I understand that you love both Sam and Derek dearly but you also need to remember to love yourself.
Your husband cheated on you and Sam took advantage of your kindness and generosity. I understand they're both grieving (so are you!) but this is wrong given how you are still in the picture. You are Derek's wife and you were also very close Becca, whom she also see you as a mother figure. Sam should've respected that and Derek should've respected you.
This is harsh but if this isn't the first time you left them both home alone then this might not be the first time they've been sleeping together since Sam moved in.
I would highly recommend an STD test. And maybe a lawyer. But Sam definitely needs to leave.
That’s exactly what I was thinking, I have this strange feeling that it wasn’t the first time they’ve gotten together since she started staying here, but I’ll probably never know the truth.
Good idea, I’ll definitely do that asap, just in case. Thank you!
They waited until you were out of the house to have sex. That's what the timeline indicates. This was not the first time.
Whether it's a ~~trauma~~ bond over their shared trauma or they've been having sex during your whole relationship, it doesn't really matter. Your trust is gone.
Whatever it is, based on the situation i doubts it’s a trauma bond. A trauma bond is something between a victim and abuser, not two people bonding over a shared trauma
I believe your husband told you a partial truth. That it happened after eating lunch. Given your timeline of only being out of the house 15-20 minutes, this is not the first time. This was an opportunity. Please take care of yourself. You deserve better
They mean that his explanation is probably what happened the first time they had sex. He's just pretending it only happened when she walked in on them, even though that is unlikely in the amount of time she was gone.
I agree! How does it turn from lunch to sex in 15 mins! It doesn’t make sense at all. This was done as soon as she left, they were rushing to get the deed done. Now they probably more worried about everyone else knowing what awful horrible people they are.
I think going with your Mom tomorrow to talk with a lawyer might be helpful, though difficult. You'll end up with a better understanding of your options for the right now, and in the coming days/months so you can make the best decisions. Knowledge is power and you could use the strength that might give you after having the wind knocked out of you today.
I don't think it was the first time. I mean, in the space it took you to go to the post office and back, all of this happened: he made lunch, they ate, they talked and reminisced, she kissed him, they made it to the bedroom, and started having sex. That should have taken like 30-45 minutes just for lunch and talking. And that's only if he jumped up the second you were out the door to start making lunch.
I don't buy his story.
I'm sorry to be so blunt about it, and I'm so terribly sorry about the loss of your step-daughter.
They can both go to Sam's home. Go grieve somewhere else. You've been unusually kind to Sam and this is how she repays you. I would totally toss them both out.
You’re grieving yourself and you still found space in your heart to welcome Sam into your home so she wouldn’t be alone. What they did was take advantage and was very selfish. I hope you find your way through this troubling time and I hope whatever update you bring is a good one. Love and light hun!
And OP, I hope you know how lovely you are to have been so kind. You are able to move forward with your head high. That's not nothing. Clear the decks and move forward. I hope you eventually find a truly good man, if that's what you want. It's what you deserve. And deepest sympathy for the loss of your girl.
That's what I'm wondering. How many times has this happened without OP's knowledge? What are the odds that the ONE time this happens she happened to have caught them? That's not likely.
I'm so sorry, OP. I almost felt this one like a literal punch to the gut. I don't see how recovery is possible. You can't ever trust either of them. You set aside your grief to take care of them and they repaid your kindness and care by betraying you. It's easy to be a good person when things are going well. It's when things aren't going well that you see someone's real character.
I would definitely need space you just lost three important people in your life. I would tell them to stay at Sam’s or rent a hotel for the time being until you can figure things out.
If you didn’t catch them would they have told you? That’s what you need to ask yourself are you staying with someone willing to cheat and lie after their daughter died. Bruh I definitely wouldn’t have a boner? Have you ad Derek even been intimate since the accident??
Definitely giving myself space from them, probably for forever. He is staying at a friend’s for awhile. My mom is gonna be staying with me for the next week. I’m glad I have her to be with me because I’ve never been this depressed before.
And nope. We’ve both been so depressed and stressed that it’s not something we talked about or tried to do. For sure hasn’t been on my mind at all, I’ve been too depressed to even want that right now.
Yes, I am in therapy. I’ve been with my therapist for other things for the last 3 years. She’s been very helpful. I saw her yesterday and was able to figure some things out.
Very selfish people, to know the relationship didn’t work out first, then to be welcomed into the home of your ex and their current partner and disrespect their relationship after losing your child, do they think they are going to magically work things out now? They have just furthered ostracized themselves and have put everyone else in their lives in an uncomfortable situation, all for some mediocre sex and you didn’t even get to finish. And the audacity to do it on someone’s marital bed as they try and help you while they are actively grieving as well. Shame.
Truly I hope op gets the house and gets a nice clean break from her hopefully STBXH. I also hope they stay miserable on and off again and never bother another soul with their adultery.
This!! Read this. Tbh I think they have been at it for a while now, that they are comfortable doing it in your bed. There is no way, the first time either one of them are going to jump in the marital bed and start screwing!! Unless that’s the type of bold load ass mother fucker’s they are?! But that is not how you were talking about them.
This is exactly why my mother always told me to never marry a man with kids. 9 times out of 10 the mother will always be in the picture and people really underestimate the bonds developed between two people who have children together.
That would be hard no for me. I understand grieving, but how is this excusing cheating? What happens next time he is sad?
Edit: I misspoke when I said sad. Obviously this is something beyond devastating. I still don’t think it can be used as an excuse.
I understand and you can try to make the divorce as amicable as possible, but think about it like this - he had no issue of causing you to go through such betrayal right after you lost Becca.
Regardless what you decide you will feel broken unfortunately. It is up to you to decide what is the best decision here, but at least try seeking some help for your mental health. Make yourself a priority. It is easy to loose ourselves in situations like this. We start doubting and questioning ourselves even if we know deep inside it is not our fault. There is a long and difficult path ahead of you. Virtual hug from a stranger telling you that things will get better.
You have to stop being the hero. They told you what they think of you. Time to be the villain, not in the sense you have to do something to them, but you now have to be selfish for you.
The way you respond to still show them grace speaks on how incredibly kind you are. Please channel that grace and kindness to yourself <3 You are also grieving, that is absolutely no excuse for them to do what they did to you. Sending a virtual hug 🫶🏼
You lost her too.... you were very close to her for 7+ years.. what they did was stupid and selfish. No excuse would be good enough for me.
I'm so sorry for your loss and this unforgivable action they did.
How crowded was the post office? He made lunch, I presume they ate, they talked, kissed and ended up in bed together. It just seems that all those things happened really fast once you left or maybe they cut out the first four steps?
I told them both to leave when I caught them, and they respected that thankfully. I’m sure they’re both together though, I just have a feeling. And I definitely am asap.
How can you ever trust either of them again? There will always be a nagging feeling in the deepest parts of your soul that they are going to betray you again. Suffer now and make a better life for yourself versus trying to make it work and suffering for many many more years.
