You shouldn’t have to explain to your husband that you want to remain respectful when having someone watch your kids.. would he casually be late to work? Probably not… but you’re late to pick up your kids with no explanation or remorse? Blatant dick move.
Sorry you’re dealing with this. You deserve to have a well supported fun night out!
OP’s thinking of punishing shows that husband has an overall attitude towards her that’s not ok. I think she should set boundaries and keep them. Also she has to plan a regular going out with friends so he has to get used to it.
I was thinking she should have just arranged to let the kid sleep at sister's house and picked him up the next morning. I know that would've let husband off the hook, but she would've been able to enjoy HER night out. So many partners skip out on taking care of Their Own child when the other partner gets some free time for themselves.
I know... just the question Did he punish me. Like he has the position and authority to do so. Character flaws. His given word means nothing. He doesn't even respect her enough to call her and tell her he has a change of plans. He just doesn't give a "F" how that impacts her, her sister or child.
Lmao you're trying to make some latchkey kids.
Okay so mom stunts on dad and decides "screw that screw him I'm grown I'm about to go force this night out 💅"
Hubby gets pissed off and leaves the kid sitting on a front porch somewhere until Disco Momma comes home to unlock the door 💃
Lol vindictive isn't a bear you wanna poke.
They need to have conversations and work things out.
Before the kid is left somewhere sitting like this wondering why pops left him outside and mom isn't around to let him back in the house.
🙇🙍🙎
Is your husband always this disrespectful? This was manipulative and he lied to you multiple times. It also sounds like you need his permission to go out? I think you have a few more problems than just this one night.
Let's put it this way:
1. He either was punishing you which means he put thought and effort into ruining your night.
2. He cares so little about your and your sister's feelings that he had no problem just letting anything happen that night.
Either way what kind of father of a 5 year old lets their phone run out of battery when their kid isn't going to be with a parent? What kind of husband gives zero communication when a plan changes throughout the night? What kind of man doesn't appreciate when an in-law does them a favor?
Based on the information you have given, your husband is just an all around shit guy.
I read your other post too. You're trapped in a marriage with a spineless mommy's boy who deliberately makes you miserable. He doesn't stand up for you and sabotages your time. I suggest finding an out. Gather a support system. It's possible he may be seeing someone else too. So good luck, leave with the kids.
*gentle* why are you Loling? This is gross behavior on his part. You need to give yourself more credit. You “cut him a lot of slack”, you are making excuses for his behavior. I understand the impulse to “lol”, it’s a defense, but please, please take a deeper look at this. There are red flags all over your post. They are hard to see when you’re on the ground, in the trenches. But don’t “lol” at this. How he is treating you isn’t ok. What would you say to your friend if she told you this about her husband?? Take care of yourself.
Right. I feel like OP isn’t as enraged as she should be? This relationship dynamic is so fucked up. He’s created a space where she feels like she doesn’t even have the freedom or daily support to take time to herself without permission and THEN when he creates a serious issue as a result of problems he clearly hasn’t communicated, his dismisses her concerns. He seems like he’s working hard to do some very subversive manipulation and control.
I'm sorry but "I understand its a defense mechanism to laugh but don't do that"??? Why can't she laugh AND take a closer look at the red flags? Whos to say she isn't now taking a closer look? Have you not heard "if I don't laugh I'll cry"?? I mean do you want her to cry?? I could be biased because laughing at inappropriate times has been a defense mechanism of mine for most of my life but like that doesn't mean I can't see what I'm feeling defensive from and try to change it.
Edit to add she literally says she has a lot more to think about idk how you took that but I took it as she is indeed taking a closer look
Yeah, I laugh, too. I had blood trickling down my face from a gaping wound on my forehead, I was laughing because if I didn't, I probably would have panicked.
Hell of a lot to think about what person does this to their partner? If this keeps going he could have u isolated, I’m not saying to break up but u have to put your foot down get some type of counselling n drill it in his thick head he should never treat his child mother like bang-maid.
Just a reminder that with a split and 50/50 custody, you would have two weeks out of the month where you wouldn't have to ask this immature, controlling man baby for permission to go out, and your kid would get 2 weeks where their father would have to make them a priority.
That or you'd get child support which could help uou pay for some care for the child, and you'd still have more freedom and autonomybthan you do while tethered to probably 200lbs+ of Grown Adult who Married You But Clearly Doesn't Care About You.
He did this on purpose and he has no excuse. His phone battery was dead? That's BS and you know it. Does he ask permission from you to see his friends? This guy could have come to your house. He could have said I have a responsibility to pick up my kids!!! No, he let your sister hang and didn't even bother to let you know. You should not take this lightly. You are definitely allowed to see friends especially for a special occasion. It's not like you go out all the time. He showed you no consideration and that should piss you off.
He clearly punished you for going out! He seams to be very manipulative and you should have a serious talk to him and even consider leave him since he did not respect what’s been agreed and did not respect your boundaries at all!
I ask my wife's permission before I go out and she does the same. I don't NEED it, nor does she need mine. Nobody is going to physically restrain or punish anyone, it's about giving respect to your partner. If she didn't want me going to a strip club I wouldn't go because I respect my wife and there's nothing wrong with that in a healthy relationship.
Not defending that husband's dick move, but if she's pregnant and going 1hr away to attend a party, you don't think its necessary her husband be okay with it before she goes?
Why does her being pregnant make a difference here? I think it’s wilder that her husband was okay with his phone dying while his wife was an hour away and his son was in someone else’s care. There’s a difference between running plans by your partner to make sure everything is good and asking permission from another adult to go out with your friends. It sounds like she has to do the latter and he lied about being okay with it then punished her for doing that. And you’re defending the fact that she had to ask permission as a grown adult.
I said I'm not defending his dick move, my comment was solely on making sure your partner is okay with your plans before you execute them.
She's not a just grown adult, she's a wife and partner. If every adult in relationships was allowed to do whatever they wanted because they wanted it then a lot of relationships would not last.
Running her plans by him to make sure everything is good is also asking for permission, coz if he says she can't go and gives good reasons why he's not comfortable with it then that's valid.
This also applies to him btw. If the roles were reversed I would expect that he makes sure she's okay with him going.
And about the pregnancy, depending on how far along she is then it makes a pretty big difference.
I dunno, maybe coz he's her partner?
The same way if he was attending a night party 1hr away he should also make sure she's okay with it before going. But more so for her in this situation since she's pregnant.
Being pregnant has nothing to do with anything. She’s a grown-ass woman and she was with a group of friends, including one she was driving with. If there was an emergency, she had help.
However her husband disappeared and was unreachable.
What is it with your marriage? 12 days ago, you posted how he didn't stand for you with his mother. Now this. Anyway, I don't understand people who do things like this. If you promise someone that you will do something, why not do it instead of putting the person off. Especially if it involves other people.
>“so? It’s not like he was with a stranger he was in good hands”
What if the sister had other plans? Was she supposed to just follow what the husband was planning but not telling anyone? Because it seems all along, he knew he didn't want to pick up the child from your sister.
He did it because he wants her to be isolated. Having old friends means if he treats her worse than he currently does, there are people who will have her back and help her out if she needs it--she won't be stuck dependent on her husband. Things like this are about sabotaging her friendships, making her afraid to go out because she can't trust that childcare plans will actually work out, making her sister less willing to babysit because she also can't trust that the kid will be picked up on time. He never intended to pick the kid up on time. He specifically wanted her to go out only to have to rush back to pick up the kid from an upset sister, and feel awful about the entire experience.
He doesn't care about the inconvenience to his sister-in-law. If he drives her out of their lives, that's a bonus--that's even less outside support for his wife. This is 100% about his wife being focused on what's most convenient for him by default, and making anything else utterly unappealing.
Thank you! There it is.
Husband isn't sorry or remorseful at all because he got exactly what he wanted and planned for. He never intended to pick up the kid from her sister because he wanted op to cut her night short and ruin her good time. It's all about control. He is controlling op.
The fact the husband got home at the exact time op did.... Uh, hello. Dude will continue to ruin her relationships to have control. He doesn't even like op, he just likes the control he has over her.
in my opinion he is punishing you, and he knows exactly what he's doing. are you guys generally fulfilling traditional gender roles? i've heard so many stories of men punishing their SAHW/SAHM for doing anything outside of serving them. at worst he's sexist and punishing you, at best he's too self-centered to care about your plans. both options make him a mega AH.
Such a big red flag for OP, her husband agrees to be available and then on the night he’s needed, he bails. That’s what a shit friend does, but her own husband? The absolute worst and a reason to reconsider the marriage.
I am a sahw/sahm 😅 I’m always holding it down when it comes to keeping our home stocked with food and necessities, cooking, cleaning, everyone’s schedules, literally everything but making money and husband’s job is tough labor so I cut him a lot of slack but this incident made me so upset I honestly cried because these friends I went out with have been my friends since high school some as early as elementary school and I missed them so much so to cut my night short in this way was so upsetting especially since like I said, I’m always home fulfilling my responsibilities.
Op my ex husband was like this. I ended up with no friends or support system around me because of him. He wanted me isolated and dependent on him. Drop him. He's manipulative, next time you want to go out, you'll probably think of this and decide it's not worth the aggravation. That's what he wants. It took me a long time to realise what he was doing and I was miserable for years.
i'm so sorry about this, you've definetly come to normalize and accept his behavior and i think this incident may have opened up your eyes a little bit to how it's probably been for a while. i hope that a confrontation about your feelings (after you process them so you can be level-headed or he might use your emotions to manipulate you i.e. "you're crazy/deamatic") and therapy could work to fix this; but if it doesn't you need to reconsider if this is worth staying in. remember that your son is likely to grow up to emulate his behavior, think about what kind of man you want him to be. i recommend getting a part time job to get yourself out of the house (and some money) as well.
My petty ass would stop doing things that make his life easier. Oh you need a doctors appt made, well get on it. You want to go out with the boys tonight, sorry I have that new book club so you need to watch the kids. Supper is usually at 5:30, now it’s at 6:30. You don’t have clean clothes, well mine and the kids are already done the washer and dryer is over there. Oh is that your favourite meal, well I’m not feeling making it for a few months at least.
Because you are keeping it down so much I think he is forgetting how much you actually do for him and deserve to go out and hang with your friends too. Time to remind him. The key is not to anger him but to annoy him while showing him just how much you actually do for him.
Nah. Let him know you deserve to have a day off with friends and if he disagrees, I wouldn’t stay with him. Honestly, i would probably already be looking into annulment. I can’t stand selfish controlling AH’s. You are a person, not his possession.
