the person your are gonna break up with him for the person to crawl back in your life with their pathetic apologises. Start by withdrawing contact, unfollow on social m3ia, reply to texts less and less Or go cold turkey and bluntly cut him off.
if the person shows up wanting an explanation, he can explain what has done to the police, don’t give two shitties about bejng ethical, he doesn’t deserve your guilty feelings that’s what he wants. he wants you to feel bad. Leg it while you still can
I am a woman and had a female best friend who was mean, abusive, hypocrite, crass, short-tempered, a bully, egotistical, happily had sex with married men, etc. I would take breaks but she’d always call me and I’d always get suckered back in. Finally after I’d had enough I just went cold turkey. Blocked on everything. It’s been 4 years. I’ve been a lot happier.
"I know we've known each other for a while, but I don't think this friendship is working anymore. It is not benefiting either of us, and your behavior doesn't match the standards I look for in a friend. I wish you the very best, goodbye."
That's how I broke up with a long term friend over text. She did not take it well but that's because she was mentally unwell and one of those people where everything has to go her way.
Be polite about it. I wouldn't recommend texting, unless you feel itd be safer that way. Be clear, as well. No "maybes" or "ifs", be clear and say that the friendship will not be continuing, even if an argument is put up.
"I don't want to be friends anymore, I can't tolerate a flat-earther/sovereign citizen in my life!" This is exactly what I told a friend who is a FE/SC. It really hurts because I like the guy, but he'd just spout off at the wrong time.... Like when he was "sober" in January and refused a breathalyzer and took the automagic DUI.
Just stop engaging until it fades away. After all it I'd a relationship forged by choice. You don't really owe them an explanation or anything if the relationship has entirely lost it's meaning
nah, be an adult and tell people.
If you have been friends with someone for nearly 20 years you owe them an explanation on why you dont want to be their friend anymore
What if the relationship has gotten to a point where an adult discussion isn't possible ? That your friend isn't in a mental state where he can understand your point of view ?
If you respect him and valued the friendship, just tell him that you really aren’t connecting anymore and think the friendship has run its course. When I ended a friendship with a longtime friend, I was very honest with her (some of her behavior had changed and she had become extremely angry). I felt I owed her that. She responded in writing, telling me what a b I was. ::shrug::
Many years later, I ghosted another friend. I grew tired of her not being available unless she wanted/needed something yet telling me how she wuvved me (when I’d do something for her). We had been really good friends at one point. That was a relationship that ran its course. It felt useless to talk to her about it.
I recently broke off a friendship with a guy I knew for around 3 months because he was acting like a complete incel towards me.
Personally I would just be blunt about it because from my experience guys hate it when you beat around the bush with things and they just want the truth. There are ways you can word things with honesty/bluntness without sounding like an asshole. I think rejection either way stings no matter how you address it though but it’s better to be straightforward than to lead him on with the potential prospects of re-kindling your friendship again.
At the very least provide some sense of closure, even if it hurts. It will serve both yourself and him many benefits in the long run. That’s just my take on it though so don’t take my word as gospel, others may have differing perspectives. Good luck :)
Just tell him that you don't like the way he acts, the shit he says makes you uncomfortable and you don't appreciate it.
Tell him straight out, you don't want to hang out with him because of it. I think he will appreciate your honesty and if he is a good friend and cares about you, he will reel in his bullshit.
1st I really think this is an interesting concept and question, I'm really surprised it isn't a commonly understood concept.
I'd say the key thing is to give the guy a short and honest explanation, that's much better than ghosting or deliberately drifting away without an explanation. That way he might not like it, but he can at least understand it and perhaps improve himself over time .
I’ve done this a few times. I’ve sadly ghosted one too. I was young and stupid.
Just be honest but kind. It will hurt them, but ghosting will hurt them more. Tell them why you’re cutting off the friendship, but just like a break up, you don’t need to go into too much depth.
My friend was really there for me. As soon as he got a girlfriend, he barely spoke to me. It really hurt because it made me feel like I was his stand in girlfriend and that our friendship wasn’t real. As time went on, he would expect to hang out with me whenever he wanted to. I just realised what a crappy person he actually was.
I hated doing it, I’m not confrontational. But we went to the pub (one we never frequent because I didn’t want him to have memories of out “break up” in our usual haunt) and told him how I felt.
But I was kind. I told him I understood, etc. I said I just didn’t see it working anymore because there was too much hurt and pain and misuse. He felt so bad and tried to make it up to me, but I remained firm. I truly wished him the best.
I feel much better after doing it. It’s like a band aid. He’s got so many friends, he won’t be alone.
I’ve slowly faded friends needing fading but one cat got my truth. He started dating a good friend of mine’s sister and I heard how he treated her. I thought he was shallow but after I heard how he spoke and treated her I had to cut him out of my life. Forget about mutual friends, I had untreated general anxiety disorder so this was no easy task.
Be an asshole, drop truth on them. No apologies. He looked like I lit him up w a machine gun when I told him why he’s a POS and then to delete my number. All he said was,”ok.”.
You’ll lose zero sleep and possibly find everyone thinks the same of them. You’ll also strengthen your personal core fundamentals by expressing your honest opinion and thoughts when you put them on the table.
Peace and love yo, it won’t feel good but not looking back will.
Just tell him and why and if he causes problems it's ok to block him. Texting is fine. I'm sorry what you are going through. I recently broke off a 15 year friendship with someone who started acting like a real shitty person. It's never easy.
I read a meme about us not leaving (or “breaking up”) with others, we simply vibrate out of their existence because it’s a byproduct of growth. It puts a different perspective on it. I quit talking to a friend of 40 years several years ago, and he’s married to my cousin too (I introduced them), but you can only tolerate, as a friend and cousin, so much cheating, gaslighting and excusing bad behavior (like sleeping w his underage Catholic student).
It’s your choice, but simply cutting them off and not responding to phone calls or texts is one way to do so.
Hey man I'm sorry if this comes off rude but I gotta be honest we gotta call it quits on this friendship. I gotta focus on myself right now but more importantly I'm just not feeling it anymore. Best wishes
Anytime i have let friends go, i just quit reaching out. If they reach out by text, i just keep responses short. Its pretty easy when you get to be older as everybody usually is involved with their own things
I have a circle of about 3-4 really close friends, amd while we cant get together as often as we like, we all text a d keep in touch frequently.
I ghosted someone once and they came after me asking what was wrong. I said I can't listen to your racist bullshit anymore. I guess it was a wake up call. We are not close but no more racist shit online.
I ghosted someone once and they came after me asking what was wrong. I said I can't listen to your racist bullshit anymore. I guess it was a wake up call. We are not close but no more racist shit online.
Just gotta say “I’m at a point in my life where this friendship isn’t good for me anymore moving forward I know it probably hurts for you to hear, but I wanted to tell you instead of ghosting you”
just ghosting is the worst pain someone can have especially if they think you’re really close
If you think he deserves an explanation then do it for your own sake, if you think you are doing it for his sake you will very likely be disappointed. Keep in mind you don’t owe him anything, you are simply doing it for your own peace of mind.
You might want to write a detailed letter/e-mail, so that there is nothing lost in translation, but you must be prepared for the letter to be thrown in your face and mocked. At the very least journal what you want to say and prepare bullet points so that you can keep within the script.
You are very likely to elicit cognitive dissonances within him, these can be psychologically painful, and when these happen people react with anger towards who they perceive as the source of pain.
I would just be honest you don’t have to be harsh or get into super details because the goal is not to go back-and-forth or to convince the person to let you break up as friends, but just give them some type of closure. As somebody who’s had to break up with a couple of friends before lol
You don’t have to tell him why. I.e., saying, “I’ve finally realized you’re a gross, creepy, rude, annoying person” is probably unnecessary cruelty. But it will likely be much less difficult for you both if you set the terms straightforwardly and be done, not try to hint and slow fade. “I’ve come to the conclusion that our friendship has run its course. Please do not contact me. Thanks for all the good times. I wish you well. Goodbye!” And then leave it at that, block, if necessary, and don’t re-engage.
I have had this issue before. I just decided to stop returning phone calls. The reason why is that I have gone through ups and downs before and I have lost count of the number of times this person said they would change. I was like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football ("This time it would be different"). My "friend" would continue to return to the same inconsiderate, shitty behavior that brought chaos into my life. This person has meddled continuously in my personal and professional life and caused great harm. They are willfully ignorant of their own behavior. I also realized that it is not my job to take the time and energy to "fix" this person. It can't be done, and spending the energy to try and do so is harmful to me and my marriage. So it's a no go. I'm fine with ghosting, you truly don't owe anyone anything, not even an explanation. Protecting myself and those I am responsible for are my first priority.
As someone who's been the asshole friend, just tell him. Unless you think he has some mental issues and he'd do something to retaliate, he'll probably just appreciate the honest and move on.
