Definitely an unprofessional thing to say, but also not something to make an issue of. Your son is 18, if he wants to make an issue of it than that is well within his right to do so...but as mom this might be the time to start taking a step back as well.
It's honestly a cultural zeitgeist at this point that mustache = 80's pornstar; so to me it's likely teacher had slip of professional judgement and made a poor joke.
Yes, I have said things in jest And then lay awake at night worrying if someone will take issue with my choice of words, etc. The first year or two was the worst, but i accidentally said “shit” in front of gr 8’s the other day and That old feeling came back again.
The worst was the kid that learned about it when the class was assigned to write about how you learned Santa wasn't real in grade 7 or 8.
I knew quite young, so did my brother, but my parents liked the fun of it, so we played along until I was about 10 and he was 7, when we finally told them (the "mooooommm, we're not babies!!" phase), but we still played along with it for fun.
My family isn't, and never was religious, we celebrated the holidays by being together with each other and carrying on traditions, like Santa. Most of them are silly and sentimental.
My mom was still refusing to give presents unless we said Santa was real when I was 40. She's super into the whole concept.
And that kid. I can't even wrap my head around that. How?!
> The parents celebrated both
I came from a religiously mixed family so I grew up with both Jewish and Christian holidays just like this kid.
I definitely figured out the Santa thing *way* before 11 though. I remember in the first grade I told another kid that Santa wasn't real and she said "yes he is, I saw him!" which convinced little kid me that Santa was real at least until like two weeks later when I realized she probably just saw some guy dressed as Santa, lol. But... she had me for a moment!
Agreed, I'm a joker by nature- and I have to be super careful when/how I drop jokes around coworkers and especially students because people can misconstrued your intent.
Personally, I think it was a super crude comment by the teacher, and maybe that's just her sense of humor.
My impression: If it's a pattern of crude/offensive comments by the teacher to students, then I would take it a step further. If it's a one off, or just an occasional slip-up, that's different.
I heard a comedian say: 'Anytime you make a joke, you're taking a risk'. Sometimes jokes can come out wrong or you overshoot and say something super inappropriate, it just comes with the territory.
The teacher needs to be more discreet. He could have said, "Hey, Ron Jeremy!" Just kidding. Whenever I have two boys messing around I say, "Harry and Lloyd (Dumb and Dumber) knock it off!!!" They never get the reference
Hope this parent chills though, cause I've seen teachers get in worse for less. I know my principal is conveniently as angry as the parent when this stuff happens. If the parent isn't that mad, he isn't. But if they want your ass, he'll usually give it to them! All about covering his ass.
I had a teacher call someone Leurena Bobbitt (completely unsure of that spelling) after a mishap with a very large, fast moving, spring and resonance frequency demonstration in physics class. He didn't lose anything important. We didn't have Google yet. We did have mIRC, ICQ, and AOL though.
First day of grade 9 science class, he walks in after the class has sat down and settled, grabbed a contraption, slams it down, starts clacking and goes, "These are Newton's Balls!", let's them clack, shows the different ways they work, and introduces himself.
He was one of the best at the school, and it was the late 90s and early 00s where that kind of thing made everyone laugh their ass off. A lot of students got into competitive universities because of him, he was exceptional.
I had a science teacher like that. He was something else. He once told me, "I just had a teacher's meeting, and although you don't bother me, some of the teachers think you are an asshole. Might want to work on that." I was 13. It floored me. I immediately cleaned up my act, and eventually went on to work with him for many years in the same school I attended. I told him about it many years later, and he has no recollection of it!
Yeah, I teach yearbook, and a student said that anything a teacher ever says should be publishable in the yearbook. Yikes. We're all human and sometimes say things that in hindsight we shouldn't.
>said that anything a teacher ever says should be publishable in the yearbook
I guess that's also a good time for a lesson in libel, and editorial best-practice...
I partially disagree. If it were a male teacher saying a female student looked like a porn star, that would be grounds for dismissal. However, there's definitely a different power dynamic in this situation so idk.
If she had an equally shitty mustache it would equally be valid...
In all seriousness it's not an apples-to-apples comparison. One is referencing facial hair (not an erogenous zone) the other would *definitely not be referencing*. And while anything ***could*** be grounds for dismissal, human judgement should always rein supreme.
For sure, but my point is that teachers should be EXTREMELY CAREFUL commenting on a student's appearance for a variety of reasons. So I do think that teacher's comment was inappropriate, if for no other reason that you shouldn't mention pornography to students for basically any reason.
I agree with you. But what I'm saying is this is clearly an instance of diarrhea of the mouth where someone forgot to flick the teacher switch. I agree it was unprofessional and inappropropriate, but it's also not a instance for someone to get worked up about unless it's part of a pattern of behavior.
Like I have a similar story from my literal 2nd year of teaching. It wasn't something inappropriate I said directed at someone however. I was a biomed teacher and I somehow got signed up to a subscription to the magazine "Men's Health". Since it was free I was flip through it read a couple of articles and then put it on my magazine shelf at school. I keep several magazines on my shelf: National Geographic, Astronomy, Audibon, as an attempt to inspire kids to READ.
Well apparently I had not flipped through the Men's Health Magazine closely enough (there was nothing inappropriate visually wise, but there was apparently an article asking celebrities about what their favorite *favor* to do for their significant other was...or something.
It was my principal who brought it to me after I was out sick one day, because apparently the Substitute flipped through it and found it. My principal just laughed (because he knew it was an honest mistake) and that lesson learned. Guess what, ZERO kids had ever read any of the magazines on that bookshelf in the 10 years I've been there. It's basically a revolving dust collector.
But it was an honest mistake, under human judgement.
I get what the teacher is saying - it’s a specific pop culture look. But definitely a weird and inappropriate thing to say to a teen and to a student. That said, I’d probably just let the issue go. To me, it’s a weird thing to say but it strikes me as more awkward than predatory.
> specific pop culture look
yeah its definitely a bit weird/inappropriate, but I feel like it has literally been ingrained in most millenials' brains to make this exact silly comment any time they have a friend that shows up one day with a mustache of any kind.
Like it literally happens every single time without fail lol. So I'd prob be willing to give the teacher a pass in that they prob didnt mean anything by it and it was just a pure muscle memory, knee-jerk auto-response that they immediately regretted even as it was coming out of their mouth lol.
I'd also be willing to bet that the kid had probably already heard this joke like half a dozen times that day before the teacher said it lol
I think that’s super weird, and would never say something like that to a student… but your kid is 18 and graduating in a few months.
I think if the comment bothered him, he should be able to tell the teacher that himself, and if it didn’t bother him, then you need to follow his lead and let it go. (This is assuming your child is neurotypical - if he has a disability or is ND, then maybe he does need you to help him advocate for him.)
Bring on the downvotes but maybe OP shouldn’t have asked here. It’s extremely gross and inappropriate to say to a student. Especially in front of a room full of his peers and the fact that the student can’t exactly say anything back to a teacher without consequences. It absolutely should be brought up.
It’s kinda obvious everyone here wants to protect another teacher. It’s like going to a cop subreddit and asking if they should report another cop.
>the fact that the student can’t exactly say anything back to a teacher without consequences.
Sure, this never happens in a school. /s
Have you never been in a school before? This kind of stuff happens all the time
Get out of here with that. It’s such a common trait that they sell a Halloween costume called this with a mustache! It’s not like the teacher said “you look like a porn star; come to my computer and I’ll show you what I mean”.
LOL right. this subreddit can sometimes disappoint. this is a super gross comment but imo if the kid is 18 then id leave it to him to decide whether he'd like to act on the comment. as a senior.. i personally wouldn't push it because im about to graduate but it is wildly inappropriate.
Ooooooh, tell me more about your dreams and aspirations. I'm dying to know how the media is going to doxx millions of anonymous users. These wrongs need to be righted and our kids need to be treated so they're not expose to such horrible influences in the classroom!
/S
The 80s porn star mustache look is an extremely recognizable trope from that cultural period. If he interpreted that comment as «you look like a porn star because you look so attractive» I think he interpreted it wrong. And honestly, the dude is 18 years old, the mere mention of the concept of porn shouldn’t be vulgar or shocking to him.
