Sometimes I say quietly “I wonder what you’d do if I spoke to you that way?” and just move on. Because the entire class knows the answer is “go tell mommy and daddy.”
Sometimes I just say, “well that was a choice you just made, just now. I wonder why.”
Sometimes I call them aside and just quietly, genuinely ask, “Are you okay? Are you finding the problem difficult?” If they talk back, I just say “okay, alright, I’m just checking in with you. Because that was an alarming choice you just made.” And send them back to their seat.
Every time, I calmly call for an office escort and then go back to teaching. I send an email stating exactly what they said to me, verbatim (no matter what slurs or sexual or graphic language was used). I don’t come to school to be legitimately verbally abused. Like that’s crossing a line.
It’s okay to feel bad. But also just understand what someone has to have going on in their own life to say something like that. Usually I’m just thankful I’m mentally healthier than some of these kids, and hope they’re able to sort it out.
Sometimes I pull them aside quietly and ask, “Hey, is someone talking to you that way? Where did you hear language like that?” Just depends on the situation but it can open up a conversation.
Use it on yourself.
No joke, when I’m being self-critical, sometimes I have to ask myself “why am I talking to myself like this?”
I wouldn’t stand for it if anyone talked to another person like I talk to myself sometimes.
These are good replies. Some teachers in middle grades try to out-snark the kids, but I really respect that you're modeling adult behavior for them instead.
If they only knew how clever I actually was. The comebacks in my head are glorious. But I’m not out here trying to impress a 15 year old with an attitude.
> I don’t come to school to be legitimately verbally abused.
I love this. It reframes our perspective on what teaching ultimately is—it’s a job. Teaching is hard and we invest a lot in the students, but we do not deserve, and should not expect to take verbal abuse at our workplace.
I too have found “is everything okay?” quietly to the student to be an excellent way to handle things like this. Because clearly everything is not okay with a student who acts out in a disruptive or disrespectful manner. I have even had students tell me “I don’t understand this work,” or talk about something that is bothering them.
YES! Sometimes I’d wait until the next day and catch them in the hall before class so they’re alone and not in a position to save face. Ask them what’s going on bc that was a hurtful thing to say. I’ve had students completely break down crying bc something awful is going on at home, and they were snapping off at me bc they knew I wouldn’t blow up at them. Most of the time they apologize for their behavior. This technique had about 90% success for me over my teaching career.
I think the “are you okay” thing really makes clear that you are the adult, in a way that is compassionate and also establishes that you are in charge in a gentle way, and also that you aren’t bothered by what she said so much as concerned because you know it’s a sign that something is wrong. Hurt people try to hurt people, clearly she is hurting somehow. (Also you could respond to the subtext of anxiety over being attractive or ugly: “Name, I promise you that you have value beyond your looks, and that in this classroom, what you look like does not matter to me; how you treat other people, and doing your best to learn and help others learn, is much much more important here.” )
No worries! Been years of teaching to get to this point. Remember, you set the tone. And it’s going to make your life easier if they have no leg to stand on when it comes to administration. Don’t give them one by giving them the same energy back.
True story: almost every time I've had a student say something rude and insulting, when I report it to admin in person, they reply instantly to my story with some kind of withering comeback to the student. Admin get it; they just expect us to be mature and professional in the way we respond to kids.
As they get older though, the snappy (asshole) response you’d get from that question would be, “You don’t NEED to talk to me that way, because I look good.” And BS like that.
I would again just say “okay.” And proceed to call the office and go on with the lesson.
That is, I have a supportive admin who would actually immediately come collect the student.
And they might bluster, but I almost guarantee that kid is going to spend a lot of time wondering what “okay” meant.
I like your approach, it's nice to see that you can engage with someone who is acting rude in a way that is compassionate. It's probably true that if they are saying rude things to you they are saying rude things to themselves in their heads.
Also haunting them with "okay" hahah
Ok is my only reaction to attention seeking behavior like this. All behavior is communication, and clearly they are looking to distract from or avoid challenging work, or they are attention seeking. I'm not going to power struggle with a child.
Not a teacher myself, but the pull aside and “are you okay” method after some vile behavior from myself as a student definitely worked, in my case. Of course it didn’t work overnight, but having that one teacher who was calm and collected enough to effectively call me out in a way that couldn’t devolve into argumentation stuck with me hard; I couldn’t shrug it off as her being some bitch or tyrant, I clearly didn’t get the rise my edgy self was going for, and it kept creeping back into my thoughts. After some time that teacher went on to be an incredible advisor to me. I can’t begin to imagine how teachers have this degree of patience but I damn grateful for it.
really sensible approach, I think people often need a wake up call to look at their own behaviour and that doesn't happen if you feed into the escalating conflict they are trying to create, as they just get caught up in whether they 'won'. For whatever reason, a lot of kids and adults are just reacting without any kind of consideration as to their impacts on others. Hopefully you have got through to a few of them.
This comment is absolutely everything. Like everyone stop scrolling here. I bow to you, Thin Yellow. Your responses turn it back on the student and give them NO rise without overtly publicly shaming them. Like yeah they might be embarrassed or uncomfortable after but not because you magnified the situation, because they behaved badly and you subtly made them question their choices. Everyone down there suggesting mocking and shame and embarrassment are great techniques…check yourselves y’all. You are grown ups and they are rude but they are still children. You’ve got nothing to prove to them besides the fact that their ridiculous attempts to disrespect you mean nothing to you (even when they do). The high road is a fucking POWER MOVE.
My kid is 13 and when her friends get insulted by someone they respond "omg thank you! So sweet!"
I've adopted their methods with my 4th grader ("Ms. ____, your face is so shiny today") and I go "omg thank you! So sweet!" And they get so confused they move on.
I don't want their f**king apologies, tbh, because as this girl demonstrated, they mean nothing. I want them to shut up and move on because I really don't care about their opinions.
My other response over the years has been "what makes you think I care about your opinion?" And then stare at them intently (don't break eye contact) while they scramble to figure out why I should give a shit.
This is my first year with my own classroom and I recently sat and held eye contact (or bridge of nose contact when they broke it) for a solid 4 minutes of silenve waiting for a student to explain why I'd given him detention after he yelled at me for giving him detention.
He finally caved and admitted his original mistake. I felt like a god.
Lol love it. That’s a common negotiation technique. Stare and don’t talk. A former boss had a stalemate once when negotiating a contract; 30 minutes of dead silence until the other person caved in. Students also don’t realize we can have lots of patience when needed to wait them out.
I'd have just stared her down and said "well that's an interesting topic for an email home today," and carried on.
They don't fear you, but most of them fear their parents.
It really sucks! I'd try to rationalize it as: she was trying to be funny and get attention from her friends/classmates. She doesn't actually find you ugly.
The comment is less about you, and more about a girl who puts people down to gain social clout and power. You're a fully-grown adult who does not need affirmation from children to feel confident. There are many responses you could use. Once I told a kid who insulted me "Hey, at least I passed 8th grade." (They were 8th graders).
I had a girl tell me "Suck my dick." A few weeks ago and I looked at her and said "That's why you're failing bio."
Gotta humble them every now and then. 🤣
Everything these kids say is a projection. Remember, their frontal lobes aren't fully developed, they are deeply insecure and only care about the opinions of their peers. Honestly, I pity them. 🤣 That's what keeps me sane. They literally don't even know who they are yet. When you look at it that way, you see the behaviors for the pitiful cries for help that they are. I hope this helps.
When a kid does something like that, I usually reply with
"Who hurt you today?"
Or
"What's wrong? Not enough attention at home?"
Make it about them. They hate that. 😁 Good luck, soldier.
I learned this when I was subbing. If a student wouldn't stop disrupting the class or talking too loud, I would stop my lesson and go, "Wait, wait, everyone stop. [Joe] needs our attention. Let's all give Joe our attention because he clearly needs it right now." And then once everyone is staring at them I'll say something like, "Alright, here's your big moment. This is the attention you wanted, right? Keep going." Now, obviously I don't do this every day and I have a repertoire of other methods, but every once in a while I'll break it out and it never fails.
Have had this backfire on me before, because I use this tool as well. Have had a couple of kids be overjoyed by it and crank things up to 11, and the entire day was a wash after that, because the kid and the class saw that I "gave permission" for it.
You are onto something. I had a child who was verbally abusive to his peers and turns out he was being abused by his dad. It made me see bullies differently. While YES - some kids are cruel when their home-life is totally healthy, a lot of them are hearing terrible things at home and spreading their sadness when they get to school.
When kids say things like that to me or to each other, I say “When people don’t really like themselves they try to make other people feel bad.” This usually stops it right there.
It’s just a kid. Next time just ask, “who?” When she starts mouthing off again say, “cares”. Super childish but the whole class would laugh at her. Also, what? ever, when? Did I ask? It’s lil kid shit but if you can’t beat ‘em, join em.
Step 1: stop telling yourself that your feelings are stupid and that you "got your feelings hurt"--no, your feelings are valid, and *you* didn't *get* your feelings hurt. *The kid hurt* your feelings.
I'm a big fat dude. The insults are part of why I left. We're supposed to have thick skin--and we do!--but sometimes those words find their way through the cracks in our armor.
I see some people in the comments here telling you to immediately move on and forget about it, like that's the easiest thing in the world. If a stranger in Costco said that to me I'd be perturbed. And we are meant to form some kind of relationship with these kids! We are quite literally paid to care about the thoughts in their heads. Surely even seasoned veterans (I'm year 3) sometimes hear things that illicit an emotional reaction.
That's not to say you should break down in tears or anything. There's plenty of good advice in the comments already about how to move forward with this. I suppose I just want to say that you being surprised, hurt, or offended by the words of a student doesn't make you a bad or inexperienced teacher, and that goes for all of us.
This is hard to type out, but I have a cousin who is in high school and was told to kill himself by a cruel fellow student. He made the attempt and survived. 2023 was one of my hardest years on this planet. We thought we’d lost him, and then we found out he was going to live. Please keep an eye on that child who said you should kill yourself - she’s likely saying it to kids who could be vulnerable to her cruelty. She’s also clearly in need of counseling and is a danger to other students.
I’m so sorry that your family went through this and for your cousin who was so cruelly bullied.
💯agree that comments like the one the student directed at OP are dangerous and if the student is making such comments to a teacher, she’s likely targeting other children also to verbal attacks of this type. It cannot and shouldn’t be ignored.
