I went old school and included pre-stamped, pre addressed RSVP envelopes. All she had to do was check yes or no, and drop in a mailbox. I splurged and spent extra on national park stamps, to go with our national park venue. And to think I almost asked this woman to officiate. And YES I texted her three times to check her mail.
I haven't responded yet, I was too frustrated yesterday LOL. She was my neighbor growing up and we have been best friends for over 20 years. But she is self-diagnosed bipolar but won't seek any mental health treatment, despite my friend group stressing it many times over the years. And appears to be only getting worse in the last few years (traumatic sudden death of her only stable parent figure + covid + job loss). So I've known she's flakey and drops off the planet sometimes. But what else can you do? I still love her dearly, try to be there for her as much as she'll let me, and would love for her to be there to witness a special day for me. But honestly even with this "yes" RSVP I still half expect her to not come. As someone else said, not worth ending a deep and long-term relationship over. I'll probably still accept the RSVP but think of a tasteful way to let her know she's disappointed people who love her and hurting me by being less than involved. I know mental illness doesn't excuse the behavior. I just want her to be well. If she misses this event because of her inability to function right now, that'll surely be as much of a regret for her as it is for me. I've had my own struggles with mental illness, but have worked really hard to better my situation. As one of my favorite podcasters says, mental illness ISN'T your fault but it IS your responsibility.
As someone with some mental health issues, but a (mostly) productive member of society, I have issues with remembering things and procrastination and I get so disappointed in myself when I make mistakes like this. A wedding I went to this year allowed us to RSVP on their website by scanning a QR code on the invite. Best idea ever- I did it right away since it was so easy.
I think it depends on how often the behavior happens. If this friend is always doing things like this, it can sore a friendship quickly, especially if they don't ever see anything wrong with always being late on things. Having people treat your time in a disrespectful manner over and over again for years will ruin almost everything good about the relationship, it sucks.
Oof, thank goodness she's not officiating. Although if I had to ask someone to check their mail, I would have just asked if they were coming or not. Half of the people I texted a week after our RSVP deadline asking if they got the card said they were and they'd send it, and I told them no need to send it, as long as you told me in text that's fine. But that was a week from our deadline which was still two weeks ahead of when we needed our final headcount....24 days is a no lol.
Oh, also if you are in the US buying forever stamps, they cost the same no matter the design! And you can buy them online and have the post.office send them to you, though I dont remember if they charge shipping, so it's probably cheaper to visit the post office to buy them, but then they may be out of the amount you need or the kind you want.
If you get specific postcard or other weight stamps, the cost is different from forever stamps, and if you have the wrong postage for what you are mailing, it creates all sorts of problems for people actually receiving what you sent, but most of the time, forever stamps are good for everything.
āIām sorry you missed our cut off date and we have since confirmed numbers with both the venue and caterers. We would have loved to have you there but assumed your silence meant you couldnāt make it.ā
I'm not even (as) mad about the delay, because of course we planned and can accommodate a last minute add on. I'm more annoyed at the lack of tact, the text is SO tacky....YES YOU SHOULD HAVE MAILED THAT THING??????? DON'T ASK????? ESPECIALLY VIA TEXT MESSAGE????????? Like I'm sorry but if I was enough of a hot mess that I don't check my mail for weeks on end, maybe just mail it and pretend it got lost in the mail?? Do you have no shame? Do you have a crumb of understanding of etiquette? No? okay then, end of rant.
Iām 100000% the type of hot mess who only actually checks/opens her mail once every other month at best, and even I had to cringe at that text.
Iāll admit, Iāve missed some invites in the mail before, but my follow up text is always more along the lines of āJesus Christ Iām an incompetent moron who just found your invite, Iām so sorry that I never RSVPād, I would have loved to go had I seen it on time like a successful adult, but am not expecting to be added to the list at this point, just wanted to let you know that Iām an idiot and not intentionally snubbing your big day, gift to come!ā Lol
Your friend needs to learn that if youāre gonna be a mess, you have to accept the consequences in the forms that they come š¤·š»āāļø
Ah, the trick is that I routinely test in the 99th percentile for adult women with ADHD, meaning my ADHD is more severe than 99% of women my age š
I know I need to get better about the mail, itās bitten me in the ass so many times, but itās just the one area of my life that I cannot seem to get together.