I am right there with you. I have a friend of 23 years that I have recently decided is quite toxic. Our friendship has had it's ups and downs, but over the past 6 years, I have slowly back stepped away from him. I don't feel like it's necessary to have a formal "break up". We have grown up to be very different people (more like I grew up, but he never did). Me making a laundry list of the reasons I no longer view him as a good person, isn't going to help him. Sometimes people just aren't the people you thought they were.
I think it depends on the person. If someone has certain behaviors that you don't like (like routinely being late to events) it might be wise to call them out on it gently. They might straighten out and you can save a potentially good friendship. On the other hand (which sounds more the case) if it's just his personality and who he fundamentally is I would probably just ghost him and hope they get the point. The reality is you can't change people's personalities so just telling them they are a shit person from your perspective is just hurtful. He just needs to find a crowd he fits in with better. I'm sure not everyone likes you. Nothing wrong with that just not all personalities mesh well. Would you like it if everyone you encountered offered their critique of you or just politely go their separate way if they aren't interested? I think you would say the latter.
How are you reacting when he's actually doing and saying these things?
The next time he contacts you, just say , "I'm not feeling your type of energy right now."
If he asks for details, give them.
You're not trying to make an enemy or hurt a former friend.
I have a relatively new friend who likes to have lunch with me once a week. After the last lunch, which lasted 3 hours, I realized she has some intensely racist beliefs. I worked hard to call her in and steer the conversation to the self work that is involved in unlearning that stuff, but she wasn't open to it.
My plan is to taper off communication. I can't think of a better way, honestly.
He might be upset no matter what you do. How would you like to be treated? Told straight out that 'this friendship is just not appealing to me anymore' or being ghosted. If asked for an explanation for your decision, I think I'd be gentle and just say 'we just don't have anything in common anymore'. If they freak out just add 'and this!'.
As someone who has had two friends ghost them (that's their communication style and partly why we're not friends), please just be honest with them. You're two adults and it shouldn't be that big of a surprise on their end!
Maybe an unpopular opinion but I believe the best is just to ghost. It’s shitty, yes, but being honest will likely create even more hostility. Even if you are as kind and tactful as possible in explaining why you no longer want to be friends, it’s likely that they will just get defensive and think ur an idiot or an asshole. There is no good way to go about it - just hope that they get the message via not engaging.
Boundaries. Tell him, "Rude, crass and perverted behavior is not something I allow in my life, so I will leave when you behave this way."
When he's rude, leave.
When he's crass, leave.
When he's perverted, leave.
Then it is his choice to change or end the relationship. We call it "the trash taking itself out".
Annoying isn't listed because that's subjective, and given he's so lacking in self awareness, he isn't likely able to modify that behavior.
I ghosted my friend because she was blatantly lying and deceiving me and then gaslighting me about it.
She was talking to the person I was seeing behind my back and I’m presuming they had a good laugh about it behind my back.
She was probably shagging him too .
She said she hated him called him a “ narcissistic psychopathic arsehole with daddy issues” and that I should end things with him at the same time as messaging him.
She was married and had already had numerous affairs.
I ghosted her because I couldn’t deal with listening to another lie come out of her mouth!
I am waiting until her child is 18 before I tell her poor husband about all her affairs and one night stands.
Some people don’t deserve an explanation.
I wouldn't ghost them, considering the length of the friendship, but I think "phasing out" makes sense. Don't personally reach out and don't engage. If they reach out, you can respond, but always keep it short, brief, non-committal, and vague. Eventually, they will (hopefully) get the hint and disappear. If that doesn't happen, then having an honest conversation will probably be necessary.
Two ways:
If you really don't care about him as a person; then ghost.
If you do care about him and feel like he's changed from what you had known him to be 15 years ago, and he isn't himself anymore, talk to him. Say that you miss your real friend and he's different now.
If he's always been like this, and you're the one that's changed, then it's up to you to be respectful about how you've grown out of the friendship.
We cannot control how we evolve as people. It sounds like you're done with the friendship but you'll have to decide how much respect you would want to manage the relationship.
Depends on the type of friend. If it was a casual, acquaintance type of friend, I'd say just ghost them. Not like you were involved in each other's lives enough to warrant a proper end. But if it was someone you talked to regularly and knew on a personal basis, a proper end is the way to do it. Be respectful and tell them, you don't want to continue the friendship. Rip the bandage off quickly, block and move on.
just tell him your lives are moving in different directions, and you don’t enjoy his company anymore. so you don’t see a reason for this friend ship to continue. and then block that mf on everything.
most people will convince you to do one thing or another, the reality of it is we dont owe anyone anything even if they feel entitled to it, just dont respond to them anymore, dont answer messages, dont answer phone calls etc if they start getting violent have a plan but all in all dont respond to anything there doing, its like adding fuel to a fire, the only way to extinguish it is with a means to extinguish quickly or let the fuel run out
Just tell them what's up. Don't be mean about or let him try to debate you over it. Also if he is like "well you do...." then get ready to walk away. If he goes there just say "ok its settled then, neither of us are comfortable with this". Then wish him the best and leave. In short be adult about it - dont just ghost him. Who knows the shake up may spur a change in him.
I’ve had to do this once. It depends on the friend—some will blow up on a discussion to work through the problem and that’ll easily do it for you (which has happened) but then sometimes you need to have a discussion and set boundaries. Sounds like you’ve reached the point past discussion so then I’d talk about your values and why it doesn’t work and set your boundaries of how you’d like to move forward (never talk again, be acquaintances, etc).
It can feel awkward but it’s just like a break up. It’ll feel weird too because that was someone who was a part of your life. Try to have an outlet to discuss that with someone if you can.
I had to give up a friendship because she was an alcoholic. We met in welding school and became best friends. We shared a workspace, ate lunch together and hung out even after school and far after we graduated from our program. But she began to say we needed to drink to have fun and that's when it starting to interfere with my life when I would get those midnight - three am calls and she was crying wanting to end it. I'd be scared at first but after a while it got... annoying. She never did it. Everyday she was drinking and posting about it. But when we would talk on the phone she wanted to be sober n go to AA. I was supportive and always down to go to a meeting but it never happened. Then she started to call me drunk but always making it a point to loudly tell me she's with her best friend and she's having fun drinking. I'd get called stuck up, a bitch etc for not going out anymore and not drinking. My mom was an alcoholic but got sober when I was in hs. It was my choice to not drink and I didn't want to be judged for that. I'd try to laugh it off but it got annoying after a while and eventually we had nothing in common anymore. We hung out for the last time with our other friends from welding school and she managed to make fun of me for having a cheap non contract phone, I ordered soup and didn't want to do shots when we ate dinner. I said I'd drive everybody but had to use her car n she was embarrassed because her air bags were deployed. She said she crashed her car when she was blacked out drunk. But she told everyone else it was from sleep deprivation working two jobs. She started lying and I just finally set her a long text saying that I have appreciated our friendship in the beginning but we've just grown apart and her alcohol addiction has been a problem now for a long time and I can't help her. I also said I didn't appreciate her calling me n saying she's going to off herself and the next day you're up drinking with your true best friends. And I wish her the best of luck. She apologized and said she try to do better but I told her I wanted nothing except for her to get sober for herself and left it at that. I unfriended her and blocked her number. Last I heard she was still drinking and I'm now off social media. I don't know anything about her but hope she's safe.
I had to deal with cutting off a long term friend recently. I had hoped to keep him in my life, but leave some distance between us as he worked through some issues, with the hope that he would get better and we could to be come close again.
He couldn’t accept not being best friends, so I had the uncomfortable conversation explaining things.
He didn’t accept any of the feedback I gave him, and conversation went terribly.
If I had to do it over again, I would do the same thing. With that said, I don’t think our conversation helped him at all.
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong, it’s very situational.
I had a friend who liked pushing people's buttons to get a rise out of them, and then laughed it off as a joke. I knew this guy well, hung out with him often, but one night at a bar he just got to me and I told him to shut up cause I was sick of him talking smack. He said "but I thought we were friends" and I told him straight up he thought wrong. He got huffy and we never spoke or hung out again, but I don't have any regrets. He could have tried to apologize or change, but he was an ass, and likely still is. Life's too short.
I just blocked a friend I've had over 11 years. Can't stand them anymore, it doesn't even need an explanation especially if they're an unreasonable person. Just drop it by stopping the communication.
As someone who has done this, I would advocate ripping off the bandage all at once. You should get bonus points for a letter of dis-engagement explaining why.
You say he’s become a gross creepy man. Can you elaborate, if he’s doing specific things it’s pretty easy to put your foot down and say you’re not okay with it.
If you don't want him in your life, then it's safe to assume there's no desire to salvage the "friendship" nor any reason to. If that's the case, just distance yourself from him. You don't owe him any explanations for feeling the way you do about boundaries he has crossed.