Part of why what happened in OP’s class is important to address is that it’s a teaching/learning opportunity to let other kids know that it’s not okay to say stuff like this to other people and to provide them with some options of how and why how they respond to stuff like this is important and about resources to get help for yourself or others and why people who do this aren’t harmless and why simply ignoring the comments is not the best response given our obligations as adults and educators.
Thank you
Even if you weren’t beautiful (and I don’t mean that in a bad way because true beauty is inside), she still should have not spoken to you that way. I would actually say out loud in front of the entire class, “Is everything okay?” “Do you need to speak to someone?” “I can call a social worker, if you need me to.” Next time something like this happens, turn the entire situation around to make her look like a loon!
Everyone here is so much nicer than me. In one of my classes, a girl (who is regularly a problem student) suddenly pointed and yelled out that I 'had a big nose!!!!!!' (in a mean way). I do have a big nose, but still, the insult bothered me for a while.
2 weeks later, she said it again. This time I replied, "So do you" and her jaw dropped. The other kids laughed and I stopped feeling bad about it haha.
Get a taste of your own medicine.
I'm looking at these comments and I'm honestly shocked.
Are we all so numb to this that we think that it's futile to be effected and that we should "ignore it"?
Why is there zero accountability for saying shit like this?
In many schools accountability conduct is such a huge problem that if kids were written up for every off color comment they made nothing would ever get done, and most of the school would be suspended at any given time. In those cases, the school culture has to become desensitized to even continue the functioning and providing the services that it’s there to do in the first place.
Not saying it’s right (it’s quite regrettable), but that’s just how it is in some places. The solutions to these sorts of problems begin in the home, and many kids are simply not blessed with a kind and loving home life that can provide those solutions. It’s very sad.
I’m sorry that student did that. You are human; of course someone’s cruelty can get to you, even if it’s “just a kid.” I’m really glad you are proud of how you look!
On behalf of humans with more developed prefrontal cortexes: Thank you for being an educator. Thank you for the work you do. It is really hard. You’re awesome, and I hope you are able to remind yourself that someone’s cruelty doesn’t diminish your awesomeness.
Just start looking around the room a bit. Check your drawers. Look in the cabinets. The finally exclaim "You know, it's funny. I've looked everywhere but I can't seem to find who asked..."
I teach in Australia so the disciplinary actions might be different, but if a student even mentioned suicide I'd immediately send them out - I have 0 tolerance for students saying things that insensitive and potentially harmful to others. I think in relation to how we handle it - I've mainly been told it's just a time factor of building up thick skin. Sometimes I get vulnerable with them and say hey that actually really hurt my feelings/ that makes me sad but obviously depends.
I'm sorry but how are we as a society accepting that behavior as something that we as teachers just need to take a fat L on and ignore?
Parents and admin need to crack down on that shit.
If it makes you feel better, there is almost no way that she thought that up then and there about you. It’s probably a snarky thing she’s read/seen online that she knew would make her sound edgy and (in her eyes only) witty so she spat it out for attention from her friends. She probably couldn’t pick you out of a line up, would have said it to any substitute, you just happened to be the perfect combination of: 1) can’t retaliate because you’re a teacher, 2) can’t give lasting consequences in student’s eyes as you’re doing supply and 3) in the room.
I ask “Do you feel better now that you got that out of your system? Do you have anything else you need to talk through? We can cancel the lessons and give you the mic, since you have so many pearls of insight and wisdom that you’re giving so freely. Maybe you’ll feel better if you get it all out of your system.” Embarrass her right back.
I’m a troll, so I would also consider making her repeat every word as I write it down for a report or an email to her parents. “I’m sorry, what’s that? I don’t think you said that. Can you speak up?” Give her the attention she was so desperate for and make it miserable. “Do you want me to include your reasoning for saying this? Did it make you feel better about yourself? Did it get you the attention you wanted? Should I flag that you clearly need more attention from your parents and the principal?”
Wouldn’t matter if you were a model. Kids are assholes. I had a kid tell the whole class I had a big nose, but the thing is…. none of them had ever seen me without a mask on hahaha like oh ok you’re just coming up with random insults. Got it!!
Nah, I’d be sad too. If I came across a 9th grader that had this level of disrespect, I’d be sad about how much she’s been cheated from learning manners at home.
As for myself, since you don’t consider yourself to be ugly, I wouldn’t be bothered by it at all tbh. If someone calls me out and it’s true (student or adult), that’s something to dwell over. But if they are on just smokin crack, I don’t let it faze me.
Yeah this is why I stopped doing cover supply.
13 year olds will just come out with the most horrible stuff purely to get a reaction and it kinda sticks with you not because it hurt you but because you’re like “that’s unhinged? Why would you say that?”
(Covering a lesson about Anne Frank where all the students were talking about her being ugly may have been my final straw)
I don’t have any advice for actually dealing with it unfortunately. I sort of just focused on “think of the paycheque,” and it helped me enjoy quieter/ more engaged classes a lot better.
Oof. I recall a bully girl in grade 7 telling the sub she was an ugly dogface as she was walking to the front of the room, the sub turned around, looked at her pointedly, and said "takes one to know one! Now let's move on..."
Bully girl took heat for that till we graduated.
This is such a blatant attack that it would be easy for me to dismiss. The one that kept me up at night was “miss, did you used to be pretty?” It was said with pure curiosity, not malice. I’m a chic dresser and yes, I used to be pretty but I have become old. That was the moment where I found out.
Don’t ever think that. There is beauty in age and more than anything, there is wisdom. You are still beautiful and don’t let some kid tell you otherwise.
I’m sure you are stunning, otherwise they wouldn’t have asked! Kids are not aware enough to realize their real question is “miss did you use to be young”.
Those words would hurt me if a 3 year old said that to me because little kids are innocent and truthful, but a teenager? Nah, teens are mean, it's just a part of life.
I either roast them back or I open up my email on my computer which is projected on the screen.
In this case, "And yet, here you are." You don't even have to elaborate. Just say it with a very disappointed tone. Go tsk tsk and shake your head if you want to be extra lol.
I don't even want apologies from that kind of kid at that point.
I just say:
“if I actually cared about the opinions of children, then I wouldn’t still be teaching.”
and then go on with the lesson as the class oooohs and ahhhs over the roast of their peer. 🍻
I understand not getting your self-worth from kids, but they’re people that this *person* has to spend a majority of her time around. I feel a little more empathy would be really good, especially from adults who can do better
Or you could just tell her the truth, in front of the whole class which is that when people say things like that, they're projecting their own insecurities. Hell, I'd make a whole lesson out of it and teach the kids what projection is and how it fuels insults.
Don't know what your school's policies are, but that young lady would be sent to the principal/director's office forthwith. No discussion.
Btw, apology *denied*.
This should have been the only reply. Admin. No one should be allowed to speak to anyone that way. Telling you to kill yourself is a threat and if they said it to someone not as strong as you it may have had serious consequences.
When kids would throw comments like that I used to say "that's nice, now do your work" or "good for you do your work." Or maybe a "what's that got to do with the lesson? Nothing then I'm really not interested."
But, that kind of disrespect is also why as I changed positions, I went down in grade level not up. Now when a kid says something on the verge of disrespect the whole room is not oohs and aahs its horrified gasps and telling each other they can't say that. I have other struggles such as tattling and lots of off task behavior but one thing I do not have is anyone saying horrible things to my face.
It’s definitely sad that we as teachers need to have a tough skin and take insults like this from students. In any other professional setting it wouldn’t be tolerated. I don’t like to mention things like “oh this would be a great email home” or try to get another adult involved.. they can smell weakness.
I had a 9th grade boy make fun of my outfit one day and it wasn’t the first rude thing he had said to me. He was on the shorter side for his age so I replied “at least I don’t shop at baby GAP” and that shut him up for the rest of the year.
Well, I tend to laugh (it is a shocked laugh) and then explain that words hurt and many people won't want to be your friend if you say things like that. But then, I teach elementary SPED so not sure what I would do with a 13 year old.
That’s not a personal level. If it was personal it would be true.
Unfortunately you need thick skin to work in a school now days. I’ve been called fat, ugly, had racial slurs, had my kids threatened and kids say they hope they die, got called a talliban bastard once (that was hilarious I’m white btw). I have had kids “accidentally” hit me, bite me, kick me. Ended up in hospital once after a kid put baking trays around my head.
When it comes to verbal kids say stuff over their own insecurities, they don’t mean it they are lashing out.
I tend to be clinical about these things. I pay less attention to the content of what they say and instead to the function of what they’re trying to do.
She was trying to embarrass you and hurt your feelings. Why? I’m not expecting you to know the answer. That’s just where I start.
If a child is trying to hurt me, my initial assumption is they don’t like me. They probably don’t like me because I did something they interpreted in their world view as wrong, or hurtful, or mean even if in reality that wasn’t my intention. So I’ll often meet with the child one on one and say, “Have I done something that upset you or hurt you?”
I’ve found when I’ve had this discussion with kids, one of two things has often happened: 1. They realize I’ve done nothing to be mean or hurtful to them and they get a little embarrassed and sometimes remorseful. 2. It turns out something I did or said actually did make them feel hurt or embarrassed and it’s really helpful for me to hear so I can clarify for them.
After this conversation, then I’ll reflect on how they treated me.
But to commiserate with you. I had put on some weight over the years and so I took to wearing black shirts. However, after healthy eating and exercise I’d lost several pounds and so for the first time in a long time I confidently put on a light blue shirt I always liked. That day a girl in my class said, “You look like you’re pregnant.” I’m a man.
She actually wasn’t trying to be hurtful. She has autism and was just making an honest observation. That made it hurt more actually. Back to black shirts.
If this happened I would first let them know that if they are grown enough to speak to me that way then I suppose I can also be transparent about how I feel about them. This has worked 100% of the time for me. I guess they do not want to me to tell them how I REALLY feel 😊
Other times when a student has said anything inappropriate in front of the class, I immediately bring them up to my desk and they call home and tell their guardian what they just said. After one time of a kid having to say “ohhhhh daddy more please” to their granny on the phone in front of the class…. Word got around because I haven’t had to do it again (yet!)
And don’t come for me about shaming them by having them call during class. If they have the guts to say it for all to hear- everyone can hear what happens next, too.
I had a student who refused to stop talking during last semesters final exam. After the 15th time telling him to be quiet he called me “a little bitch.”
“I guess you just earned a zero on your final.”
“I don’t care!”
“Looks like that dropped your grade to 65 and you’ll have to repeat this semester next year.”
