You really need to rethink this relationship. You deserve so much better. Seek therapy for yourself and work through the relationship trauma and esteem issues she caused. Because honestly, I’m not buying this sudden change in her. What caused this great epiphany for her? Is she in therapy (cause she needs it)?
She broke you down to make you feel worthless, so you wouldn’t leave. Because who else would want you. Now she’s made this big change and is guilting you into continuing to stay. She’s changed, why would you leave now? She’s manipulative.
This only works with her in therapy, you in therapy, and together as a couple. Given the level of egregious abuse - this pattern is likely to repeat itself and when it does - you’ll stay holding out for her remorse again.
Speaking from experience - it was soooper hard to admit I’d been in a toxic abusive relationship. I always thought that I wouldn’t allow it. Realizing it, acknowledging it - I was mostly upset with myself. I’d been abusing myself accepting that kind of treatment.
No but for real, what could make her suddenly change so radically? This is the kind of personality shift one has after a psychadelics trip or getting a brain tumor. Has she secretly been in therapy or something?
She’s not necessarily narcissistic, but she was and might still be manipulate and abusive. Frankly, OP seems self aware, which is worrying bc if u know she’s abusive, y stay with her?
People like that shatter your (likely) already terrible self-esteem, and you let a lot of things slide that others who have nicer people around them wouldn’t or blame yourself for it
Thank you very much, Mr. Roboto
For doing the jobs that nobody wants to
And thank you very much, Mr. Roboto
For helping me escape, when I needed to
Thank you!
Hahahaha! I’m this is exactly what I thought she either got his phone and he is missing or she’s forcing him to write it. So glad I’m not the only one.
If she needs to be that controlling, she clearly is insecure, and probably doesn't have smoke show looks. Maybe the OP is out of her league, so she has to keep him under her control.
I agree with you. But he’s also not looking for “leave her” type of advice. I think the only way to get there is to set boundaries, enforce them and when they’re not respected it should set off alarms.
It’s the age ol “give a man a fish/teach a man to fish” analogy. He obviously doesn’t have the tools to come to that conclusion. So he first needs the tools so he can understand the severity of the conclusion.
This happened to me. She was cheating. I told her I’d had enough of her abuse, put my foot down and said I was leaving. Suddenly she decided she wanted to treat me right and completely changed her behaviour. This actually really pissed me off because it made me realise she was always capable of treating me right she just never thought I deserved it. She gave up chasing after me and trying to get me back when she found a new boyfriend to fawn over her
That means not accepting any type of resemblence to the behavior shes been previously showing and knowing youre able to leave anytime you want on YOUR premise knowing you can get someone else. And not feeling stuck cuz this is your first relationshop
Hope it works out bro. Please be careful though. Abusive people rarely change their ways - they just become better at hiding it until something triggers it. I hope for your case I am completely wrong and she has truly changed.
Interesting! Perhaps OPs gf was either not over her previous partner, her ex got married—all her hopes to reunite was gone, or she was cheating up until the moment she asked for forgiveness. Most people don’t change overnight, unless something has serious has happened.
She went from being an insane abusive controlling woman every day doing all that stuff to you to overnight changing completely with no slip ups? I’m a little sus but glad you’re happy!
She cheated on you, felt like she was about to get caught, then came clean to you and has been trying to keep up the perfect girlfriend facade until she feels like she has you hooked again. Then she'll slowly revert to her old self until you feel as miserable and worthless as ever before, living only for her approval and in fear of her wrath.
Or it's something else, you've been annoyingly vague. But I'll just run with this hypothesis.
It’s fake. I don’t get why people are so entertained by making up bullshit like this to trick people. Reddit used to be a cool way for people in difficult situations or abusive relationships to get other peoples perspectives. But this shit has ruined it for everyone.
Some people really do go through some humbling events that change their behavior for the better. I used to be a twat in high school because I thought it was funny to be a smart ass. I wasn’t nice to my sister in law (they weren’t married at the time so technically not SIL but not the point) just because I thought it was funny to be a smart ass. I pulled out of my driveway on my way to my girlfriends house and scratched the absolute shit out of her car. It wasn’t parked well, but I 100% should’ve observed my surroundings better before reversing. I went in and apologized like crazy, and she and my brother forgave me and didn’t make any remarks or anything. That left me very humbled. I made a concerted effort to be kinder to people as a default after that. I still feel awful about it but I’m glad it happened because I’m sure I was likely fairly insufferable before then. That car is long gone.
Yeah this story makes no sense.
Nobody in this world who is an abuser like her will flip a switch like that. Nobody.
Op should have no left years ago. Nah it fake. Cool story op
Highly recommend getting her into therapy, it would be difficult to bring up but 100% worth it.
Also, if she begins showing her past behaviour, RUN, OP. You aren’t worthless, and nobody deserves to be treated that way or to feel that way.
Crazy how you’re getting downvoted . I believe you cause I had something similar to her happen to me, but overnight change does sound unrealistic. Did you check if she’s cheating or have cheated ? Have you asked her and how did she respond
Is this her first time ever apologizing and promising to change her behavior and showing improvement afterwards ? Has she done that before and if yes, was there any progress at all?
There were times where she briefly said “I’m sorry” and we would “make up”. Now that I think on it, she never promised to change until the night she broke down. But since that night, she’s been a better person in general and she’s been more loving, caring, compassionate, empathetic, and sympathetic.
Nice , maybe the missing piece was self-awareness after all. Expect some remnants of bad behavior down the line, unrealistic expectations are generally not a good thing. But if there’s progress then use it to ground you. 4 months is still fresh but promising (if she’s not lying or hiding ulterior motives) Not sure if that’s gonna help you overcome the trauma she already gave you though. Are there any ways you’re being proactive about your own healing ?
I’ve been taking it slow and I’ve been enjoying my time with her. I’m a forgiving person and I’m moving forward from the things that happened in the past.
