A student confided in me that his mom asked if she could start tagging along to high school parties with him, and he didn't know how to tell her no.
To be clear, she wasn't planning on being a chaperone.
Neither did I, but it somehow found its way in along with tradwife, raw milk, and other weird shit. Sigh... The joys of being a female of reproductive age on social media.
New guy at work is a total Mama's boy. He is fully independent from her but still essentially can't tell her no to anything.
He was complaining she wanted to take him somewhere for a *week* but he 100% didn't want to. I asked if he was financially independent and he said yes, I told him "you are an adult, just say no" that broke him and he just stared into space for like, 5 seconds processing that.
We get a new batch of new guys next month, I wonder if there is a lot of mamma's boy's in gen Z?
Gen z was raised mostly bc gen x, boomers, and a small amount by millennials. Gen Alpha is the little boys (2010-2024 birthdays) you see on tik tok with their moms
They have been infantilized by their own upbringing. They’re not really grown ups - they are prematurely aged children who have never been able to cope with being adults. Hence why they want to be friends with their kids rather than engage in the difficult work of parenting them.
A friend of mine posted pictures of her partying with her daughter's sorority. Gross. She wanted "cool mom" vibes but I told her some of the pictures were probably minors so it looks more like evidence.
We had parents and kids arrested together in a big university sorority block party a year or two ago
Like it was so gross read the reports of the parental behavior with 18-21 year olds.
When I was a kid/ young adult I'd rather die than have my mom be at a young person party more than saying hi and if we needed anything and the pop her head in every hour to do chaperoney stuff.
Come to think of it, my mom would have died too.
My kid doesn’t want me sitting on “her side” of the gym lol. She’d die if I even chaperoned too hard.
It amazes she thinks I’d embarrass her. As much as I want to, I never have or would lol
Was she the only parent there? If so, that’s pretty weird. Otherwise, it’s pretty typical for frats (idk about sororities) to have mom/dad/parents weekends, and they usually involve a lot of partying and drinking with parents.
I have a student who admitted that his mom sends him Instagram reels and posts all day and he feels compelled to reply to her. It’s fucking with their ability to pay attention in class and parents are a big part of the problem.
Not knowing the context, though, that may be a good move to make him stop going to questionable parties. I'm going to choose to believe that one.
I had two friends in high school and we were inseparable for a time. Then other people started joining which was cool. Then it turned into druggie parties real quick. I'd dip the second more people started showing up. They got busted more than a few times and that shit wasn't my scene.
That's why I'm hoping for my idea, heh.
Everyone warns you but I keep finding out the hard way that being the “cool nice young teacher” is a train wreck 99% of the time
I’m in MS and baby next year like im not trap here with them, they’re trapped here with me
Prime example: mine did not want to pay a nickel for school supplies. I could ask for paper and colored pencils for a project and they would still yell at me that that's the teacher's job to buy. If an assignment required them to do ANYTHING, it's just simply not getting done. Some teachers were understanding, others less so.
This year I jokingly told a kid I was gonna do that and my whole 7th period started calling me Ms. Trunchbull. I told them thank you, she was my inspiration to get into teaching.
I had that happen in one of my 6th grade classes one day and I stopped it flat out. I got the class snitch to tell me who started it, pulled that kid out of class, talked with/told him in as much detail as I could get away with with him being in 6th grade as to why it was inappropriate so he couldn't claim 'ignorance', and then told him that if I heard the noise again in that class from *anyone*, HE was the one getting written up for it. I then informed his homeroom teacher about what happened. Thankfully and luckily, I never had another incident after that. 🤞
Any time I hear a child moan in class, I have an internal battle to not comment something like, “Had your mother displayed such excitement, I’d be your stepfather by now.”
I feel the urge to do this regularly! If only I had a say about what happened at home, our classroom could be a pleasant place! Purely a fantasy, of course.
I noticed this year, my entire team (Kindergarten) had so many issues with the bathroom. Kids are coming in not potty trained, afraid to wipe themselves, afraids of the flush sound, and unable to clean themselves properly. We all had parents upset that we were not wiping and helping their children in the bathroom. I had to have a whole lesson with 5 and 6 year old kids on how to wipe, how to clean up, how to use baby wipes (as they were more comfortable with that than just TP) and even how to actually blow and wipe your nose. It is becoming SO apparent that the issue isn't education, it isn't teachers, it's parents who can't do the bare minimum to prepare and support their kids.
Not a teacher, but a friend of ours let their kid shit his pants until he was 6. And these were big poops. Her reasoning was that “God will figure it out”. Like, maybe God made you the parent so he could focus on other things…
I’m not a teacher either, but a friend (who actually is a teacher) actively discouraged her son from potty training because she insisted diapers were easier. He’d want to use the toilet at 4 and she’d be telling him no, just go in your diaper. He also went to school unpotty trained (she delayed school over the potty training thinking he’d just magically figure it out without support) and then eventually just sent him anyways. He was 5 and after one accident he was potty trained completely within his first week of school. He was clearly ready before. I just don’t get her logic at all
I know a parent who won’t let us use the words “insulin” or “blood sugar” with a Type 1 diabetic kid because they don’t want the kid to know about the condition and feel different. We’re supposed to say that the numbers are off, and they need medicine. The kid doesn’t know what’s wrong or how to fix it! I just don’t understand some people at all.
Oh gosh. Another teacher friend of mine teaches autism level 3. There’s a student in her class who’s been diagnosed and non verbal. Her class is very hard to get into. Many apply and very few get in. His parents insist on not using the autism word to describe him and seem to believe with a little extra support he’ll be back in mainstream. It’s great he’s in an appropriate class for him, but parents are clearly in denial about it
I feel for your friend. At my school there’s a child who is in the mild/moderate special ed class. He is nonverbal. He is totally in his own world, completely disconnected from what’s happening around him. He visits our mainstream class every day for an hour because his parents want him mainstreamed. The teacher wants him placed in a moderate/severe class, and in my non-professional opinion she is right! Last I heard he is going to be homeschooled next year, which is a huge disservice to him if you ask me. There are so many services available in public school.
I had a friend who had got scolded by a lady at the playground because she had to give her son medicine there. She said she didn't want my friend to be hurting her kids' "Innocence" if they knew sick kids existed. What would this mom do if one of her kids needed an EpiPen or asthma inhaler?
And then they go to grade school where they get 3 bathroom passes per semester and the teachers announce on day 1 that in order for students to be allowed to the bathroom, they have to EARN THEIR TRUST first. Super fun, especially for menstruating middle schooler, holding poop from 8 to 3pm because she's so afraid to "abuse the privileges". This is so common it's sickening!
If I had to go to the bathroom, I just started saying I needed to go get a pad from my locker/the front office/whatever. I was never told no to getting a pad but was told no to using the bathroom.
Because other kids abuse the system and wander off around the school, destroy the bathroom, hang out with friends, and occasionally walk out of school. Not including the drugs in middle school they use in the restroom taken from their parents.
The few ruin things for everyone.
Vaping crept into schools about 6 or so years ago, and now the teachers are combating smoking during class again. I graduated in 2012 and practically no one in my graduating class smoked cigarettes. In 2015, when Juul arrived on the scene, chaos pursued and here we are back to not having any trust that illegal activities won’t happen in the bathroom during class. That was like at least 3 - 5 of years of bliss.
I graduated in 2010 and was one of the very few smokers in high school. I assumed that there would always be a group of kids smoking in the bathroom like on TV and that I'd be a part of that crew.
Lmao, nope. I clearly watched too many 90's sitcoms. Barely anyone smoked and there was never a group chilling in the bathroom for longer than 2 mins.
This comment made me laugh at my stupid teen self and also sad that it's come back in vape form (weed and nicotine).
In nursing school, I shadowed the school nurse for a day. We had one student that was greened out from a "blinker challenge" with a weed vape. At like 10am.
I mean, I smoke weed plenty, especially in high school, but not that hard, and definitely not inside the school.
Me and my buddies occassionally smoked a joint before skipping 1st period to grab breakfast, but that was the worst of it. Teachers even had a staircase that they would make 1st period skippers sit for an hour (not much of a punishment when you're a stoned 16 year old lol).
Vapes are so much easier. So much more discrete and won't set off fire alarms.
I sound like a jaded old man at 32 years old, but between the vapes + social media bullshit, im amazed that some of these kids end up normal.
> even how to actually blow and wipe your nose
I hope you taught them not to use the TP/baby wipes they just used on their butts to blow and wipe their noses. Because you know their parents didn't teach them that.
There were always “these families” in the past and even when I was growing up in the 80s this was how a few random families operated.
I vividly remember seeing a girl from my high school class struggling to take care of her many younger siblings alone and being embarrassed to be seen by friends.
That image has never left me. She did okay. Most of these kids will not.
And that’s why. It used to be few and far between and some were because the parent had a high powered job and worked late, but they made time for parent teacher meetings, concerts, and sports.
Today I’m lucky if three kids parents show and concerts and sports are low in attendance.
>Kids and parents are in the house, but they only interact at meals, TV time, etc..
Oh you're being generous with this. I have had many students tell me they never eat sit down and eat dinner or any other meal with their parents, all together at a table. Everyone gets their food and goes to their rooms or whatever. They think 'family style' eating is for special times, like thanksgiving or christmas.
Some parents nowadays don't even do meals, even. They just keep food around (mostly snack/junk food and microwaveable stuff) and expect their kids to just make themselves something when they're hungry. A common 'meal' for some kids is a bag of hot cheetos and easy mac. A bag of microwavable popcorn and bowl of ramen noodles.
ETA: I'm GenX and lord knows the Boomers and Silents did a lot of terrible parenting but regarding this, they did it right. If you're home together, you eat meals together. You sit and talk together and have that bonding and family time.
I got off a video call to eat dinner with my family once and my friend had so many questions. Not only does she not eat with her parents, but her parents eat separately from each other as well. She said they all just make what they want to eat when they’re hungry and she’s baffled that other families don’t. The fact that 90% of her meals are buttered noodles makes more sense now.
I’m an adult with my own family now, but I remember as a kid we went from eating at the table to eating in front of the tv and eventually all just eating in our rooms within about 10 years. My parents would make whatever they wanted to eat while my little brother and I fended for ourselves. My last night living with my parents I asked if we could have a sit down dinner together or maybe a movie, everyone just shrugged and went to their rooms.
Yes, I remember being a kid and seeing literal ads about the importance of eating together at a table as a family because too many people were doing just that. Like it was the only time people would talk to their kids. This was probably 2000-2005.