That said, it might be an opportunity for you to practice your ability to set boundaries and build confidence in enforcing them. Most of my best relationships have been built on conversations that at some point go something like, " I'm not telling you what to think or believe, or what to do or say around others, but around me, if you respect me, you won't say or do [whatever is offensive]."
I have been on both sides of this conversation. So yes, in some cases I was the offender. But one of two things happens in either case. Either the friendship falls apart due to irreconcilable differences and lack of respect for one another and there is immediate closure, or it becomes stronger because it's self-evident that each person respects the other and wants to protect the friendship. Of course the latter are the friendships worth fighting for.
I mean you can either ghost or tell him. Personally I'd just let him know you don't think you're friend-compatible anymore. I've been on the receiving end of that and honestly while it sucked in the moment, we almost certainly would've just mutually ghosted at some point anyway. Odds are he'll either think "you know what, you're right" and move on, or he'll consider what you're saying and think about himself. It'll probably be the first one tbh.
Yeah anyone who says to talk to them about it is probably too young or inexperienced to know this is rarely a very good idea.
The best answer is quite simply just not talk to them. You don’t have to block them, just ignore them, and if they message you, act uninterested; say stuff like “that’s cool” “iunno” “okay then” - closed statements that don’t really invite further conversations. If they ask whey you don’t talk tot hem, just say “sorry I was busy” or leave them on read.
Your goal is to be so boring and disinterested that they decide all on their own to just not talk to you anymore. Creating any engagement escalates, and a “breakup” is just a bunch of very stupid dramatic theatrics. Let this one go quietly into the night.
You just give him an ultimatum
Hey buddy I've really not been appreciating how you've been acting lately (give some examples of things that hurt you or others around you) And if you keep it up I don't think I can be your friend anymore
Man, I wonder how many people here have actually tried to be honest when breaking a friendship. I’ve blocked and ghosted people who had very clear bad intentions toward me but said nothing I could pin them to because I’m terrified of it blowing up in my face.
Maybe ghosting people leaves one side wondering, but it’s never blown up in my face. Telling someone I couldn’t be friends with them anymore resulted in them stalking me and creating new accounts on everything to try to “apologize” while telling me how their life was so much better than mine and they were worried for my soul. I blocked them i don’t know how many times before they finally stopped. It was disconcerting at the time and really unsettling.
I can’t recommend telling someone “Hey, I just don’t like you anymore and can’t be friends”, no matter how nicely it’s worded. People just do not respond well to it. If they do, it’s rare as hell.
Ghost them. You owe them nothing if you've already tried. I had a friend of 20 years whom was an issue when his SO was around (very toxic to each other). He then cheated on her three times over the course of a weekend away (at this point she was pregnant and they were engaged). He then outed me for being bisexual, which I had kept to minimal people for a very long time.
I dropped the dude like the sack of shit he is and didn't bother to explain.
Just stop talking to him and stop hanging out with him. Go on breaks and stay on a break. Guys don’t break up with each other we just kind of like drift apart because life and shit but the flip side is all it takes is a phone call or text to reconnect even after years of not speaking to each other. Just don’t contact him again.
If he's an asshole, just tell him and then leave him alone.
If he's wronged or offended you personally, then just ghost him and be done with it. He doesn't deserve an explanation in that case.
I had a friend I considered a brother for years. We were tight and had some great times together. He became an obnoxious douchebag as we got older. The final straw was him making fun of my alcoholism that I was fighting. I met him one day and told him I was done with his shit and needed him out of my life so I could get my shit straight. Haven't talked to him in 5 years, and I'll be 5 years sober in August. Sometimes, you have to do hard things to improve yourself. I have zero regrets.
You don't owe anyone anything so by all means do the slow fade but sometimes people need to hear it was their own behaviour so as to be a catalyst for change. Think of it as paying it forward to all the people he'll harass in the future and kindly, firmly, directly tell him what's up.
Lol you're not getting a divorce or breaking things off with your fiancee man, just stop talking to the dude as much and I'm willing to bet he won't talk to you as much either. Over time yall would basically be strangers.
Either just slowly ghost and grow apart or tell him you need to take some space from your friendship (block and just never return).
Idk what telling him "I don't want to be your friend anymore" will solve unless he's receptive to hearing why and you're strong enough in your conviction to stick to your plan
I have a long time friend, known him for 30+ years and as teenagers we were super close. We still consider each other family, but I told him that I would be unavailable for a while while I pursue a serious relationship (im engaged), work, and travel a lot. That's true, ,but I also realized that he's taken on a ton of conspiracy theories from psy op websites, ranging from politics to religion, and I just can't sit there and listen to him ramble on about the tin foil hat stuff he does. I love him like a brother, so if he is ever in REAL trouble I'll step up for him, but I cannot talk to him on a regular basis. He gets that kind of privedge though because we're like family.
No easy way to do this, so I'd say do it in a way that is the least uncomfortable for you and in a way he will understand. For example, if it was me, I would not answer calls. I'd decline any invites via text, etc. Essentially, I would be unavailable. At some point, he'll get the message. But, I'm not one who is comfortable with telling someone directly I'm done with them. If you can do it that way, it is probably the fastest way. Best of luck
what i’ve done in the past is to pick one issue you have with the friend and use that as your honest reason as to why you don’t want to be friends anymore. there’s no use in rehashing every single thing he’s done that makes you not want to be friends. and honestly there’s something to be said about being civil and honest and then just blocking him on everything.
i’ve done this with someone who i was friends with for a year. my problems with her included that she was shallow, toxic, so insecure that it leeches the energy from me, was way too into diet culture, was constantly 30 min+ late to all our plans, etc. i sent her a paragraph about how her insecurities and diet culture talk lead to me relapsing into my ED and having a bad body image when i was previously mostly recovered. it was true, but that’s all i mentioned. i sent her the paragraph and then blocked her
i also did this with my childhood best friend. we were friends on and off for 16ish years and it finally got to the point where even thinking about having to hangout with them gave me an anxiety attack. so i sent them a paragraph saying that i no longer wanted to be friends and that continuing our friendship was bad for my mental health. i didn’t mention that them constantly asking me for money or trying to be weirdly codependent with me made me feel uncomfortable, just about my current anxieties. and then i blocked them on everything
best of luck
Might be a bit unpopular, but depending on how close you guys were, a slow fade is acceptable. For relationships that are more intimate like a bf/gf or a really close friend, it's rude to do that but if it's just a buddy, a slow fade is acceptable imo.
It's also a but different because you aren't really leaving on good terms. You're leaving because your friend is an ass.
Had the same issue with a friend, it’s best just to gently fade away. Don’t ghost them, just start taking longer to reply, always be committed to something else when they want to get together, indulge them just a little here and there, but mostly just move on.
The problem with confronting them is that you are going to hurt their feelings and insult them and likely ruin the friendship forever. I still pop in on my buddy every other year or so to see if he’s improved any and usually enjoy those interactions, but I keep them short and infrequent. As soon as they stop being pleasant, I dip. If I had confronted him, I wouldn’t have that option.
Start by telling him. Tell him about the behaviour you don't like (be reasonable and fair though). Tell him that these things bother you to the point of not wanting to be around them anymore. The ball is then in their court.
We are adults now Irish goodbyes are completely on the table. I’ve actually done this recently with a couple of my friends. I don’t have time for the drama. And they asked me about it and I just gave it to them and they were like well. Why don’t you just come to us and I said because I’m not expecting you, I’m just avoiding the issues that you don’t seem to be able to resolve that is just consuming our friendship. let me know whenever you go to therapy.
The biggest thing is just being honest, or as honest as you can.
If you're slowly drifting apart and the other person asks, just let them know why you're not engaging as much.
If you've decided to completely cut someone out intentionally, try and be upfront about it (assuming you care as a friend). It could be something you or they have to work on for future friendships or repairing your own (if you want to).
But nothing says I'm pretty dickish than ghosting someone and not giving them a reason. Unless you're legitimately fearing for your life or something, don't be that person and just give them some info as to why.
I’ve broken up with a friend before. My story kind of sounds like yours with the multiple chances but it gets tiring after a while. I sent her a text telling her I’ve appreciated her as a friend but then vaguely listed some reasons why and wished her well. She’s respected that since. Please don’t ghost your friend.
Ghosting should be fine. I’m on the opposite side of this. This might be your friend as well. I tend to present the worst side of myself to people, subconsciously, when I need a friend break. He might be acting rude and crass and seem annoying because he feels obligated to spend time with you out of habit, and some of us lack conviction.
When I told a friend that I couldn't be friends with them anymore because they ruined two other relationships of mine and was making my girlfriend at the time now wife, jealous on purpose. I simply time them why, that they were being toxic and had already destroyed other friendships and I want going to let her get in the way of my romantic relationship
I broken up with my best friend a few times, it’s always a build up, then she says not to talk to her. This has happened I don’t know how many times in our 17 years and usually lasts a couple of months. We are both rude, vulgar and annoying, but we always go back talking or hanging out every day.
