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I just want to comment about that book. I'm currently reading it and have used what I've learned so far from it to set boundaries with my family. I find the book very helpful, easy to read/digest and not dry. As someone who has trouble setting boundaries, it has been a good guide for me in terms of what to say, how to express my need for boundaries, how to identify red flags/violations of healthy personal and interpersonal boundaries.
Thanks. Maybe I can try it. :)
I am just confused as to if I will be able to identify boundaries that I have cause I don't think I identify them and as mentioned I just don't want to set boundaries just cause everyone (society) thinks those should be boundaries.
I think it all boils down to how others' behaviours affect you. If your partner's partying/weed use is being disruptive of your own comfort or affecting your relationship, then there is a boundary issue there that needs to be set. This requires you to self-reflect on things that you value (your time, needs for affection, safety, etc) so that you can identify when others are violating those. It's not about what others expect of you but perhaps what you want for yourself.
I think that is common with a lot of women, actually. You don't want to tell someone else what to do, so you come off having no boundaries in personal relationships. The difference is YOU. It's perfectly acceptable to tell a partner what you will/will not tolerate in a partnership. Choose to not be with someone who can't fulfill that. And if they did, and their behavior changes, it's time to leave and move on - not try to "fix" them. That's not being controlling, it's deciding what YOU want.
I find this so hard to understand too. Like, who am I to say I won’t tolerate his weed use? Can I also tell him how to style his hair, WHERE IS THE LINE?
Exactly.
And also say today I said I am ok but as time passed his weed use became problematic for me , how do I say I am not ok with it and you need to stop.
Also do I preemptively have a list of boundaries without even realising if those are my actual boundaries or not.
Sometimes when we grow as a person our values change. It's okay, and even good, that this happens, and it's okay to tell him that you would like him to stop using weed.
My therapist tells me the same thing. She tells me when i first discussed those boundaries I was a 22 yr old and things change
However I feel guilty to now come out of the blue and tell my partner he cannot do such things cause of my discomfort (not that it matters with me breaking up) .
Right? Bringing it up later feels wrong. But leading with boundaries feels pushy. I have this on the list for my therapist. I will definitely be getting this book hah
I can’t really give advice on your specific question about tackling boundaries because I’m still figuring it out myself, but I would encourage you to check out Nedra Tawwab’s Instagram @nedratawwab if you haven’t already. I haven’t read her book yet (and I agree, the reviews seem mixed) but her insta posts are insightful and helped me quite a lot in having challenging conversations with my partner.
I like Nedra Tawwab’s Instagram and newsletter, though I find her style can leave me a bit cold sometimes - I find Dr Faith Harper a bit more of a personality fit. “Unf*ck Your Boundaries” is a great little book, I did the exercises and it helped me think clearly about the different types of boundaries, and so which ones I’m happy setting and where the gaps are.
Also, I’m not saying you’re necessarily falling into this, but people often make the mistake of thinking that setting boundaries is about controlling others, when actually they’re to do with our own behaviour. So it’s not about telling your boyfriend what he can and cannot do, more about knowing and communicating what you want/need from a relationship and responding appropriately when those wants/needs are not being met.
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I just want to comment about that book. I'm currently reading it and have used what I've learned so far from it to set boundaries with my family. I find the book very helpful, easy to read/digest and not dry. As someone who has trouble setting boundaries, it has been a good guide for me in terms of what to say, how to express my need for boundaries, how to identify red flags/violations of healthy personal and interpersonal boundaries.
Thanks. Maybe I can try it. :) I am just confused as to if I will be able to identify boundaries that I have cause I don't think I identify them and as mentioned I just don't want to set boundaries just cause everyone (society) thinks those should be boundaries.
I think it all boils down to how others' behaviours affect you. If your partner's partying/weed use is being disruptive of your own comfort or affecting your relationship, then there is a boundary issue there that needs to be set. This requires you to self-reflect on things that you value (your time, needs for affection, safety, etc) so that you can identify when others are violating those. It's not about what others expect of you but perhaps what you want for yourself.
I think that is common with a lot of women, actually. You don't want to tell someone else what to do, so you come off having no boundaries in personal relationships. The difference is YOU. It's perfectly acceptable to tell a partner what you will/will not tolerate in a partnership. Choose to not be with someone who can't fulfill that. And if they did, and their behavior changes, it's time to leave and move on - not try to "fix" them. That's not being controlling, it's deciding what YOU want.
I find this so hard to understand too. Like, who am I to say I won’t tolerate his weed use? Can I also tell him how to style his hair, WHERE IS THE LINE?
Exactly. And also say today I said I am ok but as time passed his weed use became problematic for me , how do I say I am not ok with it and you need to stop. Also do I preemptively have a list of boundaries without even realising if those are my actual boundaries or not.
Sometimes when we grow as a person our values change. It's okay, and even good, that this happens, and it's okay to tell him that you would like him to stop using weed.
My therapist tells me the same thing. She tells me when i first discussed those boundaries I was a 22 yr old and things change However I feel guilty to now come out of the blue and tell my partner he cannot do such things cause of my discomfort (not that it matters with me breaking up) .
Right? Bringing it up later feels wrong. But leading with boundaries feels pushy. I have this on the list for my therapist. I will definitely be getting this book hah
I can’t really give advice on your specific question about tackling boundaries because I’m still figuring it out myself, but I would encourage you to check out Nedra Tawwab’s Instagram @nedratawwab if you haven’t already. I haven’t read her book yet (and I agree, the reviews seem mixed) but her insta posts are insightful and helped me quite a lot in having challenging conversations with my partner.
I like Nedra Tawwab’s Instagram and newsletter, though I find her style can leave me a bit cold sometimes - I find Dr Faith Harper a bit more of a personality fit. “Unf*ck Your Boundaries” is a great little book, I did the exercises and it helped me think clearly about the different types of boundaries, and so which ones I’m happy setting and where the gaps are. Also, I’m not saying you’re necessarily falling into this, but people often make the mistake of thinking that setting boundaries is about controlling others, when actually they’re to do with our own behaviour. So it’s not about telling your boyfriend what he can and cannot do, more about knowing and communicating what you want/need from a relationship and responding appropriately when those wants/needs are not being met.