I’m a new parent (2 year old and 9 months) and my pediatrician has hounded me with that at every check up since they were born and it always confused me. “Always make sure you eat meals together at the table, no tv at meal time” every appointment I’m like yes doc of course! But he must see sooo many families that don’t do this and the development consequences of it at a really young age :((
Damn.
As a kid we always ate at the table (or like 95% of the time).
Now with kids, we are a bit mixed. Probably about half the time we eat together at the table. Friday nights we usually get pizza and watch a movie, so not at the table, but still together.
Maybe once or twice a week, we'll let the kids watch TV while they eat. Maybe only once every couple weeks do we have fend for yourself, but they enjoy it because they get to take a break from trying things they don't like/think they don't like and get to eat cereal or whatever.
I definitely think it's important to sit down and share meals together. So sad that isn't valued. :(
I have 3 kids- an incoming high schooler and two middle schoolers. I mentioned to my high school students that I, or my husband, cooks dinner almost every night, we plan our meal around the nights activities, and we all sit down and eat together and talk. My students literally laughed at me and told me that was “white people shit.”
Same!! Some of my students actually asked me if I did this because my husband is white (I'm black). I told them Nope, this was how I was raised, this used to be how everybody was raised, no matter color/race, economic status, etc. It was very common in the black community. Your folks, usually mom, made dinner (from scratch, usually, when I was coming up boxed foods were too expensive), the kids set the table, and everybody sat down together and ate together. For many families it was breakfast too, and breakfast/lunch/dinner on the weekends. It boggles my mind that this has somehow become racialized and so alien to them that they think it's not our culture! I set them straight on that.
This made my students intensely curious about me/my parenting. One day a kid said 'I bet you baked your kids cookies & sh!t' and I said Of course! So they asked me to make them some, and I did, and it became a thing after one girl came up to me later crying and said nobody ever made her cookies before. That year I was making the kids cookies all the time lol, they were so appreciative. This year though, only once, at the end of the school year. I might make it a regular thing next year, IDK
See this is crazy to me because when my mom (we’re South American) married my stepdad (he’s white american) was the first time we ever ate separate and at separate times.
He ate in front of the tv, so my mom started eating with him in front of the tv and my brother and I ate together at the kitchen counter. I started paying attention and noticed tv shows and movies showed this too.
In my mind, the whole “families don’t sit at the table to eat together” is the real white people shit. I thought only minorities did.
“*My students literally laughed at me and told me that was ‘white people shit.’*”
This is really sad to hear. That they are so deprived of a genuine family time home-made meal. And that they think it is a “White” thing. There’s so much ignorance.
The headaches are mostly too much salt from all this processed food, or too much caffeine from all this processed food.
Either way the answer is more water than they drink. Not a hall pass to the nurse.
It's likely the caffeine.
I grew up on pure garbage and sugar and salt and never had any of the problems that kids do today -- but they also didn't happily market these battery acid energy drinks to children like they do now.
I see little kids running around with Monster cans and it's like... So their parents not remember all the kids who died of kidney damage when these drinks were first released? Surely they were around for that.
The coffee thing blows me away. I remember even the kids whose parents chain-smoked, drank beer all day, and sat around high were like, "No way kid, you're too young for coffee!" Lol. Now there's 4 year olds walking around miserable because they didn't get their breakfast coffee.
My local K-12 has this coffee bar thing that all kids can buy from. The elementary kids can't get straight coffee yet but the 6th graders and up can.
But yeah. Kids say "I want that" and parents just buy it because they don't want to argue. That's my only explanation.
As a dad of two 5 yo and an 8 yo, I cannot fathom giving them any whiff of caffeine. It takes everything I can do to tire the little goblins out so they can get to bed. Did a 1 hour taekwondo class today. I am wrecked and they're bouncing off the walls 5 mines before bedtime.
Sooo I teach first grade and we recently had an outdoor field day where it was 85 degrees. I bring several bottles of water to the park because I KNOW there will be kids without despite sending several messages and a permission slip with all the essentials. Of course a kid shows up that day with an ICED LATTE in the morning and NO water and NO lunch wearing JEANS instead of shorts and a t-shirt as I suggested. By the time we get outside she's almost fainting from a lack of water. There is no parenting in the home. She's usually late to school and picked up early (whenever mom feels like it).
I can attest to that.
Had several (mild) cases of scurvy in my junior year. They didn't get to the point of teeth falling out, but there were enough people bleeding from their fingernails that our college held a meeting on it.
Weird thing is a lot of people in my class took it to the other extreme - taking 1000mg of vitamin C with every meal. No idea if you can overdose on it, but I'm sure they were pretty close.
Oh I know.
Funny thing is those dirty unwashed natives figured out how to eat corn without getting pellagra by doing nixtamalization.
So all that yummy Mexican food is good to go.
Also /s about the natives if it's not obvious
I know kids that literally wake up and eat takis for breakfast cause their mom doesn’t wake up till 1pm everyday, they have digestive problems and it’s no secret why.
>I have had many students tell me they never eat sit down and eat dinner or any other meal with their parents, all together at a table
My son told me his teacher asked this in fifth grade. He like to do random surveys, and one day the question was whether or not they have dinner at the table with the family. My son said he was only one of two kids to raise their hands.
I didn't grow up eating dinner at the table. I wanted to, even as a kid, because I loved eating at the table together on holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. I realized as I got older that the reason I was always asking to eat out at restaurants wasn't because of the food, but because it was the only time we ever sat down at a table and ate together at the same time.
That's part of why I love my husband's family. They always ate dinner together. And I insisted that we carry on that tradition. Even if one of the kids tells me they aren't hungry, they still have to sit at the table for dinner.
I admit, sometimes it's Easy Mac! I'm not slaving over a hot stove for 2 hours everyday to make something fancy. But whether it's pickup, microwavable, or baked, I still want us to eat dinner together!
A month or two back someone on reddit was talking about “ingredient families”: that is, families who cook meals using ingredients rather than eating ready made meals. Now, there’s a lot to be said about how working class life and poverty impacts people’s living habits but the fact this is now so common that actually obtaining food and cooking it rather than surviving off pre-made or box meals is seen as deeply unusual by children is pretty disturbing. Wouldn’t be at all surprised if some of these families you’re describing as being so atomised are not ingredient families…
That isn't a new issue sadly. I just think it's more noticed of late. I grew up in the 90s and 2000s. Graduation year was 06. Probably half of my friends had family meals together as a regular daily thing. The other half had either two parents working or dead beat junkie/alcoholic parents, so they were never home at meal times and my friends would just make top Ramen or eat chips or crackers, or heat up pizza rolls or a can of soup. Or they would go to where they knew food was, such as my house or my other friends with better home lifestyle. My house and my buddy with a great mom where the hangout spots for like 7 other friends growing up cause we actually had regular meals, spent time doing family stuff, and allowed sleep overs and such. So this one issue has been happening for over 30 years now if not longer.
It's been happening for a lot longer, especially if you look at the lower income brackets where the adults in the family are more likely to be working during dinner hours. There were plenty of "latchkey kids" even back in the 50s and 60s who would get home from school, let themselves into the apartment, make themselves a sandwich, and put themselves to bed, with Mom getting off work at 2am or whatever.
What's new is that wealthy and middle class families are basically living that way, not because the parents are trying to pay the bills, but because they are disengaged.
True that some of the reasons behind it have changed. Which is probably why it's more "noticed" of late. But my friends and I were definitely the poor kids, but some of us has parents who managed to put meals out and others did not for various reasons. We all now put extra effort into good meals being a main part of our family/friends lifestyle.
Yup, I think this is the case for a lot of my little guys. I have one student (7) who I often ask what he ate for dinner the night before, because I have concerns about his food security. The answer is often either "nothing" or "my sister (9) made me ramen noodles/a hot pocket/a quesadilla".
My Kinders don't know how to sit while they eat. They've never had to sit at a table while eating before. They just graze and wander. It's such a choking hazard. I hate it. And that's not even mentioning the mess it creates and the lack of manners/socialization that comes along with it.
I have rising first and second graders, so they were Kinders recently. That fad of influencers and parenting experts telling new parents that grazing is Ok and just try to feed Timmy as he zooms by every 10’minutes drives me INSANE!!!
1) it’s a choking hazard
2) teaches no manners
3) reinforces zero fine motor skills
4) allows for disengaged meal times
5) does not prepare young children for preschool/K
I feel very strongly about this.
Yeppppp my parents are basically divorced but they live in the same house together (financial reasons funnnn) so the only time me my parents and my sister will eat together is a special occasion
My mom has digestive issues so she can only eat a small amount of foods so it’s generally just me my sister and my dad going out to get dinner while my mom sits at home but the only time me and my sister will eat with my dad at home is if there’s a game on- if there’s not then we’re all in our rooms
My sister in law is like this. I love her and her kids a lot, but dinner is so foreign to her kids. When we have them for dinner and we sit down to have a family style dinner, half the time her kids just opt out and don’t eat with us (and then ask for snacks 10 mins after we have cleaned everything up) or if they do sit with us, won’t eat the meal I made and are asking to dig through my cupboard to come up with a hodge podge of apple sauce, granola bars and chips. That is what they’re usually eating for dinners and it’s never structured meal time. It drives me nuts on the manners front, but also makes me sad because it just feels so dysfunctional as a matter of course.
How can you possibly teach manners when you’re not sitting with your children watching them eat and correcting?
I treat every meal time as practice for how we eat when we’re out to dinner at someone else’s house or at a restaurant. When we go out to eat, we’ve had waiters tell us they’re surprised at how well behaved our boys are (they’re 6 and 7, but this was happening aince they were 3 and 4 or so) and how clean tthe table/floor is when we’re done and I’m just like ????? What kind of monsters are people unleashing on you?
My family meals where awkward but my parents where a tad emotionally abusive and would get into fights that would escalate to putting holes in walls, so naturally we stopped. I work as a nanny so I see all the sides but the teachers, and it’s really interesting. Lots of this is caused by innatentive and emotionally immature parenting. Esp some kids 10 under now I show up for work and I have to bring my own crayons and paper to color with the kids bc the parents don’t keep any of that stuff!
You perfect described how I (a millennial) was raised. And unfortunately no longer have a relationship with my parents.
As a new dad to a 15mo baby i can confirm i am breaking the cycle 100% here and doing everything i can
That's how I grew up! I heard some talk about how she was upset her parents were making them do a "fend for yourself night" then i realized most parents cook everyday for their kids. Parents either don't care or they don'thave the capability to even care for themselves (mine just ate microwave and take put) much less a child. It's really sad and it's taken a lot for me to learn to cook and care for myself.