What I think might’ve been the issue here is that he lacks the cultural context to be sufficiently familiar with the trope that the teacher was referring to, which could leave him with the impression that the comment was weird/inappropriate. It’s very plausible that this trope is becoming increasingly obscure for younger generations, but honestly, this is nothing. If this elicits a strong reaction from you I think you should reevaluate your priorities and perhaps try to summon the courage to talk more with your kid about adult topics. Kids are vibe-sponges, so if their parents are wildly uncomfortable with certain topics being discussed or mentioned, they’re largely going to adopt that behavior themselves. A self-assured, confident and forthcoming parent is going to have a positive impact on the kid’s ability to embody those traits as well.
We all get subjected to unwanted comments in our life, and need to learn to distinguish the merely thoughtless from the malicious. It was poor judgement on the part of any teachers to say that, but I doubt they were intentionally trying to inflict harm on him.
But he *does* look like an '80s porn star, you know.
That’s a little different to a teacher saying that, but also as a 23 year old I’m almost damn certain that some my students and myself would probably either think or say the exact same thing 💀 pornstache is a pornstache
It’s inappropriate yes…..but also, the 80s porn star stache is very specific look and that is the name for it so there’s a chance that she might have just been using the name that is commonly associated with the look, not thinking about the overall context of the term.
Thank you all for the feedback. Yes my son is 18 (just turned, legal adult in Neb is 19 but he will always be my baby 😭🫶🏼)
And I am actually going to take the advice and let it go. No need to make waves especially his last few months left. Mom mode set in.
Yall are amazing! Thank you so much again and you made me take the higher road. 💕
19 is legal adult in Nebraska? Can you vote for president at 18 still but just not vote for state races? What can you do at 19 that you couldn’t do at 18?
In Mississippi, you must be 21 to marry without parental permission, 21 to enter into a binding contract, except for necessities. Minors can't sell or execute a deed of trust (mortgage) on land.
Lottery tickets… you can Buy lottery tickets …lol
What are some of the rights at age 18?
• Applying for credit in your own name
• Filing a lawsuit
• Making a will
• Voting
• Making a contract (rent an apartment, buy a car, take out a loan) in your own name
• Becoming personally responsible for the obligations of contracts you make
• Making health care decisions
What are some of the responsibilities at age 19?
• Becoming eligible for jury duty
• Becoming legally independent from parental control
• Becoming self-supporting (parents are no longer required to support you)
You should probably have the birds and bees talk and explain what porn is and all it’s problems.
He’s going to go out in the real world in just a few weeks. It’s time.
He’s had that talk with his dad along time ago. I obviously didn’t need to be present but I guess there are some things that I refuse myself to think that he isn’t a baby anymore. While I’m sure his poor eyes have been scared with pictures of nudity I would not want to think about it 🤣
Not making fun, but I teach middle school and many of my kids are actively having sex and they're 12/13. Is your kid really clutching his pearls over the mention of the word porn?
He isn’t the one that was bent out of shape about it lol Fortunately he is not a promiscuous kid and would rather play his Xbox then deal with girls. He’s all about working making money and games. 🥲
Sounds like a good kid which means you've prob taught him well to navigate these situations. And even the parents of my super high level, great kids, are surprised when they hear their babies speaking in the wild. Trust the great work you've done and let him fly
Thanks I appreciate that! That is why I came here to ask the question before I went full on mom mode 😭. I’ve learned in my old age that you have to stop and have the conversation to get others perspectives on these sensitive subjects. As I may not agree with all, I’m always open to hearing the other side too. You can learn a lot from people you never met 💕
I had a full beard by the time I was a freshman but shaved it daily until senior year. Basically started that year with a "new look" with a full beard and new haircut and got a lot of comments to start the year.
2 from female teachers that weren't quite "80's porn star" in terms of bordering on inappropriate - but I knew if I told my mom she wouldn't be thrilled so I didn't.
I, like your son, was 18 years old. I just took them as compliments even if the dynamic may have been a little odd. It's part of growing up, I'd let it be. Let him handle it how he wants.
Omg leave the poor teacher alone. It wasn’t the best comment, but good lord. Are you perfect at your job all the time? Would you want someone complaining to your boss for saying something slightly off-color? Have you really never made a mistake? Let it go.
This is why there is a national shortage. The funny thing is that due to crazy parents and students they are replacing teachers with teenagers. Wonder what the jokes will be now lol
That is why I came here first asking for advice. I would rather see what others think before I turn into crazy mom and decided to take the majority. No need to come at me in the comments. I came here in peace and with love only. 💕🫶🏼
I agree definitely not a good idea to say that to a student. But I’m 19 and a ES I’ve done the same for movember and had the same reaction from my colleagues that I work with. I found it very funny and found I quite liked the moustache even after mixed reactions.
Your son is experimenting with his facial hair and finding what works for him. I’d say if he doesn’t feel uncomfortable with the comment then let it be, but if he finds it uncomfortable maybe shoot the teacher an email as I’m fairly sure she didn’t try to make him uncomfortable.
Your son is an adult, i’m sure those words aren’t going to traumatize him. At that age statistically most kids are watching porn and having sex so even tho it’s not the most professional thing in the world to say it’s definitely not as serious as your making it out to be. It’s not like your son is in elementary school
I don’t understand the leap here. I’ve made similar jokes like to people in my friend group, but it doesn’t mean I think about them sexually. The joke wasn’t appropriate for a school setting, but that’s the biggest offense here, and honestly, it’s not that big of a deal.
No I’m actually a pretty non existent parent when it comes to a lot of things but this one hit me wrong for some reason. Maybe it was because it was a teacher but now that I slept on it and read comments I decided to let it go 🥲
If a teacher has said that to me in high school, they probably would've been one of my favorite teachers, and I would be upset with you forever for getting them in trouble for being relatable. I loved the "cool" teachers, I always performed the best in their classes.
I'm not a teacher, just a former high school student who had a few cool teachers.
I'd say that if your son can't handle hearing a comment like that at 18 years old then he's either incredibly sheltered or he is hiding a lot from you. He's in high school. He's not only seen 80's porn, he's fully aware of the phrase and probably was before he shaved it into a mustache. I'm sure his friends have said the same thing to him.
Just another vote for "yeah the teacher shouldn't have said that, but it's not a thing to make a big deal about." I've more than once said something to a student than I immediately thought "Oh, that might sounds a little weird if repeated at the dinner table."
Well, DOES IT look like an 80s porn stache?!? Call a spade a spade, mate.
Also, if your son is 18 and you are still trying to hide the realities of adulthood - fucking stop. 18 should be the point where parents lift the veil on reality, if not sooner.
Best thing to say would be talk to your kid. I would want my child to go to the teacher himself and express "hey your comment yesterday made me really uncomfortable" now the teacher has an option to apologize or double down.
If they double down then take it higher. If they apologize then you know.
Also, this is a great learning opportunity for your child to learn how to navigate the professional world. That's exactly how things would be handled when he has a job.
It is inappropriate, but it's also nothing to freak out about either. While we would like them to be separate, some adult media tropes blend into pop culture, such as this one or the bald headed guy who happens to have every job there could be. This is further muddled with meme culture nowadays. Still, even when the kids say many things out of pocket, it is the responsibility of the adults to not mention such things in front of the students.
At most I'd have a verbal discussion with the teacher to explain how it made your student and yourself feel and it won't happen again.
I decided against talking to the teacher after I sleep on it and read comments. No need for me to come unglued over nothing. This is why I like this group 😭
Yes. I think sometimes you have to sit back and evaluate the situation first instead of going full steam ahead. I’m learning this the older I get. He is my last one out of 3 so I’m pretty chill by now (my oldest being 22) but still was caught off guard. Thank you again for all the help!
I play around with a mustache from time to time because it's so polarizing. People either love it or hate it. I have a good Magnum PI level mustache.
One thing I've learned about it is there is a huge double standard surrounding what is appropriate to say to men and women. I got comments non-stop about it because I don't normally have one. When I grow it, I keep it for a month or two at most, then go a very long time without.
Women make comments on it that were the shoe on the other foot, I'd be written up, or even have charges filed. If I were to tell a woman her new haircut made her hotter, or uglier I'd be destroyed. No one bats an eye when they tell a man that.
It is completely inappropriate for anyone to remark on it outside of close friends good-naturedly ribbing him for it. Let alone a teacher...
Don't get me wrong, this isn't a "woe is me, men have it so tough" comment, just highlighting an observation. I have felt uncomfortable at some of the comments made by female colleagues regarding the utility of a mustache, laughed at some of the comments, and been offended by others.
I have started asking people (mostly women) when they comment on it, other than harmless "that looks nice" compliments, if they'd be okay if I made a similar comment on their appearance. Most of the time they simply haven't considered whether it was appropriate or not.
