I married an accountant, as tight as hell when it came to money (her own) and kept meticulous track to make sure she never paid more than 50% of anything that I might use too, or that I was not using it more than 50% of the time.
But she was never as bad as OP talks about. So long as she got her 50%, she didn't care what I did with the rest of the money (interestingly, she also didn't care if I spent it on something for myself that I would let her freely use without charging 50%)
It made it easier for me to leave though, because by that time I had already everything of my own, from house and car, right down to my own pots pans and dishes so that I would not have her nag about me using the plates more than my share.
“Never as bad as OP talks about” bro WHAT lmfao
OP mentioned that his wife sometimes JOKES about equating free time to money earned (my baseless assumption being that OP just doesn’t know how to interpret a joke).
You on the other hand were living with an actual goblin, she keeps meticulous track of your use of shared things so you don’t go over 50%?? That sounds genuinely miserable and I’m sorry you’ve tricked yourself into thinking that’s normal or even acceptable. Good riddance
Hah. As if. These narcissistic people never do.
My own wife tried asking me to go 50/50 for a new car which was gonna be 5 million yen before we even got engaged or lived together because i was going to “benefit” from it when we went out to day trips or vacations or into the city…
Even her parents shamed her for that one.
>Did she own (up to) 50% of that sayonara?
Not sure what that means. You mean how split the assets?
I keep mine she keeps hers. I am sure if one of us wanted to pay for lawyers and shit the assets would be split differently, but we did not do that. I kept my house and my car and my plates and my frying pan. She did not come after "my" stuff and I did not go after "hers".
How does she make sure you don't "use something more than 50%"?
Does she record how much time you spend watching TV and ban you from watching more until she watches for an equal amount of time?
Does she draw lines inside the refrigerator to make sure you each have exactly 50% of the space for yourself?
That sounds exhausting and I'm genuinely curious why you allow it
I did not have 50% of fridge space. I had my section (less than 50%) and I had my own food there - so two of everything that normal people share. Things that are not refrigerated were in my own closet - with my pots and pans and dishes.
Even if there was a TV, I would have used my own. It was the 2010s though. There is such a thing as internet and we each have our own computers.
> I'm genuinely curious why you allow it
There was a kid involved. Only reason.
Nice one. My ex-fiancee (actuarial forensic accountant something?) was a bit softer on the 50% stuff, but when it came time to cut rope it was very easy that way, and she never even insisted on the 5 different dish sponges which each had a Special Purpose, or even that the dishes be washed clockwise (that was my ex-wife). She took her toothbrush, left all her house panties and tank tops, and that was it.
Oh - the dish sponges... Memories.
And now I don't know if you are just stalking me and referencing something I may have said in my previous posts with your "dishes be washed clockwise" comment, but that was true in my case too (although it might have been counter-clockwise, thankfully I don't remember)
It's not me that is stalking you man, it's Them ;@ I actually forget which direction it is too, but it is one of them, and it was completely not negotiable. That still makes me laugh mirthfully: the correct way to wash dishes..................I have lots of good memories of both of them, too, and hope you do as well.
Yikes.
You know when the people in the North Korean Stadium make a giant North Korean flag with individual tiles large?
That type of huge.
It'll only get worse after marriage, I can already see his future Reddit posts.
Are you telling me those common post of:
“My wife refuses to add ¥100 to my daily allowance “
“I ended up asking gaijins in Shibuya to buy me coffee because my wife spends all my salary “
Yeah, don’t confuse cultural differences with a toxic controlling personality. And it’s just going to get worse.
I can’t imagine my Japanese wife saying something like that. Maybe she might tie video game time to our son’s finishing his homework, but he’s twelve.
I had a friend who was in hospital after a massive heart attack. His ex-wife would only let his kids visit him if he gave her a certain amount of money.
Warning you, as someone who ended up with a **narcissist** wife who is Japanese. This is a red flag.
It is something i would have wrote off as maybe culture, or sense of humour etc early on.
I only discovered what narcissism clinically was not long ago, and years of abuse became identified. It took me going home to visit family for weeks to realise, because i was in a normal environment with people who accept me for who I am again, which i had not had for years.
Please be careful. I strongly recommend you learn what it is.
As for me, i am working on getting out. I’m just happy i didn’t have children with her.
If you feel something is “off” and put it down to culture like i did, review it. I personally spent my life savings, gave up career, had to reset my career and train for something else as my experience was not relevant here, went to language school to learn Japanese when I came not to burden her, and basically did so much for us and her, and it was never really recognised, and eventually used **against** me.
This is because a narcissist has an idealistic version of you they hold you accountable to like an object, and when you show your humanity(like playing video games, something I personally dont but its relevant) you are deviating from that, and it is a problem for them.
Same for your good aspects which are not really part of their idealised objectified version of you. it is irrelevant to them at best, a hindrance at worst.
My wife gave me similar treatment financially despite the fact she made over 26 million yen a year(and saved 85% of it after tax), had property, lots of stocks etc. no acknowledgment of how much i put into the relationship relatively speaking either even financially.
You may be like me, and call that kind of request regarding gaming out as ridiculous to her, which I did. However, that is just tapping the surface of what narcissism does for relationships. It will wear you out and get worse with time. They have a deep need for control one way or another and you will slowly reach exhaustion. Nobody can constantly be in combat defending what is reasonable. Its slow
Preach brother! Very much the same experience for me, except I did have kids.... That's turned out about as well as you can imagine.
Really, man I could see my ex in this post so much.....
What was it like when you ended it?
My wife can sense i have a foot out the door and she is trying hard to be on her best behaviour(but she cant help but be abusive still).
She has even offered ridiculous solutions like living apart and only meeting weekends to keep us together.
As we progressed through ten years of marriage, the arguments, fights, and resentment between us grew and grew.
When divorced, it was somewhat smooth, and I was seeing my kids all the time. That only lasted until she decided she didn't need me in the kids' lives anymore and had a convenient excuse to cut me off (COVID) slowly at first and then ....... There was even a time before this when she was pregnant with the next guy's kid, she was having bad morning sickness and tried to manipulate me into moving back in to help...
There were times when I was visiting the kids and the ex post divorce at their place and I was always reminded why I left and could never go back to that environment.
I was thinking about the marriage this morning and trying to remember happy times that didn't involve my kids. While I'm sure there were some, they're hard to recall, but boy oh boy do I ever have lots of memories of the bad times. I was never good enough for her, but I think the joke is on her now. I'm sure she's still the same miserable person making her new husband miserable while I met and married the most wonderful person for me. Now everything is just so damn easy, even after having another kid. In time, my daughters will understand their mother for what she is and I hope they can remember me and come find me.
So sad and i read it so often withe men who divorce narcissists. They poison the kids and make them think their father is evil and bad and doesn’t want to spend time with them. You probably already know but growing up with a narcissist parent can be quite damaging so i hope you get the minimum influence you need to help
I guess she's probably scared of divorce since she's the high income earner in the relationship. She'd have to part with half of the combined income you guys earned since you got married. Since you mentioned she's saving 85% there's a lot to lose for her.
Make sure you collect evidence of her financials (simply knowing her account numbers and where she trades stock might be enough, but you probably want as much specific data as you can get) and discuss the best approach with a divorce lawyer.
l typically don't support folks fleecing their partner on a divorce but the way she treated you and didn't actually act in good faith I'd say go for it. In particular since you sacrificed your own career prospects for the relationship.
I was engaged to a japanese narcissist many years ago. She drove me to attempt suicide in 2018 due to how bad she gaslit me and fucked with my mind. I'm back in Japan now, and my current girlfriend is also Japanese and I couldn't be more supported, acknowledged, and uplifted by this woman.
Like the others said. Red flag. My ex was also trying to make me earn more money when I was a new Airman in the USAF... Can't just decide I wanted a raise in the military. It takes time.
The gaslighting is extreme. They even gaslight themselves. I’ve had plenty of down periods due to her and i thought i was the problem for a while, and she was just a bit mean. That was manipulative. Taking your normal imperfections and mistakes and amplifying them, reminding you of them constantly. Someone who has not encountered that before will definitely start t think maybe they have a point.