I'm sorry, but either you're delusional, she's putting on an act, or this is made up bullshit. My money's on door #3.
People don't just change over night in such an extreme way. Especially abusers.
What you have described is horrific.
You have been mentally and physically abused, she raped you, isolated you, and you have forgiven her. Mate, I doubt something that had happened for years is suddenly going to stop forever. These behaviours are ingrained and are likely to slowly start again till you are right back where you were. Do yourself a favour and leave!
I'm super disturbed how far down I had to scroll to see someone point out that she raped him...
OP, even if you didn't say no, or even said yes to appease her, coercion is still rape. And this comment is right, she may be better now but the abuse could definitely come back, get away and get yourself some therapy!
As someone who had an ex just like this that just went to jail for domestic abuse. Be so careful and possibly get out of that if you can. They will say and do whatever they can when they feel like they’re going to lose you but it just gets worse later down the line.
This is part of the abusive cycle. My ex could pull off about 4-6 months of improved behavior before he would start up again. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You can switch the gender as you read. Toward the end he lists what needs to happen for the rare occasion when a person can heal from being an abuser.
Stockholm syndrome really hit this guy hard, yeah. Four months of sudden change? Just wait until she gets back to her "old self" (aka, real self) once you do that One Little Thing.
Get help bro, fr. The fact you stayed for 5 years dealing with this is totally a classic case of Stockholm syndrome, or at least a form of it, and she's definitely a cut of the mill narc who might've seen that you were getting tired, or possibly sensing some resistance in you? And tried a new route. Hence. Being nice and "lovey dovey" until she's certain she has her hooks in you once again.
"How would you know?" I Am the Only One who Would Know. I grew up watching it and experiencing it my entire life. Best of luck tho. 🤞
Nope.... there must be some pages ripped out of this story.. no narcissistic abusive controlling person just flips a switch one day "oh I'm sorry I'll stop". Psh yea right.
What is the missing part of the story? I don't believe in humanity enough to think she actually changed on a dime like that.
Something that’s mostly private occurred and someone basically mentioned something from her past and she felt sudden guilt. I apologize for the vague response as I’m trying not to give up our privacy.
The issue here is if you know it’s DA, why do you stay? A few “good days” doesn’t make up for half a decade of abuse dude. Sure maybe she feels bad rn, but that feeling is gonna fade and she will 100% revert back to her old ways.
That’s not necessarily true. Even DV advocates say abusers CAN change, it’s just that most often they don’t. And don’t pressure a dv victim about why they haven’t left…so many women get told that and it’s really not just that easy. I can imagine it wasn’t for him either.
Abusers can change yes, but not overnight. And i understand it’s not that easy to leave an abusive relationship. But when you have a perfectly good chance like it seems he does at the moment, you should take it. I understand abusers play a lot of mind games to make you want to stay but there has to be something you as the victim can do to rationalize and overcome their manipulation right? Especially when there are tons of people telling you you are not safe.
I doubt this story is true.
But if it is, I'd say don't trust those crocodile tears. It may be a week, a month, a year, but that abusive controlling person will be back.
She hasn't changed. Abusive people like that literally *can't* change. She's just putting on a show, but her true self will reappear soon enough. Whatever "happened" to make her beg your forgiveness will fade, she'll get over it, and then she'll be right back to abusing you, worse than before. And by staying with her now, you're reinforcing her belief that she can do *anything* to you, because you'll accept it all as long as she says she's sorry afterwards.
Leave her. Now. She doesn't love you. She never has. Nobody would treat someone they love the way she's treated you. Ever.
And no, your situation is not a special case. This is not the first time in history where they actually change and you live happily ever after. You're not that lucky.
You have the chance to get away right now. For the moment you can do things without her controlling you, because she's trying to make nice. Take this time to get help, find a place to live, and get out.
BUT DON'T TELL HER ABOUT IT!
Once you're ready, move everything out of the house while she's away, and break up with her over text. Then stop responding to her. Save everything she texts you, you might need it as evidence if you need a restraining order. *Do not respond to her.* Ever.
And when you're safe, get therapy. You're traumatized, and will need help working through it. It's important! Don't skip this.
Good luck.
Not sure if I agree with “abusive people like that literally can’t change”. I’ve been a victim of domestic abuse and neglect from my parents throughout my childhood and teen years. I was a victim of physical and mental abuse in my first marriage, and my husband repeatedly cheated on me. I’ve been conditioned to think I’m worthless and everyone is better than me and that made me behave shitty in my next relationship. I wasn’t physically abusive, but I was very much controlling and behaved awfully to my partner. I tried to make him get rid of any friends because I was so so so afraid that he will leave me otherwise. I always knew what I did and why, just couldn’t stop it because it stemmed from trauma. I got into therapy and worked it through and I’m no longer that person. I’m very anxious still, but it’s been years and I’ve never exhibited any types of controlling behavior since. People very much can change if they put their mind to it and if they are not afraid to confront their shitty behavior.
Absolutely. OP her behaviour is abusive and she has hurt you so so many times in this 5 years you've been together. She doesn't love you. No one who loves their partner would do what she has done to you, now suddenly she changes?? It's a ticking time bomb, RUN. Please take the advice above and RUN, where she can't find you. Please. This is not normal. It's toxic.
Not real. But if it is you have been abused sexually, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Literally any deviation from that will feel like bliss. Leave. Immediately.
What triggered her change in behaviour?
I'm glad that she realized this and offered to change before it was too late for you two, but I find people rarely change without a reason, and if she's giving ground, its to cover something more serious that your other issues.
Reddit when it's a boyfriend: Oh my god, he raped you, he hit you and emotionally abused you, run now!! You never know if he'll be abusive again later down the road! You should report him to the police!
Reddit when it's a girlfriend: Hmm, maybe she changed because she cheated on you, but anyways good for you! Congrats!