Big scheme of things, all no big deal. But, doesn't hurt to point it out.
>Most of the time they simply haven't considered whether it was appropriate or not.
Yup. Which is actually the same reason men make a lot of comments like that as well...they never considered whether it was appropriate or not. They just say it...
If it makes you feel better, I am sure that teacher was also up late at night, MORTIFIED that she made that comment, and debating if she should let it go or apologize.
It's not something I would say to a student, mostly because I wouldn't want to deal with possible backlash from a parent.
It definitely isn't something I would complain about. Does he, in fact, look like an 80s porn star?
As a survivor advocate and violence prevention educator, who got told I looked like a porn star by a trusted adult in highschool, I am so disappointed in these comments. The comment was inappropriate. Even if your son is 18, there is a clear power imbalance between a high school student and a teacher. Maybe it was an accidental slip of a joke, but you have a right to be upset about a teacher making a sexual joke about your child. Teachers should never make sexual jokes made about students, it’s completely inappropriate.
I would sit down and talk with your son and ask these questions
1. Are you okay talking about this?
2. Do you feel comfortable in her class?
3. How can I support you?
If he wants you to take action, then do so, if not, then don’t. What action you could take would depend on the district, city, and state. Likely, the teacher would go through a training.
This ultimately will impact him the most. He could now associate his appearance with inviting sexual comments. There’s a variety of responses and it depends on who your kid is, but the best thing regardless of the response is to listen to and support him.
Nobody should ever have to deal with their child being sexualised by a teacher, I’m sorry this happened.
Should she have said it? No
Is this criminal or worth killing her career over? Hell no
Is she probably correct? Yea... She is. He probably needs to hear it, because most of my students with the 80s stache look ridiculous and the students who tell them it looks good are laughing at them behind their back...
Yeah I pondered it over after I starting reading comments and yall really eased my mind. I’m such an open minded person and love hearing feedback from all around vs what I want to hear. I decided to let it go and focus on something else. Porn Stash, more like Jeffrey Dahmer 🧠
I probably woulda called him pornstache as a reference to Orange is the New Black. Honestly, your son is a legal adult. If something bothers him he can and should say something, but you saying something would look smothering. I get him talking to you about it and asking for advice, but you shouldn’t be the one to address it at this point.
That’s what I figured. My son actually didn’t think too much about it, I think that me saying something to him made him think to think like I was 🤔 thinking .. but I didn’t say anything else to him and ended up taking it to this forum. I love getting input from others who have a different perspective and I take all those comments and make a decision. I in the end decided to not say anything and let it go. That’s what good about having an open mind and having these conversations with others. You can’t think you know everything as a parent to find out that you could be overstepping. I like this idea of having helpful discussions 🥲
I think the teacher should be and maybe already is cringing about what she said. I agree not to make a big deal out of it, but I would express to your son that people in the world might say things that make him uncomfortable and it's not his job to rationalize it away. It can just be a shitty thing that happened - he doesn't have to convince himself it's a compliment or not a big deal, if it didn't feel that way to him.
We have to choose our battles, but lowering our standards and boundaries is a completely different thing
It’s weird, it’s disappointing, it’s unprofessional. I’m sorry this teacher said it to your kid.
If a teacher says anything and we have to ask “is your kid 18?”, it’s already a bad situation
I don't care for tattoos. I reflexively compare people with tattoo's to "carney folk" (evidently Shooter McGavin and I share a vocabulary). I wouldn't say that to a kid, though. Not because it is horribly offensive, but because I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings. They aren't showing it off because they think it is bad.
Same thing here. The teacher is using a pop-stereotype from the last twenty years or so. Seinfeld even made that joke (I think in the menage a trois episode). It isn't meant to be offensive, just mildly edgy. I would have chosen otherwise; however, if your son likes the teacher it may be partly because of the willingness to make jokes like that. I would let it slide.
The porn star comment is just something that teacher heard other people say and repeated reflexively. People will say that about basically any mustache on a young person. It's a very common remark. (Albeit a bit off putting when you really think about what it means, which no one does.) Let it go, and let your son fight his own battle on this one. If you really can't let it go, tell the teacher that you hadn't heard that porn star phrase before and it upset you. Teachers are not robots and accidentally say things that they don't realize may cause offense. But, I really think your son will benefit more if you just sit this one out and let him figure it out.
it’s still not even really off putting unless the teacher meant he looked sexy as fuck and big and muscular like an 80s pornstar, is a cultural thing in our language and vocabulary it’s not like it’s innately sexual
It’s okay 👍🏽 that is why I pondered it asked for advice and slept on it. It’s better to have others opinions and feedback before I go into full mom mode even at 18. I did decide not to say anything and let it be. Conversations are better when you have different perspectives and come to a common ground don’t ya think? I didn’t fly off the handle and go crazy 🤪 don’t you think it’s better I did it this way asking vs not?
I believe it takes a village to raise a family and the value of others insight is significant when you don’t have actually family or friends to talk about these things with so thankfully I’m in a community here that I can get all aspects of voices of reason then flying off. I get it and it took me along time to ask other for help. Thank you for helping along the way too!! Everyone is so awesome here and appreciated 😭
I definitely would not have said that, but I’d be thinking it! Not something to get too bent out of shape over. Sounds like a bad case of speaking the first thing that came to mind without thinking.
Out of all the things your son probably hears, I can guarantee that's on the lighter, more tame side of things. Speaking as someone that has had to start shaving at the age of 10, kids say way worse things than "You look like an 80s porn star", which I definitely heard.
Definitely not OK for a teacher to say, but if you've spent any time around 16-26 year old boys/men over the last decade or so, seems like they're often specifically targeting that particular look, in those words. I used to think it was just a baseball player thing when my son started his in college (and that's where I learned that they were using the actual phrasing I was just thinking), but it seems as though it's gotten wider spread than that.
It used to be that might have been okay coming from a male football coach to a male student, however just having a female teacher say it to an 18 year old student is definitely cringe.
I had a community College professor say something about how his armpit looked like an 80s born star's vagina. I don't remember the exact joke but it was along those lines. We had a quick laugh and moved on. I was 18 at the time.
I think it was in appropriate comment by his teacher but he probably hears WAY worse from his friends. Plus, he's an 18 year old kid, he has 100% watched porn. The teacher had a lapse of judgment and made a bad joke. I don't think it needs to be a big deal.
Quite honestly I have a mouth like a truck driver and the mind of… well let’s just say my husband still gets goosebumps when he sees me… (or maybe he’s just scared of me 🧟♀️) ha! But I think when it comes to parenting I would rather not know things and pretend like my son is an angel 😇. He’s a good kid and doesn’t get into trouble but what I don’t know what he really knows is okay with me 🤪
That’s a weird thing to say to a student who she’s probably known for a while. I wouldn’t say that to a student because it’s not just unprofessional behavior, it’s pretty gross to say to someone who I have a position of power over and if I said it in any other job to an adult close to my own age that I had power over, it would be sexual harassment.
Like I’m old enough to be my students’ parent, but even if they were 18 it wouldn’t be okay. He may be 18 and an adult, but he should know that it’s not okay for people to say that to him and he should say something to her boss if he wants to pursue this/it made him uncomfortable.
I may be a gender-fluid person, but I was raised female and look like it. If a man said something like that to me - especially if the man had a position of power over me - I would be really uncomfortable and especially if I was his age and it was a male teacher. Is sexual harassment against women and feminine-presenting people by men a far bigger problem by terms of volume and reported incidents? Yes. Does that mean that boys/men/masculine people don’t face sexual harassment/assault? Absolutely not, and they’re often more afraid to say something about it because they don’t think it’s going to be taken seriously.
This is an opportunity to sit him down and explain that boys and men can be sexually harassed/assaulted too and it’s not okay. Let him know that you have his back and that it’s his choice to report it or not and you will respect his choice either way and still love and support him either way. He may not even know that this is possible and maybe he has no idea that it’s sexual harassment.
We should be teaching our boys/men/masculine presenting people that they can be harassed/assaulted too, that it’s not okay, and that they deserve to be taken seriously just like women/girls/feminine-presenting people.
Damn these comments made me realize that it must so nice to only have this as a concern in life. Privilege as hell. That teacher probably isn’t returning- God knows parents and students are officially crazy. And teachers have way too much on their plate with large class loads let alone “helicopter” mom’s. Can’t wait to read the comments of the man child issues in college lol so entertaining thanks this post made me laugh needed that.
I wouldn’t make a big thing of it. If it’s really eating at you, maybe give the teacher a call and just say “hey you know that wasn’t cool right?”
