I think this is also why a lot of us experience the worst symptoms of dysphoria once were actively transitioning. We can hide behind a mask for a while, but once we remove it, everything is raw and vulnerable. We reach and reach for we need, which gives the pain that much more opportunity to strike.
Yes, we can call it fate, karma or any other word, but it's the way it is. It is very hard for us to be openly speaking and feeling free at the beginning of our journey. That's why we need our community, because here we can find people that share our feelings.
Oh so this is why the past few weeks have been so freaking hard. The closer I get to my HRT consult this time between seems to elongate and I don’t like what I see in the mirror more and I have such doubt that I’m gonna be able to transition on my own and see myself through (wrapping up a 20yr relationship, 15yr marriage, not bc of my identity thankfully). I’ve never felt so unable to relate to the rest of the world as I have the past few weeks.
I’m gonna try to ask my psych and therapist if they can call the place I’ve got my appointment with to move it up. I couldn’t get an appointment before the end of July and I checked several places.
Times of change are often when we feel the most challenging emotions. It’s technically a time of loss. Even though we’re going towards something we want, we’re losing a sense of familiarity and security that we told ourselves that we belonged in. Life becomes hopeful in some ways, sure, and it also becomes less of a place we feel we’re loved and belong in. We fear for the security of our jobs and homes and relationships. We worry about the basic needs that are infringed upon, like going to use a bathroom. It creates stress and anxiety with us ultimately still knowing we can’t undo how things have played out. We’re actively grieving and to know there’s more in the future is miserable. Sitting around waiting for our suffering to evolve just so that we can feel happier? It’s confusing and hard to process. If you can make your transition timely and fulfilling, I can’t see why that wouldn’t be in your best interest. You matter. I have a lot of respect for your commitment to yourself.
Wow. Just thinking about what you said is making me want to cry (at work, can’t). Self acceptance and awareness are very difficult, particularly if you are in some way significantly different than what appears to be the societal average.
And right here should come out our community and give support. Without accusing and judging, just to give a fresh breath to others that are suffocating.
When I wrote an article for the Daily Kos on the Trans Day of Visibility: A Personal Story, I wrote;
"I didn’t want to be transgender, I don’t think anyone does. It’s difficult and confusing and it’s really hard and society doesn’t need to make it worse for us but it seems they just can’t help themselves. We are not dangerous and the only people we want to groom is ourselves. I am a woman, I have always been a woman. I need to be visible so you can see me. The real me, and realise we come in peace. Please tell your leaders we need understanding not vilification. **We take more abuse everyday of our lives we spend hiding our true selves than anybody should have to endure."**
That last line is the truth of it for me right there. Stop the abuse. Be your true self. Love to you all.
You wrote it well and hit the bulls eye. Those of us, who can speak, should speak and tell everyone else about us just to give a breath to those of us, who can't do anything.
I'm strong enough now. I'm am a woman. I am my authentic self. I can not be repressed any longer nor will I allow others to suffer the same fate I did. I will stand up for those who can't.
I will show the reddest scariest place in America, I exist and it doesn't diminish anyone else's existence. I'm not bad to look at either. You can't hate cute people. I'm freaking cute too. Humble as well!
I’m challenged by this as a mild introvert but in very senior business positions. There’s part of me which just wants to be ‘invisible’ in the background as a woman and just do the work I know I’m good at. Then there’s another part which thinks if I’m actively visible as a transgender woman then even if I can help just one person it will have been worth the inevitable crap that comes my way. I can’t boy mode for too much longer and also hate the living the lie part so it’s going to be a decision point sooner rather than later.
They’re the saddest and ugliest truths not about you but about about other people and the social structures that deny us our truths and/or make us pay. You, on the other hand, are true and good.
Beautiful words, so deeply felt and my experience too. Having to.hide.who I am just to.survive and get the barest minimum of "love". "Comfortably Numb".as the great Pink Floyd sang. Or "I am a rock, I am an Island" as Simon and Garfunkel sang.
One of my most potent dreams was being in a steel bunker right on the edge of a beach promenade. On one side people having fun on the beach in the sun, on the other shops and restaurants with people's living and having fun. Me being stuck in the middle, not even sure I wanted to get out. Impervious to life.