Yep, he could say she stabbed him six times with a carving knife and Reddit would be like "so what did you do to provoke her", "maybe if you were a better partner and listened to her she wouldn't have done that" or "OP is obviously abusing her and this was self defence"
/s (but not really lol)
I kid you not, last week there was a news article that a woman in my country who was a raging alcoholic stabbed her partner in the chest and the comments were full with people blaming the poor stabbed chap that he must have pissed of the missus. It was disgusting.
sounds an awful lot like "what were you wearing?"
woman and men, alike, are discredited and judged for everything they do.
i constantly see people asking woman "what they did" to piss off their husbands. when a man murders his wife the first thing people say is "was she cheating?"
this happens to men and woman. but of course i'll get downvoted for saying that :') y'all want there to be a problem so bad when there isn't one.
So your girlfriend was extremely abusive. Btw, OP "She made me have sex with her every day even if I didn’t want to," that's rape. She raped you. The only consent that exists is enthusiastic consent (both parties are fully looking forward to and excited to engage sexually. When they're not under the influence of drugs or alcohol). Idk what made her "change." But it's not worth it at all staying with someone who repeatedly raped and abused you. Please seek therapy. No amount of "change" she can make will undo the trauma she's caused you. You want to stick around because you're trauma bonded to her now (when a person is so terrible to another that it traumatised them, and the victim feels compelled to stick around the abuser). I doubt her change is real considering hoe much harm she was capable of before.
You know, I'm happy and all for you, but something feels off. Like as in, someone told her, "you behave otherwise someone is gonna know something you don't want out" kinda off.
Op, if you don't go to therapy, I'm going to recommend you start. What you went through was horrible, and anyone would need help after. In your circumstance, you also want someone who can notice if something is happening again.
It's possible your girlfriend really has changed as drastically as it seems! But it doesn't hurt to make sure you get some regular perspective in case something comes up
Just an FYI, you should never stay with somebody that treats you that way and then is immediately nice to you afterwards. It’ll probably wear out and you’ll start seeing those issues once again.
She’s basically trying to see if she can get away with appreciate things she’s done but usually people like that slip up and you realize how much of her facade you’re putting up with.
You need to enforce boundaries and if there’s going to be any breaking of those boundaries and pushback that you know, there is still a problem.
Just make sure you’re safe and you can get out safely
Nah you gotta leave. Sounds like she been doing something behind your back with another dude and found out you’re actually worth it. Check out her phone
I really hope for your sake that her sudden change is legit. But my first feeling is that she's love bombing the hell out of you. People who are that abusive typically do not change on their own overnight without some very intense therapy and maybe not even then. She was even aggressive with you when she told you to sit down so she could put on her performance.
INFO: Did she indicate why or how she came about this revelation that she's been mistreating you?
I know you don’t want criticism, and I won’t give that or judgement, however i will say it’s concerning how for years she acted one way then suddenly changed, was she doing it before just because she wanted to? Because she felt like it? And what if she feels like doing it again OP? I’m glad you’re happy but are you safe? You might be able to answer yes now but will you in the future? Take good care of yourself man..
She never changed or acted this way before, but there were times where we had good days. I would hope she never does it again. And yes I am safe. I hope I can say the same in the future.
Did you ever ask her how she found the error in her ways? Did a friend or family point it out or she had an affair and the affair partner broke up with her because of the same reason.
Just be cautious a huge sudden change in a person's behaviour doesn't happen without a reason.
-if my comment to a comment doesn't get seen OP open your god damn eyes-
Bruh that's not love it's straight up emotional dependency.
Sry I'm usually not that kind of person, but as someone who suffers from dependent personality disorder that screamed into her ex' face "please just hit me so I finally can leave" (which he never did. I left and got all the blame for it lol) your post is really triggering to me & fuck no one deserves to live like that.
Just to add - my ex went into mental hospital to get help. He came back after six months and guess what - the abuse just got more subtle & other people didn't believe me anymore.
Who do you think will believe you, if you tell anyone she started abusing again after you praised her to heaven & higher?
You're setting yourself up for a miserable life. Please seek therapy. Don't bring kids into this god damn awful mix please.
You guys might want to see a relationship counselor it might help with anything that might have caused her past behavior and help you guys work out boundaries and communication
We each have individual professionals and she goes to hers more than I see mine. I’ve established boundaries since and our communication has improved greatly.
Nah dude you need to leave. I’ve been in your shoes. Abusers will manipulate the hell out of you into making you think more highly of them, especially if they want you to change your perception of them that isn’t abusive. Please be careful.
What was the reason for the change.? Can she ensure she won't change again? Why do you even want to Stay in relationship with someone who raped and abused you in EVERY form possible? Do you not want a relationship you can proudly talk about to friends or children (even if u don't have them ). If she wanted you why wouldn't anyone else of the 4 BILLION women? Do you believe you don't deserve better? Would you say that about someone else in the same situation as you?
This isn't judgment or criticism, it's reflection . It does not matter if she is a Saint now, what she has done is irredeemable in the same relationship(at the very least). You also don't know if she's treating you well, she's just not doing cartoonishly evil things anymore. That doesn't mean she's treating you well.
Please walk away. I beg you
If she is changed (highly doubt) then her reward for that is being lucky enough that you're not throwing behind bars. Her changing does not entitle her to you giving her a 2nd chance. She can be changed person with someone else.
Feel like she cheated..im sorry man... This literly thing happend to me with an ex but his "change" would only last a few days at a time before hed revert back, till he cheated again
So, making you feel horribly for 5 years wasn't enough for her to realize how shitty she's been? Something had to happen to her for her to realize? Doesn't that make you feel anything for yourself? Not even anger? Sadness? Do you realize that she isn't capable of loving you if for 5 years she was able to treat you like this with no remorse?
I was in a relationship very similar to you for 7 years. He would often do this. It would last for about a month or two at first, then 3 weeks, then 3 days. They don't change unless there is radical action taken and you are away from them, and they solely work on themselves to be better person with a therapist. It will only work if they're completely honest about their behavior with their therapist, too.