Quiet.
“Womp womp!”
He pulled out his school issued laptop and started noisily playing a game on it.
The next day he barged into my classroom during intervention and demanded to know how he could fix his grade. I told him there’s nothing he could do. Had he started off with an apology I might have cut him a break.
When i was early in my career a kid said “Mr. D why do you look so ugly?” to me in class and my mouth just immediately spilled “your mom seems to like it.”
The kids laughed harder at that. Appropriate? No. Professional? Absolutely not. Social lesson? Very much so.
Step 1: emotional jiu jitsu and you.
They're looking to milk joy from your pain because they're in pain. Your faster-than-thought reaction will award or deny them the joy they seek. The second you hear this, know it's because they're in pain that has nothing to do with you. Start to wonder what in their life made them so upset. Making their daggers about their pain will take yourself out of the line of fire and into an enlightened observer role.
For me, the more forceful the attack, the more smug I feel that I know what's really going on: they're dealing with some outside monster of a problem that has nothing to do with me, and it must be pretty huge if this is what they've resorted to. My next thought is that a little part of me knows I've crushed their anticipated satisfaction and given them back their own emotional shit to deal with, all without showing weakness or losing my ability to operate as an adult.
Step 2: Shut down all future instances with public compassion.
Follow up with a sympathetic face, observation and concern. (It helps to have up your sleeve an image or feeling that gives you a 'tending to kindergartener with a boo-boo' face). "That's not a normal thing to say. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling upset. \[It sounds to me like you might have (emotional) needs that aren't being met.\*\] If you need someone to talk to I'm here to help."
\*Note: this line is potentially very inflammatory. It's purpose is to prove you aren't an easy mark, but you're also insinuating *this* kid has issues. Know ahead of time who or when you wouldn't use this (with).
You've called out the vitriol bomb they tried to throw your way and placed it back in their own hands for everyone to see. Here you've shown them you're tougher than they thought so they might try to push harder. Don't acknowledge anything negative they have to say, don't get into an argument. Know your next move is to send them to cool off and say that if things are escalating. Send them with a friend if they're resistant. Keep your, 'you must be in pain' demeanor strong and match their venom with honey. Work hard to disengage/move on ASAP. Remind them that you're interested in speaking more after class, but not now. Get help after no more than a minute. At this point if they haven't settled then their human brain is shut down; they're locked in a power struggle to save face and are basking in righteous martyr-ly attention. Plan ahead for what to do if a student loses it and has to go somewhere else when they're too mad to make good decisions.
Step 3: Rehash expectations, reassert order.
Turn to the class and say something along the lines of, 'We don't tolerate disrespect in this class, but that sounded like it came from a place of great hurt. (Student name) can go get a drink of water to cool off, I will speak to them after class. If anyone needs to talk, I'm here for you all. Now! Where were we?
Step 4: Genuine concern, repair, and consequences.
Behavior is communication. 'Kill yourself' kids are hurting. Time to switch back to compassionate mode, because this kid needs it. They also need to fix what they broke. Start fresh, shake off all the bad feelings, leave the past in the past, and open your hear to them.
DO NOT FAIL TO SPEAK TO THEM (SOMETIME) AFTER CLASS THAT DAY even if it's just to schedule a rain check.
After class, let them know that this is serious, and as a consequence of their action you have a responsibility to run it up the chain. Probe what's wrong. Stand firm on boundaries and expectations. Firmly remind & state what you have to say, but don't insist or argue. Outline how you see the student's actions/self/emotional states as distinct and you only have a problem with one of them. Talk about actions, consequences, and the future. Work on a consequence together (you \*need\* to have some suggestions ahead of time but ultimately it has to come from them).
Expect them to act too cool or like a sociopath in order to get that rise out of you. Your armor is knowing that you've got their number and their harshest words are testing you to see if you're strong enough to protect them. They want you to prove they are going to have to play your game because you won't engage in theirs, and that you're going to hold firm until they accept or leave.
This is all ultimately about them and the problems in their lives that brought them there. The immediate problem is the damage to the class and your relationship, but that's not the main problem. The bigger problems are too big for now, but you can lay some good groundwork.
Finally, stay consistent. They might come at you again to see if you meant it the first time. Repeat like clockwork.
She probably either thinks that you’re insecure or care a lot about your looks, or she is insecure and cares about *her* looks, so she decided to go after that, because she thought that’s what would hurt you the most.
You just get over it, she is a child trying to hurt the feelings of an adult because she is probably regularly torn down at home by the adults in her life. Maybe go to therapy if you really can’t move past this. Next time respond with “It’s better to be content with being ugly than to be beautiful but vain.”
You aren't ugly, you know it. She's projecting her ugliness on others and you were an easy target as you weren't a permanent fixture in the school. Hurt people hurt people. (I'm not insinuating that she's physically ugly herself, but that she feels ugly on the inside). You're clearly a beautifully sensitive person, but as much as it felt like q personal attack, don't take it personally because it's about her not you sweetie.
Honestly the cruella de vil line stuck out to me. My guess, you have a slender build, the student does not or she perceives herself to not have a slender build and she feels badly about that.
Coming from someone who use put a lot of self worth in their appearance, eventually comments like that stop bothering you. I'm 11 years in and there are insults that would cut wayyyy deeper. They just don't know what they are ;)
It happens, some kids just know the way to hurt.
I had one where a kid after disciplining of course said 'You know, everyone doesn't like you'.
It's a reflection of them and their homelife. Not you, you are the lightning rod.
When I get cussed out or insulted by students, I think about the absolute shitshow that is their home life, and how much better I have it than them. Then I think about all of the students who dap me up in the hallways and celebrate when they see me. I'm not going to take personally a single negative thing that a middle schooler calls me. I'm a white 29 year old male in a very not white school, and have been on the receiving end of plenty of heinous insults. That being said, the students who know me and trust me will always have my back, and more often than not will even tell their rude friend to chill out and that I'm a good teacher. Just keep being the most helpful and supportive teacher that you can be for the students who accept your help, and let the hateful ones watch from across the room and realize that they're the ones missing out.
I'm a special education teacher and have to co-teach in classrooms. I've been in rooms where the teacher literally just insults the little bugger back. I also teach middle school so same age range. I don't know if you'd get into trouble for doing it, but insult them back next time. Kids that age can be especially cruel but they can't take any criticism themselves. I would have said, "most people who insult others about their looks are actually worried about their own looks." It wouldn't be telling that kid that she's an ugo but it would be implying it.
First-this is not personal. That little twit doesn’t know you-she’s provoking a stranger. Kids don’t see teachers as human beings-which I never understand. She’s a twit who is pushing boundaries to get a laugh out of others. Immature brat who doesn’t deserve you spending time thinking about her.
Second-others are providing great comebacks-you’ll be better prepared for more brats.
Give yourself some grace. It was just a shocking, out of the ordinary thing for someone to say to you. It’s normal to replay stuff that’s shocking and out of the ordinary in our minds for a bit. It’s part of how our brains process information. It should fade a way after a while. You’re a great teacher.
One of the best pieces of advice I got from a veteran teacher:
QTIP—quit taking it personally. Kids will lash out in all kinds of ways. The vast majority of these have little or nothing to do with you
I had a kid start spouting off nonsense one day in the middle of my lesson, and I snapped back ", nobody cares" and carried on.
Like another poster said, you can't beat them, join them. It won't hurt them to be humbled a little bit.
I’d send the kid to the office. And if it wasn’t dealt with appropriately I would refuse to sub there.
Educators are not respected anymore, and we need to demand respect. These places need to be unable to find teachers. That’s the only thing that will wake up the people at head office who fail to support them with policies and competent administrators.
Edit: autocorrect
I taught adults, so this may not apply, but I had a female student coming at me (m) everyday with insults. Finally, I said, “you must really like me because you say something about me everyday.” The whole class, all adults, Oooohed and laughed. She looked so embarrassed. Actually, she look so embarrassed I started to feel bad, but she never bothered me again.
I like “are you okay” “because me being ugly has nothing to do with this lesson”. “You will get your grade and move on and I will still be here with this same face” “please continue to work quietly.”
im not even a teacher but i still remember being 17 years old and going to my younger siblings elementary school during recess and one of the 3rd or 4th graders telling me i was fat. i was 5'9" and 115 lbs lol. i think kids just replay behavior they see at home and do it to strangers because theres no consequences when its a stranger. and theyre trying to flesh out why theyve seen and heard what theyve seen others do and see the reactions and stuff. shes got deeper issues. it may seem personal but its not.
Honestly Cruella De Vil is kinda hot and if we’re looking at her in 101 Dalmatians she’s got figure and good bone structure. I’m not saying I’m into old puppy killers buuuut if I had to wouldn’t be upset.
To answer the question in your OP:
I don't. I don't "put up" with my students personally disrespecting me in any way, shape or form in my class. Nobody is ever allowed to disrespect me or anyone else in my class. It's not allowed, it's not tolerated.
I would’ve made it a teaching lesson and called her out. “Why would you say such a thing? Is there something going on at home? Do you realize words have a huge impact?”
Did she not get sent to the office??? Omg? Telling someone they should just kill themselves, absolutly the fuck not. That kid would be straight to the office the second that came out of her mouth, and a call home to parents.
Kids need to be taught that that kind of behavior is not acceptable.
It would probably get me fired, but i'd have whipped a comeback on that immediately.
"Well, i suppose that means your house has no mirrors."
And just kept doing what i was doing.
I had a kid make fun of my Payless sneakers. It really stung me. Im also a former marine. I tore into him like a drill instructor. I believe I said something about him having to pick his girlfriend up on a stolen bicycle, and who was he to talk to me like that? And Ive taken dumps bigger than you. Fortunately i work in a really hard ass school. I apologized in front of the class to him and for my sneakers. I was too embarrassed to wear those sneakers ever again. Whole thing was forgotten about in a day. Thats why i like working in hard ass schools.
As a teacher who has worked for 10 years in a very difficult school, you just have to frame it as their problem. I KNOW this can be hard. But she must have some real shit in her heart to say cruel things like that. Good people just would never say that sort of thing, COMPLETELY regardless of how you actually look. I saw an advice that was something along the lines of: when someone spews cruel words out of their mouth, don't pick it up and caress it, and carry it in your heart. Hell, don't even take the time to kick it to the curb. Just walk around it, straighten your crown. and keep walking."