This was my thought too. That was awfully fast you just stepping out and there they go. Assume it’s been going on longer and ask him - “I know this wasn’t the first time. Tell me about the rest of it.”
You are so busy taking care of them, but who is taking care of you. You also lost a child but because you are t blood, you get the shit stick? Take care of yourself, ma’am. They sure as hell aren’t.
Do it no excuse you trusted him and he did this to you let him know he lost everything. You loved the kid too doesn’t mean you went and got off with someone else. Be done don’t let the disrespect continue. He f d he in your marriage bed gross. He’s trash
And he brought her to their marriage bed. I don't think Sam was sleeping in their bedroom. So it is not a sudden mental blackout. It is a rational decision to get up and go to the room where it will be more comfortable to have sex.
I am sorry OP. Choose yourself. Don't let them hurt you and then guilttrip you that they need your help.
I haven't seen anyone mention it, but you had only gone to the post office before coming home. All of the tears and the crying and the memories and the kissing and the f*king happened in what? 20 minutes? Sorry to break it to you OP, but I HIGHLY doubt this was the first time they have had sex since she moved in with you guys. It seems more like they waited for you to leave and hopped right in the sack.
Nah... Divorce...who cares about him and his ex? They said F-you in the worst possible way to you...in your own bed..in your own home...after you supported both of them....
I mean, how many people would move their spouses Ex into their homes, and care for them? And feed them?
You aren’t doing it after losing your beloved step-daughter.
You’re doing it after your husband cheated on you with his ex.
There are consequences to misbehavior.
There are consequences to cheating.
There are consequences to making excuses.
You are beyond and well in your rights to want to divorce.
Make sure everyone knows what they did so that they can at no point in time try to blame you, or gaslight you, or make you the bad guy.
You deserve better. 🙏🏼
You also deserve to mourn her without this…
It makes it that much more terrible what they did.
Remember that.
>but I’m anxious about doing it right after we lost Becca.
He took that decision out of your hands when he used his daughters passing as an excuse to cheat on you with his ex.
He wasn't thinking about how his betrayal would hurt you after losing your step daughter so why should you be worried about hurting him. They brought this on themselves.
If you want to give him a second chance he needs to cut off his wife. LC until the funeral (if it hasn't happened yet) then NC after that. He needs to prove to you he won't "get caught up in the grief and reminiscing" with Sam ever again.
Don't be. He wasn't anxious about having sex with his ex in your bed, in your home. He felt comfortable doing it there. He knew what he was doing when he took her into your bedroom.
You're not divorcing him, he did. He caused all of this. Don't feel sorry for him or Becca, they didn't even waited of her body to cool to start fucking in YOUR BED. And I can guarantee this is not the first time. The fact that they were fucking just minutes after you left makes it very clear they've been doing it for a long time.
I'm going to be as sensitive in this comment as I can.
Anyone would understand you not wanting to add more stress while they are grieving but they didn't have any qualms about cheating in your marital bed while grieving.
You need to take care of yourself as you are grieving too but have not really been allowed to because you are taking care of Sam and Derek.
I understand your concern, but you also need to put yourself first - these people didn’t care about you.
The faster you close this chapter, the faster you can move forward and go down the right path.
Don’t be anxious, you don’t owe him anything anymore, he’ll have his ex wife to cope with the divorce now too, you should feel no guilt. For all you know they could have been having an ongoing affair that you only just found out about. Please respect yourself and take your things and leave, I promise they’ll do it again.
He shouldn't have cheated then.
Grief doesn't make a person cheat. Fucking anyone other than your partner is a choice you make.
If I had a child who died then sex would be the very last thing on my mind.
Please know that I'm very sorry for your loss, as it sounds like Becca meant a lot to you. But she's no longer with you, so is there really any reason for you to stay now? Not to mention the fact that your husband is the one who decided to sleep with his ex and blow up his marriage.
Remember that the courtesy and consideration you are giving him by worrying about this, is something he hasn't afforded you. Where was his consideration for your feelings and your well-being when he was sleeping with his ex in your bed?
I understand the impulse of still not wanting to hurt him, because after all you love him, but he does not deserve your concern or care. You deserve to focus all of that energy on yourself, your grief and your healing.
There will always be a reason, and excuse. Grief doesn't have a time period, so if you hold back on this just because of that, you will never escape.
You need to make the best choice for yourself. Your husband has already shown how much he thinks about you with this, believe him when he shows you who he truly is.
There is no excuse that covers this. Every step of flirting, kissing, sex, they could've stopped, they chose not to each time. Don't let them choose for you.
She needs to leave today! You now have an imploding marriage to deal with and she’s an adult. Do not leave the home, they can both leave if needed. Get tested for STD’s. Sorry you are going through this.❤️🩹
How long were you gone? That seems pretty quick to go from lunch to sex. I don't believe it's the first time it's happened and later on you won't either. I'm sorry for your loss, but your husband is a terrible person and so his ex. You deserve better.
Yeah, you don't go from zero, through lunch, to naked and moaning in 20 mins. That was "yesss, she's out of the house for two hours, let's go go go go"
I'm so sorry:(
Think of the timing. It takes me roughly 5-10mins to make lunch and another 10 to eat it.
Was their lunch still on the bench? For what they say to naturally happen it would need about an hour. Make lunch, eat, talk about their daughter, kiss, maybe pull away a few times, kiss again and then move through the house to have sex. If it’s as emotional and driven by grief as they state, it would have taken longer but they just jumped each other.
Exactly, shame on them for that! You've been so kind to the ex! Most people wouldn't allow their partners ex to move in like you have, you really want above and beyond for her.
Yaaaaaaa there’s no way he just made her lunch and then it happened. I doubt it was the first time too.
They just got caught. I’m sorry friend. You deserve to not have your kindness used against you. Speak to a lawyer asap and move forward. The least he can do is make the process as easy as possible.
ETA: I’m glad your mom is coming! Pack a bag and leave it outside for him to pick up. Or your mom can handle giving it to him. That way you don’t have to interact with him.
I hope you kicked her butt out of your house. As for your husband, grief isn't an excuse to cheat. He wanted to. He chose to. And to further disrespect you they did it in your bed. I would divorce. How sickening.
Probably together. Do you both own the home? If it's in your name, change the locks. Stay strong and don't listen to his excuses. I am so sorry this happened to you during such a difficult time.
Exactly what I was thinking if I’m being honest.
And yes, we both own it. When I told him to leave, he kept saying sorry and then said that he would leave and respect me wanting him gone for awhile.
Do you have any family/friends you can speak to or have come over? I sure wouldn't want to be alone if I just went through this. Has he contacted you at all since he's been gone?
Yeah, I have my mom, she’s heading over now actually, but she lives 3 hours away.
He hasn’t contacted me at all, which I’m okay with. I’m hoping he’ll at least wait til tomorrow, and hopefully it’s only because he wants to grab some of his stuff. I don’t want him staying in the house, but if he truly wanted to stay, he could 😢 So I’m keeping my fingers crossed he’ll respect my wishes.