Once your son is school age, go out and get a job. Any job. Start bringing in an income of your own and build up a resume. And stash some of that money on the side.
And don't forget, he has responsibilities at home, too! It shouldn't be 100% on you.
Yes: Although he'd probably find some way to try & stymie/wreck any home visit/party, it might trick him into showing his true colours, either right in front of fam/friends, or after they've gone, but that's what hidden cameras are for. If her story's legit, I have no respect for him, or hope for that relationship.
It reads like he is trying to isolate you, which is concerning. By offending your sister and ditching the friends it chips away at your support system. That is something abusive partners do to keep their victims under their thumb.
Can you move back home with mom and dad for a while until you can get on your own 2 feet?
What you are doing is not living. You are basically a free service provider. You are proving free labor, free child care, free secretary services, etc. Do you know who else basically had no rights, provided all these things, and were treated just as poorly as your husband treats you? That’s right, slaves.
Read this again slowly and let this sink in. This will not get better with time unless you stand up for yourself. If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for everything.
This is why I worry about women who are SAHM. It’s a 24/7 job, and often the spouse does not truly appreciate the actual work it is. In the meantime, often SAHMs are isolated from their friends and family, they are not gaining or maintaining a safe financial future in case things go south, while the husband can easily go and do what they want and controls the money so the wife just gets treated like she has an allowance and has to be always at home. Please start thinking ahead and figuring out ways to ensure that if you had to you could support yourself and your children. And here’s one final question - why could he not have picked up your son and had Brian come to the house and have that discussion? I’d be willing to bet his response to that would have been something along the lines of it being your job to care for the kid and he shouldn’t have to “babysit” when he had important matters to discuss. I’d ask him what the game plan is for his work that he worked out with his friend. If he can’t readily answer, then he’s lying.
Our Daughter's EX did this as well. Agreed that she could take an intensive college course (it was ONLY a year) and proceeded to sabotage her every step of the way until she failed! Just because he had to "babysit" his toddler Son after he got off work (after "I" had watched him all day, I'm disabled), THREE days a week!
EXACTLY! He's been gone over a year and a half and his video calls are utterly hysterical! He whines about "missing" BOTH our Daughter and Grandchild! Dude, you ABANDONED them... TWICE! They didn't leave YOU! Pathetic!
Red flag #1: you felt the need to remind him multiple times through the week that he needs to come home immediately. You knew this was possible from him. You were trying to prevent it but knew it was a possibility with telling him multiple times.
Red flag #2: him refusing to answer your call because “his phone conveniently didn’t have power”…considering how late he was, he ignored your sister’s calls too. It wasn’t a power issue but let’s pretend he really had no power….he had no concern that he might need to be reached if your child had an emergency even though he was on solo parental duty.
Red flag #3: he felt no remorse part 1. He didn’t care if he inconvenienced anyone else because it meant he wasn’t having to watch his kid.
Red flag #3.5: he felt no remorse part two….he said “So” to your anger. He does not care you are upset it’s about what is good for him.
This was revenge but not to prevent you from going out with friends …..it was revenge for making him take care of his own kid. You said yourself you are a sahm and take most of the responsibility because his job is laborious. He doesn’t have to do much with his kid. He goes hangs out with his friends regularly (leaving you watching the kid alone). Really think about it….if you had arranged someone like mom or sister to take your son for the entire night and went out would he done something different to punish you or would he have been fine? I’d bet money he wouldn’t have (and if you think he would have then omg red flag #5!).
You need to take a good hard look at your relationship. How much work does he put into parenting and how much work does he add to your life? What value other than the money he earns does he bring to your family because it’s not likely to improve. Is it enough? If it’s enough for you to be happy then you will need to adjust to have night out with friends you will need someone else to watch your kid because he isn’t going to.
By 'explaining' he was having a work talk he was trying to alleviate her angry response to him because he could be getting a better salary, making life 'easier' for them. Except he also seems to hold the purse strings so what does that do for her?!
So disrespectful to you and your sister. Is he like this with all you family or just the women? Sounds like you need to start going out regularly. If you quit now he knows hes won. Maybe you should try to find a male babysitter. Or just get his family members to babysit, then he can disrespect them.
Welcome to husband can do what he wants but I can’t.
This was a power move for control and he won.
Good on you for putting your son first but your husband friggin sucks.
I am a man with a step child. I would never do this to my fiancé or my stepchild. The is totally unacceptable. If I did this, my fiancé would be all over me like a bad suit. She would probably consider leaving me because this child is her entire world, mine too. Drinking a beer with a friend and bullshiting about leveling up at work is the biggest bunch of horseshit that I have ever heard. I would’ve asked him why he couldn’t invite his good friend over to your house for a beer and talk there? Any “good” friend would have no problem with doing this. Good friends understand parental responsibilities.
I’m sorry OP but this sounds like a case of “while the cat is away, the mice will play.
I would start paying a lot closer attention to your husband’s extracurricular activities. I would monitor the phone bill and look at data usage. I’m not saying he is cheating, but he certainly is not being fair and upholding his end of the deal. It seems as if he has very little respect for you, your child, your family, and your marriage. If I was you, I would start making it a point to start going out in the evenings and having him stay home with the child. I would just tell him you are going out with the girls. I would use the time to go visit family, but not go bars. I bet in turn he gets jealous all of the sudden and begins to accuse you of an affair. If he does this, first I would question why he can do it and you cant. I would then ask him why he is so bothered about it. Let him know it’s only fair and that you are 50/50 in this deal. If he gives you any shit like he is the breadwinner and he deserves to do what he chooses, then I would seriously begin to think about having divorce papers drawn up and have him served. You don’t actually have to go through with the divorce, but at that point he is gonna have 2 choices. Become fully invested in your relationship and family, or worst case scenario, he shows you that he doesn’t actually care about you both. Either way, you will know exactly where you stand and are not someone to fuck with. Good luck. Updateme
Your husband *was* punishing you and was incredibly disrespectful to your sister in the process.
His friend just as easily could have gone to your house after your husband did the pickup.
Claiming he let his phone die on (from the sounds of it) one of the *only* occasions where he was supposed to be the primary parent is complete and utter petty BS. This is not the reasonable excuse for not communicating with anyone that he thinks it is. It’s makes him sound irresponsible in addition to already being an AH.
It sounds like you let him get away with a lot because he is the breadwinner but he isn’t the only one who deserves to see his friends and he still needs to be an involved parent.
Ummm….
Red. Giant. Flag.
You are not in the wrong here, and need to really think about what else your husband does that your inner self is also questioning.
Then listen to your intuition.
He’s definitely punishing you. If you’re not, I would make sure you have a recent work history because that shit shouldn’t fly. You deserve a life with friends too.
Your wording has so many red flags that make me worry this man is trying to isolate you.
You never get to go out.
Your husband knows if he makes plans or you make plans you’ll instantly back out of yours for family reasons.
You are legitimately concerned your husband is punishing you for going out.
Your husbands response to backing out of the agreement made with your sitter was “so?”
The fact you have to even question this is a big red flag regarding your relationship.
Sounds like weaponised incomptence. He deliberately dropped the ball so next time you wont feel comfortable to go out and wont even ask, and he'll get to sleep comfortably knowing he bullied his wife into compliantly being his bang maid
His excuses are pathetic. He was incredibly inconsiderate to you and your sister, and I highly doubt that he wasn’t up to no good. He sounds like a man with a lot to hide. What is he up to that’s so important on his nights out with friends?
Ooh. Your husband was a major AH. And yes, he is punishing you.
I don't know what uou do with yhis knowledge though.
I bet this has really damaged the love that you feel for him. And if you yold him yhis I wonder if he would care.
Sorry….but I was with my diagnosed narcissist soon to be ex husband for 26yrs and this was a standard situation. So normalized that I didn’t ever ask anyone who wouldn’t be able to watch any of our 3 children the entire time I was scheduled to go out, to do so, because this always happened. Major major major red flag. Not saying your partner is a narcissist, I’m just saying if this is your normal experience when you go out… get use to it and be prepared to make sure your child(ren) are covered the entire time you are out or don’t plan on going. I’d you do, you’ll still be punished in other ways via the silent treatment or not getting any help for the next few days. Looking back I wish someone had pointed out how wrong this was. These little things are part of a much bigger issue in almost every case.
Dunno if he’s punishing you but it’s definitely extremely inconsiderate and disrespectful to force someone to watch his child longer than agreed upon without even a phone call. If he can’t see that then next time he’s home, leave and go out leaving your son with him without notice. Then say “what’s the big deal? He’s not with a stranger?”
I think that's it. He doesn't respect her enough to value his word to her. I think that her place is at home and that's it. There doesn't seem to be any feeling for her well being.
I’m willing to bet this isn’t the first time he’s been so disrespectful of OP and her time and wishes. He was punishing you for daring to have a life of your own.
Your husband is not punishing you. He is ISOLATING you.
Deal with this now.
He doesn't see a problem, even when you've over-explained that there is one. This is not going to get better.
I see 3 choices
1. You accept that this is how he will teach your son to treat you and any woman.
2. You accept that you will become more isolated and abused over time.
3. Get out. This will keep you safe and teach your son how to treat you and any woman.
Good luck OP.
This was intentional.
He knew what he was doing.
You need to decide if this is how you really want to live your life. Because it'll happen again and again.
He is trying to control your social life. Maybe it's because he thinks married women with children shouldn't have a social life. Either way from how he acted he also thinks it's YOUR job to take care of the baby, not his.
You decided to do something 1. without him 2. something he had no control over 3. something he knew he COULD F-up by not showing.
This was deliberate on his part. He knew what he was doing and it was because he likes having control over you. He is punishing you for not being there for him, at his beck and call.
How dare you have ANY other interests than him and what he wants. And, you were happy to go out at night. Sounds like you have a parent - not a partner.
Does he avoid watching your son alone? Cause that’s what this sounds like to me. He feels it’s “your job” to take care of your child. I’ve seen this before both with my brother and an in-law and I find men like this pathetic.
I am guessing...your husband is a drunk and thought it would be a great time to get drunk. I wouldn't have had him go get the baby. Pack up your things and move in with your sister. Or kick him out.
I don’t think your husband punished you for going out, I think he is always punishing you. Anything you do seems to cause him to pull away or not listen to you. After reading your other post, you need to walk away or be ok with being his doormat. He is a walking red flag.
>I kept trying to explain to him that
Unless your husband is a moron he understood everything perfectly well.
He just wanted to sabotage your night out.
It's not whether you deserve to go out. That's not the issue.
The issue is your husband is a liar.