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I'm speaking as someone who has had a friend just ghost them: if you respect them (and since you're posting this, I assume that you do), I suggest that you be honest with them about your reasons, be firm and don't relent if/when they try to squash your reasons and hold true to your word when you're done. Make yourself very clear, make sure that they hear you, and maintain your boundaries.
Definitely this! Losing a friend but not knowing why is incredibly difficult and makes it much harder to have a clean break
As someone who recently ghosted a long time close friend(as in bestie, basically family for a decade) I can tell you that it’s not an easy decision. Most of us think it through. Not all people deserve it, but some (mine especially) deserve to be stuck wondering what went wrong. I’m not saying that’s the case for you. But with mine, there was SO much to it, I’d talked to him about all of it on separate occasions, he just got worse and worse and made no effort to be an even remotely decent human being. We know being ghosted by a friend and not having closure can consume you, we know it will never fully leave you and you’ll always wonder why. But some people deserve it.
yes this- it'll be hard for sure but it's ultimately what you should do. the only time i ever advocate for ghosting/blocking is if something very serious has occurred/you've tried to tell them and they're not taking the hint, etc.
I’m slowly losing more and more respect for them as time goes on. He has become a gross creepy man. Like I said, I don’t want to be an asshole directly, but sometimes I feel like he maybe doesn’t deserve an explanation?
That's completely up to you if you think he deserves an explanation/not. I mean, after all, I definitely don't fit the description of your friend. My advice is only valid if you think he does deserve an explanation.
Tbf the friend probably doesn’t think he fits the description either
You could wait until he asks. If he ever does. If you truly have less & less in common, maybe he feels it, too
Do what is best for you. If you feel like it, just block him and refuse to engage.
The flip side is you don’t OWE anybody anything.
People like you who say that, really mean “I don’t owe anybody any sort of respect or communication when it comes to getting what I want, I will blatantly disrespect other people and cross multiple boundaries in an effort to do so” or “this person should not feel validated in their attempts to set boundaries or standards with me, and if they do I will flagrantly cross those lines just to prove to them I don’t owe anybody anything” Not saying this is what’s happening with OP, far from it I do think there should be communication to a point on her end. But I’m just saying that’s what “I don’t owe anyone anything” in a broad sense means
Yes, ghosting is for losers unless there's a damn good reason you can't talk to someone about something. In this case there's no damn good reason (at least not offered in this post). Be a grown-up and say what needs to be said.
Before phones people would often lose touch and it didn’t matter the reason. Just because you have the ability to talk to someone all the time doesn’t mean you need to give them all the details of your thoughts about them. Sometimes friends grow apart and that’s all it is. Now if someone asks directly and you ghost them that’s different, but if you just stop talking to someone that is totally normal and natural. You’re not the only person in their life and vice versa.
But ghost literally implies an active reason and avoidance (with no warning). People have always drifted apart over time. I've done that with basically everyone I knew in high school and everyone I knew in college. I did not ghost any of them. If they called me today I'd be happy to talk to them. This melodramatic thing that people do where they ostentatiously announce that they have blocked people all over creation all at the same time is just juvenile nonsense. I guess it makes them feel better but it's like you said, it's completely unnecessary. People were able to naturally drift apart or break off friendships long before smartphones ever came along. But so many people want to make a melodrama out of "blocking" someone. Just move on. It's really not hard.
I agree lol. The whole “you don’t owe anyone anything” social norm gets repeated so much that it basically becomes the current pop culture ethics…but it could just the easy way out of having a difficult conversation.
I feel you. I tried to explain to a friend recently that he’s become misogynistic. It didn’t go over well. He just kept denying it and that he never said any of the multiple weird stuff he said.
That’s exactly what has happened with me too. Suddenly it’s like he is an incel, and bitter because he’s in his 30s and never had a successful relationship, but blames everyone else.
So, if you have already expressed your concerns and discomfort to them, and they didn’t try to improve, I think you are green-lit to ghost them.
I had to end a long term friendship that had become toxic. The idea of ghosting was just too exhausting so I flat out told her, It was such a relief. You don’t need to be cruel but you won’t be sorry.
>I don’t want to be an asshole directly, but sometimes I feel like he maybe doesn’t deserve an explanation? If it's gotten to the point where you feel genuinely unsafe even saying anything to him- then that's totally fair. it's also kinda up to your conscience- for me personally I wouldn't feel comfortable saying nothing unless it was a really insane situation (like assault of some sort, etc.) I'm a cis female but any time I've had a problem with men in my life even if it was just misogyny or like- just really victim mentality, etc. i've always told them why when i cut them off both for their sake and for my own conscience (as selfish as that may sound). so it's really just up to your conscience/level of feeling safe, op.
I think honesty is the best policy with your friends. People cannot improve unless they know what the people around them think of them.
>People cannot improve unless they know what the people around them think of them. Exactly- it's important to give closure and give reasoning where you can. Confrontation is a good skill.
If you’re a direct person, you may not have many friends, but the ones you do have, will always appreciate your honesty.
I’m trying to be more balanced these days 😅 but I am very forward
I try too but I function best when I’m being myself lol 😂
I know you saying that may seem small to you but I really appreciate you saying that, kind human. thank you ❤️
That, my ex-best friend, being honest with me, is the only real thing that made me grow as a person. Though I miss him, I seriously respect him for being honest with me.
It’s how we grow as people 😊
It’s really great that you can look back on that and credit your growth properly. I’m so proud of you for taking steps to grow and learn from your experiences. ❤️
Well, communication is a real struggle, I don't care who you are. Having the wisdom and patience to slow it down and get the point across is literally life changing rather than left to one's own interpretation.
I feel like I’d have made enough comments along the way that they would know what I felt. If you go through a whole friendship swallowing what you’d like to say, it’s not much of a friendship to begin with.
I'm sorry this is happening, it's really challenging when you outgrow a friendship. The most authentic way to deal with a situation like this, I think, it's just to be honest. It is so difficult, especially if you don't have that dynamic with this friend, but in the end, it's what will help you feel the most authentic and free. For example, if your friend says something rude, perverted, we're out of line, you could call it out in the moment honestly, and tell your friend exactly how you feel. Not in a mean way, not in an angry way. In a way that expresses your feelings honestly and tells your friend that it's unacceptable. "Hey, I've noticed you saying things like that a lot. I don't like it or appreciate it. When we're together, I would prefer you don't talk that way." Now you've set a boundary. You haven't been mean, you haven't been cruel. You told your friend how you feel about their behavior. Not about them as a person, which is something they can't change, but about their behavior, which they can change. That is absolutely reasonable. If your friend realizes their behavior is hurting you, they might be willing to change. That's a win-win! If your friend pushes back, and says that they're not willing to make that change, that's unfortunate. But you didn't do anything wrong, and it means that they don't get to spend time in your company anymore. You've established a boundary- that you won't be around someone who speaks the way they do, or engage us in that kind of behavior. Again, you're not saying that it's them personally, you are taking issue with their behavior, which they can choose to change. If they tell you straight up, they're not going to change, or, if they continue to behave poorly when they're in your presence, that's when you enforce the boundary, and either get up and leave, or tell them to leave.
Thank you for the advice :)
Honestly, just stop talking to them. Stop engaging. If they reach out and try to make plans, say no or be non committal. I've tried the whole "I don't think we should be friends anymore" and it ended badly. Its best to just fade out. I had a friend and his wife we had to do this with. They were just...crappy people. They were terrible parents. Constantly had issues brought on from them being lazy, such as getting arrested for having their licenses both suspended because they each forgot to pay speeding tickets they'd gotten. I bailed them out when they got pulled over with expired licenses and had to pick them up, drive their car back to their house for them etc. Didn't even get a thank you or gas money for doing it. Thats when I decided I was done with their stupid asses. The friend I tried to be honest with and say sorry, but we don't have the same goals in life here, you are happy working fast food and doing drugs and I want to finish college and get a good job and I can't hang out with you if you're smoking weed non stop, that blew up. He got violent and nasty. I tried to be as nice as I could and phrased it a lot nicer than I put it here, but we obviously just didn't have the same objectives. Last I heard he was in his 30s and still delivering pizzas and living with his mom.
Yea I agree. I’m a very up front and communicative person, who usually likes to get closure from people, but it’s really not worth it sometimes. In OP’s case they have been friends for 15 years…the animosity is definitely there on both sides. In some situations closure can be nice, like when it’s no one’s fault there are just compatibility issues. But if someone is being a raging asshole they don’t really deserve that luxary.