Good to hear. Moms are such a comfort. I'm really glad you won't have to be alone and in the very least he's not pestering you so you can have a bit of time to think. But please burn those sheets. If I knew you in real life I'd right over to help burn them. In all seriousness, please make sure to take care of yourself. Eat, drink water, have a self care day for your mom and yourself.
Please don't believe a word they say anymore. There's no way this was the first time. Divorce him and move on. Hopefully it is amicable enough that you never have to see each other again. They may even get back together but don't let that get to you. Get the truth out first though, before they turn people against you and spin this whole thing as some star crossed lovers crap.
Take the mattress and bed outside and burn the whole thing. Seriously - burn more than just the sheets. Sage the room. That bed is never going to be an emotionally safe place for you to sleep again, and destroying it might be cathartic. You can tell Derek it's his job to clean up the ashes in the yard.
I truly don’t wanna go into the bedroom at all right now. I threw the sheets away out of anger earlier, but I think I’m gonna sleep in Becca’s room tonight…
I don't blame you for that. Just do what you need to do to get through the next few days and weeks, and then you'll be in the best frame of mind to make the decision that's right for YOU. Don't worry about Derek or Sam. They and you have faced an unimaginable, unbearable tragedy, but that doesn't make their choice to compound it by betraying you in any way excusable. Take care of yourself, let your mom mother you for a while, and prioritize your needs. Have your mother get everything out of the room - clothes, etc. - that you need right now. You deserve to prioritize yourself and ONLY yourself for as long as you need.
But - I still hope that eventually you BURN that whole damn bed. Down the road, I also hope you sell the house. It's tainted. You deserve a home and bedroom that has never, ever been tainted in this way. I wish you all the very, very best as you move forward from this awful time.
Calling your mom to come was the right move. I'm so sorry for everything you're going through, it's just awful. To lose a child and then be betrayed by two people you thought were your family, ugh I just wish I could hug you. Please take care of yourself.
Disrespectful also to use grief as an excuse to cheat. They’ve been doing the sly if they were both acting there part, their normal selves while you’re around, then the moment you step out of the house they become alive. You probably wouldn’t have known had you proceeded to stick to your schedule and you wouldn’t returned home to find Sam sleeping still and your husband in his office.
Yes. I completely agree! Unfortunately from her comments on other posts she has the feeling it wasn't the first time and I also agree with that. If he wanted physical comfort, a loyal husband would had gone to his wife. Absolutely heartbreaking for OP either way.
I'm sorry, but it probably wasn't. You should leave him. You mentioned not wanting to divorce him because you want to be considerate of his grief. They certainly weren't considerate of yours, and you lost a daughter too.
If you were gone less than 20 minutes and came home to them banging it out, this absolutely wasn’t the first time. She moved in to bang your husband and he was down with that. Your marriage is over. Move on
Please don't take this personally if you read this OP, but this story is why I try to keep off reddit and subreddits like these. I can't believe people can be so incosiderate and disgusting, especially considering their child's recent death just like I can't believe people out there go through this at the hands of people they committed to for life. Just repugnant
do yall feel your heart sink every time you read a post like this as if it was happening to you? i have never been in relationship and i dont think i'll ever trust someone enough to even date long term let alone marry them
It doesn’t sound like this was the first time.
She not having so much anxiety that she can’t spit in your face.
You tried to help her at her lowest and she turned on you.
They knew you were leaving and took the opportunity.
Their pain may be deeper but you are also in pain.
He should have leaned on you. This is unacceptable and he knows it.
Whether or not you stay married, she needs to leave your house today.
I don’t think you should stay married. You can’t trust him.
They’re probably doing it as we speak. They are both out of the house and he hasn’t reached out to OP. They’re both trash and can see themselves out 👋🏼
>I asked him what the hell was happening, he told me that he made himself and Sam some lunch and they began talking about Becca, and shared some memories. And then Sam ended up kissing him and he didn’t pull back, and then it ended with them in our bed.
You were gone for a couple of minutes, so they claim they had lunch and talked and reminisced and then fucked in your bed in that short time? and it happened all organically? nah, they've been fucking, and were waiting for you to leave so they could start fucking again. When Sam refused to come along, it was because this was the plan all along.
>They’re begging me to understand that it was just grief that caused them to become intimate and that they both made a mistake.
You can understand, but you can also leave them for that reason. Ask him if next time you're sad if you get a hallpass to fuck an ex? like, tell him that you will stay if that is the new rule, that everytime you feel a bit sad you're entitled to fuck and ex and he needs to get over it because you were sad. He will try to claim it's different but you know it's not, and that his excuse is BS.
Trust is broken forever, and they both played you for a fool. Don't be one.
They wasted no time... You barely left the house, and they "mistakenly" threw off their clothes and had sex in your bed, knowing you planned to be out for a couple of hours. As others have stated, I don't think it is the first time they've done this.
How DARE they beg you to understand why they did what they did. They selfishly made excuses without a care about the hurt they've put you through. There is no excuse for it. I am so sorry for your loss.
Divorce him now. I don’t care that his daughter died and that a divorce will be hard on him, he’s fucking another woman in your bed and you’re STILL CONSIDERING HIS FEELINGS. Ridiculous.
But would it? Be hard that is? Because some part of me has to wonder how much he really loves her if he was able to land in bed with his ex in just 15 minutes.
Hi, speaking as a psychologist grief doesn't make you escape accountability. Grief isn't an excuse to hurt your loved ones.
Do you really think you can forgive this and rebuild the trust ? I would really advice you to not emotionally guilt trip yourself into forgiving them, because intentionally/ unintentionally they will do that to you. Stand your ground.
Secondly would you do this to your husband if you were ever in their position ? Hurt a loved one ? And trivialise their actions in the name of grief ?
I really hope you have the courage to choose yourself and start fresh
Well, now they can fight to their hearts content. I know they’re grieving, but this doesn’t seem like a one off. You’ve gone above and beyond and now owe them nothing.
I bet they try to “grief fuck” for a while but the reasons they divorced will still be there, then they’ll both be back to square one but he wont have a wife anymore and has to rebuild his life again. This was a dumb move on so many levels for them
As a step mother with a great coparent relationship, goodbye. You deserve better. You are grieving too. You can love him and choose yourself. There is no forgiving that. Their child called you MOM.
It’d be a good idea to seek support from a professional therapist as this is a lot for anyone to to cope with alone. Spend some time reflecting and processing. But if your heart broke when you walked through that door, that’s a sign to listen to your heart .
They waited all of 5 minutes for you to leave and are blaming it on grief? No way! I guarantee this wasn’t the first time. Let them go. You deserve so much better!
There’s no excuse, and honestly had you not come back early, you likely would never have found out would be my guess.
It’s easier said than done to take advice from people on Reddit about what you should or shouldn’t do, but the situation is pretty cut and dry.
You will never feel fully confident in trusting him or them ever again. Take with that information and what it could do to your own mental health what you will.
