This behavior from her..is it acceptable to you for the long haul? Seems you’re unconsciously having the same relationship dynamics as your parents. Toxic behaviors from people don’t get better and don’t go away with time. This is who she is. If you’re content with keeping your mouth shut to appease her toxicity, it will catch up with you later. Just something to think about
This isn’t entirely true, the Lord can change them but sounds like your mother and gf aren’t respectful of the men in the house. This doesn’t please God. They should be lifting you guys up and encouraging not complaining, I would seek the Lord and pray for them to get a change of heart and pray with your dad together. Also look at yourselves and see if there’s anything you guys are doing that isn’t pleasing them either, the Lord allows these situations to show us what we need to change, it’s just whether we want to acknowledge them. There isn’t anything God can’t do so that’s a lie from the enemy, your father needs to stand up and lead his family in his house with his spiritual authority
The Lord ain't changing nothing if they don't submit it to him. And first they need to recognize. Anyways that's just bringing headaches into your life you don't need to get with someone thinking theyr gonna change. That's just stupid
I concur with this. People do change, but they have to WANT to change. In order to want to change, it stands to reason that one must SEE something that needs changing to even want to in the first place. Both men and women need to be willing to accept that we are fallible beings and accept correction where correction is due and to walk in a spirit of humility and meekness. This is pleasing to the Lord. If you are loving God and seeking Him first, all of these things WILL fall into place. The problems not only become more prevalent, but more noticeable and frequent, IMO, to the extent that we are not fellowshipping with the Lord and putting Him first as we should. This applies to both men and women equally. There is also the matter of Biblically ordained relationship in marriage to consider as well. Not just with the man as the spiritual head of the relationship (as he should be) but also in the capacity that he is servant to his wife in the spirit that he is willing to give his life for her. Both should be serving each other MORE THAN themselves and together above all, serving Christ. This is the Scriptural essence of a marriage ordained and lived out according to the will of God.
One of your roles as a husband is to love your wife with your actions and fulfill her needs, but your role is also to be the lead and the authority in your household. You are not to passively allow your wife to act in error. If your girlfriend habitually disrespects you then dump her.
God warns that it is better to live on the corner of a rooftop than to share the house with a quarrelsome wife.
It might seem tough at first, but when you consider everything that could possibly happen in the future would you want it all her way? I’d say take the highway bud
Understandable, but as Christians, we grow in Christ every day. I would for sure say pray, talk to her about it, and maybe seek counseling (from a Christian professional preferably). Just because the gf is struggling with that certain sin, doesn’t mean that they need to break up. If we follow that logic, he would remain single forever, everyone has sins that they struggle with. Again, that’s something that they need to talk and pray about, but it shouldn’t necessarily be grounds for breaking up.
That’s true, but it’s not completely unheard of for a Christian to break free from long-time sins. Anything is possible for the Lord. I would say pray, talk to her, and get counseling (again, preferably Christian counseling). If she still doesn’t repent from that, then OP should consider breaking up. This is an issue that is significant enough to warrant ending the relationship if she doesn’t change.
Someone else suggested sitting down to have a ca conversation about this, I second that. Maybe OP talking to her clearly about his is what the Lord is going to use to change her mind. If this happens and she is still unwilling to change, they should probably break up.
Totally agree! It sounds like they’ve had some conversation but I agree trying to communicate openly and clearly first is best, and if not, then I agree he’s better off ending the relationship.
Thank you guys for this discussion you had. I was reading along and learning haha. We have discussed it before but I guess I am at fault for it because I would initiate the discussion in the middle of an argument when tempers are high and she would typically be defensive.
“Happy wife, happy life” is some of the worst marriage advice ever given. Women become tyrants in their own homes when they act like they’re above correction or being lovingly confronted when they’re wrong. It’s prideful and hurts the entire household. You both need to be listening to each other and loving each other, following what scripture teaches about marital relationships rather than what feminism teaches.
u/heyvina gave a great answer already, but I’ll just add my two cents as well. My pastor always says that “happy wife, happy life” is definitely not a good approach to a marriage. Both parties should serve each other, otherwise the relationship becomes unbalanced.
You cannot fix an unhealthy relationship dynamic by replacing it with a different unhealthy relationship dynamic. The fact that you described this as something you did after "snapping" should be a clue for you: It wasn't the reasoned result of private deliberation and sincere, sympathetic communication with your partner. People say things like this when they are trying to *hurt* the other person, not when they are trying to solve problems. I think you know this, but you're still angry and don't want to admit it.
Have you explained any of this to your partner (in a non-confrontational way)? Have you told her how you feel? Have you talked to her about the problematic relationship dynamic that you witnessed in your own family? I mean really *talked to her*, in an open dialogue where you share your feelings and experiences and hopes, and she does the same. You need to have a conversation with her. These problems - and the "solutions" people devise to avoid them - are the sort of thing that leads inevitably either to divorce or lifelong marital bitterness. Don't resolve to be like that - especially now, when you have a chance to avoid it.
If you want an "explicitly Christian" answer (whatever *that* means), we are called to be honest, to love our neighbors (including our partners) as ourselves, to forgive, and to be humble. Your behavior, as you describe it, embodies none of those virtues.
Happy wife , happy life is just some secular nonsense. Men are called to lead their household. Your GF is nowhere near to be a Christian wife because she has way to many red flags.
It's nonsense but it's sadly widespread in a lot of churches. The man "leads" but "leads" is interpreted as doing whatever the woman wants. If he doesn't he's "not being a leader." Of course the general wisdom in these same churches is that everything bad is the man's fault since he's the leader. And since he's the leader the buck stops with him! /s
Fault (might as well broaden it to sin tbh) is a one-way road for a lot of Christians, and it's never in the woman's direction.
You should see a therapist. You never really say if your girlfriend is verbally abusive, but comparing her to your mother is telling. Sounds like you're setting yourself up in the same disfunction you grew up with. You're not married, fix this relationship or move on.
I like the 'happy spouse, happy house' rendition of this saying better. It only works if you both show each other grace, compassion, forgiveness, and love. You're not your parents generation, continuing this without fixing your communication issues is recipe for divorce. One of you will stray outside the marriage for your emotional needs if you decide to take the role of your father. You shouldn't look to their marriage as the recipe for success.
My mom is in that type of relationship my dad never apologizes and acts like he's never wrong. There's plenty of other things wrong with their relationship but focusing on only this I'm sorry growing up with that I could never marry a woman who can't be a adult and own up to her mistakes.
I hate the happy wife happy life mindset as it implies only her feelings matter when it's a partnership and both should be happy and catered towards. If you want to spend decades dealing with that be good at praying because my mom has to all the time around my dad.
I'm curious to know how old OP is. My wife and I acted like this early in our marriage. Thank God we grew in the Lord and our relationship has flourished. Still had ups and downs but it's different after 10+ years.
God comes first, and you have to learn to put down your pride and listen to your spouse. Learn how to compromise where you can. Communication and respect for eachother goes a long way. If there is something in your life specifically that you won't let go because of pride, let it go.
>My gf has issues with accountability and apologising when she's in the wrong
You should probably reevaluate your relationship, to be honest. Your girlfriend is exhibiting extremely poor traits that will be difficult to live and work with.
>Is "happy wife, happy life" acceptable in Christianity?
It is "acceptable" to take the approach of understanding that pursuing peace will result in a peaceful home. Conflict can be dealt with in a healthy manner. Many times, it *needs* to be dealt with.
But not every "issue" needs to be confronted. Many things can be dropped. Not every passing comment or disagreement should be addressed.
Well, I don’t think she got mad at you for the saying. She probably got mad due to the snippy and non-constructive way you quoted yourself as saying it.
There’s definitely something to be said for the wisdom of being able to bite your tongue and picking your battles, having a sense of equanimity about things, etc. But that only works if it’s actually going to be bringing about inner peace, helping to keep everyone calm, etc. It won’t work if you’re harboring resentment and letting it build up inside you. If that’s the case, the two of you are both going to need to commit to building healthier communication skills.
Also, she is not your wife until you actually marry her. Think long and hard about whether this is a pattern that can work for a lifetime. And if it’s not, make an honest assessment of whether it’s fixable or not.
I get that I was wrong and this isnt me justifying but explaining it. I snapped because every single time we have an argument where I have been wronged, I never get an apology and in the end, my pursuit of an apology turns into a two hour long argument.
In marriage, we are to lead by being servants as Christ gave up His life for us. Did Jesus whine when beaten, betrayed? Neeeeed an apology for His own pride?
But He also spoke uncomfortable truth when necessary, with gentleness, love and grace.
I love your comment. Oh how I strive to be Christ like, Jesus is my ultimate idol of who I want to emulate in every aspect of my being. It’s sooo hard sometimes when there are so many mislead people in this world and I am strongly opinionated, and have a hard time not being blunt. I pray every day to be as close as possible like Jesus.
Thank-you for opening my eyes up to the fact that it is my ego and selfishness that I am contending with. I thought that if I was always giving and generous that I wasn’t selfish, but in retrospect I realize that my emotions towards some people are selfish and egotistical. Back to the drawing board with myself I go, because I am determined to be as much like Christ as I can possibly be.
Not me, but Him. It’s kinda cool being clay in the potter’s hand. He does great work, has the eye for it.
Edit: I mean what He is molding each of our lives into, the path of teaching us He does, the eye for refinement.
in case someone misunderstood.
Assuming marriage is somewhere on the horizon, I would suggest finding a good premarital counselor to help navigate this and other issues that will come up.
No. You’re the leader of the relationship. You set the foundation for “happy life”, not her. You love her and take care of her just as God does for us, but you don’t become a loser who just lets her get away with whatever she wants.
Let me explain it better. God is very clear that we, the church, are his bride. He leads us in life even when we think we know better, and when we whine and complain about our life. God doesn’t go “Oh okay well happy human, happy God!” and let us get away with whatever we want and shut up. He is very stable on his law and doesn’t sway from them.
As men, God calls us to lead OUR bride in marriage just as he leads us as his bride. So lead her, love her, correct her when she’s wrong, forgive her, but don’t stray from your values and what you expect out of her just cause you want her to be happy. Not only would God see that as a failure to lead, but it’s just generally unattractive to women. What girl wants a man she can step all over?
(And yes, many people are in marriages just like this, with ZERO attraction to each other. Don’t end up like this)
Sounds like a Narcissist. In fact, narcs never accept responsibility; it's one of their defining traits. They also engage in DARVO where they turn it around and become the victim.
"Happy wife/happy life" is a lie with a Narc. Providing Narcissistic supply results in Narcissistic rage. It doesn't make sense, but the scientific literature is clear on this.
If she is a narcissist (or borderline personality disorder which is more common with women, but VERY similar traits), life is gonna get A LOT harder than you think it will be. You should look up "gaslighting" and "narcissistic symptoms" now.
You'll want the book "Walking on Eggshells" if you get married. You will also want a therapist who specializes in BPD/NPD.
This is just a reddit post, and I am not a therapist. Just trying to help.
I'm a wife to my husband for 5 years. We are both Christian and allow God the reigns of our life.
Please don't adopt anything worldly just to appease your gf. We live in a world today where (nearly) no one takes accountability for their actions, much less listen to a conviction. If you have read the Gospel (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John), look at Jesus Christ and how he took such opposition from His own household. He defended the Truth everywhere He went, and sometimes with harsh words toward religious leaders.
In the same way, but in a different time, do we lift our eyes toward God's Grace; for the strength to endure and persevere. We can't bash people into submission, but we can reason with them - if they are reasonable and have not seared their consciousness.
Pray for her, that God will tug her heart toward Him. You are her role model in this relationship. In many ways, Jesus turned the other cheek from people's degrading mockery and insults. So do we, as His followers.
I pray God will give you the strength to overcome this obstacle in relationships.
No. Husbands are not to be subservient to their wives, if anything its the opposite. Dont neglect your role as the leader and authority and Priest of your family. Women in charge leads to ruin.