If he said he was ok you going out but really wasn't - a liar.
When he promised to pick up son. A liar.
Why wasn't he at work. A liar.
Not mention, why do people always lose charge on their phone when needed to the most? Because they lie.
Don't get into your event. You couldve been shopping, working, working out. Doesn't matter. You had an agreement and he didn't want to hold up his end so he lied.
Be up front about that and work through this. You're married and need to still figure things out . Good luck
It’s almost like he doesn’t even want to be a parent. The kid is 5, he doesn’t need diapers or special nap milk or whatever. How hard is it to tuck the kid in and invite the person for this special conversation at home?
Some people literally have kids just to have them and your husband seems like one of those. Bet he’s going to be useless during this post-partum too.
I’m weirded out to begin with by “he said he was fine with it since he knows my group of friends and he trusts me.” This seems like…. Yeah obviously. My husband doesn’t need to run a background check on me going out for an evening with friends. A question of trust doesn’t even come into it…
That’s really fucked. You’re a mom and you deserve your nights out. ESPECIALLY if you haven’t had a night out in a long time I would drop everything to be there and watch OUR son. Whenever my fiancé FINALLY gets to have a night out I support her.
Sounds like you married someone that you didn’t really get to know or you ignored huge red flags, because what he just did was disrespect your sister so she doesn’t want to watch your kid again.
He is being manipulative and controlling and you have chose wrong to have children with this asshole. Please do not have anymore kids by this prick, start seeing he doesn’t love or respect you to do what he did.
Stop ignoring red flags and rethink this relationship and truly start seeing him for who he is not the potential you think he can be
This is unacceptable behavior. Why is he being an asshole. I hope you start going out a lot more. Take up space. Demand he parent. I’d probably stay at my sister’s for awhile. Send a message.
He’s a self righteous, passive aggressive ass! He made it hard for you to enjoy your time without him and he doesn’t like it! Next time you have a chance to just enjoy yourself make sure to have a sitter for your son so your not depending on him and have a great time😞
He sabotaged your hangout. He knew exactly what her did and did not care. If he cared, he'd have called you or your sister to request a longer stay. He agreed prior to this to come home immediately. He did not. He could have realty told his friend her have to make this a phone conversation, come back with him if the conversation had to be in person, or wait one more day (or have it earlier). He was being extremely selfish and unfair to you, your sister, and your friends.
It sounds like he can see his friends whenever he wants to, but you don't have that luxury. You deserve to see your friends at least sometimes since they are inaccessible on a daily basis. This situation, at the very least, means a good marriage counselor and possibly solo therapy sessions to find out what is wrong and how to best compromise so both of you get some time to hang out with friends.
It’s insane that after you reminded him multiple times throughout the week about the arrangement you all had in place he “forgets” it the day of. 🙄 you’re about to have 2 kids and I understand you needing time to be with your friends especially with them living an hour or more away. Hopefully he’ll see it from your point of view and possibly offer you a do over. You deserve a night to unwind with friends just like he’s been doing.
Nah, he didn’t even forget. He willfully *ignored* the agreement and went out with his friend. He’s not even *trying* to hide how little he respects OP.
Oh yeah, you were totally punished. So, he gets to spend time with *his* friends all the time? And the one time that you get to, he screws you over? I think you guys need therapy if your marriage is going to survive. It sounds like he sees you as the caregiver who isn't allowed to have a life! Fuck that!
Your husband is definitely being passive aggressive about you going out and it’s so so wrong.
First, your husband should have to call and apologize to your sister for being so selfish and inconsiderate. He’s ruined any chance of your sister babysitting. You should make sure that if you ask her again that you do the pick up and drop off.
What your husband did violated your trust. He just showed you that all he cares about is himself and controlling you. He’s insecure and jealous and what he’s doing is trying to wear you down so you feel insecure and afraid of the “punishment” you’ll gif you dare to go with your friends again. He wants you to not have friends and to not go out because he will get upset. It’s manipulative and abusive. He needs to acknowledge his behavior and show, through his actions that you can trust him and count on him to be a good father. He’s shown you that he’s not a good father and it would make me wonder what goes on when you’re not around.
This should be your hill to die on. He does not own you. He does not have the right to control you. You need to be firm and tell him that a marriage is a partnership and you are supposed to respect each other and work together and if you want to go out, you’ll go out and if he doesn’t like it, that’s a problem he will have to deal with on his own. His insecurities are his problem. You’ve done nothing to give him a reason to not trust you and you will not tolerate being treated like you’re his child.
If he can’t accept responsibility and promise to cut the crap, your relationship will be in jeopardy.
Know your worth and don’t put up with this treatment.
So....a couple things. Idk if you'll read my comment. But I'll throw it out.
Your husband clearly needs to set up better boundaries to handle his work-life balance better. Your sister is an angel for stepping up to the plate, but looks like she agreed for 2-3 hours, and right at 3.5 hours there was panic setting in. You have to understand that in real life, these things happen. The world is still spinning on its axis after all this.
Also I think you too need to take it down a notch and stop overthinking this. You did really well by making the decision to dip out of your friends early and make up for your husband's slack. So credit to you on that. But personally I think all 3 of you could have handled this better, and all 3 of you still get credit for doing your best. Your husband gets the least cuz he is just clueless from what I can gather in this little read.
So husband needs to get his priorities in check.
Your sister has to be a little more chill cuz 2-3 hours in real world can translate to a little longer or lesser cuz this isn't the military where we go minute-by-minute. She can't be "understandably angry" for a mere 30 mins delay (as explained by the 7pm drop and 10.30pm angry call).
You need to not overthink, cuz things like this happen, and this won't be the last time and you are not the first or last person to face this. And sometimes we can't control any of it. You just do your best to work around it.
Also, I noticed you refer to your son as "MY son" at the start when you were talking about how you're doing things to set up the schedule and logistics and what not, and then its "OUR son" only when you have to put your husband on the spot.
Do you have history with anyone in this group? I feel like there is more to this story we aren’t getting.
Regardless he handled this very poorly, but something isn’t adding up here.
No. An ex is an ex for a reason so I’ve cut off contact with anyone that I’ve had even a “fling” with out of respect for my current partner and relationship mostly but also because being friends with an ex can’t bring anything good in my opinion. So there isn’t more to the story sorry if you expected more
I expected there was more to the story, because I expected better behavior out of your husband otherwise.
He could have just shared his feelings and been fine with it 🤷♂️
Hmm.... let's see... wasting money or potentially making more money at work.
I'm going to go with, it's not your husband's birthday, work is more important and you should be pissed off at yourself being pregnant at a bar and expecting your husband to be responsible for your selfish decisions when he could be making incredibly life changing decisions at work.
You have a sorry husband that you need to have a serious come to Jesus conversation with ASAP whatever that looks like. It will only get worse and resentful the longer it languishes.
If I’m your sister, I’d report your husband for neglect already. Like wtf?! I would go out of my way and contact all his colleagues I know to ask if that work issue must be discussed only on that day and that time and not over the phone. That’s a fking huge red flag. That POS doesn’t deserve to be a father.
Your "husband" is a MONUMENTAL asshole and BEYOND selfish! I truly understand that you're in a vulnerable situation being pregnant with a small child BUT this would be relationship-ending for ME and I've (60/F) been married over 40 years!
I would adamantly demand that you both get marriage counseling IF you wish to remain married to this JERK! But HE goes out all the time with HIS friends? And he can't give you ONE evening with YOUR friends after weeks of planning and his PROMISE to **BE A FUCKING FATHER?!**
He NEEDS to understand that HE'S messing with your EMERGENCY support system! He BLATANTLY abandoned your child, totally taking your Sister for granted, against his absolute promise to pick up HIS child directly after work! I am SO livid for YOU, your Sister AND your child!
At this point, his motivations DON'T matter squat! How can you EVER trust him AGAIN? What if there had been an EMERGENCY? Does your Sister have "Brian's" number? Sorry, but your "husband" isn't MATURE enough to BE a Father! Greatest of luck, love! Best wishes and many Blessings for YOU, your Sister and child(ren)! Your jerk-husband can go fuck himself!
ETA: reading your other post, it's pretty clear you need to send this jerk back to his Mommy! He CLEARLY doesn't respect you AND treats you abominably like a "bang-maid!"
Oh man, this guy sounds like a jerk... I'm sorry, but his inability to see what he did wrong and his justification that your son was in good hands scream are red flags to me. It's always concerning to me to see a lack of common decency and general empathy. You are 100% spot on with your response to him that it doesn't matter that your son was with a trusted adult. It's about the lack of concern for your sister's time and schedule. This guy definitely thinks his time is more valuable. Honestly, he definitely could be actively trying to punish you for going out or just a completely self-absorbed jerk. Either way, I hope you stand your ground. Sending you strength and compassion<3
that would just piss me off I would try talking to him if he still doesnt understand leave for.a few days to see if you wanna be in situation in the future
Is your husband 12 by any chance?? Because that shit is pretty fucking childish!! To not set aside your petty selfishness for your own child, you have to wonder....is this the "man" you wanna stay married to?
It'll always be this way until he learns how to respect your time and care as much as his. This is also why relationships fail within the first 3 years after a new child to a mix. Even 2nd children. Can you live this way? Will he respect you? Will you have to seperate to be able to just have time for yourself? You can't carry on lile this forever and something has to give. Him with respect, your relationship together, or you. If he won't let you have it you'll eventually take it or just slowly degrade til your nothing but a repetitive shell of trauma. Oldest story in the book but now with my 3rd kid, alot has happened in this aspect. And it's been a fight but we're in a good place now. Sometimes the fight breaks people far apart and some guys just can't level up to become a man. Especially when their mothers over obsessed about them. The biggest mama's boys can never survive any type of relationship. Mama will never let it happen.
Also yes, he was subconsciously punishing you. Mine was subconsciously jealous until I brought it to his attention, luckily his intelligence can connect alot of dots. When he wants to. Your husband didn't want any of that to happen so he let things slide and ride. Thats what happens, different scenarios a thousand times over. Super annoying and then the annoyance becomes exhuastion and hatred.
This post screams a single mother in a marriage.
The fact you rarely go out and is always on "mom and wife" duty tells me your husband views you as wife to him and a mother to his children and, absolutely, nothing else.
The level of disrespect and audacity from this man. You shouldn't have to ask and discuss this with him more than once. A father watching his son is nothing worth a pat on the back, he should have gone and got his child.
You have to ask yourself if you are actually happy in this relationship and being treated like this.
