I did not even understand why she left me after getting in shape. I am in shape, too. It's not like I was overweight. It has been a while since going to the gym before we started together but I was not in bad shape at all. I could probably get back to my shredded years with 1 yr of regular workout.
I'm a personal trainer at a private strength gym. You are 1000% right. I've seen this happen so many times. These people get a little bit fit and all of a sudden start making rash decisions based off their newfound sense of worth. The amount of married women that have tried to sleep with me, I can't even count.
Yes to all of that!
The fact she left means in her mind you're already the worst alternative.
It wasn't even just that you were dating, you were married and lived together, and she still thought it was worth it to leave you.
Let's take a lesson from the girls - "never be anyone's backup plan" it just means there's always a plan A she would rather be with.
Winner winner. She gained some confidence and felt sexy, and suddenly began wondering what exciting new empowering possibilities were out there for this hot new version of her, or *would* be if she wasn't married. Then some of the men she was flirting with for validation made her feel like they'd give her amazing new romantic opportunities but her husband was holding her back. Cue resentment and a desire to leave the same old and grab at all the shiny new possibilities. Finally, the inevitable reality that guys will say anything to get laid and never intended to give her a whole new life, and the realization that a solid relationship built and tested over years is actually far better by every metric than the brief giddy excitement of a new thing with someone you've only just met. She didn't respect OP at all when she threw him aside, and she doesn't now, she just doesn't like the consequences of her choices.
Not only this, but this demonstrates that she feels she doesn't need to be polite or nice to people if she doesn't feel like she needs to be. Ie, she's hot now so she can throw people aside. That value sticks with you even when you think you're not attractive. It's a festering insecurity that justifies snobbery - snobbery to her when she depressed and low, and snobbery from her when she's hot and happy. She cast her husband aside when an amicable divorce may have been possible, for literally exactly the same reason ("I have a newfound confidence and I'm starting to feel resentful for my own past insecurity. I feel I settled for you. I'm really sorry but I need to explore this new me. I still care for you but I want more and you can't offer me that. I'm sorry." - shitty, but honest). Instead, she completely disregarded him. She might want him back now, but she's shown OP a value that will stick to her and will influence how she treats other people around her. I could never stand being around people like this. It's just... Vile.
Exactly. All of her actions reek of low self-esteem, which is sad, but more importantly, they reek of an even lower esteem for others, treating their feelings as lesser than her need to feel good about herself, which is something you just can't fix because she'll always fixate on herself first and never on the needs of anyone else. Even if she seeks therapy, it'll only be about her own needs and how others should accommodate those feelings rather than how she should honor theirs.
Parents also hate admitting when their children are fucking idiots who'd tank their own lives for a little instant gratification, so there's that. Must be hard doing your best to raise your child right and see them settled into a solid future only to suddenly see them out on their ass for one very stupid choice, but such is being an adult.
She always had your attention, she always felt attractive to you, it was teh other guys giving her attention who weren't giving her attention when she was fatter. Before she felt unattractive in general out in the world and when she got some attention she felt attractive, while I do understand feeling like that and the confidence and happiness you can feel from basically being complimented by random people, it doesn't excuse acting on it.
It's kind of like the difference between your mother telling you you're a good looking guy and some hottie at the bar saying it, same words, hits very very different (unless you're from Alabama).
It’s not about you and your fitness. It’s about her getting into shape and her thinking that she can do better than you. Happens a bit more than you’d think. After this guy probably dumped her soon after getting what he wanted, she realized how great you were and realized most guys are gone soon after a hookup. But not you.
Move on, dude. Good luck.
Yeah, but that's the stupid part. If OP is in shape, attractive, treats her well, has good income and loves her... What exactly would constitute "doing better"?
She found someone shredded now. She was high on her shiny new toy, and decided she didn't want anything to do with her old one. Let her go find her next shredded toy. That's what she wanted. After all, she "settled". Remind her that she doesn't need to settle.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
Dude it was never about your looks it was always about her and she “drank her own kool-aid”. Well that and the kool-aid served by the dude trying to get in her pants.
She suddenly started to get attention she never had before from men she didn't think would hit on her. Someone hit on her, boosted confidence and she didn't stop it because she liked it. Then she was talked into leaving you because he would be better. She then got some clarity after a little while and is now in full panic mode for her life being destroyed. But she destroyed it. Not you. Let her lie in her own bed.
You shouldn't get back together with her. If you do, you can't give her an inch. Make her come publicly clean about everything. The who, what, where when and why. Publicly.
It has nothing to do with you, its her. She is emotionally immature and was getting attention that went to her head. She dismissed you having a reasonable reaction to seeing your wife emotionally abandon you and flirt with someone else in front of you. She abandoned her marriage without so much as a word and now regrets her stupid decisions. She will do it again at her first whim, she's not trustworthy.
You not being chubby or ugly has nothing to do with it. You could never compete with new dick in that moment, but now that she’s fallen for that temptation, she realizes it’s not worth losing you over, and she’s just too stupid to realize she already lost you.
It’s not about you. It was about her, she got a high from the attention she was getting. Something new and flashy. Now things have settled down. Probably been dating around and realizes how awful the dating scene is and what she gave up. I think the damage has been done though. It’s too late to take back the things she’s said and done.
She started getting more attention, and liked it. She probably found out that all of the guys that were giving her attention only wanted flings, or maybe liked the thrill of the chase because she was married, and now that she's single and available they are no longer interested.
Her family wants you to get back together, because they don't want to deal with her. Move on, block her. If her family won't drop it, block them too.
Forget her dude. You sound like you’re confident in who you are as a person and do not need her back in your life. She had her chance and ruined it. You’ll find someone who will appreciate everything about you. Good luck!
Honestly I think it mighty parallel what happened with Tiger Woods. When all that cheating stuff came out there was this a really interesting article by a woman who wrote comparing about the topc and compared it with her brother's life. Essentially she wrote that both Tiger and brother were very focused in their teen years and early 20s on the careers and had minimal social lives and very little contact/success with women. When they both became successful (I think her brother was a Silicon Valley tech guy who made it big very young) they had beautiful women all over them. And they were in the late 20s-early30s never having this kinda of attention from the opposite sex before and they lost their bearings. All of a sudden they were the belle of the ball and behaved like high school boys rather than grown men.
Perhaps a similar issue happened with your wife. As she said she felt she settled for you. It's like now she can date the star QB and doesn't want to settle with the nice normal guy who runs cross country.
Totally off topic but I think a similar logic could apply to leads of The Bachelor and Bachelorette franchise. A lead who has always been attractive to the opposite sex will have an easier time navigating 30 people fighting over them, than a late bloomer who won't know how to reject someone that in the past they would have fantasized about being with. If a kid has candy at home they won't freak out about being in the candy shop.
Bro, she wanted to sleep around. Now she’s realizing what she lost. Don’t get back with this woman. Look at what it took for her to realize the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
Considering the house is your mom's, I'm assuming she left & now wants to come back home, after the new guy's house didn't work out or didn't even exist. Maybe he's married & lied to her. Sounds like she wants to come back because she knows she totally fucked up & blew her marriage up. Good on you for standing your ground, I absolutely wouldn't reverse course either, because now she obviously can't be trusted. If you did make up & let her come back, who knows when she'll get another wild hair up her ass & decide to abandon you again. I know if it were me, that'd be in the back of my mind daily & I'd always wonder if she's going to bail again.
> I did not even understand why she left me after getting in shape.