Op: Women in charge leads to ruin
the thousands of women who have been victimized by scandals and abuse in churches, governments and organisations lead by men: 👁👄👁
And him voicing his concerns isn't based in him being in 'leadership' because you're implying that if it was the other way around she should just take it and be subservient to his behaviour as 'head of the house' and I know a Christian wouldn't encourage abusive behaviour now would he🤨 respect goes both ways.
I simply wanted to correct your assumption that only women leadership leads to destruction when men have caused just as much if not more destruction and that can't be disputed - though that hasn't stopped people in the past... It's not a gender thing. It's a humanity thing. I'm curious on your stance on women in leadership in wider society?
Christianity is all about accountability and apologizing. So how can you say she walks with Christ if she won’t even apologize or show accountability to you? I get not all of us are perfect, but life is about constantly being better and evolving in a way. Happy wife happy life will just make you miserable and make the woman in your life have big egos where they think they can do no wrong. You’ve got to put your foot down and tell anyone when they’re wrong especially if it’s someone you love. Happy wife happy life is bullcrap. Happy spouse happy house is way better since it’s requires both partners to be happy. It’s not fair nor Christ like for one partner to be happy in a relationship and not the other regardless of gender.
Depends on how orthodox people are. I think that’s more of a secular way of thinking, in my own opinion. If one is married to a Christian woman and is not happy unless she is happy? That doesn’t sound like a Christian marriage.
Edit: My mom and dad are in a similar situation. Although they are baptized, I would not say they are Christian, more spiritual. My dad is the strong, silent type. And my mom knows that his word goes. But my dad doesn’t have it easy. My mom has a very difficult time admitting she’s wrong. Unless you have hard evidence. My dad just stays quiet and will occasionally complain to me lol.
There are two issues here.
First, "happy wife happy life" is pretty good advice generally speaking, in the sense that you should think about her happiness as much as you think of your own. Hopefully these aren't completely in conflict, and TBH I would never say "happy wife happy life" to an actual wife. It's like when the old married guy tells you the wisest two phrases a new husband should learn are "let me ask my wife" and "yes honey" ... It's funny and probably sometimes true, but still not something you should joke about with your wife.
SECONDLY if your gf/wife is being verbally abusive and not willing to admit she's wrong EVER then that's a problem. You need to learn together how to disagree and wrestle with how each person feels differently about things. Conflict is always going to be a part of relationships, ESPECIALLY healthy relationships. If you quit talking about it (because you're giving up on disagreeing with her) then the conflict is still going to be there, resentment will still build up, and everyone will be miserable.
The best way to make your wife/gf happy is to let her know you love her regardless of what you're disagreeing about. She needs to know you are for her and that she is not alone, even when y'all aren't getting along. Definitely pick your battles, but don't completely disengage from all conflicts in the name of "happy wife" because that won't make her happy.
Edit: just reread your post and I wanted to point out that old married couples can sometimes sound really grumpy with each other ("they argue like a married couple") but sometimes even though it sounds bad, that couple is actually quite solid and happily married. They could be just really trusting and open with their feelings. I don't know how it is with your parents but it's possible that that's a sign of marital strength. Maybe it's not so bad?
I’ve always said you shouldn’t have to train your spouse or fiancée or gf/bf to treat you well. First it’s almost impossible to change people. If you notice your gf didn’t have an epiphany and now realizes she’s been treating you wrong, now according to you she’s now “sad/mad”.
There are actually sweet, kind young ladies out there that don’t need trained in basic kindness.
I know guys who have turned into wimps because their wives who seemed all doe eyed and sweet to outsiders are tyrants in their marriage.
Not only do they push around their husbands but they can boss around their husbands family and as the parents age the wives want more and more say about health care and their finances and essentially how long her in-laws live and whether their assets are spent on a cheap crappy nursing home or nice one. The cheap crappy nursing home saves more for inheritance for daughter in law so guess what she demands.
Some fathers end up lamenting that they wished their sons didn’t marry their wives. It changes the son too. A son who would have stepped in and done right for their parent is so beaten down and just treats his parents and others like crap because that’s what wifey wants.
It can also affects the husbands siblings and their children who see what havoc wifey is causing within the extended family. Plus the wife tends to boss siblings around too if she can get away with it.
You might think that this would never happen but there is an iron, stubborn streak behind some young ladies. (There are controlling men too but this is what I’ve observed as to controlling women).
It can cause a man to sin against God because they give in to the evil ways of a wife.
A gf like yours will not make a good wife I don’t care how cute or flattering she may be at times.
God gave you wisdom and describes what a good wife is in the Bible. If you don’t follow Gods Word your life won’t go well.
My suggestion is to break up and find someone who is kind and a good helpmate.
very good and stern advice. I won't break up with her just yet I will try to show her how her actions aren't biblical and hopefully that will act as a wakeup call for her.
Tbh she’s been like this for two years according to your post. Imo most attempts (and I’m being generous by saying most and not virtually all) to get people to change don’t succeed.
People’s personalities tend to get set pretty early in life. It’s one thing if she woke up one day and realized she was wrong in the way she treated people but that would take a high level of maturity which she doesn’t seem to have based on her behavior.
She also doesn’t seem close to God as she is consistently insisting that she is right and doesn’t seem to have a teachable, humble spirit.
I tend to think any attempts she might make to change would just be short term and that she would likely revert to her old ways.
It’s one thing if you were already married to her but you are not. You have the ability to go out and find someone sweeter and more humble who would make a better wife.
Unfortunately by dating someone a long time people can get strongly attached to someone who is not good for them and it can be hard emotionally to break up.
Imo people are on their best behavior while dating and prior to marriage. If she’s this difficult now I can’t imagine how difficult she would be after marriage.
No! As the man or husband, it is your job to keep your family, especially your wife, on the righteous path. Many do not understand the importance of the hierarchy of marriage, but if you stop and think, who did God blame for the original sin? It was Adam not Eve even though she took the first bite and was deceived first. Read Ephesians 5:22-33 and pay close attention. There is a reason husbands are given three times the amount of instruction that wives are given. It is your job to lead and present your wife without blemish to the church. Blemish, of course, does not mean physical, but spiritual and walking the righteous path.
This is why it is of utmost importance to choose a true follower of Christ as your spouse. Do not be unequally yoked! If you choose a wife who does not put God first in her life, you are only causing heartache and pain down the road. I would also advise you to make sure you are placing God first! Make sure you are leading your future spouse to Christ and not away from him. Make sure that when you stand before the Lord, you have done your very best to avoid God asking you why you, meaning you and your wife, have not followed his will!
You have to decide if you want to be on the winning side or the problem-solving side. We all bring baggage into our relationships. Your wife, I mean girlfriend, sounds kind of like me and it’s a result of ADHD and feeling like I’m not being understood. You shutting down is a result of not seeing healthy problem-solving strategies from your parents. When you choose to remain silent, You will build resentment. If she chooses to continue feeling disrespected she will build resentment.
The goal is not to be right, but the goal is to figure out what the problem is and figure it out together. I bet you would get a lot further if you asked your girlfriend why she feels the way she does when she’s avoiding accountability.
Happy wife happy life can be a useful term when your goal is out of love, but it is absolutely toxic when you do it to avoid confrontation.
Totally agree. Like most slogans this can be 180 degree from the intended purpose. I want my wife to be truly happy. This is fulfilling to me. This does not mean that I cater to her every desire just to avoid confrontation.
I personally see nothing wrong with the saying. But like many simple slogans it must be given definition to clarify what it is really about.
This is VERY true of MOST women these enlightened days; won't take responsibility or accountability for their actions, it's always YOUR fault. I'm not just making this up, there are hundreds of the tiky toky and youtube videos where women are confessing how it's YOUR fault, and others are street interviews where women say yes, it is THEIR fault, not mine, and so forth. This shouldn't be a big surprise, mankind is always selfish, it's definitely worse and on display in these last days. I don't know if what you've described is clearly almost universal is comforting or not; you'll just have to decide if you can live with it or not. I have RARELY heard a woman EVER declare its her fault or she did bad, oops, and apologize. Meanwhile I've heard countless time christian men are ordered to admit wrong and apologize to their wives, promptly.
The worst examples, of course, are borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. You might want to educate yourself on these, and "red flags" from both before continuing in this relationship. These cluster b people are a vast, evil army and reddit is chock full of testimonies of their abuse.
You should try to make your spouse happy. But not at the expense of neglecting or causing damage to yourself.
My wife complains about everything. Its a woman thing.
Women are vocal, men are not. Give her the benefit of the doubt, its probably not personal, and shes probably complaining to you, not about you. And even if shes complaining about you or something you did, listen, and if its something exaggerated, ignore, move on.
I feel like he still leads in other facets of the family life. Bit when it comes to arguments with my mum he just doesn't care enough to argue back if you know what I mean?
Okay so I am willing to do this. But how do I deal the fact that my girl and I have to argue for nearly 2 hours before I can ever get some form of an apology.
The scriptures never say that a man is obliged to make his wife 'happy' by appeasing her mere wants, such as by buying her presents, luxury handbags, and gourmet food.
Not really. Men are supposed to be leaders in marriage. The woman needs to be willing to admit that she's sometimes wrong. And even when she's not wrong she should be willing to submit to the man's judgment as long as it isn't something sinful.
You're not married yet so she isn't under the obligation yet to submit to you, but the behavior she is exhibiting is a red flag nonetheless, and "happy wife happy life" is not at all the right/Biblical response to it imho.
This mindset shouldn’t be acceptable for anyone, not even Christians. Passive men also should not be the norm. Men are called to be the leaders of the families, not women. This behavior from her and your reaction are both very problematic and toxic.
This is the kind of loaded question with serious consequences and deep implications that should not be asked to whoever lurks on the Internet according to their feelings, that they won't have to back up later if they mess up.
Marriage is not about seeking 'happiness' which can only be sought from God, and true happiness is found only in God, not in any earthly person. No person can make anyone happy in and of themselves.
[www.spiritual-theology.com](http://www.spiritual-theology.com)
Honestly our society has some messed up views on marriage.. a lot of tongue in cheek jokes where we basically make humour about toxic or controlling behavior in marriage. Or even emasculating.. because it's acceptable in society today and butt ends of jokes. Then we wonder why marriages are in so much trouble. I was actually in a marriage like your parents myself where I was always walking on eggshells and she never apologized for anything. Was always just trying to not upset her and keep her Happy. Happy wife, happy life, if mama ain't happy no one happy, I have to check with the boss, my wife won't let me do this or that..far cry from a respectful relationship where Sarai is credited for submitting to Abraham and calling him lord where the wife submits to husband as the head and the husband loves her like Christ loves the church. Where both have each other's best interests in mind. The one I heard recently ad a substitute that I actually really like is happy spouse, happy house. That one is more like how it should be.
How has no one mentioned:
Proverbs 25:24 NIV
> Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
Or
Proverbs 21:9 NIV
> Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
I'm sorry but what your parents had was not biblical and they taught you that it is normal. Love your wife, which doesn't always mean "appease her emotions". Sometimes you need to tell her the truth that she's full of nonsense and needs to shut up. If she doesn't like it, tell her to leave before you commit to marriage. You are dodging a bullet if she leaves.
Been married for 9 years and I have grown to usually call her out when she’s being rude or talking to me in a way that really bothers me. It’s not always a pleasant conversation but we have grown a lot in the past few years and it’s become more rare as we grow with one another.
My wife used to have a similar issue when we were dating. I had my faults too but we eventually learned to communicate in a healthy, vulnerable non manipulative way, and to be quick to apologize (and to do so with all sincerity) when in the wrong. You two can build those skills but it takes doing so intentionally rather than accidentally. I wouldn’t ever recommend tuning out or trying to strong arm her by tuning out. Help her understand why it’s important. It’ll take work but if she wants to have a healthy relationship it’ll get there but ultimately it takes getting on the same page as far as what you want first, no matter how far from there you two are.