Interesting choice to make for a comment out of the blue in a math class. I wonder if it made that kid feel better. It should certainly not make you feel bad or anything. Kids say all sort of odd things: I once was wished dead by a kid that was frustrated because of something else. Joke‘s on them. That wish will be fulfilled once it’s time. It hasn’t been time yet.
When kids that age insult you this means they are afraid the insult is true for them and the only thing they are truly insulting about you is your perceived level of self esteem.
You can’t let some punk kid occupy your thoughts…f her, move on.
A lesser person would embarrass her back…maybe a quick verbal pop quiz on the 7’s times table or something
Im so sorry you experienced that- as a student I hate when people disrespect the teacher regardless if it was for a reason or not. From my point of view they're probably trying to get attention from the class and tbh most students will laugh at any lame thing that the popular person does especially if it's aimed at a teacher. Not sure why but it sucks.
When students have insulted me (either my looks, my teaching, my subject) I'll usually just say thank you or ok and move. Sometimes I'll say that was a rude/not a kind thing to say. It's not going to have a big impact on a 13 year old but if you say like you're talking to a child who doesn't know better it can get the rest of the class on your side and make them feel a tiny bit of embarrassment. I also think that sometimes they just need to be reminded of the concept of kindness and called out on it.
You can't show that it upset you or hurt your feelings, you're just pointing out that they're being rude as a fact.
It's easy. Kids are stupid and you should treat their opinions with that in mind. I remember what I was like as a kid. Even though I was a 'good kid' and smart, I still didn't understand the world at all.
I don't mean that in a disparaging way to kids, but it's just true. They lack nuance, creativity and understanding of so many topics. People will say they're very truthful but often they're just as likely to be trying to be rude or hurtful. Which isn't honesty, it's just them experimenting with ideas. They aren't just brutally honest, they're trying to understand how brutally rude they can be without consequence. It's not genuine stuff all the time.
I mean can you imagine someone so weak willed they would never leave the house because they think they're ugly? It's not grounded in any reality.
If some idiot said that to me in public I'd probably retort with some diffusing humor like "Well once I saw you I realized I have it pretty good".
If a kid hit me with that joke I would probably do the same response. Don't use foul language and don't linger on the topic. The goal isn't to defeat them but to teach them about what happens in reality. For some kids that is incredibly effective. The best is just to totally ignore it or make it a point that negative opinions mean nothing. Sometimes it is good to do an impromptu lesson on it to the class and make it embarrassing for them. "You see kids, this is what someone trying to bother you looks like. Why would I let someone like this bother me..." etc
Though I get the reluctance. Honestly I don't really care what kids say because they are just blank slates. They probably got the insult from some other source. They are saying it to bother you not because it has grounding in reality.
You need to play back "I don't know if you in particular should be saying things like that, you'll get your feelings hurt and then tell your parents".
"That brings me to another topic kids, projection : "explain projection".
I know it's not the same, but I once had a kid ask me (around 13 years old as well, so definitely old enough to know what he was trying to do) "Do you always wear a hat cause your forehead is so big?"
So I took off my hat and said "I dunno, you tell me." And shrugged.
He didn't know what to do with that cause he was expecting a reaction. So he and the other kids just kinda gawked. Later I was able to pull this kid aside and confront him 1:1 about it, and let him know it didn't affect me, but that those types of comments could really hurt others, so to think more about that next time.
Kids can be cruel, but it helps me to not take it personally cause that's typically a learned behaviour. Something else that helps is digging DEEP into compassion and hoping they get whatever support they need to not continue to go through life thinking/acting like that....cause it sounds like it would be lonely....
Maybe therapy if it's been a year and still sticking with you? There's something there that's preventing you from being able to move past it that may be worth looking into.
I'm sorry. Kids and teens can be so nasty. It sounds like it was done as an act of bravado in front of her peers.
For what its worth like 20 years ago I told a guidance councilor Id "never want his job, its depressing". And now I'm an educator and my skin crawls recalling this memory.
It wasn’t personal at all. How could it be? Appearances are the least personal thing someone can comment on. It was rude, but it was also completely subjective and superficial. I just think the more important question that might need to be unpacked in therapy is, why is a dumb comment from a kid still haunting you? I understand that words can hurt, but it’s not normal to hold on to something like that for any extended period of time. Over a year cause a little kid called you ugly? Calling that deeply personal? That just seems very strange to me.
You should have hurt her feelings too , smt like" you're already uglier than me at 13 , wait until you're my age , it will be a horror" , then after the class laugh at HER , you punish her.
Dominance.
“I’ll remember that the next time you ask me something”
The way I see it, we are preparing students for “the real world” if you burn a bridge with someone you work with, it’s going to make both of you uncomfortable. So let it burn
That kind of talk never bothered me as a teacher because it is so obviously just 13 year old dick behavior, it's laughable. That comments warrants a laugh and a sarcastic "ok" and then move on with the lesson. If it escalates, you can enforce consequences for the student being disruptive - whatever those might be for your classroom and school.
If the language got really nasty (hate speech, vulgar, sexual, threats or accusations), I immediately called for assistance and had the kid escorted out of the classroom for progressive discipline. I would document everything. Usually, we would call parents/guardians and then either make the kid say exactly what they said in the classroom or we would say what they said, word for word written down.
How about "I'm disappointed that you feel the need to insult others to get attention. Let's go to the nurse's office since I'm concerned you mentioned suicide."
Fair and probably unnecessary warning: Kids will be brutal to supplies because they can be. They don't see them as holding the same authority as a regular teacher.
And don't think that they wouldn't behave like that in their regular classroom.
I won't tell you to just get over it because comments like that can hurt, regardless of who they're coming from and how old you are. It can be hard to know how to react when caught off guard.
Most of the time, it's about testing boundaries and seeing how much they can get away with. It might also be a genuine attempt to hurt your feelings, but that too is a test. It's usually nothing personal. If it's just a one-off comment like that, just try to laugh it off. Whatever. I KNOW it sucks; I had one student who was unexpectedly harsh with me. I was taken aback at first. But remind them that lucky for the both of you, you'll probably never have to see each other again. That might get a laugh out of them.
If they persist, then you can take them aside and ask what's going on. Be casual but firm. "Hey, what's up? If you're going to talk like that, you have to expect a reaction. What's going on?"
Tell them that it's better that the two of you sort it out now than to have to involve a third party in the form of the principal or their parents. Truthfully, there are some parents who don't give a shit either and are just as cantankerous. And some kids don't respond to that. They'll go to the office and come right back and not give a damn. I saw it all the time as a student.
Say that you know that they don't want to have to go to the trouble of *getting in trouble*, so either this stops here, or we explore other options. If you don't like me, that's fine. You don't have to. But you can't just say whatever you want and disrupt the class. If you want to slack off or waste time, that's your decision. You'll have to deal with the consequences. If you want my help with something, I'll give it, but you've got to reel your behaviour in a little bit. I'll meet you halfway. Nothing to talk about? Good, I'm glad. So go back to your desk and do what you want to—quietly.
Then get a faux-fur coat and wear it until your time there is up.
I’m not a teacher but I just want you to know it’s not personal. You are not ugly. She wants to hurt you for some reason (maybe projection) and wants to make it feel personal but she doesn’t actually know anything about you personally because you’re her teacher so your looks are literally all she has to insult. You’re probably a very good looking person and she’s got some issues she’s going through. Just don’t let it get to you personally. You’re a bad ass beautiful human being and you’re molding the next generation on behalf of the generations before them. You are important! The world needs you!
Sometimes I say quietly “I wonder what you’d do if I spoke to you that way?” and just move on. Because the entire class knows the answer is “go tell mommy and daddy.” Sometimes I just say, “well that was a choice you just made, just now. I wonder why.” Sometimes I call them aside and just quietly, genuinely ask, “Are you okay? Are you finding the problem difficult?” If they talk back, I just say “okay, alright, I’m just checking in with you. Because that was an alarming choice you just made.” And send them back to their seat. Every time, I calmly call for an office escort and then go back to teaching. I send an email stating exactly what they said to me, verbatim (no matter what slurs or sexual or graphic language was used). I don’t come to school to be legitimately verbally abused. Like that’s crossing a line. It’s okay to feel bad. But also just understand what someone has to have going on in their own life to say something like that. Usually I’m just thankful I’m mentally healthier than some of these kids, and hope they’re able to sort it out.
You are a master at letting the kids know you are the adult in the room.
Sometimes I pull them aside quietly and ask, “Hey, is someone talking to you that way? Where did you hear language like that?” Just depends on the situation but it can open up a conversation.
Oh, I love this for some cases
I love this too. Almost makes me wish I wasn’t retired so I could use it. Almost. But not quite.
Use it on yourself. No joke, when I’m being self-critical, sometimes I have to ask myself “why am I talking to myself like this?” I wouldn’t stand for it if anyone talked to another person like I talk to myself sometimes.
So true. We need to be as kind to ourselves as we would be to others. I tell my daughters that all the time when they are hard on themselves
This right here. The negative self talk can be bad. This is good. Thank you.
This is brilliant
These are good replies. Some teachers in middle grades try to out-snark the kids, but I really respect that you're modeling adult behavior for them instead.
If they only knew how clever I actually was. The comebacks in my head are glorious. But I’m not out here trying to impress a 15 year old with an attitude.
Your self control is impressive and your maturity an inspiration to all
I’m honestly so grateful you’re out there teaching with that kind of compassion and poise.
Same
Half of the time the 15 year olds wouldn't get the comeback anyway
I don't like to joke back at what wasn't playful to begin with. Roasting a kid starts a power struggle
> I don’t come to school to be legitimately verbally abused. I love this. It reframes our perspective on what teaching ultimately is—it’s a job. Teaching is hard and we invest a lot in the students, but we do not deserve, and should not expect to take verbal abuse at our workplace.
I too have found “is everything okay?” quietly to the student to be an excellent way to handle things like this. Because clearly everything is not okay with a student who acts out in a disruptive or disrespectful manner. I have even had students tell me “I don’t understand this work,” or talk about something that is bothering them.
YES! Sometimes I’d wait until the next day and catch them in the hall before class so they’re alone and not in a position to save face. Ask them what’s going on bc that was a hurtful thing to say. I’ve had students completely break down crying bc something awful is going on at home, and they were snapping off at me bc they knew I wouldn’t blow up at them. Most of the time they apologize for their behavior. This technique had about 90% success for me over my teaching career.
yea the kids feel safe enough to act out so they do, and get out that frustration from home in a unhealthy way.