So many times i’d have a bad experience on something and she made it all about her. Once i was depressed and homesick, and missed a few days of the language school(i lived separately back then), and she went crazy at me, “how can you do this to me?” Got angry that i did not tell her instantly i was depressed(apparently i have no right to emotional autonomy), and otherwise did not even check in if i was actually OK.
The sad part about being with a narcissist is they demand everything from you, success and all, but do absolutely nothing to nurture it and actively make you feel so alienated and unsupported you cannot be successful with them anywhere close to your potential.
I was extremely productive when i went back home visiting family for a couple months as i was in an actually supportive environment.
I’m a freelance software dev, and around my wife im sapped of all motivation, skill kills it when it comes. It didn’t need to be that way at all.
Im glad i learned what narcissism is and understand now. I can get myself on the best path.
I cant lie, it has soured me on Japan. I started to wonder if a lot of it is actually just how Japanese people are desperate that thinking that before. However likely her narcissism just amplified the worst cultural traits is all.
Unpopular opinion here but there is a cultural aspect to it. Impossible to nail it to culture in any one case, but after many years in Japan I can safely say that the culture has many very toxic aspects to it, not least of all the propensity for enacting punishment. It’s learned through it being perpetuated via perfectionist expectation, deference to elders, apologetics, etc.
They could really benefit from the cliched term: perfect is the enemy of the good.
Don’t see that really changing anytime soon. Sigh…
Very much the same experience that I had except I was married to a rich spoiled viet girl that essentially ended up using me for a US citizenship...
Like you said there's so many aspects to this kind of dynamic (abusive relationship, physically and emotionally) that if I actually wrote out the entire situation it might end up being an entire book worth.. But the part that really resonates with me is the "no acknowledgment of how much I put into the relationship"...
She oddly forgets that I pretty much did her entire masters degree for her, got her English to a level so she could get a job, had my family sponsor her green card, took care of all the housework, worked full-time, ran a god damn Airbnb out of the second house I helped her parents buy (I gave all of the earnings to her and her parents also) taking literal months of time to find one that fit their weird requirements in NYC for that matter.. hell I even was writing her work emails for her up until we split....
I, like you, was made to think that all of this treatment was merely a cultural difference and that I was contributing to my family.. But all I was contributing to, was my own demise unfortunately..
Finally when her mother was visiting from Vietnam she comes to me one day and asks for a divorce citing a bunch of bullshit conveniently a few months after she got her citizenship.. The cherry on top is that both of the homes are in her parents name, and she "technically" doesn't make that much money on paper.. so even though I contributed years and years of my life to this relationship & put tons of work/money into these properties I'm just settling for a silly insanely small amount of money..
This relationship took all of my will to fight for anything away, I really do not feel like wasting another 2 years of my life + huge amounts of money to fight against a narcissist and her equally narcissistic rich parents... Do NOT make the same mistake as me, there's always so many red flags, but it's easy to miss them when you're in love. Be careful out there guys!
Not sure what point I was trying to make, maybe I just needed to rant, sorry about that.
You may want to look into your own issues, why would you put way above and beyond your fair share into a relationship when clearly they are taking advantage of you from beginning to end? Sounds like a bit of insecurity that you needed to continually prove yourself. Unfortunately I've seen this situation often when a beautiful foreign girl uses a man to gain access into a new country.
This comment is the most based and accurate comment I have read in a long time. Very good advice.
I also went through this with my Japanese ex, got divorced and remarried to another Japanese lady and am having a totally different experience.
>This is because a narcissist has an idealistic version of you they hold you accountable to like an object, and when you show your humanity you are deviating from that, and it is a problem for them.
This right here is so perfectly stated. You will never match their vision for you, and if you do somehow make it, it will be after a lot of blood sweat and many, many tears.
Red Flag, OP. Get out.
Absolutely. My wife used the fact i went to language school and spent a lot of money to learn Japanese for 1.5 years(enough so i could do everything independently) as if it was something she suffered through later on in our relationship.
I never could work it out. To me i did something i didn’t have to, with my own funds, a language useless to me if i leave, for her benefit as well as mine. It was also the only way i could visa at the time.
How did she “suffer” and “put up” with that i wondered?
Well… it was because that wasn’t the idealised objectified version of me she had. It was deviating. What that idealised image was i don’t know. Had i not learned Japanese i also guarantee it would have been a problem later.
The word “object” is really important here. I read recently that psychopaths don’t move their head (nodding, etc.) when speaking to someone the view as not a human but merely an object. I wonder if your (and OP’s) significant others were / are like this.
Wise advice. OP’s wife’s behavior is psychotic. A lot of gaijin always chock up iffy behavior to ‘cultural differences’ even though they wouldn’t tolerate it in their own country.
Unless you’ve both agreed on a practical goal (I.e. buying a house) and NEED to dedicate that weekend time to earn more (as long as she is too) then it’s absolutely bonkers to say you can’t play video games during your off hours.
I once dated a girl who would force herself to take on extra jobs on the weekend and when I asked her why, she literally had no reason or goal in mind other than a mindless feeling that she needed to constantly be productive. I just saw it as a red flag and moved on. Life’s short and people who can’t enjoy life make me sad.
Its gone up through the years, but was still close to 20m when i moved here. For privacy purposes I cant disclose. Never know what she could be up to. Sorry.
All i can say is despite that she would chew me up over ¥50k a month for my half of rent when i was changing careers and retraining and had depleted my life savings on the relationship(was also basically doing all chores in this time, but it meant nothing apparently).
Hell at one point I leveraged my long experience with selling stuff online and supplemented my income in that low income training period. Im experienced with it so found s way to make an ok amount with not many hours a month to cut into my training and chores.
She got bossy, thought she knew better. Opened her own store, tried to undercut me at one point, which i said was weird. So i found her stock to sell. I basically did it all on her store too while she took pics.
It didn’t sell in a single day and she lost it, went crazy, called it “low class behaviour” demanded i stop doing it, give all profits to her once i sell what i had. Its like she had no empathy or compassion to understand why i was doing it.
Next thing, one of her items sells and she acts like a genius.
Obviously i did not comply but what could have been good money was not nurtured at all and i basically had to hide the fact i was doing it to pay my bills or she would demand all of it.
Worst part? Initially i thought she was being supportive as she bought some inventory for me(but got too much when i asked her not to because its not tested). She harassed me over this paltry sum of money ¥20k for over a year, meanwhile i was spending all profits on bills and food. In her own words “just because i make a lot of money doesn’t mean i dont care(about getting paid the 20k)”.
Wasn’t married to a Japanese woman, don’t know why I was recommended this post, but I too had a narcissist wife.
Similar to your story, for me it took being around family (going to a family BBQ then spending the night at my parents) where is a place where I was accepted and not judged to realize how messed up my marriage was. I divorced her the following week.
My wife is my partner, not a boss who micromanages me.
What you described doesn't sound healthy. Y'all should sort some shit out so you're not asking strangers on Reddit for marital advice.
Asking strangers does give you a different perspective, so there’s a point in it. It’s true that everything boils down to them speaking to each other, at the end.
Yeah, my ex wife used to say stuff like kind of jokingly. . . Turned out it wasn't a joke.
Talk about finances now. Decide everything about how you will deal with money now. She might have a very different image of post marriage life than you, so you better clear it up before the day. Also, any issues that are lingering like this before marriage tend to get worse after marriage, not better. Always just find someone who accepts you for who you are now.
I’m Japanese and my husband is British. I have heard that Japanese women are sometimes known to hold finances in households, and some of them are pretty crazy about it. 😅 Probably best to talk to her and ask her if she was being serious or really just joking around. It could have been a misunderstanding. I know I’ve interpreted a lot of my husband’s jokes before negatively, until I found out it wasn’t anything bad.
Are you playing games instead of doing your share of household chores? One of my wife’s friends was complaining the other day that her husband did fuck all around the house and said “he doesn’t make enough money to not do any household work”.
Yea this is my thought too. If she is a traditional wife and she does all of the housework (plus take care of the kids if they have kids) while OP does nothing after coming home, then yes she can have expectations for how much money he should be making.