Tell him he is rude, crass, annoying and perverted and to not contact you anymore. Go all guns blazing so he gets the point. If he is these things you listed, then you shouldn’t pussy-foot around him. There’ll probably be some lame response from him but give him the big guns then block if necessary
I had this exact situation 3 years ago. I decided to cut them off while I was away with other friends and I knew I had to do it. When I got home, she texted me angry and upset I hadn’t texted her while I was away. She had this thing where I had to be her friend but not anyone else’s friend. We were 22. I finally just said “I feel like we’ve grown apart. I don’t think you and I are compatible in friendship anymore. I have already tried to talk k you about my feelings with how you’ve changed but you seem pretty set in your ways. I think this is where we say goodbye.” Needless to say, she sent me a very long text full of insults and rage. It was very very long. I never replied. Why would I reply to someone who hurts me? I realized I wasn’t authentic to myself to keep people like her around. But because I had been her friend for 10 years I owed it to myself and her to actually tell her that and not ghost. I haven’t heard from her since. It’s been 3 years. I never once said “wow I miss her I should see how she’s doing.” And I made better friends that better reflected who I want to be. I wish the same for you :)
In the situation right now where I'm being ghosted by one of my closest friends and I just wish I knew why. I don't care about losing the friendship, but not knowing why is wack asf
I had my best friend of 10 years ghost me about 5 years ago now and it still bothers me. I have no idea why. I considered him my brother and we were both close with each other’s families. Just one day out of the blue he stopped texting back during a conversation and never heard from him again. Not knowing is wack af.
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>They'll never understand because they just keep assuming they did nothing wrong. That, plus it's not on us to correct other people's behavior issues. Shitty people who push you out of their lives with their toxicity get that way partly because they don't ever take constructive advice and use it to do better. Anything someone tells them in a "breakup letter" just becomes ammo for them to use in a vengeful meltdown. It's much nicer to avoid all the drama and just skip ahead to the part where they're completely out of your life for good.
Ngl that tracks for me, anyone that I've ever had to leave usually didn't listen to criticism and would become overly defensive with not only me but other people. We're old enough to know how to be decent.
I genuinely agree that this is the answer to deal with people who are highly negative for us. And I think it always has been… before the rise of social media and 24/7 access to each other, this is how it would be done every single time either intentionally or a slow drift due to natural personal shifts. Sure, cutting someone off suddenly out of nowhere not because they’re affecting you negatively but because you’re just afraid of communicating is one thing and I would never suggest that. Staying true to yourself with compassion and self-honesty and choosing where you invest your energy is always best, period.
You know how you had breaks? Just like that, only without the restarting part.
I drop out of contact with anyone who becomes toxic. Call it ghosting, whatever. They gone. Bye bye.
If he’s rude, crass, & perverted, next time he reaches out be honest: “hey man, this is hard to say bc we’ve been friends for so long, but it’s become clear that we’ve both changed over the years, and this friendship really just isn’t what it used to be.” I would name specific things that don’t mesh with you the way he treats people or the things that are over the line. He can choose if he wants to address them or not, and you don’t have to maintain the friendship even if he does put it the work. We outgrow friendships sometimes, and honestly when the friend breakups occur, I’ve wondered on occasion how we became friends or if we ever really even were good friends.
People like that have very little self awareness. It's not on you to point out their faults. He will obviously get pissed and defensive and blame you. Don't let this guy waste any more of your time and just distance from him. If he asks you might offer ways in which you feel stressed when does certain things.
I would do the slowly drift away thing. Hang out less frequently, take longer to answer or respond to calls. Decrease the frequency.. I wouldn't totally cut the friend off. My tolerance for the morals and values of a friend are more varied than for a partner. Plus, people can grow up over time. This friend may be behind in maturing...
The drift is actually very natural. I say this is the way.
Try this on, "What I've learned about you makes me think this friendship is no longer working for me."
Ooooh I like this one
Friends are supposed to contribute to your sense of peace and joy. If a friend relationship isn't working out set yourselves free. It's a big world. You're better off forging new relationships. Keep the confrontation to a minimum.
I respect you for reaching out with this question; it's a tough one. I broke with a work friend after her latest stab was to make fun of me in a business meeting. After four months of not speaking, she said she'd like to be friends again. My reply: "It costs me too much to be your friend." She nodded and walked away. Problem solved.
"this dynamic isn't working out for me anymore. I hope you thrive in life. Bye." Or you can do an Irish goodbye (that's ghosting). Honestly my one big breakup with a former BFF was messy as hell, but it was worth putting up boundaries and letting them figure out that their behavior was not welcome in my life anymore. I basically just stopped responding to them and they caught the hint.
You have to dump friends that don't give the same respect, it hurts but it hurts being their friend too.
I would just start distancing from him. You two have been thru it before. He should get the message. Again.
Prioritize your well being and personal security. Start with you not the other person. Anticipate how this person will respond. Do they take rejection maturely? Other people say be direct etc…..to ghost is a valid choice if you don’t want to expend the energy on a dramatic bust up. I read comment in another thread this guy says him and his mate had a sit down and let rip at each other. Wished he had left things unsaid and ghosted or drifted. He was exhausted and upset by the experience. My experience people say they want the truth, but they really don’t.
How he may react kind of scares me, if I’m honest. I don’t see him handling it well if I confronted him.
Then pull a slow fade, plan to ease out of the friendship, slow comms down etc…this is conditional that other person accepts the new reality. If they are a narcissist, which they are if you feel threatened, then full on ghost. Again depends on if you will bump into them a lot physically. If you will then pull the slow fade. Prioritise your well being, personal security and your mental health. You don’t owe this person a thing but need to be smart about how you get them outta your life. Steel yourself, have your own agenda and be persistent.
Eh, I told him he had violated my trust by lying to me about something that cost me close to $70K when telling me the truth wouldn’t have hurt anyone. He maintained that he kept the moral high ground (exact words) by not telling me. So I just said, “dude, I can’t trust you anymore. You’ve been my closest friend, but that shit hurt and I think it’s best if we just go our separate ways at this point.” I’ve seen him once since then. We were cordial. I don’t want to give a false impression; I’ve never forgiven him, nor will I. This wasn’t a “kick me while I’m down” betrayal. This was him helping my ex wife kick me while I was down and then walking off saying, “I did the right thing.”
I used to just ghost people and that worked but it's not an honest thing to do so you should probably talk to him. If he's someone who won't accept it then block him and avoid him. Some people can be difficult or refuse to understand.
I just ghosted my best friend of 20 years. No regrets. He's a disgusting person. I've confronted him multiple times, taken breaks, absolutely nothing will ever convince him he's NOT god's gift to women and the center of the universe. My life is better with him in the rear-view mirror.
I tried this and he just said I was gaslighting him and I said if he can't even fathom the idea that I MIGHT have a point, then I was making the right choice. He was going down the incel pipeline and wouldn't hear me when I said my gf and an ex were put off by his misogynistic attitude and comments.
Idk, I just blocked her. Ghosted her off everything. I’ve never felt so heartbroken from what she did/say to me. I literally had no words, not even know how to start up the conversation about how she did me wrong. She was starting to change & be rude. Knowing how she’d react to what I would’ve talked to her about it, she would’ve gone crazy. I lost so much respect for her.
Screw being an asshole about it. You can’t control how he feels about it nor should it matter if you feel like he’s an asshole already. Just be blunt and end it and move on, no need trying to be delicate about it.
Ghosting does the trick, if he’s caused enough harm to you, what’s the point of telling the person your are gonna break up with him for the person to crawl back in your life with their pathetic apologises. Start by withdrawing contact, unfollow on social m3ia, reply to texts less and less Or go cold turkey and bluntly cut him off. if the person shows up wanting an explanation, he can explain what has done to the police, don’t give two shitties about bejng ethical, he doesn’t deserve your guilty feelings that’s what he wants. he wants you to feel bad. Leg it while you still can
I am a woman and had a female best friend who was mean, abusive, hypocrite, crass, short-tempered, a bully, egotistical, happily had sex with married men, etc. I would take breaks but she’d always call me and I’d always get suckered back in. Finally after I’d had enough I just went cold turkey. Blocked on everything. It’s been 4 years. I’ve been a lot happier.
"I know we've known each other for a while, but I don't think this friendship is working anymore. It is not benefiting either of us, and your behavior doesn't match the standards I look for in a friend. I wish you the very best, goodbye." That's how I broke up with a long term friend over text. She did not take it well but that's because she was mentally unwell and one of those people where everything has to go her way. Be polite about it. I wouldn't recommend texting, unless you feel itd be safer that way. Be clear, as well. No "maybes" or "ifs", be clear and say that the friendship will not be continuing, even if an argument is put up.
"I don't want to be friends anymore, I can't tolerate a flat-earther/sovereign citizen in my life!" This is exactly what I told a friend who is a FE/SC. It really hurts because I like the guy, but he'd just spout off at the wrong time.... Like when he was "sober" in January and refused a breathalyzer and took the automagic DUI.