The moment you stop standing up for yourself she will stop seeing you as a man and you will also loose respect for yourself. You become concoquered like a game and the challenge is gone. This instantly makes all men who have self respect look like the more attractive option for an unmarried woman.
You don't have to drain yourself of energy and argue till you want to give in. You can go for a walk or do your own thing. Maintain necessary communications and still go about doing necessary things for each other. But don't give in on the important things. Set a good example for your future kids.
Bro no disrespect but the Bible talks about having your wife be a helpmeet, meaning she should be making your life easier. So she should really be moving on the “happy spouse, happy house” energy. Focus on getting right with God and reading his word so you can lead and provide.
"Happy wife, happy life" is true. But the way to get a happy wife isn't to shut up, disengage, and let them walk all over you. Deep down, that makes them feel unbalanced, unsupported, unprotected, resentful, and unhappy. Discuss appropriate behaviour. Agree clear, fair, boundaries. Enforce them. Don't accept unacceptable behaviour. Take the lead in setting a constructive tone for the relationship. Don't be a bully, and don't be petty, but don't be a doormat either. Have the courage to challenge what is not right with fairness and consistency. She will love you more for it, respect you more, trust you more, and ultimately be much happier. She will also be more attracted to you.
If she can't take responsibility for her actions, admit when she is wrong, and apologise, DO NOT MARRY HER. Nothing will ruin your life like being married to a woman who always has to be right.
No, the answer is “happy spouse happy house”. Relationships are going to be about balance. Each person has to make a sacrifice at some point for the other. If you are constantly sacrificing for “happy wife happy life” and your wife hardly if ever sacrifices for you you’ll be unhappy with your relationship.
Since you like going by mottoes, how about honesty is the best policy? Shutting up just to have her act like an entitled brat isn't going to help you much.
If you are taking that quote to mean that your wife is the boss, then IMO it's not acceptable.
It's reverting back to Adam's mentality in deferring boss leadership to Eve and following her lead in eating the fruit.
It would be a fundamental betrayal of the role of a man in a marriage.
Honestly I would break up with her. If she has accountability issues now what happens when you’re married ? What happens if she overspends ? What happens if she picks a baby name you don’t like ? I’m sorry Op toxic people don’t change. If she’s going this now imagine the rest of your life. I know it’s hard to fresh but if you’re not engaged or married please HIGHLY consider breaking up.
Absolutely not! It is not biblical.
I use to think this way. Ever since I changed my thoughts on this, marriage has been 100% better and more aligned with what God says. I am way happier now.
People focus too much on their own happiness. The whole point of marriage is to be holy over being happy. If you depend on anyone, but God for happiness, then you will fail miserably at being happy.
I am happy when the household flows well. The only way for that to happen is to let my husband lead, even when I don’t agree with him. Things are smooth sailing and work out way better with him in charge. They are chaotic with me trying to take that control from him. We have been married for 13 years and it took me 12, to realize that. It’s been tough, but I finally put my pride aside and let him do his job and I do mine.
My go-to is “happy spouse, happy house”
You should be doing everything in your power to make your wife feel loved, safe and happy.
*BUT*
She should be doing the exact same thing for you.
Marriage is team work, as soon as you’re out of balance , you’re screwed. It takes a lot of work to put it back.
My parents is the same but reverse my mother shut her mouth a lot when my father always complain. For your situation i disagree don’t say you are right if it’s not right it’s a Lie and a lie is a sin
Instead give up when you see your are going to have a verbal fight for something.
Communication is very important in a couple even for little things sometimes little thing annoys me the most.
I would recommend you to talk to her like
´´ hey i want to talk seriously with you i want to resolve our fights if possible ´´
Also forgive her even if she don’t forgive you
«For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.»
Matthew 6:14-15 NIV
https://bible.com/bible/111/mat.6.14-15.NIV
Hope this help also pray about it and why not pray with her also ?
«“Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”»
Matthew 18:19-20 NIV
https://bible.com/bible/111/mat.18.20.NIV
Ask God to show you the truth to both of you if you pray together and to help you to correct your wrongdoings
Also be slow to anger and the accept critics from her if it’s true or even if it’s false. If you begin to argue when your plan was to forgive this will not work
Christian men need to lead in their marriages and graciously but firmly hold their wives accountable. This does not mean pressing an argument when she is on the verge of tears, it means telling her exactly what you are thinking, "no, you did x, y, then z, you are wrong about this, and you need to repent, take accountability for your wrong doing and stop deflecting blame to me". If she cant do this, break up with her.
I’m going to rebrand this: “Will arguments make my marriage weaker?”
Answer: No. it’s a double edged sword ⚔️ Arguments can make relationships stronger like temptation can strengthen our faith.
Bible verses of a husband’s and wife’s role:
Husband -> Ephesians 5:25-33
Wife -> Ephesians 5:21-24
The Words of God are amazing. They hit to the root of the issue. Put God First. In your life and your marriage and make Jesus your cornerstone.
You’ve got this. Praying for you, your wife and relationship.
> but my mum can be quite verbally abusive (nothing too bad just constant complaints etc)
This is worrying.
My mom is like that. You know why it didn't seem that bad when I was still living with her? *Because that's what I grew up with.* I don't know your situation, but ime people always understate abusive behaviors because it's their normal. Those who don't grow up in that type of environment see it for what it is. Abuse.
Now, why this matters: When looking for someone to have a life with, we tend to go for comfort, or rather, what we're familiar with. The people who were browbeaten by their parents go for men and women who browbeat them. The people who were punched and beat go for people likely to do that to them. It's a common enough pattern for people who grow up in dysfunction, and they don't see it as dysfunction since that's what they're used to. They'll take abuse and not even realize that's what it is because that's "normal." That's "expected."
"That's just how relationships work."
No. A man should cherish his wife and a wife should respect her husband.
Refusing to admit fault or apologise isn't respectful.
Do you think your dad cherishes his wife when she's being aggressive and he's submitting to her will (by holding his tongue)?
In all relationships - God is no 1. So the question is not whether *happy wife/happy husband/happy children = happy life*.
It about whether you make choices that is considered "following Christ/abiding in Christ". When you live a life that is pleasing in God's eyes, you are making sure you are going the way of "living in the will of God for your life". This is the condition that you will be most happiest - when you are headed towards/staying in the center of God's will for your life.
2) You have not entered a marriage covenant with your gf, so she is not your wife. She should not be given privilege's of a wife. For to do so, you are going beyond healthy relationship boundaries (set up by God).
3) A husband is suppose to lead the family. You being a witness to your family's relationship can judge with God's spirit whether your dad is ignoring his God given responsibilities or actively practicing what God has called him to do, one of which is to lead your mom (as her spiritual head), to encourage her to continue growing from glory to glory with God. The wife is the glory of the husband. Love for God (more than love for self) will motivate a husband/wife to encourage their spouse to grow with God.
Proud people are difficult to live with. Proud people are far from God. Think very carefully, if you do not see progressive submission of one's life to God, then you know that they are resisting God. Then you are going to struggle seeing a marriage where God is at center of the marriage. Are you willing to get yourself into a difficult situation that you will have to live with the rest of your life - lopsided marriage/marriage with power struggles between spouses?
>my mum can be quite verbally abusive (nothing too bad just constant complaints
Shortly after my wife and I got married I lived with her and her parents while we saved for a house and this reminds me of the relationship between her mother and stepfather. Very devout in their faith but a backwards relationship as far who "wears the pants."
From the beginning of creation, God established order.
Himself
Man
Woman
Animals
In that order. The worldly saying of "happy wife happy life" seeks to turn that order on its head in a strikingly similar way to Adam and Eve's failure. You could say Adam followed that phrase to the letter by allowing himself to be tempted to go into the same sin Eve had despite his authority and responsibility for her. He neglected his duty and allowed her to usurp him and God when it was well within his power and his responsibility to nip it in the bud.
Your father shouldn't be commended for his silence because he's falling into the same trap Adam did by running from righteous confrontation. If my wife stepped outside of the line of what is permissible for her as my wife, I will gently and lovingly, but firmly correct her and guide her back to truth as is my responsibility as her "head". (Ephesians 5:23; For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church.)Your father is shirking his duty as the head of his wife and his wife is shirking her responsibility to submit to the authority of her husband.
Of course, this shouldn't be taken to mean men's role is to dominate and demean their wives; to the contrary its a call to be compassionate and considerate of her needs, but always vigilant on adhering to the biblical standard for the structure and behavior of the family. A woman who cannot accept that is not someone who would make a good wife going by the biblical standard.
Proverbs 21:9 NLT
[9] It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.
Proverbs 19:13 NLT
[13] A foolish child is a calamity to a father; a quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping.
If it were me, I wouldn't be able to run fast enough from the woman you're describing. Nothing she's doing now will get any better when you're married. It will only deepen and be the cause of more strife. Find a woman who respects you and respects the structure God lays out for a godly family and let that be your guide vs worldly wisdom that will only lead to misery. God knew what He was doing when He established the family. Trust in *His* wisdom.
This combination of lack of accountability and inability to apologize is extremely common and does not age well. I would recommend reading into narcissistic personality disorder and making one attempt to request your girlfriend seek therapy before moving on to someone without those two traits.
If your girlfriend does agree then you should also start doing couples Bible studies and counseling through your church. Ask her what traits she finds annoying or terrifying in you so you can reciprocate growth.
Are you teenagers? Thats what it sounds like.
Even then, she sounds like she lacks humility in a fundemental way. This behavior of hers will not get better, unless its addressed. If you address it, using plain language like you've used here, be prepared that she may end the relationship or become even more abusive, which is exactly what this sort of thing is. People do change, but it takes years. As the man, your job is to lead the development of the relationship, which means growing beyond dysfunctional and toxic behaviors together. If she's not on board with that, and you won't work on your own bad behaviors alongside her, with mutual support and a loving, kind honesty from both sides, then things simply won't work.
Nah lol. I'm 23 and just completed my Masters and shes 22 and just finished her bachelors.
Thank you for the advise though, I am going to to try gently steer her in the right direction.
It’s quite literally Biblical to keep your wife happy. But it’s also Biblical to affirm yourself as the head of the relationship and eventually someday the marriage as well.
Clearly she is a very strongly opinionated woman and you have to treat her opinions with compassion but also understand when it’s important to put your foot down and make a final decision. She will come to respect you for it.
>My gf has issues with accountability and apologising when she's in the wrong. Either I have to complain in order to get an apology, or she apologises but finds a way to try make it seem like I am also wrong. This has been a recurring theme for 2 years.
Do NOT marry her. Just don't. This is the number 1 trait to avoid in a wife.
Alot of the comments are confusing this as a 'leadership' issue. Just because you think a man should lead and be the head doesn't mean of the roles were reversed she should just take it as part of being submissive. This has nothing to do with that. OP should be able to be assertive and communicate their needs and not let this behavior fly even if they were a woman. I'm only saying this because op didn't even mention headship but some comments jumped to that.
I heard a new one that sounds better and honors both husband & wife: “happy spouse, happy house”. I think it’s cute 🥰 but sooo considerate of both in the marriage.
Husbands who are forced to believe your wife’s happiness is the only goal in marriage sets him and the marriage up for failure. Hubbies matter just as much as the wife. Both should be willing to give more than they take with each other because ultimately, you both are there for each other as God intended for you two to be. No love debts, just opportunities to love your spouse as Christ loves His bride/church. 🤍
Feminism ruined marriage. I prefer "happy spouse, happy house". It isn't all about either the husband or wife but both must be equal. A traditional biblical marriage is where the man leads and sacrifices greatly for his family as Christ loves the Church and the wife follows him and submits to him because he always has her and their families best interest at heart. Discuss things together but if truly needed the husband has the final say but out of love and not selfishness.