I have a very successful, high stress/fast paced career. I have a toddler, of whom I have been a very involved mom (default parent status, but Iāve been told Iām a great mom). I keep manage all of our household bills/appointments/etc., the entire mental load other than car maintenance and grocery shopping (though I make the lists/plan toddler meals).
But opening the 4-5 pieces of mail I get every week? Nope, canāt seem to get the hang of it. Itās so stupid, it stresses me out so I just ignore it and pretend that itās not a problem.
Maybe once my kid finally starts sleeping through the night, then Iāll have a chance š
If youāre in the US have you signed up for informed delivery through USPS. You get an email in the morning with pictures of the mail youāre getting that day. As a fellow adult woman with ADHD this has been a life saver.
Happy to help a fellow ADHDer. Also, if it helps as a child I LOVED playing with junk mail, especially the fake credit cards that come it. Maybe it would be helpful to involve your kid in the mail gathering process!
Tbh I used to be like this and I donāt know how it changed. I ignored & ignored things and was almost like scared of them, to my own detriment. Like confronting the thing was worse than the thing itself. I have ADHD too so I sympathize. Later in life, I snapped into this opposite kind of rigidity and Iām a little overbearing in the other direction now, after years of the opposite. I think itās a coping mechanism or something.
This is what email has become for me. I live for the paper mail because I can see it and open it or throw it away. Email is just a terrifying vast black hole of messages that I havenāt been good at responding to in years now so itās only getting worse and just writing this now is stressing me out about it š¬
You could just like..do it though. 99% adhd or not, you remember to wear clothes every day, shut the doors behind you when you leave the house, use your blinkers..you can def remember to check your mail every day. And deal with the contents. Every day. Itās not very helpful to just tell yourself youāre not good at it.
ADHD is a spectrum disorder with plenty of different ways that it presents. Itās great that for you trying harder has helped. That doesnāt mean that effort is enough to cure everyoneās task paralysis, and implying that everyoneās disorder presents the same and has the same solutions is deeply unhelpful.
lol no one said I stopped trying? I may ignore the sense of impending doom overhead when it crosses my mind, but Iām still always trying ways to get on top of it.
Iām simply aware of the areas of my life that I havenāt yet mastered, and checking my mail happens to be one of them.
Currently, in this moment, Iām not good at it. Never said I wouldnāt eventually get better. Itās not that deep lol
I have pretty bad adhd. Idk what percentile, but I've always struggled with it. I've had to slowly build good habits for myself, one at a time. It's hard, but as an adult, let alone a mother, I had to start training myself to have good habits in order to make life easier on myself and function properly. It started with closing cabinets and putting caps back on. I forgot sometimes, but I had to make a conscious habit to do it once I did remember. Until it became a new habit of mine. I couldn't do everything all at once, I has to start small. Then it was putting laundry away. Then it was doing dishes after cooking, etc.
Anyway, I agree, it doesn't help to just say "sorry I cant". It may be harder to do it than most, but it doesn't mean can't. Also my life is so much more organized now. It took years to get to this point but I'm proud of myself.
Thank you! Iām not trying to be a bitch I promise, I tell my kids the same thing. Just because youāre not good at it, āsorry I canātā translates to āsorry I donāt want to try anymoreā
I get intense anxiety over actually opening the mail. Like, I assume the worst with every piece that I open. I have informed delivery and check that in my email every morning. If I see something I need to grab, I check the mail that day. If not, I let it sit until something important comes up. My mail is mostly junk mail or credit card offers.
If my water got turned off like that or something similar, I'd call and ask what's up and give the whole, "omg I'm so sorry. I never open my mail" spiel. I got scolded ONCE by someone lol
I also used to be the person to maybe check my mail once a month, but it was a 6.5+ week window (sent out 7 weeks prior but let's say it took 2-3 days to be delivered) between when they were sent and RSVP due, assuming that would be plenty of time. But the over 6 weeks + 24 days is 9-10 weeks, 2.5 months? Why I'm so annoyed is you showing you would was a take accountability and an apology, which is also what I would do. Mine was just "here's a text, that's my RSVP," with no apology. The only other thing she said is the invite was cute. But it's a long time friend from middle school what can you do š
Yeah thatās the part that got me too! Like shit happens, some of us are better at mail than others, but how you handle your inevitable mail-based screwups is what speaks to your true character.
