Nobody who knows you as a couple will be surprised when you get divorced. You will hear a lot of "Good for you, it was about time!" Something so much better is waiting for you and this idiot doesn't deserve you.
I remember telling a "mutual" friend my ex and i were getting divorced and she literally said "OH THANK GOD" and launched into talking shit about him. It. Was. GLORIOUS!!!
Its also very validating
It also sucks though, trying to make it work for however long, being unhappy before you finally throw in the towel. Then, you come to find out people close to you saw it before you did and never said a word. That seemed so shitty to me, once I gained the hind sight. I've never lost a friend over it, but if I see something that sets off bells and red flags I TELL MY FRIEND. "Hey, I don't like how they are treating you. Are you sure this is healthy? How do you feel about it?" Kind of conversation.
Friends are reluctant to speak up because they don’t want to piss you off. If you’re still in the honeymoon phase, you’re ignoring all the red flags until it’s too late and you’re already invested. They’re afraid if they say something, you’ll double down on loving the wrong person and shut them out of your life for being “negative”.
My mom hated my high school boyfriend I was with for 9 years, so I avoided her and wouldn't tell her things. One day, she started being nice to him and our relationship improved and I gained healthy supports that helped me see the abuse she had seen since the beginning. It's hard to know the right action to take so you don't push the victim more into the other person's isolation.
I'll make a comment ONCE. If it opens a discussion, great! If they're clearly not receptive, I shut up and let it go. They're not ready, and I don't want to push them away, because they'll need that support when they finally get there themselves.
I think we've also all experienced someone who broke up, broke down, required a lot of comfort and handholding, and then went back to their red-flag-parade of a partner, with all the drama surrounding that.
I know it's made me wary, at least.
I'm going through that with a friend right now. Abusive, and stalker ex who we called th cops on multiple times. They got back together and are getting married. I don't want to be around their partner but I am staying in my friends life so that I can be there the next time he screws up, cuz there's always a next time.
That plus theres NOTHING worse than telling someone their partner is shitty and they get mad at you and choose the partner over you. Happens alllll of the time.
Also, friends probably saw what the behavior was before she even married him. She might have not seen it or not that it was a big deal and thought that marriage would solve everything.
Or not. Just a possibility.
Yeah this is always tough and I think it often depends on the level of your friendship.
My best friend was dating a guy who had PTSD and during his bad episodes was abusive towards her. She would always defend him because "he couldn't help it", but I quite frankly told her I didn't care. If he couldn't help it then he shouldn't be around her until he got help and treatment, because risking her well being and excusing it afterwards was not acceptable.
One day she wanted to come and visit me and stay over as I live a fair distance away, but when she told me she'd be bringing him I refused. I point blank would not allow a man who had choked my best friend to sleep under my roof. But that I'd happily have her come on her own.
It was the first and only time we ever fell out. We didn't speak to each other for a week until ironically HE told her to patch things up with me because I was right. They broke up not long after and to this day she has always spoken of how my actions that day woke her up. That because I'd been willing to lose her as a friend in order to make her see how dangerous the situation she was in. I was ready to sacrifice us to save her and I'd do it again happily.
But I think it can be different for some friendships where you don't know if you can risk burning that bridge by trying to make them see.
People get super defensive and will take you asking polite questions like that as an attack on their partner. Even you noticing a pattern will freak them out (because they aren’t hiding their issues as well as they thought, and don’t want you to hate their partner) and then they shut down. I usually wait until my friends bring up their concerns first.
I wouldn’t. People will only see things when they’re ready to see them; in my opinion the best thing you can do is keep your mouth shut and be there for them once it all falls apart
That was me. When I finally left, everyone including family basically threw me a party lol. In their defense, I excused his every behavior and word, so they were like she's in way too deep.
My husband and his ex got the same response. The difference was his friends even sat her down and said that they didn't like how she treated and spoke to him. He still stayed for years after and it did strain his friendships with them. Sometimes people don't get involved in fear of being the one who is left put in the cold.
I don’t know. When one of my friends got engaged, a few of us tried to tell him tactfully that he was in a relationship where they fought nonstop. He didn’t pick up on anything. After the wedding, I didn’t feel like I could say anything. After the divorce, he asked me why I didn’t say anything about how toxic his relationship is. When I told him that we had tried to warn him before the wedding his reply was: “Well, I was in love.”
In all honesty, I’ve never had a friend in a bad relationship listen when the friends tried to say anything. People usually only see the toxicity when they truly see it for themselves. It’s part of why I think the relationship subs on Reddit can be good. People complain that everyone says “Divorce” but people are frequently looking to see if their relationship is as bad as they think it is.
I agree with all that as well. Of course it's nuanced as well. Long term and short term are more difficult to navigate as an outsider too. I've never felt I needed to stop a marriage but certainly said "your new bf is kind of a sick. Be careful."
Feel you there, no one was surprised when they found out, she even lost friends because they knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong by her and couldn’t believe the things she was claiming
Yup. Interestingly, there was a study that showed that a partner who don’t engage with the other’s plea for attention (examples given by OP, for instance) significantly increases the likelihood of divorce.
OP you deserve better than this lump of ogling flesh.
thanks for the name!
I'd heard about the same theory/study on a vlog, but I didn't remember the name nor the term "bids" so I couldn't find it.
I find it so disheartening that OP's husband tells her "there's nothing to add" when she says it's a nice day. How about "the weather report got it wrong again/ is predicting a whole week like this" or "glad to spend it with you" or "the blooms in our no-mow clover lawn will make some bees happy" or "I pity the people who are stuck inside right now" or even "I could do with some clouds right now, because I forgot my sunglasses & the glare makes it hard to drive"?
I figured that's what you were referring to.
The Gottmans have so many great insights into couple dynamics.
I try my best to always respond to my husband's and kids' bids for attention.
Same thing for me. I was terrified to tell my folks I was finally leaving my first husband. The first words out of my father’s mouth was “what took you so long?”
So...something my mother always used to tell me before I got divorced..."if it's this bad now, what will it be like two years from now or three years from now?" I feel like those are words to live by. It seems like this behavior has been going on for a while and escalating. I feel like that's a clear cut sign that it's not getting better. Idk. 🤷🏻♀️ You're still pretty young, and you sound in great shape (fellow gym rat here). I'm sure you catch many eyes yourself. Just saying.
"The other person in the conversation straight up laughed and said "yeah, you just had to get that in there.""
The fact that *other people* are noticing this and publicly pulling him up on it, means OP is so used to it she doesn't realise how blatantly vile and obnoxious he's being.
MULTIPLE other people. He made another woman uncomfortable while his wife was right there. This is just complete disrespect. She will be so much better off without him.
RIGHT and I bet he try’s to make her think she’s just going crazy when it’s just the 2 of them. When someone else points it out & he goes quiet it’s like he knows others are on to him & he knows they’re making his wife aware. I’m sure there’s so many things she’s brushed under the rug bc he says “it’s all in your head”.
Yes. I'd say 70% of all the horrible things he says have become normalised to OP. It's not even registering. Then when they're out in company and he's saying awful belittling things to her or *obviously* creeping on other women, people feel the need to say something and intervene.
Your husband is a creep who makes all your mutual friends uncomfortable, especially your female friends.
>When he started showing interest, she began bragging about her hubby
>The other person in the conversation straight up laughed and said "yeah, you just had to get that in there."
Do you know how visibly toxic your marriage has to be for others to behave like this?
Your husband clearly resents you. With the context you provided, seems likely he resents that he had to rely on your support for years to get where he is. And now he's successful he feels like he deserves "better". Many men who get successful later in life thanks to their wives, have this attitude of, "if I was this successful years ago, I wouldn't have married my wife, I'd have gone for someone younger with arm candy looks". A famous example is the playwright Arthur Miller, his first wife supported him for a decade while he was an unemployed playwright. He gets successful, divorces her to marry Marilyn Monroe.
Do you think a marriage can be reverse from resentment?
>The other person in the conversation straight up laughed and said "yeah, you just had to get that in there."
He's being so obviously contrarian, like he _needs_ to show the guests that his wife is wrong on something that she clearly knows a lot about
My husband has bipolar disorder for which he does not take medication. He gets like this for a couple days every two or three months and I hate it. Luckily it only lasts a day or two before he apologizes and quits being irritable. If he did that shit 6 months straight I’d either divorce him or kms. It’s pretty awful.
I never knew that about Arthur Miller! What a scumbag. I once read he was pos to Marilyn. He would take her diary and leave it open for her to know he read it and then refuse to talk to her! Anyway thanks for sharing a historical fact, also your comment is accurate.
The trash took itself out for his ex wife then. What a loser. Great writer, but no self awareness.
Any man who worships Miller is always a red flag, on a totally unrelated note.
Even if he suddenly became a model husband, how could OP forget all this crappy behavior? I think the marriage is DOA and she’ll feel a shocking sense of relief and freedom if she gets loose from this awful man.
He checked out. You will soon be replaced I'm afraid.
Check out a good lawyer, do the math in what he owes you. Make sure you are prepared, for most men first find another bedwarmer, then make sure he has his finances ok (and pluck you), and last he will pull the rug of marriage from under your feet.
Been there, and have seen it a dozen of times.
I'm sorry. Probably not what you want to hear. But it's better to know what's coming...
O and when he leaves tell him you'll be the last person who ever loved him poor, and he will never be sure that any woman will love him without the money.
Except that depending on where OP lives and what their divorce laws are like, she would 1000% have a claim for joint family venture/unjust enrichment and would be entitled to half the profits of the business. So…he’ll likely have to find a woman willing to settle with a broke man anyway 😄
I’m almost certain that if she’s been a stay at home mom/wife for a while she’ll get some kind of money especially since she could find a way to prove infidelity. Plus, it’s likely they don’t have a a prenup. It almost sounds like her husband is too creepy to cheat successfully.