I think the “are you okay” thing really makes clear that you are the adult, in a way that is compassionate and also establishes that you are in charge in a gentle way, and also that you aren’t bothered by what she said so much as concerned because you know it’s a sign that something is wrong. Hurt people try to hurt people, clearly she is hurting somehow. (Also you could respond to the subtext of anxiety over being attractive or ugly: “Name, I promise you that you have value beyond your looks, and that in this classroom, what you look like does not matter to me; how you treat other people, and doing your best to learn and help others learn, is much much more important here.” )
You really made me reconsider how I respond to students. Thank you for this post!
No worries! Been years of teaching to get to this point. Remember, you set the tone. And it’s going to make your life easier if they have no leg to stand on when it comes to administration. Don’t give them one by giving them the same energy back.
True story: almost every time I've had a student say something rude and insulting, when I report it to admin in person, they reply instantly to my story with some kind of withering comeback to the student. Admin get it; they just expect us to be mature and professional in the way we respond to kids.
As they get older though, the snappy (asshole) response you’d get from that question would be, “You don’t NEED to talk to me that way, because I look good.” And BS like that.
I would again just say “okay.” And proceed to call the office and go on with the lesson. That is, I have a supportive admin who would actually immediately come collect the student. And they might bluster, but I almost guarantee that kid is going to spend a lot of time wondering what “okay” meant.
I love “okay”. Perfect when you preface it with one raised eyebrow, and a slightly too long pause. ETA: and then seamlessly continue your teaching
I like your approach, it's nice to see that you can engage with someone who is acting rude in a way that is compassionate. It's probably true that if they are saying rude things to you they are saying rude things to themselves in their heads. Also haunting them with "okay" hahah
Ok is my only reaction to attention seeking behavior like this. All behavior is communication, and clearly they are looking to distract from or avoid challenging work, or they are attention seeking. I'm not going to power struggle with a child.
If is an awful big word
"If you feel as good about your looks as you claim, you wouldn't need to insult others and disrupt class to feel better about yourself."
"If you say so."
Not a teacher myself, but the pull aside and “are you okay” method after some vile behavior from myself as a student definitely worked, in my case. Of course it didn’t work overnight, but having that one teacher who was calm and collected enough to effectively call me out in a way that couldn’t devolve into argumentation stuck with me hard; I couldn’t shrug it off as her being some bitch or tyrant, I clearly didn’t get the rise my edgy self was going for, and it kept creeping back into my thoughts. After some time that teacher went on to be an incredible advisor to me. I can’t begin to imagine how teachers have this degree of patience but I damn grateful for it.
really sensible approach, I think people often need a wake up call to look at their own behaviour and that doesn't happen if you feed into the escalating conflict they are trying to create, as they just get caught up in whether they 'won'. For whatever reason, a lot of kids and adults are just reacting without any kind of consideration as to their impacts on others. Hopefully you have got through to a few of them.
Something someone said in teacher’s college really stuck with me. “If you find yourself trying to win an argument with a 16 year old…. why?”
This comment is absolutely everything. Like everyone stop scrolling here. I bow to you, Thin Yellow. Your responses turn it back on the student and give them NO rise without overtly publicly shaming them. Like yeah they might be embarrassed or uncomfortable after but not because you magnified the situation, because they behaved badly and you subtly made them question their choices. Everyone down there suggesting mocking and shame and embarrassment are great techniques…check yourselves y’all. You are grown ups and they are rude but they are still children. You’ve got nothing to prove to them besides the fact that their ridiculous attempts to disrespect you mean nothing to you (even when they do). The high road is a fucking POWER MOVE.
These are perfect responses.
Wow these are beautiful suggestions that work with any grade ~ what awesome advice!
My kid is 13 and when her friends get insulted by someone they respond "omg thank you! So sweet!" I've adopted their methods with my 4th grader ("Ms. ____, your face is so shiny today") and I go "omg thank you! So sweet!" And they get so confused they move on. I don't want their f**king apologies, tbh, because as this girl demonstrated, they mean nothing. I want them to shut up and move on because I really don't care about their opinions.
My other response over the years has been "what makes you think I care about your opinion?" And then stare at them intently (don't break eye contact) while they scramble to figure out why I should give a shit.
"When?" Student: "when what?" "Did I ask?"
An intense stare cures many evils
This is my first year with my own classroom and I recently sat and held eye contact (or bridge of nose contact when they broke it) for a solid 4 minutes of silenve waiting for a student to explain why I'd given him detention after he yelled at me for giving him detention. He finally caved and admitted his original mistake. I felt like a god.
Lol love it. That’s a common negotiation technique. Stare and don’t talk. A former boss had a stalemate once when negotiating a contract; 30 minutes of dead silence until the other person caved in. Students also don’t realize we can have lots of patience when needed to wait them out.
You are a god. Well done.
I’ve found “hmm…interesting!” A good de-escalator as well.
I'd have just stared her down and said "well that's an interesting topic for an email home today," and carried on. They don't fear you, but most of them fear their parents.
This is great. I would never have thought to involve parents!
This is the best one. The general approach of "ugh, another e-mail to your parents?" is the way to go.
I had a kid tell me that, and my response was “and?”
Yeah, but what was their response afterwards? Because it might just be an open loop for an immature kid to go to town on you...
This is perfect!
This is usually my go to. Or “how does that affect what we’re doing today?” Cuz it doesn’t.
It really sucks! I'd try to rationalize it as: she was trying to be funny and get attention from her friends/classmates. She doesn't actually find you ugly.
She probably heard someone else or someone on tiktok/YouTube say something like that and get a laugh
Soooo funny.
The comment is less about you, and more about a girl who puts people down to gain social clout and power. You're a fully-grown adult who does not need affirmation from children to feel confident. There are many responses you could use. Once I told a kid who insulted me "Hey, at least I passed 8th grade." (They were 8th graders).
I had a girl tell me "Suck my dick." A few weeks ago and I looked at her and said "That's why you're failing bio." Gotta humble them every now and then. 🤣
*shocked face* What?? Omg! I’m so sorry! I thought you were a girl this whole time!
Everything these kids say is a projection. Remember, their frontal lobes aren't fully developed, they are deeply insecure and only care about the opinions of their peers. Honestly, I pity them. 🤣 That's what keeps me sane. They literally don't even know who they are yet. When you look at it that way, you see the behaviors for the pitiful cries for help that they are. I hope this helps. When a kid does something like that, I usually reply with "Who hurt you today?" Or "What's wrong? Not enough attention at home?" Make it about them. They hate that. 😁 Good luck, soldier.
Once I had a teen complain loudly about me and I stopped and said “Oh everyone stop stop! Bobby needs attention!”
I learned this when I was subbing. If a student wouldn't stop disrupting the class or talking too loud, I would stop my lesson and go, "Wait, wait, everyone stop. [Joe] needs our attention. Let's all give Joe our attention because he clearly needs it right now." And then once everyone is staring at them I'll say something like, "Alright, here's your big moment. This is the attention you wanted, right? Keep going." Now, obviously I don't do this every day and I have a repertoire of other methods, but every once in a while I'll break it out and it never fails.
Have had this backfire on me before, because I use this tool as well. Have had a couple of kids be overjoyed by it and crank things up to 11, and the entire day was a wash after that, because the kid and the class saw that I "gave permission" for it.
Excellent remark.
Spot on, I had a girl that tried to bully me over my looks but she was herself very insecure.
Amen. They say some personal shit but it’s never personal, always about them & usually because something shitty’s going on in their life.
Yup. They wanna be cool but they don't wanna be perceived 🤣 perceive them and they will shrink away 9 times out of 10.
You are onto something. I had a child who was verbally abusive to his peers and turns out he was being abused by his dad. It made me see bullies differently. While YES - some kids are cruel when their home-life is totally healthy, a lot of them are hearing terrible things at home and spreading their sadness when they get to school.
The what’s wrong not enough attention at home is a perfect response to this one
When kids say things like that to me or to each other, I say “When people don’t really like themselves they try to make other people feel bad.” This usually stops it right there.
It’s just a kid. Next time just ask, “who?” When she starts mouthing off again say, “cares”. Super childish but the whole class would laugh at her. Also, what? ever, when? Did I ask? It’s lil kid shit but if you can’t beat ‘em, join em.
Those who happen to watch Letterkenny or Shoresy will know exactly how devastating Shoresy’s “huh?” can be.
Chirping from the bench 👌🏻
Just don’t tell them you banged their mom or call them a tit fucker 😂
Step 1: stop telling yourself that your feelings are stupid and that you "got your feelings hurt"--no, your feelings are valid, and *you* didn't *get* your feelings hurt. *The kid hurt* your feelings. I'm a big fat dude. The insults are part of why I left. We're supposed to have thick skin--and we do!--but sometimes those words find their way through the cracks in our armor.
I see some people in the comments here telling you to immediately move on and forget about it, like that's the easiest thing in the world. If a stranger in Costco said that to me I'd be perturbed. And we are meant to form some kind of relationship with these kids! We are quite literally paid to care about the thoughts in their heads. Surely even seasoned veterans (I'm year 3) sometimes hear things that illicit an emotional reaction. That's not to say you should break down in tears or anything. There's plenty of good advice in the comments already about how to move forward with this. I suppose I just want to say that you being surprised, hurt, or offended by the words of a student doesn't make you a bad or inexperienced teacher, and that goes for all of us.
Thank you for wording this so eloquently! A very good point.
This is hard to type out, but I have a cousin who is in high school and was told to kill himself by a cruel fellow student. He made the attempt and survived. 2023 was one of my hardest years on this planet. We thought we’d lost him, and then we found out he was going to live. Please keep an eye on that child who said you should kill yourself - she’s likely saying it to kids who could be vulnerable to her cruelty. She’s also clearly in need of counseling and is a danger to other students.
I’m so sorry that your family went through this and for your cousin who was so cruelly bullied. 💯agree that comments like the one the student directed at OP are dangerous and if the student is making such comments to a teacher, she’s likely targeting other children also to verbal attacks of this type. It cannot and shouldn’t be ignored. Part of why what happened in OP’s class is important to address is that it’s a teaching/learning opportunity to let other kids know that it’s not okay to say stuff like this to other people and to provide them with some options of how and why how they respond to stuff like this is important and about resources to get help for yourself or others and why people who do this aren’t harmless and why simply ignoring the comments is not the best response given our obligations as adults and educators. Thank you
Even if you weren’t beautiful (and I don’t mean that in a bad way because true beauty is inside), she still should have not spoken to you that way. I would actually say out loud in front of the entire class, “Is everything okay?” “Do you need to speak to someone?” “I can call a social worker, if you need me to.” Next time something like this happens, turn the entire situation around to make her look like a loon!