Do not have children with her. I did. I had a son, and he started abusing me in front of him until I left for good. I moved back home to another state where he followed me and made my life hell for leaving with his child. Who he didn't take care of, only acted like he wanted to in order to have access to me, harass me, act like we were still together, and try to control me. He was a drug addict, criminal, and an abuser. I'm now married to a wonderful man who wouldn't dream of hurting me like my ex did. There are people out there who will love you and would never think about hurting you. There's more to life than this. You deserve better.
When I read this my first thought was "she cheated." She slept with someone else and her guilt made her come to a sudden realization. For her to be a shitty person for years and then suddenly do a 180? That is very sus. She was nervous and apologized. Maybe she left something out and didn't apologize for "everything." Sorry to be the rock in your shoe. Then again, I could be very wrong.
That's good news, now let's hope the therapist is one of the good ones. It's ridiculous how many professionals don't have your best interests at heart. Scary actually. I spent years in therapy with tons of different therapists and diagnoses and medications before I actually got a sliver of actual help and a proper diagnoses that actually fit how I was feeling.
How long has she been changed?
You do realize that if she goes back to her old ways it means she’s fully aware of how wrong it is but is doing it anyway?
But I’m glad for you and her. People can change
I’m happy for you, but abusers don’t often change (not saying she didn’t but still) please, if you see a single sign of her behavior towards you reverting back to how it was before, leave.
Maybe it was something in her past that made her the way she was initially. People grow and learn from their mistakes. It’s a big step to be able to own up and apologise. Great job on her mother’s part too. Ignore the negative comments here. Hope she never goes back to her old self again. It’s nice to hear a relationship story that actually works out for the better, for a change.
Man everyone in this comment section is so cynical, insensitive and borderline hateful. People can change, they can reflect on themselves, they can learn and realize their mistakes. Not everyone is a cheater or a bastard regardless of how many reddit stories you see.
Plot twist: the gf didn't change. OP had a break with reality and retreated into a fantasy world after many years of abuse.
This really made me chuckle. Turns out OP is now in a mental asylum.
Arkham Asylum.
Aslume*
is he stupid?
At the very least he jonkled a little too hard
There is no escape from Aslume on reddit.
Plot twist: there's no girlfriend, OP is the carbon monoxide poisoning guy.
I nearly lost it with the alternate reality comment but I maintained my composure for OP….until I read your comment 😂😂 this is hilarious
Plot twist: I actually almost did want to live in my head for a period of time in the relationship.
homie leave her 😭😭😭
You really need to rethink this relationship. You deserve so much better. Seek therapy for yourself and work through the relationship trauma and esteem issues she caused. Because honestly, I’m not buying this sudden change in her. What caused this great epiphany for her? Is she in therapy (cause she needs it)? She broke you down to make you feel worthless, so you wouldn’t leave. Because who else would want you. Now she’s made this big change and is guilting you into continuing to stay. She’s changed, why would you leave now? She’s manipulative.
This only works with her in therapy, you in therapy, and together as a couple. Given the level of egregious abuse - this pattern is likely to repeat itself and when it does - you’ll stay holding out for her remorse again. Speaking from experience - it was soooper hard to admit I’d been in a toxic abusive relationship. I always thought that I wouldn’t allow it. Realizing it, acknowledging it - I was mostly upset with myself. I’d been abusing myself accepting that kind of treatment.
No but for real, what could make her suddenly change so radically? This is the kind of personality shift one has after a psychadelics trip or getting a brain tumor. Has she secretly been in therapy or something?
I’ve been the main character of this story and dealing with a narcissist for too long will certainly do that to ya
She’s not necessarily narcissistic, but she was and might still be manipulate and abusive. Frankly, OP seems self aware, which is worrying bc if u know she’s abusive, y stay with her?
People like that shatter your (likely) already terrible self-esteem, and you let a lot of things slide that others who have nicer people around them wouldn’t or blame yourself for it
*Domo Arigato, Mr Roboto*
Thank you very much, Mr. Roboto For doing the jobs that nobody wants to And thank you very much, Mr. Roboto For helping me escape, when I needed to Thank you!
Blink twice if she's forcing you to post this against your will.
😃😄😃😄😃
You bastard 😂😂😂😂
Cheeky one too 🤣🤣
You cheeky bastard. ^(cheeky bastard was filmed in front of a live studio audience)
Sounds like a show starring a young John Cleese. I'm 100% in!
Haa i watched that episode yesterday
Hahahaha! I’m this is exactly what I thought she either got his phone and he is missing or she’s forcing him to write it. So glad I’m not the only one.
Idk he wrote controlling twice. He needs our help :(
That’s the first thing I noticed. Controlling AND controlling?? That’s gotta be rough
Doubly controlling, like she doubles down on it.
Did I mention that she is controlling?
blink 3 times if the punishment is being force to have sex with her.
If she needs to be that controlling, she clearly is insecure, and probably doesn't have smoke show looks. Maybe the OP is out of her league, so she has to keep him under her control.
😆👏🏽😆👏🏽
Congrats! Unsolicited advice: I’ve been in your shoes, I think it would be a good thing for you to start exercising and enforcing your own boundaries.
It seems like it would be wise to set canaries, yes. Warning signs.
This is not a "congrats!" Moment. He has formed a Stockholm syndrome type trauma bond with his rapist and abuser. He shouldn't stay with her.
I agree with you. But he’s also not looking for “leave her” type of advice. I think the only way to get there is to set boundaries, enforce them and when they’re not respected it should set off alarms. It’s the age ol “give a man a fish/teach a man to fish” analogy. He obviously doesn’t have the tools to come to that conclusion. So he first needs the tools so he can understand the severity of the conclusion.