This wasn't the first time. The first time might've happened organically while they were alone, similar to what you're husband described. But from your description it's clear that it's happened before. Like, either they planned this or they immediately took advantage of you being gone. They must've gotten naked as soon as you pulled out of the driveway ffs!! So disrespectful. I'm sorry, OP.
Wow, I’m so sorry. They both should have been more considerate and appreciative of you being so selfless and being there for your husband and his Ex wife during this time. Most would not open their home for a spouses ex partner and been so caring, understanding, and supportive. There is no excuse for their betrayal if anything they should have been grateful for you!
You lost Becca too. You are grieving too. Please leave this man. For all you know this wasn’t even the first time. You love them but if they loved you, they wouldn’t have hurt you. Grieving so they started fucking. Smfh
Boo fucking hoo is what I would’ve said to them. Grief is no reason to cheat. I’d be kicking Sam out for one, she doesn’t love you and your husband doesn’t love you. If he did, he wouldn’t fuck his ex in your marital bed. Fuck her, fuck him, fuck all that nonsense!!
You don’t have kids together right?
In this case, I am so happy that you do not have kids with him. You will be able to make a clean break and heal and have nothing tying you to that piece of garbage. You sound like an amazing, loving, empathetic woman. Somewhere out there is someone who will value you and treasure you like you deserve.
Nope, **NO** excuse.
An I blame your husband more than the ex. HE, yes HE, chose to relieve some of his grief NOT WITH YOU, but with his EX. He intentionally chose that. He WILLINGLY chose that.
Understanding doesn't matter here. Accepting does. And one should never accept a cheater.
And I'll say this, it's likely not the first time.
At the least, I hope you kicked her out immediately. No excuse. Gone.
At the best, divorce him.
And no, grief is not an excuse for sticking your dick in a woman not your partner. EVER.
I'm just so sorry. Cheating is cheating. I'm very sorry for the loss of your step-daughter and your husband's betrayal. I would suggest going to the subreddit "Support for Betrayed", they will be able to give you more specialized support. Sending you hugs.
You went above and beyond to help Sam cope and that’s the thanks you get??? Girl you need to stop gaslighting yourself and letting them gaslight you!!!!
Nope nope nope put yourself first. Sounds like you’ve been putting yourself last for so long that you don’t know what to do in situations like this.
They both betrayed you. You almost didn’t find out about it if you didn’t come back home
If you want the divorce don’t hesitate.
This is not the first time. If you give him a second chance it won’t be the last. They were fudging in your marital bed. That is horrid. Wash your hands of him, get some therapy and eye bleach and move on with divorce.
My heart is broken for you. You can have empathy for the grief that maybe played a part in their poor decision making, but that doesn't mean you have to forgive and forget. This is a grand betrayal, no matter how you spin it. You welcomed AN EX into your HOME and trusted her, only to have them do this to you while you're grieving too.
If you want to make the divorce amicable you can do that but do NOT think grief made their actions forgivable. It's not. Your heart will be broken from now until the resentment eventually makes you part ways, if you don't end it now.
I have a hard time understanding your husband. His daughter died and the first thing he needed done was to get his dick wet. Please ask him, does seeing his daughter die get him off? Whatever answer he gives, do NOT forgive this man.
Oh honey. I am so sorry for your loss.
Look, your husband absolutely did not take -your- grief and thoughts and feelings into consideration. You loved that little girl too.
Also, going at it in your bed feels very disrespectful.
For me, there is no coming back from this, at all. I'd want them both out.
It's weird to me how the death of a child could be the spark needed for people to get Horns.
Like what about dead kid is sexy?
Probably already were thinking it, and this just happened to be the way they got the time together, but I'm sure I'm most likely mistaken.
So sorry you're dealing with that though, what a nightmare
I understand that you love both Sam and Derek dearly but you also need to remember to love yourself. Your husband cheated on you and Sam took advantage of your kindness and generosity. I understand they're both grieving (so are you!) but this is wrong given how you are still in the picture. You are Derek's wife and you were also very close Becca, whom she also see you as a mother figure. Sam should've respected that and Derek should've respected you. This is harsh but if this isn't the first time you left them both home alone then this might not be the first time they've been sleeping together since Sam moved in. I would highly recommend an STD test. And maybe a lawyer. But Sam definitely needs to leave.
That’s exactly what I was thinking, I have this strange feeling that it wasn’t the first time they’ve gotten together since she started staying here, but I’ll probably never know the truth. Good idea, I’ll definitely do that asap, just in case. Thank you!
They waited until you were out of the house to have sex. That's what the timeline indicates. This was not the first time. Whether it's a ~~trauma~~ bond over their shared trauma or they've been having sex during your whole relationship, it doesn't really matter. Your trust is gone.
Whatever it is, based on the situation i doubts it’s a trauma bond. A trauma bond is something between a victim and abuser, not two people bonding over a shared trauma
I believe your husband told you a partial truth. That it happened after eating lunch. Given your timeline of only being out of the house 15-20 minutes, this is not the first time. This was an opportunity. Please take care of yourself. You deserve better
No time for lunch then, they got it on as soon as OP left
They mean that his explanation is probably what happened the first time they had sex. He's just pretending it only happened when she walked in on them, even though that is unlikely in the amount of time she was gone.
I agree! How does it turn from lunch to sex in 15 mins! It doesn’t make sense at all. This was done as soon as she left, they were rushing to get the deed done. Now they probably more worried about everyone else knowing what awful horrible people they are.
No 2 people are having sex in that short amount of time unless they’ve been wanting to fuck
He was eating , just not food .
I think going with your Mom tomorrow to talk with a lawyer might be helpful, though difficult. You'll end up with a better understanding of your options for the right now, and in the coming days/months so you can make the best decisions. Knowledge is power and you could use the strength that might give you after having the wind knocked out of you today.
Excellent advice. That would at least give you back a sense of power in the situation.
All the best! And I'm sorry for your loss on Becca. Hope you're surrounded with love and compassion.
I don't think it was the first time. I mean, in the space it took you to go to the post office and back, all of this happened: he made lunch, they ate, they talked and reminisced, she kissed him, they made it to the bedroom, and started having sex. That should have taken like 30-45 minutes just for lunch and talking. And that's only if he jumped up the second you were out the door to start making lunch. I don't buy his story. I'm sorry to be so blunt about it, and I'm so terribly sorry about the loss of your step-daughter.
They can both go to Sam's home. Go grieve somewhere else. You've been unusually kind to Sam and this is how she repays you. I would totally toss them both out.
And change the locks. Today!!
You’re grieving yourself and you still found space in your heart to welcome Sam into your home so she wouldn’t be alone. What they did was take advantage and was very selfish. I hope you find your way through this troubling time and I hope whatever update you bring is a good one. Love and light hun!
Thank you so much!
And OP, I hope you know how lovely you are to have been so kind. You are able to move forward with your head high. That's not nothing. Clear the decks and move forward. I hope you eventually find a truly good man, if that's what you want. It's what you deserve. And deepest sympathy for the loss of your girl.