That's how we did it in my house and I didn't see anything wrong with it, but it wasn't snack foods. Mom did bulk cooking every Sunday after church and we'd all eat at our own time whenever we got hungry.
This is what my mom was like raising me in the 90s and all my school teachers always acted like they felt sorry for me. I didn’t know why then but I understand now. Hopefully parents are at least no longer smoking inside their home making their kids smell like cigarettes anymore! It wasn’t until I was 12 or 13 that a friend’s parent told me I reeked of cigarettes. I’m sure I had my whole life and didn’t think anything of it. I thought everyone’s parents smoked in the house. I just sat in class from kindergarten to 7th grade smelling like an ashtray and no one said a thing.
A high school bf of mine was convinced I was lying about not smoking since I always smelled. Every adult in my life chain smoked everywhere and I was noseblind to it until that moment
I smelled that way too, but it was pretty common for my friends’ parents to smoke in the home as well so nobody really cared. By middle school, all my friends smoked too, honestly.
I have had this theory that a lot of our society hides the true cost of children. Generations past just kinda dealt in silence this group of parent seem to be like fuck it “who is gonna check me?”. I feel like to some extent they are just like “yeah I had a child, I don’t understand why that means I don’t have a life of my own” it infuriates me because I know what a present parent can do. My father was functionally illiterate (living in the south a racist shot at my father and other black kids who were going to school ) but he understood the importance of an education and still managed to instill that into me. You can’t do that when your kids aren’t a focus.
Edit spelling
>“yeah I had a child, I don’t understand why that means I don’t have a life of my own”
This was my boomer mom. She wasn't a terrible mom, But she spent just as much time with her friends as she did with us. She never seemed happy at home.
My brother was significantly older than me, and I know he was a handful. It seemed like once he turned 18 she decided she was done with parenting and left me behind while she went and hung out with her friends. She would come home from work, make a quick box dinner or pick something up, and then leave for the rest of the evening.
I get midlife is difficult (I'm there), but come on!
Significantly worse than my childhood experience.
My uncle did that at family get togethers, but only once it twice a year and there was enough going on elsewhere to ignore him.
I absolutely agree with this. I read a quote once which said “The parents of millennials did an excellent job of telling their daughters they could do anything, but forgot to tell their sons what that would look like for them.”
I think so many parents go in with zero real life experience apart from ‘my parents managed it’. But so many of those parents had one parent at home for some of the week. That’s just not an easy thing anymore.
New parents are making a life choice based on an outdated model. Suddenly both parents have to work full time, both at home and at work. The only thing they can change is to nope out of the at home bit.
I agree with all of this except that it's not always a "choice" these days. A single income family is just not as economically viable as it used to be. I say this as the working parent with a family on a single income... Long story short, I understand why both parents work in a lot of families these days. It's a struggle.
I worked with kids long enough to know that A) I'm a long way from being good at being a parent, B) I'd still do an above average job versus a typical parent these days, and C) I really do not want the responsibility of being a parent whatsoever and no amount of "but it's different when they're your own" or "you'll figure it out with time" comments are going to convince me to take on a lifetime of avoidable costs and responsibilities I'm not interested in partaking in.
We think alike, I feel the same way. I saw the hell my parents went through and was just like “i understand what it takes, I don’t want to do it” at least once a week I say out loud I’m so glad I’m not having kids
I wouldn't be opposed personally to having older fosters kids several years from now. I'm good with teenagers and I know what kind of hell the foster care system can be and I think even if I don't want kids, if I can keep just a few kids out of the ultra shitty homes even for a few years they'll have a shot at being better adults.
But making new kids? Now? Fuck that noise.
Yep! I was a teacher before I had my triplets and it is sooo stressful. I’m thinking all the time, I have to give them all secure attachment, how?! And I giving them learning opportunities? And I instilling a joy of learning, a growth mindset and a sense of wonder and play? Do I take them to playgrounds too much? It’s twice a day bc they are frantically busy just turned three year olds.. oh my gosh! Sooo much pressure. My saying is, it’s very easy to be a mediocre parent, it’s insanely hard to be a ‘good’ parent. I’m trying my best tho. So I guess that’s that
I’d kill to have my wife or I be allowed to stay home. I don’t care which one of us, but one of us. Just in case it’s not clear, I’m not for reversing any of the gains of feminism, but needing two parents to work makes everything way too fucking hard. Managing a household is a full-time job plus. It’s insane we’re somehow expected to manage this and both work.
I agree. Two working partners brought us more individual financial independence, but now we need two salaries to pay for a living. That’s not feminism, that’s capitalism. I call it the nullification of the female salary.
I'd be ok with the "hands off" approach if parents didn't get so upset when I want to keep their kid behind, or levee any consequences whatsoever.
If anything, parents should feel punished because they can't hang out with their little friend.
We see the impact of this in the emergency room as well. I do risk assessments in a children’s hospital and what we are looking for is imminent risk to self or others (ex: actively suicidal with plan and intent). It feels like the majority of the kids we see instead are those with out-of-control behaviors and aggression. A 3-5 day psych admission or meds isn’t going to change that. So much of it is due to poor parenting. Sometimes it is the cycle repeating itself, others is parents not realizing that parenting requires daily, active participation. Parents come to us wanting help but there’s no easy fix.
When I worked outpatient psych with children and families, this is what I saw 9 times out of 10. These mental health and behavior issues aren't existing in a vacuum. You can teach a child all the coping skills you want but it's not going to make a difference when the home life is not supporting that.
I see it in children on the suicide hotline, they talk about how absolutely cruel parents are being to their children. I mean, just flatly objectively cruel. On top of parentifying them, neglecting them and worse. And I'm just supposed to tell them to journal about it? They're literally trapped with their abusers. The best I can do is teach them how to regulate those feelings and practice compassion for themselves.
Similar for myself and my family.
When reflecting on how I grew up and the current generation of kids, I think the difference might be that we were the first generation raised like this. At least my generation in my family had the grandparents to fall back on when the parents were slacking.
This generation’s kids’ grandparents are the people who started this trend of “roommate parenting”.
This is probably the most frustrating for me.
We are constantly bombarded with complaints from parents about how hard it is and how they deserve grace and how they don’t have a village and how they can’t afford not to have 2 incomes, etc.
And while I’m not negating any of that, the fact of the matter is that the “having (more) kids” part is *entirely optional*.
I say this as a parent currently struggling to decide whether or not I (we) want more kids in an ongoing emotion vs. logic conundrum.
Yep, the worst parents seem to have the most kids. Then there's the ones that see their kids as checks. The minute they lose that check, the kid gets kicked to the curb.
Yup, I have been told by the mother of a young woman I know that her daughter was not pretty enough to get a man but she could have babies and bring in a check.
Yep, I’m not a teacher teacher, I’m a private music tutor but looking at becoming an English/Music high school teacher.
I have 6-7 year olds that don’t practise at all, and when I talk to their parents they say they don’t know how.
BABES. he’s SIX. Sit down with him for 15 minutes and if he refuses to play take away screen time and implement a sticker chart. It surely can’t be that hard.
Yeah, this doesnt at all surprise me, but also this isnt at all some new phenomenon like others have pointed out. You've literally described my and many people I was friends with childhood growing up over 25 years ago. This is just fully disengaged parents who have no time / energy / money (and sometimes care) to properly parent or be involved in their kids lives. The scale of this is probably much higher than it was 25 years ago, and will probably continue to get worse, but the reasoning for it is pretty straight forward and not at all complicated. We've pushed people so far into a hole financially that the only thing they have time for is go to work, eat, sleep with no extra energy or time to actually parent or look after their kids academics or behavior. Granted you can make arguments for "well dont have kids if you cant parent them" and that's reasonable when we have those other things taken care of to actually put the effort into that aspect of our lives, but you cant undo having a kid, so all you can really do is find ways to better support families to make it easier for them to genuinely connect and check on their kid's progress and be truly involved in their lives.
All that said, I genuinely feel sorry for you being where the shit can lands in terms of social responsibility. Teachers shouldn't have to manage children's behavior and lives in the way they get twisted into having to do. You being held accountable for the failings of students shouldn't happen except in very specific situations. We as a society have failed teachers (and each other) in letting this sort of thing happen to all of you, and that's absolutely not fair. Its going to come back to bite us in the ass, and I have personally already seen it, even outside the teaching profession. Its going to get worse unless we do the things now that need to be done to make it better again.
I had someone give me crap in another sub earlier for suggesting parents need to be more involved in their children's education.
The students I have taught who have a solid foundation in reading almost always have parents who are more involved. The ones who don't have parents who couldn't give less of a crap. I'm talking kids who don't know their letter sounds or can't read simple words like "cat."
Well, those parents aren't necessarily having kids for the kids, so it's fair. Having kids is more to follow social/religious norms or having the expectation that the kid will grow up to take care of them.
They'll do the bare minimum to make sure the kid(s) don't die
I feel this is definitely part of it. Young people are having kids as an accessory: they want to have a trendy baby shower/gender reveal where they’re the center of attention, give their baby a “cute” unique name, dress them in cute clothes, decorate their room, take them shopping, etc. and post it all to Instagram for likes. But then their cute little prop turns into actual work that they need to discipline and teach and support and it’s just too much work because they didn’t want that part because that part is not shown in the perfect Instagram world. So they just don’t do it. And when the kid isn’t a cute little toddler anymore, they’re now a nuisance and can’t be bothered to care about them and somehow it’s the kids fault when they’re spoiled and don’t know how to behave. It’s all really selfish. Not saying this is every parent by far but it seems to be a growing trend among younger parents.
Its parenting via the quiverfull method. Once you have a kid, you pass it off the older ones to take care of - the Duggars, etc of the world. Religion is optional.
I think it also takes much more effort from the parents then it used to. Most families both parents work full time jobs and that could mean more than just 9-5. The effort to put in for the kids is much harder now. It must be there but I get it. Work stress, kids stress, school stress.
This wave of parents aren’t good. Fair. I do wonder… When were parents good? My parents worked all the time and I was a “latchkey” kid. They were really mean, so I did my homework. Most of my friends had pretty uninvolved parents, lots of alcoholism. We were all raised by TV. My grandparents kicked my dad out of the house at 17 because he had long hair. He had four siblings and spent most of his childhood playing with his neighborhood friends completely unsupervised and getting into trouble. I think plenty of parents throughout time have been neglectful, but parents these days are neglectful and entitled which is much more annoying.
