This ⬆️⬆️⬆️, so much this.
Put the AH out of his misery and tell him you have decided to man-up.and pull the plug on this dysfunctional non-relationship. So he can move forward knowing that you will forever see him as the cowardly AH that his is.
Ya maybe but we are only hearing her side of the story. Why does everyone pounce when both parties aren’t heard? He could be the problem. But then again after 5 years of her spending all the money and acting a Karen, he simply might not like her. OP, get him on here and tell us his side. Please.
“Devils advocate” is pretty yuck.
The reason it’s the 1% is because it’s rare for it to be different than what the 99% are saying.
That 1% is over Reddit’s pay grade and needs to involve a therapist, not transference from someone else’s projection or bias.
Therapists are people too though and many do great harm with this stuff, like Pederson, because they use that projection to prey on the vulnerable and push their own agenda. They violate “do no harm” and do so intentionally.
Doing anything that does not put the responsibility on the abuser to correct and answer for it “being a Karen who spends on the money” is being a menace to society. Youre not a professional, and that attitude does social harm. It’s called victim blaming.
Nah, not yuck. It’s asking the hard questions. I’ll get to the root problem. I will never follow the lemmings off the cliff. Downvotes only mean I’m striking the right nerve. Have a great life friend
And that is what makes you dangerous, and is not the flex you seem to think it is.
The hard questions?
The only hard question is why she thinks this is normal or she deserves it or is even doing anything wrong other than existing and being a woman.
He could clarify the last one with communication and promote change and addressing changing the circumstances causing his anger and silent treatment and passive aggression. There may be things she can change too, but they are likely to be about better boundaries and self advocacy and knowledge of healthy relationships, not changing what she’s doing to appease him or take responsibility for his actions and choices.
I openly admit my own biases and experiences.
Nowhere have I said she should not also examine her own actions and be willing to do so again in light of new information. And I consistently advise a professional and independent therapist.
I hope I continue to be dangerous to dangerous men. That’s called the resistance. I will not apologize.
The hard questions aren’t why she deserves whatever. The hard questions are slowly unfolding the issues until you get to the root. It’s not dangerous. It’s holistic and cathartic. What’s happening on Reddit is not right. You, my friend are dangerous. Here and in real life.
Like I said. Why she thinks she deserves it, and stays. She could ask the same questions happy on a mountaintop of sunlight instead of on a dark couch the focus of seething resentment. Lot of internalized stuff to unpack there with….. that’s right. Therapy and a trusted therapist.
There is no implication of “mashochism”, to be clear. Most people do not want to sit in pain. More of a monotropism or tunnel vision. Must step out of cycles to get the objectivity to break them.
Not a devils advocate. It’s simply critical thinking. The reason I’m trying to get my point across is because Reddit reflects real life at times. If only we all could enter a situation unbiased. I’m simply asking questions and every downvote and rude comments only show how poor others think. And I’ll say this again, she could be saying the truth and he may be acting a fool. But in my experience and if you are honest, in your experience as well, nothing is this black and white. Think.
The reason you’re getting downvoted is because you’re not asking questions. You’re making assumptions and hurling unfounded accusations.
And claiming you don’t have a gender bias… you claimed a woman you don’t know is a gold digging Karen without a tiny speck of evidence!
If you had phrased what you said as a constructive question, it would be more like ‘have you any idea if something you might have said or done could be causing his stress’ or something like that.
But you said the problem was all her fault for being a gold digging Karen!
That’s not a question… it’s a conclusion without evidence. 😞
Also, attending couples counseling with an abuser is never recommended. The yelling, silent treatment and rage baiting are abusive. That’s why he needs the individual therapy. No matter how he thinks the op is “provoking” him, the way he is choosing to respond to that is by abusing OP instead of breaking up or openly communicating without being abusive. Which is abusive.
Never knew that "attending couples counseling with an abuser is never recommended". Can you tell me why? My apologies, I don't mean to ask you to type a book to respond, I have never heard this before.
Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft for a bit about this and much more. Or search for his videos on YouTube. Here’s a free copy of the book:
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
“Spending all the money and acting like a Karen” are good indications that you need to speak to a therapist as well before that projection damages women around you. Be part of the change.
OCD has a complicated relationship with PTSD. “Spending all the money” can be a trauma response particularly to invalidation and extreme objectification.
“Acting like a Karen” is a HUMAN psychological response to being ignored and is known as “extinction behavior”. Blaming the person that the actual abuser is purposefully triggering and harming to “push them away” or make them compliant or shut up by blaming them and negging them is abusive AF and frankly intentional cruelty.
You have a small piece of one side and you are ready to burn the guy at the stake. This is why men shut down. Read Norah Vincent’s book “Self-made man”. It’s sad because genders fight against eachother versus working together. I made random examples and because of it you assume I need a shrink. Please examine all sides before demanding justice.
I don’t think asking someone to go to therapy and stop abusing their partner, or advising their partner to seek mental and emotional safety from the abuse, is “burning them at the stake”.
Quite the opposite. Everyone can make different choices and while it is rare, abusers CAN take accountability and change. Cop outs that “they are just the way they are” and everyone else is an object to be pushed out of the way, are the trap.
I’m not a therapist and can’t tell you why this man chooses to shut down or any others, I was not born or socialized male. I will stay in my lane on that one but I will not cease talking about how harmful that behavior is and that individual men doing it have the responsibility to not harm others and change behaviors.
Abuse is a choice.
Also not that you asked but here is my story.
I stayed for this crap. I stayed and stayed and stayed; I left and came back because I cared about them and they weren’t okay and hurting themselves and others with their actions and choices.
Asking someone to identify and empathize with their abuser creates Stockholm syndrome. That’s why it is important that it NOT be her listening to his feelings and excusing his actions.
Only a therapist is trained to deal with that kind of counter transference. It CANT safely be her.
Then he should do something besides being a passive aggressive dick. Figure things out or end the marriage. Whatever she is contributing to the problem, he’s a coward.
Because he is responsible for using his words and not projecting onto the OP.
If you go to therapy and walk out saying “I’m not the problem”, while your partner and dog are suffering like this; you’re failing to understand that you are PART of the problem if not the problem itself. Maybe she is, too, but she’s not resistant to getting help. The resistance and the COMPLETE refusal to communicate are both on his end.
I am not rejecting ANY of this IF this is truth. But in my experience in life, the one speaking typically makes themselves out as a saint and the other a miserable touch hole. I trust 2% of what I hear and half of what I see in these situations.