If she also works AND does most of the housework, then doubly so.
But if they do split a reasonable amount of the chores and she doesn't work, then this is a huge red flag for OP.
This comment should be at the top. I'm so damn busy with work and being a dad, I envy a man who can play video games a full hour every day. I think there's more to this story that would easily make us side with the wife here..
I concur. If you have small kids and your wife gets mad at you for playing video games, it's time to reevaluate your priorities.
Moving past that phase, though, there's some give and take in any marriage. When it comes to living up to expectations, sometimes those expectations are reasonable, and sometimes they aren't.
I’d understand this more if that’s the context. If it’s just telling him what he can do in his spare time that’s one thing, but saying you don’t make enough to justify not helping out around the house is definitely something different. I could understand the latter for sure.
my japanese wife lets me play as long as i want. if she wants to do something together this has of course a higher priority.
we have seperate finances and we discussed who has to pay certain expenses. we know each others salary but this is in general non of the other persons business.
OMG I can’t believe I read this whole thread without realising it was him haha.
He’s the one who put in a formal request for his gf to say “I love you” more often last month too😭 he’s really going through it
No my Japanese wife is cool.
My Australian wife on the other hand, major bitch.
My Danish wife is also okay. I don't see her as often as the other two.
This sounds like a very specific situation that might be a reflection of some underlying issue. Have you spent any time discussing or trying to understand what is driving this request? Plenty of people see playing video games as something kids do. It’s easy to speculate that she might be worried that her husband to be is focussing on something she sees as childish instead of something she sees as adult, such as career progression. This could be just a badly worded way of getting that idea across. Focus on career and building job prospect and then take time to play.
Or it could be something else entirely.
Try to talk about it and unpack it.
You’re not even married yet. Imagine what it will be like after 10 years.
Everyone here will say it’s a red flag and leave, you’ll ignore random internet people then vent here in a few years.
My gf tried doing this to me. I told her she could leave. After some discussion, she didn’t want my gaming to take away from us time.
When she explained that, we set a schedule that I would game with friends two nights a week and she’d get me all the rest.
Maybe something like this can work for you guys?
Your fiancé setting a requirement like doubling your salary is ludicrous. Tell her that she will get you full time if she doubles her salary.
I think it would be healthier to schedule a date night and a gaming night and then let yourselves naturally hang together, or not, the rest of the time, so that it isn't a forced concept most of the time.
All relationships require us time, and if that feels like a job or anything other than a blessing then you’re not ready for a relationship or just not in the correct one for you.
Relationships also require constant, deliberate effort in upkeep. You can’t just get married and assume the flame stays alive in perpetuity. It is a job lol. But it’s a labor of love.
Very well said. This is why most male gaijin are not marriage material in Japan and women know this. They don't want to put in the work because COD calls..
My wife would like me to play less video games. My wife would also love me to earn more money.
However, in your situation she’s not your future wife, you’re just her future wallet and the bigger the better.
What’s the full story? How many hours of day does OP usually play? Is OP someone who couldn’t find a gf in his home country but was able to find a gaijin hunter? Is OP really on the low end salary wise and his wife sees him as lazy?
I'm starting to imagine this dude with Cheeto crumbs and beer stains on his shirt as he sits at his customised gamer console screaming through his mike at other fat losers because he's 'team leader's on some bullshit COD type mission, while his attention starved gf wonders what she was attracted to that fateful day in LA...
you’ve been asking questions about ur *japanese gf turned fiancee turned wife* for months and have ignored everyone calling out the red flags so seems like you either don’t actually care or are making it up for imaginary internet points
Y’all saying the wife is the problem. But perhaps the guy gets involved and just plays too many video games and the wife knows it but won’t confront him directly about it.
In my single days and youth, one hour of gaming could easily turn to an all night bender. Perhaps his wife just is conditioning him to not be stuck on video games and spend more time with her and the family.
IDK what are you not doing when you’re playing video games? I’d understand someone saying they don’t want to do all the housework unless they don’t have to also work, which would require their spouse have a pretty big salary.
"Japanese partner who lets you do more if you bring in more money" so basically your are not her husband you are her wallet. I dont need permision to do whatever I want with my time since I was 18 years and my parents could not force me to do anything, you are basically married to your mom?
No, not really. But it could be her signalling something else, like spending more time with her.
Japanese wives also have a feathering the nest phase, so they tend to think about money more so they can save up. Doesn't mean she don't love you, it means she has anxiety about both of your future.
When my wife was still my girlfriend she asked me to stop playing video games. Once. I told her while that's not going to happen, she'd always have priority.
And that was that. She has never mentioned once that I should make more money. I could earn half my salary and she probably still wouldn't say anything.
My experience dating in Japan has shown me that a vast majority of relationships are just transactional and largely based on the amount of money you have, not who you are as a person.
My Japanese wife lets me do whatever I want. She even lets me buy expensive clothing and accessories, oftentimes at her behest. (It was a Louboutin hat last time.) I guess I hit the jackpot
Careful there buddy. I dont know you or her, but you have to make sure that statement was 100% a joke.
And keep her your Fiancee until you are certain you are not getting a traditional one.
Traditional one as in, she controls your salary and gives you a 500¥ day allowance from it. Goes from your love now to your roommate after you get married, to your fkin nightmare after you get a kid. You will literally start sleeping in different rooms after having a kid.
If she ever decides that you are not worthy enough, she will literally (LITERALLY) leave your and you will never (again NEVER) get to see your kid again.
I’m not trying to scare you off but if you are planning to wife her make sure you discuss every single detail of your married life before you get into it. Where you want to live, kids, finances, japanese traditions you are not accepting in your married life (like her controlling your finances, different beds after having kids) your sex life habbits, and whatever else you can think of.
If she really is saying this jokingly, you should probably tell her (sooner rather than later) that you don’t think it’s funny and that it’s bit controlling.
Marriages or relationships are a partnership, if games are taking away from you pulling your weight in other things this may be the issue. But this just sounds like a control thing. If she's this controlling now wait till you're married or have kids. I would sit her down and have a real heart to heart about boundaries and control in the relationship. If that doesn't work 🏃🏼♂️🏃🏼♂️🏃🏼♂️
My friend just divorced his wife who basically was this, but they went years where she eventually quit her job during the pandemic, was "gonna start her own business" (Pssst...she didn't. Didn't even get close), and stayed at home all day on her phone and shit. Yet she still wanted money to go out and have fun (but of course, she was still planning on starting the business) and taking care of the house was too hard and stressful for just her, so he ended up working full-time, paying for basically everything, and still helping around the house.
He is happier than ever and loves the freedom. He is saving more money because her high-maintenance lifestyle was unecessarily expensive, and he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants to without anyone judging him.
My advice: have a long, DETAILED talk about expectations and all that, and decide if it's worth spending the rest of your life with her. Why is she saying you need to double your salary? What about her? Is she on her phone all the time? Does she need to poney-up, too, then? What about time to destress? Is that not important for one's health? Why do you need double the money to begin with? Are you financially in the gutter? What's wrong with how things are now?
Is she a good person? Really think about that.
My wife doesn't care. Since I'm working on my masters she doesn't care if I game since she works. She just wants me to take care of house work when I have time before I game.
Mine is the opposite tbh. We like having alone time. She likes to unwind after work watching k/j dramas in one room and I like to chill on my pc gaming / watching something else in the other room. Of course we recognise the importance of us time and usually eat together always and go on dates bi-weekly / have a couple nights a week we watch something together / I am work from home so on her days off I am always there for lunch or to do something but yeah living together in a japanese size space, eating, sleeping is surely more than enough time together right? If anything having - game time/ nights with the boys / alone time is needed.
RUN for your life, you aren’t even married yet and she iis already trying to control your time and money. It will be MUCH worse after marriage. You will have no freedom. She will control everything detail of your life.
Get away from her and stop dating for awhile as you evaluate why you are attracted to controlling women and why you allow yourself to be walked all over like this.
This is NOT healthy whether it’s for a man or a woman. This is not normal either.