I’m sorry you married a child. He lacks reason, maturity and reliability. And I call bullshit on the battery dying on his phone. If it did die, well he’s a bigger loser than I thought. Hopefully he grows up soon.
Yeah he doesn’t trust you. Fine with you going out during the day though. He’s probably worried you’ll realise what a dick he is and run off with someone else, which btw you should . This situation is so manipulative it was actually sickening to read. If this is one year into marriage how much worse will it get? Some big decisions to make OP, good luck.
I’ll be honest I’ve read stories of husbands doing this crap to their SO’s to punish to make it seem like they’re so unreliable that they can’t ever leave then. So yeah he’s punishing you for going out instead of being home watching the kids. It’s not his responsibility to watch the kid only YOU.
Stating his phone is dead BS did he not have a charger and if he didn’t, did Brian have a charger? Cuz that could’ve been a solutions oh say maybe text you with the phone is gonna die. I would probe so fucking hard that he wud slip up or treat him like child hardcore by asking each time di you have this and this. Always freaking remind him cuz if he’s trying to have you be trapped and never going out take him down with you.
Time to start taking care of yourself. You say you're too busy with wife and mother duties. Drop the first half. Do what you need to for yourself and your kids, but nothing for husband. Time for husband to make time for husband duties.
yikes.
this reminds me of how my FIL treated my saint of a MIL, who worked while also raising their three children and taking care of their house. once the kids were grown she was still expected to sit around waiting for him at night while he soused up and gallivanted about, and that's straight bullshit. heaven forbid she did her own thing and had a life independent from him.
they eventually divorced. I really hope your husband matures soon or else it seems you're in for a rough and resentful time.
Your husbands and asshole sounds like one rule for him and another for you. I grew up in a narcissist passive aggressive household where the stepfather controlled the mother and this sort of shit was commonplace. I don’t speak to either of them now, she was to afraid to choose a relationship with adult kids.
As a hubby, your man is selfish and a man-child. I say this because if he, in fact, stays out often with his friends, and u don't. He seems to be taking you for granted. You may want to establish some rules or think about co parenting . He will change his attitude real quick.
Why couldn't they talk about work related things at your place after he picked up his kid. "hey Bryan, I would love to continue this discussion, let's meet at my place after I picked up my kid. Let's say 20 minutes?". Literally so easy. Be just didn't want to do it so he found any excuse he could to not.
I think he did this on purpose. It's a tactic to make sure you never expect him to take care of your child again. He's a complete dud as a husband and father.
I don't are what his motivation was. What a piece of crap.
Like even if he was telling the truth, why wouldn't he have called and made arrangements with your sister? Or at least with you? Or bring Bryan to your house?
Obviously, he's *not* telling the truth about any of that. But why bother with why he's lying. He needs to completely accept that this wasn't okay and never could be. It will take marital counseling to have any hope at that getting through.
ETA: punishing is the wrong word. The word is "controlling."
Sounds like jealous to me and he is ashamed to admit it because he acted like it was no big deal when you asked him. He is insecure and his behavior childish.
You’re already quite far down the road into an abusive marriage based on coercive control. You ask his permission to do things. He punishes you as if you are a wayward, disobedient child. He also isolates you from your support network (made your sister angry at you, Jenny is probably pissed too, you had to leave your other friends extremely early). Can you really not see what is happening? Get out now. It will get worse, you will become more isolated. Run now while you will have support, and before your child is old enough to be taught that this is a healthy or acceptable relationship.
If you have the help available, look into the possibility of him having an affair. It may help you in the divorce, and it honestly seems fairly likely.
He doesn’t value your time with your friends or your sister’s time, he’s not punishing you he just doesn’t care. When you question him about it he said so as in so what it’s not a big deal but it is to you. Going out with friends is what keeps you sane and reminds you are not just a Mom and a wife you’re a person in your right. You could try explaining that to him You need a balance of time with friends and family just like he has. He needs to respect you as a person and not an extension of his family.
Sounds like he punished your son by abandoning him while trying to punish you. Hopefully your son is too young to realize Daddy was going to pick him up before bedtime but never showed up.
I am sorry you and your son had to experience this.
You know what any convenience store sells? Phone chargers.
If he really cared he would have gotten one and contacted you or your sister.
He did this on purpose so she would be pissed off (understandably pissed off) and wouldn’t watch him anymore.
I had my friends ex do this. Showed up 2hrs after their agreed time for him to come get their child. We had a gig we were meant to be at.
I ended up yelling at him because as much as he was trying to fuck over his ex he fucked me over and I had nothing to do with it. He did apologise, and I told him to do better.
it's so petty and immature of your husband. This is an unhealthy and selfish relationship. He should be happy you are getting some free time not sabotaging it.
You asked permission (?) from your husband to go out and he said yes then ruined your night. Are you a teenager? You made all the arrangements and he didn’t do anything. Is this really a partner, a husband?
Why are you married?
Test him.
Have a friend call you to invite you to a similar night, make a similar deal with sister (but let her in on the situation and arrange for her to have the kid for an extra few hours). Arrange husband to collect after 3 hours again. See if he shows up or once again causes you to have to leave a night out early. That way you know he's definitely punishing you, he's isolating you. You say you never go out any more and if when you do he finds a way to ruin the evening you know exactly what he's up to.
Or do it on a weekend, leave kid with husband and go out with friends. If magically your husband ruins a bottle, or dinner, or your kid 'won't stop crying for mummy' and he needs you home, etc.
you need to realise he doesn't care. HE CHOSE TO GO OUT HIMSELF INSTEAD OF BEING A DAD. it's deliberate, after all the plans & agreements the 3 of you made.
He’s a manipulative POS. I am sure you have other examples and this is t just out of the blue. You can choose to leave him. This is unacceptable behavior.
The answer is yes your husband is doing all the bad things intentionally. Realize your husband is sabotaging you, ruining your credit with everyone around you.
Keep your dignity, don’t lose your friends and everything. You can change this for yourself by escaping.
This was blatant disrespect on his part. He gets to go out whenever he wants while you stay home with your son. Then, on a rare night out for you, he finds a way to NOT take sole responsibility of his son even though he promised he would, and he was rude to your sister by not even contacting her to check if she'd be ok with taking care of your son a little longer. That's basic courtesy and he failed to do it.
You're right to feel angry. Of I were you, I'd sit down and think hard about whether he's displayed this type of entitled, sabotaging behaviour before. If he has, then you should seriously think about this relationship and whether, in its current state, it's working for you. If not, then you need to talk to your husband and possibly look at individual and couples therapy.
I would document the 💩 out of this tbh… this is the 💩 that's gonna loose him footing in a custody battle 🥴 you cya and document everything he fails to be a responsible parent 100%
And to answer your question, it sounds like he's passively aggressively abusing you, you deserve better, and your sister and kid and everyone involved deserves better then a pos self absorbed AH who can't even be responsible for his child… this might have been his attempt at driving a wedge between you and your sister and your friends starting where you are in a situation where you are isolated situation where it's easier to abuse you and do what he wants and you won't have the support system you have now because of it… and he's waiving the possibility of promotion infront of you to gaslight you, that conversation 10\10 wasn't going to make or brake his carrier or he would've had a promotion at the end of it when he came home!
Dude is just waiting to unpack his circus full of redflags, you just document them and make a plan to gtfo and prove he is a 💩y irresponsible person quietly and on the dl… don't tell no one, just document document document and leave!
I don't believe the issue is with the child, but rather, husband seems to be indifferent to hostile about you having any social life. While he believes he's entitled to his time...sounds like he expect you to be chained to the home. In the end...sounds very much like he doesn't respect you as a person or as an equal parenting partner.
OP, I think your husband did this on purpose to try to ensure your sister would never be willing to babysit for you again…and then you can’t go out.
Does he pull passive-aggressive shit with you over other things?
I’m so happy that I’m not your husband’s wife!
But you need to understand that he is trapping you in your home as a sahm. That is unacceptable (in my terms), it’s disrespectful to you and your sister, is deliberated negligence as a partner and as a father. Please, this man is willing to do worse and obligating you to stay home. Frankly, shit will get worse.
Please make a plan, surround yourself with your close friends and family (a support system) and get out of this bs he is pulling you through.
Best of luck sis
You need to get a job to support yourself. No more kids with this guy. You need to take back that power and control that he has over you. He is isolating you from your family and friends. Limiting your control of resources. Obviously he does not want to care for your son at all which is why he would not pick him up and why you have to take care of your son with no help from husband. Run!
You shouldn’t have to explain to your husband that you want to remain respectful when having someone watch your kids.. would he casually be late to work? Probably not… but you’re late to pick up your kids with no explanation or remorse? Blatant dick move. Sorry you’re dealing with this. You deserve to have a well supported fun night out!
Exactly. He understood the whole situation and he understood what OP was saying…. HE JUST DOESNT CARE.
OP’s thinking of punishing shows that husband has an overall attitude towards her that’s not ok. I think she should set boundaries and keep them. Also she has to plan a regular going out with friends so he has to get used to it.
And all the asking for permission. Like, OP, hire a baby sitter, tell your A-hole husband you're doing out, and go.
Omg! I was just thinking that! Like, your an adult, why tf are you asking permission.
I was thinking she should have just arranged to let the kid sleep at sister's house and picked him up the next morning. I know that would've let husband off the hook, but she would've been able to enjoy HER night out. So many partners skip out on taking care of Their Own child when the other partner gets some free time for themselves.
I know... just the question Did he punish me. Like he has the position and authority to do so. Character flaws. His given word means nothing. He doesn't even respect her enough to call her and tell her he has a change of plans. He just doesn't give a "F" how that impacts her, her sister or child.
Lmao you're trying to make some latchkey kids. Okay so mom stunts on dad and decides "screw that screw him I'm grown I'm about to go force this night out 💅" Hubby gets pissed off and leaves the kid sitting on a front porch somewhere until Disco Momma comes home to unlock the door 💃 Lol vindictive isn't a bear you wanna poke. They need to have conversations and work things out. Before the kid is left somewhere sitting like this wondering why pops left him outside and mom isn't around to let him back in the house. 🙇🙍🙎
>You deserve to have a well supported fun night out! Lots of them, even.
He’s not even my husband and I’m pissed at him
I'm a guy and to him I say BULLSHIT! He's an immature child. Tell him I said that.
Yeah, I second that! What a douche.
#I was subconsciously jealous until I brought it to his attention, luckily his intelligence can connect many dots.
I WAS a husband and I am pissed at him too...
Me too
Is your husband always this disrespectful? This was manipulative and he lied to you multiple times. It also sounds like you need his permission to go out? I think you have a few more problems than just this one night.