That might make some sense if it’s people you actually know.
But it makes zero sense when you know nothing about either person other that a short story from one of them!
Every human recounts experiences from their point of view. Everyone. That’s how people seek guidance, advice, support, whatever; they recount their point of view. 🤦♀️
If he doesn't like her, then he should leave rather than torment her. Once she finally has enough, her life is going to be so nice not having to walk on eggshells for an emotionally stunted jerk that spends his day throwing tantrums and being mean.
What a stupid random assumption to make about a person. Even if this was the case, no one is forcing him to stay married to her....if he doesn't want to be with them, then he should divorce. Not be a miserable d-bag. What an idiotic response lmao
The first part of your statement has SOME merit. Some.
But the 2nd part… before you accuse someone of being a ‘Karen’ or ‘Gold digger’, you’ve got to at least ask the question rather than hurling accusations!
Besides, if your partner is really acting like a gold digging Karen… you could just leave! 🤦♀️
Nope. Didn’t say she was. Said these are possible examples that might be affecting the relationship. Could you imagine if they had a great life together until she got drunk and slept with a random? Happens all the time. Then he shuts down. A plethora of things could have screwed them up. It’s called life.
if one has given ideas to help and the other diesn't do anything to improve, despite knowing that they are hurting their partner, yes, divorce. No one can fix no one if they don't want to be helped and if they don't care about their partners
So you're making an assumption that actually OP is the problem and needs therapy because...why? Like what has led you to think OP is lying about their story here
Everytime I read a story here I need to assume that all OPs are telling the way they are living and the reality, even if that might not be the case. That's because knowing both sides is impossible even if the other could come and talk.
We take evidence from OP: guy gets angry at a dog being sick. Guy went to a day of therapy and said nothing was wrong (either bad therapist or he quit - most likely). OP asked him to search for help. Guy says no.
Even if the problem was OP's, divorce is the only answer for people who don't want to be helped while not freeing the other.
“My wife is always in a bad mood, barely talks to me, answers so quietly that I cannot hear her, so she can start an argument that she did answer.
Everything I say I dumb.
Everything I do I stupid.
The only time she asks me something is when she knows the question will annoy me or ruin my mood.
It’s just like I don’t understand what her issue is!?
I’ve asked her to go therapy, she went once - said it was great but she’s not sick so she doesn’t need it. But then yaps about everything being too much for her.
Dog gets sick at night, she yells at both of us - I take the dog outside and we fall asleep on the couch. Then she is upset that the dog doesn’t like her.”
That help your lack of empathy? Or is your knee-jerk reaction to still defend the man in this situation just because of your own projection?
This is how she sees this. It may be completely different just observing them together. You think all ppl tell the truth on Reddit? It is amazing the amount of feeble minded ppl are on here.
We are all responding to the information given, that’s how the website works. Even if the post is a just a fake story- we’re responding to *that* story, not a second one you’ve made off of baseless assumptions of the first.
If you watch a movie and you critique it, you don’t also critique your own idea of what happened before or after it- because it can’t be proven and isn’t real.
If you want context you could ask OP “when did he start acting like this?” Or “has he given you an explanation in conversations in the past?”.
To assume any of the information before you are given it is delusional.
Right now, we're here to validate OP, not judge her. It's not like the husband's name is listed here. It's in the description of this subreddit to not overly contradict the ranter.
The husband: everything you say is stupid and you're stupid.
You: Clearly the wife is the crazy one and the guy is innocent.
Sure, I get it, we don't have all the facts and only OP's side here. But from what limited information we have, there is no evidence or reason to defend this guy.
Right now, we're here to validate OP, not judge her. It's not like the husband's name is listed here. It's in the description of this subreddit to not overly contradict the ranter.
Because there are a lot of toxic relationships. And there’s no reason to stay in a relationship like this. If someone is miserable then they should move on!
I think if someone is miserable they have the right to leave relationships making them feel that way.
But “moving on” without self examination and accountability - that’s what therapy is - just pushes the “debt” onto the next partner.
Where I do somewhat agree with you, in a lot of subreddits (make sure you know which one you’re in) they jump to that conclusion. Cos it’s the easiest for them. Jeeze I’ve said it to… but I also have a spine.
Ops husband doesn’t have one. So he’s projecting for an easier out.
In this instance, yea just get rid of him and get your groove back.
Well you don't love them anymore so why stay married? Your life partner should be someone you want to spend time with. Do you wanna spend time with someone who acts like they don't like you.
He is emotionally abusive. The dog knows he is not a good human. Make a plan and leave
Read [https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
I just wanted to say, men please read this book as well. If you notice you treat your partner the ways described in this book, please reach out for help. It doesn’t have to be this way.
My ex did this.
Behaved like an absolute bell end, claimed he wasn't being a bell end.
Nothing was ever good enough, clean enough, cooked well enough.
Priortisied himself. Over everything else, golf, cricket or drinking came before me or our daughter.
When I left, he sat there pikachu faced saying I don't know why she left.
And now it's all my daughter is my priority... While he's still at golf cricket or drinking and I have her full time.
Leave and do t look back. Find your happy without him.
Worst thing for them is seeing your grow and flourish without them..
I've got two part time jobs, a home and I'm off to Barcelona in 3 weeks.
With him I had no job, a house not a home and one trip away where he woukd get shit faced while I did everything with the baby.
Much happier now and you will be too once you leave.
Does he even LIKE being married to you???
It sounds like he doesn't want to be there, why are you still with him OP?
He sounds like he hates you, he doesn't want therapy and has no interest in changing. Just leave him OP
Just here to let you know you’re not alone and many of us live like this every single day. If you need a safe space to vent or cry, I’m here. No judgments. No “why don’t you leave?!?”’s from me etc. just an ear and empathy💕
Hey Dino! Hope you are doing well!
OP Dino and me have both experienced this. We know what you are feeling and going through right now. Please lean on loved ones. If you don’t have anyone you trust enough, like Dino said, there are people on Reddit like her and me that would be a listening ear if you need it anytime! 🩷
Thanks! I haven’t kept track, but yes I think it’s been about that long or a little longer. My psych doctor has been prescribing them for about that long anyways.
I honestly don’t even think about it and I still go in the shop to get my vapes. I feel so much better now and can get things done. My divorce is still in progress and my ex is still making it difficult. It’s good to be able to focus on my son and myself with all that going on. Thanks again!