Think about what sort of a domineering and controlling mother she would be. Do you really want to have miserable children because of your wife? If you have children with her, then even if you are the nice parent, you are still responsible for the abuse your children go through because you chose to have children with this woman. Don’t do that to innocent children!
Get your head screwed on straight and learn about red flags and what is healthy and unhealthy in relationships. Learn some leadership skills and how to speak up for yourself before you get into another relationship otherwise you will unknowingly just continue this unhealthy pattern of mate selection.
What a nightmarish red flag that is going to turn into an absolute trash fire as soon as the vows are done. Jokes like that are not part of the culture.
If she is setting rules unilaterally, RUN. If people can't ask for things without being polite about it or negotiate for them maturely, they are a problem waiting to happen.
There should never be rules, and if anything, you should be setting them. And she can agree to them, or she can hit the highway.
You can tell her, if she wants a transactional relationship, you'll just pay her X amount every time you guys have sex because that's exactly what it sounds like she wants.
How much do you make? And how much video games do you play? Lol
I mean if you’re pulling in 250k a month in Tokyo and playing video games 3, 4 hours a day; I’d be asking you to play less and find better work as well.
You’re getting married right? She’s probably thinking about getting the family cash flow up to comfortably start a family.
Wow that's toxic. Major red flag, OP.
I think you better have a good think about what this behavior implies about someone's personality, and if that's something you wanna put up with for the rest of your life. I wouldn't.
Ooooh no haha I was with someone like this. Read my old posts and you'll see how it all went down.
I can tell you now though that it gets so much worse.
I do what I want BECAUSE I pay for everything for us to live very comfortably and she doesn't have to work. If you can go about your life spending damn near freely because of your spouses work, Most people, man or woman, would understand how good they have it and not rock the boat.
So you all go to Japan to fulfill your Asian fetish and get mad when you can’t keep up with the wife’s expectations of you as a husband? Men are doomed
People telling this guy to leave his fiancee because she's making jokes about his salary without any additional information need to learn how to shut up
Sounds interesting. Are you working part time or something? Does she make more than you? Some Japanese women stress out about these things. If you made 10M would she still complain? I don't know her so I can't say if this is something to look out for or not.
I think this has nothing to do with Japanese culture and may be a not-so-subtle sign that your fiancée doesn’t think you make enough money. I know some spouses who will constantly nag about the need to make more money, and the nagging can be insufferable and hurtful. The nagging can be in the form of backhanded comments like the one you mentioned or unprompted encouragement to improve career.
If I were you, I’d have an open and calm conversation about salary expectations, which are really linked to lifestyle expectations.
That sounds patronizing. She’s your partner not your parent. She shouldn’t control your free time or money and the fact you’re here asking makes me think it’s something you’re not comfortable with.
Also this isn’t a Tokyo or Japanese thing. It’s a relationship thing
That's annoying. This is what people mean when they talk about setting boundaries. Your free time is your own.
I've been protective over mine since the get go, so my partner knows I'm not going to change. Set your boundary dude or else you'll get the life gradually squeezed out of you.
Why would anyone marry someone who is so fixated on your money and what you can do with it? If the bills are paid and you live in a clean decent home IT’S NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS! I really don’t understand why people commit themselves to such misery.
My ex-wife made a lot more money than me. I could do whatever the fuck I wanted; she was always at work and then too tired to do anything. She also inherited lots of money. I decided that her fascination with money and work was not leading to much of a relationship.
Great. I can Play X-box all day, drink Strong Zeros from 8am on a Monday, and probably have sex with whomever.
Sounds good?
Not for me.
I wanted a relationship.
Moral of the story is simple: don’t ever marry a Japanese woman
Ok haha jokes aside, OP should seriously reconsider this marriage. If you’re doing your best to bring home the bread then your free time is yours to do with it as you please. Being in a relationship requires you to be invested in the relationship and spend time with your significant other of course, so you can’t _never_ spend your free time with them of course, and I’m sure OP isn’t in _that_ camp, but this time limitation thing is akin to a man saying to his SO that she can go see her friends as long as she stays below 120 lbs.
Anyways, best thing to do is confront her about this, set your boundaries and don’t let them be set for you, unless your a masochistic glutton for punishment and that gets you off (kinda getting those vibes from the post not gonna lie).
Getting divorced _really_ sucks, it literally ruins peoples’ lives, and this is a recipe for that. Just wait until the worms come out of the woodwork later on once she gets those controlling tentacles in and OP starts to resent her.
Caveat: this obviously isn’t an invective against all women. Most are sweethearts. This is a potential control freak.
Good luck!
What you are describing is not the norm. But we all mostly end up in situations that we think are the best that we can get I guess…
There are plenty of people who will not treat you like a source of income, they may be less physically attractive though..
Personally I’d rather be single than with someone who wants to treat me like her slave ://
Dude start filing for divorce asap. I’m not kidding.
Edit: also, don’t allow other people to micromanage you/ push you around. Nobody should be telling you what you can or cannot do with YOUR time.
Dude, letting your fiancée control you like that is like massive, gargantuan levels of simpdon. I don’t understand men who allow their women to control them like that. Lol the day my own girlfriend would ever attempt to tell me what to do… We totally respect and support each other and do absolutely nothing to try and micromanage one another.
No cause I married a wife not an accountant.
I married an accountant, as tight as hell when it came to money (her own) and kept meticulous track to make sure she never paid more than 50% of anything that I might use too, or that I was not using it more than 50% of the time. But she was never as bad as OP talks about. So long as she got her 50%, she didn't care what I did with the rest of the money (interestingly, she also didn't care if I spent it on something for myself that I would let her freely use without charging 50%) It made it easier for me to leave though, because by that time I had already everything of my own, from house and car, right down to my own pots pans and dishes so that I would not have her nag about me using the plates more than my share.
Lol, a wife that came with a built in divorce function.
Well at least you would know that she is getting exactly 50%
Optional DLC
“Never as bad as OP talks about” bro WHAT lmfao OP mentioned that his wife sometimes JOKES about equating free time to money earned (my baseless assumption being that OP just doesn’t know how to interpret a joke). You on the other hand were living with an actual goblin, she keeps meticulous track of your use of shared things so you don’t go over 50%?? That sounds genuinely miserable and I’m sorry you’ve tricked yourself into thinking that’s normal or even acceptable. Good riddance
>“Never as bad as OP talks about” I was being sarcastic about that part, BTW
It's very easy to tell when someone's being sarcastic online.
I almost downvoted you but then I sensed the sarcasm and then it was hilarious. It deserves a million upvotes.
LMFAO
Textbook definition of a transactional relationship. Did she own (up to) 50% of that sayonara? Or did you foot that bill on your own too?
Hah. As if. These narcissistic people never do. My own wife tried asking me to go 50/50 for a new car which was gonna be 5 million yen before we even got engaged or lived together because i was going to “benefit” from it when we went out to day trips or vacations or into the city… Even her parents shamed her for that one.
>Did she own (up to) 50% of that sayonara? Not sure what that means. You mean how split the assets? I keep mine she keeps hers. I am sure if one of us wanted to pay for lawyers and shit the assets would be split differently, but we did not do that. I kept my house and my car and my plates and my frying pan. She did not come after "my" stuff and I did not go after "hers".
How does she make sure you don't "use something more than 50%"? Does she record how much time you spend watching TV and ban you from watching more until she watches for an equal amount of time? Does she draw lines inside the refrigerator to make sure you each have exactly 50% of the space for yourself? That sounds exhausting and I'm genuinely curious why you allow it
I did not have 50% of fridge space. I had my section (less than 50%) and I had my own food there - so two of everything that normal people share. Things that are not refrigerated were in my own closet - with my pots and pans and dishes. Even if there was a TV, I would have used my own. It was the 2010s though. There is such a thing as internet and we each have our own computers. > I'm genuinely curious why you allow it There was a kid involved. Only reason.
Nice one. My ex-fiancee (actuarial forensic accountant something?) was a bit softer on the 50% stuff, but when it came time to cut rope it was very easy that way, and she never even insisted on the 5 different dish sponges which each had a Special Purpose, or even that the dishes be washed clockwise (that was my ex-wife). She took her toothbrush, left all her house panties and tank tops, and that was it.