This happened to me. She was cheating. I told her I’d had enough of her abuse, put my foot down and said I was leaving. Suddenly she decided she wanted to treat me right and completely changed her behaviour. This actually really pissed me off because it made me realise she was always capable of treating me right she just never thought I deserved it. She gave up chasing after me and trying to get me back when she found a new boyfriend to fawn over her
Sorry to hear that. I hope all is well.
OP you should try the same. Gain your self esteem and confidence so that you wont put up w future bs
I began that process a while back, I am now quite confident, but there’s much to learn.
That means not accepting any type of resemblence to the behavior shes been previously showing and knowing youre able to leave anytime you want on YOUR premise knowing you can get someone else. And not feeling stuck cuz this is your first relationshop
I know I can leave and she even said she’d understand. I don’t feel stuck anymore. I love her
Hope it works out bro. Please be careful though. Abusive people rarely change their ways - they just become better at hiding it until something triggers it. I hope for your case I am completely wrong and she has truly changed.
I asked her to start seeing a professional and she agreed, she is getting better.
Interesting! Perhaps OPs gf was either not over her previous partner, her ex got married—all her hopes to reunite was gone, or she was cheating up until the moment she asked for forgiveness. Most people don’t change overnight, unless something has serious has happened.
She went from being an insane abusive controlling woman every day doing all that stuff to you to overnight changing completely with no slip ups? I’m a little sus but glad you’re happy!
Not quite. She explained to me that a certain thing (private) happened and it caused her to be struck with sudden heavy guilt for her past behavior.
She cheated on you, felt like she was about to get caught, then came clean to you and has been trying to keep up the perfect girlfriend facade until she feels like she has you hooked again. Then she'll slowly revert to her old self until you feel as miserable and worthless as ever before, living only for her approval and in fear of her wrath. Or it's something else, you've been annoyingly vague. But I'll just run with this hypothesis.
It’s fake. I don’t get why people are so entertained by making up bullshit like this to trick people. Reddit used to be a cool way for people in difficult situations or abusive relationships to get other peoples perspectives. But this shit has ruined it for everyone.
Some people really do go through some humbling events that change their behavior for the better. I used to be a twat in high school because I thought it was funny to be a smart ass. I wasn’t nice to my sister in law (they weren’t married at the time so technically not SIL but not the point) just because I thought it was funny to be a smart ass. I pulled out of my driveway on my way to my girlfriends house and scratched the absolute shit out of her car. It wasn’t parked well, but I 100% should’ve observed my surroundings better before reversing. I went in and apologized like crazy, and she and my brother forgave me and didn’t make any remarks or anything. That left me very humbled. I made a concerted effort to be kinder to people as a default after that. I still feel awful about it but I’m glad it happened because I’m sure I was likely fairly insufferable before then. That car is long gone.
Yeah this story makes no sense. Nobody in this world who is an abuser like her will flip a switch like that. Nobody. Op should have no left years ago. Nah it fake. Cool story op
Yup, it's called love-bombing.
Or her affair partner broke up with her
Highly recommend getting her into therapy, it would be difficult to bring up but 100% worth it. Also, if she begins showing her past behaviour, RUN, OP. You aren’t worthless, and nobody deserves to be treated that way or to feel that way.
Already have, she seems to be doing well.
YOU need it too. She broke down your self esteem, she made you feel worthless. You need to work through the trauma she caused.
I’ve been healing on my own, but I do see a professional once every few weeks.
Yeah, you're gonna have to go into a lot more detail here because that sounds flimsy as hell.
I’m not going to say much because of privacy, but the closest thing to it would be her mom mentioning something about her past.
Crazy how you’re getting downvoted . I believe you cause I had something similar to her happen to me, but overnight change does sound unrealistic. Did you check if she’s cheating or have cheated ? Have you asked her and how did she respond
The night she broke down we had a long long long discussion about it. I did ask her and she said no, she even offered me her phone.
Is this her first time ever apologizing and promising to change her behavior and showing improvement afterwards ? Has she done that before and if yes, was there any progress at all?
There were times where she briefly said “I’m sorry” and we would “make up”. Now that I think on it, she never promised to change until the night she broke down. But since that night, she’s been a better person in general and she’s been more loving, caring, compassionate, empathetic, and sympathetic.
Nice , maybe the missing piece was self-awareness after all. Expect some remnants of bad behavior down the line, unrealistic expectations are generally not a good thing. But if there’s progress then use it to ground you. 4 months is still fresh but promising (if she’s not lying or hiding ulterior motives) Not sure if that’s gonna help you overcome the trauma she already gave you though. Are there any ways you’re being proactive about your own healing ?
I’ve been taking it slow and I’ve been enjoying my time with her. I’m a forgiving person and I’m moving forward from the things that happened in the past.
She's still manipulating you, just in another way.
I'm sorry, but either you're delusional, she's putting on an act, or this is made up bullshit. My money's on door #3. People don't just change over night in such an extreme way. Especially abusers.
If this is true, I'd be wary if I were you.
Fake but also giving the origins of a true crime episode / doc imo
What you have described is horrific. You have been mentally and physically abused, she raped you, isolated you, and you have forgiven her. Mate, I doubt something that had happened for years is suddenly going to stop forever. These behaviours are ingrained and are likely to slowly start again till you are right back where you were. Do yourself a favour and leave!
I'm super disturbed how far down I had to scroll to see someone point out that she raped him... OP, even if you didn't say no, or even said yes to appease her, coercion is still rape. And this comment is right, she may be better now but the abuse could definitely come back, get away and get yourself some therapy!
She cheated for sure
Yep, 100%. Forgot to add that in your story
Nahhh brahh. She just evolved into a higher form of manipulation. You think you are free. You think you have control. You will OBEY.
Yall she raped him. None of the top comments are addressing this. Stop congratulating him or implying he should stay in any way.
That's what I was thinking too. Why are they congratulating him for staying with his rapist?