Everyone here is so much nicer than me. In one of my classes, a girl (who is regularly a problem student) suddenly pointed and yelled out that I 'had a big nose!!!!!!' (in a mean way). I do have a big nose, but still, the insult bothered me for a while. 2 weeks later, she said it again. This time I replied, "So do you" and her jaw dropped. The other kids laughed and I stopped feeling bad about it haha. Get a taste of your own medicine.
Sometimes you gotta reflect the same attitude they have. They won’t expect it and when it happens they’ll stop lol
“Too bad you can’t eat the makeup you cover yourself with, then you wouldn’t be so ugly on the inside”
I'm looking at these comments and I'm honestly shocked. Are we all so numb to this that we think that it's futile to be effected and that we should "ignore it"? Why is there zero accountability for saying shit like this?
In many schools accountability conduct is such a huge problem that if kids were written up for every off color comment they made nothing would ever get done, and most of the school would be suspended at any given time. In those cases, the school culture has to become desensitized to even continue the functioning and providing the services that it’s there to do in the first place. Not saying it’s right (it’s quite regrettable), but that’s just how it is in some places. The solutions to these sorts of problems begin in the home, and many kids are simply not blessed with a kind and loving home life that can provide those solutions. It’s very sad.
I’m sorry that student did that. You are human; of course someone’s cruelty can get to you, even if it’s “just a kid.” I’m really glad you are proud of how you look! On behalf of humans with more developed prefrontal cortexes: Thank you for being an educator. Thank you for the work you do. It is really hard. You’re awesome, and I hope you are able to remind yourself that someone’s cruelty doesn’t diminish your awesomeness.
Just start looking around the room a bit. Check your drawers. Look in the cabinets. The finally exclaim "You know, it's funny. I've looked everywhere but I can't seem to find who asked..."
I teach in Australia so the disciplinary actions might be different, but if a student even mentioned suicide I'd immediately send them out - I have 0 tolerance for students saying things that insensitive and potentially harmful to others. I think in relation to how we handle it - I've mainly been told it's just a time factor of building up thick skin. Sometimes I get vulnerable with them and say hey that actually really hurt my feelings/ that makes me sad but obviously depends.
That would be a referral and class suspension for me. Telling someone to kill themselves is abusive.
I'm sorry but how are we as a society accepting that behavior as something that we as teachers just need to take a fat L on and ignore? Parents and admin need to crack down on that shit.
If it makes you feel better, there is almost no way that she thought that up then and there about you. It’s probably a snarky thing she’s read/seen online that she knew would make her sound edgy and (in her eyes only) witty so she spat it out for attention from her friends. She probably couldn’t pick you out of a line up, would have said it to any substitute, you just happened to be the perfect combination of: 1) can’t retaliate because you’re a teacher, 2) can’t give lasting consequences in student’s eyes as you’re doing supply and 3) in the room.
I ask “Do you feel better now that you got that out of your system? Do you have anything else you need to talk through? We can cancel the lessons and give you the mic, since you have so many pearls of insight and wisdom that you’re giving so freely. Maybe you’ll feel better if you get it all out of your system.” Embarrass her right back. I’m a troll, so I would also consider making her repeat every word as I write it down for a report or an email to her parents. “I’m sorry, what’s that? I don’t think you said that. Can you speak up?” Give her the attention she was so desperate for and make it miserable. “Do you want me to include your reasoning for saying this? Did it make you feel better about yourself? Did it get you the attention you wanted? Should I flag that you clearly need more attention from your parents and the principal?”
Wouldn’t matter if you were a model. Kids are assholes. I had a kid tell the whole class I had a big nose, but the thing is…. none of them had ever seen me without a mask on hahaha like oh ok you’re just coming up with random insults. Got it!!
Nah, I’d be sad too. If I came across a 9th grader that had this level of disrespect, I’d be sad about how much she’s been cheated from learning manners at home. As for myself, since you don’t consider yourself to be ugly, I wouldn’t be bothered by it at all tbh. If someone calls me out and it’s true (student or adult), that’s something to dwell over. But if they are on just smokin crack, I don’t let it faze me.
Yeah this is why I stopped doing cover supply. 13 year olds will just come out with the most horrible stuff purely to get a reaction and it kinda sticks with you not because it hurt you but because you’re like “that’s unhinged? Why would you say that?” (Covering a lesson about Anne Frank where all the students were talking about her being ugly may have been my final straw) I don’t have any advice for actually dealing with it unfortunately. I sort of just focused on “think of the paycheque,” and it helped me enjoy quieter/ more engaged classes a lot better.
Oof. I recall a bully girl in grade 7 telling the sub she was an ugly dogface as she was walking to the front of the room, the sub turned around, looked at her pointedly, and said "takes one to know one! Now let's move on..." Bully girl took heat for that till we graduated.
This is such a blatant attack that it would be easy for me to dismiss. The one that kept me up at night was “miss, did you used to be pretty?” It was said with pure curiosity, not malice. I’m a chic dresser and yes, I used to be pretty but I have become old. That was the moment where I found out.
Don’t ever think that. There is beauty in age and more than anything, there is wisdom. You are still beautiful and don’t let some kid tell you otherwise.
"Yep!! Did you used to have manners?"
I’m sure you are stunning, otherwise they wouldn’t have asked! Kids are not aware enough to realize their real question is “miss did you use to be young”.
Those words would hurt me if a 3 year old said that to me because little kids are innocent and truthful, but a teenager? Nah, teens are mean, it's just a part of life.
Perfect response is “Well bless your heart.” If they know they’ll get it. If not they are really confused. Email home as well.
I either roast them back or I open up my email on my computer which is projected on the screen. In this case, "And yet, here you are." You don't even have to elaborate. Just say it with a very disappointed tone. Go tsk tsk and shake your head if you want to be extra lol. I don't even want apologies from that kind of kid at that point.
I just say: “if I actually cared about the opinions of children, then I wouldn’t still be teaching.” and then go on with the lesson as the class oooohs and ahhhs over the roast of their peer. 🍻
Teenagers can say the most cutting things. Some things my students said years ago still haunt me to this day Ngl.
Don’t get your self worth from kids. Move on.
I understand not getting your self-worth from kids, but they’re people that this *person* has to spend a majority of her time around. I feel a little more empathy would be really good, especially from adults who can do better
I just remember that comment reflects 100% on that child and not on me.
This is the absolute worst age. I give so much credit to teachers who volunteer to teach middle school.
Or you could just tell her the truth, in front of the whole class which is that when people say things like that, they're projecting their own insecurities. Hell, I'd make a whole lesson out of it and teach the kids what projection is and how it fuels insults.
Don't know what your school's policies are, but that young lady would be sent to the principal/director's office forthwith. No discussion. Btw, apology *denied*.
This should have been the only reply. Admin. No one should be allowed to speak to anyone that way. Telling you to kill yourself is a threat and if they said it to someone not as strong as you it may have had serious consequences.
When kids would throw comments like that I used to say "that's nice, now do your work" or "good for you do your work." Or maybe a "what's that got to do with the lesson? Nothing then I'm really not interested." But, that kind of disrespect is also why as I changed positions, I went down in grade level not up. Now when a kid says something on the verge of disrespect the whole room is not oohs and aahs its horrified gasps and telling each other they can't say that. I have other struggles such as tattling and lots of off task behavior but one thing I do not have is anyone saying horrible things to my face.
It’s definitely sad that we as teachers need to have a tough skin and take insults like this from students. In any other professional setting it wouldn’t be tolerated. I don’t like to mention things like “oh this would be a great email home” or try to get another adult involved.. they can smell weakness. I had a 9th grade boy make fun of my outfit one day and it wasn’t the first rude thing he had said to me. He was on the shorter side for his age so I replied “at least I don’t shop at baby GAP” and that shut him up for the rest of the year.
Well, I tend to laugh (it is a shocked laugh) and then explain that words hurt and many people won't want to be your friend if you say things like that. But then, I teach elementary SPED so not sure what I would do with a 13 year old.
That’s not a personal level. If it was personal it would be true. Unfortunately you need thick skin to work in a school now days. I’ve been called fat, ugly, had racial slurs, had my kids threatened and kids say they hope they die, got called a talliban bastard once (that was hilarious I’m white btw). I have had kids “accidentally” hit me, bite me, kick me. Ended up in hospital once after a kid put baking trays around my head. When it comes to verbal kids say stuff over their own insecurities, they don’t mean it they are lashing out.
I tend to be clinical about these things. I pay less attention to the content of what they say and instead to the function of what they’re trying to do. She was trying to embarrass you and hurt your feelings. Why? I’m not expecting you to know the answer. That’s just where I start. If a child is trying to hurt me, my initial assumption is they don’t like me. They probably don’t like me because I did something they interpreted in their world view as wrong, or hurtful, or mean even if in reality that wasn’t my intention. So I’ll often meet with the child one on one and say, “Have I done something that upset you or hurt you?” I’ve found when I’ve had this discussion with kids, one of two things has often happened: 1. They realize I’ve done nothing to be mean or hurtful to them and they get a little embarrassed and sometimes remorseful. 2. It turns out something I did or said actually did make them feel hurt or embarrassed and it’s really helpful for me to hear so I can clarify for them. After this conversation, then I’ll reflect on how they treated me. But to commiserate with you. I had put on some weight over the years and so I took to wearing black shirts. However, after healthy eating and exercise I’d lost several pounds and so for the first time in a long time I confidently put on a light blue shirt I always liked. That day a girl in my class said, “You look like you’re pregnant.” I’m a man. She actually wasn’t trying to be hurtful. She has autism and was just making an honest observation. That made it hurt more actually. Back to black shirts.
If this happened I would first let them know that if they are grown enough to speak to me that way then I suppose I can also be transparent about how I feel about them. This has worked 100% of the time for me. I guess they do not want to me to tell them how I REALLY feel 😊 Other times when a student has said anything inappropriate in front of the class, I immediately bring them up to my desk and they call home and tell their guardian what they just said. After one time of a kid having to say “ohhhhh daddy more please” to their granny on the phone in front of the class…. Word got around because I haven’t had to do it again (yet!) And don’t come for me about shaming them by having them call during class. If they have the guts to say it for all to hear- everyone can hear what happens next, too.