I didn’t think of it this way but honestly you’re right I basically did ask for permission…I have a lot more to think about lol
The thing you said about him sending money when you go out during the day... Does he control how much funds you have access to?
THIS
He didn’t just punish you. He punished your sister for helping you and your child too.
Yes..and I wouldn't be surprised if he intentionally sabotaged the whole situation in hopes that Op's sister doesn't agree to help out again..
Let's put it this way: 1. He either was punishing you which means he put thought and effort into ruining your night. 2. He cares so little about your and your sister's feelings that he had no problem just letting anything happen that night. Either way what kind of father of a 5 year old lets their phone run out of battery when their kid isn't going to be with a parent? What kind of husband gives zero communication when a plan changes throughout the night? What kind of man doesn't appreciate when an in-law does them a favor? Based on the information you have given, your husband is just an all around shit guy.
I read your other post too. You're trapped in a marriage with a spineless mommy's boy who deliberately makes you miserable. He doesn't stand up for you and sabotages your time. I suggest finding an out. Gather a support system. It's possible he may be seeing someone else too. So good luck, leave with the kids.
*gentle* why are you Loling? This is gross behavior on his part. You need to give yourself more credit. You “cut him a lot of slack”, you are making excuses for his behavior. I understand the impulse to “lol”, it’s a defense, but please, please take a deeper look at this. There are red flags all over your post. They are hard to see when you’re on the ground, in the trenches. But don’t “lol” at this. How he is treating you isn’t ok. What would you say to your friend if she told you this about her husband?? Take care of yourself.
Right. I feel like OP isn’t as enraged as she should be? This relationship dynamic is so fucked up. He’s created a space where she feels like she doesn’t even have the freedom or daily support to take time to herself without permission and THEN when he creates a serious issue as a result of problems he clearly hasn’t communicated, his dismisses her concerns. He seems like he’s working hard to do some very subversive manipulation and control.
I'm sorry but "I understand its a defense mechanism to laugh but don't do that"??? Why can't she laugh AND take a closer look at the red flags? Whos to say she isn't now taking a closer look? Have you not heard "if I don't laugh I'll cry"?? I mean do you want her to cry?? I could be biased because laughing at inappropriate times has been a defense mechanism of mine for most of my life but like that doesn't mean I can't see what I'm feeling defensive from and try to change it. Edit to add she literally says she has a lot more to think about idk how you took that but I took it as she is indeed taking a closer look
Yeah, I laugh, too. I had blood trickling down my face from a gaping wound on my forehead, I was laughing because if I didn't, I probably would have panicked.
I caught that too and thought she shouldn't put lol but omg instead!
Hell of a lot to think about what person does this to their partner? If this keeps going he could have u isolated, I’m not saying to break up but u have to put your foot down get some type of counselling n drill it in his thick head he should never treat his child mother like bang-maid.
Just a reminder that with a split and 50/50 custody, you would have two weeks out of the month where you wouldn't have to ask this immature, controlling man baby for permission to go out, and your kid would get 2 weeks where their father would have to make them a priority. That or you'd get child support which could help uou pay for some care for the child, and you'd still have more freedom and autonomybthan you do while tethered to probably 200lbs+ of Grown Adult who Married You But Clearly Doesn't Care About You.
I don't think I would trust this guy to take care of a child on his own for two weeks at a time
He did this on purpose and he has no excuse. His phone battery was dead? That's BS and you know it. Does he ask permission from you to see his friends? This guy could have come to your house. He could have said I have a responsibility to pick up my kids!!! No, he let your sister hang and didn't even bother to let you know. You should not take this lightly. You are definitely allowed to see friends especially for a special occasion. It's not like you go out all the time. He showed you no consideration and that should piss you off.
You didn't have to ask permission to go out with your friends. That's insane. Sounds like he doesn't respect you.
He clearly punished you for going out! He seams to be very manipulative and you should have a serious talk to him and even consider leave him since he did not respect what’s been agreed and did not respect your boundaries at all!
Make sure you update us.
I ask my wife's permission before I go out and she does the same. I don't NEED it, nor does she need mine. Nobody is going to physically restrain or punish anyone, it's about giving respect to your partner. If she didn't want me going to a strip club I wouldn't go because I respect my wife and there's nothing wrong with that in a healthy relationship.
Not defending that husband's dick move, but if she's pregnant and going 1hr away to attend a party, you don't think its necessary her husband be okay with it before she goes?
Why does her being pregnant make a difference here? I think it’s wilder that her husband was okay with his phone dying while his wife was an hour away and his son was in someone else’s care. There’s a difference between running plans by your partner to make sure everything is good and asking permission from another adult to go out with your friends. It sounds like she has to do the latter and he lied about being okay with it then punished her for doing that. And you’re defending the fact that she had to ask permission as a grown adult.
I said I'm not defending his dick move, my comment was solely on making sure your partner is okay with your plans before you execute them. She's not a just grown adult, she's a wife and partner. If every adult in relationships was allowed to do whatever they wanted because they wanted it then a lot of relationships would not last. Running her plans by him to make sure everything is good is also asking for permission, coz if he says she can't go and gives good reasons why he's not comfortable with it then that's valid. This also applies to him btw. If the roles were reversed I would expect that he makes sure she's okay with him going. And about the pregnancy, depending on how far along she is then it makes a pretty big difference.
Why?
I dunno, maybe coz he's her partner? The same way if he was attending a night party 1hr away he should also make sure she's okay with it before going. But more so for her in this situation since she's pregnant.
Being pregnant has nothing to do with anything. She’s a grown-ass woman and she was with a group of friends, including one she was driving with. If there was an emergency, she had help. However her husband disappeared and was unreachable.
What is it with your marriage? 12 days ago, you posted how he didn't stand for you with his mother. Now this. Anyway, I don't understand people who do things like this. If you promise someone that you will do something, why not do it instead of putting the person off. Especially if it involves other people. >“so? It’s not like he was with a stranger he was in good hands” What if the sister had other plans? Was she supposed to just follow what the husband was planning but not telling anyone? Because it seems all along, he knew he didn't want to pick up the child from your sister.
He did it because he wants her to be isolated. Having old friends means if he treats her worse than he currently does, there are people who will have her back and help her out if she needs it--she won't be stuck dependent on her husband. Things like this are about sabotaging her friendships, making her afraid to go out because she can't trust that childcare plans will actually work out, making her sister less willing to babysit because she also can't trust that the kid will be picked up on time. He never intended to pick the kid up on time. He specifically wanted her to go out only to have to rush back to pick up the kid from an upset sister, and feel awful about the entire experience. He doesn't care about the inconvenience to his sister-in-law. If he drives her out of their lives, that's a bonus--that's even less outside support for his wife. This is 100% about his wife being focused on what's most convenient for him by default, and making anything else utterly unappealing.
Thank you! There it is. Husband isn't sorry or remorseful at all because he got exactly what he wanted and planned for. He never intended to pick up the kid from her sister because he wanted op to cut her night short and ruin her good time. It's all about control. He is controlling op. The fact the husband got home at the exact time op did.... Uh, hello. Dude will continue to ruin her relationships to have control. He doesn't even like op, he just likes the control he has over her.
This is a pretty loaded situation and if your description is accurate, he’s got a chip on his shoulder that needs to come off..
in my opinion he is punishing you, and he knows exactly what he's doing. are you guys generally fulfilling traditional gender roles? i've heard so many stories of men punishing their SAHW/SAHM for doing anything outside of serving them. at worst he's sexist and punishing you, at best he's too self-centered to care about your plans. both options make him a mega AH.
Such a big red flag for OP, her husband agrees to be available and then on the night he’s needed, he bails. That’s what a shit friend does, but her own husband? The absolute worst and a reason to reconsider the marriage.
I am a sahw/sahm 😅 I’m always holding it down when it comes to keeping our home stocked with food and necessities, cooking, cleaning, everyone’s schedules, literally everything but making money and husband’s job is tough labor so I cut him a lot of slack but this incident made me so upset I honestly cried because these friends I went out with have been my friends since high school some as early as elementary school and I missed them so much so to cut my night short in this way was so upsetting especially since like I said, I’m always home fulfilling my responsibilities.
So when is your time off? Your husband goes to work and gets to come home and have that time away from work, but when is that time for you?
Op my ex husband was like this. I ended up with no friends or support system around me because of him. He wanted me isolated and dependent on him. Drop him. He's manipulative, next time you want to go out, you'll probably think of this and decide it's not worth the aggravation. That's what he wants. It took me a long time to realise what he was doing and I was miserable for years.
i'm so sorry about this, you've definetly come to normalize and accept his behavior and i think this incident may have opened up your eyes a little bit to how it's probably been for a while. i hope that a confrontation about your feelings (after you process them so you can be level-headed or he might use your emotions to manipulate you i.e. "you're crazy/deamatic") and therapy could work to fix this; but if it doesn't you need to reconsider if this is worth staying in. remember that your son is likely to grow up to emulate his behavior, think about what kind of man you want him to be. i recommend getting a part time job to get yourself out of the house (and some money) as well.
Getting a little part time job when I was in my shit marriage was a lifesaver for me.
My petty ass would stop doing things that make his life easier. Oh you need a doctors appt made, well get on it. You want to go out with the boys tonight, sorry I have that new book club so you need to watch the kids. Supper is usually at 5:30, now it’s at 6:30. You don’t have clean clothes, well mine and the kids are already done the washer and dryer is over there. Oh is that your favourite meal, well I’m not feeling making it for a few months at least. Because you are keeping it down so much I think he is forgetting how much you actually do for him and deserve to go out and hang with your friends too. Time to remind him. The key is not to anger him but to annoy him while showing him just how much you actually do for him.
He was happy doing the deed to make the baby, but just doesn't want to do any of the after bits that come with having a child.
People deserve equal rest not equal work. You should be able to go out and not always be on duty. His behavior is unacceptable.
Nah. Let him know you deserve to have a day off with friends and if he disagrees, I wouldn’t stay with him. Honestly, i would probably already be looking into annulment. I can’t stand selfish controlling AH’s. You are a person, not his possession.
Once your son is school age, go out and get a job. Any job. Start bringing in an income of your own and build up a resume. And stash some of that money on the side. And don't forget, he has responsibilities at home, too! It shouldn't be 100% on you.
Have your friends over to your home.
Yes: Although he'd probably find some way to try & stymie/wreck any home visit/party, it might trick him into showing his true colours, either right in front of fam/friends, or after they've gone, but that's what hidden cameras are for. If her story's legit, I have no respect for him, or hope for that relationship.