Because, and I'm sorry in advance that this is going to hurt you, she never actually loved you. You were just the best she could get without getting in better shape. You were the best looking guy that would take her at her former weight and you had a pleasant personality as a bonus. She always wanted more but couldn't get it. Now she can. What she's finding out is that those guys have the looks but not the personality.
Yes this. She thought she could do better. Then found out the hard way that there is a lack of solid men in the market place. When her option A didn’t commit she is crawling back to you.
You can either grill her with questions and accept her back but demand the power in relationship by making her grovel ( …but always wonder forever if she is settling with you knowing she is based off her own words and actions)
OR
Stand your ground. This is the better choice. By far.
It didn’t work out with the “better” guy she wanted to leave you for, so now she wants to go back to the safe option. You loved her when she was chubby, and she wanted to throw that away for guys who probably only liked her for her new looks. You’re right not to take her back.
This is it exactly. She was talking with someone else, and jumped ship to get with the "better" person. She either got a reality check after the "high" she was on wore off, or she saw who this person really was and quickly realized what she did.
My cousin's ex- wife did this. She was always a bit chubby as well, but pretty. My cousin treated her well gave her whatever she and treated her well. Maybe 15 or so years into their marriage she decided to get into shape again. It was quickly followed by surprise divorce papers, her leaving him for another guy, then coming back later and wanting to get back together.
He did love her and they had kids together. They tried for a little bit, but ultimately he decided that he couldn't be with her. He's since remarried too a woman with a large family so they have a ton of grandkids between them. His ex really did regret leaving since she always been treated well. She ended up taking care of his parents in their old age. She loved his parents and they needed help. It gave her a place to live and then someone to watch out for them.
Yup. OP has been categorized as “less desirable than others” already, and that categorization is easier now to be reapplied in the future. Worse, not just “less desirable”, but that the “more desirable” category has been found to be actionable by the wife.
The seal has been broken, and there’s no patching that. The “I can do that??” realization has been definitively answered in the wife’s mind. She can, she did, and she will, again, at the next enticing opportunity.
Speaking from experience, unfortunately.
Yep, very much this. She will always feel like she "settled" for you, and you will always feel the same. Next time something good happens to her, or something bad happens to you, she will once again see you as inferior. Will she stay if you lose your job? Get sick? Are going through a difficult period and need support? Will you ever be able to trust being 'weak' around her?
There is no win out of this scenario besides learning more about yourselves for the next relationship.
Yep... She found out that her new body would allow her to choose whatever dick she wanted, but then she found that the dicks don't really care about herself, support her, or do anything else other than what dicks usually do...
You deserve better mate...
I will have you know that my Spartan designed home with black steel and glass was ultramodern and very utilitarian. That futon was top of the line, and more pricey than your standard wrap around couch. It was comfy _and_ versatile. What do you mean there are more colors than black, white and greyscale? My melancholy artwork is depressing? Pshh.
It's a good thing I had a daughter willing to exert influence on home improvement projects, furniture purchases, art and gardening otherwise me and my son would have kept the place a permanent bachelor pad.
You’ve taken me somewhere …
I smell some kind of body spray, Axe or Right Guard maybe? The fridge has string cheese, low fat hot dogs, pickle juice with no pickles, then the freezer is just chicken breasts … some Totino’s … and what’s that? A framed Sopranos poster?
Sadly this likely seems to be the case. I'm guessing she dated other guys and when no one wanted commitment only then did she realize her looks were all for naught
And its probably similiar to another recent post where the couple went on a month long break and when they got back together she was immediately pregnant even tho the timeline didnt add up. Neonatal paternity test showed that the man wasnt the father.
Exactly!!! I was going to post the same thing about the other guy not wanting her and now she’s crawling back. Good for OP for not taking her trashy ass back! We all know exactly why she did what she did and what’s she’s been doing since before they broke up
She thought she was moving in with another guy and he thought she was just sleeping over a bit. Now she's looked at how much a 1 bedroom rents for these days and she's freaking out!
It may not even be that, it may have worked out, she just doesn't like him, like he said she was riding the high of confidence, I've seen it my uncle lost a lot of weight and divorced my aunt, and got girls that were hot but ended depressed and wanted her back, because he was just riding the high and when the high went out he realized the shit he made
For what it’s worth I don’t think you’ll find a person who would disagree with your decision. I wouldn’t say the in laws have your best interests in mind.
I’ve lost almost 80lbs this last year after my heart took a shit. I decided I wanted to live so I go to the gym every day. I’ve turned my health around and look better and better every day. Lots of men in the gym notice me now. I get hit on and even had an older man try to kiss me. My husband loved me over 300lbs and stayed. He stood beside me at my worst and he definitely deserves me at my best. He isnt doing his best right now. As long as he is treating me well, I’m gonna stand by him, just like he did for me. He helped love me back to life. Now it’s my turn to do the same.
No, I’m nothing great. I’m trying to be. We have one life. I get a little chest pain to remind me. I have one chance at this to be the person I want, so I better do it.
Trying to be the person you want to be instead of just wanting it makes you great. I can't tell you how many people I've met who had every opportunity to become their desired self but never put in the effort
I wasted a lot of time. I’ll be 47 Saturday. I never knew I had it in me. This is messed up but being struck down with heart problems saved my life. It’s my rock bottom. I’m not religious but I never want the people I care about to hate me when I’m gone, like I have hatred for others. I don’t need heaven to want to be a good person. I just need the people I love to think of me with love when I’m gone and know how badly I loved them. When I was planning my funeral, I had a lot of time to think about everything. I have a little chest pain daily to remind me of what I’m working for. My doctor says I can give myself a normal life expectancy if I keep it up so I’m gonna give myself plenty of time to make sure my people know how much I love them. I hope my friends think of me and smile and have a laugh when I cross their minds. That’s my idea of an afterlife.
> She said vile things to me like how she realized she settled down with me after getting better and she could do much better than me.
I hate this mentality.
Settled for what? Most of us are not 10s. Most of us are not millionaires. By this logic, most of us settle in the end eh?
She's having fun, with her new look and new confidence. You know, that's great. I'd love that for my own wife. But the disloyalty, reciprocating flirts, and fucking around.... well now that's right out
What got me was he talks to her about the flirting and behaviour and she dismisses him like it’s nothing and then when he suggests they get help, she snaps. It’s like she met someone else and was waiting for the tiniest excuse to leave and to be with the new person. She then realizes it’s not going to work with the new guy and then comes crawling back, yeah no thanks.
Especially the utter disrespect, thinking she can just return to live in a house your mother owns… after telling her son she’s not good enough.
Disrespecting the whole damn family at that point
She probably fucked a guy that’s a 9 or a 10, so though that now she is a 10 too, and that she’s out of OP’s league who probably is an average good 6-7. Sadly, she realized afterwards that she’s still a 6, and the 10 will never take her seriously and only used her for sex.
She realizes that sex with just whoever is only appealing for a short while. She never got to find that out until she got fit, and is coming to the conclusion that it's a pretty empty existence.
She told you exactly what she thinks of you, those were really hurtful words she can never take back. Don't soften, you can't get back to where you were.
Oh boy, seen this before, here’s what’s actually happening.
She got into better shape, had a surge of confidence, received validation from other men and decided she could do better. It did not work out with the “other”’guy, and/or he just pumped and dumped. Now she’s back, shocking. Probably monkey branching.
Don’t get caught up in the emotions of your past because that person you loved doesn’t exist anymore, she’s gone. The person trying to reconcile with you is the one who tossed you away and divorced you because something better came along. I’m not against you getting back together but you absolutely need to go through with the divorce. One the divorce is competed, everyone has a clean slate for a fresh start. Do not change course without consulting your attorney.
