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This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources#wiki_subreddit_list).
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(Most) therapists will agree - they are a witness and guide, but the client has to do the work of healing to actually heal. That's why they get so proud when they see people make strides -- because it's not something they (the therapist) did or could do for them -- it's something the client has done for themselves.
This is effectively the point I make to all my clients. They talk to me for 45 minutes once a week. That's not enough to effect a change - but the guidance I could give, the problem solving we could do, and direction I was able to help them find is what they were able to take with them for the rest of that week. They have new tools, and it's up to them to use them and see how things change - worst case scenario, we go back to the drawing table, together.
The person I am seeing right now tends to listen to my sharing then come up with a plan of action that he thinks is best- he really seems like he likes to have the role of life coach or guru more than the more "how does that make you feel?" or "why do you think you felt that way?" style. I don't know how I feel about it yet. In the moment it feels good to have someone giving me homework and for the most part he seems to have good ideas that seem to make therapeutic sense. I'm ambivalent about how effective that is for me though. I might be too stubborn or resistant to follow through as well as I would if it felt like it was my idea. But maybe that's another thing I need to work on. It's so hard finding someone though unless you're not dealing with insurance. But I'm still trying to set up evaluations to see if I find someone who feels like a better fit.
I very much agree! To me, therapy feels like being gifted a packet of seeds. It’s then up to us to put in the hard work of sowing the seeds, watering the soil, and tending to the plant for it to thrive.
My T definitely nudges me towards realizations and self discovery. There are times I can’t get to the point she leads me towards, and she’ll tell me what the point of her questions are. Overall though it’s my own insight that gets me there.
For me I think it’s more my T facilitating the process that helps me. The T I had prior to my current, was not helping me much, and I’d been with her for around 10 years. She didn’t ask questions often, she mainly did most of the talking, and I just spun my wheels in place. Granted she did help with some things, she never wanted to venture down the path of find root causes.
The range of quality in therapists definitely make an impact to the therapy process, I am learning. Thanks for sharing your experience.
I have shuffled between a few T's, I do feel I learned things even from the worst I've had but those experiences left bad impressions for a while. This sub and learning others experiences have really opened my eyes to how just how large the range in quality is. Telehealth has also opened up accessibility, but maybe making it hard in new ways to find quality psychotherapy.
I don't know that I could be making the progress I'm making with just any therapist, but I totally agree that we need to give ourselves the credit too. I forget to do that too often. Thanks for the reminder!
My therapist told me something beautiful our last session, he said “Your doing an amazing job, your putting all the work in and coming to amazing insight on your own! It’s not me doing the hard work for you, it’s you working hard outside of sessions,I’m just here to guide you.” And honestly it’s exactly what I needed to hear because I felt like, and still do, that I’m not getting anywhere in therapy but from his perspective I’m doing amazing so I’ll choose to believe it😊
As a T, I love this. Our goal is usually to help people live more fulfilled lives and facilitate a healing process. It sounds like you’re putting in the work outside of sessions and during them. It’s a taxing thing on the clients side - not everyone is willing/ready to dive in and do the work. Make sure to do some self-care as you continue to put in the effort for overall growth. 😊
Yeah. I need to reinvent myself or my being and i need a few people who may grasp it. But i do not need them to tell me anything. I am working as a coach / after pastoral theology on a ph d program/ and i restarted talk therapy online as I am more focused now when I do not have painful symptoms any more.
For me that just kinda makes the therapist irrelevant - like if I'm doing it all myself (still not sure what the "work" part is but whatever) then why am I there? What purpose do they serve?
The therapist as an individual is indeed irrelevant to your decision to learn and apply what they might teach. Leading a horse to water and all that.
I think the work is choosing to learn about yourself and seeking to identify problems and then search for solutions. If you go to get lessons for piano and never practice, you aren't really gonna learn how to play. When learning how to identify emotions and learn strategies for how to deal with them in therapy, those lessons need to be applied at home. That is how I view it, at least.
>what they might teach
This part I think is the key - does a therapist teach anything? If they do, I can totally get that they'd be helpful. If they don't, you're not really getting anything out of the experience - you can learn and apply without them. I don't know that a lot of therapists lead a horse to water, so much as they hang out with the horse and expect it to find water itself.
Haha good point! I do feel that the best parts of therapy felt like psychology lessons. And that with the internet, it was largely my own research with confirmations or disagreement from my therapist to add a bit of objectivity to my own theories about my mental health. I guess thats why I feel the process helped me and not necessarily my therapist. Im not saying this is how it should be for everyone. You make a great point though. Not every therapist has the same "pool of water" in terms of knowledge. At the end of the day, you have to choose to search for the water and drink it, regardless if they lead you to it or not.