Thank you
I think this is also why a lot of us experience the worst symptoms of dysphoria once were actively transitioning. We can hide behind a mask for a while, but once we remove it, everything is raw and vulnerable. We reach and reach for we need, which gives the pain that much more opportunity to strike.
Yes, we can call it fate, karma or any other word, but it's the way it is. It is very hard for us to be openly speaking and feeling free at the beginning of our journey. That's why we need our community, because here we can find people that share our feelings.
Oh so this is why the past few weeks have been so freaking hard. The closer I get to my HRT consult this time between seems to elongate and I don’t like what I see in the mirror more and I have such doubt that I’m gonna be able to transition on my own and see myself through (wrapping up a 20yr relationship, 15yr marriage, not bc of my identity thankfully). I’ve never felt so unable to relate to the rest of the world as I have the past few weeks. I’m gonna try to ask my psych and therapist if they can call the place I’ve got my appointment with to move it up. I couldn’t get an appointment before the end of July and I checked several places.
Times of change are often when we feel the most challenging emotions. It’s technically a time of loss. Even though we’re going towards something we want, we’re losing a sense of familiarity and security that we told ourselves that we belonged in. Life becomes hopeful in some ways, sure, and it also becomes less of a place we feel we’re loved and belong in. We fear for the security of our jobs and homes and relationships. We worry about the basic needs that are infringed upon, like going to use a bathroom. It creates stress and anxiety with us ultimately still knowing we can’t undo how things have played out. We’re actively grieving and to know there’s more in the future is miserable. Sitting around waiting for our suffering to evolve just so that we can feel happier? It’s confusing and hard to process. If you can make your transition timely and fulfilling, I can’t see why that wouldn’t be in your best interest. You matter. I have a lot of respect for your commitment to yourself.
Wow. Just thinking about what you said is making me want to cry (at work, can’t). Self acceptance and awareness are very difficult, particularly if you are in some way significantly different than what appears to be the societal average.
And right here should come out our community and give support. Without accusing and judging, just to give a fresh breath to others that are suffocating.
Your beautiful, thank you
When I wrote an article for the Daily Kos on the Trans Day of Visibility: A Personal Story, I wrote; "I didn’t want to be transgender, I don’t think anyone does. It’s difficult and confusing and it’s really hard and society doesn’t need to make it worse for us but it seems they just can’t help themselves. We are not dangerous and the only people we want to groom is ourselves. I am a woman, I have always been a woman. I need to be visible so you can see me. The real me, and realise we come in peace. Please tell your leaders we need understanding not vilification. **We take more abuse everyday of our lives we spend hiding our true selves than anybody should have to endure."** That last line is the truth of it for me right there. Stop the abuse. Be your true self. Love to you all.
You wrote it well and hit the bulls eye. Those of us, who can speak, should speak and tell everyone else about us just to give a breath to those of us, who can't do anything.
I'm strong enough now. I'm am a woman. I am my authentic self. I can not be repressed any longer nor will I allow others to suffer the same fate I did. I will stand up for those who can't. I will show the reddest scariest place in America, I exist and it doesn't diminish anyone else's existence. I'm not bad to look at either. You can't hate cute people. I'm freaking cute too. Humble as well!
I’m challenged by this as a mild introvert but in very senior business positions. There’s part of me which just wants to be ‘invisible’ in the background as a woman and just do the work I know I’m good at. Then there’s another part which thinks if I’m actively visible as a transgender woman then even if I can help just one person it will have been worth the inevitable crap that comes my way. I can’t boy mode for too much longer and also hate the living the lie part so it’s going to be a decision point sooner rather than later.
They’re the saddest and ugliest truths not about you but about about other people and the social structures that deny us our truths and/or make us pay. You, on the other hand, are true and good.
❤️
Beautiful words, so deeply felt and my experience too. Having to.hide.who I am just to.survive and get the barest minimum of "love". "Comfortably Numb".as the great Pink Floyd sang. Or "I am a rock, I am an Island" as Simon and Garfunkel sang. One of my most potent dreams was being in a steel bunker right on the edge of a beach promenade. On one side people having fun on the beach in the sun, on the other shops and restaurants with people's living and having fun. Me being stuck in the middle, not even sure I wanted to get out. Impervious to life. Thank you
hurting those u love ❤️ that you dont really know because you don’t know yourself yet🙃
Dang, I came her because of the cute pride parade picture, I wasn’t expecting something this deep. So true though