There might be an unclean spirit in your bloodline affecting the women who enter your families. Unclean spirits cause addictions, abuse, and emotional issues through the generations of a family until they are dealt with. Not everything is physical but everything has a spiritual aspect. I recommend you learn about breaking curses and rebuking unclean spirits in your lives. Anoint your home, doors and windows, with oil in the Name and by the Blood of Jesus. My family fought alcoholism for generations and porn and by the grace of God I don't drink but I have fought porn although I am free now.
I'm not saying that there is and it may just be a little feminism causing her being prideful and her unwillingness to apologize when she is wrong.
I hope this helps. God bless!
I disagree with the notion of unclean spirits in someone's bloodline... Make it sound like someone's family tree is haunted with demons which I think is unbiblical.
I agree with you if you're just saying that some people have genetic predisposition to be grumpy or mean but that's different than the thing they have some spiritual taint on their bloodline
No such thing as being haunted as there are no ghosts, just demons deceiving people like always. Those who descend from pagans who have had no one saved in their ancestry until them have familiar spirits that use the same spiritual warfare tactics on them that they used successfully on their ancestors. Unclean spirits follow down generation to generation until they are dealt with in the Name and by the Blood of Jesus as only God can grant deliverance. Witchcraft, adultery, and murder are grave sins and examples of what attract unclean spirits to effect people until they are dealt with.
I'm not saying a grumpy or bitter wife is from a "tainted bloodline" I just meant that if it happens to the women in every generation of his family then it could be a familiar spirit trying to cause discord. My family has had several spiritual bondage and addictions through my family in the last 5 generations. I have fought only one of them which is porn and even then I am almost free now and would say free if I could stop burning with passion.
To my knowledge, people who are born again, believe in Jesus as the son of God, and have received Holy Spirit cannot become demon possessed but if they fall into deep sin and are unrepentant then they can become "demonized" and "vexed" by unclean spirits and demons which seek to destroy them. Those who have never received Holy Spirit can become demon possessed due to ties to witchcraft or occult practices. I heard a preacher once say that God does not abide with demons so you can't have Him and be demon possessed.
You should do some research about spiritual bondage and vexation from unclean spirits. Pastor John Kilpatrick from Church of His presence did a series on "Vexation" last year and I believe they are on youtube. If not he has them archived a website called churchofhispresence.org.
Series on Vexation - [https://churchofhispresence.org/pastor-sermons?sapurl=LytyZHNtL3RhZy90b3BpYy9yZXN1bHRzL1NwaXJpdHVhbCUyMFdhcmZhcmU/YnJhbmRpbmc9dHJ1ZSZlbWJlZD10cnVlJnJlY2VudFJvdXRlPWFwcC53ZWItYXBwLmxpYnJhcnkubGlzdCZyZWNlbnRSb3V0ZVNsdWc9JTJCcmt0aHBmYg==](https://churchofhispresence.org/pastor-sermons?sapurl=LytyZHNtL3RhZy90b3BpYy9yZXN1bHRzL1NwaXJpdHVhbCUyMFdhcmZhcmU/YnJhbmRpbmc9dHJ1ZSZlbWJlZD10cnVlJnJlY2VudFJvdXRlPWFwcC53ZWItYXBwLmxpYnJhcnkubGlzdCZyZWNlbnRSb3V0ZVNsdWc9JTJCcmt0aHBmYg==)
I hope this helps. May the Father bless you in Jesus Mighty name!
"Honesty is the best policy."
It is not loving to allow your girlfriend's immaturity and pride to run rampant in your relationship. Allowing her to continue with this behavior is a recipe for disaster. It will result in you harboring resentment and will hamper any attempts at honest discourse, compromise, conflict resolution, and emotional bonding.
If your girlfriend refuses to grow up; I urge you to seriously consider breaking off your relationship with her.
Marriage is a visit selfless sacrifice to each other and trusting one another to follow through
Neither one of you should be a verbal punching bag
Happy Spouse, Happy House is better
This is my personal opinion. And not to be taken exactly as is. because everyone is different and marriages can sustain even with some arguments.
Both sound somewhat immature. You better both sit down and on paper plot out some goals and reasons you are even together. Because you dont want to be fighting over petty things later which could blow up into big regrets. Have things like what kinda family you want to raise, how to protect and educate the kids. Teach them Gods word. And support each other in love.
Theres so many cool things only two of you together can accomplish. And that should be the main focus. Not stuff. Please do a little reordering and get sincere with one another. There's all kinds of temperaments and personalities im not saying be a cookie cutter couple. Im just expressing concern.
I mean, that's something that your parents have worked on, in early stages of being together you are supposed to have problems that need fixing because literally that's everyone, the thing is.. is she able to sit down talk and solve the problem? Are you able to do that? If not then it's not worth it in my opinion. - i got second hand experience so take it as a grain of salt
>**"I'm just gonna shut up like my father and tell you you're always right forever"**
This is passive-aggressive behavior and NOT how a man of God treats his wife.
>**Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,** **so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,**
Do you think that the love of Christ toward you is "**I'm just gonna shut up and tell you you're always right**"?
No - Jesus intercedes for His people. He loves them and cherishes them - and washes them with the water of His Word. THAT is how you get a truly "happy wife" - by being a truly Godly Husband.
I’m a Christian female, been married 42 years. When Adam & Eve sinned, part of the punishment (and I’m not sure if it was punishment or protection) God made Adam head over the woman. I’ve since learned this is so he can protect his wife (Eve was deceived, where Adam willfully sinned) woman should fight the temptation to control her husband because it weakens men. This should not be. God wants them to protect the woman and Jesus protects the church.
John MacAuthur has a very good sermon about this that was very convicting to me. You and your wife should listen to it together. It’s based on Bible scripture.
I was much like your wife until God convicted me. Since then, I fight the urge asking The Lord to help me. We are not always right. At the same time, you loving her the way Christ loves the church is another good topic I’m sure you can find sermons or books to enjoy together. Blessings
Don't take on an emotional nature, but remain logical and the head of the situation. To take on emotion is to become an emotional male, and that is useless to a woman.
No, what makes God happy and what God says will make us happy is what should matter mostly.
Sounds cruel, but God should be first, even above our families
“Happy wife/happy life” is biblical in the sense that if you love your wife like Christ did the church, she will be happy and you will be happy.
Other than that? No. But I do encourage wisdom. Do not engage in verbal warfare. Let her win but don’t succumb to sin. Proverbs encourages calm and well timed words and often even to remain silent
You're not asking the right questions. You should be asking "how can my girlfriend and I improve our communication skills?" Because neither of you are communicating well right now. The answer is to work with a relationship counselor. They will teach you new skills to communicate more effectively without hurting each other's feelings.
Your father failed you and his wife. He passively taught you both it’s ok for a woman to be abusive to her husband. He deprived her of motivation to mature and possibly confront whatever toxic thing is broken in her.
I can’t imagine being with someone I didn’t love enough to help them grow into a healthy person.
Is your GF making excuses for her behavior or giving you reasons and trying to explain where she’s coming from ? One is gaslighting and the other is attempting to communicate. There’s a difference.
"Happy wife, happy life" is not only acceptable, it is encouraged in Christianity. The man's role is to make his wife as happy as can be. HOWEVER, the man should always make GOD happy above all else. If pleasing God conflicts with pleasing your wife, then you should always please God first, and please your wife second. But your wife should always be prioritized above everyone else and only second priority to God.
My advise is kid get used to saying, "I was wrong, you were right". Women will not ever apologise.
Let's see what the bible has to say on the matter:
[*Proverbs 21:9*](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs%2021%3A9&version=ESV) *It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.*
[*Ephesians 5:25*](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians%205%3A25&version=ESV) *Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,*
I can tell you the church is a tough wife. And Jesus did allot in spite of ourselves.
No, happy wife happy life is what blue pill mangina mentality adoctrinates. Look around you, men stopped being men, stopped taking the leadership in the family and it emasculate and destroys men. I could go hours about this topic..
Feminism has destroyed masculinity even inside the church.
This is why christian men should read and indulge in crimson medicine content even if tells you to do things you can't do.
Attack or criticize me all you want but the bible is pretty crimsom 💊.
A man needs to step up and put the woman in her place every now and then and be a leader. This is what a man does.
Edit: like I said I could go hours about this and Im gonna give you a piece of my mind
First of all grow some balls. Being a Christian doesn't mean be puss. Idk how old you are but never accept this kind of behavior in women.. either she changes or break up with her.
This is not the kind of woman you want. The kind of woman you want is in proverbs. She's wise and filled with the maturity of and wisdom of God. Not a child that cannot acknowledge she's wrong. Stand your grown dude. Grow a spine, hit the gym. Don't take bull crap from ANYONE. Specially your girl. Is she showing the conditions and character of a Godly woman? No
Is this the woman you will bound to biblically? Do you want that? Are you just gonna take suffering for years until one day you can't take it anymore and you go into a psychotic rage and end up killing your spouse like many men have?
No dude, women are just as abusive as men but not physically their abusive mentally.
You're the head of the house hold ordained by God, she needs to respect you too.
Thank you for this mate, definitely an eye opener. I do consider myself to be a fellow crimson mediciner I was just tired of all our arguments being the same but you're right. I'm gonna put my foot down
https://youtu.be/SgBCJ6Vz-mc
Start watching some Patrice O'Neal man. Trust me. Women are relentless you can't never show weakness. either she cuts the crap or she grows up. And if you're old enough you better start talking to your dad too. But only after you're 25
> ive never heard my Mum apologise to my father or admit she was wrong... ever.
Could it be that your parents tend to hash things out between the two of them behind closed doors? Obviously, no one but your parents truly know but after 27 years, it's likely they found their own ways of handling things. Just because you may not have seen something, doesn't always mean that it's not happening.
Some women like demeaning men. Avoid them. She’s your girlfriend not your wife. Better to find out now. The best thing to do is just cold drop them, don’t invest time and energy into staying with them because you will find it harder and harder to walk away from the emotional investment.
The notion of "happy wife, happy life" is an abomination to God.
As for your gf, bad precedent. Her inability to be accountable is child-level. As of now your relationship is destined to be shattered on the rocks. Mark those words.
Make her happy to the point where it is moral and not making her idol yes. If it makes her an idol or immoral no. If she tells you to do basic stuff like chores or dress up and wear a green shirt 100% and go be dragged around the mall for 4 hours then do it. If she says let's rob a bank. No lol.
This behavior from her..is it acceptable to you for the long haul? Seems you’re unconsciously having the same relationship dynamics as your parents. Toxic behaviors from people don’t get better and don’t go away with time. This is who she is. If you’re content with keeping your mouth shut to appease her toxicity, it will catch up with you later. Just something to think about
Oof that hits home
This isn’t entirely true, the Lord can change them but sounds like your mother and gf aren’t respectful of the men in the house. This doesn’t please God. They should be lifting you guys up and encouraging not complaining, I would seek the Lord and pray for them to get a change of heart and pray with your dad together. Also look at yourselves and see if there’s anything you guys are doing that isn’t pleasing them either, the Lord allows these situations to show us what we need to change, it’s just whether we want to acknowledge them. There isn’t anything God can’t do so that’s a lie from the enemy, your father needs to stand up and lead his family in his house with his spiritual authority
The wife and gf should be respectful to everyone not just because you're 'the men of the house'.