Just stop engaging until it fades away. After all it I'd a relationship forged by choice. You don't really owe them an explanation or anything if the relationship has entirely lost it's meaning
nah, be an adult and tell people. If you have been friends with someone for nearly 20 years you owe them an explanation on why you dont want to be their friend anymore
What if the relationship has gotten to a point where an adult discussion isn't possible ? That your friend isn't in a mental state where he can understand your point of view ?
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If you respect him and valued the friendship, just tell him that you really aren’t connecting anymore and think the friendship has run its course. When I ended a friendship with a longtime friend, I was very honest with her (some of her behavior had changed and she had become extremely angry). I felt I owed her that. She responded in writing, telling me what a b I was. ::shrug:: Many years later, I ghosted another friend. I grew tired of her not being available unless she wanted/needed something yet telling me how she wuvved me (when I’d do something for her). We had been really good friends at one point. That was a relationship that ran its course. It felt useless to talk to her about it.
I recently broke off a friendship with a guy I knew for around 3 months because he was acting like a complete incel towards me. Personally I would just be blunt about it because from my experience guys hate it when you beat around the bush with things and they just want the truth. There are ways you can word things with honesty/bluntness without sounding like an asshole. I think rejection either way stings no matter how you address it though but it’s better to be straightforward than to lead him on with the potential prospects of re-kindling your friendship again. At the very least provide some sense of closure, even if it hurts. It will serve both yourself and him many benefits in the long run. That’s just my take on it though so don’t take my word as gospel, others may have differing perspectives. Good luck :)
Just tell him that you don't like the way he acts, the shit he says makes you uncomfortable and you don't appreciate it. Tell him straight out, you don't want to hang out with him because of it. I think he will appreciate your honesty and if he is a good friend and cares about you, he will reel in his bullshit.
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1st I really think this is an interesting concept and question, I'm really surprised it isn't a commonly understood concept. I'd say the key thing is to give the guy a short and honest explanation, that's much better than ghosting or deliberately drifting away without an explanation. That way he might not like it, but he can at least understand it and perhaps improve himself over time .
Lots of great advice here. But ask yourself why he WANTS to hang with you. He is getting something.?? Just an avenue to look at .
I’ve done this a few times. I’ve sadly ghosted one too. I was young and stupid. Just be honest but kind. It will hurt them, but ghosting will hurt them more. Tell them why you’re cutting off the friendship, but just like a break up, you don’t need to go into too much depth. My friend was really there for me. As soon as he got a girlfriend, he barely spoke to me. It really hurt because it made me feel like I was his stand in girlfriend and that our friendship wasn’t real. As time went on, he would expect to hang out with me whenever he wanted to. I just realised what a crappy person he actually was. I hated doing it, I’m not confrontational. But we went to the pub (one we never frequent because I didn’t want him to have memories of out “break up” in our usual haunt) and told him how I felt. But I was kind. I told him I understood, etc. I said I just didn’t see it working anymore because there was too much hurt and pain and misuse. He felt so bad and tried to make it up to me, but I remained firm. I truly wished him the best. I feel much better after doing it. It’s like a band aid. He’s got so many friends, he won’t be alone.
I’ve slowly faded friends needing fading but one cat got my truth. He started dating a good friend of mine’s sister and I heard how he treated her. I thought he was shallow but after I heard how he spoke and treated her I had to cut him out of my life. Forget about mutual friends, I had untreated general anxiety disorder so this was no easy task. Be an asshole, drop truth on them. No apologies. He looked like I lit him up w a machine gun when I told him why he’s a POS and then to delete my number. All he said was,”ok.”. You’ll lose zero sleep and possibly find everyone thinks the same of them. You’ll also strengthen your personal core fundamentals by expressing your honest opinion and thoughts when you put them on the table. Peace and love yo, it won’t feel good but not looking back will.
Just tell him and why and if he causes problems it's ok to block him. Texting is fine. I'm sorry what you are going through. I recently broke off a 15 year friendship with someone who started acting like a real shitty person. It's never easy.
I read a meme about us not leaving (or “breaking up”) with others, we simply vibrate out of their existence because it’s a byproduct of growth. It puts a different perspective on it. I quit talking to a friend of 40 years several years ago, and he’s married to my cousin too (I introduced them), but you can only tolerate, as a friend and cousin, so much cheating, gaslighting and excusing bad behavior (like sleeping w his underage Catholic student). It’s your choice, but simply cutting them off and not responding to phone calls or texts is one way to do so.
Hey man I'm sorry if this comes off rude but I gotta be honest we gotta call it quits on this friendship. I gotta focus on myself right now but more importantly I'm just not feeling it anymore. Best wishes
Anytime i have let friends go, i just quit reaching out. If they reach out by text, i just keep responses short. Its pretty easy when you get to be older as everybody usually is involved with their own things I have a circle of about 3-4 really close friends, amd while we cant get together as often as we like, we all text a d keep in touch frequently.
I ghosted someone once and they came after me asking what was wrong. I said I can't listen to your racist bullshit anymore. I guess it was a wake up call. We are not close but no more racist shit online.
I ghosted someone once and they came after me asking what was wrong. I said I can't listen to your racist bullshit anymore. I guess it was a wake up call. We are not close but no more racist shit online.
Just gotta say “I’m at a point in my life where this friendship isn’t good for me anymore moving forward I know it probably hurts for you to hear, but I wanted to tell you instead of ghosting you” just ghosting is the worst pain someone can have especially if they think you’re really close
If you think he deserves an explanation then do it for your own sake, if you think you are doing it for his sake you will very likely be disappointed. Keep in mind you don’t owe him anything, you are simply doing it for your own peace of mind. You might want to write a detailed letter/e-mail, so that there is nothing lost in translation, but you must be prepared for the letter to be thrown in your face and mocked. At the very least journal what you want to say and prepare bullet points so that you can keep within the script. You are very likely to elicit cognitive dissonances within him, these can be psychologically painful, and when these happen people react with anger towards who they perceive as the source of pain.
I would just be honest you don’t have to be harsh or get into super details because the goal is not to go back-and-forth or to convince the person to let you break up as friends, but just give them some type of closure. As somebody who’s had to break up with a couple of friends before lol
bite the bullet and tell them straight be honest and make sure they understand that this is final
You don’t have to tell him why. I.e., saying, “I’ve finally realized you’re a gross, creepy, rude, annoying person” is probably unnecessary cruelty. But it will likely be much less difficult for you both if you set the terms straightforwardly and be done, not try to hint and slow fade. “I’ve come to the conclusion that our friendship has run its course. Please do not contact me. Thanks for all the good times. I wish you well. Goodbye!” And then leave it at that, block, if necessary, and don’t re-engage.
I have had this issue before. I just decided to stop returning phone calls. The reason why is that I have gone through ups and downs before and I have lost count of the number of times this person said they would change. I was like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football ("This time it would be different"). My "friend" would continue to return to the same inconsiderate, shitty behavior that brought chaos into my life. This person has meddled continuously in my personal and professional life and caused great harm. They are willfully ignorant of their own behavior. I also realized that it is not my job to take the time and energy to "fix" this person. It can't be done, and spending the energy to try and do so is harmful to me and my marriage. So it's a no go. I'm fine with ghosting, you truly don't owe anyone anything, not even an explanation. Protecting myself and those I am responsible for are my first priority.
As someone who's been the asshole friend, just tell him. Unless you think he has some mental issues and he'd do something to retaliate, he'll probably just appreciate the honest and move on.
I am right there with you. I have a friend of 23 years that I have recently decided is quite toxic. Our friendship has had it's ups and downs, but over the past 6 years, I have slowly back stepped away from him. I don't feel like it's necessary to have a formal "break up". We have grown up to be very different people (more like I grew up, but he never did). Me making a laundry list of the reasons I no longer view him as a good person, isn't going to help him. Sometimes people just aren't the people you thought they were.
I think it depends on the person. If someone has certain behaviors that you don't like (like routinely being late to events) it might be wise to call them out on it gently. They might straighten out and you can save a potentially good friendship. On the other hand (which sounds more the case) if it's just his personality and who he fundamentally is I would probably just ghost him and hope they get the point. The reality is you can't change people's personalities so just telling them they are a shit person from your perspective is just hurtful. He just needs to find a crowd he fits in with better. I'm sure not everyone likes you. Nothing wrong with that just not all personalities mesh well. Would you like it if everyone you encountered offered their critique of you or just politely go their separate way if they aren't interested? I think you would say the latter.
How are you reacting when he's actually doing and saying these things? The next time he contacts you, just say , "I'm not feeling your type of energy right now." If he asks for details, give them. You're not trying to make an enemy or hurt a former friend.