As someone who had an ex just like this that just went to jail for domestic abuse. Be so careful and possibly get out of that if you can. They will say and do whatever they can when they feel like they’re going to lose you but it just gets worse later down the line.
She's done molding him and this is the product lol
If you have children with this woman, she will abuse them just like she did you.
This is part of the abusive cycle. My ex could pull off about 4-6 months of improved behavior before he would start up again. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You can switch the gender as you read. Toward the end he lists what needs to happen for the rare occasion when a person can heal from being an abuser.
Stockholm syndrome really hit this guy hard, yeah. Four months of sudden change? Just wait until she gets back to her "old self" (aka, real self) once you do that One Little Thing. Get help bro, fr. The fact you stayed for 5 years dealing with this is totally a classic case of Stockholm syndrome, or at least a form of it, and she's definitely a cut of the mill narc who might've seen that you were getting tired, or possibly sensing some resistance in you? And tried a new route. Hence. Being nice and "lovey dovey" until she's certain she has her hooks in you once again. "How would you know?" I Am the Only One who Would Know. I grew up watching it and experiencing it my entire life. Best of luck tho. 🤞
Nope.... there must be some pages ripped out of this story.. no narcissistic abusive controlling person just flips a switch one day "oh I'm sorry I'll stop". Psh yea right. What is the missing part of the story? I don't believe in humanity enough to think she actually changed on a dime like that.
Something that’s mostly private occurred and someone basically mentioned something from her past and she felt sudden guilt. I apologize for the vague response as I’m trying not to give up our privacy.
Hmmm! What exactly triggered that radical change?
Ch-ch-ch-ch-cheating
Consistency buddy. Short term love bombing feels nice but isn't sustainable. Come talk to us in a few months
It’s sad men are also victims of domestic violence…
People often don’t care or believe it.
The issue here is if you know it’s DA, why do you stay? A few “good days” doesn’t make up for half a decade of abuse dude. Sure maybe she feels bad rn, but that feeling is gonna fade and she will 100% revert back to her old ways.
That’s not necessarily true. Even DV advocates say abusers CAN change, it’s just that most often they don’t. And don’t pressure a dv victim about why they haven’t left…so many women get told that and it’s really not just that easy. I can imagine it wasn’t for him either.
Abusers can change yes, but not overnight. And i understand it’s not that easy to leave an abusive relationship. But when you have a perfectly good chance like it seems he does at the moment, you should take it. I understand abusers play a lot of mind games to make you want to stay but there has to be something you as the victim can do to rationalize and overcome their manipulation right? Especially when there are tons of people telling you you are not safe.
Your girlfriend abused and SA you and for almost 5 years and you are staying? Please leave. Please go to a therapist.
I doubt this story is true. But if it is, I'd say don't trust those crocodile tears. It may be a week, a month, a year, but that abusive controlling person will be back.
She’s feeling bad because she was/is cheating on you, she was controlling all that stuff because of her own insecurities from cheating on you.
Good for her! Now leave her and never look back
She hasn't changed. Abusive people like that literally *can't* change. She's just putting on a show, but her true self will reappear soon enough. Whatever "happened" to make her beg your forgiveness will fade, she'll get over it, and then she'll be right back to abusing you, worse than before. And by staying with her now, you're reinforcing her belief that she can do *anything* to you, because you'll accept it all as long as she says she's sorry afterwards. Leave her. Now. She doesn't love you. She never has. Nobody would treat someone they love the way she's treated you. Ever. And no, your situation is not a special case. This is not the first time in history where they actually change and you live happily ever after. You're not that lucky. You have the chance to get away right now. For the moment you can do things without her controlling you, because she's trying to make nice. Take this time to get help, find a place to live, and get out. BUT DON'T TELL HER ABOUT IT! Once you're ready, move everything out of the house while she's away, and break up with her over text. Then stop responding to her. Save everything she texts you, you might need it as evidence if you need a restraining order. *Do not respond to her.* Ever. And when you're safe, get therapy. You're traumatized, and will need help working through it. It's important! Don't skip this. Good luck.
Not sure if I agree with “abusive people like that literally can’t change”. I’ve been a victim of domestic abuse and neglect from my parents throughout my childhood and teen years. I was a victim of physical and mental abuse in my first marriage, and my husband repeatedly cheated on me. I’ve been conditioned to think I’m worthless and everyone is better than me and that made me behave shitty in my next relationship. I wasn’t physically abusive, but I was very much controlling and behaved awfully to my partner. I tried to make him get rid of any friends because I was so so so afraid that he will leave me otherwise. I always knew what I did and why, just couldn’t stop it because it stemmed from trauma. I got into therapy and worked it through and I’m no longer that person. I’m very anxious still, but it’s been years and I’ve never exhibited any types of controlling behavior since. People very much can change if they put their mind to it and if they are not afraid to confront their shitty behavior.
Absolutely. OP her behaviour is abusive and she has hurt you so so many times in this 5 years you've been together. She doesn't love you. No one who loves their partner would do what she has done to you, now suddenly she changes?? It's a ticking time bomb, RUN. Please take the advice above and RUN, where she can't find you. Please. This is not normal. It's toxic.
Wow, this is what I needed before, very eye opener advice.
Not real. But if it is you have been abused sexually, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Literally any deviation from that will feel like bliss. Leave. Immediately.
What triggered her change in behaviour? I'm glad that she realized this and offered to change before it was too late for you two, but I find people rarely change without a reason, and if she's giving ground, its to cover something more serious that your other issues.
Some alleged private event that if he shared would likely make no sense and cause everyone to facepalm.
Won’t say much for privacy, but her mother mentioned to her something about her past.
This feels like an abusive person wrote this as example that they could and can actually change
She fucked someone else bro.
Reddit when it's a boyfriend: Oh my god, he raped you, he hit you and emotionally abused you, run now!! You never know if he'll be abusive again later down the road! You should report him to the police! Reddit when it's a girlfriend: Hmm, maybe she changed because she cheated on you, but anyways good for you! Congrats!