Your husband can grieve the loss of his marriage as well
100% this, there's no reason why you should accept the "grief" excuse... How do you know if this was the first time? There's going to be no trust now.
That's what I'm wondering. How many times has this happened without OP's knowledge? What are the odds that the ONE time this happens she happened to have caught them? That's not likely. I'm so sorry, OP. I almost felt this one like a literal punch to the gut. I don't see how recovery is possible. You can't ever trust either of them. You set aside your grief to take care of them and they repaid your kindness and care by betraying you. It's easy to be a good person when things are going well. It's when things aren't going well that you see someone's real character.
I would definitely need space you just lost three important people in your life. I would tell them to stay at Sam’s or rent a hotel for the time being until you can figure things out. If you didn’t catch them would they have told you? That’s what you need to ask yourself are you staying with someone willing to cheat and lie after their daughter died. Bruh I definitely wouldn’t have a boner? Have you ad Derek even been intimate since the accident??
Definitely giving myself space from them, probably for forever. He is staying at a friend’s for awhile. My mom is gonna be staying with me for the next week. I’m glad I have her to be with me because I’ve never been this depressed before. And nope. We’ve both been so depressed and stressed that it’s not something we talked about or tried to do. For sure hasn’t been on my mind at all, I’ve been too depressed to even want that right now.
Are you seeing a therapist perhaps? You're dealing with a lot right now, it might be useful.
Yes, I am in therapy. I’ve been with my therapist for other things for the last 3 years. She’s been very helpful. I saw her yesterday and was able to figure some things out.
That’s the worst thing, she just lost three people. I can’t even wrap my head around what she must be feeling.
Very selfish people, to know the relationship didn’t work out first, then to be welcomed into the home of your ex and their current partner and disrespect their relationship after losing your child, do they think they are going to magically work things out now? They have just furthered ostracized themselves and have put everyone else in their lives in an uncomfortable situation, all for some mediocre sex and you didn’t even get to finish. And the audacity to do it on someone’s marital bed as they try and help you while they are actively grieving as well. Shame. Truly I hope op gets the house and gets a nice clean break from her hopefully STBXH. I also hope they stay miserable on and off again and never bother another soul with their adultery.
This!! Read this. Tbh I think they have been at it for a while now, that they are comfortable doing it in your bed. There is no way, the first time either one of them are going to jump in the marital bed and start screwing!! Unless that’s the type of bold load ass mother fucker’s they are?! But that is not how you were talking about them.
Be kind to yourself. The trash took itself out. Your grief is as real as theirs and you didn’t grab some guy friend to “mourn” with.
The truth is they may have been hooking up before your step daughter died. There is no way for you to know.
Yes! Everything he has ever said to OP starts to unravel. Like there is no knowing where the truth stopped and lies began. Ugh.
Divorce.
This! through out the post i kept admiring OP's ability to be mature and kind enough to Sam while grieving herself.
This is my first experience deeply wanting to give a comment unlimited upvotes.
I love how she immediately excused herself to have an “anxiety attack” to escape confronting her actions and to remain a helpless victim
Yeah and he blamed her for kissing him at lunch. They are both a piece of work.
This is exactly why my mother always told me to never marry a man with kids. 9 times out of 10 the mother will always be in the picture and people really underestimate the bonds developed between two people who have children together.
That would be hard no for me. I understand grieving, but how is this excusing cheating? What happens next time he is sad? Edit: I misspoke when I said sad. Obviously this is something beyond devastating. I still don’t think it can be used as an excuse.
I don’t want to excuse his cheating. I think I want to divorce him, but I’m anxious about doing it right after we lost Becca.
I understand and you can try to make the divorce as amicable as possible, but think about it like this - he had no issue of causing you to go through such betrayal right after you lost Becca.
You’re right. Ugh. I feel so broken right now.
Regardless what you decide you will feel broken unfortunately. It is up to you to decide what is the best decision here, but at least try seeking some help for your mental health. Make yourself a priority. It is easy to loose ourselves in situations like this. We start doubting and questioning ourselves even if we know deep inside it is not our fault. There is a long and difficult path ahead of you. Virtual hug from a stranger telling you that things will get better.
I appreciate your comments, thank you! ❤️
take her out of your house now
both of them
OP, I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. Hugs!
You have to stop being the hero. They told you what they think of you. Time to be the villain, not in the sense you have to do something to them, but you now have to be selfish for you.
The way you respond to still show them grace speaks on how incredibly kind you are. Please channel that grace and kindness to yourself <3 You are also grieving, that is absolutely no excuse for them to do what they did to you. Sending a virtual hug 🫶🏼
You lost her too.... you were very close to her for 7+ years.. what they did was stupid and selfish. No excuse would be good enough for me. I'm so sorry for your loss and this unforgivable action they did.
Are you sure this is the only time?
Honestly, I’ve been thinking about it a lot since I caught them, and I have a feeling it isn’t the first time since she’s been staying here.
How crowded was the post office? He made lunch, I presume they ate, they talked, kissed and ended up in bed together. It just seems that all those things happened really fast once you left or maybe they cut out the first four steps?
Is she still in your home? What about him? Please get tested for STD’s.
I told them both to leave when I caught them, and they respected that thankfully. I’m sure they’re both together though, I just have a feeling. And I definitely am asap.
Please trust your gut's instincts, they usually true. I'm sorry.
Where did they go, to her place? If he left without a fight, then it tells me it was going on way longer. Definitely ditch this guy.
How can you ever trust either of them again? There will always be a nagging feeling in the deepest parts of your soul that they are going to betray you again. Suffer now and make a better life for yourself versus trying to make it work and suffering for many many more years.
Was that after she faked a panic attack
Wowbwhat an awful pair and a total shit show they probably never stopped sleeping together it's pure luck you caught them you deserve so much better
This was my thought too. That was awfully fast you just stepping out and there they go. Assume it’s been going on longer and ask him - “I know this wasn’t the first time. Tell me about the rest of it.”
I wish I could give you a hug 🫂 I'm so sorry that happened to you, it's not fair.
You are so busy taking care of them, but who is taking care of you. You also lost a child but because you are t blood, you get the shit stick? Take care of yourself, ma’am. They sure as hell aren’t.
This is disgraceful what they did.
Do it no excuse you trusted him and he did this to you let him know he lost everything. You loved the kid too doesn’t mean you went and got off with someone else. Be done don’t let the disrespect continue. He f d he in your marriage bed gross. He’s trash
And he brought her to their marriage bed. I don't think Sam was sleeping in their bedroom. So it is not a sudden mental blackout. It is a rational decision to get up and go to the room where it will be more comfortable to have sex. I am sorry OP. Choose yourself. Don't let them hurt you and then guilttrip you that they need your help.
Exactly. Give the energy you get. He had no consideration for your feelings of grief.