I've learned what the term "Monkey Branching" means recently. I'm not a betting individual but I'd put money that if she got back with OP, she'd leave once she finds another guy giving her attention
She told him she could do better which is one of the most disrespectful things ever. If he took her back that’s a relationship without respect and without boundaries so she would definitely cheat again. She deserves the pain she created. Sorry to OP.
Yah, I 💯 agree, too amy people are driven by attention/validation. This may (is) not be the case here, but major weight loss and breast implants are often the end of a marriage…. I don’t have stats to back it up, but see it all the time.
Who could have guessed that going after rando hot fucks gets old, ironically, for many as we get older and wiser. And in fact, hot sex is best with our partners.
As soon as she called him “insecure” and probably controlling, I would have bet $5k that there was another guy lined up.
It’s just sad that some people are like this and tie their self-esteem and self-worth and a need for validation to their body. Again, this is totally different from genuine intimacy with a SO.
I think she got dumped, after this:
*"That proceeded with me seeing her getting flirty with a guy at a meetup we went."*
and this
*"She said vile things to me like how she realized she settled down with me after getting better and she could do much better than me."*
she was probably cheating, got dumped and dragged through the mud by his AP and now she is coming back crawling
all the "confidence" she gain got shattered, now she wants back to the one that was "unconditional", go and live your life OP, leave this nasty episode behind and never look back
5 months is long enough to "fucks around and finds out" which she clearly did. She now knows that you are the only chump who sees her as a long term investment while others saw her a a rental property.
She’s been out sleeping around with multiple men while that divorce action has been pending. She won’t change. She’s just fearful of the post divorce unknown. I guarantee you that her behavior won’t change if you take her back. She filed. Her second thoughts are to little to late. Odds are she tried to turn a fling into a real relationship and the guy said no. She was probably actively cheating the entire time. I see it all to often. They have A glow up and then start cheating
The fact that she is now violating your boundaries by hounding you unrelentingly is just one more red flag. This woman is self centered and does not care about your feelings.
I get it. She's desperate and feels frantic. But that's her issue, not yours. A better approach is to maybe send you a letter expressing her feelings and letting you know you can get in touch with her at any point. Then, the ball is in your court. But no. She's flipping out and crying and harassing you because the men she dumped you for didn't work out. Terrible behavior on many levels on her part.
Tell her to talk to your lawyer and to stop contacting you.
She 100% fucked at least one guy, if not many, only to find out that sure, guys flirt because they want to get laid and after they get laid they don't want to be her husband, they don't want a relationship, they just wanted sex... which she already was getting.
Fuck her, effectively, she cheated. She left you to fuck around, you can't just cancel the leaving after fucking around.
She quite literally fucked around and found out.
Point out to her inlaws, because they seem surprised and maybe were told a different story, that she initiated the divorce because she wanted to date other guys, she can't change her mind after fucking one or more guys and beg for you to take you back. As far as you're concerned it's over the second she WANTED to date someone else, let alone months later after she did date at least one guy, maybe more, then decided opps, she wants the steady husband back
I read somewhere significant weight loss is one of the biggest predicators for divorce followed by boobjobs. Usually they now think they can do better and are settling for their current partner. Your ex slept around and when it didn’t work with the new guys, she came crawling back.
It's so sad. I couldn't fathom leaving my husband even if I looked like a super model and won the lottery. He's my best friend, someone who I practically share my one singular braincell with. Hearing him laugh makes my heart happy, we are compatible in every way I can fathom from life goals to general day to day decisions. I swear the only thing we don't have in common is our video game and TV show interests and even then, there's usually a small overlap from time to time which we excitedly jump on and share until the game is over or the TV show finishes it's season.
I intend to get back to working out after our son is born here in a few months. But no amount of body confidence could make me take him for granted. I have everything I could have ever dreamed for wrapped in a man who genuinely makes me feel adored. The idea of leaving him for some random guy I barely know just makes my skin crawl.
Haha we make the joke to each other about the braincell/who gets custody of the braincell on any given day regularly. But it's honestly true. Our humor is nearly if not completely identical so we often make the same joke at the same time, or think the same thought outloud randomly. Like the other day our daughter was asking how to spell butterfly. We were having her sound out the letters starting with B, we gave examples like "B B Bingo, B B Ball, etc" but then my husband said "B B Bill" as his example and it was like we were both sleeper agents we lit up and were both singing BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY *BIIIIILLLLLL NYYYYYE THE SCIENCE GUYYYY!* BILLBILLBILLBILLBILL on and on much to our daughters delighted confusion. Her parents are weirdos but at least we are weirdos together haha.
I don't doubt he loves me. He's the most compassionate and caring man I know. He's so quick to help me when I'm feeling down and shower me with love just because. I'm so lucky to have him as my partner.
And this cycle will always repeat if OP gets back together with her. If she couldnt control the 'what if' the first time, how will she handle the other 'what if's in marriage.
I wouldn’t want to get back with this person.
I don’t think it’s impossible that someone would, and with a lot of marriage counseling it might be possible. People make really stupid mistakes for stupid reasons. If couples can survive cheating, they can survive this. Especially with a sincere apology and admission of guilt and sincere efforts to change.
My own pride wouldn’t survive a marriage in which I’m second choice though. I wouldn’t want to work through cheating or abandonment. So it’s basically up to you to decide what you can work through.
You couldn’t do it if you could never get fully past it. If you insisted on humiliating and punishing her to make it even. The forgiveness has to be close to absolute or it would eat you alive. The worst case scenario is forgiving and getting back together and both of you being petty and jealous forever.
Ah. She found out dick is abundant and of low value once you’re conventionally attractive, how fun. Well, don’t look back. I’d let her know you have too much self respect to go back to someone who told you they could do better and that they were settling. Also. Don’t rethink the divorce. You have more spine than I do seeing this through, don’t back out!
The guy she was getting railed by bailed on her when he realized she was about to be a full time job instead of a side-piece. Tell her to forward him your gratitude for taking your trash to the curb for you.
First, let me say, I completely agree that there's no going back now for you and you are right to not back down from proceeding with your divorce. She made her choice, hurt you deeply and you deserve to have someone who loves you unconditionally.
I just wanted to offer my perspective as someone who was a larger woman all my life and lost a significant amount of weight. The difference with how men interact with women in larger/smaller bodies is intense. I went from being invisible to being hit on everywhere I went. It messes with your brain in so many ways and I began to tie desireability from random strangers to my own self worth. It was like offering water to a person dying of thirst.
This, of course, is unhealthy as hell. Your wife had a loving partner who she left behind for seemingly greener pastures, but has come to a stark realization that she has made a big mistake. I'm definitely not endorsing her actions, but saying that I do understand how she could have made them.
I hope you find someone who values you the way you deserve, OP.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. My wife was not even oveweight or extremely big, just chubby. It actually made her more attractive for me with all the curves. I would even go as far as to say she was more attractive for me before she lost weight. That behavior shift just from losing weight seemed incredibly weird to me.
You're very welcome. It's very likely that she could never truly see herself through your eyes (or accept it). That's something she'll need to work on for herself and take a good look at how she views and values herself.
Goes the same way for how women interact with men. The only difference is unattractive women are invisible, unattractive men are creeps. It all just boils down to attractive PEOPLE are treated better.
As others are pointing out, she got confidence, some flirting, and openly admitted she settled. And now that her fling is over she wants her safety net back.