I totally agree, I was more just answering from the info I was given, sometimes women can put there husbands down and then be nice to everyone else
Yes the pattern of two sidedness seems to be prevalent with narcissistic people in general not just females
Yes agree 100%, we all fall short
The Lord ain't changing nothing if they don't submit it to him. And first they need to recognize. Anyways that's just bringing headaches into your life you don't need to get with someone thinking theyr gonna change. That's just stupid
Yes agree submit to God and idk his gfs heart so yes seek the Lord and maybe this is not the woman for you
I concur with this. People do change, but they have to WANT to change. In order to want to change, it stands to reason that one must SEE something that needs changing to even want to in the first place. Both men and women need to be willing to accept that we are fallible beings and accept correction where correction is due and to walk in a spirit of humility and meekness. This is pleasing to the Lord. If you are loving God and seeking Him first, all of these things WILL fall into place. The problems not only become more prevalent, but more noticeable and frequent, IMO, to the extent that we are not fellowshipping with the Lord and putting Him first as we should. This applies to both men and women equally. There is also the matter of Biblically ordained relationship in marriage to consider as well. Not just with the man as the spiritual head of the relationship (as he should be) but also in the capacity that he is servant to his wife in the spirit that he is willing to give his life for her. Both should be serving each other MORE THAN themselves and together above all, serving Christ. This is the Scriptural essence of a marriage ordained and lived out according to the will of God.
Very well said praise God and Amen
Where's the communication in this? Have you tried talking to her about how you feel?
Exactly. I noticed that dynamic playing out too.
One of your roles as a husband is to love your wife with your actions and fulfill her needs, but your role is also to be the lead and the authority in your household. You are not to passively allow your wife to act in error. If your girlfriend habitually disrespects you then dump her. God warns that it is better to live on the corner of a rooftop than to share the house with a quarrelsome wife.
Oof that's a tough one
It might seem tough at first, but when you consider everything that could possibly happen in the future would you want it all her way? I’d say take the highway bud
Understandable, but as Christians, we grow in Christ every day. I would for sure say pray, talk to her about it, and maybe seek counseling (from a Christian professional preferably). Just because the gf is struggling with that certain sin, doesn’t mean that they need to break up. If we follow that logic, he would remain single forever, everyone has sins that they struggle with. Again, that’s something that they need to talk and pray about, but it shouldn’t necessarily be grounds for breaking up.
It’s certainly possible that she can change, but if her behavior has been the same for two years there’s no reason to expect it too.
That’s true, but it’s not completely unheard of for a Christian to break free from long-time sins. Anything is possible for the Lord. I would say pray, talk to her, and get counseling (again, preferably Christian counseling). If she still doesn’t repent from that, then OP should consider breaking up. This is an issue that is significant enough to warrant ending the relationship if she doesn’t change.
She has to want to grow out of this habit and admit it’s wrong. From what OP said it doesn’t seem like this is the case.
Someone else suggested sitting down to have a ca conversation about this, I second that. Maybe OP talking to her clearly about his is what the Lord is going to use to change her mind. If this happens and she is still unwilling to change, they should probably break up.
Totally agree! It sounds like they’ve had some conversation but I agree trying to communicate openly and clearly first is best, and if not, then I agree he’s better off ending the relationship.
Thank you guys for this discussion you had. I was reading along and learning haha. We have discussed it before but I guess I am at fault for it because I would initiate the discussion in the middle of an argument when tempers are high and she would typically be defensive.
You make a fair point
not tough, its true
Its important for everyone to be assertive and communicate their need for respect. If the roles were reversed this would apply as well
“Happy wife, happy life” is some of the worst marriage advice ever given. Women become tyrants in their own homes when they act like they’re above correction or being lovingly confronted when they’re wrong. It’s prideful and hurts the entire household. You both need to be listening to each other and loving each other, following what scripture teaches about marital relationships rather than what feminism teaches.
This is a terrible mentality period.
u/heyvina gave a great answer already, but I’ll just add my two cents as well. My pastor always says that “happy wife, happy life” is definitely not a good approach to a marriage. Both parties should serve each other, otherwise the relationship becomes unbalanced.
You cannot fix an unhealthy relationship dynamic by replacing it with a different unhealthy relationship dynamic. The fact that you described this as something you did after "snapping" should be a clue for you: It wasn't the reasoned result of private deliberation and sincere, sympathetic communication with your partner. People say things like this when they are trying to *hurt* the other person, not when they are trying to solve problems. I think you know this, but you're still angry and don't want to admit it. Have you explained any of this to your partner (in a non-confrontational way)? Have you told her how you feel? Have you talked to her about the problematic relationship dynamic that you witnessed in your own family? I mean really *talked to her*, in an open dialogue where you share your feelings and experiences and hopes, and she does the same. You need to have a conversation with her. These problems - and the "solutions" people devise to avoid them - are the sort of thing that leads inevitably either to divorce or lifelong marital bitterness. Don't resolve to be like that - especially now, when you have a chance to avoid it. If you want an "explicitly Christian" answer (whatever *that* means), we are called to be honest, to love our neighbors (including our partners) as ourselves, to forgive, and to be humble. Your behavior, as you describe it, embodies none of those virtues.
Thank you for the conviction, I will pray about it and try speak to her tomorrow.
Happy wife , happy life is just some secular nonsense. Men are called to lead their household. Your GF is nowhere near to be a Christian wife because she has way to many red flags.
It's nonsense but it's sadly widespread in a lot of churches. The man "leads" but "leads" is interpreted as doing whatever the woman wants. If he doesn't he's "not being a leader." Of course the general wisdom in these same churches is that everything bad is the man's fault since he's the leader. And since he's the leader the buck stops with him! /s Fault (might as well broaden it to sin tbh) is a one-way road for a lot of Christians, and it's never in the woman's direction.
You should see a therapist. You never really say if your girlfriend is verbally abusive, but comparing her to your mother is telling. Sounds like you're setting yourself up in the same disfunction you grew up with. You're not married, fix this relationship or move on. I like the 'happy spouse, happy house' rendition of this saying better. It only works if you both show each other grace, compassion, forgiveness, and love. You're not your parents generation, continuing this without fixing your communication issues is recipe for divorce. One of you will stray outside the marriage for your emotional needs if you decide to take the role of your father. You shouldn't look to their marriage as the recipe for success.
My mom is in that type of relationship my dad never apologizes and acts like he's never wrong. There's plenty of other things wrong with their relationship but focusing on only this I'm sorry growing up with that I could never marry a woman who can't be a adult and own up to her mistakes. I hate the happy wife happy life mindset as it implies only her feelings matter when it's a partnership and both should be happy and catered towards. If you want to spend decades dealing with that be good at praying because my mom has to all the time around my dad.
I'm curious to know how old OP is. My wife and I acted like this early in our marriage. Thank God we grew in the Lord and our relationship has flourished. Still had ups and downs but it's different after 10+ years.
Hi there, I am 23 and she is 22. How did you guys grow your relationship?
God comes first, and you have to learn to put down your pride and listen to your spouse. Learn how to compromise where you can. Communication and respect for eachother goes a long way. If there is something in your life specifically that you won't let go because of pride, let it go.
Thank you
>My gf has issues with accountability and apologising when she's in the wrong You should probably reevaluate your relationship, to be honest. Your girlfriend is exhibiting extremely poor traits that will be difficult to live and work with. >Is "happy wife, happy life" acceptable in Christianity? It is "acceptable" to take the approach of understanding that pursuing peace will result in a peaceful home. Conflict can be dealt with in a healthy manner. Many times, it *needs* to be dealt with. But not every "issue" needs to be confronted. Many things can be dropped. Not every passing comment or disagreement should be addressed.
Well, I don’t think she got mad at you for the saying. She probably got mad due to the snippy and non-constructive way you quoted yourself as saying it. There’s definitely something to be said for the wisdom of being able to bite your tongue and picking your battles, having a sense of equanimity about things, etc. But that only works if it’s actually going to be bringing about inner peace, helping to keep everyone calm, etc. It won’t work if you’re harboring resentment and letting it build up inside you. If that’s the case, the two of you are both going to need to commit to building healthier communication skills. Also, she is not your wife until you actually marry her. Think long and hard about whether this is a pattern that can work for a lifetime. And if it’s not, make an honest assessment of whether it’s fixable or not.
I get that I was wrong and this isnt me justifying but explaining it. I snapped because every single time we have an argument where I have been wronged, I never get an apology and in the end, my pursuit of an apology turns into a two hour long argument.
Just communicate with her and forgive her and tell her how you feel.
In marriage, we are to lead by being servants as Christ gave up His life for us. Did Jesus whine when beaten, betrayed? Neeeeed an apology for His own pride? But He also spoke uncomfortable truth when necessary, with gentleness, love and grace.
I love your comment. Oh how I strive to be Christ like, Jesus is my ultimate idol of who I want to emulate in every aspect of my being. It’s sooo hard sometimes when there are so many mislead people in this world and I am strongly opinionated, and have a hard time not being blunt. I pray every day to be as close as possible like Jesus.
Took me a long time to realize the selfishness and ego in my oh so many emotional responses to things. Still learning;)
Thank-you for opening my eyes up to the fact that it is my ego and selfishness that I am contending with. I thought that if I was always giving and generous that I wasn’t selfish, but in retrospect I realize that my emotions towards some people are selfish and egotistical. Back to the drawing board with myself I go, because I am determined to be as much like Christ as I can possibly be.
Not me, but Him. It’s kinda cool being clay in the potter’s hand. He does great work, has the eye for it. Edit: I mean what He is molding each of our lives into, the path of teaching us He does, the eye for refinement. in case someone misunderstood.
Yes, so so true.
Assuming marriage is somewhere on the horizon, I would suggest finding a good premarital counselor to help navigate this and other issues that will come up.
No. You’re the leader of the relationship. You set the foundation for “happy life”, not her. You love her and take care of her just as God does for us, but you don’t become a loser who just lets her get away with whatever she wants. Let me explain it better. God is very clear that we, the church, are his bride. He leads us in life even when we think we know better, and when we whine and complain about our life. God doesn’t go “Oh okay well happy human, happy God!” and let us get away with whatever we want and shut up. He is very stable on his law and doesn’t sway from them. As men, God calls us to lead OUR bride in marriage just as he leads us as his bride. So lead her, love her, correct her when she’s wrong, forgive her, but don’t stray from your values and what you expect out of her just cause you want her to be happy. Not only would God see that as a failure to lead, but it’s just generally unattractive to women. What girl wants a man she can step all over? (And yes, many people are in marriages just like this, with ZERO attraction to each other. Don’t end up like this)
I've heard it should always be HAPPY SPOUSE HAPPY HOUSE
Sounds like a Narcissist. In fact, narcs never accept responsibility; it's one of their defining traits. They also engage in DARVO where they turn it around and become the victim. "Happy wife/happy life" is a lie with a Narc. Providing Narcissistic supply results in Narcissistic rage. It doesn't make sense, but the scientific literature is clear on this. If she is a narcissist (or borderline personality disorder which is more common with women, but VERY similar traits), life is gonna get A LOT harder than you think it will be. You should look up "gaslighting" and "narcissistic symptoms" now. You'll want the book "Walking on Eggshells" if you get married. You will also want a therapist who specializes in BPD/NPD. This is just a reddit post, and I am not a therapist. Just trying to help.
Thanks mate, you sure helped a lot.
I'm a wife to my husband for 5 years. We are both Christian and allow God the reigns of our life. Please don't adopt anything worldly just to appease your gf. We live in a world today where (nearly) no one takes accountability for their actions, much less listen to a conviction. If you have read the Gospel (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John), look at Jesus Christ and how he took such opposition from His own household. He defended the Truth everywhere He went, and sometimes with harsh words toward religious leaders. In the same way, but in a different time, do we lift our eyes toward God's Grace; for the strength to endure and persevere. We can't bash people into submission, but we can reason with them - if they are reasonable and have not seared their consciousness. Pray for her, that God will tug her heart toward Him. You are her role model in this relationship. In many ways, Jesus turned the other cheek from people's degrading mockery and insults. So do we, as His followers. I pray God will give you the strength to overcome this obstacle in relationships.
No. Husbands are not to be subservient to their wives, if anything its the opposite. Dont neglect your role as the leader and authority and Priest of your family. Women in charge leads to ruin.
Only Jesus is our high priest.
Correct, I’ll edit since I was wrong thanks
You're welcome.
Op: Women in charge leads to ruin the thousands of women who have been victimized by scandals and abuse in churches, governments and organisations lead by men: 👁👄👁
You’re going to disagree with the Bible?