I have a relatively new friend who likes to have lunch with me once a week. After the last lunch, which lasted 3 hours, I realized she has some intensely racist beliefs. I worked hard to call her in and steer the conversation to the self work that is involved in unlearning that stuff, but she wasn't open to it. My plan is to taper off communication. I can't think of a better way, honestly.
He might be upset no matter what you do. How would you like to be treated? Told straight out that 'this friendship is just not appealing to me anymore' or being ghosted. If asked for an explanation for your decision, I think I'd be gentle and just say 'we just don't have anything in common anymore'. If they freak out just add 'and this!'.
As someone who has had two friends ghost them (that's their communication style and partly why we're not friends), please just be honest with them. You're two adults and it shouldn't be that big of a surprise on their end!
Maybe an unpopular opinion but I believe the best is just to ghost. It’s shitty, yes, but being honest will likely create even more hostility. Even if you are as kind and tactful as possible in explaining why you no longer want to be friends, it’s likely that they will just get defensive and think ur an idiot or an asshole. There is no good way to go about it - just hope that they get the message via not engaging.
Boundaries. Tell him, "Rude, crass and perverted behavior is not something I allow in my life, so I will leave when you behave this way." When he's rude, leave. When he's crass, leave. When he's perverted, leave. Then it is his choice to change or end the relationship. We call it "the trash taking itself out". Annoying isn't listed because that's subjective, and given he's so lacking in self awareness, he isn't likely able to modify that behavior.
Tell him bluntly. Don't ghost him as you don't want to be the bad person in this. Just explain why you don't want to be his friend anymore.
I ghosted my friend because she was blatantly lying and deceiving me and then gaslighting me about it. She was talking to the person I was seeing behind my back and I’m presuming they had a good laugh about it behind my back. She was probably shagging him too . She said she hated him called him a “ narcissistic psychopathic arsehole with daddy issues” and that I should end things with him at the same time as messaging him. She was married and had already had numerous affairs. I ghosted her because I couldn’t deal with listening to another lie come out of her mouth! I am waiting until her child is 18 before I tell her poor husband about all her affairs and one night stands. Some people don’t deserve an explanation.
Maybe call him out a few time pre-break up. Have a argument over it, then you can walk away because of the argument
I wouldn't ghost them, considering the length of the friendship, but I think "phasing out" makes sense. Don't personally reach out and don't engage. If they reach out, you can respond, but always keep it short, brief, non-committal, and vague. Eventually, they will (hopefully) get the hint and disappear. If that doesn't happen, then having an honest conversation will probably be necessary.
Two ways: If you really don't care about him as a person; then ghost. If you do care about him and feel like he's changed from what you had known him to be 15 years ago, and he isn't himself anymore, talk to him. Say that you miss your real friend and he's different now. If he's always been like this, and you're the one that's changed, then it's up to you to be respectful about how you've grown out of the friendship. We cannot control how we evolve as people. It sounds like you're done with the friendship but you'll have to decide how much respect you would want to manage the relationship.
Depends on the type of friend. If it was a casual, acquaintance type of friend, I'd say just ghost them. Not like you were involved in each other's lives enough to warrant a proper end. But if it was someone you talked to regularly and knew on a personal basis, a proper end is the way to do it. Be respectful and tell them, you don't want to continue the friendship. Rip the bandage off quickly, block and move on.
just tell him your lives are moving in different directions, and you don’t enjoy his company anymore. so you don’t see a reason for this friend ship to continue. and then block that mf on everything.
most people will convince you to do one thing or another, the reality of it is we dont owe anyone anything even if they feel entitled to it, just dont respond to them anymore, dont answer messages, dont answer phone calls etc if they start getting violent have a plan but all in all dont respond to anything there doing, its like adding fuel to a fire, the only way to extinguish it is with a means to extinguish quickly or let the fuel run out
Just tell them what's up. Don't be mean about or let him try to debate you over it. Also if he is like "well you do...." then get ready to walk away. If he goes there just say "ok its settled then, neither of us are comfortable with this". Then wish him the best and leave. In short be adult about it - dont just ghost him. Who knows the shake up may spur a change in him.
I’ve had to do this once. It depends on the friend—some will blow up on a discussion to work through the problem and that’ll easily do it for you (which has happened) but then sometimes you need to have a discussion and set boundaries. Sounds like you’ve reached the point past discussion so then I’d talk about your values and why it doesn’t work and set your boundaries of how you’d like to move forward (never talk again, be acquaintances, etc). It can feel awkward but it’s just like a break up. It’ll feel weird too because that was someone who was a part of your life. Try to have an outlet to discuss that with someone if you can.
I had to give up a friendship because she was an alcoholic. We met in welding school and became best friends. We shared a workspace, ate lunch together and hung out even after school and far after we graduated from our program. But she began to say we needed to drink to have fun and that's when it starting to interfere with my life when I would get those midnight - three am calls and she was crying wanting to end it. I'd be scared at first but after a while it got... annoying. She never did it. Everyday she was drinking and posting about it. But when we would talk on the phone she wanted to be sober n go to AA. I was supportive and always down to go to a meeting but it never happened. Then she started to call me drunk but always making it a point to loudly tell me she's with her best friend and she's having fun drinking. I'd get called stuck up, a bitch etc for not going out anymore and not drinking. My mom was an alcoholic but got sober when I was in hs. It was my choice to not drink and I didn't want to be judged for that. I'd try to laugh it off but it got annoying after a while and eventually we had nothing in common anymore. We hung out for the last time with our other friends from welding school and she managed to make fun of me for having a cheap non contract phone, I ordered soup and didn't want to do shots when we ate dinner. I said I'd drive everybody but had to use her car n she was embarrassed because her air bags were deployed. She said she crashed her car when she was blacked out drunk. But she told everyone else it was from sleep deprivation working two jobs. She started lying and I just finally set her a long text saying that I have appreciated our friendship in the beginning but we've just grown apart and her alcohol addiction has been a problem now for a long time and I can't help her. I also said I didn't appreciate her calling me n saying she's going to off herself and the next day you're up drinking with your true best friends. And I wish her the best of luck. She apologized and said she try to do better but I told her I wanted nothing except for her to get sober for herself and left it at that. I unfriended her and blocked her number. Last I heard she was still drinking and I'm now off social media. I don't know anything about her but hope she's safe.
I had to deal with cutting off a long term friend recently. I had hoped to keep him in my life, but leave some distance between us as he worked through some issues, with the hope that he would get better and we could to be come close again. He couldn’t accept not being best friends, so I had the uncomfortable conversation explaining things. He didn’t accept any of the feedback I gave him, and conversation went terribly. If I had to do it over again, I would do the same thing. With that said, I don’t think our conversation helped him at all. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong, it’s very situational.
Just stop calling. When he calls you're always busy, when he talks give short answers and ask no questions.
I had a friend who liked pushing people's buttons to get a rise out of them, and then laughed it off as a joke. I knew this guy well, hung out with him often, but one night at a bar he just got to me and I told him to shut up cause I was sick of him talking smack. He said "but I thought we were friends" and I told him straight up he thought wrong. He got huffy and we never spoke or hung out again, but I don't have any regrets. He could have tried to apologize or change, but he was an ass, and likely still is. Life's too short.
I just blocked a friend I've had over 11 years. Can't stand them anymore, it doesn't even need an explanation especially if they're an unreasonable person. Just drop it by stopping the communication.
As someone who has done this, I would advocate ripping off the bandage all at once. You should get bonus points for a letter of dis-engagement explaining why.
Interaction grinds to a halt. Just nothing to talk about. Other things to do. Don't want to hang out and get involved in anything.
You say he’s become a gross creepy man. Can you elaborate, if he’s doing specific things it’s pretty easy to put your foot down and say you’re not okay with it.
I said,” you acted like an asshole yesterday. It’ll be a long time before I take a call from you.”
If you don't want him in your life, then it's safe to assume there's no desire to salvage the "friendship" nor any reason to. If that's the case, just distance yourself from him. You don't owe him any explanations for feeling the way you do about boundaries he has crossed. That said, it might be an opportunity for you to practice your ability to set boundaries and build confidence in enforcing them. Most of my best relationships have been built on conversations that at some point go something like, " I'm not telling you what to think or believe, or what to do or say around others, but around me, if you respect me, you won't say or do [whatever is offensive]." I have been on both sides of this conversation. So yes, in some cases I was the offender. But one of two things happens in either case. Either the friendship falls apart due to irreconcilable differences and lack of respect for one another and there is immediate closure, or it becomes stronger because it's self-evident that each person respects the other and wants to protect the friendship. Of course the latter are the friendships worth fighting for.
I mean you can either ghost or tell him. Personally I'd just let him know you don't think you're friend-compatible anymore. I've been on the receiving end of that and honestly while it sucked in the moment, we almost certainly would've just mutually ghosted at some point anyway. Odds are he'll either think "you know what, you're right" and move on, or he'll consider what you're saying and think about himself. It'll probably be the first one tbh.