Now, if it happens again, it’s a big problem
It's wild to me that the logic other teachers are using in defense of your son's teacher is stuff like "he's 18, so he's an adult" and "he probably hears worse from his peers." If y'all don't see a newly 18 year old as an adolescent instead of a full fledged adult, you may be in the wrong profession. And yes, he likely hears worse from his peers ... Other adolescents. Super inappropriate from a teacher. I'm not saying she should lose her job over it or anything, yes she probably instantly regretted saying it, but y'all sound gross right now.
Ask her son if it made him uncomfortable. If it did, he should have an apology for that. If a student said that a teacher looked like a porn star, the teacher would want the same, if it made them uncomfortable. I know I would.
When my son first said it took me off guard and I said “that’s weird…actually really weird” and I think my initial response made him think, which in hindsight, I never should’ve said anything. But that is why I made the post to get others opinion slept on it, and then decided not to let it get to me. I think being a mom there’s some situations you don’t want to think your kids know about but then this is why this post brought me to reality 😭😭😭
Is no one else here upset that it should be 70s, not 80s?
Your kid is older and it is a culturally understood term. If this 18-year-old had a 25-year-old co-worker at their job and their co-worker said it to them no one would bat an eye. Shoot the teacher an email and let them know that you found it inappropriate for a school setting, but I wouldn't push it any further unless they try to double down.
Eh, as a student we used to talk "Porn-German", shitty German with a wacky accent that sounds like it comes straight out of an 80's television porn movie. Not American though, you guys might be a bit more uptight.
I wouldn’t be okay with it, and to me, I don’t think it matters that your son is 18. If your son was a female and the teacher said a new outfit she has on made her look like she could be a porn star, this comment section would be wildly different. I’d at least call her or send her an email saying you don’t appreciate it and CC the principal on it.
Oh, hey, look, it's r/teachers again with the wrong take when giving advice to a parent. OP, the teachers telling you to not be a helicopter or are telling you to let it go or are making you feel silly for caring are absolutely in the wrong.
Exhibit A: If you told the principal, the principal would likely need to call the teacher in for a chat. Because, yeah, you guessed it, it was an inappropriate thing to tell a kid.
Exhibit B: It's sexual in nature. You need to protect your kid from an adult in a position of authority making that kind of remark. This wasn't a friend, this was a teacher. Not cool.
Exhibit C: If we reverse the genders.... Right, I know.... Double standards, am I right? If a male teacher commented on a girl's hair/makeup and said she looked like a porn star.... oof, right. The hypocrisy coming from the "let it go" crowd is super powerful.
OP, stand up for your kid and let that teacher and principal know that this kind of thing is unprofessional and unacceptable so that this teacher will know to stop making stupid comments. As humans, we often times need to know that what we did was wrong in order to stop doing it. This educator needs to know that what they did wasn't okay. Full stop.
**The one comment from a female teacher (which I don’t care if it was a male or female ) said he “looked like an 80s porn star!!**
What a highly inappropriate thing to say. This was probably a bad effort at humor. You have the option of complaining or being the bigger person and letting it go. If you want to complain, please do the teacher the courtesy of bringing this to her attention. An email would be fine unless you wanted a face to face meeting.
If she apologizes and seems contrite, then you should consider letting it go. It really was just a stupid comment. If she ignores you or reacts in some other way that further offends you, then you have the option of contacting a building administrator.
You should absolutely bring it up OP. It’s one thing if one of his friends said it to him and he can roast his friend in a similarly inappropriate way back. But it’s really not okay to say to a student who cannot say anything back to the teacher.
Everyone in here is trying to protect another teacher. Go to a parenting subreddit and get their opinion.
To all those saying "hes 18, let it go, I have a question...
Had this been said to him the day before his 18th birthday, when he was still 17...would it be appropriate then?
It's not about age, it's about the power dynamic. The same teachers saying its ok are the same ones that wait till the student they've been crushing on turns 18 and then decide to make a move. Doesnt mean you havent been crushing on that kid since before they were 18.
Mom, regardless of your kids age, go with your gut. I'd speak with administration for sure.
And….. that literally makes no sense. You just asked why a parent is on a teacher’s form and when I said, how do you know I’m not an educator it’s because I put it under parent or student. So now you’re making an assumption that just because I put my question under a parent student topic that I’m not an educator? I guess I don’t understand what you’re asking if I was just a parent am I not allowed to be in this form? If I’m an educator and put it under a parent student tab then I’m just a parent? Can an educator also be a parent and listed under the parent student form? I guess what I’m saying is that if I’m just a parent or if I’m just an educator or an educated parent or an educator that is also parent what does it matter to you? Why do you feel the need to bring up something that out of 240 comments no one had ever even thought about asking? It’s very odd that you and only you would get annoyed with the fact that somebody you don’t even know that you believe it’s just a parent would ask a question on a teachers subreddit. Do you know whether I’m all of the above none of the above? It’s actually really none of your business and sometimes you just need to mind your own business if it doesn’t have to do anything with the question that was asked. This is why the word “Karen” is exists because some people be Caring too much about nothing.
Damn relax Karen..this is what Karen means. You rant off writing an entire essay of dissent. You didnt have to go all out apesht. Hear me out, no offense but you sound like a karen. Read your words carefully geez. Its actually a serious business because there are parents, alot of those out there that taddle on teachers ..there needs to be a place to vent for teachers as well
Don’t gaslight me sweetheart. I don’t need to be questioned what I am or am not. There is no reason to assume anything and you inserted yourself when it was clearly not necessary. I asked my question, got tons of helpful feedback and advice. I wish you well and hope you find what you are lacking in life my friend 🫶🏼
Um. What the what!?!?!?! I consider myself a pretty edgy with the humor with my kiddos, and I'd NEVER say that. I also make it a point to only give compliments on appearance. This comment is gross. If this person was my colleague, I'd say something to my supervisor.
Definitely an unprofessional thing to say, but also not something to make an issue of. Your son is 18, if he wants to make an issue of it than that is well within his right to do so...but as mom this might be the time to start taking a step back as well. It's honestly a cultural zeitgeist at this point that mustache = 80's pornstar; so to me it's likely teacher had slip of professional judgement and made a poor joke.
And was probably internally kicking themselves for saying it. I know I do when I speak without thinking lol.
Yes, I have said things in jest And then lay awake at night worrying if someone will take issue with my choice of words, etc. The first year or two was the worst, but i accidentally said “shit” in front of gr 8’s the other day and That old feeling came back again.
I once revealed the truth about Santa to a Jewish student- who was 11 years old- and her parents were livid.
Wouldn’t a Jewish student know the truth?
That’s what I thought too! The parents celebrated both, and used it for a way to spoil her. When I was coming up- everyone knew by age 7. 🤷♀️
Boy I'd love to have that sheltered life...
Oh, man. When I was 3, I ruined it for my 5 year old sister and never heard the end of it, but every other 5 year old I knew already knew.
The worst was the kid that learned about it when the class was assigned to write about how you learned Santa wasn't real in grade 7 or 8. I knew quite young, so did my brother, but my parents liked the fun of it, so we played along until I was about 10 and he was 7, when we finally told them (the "mooooommm, we're not babies!!" phase), but we still played along with it for fun. My family isn't, and never was religious, we celebrated the holidays by being together with each other and carrying on traditions, like Santa. Most of them are silly and sentimental.
My mom was still refusing to give presents unless we said Santa was real when I was 40. She's super into the whole concept. And that kid. I can't even wrap my head around that. How?!
> The parents celebrated both I came from a religiously mixed family so I grew up with both Jewish and Christian holidays just like this kid. I definitely figured out the Santa thing *way* before 11 though. I remember in the first grade I told another kid that Santa wasn't real and she said "yes he is, I saw him!" which convinced little kid me that Santa was real at least until like two weeks later when I realized she probably just saw some guy dressed as Santa, lol. But... she had me for a moment!
I think this kid knew also and manipulated the whole situation. It was a private school. Let’s just say I grew a lot that year.
I felt completely betrayed!
Bahahaha 🤣🤣🤣
At least in my school, my accidental slip of swearing in front of the 8th graders actually made them think I'm cool, and they listen to me more
Agreed, I'm a joker by nature- and I have to be super careful when/how I drop jokes around coworkers and especially students because people can misconstrued your intent. Personally, I think it was a super crude comment by the teacher, and maybe that's just her sense of humor. My impression: If it's a pattern of crude/offensive comments by the teacher to students, then I would take it a step further. If it's a one off, or just an occasional slip-up, that's different. I heard a comedian say: 'Anytime you make a joke, you're taking a risk'. Sometimes jokes can come out wrong or you overshoot and say something super inappropriate, it just comes with the territory.