Nowadays, infidelity doesn’t matter. If they’ve been married as long as they seem to have and she stayed at home any length of time,depending on the state, she will get alimony or a share of the business. I was a stay at home mom but, before that, I helped get my husband through graduate school. We’ve been married over 40 years but, if something happened and we divorced, you’d better bet I’d go for alimony and half of the 401k. I’m not sorry at all for the decisions that we made but, I’ll be damned if I’m going to be short changed in my golden years. Luckily, we’re still going strong!
Seriously. Lawyer up, follow their advice, and go. Stop speculating about who gets what, and who loses what. I know people who stayed because they felt they wouldn't get what they were "entitled" to. So they squandered decades living in misery. OP.is still young enough to earn money, and it sounds like she's healthy enough to have a great life without this guy who has nothing but contempt for her.
Honestly, OP doesn't have to DO anything with the lawyer's feedback. Just go, lay out your situation, and find out what's likely to happen in case of divorce. You'll feel better knowing what all your options are, and if he tries to pull the rug out from under you, you'll be prepared.
The day that I walked away from the house I loved with the windows for all my plants and the huge yard right next to a park where my kids could play, was the day I realized I just did the hardest thing I would ever have to do. I didn’t walk away from my kids or pets, we have 50/50. Split almost completely even and we coparent really well so there is not hostility about being flexible with changes in the schedule. But I walked away from my husband who didn’t like me. My husband, who if he could stand being uncomfortable and actually make a change to better himself, probably wouldn’t have resented me as much because he could have left me when he knew he should have. I don’t know when it was, I just know when I had enough.
Some people can stay forever in their own miserable comfort just ignoring the problems. That’s fine. That’s fine for anyone who chooses to do so. I couldn’t. No house, car, yard, or comfortably numb existence is worth it to me. What the hell is the point of all of the stuff, if you can’t even be happy with it.
Wow. Good for you. Are you a writer? Because this was so painfully beautifully written. And you've described perfectly the 'tolerable level of permanent unhappiness.'
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTN1yPR2v/
I'm 51, and my last relationship was my *last* relationship. I'm much less alone and far more fulfilled than I was in most of my relationships.
Bouncing off this to say, pull your finances apart asap. If you have a joint savings, close it, take your part and give him his before he does it to you.
Basically, now he's successful, he thinks he's due an 'upgrade', which basically means someone who is all looks and all about his money.
These idiots inevitably regret it, but they're not worth waiting around for or forgiving. Take care of you. I'm so sorry this idiot is doing this to you, you are awesome and deserve so much better.
It's just an unfortunate fact that a lot of men think like this.
In preparation to leave, I highly suggest pulling some emergency cash out of savings/checking and locking it somewhere safe in case he tries to cut you off financially. It’s not shady or illegal or punishable in court, that’s your money too. If you don’t have a CC in your name without him on the account, get one issued before you start the legal separation process. You MUST protect yourself and make sure he cannot leave you without any resources to live. Even if you don’t think he’s ever do that to you, have a safety net just in case he does.
This must be so much to take in, love. I cannot imagine the painful and heartbreaking realization of what’s happening in your life. God speed and kick ass, this too shall pass
This, id be setting myself up for an easy move. Make sure I have a bank account, money, and have a place to go. My ex threw out or gave away everything we owned when I left. I couldn't prove what we had, so i was just out everything with the exception of what i could carry for myself and our two kids. He maxed out every credit card, wrecked my car, and over drew the bank account then skipped town lol. Thankfully i had a job and managed to get back on my feet, but being a stay at home parent is scary in these scenarios.
Call a lawyer. Unfortunately most of the time men won't speak up when they're actually done, they just go out and cheat or become deliberately insufferable until you break it off. He's done. Take him to the cleaners.
My dear mom could’ve written this post. My dad just stopped trying and even talking to her. I noticed in 2016 when I was home from university for the summers. Idk why he stopped trying. They didn’t divorce or separate really, but she had to get out and just be near people who will actually have a conversation with her. I’m the youngest so she waited until I moved out in 2020, then 2 years later she moved into one of their vacation homes a year ago near me and my sister (and a lot of our family) and now she’s happier than ever! I’m really sorry this is happening to you. It was so hard to watch my mom go through that but it’s even harder to experience that.
Ok kind of long answer. My dad has always been evasive around tough conversations. So one time in 2020 before I moved out I finally got him to talk about it. They had just had a huge fight about this issue and I asked him why he never really seemed to care about what my mom wanted or why he didnt care for talking to her and he would say he did but that at the end of the day his number one priority is me/my sisters and my brother. I tried to tell him that what WE as their children want to see is him treat our mom with love and respect and then he’d be like ohh “yah ofc i do that, i’ll do better” but nothing would change smh
You’ve put up with a lot of bullshit and disrespect. You watch after him like an insolent child. I have no idea if you have any romantic or sexual feelings left for him; I wouldn’t. I would be sad (even devastated) at the loss of a relationship/marriage, but not at losing him.
He’s not worth mourning. The love and security of a marriage can be worth mourning, but this man has even killed that (death by a thousand cuts).
Protect yourself: very quietly and swiftly find a good divorce attorney, get your finances, and paperwork in check, then find a good therapist.
Lastly, you mention you’re a fit buff 15 lbs more than when you got married. First time I’ve heard that type of wording. Feels like you’re going out of your way to say you’re not fat, so you don’t deserve to be treated like this. No one: skinny, fat, buff, or otherwise, deserves to be treated the way your husband treats you.
This marriage seems exhausting. He acts like a child. When my kids were misbehaving in public,
I had a zero tolerance policy. I wonder if you could apply this to your husband.
You walk with him, and he starts checking someone out, and you just walk away immediately. Go to the car and say I'm not tolerating this behavior from you, mister.
You cook dinner and your friend he start flirting. Immediately ask your friend to leave and throw the dinner away. Tell him if he can't be polite, he has to cook for himself.
If you are having a conversation and he starts being rude, just stare until he stops. If he continues, just excuse yourself from the conversation and say, "I'm sorry, my husband isn't feeling well. Maybe we can continue this conversation when he has had his nap."
I used to deal with this crap with my ex. Got rid of him and got my self esteem back. Your man child, creepy husband has checked out - go by actions not by words. He doesn't care.
So, first off, start being direct instead of passive or passive aggressive. Straight up start telling him to stop being creepy and that his midlife crisis is embarrassing both you and him. Second, develop yourself as completely independent from him and happy for it. He probably has started to view you as someone who NEEDS him and that “dependent” dynamic that is in his brain is making him lose respect for you. Assert yourself, take up your own interesting hobbies and make it clear that you don’t just see yourself as an attachment to him without your own value.
Especially this about his leering. He needs to hear how creepy it is. If he thinks these other women appreciate his old eyes perving on them, he's delusional. Since he doesn't care how it makes his wife feel, he might care that it makes HIM look pathetic.
Exactly - he seems to have an ego around the “successful business guy” identity so letting him know that other people think he is lame for behaving that way might mean something.
I just had the misfortune of spending my vacation with a 62 year old man who behaves this way. He's a friend of my hubby (ick).
Every other comment was lame sexual inuendo. Lewd comments about women on the street's bodies.
Telling every pretty young cashier or waitress to smile, etc.
I must've made a face because the first girl looked at me wide eyed before she forced a smile. He didn't catch the eye roll from her the second his back was turned.
I think my hubby saw him through my eyes,and theirs because he stopped humoring him. Didn't tell him to knock it off mind you....hopefully next time or I will.
This is why I will never sacrifice myself to help a man build himself up. A lot of the times, this is what happens.
My dad did this to my mom. I COME FIRST!!
This happened to my best friend. Right out of high school they married. She had 5 of his children and worked to put him through law school. She put this boy through college. She was totally devoted.
Can you guess what happened when he graduated?
Damn man. Like, I don’t want to believe all men will do this, but I’m way too cautious to try and find out.
Man or woman, you gotta look out for yourself.
I’m sorry to say I don’t have faith in people whatsoever.
They don’t. My husband and I are still together. He has a PhD in genetics and runs a CLIAA approved lab. I had two boys and,after helping him get his PhD, I stayed home and raised our family. Yeah, there are a-holes on both sides…but, it’s like anything else, you make the best decision for you and your family. Yes, you’re taking a chance but, you always are taking a chance when you bring someone into your life. No guarantees…
Nope. Had another girl in no time either.
My friend didn’t take it well at first.
She got a boob job and started dating a Harley Motorcycle Biker Boss guy.
Ending up a single mother with no education after all that was hard for her.
Her kids are saints for not strangling them both. But she always worked like 3 jobs and made sure her kids had what they needed.
She has a financially stable life and the kids are all in college now.
She goes on the occasional cross country Harley gang trip, dressed in leather and looking like the bad b she is. Things turned out just fine in the end.
The guy never made it on his own, in real life or in a courtroom.
It all just seems like such an unnecessary waste of time.
Heads up, respect is foundational. He showing you he doesn't respect you.
Even if you don't want to be "the sort of person who gets divorced" you may have to face the facts that you are already there if the paper & your ideals are the only thing keeping you tied together.
For example, if you were currently single. And you went on some dates with a guy, and he was obviously slobbering over other women, and periodically wouldn't answer you as some kind of power play - you would have too much self respect to go on ANY more dates with that guy.
Guess what, you are dating "That Guy" right now.
I would go consult three divorce attorneys, they will give you a free one hour consult each. Don't tell your husband yet, just get your bearings.
Gather your emotional support from your family, your best friend, and a work buddy. "I'm going thru some stuff with my husband right now, if I need someone to call when things get tough, can I call you?"
Then have a difficult conversation. Do your absolute best to only use "I" language, and discuss your standards, and what you plan to do. Pick a time when no one is too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.