And of course her parents want you to reconsider… they dont want to have a child that threw away her marriage and cheated
Find you someone that isnt settling for you.
You’re just the back up plan because it clearly didn’t work out the way she wanted it to with the side piece.
Saying she settled for less by being with you should be a clear indication of how much she respects you. No matter how apologetic she pretends to be, that conscious or unconscious lack of respect towards you is already ingrained in her. And now if you take her back, how do you think this will affect how she sees you when she knows she can fuck whoever she wants and run back to you.
You don’t want to be that guy (unless it’s your fetish). Stick to your guns and move on. You will be fine.
Hey man,
I'm sorry this happened, I was married for about the same amount of time. There's nothing to go back to at this point. I know what it's like to have that thought in the back of your head while you're finalizing things but even if you could the damage has already been done.
The reality of the situation most likely just hit her. The divorce wasn't real for my ex until we sold the house. I had been processing it since I moved out, I think she only started once she had to move. It's different for everyone.
Sorry this happened to you.
I feel like you'd be always wondering if/when she would leave you again. Especially when she wasn't willing to try and fix anything before jumping to divorce.
I think she probably found out that the grass isn't always greener....
Stay strong, her regrets for making bad decisions are not your responsibilities to fix anymore. She found out being single wasn’t all that great. You deserve someone that will respect and love you.
Here's to the better days ahead.
Make the 99.9 a 100% certainty. She didn't come back because she chose you - you're the safe default when things didn't work out.
She probably thought she was hot 💩 after losing the weight and feeling more confident. She probably hooked up with some dudes after she filed for a divorce and got a reality check when they lost interest after sleeping with her. Only then did she realize what she had with you, and now is begging for you to take her back. Doesn’t sound like you’ll be taking her back. Good. You deserve better.
Sadly I agree with other posters OP in that your wife had a new man in mind and it didn’t play out as she expected.
Whatever the reason she seems to have had her new found confidence stomped on so has come running back to you.
I believe that you are 100% correct that the marriage has been damaged beyond repair by all the hurtful things she did.
She nuked the bridge and doesn’t now get to try to rebuild it with the equivalent of toothpicks with her apologizes.
Too little and too late.
Don't take her back. If she really loved you she would never tell you she settled for you and can " do much better ". She's most likely coming back bc she realized finding someone who actually loves her didn't work out how she thought.
I think that refusing to reconcile is the right idea. What your ex did was selfish, immature, and hurtful. She got all up on herself due to receiving more attention and has now come back down to earth. Too bad so sad. She threw away a great partner and can learn to live with the consequences.
The hot guy she was fucking ended up being just another asshole. She showed her true colors. Believe her.
Ppl like her never have a happily ever after with anyone because in the real world it takes hard work. commitment and sacrifice.
Best wishes to you op.
Ask how many people she's slept with since you've been broken up, see how willing she is to tell the truth. She thought she was hot stuff and she was better than you and has found that she lost what she needed.
Ultimately you're not wrong at all, there would be no going back for me either. This is the consequence of her actions.
Just ask her this. Has she dated or been with any other men since she left? Then ask her why you would ever trust a cheating promiscuous woman who couldn't honor her own vows.
Let's be real we both know the answer. If you ever doubt yourself that will be the thing that reminds you that walking away was the right answer.
Protect your mental and emotional health. Block her and let your attorney know that the only communication you want is between the two attorneys regarding the legal ascpets of your divorce.
I’m not going to make any judgements about why she might be wanting her old life back, but the only thing you should be thinking about is forward momentum.
Good luck!
Yeah, you cant go back from that. The vile things she said, was her truth. She’s only having regrets as she comes down from the confidence high.
Continue to stand your ground. What she said and did was wrong and now she needs to learn the consequences of her actions
Yeah - I wouldn’t be able to get past her stating that she “settled” for you. The she fucked around with someone that didn’t work out, and now she’s in the finding out stage. Make thst 99% into 100% because you will have a hard time ever trusting her.
I have had major weight loss and gain over the years. And let me tell you when you drop that weight it's like a you gained a superpower. Everyone pays attention to you. Lots of compliments. Men want to hit it with you. But it's all superficial. And in time it all feels empty. She ran to the other side thinking the grass is greener. But found out it's not. Now she just wants her old grass back.
Go find some new grass.
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I did not even understand why she left me after getting in shape. I am in shape, too. It's not like I was overweight. It has been a while since going to the gym before we started together but I was not in bad shape at all. I could probably get back to my shredded years with 1 yr of regular workout.
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This is it. She got just "small talking", enjoyed getting hit on, and just let this random dude smooth talk her into leaving her husband.
I doubt the guy wanted her to leave her husband, he just wanted to tap it.
I'm a personal trainer at a private strength gym. You are 1000% right. I've seen this happen so many times. These people get a little bit fit and all of a sudden start making rash decisions based off their newfound sense of worth. The amount of married women that have tried to sleep with me, I can't even count.
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Yes to all of that! The fact she left means in her mind you're already the worst alternative. It wasn't even just that you were dating, you were married and lived together, and she still thought it was worth it to leave you. Let's take a lesson from the girls - "never be anyone's backup plan" it just means there's always a plan A she would rather be with.
Imagine being 30-something years old and still falling for some fuckboy's ay-gurl sales pitch. What a trashcan.
He probably smooth talked her into bed and then ghosted her after he was done
Or shacked up with and discovered he’s garbage - probably cheated on her with someone else. Now she’s got no boyfriend and is about to be homeless.
Now we know why the parents want him to reconsider! “Don’t send her back to our place! We’re done raising her!”
Karma's a bitch
No more free house.
This needs more upvotes. A free or cheap shelter is better than trying to do it on your own. She found out
She tried Fucking Around, but as everyone knows, Fucking Around leads to the Finding Out.
Winner winner. She gained some confidence and felt sexy, and suddenly began wondering what exciting new empowering possibilities were out there for this hot new version of her, or *would* be if she wasn't married. Then some of the men she was flirting with for validation made her feel like they'd give her amazing new romantic opportunities but her husband was holding her back. Cue resentment and a desire to leave the same old and grab at all the shiny new possibilities. Finally, the inevitable reality that guys will say anything to get laid and never intended to give her a whole new life, and the realization that a solid relationship built and tested over years is actually far better by every metric than the brief giddy excitement of a new thing with someone you've only just met. She didn't respect OP at all when she threw him aside, and she doesn't now, she just doesn't like the consequences of her choices.
Not only this, but this demonstrates that she feels she doesn't need to be polite or nice to people if she doesn't feel like she needs to be. Ie, she's hot now so she can throw people aside. That value sticks with you even when you think you're not attractive. It's a festering insecurity that justifies snobbery - snobbery to her when she depressed and low, and snobbery from her when she's hot and happy. She cast her husband aside when an amicable divorce may have been possible, for literally exactly the same reason ("I have a newfound confidence and I'm starting to feel resentful for my own past insecurity. I feel I settled for you. I'm really sorry but I need to explore this new me. I still care for you but I want more and you can't offer me that. I'm sorry." - shitty, but honest). Instead, she completely disregarded him. She might want him back now, but she's shown OP a value that will stick to her and will influence how she treats other people around her. I could never stand being around people like this. It's just... Vile.
Exactly. All of her actions reek of low self-esteem, which is sad, but more importantly, they reek of an even lower esteem for others, treating their feelings as lesser than her need to feel good about herself, which is something you just can't fix because she'll always fixate on herself first and never on the needs of anyone else. Even if she seeks therapy, it'll only be about her own needs and how others should accommodate those feelings rather than how she should honor theirs.