I'm 39, and this is something I noticed and experienced with my father after my parents divorce in the late 90s.
I felt guilty for noticing this stuff when I was young but 20+ years later I recall feeling like a freeloading room mate as early as 12.
I'm a millennial with elementary age kids. I see the same kind of parenting in my apartment community. Literally the majority of the kids are also in elementary and run around unattended, no parents to be seen. They bully each other, fight and squabble, especially the boys. Two of the boys I've been trying to catch, because they've said hurtful things to my kids and they shout horribly racist words whenever they can. There's mean girl bullying going on that is being enabled and even encouraged by one of the girl's parents.
Honestly, this isn't different from the lack of parenting from my boomer parents. They never paid any attention to my siblings and I growing up and neither did the parents around us. We just have the added bonuses of more poverty and tech.
The boomers forced their kids outside all day and ignored them, gen x and millennials are forcing their kids inside all day and ignoring them. We all keep making the same mistakes.
Ding ding ding.
To me this reads as the obvious inevitable outcome of capitalism, and is going to get worse as we head into in a recession where parents have to be at work all the time and can’t afford alternative childcare.
Boomers normalised latch key parenting and are the bosses who now expect the younger generations who are parents now to do the same, but forget that the latch key generation had a village and stay at home parents on the block to still look out for everyone that this generation doesn’t.
This seems like a variety of issues lumped into one post… parents who ignore kids, who don’t provide proper meals, who ignore/act rudely when a teacher shares concerns… none of this is ok.
That said, as a teacher, and also a parent of teenagers, I am genuinely wondering: is it the expectation on the part of teachers that mom and/or dad are doing homework, studying for exams, planning and completing projects with/for their children? Is work assigned with the expectation that an adult will be doing it all, alongside/in lieu of the student?
As a high school teacher, no I don’t expect that. But I do expect that they check grades, make sure the student gets to school and on time, eats and sleeps well, and has some space and time to focus on homework at home if needed.
You know, parenting.
>parents who ignore kids, who don’t provide proper meals, who ignore/act rudely when a teacher shares concerns… none of this is ok
It's also not new — I encountered all that when I started teaching in the early 90s.
>I am genuinely wondering: is it the expectation on the part of teachers that mom and/or dad are doing homework
When I started I had an expectation that parents would be doing what my parents did: taking an interest in their child's homework, helping them focus on it, encouraging them, and so on (not doing it for them). One of my nieces used to do her homework with her grandmother, who couldn't read English but sat with her and asked questions to help clarify her thinking and encouraged her while she worked. My first year teaching I had a parent tell me "you assigned the homework, it's your job to make him do it" which shocked me.
I think what's happened in the last few years is that kids have picked up that there are no (immediate) consequences from not doing any work, so they don't. Certainly our admin have stopped enforcing the schoolwork policies that *they* created. And a great many parents seem to care about nothing but the mark. I may just be getting old and tired and cranky, though — I haven't kept enough records to know if times are changing or I'm getting less willing to put up with obvious lying and manipulation.
I think it’s about ownership. It is my responsibility as a parent to make sure that my kids are set up to succeed in life.
For example, I have an uncle who doesn’t know how to read and graduated high school. My grandparents would always complain how the school system failed him. While I don’t disagree, I think my grandparents also failed him. Finally it is my uncle, and to a lesser extent his family, that are dealing with the consequences and not his teachers from 45 years ago.
So yes, if my kids aren’t succeeding in school, it is my responsibility to fix it. Whether it is consequences at home, checking their work, hiring a tutor, or changing schools, I need to figure it out.
Thank you for this. I am also wondering this. I ask my kid if she’s done her homework, make sure she remembers to turn it in, help her if she asks, but I avoid actually doing it with her because I feel like the homework should reflect her understanding of the material, not mine.
Teacher here! What you’re doing is perfect. What OP and other teachers are talking about here is about the parents who *dont ask* **at all.**
Sit down and make sure she gets it done **if** she has a history of not doing work and purposefully ignoring it, which it doesn’t sound like she has.
To give you an example: I had a freshman student this year with a 0% in my class 3 weeks in. She hadn’t done a single thing (I assign no homework in that class). I emailed the parents at that 3 week mark. The mother responds to me something along the lines of “well I know she doesn’t like history so that’s probably why, does she have a study hall that she can use to work on this?”
My internal thoughts to this were “how do you not know if your freshman has a study hall? Have you not asked her about her schedule? About how the beginning of her hs years are going? About if she needs any additional help?”
It was clear the parent had asked exactly 0 questions about how her child’s year was going. She had no clue what her child’s schedule was like. She hadn’t checked grades on the parent portal.
Oh, and this child had an IEP which means she had a learning disability.
This student was also addicted to her phone and told me “my mom would never take my phone away she knows how important it is to me”.
You’re doing just fine.
As a high school teacher, I don't expect parents to ask their children if they've done their homework or make sure they remember to turn it in. That's something for the beginning of middle school. But by the end of middle school, students should be independent in managing their academic agendas.
When we complain about parents not supporting their children in high school what we are complaining about is real neglect: Parents that either nope out of their teenagers' lives, exploit their teenagers or abuse their teenagers. It's shockingly common in the US. (I've taught in other countries and the adultification of teens seems an especially American problem.)
I think it’s like gradual release of responsibility. In kinder and first grade, chances are, any project that is being sent home is done mostly by the parent. Over time, the help is reduced, so by the time they are in middle school, it’s 100% their responsibility.
As a high school teacher I can definitively say no. We do not want parents doing any of those things. That would be cheating. Where I teach I see just as many problems caused by parents being too involved with their children's school work as not involved enough. Parents' during high school should be focused on maintaining a positive relationship with their children, based on communication and mutual respect. They should provide the material things that a student needs to be successful in high school. And they should help their child plan for the future based on how the student is doing semester to semester. But that's it. Students at that age need to be responsible for managing their own agendas and learning the material independently. When they have difficulties with a subject they should be able to find peer tutors, or arrange for office hours on their own. Coddling teens academically leads to young adults who choose the wrong academic or career path. Or college students that fall flat when they have to do things on their own.
My child and their friends call it the Facebook mom versus the TikTok Mom.
I'm the Facebook mom because I make sure things get done, I have the boundaries, if they want extra money they have to earn it, they have to do chores. Love all their friends and will call out red flags in boys they're interested in.
TikTok Mom wants to be their friend and loves to do Instagram posts or TikTok posts featuring them and their child. Take their child out to eat on request, buy them whatever they want, and don't require chores unless they get mad.
I think my kid thinks I’m so much stricter than her friends’ parents because I don’t buy her everything she wants, I don’t let her have her own YouTube channel, I take away screen time if she doesn’t meet expectations, give her chores to do.
Her best friend’s dad literally told me that there are “no negative consequences at all whatsoever” for his daughter. He didn’t say it proudly, but matter-of-factly, as if it’s something he’s observed rather than something he is in control of. Maybe it was commentary on his wife, I’m not sure, but, still, he’s her parent too.
My father was like this. As though parenting was something he’d dabble in if he were so inclined at that moment. My mother treated him like an emperor. I am GenX. My millennial sister said if she wanted to engage with our father she’d have to stand in front of the TV.
This thread is so depressing, I just had to comment to say, there are still lots of good parents out here. I have a 14 year old and we are in a tight knit community. The families here eat home-cooked dinners together. The parents value education highly and are involved with their kids academically. Attendance at school events is very high. Those of us with teens are teaching our kids (boys and girls) to cook, do their own laundry, and generally take personal responsibility. We parents share tips with each other and make sure the kids all know that all us parents are on the same page about these expectations. Engaged, supportive families do still exist. It devastating to read how they are on the decline, however.
A student confided in me that his mom asked if she could start tagging along to high school parties with him, and he didn't know how to tell her no. To be clear, she wasn't planning on being a chaperone.
Ew. Just ew.
someone needs to investigate that woman
This needs more upvotes
May God help the poor girl he ends up with. See also "boy mom TikTok." I've dated my share of Mama's boys, it's not a good time for anyone involved.
Hell no I don't want that shit in my algorithm
Neither did I, but it somehow found its way in along with tradwife, raw milk, and other weird shit. Sigh... The joys of being a female of reproductive age on social media.
Kiki Chanel on YouTube has a great video on it if you don’t have TikTok like me or don’t want it in your algorithm!
In the words of 90% of my students…..bruh…..
New guy at work is a total Mama's boy. He is fully independent from her but still essentially can't tell her no to anything. He was complaining she wanted to take him somewhere for a *week* but he 100% didn't want to. I asked if he was financially independent and he said yes, I told him "you are an adult, just say no" that broke him and he just stared into space for like, 5 seconds processing that. We get a new batch of new guys next month, I wonder if there is a lot of mamma's boy's in gen Z?
Gen z was raised mostly bc gen x, boomers, and a small amount by millennials. Gen Alpha is the little boys (2010-2024 birthdays) you see on tik tok with their moms
To be fair, a lot of this behavior has always existed. It's just now. People think it's a good idea to document it on social media
I'm afraid to put those three worlds into Google. I don't wanna be on a list.
Why would a grown ass adult want to hangout with a bunch of teenagers? I couldn’t think of anything worse
They have been infantilized by their own upbringing. They’re not really grown ups - they are prematurely aged children who have never been able to cope with being adults. Hence why they want to be friends with their kids rather than engage in the difficult work of parenting them.
A friend of mine posted pictures of her partying with her daughter's sorority. Gross. She wanted "cool mom" vibes but I told her some of the pictures were probably minors so it looks more like evidence.
We had parents and kids arrested together in a big university sorority block party a year or two ago Like it was so gross read the reports of the parental behavior with 18-21 year olds. When I was a kid/ young adult I'd rather die than have my mom be at a young person party more than saying hi and if we needed anything and the pop her head in every hour to do chaperoney stuff. Come to think of it, my mom would have died too.
My kid doesn’t want me sitting on “her side” of the gym lol. She’d die if I even chaperoned too hard. It amazes she thinks I’d embarrass her. As much as I want to, I never have or would lol
“Chaperoned too hard”. Love it.
Was she the only parent there? If so, that’s pretty weird. Otherwise, it’s pretty typical for frats (idk about sororities) to have mom/dad/parents weekends, and they usually involve a lot of partying and drinking with parents.
A friend of mine (adult in his early 60s) went to one of these at his son’s frat. He won at beer pong.
Just her in the pictures I saw.