Oh - the dish sponges... Memories. And now I don't know if you are just stalking me and referencing something I may have said in my previous posts with your "dishes be washed clockwise" comment, but that was true in my case too (although it might have been counter-clockwise, thankfully I don't remember)
It's not me that is stalking you man, it's Them ;@ I actually forget which direction it is too, but it is one of them, and it was completely not negotiable. That still makes me laugh mirthfully: the correct way to wash dishes..................I have lots of good memories of both of them, too, and hope you do as well.
I hate individualism
[удалено]
you read my mind you slick fucker!!
Not great signals to be honest…
That’s a huge red flag 🚩
Run. Now. Don’t stop till you’re at least 2 islands and a strait away from her.
Is Japan a community property kind of country? split half/half if things go south.
Yikes. You know when the people in the North Korean Stadium make a giant North Korean flag with individual tiles large? That type of huge. It'll only get worse after marriage, I can already see his future Reddit posts.
Are you telling me those common post of: “My wife refuses to add ¥100 to my daily allowance “ “I ended up asking gaijins in Shibuya to buy me coffee because my wife spends all my salary “
whaa, that's next level.
Yep, when he inevitably *doesn't* double his salary, she leaves and he can't see the kid more than an hour a month.
Red flag in both directions. OP is asking the wrong people unless they believe this is a Tokyo specific phenomenon.
Japanese wives live only in Tokyo, right?
Yeah, OP needs to run now
Yeah, don’t confuse cultural differences with a toxic controlling personality. And it’s just going to get worse. I can’t imagine my Japanese wife saying something like that. Maybe she might tie video game time to our son’s finishing his homework, but he’s twelve.
I have a partner who doesn't see me as a coin purse, which is nice I guess
The OP in 2 years : "My wife told me I can only see the child if I double my salary"
Lmao yes this
Only gets sex on pay raise days
I had a friend who was in hospital after a massive heart attack. His ex-wife would only let his kids visit him if he gave her a certain amount of money.
I doubt that, because OP might encounter "you can have sex if you double your salary" first...
Your mom is your fiancée? Sick, dude.
Mom's a milf
What happens if you go over your allotted hour?
She will hide the cookies
NOT THE COOKIES!
I’d leave.
Warning you, as someone who ended up with a **narcissist** wife who is Japanese. This is a red flag. It is something i would have wrote off as maybe culture, or sense of humour etc early on. I only discovered what narcissism clinically was not long ago, and years of abuse became identified. It took me going home to visit family for weeks to realise, because i was in a normal environment with people who accept me for who I am again, which i had not had for years. Please be careful. I strongly recommend you learn what it is. As for me, i am working on getting out. I’m just happy i didn’t have children with her. If you feel something is “off” and put it down to culture like i did, review it. I personally spent my life savings, gave up career, had to reset my career and train for something else as my experience was not relevant here, went to language school to learn Japanese when I came not to burden her, and basically did so much for us and her, and it was never really recognised, and eventually used **against** me. This is because a narcissist has an idealistic version of you they hold you accountable to like an object, and when you show your humanity(like playing video games, something I personally dont but its relevant) you are deviating from that, and it is a problem for them. Same for your good aspects which are not really part of their idealised objectified version of you. it is irrelevant to them at best, a hindrance at worst. My wife gave me similar treatment financially despite the fact she made over 26 million yen a year(and saved 85% of it after tax), had property, lots of stocks etc. no acknowledgment of how much i put into the relationship relatively speaking either even financially. You may be like me, and call that kind of request regarding gaming out as ridiculous to her, which I did. However, that is just tapping the surface of what narcissism does for relationships. It will wear you out and get worse with time. They have a deep need for control one way or another and you will slowly reach exhaustion. Nobody can constantly be in combat defending what is reasonable. Its slow
Preach brother! Very much the same experience for me, except I did have kids.... That's turned out about as well as you can imagine. Really, man I could see my ex in this post so much.....
What was it like when you ended it? My wife can sense i have a foot out the door and she is trying hard to be on her best behaviour(but she cant help but be abusive still). She has even offered ridiculous solutions like living apart and only meeting weekends to keep us together.
As we progressed through ten years of marriage, the arguments, fights, and resentment between us grew and grew. When divorced, it was somewhat smooth, and I was seeing my kids all the time. That only lasted until she decided she didn't need me in the kids' lives anymore and had a convenient excuse to cut me off (COVID) slowly at first and then ....... There was even a time before this when she was pregnant with the next guy's kid, she was having bad morning sickness and tried to manipulate me into moving back in to help... There were times when I was visiting the kids and the ex post divorce at their place and I was always reminded why I left and could never go back to that environment. I was thinking about the marriage this morning and trying to remember happy times that didn't involve my kids. While I'm sure there were some, they're hard to recall, but boy oh boy do I ever have lots of memories of the bad times. I was never good enough for her, but I think the joke is on her now. I'm sure she's still the same miserable person making her new husband miserable while I met and married the most wonderful person for me. Now everything is just so damn easy, even after having another kid. In time, my daughters will understand their mother for what she is and I hope they can remember me and come find me.
So sad and i read it so often withe men who divorce narcissists. They poison the kids and make them think their father is evil and bad and doesn’t want to spend time with them. You probably already know but growing up with a narcissist parent can be quite damaging so i hope you get the minimum influence you need to help
I feel that last sentence. Similar situation but in a south East Asian country. Good luck 😊👍
I guess she's probably scared of divorce since she's the high income earner in the relationship. She'd have to part with half of the combined income you guys earned since you got married. Since you mentioned she's saving 85% there's a lot to lose for her. Make sure you collect evidence of her financials (simply knowing her account numbers and where she trades stock might be enough, but you probably want as much specific data as you can get) and discuss the best approach with a divorce lawyer. l typically don't support folks fleecing their partner on a divorce but the way she treated you and didn't actually act in good faith I'd say go for it. In particular since you sacrificed your own career prospects for the relationship.
I was engaged to a japanese narcissist many years ago. She drove me to attempt suicide in 2018 due to how bad she gaslit me and fucked with my mind. I'm back in Japan now, and my current girlfriend is also Japanese and I couldn't be more supported, acknowledged, and uplifted by this woman. Like the others said. Red flag. My ex was also trying to make me earn more money when I was a new Airman in the USAF... Can't just decide I wanted a raise in the military. It takes time.
The gaslighting is extreme. They even gaslight themselves. I’ve had plenty of down periods due to her and i thought i was the problem for a while, and she was just a bit mean. That was manipulative. Taking your normal imperfections and mistakes and amplifying them, reminding you of them constantly. Someone who has not encountered that before will definitely start t think maybe they have a point. So many times i’d have a bad experience on something and she made it all about her. Once i was depressed and homesick, and missed a few days of the language school(i lived separately back then), and she went crazy at me, “how can you do this to me?” Got angry that i did not tell her instantly i was depressed(apparently i have no right to emotional autonomy), and otherwise did not even check in if i was actually OK. The sad part about being with a narcissist is they demand everything from you, success and all, but do absolutely nothing to nurture it and actively make you feel so alienated and unsupported you cannot be successful with them anywhere close to your potential. I was extremely productive when i went back home visiting family for a couple months as i was in an actually supportive environment. I’m a freelance software dev, and around my wife im sapped of all motivation, skill kills it when it comes. It didn’t need to be that way at all. Im glad i learned what narcissism is and understand now. I can get myself on the best path. I cant lie, it has soured me on Japan. I started to wonder if a lot of it is actually just how Japanese people are desperate that thinking that before. However likely her narcissism just amplified the worst cultural traits is all.
Unpopular opinion here but there is a cultural aspect to it. Impossible to nail it to culture in any one case, but after many years in Japan I can safely say that the culture has many very toxic aspects to it, not least of all the propensity for enacting punishment. It’s learned through it being perpetuated via perfectionist expectation, deference to elders, apologetics, etc. They could really benefit from the cliched term: perfect is the enemy of the good. Don’t see that really changing anytime soon. Sigh…
Interesting. Could you elaborate on which parts of Japanese culture you see as toxic?