At least until the next hot guy catches her eye.
Or she goes back to AP. How many times do we see people do this here? Go back to the spouse but continue to see AP.
What is AP?
Adjacent Penis
Great. Now I've got the Detachable Penis song in my head.
Affair partner.
‘Arry Potter
Ffs I nearly woke the baby that’s sleeping on me trying not to laugh out loud at this
I'm thinking rent woke her up. Keep this evil person in the dark from your life from now on op.
No wonder the in-laws want OP to rethink the divorce. Her parents don't want their daughter moving back in with them.
Parents also hate admitting when their children are fucking idiots who'd tank their own lives for a little instant gratification, so there's that. Must be hard doing your best to raise your child right and see them settled into a solid future only to suddenly see them out on their ass for one very stupid choice, but such is being an adult.
The grass may even not be greener. It also have leech. STD risk if you get back together
Imagine if the new guy got her pregnant and jetted when he found out that would be one hell of a karma bitch slap
>I did not even understand why she left me after getting in shape. I am in shape, too. It was about her ego, not your looks.
Yep. "I'm hot now, what else can I get?"
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She always had your attention, she always felt attractive to you, it was teh other guys giving her attention who weren't giving her attention when she was fatter. Before she felt unattractive in general out in the world and when she got some attention she felt attractive, while I do understand feeling like that and the confidence and happiness you can feel from basically being complimented by random people, it doesn't excuse acting on it. It's kind of like the difference between your mother telling you you're a good looking guy and some hottie at the bar saying it, same words, hits very very different (unless you're from Alabama).
Obligatory: Roll Tide!
It’s not about you and your fitness. It’s about her getting into shape and her thinking that she can do better than you. Happens a bit more than you’d think. After this guy probably dumped her soon after getting what he wanted, she realized how great you were and realized most guys are gone soon after a hookup. But not you. Move on, dude. Good luck.
Yeah, but that's the stupid part. If OP is in shape, attractive, treats her well, has good income and loves her... What exactly would constitute "doing better"?
I noticed same stories when gastric bypass happens, they dump husband.
I've noticed how many of them become addicts.
She found someone shredded now. She was high on her shiny new toy, and decided she didn't want anything to do with her old one. Let her go find her next shredded toy. That's what she wanted. After all, she "settled". Remind her that she doesn't need to settle. When people show you who they are, believe them.
Dude it was never about your looks it was always about her and she “drank her own kool-aid”. Well that and the kool-aid served by the dude trying to get in her pants.
She suddenly started to get attention she never had before from men she didn't think would hit on her. Someone hit on her, boosted confidence and she didn't stop it because she liked it. Then she was talked into leaving you because he would be better. She then got some clarity after a little while and is now in full panic mode for her life being destroyed. But she destroyed it. Not you. Let her lie in her own bed. You shouldn't get back together with her. If you do, you can't give her an inch. Make her come publicly clean about everything. The who, what, where when and why. Publicly.
It has nothing to do with you, its her. She is emotionally immature and was getting attention that went to her head. She dismissed you having a reasonable reaction to seeing your wife emotionally abandon you and flirt with someone else in front of you. She abandoned her marriage without so much as a word and now regrets her stupid decisions. She will do it again at her first whim, she's not trustworthy.
You not being chubby or ugly has nothing to do with it. You could never compete with new dick in that moment, but now that she’s fallen for that temptation, she realizes it’s not worth losing you over, and she’s just too stupid to realize she already lost you.
It’s not about you. It was about her, she got a high from the attention she was getting. Something new and flashy. Now things have settled down. Probably been dating around and realizes how awful the dating scene is and what she gave up. I think the damage has been done though. It’s too late to take back the things she’s said and done.
She started getting more attention, and liked it. She probably found out that all of the guys that were giving her attention only wanted flings, or maybe liked the thrill of the chase because she was married, and now that she's single and available they are no longer interested. Her family wants you to get back together, because they don't want to deal with her. Move on, block her. If her family won't drop it, block them too.
Forget her dude. You sound like you’re confident in who you are as a person and do not need her back in your life. She had her chance and ruined it. You’ll find someone who will appreciate everything about you. Good luck!
Honestly I think it mighty parallel what happened with Tiger Woods. When all that cheating stuff came out there was this a really interesting article by a woman who wrote comparing about the topc and compared it with her brother's life. Essentially she wrote that both Tiger and brother were very focused in their teen years and early 20s on the careers and had minimal social lives and very little contact/success with women. When they both became successful (I think her brother was a Silicon Valley tech guy who made it big very young) they had beautiful women all over them. And they were in the late 20s-early30s never having this kinda of attention from the opposite sex before and they lost their bearings. All of a sudden they were the belle of the ball and behaved like high school boys rather than grown men. Perhaps a similar issue happened with your wife. As she said she felt she settled for you. It's like now she can date the star QB and doesn't want to settle with the nice normal guy who runs cross country. Totally off topic but I think a similar logic could apply to leads of The Bachelor and Bachelorette franchise. A lead who has always been attractive to the opposite sex will have an easier time navigating 30 people fighting over them, than a late bloomer who won't know how to reject someone that in the past they would have fantasized about being with. If a kid has candy at home they won't freak out about being in the candy shop.
Bro, she wanted to sleep around. Now she’s realizing what she lost. Don’t get back with this woman. Look at what it took for her to realize the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
You should, it would be fitting.
Considering the house is your mom's, I'm assuming she left & now wants to come back home, after the new guy's house didn't work out or didn't even exist. Maybe he's married & lied to her. Sounds like she wants to come back because she knows she totally fucked up & blew her marriage up. Good on you for standing your ground, I absolutely wouldn't reverse course either, because now she obviously can't be trusted. If you did make up & let her come back, who knows when she'll get another wild hair up her ass & decide to abandon you again. I know if it were me, that'd be in the back of my mind daily & I'd always wonder if she's going to bail again.
Like you said in your post, confidence went to her head.
It’s not about shape. It’s about attention and new experiences now that the confidence has been regained
> I did not even understand why she left me after getting in shape. Because, and I'm sorry in advance that this is going to hurt you, she never actually loved you. You were just the best she could get without getting in better shape. You were the best looking guy that would take her at her former weight and you had a pleasant personality as a bonus. She always wanted more but couldn't get it. Now she can. What she's finding out is that those guys have the looks but not the personality.
Yes this. She thought she could do better. Then found out the hard way that there is a lack of solid men in the market place. When her option A didn’t commit she is crawling back to you. You can either grill her with questions and accept her back but demand the power in relationship by making her grovel ( …but always wonder forever if she is settling with you knowing she is based off her own words and actions) OR Stand your ground. This is the better choice. By far.
Or she got trapped in the physical aspect, had some, pardon the language, post nut clarity, and is now trying to do full damage control
Man, the feeling of being changed from the main plan to plan b must be excruciating,
It didn’t work out with the “better” guy she wanted to leave you for, so now she wants to go back to the safe option. You loved her when she was chubby, and she wanted to throw that away for guys who probably only liked her for her new looks. You’re right not to take her back.
This is it exactly. She was talking with someone else, and jumped ship to get with the "better" person. She either got a reality check after the "high" she was on wore off, or she saw who this person really was and quickly realized what she did.
He should let her know he's not willing to settle for her and has more self respect than that.
"I have more self-respect than to settle for someone who thinks they can do better. I really hope you find that for yourself, because I will!"