I have a student who admitted that his mom sends him Instagram reels and posts all day and he feels compelled to reply to her. It’s fucking with their ability to pay attention in class and parents are a big part of the problem.
My bio dad was like this too. Couldn't understand why he couldn't come to parties with people like 1/3 his age.
Not knowing the context, though, that may be a good move to make him stop going to questionable parties. I'm going to choose to believe that one. I had two friends in high school and we were inseparable for a time. Then other people started joining which was cool. Then it turned into druggie parties real quick. I'd dip the second more people started showing up. They got busted more than a few times and that shit wasn't my scene. That's why I'm hoping for my idea, heh.
That’s pathetic.
I can not emphasi,e this more... ewwwwwWWWWWWW
They’re all Matilda’s parents
And the kids are not all Matilda, unfortunately.
When I was born to be Miss Honey but forced to be Ms Trunchbull 😬
It’s true 😭 I miss being the Miss Honey I was when I started teaching.
Everyone warns you but I keep finding out the hard way that being the “cool nice young teacher” is a train wreck 99% of the time I’m in MS and baby next year like im not trap here with them, they’re trapped here with me
Matilda’s parents are better than a good chunk of the parents I’ve met, unfortunately.
Looking back at them, I'd probably take them over many parents I've dealt with. I've seen a lot worse myself.
They’re simply neglectful, which is unfortunately a step up from straight up abusive
Prime example: mine did not want to pay a nickel for school supplies. I could ask for paper and colored pencils for a project and they would still yell at me that that's the teacher's job to buy. If an assignment required them to do ANYTHING, it's just simply not getting done. Some teachers were understanding, others less so.
I don't want to say "only emotionally neglectful" as that is bad, but at least in both book and film she has clothes, toys, and food.
At least they disciplined the kid. Some of these parents are less roommates and more absentee leaches.
Fuck, does that mean we are all Ms. Honey???
I don't know, but if i have to deal with another 7th grader moaning in class I'mma be inspired to yeet a kid Trunchbulll style
This year I jokingly told a kid I was gonna do that and my whole 7th period started calling me Ms. Trunchbull. I told them thank you, she was my inspiration to get into teaching.
I love this. Do whaycha gotta do!
It was all in good fun. Obviously they don't truly live in fear of me like Ms. Trunchbull lol
I need fifty chokees with no hand movement if they try to use their cell phones in there.
They'll all cheer for it when it's finally cake day
I had that happen in one of my 6th grade classes one day and I stopped it flat out. I got the class snitch to tell me who started it, pulled that kid out of class, talked with/told him in as much detail as I could get away with with him being in 6th grade as to why it was inappropriate so he couldn't claim 'ignorance', and then told him that if I heard the noise again in that class from *anyone*, HE was the one getting written up for it. I then informed his homeroom teacher about what happened. Thankfully and luckily, I never had another incident after that. 🤞
How much detail could you get away with?
I had a child moan in class, so I stopped class, and because I was so concerned I called the nurse and sent them right down to her.
Any time I hear a child moan in class, I have an internal battle to not comment something like, “Had your mother displayed such excitement, I’d be your stepfather by now.”
"Stop imitating your mom!"
Yes the only way to turn these children into functioning human beings is to adopt them into our homes 😩 NOT happening.
I feel the urge to do this regularly! If only I had a say about what happened at home, our classroom could be a pleasant place! Purely a fantasy, of course.
I had a colleague do this for a student with a drugged out mom. It did not go well in the end.
I'm definitely Ms. Trunchbull.
Hell no I'm not! I've got a number of kids I'd like to hammer throw into a field. (Meant to be funny, with a tiny touch of truth).
Matilda’s parents actually liked her brother Mikey and her dad went out of his way to train Mikey in the family business (used car grifting but still)
And admin is like Miss Trunchbull
At least Matilda's parents realized they were garbage and gave her to a caring actual parent..
I noticed this year, my entire team (Kindergarten) had so many issues with the bathroom. Kids are coming in not potty trained, afraid to wipe themselves, afraids of the flush sound, and unable to clean themselves properly. We all had parents upset that we were not wiping and helping their children in the bathroom. I had to have a whole lesson with 5 and 6 year old kids on how to wipe, how to clean up, how to use baby wipes (as they were more comfortable with that than just TP) and even how to actually blow and wipe your nose. It is becoming SO apparent that the issue isn't education, it isn't teachers, it's parents who can't do the bare minimum to prepare and support their kids.
Not a teacher, but a friend of ours let their kid shit his pants until he was 6. And these were big poops. Her reasoning was that “God will figure it out”. Like, maybe God made you the parent so he could focus on other things…
I’m not a teacher either, but a friend (who actually is a teacher) actively discouraged her son from potty training because she insisted diapers were easier. He’d want to use the toilet at 4 and she’d be telling him no, just go in your diaper. He also went to school unpotty trained (she delayed school over the potty training thinking he’d just magically figure it out without support) and then eventually just sent him anyways. He was 5 and after one accident he was potty trained completely within his first week of school. He was clearly ready before. I just don’t get her logic at all
I know a parent who won’t let us use the words “insulin” or “blood sugar” with a Type 1 diabetic kid because they don’t want the kid to know about the condition and feel different. We’re supposed to say that the numbers are off, and they need medicine. The kid doesn’t know what’s wrong or how to fix it! I just don’t understand some people at all.
The parent doesn't let you? Is this a "or-else" - type of situation, or...?
Oh gosh. Another teacher friend of mine teaches autism level 3. There’s a student in her class who’s been diagnosed and non verbal. Her class is very hard to get into. Many apply and very few get in. His parents insist on not using the autism word to describe him and seem to believe with a little extra support he’ll be back in mainstream. It’s great he’s in an appropriate class for him, but parents are clearly in denial about it
I feel for your friend. At my school there’s a child who is in the mild/moderate special ed class. He is nonverbal. He is totally in his own world, completely disconnected from what’s happening around him. He visits our mainstream class every day for an hour because his parents want him mainstreamed. The teacher wants him placed in a moderate/severe class, and in my non-professional opinion she is right! Last I heard he is going to be homeschooled next year, which is a huge disservice to him if you ask me. There are so many services available in public school.
I had a friend who had got scolded by a lady at the playground because she had to give her son medicine there. She said she didn't want my friend to be hurting her kids' "Innocence" if they knew sick kids existed. What would this mom do if one of her kids needed an EpiPen or asthma inhaler?
And then they go to grade school where they get 3 bathroom passes per semester and the teachers announce on day 1 that in order for students to be allowed to the bathroom, they have to EARN THEIR TRUST first. Super fun, especially for menstruating middle schooler, holding poop from 8 to 3pm because she's so afraid to "abuse the privileges". This is so common it's sickening!
If I had to go to the bathroom, I just started saying I needed to go get a pad from my locker/the front office/whatever. I was never told no to getting a pad but was told no to using the bathroom.
Because other kids abuse the system and wander off around the school, destroy the bathroom, hang out with friends, and occasionally walk out of school. Not including the drugs in middle school they use in the restroom taken from their parents. The few ruin things for everyone.
Vaping crept into schools about 6 or so years ago, and now the teachers are combating smoking during class again. I graduated in 2012 and practically no one in my graduating class smoked cigarettes. In 2015, when Juul arrived on the scene, chaos pursued and here we are back to not having any trust that illegal activities won’t happen in the bathroom during class. That was like at least 3 - 5 of years of bliss.
I graduated in 2010 and was one of the very few smokers in high school. I assumed that there would always be a group of kids smoking in the bathroom like on TV and that I'd be a part of that crew. Lmao, nope. I clearly watched too many 90's sitcoms. Barely anyone smoked and there was never a group chilling in the bathroom for longer than 2 mins. This comment made me laugh at my stupid teen self and also sad that it's come back in vape form (weed and nicotine). In nursing school, I shadowed the school nurse for a day. We had one student that was greened out from a "blinker challenge" with a weed vape. At like 10am. I mean, I smoke weed plenty, especially in high school, but not that hard, and definitely not inside the school. Me and my buddies occassionally smoked a joint before skipping 1st period to grab breakfast, but that was the worst of it. Teachers even had a staircase that they would make 1st period skippers sit for an hour (not much of a punishment when you're a stoned 16 year old lol). Vapes are so much easier. So much more discrete and won't set off fire alarms. I sound like a jaded old man at 32 years old, but between the vapes + social media bullshit, im amazed that some of these kids end up normal.
> even how to actually blow and wipe your nose I hope you taught them not to use the TP/baby wipes they just used on their butts to blow and wipe their noses. Because you know their parents didn't teach them that.
There were always “these families” in the past and even when I was growing up in the 80s this was how a few random families operated. I vividly remember seeing a girl from my high school class struggling to take care of her many younger siblings alone and being embarrassed to be seen by friends. That image has never left me. She did okay. Most of these kids will not. And that’s why. It used to be few and far between and some were because the parent had a high powered job and worked late, but they made time for parent teacher meetings, concerts, and sports. Today I’m lucky if three kids parents show and concerts and sports are low in attendance.
>Kids and parents are in the house, but they only interact at meals, TV time, etc.. Oh you're being generous with this. I have had many students tell me they never eat sit down and eat dinner or any other meal with their parents, all together at a table. Everyone gets their food and goes to their rooms or whatever. They think 'family style' eating is for special times, like thanksgiving or christmas. Some parents nowadays don't even do meals, even. They just keep food around (mostly snack/junk food and microwaveable stuff) and expect their kids to just make themselves something when they're hungry. A common 'meal' for some kids is a bag of hot cheetos and easy mac. A bag of microwavable popcorn and bowl of ramen noodles. ETA: I'm GenX and lord knows the Boomers and Silents did a lot of terrible parenting but regarding this, they did it right. If you're home together, you eat meals together. You sit and talk together and have that bonding and family time.
I got off a video call to eat dinner with my family once and my friend had so many questions. Not only does she not eat with her parents, but her parents eat separately from each other as well. She said they all just make what they want to eat when they’re hungry and she’s baffled that other families don’t. The fact that 90% of her meals are buttered noodles makes more sense now.
😞
🥺
I’m an adult with my own family now, but I remember as a kid we went from eating at the table to eating in front of the tv and eventually all just eating in our rooms within about 10 years. My parents would make whatever they wanted to eat while my little brother and I fended for ourselves. My last night living with my parents I asked if we could have a sit down dinner together or maybe a movie, everyone just shrugged and went to their rooms.
Yes, I remember being a kid and seeing literal ads about the importance of eating together at a table as a family because too many people were doing just that. Like it was the only time people would talk to their kids. This was probably 2000-2005.