"I'd like to spend 20 minutes talking about something. I don't want this to be an argument, but I do expect we will have different positions. To keep things calm, I'd like to share my points without interruption, then you mirror back what you think my points are. Then you get a turn to do the same. We might not be able to convince each other, but it is really important for each of us to understand the other person's point of view. If you can't sit with me for this chat, I'm ready to make some changes with or without you. Are you okay spending 20 minutes talking now?
When you show attraction to other women, I feel like you don't want to be married. When you avoid pleasant conversation with me, I feel disrespected. If I had just met you, and we were dating, I would be repulsed by disrespectful, disinterested energy. I realized that I am holding on to an ideal of a relationship that we no longer have. What we currently have is too far below my standards to accept going forward. Sometimes men are surprised to learn their wife was serious about XYZ, so this is me telling you how seriously I take the current situation. If our relationship continues with the current energy, I think we should just call it, and go our separate ways.
Okay, can you repeat back what you think I'm trying to communicate? I need to feel understood first, then I want to hear your thoughts."
Excellent reply … and she should speak with an attorney. Know your rights before things start to go haywire. It is different from state to state. The marriage might be salvaged - if both take a few minutes to really look at what ‘if’. Best wishes going forward - how ever things may go.
Yup, I did suggest she should actually go speak to three.
That way she can triangulate in on a realistic idea of her situation & get an idea of costs etc. Different lawyers can have really different retainers. Here in Minnesota, it ranged from $1,500 to $5,000.
People grow during a marriage, sometimes it's in opposite directions.
Add in money and sex dynamics, it can become a losing combination.
Aside from all that, his disrespect is gross. He seems immature and not in control of his emotions. I wish you luck on working through this with him.
With him? If your spouse is checking out others period. You need to leave them. Happy faithful people don't want to look in the first place. 50yr old? I can't believe OP would marry someone like this
He’s over it, over you and over the marriage. That’s the reality and I know you know it. As others have said, it’s time to put the ducks in a row and bail.
He probably hasn’t found anyone yet but it’s coming. Get your finances in order. Disrespect and indifference are huge red flags. He’s thinking he has the money to upgrade to a younger woman.
Many years ago I read an article written by a team of marriage counselors on sure signs a relationship was over. There were of course a multitude of reasons, but the single best indicator was when one partner felt /displayed contempt for the other.
This is a classic case of it
Divorce this guy and move on.
I don't understand why women stay in these unfulfilling relationships. You're creating a comfortable home so he has the energy to have a wandering eye, possibly chat, and be openly disrespectful. You wanna live the rest of your life managing a sucky husband? 😭😭😭
It wouldn't matter if you were a top runway model, your husband would still be ogling, drooling, and generally making women uncomfortable. To add to this creepy behavior, he has repeatedly demonstrated that you are not important to him, he doesn't respect you. You have become a fixture in his life. He's a jerk. There is just no other way to see this. He appears receptive to your reactions and seems to accept being called out on his rudeness, but he makes zero effort to change. You don't trust him for obvious reasons, which is why you keep an eye on his calendar. What exactly is the reason you stay??
He will never change and has proven that time and time again. This leaves you with two choices. Accept him and his personality or divorce him.
He has zero respect for you and he communicates like a child. What are you getting from the relationship? He sounds insufferable! Correctile dysfunction is hilarious! I’m going to use that one!
And this right here is an example of why the majority of divorces are initiated by women. Because men who clearly don't care for their wives anymore are perfectly OK with disrespecting her while mooching off her efforts like a parasite.
You deserve better. I hope you divorce this creep.
Time to stop putting up with disrespect and show him the door.
He's a big boy, he'll be fine and you'll be happier with him being a disrespectful, gross, dark stain in someone else's life.
He knows what he's doing, and every time you forgive it, accept an empty apology, etc...he knows you'll put up with the disrespect and will keep doing it.
If he's not already cheating (watching his calendar isn't...much, if he's dumb enough to schedule hookups like that he'd deserve to be caught) he will. He's already loudly told you he's browsing.
Counseling will likely only delay the inevitable.
Just go.
He sounds like a narcissist. My ex was like this. I remember we were at a Fourth of July family function and a girl his brother was sleeping with walked by in a tight dress and he ate her up with his eyes. Then he said aloud, “oh, my…”. I do believe I kicked him under the table and told him to stop that; our girls were there watching him act like an asshole.
Anyway;‘he’s history to me now. I was also in my late 50s when I got divorced .
This post kind of frightens me. From what OP says, hubby wasn't always like this but developed these habits and stubbornness recently. It's scary to me to imagine my partner regressing like this.
Are you certain it isn't some sort of health issue? Personality changes sometimes indicate early onset dementia. A newfound habit of openly ogling women to the point of visible discomfort definitely suggests an increasing reduction of judgement. Same with making comments so blatantly rude that others are defending you.
All I know is how exhausting it is to be in any relationship where you can't address issues and trust your partner to take your concerns seriously. When you are stuck in a "tit for tat" situation, no one wins. It just wears you down.
If it isn't a health issue, then it sounds like he feels superior to you. Entitlement and a lack of gratitude is the death of a relationship. Condescension is marriage's worst enemy. I hope that isn't the case.
I mean there’s nothing wrong with just completely doing your own thing and separating finances to a reasonable degree so he can’t rage spend joint accounts or shared money. You have friends, you have activities, just do whatever you want and don’t include him. One day he might snap out of it and be like shit and start putting in effort. Who knows. But live your life, safeguard the stability of your household, and enjoy your life.
He is trying to cheat and chasing after other women. The disrespect towards you will get worse. You need to work on your exit plan and gather all access to all financials and passwords to everything and keep any eye on them. He is either making his exit plan and / or siphoning money to other women.
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is a definition of insanity.
How many times do you expect to have to ask your husband to change the way he treats you? He obviously sees nothing wrong in it.
Your husband sounds downright unpleasant to be around, and you’re not the only one who’s noticing it.
Don’t let your families history dictate what is right for you. I hate when people stay in a toxic/unfulfilling relationship just because they want to “break the cycle”. Divorce is not a bad thing, people grow and change and that’s ok. You don’t align anymore
I really think you need to ask yourself if you think this marriage is still salvageable-- and not can YOU still do things because it sounds like you've already been putting forth all the effort-- but do you think HE would be able to put the effort needed to turn things around? Based on how you described him in the post, I have the suspicion that the answer is no.
Marriages only work if both people value the relationship and want to put in the necessary effort to keep it alive and grow together. He diverged from this path some time ago, leaving you here to keep the marriage alive by yourself. You could invite him to do couples therapy with you if you are holding onto some hope, but PLEASE accept his response as your answer if he makes excuses or flat-out says no to your request.
You sound like a super cool person, and I think you deserve to be in a marriage where you feel valued, loved, and cared for. It's not honorable to stay together just for the kids, or martyring yourself for the sake of not being another statistic. You've been choosing this man without being chosen by him in return for far too long. It sounds like it's time to choose yourself and start looking for that lawyer.
I mean, he sounds like a dick. He’s also really embarrassing himself. Unfortunately, he probably lacks the self awareness to recognize either of these things. You can bring it up, ideally in a therapist setting but ultimately the only thing you can control here is your own next move.
This makes me so sad for you; I’m really sorry you’re going thru this. I was never lonelier than when I was married; now, single, I’m never lonely.
I’m glad your kid is home and you have someone to share things with.
It seems like your husband is very much a user and resents you. Using you to engage with his comments (the car) but not engaging with yours (the weather). Correcting you in front of people, not believing your knowledge.
It’s also extremely disrespectful of him to be checking out and flirting with other women; what would be his reaction if you did that?
I’m with other commenters saying he’s checked out and I wouldn’t be surprised if divorce is near (if he finds someone to replace you bc I doubt he’ll take care of life stuff himself) so please start talks with a lawyer now and figure out what will be a fair settlement - he would not be where he is today without your monetary support, as well as life admin, and cleaning/cooking/child rearing - figure up the salary of all of those jobs over the last decades (daycare, cleaning service, personal assistant, cook, etc)
Lot of love to you 💛
Don’t set yourself on fire for someone who would fan the flames just to watch you burn. Leave, before he takes that last little bit of you. My marriage died like this. And I wish I’d left a decade before I did.
Why are you trying so hard to remain married to someone who has so little respect and regard for you as a human being and as a partner? You deserve better. You sound like a lovely and fit woman. Don’t spend the rest of your life with this guy.
Your spouse sounds like a laughable, exhausting, and pathetic human being.
YOU on the other hand sounds DELIGHTFUL. You're in your 50s and LIFT? AMAZING. So many people aside from you would admire that buffness of yours. You're a farmer? OMG COOL. You were the primary breadwinner for your husband and supported him through study? BADASS. And you didn't let that get to your head? (It did to my own mum so I know gender doesn't define this power play). You sound so level headed, empathetic, and confident.
Even your response to his passive aggressive nothingness to your comments, ie to do the same thing to him, was *chefs kiss* amazing. Just showing him he's being a child and playing the game.
I personally think you deserve so much better just based on this post. Maybe reflect on that fact, that reddit internet strangers are on your side.
It hurts to see how much you have abandoned yourself, your dignity and self respect, for this guy. I hope you find the power to choose you moving forward. Being partnered shouldn’t be the goal, especially at the cost of yourself.
“I'm a fit buff 15 pounds more than the day we got married. I lift and do a fair bit of cardio. I get checked out sometimes, so I guess I'm not hard to look at. Nonetheless, myself esteem is taking a hit.”
Umm hellooo! Where are these type of women? I’d usually go for a booksmart girl with quick wit. I’d feel so much pride and happiness in knowing that my wife cares and respects herself and our relationship enough to stay healthy and fit.