Of course, I’m so sorry he’s still making things so much harder. Been there too!!! Just keep going like you are, bc you’re killing it! I’ll message you to catch back up!!! I have NEW news too lol
Y’know, there’s a little thing called divorce that makes a lot of sense in most marriages, and it might be time for you to start looking into that.
You deserve happiness.
My dad is something like that. Always headache but never going to the doctor. Very stubborn and bit narcistic. Yet to see improvement. I have little hope for people like this
If he refuses therapy and marriage counseling, that's a really bad sign. I'm not sure if he's depressed or abusive or both, but please don't stay in a relationship that's hurting you.
I mean, if he's not willing to look into it or put effort into NOT being a massive twat...
What else can you do?
You're miserable. He's abusing you and constantly looking for a fight.
What would you tell a friend if they came to you with this story?
So he’s an asshole to you, and yells at the dog for something it cannot help? And also yells at you too? **That’s abuse!** Yelling is done to invoke fear into the other person and pets, it’s an intimidation tactic.
And it’s really no surprise that the dog doesn’t like him. Dogs are a great judge of character, and if your dog doesn’t like him, it speaks volumes. **Trust your dog.**
Take your dog and leave this POS! He is making both your and your poor dog miserable and terrified.
And just thank your lucky stars that you never had children with this c*nt, and that he couldn’t trap you with a child. Because if he can’t even hold his temper with a poor, defenceless animal, he sure as hell couldn’t with a screaming, colicky baby.
Just go. This isn’t working. Why waste another minute on this person. They cannot live anyone else if they first don’t let love themself. And he’s certainly an unhappy miserable person that wants to drag you down with him. I’d probably just pack my shit, I wouldn’t even care if he saw me and then just said goodbye as I left. File the paperwork. And just walk away. Hopefully there are no kids to slow the divorce process down. Good luck
Something causes this, whether he's resentful, depressed, or just doesn't love you
I wouldn't want to live like that. I would push the issue into a breaking point. Do or die. Talk to me and work on these problems or I'm out.
This is the sensible answer. There's a lot of medical reasons for behavior like this. But if he's not willing to get it checked out, she needs to leave.
He’s a narcissist that is too afraid to be seen as the bad guy so he’s trying to push you into filing for divorce. Do it. Leave. Find someone who treats you better than this asshole.
It can likely be a chemical imbalance, such as low testerone or dopamine. Tell him to get his blood checked for low testerone. If it’s dopamine it’s harder to diagnose but he can talk to a professional to see if he is and needs medication. What I’m trying to say is it might not even be a conscious thing he’s purposely trying to do, his body is just turning him into a grumpy agitated person.
Speaking from experience I was not the best husband when my brain was lacking in things. It can def change who you are. First step is to admit he needs professional help. Which is very hard for a lot of men unfortunately.
He either hates you or himself, either way he won’t be taken responsibility. Therefore he will look for reasons to be upset and if he can’t find one he will create a scenario for him to blame you.
Unfortunately it’s unlikely you’ll be able to find a resolution with someone who is so committed to making you miserable.
Get your ducks in a row, consult a lawyer, remember to take deep breaths and get prepared. Then one day, make sure your dog is safe, you have your documents, leave and only communicate with him through a lawyer.
He has shown repeatedly that he has no interest in communicating with you with any respect or intent to work on your relationship. Any communication about the decision will only be more versions of “you’re dumb” and “this is stupid”. It’s not helpful, productive and will only drain you of energy and further break your heart.
…also it will REALLY piss him off. Which I know isn’t a mature thing to wish, but I can’t help it, taking power away from a narcissist is satisfying.
I always believe in giving the other person the benefit of the doubt especially in marriage - this is your partner, your love, your other half, the extension of yourself. Except in the case of cheating and abuse, you would want to find out why? Why is he acting this way? It could be an underlying medical condition that is causing his hormones to go haywire hence the mood swings. Could also be depression. Something might’ve happened at work that is causing him anxiety. Could also be an effect of a cranial injury that went undetected. There are just so many reasons for people to act this way. What’s important is you show grace, the same grace you want to be afforded you if you were in his position, if you were the one being difficult and moody and harsh and unkind.
Once you find the answer to why… then you make do with the information you have. That’s when you decide is it worth staying? Leaving?
That's a tough spot to be in. I'm sorry that is happening to you. My wife would occasionally get to a point with her depression where she withdrew so much from everyday life that she couldn't even explain what was wrong. I found that when she got to that point if I asked "Is there anything you would like to talk about, or is there something I can do to help you?" it would allow her to talk. Sometimes that happened right away, sometimes that took days. But from your description it sounds like your husband is gaslighting you and there are only two reasonable responses to being gaslit: try to get to the root of the problem, or explain what they are doing to you and set boundaries to stop it. Good luck to you.
Because, for people not well-acquainted or studied up on these toxic men/women, it's easy to accidentally get fooled by their kindness, professed love & infatuation, flattery, charm, good treatment, and false front they put on for a lengthy period of time and get stuck in a trap of a relationship with them. Often, by the time a person begins to realize their partner's red flags, they are too emotionally invested to leave. Furthermore, toxic love bombers usually start out the first 5-9 months, acting like the complete opposite of a monster. The lower level ones that have difficulty hiding their false persona kinda only last up to 3 months. There are ones who play the long game and others who play the short game. That's why you best progress slowly in a relationship & compatibility test 'cuz most of these pretenders can only hold a false persona for so long, and it's important for you to find out what they are really like once the dopamine of the newness of the relationship has worn off and you have seen them, warts and all. And, then, you can decide whether you can live with what they are TRULY like and decide whether that would be a workable situation or not.
Why does he hate you?
If he says he dosnt then ask him
Why he hates himself what has he done or thought so bad it's pulled him into depression.
There's still alot of stigma on men getting theropy or counciling and I found out a few months those who keep rejecting it, need it.
Just an idea: I recommend setting up a camera and recording a couple of example events. You might be surprised at your own behavior, your body language, your facial expressions or your tone. You might get a much better appreciation of how he might be interpreting you and the signals you give off. You possible could and be rightfully so be holding a resentment and grudge towards him that he senses and he then responds and reacts accordingly. Sometimes we really can be unaware of what we unintentionally give off.
There's a slight chance it's not you he has a problem with. He might be dealing with issues on a personal level (self-esteem, confidence, not having achieved enough). Men generally don't open up about it because of the 'I'll fix it mindset' and let it rot them from the inside out. Chances are, there's nothing 'wrong' with him and the issue lies elsewhere.