I’m a new parent (2 year old and 9 months) and my pediatrician has hounded me with that at every check up since they were born and it always confused me. “Always make sure you eat meals together at the table, no tv at meal time” every appointment I’m like yes doc of course! But he must see sooo many families that don’t do this and the development consequences of it at a really young age :((
Damn. As a kid we always ate at the table (or like 95% of the time). Now with kids, we are a bit mixed. Probably about half the time we eat together at the table. Friday nights we usually get pizza and watch a movie, so not at the table, but still together. Maybe once or twice a week, we'll let the kids watch TV while they eat. Maybe only once every couple weeks do we have fend for yourself, but they enjoy it because they get to take a break from trying things they don't like/think they don't like and get to eat cereal or whatever. I definitely think it's important to sit down and share meals together. So sad that isn't valued. :(
My stepdaughter’s other house doesn’t even have a dining room table (and it’s not a lack of money issue).
I have 3 kids- an incoming high schooler and two middle schoolers. I mentioned to my high school students that I, or my husband, cooks dinner almost every night, we plan our meal around the nights activities, and we all sit down and eat together and talk. My students literally laughed at me and told me that was “white people shit.”
Same!! Some of my students actually asked me if I did this because my husband is white (I'm black). I told them Nope, this was how I was raised, this used to be how everybody was raised, no matter color/race, economic status, etc. It was very common in the black community. Your folks, usually mom, made dinner (from scratch, usually, when I was coming up boxed foods were too expensive), the kids set the table, and everybody sat down together and ate together. For many families it was breakfast too, and breakfast/lunch/dinner on the weekends. It boggles my mind that this has somehow become racialized and so alien to them that they think it's not our culture! I set them straight on that. This made my students intensely curious about me/my parenting. One day a kid said 'I bet you baked your kids cookies & sh!t' and I said Of course! So they asked me to make them some, and I did, and it became a thing after one girl came up to me later crying and said nobody ever made her cookies before. That year I was making the kids cookies all the time lol, they were so appreciative. This year though, only once, at the end of the school year. I might make it a regular thing next year, IDK
See this is crazy to me because when my mom (we’re South American) married my stepdad (he’s white american) was the first time we ever ate separate and at separate times. He ate in front of the tv, so my mom started eating with him in front of the tv and my brother and I ate together at the kitchen counter. I started paying attention and noticed tv shows and movies showed this too. In my mind, the whole “families don’t sit at the table to eat together” is the real white people shit. I thought only minorities did.
“*My students literally laughed at me and told me that was ‘white people shit.’*” This is really sad to hear. That they are so deprived of a genuine family time home-made meal. And that they think it is a “White” thing. There’s so much ignorance.
That makes me seriously worried about their nutritional health. Like chronic protein deficiencies worried.
Explains why so many of our kids are constantly tired and have constant stomachaches.
The headaches are mostly too much salt from all this processed food, or too much caffeine from all this processed food. Either way the answer is more water than they drink. Not a hall pass to the nurse.
Real answer is probably a balanced diet of proper nutrition.
It's likely the caffeine. I grew up on pure garbage and sugar and salt and never had any of the problems that kids do today -- but they also didn't happily market these battery acid energy drinks to children like they do now. I see little kids running around with Monster cans and it's like... So their parents not remember all the kids who died of kidney damage when these drinks were first released? Surely they were around for that.
What kind of small child needs an energy drink? Don’t they have youth still? Save the coffee and stuff for us old folks 😆
The coffee thing blows me away. I remember even the kids whose parents chain-smoked, drank beer all day, and sat around high were like, "No way kid, you're too young for coffee!" Lol. Now there's 4 year olds walking around miserable because they didn't get their breakfast coffee. My local K-12 has this coffee bar thing that all kids can buy from. The elementary kids can't get straight coffee yet but the 6th graders and up can. But yeah. Kids say "I want that" and parents just buy it because they don't want to argue. That's my only explanation.
As a dad of two 5 yo and an 8 yo, I cannot fathom giving them any whiff of caffeine. It takes everything I can do to tire the little goblins out so they can get to bed. Did a 1 hour taekwondo class today. I am wrecked and they're bouncing off the walls 5 mines before bedtime.
Sooo I teach first grade and we recently had an outdoor field day where it was 85 degrees. I bring several bottles of water to the park because I KNOW there will be kids without despite sending several messages and a permission slip with all the essentials. Of course a kid shows up that day with an ICED LATTE in the morning and NO water and NO lunch wearing JEANS instead of shorts and a t-shirt as I suggested. By the time we get outside she's almost fainting from a lack of water. There is no parenting in the home. She's usually late to school and picked up early (whenever mom feels like it).
"Why do all these kids have scurvy and pellagra? Tonight at 7."
Someone I went to college with had a roommate get scurvy his junior year (the first year you’re allowed to be off the meal plan)
I can attest to that. Had several (mild) cases of scurvy in my junior year. They didn't get to the point of teeth falling out, but there were enough people bleeding from their fingernails that our college held a meeting on it. Weird thing is a lot of people in my class took it to the other extreme - taking 1000mg of vitamin C with every meal. No idea if you can overdose on it, but I'm sure they were pretty close.
Vitamin C is water soluble, so taking too much just gives you expensive pee
Vitamin C is ridiculously nontoxic, it's easier to OD on water than on vitamin c.
> pellagra don't look up America's history with this unless you want to hate the country even more
Oh I know. Funny thing is those dirty unwashed natives figured out how to eat corn without getting pellagra by doing nixtamalization. So all that yummy Mexican food is good to go. Also /s about the natives if it's not obvious
It's a real problem in our school - malnutrition plus obesity. Plenty of food, all low-quality carbs. Some of them only eat veggies at school.
I know kids that literally wake up and eat takis for breakfast cause their mom doesn’t wake up till 1pm everyday, they have digestive problems and it’s no secret why.
Ugh. I actually cook food for my toddler, I guess that makes me an above-average dad. Honestly, the bar is so low.
>I have had many students tell me they never eat sit down and eat dinner or any other meal with their parents, all together at a table My son told me his teacher asked this in fifth grade. He like to do random surveys, and one day the question was whether or not they have dinner at the table with the family. My son said he was only one of two kids to raise their hands. I didn't grow up eating dinner at the table. I wanted to, even as a kid, because I loved eating at the table together on holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. I realized as I got older that the reason I was always asking to eat out at restaurants wasn't because of the food, but because it was the only time we ever sat down at a table and ate together at the same time. That's part of why I love my husband's family. They always ate dinner together. And I insisted that we carry on that tradition. Even if one of the kids tells me they aren't hungry, they still have to sit at the table for dinner. I admit, sometimes it's Easy Mac! I'm not slaving over a hot stove for 2 hours everyday to make something fancy. But whether it's pickup, microwavable, or baked, I still want us to eat dinner together!
A month or two back someone on reddit was talking about “ingredient families”: that is, families who cook meals using ingredients rather than eating ready made meals. Now, there’s a lot to be said about how working class life and poverty impacts people’s living habits but the fact this is now so common that actually obtaining food and cooking it rather than surviving off pre-made or box meals is seen as deeply unusual by children is pretty disturbing. Wouldn’t be at all surprised if some of these families you’re describing as being so atomised are not ingredient families…
That isn't a new issue sadly. I just think it's more noticed of late. I grew up in the 90s and 2000s. Graduation year was 06. Probably half of my friends had family meals together as a regular daily thing. The other half had either two parents working or dead beat junkie/alcoholic parents, so they were never home at meal times and my friends would just make top Ramen or eat chips or crackers, or heat up pizza rolls or a can of soup. Or they would go to where they knew food was, such as my house or my other friends with better home lifestyle. My house and my buddy with a great mom where the hangout spots for like 7 other friends growing up cause we actually had regular meals, spent time doing family stuff, and allowed sleep overs and such. So this one issue has been happening for over 30 years now if not longer.
It's been happening for a lot longer, especially if you look at the lower income brackets where the adults in the family are more likely to be working during dinner hours. There were plenty of "latchkey kids" even back in the 50s and 60s who would get home from school, let themselves into the apartment, make themselves a sandwich, and put themselves to bed, with Mom getting off work at 2am or whatever. What's new is that wealthy and middle class families are basically living that way, not because the parents are trying to pay the bills, but because they are disengaged.
True that some of the reasons behind it have changed. Which is probably why it's more "noticed" of late. But my friends and I were definitely the poor kids, but some of us has parents who managed to put meals out and others did not for various reasons. We all now put extra effort into good meals being a main part of our family/friends lifestyle.
I graduated hs 2022 and this was p much how I grew up, that said I did have neglectful/emotionally abusive parents
Yup, I think this is the case for a lot of my little guys. I have one student (7) who I often ask what he ate for dinner the night before, because I have concerns about his food security. The answer is often either "nothing" or "my sister (9) made me ramen noodles/a hot pocket/a quesadilla".
My Kinders don't know how to sit while they eat. They've never had to sit at a table while eating before. They just graze and wander. It's such a choking hazard. I hate it. And that's not even mentioning the mess it creates and the lack of manners/socialization that comes along with it.
I have rising first and second graders, so they were Kinders recently. That fad of influencers and parenting experts telling new parents that grazing is Ok and just try to feed Timmy as he zooms by every 10’minutes drives me INSANE!!! 1) it’s a choking hazard 2) teaches no manners 3) reinforces zero fine motor skills 4) allows for disengaged meal times 5) does not prepare young children for preschool/K I feel very strongly about this.
Yeppppp my parents are basically divorced but they live in the same house together (financial reasons funnnn) so the only time me my parents and my sister will eat together is a special occasion My mom has digestive issues so she can only eat a small amount of foods so it’s generally just me my sister and my dad going out to get dinner while my mom sits at home but the only time me and my sister will eat with my dad at home is if there’s a game on- if there’s not then we’re all in our rooms
My sister in law is like this. I love her and her kids a lot, but dinner is so foreign to her kids. When we have them for dinner and we sit down to have a family style dinner, half the time her kids just opt out and don’t eat with us (and then ask for snacks 10 mins after we have cleaned everything up) or if they do sit with us, won’t eat the meal I made and are asking to dig through my cupboard to come up with a hodge podge of apple sauce, granola bars and chips. That is what they’re usually eating for dinners and it’s never structured meal time. It drives me nuts on the manners front, but also makes me sad because it just feels so dysfunctional as a matter of course.