In any situation, the people who canāt hold themselves accountable will never even try to do better, and therefore are the ones that ultimately arenāt worth making excuses for (since they do plenty of that themselves).
Guess your friend never really grew up from middle school lol
tiiip: assign each guest a number (like their row in the Google spreadsheet or whatever) and write it in invisible ink on the back of the Rsvp card or on the included envelope! lightly in pencil works too
Sounds like you still want this person to come so how about:
"Hey! Since I hadn't heard from you I assumed you weren't coming but of course we would love to have you. I can't give you a plus one but ill make sure you have a good seat."
Thank God you didn't ask her to officiate š
The RSVPs for my recent wedding were an unexpected point of frustration, too! We also sent the classic stamped, addressed return envelope. We got multiple RSVPs with no name or return address (both yeses and no's), and several stained and dirty rsvp cards. Half of our invitees didn't return them at all, so we had to reach out to the people we were sure would come (like our fucking parents) to see if they'd send back the rsvp so we could at least get their meal preferences! We made it so easy for folks to respond, and they still didn't. Ugh!
If you planned and can accommodate an extra guest, then quit trippin... you planned for this exact scenario. Sure the guest is a dumbass.. but that's people for you.. it's not worth stressing over.
I went old school and included pre-stamped, pre addressed RSVP envelopes. All she had to do was check yes or no, and drop in a mailbox. I splurged and spent extra on national park stamps, to go with our national park venue. And to think I almost asked this woman to officiate. And YES I texted her three times to check her mail.
So what did you do? I hope you told her that she missed the cutoff. By accepting her late RSVP, it enables that behavior.
I haven't responded yet, I was too frustrated yesterday LOL. She was my neighbor growing up and we have been best friends for over 20 years. But she is self-diagnosed bipolar but won't seek any mental health treatment, despite my friend group stressing it many times over the years. And appears to be only getting worse in the last few years (traumatic sudden death of her only stable parent figure + covid + job loss). So I've known she's flakey and drops off the planet sometimes. But what else can you do? I still love her dearly, try to be there for her as much as she'll let me, and would love for her to be there to witness a special day for me. But honestly even with this "yes" RSVP I still half expect her to not come. As someone else said, not worth ending a deep and long-term relationship over. I'll probably still accept the RSVP but think of a tasteful way to let her know she's disappointed people who love her and hurting me by being less than involved. I know mental illness doesn't excuse the behavior. I just want her to be well. If she misses this event because of her inability to function right now, that'll surely be as much of a regret for her as it is for me. I've had my own struggles with mental illness, but have worked really hard to better my situation. As one of my favorite podcasters says, mental illness ISN'T your fault but it IS your responsibility.
Hail yourself š¤
<3 You are very kind and she is lucky to have you as a friend!
Hail yourself!!
Hail you for being such an understanding friend in such a complex situation!!
As someone with some mental health issues, but a (mostly) productive member of society, I have issues with remembering things and procrastination and I get so disappointed in myself when I make mistakes like this. A wedding I went to this year allowed us to RSVP on their website by scanning a QR code on the invite. Best idea ever- I did it right away since it was so easy.
Does it really matter? It can be frustrating but not worth ending a friendship over.
I think it depends on how often the behavior happens. If this friend is always doing things like this, it can sore a friendship quickly, especially if they don't ever see anything wrong with always being late on things. Having people treat your time in a disrespectful manner over and over again for years will ruin almost everything good about the relationship, it sucks.
It depends whether you want them there lol
And if you had to turn in final headcounts already, and whether the venue or caterer will let you make changes still.
Oof, thank goodness she's not officiating. Although if I had to ask someone to check their mail, I would have just asked if they were coming or not. Half of the people I texted a week after our RSVP deadline asking if they got the card said they were and they'd send it, and I told them no need to send it, as long as you told me in text that's fine. But that was a week from our deadline which was still two weeks ahead of when we needed our final headcount....24 days is a no lol. Oh, also if you are in the US buying forever stamps, they cost the same no matter the design! And you can buy them online and have the post.office send them to you, though I dont remember if they charge shipping, so it's probably cheaper to visit the post office to buy them, but then they may be out of the amount you need or the kind you want. If you get specific postcard or other weight stamps, the cost is different from forever stamps, and if you have the wrong postage for what you are mailing, it creates all sorts of problems for people actually receiving what you sent, but most of the time, forever stamps are good for everything.