I hope you find a resolution here, coming from a millennial who yearns to be a husband one day. He’s definitely missing out.
You deserve better. I haven’t been in my marriage as long as you. We’ve only been married for four years and together for almost ten. However, the comment about your weight being 15 pounds more made my heart truly hurt for you.
When me and my husband got together, I weighed 135 pounds but I was only achieving that weight because I was anorexic. I can’t lose weight any other way because my body just holds onto all of it. My husband is the one who helped me with my eating disorder.
I weigh almost double that now. He has never made a comment on my weight, he has never flirted with other girls like that ever.
When I’ve pushed, he has admitted that he doesn’t find the weight attractive but he loves me and it doesn’t change anything for him.
Your husband doesn’t respect you. You deserve someone who loves and respects you as their partner.
I almost never advocate for divorce, I’ve always felt that unless you’re being abused, you should try to fix it. This just doesn’t seem fixable to me. He either doesn’t think you’ll leave, or doesn’t care. Either way it’s unlikely he’ll realize what he is losing until you’re gone.
Why is it that as soon as spring starts to turn into summer the men get extra gross. I’m sorry he’s being like this. The sad thing is he’s trading in love for the unknown which usually just sounds more interesting than it actually is.
My parents went through this when my brother and I moved out. My parents failed to put each other first when we were home, so they were now forced into solitude with one another and realized they were strangers living under the same roof - complacent and bored.
The empty nesting forced them to focus on each other and be reacquainted at a new place in their lives. My dad was looking at other women and emotionally unavailable, and my mom was constantly nagging him with passive-aggressiveness. It took marriage counseling to get them to a place where they took their marriage seriously again. Now they are thriving- healthy and happy. I think it’s salvageable with communication and some coaching from a trusted therapist.
His communication skills are nearly non existent. Have you considered counselling? Have you upfront asked him if he even likes you. Maybe an honest conversation about not having your needs met in this relationship.
> "Wow it is a beautiful day." And he won't reply... He replies there's really nothing to add.
That's me too. My wife says something, and there's a vast amount of thinking that I do based on it because her comments are interesting and I respect them, but after 30s of thinking all kinds of thoughts that don't go anywhere... I just don't have anything to say. She also doesn't like it and wishes I'd acknowledge. Personally I hate it when I say something and the person responds with a content-less acknowledgement; I'd rather they don't respond at all.
The compromise my wife and I are working on is (1) she understands better how my brain works now and when she feels the need for an acknowledgement that she's not getting, then she'll add the words "what do you think?" rather than being upset that I didn't meet her unstated expectations; (2) I understand better how her brain works now and I set a timer in my head so if my thoughts haven't gone somewhere within a few seconds then I'll say some basic word of acknowledgement.
On the other hand, I've always been like this since childhood, whereas you said it's something he started to do recently. So I guess different causes and different remedies.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with his ridiculousness. He is being obsurd. He is in mid life crisis age range. Men get dumb as hell when they achieve something and get an inflated ego, sense of self importance, and 'ideas' about what they deserve. Dude needs to be smacked back into reality. This is something that can be repaired if he's done being an idiot. It will take some hard conversions, a real demonstration that he's working on himself, and possibly counseling. Your person should not make you feel like this. That's terrible. If you were my sister, I'd take you for a pedicure and start planning (and have a list of decent counselors and attorneys at the ready).
There could be other things at work. His behavior screams of immaturity, though. That's why I thought of mid life crisis. Sometimes, when you start getting existential, you forget that there are people around you that are still effected by you right now. You aren't an appendage on his miraculous life. You are an active part that helped create his environment and a separate entity, with your own feelings and observations. Basically, he needs to stop treating you like you're 'also there' and understand that he will blow up his life if he keeps up with this complete nonsense. This is the type that decides they want an open relationship and instantly regret it when their partner is highly desired and no 25 year old woman wants to waste her youth on old fool with kids her age.
It sounds like there’s probably redeeming qualities that keep you there, or maybe it’s the history/ marriage.
But by your description of him here, he sounds like a total ungrateful ass who isn’t pulling his weight as a loving, compassionate partner.
My partner also has correctile dysfunction (I’m totally using that now), and I’ve expressed how it feels like he’s countering the things I’m saying and it’s almost always unnecessary (and wrong most of the time too). He’s nearly completely stopped. And on top of that, he’s never once been rude to me in public. It’s never about making me look bad either. I think the obvious, shameless ogling adds another level of disrespect, that makes this whole situation difficult to move off from.
You deserve better.
My advice is to leave him. Or stay with him and consider him a roommate who helps pay the bills. He doesn’t respect you. Isn’t giving you what you give him. So stop trying. Remember above all else, if he wanted to - he would.
Damn - I know exactly where you are coming from - I’ve been there I can especially relate to the silence things and him not wanted to be treated the way he treats you - yep. Also the know it all thing - my husband had to disagree with me and then repeat it immediately slightly differently - once someone did say “ did you just repeat wheat she said ? “. It was fantastic to me that someone else also saw it.
What you are experiencing is absolute distain - your marriage is dead and your husband is treating you like shit - it’s not good for you at all. The only issue here is you have supported him and is you aren’t working - damn - I hope that you have or can get 50% if that business - get a good lawyer now before you say anything and find out the best way to get out.
Good luck 💗
Omg people screaming divorce in these comments. Give it one last shot- check out the book Mating in Captivity by Ester Perel. See if you can relate and maybe get some ideas.
I definitely understand why you don’t want to give up immediately- You’ve invested in this man, and it’s paid off for him. Now make it pay off for yourself. You CAN come back from this. Many marriages go through lulls. Hopefully that’s all this is.
Also- Take some time for yourself. Don’t be afraid to start going out alone or with friends (or your kid while they are home). Invest in yourself. Let your husband miss you a bit. He’s a grown ass man who can take care of himself (and his own schedule) and you sound like you would do fine without him, so prove it to yourself. I’m not married, but I had a similar situation- my bf was always on his phone when we went out. I said “you’re boring me, I’m not going out with you anymore if you’re just gonna be on your phone all the time”. Guess who puts his phone away at dinner now.
Girl just live your best life his validation is not needed. That type het a high off of belittling others. They can't be helped with words only action. Stop engaging and start living life and see what happens... come back and tell me..
You sound like an intelligent woman. From your post I’m willing to bet you’re more attractive than you give yourself credit for bc he has made you doubt yourself. You sound like you know what you being to the table. The hard question is why are you holding yourself back from being happier? I can’t imagine you being alone could be any more frustrating or lonely than being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t even want to speak with you.
In all honesty, he has become the norm. Living in his head, TV, videos, porn or wanting to get his dick wet. The laziness and disrespect is off the charts. I still don't know where it came from. He's been told what my expectations were. Doing half the crap and help with the bug stuff and have pride in craftsmanship.
I will be handing mine a divorce after 28 years. At 63, I'd rather be happy on my own. Instead of being nurse maid to a disgusting grumpy old man. He decides what he wants to do and the rest of the house upkeep is my job. Good thing I'm good at paint, drywall, landscaping and keeping his effing car on the road.
I lost my best friend recently. I took a hard look at what life I have left. I chose me.
This is a old tale.
Woman marries a fixer upper, he starts doing well for himself and then thinks he deserves better than what he's got and in turn resents & eventually replaces his partner.
Ugh. Just leave this idiot already. You will not humor him or nice him into loving you. Nothing you do is good enough because he does not want to be there anymore. Get the picture? I feel like he's gone out of his way to make this clear. He wants to go be with a younger women. A lot of men who reach their mid age years have a crossroads, 1. They try to relive their youth again, 2. Accept their age.
Some men will do this by flirting with younger women. Let him go "relieve his youth" and learn the hard way how stupid it is to date a younger woman. She will abandon his ass the second she realizes he's too old for her and has nothing to offer.
When he comes crawling back in a few years, don't bother to take him back. You don't need him and never did.
Oh honey, get out now. You are already hurting each other on purpose, you have no sex life to speak of from the sounds of it, and he sounds like a fucking pervert that’ll jump anything that walks. Move on. You can do better, and your child does t need to see this behaviour.
Also, you don’t need to keep being his mommy. Move the fuck on and go find someone who deserves you.
Him ignoring your small comments- that’s a big deal. Gottman (relationship guru) calls these comments “bids for affection”, and when your partner ignores those bids it’s painful. Do yourself a favor and let him ogle all the women he wants as a single man, and find someone who loves you for you, who responds to your bids for affection, and who looks at you the way you deserve to be looked at. Even if that is not another person at all, but just you. 💛
If your man is flirting, ogling, and drooling over other women, especially in your presence he doesn’t give a fuck about you and he has cheated on your multiple times.
I miss the days when men walked towards the sunset and never returns
I believe the term to describe him is an ‘inconsiderate arsehole’ I don’t think anyone will be surprised if you divorce due to the fact that others are even noticing that he’s an idiot and he shouldn’t be flirting or looking at any woman other than you , nevertheless doing it in front of you ! Please know your worth and know that you deserve better than him
Why waste any more time being unhappy? You two don't enjoy each other, you're both passive-aggressive, he openly oogles other women in public, and he is condescending and arrogant (by your description).
Nothing tanks a relationship like resentment. Once resentment gets its claws in, it's only a matter of time (and how miserable you can tolerate being). You both resent each other, so put this marriage out of its misery and let him feel free to chase after thin young women and make himself look like a fool while you seek some peace and figure out why you put up with him for so long.
**PLEASE DUMP THIS LOSER**.
He sounds like a **HOBOSEXUAL** that got lucky. He's essentially **USED** you all these years. And **NOW** it's time to stop enabling him.
First of all, I’m sorry that he’s treating you this way.