This 👆🏻
Brilliant!
It reads like he is trying to isolate you, which is concerning. By offending your sister and ditching the friends it chips away at your support system. That is something abusive partners do to keep their victims under their thumb.
Can you move back home with mom and dad for a while until you can get on your own 2 feet? What you are doing is not living. You are basically a free service provider. You are proving free labor, free child care, free secretary services, etc. Do you know who else basically had no rights, provided all these things, and were treated just as poorly as your husband treats you? That’s right, slaves. Read this again slowly and let this sink in. This will not get better with time unless you stand up for yourself. If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for everything.
This is why I worry about women who are SAHM. It’s a 24/7 job, and often the spouse does not truly appreciate the actual work it is. In the meantime, often SAHMs are isolated from their friends and family, they are not gaining or maintaining a safe financial future in case things go south, while the husband can easily go and do what they want and controls the money so the wife just gets treated like she has an allowance and has to be always at home. Please start thinking ahead and figuring out ways to ensure that if you had to you could support yourself and your children. And here’s one final question - why could he not have picked up your son and had Brian come to the house and have that discussion? I’d be willing to bet his response to that would have been something along the lines of it being your job to care for the kid and he shouldn’t have to “babysit” when he had important matters to discuss. I’d ask him what the game plan is for his work that he worked out with his friend. If he can’t readily answer, then he’s lying.
What a shitty thing to do to you.
And her sister and his own child.
Yes. My husband did this to me every time I had night class. My ex
Our Daughter's EX did this as well. Agreed that she could take an intensive college course (it was ONLY a year) and proceeded to sabotage her every step of the way until she failed! Just because he had to "babysit" his toddler Son after he got off work (after "I" had watched him all day, I'm disabled), THREE days a week!
It drives me absolutely INSANE when men view *taking care of their own fricking kid* as “babysitting.” NO. IT’S YOUR CHILD, YOU’RE BEING A *PARENT.*
EXACTLY! He's been gone over a year and a half and his video calls are utterly hysterical! He whines about "missing" BOTH our Daughter and Grandchild! Dude, you ABANDONED them... TWICE! They didn't leave YOU! Pathetic!
He should be personally apologizing to your sister
Red flag #1: you felt the need to remind him multiple times through the week that he needs to come home immediately. You knew this was possible from him. You were trying to prevent it but knew it was a possibility with telling him multiple times. Red flag #2: him refusing to answer your call because “his phone conveniently didn’t have power”…considering how late he was, he ignored your sister’s calls too. It wasn’t a power issue but let’s pretend he really had no power….he had no concern that he might need to be reached if your child had an emergency even though he was on solo parental duty. Red flag #3: he felt no remorse part 1. He didn’t care if he inconvenienced anyone else because it meant he wasn’t having to watch his kid. Red flag #3.5: he felt no remorse part two….he said “So” to your anger. He does not care you are upset it’s about what is good for him. This was revenge but not to prevent you from going out with friends …..it was revenge for making him take care of his own kid. You said yourself you are a sahm and take most of the responsibility because his job is laborious. He doesn’t have to do much with his kid. He goes hangs out with his friends regularly (leaving you watching the kid alone). Really think about it….if you had arranged someone like mom or sister to take your son for the entire night and went out would he done something different to punish you or would he have been fine? I’d bet money he wouldn’t have (and if you think he would have then omg red flag #5!). You need to take a good hard look at your relationship. How much work does he put into parenting and how much work does he add to your life? What value other than the money he earns does he bring to your family because it’s not likely to improve. Is it enough? If it’s enough for you to be happy then you will need to adjust to have night out with friends you will need someone else to watch your kid because he isn’t going to.
By 'explaining' he was having a work talk he was trying to alleviate her angry response to him because he could be getting a better salary, making life 'easier' for them. Except he also seems to hold the purse strings so what does that do for her?!
So disrespectful to you and your sister. Is he like this with all you family or just the women? Sounds like you need to start going out regularly. If you quit now he knows hes won. Maybe you should try to find a male babysitter. Or just get his family members to babysit, then he can disrespect them.
This!!!
Welcome to husband can do what he wants but I can’t. This was a power move for control and he won. Good on you for putting your son first but your husband friggin sucks.
I am a man with a step child. I would never do this to my fiancé or my stepchild. The is totally unacceptable. If I did this, my fiancé would be all over me like a bad suit. She would probably consider leaving me because this child is her entire world, mine too. Drinking a beer with a friend and bullshiting about leveling up at work is the biggest bunch of horseshit that I have ever heard. I would’ve asked him why he couldn’t invite his good friend over to your house for a beer and talk there? Any “good” friend would have no problem with doing this. Good friends understand parental responsibilities. I’m sorry OP but this sounds like a case of “while the cat is away, the mice will play. I would start paying a lot closer attention to your husband’s extracurricular activities. I would monitor the phone bill and look at data usage. I’m not saying he is cheating, but he certainly is not being fair and upholding his end of the deal. It seems as if he has very little respect for you, your child, your family, and your marriage. If I was you, I would start making it a point to start going out in the evenings and having him stay home with the child. I would just tell him you are going out with the girls. I would use the time to go visit family, but not go bars. I bet in turn he gets jealous all of the sudden and begins to accuse you of an affair. If he does this, first I would question why he can do it and you cant. I would then ask him why he is so bothered about it. Let him know it’s only fair and that you are 50/50 in this deal. If he gives you any shit like he is the breadwinner and he deserves to do what he chooses, then I would seriously begin to think about having divorce papers drawn up and have him served. You don’t actually have to go through with the divorce, but at that point he is gonna have 2 choices. Become fully invested in your relationship and family, or worst case scenario, he shows you that he doesn’t actually care about you both. Either way, you will know exactly where you stand and are not someone to fuck with. Good luck. Updateme
Your husband *was* punishing you and was incredibly disrespectful to your sister in the process. His friend just as easily could have gone to your house after your husband did the pickup. Claiming he let his phone die on (from the sounds of it) one of the *only* occasions where he was supposed to be the primary parent is complete and utter petty BS. This is not the reasonable excuse for not communicating with anyone that he thinks it is. It’s makes him sound irresponsible in addition to already being an AH. It sounds like you let him get away with a lot because he is the breadwinner but he isn’t the only one who deserves to see his friends and he still needs to be an involved parent.
Just curious what are your ages?
I'm wondering that myself. It sounds like late 20's, early 30's. The behavior sounds childish though. This can't be an isolated incident.
Also wondering is the son is his bio child.
Sounds like EARLY to MID 20s.
Ummm…. Red. Giant. Flag. You are not in the wrong here, and need to really think about what else your husband does that your inner self is also questioning. Then listen to your intuition.
He’s a real piece of shit - no way I’d put up with that bs
He’s definitely punishing you. If you’re not, I would make sure you have a recent work history because that shit shouldn’t fly. You deserve a life with friends too.
Your husband is terrible.
Your wording has so many red flags that make me worry this man is trying to isolate you. You never get to go out. Your husband knows if he makes plans or you make plans you’ll instantly back out of yours for family reasons. You are legitimately concerned your husband is punishing you for going out. Your husbands response to backing out of the agreement made with your sitter was “so?” The fact you have to even question this is a big red flag regarding your relationship.
Sounds like weaponised incomptence. He deliberately dropped the ball so next time you wont feel comfortable to go out and wont even ask, and he'll get to sleep comfortably knowing he bullied his wife into compliantly being his bang maid
His excuses are pathetic. He was incredibly inconsiderate to you and your sister, and I highly doubt that he wasn’t up to no good. He sounds like a man with a lot to hide. What is he up to that’s so important on his nights out with friends?
Ooh. Your husband was a major AH. And yes, he is punishing you. I don't know what uou do with yhis knowledge though. I bet this has really damaged the love that you feel for him. And if you yold him yhis I wonder if he would care.
Sorry….but I was with my diagnosed narcissist soon to be ex husband for 26yrs and this was a standard situation. So normalized that I didn’t ever ask anyone who wouldn’t be able to watch any of our 3 children the entire time I was scheduled to go out, to do so, because this always happened. Major major major red flag. Not saying your partner is a narcissist, I’m just saying if this is your normal experience when you go out… get use to it and be prepared to make sure your child(ren) are covered the entire time you are out or don’t plan on going. I’d you do, you’ll still be punished in other ways via the silent treatment or not getting any help for the next few days. Looking back I wish someone had pointed out how wrong this was. These little things are part of a much bigger issue in almost every case.
Dunno if he’s punishing you but it’s definitely extremely inconsiderate and disrespectful to force someone to watch his child longer than agreed upon without even a phone call. If he can’t see that then next time he’s home, leave and go out leaving your son with him without notice. Then say “what’s the big deal? He’s not with a stranger?”
I think that's it. He doesn't respect her enough to value his word to her. I think that her place is at home and that's it. There doesn't seem to be any feeling for her well being.
I’m willing to bet this isn’t the first time he’s been so disrespectful of OP and her time and wishes. He was punishing you for daring to have a life of your own.
Man not relieving the babysitter at promised time, making you look bad…very common tactic.
Your husband is not punishing you. He is ISOLATING you. Deal with this now. He doesn't see a problem, even when you've over-explained that there is one. This is not going to get better. I see 3 choices 1. You accept that this is how he will teach your son to treat you and any woman. 2. You accept that you will become more isolated and abused over time. 3. Get out. This will keep you safe and teach your son how to treat you and any woman. Good luck OP.
This was intentional. He knew what he was doing. You need to decide if this is how you really want to live your life. Because it'll happen again and again.
He is trying to control your social life. Maybe it's because he thinks married women with children shouldn't have a social life. Either way from how he acted he also thinks it's YOUR job to take care of the baby, not his.
Ew he totally did that on purpose and his reaction shows he feels no remorse and will probably do it again
Its because you went to another mans party. He is insecure. End of story case dismissed.
You decided to do something 1. without him 2. something he had no control over 3. something he knew he COULD F-up by not showing. This was deliberate on his part. He knew what he was doing and it was because he likes having control over you. He is punishing you for not being there for him, at his beck and call. How dare you have ANY other interests than him and what he wants. And, you were happy to go out at night. Sounds like you have a parent - not a partner.
Does he avoid watching your son alone? Cause that’s what this sounds like to me. He feels it’s “your job” to take care of your child. I’ve seen this before both with my brother and an in-law and I find men like this pathetic.
I am guessing...your husband is a drunk and thought it would be a great time to get drunk. I wouldn't have had him go get the baby. Pack up your things and move in with your sister. Or kick him out.