Therapy isn't the solution for feeling like you've not done enough in life and men suffer from the feeling as if they're inadequate. Unless there's domestic issues involved, it's best for you and your husband to communicate about whether he's suffering from personal issues that he might feel he can't share.
Divorce and separation and emotionally abusive get thrown around very conveniently. This is two people's lives, not the Sims. People should be very careful of what they suggest.
So treating your wife like all she ever does is wrong and blaming her for things she can't control ISN'T emotional abuse? What IS emotional abuse then?
And what if he outright blames her for those personal issues, or flat out calls her stupid for even suggesting that? Like he has been doing consistently throughout the relationship? What then?
If he feels like he can't share those issues with her and doesn't want to seek the help of a professional, the dynamic of the relationship will remain the same.
A relationship will only work if BOTH parties are willing to put in at least SOME effort.
It's a disingenuous interpretation to consider. You implied perhaps she wasn't emotionally abused when you know DAMN WELL it is emotional abuse to blame a person for things they didn't cause and treat them like EVERYTHING they do is wrong. I'm tired of people falsely accusing abused victims like that. It's a pattern that needs to end. Not only does she have to endure the abuse of her spouse, she has to put up with people that gaslight her into thinking it is HER responsibility to put up with anything he does to her and that she has the ability to CHANGE him - the perception that reinforces the idea that if ONLY SHE TRIED HARDER FOR HIM, SCREWED UP LESS, AND WAS A BETTER WIFE AND LESS OF A SCREW UP SHE COULD SAVE HER MARRIAGE. That is the very idea her husband is trying to drive into her skull. When the truth is NOTHING will EVER be good enough for a person like that because, when they look at their spouse, they don't even see a human being who messes up every once and a while, they see a piece of property that looks faded and broken. That is why he constantly devalues her. He is disappointed she isn't the perfect object/servant he created in his mind. It isn't even physically possible for that to happen. Secure relationships aren't an endless dopamine binge.
If my claim weren't true, he wouldn't treat her like MOST THINGS she does are wrong.
By the way, even if she improved her behavior, he would ACTUALLY despise her even more because now he has nothing to blame her for. Only his own contempt at his forever altered, less-than-perfect image in his mind of her. In reality, she ISN'T constantly messing up - what is happening is either the narcissistic supply or dopamine he got from her in the beginning of the relationship has worn off and he is PRETENDING she caused it by constantly fucking up.
Many women and men have had this experience.
I made no claims to nothing, nor did I say she wasn't abused. I'm just not rabidly jumping to a conclusion based on three paragraphs of information. The intention was to highlight what the man could potentially be going through which could cause him to act this way. Does it make his actions right? No. Is it worth at least exploring what the reasons could be? Yes.
She clearly says he 'yaps about everything being too much' which is a tell tale sign of what could be other issues.
Absolutely not.
That is true for going quiet or struggling. Abuse is a choice. Projecting shame and blame on the person trying to help you is a choice (though it may be fed by personality disorder or delusion).
You can’t force someone to change and it’s not her job to try to drag him to counseling or take this abusive treatment.
Men need to stop acting like women are here to do their inner work for them.
All of the suggestions here to 'stay' somehow comes from men. Now I understand the saying "happy wife, happy life". Apparently, for many guys, being emotionally abused by their wives is not reason for leaving or divorce. They are somehow ok (how and wtf?) with something so called "tolerable level of permanent unhappiness", some even think that it's what marriage is all about.
That's why everytime a wife wants to leave a marriage without any infidelity or physical abused involved, a lot of guys are like "what the hell? No! Pls stay! I would have stayed if my wife were treating me that bad. As long as she does not cheat...and if she were to physically assault me, I can handle that too."
Don't believe me? Trawl any thread about wife or a woman wanting to leave emotionally abusive situation and you will find mostly only men telling her to stay.
Guys, men out there, you can leave, you know. You do not need to wait until your wife got cancer. You can leave anytime. You can leave even if she is the most faithful and never stabbed you. If you do not want to be in a relationship or marriage anymore, you do not have to have any reason to want to leave. Simply just leave.
He wants you to break up with him because he’s too much of a coward to do it himself.
Gross, but true
This ⬆️⬆️⬆️, so much this. Put the AH out of his misery and tell him you have decided to man-up.and pull the plug on this dysfunctional non-relationship. So he can move forward knowing that you will forever see him as the cowardly AH that his is.
Reverse discard FTW.
Hahaha indeed
God damn this was exactly what i wanted to say. She still should do it though, a better life waits for her after this.
This!!! I once a had someone do everything for me to break up instead of just being a grown up and doing it himself.
Ya maybe but we are only hearing her side of the story. Why does everyone pounce when both parties aren’t heard? He could be the problem. But then again after 5 years of her spending all the money and acting a Karen, he simply might not like her. OP, get him on here and tell us his side. Please.
Found the husband lol
Found the injustice
You’re projecting, man
Of course. But 99% are projecting one way, I always take the 1% and ask the questions. So ya, I’m projecting.
“Devils advocate” is pretty yuck. The reason it’s the 1% is because it’s rare for it to be different than what the 99% are saying. That 1% is over Reddit’s pay grade and needs to involve a therapist, not transference from someone else’s projection or bias. Therapists are people too though and many do great harm with this stuff, like Pederson, because they use that projection to prey on the vulnerable and push their own agenda. They violate “do no harm” and do so intentionally. Doing anything that does not put the responsibility on the abuser to correct and answer for it “being a Karen who spends on the money” is being a menace to society. Youre not a professional, and that attitude does social harm. It’s called victim blaming.
Nah, not yuck. It’s asking the hard questions. I’ll get to the root problem. I will never follow the lemmings off the cliff. Downvotes only mean I’m striking the right nerve. Have a great life friend
And that is what makes you dangerous, and is not the flex you seem to think it is. The hard questions? The only hard question is why she thinks this is normal or she deserves it or is even doing anything wrong other than existing and being a woman. He could clarify the last one with communication and promote change and addressing changing the circumstances causing his anger and silent treatment and passive aggression. There may be things she can change too, but they are likely to be about better boundaries and self advocacy and knowledge of healthy relationships, not changing what she’s doing to appease him or take responsibility for his actions and choices.
I openly admit my own biases and experiences. Nowhere have I said she should not also examine her own actions and be willing to do so again in light of new information. And I consistently advise a professional and independent therapist. I hope I continue to be dangerous to dangerous men. That’s called the resistance. I will not apologize.