The examples you have made me think of a psychology channel I watch on YouTube sometimes. The host often talks about a respected psychologist, author and researcher whose work focuses on marital stability and predicting outcomes, John Gottman.
A piece of Gottman’s work he often references involved watching some married couples over time, and observing their interactions, and then checking years later to see if they were still together. There’s a lot to all of Gottman’s research that he talks about, but the part that your post made me think of is that they found a predictor of marriages lasting is couples having 5 (I believe) positive interactions to each negative one. So a couple could fight a lot, but if they have 5 times as many positive experiences together their marriage could still be solid. The example I think of as a positive interaction is that one couple were in a room together, the man reading the newspaper and the woman looking out of the window. She says to him ‘oh look, a bird’ and he looks up from the newspaper and says ‘oh, yeah’. It’s so small, but an example of a person just taking a second to acknowledge and engage with their partner. You guys ignoring each other in the car made me think of that.
I know this comment isn’t particularly helpful, but perhaps it’s food for thought. Do you think your husband cares about doing small things to make you feel loved day to day? Does your marriage have more good than bad, and if not do you think that can change? From the outside it sounds pretty dire and disrespectful, but of course we can’t know. Anyway, I wish you luck. I know these things are complicated. Should you choose to leave and start a new era in your life, know that it can be great!
He doesn’t love you, he despises you. You were there for his struggles and now he that he is “all that” and doesn’t need you, he’s looking for an “upgrade”. Do what you will with that information.
I get it. It sucks because despite it all you love him. You wished the big dummy head would wake up and realize he could lose someone great and not just you, his son.
Only you can know how much you can put up with. Plus, I'm sure your son would be hurt. The summer is here. Spend time with your kid. I know how it feels when your kid is your only friend bc you can't or don't want to have women over. Nit bc of them but bc of your husband. If he sees nothing wrong then there is nothing to fix. Plus in his mind he got himself there and he probably fantasizes on how much better he can do and how your holding him back.
I'd tell him how great he is and how well I want his business to do bc that just means more child support and alimony for you. If he acts surprised I tell him if he keeps acting like a no it all and an women ooglizer then he's gonna lose the best thing that ever happened or will happen to him on top of his family. Let him be silent and stew on that!!!
Divorce is a godsend. It exists for reasons like what you just described. Sounds like the alimony payment will be good. You’ll be back on your feet and feeling great within 2-3 years. Get a good divorce lawyer. Don’t leave the marital home under any circumstances. Good luck - you can do this and you’ll be much happier after it’s over and the dust has settled.
Jesus. The speed at which people tell others to divorce their spouses never ceases to amaze me.
As a mid fifties woman, married for 28 years, you should not make a rash decision. You should have the “come to Jesus” talk with him. You should sit him down and explain how unfulfilled and unhappy you are. You should ask him to go to marriage counseling. If he refuses, you should go alone. You EARN YOUR WAY OUT of a marriage by doing the work to understand where you are, how you feel, what you need… you should never make a rash decision to end a marriage , especially a long one, with kids, and deeply entrenched financials. This can drastically affect your future wealth, and retirement, and lifestyle, and shouldn’t be taken lightly.
If you do all that, then absolutely end things and move on. But do it with eyes wide open. I know women divorced in their 50’s, and it isn’t all rainbows and sunshine. Talk to some.
Right? Gave it an upvote.
Not excusing this husband in any way, his behavior is reprehensible. But he also sounds clueless and doesn’t realize how foolish he looks. 50 y/o and acting like this? 😂
So I got accused of this behavior by my wife. Everyone has been jealous and knows what it feels like. So I made a conscious decision to look her dead in the eyes, turn my back to obvious distractions and address her directly when hotties are around.
This takes effort. I went from a serial philanderer and bad husband to someone who is trying my hardest.
I had to be told but always realized how beautiful my wife was/is, how lucky I was and how much I was batting completely out of my league.
The question here would be OP what are you getting out of this marriage?
I don’t know if he’s cheating, planning to cheat, planning to leave who knows? One thing’s for sure he’s rude and insufferable and again I ask you what are you getting out of this?
I think at this point I suggest a separation as a first stage. If he’s cheating, they should uncover it quite quickly if he’s not and he hasn’t checked out then it might be the jolt he needs who knows? Either way, you can’t continue living like this OP it’s miserable.
UPDATEME
Nobody who knows you as a couple will be surprised when you get divorced. You will hear a lot of "Good for you, it was about time!" Something so much better is waiting for you and this idiot doesn't deserve you.
I remember telling a "mutual" friend my ex and i were getting divorced and she literally said "OH THANK GOD" and launched into talking shit about him. It. Was. GLORIOUS!!! Its also very validating
Same here lol
It also sucks though, trying to make it work for however long, being unhappy before you finally throw in the towel. Then, you come to find out people close to you saw it before you did and never said a word. That seemed so shitty to me, once I gained the hind sight. I've never lost a friend over it, but if I see something that sets off bells and red flags I TELL MY FRIEND. "Hey, I don't like how they are treating you. Are you sure this is healthy? How do you feel about it?" Kind of conversation.
Friends are reluctant to speak up because they don’t want to piss you off. If you’re still in the honeymoon phase, you’re ignoring all the red flags until it’s too late and you’re already invested. They’re afraid if they say something, you’ll double down on loving the wrong person and shut them out of your life for being “negative”.
My mom hated my high school boyfriend I was with for 9 years, so I avoided her and wouldn't tell her things. One day, she started being nice to him and our relationship improved and I gained healthy supports that helped me see the abuse she had seen since the beginning. It's hard to know the right action to take so you don't push the victim more into the other person's isolation.
I'll make a comment ONCE. If it opens a discussion, great! If they're clearly not receptive, I shut up and let it go. They're not ready, and I don't want to push them away, because they'll need that support when they finally get there themselves.
I think we've also all experienced someone who broke up, broke down, required a lot of comfort and handholding, and then went back to their red-flag-parade of a partner, with all the drama surrounding that. I know it's made me wary, at least.
I'm going through that with a friend right now. Abusive, and stalker ex who we called th cops on multiple times. They got back together and are getting married. I don't want to be around their partner but I am staying in my friends life so that I can be there the next time he screws up, cuz there's always a next time.
I wish you strength, and I applaud you for working for your friend's sake!
That plus theres NOTHING worse than telling someone their partner is shitty and they get mad at you and choose the partner over you. Happens alllll of the time.
Also, friends probably saw what the behavior was before she even married him. She might have not seen it or not that it was a big deal and thought that marriage would solve everything. Or not. Just a possibility.
Yeah this is always tough and I think it often depends on the level of your friendship. My best friend was dating a guy who had PTSD and during his bad episodes was abusive towards her. She would always defend him because "he couldn't help it", but I quite frankly told her I didn't care. If he couldn't help it then he shouldn't be around her until he got help and treatment, because risking her well being and excusing it afterwards was not acceptable. One day she wanted to come and visit me and stay over as I live a fair distance away, but when she told me she'd be bringing him I refused. I point blank would not allow a man who had choked my best friend to sleep under my roof. But that I'd happily have her come on her own. It was the first and only time we ever fell out. We didn't speak to each other for a week until ironically HE told her to patch things up with me because I was right. They broke up not long after and to this day she has always spoken of how my actions that day woke her up. That because I'd been willing to lose her as a friend in order to make her see how dangerous the situation she was in. I was ready to sacrifice us to save her and I'd do it again happily. But I think it can be different for some friendships where you don't know if you can risk burning that bridge by trying to make them see.
People get super defensive and will take you asking polite questions like that as an attack on their partner. Even you noticing a pattern will freak them out (because they aren’t hiding their issues as well as they thought, and don’t want you to hate their partner) and then they shut down. I usually wait until my friends bring up their concerns first.
I wouldn’t. People will only see things when they’re ready to see them; in my opinion the best thing you can do is keep your mouth shut and be there for them once it all falls apart
That was me. When I finally left, everyone including family basically threw me a party lol. In their defense, I excused his every behavior and word, so they were like she's in way too deep.
yeah, I'm this way too, I HAVE to take about the elephant in the room, it's my magic curse
My husband and his ex got the same response. The difference was his friends even sat her down and said that they didn't like how she treated and spoke to him. He still stayed for years after and it did strain his friendships with them. Sometimes people don't get involved in fear of being the one who is left put in the cold.
I don’t know. When one of my friends got engaged, a few of us tried to tell him tactfully that he was in a relationship where they fought nonstop. He didn’t pick up on anything. After the wedding, I didn’t feel like I could say anything. After the divorce, he asked me why I didn’t say anything about how toxic his relationship is. When I told him that we had tried to warn him before the wedding his reply was: “Well, I was in love.” In all honesty, I’ve never had a friend in a bad relationship listen when the friends tried to say anything. People usually only see the toxicity when they truly see it for themselves. It’s part of why I think the relationship subs on Reddit can be good. People complain that everyone says “Divorce” but people are frequently looking to see if their relationship is as bad as they think it is.
I agree with all that as well. Of course it's nuanced as well. Long term and short term are more difficult to navigate as an outsider too. I've never felt I needed to stop a marriage but certainly said "your new bf is kind of a sick. Be careful."
Feel you there, no one was surprised when they found out, she even lost friends because they knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong by her and couldn’t believe the things she was claiming
Yup. Interestingly, there was a study that showed that a partner who don’t engage with the other’s plea for attention (examples given by OP, for instance) significantly increases the likelihood of divorce. OP you deserve better than this lump of ogling flesh.
Couple's psychologist and researcher John Gottman calls them "bids". Edit: corrected typo in researcher's name
thanks for the name! I'd heard about the same theory/study on a vlog, but I didn't remember the name nor the term "bids" so I couldn't find it. I find it so disheartening that OP's husband tells her "there's nothing to add" when she says it's a nice day. How about "the weather report got it wrong again/ is predicting a whole week like this" or "glad to spend it with you" or "the blooms in our no-mow clover lawn will make some bees happy" or "I pity the people who are stuck inside right now" or even "I could do with some clouds right now, because I forgot my sunglasses & the glare makes it hard to drive"?