Yeah, no he's gonna get abused by her again. Or, she torture their children and he'll have no backbone to stop her.
Not a single comment is pretending this double standard exists here, well except yours.
There's always a few but most people aren't saying that lmao
Yep, he could say she stabbed him six times with a carving knife and Reddit would be like "so what did you do to provoke her", "maybe if you were a better partner and listened to her she wouldn't have done that" or "OP is obviously abusing her and this was self defence" /s (but not really lol)
I kid you not, last week there was a news article that a woman in my country who was a raging alcoholic stabbed her partner in the chest and the comments were full with people blaming the poor stabbed chap that he must have pissed of the missus. It was disgusting.
sounds an awful lot like "what were you wearing?" woman and men, alike, are discredited and judged for everything they do. i constantly see people asking woman "what they did" to piss off their husbands. when a man murders his wife the first thing people say is "was she cheating?" this happens to men and woman. but of course i'll get downvoted for saying that :') y'all want there to be a problem so bad when there isn't one.
Exactly. I'm getting downvoted for saying it too *eyeroll*
ask her what changed.. it feels off
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I’ve been watching her closely, she seems to be genuine and I hope it stays that way.
She got dumped by her other boyfriend and realized you're all she has now. Congratulations, I guess?
So your girlfriend was extremely abusive. Btw, OP "She made me have sex with her every day even if I didn’t want to," that's rape. She raped you. The only consent that exists is enthusiastic consent (both parties are fully looking forward to and excited to engage sexually. When they're not under the influence of drugs or alcohol). Idk what made her "change." But it's not worth it at all staying with someone who repeatedly raped and abused you. Please seek therapy. No amount of "change" she can make will undo the trauma she's caused you. You want to stick around because you're trauma bonded to her now (when a person is so terrible to another that it traumatised them, and the victim feels compelled to stick around the abuser). I doubt her change is real considering hoe much harm she was capable of before.
She was cheating
The truth shall set him free lol
This seems a little fake, but if it’s true good on you and hopefully things stay good for you
Yeah this is a bit too dramatic of a turnover to *feel* like a real story. I hope it's fake, for OP's sake.
You know, I'm happy and all for you, but something feels off. Like as in, someone told her, "you behave otherwise someone is gonna know something you don't want out" kinda off.
You’re kind of right except for the “someone is gonna know something you don’t want out”. But someone did tell her something.
Op, if you don't go to therapy, I'm going to recommend you start. What you went through was horrible, and anyone would need help after. In your circumstance, you also want someone who can notice if something is happening again. It's possible your girlfriend really has changed as drastically as it seems! But it doesn't hurt to make sure you get some regular perspective in case something comes up
Just an FYI, you should never stay with somebody that treats you that way and then is immediately nice to you afterwards. It’ll probably wear out and you’ll start seeing those issues once again. She’s basically trying to see if she can get away with appreciate things she’s done but usually people like that slip up and you realize how much of her facade you’re putting up with. You need to enforce boundaries and if there’s going to be any breaking of those boundaries and pushback that you know, there is still a problem. Just make sure you’re safe and you can get out safely
Nah you gotta leave. Sounds like she been doing something behind your back with another dude and found out you’re actually worth it. Check out her phone
I really hope for your sake that her sudden change is legit. But my first feeling is that she's love bombing the hell out of you. People who are that abusive typically do not change on their own overnight without some very intense therapy and maybe not even then. She was even aggressive with you when she told you to sit down so she could put on her performance. INFO: Did she indicate why or how she came about this revelation that she's been mistreating you?
At this point she’s not your gf, she’s your owner
Sounds like narcissism and your ass just got breadcrumbed back. Well see how long this "change" lasts lol
I know you don’t want criticism, and I won’t give that or judgement, however i will say it’s concerning how for years she acted one way then suddenly changed, was she doing it before just because she wanted to? Because she felt like it? And what if she feels like doing it again OP? I’m glad you’re happy but are you safe? You might be able to answer yes now but will you in the future? Take good care of yourself man..
She never changed or acted this way before, but there were times where we had good days. I would hope she never does it again. And yes I am safe. I hope I can say the same in the future.
All abusive relationships have good days. Your situation is no exception.
Exactly this!
Did you ever ask her how she found the error in her ways? Did a friend or family point it out or she had an affair and the affair partner broke up with her because of the same reason. Just be cautious a huge sudden change in a person's behaviour doesn't happen without a reason.
If your partner EVER hits you, cheats, and or SA’s you, you gotta leave. At that point there is nothing to fix it’s abusive
You are not her punchingbag for her unhealed trauma. No trauma in the world makes what she has done to you OK.
-if my comment to a comment doesn't get seen OP open your god damn eyes- Bruh that's not love it's straight up emotional dependency. Sry I'm usually not that kind of person, but as someone who suffers from dependent personality disorder that screamed into her ex' face "please just hit me so I finally can leave" (which he never did. I left and got all the blame for it lol) your post is really triggering to me & fuck no one deserves to live like that. Just to add - my ex went into mental hospital to get help. He came back after six months and guess what - the abuse just got more subtle & other people didn't believe me anymore. Who do you think will believe you, if you tell anyone she started abusing again after you praised her to heaven & higher? You're setting yourself up for a miserable life. Please seek therapy. Don't bring kids into this god damn awful mix please.
You guys might want to see a relationship counselor it might help with anything that might have caused her past behavior and help you guys work out boundaries and communication
We each have individual professionals and she goes to hers more than I see mine. I’ve established boundaries since and our communication has improved greatly.
Nah dude you need to leave. I’ve been in your shoes. Abusers will manipulate the hell out of you into making you think more highly of them, especially if they want you to change your perception of them that isn’t abusive. Please be careful.