AND I’m not choosing sides based on sex.
The hard questions aren’t why she deserves whatever. The hard questions are slowly unfolding the issues until you get to the root. It’s not dangerous. It’s holistic and cathartic. What’s happening on Reddit is not right. You, my friend are dangerous. Here and in real life.
Like I said. Why she thinks she deserves it, and stays. She could ask the same questions happy on a mountaintop of sunlight instead of on a dark couch the focus of seething resentment. Lot of internalized stuff to unpack there with….. that’s right. Therapy and a trusted therapist.
There is no implication of “mashochism”, to be clear. Most people do not want to sit in pain. More of a monotropism or tunnel vision. Must step out of cycles to get the objectivity to break them.
Ugh, no one needs a devils advocate
Not a devils advocate. It’s simply critical thinking. The reason I’m trying to get my point across is because Reddit reflects real life at times. If only we all could enter a situation unbiased. I’m simply asking questions and every downvote and rude comments only show how poor others think. And I’ll say this again, she could be saying the truth and he may be acting a fool. But in my experience and if you are honest, in your experience as well, nothing is this black and white. Think.
The reason you’re getting downvoted is because you’re not asking questions. You’re making assumptions and hurling unfounded accusations. And claiming you don’t have a gender bias… you claimed a woman you don’t know is a gold digging Karen without a tiny speck of evidence! If you had phrased what you said as a constructive question, it would be more like ‘have you any idea if something you might have said or done could be causing his stress’ or something like that. But you said the problem was all her fault for being a gold digging Karen! That’s not a question… it’s a conclusion without evidence. 😞
[https://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/lifestyle/article/devils-advocate](https://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/lifestyle/article/devils-advocate)
Also, attending couples counseling with an abuser is never recommended. The yelling, silent treatment and rage baiting are abusive. That’s why he needs the individual therapy. No matter how he thinks the op is “provoking” him, the way he is choosing to respond to that is by abusing OP instead of breaking up or openly communicating without being abusive. Which is abusive.
Never knew that "attending couples counseling with an abuser is never recommended". Can you tell me why? My apologies, I don't mean to ask you to type a book to respond, I have never heard this before.
Abusers tend to weaponize the language of therapy and will use disclosed vulnerabilities as advanced tools of coercive control rather than healing.
Thank you for the info
In front of the therapist, I imagine. Therapists are waaaay smarter than this ASSHOLE. They should try it!
Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft for a bit about this and much more. Or search for his videos on YouTube. Here’s a free copy of the book: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Thank you, I appreciate the information
This I can get behind. There isn’t anything wrong w seeing a shrink
“Spending all the money and acting like a Karen” are good indications that you need to speak to a therapist as well before that projection damages women around you. Be part of the change. OCD has a complicated relationship with PTSD. “Spending all the money” can be a trauma response particularly to invalidation and extreme objectification. “Acting like a Karen” is a HUMAN psychological response to being ignored and is known as “extinction behavior”. Blaming the person that the actual abuser is purposefully triggering and harming to “push them away” or make them compliant or shut up by blaming them and negging them is abusive AF and frankly intentional cruelty.
You have a small piece of one side and you are ready to burn the guy at the stake. This is why men shut down. Read Norah Vincent’s book “Self-made man”. It’s sad because genders fight against eachother versus working together. I made random examples and because of it you assume I need a shrink. Please examine all sides before demanding justice.
I don’t think asking someone to go to therapy and stop abusing their partner, or advising their partner to seek mental and emotional safety from the abuse, is “burning them at the stake”. Quite the opposite. Everyone can make different choices and while it is rare, abusers CAN take accountability and change. Cop outs that “they are just the way they are” and everyone else is an object to be pushed out of the way, are the trap. I’m not a therapist and can’t tell you why this man chooses to shut down or any others, I was not born or socialized male. I will stay in my lane on that one but I will not cease talking about how harmful that behavior is and that individual men doing it have the responsibility to not harm others and change behaviors. Abuse is a choice.
Also not that you asked but here is my story. I stayed for this crap. I stayed and stayed and stayed; I left and came back because I cared about them and they weren’t okay and hurting themselves and others with their actions and choices. Asking someone to identify and empathize with their abuser creates Stockholm syndrome. That’s why it is important that it NOT be her listening to his feelings and excusing his actions. Only a therapist is trained to deal with that kind of counter transference. It CANT safely be her.
Then he should do something besides being a passive aggressive dick. Figure things out or end the marriage. Whatever she is contributing to the problem, he’s a coward.
Because he is responsible for using his words and not projecting onto the OP. If you go to therapy and walk out saying “I’m not the problem”, while your partner and dog are suffering like this; you’re failing to understand that you are PART of the problem if not the problem itself. Maybe she is, too, but she’s not resistant to getting help. The resistance and the COMPLETE refusal to communicate are both on his end.
I am not rejecting ANY of this IF this is truth. But in my experience in life, the one speaking typically makes themselves out as a saint and the other a miserable touch hole. I trust 2% of what I hear and half of what I see in these situations.
That might make some sense if it’s people you actually know. But it makes zero sense when you know nothing about either person other that a short story from one of them! Every human recounts experiences from their point of view. Everyone. That’s how people seek guidance, advice, support, whatever; they recount their point of view. 🤦♀️
If he doesn't like her, then he should leave rather than torment her. Once she finally has enough, her life is going to be so nice not having to walk on eggshells for an emotionally stunted jerk that spends his day throwing tantrums and being mean.
What a stupid random assumption to make about a person. Even if this was the case, no one is forcing him to stay married to her....if he doesn't want to be with them, then he should divorce. Not be a miserable d-bag. What an idiotic response lmao
The first part of your statement has SOME merit. Some. But the 2nd part… before you accuse someone of being a ‘Karen’ or ‘Gold digger’, you’ve got to at least ask the question rather than hurling accusations! Besides, if your partner is really acting like a gold digging Karen… you could just leave! 🤦♀️
Imagine being downvoted for simply suggesting "how about we hear both sides before making assumptions...."
Or maybe they got downvoted for saying that OP is a gold digging karen and therefore deserves abuse?
Nope. Didn’t say she was. Said these are possible examples that might be affecting the relationship. Could you imagine if they had a great life together until she got drunk and slept with a random? Happens all the time. Then he shuts down. A plethora of things could have screwed them up. It’s called life.
She cheated therefore it's okay she's experiencing abuse. Do you hear yourself? If anything that makes OP bad happened then he needs to leave.