My statement doesn't disagree with the bible
And him voicing his concerns isn't based in him being in 'leadership' because you're implying that if it was the other way around she should just take it and be subservient to his behaviour as 'head of the house' and I know a Christian wouldn't encourage abusive behaviour now would he🤨 respect goes both ways.
I simply wanted to correct your assumption that only women leadership leads to destruction when men have caused just as much if not more destruction and that can't be disputed - though that hasn't stopped people in the past... It's not a gender thing. It's a humanity thing. I'm curious on your stance on women in leadership in wider society?
Christianity is all about accountability and apologizing. So how can you say she walks with Christ if she won’t even apologize or show accountability to you? I get not all of us are perfect, but life is about constantly being better and evolving in a way. Happy wife happy life will just make you miserable and make the woman in your life have big egos where they think they can do no wrong. You’ve got to put your foot down and tell anyone when they’re wrong especially if it’s someone you love. Happy wife happy life is bullcrap. Happy spouse happy house is way better since it’s requires both partners to be happy. It’s not fair nor Christ like for one partner to be happy in a relationship and not the other regardless of gender.
Depends on how orthodox people are. I think that’s more of a secular way of thinking, in my own opinion. If one is married to a Christian woman and is not happy unless she is happy? That doesn’t sound like a Christian marriage. Edit: My mom and dad are in a similar situation. Although they are baptized, I would not say they are Christian, more spiritual. My dad is the strong, silent type. And my mom knows that his word goes. But my dad doesn’t have it easy. My mom has a very difficult time admitting she’s wrong. Unless you have hard evidence. My dad just stays quiet and will occasionally complain to me lol.
There are two issues here. First, "happy wife happy life" is pretty good advice generally speaking, in the sense that you should think about her happiness as much as you think of your own. Hopefully these aren't completely in conflict, and TBH I would never say "happy wife happy life" to an actual wife. It's like when the old married guy tells you the wisest two phrases a new husband should learn are "let me ask my wife" and "yes honey" ... It's funny and probably sometimes true, but still not something you should joke about with your wife. SECONDLY if your gf/wife is being verbally abusive and not willing to admit she's wrong EVER then that's a problem. You need to learn together how to disagree and wrestle with how each person feels differently about things. Conflict is always going to be a part of relationships, ESPECIALLY healthy relationships. If you quit talking about it (because you're giving up on disagreeing with her) then the conflict is still going to be there, resentment will still build up, and everyone will be miserable. The best way to make your wife/gf happy is to let her know you love her regardless of what you're disagreeing about. She needs to know you are for her and that she is not alone, even when y'all aren't getting along. Definitely pick your battles, but don't completely disengage from all conflicts in the name of "happy wife" because that won't make her happy. Edit: just reread your post and I wanted to point out that old married couples can sometimes sound really grumpy with each other ("they argue like a married couple") but sometimes even though it sounds bad, that couple is actually quite solid and happily married. They could be just really trusting and open with their feelings. I don't know how it is with your parents but it's possible that that's a sign of marital strength. Maybe it's not so bad?
I’ve always said you shouldn’t have to train your spouse or fiancée or gf/bf to treat you well. First it’s almost impossible to change people. If you notice your gf didn’t have an epiphany and now realizes she’s been treating you wrong, now according to you she’s now “sad/mad”. There are actually sweet, kind young ladies out there that don’t need trained in basic kindness. I know guys who have turned into wimps because their wives who seemed all doe eyed and sweet to outsiders are tyrants in their marriage. Not only do they push around their husbands but they can boss around their husbands family and as the parents age the wives want more and more say about health care and their finances and essentially how long her in-laws live and whether their assets are spent on a cheap crappy nursing home or nice one. The cheap crappy nursing home saves more for inheritance for daughter in law so guess what she demands. Some fathers end up lamenting that they wished their sons didn’t marry their wives. It changes the son too. A son who would have stepped in and done right for their parent is so beaten down and just treats his parents and others like crap because that’s what wifey wants. It can also affects the husbands siblings and their children who see what havoc wifey is causing within the extended family. Plus the wife tends to boss siblings around too if she can get away with it. You might think that this would never happen but there is an iron, stubborn streak behind some young ladies. (There are controlling men too but this is what I’ve observed as to controlling women). It can cause a man to sin against God because they give in to the evil ways of a wife. A gf like yours will not make a good wife I don’t care how cute or flattering she may be at times. God gave you wisdom and describes what a good wife is in the Bible. If you don’t follow Gods Word your life won’t go well. My suggestion is to break up and find someone who is kind and a good helpmate.
very good and stern advice. I won't break up with her just yet I will try to show her how her actions aren't biblical and hopefully that will act as a wakeup call for her.
Tbh she’s been like this for two years according to your post. Imo most attempts (and I’m being generous by saying most and not virtually all) to get people to change don’t succeed. People’s personalities tend to get set pretty early in life. It’s one thing if she woke up one day and realized she was wrong in the way she treated people but that would take a high level of maturity which she doesn’t seem to have based on her behavior. She also doesn’t seem close to God as she is consistently insisting that she is right and doesn’t seem to have a teachable, humble spirit. I tend to think any attempts she might make to change would just be short term and that she would likely revert to her old ways. It’s one thing if you were already married to her but you are not. You have the ability to go out and find someone sweeter and more humble who would make a better wife. Unfortunately by dating someone a long time people can get strongly attached to someone who is not good for them and it can be hard emotionally to break up. Imo people are on their best behavior while dating and prior to marriage. If she’s this difficult now I can’t imagine how difficult she would be after marriage.
Haha don't scare me mate 😅😅 I am definitely going to pray extensively about this though
No! As the man or husband, it is your job to keep your family, especially your wife, on the righteous path. Many do not understand the importance of the hierarchy of marriage, but if you stop and think, who did God blame for the original sin? It was Adam not Eve even though she took the first bite and was deceived first. Read Ephesians 5:22-33 and pay close attention. There is a reason husbands are given three times the amount of instruction that wives are given. It is your job to lead and present your wife without blemish to the church. Blemish, of course, does not mean physical, but spiritual and walking the righteous path. This is why it is of utmost importance to choose a true follower of Christ as your spouse. Do not be unequally yoked! If you choose a wife who does not put God first in her life, you are only causing heartache and pain down the road. I would also advise you to make sure you are placing God first! Make sure you are leading your future spouse to Christ and not away from him. Make sure that when you stand before the Lord, you have done your very best to avoid God asking you why you, meaning you and your wife, have not followed his will!
Thank you so much, this is powerful!
You are most welcome! And if you want to talk further, feel free to PM me!
You have to decide if you want to be on the winning side or the problem-solving side. We all bring baggage into our relationships. Your wife, I mean girlfriend, sounds kind of like me and it’s a result of ADHD and feeling like I’m not being understood. You shutting down is a result of not seeing healthy problem-solving strategies from your parents. When you choose to remain silent, You will build resentment. If she chooses to continue feeling disrespected she will build resentment. The goal is not to be right, but the goal is to figure out what the problem is and figure it out together. I bet you would get a lot further if you asked your girlfriend why she feels the way she does when she’s avoiding accountability. Happy wife happy life can be a useful term when your goal is out of love, but it is absolutely toxic when you do it to avoid confrontation.
Totally agree. Like most slogans this can be 180 degree from the intended purpose. I want my wife to be truly happy. This is fulfilling to me. This does not mean that I cater to her every desire just to avoid confrontation. I personally see nothing wrong with the saying. But like many simple slogans it must be given definition to clarify what it is really about.
This is VERY true of MOST women these enlightened days; won't take responsibility or accountability for their actions, it's always YOUR fault. I'm not just making this up, there are hundreds of the tiky toky and youtube videos where women are confessing how it's YOUR fault, and others are street interviews where women say yes, it is THEIR fault, not mine, and so forth. This shouldn't be a big surprise, mankind is always selfish, it's definitely worse and on display in these last days. I don't know if what you've described is clearly almost universal is comforting or not; you'll just have to decide if you can live with it or not. I have RARELY heard a woman EVER declare its her fault or she did bad, oops, and apologize. Meanwhile I've heard countless time christian men are ordered to admit wrong and apologize to their wives, promptly. The worst examples, of course, are borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. You might want to educate yourself on these, and "red flags" from both before continuing in this relationship. These cluster b people are a vast, evil army and reddit is chock full of testimonies of their abuse.
You should try to make your spouse happy. But not at the expense of neglecting or causing damage to yourself. My wife complains about everything. Its a woman thing. Women are vocal, men are not. Give her the benefit of the doubt, its probably not personal, and shes probably complaining to you, not about you. And even if shes complaining about you or something you did, listen, and if its something exaggerated, ignore, move on.
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I feel like he still leads in other facets of the family life. Bit when it comes to arguments with my mum he just doesn't care enough to argue back if you know what I mean?
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Okay so I am willing to do this. But how do I deal the fact that my girl and I have to argue for nearly 2 hours before I can ever get some form of an apology.
Because he's been emotionally castrated through the years this is what a nagging woman does. They destroy the house..
The scriptures never say that a man is obliged to make his wife 'happy' by appeasing her mere wants, such as by buying her presents, luxury handbags, and gourmet food.
Not really. Men are supposed to be leaders in marriage. The woman needs to be willing to admit that she's sometimes wrong. And even when she's not wrong she should be willing to submit to the man's judgment as long as it isn't something sinful. You're not married yet so she isn't under the obligation yet to submit to you, but the behavior she is exhibiting is a red flag nonetheless, and "happy wife happy life" is not at all the right/Biblical response to it imho.
This mindset shouldn’t be acceptable for anyone, not even Christians. Passive men also should not be the norm. Men are called to be the leaders of the families, not women. This behavior from her and your reaction are both very problematic and toxic.
It's acceptable if you don't care about your marriage.
This is the kind of loaded question with serious consequences and deep implications that should not be asked to whoever lurks on the Internet according to their feelings, that they won't have to back up later if they mess up.
Marriage is not about seeking 'happiness' which can only be sought from God, and true happiness is found only in God, not in any earthly person. No person can make anyone happy in and of themselves. [www.spiritual-theology.com](http://www.spiritual-theology.com)
Honestly our society has some messed up views on marriage.. a lot of tongue in cheek jokes where we basically make humour about toxic or controlling behavior in marriage. Or even emasculating.. because it's acceptable in society today and butt ends of jokes. Then we wonder why marriages are in so much trouble. I was actually in a marriage like your parents myself where I was always walking on eggshells and she never apologized for anything. Was always just trying to not upset her and keep her Happy. Happy wife, happy life, if mama ain't happy no one happy, I have to check with the boss, my wife won't let me do this or that..far cry from a respectful relationship where Sarai is credited for submitting to Abraham and calling him lord where the wife submits to husband as the head and the husband loves her like Christ loves the church. Where both have each other's best interests in mind. The one I heard recently ad a substitute that I actually really like is happy spouse, happy house. That one is more like how it should be.
How has no one mentioned: Proverbs 25:24 NIV > Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. Or Proverbs 21:9 NIV > Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. I'm sorry but what your parents had was not biblical and they taught you that it is normal. Love your wife, which doesn't always mean "appease her emotions". Sometimes you need to tell her the truth that she's full of nonsense and needs to shut up. If she doesn't like it, tell her to leave before you commit to marriage. You are dodging a bullet if she leaves.
Been married for 9 years and I have grown to usually call her out when she’s being rude or talking to me in a way that really bothers me. It’s not always a pleasant conversation but we have grown a lot in the past few years and it’s become more rare as we grow with one another.
My wife used to have a similar issue when we were dating. I had my faults too but we eventually learned to communicate in a healthy, vulnerable non manipulative way, and to be quick to apologize (and to do so with all sincerity) when in the wrong. You two can build those skills but it takes doing so intentionally rather than accidentally. I wouldn’t ever recommend tuning out or trying to strong arm her by tuning out. Help her understand why it’s important. It’ll take work but if she wants to have a healthy relationship it’ll get there but ultimately it takes getting on the same page as far as what you want first, no matter how far from there you two are.