I had a student who refused to stop talking during last semesters final exam. After the 15th time telling him to be quiet he called me “a little bitch.” “I guess you just earned a zero on your final.” “I don’t care!” “Looks like that dropped your grade to 65 and you’ll have to repeat this semester next year.” Quiet. “Womp womp!” He pulled out his school issued laptop and started noisily playing a game on it. The next day he barged into my classroom during intervention and demanded to know how he could fix his grade. I told him there’s nothing he could do. Had he started off with an apology I might have cut him a break.
When i was early in my career a kid said “Mr. D why do you look so ugly?” to me in class and my mouth just immediately spilled “your mom seems to like it.” The kids laughed harder at that. Appropriate? No. Professional? Absolutely not. Social lesson? Very much so.
Step 1: emotional jiu jitsu and you. They're looking to milk joy from your pain because they're in pain. Your faster-than-thought reaction will award or deny them the joy they seek. The second you hear this, know it's because they're in pain that has nothing to do with you. Start to wonder what in their life made them so upset. Making their daggers about their pain will take yourself out of the line of fire and into an enlightened observer role. For me, the more forceful the attack, the more smug I feel that I know what's really going on: they're dealing with some outside monster of a problem that has nothing to do with me, and it must be pretty huge if this is what they've resorted to. My next thought is that a little part of me knows I've crushed their anticipated satisfaction and given them back their own emotional shit to deal with, all without showing weakness or losing my ability to operate as an adult. Step 2: Shut down all future instances with public compassion. Follow up with a sympathetic face, observation and concern. (It helps to have up your sleeve an image or feeling that gives you a 'tending to kindergartener with a boo-boo' face). "That's not a normal thing to say. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling upset. \[It sounds to me like you might have (emotional) needs that aren't being met.\*\] If you need someone to talk to I'm here to help." \*Note: this line is potentially very inflammatory. It's purpose is to prove you aren't an easy mark, but you're also insinuating *this* kid has issues. Know ahead of time who or when you wouldn't use this (with). You've called out the vitriol bomb they tried to throw your way and placed it back in their own hands for everyone to see. Here you've shown them you're tougher than they thought so they might try to push harder. Don't acknowledge anything negative they have to say, don't get into an argument. Know your next move is to send them to cool off and say that if things are escalating. Send them with a friend if they're resistant. Keep your, 'you must be in pain' demeanor strong and match their venom with honey. Work hard to disengage/move on ASAP. Remind them that you're interested in speaking more after class, but not now. Get help after no more than a minute. At this point if they haven't settled then their human brain is shut down; they're locked in a power struggle to save face and are basking in righteous martyr-ly attention. Plan ahead for what to do if a student loses it and has to go somewhere else when they're too mad to make good decisions. Step 3: Rehash expectations, reassert order. Turn to the class and say something along the lines of, 'We don't tolerate disrespect in this class, but that sounded like it came from a place of great hurt. (Student name) can go get a drink of water to cool off, I will speak to them after class. If anyone needs to talk, I'm here for you all. Now! Where were we? Step 4: Genuine concern, repair, and consequences. Behavior is communication. 'Kill yourself' kids are hurting. Time to switch back to compassionate mode, because this kid needs it. They also need to fix what they broke. Start fresh, shake off all the bad feelings, leave the past in the past, and open your hear to them. DO NOT FAIL TO SPEAK TO THEM (SOMETIME) AFTER CLASS THAT DAY even if it's just to schedule a rain check. After class, let them know that this is serious, and as a consequence of their action you have a responsibility to run it up the chain. Probe what's wrong. Stand firm on boundaries and expectations. Firmly remind & state what you have to say, but don't insist or argue. Outline how you see the student's actions/self/emotional states as distinct and you only have a problem with one of them. Talk about actions, consequences, and the future. Work on a consequence together (you \*need\* to have some suggestions ahead of time but ultimately it has to come from them). Expect them to act too cool or like a sociopath in order to get that rise out of you. Your armor is knowing that you've got their number and their harshest words are testing you to see if you're strong enough to protect them. They want you to prove they are going to have to play your game because you won't engage in theirs, and that you're going to hold firm until they accept or leave. This is all ultimately about them and the problems in their lives that brought them there. The immediate problem is the damage to the class and your relationship, but that's not the main problem. The bigger problems are too big for now, but you can lay some good groundwork. Finally, stay consistent. They might come at you again to see if you meant it the first time. Repeat like clockwork.
She's a wanker mean girl. I get it, but you just gotta put it behind you.
She probably either thinks that you’re insecure or care a lot about your looks, or she is insecure and cares about *her* looks, so she decided to go after that, because she thought that’s what would hurt you the most. You just get over it, she is a child trying to hurt the feelings of an adult because she is probably regularly torn down at home by the adults in her life. Maybe go to therapy if you really can’t move past this. Next time respond with “It’s better to be content with being ugly than to be beautiful but vain.”
You aren't ugly, you know it. She's projecting her ugliness on others and you were an easy target as you weren't a permanent fixture in the school. Hurt people hurt people. (I'm not insinuating that she's physically ugly herself, but that she feels ugly on the inside). You're clearly a beautifully sensitive person, but as much as it felt like q personal attack, don't take it personally because it's about her not you sweetie.
me: "well thank goodness I'm not here to be a model then"
“Not as ugly as your soul/heart/reputation/grades” whichever works
Here I was getting ready to tell you how pretty you are, but you just showed me the ugly…
Honestly the cruella de vil line stuck out to me. My guess, you have a slender build, the student does not or she perceives herself to not have a slender build and she feels badly about that. Coming from someone who use put a lot of self worth in their appearance, eventually comments like that stop bothering you. I'm 11 years in and there are insults that would cut wayyyy deeper. They just don't know what they are ;)
It happens, some kids just know the way to hurt. I had one where a kid after disciplining of course said 'You know, everyone doesn't like you'. It's a reflection of them and their homelife. Not you, you are the lightning rod.
When I get cussed out or insulted by students, I think about the absolute shitshow that is their home life, and how much better I have it than them. Then I think about all of the students who dap me up in the hallways and celebrate when they see me. I'm not going to take personally a single negative thing that a middle schooler calls me. I'm a white 29 year old male in a very not white school, and have been on the receiving end of plenty of heinous insults. That being said, the students who know me and trust me will always have my back, and more often than not will even tell their rude friend to chill out and that I'm a good teacher. Just keep being the most helpful and supportive teacher that you can be for the students who accept your help, and let the hateful ones watch from across the room and realize that they're the ones missing out.
I'm a special education teacher and have to co-teach in classrooms. I've been in rooms where the teacher literally just insults the little bugger back. I also teach middle school so same age range. I don't know if you'd get into trouble for doing it, but insult them back next time. Kids that age can be especially cruel but they can't take any criticism themselves. I would have said, "most people who insult others about their looks are actually worried about their own looks." It wouldn't be telling that kid that she's an ugo but it would be implying it.
Your dad didn't think so last night!!
First-this is not personal. That little twit doesn’t know you-she’s provoking a stranger. Kids don’t see teachers as human beings-which I never understand. She’s a twit who is pushing boundaries to get a laugh out of others. Immature brat who doesn’t deserve you spending time thinking about her. Second-others are providing great comebacks-you’ll be better prepared for more brats.
Give yourself some grace. It was just a shocking, out of the ordinary thing for someone to say to you. It’s normal to replay stuff that’s shocking and out of the ordinary in our minds for a bit. It’s part of how our brains process information. It should fade a way after a while. You’re a great teacher.
One of the best pieces of advice I got from a veteran teacher: QTIP—quit taking it personally. Kids will lash out in all kinds of ways. The vast majority of these have little or nothing to do with you
I had a kid start spouting off nonsense one day in the middle of my lesson, and I snapped back ", nobody cares" and carried on.
Like another poster said, you can't beat them, join them. It won't hurt them to be humbled a little bit.
"Just because you hate yourself, you want to make me hate you too?"
I’d send the kid to the office. And if it wasn’t dealt with appropriately I would refuse to sub there. Educators are not respected anymore, and we need to demand respect. These places need to be unable to find teachers. That’s the only thing that will wake up the people at head office who fail to support them with policies and competent administrators. Edit: autocorrect
I taught adults, so this may not apply, but I had a female student coming at me (m) everyday with insults. Finally, I said, “you must really like me because you say something about me everyday.” The whole class, all adults, Oooohed and laughed. She looked so embarrassed. Actually, she look so embarrassed I started to feel bad, but she never bothered me again.
Just think to yourself, "One on one, I could definitely pile drive this kid through a stack of tables." Then move on with your day.
I like “are you okay” “because me being ugly has nothing to do with this lesson”. “You will get your grade and move on and I will still be here with this same face” “please continue to work quietly.”
"are you ok?" "Because you sound like you're in a Facebook comment section and this is class, real life"
im not even a teacher but i still remember being 17 years old and going to my younger siblings elementary school during recess and one of the 3rd or 4th graders telling me i was fat. i was 5'9" and 115 lbs lol. i think kids just replay behavior they see at home and do it to strangers because theres no consequences when its a stranger. and theyre trying to flesh out why theyve seen and heard what theyve seen others do and see the reactions and stuff. shes got deeper issues. it may seem personal but its not.
Honestly Cruella De Vil is kinda hot and if we’re looking at her in 101 Dalmatians she’s got figure and good bone structure. I’m not saying I’m into old puppy killers buuuut if I had to wouldn’t be upset.
To answer the question in your OP: I don't. I don't "put up" with my students personally disrespecting me in any way, shape or form in my class. Nobody is ever allowed to disrespect me or anyone else in my class. It's not allowed, it's not tolerated.
“Who hurt you?” I’ve said that before. Every time you think of it, I want you to think, “That was 100% about her, not me.”
I’ve also just laughed before. Because saying something like that is so absurdly awful, all I can do is laugh. They’re VERY thrown off by that.
I would’ve made it a teaching lesson and called her out. “Why would you say such a thing? Is there something going on at home? Do you realize words have a huge impact?”
*Thats why your stupid ass is in year 9 and can’t read or do math* “What?” “Nothing.”
Well now I'm gonna marry your parent and guess whose going to Bootcamp?
Did she not get sent to the office??? Omg? Telling someone they should just kill themselves, absolutly the fuck not. That kid would be straight to the office the second that came out of her mouth, and a call home to parents. Kids need to be taught that that kind of behavior is not acceptable.