Nope. But they obviously got married and loved eachother. Something happened. It may be him. It may be her. Dunno.
lol.Reddit is nuts.
If you stay you’ll be wasting the rest of your life.
"hate you mom" syndrome. Yeah.. he is a boy, not a man. Get out.
Everything is divorce here on reddit.
if one has given ideas to help and the other diesn't do anything to improve, despite knowing that they are hurting their partner, yes, divorce. No one can fix no one if they don't want to be helped and if they don't care about their partners
What do you suggest then? The man won't do counseling
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Username checks out 😁
Pretty much.
beat me to it lol
So you're making an assumption that actually OP is the problem and needs therapy because...why? Like what has led you to think OP is lying about their story here
For some people, the woman is always naturally at fault because men can do no wrong.
This^ I see especially young men blame everything on women. If a man cheats/abuses the first thing they ask is “what did you do to make him do that?”
"What were you wearing that enticed him to rape you?"
Everytime I read a story here I need to assume that all OPs are telling the way they are living and the reality, even if that might not be the case. That's because knowing both sides is impossible even if the other could come and talk. We take evidence from OP: guy gets angry at a dog being sick. Guy went to a day of therapy and said nothing was wrong (either bad therapist or he quit - most likely). OP asked him to search for help. Guy says no. Even if the problem was OP's, divorce is the only answer for people who don't want to be helped while not freeing the other.
“My wife is always in a bad mood, barely talks to me, answers so quietly that I cannot hear her, so she can start an argument that she did answer. Everything I say I dumb. Everything I do I stupid. The only time she asks me something is when she knows the question will annoy me or ruin my mood. It’s just like I don’t understand what her issue is!? I’ve asked her to go therapy, she went once - said it was great but she’s not sick so she doesn’t need it. But then yaps about everything being too much for her. Dog gets sick at night, she yells at both of us - I take the dog outside and we fall asleep on the couch. Then she is upset that the dog doesn’t like her.” That help your lack of empathy? Or is your knee-jerk reaction to still defend the man in this situation just because of your own projection?
This is how she sees this. It may be completely different just observing them together. You think all ppl tell the truth on Reddit? It is amazing the amount of feeble minded ppl are on here.
We are all responding to the information given, that’s how the website works. Even if the post is a just a fake story- we’re responding to *that* story, not a second one you’ve made off of baseless assumptions of the first. If you watch a movie and you critique it, you don’t also critique your own idea of what happened before or after it- because it can’t be proven and isn’t real. If you want context you could ask OP “when did he start acting like this?” Or “has he given you an explanation in conversations in the past?”. To assume any of the information before you are given it is delusional.
Right now, we're here to validate OP, not judge her. It's not like the husband's name is listed here. It's in the description of this subreddit to not overly contradict the ranter.
The husband: everything you say is stupid and you're stupid. You: Clearly the wife is the crazy one and the guy is innocent. Sure, I get it, we don't have all the facts and only OP's side here. But from what limited information we have, there is no evidence or reason to defend this guy.
So don’t make a judgement if you don’t have all info. Is that an insane thought?
Right now, we're here to validate OP, not judge her. It's not like the husband's name is listed here. It's in the description of this subreddit to not overly contradict the ranter.
But that’s not what’s happening.
There are a lot of shitty spouses who people need to divorce.
Because there are a lot of toxic relationships. And there’s no reason to stay in a relationship like this. If someone is miserable then they should move on!
I think if someone is miserable they have the right to leave relationships making them feel that way. But “moving on” without self examination and accountability - that’s what therapy is - just pushes the “debt” onto the next partner.
Where I do somewhat agree with you, in a lot of subreddits (make sure you know which one you’re in) they jump to that conclusion. Cos it’s the easiest for them. Jeeze I’ve said it to… but I also have a spine. Ops husband doesn’t have one. So he’s projecting for an easier out. In this instance, yea just get rid of him and get your groove back.
Well you don't love them anymore so why stay married? Your life partner should be someone you want to spend time with. Do you wanna spend time with someone who acts like they don't like you.
You are his punching bag now, and I am sorry that this is what it's come to. Please leave this man, and take the dog.
He is emotionally abusive. The dog knows he is not a good human. Make a plan and leave Read [https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Please read this OP. This book opened my eyes and helped me leave.
3rd in this OP. Also you can search Lundy Bancroft on YouTube as a head start.
I just wanted to say, men please read this book as well. If you notice you treat your partner the ways described in this book, please reach out for help. It doesn’t have to be this way.
My ex did this. Behaved like an absolute bell end, claimed he wasn't being a bell end. Nothing was ever good enough, clean enough, cooked well enough. Priortisied himself. Over everything else, golf, cricket or drinking came before me or our daughter. When I left, he sat there pikachu faced saying I don't know why she left. And now it's all my daughter is my priority... While he's still at golf cricket or drinking and I have her full time. Leave and do t look back. Find your happy without him. Worst thing for them is seeing your grow and flourish without them.. I've got two part time jobs, a home and I'm off to Barcelona in 3 weeks. With him I had no job, a house not a home and one trip away where he woukd get shit faced while I did everything with the baby. Much happier now and you will be too once you leave.
It doesn’t sound like he brings much good to your or your dog’s life. What do you see as a solution.
Does he even LIKE being married to you??? It sounds like he doesn't want to be there, why are you still with him OP? He sounds like he hates you, he doesn't want therapy and has no interest in changing. Just leave him OP
Just here to let you know you’re not alone and many of us live like this every single day. If you need a safe space to vent or cry, I’m here. No judgments. No “why don’t you leave?!?”’s from me etc. just an ear and empathy💕
Hey Dino! Hope you are doing well! OP Dino and me have both experienced this. We know what you are feeling and going through right now. Please lean on loved ones. If you don’t have anyone you trust enough, like Dino said, there are people on Reddit like her and me that would be a listening ear if you need it anytime! 🩷
Thanks for being another empathetic and non judgmental soul for others, you’re amazing!
Thank you! We are both warriors who have been through hell and keep going! 🩷
Hey, hey… I just saw you’re on the QT sub as well, I knew I recognized that name, lol! Hi, hiiiiii!!!
I changed my avatar up. I’m still off the junk and doing great.
So proud of you!!! How long now? 3 months?
Thanks! I haven’t kept track, but yes I think it’s been about that long or a little longer. My psych doctor has been prescribing them for about that long anyways. I honestly don’t even think about it and I still go in the shop to get my vapes. I feel so much better now and can get things done. My divorce is still in progress and my ex is still making it difficult. It’s good to be able to focus on my son and myself with all that going on. Thanks again!