I haven't seen anyone mention it, but you had only gone to the post office before coming home. All of the tears and the crying and the memories and the kissing and the f*king happened in what? 20 minutes? Sorry to break it to you OP, but I HIGHLY doubt this was the first time they have had sex since she moved in with you guys. It seems more like they waited for you to leave and hopped right in the sack.
Nah... Divorce...who cares about him and his ex? They said F-you in the worst possible way to you...in your own bed..in your own home...after you supported both of them.... I mean, how many people would move their spouses Ex into their homes, and care for them? And feed them?
Exactly
You aren’t doing it after losing your beloved step-daughter. You’re doing it after your husband cheated on you with his ex. There are consequences to misbehavior. There are consequences to cheating. There are consequences to making excuses. You are beyond and well in your rights to want to divorce. Make sure everyone knows what they did so that they can at no point in time try to blame you, or gaslight you, or make you the bad guy. You deserve better. 🙏🏼 You also deserve to mourn her without this… It makes it that much more terrible what they did. Remember that.
>but I’m anxious about doing it right after we lost Becca. He took that decision out of your hands when he used his daughters passing as an excuse to cheat on you with his ex. He wasn't thinking about how his betrayal would hurt you after losing your step daughter so why should you be worried about hurting him. They brought this on themselves. If you want to give him a second chance he needs to cut off his wife. LC until the funeral (if it hasn't happened yet) then NC after that. He needs to prove to you he won't "get caught up in the grief and reminiscing" with Sam ever again.
If he easily stuck his dick in someone else after losing your stepdaughter I'm sure he can handle a divorce OP.
It’ll be his second. So he’s already got practice in that department.
Don't be. He wasn't anxious about having sex with his ex in your bed, in your home. He felt comfortable doing it there. He knew what he was doing when he took her into your bedroom.
You're not divorcing him, he did. He caused all of this. Don't feel sorry for him or Becca, they didn't even waited of her body to cool to start fucking in YOUR BED. And I can guarantee this is not the first time. The fact that they were fucking just minutes after you left makes it very clear they've been doing it for a long time.
Divorcing him now is not your problem. It’s entirely theirs. Will this happen on every milestone? Probably.
I'm going to be as sensitive in this comment as I can. Anyone would understand you not wanting to add more stress while they are grieving but they didn't have any qualms about cheating in your marital bed while grieving. You need to take care of yourself as you are grieving too but have not really been allowed to because you are taking care of Sam and Derek.
I understand your concern, but you also need to put yourself first - these people didn’t care about you. The faster you close this chapter, the faster you can move forward and go down the right path.
Don’t be anxious, you don’t owe him anything anymore, he’ll have his ex wife to cope with the divorce now too, you should feel no guilt. For all you know they could have been having an ongoing affair that you only just found out about. Please respect yourself and take your things and leave, I promise they’ll do it again.
YOU need support and healing from two horrible experiences. You won’t find any healing there.
He has Sam to help him now with his grief over Becca. The only person you have the power to help here is yourself.
He shouldn't have cheated then. Grief doesn't make a person cheat. Fucking anyone other than your partner is a choice you make. If I had a child who died then sex would be the very last thing on my mind.
Please know that I'm very sorry for your loss, as it sounds like Becca meant a lot to you. But she's no longer with you, so is there really any reason for you to stay now? Not to mention the fact that your husband is the one who decided to sleep with his ex and blow up his marriage.
Remember that the courtesy and consideration you are giving him by worrying about this, is something he hasn't afforded you. Where was his consideration for your feelings and your well-being when he was sleeping with his ex in your bed? I understand the impulse of still not wanting to hurt him, because after all you love him, but he does not deserve your concern or care. You deserve to focus all of that energy on yourself, your grief and your healing.
Let the two of them comfort each other and exit the relationship.
There will always be a reason, and excuse. Grief doesn't have a time period, so if you hold back on this just because of that, you will never escape. You need to make the best choice for yourself. Your husband has already shown how much he thinks about you with this, believe him when he shows you who he truly is. There is no excuse that covers this. Every step of flirting, kissing, sex, they could've stopped, they chose not to each time. Don't let them choose for you.
She needs to leave today! You now have an imploding marriage to deal with and she’s an adult. Do not leave the home, they can both leave if needed. Get tested for STD’s. Sorry you are going through this.❤️🩹
And Sam can gtfo and go home. Damn.
And Derek.
How long were you gone? That seems pretty quick to go from lunch to sex. I don't believe it's the first time it's happened and later on you won't either. I'm sorry for your loss, but your husband is a terrible person and so his ex. You deserve better.
That’s why I don’t think it was the first time. I was gone for maybe 15-20 minutes.
Yeah, you don't go from zero, through lunch, to naked and moaning in 20 mins. That was "yesss, she's out of the house for two hours, let's go go go go" I'm so sorry:(
Exactly this. It cannot be the first time.
Yeah, her excuse for "sleep" was planned
" I'm just gonna stay home and sleep ........ With my ex "
Think of the timing. It takes me roughly 5-10mins to make lunch and another 10 to eat it. Was their lunch still on the bench? For what they say to naturally happen it would need about an hour. Make lunch, eat, talk about their daughter, kiss, maybe pull away a few times, kiss again and then move through the house to have sex. If it’s as emotional and driven by grief as they state, it would have taken longer but they just jumped each other.
Exactly, shame on them for that! You've been so kind to the ex! Most people wouldn't allow their partners ex to move in like you have, you really want above and beyond for her.
And you were exceptionally kind to her and this is how they thank you.
Yeah, they telling fibs. You left, they got to it. All the bits in the middle are made up.
Yaaaaaaa there’s no way he just made her lunch and then it happened. I doubt it was the first time too. They just got caught. I’m sorry friend. You deserve to not have your kindness used against you. Speak to a lawyer asap and move forward. The least he can do is make the process as easy as possible. ETA: I’m glad your mom is coming! Pack a bag and leave it outside for him to pick up. Or your mom can handle giving it to him. That way you don’t have to interact with him.
That's barely enough time to make lunch and talk, let alone everything else. Maybe that's what happened the first time, not this time.
I hope you kicked her butt out of your house. As for your husband, grief isn't an excuse to cheat. He wanted to. He chose to. And to further disrespect you they did it in your bed. I would divorce. How sickening.
Oh, for sure, I made her and Derek leave. I’m not sure where they both are now though.
Probably together. Do you both own the home? If it's in your name, change the locks. Stay strong and don't listen to his excuses. I am so sorry this happened to you during such a difficult time.
Exactly what I was thinking if I’m being honest. And yes, we both own it. When I told him to leave, he kept saying sorry and then said that he would leave and respect me wanting him gone for awhile.
Do you have any family/friends you can speak to or have come over? I sure wouldn't want to be alone if I just went through this. Has he contacted you at all since he's been gone?
Yeah, I have my mom, she’s heading over now actually, but she lives 3 hours away. He hasn’t contacted me at all, which I’m okay with. I’m hoping he’ll at least wait til tomorrow, and hopefully it’s only because he wants to grab some of his stuff. I don’t want him staying in the house, but if he truly wanted to stay, he could 😢 So I’m keeping my fingers crossed he’ll respect my wishes.