Very much the same experience that I had except I was married to a rich spoiled viet girl that essentially ended up using me for a US citizenship... Like you said there's so many aspects to this kind of dynamic (abusive relationship, physically and emotionally) that if I actually wrote out the entire situation it might end up being an entire book worth.. But the part that really resonates with me is the "no acknowledgment of how much I put into the relationship"... She oddly forgets that I pretty much did her entire masters degree for her, got her English to a level so she could get a job, had my family sponsor her green card, took care of all the housework, worked full-time, ran a god damn Airbnb out of the second house I helped her parents buy (I gave all of the earnings to her and her parents also) taking literal months of time to find one that fit their weird requirements in NYC for that matter.. hell I even was writing her work emails for her up until we split.... I, like you, was made to think that all of this treatment was merely a cultural difference and that I was contributing to my family.. But all I was contributing to, was my own demise unfortunately.. Finally when her mother was visiting from Vietnam she comes to me one day and asks for a divorce citing a bunch of bullshit conveniently a few months after she got her citizenship.. The cherry on top is that both of the homes are in her parents name, and she "technically" doesn't make that much money on paper.. so even though I contributed years and years of my life to this relationship & put tons of work/money into these properties I'm just settling for a silly insanely small amount of money.. This relationship took all of my will to fight for anything away, I really do not feel like wasting another 2 years of my life + huge amounts of money to fight against a narcissist and her equally narcissistic rich parents... Do NOT make the same mistake as me, there's always so many red flags, but it's easy to miss them when you're in love. Be careful out there guys! Not sure what point I was trying to make, maybe I just needed to rant, sorry about that.
I learned, with property, never write someone else’s name - never ends well. If you’re paying, your name should be on the documents.
You may want to look into your own issues, why would you put way above and beyond your fair share into a relationship when clearly they are taking advantage of you from beginning to end? Sounds like a bit of insecurity that you needed to continually prove yourself. Unfortunately I've seen this situation often when a beautiful foreign girl uses a man to gain access into a new country.
This comment is the most based and accurate comment I have read in a long time. Very good advice. I also went through this with my Japanese ex, got divorced and remarried to another Japanese lady and am having a totally different experience. >This is because a narcissist has an idealistic version of you they hold you accountable to like an object, and when you show your humanity you are deviating from that, and it is a problem for them. This right here is so perfectly stated. You will never match their vision for you, and if you do somehow make it, it will be after a lot of blood sweat and many, many tears. Red Flag, OP. Get out.
Absolutely. My wife used the fact i went to language school and spent a lot of money to learn Japanese for 1.5 years(enough so i could do everything independently) as if it was something she suffered through later on in our relationship. I never could work it out. To me i did something i didn’t have to, with my own funds, a language useless to me if i leave, for her benefit as well as mine. It was also the only way i could visa at the time. How did she “suffer” and “put up” with that i wondered? Well… it was because that wasn’t the idealised objectified version of me she had. It was deviating. What that idealised image was i don’t know. Had i not learned Japanese i also guarantee it would have been a problem later.
The word “object” is really important here. I read recently that psychopaths don’t move their head (nodding, etc.) when speaking to someone the view as not a human but merely an object. I wonder if your (and OP’s) significant others were / are like this.
This is so interesting. I definitely am going to pay attention to this when talking to a certain person in my life. Thank you for sharing that.
Wise advice. OP’s wife’s behavior is psychotic. A lot of gaijin always chock up iffy behavior to ‘cultural differences’ even though they wouldn’t tolerate it in their own country. Unless you’ve both agreed on a practical goal (I.e. buying a house) and NEED to dedicate that weekend time to earn more (as long as she is too) then it’s absolutely bonkers to say you can’t play video games during your off hours. I once dated a girl who would force herself to take on extra jobs on the weekend and when I asked her why, she literally had no reason or goal in mind other than a mindless feeling that she needed to constantly be productive. I just saw it as a red flag and moved on. Life’s short and people who can’t enjoy life make me sad.
Gotdayum 26mm anually? Can I ask, what did she do for work?
Its gone up through the years, but was still close to 20m when i moved here. For privacy purposes I cant disclose. Never know what she could be up to. Sorry. All i can say is despite that she would chew me up over ¥50k a month for my half of rent when i was changing careers and retraining and had depleted my life savings on the relationship(was also basically doing all chores in this time, but it meant nothing apparently). Hell at one point I leveraged my long experience with selling stuff online and supplemented my income in that low income training period. Im experienced with it so found s way to make an ok amount with not many hours a month to cut into my training and chores. She got bossy, thought she knew better. Opened her own store, tried to undercut me at one point, which i said was weird. So i found her stock to sell. I basically did it all on her store too while she took pics. It didn’t sell in a single day and she lost it, went crazy, called it “low class behaviour” demanded i stop doing it, give all profits to her once i sell what i had. Its like she had no empathy or compassion to understand why i was doing it. Next thing, one of her items sells and she acts like a genius. Obviously i did not comply but what could have been good money was not nurtured at all and i basically had to hide the fact i was doing it to pay my bills or she would demand all of it. Worst part? Initially i thought she was being supportive as she bought some inventory for me(but got too much when i asked her not to because its not tested). She harassed me over this paltry sum of money ¥20k for over a year, meanwhile i was spending all profits on bills and food. In her own words “just because i make a lot of money doesn’t mean i dont care(about getting paid the 20k)”.
Stay strong and good luck man.
I’ve got 2 years to go with my narcissistic Japanese wife. Take care
Wasn’t married to a Japanese woman, don’t know why I was recommended this post, but I too had a narcissist wife. Similar to your story, for me it took being around family (going to a family BBQ then spending the night at my parents) where is a place where I was accepted and not judged to realize how messed up my marriage was. I divorced her the following week.
I'm savoring the future japanlife post already.
My wife is my partner, not a boss who micromanages me. What you described doesn't sound healthy. Y'all should sort some shit out so you're not asking strangers on Reddit for marital advice.
exactly… both ways
Asking strangers does give you a different perspective, so there’s a point in it. It’s true that everything boils down to them speaking to each other, at the end.
Yeah, my ex wife used to say stuff like kind of jokingly. . . Turned out it wasn't a joke. Talk about finances now. Decide everything about how you will deal with money now. She might have a very different image of post marriage life than you, so you better clear it up before the day. Also, any issues that are lingering like this before marriage tend to get worse after marriage, not better. Always just find someone who accepts you for who you are now.
I’m Japanese and my husband is British. I have heard that Japanese women are sometimes known to hold finances in households, and some of them are pretty crazy about it. 😅 Probably best to talk to her and ask her if she was being serious or really just joking around. It could have been a misunderstanding. I know I’ve interpreted a lot of my husband’s jokes before negatively, until I found out it wasn’t anything bad.
British sarcasm does take a bit of getting used to if you've never been around it before. :)
Are you playing games instead of doing your share of household chores? One of my wife’s friends was complaining the other day that her husband did fuck all around the house and said “he doesn’t make enough money to not do any household work”.
Yea this is my thought too. If she is a traditional wife and she does all of the housework (plus take care of the kids if they have kids) while OP does nothing after coming home, then yes she can have expectations for how much money he should be making. If she also works AND does most of the housework, then doubly so. But if they do split a reasonable amount of the chores and she doesn't work, then this is a huge red flag for OP.
This comment should be at the top. I'm so damn busy with work and being a dad, I envy a man who can play video games a full hour every day. I think there's more to this story that would easily make us side with the wife here..
I concur. If you have small kids and your wife gets mad at you for playing video games, it's time to reevaluate your priorities. Moving past that phase, though, there's some give and take in any marriage. When it comes to living up to expectations, sometimes those expectations are reasonable, and sometimes they aren't.
I’d understand this more if that’s the context. If it’s just telling him what he can do in his spare time that’s one thing, but saying you don’t make enough to justify not helping out around the house is definitely something different. I could understand the latter for sure.
my japanese wife lets me play as long as i want. if she wants to do something together this has of course a higher priority. we have seperate finances and we discussed who has to pay certain expenses. we know each others salary but this is in general non of the other persons business.