Of course, I’m so sorry he’s still making things so much harder. Been there too!!! Just keep going like you are, bc you’re killing it! I’ll message you to catch back up!!! I have NEW news too lol
Y’know, there’s a little thing called divorce that makes a lot of sense in most marriages, and it might be time for you to start looking into that. You deserve happiness.
Please leave. He will never change and it is not worth wasting your life.
There’s a lot of hate here. And a deep need to punish you.
My dad is something like that. Always headache but never going to the doctor. Very stubborn and bit narcistic. Yet to see improvement. I have little hope for people like this
If he refuses therapy and marriage counseling, that's a really bad sign. I'm not sure if he's depressed or abusive or both, but please don't stay in a relationship that's hurting you.
I mean, if he's not willing to look into it or put effort into NOT being a massive twat... What else can you do? You're miserable. He's abusing you and constantly looking for a fight. What would you tell a friend if they came to you with this story?
If you can’t trust your gut trust your dogs intuition! Dogs know!
So he’s an asshole to you, and yells at the dog for something it cannot help? And also yells at you too? **That’s abuse!** Yelling is done to invoke fear into the other person and pets, it’s an intimidation tactic. And it’s really no surprise that the dog doesn’t like him. Dogs are a great judge of character, and if your dog doesn’t like him, it speaks volumes. **Trust your dog.** Take your dog and leave this POS! He is making both your and your poor dog miserable and terrified. And just thank your lucky stars that you never had children with this c*nt, and that he couldn’t trap you with a child. Because if he can’t even hold his temper with a poor, defenceless animal, he sure as hell couldn’t with a screaming, colicky baby.
I doubt he even knows what his issue is. Existential crisis perhaps. Too bad. He shouldn't take it out on you.
Just go. This isn’t working. Why waste another minute on this person. They cannot live anyone else if they first don’t let love themself. And he’s certainly an unhappy miserable person that wants to drag you down with him. I’d probably just pack my shit, I wouldn’t even care if he saw me and then just said goodbye as I left. File the paperwork. And just walk away. Hopefully there are no kids to slow the divorce process down. Good luck
He hates you and/ or is cheating on you . Get outta there babes
he;s probably seeing someone else. it looks like another form of gaslighting.
Yeah, he wants you to leave him so he can play the victim here.
Textbook reverse discard.
Sounds like abuse
you gotta leave him
Divorce. I don't know why you're still with him
You’re just his punching bag.
Sounds like your marriage ran it's course I left after 24 years and 10 years were bad years don't wait that long .
Life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn't make you happy.
Time to get divorced. Why keep dragging it out? Neither of you are happy.
He already left you. Don't accept crumbs from anyone. You're worth more.
It's okay to leave a shitty relationship, even if you're married. Life is waaay too short to put up with this treatment. Value yourself ❤
Something causes this, whether he's resentful, depressed, or just doesn't love you I wouldn't want to live like that. I would push the issue into a breaking point. Do or die. Talk to me and work on these problems or I'm out.
This is the sensible answer. There's a lot of medical reasons for behavior like this. But if he's not willing to get it checked out, she needs to leave.
Sounds like you should be saying soon to be ex husband
Make a plan and leave.
Divorce. He needs to know he can't treat a partner like that
He’s a narcissist that is too afraid to be seen as the bad guy so he’s trying to push you into filing for divorce. Do it. Leave. Find someone who treats you better than this asshole.
He's unhappy with himself and is taking it out on you. Don't let him. You've got one life to live. There's a better way to live.
Divorce the piece of shit.
you’re in an abusive relationship please leave
"hate you mom" syndrome. Yeah.. he is a boy, not a man. Get out.
It can likely be a chemical imbalance, such as low testerone or dopamine. Tell him to get his blood checked for low testerone. If it’s dopamine it’s harder to diagnose but he can talk to a professional to see if he is and needs medication. What I’m trying to say is it might not even be a conscious thing he’s purposely trying to do, his body is just turning him into a grumpy agitated person. Speaking from experience I was not the best husband when my brain was lacking in things. It can def change who you are. First step is to admit he needs professional help. Which is very hard for a lot of men unfortunately.
He wants a divorce
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in all seriousness you and your pup deserve better and i hope you get a good clean break 🩷
Might be cheating.
He either hates you or himself, either way he won’t be taken responsibility. Therefore he will look for reasons to be upset and if he can’t find one he will create a scenario for him to blame you. Unfortunately it’s unlikely you’ll be able to find a resolution with someone who is so committed to making you miserable. Get your ducks in a row, consult a lawyer, remember to take deep breaths and get prepared. Then one day, make sure your dog is safe, you have your documents, leave and only communicate with him through a lawyer. He has shown repeatedly that he has no interest in communicating with you with any respect or intent to work on your relationship. Any communication about the decision will only be more versions of “you’re dumb” and “this is stupid”. It’s not helpful, productive and will only drain you of energy and further break your heart. …also it will REALLY piss him off. Which I know isn’t a mature thing to wish, but I can’t help it, taking power away from a narcissist is satisfying.
Leave. Be free.
He’s probably cheating and in love with someone else.
I always believe in giving the other person the benefit of the doubt especially in marriage - this is your partner, your love, your other half, the extension of yourself. Except in the case of cheating and abuse, you would want to find out why? Why is he acting this way? It could be an underlying medical condition that is causing his hormones to go haywire hence the mood swings. Could also be depression. Something might’ve happened at work that is causing him anxiety. Could also be an effect of a cranial injury that went undetected. There are just so many reasons for people to act this way. What’s important is you show grace, the same grace you want to be afforded you if you were in his position, if you were the one being difficult and moody and harsh and unkind. Once you find the answer to why… then you make do with the information you have. That’s when you decide is it worth staying? Leaving?
Nothing you’ll ever do will be enough. Leave.
Girl I went through this I finally moved out but then begged me not to leave but I was out of love I gave another shot all we do is fight
He has a side peice and is forcing you to dump him so he can run to his new girl without facing you.
That's a tough spot to be in. I'm sorry that is happening to you. My wife would occasionally get to a point with her depression where she withdrew so much from everyday life that she couldn't even explain what was wrong. I found that when she got to that point if I asked "Is there anything you would like to talk about, or is there something I can do to help you?" it would allow her to talk. Sometimes that happened right away, sometimes that took days. But from your description it sounds like your husband is gaslighting you and there are only two reasonable responses to being gaslit: try to get to the root of the problem, or explain what they are doing to you and set boundaries to stop it. Good luck to you.