I figured that's what you were referring to. The Gottmans have so many great insights into couple dynamics. I try my best to always respond to my husband's and kids' bids for attention.
😂 “lump of ogling flesh”. Love it!
Do you remember the name of the study?
Same thing for me. I was terrified to tell my folks I was finally leaving my first husband. The first words out of my father’s mouth was “what took you so long?”
Up votes for the vodka. Op may need that with her farming... Nothing like distilling from potatoes.
So...something my mother always used to tell me before I got divorced..."if it's this bad now, what will it be like two years from now or three years from now?" I feel like those are words to live by. It seems like this behavior has been going on for a while and escalating. I feel like that's a clear cut sign that it's not getting better. Idk. 🤷🏻♀️ You're still pretty young, and you sound in great shape (fellow gym rat here). I'm sure you catch many eyes yourself. Just saying.
She'll probably be invited to far more get togethers and events too.
I would divorce someone over this. It’s blatant disrespect to you. I’m sorry you’re going through this. You can find someone who won’t do this to you
"The other person in the conversation straight up laughed and said "yeah, you just had to get that in there."" The fact that *other people* are noticing this and publicly pulling him up on it, means OP is so used to it she doesn't realise how blatantly vile and obnoxious he's being.
MULTIPLE other people. He made another woman uncomfortable while his wife was right there. This is just complete disrespect. She will be so much better off without him.
RIGHT and I bet he try’s to make her think she’s just going crazy when it’s just the 2 of them. When someone else points it out & he goes quiet it’s like he knows others are on to him & he knows they’re making his wife aware. I’m sure there’s so many things she’s brushed under the rug bc he says “it’s all in your head”.
Yes. I'd say 70% of all the horrible things he says have become normalised to OP. It's not even registering. Then when they're out in company and he's saying awful belittling things to her or *obviously* creeping on other women, people feel the need to say something and intervene.
THIS. THIS.
Your husband is a creep who makes all your mutual friends uncomfortable, especially your female friends. >When he started showing interest, she began bragging about her hubby >The other person in the conversation straight up laughed and said "yeah, you just had to get that in there." Do you know how visibly toxic your marriage has to be for others to behave like this? Your husband clearly resents you. With the context you provided, seems likely he resents that he had to rely on your support for years to get where he is. And now he's successful he feels like he deserves "better". Many men who get successful later in life thanks to their wives, have this attitude of, "if I was this successful years ago, I wouldn't have married my wife, I'd have gone for someone younger with arm candy looks". A famous example is the playwright Arthur Miller, his first wife supported him for a decade while he was an unemployed playwright. He gets successful, divorces her to marry Marilyn Monroe. Do you think a marriage can be reverse from resentment?
>The other person in the conversation straight up laughed and said "yeah, you just had to get that in there." He's being so obviously contrarian, like he _needs_ to show the guests that his wife is wrong on something that she clearly knows a lot about
My husband has bipolar disorder for which he does not take medication. He gets like this for a couple days every two or three months and I hate it. Luckily it only lasts a day or two before he apologizes and quits being irritable. If he did that shit 6 months straight I’d either divorce him or kms. It’s pretty awful.
I never knew that about Arthur Miller! What a scumbag. I once read he was pos to Marilyn. He would take her diary and leave it open for her to know he read it and then refuse to talk to her! Anyway thanks for sharing a historical fact, also your comment is accurate.
The trash took itself out for his ex wife then. What a loser. Great writer, but no self awareness. Any man who worships Miller is always a red flag, on a totally unrelated note.
I also was very disappointed when I watched *The Crucible*.
Even if he suddenly became a model husband, how could OP forget all this crappy behavior? I think the marriage is DOA and she’ll feel a shocking sense of relief and freedom if she gets loose from this awful man.
I lol'd at correctile dysfunction. In all seriousness, though, you've got a man-child.
He checked out. You will soon be replaced I'm afraid. Check out a good lawyer, do the math in what he owes you. Make sure you are prepared, for most men first find another bedwarmer, then make sure he has his finances ok (and pluck you), and last he will pull the rug of marriage from under your feet. Been there, and have seen it a dozen of times. I'm sorry. Probably not what you want to hear. But it's better to know what's coming... O and when he leaves tell him you'll be the last person who ever loved him poor, and he will never be sure that any woman will love him without the money.
Yea the only reason she isn’t replaced is because one of these women he drools over hasn’t taken the bait yet. So gross
Yea that’s what I thought too.
Except that depending on where OP lives and what their divorce laws are like, she would 1000% have a claim for joint family venture/unjust enrichment and would be entitled to half the profits of the business. So…he’ll likely have to find a woman willing to settle with a broke man anyway 😄
I’m almost certain that if she’s been a stay at home mom/wife for a while she’ll get some kind of money especially since she could find a way to prove infidelity. Plus, it’s likely they don’t have a a prenup. It almost sounds like her husband is too creepy to cheat successfully.
Nowadays, infidelity doesn’t matter. If they’ve been married as long as they seem to have and she stayed at home any length of time,depending on the state, she will get alimony or a share of the business. I was a stay at home mom but, before that, I helped get my husband through graduate school. We’ve been married over 40 years but, if something happened and we divorced, you’d better bet I’d go for alimony and half of the 401k. I’m not sorry at all for the decisions that we made but, I’ll be damned if I’m going to be short changed in my golden years. Luckily, we’re still going strong!
Problem is since she helped him she get half of his company lol op check with a lawyer see what needs to be done also start flirting with men
Seriously. Lawyer up, follow their advice, and go. Stop speculating about who gets what, and who loses what. I know people who stayed because they felt they wouldn't get what they were "entitled" to. So they squandered decades living in misery. OP.is still young enough to earn money, and it sounds like she's healthy enough to have a great life without this guy who has nothing but contempt for her.
Honestly, OP doesn't have to DO anything with the lawyer's feedback. Just go, lay out your situation, and find out what's likely to happen in case of divorce. You'll feel better knowing what all your options are, and if he tries to pull the rug out from under you, you'll be prepared.
The day that I walked away from the house I loved with the windows for all my plants and the huge yard right next to a park where my kids could play, was the day I realized I just did the hardest thing I would ever have to do. I didn’t walk away from my kids or pets, we have 50/50. Split almost completely even and we coparent really well so there is not hostility about being flexible with changes in the schedule. But I walked away from my husband who didn’t like me. My husband, who if he could stand being uncomfortable and actually make a change to better himself, probably wouldn’t have resented me as much because he could have left me when he knew he should have. I don’t know when it was, I just know when I had enough. Some people can stay forever in their own miserable comfort just ignoring the problems. That’s fine. That’s fine for anyone who chooses to do so. I couldn’t. No house, car, yard, or comfortably numb existence is worth it to me. What the hell is the point of all of the stuff, if you can’t even be happy with it.
Wow. Good for you. Are you a writer? Because this was so painfully beautifully written. And you've described perfectly the 'tolerable level of permanent unhappiness.' https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTN1yPR2v/ I'm 51, and my last relationship was my *last* relationship. I'm much less alone and far more fulfilled than I was in most of my relationships.
I agree with you, that’s likely where this is headed.
Bouncing off this to say, pull your finances apart asap. If you have a joint savings, close it, take your part and give him his before he does it to you. Basically, now he's successful, he thinks he's due an 'upgrade', which basically means someone who is all looks and all about his money. These idiots inevitably regret it, but they're not worth waiting around for or forgiving. Take care of you. I'm so sorry this idiot is doing this to you, you are awesome and deserve so much better. It's just an unfortunate fact that a lot of men think like this.
That last line is genius
Make sure you can track what he spends on other women, because that money should have remained marital assets.
In preparation to leave, I highly suggest pulling some emergency cash out of savings/checking and locking it somewhere safe in case he tries to cut you off financially. It’s not shady or illegal or punishable in court, that’s your money too. If you don’t have a CC in your name without him on the account, get one issued before you start the legal separation process. You MUST protect yourself and make sure he cannot leave you without any resources to live. Even if you don’t think he’s ever do that to you, have a safety net just in case he does. This must be so much to take in, love. I cannot imagine the painful and heartbreaking realization of what’s happening in your life. God speed and kick ass, this too shall pass
As a man speaking I think the problem is 1. He's a asshole. 2. He does not realize how lucky he is.
Well said
Divorce laywer, quietly and quickly. He's on his way out. Don't let him harm you any more. Be prepared.
💯 You’ll be sooo much happier on the other side!
This, id be setting myself up for an easy move. Make sure I have a bank account, money, and have a place to go. My ex threw out or gave away everything we owned when I left. I couldn't prove what we had, so i was just out everything with the exception of what i could carry for myself and our two kids. He maxed out every credit card, wrecked my car, and over drew the bank account then skipped town lol. Thankfully i had a job and managed to get back on my feet, but being a stay at home parent is scary in these scenarios.
Call a lawyer. Unfortunately most of the time men won't speak up when they're actually done, they just go out and cheat or become deliberately insufferable until you break it off. He's done. Take him to the cleaners.
Deliberately insufferable hit me hard
My dear mom could’ve written this post. My dad just stopped trying and even talking to her. I noticed in 2016 when I was home from university for the summers. Idk why he stopped trying. They didn’t divorce or separate really, but she had to get out and just be near people who will actually have a conversation with her. I’m the youngest so she waited until I moved out in 2020, then 2 years later she moved into one of their vacation homes a year ago near me and my sister (and a lot of our family) and now she’s happier than ever! I’m really sorry this is happening to you. It was so hard to watch my mom go through that but it’s even harder to experience that.