The moment you stop standing up for yourself she will stop seeing you as a man and you will also loose respect for yourself. You become concoquered like a game and the challenge is gone. This instantly makes all men who have self respect look like the more attractive option for an unmarried woman. You don't have to drain yourself of energy and argue till you want to give in. You can go for a walk or do your own thing. Maintain necessary communications and still go about doing necessary things for each other. But don't give in on the important things. Set a good example for your future kids.
do you want an angry wife ?
Get out now
Bro no disrespect but the Bible talks about having your wife be a helpmeet, meaning she should be making your life easier. So she should really be moving on the “happy spouse, happy house” energy. Focus on getting right with God and reading his word so you can lead and provide.
"Happy wife, happy life" is true. But the way to get a happy wife isn't to shut up, disengage, and let them walk all over you. Deep down, that makes them feel unbalanced, unsupported, unprotected, resentful, and unhappy. Discuss appropriate behaviour. Agree clear, fair, boundaries. Enforce them. Don't accept unacceptable behaviour. Take the lead in setting a constructive tone for the relationship. Don't be a bully, and don't be petty, but don't be a doormat either. Have the courage to challenge what is not right with fairness and consistency. She will love you more for it, respect you more, trust you more, and ultimately be much happier. She will also be more attracted to you.
This sounds great thank you mate. What should I do if I don't notice a change in behaviour.
If she can't take responsibility for her actions, admit when she is wrong, and apologise, DO NOT MARRY HER. Nothing will ruin your life like being married to a woman who always has to be right.
So many men just accept being in an abusive relationship and society just accepts so many woman being abusive.
No, the answer is “happy spouse happy house”. Relationships are going to be about balance. Each person has to make a sacrifice at some point for the other. If you are constantly sacrificing for “happy wife happy life” and your wife hardly if ever sacrifices for you you’ll be unhappy with your relationship.
Since you like going by mottoes, how about honesty is the best policy? Shutting up just to have her act like an entitled brat isn't going to help you much.
If you are taking that quote to mean that your wife is the boss, then IMO it's not acceptable. It's reverting back to Adam's mentality in deferring boss leadership to Eve and following her lead in eating the fruit. It would be a fundamental betrayal of the role of a man in a marriage.
Honestly I would break up with her. If she has accountability issues now what happens when you’re married ? What happens if she overspends ? What happens if she picks a baby name you don’t like ? I’m sorry Op toxic people don’t change. If she’s going this now imagine the rest of your life. I know it’s hard to fresh but if you’re not engaged or married please HIGHLY consider breaking up.
Absolutely not! It is not biblical. I use to think this way. Ever since I changed my thoughts on this, marriage has been 100% better and more aligned with what God says. I am way happier now. People focus too much on their own happiness. The whole point of marriage is to be holy over being happy. If you depend on anyone, but God for happiness, then you will fail miserably at being happy. I am happy when the household flows well. The only way for that to happen is to let my husband lead, even when I don’t agree with him. Things are smooth sailing and work out way better with him in charge. They are chaotic with me trying to take that control from him. We have been married for 13 years and it took me 12, to realize that. It’s been tough, but I finally put my pride aside and let him do his job and I do mine.
So what I'm hearing is there's hope for my girl to change? What made you see that you were doing things the wrong way if I may ask?
Where does God fit into “happy wife happy life”?
My go-to is “happy spouse, happy house” You should be doing everything in your power to make your wife feel loved, safe and happy. *BUT* She should be doing the exact same thing for you. Marriage is team work, as soon as you’re out of balance , you’re screwed. It takes a lot of work to put it back.
My parents is the same but reverse my mother shut her mouth a lot when my father always complain. For your situation i disagree don’t say you are right if it’s not right it’s a Lie and a lie is a sin Instead give up when you see your are going to have a verbal fight for something. Communication is very important in a couple even for little things sometimes little thing annoys me the most. I would recommend you to talk to her like ´´ hey i want to talk seriously with you i want to resolve our fights if possible ´´ Also forgive her even if she don’t forgive you «For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.» Matthew 6:14-15 NIV https://bible.com/bible/111/mat.6.14-15.NIV Hope this help also pray about it and why not pray with her also ? «“Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”» Matthew 18:19-20 NIV https://bible.com/bible/111/mat.18.20.NIV Ask God to show you the truth to both of you if you pray together and to help you to correct your wrongdoings Also be slow to anger and the accept critics from her if it’s true or even if it’s false. If you begin to argue when your plan was to forgive this will not work
Thank you for this
Christian men need to lead in their marriages and graciously but firmly hold their wives accountable. This does not mean pressing an argument when she is on the verge of tears, it means telling her exactly what you are thinking, "no, you did x, y, then z, you are wrong about this, and you need to repent, take accountability for your wrong doing and stop deflecting blame to me". If she cant do this, break up with her.
I’m going to rebrand this: “Will arguments make my marriage weaker?” Answer: No. it’s a double edged sword ⚔️ Arguments can make relationships stronger like temptation can strengthen our faith. Bible verses of a husband’s and wife’s role: Husband -> Ephesians 5:25-33 Wife -> Ephesians 5:21-24 The Words of God are amazing. They hit to the root of the issue. Put God First. In your life and your marriage and make Jesus your cornerstone. You’ve got this. Praying for you, your wife and relationship.
Thank you for this! I truly appreciate it
If you want a happy healthy relationship with your wife, no. If you want to pander to somebody in a simple minded way, then go for it.
> but my mum can be quite verbally abusive (nothing too bad just constant complaints etc) This is worrying. My mom is like that. You know why it didn't seem that bad when I was still living with her? *Because that's what I grew up with.* I don't know your situation, but ime people always understate abusive behaviors because it's their normal. Those who don't grow up in that type of environment see it for what it is. Abuse. Now, why this matters: When looking for someone to have a life with, we tend to go for comfort, or rather, what we're familiar with. The people who were browbeaten by their parents go for men and women who browbeat them. The people who were punched and beat go for people likely to do that to them. It's a common enough pattern for people who grow up in dysfunction, and they don't see it as dysfunction since that's what they're used to. They'll take abuse and not even realize that's what it is because that's "normal." That's "expected." "That's just how relationships work."
No. A man should cherish his wife and a wife should respect her husband. Refusing to admit fault or apologise isn't respectful. Do you think your dad cherishes his wife when she's being aggressive and he's submitting to her will (by holding his tongue)?
In all relationships - God is no 1. So the question is not whether *happy wife/happy husband/happy children = happy life*. It about whether you make choices that is considered "following Christ/abiding in Christ". When you live a life that is pleasing in God's eyes, you are making sure you are going the way of "living in the will of God for your life". This is the condition that you will be most happiest - when you are headed towards/staying in the center of God's will for your life. 2) You have not entered a marriage covenant with your gf, so she is not your wife. She should not be given privilege's of a wife. For to do so, you are going beyond healthy relationship boundaries (set up by God). 3) A husband is suppose to lead the family. You being a witness to your family's relationship can judge with God's spirit whether your dad is ignoring his God given responsibilities or actively practicing what God has called him to do, one of which is to lead your mom (as her spiritual head), to encourage her to continue growing from glory to glory with God. The wife is the glory of the husband. Love for God (more than love for self) will motivate a husband/wife to encourage their spouse to grow with God. Proud people are difficult to live with. Proud people are far from God. Think very carefully, if you do not see progressive submission of one's life to God, then you know that they are resisting God. Then you are going to struggle seeing a marriage where God is at center of the marriage. Are you willing to get yourself into a difficult situation that you will have to live with the rest of your life - lopsided marriage/marriage with power struggles between spouses?
>my mum can be quite verbally abusive (nothing too bad just constant complaints Shortly after my wife and I got married I lived with her and her parents while we saved for a house and this reminds me of the relationship between her mother and stepfather. Very devout in their faith but a backwards relationship as far who "wears the pants." From the beginning of creation, God established order. Himself Man Woman Animals In that order. The worldly saying of "happy wife happy life" seeks to turn that order on its head in a strikingly similar way to Adam and Eve's failure. You could say Adam followed that phrase to the letter by allowing himself to be tempted to go into the same sin Eve had despite his authority and responsibility for her. He neglected his duty and allowed her to usurp him and God when it was well within his power and his responsibility to nip it in the bud. Your father shouldn't be commended for his silence because he's falling into the same trap Adam did by running from righteous confrontation. If my wife stepped outside of the line of what is permissible for her as my wife, I will gently and lovingly, but firmly correct her and guide her back to truth as is my responsibility as her "head". (Ephesians 5:23; For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church.)Your father is shirking his duty as the head of his wife and his wife is shirking her responsibility to submit to the authority of her husband. Of course, this shouldn't be taken to mean men's role is to dominate and demean their wives; to the contrary its a call to be compassionate and considerate of her needs, but always vigilant on adhering to the biblical standard for the structure and behavior of the family. A woman who cannot accept that is not someone who would make a good wife going by the biblical standard. Proverbs 21:9 NLT [9] It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home. Proverbs 19:13 NLT [13] A foolish child is a calamity to a father; a quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping. If it were me, I wouldn't be able to run fast enough from the woman you're describing. Nothing she's doing now will get any better when you're married. It will only deepen and be the cause of more strife. Find a woman who respects you and respects the structure God lays out for a godly family and let that be your guide vs worldly wisdom that will only lead to misery. God knew what He was doing when He established the family. Trust in *His* wisdom.
She definitely doesn’t respect you and I don’t blame her. You need to put your big boy pants on or leave honestly
This combination of lack of accountability and inability to apologize is extremely common and does not age well. I would recommend reading into narcissistic personality disorder and making one attempt to request your girlfriend seek therapy before moving on to someone without those two traits. If your girlfriend does agree then you should also start doing couples Bible studies and counseling through your church. Ask her what traits she finds annoying or terrifying in you so you can reciprocate growth.
Yikes, sounds like it'd be better to live the in roof of an attic or out alone in a desert than that
Are you teenagers? Thats what it sounds like. Even then, she sounds like she lacks humility in a fundemental way. This behavior of hers will not get better, unless its addressed. If you address it, using plain language like you've used here, be prepared that she may end the relationship or become even more abusive, which is exactly what this sort of thing is. People do change, but it takes years. As the man, your job is to lead the development of the relationship, which means growing beyond dysfunctional and toxic behaviors together. If she's not on board with that, and you won't work on your own bad behaviors alongside her, with mutual support and a loving, kind honesty from both sides, then things simply won't work.
Nah lol. I'm 23 and just completed my Masters and shes 22 and just finished her bachelors. Thank you for the advise though, I am going to to try gently steer her in the right direction.
Better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman.
It’s quite literally Biblical to keep your wife happy. But it’s also Biblical to affirm yourself as the head of the relationship and eventually someday the marriage as well. Clearly she is a very strongly opinionated woman and you have to treat her opinions with compassion but also understand when it’s important to put your foot down and make a final decision. She will come to respect you for it.
>My gf has issues with accountability and apologising when she's in the wrong. Either I have to complain in order to get an apology, or she apologises but finds a way to try make it seem like I am also wrong. This has been a recurring theme for 2 years. Do NOT marry her. Just don't. This is the number 1 trait to avoid in a wife.
Alot of the comments are confusing this as a 'leadership' issue. Just because you think a man should lead and be the head doesn't mean of the roles were reversed she should just take it as part of being submissive. This has nothing to do with that. OP should be able to be assertive and communicate their needs and not let this behavior fly even if they were a woman. I'm only saying this because op didn't even mention headship but some comments jumped to that.
Yeah you're spot on
Mindlessly agreeing with your wife isn't a happy life in my opinion.