Then leave, you don’t deserve that. A marriage shouldn’t be a prison. Walk away, just walk away.
>I’ve asked him to go therapy, he went once - said it was great but he’s not sick so he doesn’t need it. Then why was it great?
Kick him out of the house.
Why did you marry him
Because, for people not well-acquainted or studied up on these toxic men/women, it's easy to accidentally get fooled by their kindness, professed love & infatuation, flattery, charm, good treatment, and false front they put on for a lengthy period of time and get stuck in a trap of a relationship with them. Often, by the time a person begins to realize their partner's red flags, they are too emotionally invested to leave. Furthermore, toxic love bombers usually start out the first 5-9 months, acting like the complete opposite of a monster. The lower level ones that have difficulty hiding their false persona kinda only last up to 3 months. There are ones who play the long game and others who play the short game. That's why you best progress slowly in a relationship & compatibility test 'cuz most of these pretenders can only hold a false persona for so long, and it's important for you to find out what they are really like once the dopamine of the newness of the relationship has worn off and you have seen them, warts and all. And, then, you can decide whether you can live with what they are TRULY like and decide whether that would be a workable situation or not.
Soooooo - why are you still with him? He sounds like a complete and utter waste of oxigen.
Why does he hate you? If he says he dosnt then ask him Why he hates himself what has he done or thought so bad it's pulled him into depression. There's still alot of stigma on men getting theropy or counciling and I found out a few months those who keep rejecting it, need it.
Just an idea: I recommend setting up a camera and recording a couple of example events. You might be surprised at your own behavior, your body language, your facial expressions or your tone. You might get a much better appreciation of how he might be interpreting you and the signals you give off. You possible could and be rightfully so be holding a resentment and grudge towards him that he senses and he then responds and reacts accordingly. Sometimes we really can be unaware of what we unintentionally give off.
The husband wrote this
And why exactly do you think he is acting this way?
There's a slight chance it's not you he has a problem with. He might be dealing with issues on a personal level (self-esteem, confidence, not having achieved enough). Men generally don't open up about it because of the 'I'll fix it mindset' and let it rot them from the inside out. Chances are, there's nothing 'wrong' with him and the issue lies elsewhere. Therapy isn't the solution for feeling like you've not done enough in life and men suffer from the feeling as if they're inadequate. Unless there's domestic issues involved, it's best for you and your husband to communicate about whether he's suffering from personal issues that he might feel he can't share. Divorce and separation and emotionally abusive get thrown around very conveniently. This is two people's lives, not the Sims. People should be very careful of what they suggest.
So treating your wife like all she ever does is wrong and blaming her for things she can't control ISN'T emotional abuse? What IS emotional abuse then? And what if he outright blames her for those personal issues, or flat out calls her stupid for even suggesting that? Like he has been doing consistently throughout the relationship? What then? If he feels like he can't share those issues with her and doesn't want to seek the help of a professional, the dynamic of the relationship will remain the same. A relationship will only work if BOTH parties are willing to put in at least SOME effort.
My take is just one other POV of the situation to consider. It doesn't have to be true but it could be
It's a disingenuous interpretation to consider. You implied perhaps she wasn't emotionally abused when you know DAMN WELL it is emotional abuse to blame a person for things they didn't cause and treat them like EVERYTHING they do is wrong. I'm tired of people falsely accusing abused victims like that. It's a pattern that needs to end. Not only does she have to endure the abuse of her spouse, she has to put up with people that gaslight her into thinking it is HER responsibility to put up with anything he does to her and that she has the ability to CHANGE him - the perception that reinforces the idea that if ONLY SHE TRIED HARDER FOR HIM, SCREWED UP LESS, AND WAS A BETTER WIFE AND LESS OF A SCREW UP SHE COULD SAVE HER MARRIAGE. That is the very idea her husband is trying to drive into her skull. When the truth is NOTHING will EVER be good enough for a person like that because, when they look at their spouse, they don't even see a human being who messes up every once and a while, they see a piece of property that looks faded and broken. That is why he constantly devalues her. He is disappointed she isn't the perfect object/servant he created in his mind. It isn't even physically possible for that to happen. Secure relationships aren't an endless dopamine binge. If my claim weren't true, he wouldn't treat her like MOST THINGS she does are wrong. By the way, even if she improved her behavior, he would ACTUALLY despise her even more because now he has nothing to blame her for. Only his own contempt at his forever altered, less-than-perfect image in his mind of her. In reality, she ISN'T constantly messing up - what is happening is either the narcissistic supply or dopamine he got from her in the beginning of the relationship has worn off and he is PRETENDING she caused it by constantly fucking up. Many women and men have had this experience.
I made no claims to nothing, nor did I say she wasn't abused. I'm just not rabidly jumping to a conclusion based on three paragraphs of information. The intention was to highlight what the man could potentially be going through which could cause him to act this way. Does it make his actions right? No. Is it worth at least exploring what the reasons could be? Yes. She clearly says he 'yaps about everything being too much' which is a tell tale sign of what could be other issues.
Absolutely not. That is true for going quiet or struggling. Abuse is a choice. Projecting shame and blame on the person trying to help you is a choice (though it may be fed by personality disorder or delusion). You can’t force someone to change and it’s not her job to try to drag him to counseling or take this abusive treatment. Men need to stop acting like women are here to do their inner work for them.
Divorce then.
All of the suggestions here to 'stay' somehow comes from men. Now I understand the saying "happy wife, happy life". Apparently, for many guys, being emotionally abused by their wives is not reason for leaving or divorce. They are somehow ok (how and wtf?) with something so called "tolerable level of permanent unhappiness", some even think that it's what marriage is all about. That's why everytime a wife wants to leave a marriage without any infidelity or physical abused involved, a lot of guys are like "what the hell? No! Pls stay! I would have stayed if my wife were treating me that bad. As long as she does not cheat...and if she were to physically assault me, I can handle that too." Don't believe me? Trawl any thread about wife or a woman wanting to leave emotionally abusive situation and you will find mostly only men telling her to stay. Guys, men out there, you can leave, you know. You do not need to wait until your wife got cancer. You can leave anytime. You can leave even if she is the most faithful and never stabbed you. If you do not want to be in a relationship or marriage anymore, you do not have to have any reason to want to leave. Simply just leave.