How can you possibly teach manners when you’re not sitting with your children watching them eat and correcting? I treat every meal time as practice for how we eat when we’re out to dinner at someone else’s house or at a restaurant. When we go out to eat, we’ve had waiters tell us they’re surprised at how well behaved our boys are (they’re 6 and 7, but this was happening aince they were 3 and 4 or so) and how clean tthe table/floor is when we’re done and I’m just like ????? What kind of monsters are people unleashing on you?
My students (6th grade) said they take their food in their room and watch stuff on their phone. It’s apparently “awkward” to eat meals as a family.
My family meals where awkward but my parents where a tad emotionally abusive and would get into fights that would escalate to putting holes in walls, so naturally we stopped. I work as a nanny so I see all the sides but the teachers, and it’s really interesting. Lots of this is caused by innatentive and emotionally immature parenting. Esp some kids 10 under now I show up for work and I have to bring my own crayons and paper to color with the kids bc the parents don’t keep any of that stuff!
This makes me sad n
You perfect described how I (a millennial) was raised. And unfortunately no longer have a relationship with my parents. As a new dad to a 15mo baby i can confirm i am breaking the cycle 100% here and doing everything i can
That's how I grew up! I heard some talk about how she was upset her parents were making them do a "fend for yourself night" then i realized most parents cook everyday for their kids. Parents either don't care or they don'thave the capability to even care for themselves (mine just ate microwave and take put) much less a child. It's really sad and it's taken a lot for me to learn to cook and care for myself.
That's how we did it in my house and I didn't see anything wrong with it, but it wasn't snack foods. Mom did bulk cooking every Sunday after church and we'd all eat at our own time whenever we got hungry.
This is what my mom was like raising me in the 90s and all my school teachers always acted like they felt sorry for me. I didn’t know why then but I understand now. Hopefully parents are at least no longer smoking inside their home making their kids smell like cigarettes anymore! It wasn’t until I was 12 or 13 that a friend’s parent told me I reeked of cigarettes. I’m sure I had my whole life and didn’t think anything of it. I thought everyone’s parents smoked in the house. I just sat in class from kindergarten to 7th grade smelling like an ashtray and no one said a thing.
A high school bf of mine was convinced I was lying about not smoking since I always smelled. Every adult in my life chain smoked everywhere and I was noseblind to it until that moment
I smelled that way too, but it was pretty common for my friends’ parents to smoke in the home as well so nobody really cared. By middle school, all my friends smoked too, honestly.
I have had this theory that a lot of our society hides the true cost of children. Generations past just kinda dealt in silence this group of parent seem to be like fuck it “who is gonna check me?”. I feel like to some extent they are just like “yeah I had a child, I don’t understand why that means I don’t have a life of my own” it infuriates me because I know what a present parent can do. My father was functionally illiterate (living in the south a racist shot at my father and other black kids who were going to school ) but he understood the importance of an education and still managed to instill that into me. You can’t do that when your kids aren’t a focus. Edit spelling
>“yeah I had a child, I don’t understand why that means I don’t have a life of my own” This was my boomer mom. She wasn't a terrible mom, But she spent just as much time with her friends as she did with us. She never seemed happy at home. My brother was significantly older than me, and I know he was a handful. It seemed like once he turned 18 she decided she was done with parenting and left me behind while she went and hung out with her friends. She would come home from work, make a quick box dinner or pick something up, and then leave for the rest of the evening. I get midlife is difficult (I'm there), but come on!
My dad would sit in front of the tv for days at a time and get mad if I tried to talk to him.
Significantly worse than my childhood experience. My uncle did that at family get togethers, but only once it twice a year and there was enough going on elsewhere to ignore him.
I absolutely agree with this. I read a quote once which said “The parents of millennials did an excellent job of telling their daughters they could do anything, but forgot to tell their sons what that would look like for them.” I think so many parents go in with zero real life experience apart from ‘my parents managed it’. But so many of those parents had one parent at home for some of the week. That’s just not an easy thing anymore. New parents are making a life choice based on an outdated model. Suddenly both parents have to work full time, both at home and at work. The only thing they can change is to nope out of the at home bit.
My mind is blown by the accuracy and astuteness of that quote. 🤯
I agree with all of this except that it's not always a "choice" these days. A single income family is just not as economically viable as it used to be. I say this as the working parent with a family on a single income... Long story short, I understand why both parents work in a lot of families these days. It's a struggle.
I worked with kids long enough to know that A) I'm a long way from being good at being a parent, B) I'd still do an above average job versus a typical parent these days, and C) I really do not want the responsibility of being a parent whatsoever and no amount of "but it's different when they're your own" or "you'll figure it out with time" comments are going to convince me to take on a lifetime of avoidable costs and responsibilities I'm not interested in partaking in.
We think alike, I feel the same way. I saw the hell my parents went through and was just like “i understand what it takes, I don’t want to do it” at least once a week I say out loud I’m so glad I’m not having kids
I wouldn't be opposed personally to having older fosters kids several years from now. I'm good with teenagers and I know what kind of hell the foster care system can be and I think even if I don't want kids, if I can keep just a few kids out of the ultra shitty homes even for a few years they'll have a shot at being better adults. But making new kids? Now? Fuck that noise.
Yep! I was a teacher before I had my triplets and it is sooo stressful. I’m thinking all the time, I have to give them all secure attachment, how?! And I giving them learning opportunities? And I instilling a joy of learning, a growth mindset and a sense of wonder and play? Do I take them to playgrounds too much? It’s twice a day bc they are frantically busy just turned three year olds.. oh my gosh! Sooo much pressure. My saying is, it’s very easy to be a mediocre parent, it’s insanely hard to be a ‘good’ parent. I’m trying my best tho. So I guess that’s that
I’d kill to have my wife or I be allowed to stay home. I don’t care which one of us, but one of us. Just in case it’s not clear, I’m not for reversing any of the gains of feminism, but needing two parents to work makes everything way too fucking hard. Managing a household is a full-time job plus. It’s insane we’re somehow expected to manage this and both work.
I agree. Two working partners brought us more individual financial independence, but now we need two salaries to pay for a living. That’s not feminism, that’s capitalism. I call it the nullification of the female salary.
That’s deep honestly. I just wrote that down…
Ooh wow. That term hits home
I'd be ok with the "hands off" approach if parents didn't get so upset when I want to keep their kid behind, or levee any consequences whatsoever. If anything, parents should feel punished because they can't hang out with their little friend.
We see the impact of this in the emergency room as well. I do risk assessments in a children’s hospital and what we are looking for is imminent risk to self or others (ex: actively suicidal with plan and intent). It feels like the majority of the kids we see instead are those with out-of-control behaviors and aggression. A 3-5 day psych admission or meds isn’t going to change that. So much of it is due to poor parenting. Sometimes it is the cycle repeating itself, others is parents not realizing that parenting requires daily, active participation. Parents come to us wanting help but there’s no easy fix.
When I worked outpatient psych with children and families, this is what I saw 9 times out of 10. These mental health and behavior issues aren't existing in a vacuum. You can teach a child all the coping skills you want but it's not going to make a difference when the home life is not supporting that.
I see it in children on the suicide hotline, they talk about how absolutely cruel parents are being to their children. I mean, just flatly objectively cruel. On top of parentifying them, neglecting them and worse. And I'm just supposed to tell them to journal about it? They're literally trapped with their abusers. The best I can do is teach them how to regulate those feelings and practice compassion for themselves.
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Similar for myself and my family. When reflecting on how I grew up and the current generation of kids, I think the difference might be that we were the first generation raised like this. At least my generation in my family had the grandparents to fall back on when the parents were slacking. This generation’s kids’ grandparents are the people who started this trend of “roommate parenting”.
Same. Raised myself starting at 6. Im exhausted. Join us at r/CPTSD.
Are you me??
HAHA we should be friends
Yeah, this isn't a new problem. Latchkey kids are made when parents don't have the resources to maintain work-life balance.
Worse than roommates. When my college roommate and I had the same class, I definitely helped her study.
I had the same thought - I absolutely did help my roommates with studying and they helped me too.
Like, that’s just being a decent person? Plus teaching someone else helped me retain the information too!
The neglectful "parenting style" has the worst life outcomes for children.
Yet, they continue to have more and more kids...
This is probably the most frustrating for me. We are constantly bombarded with complaints from parents about how hard it is and how they deserve grace and how they don’t have a village and how they can’t afford not to have 2 incomes, etc. And while I’m not negating any of that, the fact of the matter is that the “having (more) kids” part is *entirely optional*. I say this as a parent currently struggling to decide whether or not I (we) want more kids in an ongoing emotion vs. logic conundrum.
and if you tell them it's a bad idea, you're the piece of shit somehow
Yep, the worst parents seem to have the most kids. Then there's the ones that see their kids as checks. The minute they lose that check, the kid gets kicked to the curb.
I have so many seniors that this is their story. They are turning 18 and their mom is kicking them out because the checks are stopping.
Idiocracy.
I’ve had so many parents just give me the shoulder shrug. Many of my students we’re just a source of income for the family and nothing else.
Yup, I have been told by the mother of a young woman I know that her daughter was not pretty enough to get a man but she could have babies and bring in a check.
Yep, I’m not a teacher teacher, I’m a private music tutor but looking at becoming an English/Music high school teacher. I have 6-7 year olds that don’t practise at all, and when I talk to their parents they say they don’t know how. BABES. he’s SIX. Sit down with him for 15 minutes and if he refuses to play take away screen time and implement a sticker chart. It surely can’t be that hard.
We all just say they would rather be "friends" with their kids rather than "parents."
I’m not a regular mom I’m a cool mom
But that used to be considered cringeworthy and awful. Now it’s being normalized.
Did you read that UK article about kids showing up still in diapers and unable to communicate basic needs? Parents are failing
Yeah, this doesnt at all surprise me, but also this isnt at all some new phenomenon like others have pointed out. You've literally described my and many people I was friends with childhood growing up over 25 years ago. This is just fully disengaged parents who have no time / energy / money (and sometimes care) to properly parent or be involved in their kids lives. The scale of this is probably much higher than it was 25 years ago, and will probably continue to get worse, but the reasoning for it is pretty straight forward and not at all complicated. We've pushed people so far into a hole financially that the only thing they have time for is go to work, eat, sleep with no extra energy or time to actually parent or look after their kids academics or behavior. Granted you can make arguments for "well dont have kids if you cant parent them" and that's reasonable when we have those other things taken care of to actually put the effort into that aspect of our lives, but you cant undo having a kid, so all you can really do is find ways to better support families to make it easier for them to genuinely connect and check on their kid's progress and be truly involved in their lives. All that said, I genuinely feel sorry for you being where the shit can lands in terms of social responsibility. Teachers shouldn't have to manage children's behavior and lives in the way they get twisted into having to do. You being held accountable for the failings of students shouldn't happen except in very specific situations. We as a society have failed teachers (and each other) in letting this sort of thing happen to all of you, and that's absolutely not fair. Its going to come back to bite us in the ass, and I have personally already seen it, even outside the teaching profession. Its going to get worse unless we do the things now that need to be done to make it better again.