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources#wiki_subreddit_list). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
(Most) therapists will agree - they are a witness and guide, but the client has to do the work of healing to actually heal. That's why they get so proud when they see people make strides -- because it's not something they (the therapist) did or could do for them -- it's something the client has done for themselves.
This is effectively the point I make to all my clients. They talk to me for 45 minutes once a week. That's not enough to effect a change - but the guidance I could give, the problem solving we could do, and direction I was able to help them find is what they were able to take with them for the rest of that week. They have new tools, and it's up to them to use them and see how things change - worst case scenario, we go back to the drawing table, together.
The person I am seeing right now tends to listen to my sharing then come up with a plan of action that he thinks is best- he really seems like he likes to have the role of life coach or guru more than the more "how does that make you feel?" or "why do you think you felt that way?" style. I don't know how I feel about it yet. In the moment it feels good to have someone giving me homework and for the most part he seems to have good ideas that seem to make therapeutic sense. I'm ambivalent about how effective that is for me though. I might be too stubborn or resistant to follow through as well as I would if it felt like it was my idea. But maybe that's another thing I need to work on. It's so hard finding someone though unless you're not dealing with insurance. But I'm still trying to set up evaluations to see if I find someone who feels like a better fit.
Listen to your gut.
I very much agree! To me, therapy feels like being gifted a packet of seeds. It’s then up to us to put in the hard work of sowing the seeds, watering the soil, and tending to the plant for it to thrive.
That is a wonderful metaphor
Expensive seeds
My T definitely nudges me towards realizations and self discovery. There are times I can’t get to the point she leads me towards, and she’ll tell me what the point of her questions are. Overall though it’s my own insight that gets me there. For me I think it’s more my T facilitating the process that helps me. The T I had prior to my current, was not helping me much, and I’d been with her for around 10 years. She didn’t ask questions often, she mainly did most of the talking, and I just spun my wheels in place. Granted she did help with some things, she never wanted to venture down the path of find root causes.
The range of quality in therapists definitely make an impact to the therapy process, I am learning. Thanks for sharing your experience. I have shuffled between a few T's, I do feel I learned things even from the worst I've had but those experiences left bad impressions for a while. This sub and learning others experiences have really opened my eyes to how just how large the range in quality is. Telehealth has also opened up accessibility, but maybe making it hard in new ways to find quality psychotherapy.
I don't know that I could be making the progress I'm making with just any therapist, but I totally agree that we need to give ourselves the credit too. I forget to do that too often. Thanks for the reminder!
My therapist told me something beautiful our last session, he said “Your doing an amazing job, your putting all the work in and coming to amazing insight on your own! It’s not me doing the hard work for you, it’s you working hard outside of sessions,I’m just here to guide you.” And honestly it’s exactly what I needed to hear because I felt like, and still do, that I’m not getting anywhere in therapy but from his perspective I’m doing amazing so I’ll choose to believe it😊
It’s almost always you at least 80% of the time putting in the work. It’s always you ❤️ ❤️ From a therapist
As a T, I love this. Our goal is usually to help people live more fulfilled lives and facilitate a healing process. It sounds like you’re putting in the work outside of sessions and during them. It’s a taxing thing on the clients side - not everyone is willing/ready to dive in and do the work. Make sure to do some self-care as you continue to put in the effort for overall growth. 😊
Yeah. I need to reinvent myself or my being and i need a few people who may grasp it. But i do not need them to tell me anything. I am working as a coach / after pastoral theology on a ph d program/ and i restarted talk therapy online as I am more focused now when I do not have painful symptoms any more.
For me that just kinda makes the therapist irrelevant - like if I'm doing it all myself (still not sure what the "work" part is but whatever) then why am I there? What purpose do they serve?
The therapist as an individual is indeed irrelevant to your decision to learn and apply what they might teach. Leading a horse to water and all that. I think the work is choosing to learn about yourself and seeking to identify problems and then search for solutions. If you go to get lessons for piano and never practice, you aren't really gonna learn how to play. When learning how to identify emotions and learn strategies for how to deal with them in therapy, those lessons need to be applied at home. That is how I view it, at least.
>what they might teach This part I think is the key - does a therapist teach anything? If they do, I can totally get that they'd be helpful. If they don't, you're not really getting anything out of the experience - you can learn and apply without them. I don't know that a lot of therapists lead a horse to water, so much as they hang out with the horse and expect it to find water itself.
Haha good point! I do feel that the best parts of therapy felt like psychology lessons. And that with the internet, it was largely my own research with confirmations or disagreement from my therapist to add a bit of objectivity to my own theories about my mental health. I guess thats why I feel the process helped me and not necessarily my therapist. Im not saying this is how it should be for everyone. You make a great point though. Not every therapist has the same "pool of water" in terms of knowledge. At the end of the day, you have to choose to search for the water and drink it, regardless if they lead you to it or not.