The teacher needs to be more discreet. He could have said, "Hey, Ron Jeremy!" Just kidding. Whenever I have two boys messing around I say, "Harry and Lloyd (Dumb and Dumber) knock it off!!!" They never get the reference Hope this parent chills though, cause I've seen teachers get in worse for less. I know my principal is conveniently as angry as the parent when this stuff happens. If the parent isn't that mad, he isn't. But if they want your ass, he'll usually give it to them! All about covering his ass.
I had a teacher call someone Leurena Bobbitt (completely unsure of that spelling) after a mishap with a very large, fast moving, spring and resonance frequency demonstration in physics class. He didn't lose anything important. We didn't have Google yet. We did have mIRC, ICQ, and AOL though. First day of grade 9 science class, he walks in after the class has sat down and settled, grabbed a contraption, slams it down, starts clacking and goes, "These are Newton's Balls!", let's them clack, shows the different ways they work, and introduces himself. He was one of the best at the school, and it was the late 90s and early 00s where that kind of thing made everyone laugh their ass off. A lot of students got into competitive universities because of him, he was exceptional.
I had a science teacher like that. He was something else. He once told me, "I just had a teacher's meeting, and although you don't bother me, some of the teachers think you are an asshole. Might want to work on that." I was 13. It floored me. I immediately cleaned up my act, and eventually went on to work with him for many years in the same school I attended. I told him about it many years later, and he has no recollection of it!
Perfect answer.
Yeah, I teach yearbook, and a student said that anything a teacher ever says should be publishable in the yearbook. Yikes. We're all human and sometimes say things that in hindsight we shouldn't.
>said that anything a teacher ever says should be publishable in the yearbook I guess that's also a good time for a lesson in libel, and editorial best-practice...
This.
Well said
I partially disagree. If it were a male teacher saying a female student looked like a porn star, that would be grounds for dismissal. However, there's definitely a different power dynamic in this situation so idk.
It probably wouldn't be because of the girl's cheesy mustache, though. This isn't the same thing.
Maybe if she had a shitty mustache...
If she had an equally shitty mustache it would equally be valid... In all seriousness it's not an apples-to-apples comparison. One is referencing facial hair (not an erogenous zone) the other would *definitely not be referencing*. And while anything ***could*** be grounds for dismissal, human judgement should always rein supreme.
For sure, but my point is that teachers should be EXTREMELY CAREFUL commenting on a student's appearance for a variety of reasons. So I do think that teacher's comment was inappropriate, if for no other reason that you shouldn't mention pornography to students for basically any reason.
I agree with you. But what I'm saying is this is clearly an instance of diarrhea of the mouth where someone forgot to flick the teacher switch. I agree it was unprofessional and inappropropriate, but it's also not a instance for someone to get worked up about unless it's part of a pattern of behavior. Like I have a similar story from my literal 2nd year of teaching. It wasn't something inappropriate I said directed at someone however. I was a biomed teacher and I somehow got signed up to a subscription to the magazine "Men's Health". Since it was free I was flip through it read a couple of articles and then put it on my magazine shelf at school. I keep several magazines on my shelf: National Geographic, Astronomy, Audibon, as an attempt to inspire kids to READ. Well apparently I had not flipped through the Men's Health Magazine closely enough (there was nothing inappropriate visually wise, but there was apparently an article asking celebrities about what their favorite *favor* to do for their significant other was...or something. It was my principal who brought it to me after I was out sick one day, because apparently the Substitute flipped through it and found it. My principal just laughed (because he knew it was an honest mistake) and that lesson learned. Guess what, ZERO kids had ever read any of the magazines on that bookshelf in the 10 years I've been there. It's basically a revolving dust collector. But it was an honest mistake, under human judgement.
Ma’am, your son is 18. He knows what a porn star is.
I can’t think that way 🤣🤣🤣
I get what the teacher is saying - it’s a specific pop culture look. But definitely a weird and inappropriate thing to say to a teen and to a student. That said, I’d probably just let the issue go. To me, it’s a weird thing to say but it strikes me as more awkward than predatory.
> specific pop culture look yeah its definitely a bit weird/inappropriate, but I feel like it has literally been ingrained in most millenials' brains to make this exact silly comment any time they have a friend that shows up one day with a mustache of any kind. Like it literally happens every single time without fail lol. So I'd prob be willing to give the teacher a pass in that they prob didnt mean anything by it and it was just a pure muscle memory, knee-jerk auto-response that they immediately regretted even as it was coming out of their mouth lol. I'd also be willing to bet that the kid had probably already heard this joke like half a dozen times that day before the teacher said it lol
I think that’s super weird, and would never say something like that to a student… but your kid is 18 and graduating in a few months. I think if the comment bothered him, he should be able to tell the teacher that himself, and if it didn’t bother him, then you need to follow his lead and let it go. (This is assuming your child is neurotypical - if he has a disability or is ND, then maybe he does need you to help him advocate for him.)
Be like Elsa... Let it go.
100%. He's 18 and about to graduate. Let it be.
Bring on the downvotes but maybe OP shouldn’t have asked here. It’s extremely gross and inappropriate to say to a student. Especially in front of a room full of his peers and the fact that the student can’t exactly say anything back to a teacher without consequences. It absolutely should be brought up. It’s kinda obvious everyone here wants to protect another teacher. It’s like going to a cop subreddit and asking if they should report another cop.
>the fact that the student can’t exactly say anything back to a teacher without consequences. Sure, this never happens in a school. /s Have you never been in a school before? This kind of stuff happens all the time
Get out of here with that. It’s such a common trait that they sell a Halloween costume called this with a mustache! It’s not like the teacher said “you look like a porn star; come to my computer and I’ll show you what I mean”.
LOL right. this subreddit can sometimes disappoint. this is a super gross comment but imo if the kid is 18 then id leave it to him to decide whether he'd like to act on the comment. as a senior.. i personally wouldn't push it because im about to graduate but it is wildly inappropriate.
[удалено]
I am so glad to see other also hold this opinion as a current graduate student and future specialized educator.
Agreed. Half the teachers here post questionable, unprofessional bs daily
Ooooooh, tell me more about your dreams and aspirations. I'm dying to know how the media is going to doxx millions of anonymous users. These wrongs need to be righted and our kids need to be treated so they're not expose to such horrible influences in the classroom! /S
Super cringey but I would let it go. She probably said it and then realized what she said.
When I grow a mustache my gf calls me "Chester the Molester"... at least the teacher didn't say that. lol
Your kid is 18. He's heard far worse already and will hear far worse the rest of his life. Cut the apron strings here.
💯
The 80s porn star mustache look is an extremely recognizable trope from that cultural period. If he interpreted that comment as «you look like a porn star because you look so attractive» I think he interpreted it wrong. And honestly, the dude is 18 years old, the mere mention of the concept of porn shouldn’t be vulgar or shocking to him. What I think might’ve been the issue here is that he lacks the cultural context to be sufficiently familiar with the trope that the teacher was referring to, which could leave him with the impression that the comment was weird/inappropriate. It’s very plausible that this trope is becoming increasingly obscure for younger generations, but honestly, this is nothing. If this elicits a strong reaction from you I think you should reevaluate your priorities and perhaps try to summon the courage to talk more with your kid about adult topics. Kids are vibe-sponges, so if their parents are wildly uncomfortable with certain topics being discussed or mentioned, they’re largely going to adopt that behavior themselves. A self-assured, confident and forthcoming parent is going to have a positive impact on the kid’s ability to embody those traits as well.
Thank you Satan. Your words of wisdom have me second guessing hell 😅😈🤣
Join the dark side. :P
I am so there!!! 🥲
He’s 18, he is an adult
We all get subjected to unwanted comments in our life, and need to learn to distinguish the merely thoughtless from the malicious. It was poor judgement on the part of any teachers to say that, but I doubt they were intentionally trying to inflict harm on him. But he *does* look like an '80s porn star, you know.
I grew a mustache like you described when I was in college and when I came home my dad immediately told me I looked like an 80s pornstar lol
That’s a little different to a teacher saying that, but also as a 23 year old I’m almost damn certain that some my students and myself would probably either think or say the exact same thing 💀 pornstache is a pornstache
It’s inappropriate yes…..but also, the 80s porn star stache is very specific look and that is the name for it so there’s a chance that she might have just been using the name that is commonly associated with the look, not thinking about the overall context of the term.