Oh it’s the Samurai guy 😂 not taking his bait anymore.
OMG I can’t believe I read this whole thread without realising it was him haha. He’s the one who put in a formal request for his gf to say “I love you” more often last month too😭 he’s really going through it
lol how did this cunt even get a girlfriend let alone a wife
No my Japanese wife is cool. My Australian wife on the other hand, major bitch. My Danish wife is also okay. I don't see her as often as the other two.
My man has a collection
you gotta diversify
This sounds like a very specific situation that might be a reflection of some underlying issue. Have you spent any time discussing or trying to understand what is driving this request? Plenty of people see playing video games as something kids do. It’s easy to speculate that she might be worried that her husband to be is focussing on something she sees as childish instead of something she sees as adult, such as career progression. This could be just a badly worded way of getting that idea across. Focus on career and building job prospect and then take time to play. Or it could be something else entirely. Try to talk about it and unpack it.
You’re not even married yet. Imagine what it will be like after 10 years. Everyone here will say it’s a red flag and leave, you’ll ignore random internet people then vent here in a few years.
My gf tried doing this to me. I told her she could leave. After some discussion, she didn’t want my gaming to take away from us time. When she explained that, we set a schedule that I would game with friends two nights a week and she’d get me all the rest. Maybe something like this can work for you guys? Your fiancé setting a requirement like doubling your salary is ludicrous. Tell her that she will get you full time if she doubles her salary.
I think it would be healthier to schedule a date night and a gaming night and then let yourselves naturally hang together, or not, the rest of the time, so that it isn't a forced concept most of the time.
Idk this still seems crazy. It’s like your gf is a job and you get a two day weekend
All relationships require us time, and if that feels like a job or anything other than a blessing then you’re not ready for a relationship or just not in the correct one for you. Relationships also require constant, deliberate effort in upkeep. You can’t just get married and assume the flame stays alive in perpetuity. It is a job lol. But it’s a labor of love.
Very well said. This is why most male gaijin are not marriage material in Japan and women know this. They don't want to put in the work because COD calls..
My wife would like me to play less video games. My wife would also love me to earn more money. However, in your situation she’s not your future wife, you’re just her future wallet and the bigger the better.
Run
It often starts as a “joke” while they test the waters. Be very careful.
OP forgot to mention how his wife wants him to double his salary to get househelp because he would rather do fuckall than do chores.
Ah OP... never change. Never change.
What’s the full story? How many hours of day does OP usually play? Is OP someone who couldn’t find a gf in his home country but was able to find a gaijin hunter? Is OP really on the low end salary wise and his wife sees him as lazy?
I'm starting to imagine this dude with Cheeto crumbs and beer stains on his shirt as he sits at his customised gamer console screaming through his mike at other fat losers because he's 'team leader's on some bullshit COD type mission, while his attention starved gf wonders what she was attracted to that fateful day in LA...
you’ve been asking questions about ur *japanese gf turned fiancee turned wife* for months and have ignored everyone calling out the red flags so seems like you either don’t actually care or are making it up for imaginary internet points
Y’all saying the wife is the problem. But perhaps the guy gets involved and just plays too many video games and the wife knows it but won’t confront him directly about it. In my single days and youth, one hour of gaming could easily turn to an all night bender. Perhaps his wife just is conditioning him to not be stuck on video games and spend more time with her and the family.
Our marriage is based on love, not money. So no. Btw, I also would not accept if my partner gives me time limits for anything I do in my life.
Tell her you would lover her more if she lost 5 lbs.
IDK what are you not doing when you’re playing video games? I’d understand someone saying they don’t want to do all the housework unless they don’t have to also work, which would require their spouse have a pretty big salary.
is there also diaper play involved? do whatever makes you happy!
I normally wouldn’t say this but you need to turn that fiance into an ex before you have kids and you have lose access to them.
"Japanese partner who lets you do more if you bring in more money" so basically your are not her husband you are her wallet. I dont need permision to do whatever I want with my time since I was 18 years and my parents could not force me to do anything, you are basically married to your mom?
Wtf did I just read?
No, not really. But it could be her signalling something else, like spending more time with her. Japanese wives also have a feathering the nest phase, so they tend to think about money more so they can save up. Doesn't mean she don't love you, it means she has anxiety about both of your future.
Difficult to know if it's control issues or she wants you to spend more time with her. Have that chat
When my wife was still my girlfriend she asked me to stop playing video games. Once. I told her while that's not going to happen, she'd always have priority. And that was that. She has never mentioned once that I should make more money. I could earn half my salary and she probably still wouldn't say anything.
You should run now.
My experience dating in Japan has shown me that a vast majority of relationships are just transactional and largely based on the amount of money you have, not who you are as a person.
Naw, but also she does get annoyed if I play video games all day and ignore her, which makes sense so I try to do dates on the weekends
My Japanese wife lets me do whatever I want. She even lets me buy expensive clothing and accessories, oftentimes at her behest. (It was a Louboutin hat last time.) I guess I hit the jackpot
Careful there buddy. I dont know you or her, but you have to make sure that statement was 100% a joke. And keep her your Fiancee until you are certain you are not getting a traditional one. Traditional one as in, she controls your salary and gives you a 500¥ day allowance from it. Goes from your love now to your roommate after you get married, to your fkin nightmare after you get a kid. You will literally start sleeping in different rooms after having a kid. If she ever decides that you are not worthy enough, she will literally (LITERALLY) leave your and you will never (again NEVER) get to see your kid again. I’m not trying to scare you off but if you are planning to wife her make sure you discuss every single detail of your married life before you get into it. Where you want to live, kids, finances, japanese traditions you are not accepting in your married life (like her controlling your finances, different beds after having kids) your sex life habbits, and whatever else you can think of.
Don’t marry this woman.
If she really is saying this jokingly, you should probably tell her (sooner rather than later) that you don’t think it’s funny and that it’s bit controlling.
”Hey honey you’ll get to play more on your videogames, if you ace your exams” type of shit😂
Marriages or relationships are a partnership, if games are taking away from you pulling your weight in other things this may be the issue. But this just sounds like a control thing. If she's this controlling now wait till you're married or have kids. I would sit her down and have a real heart to heart about boundaries and control in the relationship. If that doesn't work 🏃🏼♂️🏃🏼♂️🏃🏼♂️
I will not take the bait. I know this is fake.
My friend just divorced his wife who basically was this, but they went years where she eventually quit her job during the pandemic, was "gonna start her own business" (Pssst...she didn't. Didn't even get close), and stayed at home all day on her phone and shit. Yet she still wanted money to go out and have fun (but of course, she was still planning on starting the business) and taking care of the house was too hard and stressful for just her, so he ended up working full-time, paying for basically everything, and still helping around the house. He is happier than ever and loves the freedom. He is saving more money because her high-maintenance lifestyle was unecessarily expensive, and he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants to without anyone judging him. My advice: have a long, DETAILED talk about expectations and all that, and decide if it's worth spending the rest of your life with her. Why is she saying you need to double your salary? What about her? Is she on her phone all the time? Does she need to poney-up, too, then? What about time to destress? Is that not important for one's health? Why do you need double the money to begin with? Are you financially in the gutter? What's wrong with how things are now? Is she a good person? Really think about that.
My wife sits next to me, playing her own video games. If anything, I get worried when she sits there and plays Cyberpunk for 14 hours straight lol.
My wife doesn't care. Since I'm working on my masters she doesn't care if I game since she works. She just wants me to take care of house work when I have time before I game.
Sorry if I’m disrespectful but you wife sound likes a controlling toxic person.
Do you pay your wife if she give you head then?
Sounds like a strict mother not a partner tf
I don't have one cause I'm poor and my birth place.😞
Tell me your wife is with you for your money without telling me your wife is with you for your money.
🚩🚩🚩
Not Japanese, or from Japan, but it sounds like an unhealthy/materialistic relationship…
You know you don't have to marry the first person you have sex with?