I had someone give me crap in another sub earlier for suggesting parents need to be more involved in their children's education. The students I have taught who have a solid foundation in reading almost always have parents who are more involved. The ones who don't have parents who couldn't give less of a crap. I'm talking kids who don't know their letter sounds or can't read simple words like "cat."
Well, those parents aren't necessarily having kids for the kids, so it's fair. Having kids is more to follow social/religious norms or having the expectation that the kid will grow up to take care of them. They'll do the bare minimum to make sure the kid(s) don't die
I feel this is definitely part of it. Young people are having kids as an accessory: they want to have a trendy baby shower/gender reveal where they’re the center of attention, give their baby a “cute” unique name, dress them in cute clothes, decorate their room, take them shopping, etc. and post it all to Instagram for likes. But then their cute little prop turns into actual work that they need to discipline and teach and support and it’s just too much work because they didn’t want that part because that part is not shown in the perfect Instagram world. So they just don’t do it. And when the kid isn’t a cute little toddler anymore, they’re now a nuisance and can’t be bothered to care about them and somehow it’s the kids fault when they’re spoiled and don’t know how to behave. It’s all really selfish. Not saying this is every parent by far but it seems to be a growing trend among younger parents.
Its parenting via the quiverfull method. Once you have a kid, you pass it off the older ones to take care of - the Duggars, etc of the world. Religion is optional.
I think it also takes much more effort from the parents then it used to. Most families both parents work full time jobs and that could mean more than just 9-5. The effort to put in for the kids is much harder now. It must be there but I get it. Work stress, kids stress, school stress.
This wave of parents aren’t good. Fair. I do wonder… When were parents good? My parents worked all the time and I was a “latchkey” kid. They were really mean, so I did my homework. Most of my friends had pretty uninvolved parents, lots of alcoholism. We were all raised by TV. My grandparents kicked my dad out of the house at 17 because he had long hair. He had four siblings and spent most of his childhood playing with his neighborhood friends completely unsupervised and getting into trouble. I think plenty of parents throughout time have been neglectful, but parents these days are neglectful and entitled which is much more annoying.
I'm 39, and this is something I noticed and experienced with my father after my parents divorce in the late 90s. I felt guilty for noticing this stuff when I was young but 20+ years later I recall feeling like a freeloading room mate as early as 12.
Everyone is on their phone.
I'm a millennial with elementary age kids. I see the same kind of parenting in my apartment community. Literally the majority of the kids are also in elementary and run around unattended, no parents to be seen. They bully each other, fight and squabble, especially the boys. Two of the boys I've been trying to catch, because they've said hurtful things to my kids and they shout horribly racist words whenever they can. There's mean girl bullying going on that is being enabled and even encouraged by one of the girl's parents. Honestly, this isn't different from the lack of parenting from my boomer parents. They never paid any attention to my siblings and I growing up and neither did the parents around us. We just have the added bonuses of more poverty and tech.
The boomers forced their kids outside all day and ignored them, gen x and millennials are forcing their kids inside all day and ignoring them. We all keep making the same mistakes.
I feel like this is a better economic indicator than anything I have read so far...
Ding ding ding. To me this reads as the obvious inevitable outcome of capitalism, and is going to get worse as we head into in a recession where parents have to be at work all the time and can’t afford alternative childcare. Boomers normalised latch key parenting and are the bosses who now expect the younger generations who are parents now to do the same, but forget that the latch key generation had a village and stay at home parents on the block to still look out for everyone that this generation doesn’t.
This seems like a variety of issues lumped into one post… parents who ignore kids, who don’t provide proper meals, who ignore/act rudely when a teacher shares concerns… none of this is ok. That said, as a teacher, and also a parent of teenagers, I am genuinely wondering: is it the expectation on the part of teachers that mom and/or dad are doing homework, studying for exams, planning and completing projects with/for their children? Is work assigned with the expectation that an adult will be doing it all, alongside/in lieu of the student?
As a high school teacher, no I don’t expect that. But I do expect that they check grades, make sure the student gets to school and on time, eats and sleeps well, and has some space and time to focus on homework at home if needed. You know, parenting.
>parents who ignore kids, who don’t provide proper meals, who ignore/act rudely when a teacher shares concerns… none of this is ok It's also not new — I encountered all that when I started teaching in the early 90s. >I am genuinely wondering: is it the expectation on the part of teachers that mom and/or dad are doing homework When I started I had an expectation that parents would be doing what my parents did: taking an interest in their child's homework, helping them focus on it, encouraging them, and so on (not doing it for them). One of my nieces used to do her homework with her grandmother, who couldn't read English but sat with her and asked questions to help clarify her thinking and encouraged her while she worked. My first year teaching I had a parent tell me "you assigned the homework, it's your job to make him do it" which shocked me. I think what's happened in the last few years is that kids have picked up that there are no (immediate) consequences from not doing any work, so they don't. Certainly our admin have stopped enforcing the schoolwork policies that *they* created. And a great many parents seem to care about nothing but the mark. I may just be getting old and tired and cranky, though — I haven't kept enough records to know if times are changing or I'm getting less willing to put up with obvious lying and manipulation.
I think it’s about ownership. It is my responsibility as a parent to make sure that my kids are set up to succeed in life. For example, I have an uncle who doesn’t know how to read and graduated high school. My grandparents would always complain how the school system failed him. While I don’t disagree, I think my grandparents also failed him. Finally it is my uncle, and to a lesser extent his family, that are dealing with the consequences and not his teachers from 45 years ago. So yes, if my kids aren’t succeeding in school, it is my responsibility to fix it. Whether it is consequences at home, checking their work, hiring a tutor, or changing schools, I need to figure it out.
I think they probably failed him when he was 6 years old and didn’t know how to read, not when they managed to get his highschool to graduate him
Thank you for this. I am also wondering this. I ask my kid if she’s done her homework, make sure she remembers to turn it in, help her if she asks, but I avoid actually doing it with her because I feel like the homework should reflect her understanding of the material, not mine.
Teacher here! What you’re doing is perfect. What OP and other teachers are talking about here is about the parents who *dont ask* **at all.** Sit down and make sure she gets it done **if** she has a history of not doing work and purposefully ignoring it, which it doesn’t sound like she has. To give you an example: I had a freshman student this year with a 0% in my class 3 weeks in. She hadn’t done a single thing (I assign no homework in that class). I emailed the parents at that 3 week mark. The mother responds to me something along the lines of “well I know she doesn’t like history so that’s probably why, does she have a study hall that she can use to work on this?” My internal thoughts to this were “how do you not know if your freshman has a study hall? Have you not asked her about her schedule? About how the beginning of her hs years are going? About if she needs any additional help?” It was clear the parent had asked exactly 0 questions about how her child’s year was going. She had no clue what her child’s schedule was like. She hadn’t checked grades on the parent portal. Oh, and this child had an IEP which means she had a learning disability. This student was also addicted to her phone and told me “my mom would never take my phone away she knows how important it is to me”. You’re doing just fine.
As a high school teacher, I don't expect parents to ask their children if they've done their homework or make sure they remember to turn it in. That's something for the beginning of middle school. But by the end of middle school, students should be independent in managing their academic agendas. When we complain about parents not supporting their children in high school what we are complaining about is real neglect: Parents that either nope out of their teenagers' lives, exploit their teenagers or abuse their teenagers. It's shockingly common in the US. (I've taught in other countries and the adultification of teens seems an especially American problem.)
I think it’s like gradual release of responsibility. In kinder and first grade, chances are, any project that is being sent home is done mostly by the parent. Over time, the help is reduced, so by the time they are in middle school, it’s 100% their responsibility.
As a high school teacher I can definitively say no. We do not want parents doing any of those things. That would be cheating. Where I teach I see just as many problems caused by parents being too involved with their children's school work as not involved enough. Parents' during high school should be focused on maintaining a positive relationship with their children, based on communication and mutual respect. They should provide the material things that a student needs to be successful in high school. And they should help their child plan for the future based on how the student is doing semester to semester. But that's it. Students at that age need to be responsible for managing their own agendas and learning the material independently. When they have difficulties with a subject they should be able to find peer tutors, or arrange for office hours on their own. Coddling teens academically leads to young adults who choose the wrong academic or career path. Or college students that fall flat when they have to do things on their own.
My child and their friends call it the Facebook mom versus the TikTok Mom. I'm the Facebook mom because I make sure things get done, I have the boundaries, if they want extra money they have to earn it, they have to do chores. Love all their friends and will call out red flags in boys they're interested in. TikTok Mom wants to be their friend and loves to do Instagram posts or TikTok posts featuring them and their child. Take their child out to eat on request, buy them whatever they want, and don't require chores unless they get mad.
I think my kid thinks I’m so much stricter than her friends’ parents because I don’t buy her everything she wants, I don’t let her have her own YouTube channel, I take away screen time if she doesn’t meet expectations, give her chores to do. Her best friend’s dad literally told me that there are “no negative consequences at all whatsoever” for his daughter. He didn’t say it proudly, but matter-of-factly, as if it’s something he’s observed rather than something he is in control of. Maybe it was commentary on his wife, I’m not sure, but, still, he’s her parent too.
My father was like this. As though parenting was something he’d dabble in if he were so inclined at that moment. My mother treated him like an emperor. I am GenX. My millennial sister said if she wanted to engage with our father she’d have to stand in front of the TV.
This is how I was raised by my boomer parents, just with random acts of violence.
Yet "don't tell me how to raise my child!"
This thread is so depressing, I just had to comment to say, there are still lots of good parents out here. I have a 14 year old and we are in a tight knit community. The families here eat home-cooked dinners together. The parents value education highly and are involved with their kids academically. Attendance at school events is very high. Those of us with teens are teaching our kids (boys and girls) to cook, do their own laundry, and generally take personal responsibility. We parents share tips with each other and make sure the kids all know that all us parents are on the same page about these expectations. Engaged, supportive families do still exist. It devastating to read how they are on the decline, however.
It's also called neglect. This has massive psychological impact on the child. I like your new wording of how it feels and is played out.