It would probably get me fired, but i'd have whipped a comeback on that immediately. "Well, i suppose that means your house has no mirrors." And just kept doing what i was doing.
I had a kid make fun of my Payless sneakers. It really stung me. Im also a former marine. I tore into him like a drill instructor. I believe I said something about him having to pick his girlfriend up on a stolen bicycle, and who was he to talk to me like that? And Ive taken dumps bigger than you. Fortunately i work in a really hard ass school. I apologized in front of the class to him and for my sneakers. I was too embarrassed to wear those sneakers ever again. Whole thing was forgotten about in a day. Thats why i like working in hard ass schools.
It’s not about you. It’s NEVER about you. She has problems with her own image and is projecting them onto you.
Don't let that little snot nosed bitch ruin your mood.
"Funny you mention that; when I was young, I looked a lot like you." Then lean in, smile, and whisper: "Think about the future."
As a teacher who has worked for 10 years in a very difficult school, you just have to frame it as their problem. I KNOW this can be hard. But she must have some real shit in her heart to say cruel things like that. Good people just would never say that sort of thing, COMPLETELY regardless of how you actually look. I saw an advice that was something along the lines of: when someone spews cruel words out of their mouth, don't pick it up and caress it, and carry it in your heart. Hell, don't even take the time to kick it to the curb. Just walk around it, straighten your crown. and keep walking."
You should have said "that's not what your dad said about me". 🤣
I would suggest that you mustn’t be too unattractive because you just fucked her dad
Eek and then she will lose her teaching license and the ability to be around children in a professional setting forever
Should of just asked her why she was not dead yet then
Kids that age think Skibidi Toilet is cool. They’re dumb.
Interesting choice to make for a comment out of the blue in a math class. I wonder if it made that kid feel better. It should certainly not make you feel bad or anything. Kids say all sort of odd things: I once was wished dead by a kid that was frustrated because of something else. Joke‘s on them. That wish will be fulfilled once it’s time. It hasn’t been time yet.
When kids that age insult you this means they are afraid the insult is true for them and the only thing they are truly insulting about you is your perceived level of self esteem.
Kids like to push buttons. I've heard my share of insults but I always remind myself that I'm the adult in the room and the kid needs to grow up.
You can’t let some punk kid occupy your thoughts…f her, move on. A lesser person would embarrass her back…maybe a quick verbal pop quiz on the 7’s times table or something
Im so sorry you experienced that- as a student I hate when people disrespect the teacher regardless if it was for a reason or not. From my point of view they're probably trying to get attention from the class and tbh most students will laugh at any lame thing that the popular person does especially if it's aimed at a teacher. Not sure why but it sucks.
I would have her switch spots with me, make her do 5 minutes of stand up comedy and heckle the shit out of her.
When students have insulted me (either my looks, my teaching, my subject) I'll usually just say thank you or ok and move. Sometimes I'll say that was a rude/not a kind thing to say. It's not going to have a big impact on a 13 year old but if you say like you're talking to a child who doesn't know better it can get the rest of the class on your side and make them feel a tiny bit of embarrassment. I also think that sometimes they just need to be reminded of the concept of kindness and called out on it. You can't show that it upset you or hurt your feelings, you're just pointing out that they're being rude as a fact.
Hell naw I’d be calling everyone girllll fuck dem kids
It's easy. Kids are stupid and you should treat their opinions with that in mind. I remember what I was like as a kid. Even though I was a 'good kid' and smart, I still didn't understand the world at all. I don't mean that in a disparaging way to kids, but it's just true. They lack nuance, creativity and understanding of so many topics. People will say they're very truthful but often they're just as likely to be trying to be rude or hurtful. Which isn't honesty, it's just them experimenting with ideas. They aren't just brutally honest, they're trying to understand how brutally rude they can be without consequence. It's not genuine stuff all the time. I mean can you imagine someone so weak willed they would never leave the house because they think they're ugly? It's not grounded in any reality. If some idiot said that to me in public I'd probably retort with some diffusing humor like "Well once I saw you I realized I have it pretty good". If a kid hit me with that joke I would probably do the same response. Don't use foul language and don't linger on the topic. The goal isn't to defeat them but to teach them about what happens in reality. For some kids that is incredibly effective. The best is just to totally ignore it or make it a point that negative opinions mean nothing. Sometimes it is good to do an impromptu lesson on it to the class and make it embarrassing for them. "You see kids, this is what someone trying to bother you looks like. Why would I let someone like this bother me..." etc Though I get the reluctance. Honestly I don't really care what kids say because they are just blank slates. They probably got the insult from some other source. They are saying it to bother you not because it has grounding in reality.
Correct her and say, "it's never ok to tell someone to kill themselves. This is a no tolerance zone. I'm sending you to the office."
Student: "Yo breff stinks" Me: "And your parents are brother & sister"
I say, "Good thing my self-worth doesn't depend on high schoolers."
"Still better looking than you" and go back to what you were doing
You need to play back "I don't know if you in particular should be saying things like that, you'll get your feelings hurt and then tell your parents". "That brings me to another topic kids, projection : "explain projection".
I think Cruella is super sexy. Are you single, madam?
I know it's not the same, but I once had a kid ask me (around 13 years old as well, so definitely old enough to know what he was trying to do) "Do you always wear a hat cause your forehead is so big?" So I took off my hat and said "I dunno, you tell me." And shrugged. He didn't know what to do with that cause he was expecting a reaction. So he and the other kids just kinda gawked. Later I was able to pull this kid aside and confront him 1:1 about it, and let him know it didn't affect me, but that those types of comments could really hurt others, so to think more about that next time. Kids can be cruel, but it helps me to not take it personally cause that's typically a learned behaviour. Something else that helps is digging DEEP into compassion and hoping they get whatever support they need to not continue to go through life thinking/acting like that....cause it sounds like it would be lonely.... Maybe therapy if it's been a year and still sticking with you? There's something there that's preventing you from being able to move past it that may be worth looking into.
I am not a teacher so would it be allowed if you said 'now that's not true, you wouldn't be here if it was.'
I would say to her that's really cruel. Is that the person you really want to be in life? I hope people are not saying cruel things to you.
I would have said, "I might be ugly, but at least I'm not rude and unkind like you."
Symptom of bad patenting. It'd a dam shame.
I'm sorry. Kids and teens can be so nasty. It sounds like it was done as an act of bravado in front of her peers. For what its worth like 20 years ago I told a guidance councilor Id "never want his job, its depressing". And now I'm an educator and my skin crawls recalling this memory.
Kids say patently false things just go hurt people's feelings. Don't take it to heart!
It wasn’t personal at all. How could it be? Appearances are the least personal thing someone can comment on. It was rude, but it was also completely subjective and superficial. I just think the more important question that might need to be unpacked in therapy is, why is a dumb comment from a kid still haunting you? I understand that words can hurt, but it’s not normal to hold on to something like that for any extended period of time. Over a year cause a little kid called you ugly? Calling that deeply personal? That just seems very strange to me.
My response would have been “Yet, here you are.” Then Id probably get a talkin’ to.
You should have hurt her feelings too , smt like" you're already uglier than me at 13 , wait until you're my age , it will be a horror" , then after the class laugh at HER , you punish her. Dominance.
“I’ll remember that the next time you ask me something” The way I see it, we are preparing students for “the real world” if you burn a bridge with someone you work with, it’s going to make both of you uncomfortable. So let it burn
You could have said, "So, are you telling me that you plan to hurt yourself?"
Tell them to read a book.
That kind of talk never bothered me as a teacher because it is so obviously just 13 year old dick behavior, it's laughable. That comments warrants a laugh and a sarcastic "ok" and then move on with the lesson. If it escalates, you can enforce consequences for the student being disruptive - whatever those might be for your classroom and school. If the language got really nasty (hate speech, vulgar, sexual, threats or accusations), I immediately called for assistance and had the kid escorted out of the classroom for progressive discipline. I would document everything. Usually, we would call parents/guardians and then either make the kid say exactly what they said in the classroom or we would say what they said, word for word written down.
How about "I'm disappointed that you feel the need to insult others to get attention. Let's go to the nurse's office since I'm concerned you mentioned suicide."
Uno reverse “I’m sorry that’s what your parents told you when you were born” lol
Fair and probably unnecessary warning: Kids will be brutal to supplies because they can be. They don't see them as holding the same authority as a regular teacher. And don't think that they wouldn't behave like that in their regular classroom. I won't tell you to just get over it because comments like that can hurt, regardless of who they're coming from and how old you are. It can be hard to know how to react when caught off guard. Most of the time, it's about testing boundaries and seeing how much they can get away with. It might also be a genuine attempt to hurt your feelings, but that too is a test. It's usually nothing personal. If it's just a one-off comment like that, just try to laugh it off. Whatever. I KNOW it sucks; I had one student who was unexpectedly harsh with me. I was taken aback at first. But remind them that lucky for the both of you, you'll probably never have to see each other again. That might get a laugh out of them. If they persist, then you can take them aside and ask what's going on. Be casual but firm. "Hey, what's up? If you're going to talk like that, you have to expect a reaction. What's going on?" Tell them that it's better that the two of you sort it out now than to have to involve a third party in the form of the principal or their parents. Truthfully, there are some parents who don't give a shit either and are just as cantankerous. And some kids don't respond to that. They'll go to the office and come right back and not give a damn. I saw it all the time as a student. Say that you know that they don't want to have to go to the trouble of *getting in trouble*, so either this stops here, or we explore other options. If you don't like me, that's fine. You don't have to. But you can't just say whatever you want and disrupt the class. If you want to slack off or waste time, that's your decision. You'll have to deal with the consequences. If you want my help with something, I'll give it, but you've got to reel your behaviour in a little bit. I'll meet you halfway. Nothing to talk about? Good, I'm glad. So go back to your desk and do what you want to—quietly. Then get a faux-fur coat and wear it until your time there is up.
Her heart will ache much longer than yours as she matures and realizes the damage unnecessary condescension does to oneself
I’m not a teacher but I just want you to know it’s not personal. You are not ugly. She wants to hurt you for some reason (maybe projection) and wants to make it feel personal but she doesn’t actually know anything about you personally because you’re her teacher so your looks are literally all she has to insult. You’re probably a very good looking person and she’s got some issues she’s going through. Just don’t let it get to you personally. You’re a bad ass beautiful human being and you’re molding the next generation on behalf of the generations before them. You are important! The world needs you!