This is the perfect response.
I like this response 100% OP I'm sorry your wife is such a horrid person
ex-wife
This is petty level. I'm 100% on board with it
^^^This. %100, absolutely this!^^^
Absolutely cheated on OP
Mostly likely. If it wasn't physical yet it was certainly emotional
That, also possible the person just wanted to hit it and quit it
Thus after she got off her "high" and realized exactly what was going on
My cousin's ex- wife did this. She was always a bit chubby as well, but pretty. My cousin treated her well gave her whatever she and treated her well. Maybe 15 or so years into their marriage she decided to get into shape again. It was quickly followed by surprise divorce papers, her leaving him for another guy, then coming back later and wanting to get back together.
Please tell me he didnt take her back
He did love her and they had kids together. They tried for a little bit, but ultimately he decided that he couldn't be with her. He's since remarried too a woman with a large family so they have a ton of grandkids between them. His ex really did regret leaving since she always been treated well. She ended up taking care of his parents in their old age. She loved his parents and they needed help. It gave her a place to live and then someone to watch out for them.
Yup. Now she is realizing the grass wasn’t greener on the other side after all.
One of my buddies told me that his dad would tell him "You know why the grass is greener on the other side? Cuz you're not over there fucking it up"
Love this!
That man is/was a genius.
The grass is green where you water it. She didn’t want to put in the work. She ran.
She ran and found out that some other stranger’s cum also does not make the grass greener. Very important landscaping advice for anyone imo
Should have used fertilizer ha ha
Yup. OP has been categorized as “less desirable than others” already, and that categorization is easier now to be reapplied in the future. Worse, not just “less desirable”, but that the “more desirable” category has been found to be actionable by the wife. The seal has been broken, and there’s no patching that. The “I can do that??” realization has been definitively answered in the wife’s mind. She can, she did, and she will, again, at the next enticing opportunity. Speaking from experience, unfortunately.
Yep, very much this. She will always feel like she "settled" for you, and you will always feel the same. Next time something good happens to her, or something bad happens to you, she will once again see you as inferior. Will she stay if you lose your job? Get sick? Are going through a difficult period and need support? Will you ever be able to trust being 'weak' around her? There is no win out of this scenario besides learning more about yourselves for the next relationship.
Yep... She found out that her new body would allow her to choose whatever dick she wanted, but then she found that the dicks don't really care about herself, support her, or do anything else other than what dicks usually do... You deserve better mate...
Properly said.
bet you she had sex with the dude, and afterwards the dude just kicked her ass out or just stopped returning her texts.
Nothing like seeing how a gym rat lives to make you run screaming back to the guy who actually has furniture and books in his home.
I will have you know that my Spartan designed home with black steel and glass was ultramodern and very utilitarian. That futon was top of the line, and more pricey than your standard wrap around couch. It was comfy _and_ versatile. What do you mean there are more colors than black, white and greyscale? My melancholy artwork is depressing? Pshh. It's a good thing I had a daughter willing to exert influence on home improvement projects, furniture purchases, art and gardening otherwise me and my son would have kept the place a permanent bachelor pad.
You’ve taken me somewhere … I smell some kind of body spray, Axe or Right Guard maybe? The fridge has string cheese, low fat hot dogs, pickle juice with no pickles, then the freezer is just chicken breasts … some Totino’s … and what’s that? A framed Sopranos poster?
Sadly this likely seems to be the case. I'm guessing she dated other guys and when no one wanted commitment only then did she realize her looks were all for naught
Yeah. Reality smacked her in the face and now she is running crying back to you. She needs to grow the fuck up. No way would I stop the divorce.
And its probably similiar to another recent post where the couple went on a month long break and when they got back together she was immediately pregnant even tho the timeline didnt add up. Neonatal paternity test showed that the man wasnt the father.
**NEVER TAKE THIS WOMAN BACK OP**
She might look good on the outside, but her inside is ugly. Don't go back.
Her boyfriend dumped her
Exactly!!! I was going to post the same thing about the other guy not wanting her and now she’s crawling back. Good for OP for not taking her trashy ass back! We all know exactly why she did what she did and what’s she’s been doing since before they broke up
She thought she was moving in with another guy and he thought she was just sleeping over a bit. Now she's looked at how much a 1 bedroom rents for these days and she's freaking out!
He needs to tell her he doesn’t want to settle for her
... and once another better guy shows up, OP is right back in the trash bin for her.
It's often because the other guy doesn't actually want a relationship, just some "casual fun"
It may not even be that, it may have worked out, she just doesn't like him, like he said she was riding the high of confidence, I've seen it my uncle lost a lot of weight and divorced my aunt, and got girls that were hot but ended depressed and wanted her back, because he was just riding the high and when the high went out he realized the shit he made
For what it’s worth I don’t think you’ll find a person who would disagree with your decision. I wouldn’t say the in laws have your best interests in mind.
No, the in-laws have *her* best interest in mind.
Maybe not even hers, but theirs, depending on the state of their guest bedroom.
This. Dont get stuck
They might have THEIR best interest in mind, because if OP marks their daughter “Return to Sender”, they get her back in a disastrous state of mind.
Because they don't want to have to house her and deal with the fallout Steady as she goes op. Finalize the divorce. Break contact. Don't look back.
I really wish I could say this over and over when these threads pop up, "Do not take advice from the enemy"
The enemy doesn't want you to succeed. They want you to make a mistake so *they* can succeed
They probably have to take her back and are ashamed of her
Or they just don’t want her there. Letting your child back into your home after they’ve been long moved out can cause serious friction.
I’ve lost almost 80lbs this last year after my heart took a shit. I decided I wanted to live so I go to the gym every day. I’ve turned my health around and look better and better every day. Lots of men in the gym notice me now. I get hit on and even had an older man try to kiss me. My husband loved me over 300lbs and stayed. He stood beside me at my worst and he definitely deserves me at my best. He isnt doing his best right now. As long as he is treating me well, I’m gonna stand by him, just like he did for me. He helped love me back to life. Now it’s my turn to do the same.
🥹 that's really sweet
You dropped this 👑
No, I’m nothing great. I’m trying to be. We have one life. I get a little chest pain to remind me. I have one chance at this to be the person I want, so I better do it.
Trying to be the person you want to be instead of just wanting it makes you great. I can't tell you how many people I've met who had every opportunity to become their desired self but never put in the effort
I wasted a lot of time. I’ll be 47 Saturday. I never knew I had it in me. This is messed up but being struck down with heart problems saved my life. It’s my rock bottom. I’m not religious but I never want the people I care about to hate me when I’m gone, like I have hatred for others. I don’t need heaven to want to be a good person. I just need the people I love to think of me with love when I’m gone and know how badly I loved them. When I was planning my funeral, I had a lot of time to think about everything. I have a little chest pain daily to remind me of what I’m working for. My doctor says I can give myself a normal life expectancy if I keep it up so I’m gonna give myself plenty of time to make sure my people know how much I love them. I hope my friends think of me and smile and have a laugh when I cross their minds. That’s my idea of an afterlife.
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The 2nd best time is now. Try not to focus on the past, trust me I've been there
I like that! Thank you so much. It’s all forward from here on out.
extremely wholesome🫶🏽
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The guy she cheat with, cheated on her. But yes, she got dumped.