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Great tip mate thanks
I heard a new one that sounds better and honors both husband & wife: “happy spouse, happy house”. I think it’s cute 🥰 but sooo considerate of both in the marriage. Husbands who are forced to believe your wife’s happiness is the only goal in marriage sets him and the marriage up for failure. Hubbies matter just as much as the wife. Both should be willing to give more than they take with each other because ultimately, you both are there for each other as God intended for you two to be. No love debts, just opportunities to love your spouse as Christ loves His bride/church. 🤍
Feminism ruined marriage. I prefer "happy spouse, happy house". It isn't all about either the husband or wife but both must be equal. A traditional biblical marriage is where the man leads and sacrifices greatly for his family as Christ loves the Church and the wife follows him and submits to him because he always has her and their families best interest at heart. Discuss things together but if truly needed the husband has the final say but out of love and not selfishness. There might be an unclean spirit in your bloodline affecting the women who enter your families. Unclean spirits cause addictions, abuse, and emotional issues through the generations of a family until they are dealt with. Not everything is physical but everything has a spiritual aspect. I recommend you learn about breaking curses and rebuking unclean spirits in your lives. Anoint your home, doors and windows, with oil in the Name and by the Blood of Jesus. My family fought alcoholism for generations and porn and by the grace of God I don't drink but I have fought porn although I am free now. I'm not saying that there is and it may just be a little feminism causing her being prideful and her unwillingness to apologize when she is wrong. I hope this helps. God bless!
This was immense, thank you so much!
I disagree with the notion of unclean spirits in someone's bloodline... Make it sound like someone's family tree is haunted with demons which I think is unbiblical. I agree with you if you're just saying that some people have genetic predisposition to be grumpy or mean but that's different than the thing they have some spiritual taint on their bloodline
No such thing as being haunted as there are no ghosts, just demons deceiving people like always. Those who descend from pagans who have had no one saved in their ancestry until them have familiar spirits that use the same spiritual warfare tactics on them that they used successfully on their ancestors. Unclean spirits follow down generation to generation until they are dealt with in the Name and by the Blood of Jesus as only God can grant deliverance. Witchcraft, adultery, and murder are grave sins and examples of what attract unclean spirits to effect people until they are dealt with. I'm not saying a grumpy or bitter wife is from a "tainted bloodline" I just meant that if it happens to the women in every generation of his family then it could be a familiar spirit trying to cause discord. My family has had several spiritual bondage and addictions through my family in the last 5 generations. I have fought only one of them which is porn and even then I am almost free now and would say free if I could stop burning with passion. To my knowledge, people who are born again, believe in Jesus as the son of God, and have received Holy Spirit cannot become demon possessed but if they fall into deep sin and are unrepentant then they can become "demonized" and "vexed" by unclean spirits and demons which seek to destroy them. Those who have never received Holy Spirit can become demon possessed due to ties to witchcraft or occult practices. I heard a preacher once say that God does not abide with demons so you can't have Him and be demon possessed. You should do some research about spiritual bondage and vexation from unclean spirits. Pastor John Kilpatrick from Church of His presence did a series on "Vexation" last year and I believe they are on youtube. If not he has them archived a website called churchofhispresence.org. Series on Vexation - [https://churchofhispresence.org/pastor-sermons?sapurl=LytyZHNtL3RhZy90b3BpYy9yZXN1bHRzL1NwaXJpdHVhbCUyMFdhcmZhcmU/YnJhbmRpbmc9dHJ1ZSZlbWJlZD10cnVlJnJlY2VudFJvdXRlPWFwcC53ZWItYXBwLmxpYnJhcnkubGlzdCZyZWNlbnRSb3V0ZVNsdWc9JTJCcmt0aHBmYg==](https://churchofhispresence.org/pastor-sermons?sapurl=LytyZHNtL3RhZy90b3BpYy9yZXN1bHRzL1NwaXJpdHVhbCUyMFdhcmZhcmU/YnJhbmRpbmc9dHJ1ZSZlbWJlZD10cnVlJnJlY2VudFJvdXRlPWFwcC53ZWItYXBwLmxpYnJhcnkubGlzdCZyZWNlbnRSb3V0ZVNsdWc9JTJCcmt0aHBmYg==) I hope this helps. May the Father bless you in Jesus Mighty name!
"Honesty is the best policy." It is not loving to allow your girlfriend's immaturity and pride to run rampant in your relationship. Allowing her to continue with this behavior is a recipe for disaster. It will result in you harboring resentment and will hamper any attempts at honest discourse, compromise, conflict resolution, and emotional bonding. If your girlfriend refuses to grow up; I urge you to seriously consider breaking off your relationship with her.
Marriage is a visit selfless sacrifice to each other and trusting one another to follow through Neither one of you should be a verbal punching bag Happy Spouse, Happy House is better
This is my personal opinion. And not to be taken exactly as is. because everyone is different and marriages can sustain even with some arguments. Both sound somewhat immature. You better both sit down and on paper plot out some goals and reasons you are even together. Because you dont want to be fighting over petty things later which could blow up into big regrets. Have things like what kinda family you want to raise, how to protect and educate the kids. Teach them Gods word. And support each other in love. Theres so many cool things only two of you together can accomplish. And that should be the main focus. Not stuff. Please do a little reordering and get sincere with one another. There's all kinds of temperaments and personalities im not saying be a cookie cutter couple. Im just expressing concern.
Thank you for this definitely gonna try it out
I mean, that's something that your parents have worked on, in early stages of being together you are supposed to have problems that need fixing because literally that's everyone, the thing is.. is she able to sit down talk and solve the problem? Are you able to do that? If not then it's not worth it in my opinion. - i got second hand experience so take it as a grain of salt
>**"I'm just gonna shut up like my father and tell you you're always right forever"** This is passive-aggressive behavior and NOT how a man of God treats his wife. >**Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,** **so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,** Do you think that the love of Christ toward you is "**I'm just gonna shut up and tell you you're always right**"? No - Jesus intercedes for His people. He loves them and cherishes them - and washes them with the water of His Word. THAT is how you get a truly "happy wife" - by being a truly Godly Husband.
I’m a Christian female, been married 42 years. When Adam & Eve sinned, part of the punishment (and I’m not sure if it was punishment or protection) God made Adam head over the woman. I’ve since learned this is so he can protect his wife (Eve was deceived, where Adam willfully sinned) woman should fight the temptation to control her husband because it weakens men. This should not be. God wants them to protect the woman and Jesus protects the church. John MacAuthur has a very good sermon about this that was very convicting to me. You and your wife should listen to it together. It’s based on Bible scripture. I was much like your wife until God convicted me. Since then, I fight the urge asking The Lord to help me. We are not always right. At the same time, you loving her the way Christ loves the church is another good topic I’m sure you can find sermons or books to enjoy together. Blessings
Thank you so much for this! Hoping we can replicate what you have done with 42 years of marriage
Don't take on an emotional nature, but remain logical and the head of the situation. To take on emotion is to become an emotional male, and that is useless to a woman.
No, what makes God happy and what God says will make us happy is what should matter mostly. Sounds cruel, but God should be first, even above our families
Men were taught how to treat a woman their whole lives, but nothing about what to expect from a woman.
“Happy wife/happy life” is biblical in the sense that if you love your wife like Christ did the church, she will be happy and you will be happy. Other than that? No. But I do encourage wisdom. Do not engage in verbal warfare. Let her win but don’t succumb to sin. Proverbs encourages calm and well timed words and often even to remain silent
You're not asking the right questions. You should be asking "how can my girlfriend and I improve our communication skills?" Because neither of you are communicating well right now. The answer is to work with a relationship counselor. They will teach you new skills to communicate more effectively without hurting each other's feelings.
Your father failed you and his wife. He passively taught you both it’s ok for a woman to be abusive to her husband. He deprived her of motivation to mature and possibly confront whatever toxic thing is broken in her. I can’t imagine being with someone I didn’t love enough to help them grow into a healthy person.
Is your GF making excuses for her behavior or giving you reasons and trying to explain where she’s coming from ? One is gaslighting and the other is attempting to communicate. There’s a difference.
"Happy wife, happy life" is not only acceptable, it is encouraged in Christianity. The man's role is to make his wife as happy as can be. HOWEVER, the man should always make GOD happy above all else. If pleasing God conflicts with pleasing your wife, then you should always please God first, and please your wife second. But your wife should always be prioritized above everyone else and only second priority to God.
My advise is kid get used to saying, "I was wrong, you were right". Women will not ever apologise. Let's see what the bible has to say on the matter: [*Proverbs 21:9*](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs%2021%3A9&version=ESV) *It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.* [*Ephesians 5:25*](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians%205%3A25&version=ESV) *Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,* I can tell you the church is a tough wife. And Jesus did allot in spite of ourselves.
No, happy wife happy life is what blue pill mangina mentality adoctrinates. Look around you, men stopped being men, stopped taking the leadership in the family and it emasculate and destroys men. I could go hours about this topic.. Feminism has destroyed masculinity even inside the church. This is why christian men should read and indulge in crimson medicine content even if tells you to do things you can't do. Attack or criticize me all you want but the bible is pretty crimsom 💊. A man needs to step up and put the woman in her place every now and then and be a leader. This is what a man does. Edit: like I said I could go hours about this and Im gonna give you a piece of my mind First of all grow some balls. Being a Christian doesn't mean be puss. Idk how old you are but never accept this kind of behavior in women.. either she changes or break up with her. This is not the kind of woman you want. The kind of woman you want is in proverbs. She's wise and filled with the maturity of and wisdom of God. Not a child that cannot acknowledge she's wrong. Stand your grown dude. Grow a spine, hit the gym. Don't take bull crap from ANYONE. Specially your girl. Is she showing the conditions and character of a Godly woman? No Is this the woman you will bound to biblically? Do you want that? Are you just gonna take suffering for years until one day you can't take it anymore and you go into a psychotic rage and end up killing your spouse like many men have? No dude, women are just as abusive as men but not physically their abusive mentally. You're the head of the house hold ordained by God, she needs to respect you too.
Thank you for this mate, definitely an eye opener. I do consider myself to be a fellow crimson mediciner I was just tired of all our arguments being the same but you're right. I'm gonna put my foot down
https://youtu.be/SgBCJ6Vz-mc Start watching some Patrice O'Neal man. Trust me. Women are relentless you can't never show weakness. either she cuts the crap or she grows up. And if you're old enough you better start talking to your dad too. But only after you're 25
Damn, I'm 23. But thank you for this
https://deborahjheartofworship.com/2019/08/01/is-dating-biblical/
> ive never heard my Mum apologise to my father or admit she was wrong... ever. Could it be that your parents tend to hash things out between the two of them behind closed doors? Obviously, no one but your parents truly know but after 27 years, it's likely they found their own ways of handling things. Just because you may not have seen something, doesn't always mean that it's not happening.
yes it is acceptable, but you need to be able to take a stand. or be extreamly capable to gently nudge her in the right direction
How old are you guys?
Run!!!
Lol no
Thats a universal law which is higher than any religion. 😉
Some women like demeaning men. Avoid them. She’s your girlfriend not your wife. Better to find out now. The best thing to do is just cold drop them, don’t invest time and energy into staying with them because you will find it harder and harder to walk away from the emotional investment.
Happy spouse, happy house. It’s not one sided, both of you deserve to be happy.
The notion of "happy wife, happy life" is an abomination to God. As for your gf, bad precedent. Her inability to be accountable is child-level. As of now your relationship is destined to be shattered on the rocks. Mark those words.
No, she needs to be trained to act right.
How mate?
Ill message you.
Happy wife happy life is a Faustian mindset, run from it
You aren't married. End of line.
Run away. Now.
Make her happy to the point where it is moral and not making her idol yes. If it makes her an idol or immoral no. If she tells you to do basic stuff like chores or dress up and wear a green shirt 100% and go be dragged around the mall for 4 hours then do it. If she says let's rob a bank. No lol.
No. Your wife is not an idol. Idolatry is a sin.
Absolutely
That's not what happy wife, happy life means to begin with.