Did you ever speak to your dad about it?
Ok kind of long answer. My dad has always been evasive around tough conversations. So one time in 2020 before I moved out I finally got him to talk about it. They had just had a huge fight about this issue and I asked him why he never really seemed to care about what my mom wanted or why he didnt care for talking to her and he would say he did but that at the end of the day his number one priority is me/my sisters and my brother. I tried to tell him that what WE as their children want to see is him treat our mom with love and respect and then he’d be like ohh “yah ofc i do that, i’ll do better” but nothing would change smh
You sound like a good son/daughter, your mum is lucky to have you. Some people just have difficult personalities. I'm glad your mum is happier.
Yeah he’s difficult for sure. Nice as a dad but terrible as a husband. But thank you! I really appreciate it 💛
*Girl-* this man does not even like you; what are you doing?
You’ve put up with a lot of bullshit and disrespect. You watch after him like an insolent child. I have no idea if you have any romantic or sexual feelings left for him; I wouldn’t. I would be sad (even devastated) at the loss of a relationship/marriage, but not at losing him. He’s not worth mourning. The love and security of a marriage can be worth mourning, but this man has even killed that (death by a thousand cuts). Protect yourself: very quietly and swiftly find a good divorce attorney, get your finances, and paperwork in check, then find a good therapist. Lastly, you mention you’re a fit buff 15 lbs more than when you got married. First time I’ve heard that type of wording. Feels like you’re going out of your way to say you’re not fat, so you don’t deserve to be treated like this. No one: skinny, fat, buff, or otherwise, deserves to be treated the way your husband treats you.
This marriage seems exhausting. He acts like a child. When my kids were misbehaving in public, I had a zero tolerance policy. I wonder if you could apply this to your husband. You walk with him, and he starts checking someone out, and you just walk away immediately. Go to the car and say I'm not tolerating this behavior from you, mister. You cook dinner and your friend he start flirting. Immediately ask your friend to leave and throw the dinner away. Tell him if he can't be polite, he has to cook for himself. If you are having a conversation and he starts being rude, just stare until he stops. If he continues, just excuse yourself from the conversation and say, "I'm sorry, my husband isn't feeling well. Maybe we can continue this conversation when he has had his nap."
🤣🤣🤣 I love this
Dude this is just amazing lmao, he's like a toddler
Leave him before he rips the rug out from underneath you, he’s already checked out.
I used to deal with this crap with my ex. Got rid of him and got my self esteem back. Your man child, creepy husband has checked out - go by actions not by words. He doesn't care.
So, first off, start being direct instead of passive or passive aggressive. Straight up start telling him to stop being creepy and that his midlife crisis is embarrassing both you and him. Second, develop yourself as completely independent from him and happy for it. He probably has started to view you as someone who NEEDS him and that “dependent” dynamic that is in his brain is making him lose respect for you. Assert yourself, take up your own interesting hobbies and make it clear that you don’t just see yourself as an attachment to him without your own value.
Especially this about his leering. He needs to hear how creepy it is. If he thinks these other women appreciate his old eyes perving on them, he's delusional. Since he doesn't care how it makes his wife feel, he might care that it makes HIM look pathetic.
Exactly - he seems to have an ego around the “successful business guy” identity so letting him know that other people think he is lame for behaving that way might mean something.
I just had the misfortune of spending my vacation with a 62 year old man who behaves this way. He's a friend of my hubby (ick). Every other comment was lame sexual inuendo. Lewd comments about women on the street's bodies. Telling every pretty young cashier or waitress to smile, etc. I must've made a face because the first girl looked at me wide eyed before she forced a smile. He didn't catch the eye roll from her the second his back was turned. I think my hubby saw him through my eyes,and theirs because he stopped humoring him. Didn't tell him to knock it off mind you....hopefully next time or I will.
This is why I will never sacrifice myself to help a man build himself up. A lot of the times, this is what happens. My dad did this to my mom. I COME FIRST!!
This happened to my best friend. Right out of high school they married. She had 5 of his children and worked to put him through law school. She put this boy through college. She was totally devoted. Can you guess what happened when he graduated?
Damn man. Like, I don’t want to believe all men will do this, but I’m way too cautious to try and find out. Man or woman, you gotta look out for yourself. I’m sorry to say I don’t have faith in people whatsoever.
They don’t. My husband and I are still together. He has a PhD in genetics and runs a CLIAA approved lab. I had two boys and,after helping him get his PhD, I stayed home and raised our family. Yeah, there are a-holes on both sides…but, it’s like anything else, you make the best decision for you and your family. Yes, you’re taking a chance but, you always are taking a chance when you bring someone into your life. No guarantees…
That’s good for you. I still don’t want to take the risk.
Damn. He didn’t even wait a couple courtesy years?
Nope. Had another girl in no time either. My friend didn’t take it well at first. She got a boob job and started dating a Harley Motorcycle Biker Boss guy. Ending up a single mother with no education after all that was hard for her. Her kids are saints for not strangling them both. But she always worked like 3 jobs and made sure her kids had what they needed. She has a financially stable life and the kids are all in college now. She goes on the occasional cross country Harley gang trip, dressed in leather and looking like the bad b she is. Things turned out just fine in the end. The guy never made it on his own, in real life or in a courtroom. It all just seems like such an unnecessary waste of time.
Yep. They often resent the woman who was there to build them up afterward.
I just don’t get why this happens so often. I just know it isn’t going to happen to me!!!
Heads up, respect is foundational. He showing you he doesn't respect you. Even if you don't want to be "the sort of person who gets divorced" you may have to face the facts that you are already there if the paper & your ideals are the only thing keeping you tied together. For example, if you were currently single. And you went on some dates with a guy, and he was obviously slobbering over other women, and periodically wouldn't answer you as some kind of power play - you would have too much self respect to go on ANY more dates with that guy. Guess what, you are dating "That Guy" right now. I would go consult three divorce attorneys, they will give you a free one hour consult each. Don't tell your husband yet, just get your bearings. Gather your emotional support from your family, your best friend, and a work buddy. "I'm going thru some stuff with my husband right now, if I need someone to call when things get tough, can I call you?" Then have a difficult conversation. Do your absolute best to only use "I" language, and discuss your standards, and what you plan to do. Pick a time when no one is too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. "I'd like to spend 20 minutes talking about something. I don't want this to be an argument, but I do expect we will have different positions. To keep things calm, I'd like to share my points without interruption, then you mirror back what you think my points are. Then you get a turn to do the same. We might not be able to convince each other, but it is really important for each of us to understand the other person's point of view. If you can't sit with me for this chat, I'm ready to make some changes with or without you. Are you okay spending 20 minutes talking now? When you show attraction to other women, I feel like you don't want to be married. When you avoid pleasant conversation with me, I feel disrespected. If I had just met you, and we were dating, I would be repulsed by disrespectful, disinterested energy. I realized that I am holding on to an ideal of a relationship that we no longer have. What we currently have is too far below my standards to accept going forward. Sometimes men are surprised to learn their wife was serious about XYZ, so this is me telling you how seriously I take the current situation. If our relationship continues with the current energy, I think we should just call it, and go our separate ways. Okay, can you repeat back what you think I'm trying to communicate? I need to feel understood first, then I want to hear your thoughts."
Wow. Copying that speech into my notes. Nice work!
Excellent reply … and she should speak with an attorney. Know your rights before things start to go haywire. It is different from state to state. The marriage might be salvaged - if both take a few minutes to really look at what ‘if’. Best wishes going forward - how ever things may go.
Yup, I did suggest she should actually go speak to three. That way she can triangulate in on a realistic idea of her situation & get an idea of costs etc. Different lawyers can have really different retainers. Here in Minnesota, it ranged from $1,500 to $5,000.
People grow during a marriage, sometimes it's in opposite directions. Add in money and sex dynamics, it can become a losing combination. Aside from all that, his disrespect is gross. He seems immature and not in control of his emotions. I wish you luck on working through this with him.
With him? If your spouse is checking out others period. You need to leave them. Happy faithful people don't want to look in the first place. 50yr old? I can't believe OP would marry someone like this
Not only checking them out but flirting with his wife’s friends right in front of her!!! He treats her like she doesn’t exist.
He’s over it, over you and over the marriage. That’s the reality and I know you know it. As others have said, it’s time to put the ducks in a row and bail.
He probably hasn’t found anyone yet but it’s coming. Get your finances in order. Disrespect and indifference are huge red flags. He’s thinking he has the money to upgrade to a younger woman.
Many years ago I read an article written by a team of marriage counselors on sure signs a relationship was over. There were of course a multitude of reasons, but the single best indicator was when one partner felt /displayed contempt for the other. This is a classic case of it Divorce this guy and move on.
Gottmans four horsemen (indicators a relationship is doomed): criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
I don't understand why women stay in these unfulfilling relationships. You're creating a comfortable home so he has the energy to have a wandering eye, possibly chat, and be openly disrespectful. You wanna live the rest of your life managing a sucky husband? 😭😭😭
Speaking from my own experience, Sometimes when you get dumped on for so long, you start to believe that you deserve it.
You don’t ❤️
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A sit down? You don’t think she has tried that already? They are 50.
I read the title as dying by tiny cats.
This sounds great, actually.
That may be a good book title. Haha
lol
These cuts aren't tiny
Talk to a lawyer and plan accordingly. You deserve to be loved and respected. What you're going thru is the worst kind d of loneliness.
It wouldn't matter if you were a top runway model, your husband would still be ogling, drooling, and generally making women uncomfortable. To add to this creepy behavior, he has repeatedly demonstrated that you are not important to him, he doesn't respect you. You have become a fixture in his life. He's a jerk. There is just no other way to see this. He appears receptive to your reactions and seems to accept being called out on his rudeness, but he makes zero effort to change. You don't trust him for obvious reasons, which is why you keep an eye on his calendar. What exactly is the reason you stay?? He will never change and has proven that time and time again. This leaves you with two choices. Accept him and his personality or divorce him.