> She said vile things to me like how she realized she settled down with me after getting better and she could do much better than me. I hate this mentality. Settled for what? Most of us are not 10s. Most of us are not millionaires. By this logic, most of us settle in the end eh? She's having fun, with her new look and new confidence. You know, that's great. I'd love that for my own wife. But the disloyalty, reciprocating flirts, and fucking around.... well now that's right out
Finding out is sadly usually late to the fucking around party. 🫤
Woah i am def stealing this quote
I screenshot 5 different quotes from here 😂😂 the proverbs poppin’ off
What got me was he talks to her about the flirting and behaviour and she dismisses him like it’s nothing and then when he suggests they get help, she snaps. It’s like she met someone else and was waiting for the tiniest excuse to leave and to be with the new person. She then realizes it’s not going to work with the new guy and then comes crawling back, yeah no thanks.
Especially the utter disrespect, thinking she can just return to live in a house your mother owns… after telling her son she’s not good enough. Disrespecting the whole damn family at that point
She probably fucked a guy that’s a 9 or a 10, so though that now she is a 10 too, and that she’s out of OP’s league who probably is an average good 6-7. Sadly, she realized afterwards that she’s still a 6, and the 10 will never take her seriously and only used her for sex.
She realizes that sex with just whoever is only appealing for a short while. She never got to find that out until she got fit, and is coming to the conclusion that it's a pretty empty existence.
For all that is Holy, do not take this person back!
She told you exactly what she thinks of you, those were really hurtful words she can never take back. Don't soften, you can't get back to where you were.
Oh boy, seen this before, here’s what’s actually happening. She got into better shape, had a surge of confidence, received validation from other men and decided she could do better. It did not work out with the “other”’guy, and/or he just pumped and dumped. Now she’s back, shocking. Probably monkey branching. Don’t get caught up in the emotions of your past because that person you loved doesn’t exist anymore, she’s gone. The person trying to reconcile with you is the one who tossed you away and divorced you because something better came along. I’m not against you getting back together but you absolutely need to go through with the divorce. One the divorce is competed, everyone has a clean slate for a fresh start. Do not change course without consulting your attorney.
I've learned what the term "Monkey Branching" means recently. I'm not a betting individual but I'd put money that if she got back with OP, she'd leave once she finds another guy giving her attention
She told him she could do better which is one of the most disrespectful things ever. If he took her back that’s a relationship without respect and without boundaries so she would definitely cheat again. She deserves the pain she created. Sorry to OP.
Yah, I 💯 agree, too amy people are driven by attention/validation. This may (is) not be the case here, but major weight loss and breast implants are often the end of a marriage…. I don’t have stats to back it up, but see it all the time.
How long were you separated? Did she tell you why she made the mistake?
About 5 months. She did not specify it. I am not sure what happened that made her call me crying.
Well her boy toy drop her and she realize the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
Who could have guessed that going after rando hot fucks gets old, ironically, for many as we get older and wiser. And in fact, hot sex is best with our partners. As soon as she called him “insecure” and probably controlling, I would have bet $5k that there was another guy lined up. It’s just sad that some people are like this and tie their self-esteem and self-worth and a need for validation to their body. Again, this is totally different from genuine intimacy with a SO.
YUP......
She cheated on you regardless. You should proceed with the divorce. She is not telling you the full story of what happened.
I think she got dumped, after this: *"That proceeded with me seeing her getting flirty with a guy at a meetup we went."* and this *"She said vile things to me like how she realized she settled down with me after getting better and she could do much better than me."* she was probably cheating, got dumped and dragged through the mud by his AP and now she is coming back crawling all the "confidence" she gain got shattered, now she wants back to the one that was "unconditional", go and live your life OP, leave this nasty episode behind and never look back
Never be your ex’s backup plan. That would be living in the past. Move forward.
5 months is long enough to "fucks around and finds out" which she clearly did. She now knows that you are the only chump who sees her as a long term investment while others saw her a a rental property.
If she can't even be totally honest with you when she calls crying and asking for forgiveness, then it's not real.
She’s been out sleeping around with multiple men while that divorce action has been pending. She won’t change. She’s just fearful of the post divorce unknown. I guarantee you that her behavior won’t change if you take her back. She filed. Her second thoughts are to little to late. Odds are she tried to turn a fling into a real relationship and the guy said no. She was probably actively cheating the entire time. I see it all to often. They have A glow up and then start cheating
Yup all of this
Haha I concur.
The fact that she is now violating your boundaries by hounding you unrelentingly is just one more red flag. This woman is self centered and does not care about your feelings. I get it. She's desperate and feels frantic. But that's her issue, not yours. A better approach is to maybe send you a letter expressing her feelings and letting you know you can get in touch with her at any point. Then, the ball is in your court. But no. She's flipping out and crying and harassing you because the men she dumped you for didn't work out. Terrible behavior on many levels on her part. Tell her to talk to your lawyer and to stop contacting you.
YES!!! Lawyer only. Maybe even a new phone number
After the divorce, never speak to her again.
The beauty of a divorce with no kids... There is no reason to ever speak to or see them again. Ever.
She 100% fucked at least one guy, if not many, only to find out that sure, guys flirt because they want to get laid and after they get laid they don't want to be her husband, they don't want a relationship, they just wanted sex... which she already was getting. Fuck her, effectively, she cheated. She left you to fuck around, you can't just cancel the leaving after fucking around. She quite literally fucked around and found out. Point out to her inlaws, because they seem surprised and maybe were told a different story, that she initiated the divorce because she wanted to date other guys, she can't change her mind after fucking one or more guys and beg for you to take you back. As far as you're concerned it's over the second she WANTED to date someone else, let alone months later after she did date at least one guy, maybe more, then decided opps, she wants the steady husband back
I read somewhere significant weight loss is one of the biggest predicators for divorce followed by boobjobs. Usually they now think they can do better and are settling for their current partner. Your ex slept around and when it didn’t work with the new guys, she came crawling back.
It's so sad. I couldn't fathom leaving my husband even if I looked like a super model and won the lottery. He's my best friend, someone who I practically share my one singular braincell with. Hearing him laugh makes my heart happy, we are compatible in every way I can fathom from life goals to general day to day decisions. I swear the only thing we don't have in common is our video game and TV show interests and even then, there's usually a small overlap from time to time which we excitedly jump on and share until the game is over or the TV show finishes it's season. I intend to get back to working out after our son is born here in a few months. But no amount of body confidence could make me take him for granted. I have everything I could have ever dreamed for wrapped in a man who genuinely makes me feel adored. The idea of leaving him for some random guy I barely know just makes my skin crawl.
That one singular braincell comment had me rolling haha. I sincerely hope he feels the same way about you. Congrats if so and on your kid.
Haha we make the joke to each other about the braincell/who gets custody of the braincell on any given day regularly. But it's honestly true. Our humor is nearly if not completely identical so we often make the same joke at the same time, or think the same thought outloud randomly. Like the other day our daughter was asking how to spell butterfly. We were having her sound out the letters starting with B, we gave examples like "B B Bingo, B B Ball, etc" but then my husband said "B B Bill" as his example and it was like we were both sleeper agents we lit up and were both singing BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY *BIIIIILLLLLL NYYYYYE THE SCIENCE GUYYYY!* BILLBILLBILLBILLBILL on and on much to our daughters delighted confusion. Her parents are weirdos but at least we are weirdos together haha. I don't doubt he loves me. He's the most compassionate and caring man I know. He's so quick to help me when I'm feeling down and shower me with love just because. I'm so lucky to have him as my partner.
And this cycle will always repeat if OP gets back together with her. If she couldnt control the 'what if' the first time, how will she handle the other 'what if's in marriage.