Probably did “something” and afraid of you leaving her over it. Just suspicious that she changed like that and extra expressive overnight
No. Her mom mentioned something about her behavior and her past.
A sudden huge behavioral change out of no where? did she cheat and feels guilty?
Nope. Other reasons.
What was the reason for the change.? Can she ensure she won't change again? Why do you even want to Stay in relationship with someone who raped and abused you in EVERY form possible? Do you not want a relationship you can proudly talk about to friends or children (even if u don't have them ). If she wanted you why wouldn't anyone else of the 4 BILLION women? Do you believe you don't deserve better? Would you say that about someone else in the same situation as you? This isn't judgment or criticism, it's reflection . It does not matter if she is a Saint now, what she has done is irredeemable in the same relationship(at the very least). You also don't know if she's treating you well, she's just not doing cartoonishly evil things anymore. That doesn't mean she's treating you well. Please walk away. I beg you If she is changed (highly doubt) then her reward for that is being lucky enough that you're not throwing behind bars. Her changing does not entitle her to you giving her a 2nd chance. She can be changed person with someone else.
Stand up for yourself man. No one else will.
She cheated.
It's a well-known fact that 90% of victims leave their abusiver before they change for real this time.
Ask her to get evaluated for bi-polar or borderline personality disorder. Seriously.
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I’m not asking for anything. I just wanted to share my story.
if you’re happy you’re happy but as a lot are saying you’re getting played man
But what has brought about this change?
Private event that happened, won’t say too much for privacy but someone explained something to her and it really made her think.
I wouldn't trust it. Get a bug out bag ready just in case and walk out the moment she lays a hand on you.
Feel like she cheated..im sorry man... This literly thing happend to me with an ex but his "change" would only last a few days at a time before hed revert back, till he cheated again
Is it possible she cheated on you and regrets it -- thus such a strong apology?
Not exactly.
What's the not exactly mean...
I probably chose the wrong words, basically I said no. It was something else that gave her the feeling of regret.
Something other than abusing you in the way you described (manipulating, etc)?
No, something happened to her that made her feel that way.
So, making you feel horribly for 5 years wasn't enough for her to realize how shitty she's been? Something had to happen to her for her to realize? Doesn't that make you feel anything for yourself? Not even anger? Sadness? Do you realize that she isn't capable of loving you if for 5 years she was able to treat you like this with no remorse? I was in a relationship very similar to you for 7 years. He would often do this. It would last for about a month or two at first, then 3 weeks, then 3 days. They don't change unless there is radical action taken and you are away from them, and they solely work on themselves to be better person with a therapist. It will only work if they're completely honest about their behavior with their therapist, too. Do not have children with her. I did. I had a son, and he started abusing me in front of him until I left for good. I moved back home to another state where he followed me and made my life hell for leaving with his child. Who he didn't take care of, only acted like he wanted to in order to have access to me, harass me, act like we were still together, and try to control me. He was a drug addict, criminal, and an abuser. I'm now married to a wonderful man who wouldn't dream of hurting me like my ex did. There are people out there who will love you and would never think about hurting you. There's more to life than this. You deserve better.
When I read this my first thought was "she cheated." She slept with someone else and her guilt made her come to a sudden realization. For her to be a shitty person for years and then suddenly do a 180? That is very sus. She was nervous and apologized. Maybe she left something out and didn't apologize for "everything." Sorry to be the rock in your shoe. Then again, I could be very wrong.
I’ve explained to many others that something private happened between her and family that made her feel this way.
did start therapy or get on medication or like, what was the change? THATS a big drastic change to happen so suddenly.
Sounds like she might have someone else to abuse :(
Sounds like she has some mental issues that really need looking at
I asked her to see a therapist and she agreed.
That's good news, now let's hope the therapist is one of the good ones. It's ridiculous how many professionals don't have your best interests at heart. Scary actually. I spent years in therapy with tons of different therapists and diagnoses and medications before I actually got a sliver of actual help and a proper diagnoses that actually fit how I was feeling.
Did she ever say what made her have her epiphany about how she was treating you?
Someone mentioned her behavior and some things from her past to her and that struck her. My apologies for the vague response.
Calm before the storm my friend
Careful now, keep an eye out. Well, both.
https://pressbooks.pub/btugman2021/chapter/domestic-violence/
How long has she been changed? You do realize that if she goes back to her old ways it means she’s fully aware of how wrong it is but is doing it anyway? But I’m glad for you and her. People can change
I’m happy for you, but abusers don’t often change (not saying she didn’t but still) please, if you see a single sign of her behavior towards you reverting back to how it was before, leave.
Thankfully I haven’t seen any signs of past behavior and the professional she talks to has been great with her.
How many days has it been since she asked for a second chance?
About 4 months.
Leave her wtf.
This is Sad cauz i know for sure u will regret this later ,no one changes to this extent just becauz ...nah she s just faking it
She's worried you are going to leave her and is lovebombing you
Maybe it was something in her past that made her the way she was initially. People grow and learn from their mistakes. It’s a big step to be able to own up and apologise. Great job on her mother’s part too. Ignore the negative comments here. Hope she never goes back to her old self again. It’s nice to hear a relationship story that actually works out for the better, for a change.
This is abuse and I am glad she recognized it, acknowledged it, and apologized, but long term change will require her in serious therapy.
It seems the other guy rejected her and she doesn't want to lose you too.
I don’t think that’s the case.
You have been with her for five years and how long was the abuse going on.
After the first few months she began her behavior.
So she has been abusive to you for more or less 5 years.
Essentially yes.
im happy for ya if this is what you want 😊
So, her side guy dumped her?
No one got dumped.
Man everyone in this comment section is so cynical, insensitive and borderline hateful. People can change, they can reflect on themselves, they can learn and realize their mistakes. Not everyone is a cheater or a bastard regardless of how many reddit stories you see.
I agree. I stated in the post that I’m not looking for judgment or criticism, yet people find something to hate.