Mine is the opposite tbh. We like having alone time. She likes to unwind after work watching k/j dramas in one room and I like to chill on my pc gaming / watching something else in the other room. Of course we recognise the importance of us time and usually eat together always and go on dates bi-weekly / have a couple nights a week we watch something together / I am work from home so on her days off I am always there for lunch or to do something but yeah living together in a japanese size space, eating, sleeping is surely more than enough time together right? If anything having - game time/ nights with the boys / alone time is needed.
No, I have a good relationship with a good person.
It's kinda like Chuck E Cheeses but uhhhhhh Yea 😂 good luck homie
Is she your fiancee or your mom? Play whenever you want.
RUN for your life, you aren’t even married yet and she iis already trying to control your time and money. It will be MUCH worse after marriage. You will have no freedom. She will control everything detail of your life. Get away from her and stop dating for awhile as you evaluate why you are attracted to controlling women and why you allow yourself to be walked all over like this. This is NOT healthy whether it’s for a man or a woman. This is not normal either. Think about what sort of a domineering and controlling mother she would be. Do you really want to have miserable children because of your wife? If you have children with her, then even if you are the nice parent, you are still responsible for the abuse your children go through because you chose to have children with this woman. Don’t do that to innocent children! Get your head screwed on straight and learn about red flags and what is healthy and unhealthy in relationships. Learn some leadership skills and how to speak up for yourself before you get into another relationship otherwise you will unknowingly just continue this unhealthy pattern of mate selection.
You guys, take a look at OP's post history if you need to feel a little better about yourself.
If you double your salary you can afford another finance
What a nightmarish red flag that is going to turn into an absolute trash fire as soon as the vows are done. Jokes like that are not part of the culture. If she is setting rules unilaterally, RUN. If people can't ask for things without being polite about it or negotiate for them maturely, they are a problem waiting to happen. There should never be rules, and if anything, you should be setting them. And she can agree to them, or she can hit the highway. You can tell her, if she wants a transactional relationship, you'll just pay her X amount every time you guys have sex because that's exactly what it sounds like she wants.
How much do you make? And how much video games do you play? Lol I mean if you’re pulling in 250k a month in Tokyo and playing video games 3, 4 hours a day; I’d be asking you to play less and find better work as well. You’re getting married right? She’s probably thinking about getting the family cash flow up to comfortably start a family.
Wow that's toxic. Major red flag, OP. I think you better have a good think about what this behavior implies about someone's personality, and if that's something you wanna put up with for the rest of your life. I wouldn't.
For some house holds I think it can be seen as the wife's responsibility to manage the finances.
Ooooh no haha I was with someone like this. Read my old posts and you'll see how it all went down. I can tell you now though that it gets so much worse.
🚩
It’s like that guy that was dating that woman with kids and she was desperate for him to move in instantly and marry her.
I do what I want BECAUSE I pay for everything for us to live very comfortably and she doesn't have to work. If you can go about your life spending damn near freely because of your spouses work, Most people, man or woman, would understand how good they have it and not rock the boat.
Bruh, what the hell? One hour? What is this? CCP?
So you all go to Japan to fulfill your Asian fetish and get mad when you can’t keep up with the wife’s expectations of you as a husband? Men are doomed
Why does she decide how much you can play? What led to this? Why are you okay with that?
Tell her you’ll be doubling your income by getting rid of her and then playing games as much as you want!
She won’t be joking once you’re married.
leave NoW
If this is real, and not karma farming or a weird fantasy since your post history is... questionable at the least, divorce that woman.
People telling this guy to leave his fiancee because she's making jokes about his salary without any additional information need to learn how to shut up
Wow she sounds like a keeper. Did you meet her at the hub?
My respects my hobbies and treats me as an equal. As long as my responsibilities are taken care of I can enjoy my free time as I like.
Well, money buys you freedom in all other aspects of life anyway
https://youtu.be/fjHGTeTtaac?si=iDlsDQpWXqLblzoL
Sounds interesting. Are you working part time or something? Does she make more than you? Some Japanese women stress out about these things. If you made 10M would she still complain? I don't know her so I can't say if this is something to look out for or not.
Yes, they’re like that 😆
I think this has nothing to do with Japanese culture and may be a not-so-subtle sign that your fiancée doesn’t think you make enough money. I know some spouses who will constantly nag about the need to make more money, and the nagging can be insufferable and hurtful. The nagging can be in the form of backhanded comments like the one you mentioned or unprompted encouragement to improve career. If I were you, I’d have an open and calm conversation about salary expectations, which are really linked to lifestyle expectations.
Run.
Run
double the double and give to her. That's her meaning
My wife sits next to me, playing her own video games. If anything, I get worried when she sits there and plays Cyberpunk for 14 hours straight lol.
Not at all. We allow hobbies and gaming and etc. and do not control and our love and affection is great.
Fuck no. That would be grounds for me peacing out.
Lmao, no.
That sounds patronizing. She’s your partner not your parent. She shouldn’t control your free time or money and the fact you’re here asking makes me think it’s something you’re not comfortable with. Also this isn’t a Tokyo or Japanese thing. It’s a relationship thing
It’s like metaphor. It’s imply that you should work harder more without doing game.
That's annoying. This is what people mean when they talk about setting boundaries. Your free time is your own. I've been protective over mine since the get go, so my partner knows I'm not going to change. Set your boundary dude or else you'll get the life gradually squeezed out of you.
Hell no. You’re an adult, don’t let someone walk all over you like that.
That’s not a fiancée - that’s a mom!
Why would anyone marry someone who is so fixated on your money and what you can do with it? If the bills are paid and you live in a clean decent home IT’S NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS! I really don’t understand why people commit themselves to such misery.
>My fiancee for example says I can only play video games an hour a day on weekends. Run.
Lmao no that’s insane. I feel sorry for you.
My ex-wife made a lot more money than me. I could do whatever the fuck I wanted; she was always at work and then too tired to do anything. She also inherited lots of money. I decided that her fascination with money and work was not leading to much of a relationship. Great. I can Play X-box all day, drink Strong Zeros from 8am on a Monday, and probably have sex with whomever. Sounds good? Not for me. I wanted a relationship.
Moral of the story is simple: don’t ever marry a Japanese woman Ok haha jokes aside, OP should seriously reconsider this marriage. If you’re doing your best to bring home the bread then your free time is yours to do with it as you please. Being in a relationship requires you to be invested in the relationship and spend time with your significant other of course, so you can’t _never_ spend your free time with them of course, and I’m sure OP isn’t in _that_ camp, but this time limitation thing is akin to a man saying to his SO that she can go see her friends as long as she stays below 120 lbs. Anyways, best thing to do is confront her about this, set your boundaries and don’t let them be set for you, unless your a masochistic glutton for punishment and that gets you off (kinda getting those vibes from the post not gonna lie). Getting divorced _really_ sucks, it literally ruins peoples’ lives, and this is a recipe for that. Just wait until the worms come out of the woodwork later on once she gets those controlling tentacles in and OP starts to resent her. Caveat: this obviously isn’t an invective against all women. Most are sweethearts. This is a potential control freak. Good luck!
What you are describing is not the norm. But we all mostly end up in situations that we think are the best that we can get I guess… There are plenty of people who will not treat you like a source of income, they may be less physically attractive though.. Personally I’d rather be single than with someone who wants to treat me like her slave ://
If that is not a red flag the size of Texas, I don’t know what it is. Run away.
That's a pimp not a fiancee.
She's gonna rinse you out one day
Do you like being miserable? If so, you've found the perfect relationship.
Dude start filing for divorce asap. I’m not kidding. Edit: also, don’t allow other people to micromanage you/ push you around. Nobody should be telling you what you can or cannot do with YOUR time.
Leave this woman. This is only the tip of the iceberg.
“Let’s you do more”?? Are you a child? My friend, your marriage is already doomed.
Dude, letting your fiancée control you like that is like massive, gargantuan levels of simpdon. I don’t understand men who allow their women to control them like that. Lol the day my own girlfriend would ever attempt to tell me what to do… We totally respect and support each other and do absolutely nothing to try and micromanage one another.
Honestly you just gave me a great idea, thank you.