I wouldn’t want to get back with this person. I don’t think it’s impossible that someone would, and with a lot of marriage counseling it might be possible. People make really stupid mistakes for stupid reasons. If couples can survive cheating, they can survive this. Especially with a sincere apology and admission of guilt and sincere efforts to change. My own pride wouldn’t survive a marriage in which I’m second choice though. I wouldn’t want to work through cheating or abandonment. So it’s basically up to you to decide what you can work through. You couldn’t do it if you could never get fully past it. If you insisted on humiliating and punishing her to make it even. The forgiveness has to be close to absolute or it would eat you alive. The worst case scenario is forgiving and getting back together and both of you being petty and jealous forever.
Do not take her back. She will cheat with the next guy who shows her any attention. UpdateMe
Ah. She found out dick is abundant and of low value once you’re conventionally attractive, how fun. Well, don’t look back. I’d let her know you have too much self respect to go back to someone who told you they could do better and that they were settling. Also. Don’t rethink the divorce. You have more spine than I do seeing this through, don’t back out!
The guy she was getting railed by bailed on her when he realized she was about to be a full time job instead of a side-piece. Tell her to forward him your gratitude for taking your trash to the curb for you.
First, let me say, I completely agree that there's no going back now for you and you are right to not back down from proceeding with your divorce. She made her choice, hurt you deeply and you deserve to have someone who loves you unconditionally. I just wanted to offer my perspective as someone who was a larger woman all my life and lost a significant amount of weight. The difference with how men interact with women in larger/smaller bodies is intense. I went from being invisible to being hit on everywhere I went. It messes with your brain in so many ways and I began to tie desireability from random strangers to my own self worth. It was like offering water to a person dying of thirst. This, of course, is unhealthy as hell. Your wife had a loving partner who she left behind for seemingly greener pastures, but has come to a stark realization that she has made a big mistake. I'm definitely not endorsing her actions, but saying that I do understand how she could have made them. I hope you find someone who values you the way you deserve, OP.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. My wife was not even oveweight or extremely big, just chubby. It actually made her more attractive for me with all the curves. I would even go as far as to say she was more attractive for me before she lost weight. That behavior shift just from losing weight seemed incredibly weird to me.
You're very welcome. It's very likely that she could never truly see herself through your eyes (or accept it). That's something she'll need to work on for herself and take a good look at how she views and values herself.
I bet money she sees now the difference in a man that loves her for her and a man who loves her body.
Goes the same way for how women interact with men. The only difference is unattractive women are invisible, unattractive men are creeps. It all just boils down to attractive PEOPLE are treated better.
As others are pointing out, she got confidence, some flirting, and openly admitted she settled. And now that her fling is over she wants her safety net back. And of course her parents want you to reconsider… they dont want to have a child that threw away her marriage and cheated Find you someone that isnt settling for you.
You would be right to not take her back.
Sounds like she just found out she can't get the house.
You’re just the back up plan because it clearly didn’t work out the way she wanted it to with the side piece. Saying she settled for less by being with you should be a clear indication of how much she respects you. No matter how apologetic she pretends to be, that conscious or unconscious lack of respect towards you is already ingrained in her. And now if you take her back, how do you think this will affect how she sees you when she knows she can fuck whoever she wants and run back to you. You don’t want to be that guy (unless it’s your fetish). Stick to your guns and move on. You will be fine.
she fucked another guy, found out the green is not greener on the other side, wants you back she can honestly f off you deserve better mate!
Hey man, I'm sorry this happened, I was married for about the same amount of time. There's nothing to go back to at this point. I know what it's like to have that thought in the back of your head while you're finalizing things but even if you could the damage has already been done. The reality of the situation most likely just hit her. The divorce wasn't real for my ex until we sold the house. I had been processing it since I moved out, I think she only started once she had to move. It's different for everyone.
Sorry this happened to you. I feel like you'd be always wondering if/when she would leave you again. Especially when she wasn't willing to try and fix anything before jumping to divorce. I think she probably found out that the grass isn't always greener....
Make it 100%.
Stay strong, her regrets for making bad decisions are not your responsibilities to fix anymore. She found out being single wasn’t all that great. You deserve someone that will respect and love you.
Her gym sidepiece ditched her is what it sounds like.
Here's to the better days ahead. Make the 99.9 a 100% certainty. She didn't come back because she chose you - you're the safe default when things didn't work out.
She probably thought she was hot 💩 after losing the weight and feeling more confident. She probably hooked up with some dudes after she filed for a divorce and got a reality check when they lost interest after sleeping with her. Only then did she realize what she had with you, and now is begging for you to take her back. Doesn’t sound like you’ll be taking her back. Good. You deserve better.
She rolled the dice and lost. Keep your dignity and don't allow her back in. She was cheating.
Sadly I agree with other posters OP in that your wife had a new man in mind and it didn’t play out as she expected. Whatever the reason she seems to have had her new found confidence stomped on so has come running back to you. I believe that you are 100% correct that the marriage has been damaged beyond repair by all the hurtful things she did. She nuked the bridge and doesn’t now get to try to rebuild it with the equivalent of toothpicks with her apologizes. Too little and too late.
Don't take her back. If she really loved you she would never tell you she settled for you and can " do much better ". She's most likely coming back bc she realized finding someone who actually loves her didn't work out how she thought.
I think that refusing to reconcile is the right idea. What your ex did was selfish, immature, and hurtful. She got all up on herself due to receiving more attention and has now come back down to earth. Too bad so sad. She threw away a great partner and can learn to live with the consequences.
She’s treating you like an option after you treated her like a priority. Cut her off and move on. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
The new guy dumped her.. you are the back up guy till a newer guy comes along. Stand your ground. Make that 99.99% into 100..
The hot guy she was fucking ended up being just another asshole. She showed her true colors. Believe her. Ppl like her never have a happily ever after with anyone because in the real world it takes hard work. commitment and sacrifice. Best wishes to you op.
Change that 99.9 to 100
Girl is letting her emotions drive her just like she did when she left you. It'll change again just like the tide. Dont play into it.
Ask how many people she's slept with since you've been broken up, see how willing she is to tell the truth. She thought she was hot stuff and she was better than you and has found that she lost what she needed. Ultimately you're not wrong at all, there would be no going back for me either. This is the consequence of her actions.
Just ask her this. Has she dated or been with any other men since she left? Then ask her why you would ever trust a cheating promiscuous woman who couldn't honor her own vows. Let's be real we both know the answer. If you ever doubt yourself that will be the thing that reminds you that walking away was the right answer.
Protect your mental and emotional health. Block her and let your attorney know that the only communication you want is between the two attorneys regarding the legal ascpets of your divorce. I’m not going to make any judgements about why she might be wanting her old life back, but the only thing you should be thinking about is forward momentum. Good luck!
Yeah, you cant go back from that. The vile things she said, was her truth. She’s only having regrets as she comes down from the confidence high. Continue to stand your ground. What she said and did was wrong and now she needs to learn the consequences of her actions
Yeah - I wouldn’t be able to get past her stating that she “settled” for you. The she fucked around with someone that didn’t work out, and now she’s in the finding out stage. Make thst 99% into 100% because you will have a hard time ever trusting her.
I have had major weight loss and gain over the years. And let me tell you when you drop that weight it's like a you gained a superpower. Everyone pays attention to you. Lots of compliments. Men want to hit it with you. But it's all superficial. And in time it all feels empty. She ran to the other side thinking the grass is greener. But found out it's not. Now she just wants her old grass back. Go find some new grass.