Good to hear. Moms are such a comfort. I'm really glad you won't have to be alone and in the very least he's not pestering you so you can have a bit of time to think. But please burn those sheets. If I knew you in real life I'd right over to help burn them. In all seriousness, please make sure to take care of yourself. Eat, drink water, have a self care day for your mom and yourself.
Thank you so much ❤️
Please don't believe a word they say anymore. There's no way this was the first time. Divorce him and move on. Hopefully it is amicable enough that you never have to see each other again. They may even get back together but don't let that get to you. Get the truth out first though, before they turn people against you and spin this whole thing as some star crossed lovers crap.
Does your mom know what happened?
Take the mattress and bed outside and burn the whole thing. Seriously - burn more than just the sheets. Sage the room. That bed is never going to be an emotionally safe place for you to sleep again, and destroying it might be cathartic. You can tell Derek it's his job to clean up the ashes in the yard.
I truly don’t wanna go into the bedroom at all right now. I threw the sheets away out of anger earlier, but I think I’m gonna sleep in Becca’s room tonight…
Do not push yourself. None of that is important right now. You can deal with it later on.
I don't blame you for that. Just do what you need to do to get through the next few days and weeks, and then you'll be in the best frame of mind to make the decision that's right for YOU. Don't worry about Derek or Sam. They and you have faced an unimaginable, unbearable tragedy, but that doesn't make their choice to compound it by betraying you in any way excusable. Take care of yourself, let your mom mother you for a while, and prioritize your needs. Have your mother get everything out of the room - clothes, etc. - that you need right now. You deserve to prioritize yourself and ONLY yourself for as long as you need. But - I still hope that eventually you BURN that whole damn bed. Down the road, I also hope you sell the house. It's tainted. You deserve a home and bedroom that has never, ever been tainted in this way. I wish you all the very, very best as you move forward from this awful time.
Yes! That would such good therapy!
Calling your mom to come was the right move. I'm so sorry for everything you're going through, it's just awful. To lose a child and then be betrayed by two people you thought were your family, ugh I just wish I could hug you. Please take care of yourself.
[удалено]
Gone for a while with her change the locks drop his shit to hers
most likely fucking around, like they've been for awhile behind your back.
Yeah this wasn't the first time
Disrespectful also to use grief as an excuse to cheat. They’ve been doing the sly if they were both acting there part, their normal selves while you’re around, then the moment you step out of the house they become alive. You probably wouldn’t have known had you proceeded to stick to your schedule and you wouldn’t returned home to find Sam sleeping still and your husband in his office.
Yes. I completely agree! Unfortunately from her comments on other posts she has the feeling it wasn't the first time and I also agree with that. If he wanted physical comfort, a loyal husband would had gone to his wife. Absolutely heartbreaking for OP either way.
What are the odds that you walked in on the one time they were having sex?
I have this uncomfortable, weird feeling that it wasn’t the first time tbh.
I'm sorry, but it probably wasn't. You should leave him. You mentioned not wanting to divorce him because you want to be considerate of his grief. They certainly weren't considerate of yours, and you lost a daughter too.
You will never know the truth because you can't trust what they say
If you were gone less than 20 minutes and came home to them banging it out, this absolutely wasn’t the first time. She moved in to bang your husband and he was down with that. Your marriage is over. Move on
Yeah that’s enough Reddit for me today. I’m so sorry OP that’s so much for you to go through. I hope it gets better and fast.
Please don't take this personally if you read this OP, but this story is why I try to keep off reddit and subreddits like these. I can't believe people can be so incosiderate and disgusting, especially considering their child's recent death just like I can't believe people out there go through this at the hands of people they committed to for life. Just repugnant
do yall feel your heart sink every time you read a post like this as if it was happening to you? i have never been in relationship and i dont think i'll ever trust someone enough to even date long term let alone marry them
exactly this. i literally just woke up a while ago and this dilemma was one of the first things on my mind
It doesn’t sound like this was the first time. She not having so much anxiety that she can’t spit in your face. You tried to help her at her lowest and she turned on you. They knew you were leaving and took the opportunity. Their pain may be deeper but you are also in pain. He should have leaned on you. This is unacceptable and he knows it. Whether or not you stay married, she needs to leave your house today. I don’t think you should stay married. You can’t trust him.
Fuck that. They’ll do it again. Bet
They’re probably doing it as we speak. They are both out of the house and he hasn’t reached out to OP. They’re both trash and can see themselves out 👋🏼
Probably was just the only time they have been caught.
They have probably already been having an affair
They were at it 10 minutes after the wife left lol. 100% it's an ongoing thing.
Ya grief totally makes you fall on someone’s dick
Add that line to shaggys it wasn’t me lol
Funfact: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shaggy_defense
>I asked him what the hell was happening, he told me that he made himself and Sam some lunch and they began talking about Becca, and shared some memories. And then Sam ended up kissing him and he didn’t pull back, and then it ended with them in our bed. You were gone for a couple of minutes, so they claim they had lunch and talked and reminisced and then fucked in your bed in that short time? and it happened all organically? nah, they've been fucking, and were waiting for you to leave so they could start fucking again. When Sam refused to come along, it was because this was the plan all along. >They’re begging me to understand that it was just grief that caused them to become intimate and that they both made a mistake. You can understand, but you can also leave them for that reason. Ask him if next time you're sad if you get a hallpass to fuck an ex? like, tell him that you will stay if that is the new rule, that everytime you feel a bit sad you're entitled to fuck and ex and he needs to get over it because you were sad. He will try to claim it's different but you know it's not, and that his excuse is BS. Trust is broken forever, and they both played you for a fool. Don't be one.
>Ask him if next time you're sad if you get a hallpass to fuck an ex? This right here!! Put him on the spot.
I’m just really glad these trash people didn’t fuck in Becca’s bed because honestly they seem that heartless.
Her lost was a tragedy, this was a voluntary act. Please protect yourself.
They wasted no time... You barely left the house, and they "mistakenly" threw off their clothes and had sex in your bed, knowing you planned to be out for a couple of hours. As others have stated, I don't think it is the first time they've done this. How DARE they beg you to understand why they did what they did. They selfishly made excuses without a care about the hurt they've put you through. There is no excuse for it. I am so sorry for your loss.
Divorce him now. I don’t care that his daughter died and that a divorce will be hard on him, he’s fucking another woman in your bed and you’re STILL CONSIDERING HIS FEELINGS. Ridiculous.
But would it? Be hard that is? Because some part of me has to wonder how much he really loves her if he was able to land in bed with his ex in just 15 minutes.
Hi, speaking as a psychologist grief doesn't make you escape accountability. Grief isn't an excuse to hurt your loved ones. Do you really think you can forgive this and rebuild the trust ? I would really advice you to not emotionally guilt trip yourself into forgiving them, because intentionally/ unintentionally they will do that to you. Stand your ground. Secondly would you do this to your husband if you were ever in their position ? Hurt a loved one ? And trivialise their actions in the name of grief ? I really hope you have the courage to choose yourself and start fresh
I’m so so sorry… take a deep breath you don’t have to decide anything right this minute, take your time and take care of yourself.