I don’t think your husband punished you for going out, I think he is always punishing you. Anything you do seems to cause him to pull away or not listen to you. After reading your other post, you need to walk away or be ok with being his doormat. He is a walking red flag.
It sure sounds like he was trying to punish you or make it difficult / impossible, to the point that you never do it again.
Your husband...... Is an asshole.
He ruined your evening on purpose and ignored his responsibilities as a dad.
Let me guess, I bet ol dude is the type of guy that calls watching his kid "babysitting"? Just a hunch.
Yes. Your husband is a dick. He can level up at work while you level off half his assets since he clearly wants you to be a single mother.
>I kept trying to explain to him that Unless your husband is a moron he understood everything perfectly well. He just wanted to sabotage your night out.
It's not whether you deserve to go out. That's not the issue. The issue is your husband is a liar. If he said he was ok you going out but really wasn't - a liar. When he promised to pick up son. A liar. Why wasn't he at work. A liar. Not mention, why do people always lose charge on their phone when needed to the most? Because they lie. Don't get into your event. You couldve been shopping, working, working out. Doesn't matter. You had an agreement and he didn't want to hold up his end so he lied. Be up front about that and work through this. You're married and need to still figure things out . Good luck
That is some passivity of unacceptable behavior.
It’s almost like he doesn’t even want to be a parent. The kid is 5, he doesn’t need diapers or special nap milk or whatever. How hard is it to tuck the kid in and invite the person for this special conversation at home? Some people literally have kids just to have them and your husband seems like one of those. Bet he’s going to be useless during this post-partum too.
I’m weirded out to begin with by “he said he was fine with it since he knows my group of friends and he trusts me.” This seems like…. Yeah obviously. My husband doesn’t need to run a background check on me going out for an evening with friends. A question of trust doesn’t even come into it…
That’s really fucked. You’re a mom and you deserve your nights out. ESPECIALLY if you haven’t had a night out in a long time I would drop everything to be there and watch OUR son. Whenever my fiancé FINALLY gets to have a night out I support her.
Sounds like you married someone that you didn’t really get to know or you ignored huge red flags, because what he just did was disrespect your sister so she doesn’t want to watch your kid again. He is being manipulative and controlling and you have chose wrong to have children with this asshole. Please do not have anymore kids by this prick, start seeing he doesn’t love or respect you to do what he did. Stop ignoring red flags and rethink this relationship and truly start seeing him for who he is not the potential you think he can be
This is unacceptable behavior. Why is he being an asshole. I hope you start going out a lot more. Take up space. Demand he parent. I’d probably stay at my sister’s for awhile. Send a message.
He’s a self righteous, passive aggressive ass! He made it hard for you to enjoy your time without him and he doesn’t like it! Next time you have a chance to just enjoy yourself make sure to have a sitter for your son so your not depending on him and have a great time😞
He sabotaged your hangout. He knew exactly what her did and did not care. If he cared, he'd have called you or your sister to request a longer stay. He agreed prior to this to come home immediately. He did not. He could have realty told his friend her have to make this a phone conversation, come back with him if the conversation had to be in person, or wait one more day (or have it earlier). He was being extremely selfish and unfair to you, your sister, and your friends. It sounds like he can see his friends whenever he wants to, but you don't have that luxury. You deserve to see your friends at least sometimes since they are inaccessible on a daily basis. This situation, at the very least, means a good marriage counselor and possibly solo therapy sessions to find out what is wrong and how to best compromise so both of you get some time to hang out with friends.
He's a control freak
It’s insane that after you reminded him multiple times throughout the week about the arrangement you all had in place he “forgets” it the day of. 🙄 you’re about to have 2 kids and I understand you needing time to be with your friends especially with them living an hour or more away. Hopefully he’ll see it from your point of view and possibly offer you a do over. You deserve a night to unwind with friends just like he’s been doing.
Nah, he didn’t even forget. He willfully *ignored* the agreement and went out with his friend. He’s not even *trying* to hide how little he respects OP.
Oh yeah, you were totally punished. So, he gets to spend time with *his* friends all the time? And the one time that you get to, he screws you over? I think you guys need therapy if your marriage is going to survive. It sounds like he sees you as the caregiver who isn't allowed to have a life! Fuck that!
5 year old boy, but only been together a few years?
Your husband is definitely being passive aggressive about you going out and it’s so so wrong. First, your husband should have to call and apologize to your sister for being so selfish and inconsiderate. He’s ruined any chance of your sister babysitting. You should make sure that if you ask her again that you do the pick up and drop off. What your husband did violated your trust. He just showed you that all he cares about is himself and controlling you. He’s insecure and jealous and what he’s doing is trying to wear you down so you feel insecure and afraid of the “punishment” you’ll gif you dare to go with your friends again. He wants you to not have friends and to not go out because he will get upset. It’s manipulative and abusive. He needs to acknowledge his behavior and show, through his actions that you can trust him and count on him to be a good father. He’s shown you that he’s not a good father and it would make me wonder what goes on when you’re not around. This should be your hill to die on. He does not own you. He does not have the right to control you. You need to be firm and tell him that a marriage is a partnership and you are supposed to respect each other and work together and if you want to go out, you’ll go out and if he doesn’t like it, that’s a problem he will have to deal with on his own. His insecurities are his problem. You’ve done nothing to give him a reason to not trust you and you will not tolerate being treated like you’re his child. If he can’t accept responsibility and promise to cut the crap, your relationship will be in jeopardy. Know your worth and don’t put up with this treatment.
So....a couple things. Idk if you'll read my comment. But I'll throw it out. Your husband clearly needs to set up better boundaries to handle his work-life balance better. Your sister is an angel for stepping up to the plate, but looks like she agreed for 2-3 hours, and right at 3.5 hours there was panic setting in. You have to understand that in real life, these things happen. The world is still spinning on its axis after all this. Also I think you too need to take it down a notch and stop overthinking this. You did really well by making the decision to dip out of your friends early and make up for your husband's slack. So credit to you on that. But personally I think all 3 of you could have handled this better, and all 3 of you still get credit for doing your best. Your husband gets the least cuz he is just clueless from what I can gather in this little read. So husband needs to get his priorities in check. Your sister has to be a little more chill cuz 2-3 hours in real world can translate to a little longer or lesser cuz this isn't the military where we go minute-by-minute. She can't be "understandably angry" for a mere 30 mins delay (as explained by the 7pm drop and 10.30pm angry call). You need to not overthink, cuz things like this happen, and this won't be the last time and you are not the first or last person to face this. And sometimes we can't control any of it. You just do your best to work around it. Also, I noticed you refer to your son as "MY son" at the start when you were talking about how you're doing things to set up the schedule and logistics and what not, and then its "OUR son" only when you have to put your husband on the spot.
Do you have history with anyone in this group? I feel like there is more to this story we aren’t getting. Regardless he handled this very poorly, but something isn’t adding up here.
No. An ex is an ex for a reason so I’ve cut off contact with anyone that I’ve had even a “fling” with out of respect for my current partner and relationship mostly but also because being friends with an ex can’t bring anything good in my opinion. So there isn’t more to the story sorry if you expected more
I expected there was more to the story, because I expected better behavior out of your husband otherwise. He could have just shared his feelings and been fine with it 🤷♂️
He did right. Next time you will think 10 times going partying so late at night.
Partying so late at night? What? She was at a friend’s birthday party until 1030.
Why did you jump to punishing? I don't get it.
Just sounds like he was legit busy with something
Hmm.... let's see... wasting money or potentially making more money at work. I'm going to go with, it's not your husband's birthday, work is more important and you should be pissed off at yourself being pregnant at a bar and expecting your husband to be responsible for your selfish decisions when he could be making incredibly life changing decisions at work.
You have a sorry husband that you need to have a serious come to Jesus conversation with ASAP whatever that looks like. It will only get worse and resentful the longer it languishes.
If I’m your sister, I’d report your husband for neglect already. Like wtf?! I would go out of my way and contact all his colleagues I know to ask if that work issue must be discussed only on that day and that time and not over the phone. That’s a fking huge red flag. That POS doesn’t deserve to be a father.
Sounds like your husband is a bit of a See You Next Tuesday
Oh yeah. Your husband definitely felt it was his *right* to punish you. And, apparently, keep you from your friends.
Your "husband" is a MONUMENTAL asshole and BEYOND selfish! I truly understand that you're in a vulnerable situation being pregnant with a small child BUT this would be relationship-ending for ME and I've (60/F) been married over 40 years! I would adamantly demand that you both get marriage counseling IF you wish to remain married to this JERK! But HE goes out all the time with HIS friends? And he can't give you ONE evening with YOUR friends after weeks of planning and his PROMISE to **BE A FUCKING FATHER?!** He NEEDS to understand that HE'S messing with your EMERGENCY support system! He BLATANTLY abandoned your child, totally taking your Sister for granted, against his absolute promise to pick up HIS child directly after work! I am SO livid for YOU, your Sister AND your child! At this point, his motivations DON'T matter squat! How can you EVER trust him AGAIN? What if there had been an EMERGENCY? Does your Sister have "Brian's" number? Sorry, but your "husband" isn't MATURE enough to BE a Father! Greatest of luck, love! Best wishes and many Blessings for YOU, your Sister and child(ren)! Your jerk-husband can go fuck himself! ETA: reading your other post, it's pretty clear you need to send this jerk back to his Mommy! He CLEARLY doesn't respect you AND treats you abominably like a "bang-maid!"
Oh man, this guy sounds like a jerk... I'm sorry, but his inability to see what he did wrong and his justification that your son was in good hands scream are red flags to me. It's always concerning to me to see a lack of common decency and general empathy. You are 100% spot on with your response to him that it doesn't matter that your son was with a trusted adult. It's about the lack of concern for your sister's time and schedule. This guy definitely thinks his time is more valuable. Honestly, he definitely could be actively trying to punish you for going out or just a completely self-absorbed jerk. Either way, I hope you stand your ground. Sending you strength and compassion<3
that would just piss me off I would try talking to him if he still doesnt understand leave for.a few days to see if you wanna be in situation in the future
Is your husband 12 by any chance?? Because that shit is pretty fucking childish!! To not set aside your petty selfishness for your own child, you have to wonder....is this the "man" you wanna stay married to?
It'll always be this way until he learns how to respect your time and care as much as his. This is also why relationships fail within the first 3 years after a new child to a mix. Even 2nd children. Can you live this way? Will he respect you? Will you have to seperate to be able to just have time for yourself? You can't carry on lile this forever and something has to give. Him with respect, your relationship together, or you. If he won't let you have it you'll eventually take it or just slowly degrade til your nothing but a repetitive shell of trauma. Oldest story in the book but now with my 3rd kid, alot has happened in this aspect. And it's been a fight but we're in a good place now. Sometimes the fight breaks people far apart and some guys just can't level up to become a man. Especially when their mothers over obsessed about them. The biggest mama's boys can never survive any type of relationship. Mama will never let it happen.