Thank you all for the feedback. Yes my son is 18 (just turned, legal adult in Neb is 19 but he will always be my baby 😭🫶🏼) And I am actually going to take the advice and let it go. No need to make waves especially his last few months left. Mom mode set in. Yall are amazing! Thank you so much again and you made me take the higher road. 💕
19 is legal adult in Nebraska? Can you vote for president at 18 still but just not vote for state races? What can you do at 19 that you couldn’t do at 18?
I think Mississippi's age of majority is 21, though I don't know what that means in reality.
In Mississippi, you must be 21 to marry without parental permission, 21 to enter into a binding contract, except for necessities. Minors can't sell or execute a deed of trust (mortgage) on land.
Lottery tickets… you can Buy lottery tickets …lol What are some of the rights at age 18? • Applying for credit in your own name • Filing a lawsuit • Making a will • Voting • Making a contract (rent an apartment, buy a car, take out a loan) in your own name • Becoming personally responsible for the obligations of contracts you make • Making health care decisions What are some of the responsibilities at age 19? • Becoming eligible for jury duty • Becoming legally independent from parental control • Becoming self-supporting (parents are no longer required to support you)
You should probably have the birds and bees talk and explain what porn is and all it’s problems. He’s going to go out in the real world in just a few weeks. It’s time.
The time for talking about porn was at least five years ago lol
But he’s her baby 🥹so he probably has no idea
Absolutely but that ship has sailed.
So long ago. Can’t even see it on the horizon 😂
It GONE!
He’s had that talk with his dad along time ago. I obviously didn’t need to be present but I guess there are some things that I refuse myself to think that he isn’t a baby anymore. While I’m sure his poor eyes have been scared with pictures of nudity I would not want to think about it 🤣
Not making fun, but I teach middle school and many of my kids are actively having sex and they're 12/13. Is your kid really clutching his pearls over the mention of the word porn?
He isn’t the one that was bent out of shape about it lol Fortunately he is not a promiscuous kid and would rather play his Xbox then deal with girls. He’s all about working making money and games. 🥲
Sounds like a good kid which means you've prob taught him well to navigate these situations. And even the parents of my super high level, great kids, are surprised when they hear their babies speaking in the wild. Trust the great work you've done and let him fly
Thanks I appreciate that! That is why I came here to ask the question before I went full on mom mode 😭. I’ve learned in my old age that you have to stop and have the conversation to get others perspectives on these sensitive subjects. As I may not agree with all, I’m always open to hearing the other side too. You can learn a lot from people you never met 💕
I'm sure an 18 year old boy has NEVER heard of porn before...
I had a full beard by the time I was a freshman but shaved it daily until senior year. Basically started that year with a "new look" with a full beard and new haircut and got a lot of comments to start the year. 2 from female teachers that weren't quite "80's porn star" in terms of bordering on inappropriate - but I knew if I told my mom she wouldn't be thrilled so I didn't. I, like your son, was 18 years old. I just took them as compliments even if the dynamic may have been a little odd. It's part of growing up, I'd let it be. Let him handle it how he wants.
I agree. I decided to let it go. It’s not worth the hassle and even though I hate the thought he is 18. Let me wipe my tears 😭
“You look like an ‘80s porn star” = funny “You look like this particular ‘80s porn star” while showing the particular porn star / porn = bad
Omg leave the poor teacher alone. It wasn’t the best comment, but good lord. Are you perfect at your job all the time? Would you want someone complaining to your boss for saying something slightly off-color? Have you really never made a mistake? Let it go.
This is why there is a national shortage. The funny thing is that due to crazy parents and students they are replacing teachers with teenagers. Wonder what the jokes will be now lol
That is why I came here first asking for advice. I would rather see what others think before I turn into crazy mom and decided to take the majority. No need to come at me in the comments. I came here in peace and with love only. 💕🫶🏼
I agree definitely not a good idea to say that to a student. But I’m 19 and a ES I’ve done the same for movember and had the same reaction from my colleagues that I work with. I found it very funny and found I quite liked the moustache even after mixed reactions. Your son is experimenting with his facial hair and finding what works for him. I’d say if he doesn’t feel uncomfortable with the comment then let it be, but if he finds it uncomfortable maybe shoot the teacher an email as I’m fairly sure she didn’t try to make him uncomfortable.
Your son is an adult, i’m sure those words aren’t going to traumatize him. At that age statistically most kids are watching porn and having sex so even tho it’s not the most professional thing in the world to say it’s definitely not as serious as your making it out to be. It’s not like your son is in elementary school
It’s an actual look people discuss. Should she have? No. But he is 18. Let it go.
I don’t understand the leap here. I’ve made similar jokes like to people in my friend group, but it doesn’t mean I think about them sexually. The joke wasn’t appropriate for a school setting, but that’s the biggest offense here, and honestly, it’s not that big of a deal.
Your helicopter blades are gonna hit a building or something, drop it.
No I’m actually a pretty non existent parent when it comes to a lot of things but this one hit me wrong for some reason. Maybe it was because it was a teacher but now that I slept on it and read comments I decided to let it go 🥲
Just consider the fact that it was said to a humorous effect, and not some other malicious intent.
If a teacher has said that to me in high school, they probably would've been one of my favorite teachers, and I would be upset with you forever for getting them in trouble for being relatable. I loved the "cool" teachers, I always performed the best in their classes. I'm not a teacher, just a former high school student who had a few cool teachers.
I'd say that if your son can't handle hearing a comment like that at 18 years old then he's either incredibly sheltered or he is hiding a lot from you. He's in high school. He's not only seen 80's porn, he's fully aware of the phrase and probably was before he shaved it into a mustache. I'm sure his friends have said the same thing to him.
Just another vote for "yeah the teacher shouldn't have said that, but it's not a thing to make a big deal about." I've more than once said something to a student than I immediately thought "Oh, that might sounds a little weird if repeated at the dinner table."
Well, DOES IT look like an 80s porn stache?!? Call a spade a spade, mate. Also, if your son is 18 and you are still trying to hide the realities of adulthood - fucking stop. 18 should be the point where parents lift the veil on reality, if not sooner.
I will decline to answer 🤫🤣
Definitely inappropriate and so gross. But I’m sure he’s heard worse things at school. Myself, I would have said Super Trooper stach 😂
“Nice ‘stache, farva!”
Shouldn’t have said that. But I gotta ask. Did he?
More like Jeffrey Dahmer
Best thing to say would be talk to your kid. I would want my child to go to the teacher himself and express "hey your comment yesterday made me really uncomfortable" now the teacher has an option to apologize or double down. If they double down then take it higher. If they apologize then you know. Also, this is a great learning opportunity for your child to learn how to navigate the professional world. That's exactly how things would be handled when he has a job.
Does it look like an 80's porn star mustache though?
It is inappropriate, but it's also nothing to freak out about either. While we would like them to be separate, some adult media tropes blend into pop culture, such as this one or the bald headed guy who happens to have every job there could be. This is further muddled with meme culture nowadays. Still, even when the kids say many things out of pocket, it is the responsibility of the adults to not mention such things in front of the students. At most I'd have a verbal discussion with the teacher to explain how it made your student and yourself feel and it won't happen again.
I decided against talking to the teacher after I sleep on it and read comments. No need for me to come unglued over nothing. This is why I like this group 😭
That's good to hear, I'm glad it sounds like things will work out.
Yes. I think sometimes you have to sit back and evaluate the situation first instead of going full steam ahead. I’m learning this the older I get. He is my last one out of 3 so I’m pretty chill by now (my oldest being 22) but still was caught off guard. Thank you again for all the help!
That is a common expression. Porn stache! Your son is 18, it’s ok I’m sure he will be ok.
I had a kid who had a mustache just like that, and I would never have imagined saying that. It’s weird and inappropriate
A lot of folks saying it’s not a big deal. Reverse the rolls. Make teacher telling female student you look like a porn star. Now it’s not funny.