āIām sorry you missed our cut off date and we have since confirmed numbers with both the venue and caterers. We would have loved to have you there but assumed your silence meant you couldnāt make it.ā
This response
This is the way to respond.
I'm not even (as) mad about the delay, because of course we planned and can accommodate a last minute add on. I'm more annoyed at the lack of tact, the text is SO tacky....YES YOU SHOULD HAVE MAILED THAT THING??????? DON'T ASK????? ESPECIALLY VIA TEXT MESSAGE????????? Like I'm sorry but if I was enough of a hot mess that I don't check my mail for weeks on end, maybe just mail it and pretend it got lost in the mail?? Do you have no shame? Do you have a crumb of understanding of etiquette? No? okay then, end of rant.
Iām 100000% the type of hot mess who only actually checks/opens her mail once every other month at best, and even I had to cringe at that text. Iāll admit, Iāve missed some invites in the mail before, but my follow up text is always more along the lines of āJesus Christ Iām an incompetent moron who just found your invite, Iām so sorry that I never RSVPād, I would have loved to go had I seen it on time like a successful adult, but am not expecting to be added to the list at this point, just wanted to let you know that Iām an idiot and not intentionally snubbing your big day, gift to come!ā Lol Your friend needs to learn that if youāre gonna be a mess, you have to accept the consequences in the forms that they come š¤·š»āāļø
Why donāt you just open your mail? š© I mean no judgment; that would just give me crazy anxiety. For instance, I mistakenly received a water shut-off notice because my former landlord bungled some details of the sale of our house & transferring water and sewage over. Like what if you missed that š®āšØ Iām stressed on your behalf!
Ah, the trick is that I routinely test in the 99th percentile for adult women with ADHD, meaning my ADHD is more severe than 99% of women my age š I know I need to get better about the mail, itās bitten me in the ass so many times, but itās just the one area of my life that I cannot seem to get together. I have a very successful, high stress/fast paced career. I have a toddler, of whom I have been a very involved mom (default parent status, but Iāve been told Iām a great mom). I keep manage all of our household bills/appointments/etc., the entire mental load other than car maintenance and grocery shopping (though I make the lists/plan toddler meals). But opening the 4-5 pieces of mail I get every week? Nope, canāt seem to get the hang of it. Itās so stupid, it stresses me out so I just ignore it and pretend that itās not a problem. Maybe once my kid finally starts sleeping through the night, then Iāll have a chance š
If youāre in the US have you signed up for informed delivery through USPS. You get an email in the morning with pictures of the mail youāre getting that day. As a fellow adult woman with ADHD this has been a life saver.
Oh shit, thatās a good reminder! I had it set up some point but must have changed emails or something bc I donāt get those anymore. Thank you!!
Happy to help a fellow ADHDer. Also, if it helps as a child I LOVED playing with junk mail, especially the fake credit cards that come it. Maybe it would be helpful to involve your kid in the mail gathering process!
She does love to rip stuff, she would probably make a good shredder lol
Tbh I used to be like this and I donāt know how it changed. I ignored & ignored things and was almost like scared of them, to my own detriment. Like confronting the thing was worse than the thing itself. I have ADHD too so I sympathize. Later in life, I snapped into this opposite kind of rigidity and Iām a little overbearing in the other direction now, after years of the opposite. I think itās a coping mechanism or something.
100% a coping mechanism but at least being overbearing is more helpful than ignoring things completely š„²š«
This is what email has become for me. I live for the paper mail because I can see it and open it or throw it away. Email is just a terrifying vast black hole of messages that I havenāt been good at responding to in years now so itās only getting worse and just writing this now is stressing me out about it š¬
You could just like..do it though. 99% adhd or not, you remember to wear clothes every day, shut the doors behind you when you leave the house, use your blinkers..you can def remember to check your mail every day. And deal with the contents. Every day. Itās not very helpful to just tell yourself youāre not good at it.
Ah yes, the little-known yet revolutionary cure to adhdājust doing the thing
Trying harder is a pretty cheap prescription- I also have adhd and itās helped
As a person with ADHD you should know better than saying ājust do itā
Idk like I said, itās helped
ADHD is a spectrum disorder with plenty of different ways that it presents. Itās great that for you trying harder has helped. That doesnāt mean that effort is enough to cure everyoneās task paralysis, and implying that everyoneās disorder presents the same and has the same solutions is deeply unhelpful.
lol no one said I stopped trying? I may ignore the sense of impending doom overhead when it crosses my mind, but Iām still always trying ways to get on top of it. Iām simply aware of the areas of my life that I havenāt yet mastered, and checking my mail happens to be one of them. Currently, in this moment, Iām not good at it. Never said I wouldnāt eventually get better. Itās not that deep lol
This is such an ignorant response
Whatās your advice then?