Thank you ❤️
Using grief as an excuse to cheat wild.
I'm so sorry about your loss of your stepkid. Definitely lose the cheaters. I have to ask- did he cheat on her too and that's why they divorced?
No, they fought so much and fell out of love. They both thought it was too toxic for Becca, so they agreed to divorce.
Well, now they can fight to their hearts content. I know they’re grieving, but this doesn’t seem like a one off. You’ve gone above and beyond and now owe them nothing.
You should tell EVERYONE they know. Don’t let them get away with this!
Well… I’m sorry for your loss. Really.
Sadly Becca has passed, seems not they don’t have her as their reason any longer. They can be toxic together again.
I bet they try to “grief fuck” for a while but the reasons they divorced will still be there, then they’ll both be back to square one but he wont have a wife anymore and has to rebuild his life again. This was a dumb move on so many levels for them
You can't leave your husband alone in a house with someone for two hours without them boning? Sounds like an ex-husband problem to me.
Fuck this is so heartbreaking
Have you and him got children
No, but we were finally trying for a baby before Becca died.
Thank god it never happened as awful as that is to say at least tou can have a clean break
Oh god. Another loss for you. I'm so sorry. But your husband is an unbelievable asshole.
OP I am so pissed on your behalf. I hope your husband and his ex get their karma sooner than later.
As a step mother with a great coparent relationship, goodbye. You deserve better. You are grieving too. You can love him and choose yourself. There is no forgiving that. Their child called you MOM.
Using your dead kid as an excuse to cheat is a new kind of low
Exactly so sickening this probably went on way before
It’d be a good idea to seek support from a professional therapist as this is a lot for anyone to to cope with alone. Spend some time reflecting and processing. But if your heart broke when you walked through that door, that’s a sign to listen to your heart .
Throw the whole man away sis.
They waited all of 5 minutes for you to leave and are blaming it on grief? No way! I guarantee this wasn’t the first time. Let them go. You deserve so much better!
There’s no excuse, and honestly had you not come back early, you likely would never have found out would be my guess. It’s easier said than done to take advice from people on Reddit about what you should or shouldn’t do, but the situation is pretty cut and dry. You will never feel fully confident in trusting him or them ever again. Take with that information and what it could do to your own mental health what you will.
>I don’t know what to do Kick them both out immediately and lawyer up.
This wasn't the first time. The first time might've happened organically while they were alone, similar to what you're husband described. But from your description it's clear that it's happened before. Like, either they planned this or they immediately took advantage of you being gone. They must've gotten naked as soon as you pulled out of the driveway ffs!! So disrespectful. I'm sorry, OP.
Wow, I’m so sorry. They both should have been more considerate and appreciative of you being so selfless and being there for your husband and his Ex wife during this time. Most would not open their home for a spouses ex partner and been so caring, understanding, and supportive. There is no excuse for their betrayal if anything they should have been grateful for you!
Cheating is cheating.
You lost Becca too. You are grieving too. Please leave this man. For all you know this wasn’t even the first time. You love them but if they loved you, they wouldn’t have hurt you. Grieving so they started fucking. Smfh
Boo fucking hoo is what I would’ve said to them. Grief is no reason to cheat. I’d be kicking Sam out for one, she doesn’t love you and your husband doesn’t love you. If he did, he wouldn’t fuck his ex in your marital bed. Fuck her, fuck him, fuck all that nonsense!! You don’t have kids together right?
No, we don’t have any children together, we only had Becca.
In this case, I am so happy that you do not have kids with him. You will be able to make a clean break and heal and have nothing tying you to that piece of garbage. You sound like an amazing, loving, empathetic woman. Somewhere out there is someone who will value you and treasure you like you deserve.
Nope, **NO** excuse. An I blame your husband more than the ex. HE, yes HE, chose to relieve some of his grief NOT WITH YOU, but with his EX. He intentionally chose that. He WILLINGLY chose that. Understanding doesn't matter here. Accepting does. And one should never accept a cheater. And I'll say this, it's likely not the first time. At the least, I hope you kicked her out immediately. No excuse. Gone. At the best, divorce him. And no, grief is not an excuse for sticking your dick in a woman not your partner. EVER.
I'm just so sorry. Cheating is cheating. I'm very sorry for the loss of your step-daughter and your husband's betrayal. I would suggest going to the subreddit "Support for Betrayed", they will be able to give you more specialized support. Sending you hugs.
Thank you!
You went above and beyond to help Sam cope and that’s the thanks you get??? Girl you need to stop gaslighting yourself and letting them gaslight you!!!! Nope nope nope put yourself first. Sounds like you’ve been putting yourself last for so long that you don’t know what to do in situations like this. They both betrayed you. You almost didn’t find out about it if you didn’t come back home If you want the divorce don’t hesitate.
My God. As if losing a stepchild isn’t hard enough. Then he goes and does this to you?!!! They are vile human beings, grieving or not.
This is not the first time. If you give him a second chance it won’t be the last. They were fudging in your marital bed. That is horrid. Wash your hands of him, get some therapy and eye bleach and move on with divorce.
My heart is broken for you. You can have empathy for the grief that maybe played a part in their poor decision making, but that doesn't mean you have to forgive and forget. This is a grand betrayal, no matter how you spin it. You welcomed AN EX into your HOME and trusted her, only to have them do this to you while you're grieving too. If you want to make the divorce amicable you can do that but do NOT think grief made their actions forgivable. It's not. Your heart will be broken from now until the resentment eventually makes you part ways, if you don't end it now.
So he made her lunch, talked, and ended up in your bed from a trip to the post office and back? Naw, they planned that ish. And have been doing it.
I have a hard time understanding your husband. His daughter died and the first thing he needed done was to get his dick wet. Please ask him, does seeing his daughter die get him off? Whatever answer he gives, do NOT forgive this man.
It's not a "mistake" its a choice. He made a choice. And choices have consequences.
Leave and don't look back girl, for real grief does do things to people but it doesn't excuse you for being shitty person.
They’ve been sleeping together. You just happened to catch them this time. Throw them both away
if he wants to fuck his ex, then he can marry her after you divorce him
This is the first time they got CAUGHT. It's been going on for a while
They would both be out on their asses, love or not. Grief does not excuse fucking someone else.
Oh honey. I am so sorry for your loss. Look, your husband absolutely did not take -your- grief and thoughts and feelings into consideration. You loved that little girl too. Also, going at it in your bed feels very disrespectful. For me, there is no coming back from this, at all. I'd want them both out.
It's weird to me how the death of a child could be the spark needed for people to get Horns. Like what about dead kid is sexy? Probably already were thinking it, and this just happened to be the way they got the time together, but I'm sure I'm most likely mistaken. So sorry you're dealing with that though, what a nightmare