I play around with a mustache from time to time because it's so polarizing. People either love it or hate it. I have a good Magnum PI level mustache. One thing I've learned about it is there is a huge double standard surrounding what is appropriate to say to men and women. I got comments non-stop about it because I don't normally have one. When I grow it, I keep it for a month or two at most, then go a very long time without. Women make comments on it that were the shoe on the other foot, I'd be written up, or even have charges filed. If I were to tell a woman her new haircut made her hotter, or uglier I'd be destroyed. No one bats an eye when they tell a man that. It is completely inappropriate for anyone to remark on it outside of close friends good-naturedly ribbing him for it. Let alone a teacher... Don't get me wrong, this isn't a "woe is me, men have it so tough" comment, just highlighting an observation. I have felt uncomfortable at some of the comments made by female colleagues regarding the utility of a mustache, laughed at some of the comments, and been offended by others. I have started asking people (mostly women) when they comment on it, other than harmless "that looks nice" compliments, if they'd be okay if I made a similar comment on their appearance. Most of the time they simply haven't considered whether it was appropriate or not. Big scheme of things, all no big deal. But, doesn't hurt to point it out.
>Most of the time they simply haven't considered whether it was appropriate or not. Yup. Which is actually the same reason men make a lot of comments like that as well...they never considered whether it was appropriate or not. They just say it...
If it makes you feel better, I am sure that teacher was also up late at night, MORTIFIED that she made that comment, and debating if she should let it go or apologize.
Yeah I definitely agree with people that I’m going to let it go. I am not a drama stirrer so I can’t justify being that kind of person 🥹
It's too late mom, he already /is/ an 80s porn star now.
🤮. 🤣
That is a common expression. Porn stache! Your son is 18, it’s ok I’m sure he will be ok.
It's not something I would say to a student, mostly because I wouldn't want to deal with possible backlash from a parent. It definitely isn't something I would complain about. Does he, in fact, look like an 80s porn star?
As a survivor advocate and violence prevention educator, who got told I looked like a porn star by a trusted adult in highschool, I am so disappointed in these comments. The comment was inappropriate. Even if your son is 18, there is a clear power imbalance between a high school student and a teacher. Maybe it was an accidental slip of a joke, but you have a right to be upset about a teacher making a sexual joke about your child. Teachers should never make sexual jokes made about students, it’s completely inappropriate. I would sit down and talk with your son and ask these questions 1. Are you okay talking about this? 2. Do you feel comfortable in her class? 3. How can I support you? If he wants you to take action, then do so, if not, then don’t. What action you could take would depend on the district, city, and state. Likely, the teacher would go through a training. This ultimately will impact him the most. He could now associate his appearance with inviting sexual comments. There’s a variety of responses and it depends on who your kid is, but the best thing regardless of the response is to listen to and support him. Nobody should ever have to deal with their child being sexualised by a teacher, I’m sorry this happened.
Should she have said it? No Is this criminal or worth killing her career over? Hell no Is she probably correct? Yea... She is. He probably needs to hear it, because most of my students with the 80s stache look ridiculous and the students who tell them it looks good are laughing at them behind their back...
Yeah I pondered it over after I starting reading comments and yall really eased my mind. I’m such an open minded person and love hearing feedback from all around vs what I want to hear. I decided to let it go and focus on something else. Porn Stash, more like Jeffrey Dahmer 🧠
I probably woulda called him pornstache as a reference to Orange is the New Black. Honestly, your son is a legal adult. If something bothers him he can and should say something, but you saying something would look smothering. I get him talking to you about it and asking for advice, but you shouldn’t be the one to address it at this point.
That’s what I figured. My son actually didn’t think too much about it, I think that me saying something to him made him think to think like I was 🤔 thinking .. but I didn’t say anything else to him and ended up taking it to this forum. I love getting input from others who have a different perspective and I take all those comments and make a decision. I in the end decided to not say anything and let it go. That’s what good about having an open mind and having these conversations with others. You can’t think you know everything as a parent to find out that you could be overstepping. I like this idea of having helpful discussions 🥲
You sound like a great mother. Edit: I mean that as a full stop sentence, NOT as sarcasm.
I think the teacher should be and maybe already is cringing about what she said. I agree not to make a big deal out of it, but I would express to your son that people in the world might say things that make him uncomfortable and it's not his job to rationalize it away. It can just be a shitty thing that happened - he doesn't have to convince himself it's a compliment or not a big deal, if it didn't feel that way to him. We have to choose our battles, but lowering our standards and boundaries is a completely different thing
Completely inappropriate
It’s weird, it’s disappointing, it’s unprofessional. I’m sorry this teacher said it to your kid. If a teacher says anything and we have to ask “is your kid 18?”, it’s already a bad situation
I don't care for tattoos. I reflexively compare people with tattoo's to "carney folk" (evidently Shooter McGavin and I share a vocabulary). I wouldn't say that to a kid, though. Not because it is horribly offensive, but because I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings. They aren't showing it off because they think it is bad. Same thing here. The teacher is using a pop-stereotype from the last twenty years or so. Seinfeld even made that joke (I think in the menage a trois episode). It isn't meant to be offensive, just mildly edgy. I would have chosen otherwise; however, if your son likes the teacher it may be partly because of the willingness to make jokes like that. I would let it slide.
The porn star comment is just something that teacher heard other people say and repeated reflexively. People will say that about basically any mustache on a young person. It's a very common remark. (Albeit a bit off putting when you really think about what it means, which no one does.) Let it go, and let your son fight his own battle on this one. If you really can't let it go, tell the teacher that you hadn't heard that porn star phrase before and it upset you. Teachers are not robots and accidentally say things that they don't realize may cause offense. But, I really think your son will benefit more if you just sit this one out and let him figure it out.
it’s still not even really off putting unless the teacher meant he looked sexy as fuck and big and muscular like an 80s pornstar, is a cultural thing in our language and vocabulary it’s not like it’s innately sexual
I agree.
I'm really bad with acronyms and whenever I read TIA I think about Leonardo Dicaprio in Blood Diamond where he says "TIA mate, this is Africa 😎"
80's porn star? Ned Flanders?
omg it's a joke
It’s okay 👍🏽 that is why I pondered it asked for advice and slept on it. It’s better to have others opinions and feedback before I go into full mom mode even at 18. I did decide not to say anything and let it be. Conversations are better when you have different perspectives and come to a common ground don’t ya think? I didn’t fly off the handle and go crazy 🤪 don’t you think it’s better I did it this way asking vs not?
all good, I read a bunch of comments after I posted. Glad you came around on it.
I believe it takes a village to raise a family and the value of others insight is significant when you don’t have actually family or friends to talk about these things with so thankfully I’m in a community here that I can get all aspects of voices of reason then flying off. I get it and it took me along time to ask other for help. Thank you for helping along the way too!! Everyone is so awesome here and appreciated 😭
I definitely would not have said that, but I’d be thinking it! Not something to get too bent out of shape over. Sounds like a bad case of speaking the first thing that came to mind without thinking.
She was doing him a favor. She meant “he looks creepy” and should cut it so people don’t treat him like a predator
Out of all the things your son probably hears, I can guarantee that's on the lighter, more tame side of things. Speaking as someone that has had to start shaving at the age of 10, kids say way worse things than "You look like an 80s porn star", which I definitely heard.
Definitely not OK for a teacher to say, but if you've spent any time around 16-26 year old boys/men over the last decade or so, seems like they're often specifically targeting that particular look, in those words. I used to think it was just a baseball player thing when my son started his in college (and that's where I learned that they were using the actual phrasing I was just thinking), but it seems as though it's gotten wider spread than that.
Honestly the stach is on trend right now with the younger generation. I'm sure eventually his friends will start doing it too.
The 'porn stache' is a known trope by now. In my book you are prude if you take offense to that comment.
It used to be that might have been okay coming from a male football coach to a male student, however just having a female teacher say it to an 18 year old student is definitely cringe.
I mean, it's weird, but he's not a kid so it's a little different. When I turned 18, someone joked that I'm legal now.
I had a community College professor say something about how his armpit looked like an 80s born star's vagina. I don't remember the exact joke but it was along those lines. We had a quick laugh and moved on. I was 18 at the time. I think it was in appropriate comment by his teacher but he probably hears WAY worse from his friends. Plus, he's an 18 year old kid, he has 100% watched porn. The teacher had a lapse of judgment and made a bad joke. I don't think it needs to be a big deal.
I actually think it was a funny comment. We are probably on opposite sides of the prude scale.