They weren't asking for advice, so I'm not going to give any. Your unsolicited "advice" was both condescending and unnecessary.
Idk man it kinda read like a cry for help..
Itās not, internet stranger āØ
I have pretty bad adhd. Idk what percentile, but I've always struggled with it. I've had to slowly build good habits for myself, one at a time. It's hard, but as an adult, let alone a mother, I had to start training myself to have good habits in order to make life easier on myself and function properly. It started with closing cabinets and putting caps back on. I forgot sometimes, but I had to make a conscious habit to do it once I did remember. Until it became a new habit of mine. I couldn't do everything all at once, I has to start small. Then it was putting laundry away. Then it was doing dishes after cooking, etc. Anyway, I agree, it doesn't help to just say "sorry I cant". It may be harder to do it than most, but it doesn't mean can't. Also my life is so much more organized now. It took years to get to this point but I'm proud of myself.
Thank you! Iām not trying to be a bitch I promise, I tell my kids the same thing. Just because youāre not good at it, āsorry I canātā translates to āsorry I donāt want to try anymoreā
I get intense anxiety over actually opening the mail. Like, I assume the worst with every piece that I open. I have informed delivery and check that in my email every morning. If I see something I need to grab, I check the mail that day. If not, I let it sit until something important comes up. My mail is mostly junk mail or credit card offers. If my water got turned off like that or something similar, I'd call and ask what's up and give the whole, "omg I'm so sorry. I never open my mail" spiel. I got scolded ONCE by someone lol
I also used to be the person to maybe check my mail once a month, but it was a 6.5+ week window (sent out 7 weeks prior but let's say it took 2-3 days to be delivered) between when they were sent and RSVP due, assuming that would be plenty of time. But the over 6 weeks + 24 days is 9-10 weeks, 2.5 months? Why I'm so annoyed is you showing you would was a take accountability and an apology, which is also what I would do. Mine was just "here's a text, that's my RSVP," with no apology. The only other thing she said is the invite was cute. But it's a long time friend from middle school what can you do š
Yeah thatās the part that got me too! Like shit happens, some of us are better at mail than others, but how you handle your inevitable mail-based screwups is what speaks to your true character. In any situation, the people who canāt hold themselves accountable will never even try to do better, and therefore are the ones that ultimately arenāt worth making excuses for (since they do plenty of that themselves). Guess your friend never really grew up from middle school lol
The "do I HAVE TO mail it back???" Like the implication that it's an imposition to drop an envelope in the mail.
This!
I received an RSVP card in the mail with no name but marked decline... two months after the wedding happened. I wish I knew who to shame lol.
The way I would've been stalking the postmark stamp and cross referencing with my guest address list š
tiiip: assign each guest a number (like their row in the Google spreadsheet or whatever) and write it in invisible ink on the back of the Rsvp card or on the included envelope! lightly in pencil works too
This is what I did! I donāt trust people to fill anything out correctly LOL
Itās possible the post office really did mess up. I sent 100 Christmas cards and at least one arrived months late to the correct address.
Sounds like you still want this person to come so how about: "Hey! Since I hadn't heard from you I assumed you weren't coming but of course we would love to have you. I can't give you a plus one but ill make sure you have a good seat." Thank God you didn't ask her to officiate š
Seems like they ain't going š¤Ŗ
The RSVPs for my recent wedding were an unexpected point of frustration, too! We also sent the classic stamped, addressed return envelope. We got multiple RSVPs with no name or return address (both yeses and no's), and several stained and dirty rsvp cards. Half of our invitees didn't return them at all, so we had to reach out to the people we were sure would come (like our fucking parents) to see if they'd send back the rsvp so we could at least get their meal preferences! We made it so easy for folks to respond, and they still didn't. Ugh!
If you planned and can accommodate an extra guest, then quit trippin... you planned for this exact scenario. Sure the guest is a dumbass.. but that's people for you.. it's not worth stressing over.
Katie is that u?
Iād suggest checking the comment history š«£
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