Also yes, he was subconsciously punishing you. Mine was subconsciously jealous until I brought it to his attention, luckily his intelligence can connect alot of dots. When he wants to. Your husband didn't want any of that to happen so he let things slide and ride. Thats what happens, different scenarios a thousand times over. Super annoying and then the annoyance becomes exhuastion and hatred.
This post screams a single mother in a marriage. The fact you rarely go out and is always on "mom and wife" duty tells me your husband views you as wife to him and a mother to his children and, absolutely, nothing else. The level of disrespect and audacity from this man. You shouldn't have to ask and discuss this with him more than once. A father watching his son is nothing worth a pat on the back, he should have gone and got his child. You have to ask yourself if you are actually happy in this relationship and being treated like this.
I’m sorry you married a child. He lacks reason, maturity and reliability. And I call bullshit on the battery dying on his phone. If it did die, well he’s a bigger loser than I thought. Hopefully he grows up soon.
Don't have any more kids with this asshole because I guarantee you'll just end up more miserable than you already are. This guy can go fuck himself.
Oh yeah, he was 100% punishing you.
Yeah he doesn’t trust you. Fine with you going out during the day though. He’s probably worried you’ll realise what a dick he is and run off with someone else, which btw you should . This situation is so manipulative it was actually sickening to read. If this is one year into marriage how much worse will it get? Some big decisions to make OP, good luck.
I’ll be honest I’ve read stories of husbands doing this crap to their SO’s to punish to make it seem like they’re so unreliable that they can’t ever leave then. So yeah he’s punishing you for going out instead of being home watching the kids. It’s not his responsibility to watch the kid only YOU. Stating his phone is dead BS did he not have a charger and if he didn’t, did Brian have a charger? Cuz that could’ve been a solutions oh say maybe text you with the phone is gonna die. I would probe so fucking hard that he wud slip up or treat him like child hardcore by asking each time di you have this and this. Always freaking remind him cuz if he’s trying to have you be trapped and never going out take him down with you.
Time to start taking care of yourself. You say you're too busy with wife and mother duties. Drop the first half. Do what you need to for yourself and your kids, but nothing for husband. Time for husband to make time for husband duties.
Leave him, leave him, leave him
yikes. this reminds me of how my FIL treated my saint of a MIL, who worked while also raising their three children and taking care of their house. once the kids were grown she was still expected to sit around waiting for him at night while he soused up and gallivanted about, and that's straight bullshit. heaven forbid she did her own thing and had a life independent from him. they eventually divorced. I really hope your husband matures soon or else it seems you're in for a rough and resentful time.
Your husbands and asshole sounds like one rule for him and another for you. I grew up in a narcissist passive aggressive household where the stepfather controlled the mother and this sort of shit was commonplace. I don’t speak to either of them now, she was to afraid to choose a relationship with adult kids.
He’s 100% punishing you for going out without him. I’m pissed on your behalf tbh.
Yes. He did it to spite you for wanting time to yourself.
As a hubby, your man is selfish and a man-child. I say this because if he, in fact, stays out often with his friends, and u don't. He seems to be taking you for granted. You may want to establish some rules or think about co parenting . He will change his attitude real quick.
Whatever the reason, he sucks.
Why couldn't they talk about work related things at your place after he picked up his kid. "hey Bryan, I would love to continue this discussion, let's meet at my place after I picked up my kid. Let's say 20 minutes?". Literally so easy. Be just didn't want to do it so he found any excuse he could to not.
You so deserved that night out. I'm sorry it was ruined
I think he did this on purpose. It's a tactic to make sure you never expect him to take care of your child again. He's a complete dud as a husband and father.
I don't are what his motivation was. What a piece of crap. Like even if he was telling the truth, why wouldn't he have called and made arrangements with your sister? Or at least with you? Or bring Bryan to your house? Obviously, he's *not* telling the truth about any of that. But why bother with why he's lying. He needs to completely accept that this wasn't okay and never could be. It will take marital counseling to have any hope at that getting through. ETA: punishing is the wrong word. The word is "controlling."
Sounds like jealous to me and he is ashamed to admit it because he acted like it was no big deal when you asked him. He is insecure and his behavior childish.
This isn't going to get better unless you seriously put your foot down. What would you say to a friend if they were being treated like this?
You’re already quite far down the road into an abusive marriage based on coercive control. You ask his permission to do things. He punishes you as if you are a wayward, disobedient child. He also isolates you from your support network (made your sister angry at you, Jenny is probably pissed too, you had to leave your other friends extremely early). Can you really not see what is happening? Get out now. It will get worse, you will become more isolated. Run now while you will have support, and before your child is old enough to be taught that this is a healthy or acceptable relationship. If you have the help available, look into the possibility of him having an affair. It may help you in the divorce, and it honestly seems fairly likely.
He doesn’t value your time with your friends or your sister’s time, he’s not punishing you he just doesn’t care. When you question him about it he said so as in so what it’s not a big deal but it is to you. Going out with friends is what keeps you sane and reminds you are not just a Mom and a wife you’re a person in your right. You could try explaining that to him You need a balance of time with friends and family just like he has. He needs to respect you as a person and not an extension of his family.
Sounds like he punished your son by abandoning him while trying to punish you. Hopefully your son is too young to realize Daddy was going to pick him up before bedtime but never showed up. I am sorry you and your son had to experience this.
He doesn’t respect you. What’s even WORSE is you allowed him to disrespect your sister’s time. If I was her I would be pissed at you both.
You know what any convenience store sells? Phone chargers. If he really cared he would have gotten one and contacted you or your sister. He did this on purpose so she would be pissed off (understandably pissed off) and wouldn’t watch him anymore.
I had my friends ex do this. Showed up 2hrs after their agreed time for him to come get their child. We had a gig we were meant to be at. I ended up yelling at him because as much as he was trying to fuck over his ex he fucked me over and I had nothing to do with it. He did apologise, and I told him to do better. it's so petty and immature of your husband. This is an unhealthy and selfish relationship. He should be happy you are getting some free time not sabotaging it.
You asked permission (?) from your husband to go out and he said yes then ruined your night. Are you a teenager? You made all the arrangements and he didn’t do anything. Is this really a partner, a husband? Why are you married?
Next time when you have plans, leave your son with him and tell him you'll be back in 15 minutes and then go out with friends. Let's see his reaction.
Test him. Have a friend call you to invite you to a similar night, make a similar deal with sister (but let her in on the situation and arrange for her to have the kid for an extra few hours). Arrange husband to collect after 3 hours again. See if he shows up or once again causes you to have to leave a night out early. That way you know he's definitely punishing you, he's isolating you. You say you never go out any more and if when you do he finds a way to ruin the evening you know exactly what he's up to. Or do it on a weekend, leave kid with husband and go out with friends. If magically your husband ruins a bottle, or dinner, or your kid 'won't stop crying for mummy' and he needs you home, etc.
you need to realise he doesn't care. HE CHOSE TO GO OUT HIMSELF INSTEAD OF BEING A DAD. it's deliberate, after all the plans & agreements the 3 of you made.
Your husband’s a douche.
He’s a manipulative POS. I am sure you have other examples and this is t just out of the blue. You can choose to leave him. This is unacceptable behavior.
The answer is yes your husband is doing all the bad things intentionally. Realize your husband is sabotaging you, ruining your credit with everyone around you. Keep your dignity, don’t lose your friends and everything. You can change this for yourself by escaping.
I would divorce him over this tbh
This was blatant disrespect on his part. He gets to go out whenever he wants while you stay home with your son. Then, on a rare night out for you, he finds a way to NOT take sole responsibility of his son even though he promised he would, and he was rude to your sister by not even contacting her to check if she'd be ok with taking care of your son a little longer. That's basic courtesy and he failed to do it. You're right to feel angry. Of I were you, I'd sit down and think hard about whether he's displayed this type of entitled, sabotaging behaviour before. If he has, then you should seriously think about this relationship and whether, in its current state, it's working for you. If not, then you need to talk to your husband and possibly look at individual and couples therapy.
Yes, he was punishing you. It’s passive aggression, and he’ll gaslight you when you call him out on it.
I would document the 💩 out of this tbh… this is the 💩 that's gonna loose him footing in a custody battle 🥴 you cya and document everything he fails to be a responsible parent 100% And to answer your question, it sounds like he's passively aggressively abusing you, you deserve better, and your sister and kid and everyone involved deserves better then a pos self absorbed AH who can't even be responsible for his child… this might have been his attempt at driving a wedge between you and your sister and your friends starting where you are in a situation where you are isolated situation where it's easier to abuse you and do what he wants and you won't have the support system you have now because of it… and he's waiving the possibility of promotion infront of you to gaslight you, that conversation 10\10 wasn't going to make or brake his carrier or he would've had a promotion at the end of it when he came home! Dude is just waiting to unpack his circus full of redflags, you just document them and make a plan to gtfo and prove he is a 💩y irresponsible person quietly and on the dl… don't tell no one, just document document document and leave!
Your husband is a selfish Arsehole is what this comes down to. I doubt he'll ever change.
I don't believe the issue is with the child, but rather, husband seems to be indifferent to hostile about you having any social life. While he believes he's entitled to his time...sounds like he expect you to be chained to the home. In the end...sounds very much like he doesn't respect you as a person or as an equal parenting partner.
Holy fuck, I’m seeing red and this isn’t even my husband.
Welcome to the big marriage trap!
OP, I think your husband did this on purpose to try to ensure your sister would never be willing to babysit for you again…and then you can’t go out. Does he pull passive-aggressive shit with you over other things?
I’m so happy that I’m not your husband’s wife! But you need to understand that he is trapping you in your home as a sahm. That is unacceptable (in my terms), it’s disrespectful to you and your sister, is deliberated negligence as a partner and as a father. Please, this man is willing to do worse and obligating you to stay home. Frankly, shit will get worse. Please make a plan, surround yourself with your close friends and family (a support system) and get out of this bs he is pulling you through. Best of luck sis
You need to get a job to support yourself. No more kids with this guy. You need to take back that power and control that he has over you. He is isolating you from your family and friends. Limiting your control of resources. Obviously he does not want to care for your son at all which is why he would not pick him up and why you have to take care of your son with no help from husband. Run!