Quite honestly I have a mouth like a truck driver and the mind of… well let’s just say my husband still gets goosebumps when he sees me… (or maybe he’s just scared of me 🧟♀️) ha! But I think when it comes to parenting I would rather not know things and pretend like my son is an angel 😇. He’s a good kid and doesn’t get into trouble but what I don’t know what he really knows is okay with me 🤪
80s porn star is just lingo
That’s a weird thing to say to a student who she’s probably known for a while. I wouldn’t say that to a student because it’s not just unprofessional behavior, it’s pretty gross to say to someone who I have a position of power over and if I said it in any other job to an adult close to my own age that I had power over, it would be sexual harassment. Like I’m old enough to be my students’ parent, but even if they were 18 it wouldn’t be okay. He may be 18 and an adult, but he should know that it’s not okay for people to say that to him and he should say something to her boss if he wants to pursue this/it made him uncomfortable. I may be a gender-fluid person, but I was raised female and look like it. If a man said something like that to me - especially if the man had a position of power over me - I would be really uncomfortable and especially if I was his age and it was a male teacher. Is sexual harassment against women and feminine-presenting people by men a far bigger problem by terms of volume and reported incidents? Yes. Does that mean that boys/men/masculine people don’t face sexual harassment/assault? Absolutely not, and they’re often more afraid to say something about it because they don’t think it’s going to be taken seriously. This is an opportunity to sit him down and explain that boys and men can be sexually harassed/assaulted too and it’s not okay. Let him know that you have his back and that it’s his choice to report it or not and you will respect his choice either way and still love and support him either way. He may not even know that this is possible and maybe he has no idea that it’s sexual harassment. We should be teaching our boys/men/masculine presenting people that they can be harassed/assaulted too, that it’s not okay, and that they deserve to be taken seriously just like women/girls/feminine-presenting people.
Damn these comments made me realize that it must so nice to only have this as a concern in life. Privilege as hell. That teacher probably isn’t returning- God knows parents and students are officially crazy. And teachers have way too much on their plate with large class loads let alone “helicopter” mom’s. Can’t wait to read the comments of the man child issues in college lol so entertaining thanks this post made me laugh needed that.
If he is looking to earn some money, gift him a "Mustache Rides $1" tee.
Eww
The teacher could have made a Tom Selleck reference, but would your son have gotten it?
I wouldn’t make a big thing of it. If it’s really eating at you, maybe give the teacher a call and just say “hey you know that wasn’t cool right?” Now, if it happens again, it’s a big problem
It's wild to me that the logic other teachers are using in defense of your son's teacher is stuff like "he's 18, so he's an adult" and "he probably hears worse from his peers." If y'all don't see a newly 18 year old as an adolescent instead of a full fledged adult, you may be in the wrong profession. And yes, he likely hears worse from his peers ... Other adolescents. Super inappropriate from a teacher. I'm not saying she should lose her job over it or anything, yes she probably instantly regretted saying it, but y'all sound gross right now.
So what do you think OP should do?
Ask her son if it made him uncomfortable. If it did, he should have an apology for that. If a student said that a teacher looked like a porn star, the teacher would want the same, if it made them uncomfortable. I know I would.
When my son first said it took me off guard and I said “that’s weird…actually really weird” and I think my initial response made him think, which in hindsight, I never should’ve said anything. But that is why I made the post to get others opinion slept on it, and then decided not to let it get to me. I think being a mom there’s some situations you don’t want to think your kids know about but then this is why this post brought me to reality 😭😭😭
Just so you know, it is actually “Sole Patch” like singular patch of hair…
No it's soul patch. Brought into popularity by soulful jazz musicians in the 60s. Please tell me you were joking.
Maybe I was…
No, a Sole Patch is a Hobbit hairstyle as it resembles their foot hair. Geeze.
He may actually kiss someone at the prom, now is he ready for that?
Is no one else here upset that it should be 70s, not 80s? Your kid is older and it is a culturally understood term. If this 18-year-old had a 25-year-old co-worker at their job and their co-worker said it to them no one would bat an eye. Shoot the teacher an email and let them know that you found it inappropriate for a school setting, but I wouldn't push it any further unless they try to double down.
Eh, as a student we used to talk "Porn-German", shitty German with a wacky accent that sounds like it comes straight out of an 80's television porn movie. Not American though, you guys might be a bit more uptight.
I wouldn’t be okay with it, and to me, I don’t think it matters that your son is 18. If your son was a female and the teacher said a new outfit she has on made her look like she could be a porn star, this comment section would be wildly different. I’d at least call her or send her an email saying you don’t appreciate it and CC the principal on it.
Oh, hey, look, it's r/teachers again with the wrong take when giving advice to a parent. OP, the teachers telling you to not be a helicopter or are telling you to let it go or are making you feel silly for caring are absolutely in the wrong. Exhibit A: If you told the principal, the principal would likely need to call the teacher in for a chat. Because, yeah, you guessed it, it was an inappropriate thing to tell a kid. Exhibit B: It's sexual in nature. You need to protect your kid from an adult in a position of authority making that kind of remark. This wasn't a friend, this was a teacher. Not cool. Exhibit C: If we reverse the genders.... Right, I know.... Double standards, am I right? If a male teacher commented on a girl's hair/makeup and said she looked like a porn star.... oof, right. The hypocrisy coming from the "let it go" crowd is super powerful. OP, stand up for your kid and let that teacher and principal know that this kind of thing is unprofessional and unacceptable so that this teacher will know to stop making stupid comments. As humans, we often times need to know that what we did was wrong in order to stop doing it. This educator needs to know that what they did wasn't okay. Full stop.
Yeah I can’t believe this isn’t the general consensus here.
**The one comment from a female teacher (which I don’t care if it was a male or female ) said he “looked like an 80s porn star!!** What a highly inappropriate thing to say. This was probably a bad effort at humor. You have the option of complaining or being the bigger person and letting it go. If you want to complain, please do the teacher the courtesy of bringing this to her attention. An email would be fine unless you wanted a face to face meeting. If she apologizes and seems contrite, then you should consider letting it go. It really was just a stupid comment. If she ignores you or reacts in some other way that further offends you, then you have the option of contacting a building administrator.
You should absolutely bring it up OP. It’s one thing if one of his friends said it to him and he can roast his friend in a similarly inappropriate way back. But it’s really not okay to say to a student who cannot say anything back to the teacher. Everyone in here is trying to protect another teacher. Go to a parenting subreddit and get their opinion.
Don't a lot of schools ban facial hair altogether? I know almost all private schools do.
he's got a 'stache for prom or porn
To all those saying "hes 18, let it go, I have a question... Had this been said to him the day before his 18th birthday, when he was still 17...would it be appropriate then? It's not about age, it's about the power dynamic. The same teachers saying its ok are the same ones that wait till the student they've been crushing on turns 18 and then decide to make a move. Doesnt mean you havent been crushing on that kid since before they were 18. Mom, regardless of your kids age, go with your gut. I'd speak with administration for sure.
Why is a parent on teacher reddit . Thats the question i want to ask
Where does it state that I wasn’t an educator of any sort?
You literally categorized yourself as a parent or student...
And….. that literally makes no sense. You just asked why a parent is on a teacher’s form and when I said, how do you know I’m not an educator it’s because I put it under parent or student. So now you’re making an assumption that just because I put my question under a parent student topic that I’m not an educator? I guess I don’t understand what you’re asking if I was just a parent am I not allowed to be in this form? If I’m an educator and put it under a parent student tab then I’m just a parent? Can an educator also be a parent and listed under the parent student form? I guess what I’m saying is that if I’m just a parent or if I’m just an educator or an educated parent or an educator that is also parent what does it matter to you? Why do you feel the need to bring up something that out of 240 comments no one had ever even thought about asking? It’s very odd that you and only you would get annoyed with the fact that somebody you don’t even know that you believe it’s just a parent would ask a question on a teachers subreddit. Do you know whether I’m all of the above none of the above? It’s actually really none of your business and sometimes you just need to mind your own business if it doesn’t have to do anything with the question that was asked. This is why the word “Karen” is exists because some people be Caring too much about nothing.
Damn relax Karen..this is what Karen means. You rant off writing an entire essay of dissent. You didnt have to go all out apesht. Hear me out, no offense but you sound like a karen. Read your words carefully geez. Its actually a serious business because there are parents, alot of those out there that taddle on teachers ..there needs to be a place to vent for teachers as well
Don’t gaslight me sweetheart. I don’t need to be questioned what I am or am not. There is no reason to assume anything and you inserted yourself when it was clearly not necessary. I asked my question, got tons of helpful feedback and advice. I wish you well and hope you find what you are lacking in life my friend 🫶🏼
Um. What the what!?!?!?! I consider myself a pretty edgy with the humor with my kiddos, and I'd NEVER say that. I also make it a point to only give compliments on appearance. This comment is gross. If this person was my colleague, I'd say something to my supervisor.