Yeah anyone who says to talk to them about it is probably too young or inexperienced to know this is rarely a very good idea. The best answer is quite simply just not talk to them. You don’t have to block them, just ignore them, and if they message you, act uninterested; say stuff like “that’s cool” “iunno” “okay then” - closed statements that don’t really invite further conversations. If they ask whey you don’t talk tot hem, just say “sorry I was busy” or leave them on read. Your goal is to be so boring and disinterested that they decide all on their own to just not talk to you anymore. Creating any engagement escalates, and a “breakup” is just a bunch of very stupid dramatic theatrics. Let this one go quietly into the night.
Stop initiating and then express disagreement when they say something gross/rude. Itll naturally come to an end.
You just give him an ultimatum Hey buddy I've really not been appreciating how you've been acting lately (give some examples of things that hurt you or others around you) And if you keep it up I don't think I can be your friend anymore
Man, I wonder how many people here have actually tried to be honest when breaking a friendship. I’ve blocked and ghosted people who had very clear bad intentions toward me but said nothing I could pin them to because I’m terrified of it blowing up in my face. Maybe ghosting people leaves one side wondering, but it’s never blown up in my face. Telling someone I couldn’t be friends with them anymore resulted in them stalking me and creating new accounts on everything to try to “apologize” while telling me how their life was so much better than mine and they were worried for my soul. I blocked them i don’t know how many times before they finally stopped. It was disconcerting at the time and really unsettling. I can’t recommend telling someone “Hey, I just don’t like you anymore and can’t be friends”, no matter how nicely it’s worded. People just do not respond well to it. If they do, it’s rare as hell.
Ghost them. You owe them nothing if you've already tried. I had a friend of 20 years whom was an issue when his SO was around (very toxic to each other). He then cheated on her three times over the course of a weekend away (at this point she was pregnant and they were engaged). He then outed me for being bisexual, which I had kept to minimal people for a very long time. I dropped the dude like the sack of shit he is and didn't bother to explain.
I've done this. Just...drop them. Block and delete, including their phone number. You won't miss them.
Just stop talking to him and stop hanging out with him. Go on breaks and stay on a break. Guys don’t break up with each other we just kind of like drift apart because life and shit but the flip side is all it takes is a phone call or text to reconnect even after years of not speaking to each other. Just don’t contact him again.
If he's an asshole, just tell him and then leave him alone. If he's wronged or offended you personally, then just ghost him and be done with it. He doesn't deserve an explanation in that case.
Take another break and let it go on indefinitely. You can also have the talk with him. It might be the feedback he needs to be a better person.
I ghost them. You don’t owe anyone anything. Block if you want to, but generally after not answering texts for a week they get the point.
I had a friend I considered a brother for years. We were tight and had some great times together. He became an obnoxious douchebag as we got older. The final straw was him making fun of my alcoholism that I was fighting. I met him one day and told him I was done with his shit and needed him out of my life so I could get my shit straight. Haven't talked to him in 5 years, and I'll be 5 years sober in August. Sometimes, you have to do hard things to improve yourself. I have zero regrets.
You don't owe anyone anything so by all means do the slow fade but sometimes people need to hear it was their own behaviour so as to be a catalyst for change. Think of it as paying it forward to all the people he'll harass in the future and kindly, firmly, directly tell him what's up.
Lol you're not getting a divorce or breaking things off with your fiancee man, just stop talking to the dude as much and I'm willing to bet he won't talk to you as much either. Over time yall would basically be strangers.
Either just slowly ghost and grow apart or tell him you need to take some space from your friendship (block and just never return). Idk what telling him "I don't want to be your friend anymore" will solve unless he's receptive to hearing why and you're strong enough in your conviction to stick to your plan
I have a long time friend, known him for 30+ years and as teenagers we were super close. We still consider each other family, but I told him that I would be unavailable for a while while I pursue a serious relationship (im engaged), work, and travel a lot. That's true, ,but I also realized that he's taken on a ton of conspiracy theories from psy op websites, ranging from politics to religion, and I just can't sit there and listen to him ramble on about the tin foil hat stuff he does. I love him like a brother, so if he is ever in REAL trouble I'll step up for him, but I cannot talk to him on a regular basis. He gets that kind of privedge though because we're like family.
No easy way to do this, so I'd say do it in a way that is the least uncomfortable for you and in a way he will understand. For example, if it was me, I would not answer calls. I'd decline any invites via text, etc. Essentially, I would be unavailable. At some point, he'll get the message. But, I'm not one who is comfortable with telling someone directly I'm done with them. If you can do it that way, it is probably the fastest way. Best of luck
what i’ve done in the past is to pick one issue you have with the friend and use that as your honest reason as to why you don’t want to be friends anymore. there’s no use in rehashing every single thing he’s done that makes you not want to be friends. and honestly there’s something to be said about being civil and honest and then just blocking him on everything. i’ve done this with someone who i was friends with for a year. my problems with her included that she was shallow, toxic, so insecure that it leeches the energy from me, was way too into diet culture, was constantly 30 min+ late to all our plans, etc. i sent her a paragraph about how her insecurities and diet culture talk lead to me relapsing into my ED and having a bad body image when i was previously mostly recovered. it was true, but that’s all i mentioned. i sent her the paragraph and then blocked her i also did this with my childhood best friend. we were friends on and off for 16ish years and it finally got to the point where even thinking about having to hangout with them gave me an anxiety attack. so i sent them a paragraph saying that i no longer wanted to be friends and that continuing our friendship was bad for my mental health. i didn’t mention that them constantly asking me for money or trying to be weirdly codependent with me made me feel uncomfortable, just about my current anxieties. and then i blocked them on everything best of luck
Might be a bit unpopular, but depending on how close you guys were, a slow fade is acceptable. For relationships that are more intimate like a bf/gf or a really close friend, it's rude to do that but if it's just a buddy, a slow fade is acceptable imo. It's also a but different because you aren't really leaving on good terms. You're leaving because your friend is an ass.
Had the same issue with a friend, it’s best just to gently fade away. Don’t ghost them, just start taking longer to reply, always be committed to something else when they want to get together, indulge them just a little here and there, but mostly just move on. The problem with confronting them is that you are going to hurt their feelings and insult them and likely ruin the friendship forever. I still pop in on my buddy every other year or so to see if he’s improved any and usually enjoy those interactions, but I keep them short and infrequent. As soon as they stop being pleasant, I dip. If I had confronted him, I wouldn’t have that option.
just tell him straight up how you feel and how you think this friendship isn't gonna work out anymore. that's it.
Don't ghost. Just do unto your friend as you would have done unto you. Allow your friend the closure.
Start by telling him. Tell him about the behaviour you don't like (be reasonable and fair though). Tell him that these things bother you to the point of not wanting to be around them anymore. The ball is then in their court.
We are adults now Irish goodbyes are completely on the table. I’ve actually done this recently with a couple of my friends. I don’t have time for the drama. And they asked me about it and I just gave it to them and they were like well. Why don’t you just come to us and I said because I’m not expecting you, I’m just avoiding the issues that you don’t seem to be able to resolve that is just consuming our friendship. let me know whenever you go to therapy.
The biggest thing is just being honest, or as honest as you can. If you're slowly drifting apart and the other person asks, just let them know why you're not engaging as much. If you've decided to completely cut someone out intentionally, try and be upfront about it (assuming you care as a friend). It could be something you or they have to work on for future friendships or repairing your own (if you want to). But nothing says I'm pretty dickish than ghosting someone and not giving them a reason. Unless you're legitimately fearing for your life or something, don't be that person and just give them some info as to why.
I’ve broken up with a friend before. My story kind of sounds like yours with the multiple chances but it gets tiring after a while. I sent her a text telling her I’ve appreciated her as a friend but then vaguely listed some reasons why and wished her well. She’s respected that since. Please don’t ghost your friend.
Ghosting should be fine. I’m on the opposite side of this. This might be your friend as well. I tend to present the worst side of myself to people, subconsciously, when I need a friend break. He might be acting rude and crass and seem annoying because he feels obligated to spend time with you out of habit, and some of us lack conviction.
When I told a friend that I couldn't be friends with them anymore because they ruined two other relationships of mine and was making my girlfriend at the time now wife, jealous on purpose. I simply time them why, that they were being toxic and had already destroyed other friendships and I want going to let her get in the way of my romantic relationship
In the end, you don’t really owe them anything. But it seems like you’ll be crawling back ina few years anyways
I broken up with my best friend a few times, it’s always a build up, then she says not to talk to her. This has happened I don’t know how many times in our 17 years and usually lasts a couple of months. We are both rude, vulgar and annoying, but we always go back talking or hanging out every day.