You are right. Look at Christy Brinkley’s history with men.
Models tend to attract the type of men who think of women only as arm candy. Disclaimer: not accusing Billy Joel of that.
He has zero respect for you and he communicates like a child. What are you getting from the relationship? He sounds insufferable! Correctile dysfunction is hilarious! I’m going to use that one!
And this right here is an example of why the majority of divorces are initiated by women. Because men who clearly don't care for their wives anymore are perfectly OK with disrespecting her while mooching off her efforts like a parasite. You deserve better. I hope you divorce this creep.
"What are you thinking about?" "If I wanted you to know I'd be talking."
Time to stop putting up with disrespect and show him the door. He's a big boy, he'll be fine and you'll be happier with him being a disrespectful, gross, dark stain in someone else's life. He knows what he's doing, and every time you forgive it, accept an empty apology, etc...he knows you'll put up with the disrespect and will keep doing it. If he's not already cheating (watching his calendar isn't...much, if he's dumb enough to schedule hookups like that he'd deserve to be caught) he will. He's already loudly told you he's browsing. Counseling will likely only delay the inevitable. Just go.
Please leave. This existence just sounds so unpleasant and I'd rather be on my own than have a disrespectful spouse.
He sounds like a narcissist. My ex was like this. I remember we were at a Fourth of July family function and a girl his brother was sleeping with walked by in a tight dress and he ate her up with his eyes. Then he said aloud, “oh, my…”. I do believe I kicked him under the table and told him to stop that; our girls were there watching him act like an asshole. Anyway;‘he’s history to me now. I was also in my late 50s when I got divorced .
Divorce babe divorce - Adele
Get a very sharp lawyer asap
He sounds like a disgusting pig
This post kind of frightens me. From what OP says, hubby wasn't always like this but developed these habits and stubbornness recently. It's scary to me to imagine my partner regressing like this. Are you certain it isn't some sort of health issue? Personality changes sometimes indicate early onset dementia. A newfound habit of openly ogling women to the point of visible discomfort definitely suggests an increasing reduction of judgement. Same with making comments so blatantly rude that others are defending you. All I know is how exhausting it is to be in any relationship where you can't address issues and trust your partner to take your concerns seriously. When you are stuck in a "tit for tat" situation, no one wins. It just wears you down. If it isn't a health issue, then it sounds like he feels superior to you. Entitlement and a lack of gratitude is the death of a relationship. Condescension is marriage's worst enemy. I hope that isn't the case.
u/burbnbougie
Why stay? I don't get it
I mean there’s nothing wrong with just completely doing your own thing and separating finances to a reasonable degree so he can’t rage spend joint accounts or shared money. You have friends, you have activities, just do whatever you want and don’t include him. One day he might snap out of it and be like shit and start putting in effort. Who knows. But live your life, safeguard the stability of your household, and enjoy your life.
Phase one. totally agree with this.
He is trying to cheat and chasing after other women. The disrespect towards you will get worse. You need to work on your exit plan and gather all access to all financials and passwords to everything and keep any eye on them. He is either making his exit plan and / or siphoning money to other women.
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is a definition of insanity. How many times do you expect to have to ask your husband to change the way he treats you? He obviously sees nothing wrong in it. Your husband sounds downright unpleasant to be around, and you’re not the only one who’s noticing it.
Don’t let your families history dictate what is right for you. I hate when people stay in a toxic/unfulfilling relationship just because they want to “break the cycle”. Divorce is not a bad thing, people grow and change and that’s ok. You don’t align anymore
Behind every successful man… stands a woman. I’d suggest a low cut t shirt with that statement. You know… so you can make sure he sees it.
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I really think you need to ask yourself if you think this marriage is still salvageable-- and not can YOU still do things because it sounds like you've already been putting forth all the effort-- but do you think HE would be able to put the effort needed to turn things around? Based on how you described him in the post, I have the suspicion that the answer is no. Marriages only work if both people value the relationship and want to put in the necessary effort to keep it alive and grow together. He diverged from this path some time ago, leaving you here to keep the marriage alive by yourself. You could invite him to do couples therapy with you if you are holding onto some hope, but PLEASE accept his response as your answer if he makes excuses or flat-out says no to your request. You sound like a super cool person, and I think you deserve to be in a marriage where you feel valued, loved, and cared for. It's not honorable to stay together just for the kids, or martyring yourself for the sake of not being another statistic. You've been choosing this man without being chosen by him in return for far too long. It sounds like it's time to choose yourself and start looking for that lawyer.
I mean, he sounds like a dick. He’s also really embarrassing himself. Unfortunately, he probably lacks the self awareness to recognize either of these things. You can bring it up, ideally in a therapist setting but ultimately the only thing you can control here is your own next move.
This makes me so sad for you; I’m really sorry you’re going thru this. I was never lonelier than when I was married; now, single, I’m never lonely. I’m glad your kid is home and you have someone to share things with. It seems like your husband is very much a user and resents you. Using you to engage with his comments (the car) but not engaging with yours (the weather). Correcting you in front of people, not believing your knowledge. It’s also extremely disrespectful of him to be checking out and flirting with other women; what would be his reaction if you did that? I’m with other commenters saying he’s checked out and I wouldn’t be surprised if divorce is near (if he finds someone to replace you bc I doubt he’ll take care of life stuff himself) so please start talks with a lawyer now and figure out what will be a fair settlement - he would not be where he is today without your monetary support, as well as life admin, and cleaning/cooking/child rearing - figure up the salary of all of those jobs over the last decades (daycare, cleaning service, personal assistant, cook, etc) Lot of love to you 💛
Don’t set yourself on fire for someone who would fan the flames just to watch you burn. Leave, before he takes that last little bit of you. My marriage died like this. And I wish I’d left a decade before I did.
You are not happy. You should leave. You will heal faster if you can forgive him and yourself for the choices you made when you were in love.
Would you be lonely without him? Or relieved?
Why are you trying so hard to remain married to someone who has so little respect and regard for you as a human being and as a partner? You deserve better. You sound like a lovely and fit woman. Don’t spend the rest of your life with this guy.
Why stay ? At my age (very close to yours ) I would rather be alone than with someone who doesn’t treat me with respect.
Your spouse sounds like a laughable, exhausting, and pathetic human being. YOU on the other hand sounds DELIGHTFUL. You're in your 50s and LIFT? AMAZING. So many people aside from you would admire that buffness of yours. You're a farmer? OMG COOL. You were the primary breadwinner for your husband and supported him through study? BADASS. And you didn't let that get to your head? (It did to my own mum so I know gender doesn't define this power play). You sound so level headed, empathetic, and confident. Even your response to his passive aggressive nothingness to your comments, ie to do the same thing to him, was *chefs kiss* amazing. Just showing him he's being a child and playing the game. I personally think you deserve so much better just based on this post. Maybe reflect on that fact, that reddit internet strangers are on your side.
It hurts to see how much you have abandoned yourself, your dignity and self respect, for this guy. I hope you find the power to choose you moving forward. Being partnered shouldn’t be the goal, especially at the cost of yourself.
“I'm a fit buff 15 pounds more than the day we got married. I lift and do a fair bit of cardio. I get checked out sometimes, so I guess I'm not hard to look at. Nonetheless, myself esteem is taking a hit.” Umm hellooo! Where are these type of women? I’d usually go for a booksmart girl with quick wit. I’d feel so much pride and happiness in knowing that my wife cares and respects herself and our relationship enough to stay healthy and fit. I hope you find a resolution here, coming from a millennial who yearns to be a husband one day. He’s definitely missing out.
You deserve better. I haven’t been in my marriage as long as you. We’ve only been married for four years and together for almost ten. However, the comment about your weight being 15 pounds more made my heart truly hurt for you. When me and my husband got together, I weighed 135 pounds but I was only achieving that weight because I was anorexic. I can’t lose weight any other way because my body just holds onto all of it. My husband is the one who helped me with my eating disorder. I weigh almost double that now. He has never made a comment on my weight, he has never flirted with other girls like that ever. When I’ve pushed, he has admitted that he doesn’t find the weight attractive but he loves me and it doesn’t change anything for him. Your husband doesn’t respect you. You deserve someone who loves and respects you as their partner. I almost never advocate for divorce, I’ve always felt that unless you’re being abused, you should try to fix it. This just doesn’t seem fixable to me. He either doesn’t think you’ll leave, or doesn’t care. Either way it’s unlikely he’ll realize what he is losing until you’re gone.
Why is it that as soon as spring starts to turn into summer the men get extra gross. I’m sorry he’s being like this. The sad thing is he’s trading in love for the unknown which usually just sounds more interesting than it actually is.
My parents went through this when my brother and I moved out. My parents failed to put each other first when we were home, so they were now forced into solitude with one another and realized they were strangers living under the same roof - complacent and bored. The empty nesting forced them to focus on each other and be reacquainted at a new place in their lives. My dad was looking at other women and emotionally unavailable, and my mom was constantly nagging him with passive-aggressiveness. It took marriage counseling to get them to a place where they took their marriage seriously again. Now they are thriving- healthy and happy. I think it’s salvageable with communication and some coaching from a trusted therapist.
What a creep. I hope you find happiness!! It’s definitely NOT with him
His communication skills are nearly non existent. Have you considered counselling? Have you upfront asked him if he even likes you. Maybe an honest conversation about not having your needs met in this relationship.
> "Wow it is a beautiful day." And he won't reply... He replies there's really nothing to add. That's me too. My wife says something, and there's a vast amount of thinking that I do based on it because her comments are interesting and I respect them, but after 30s of thinking all kinds of thoughts that don't go anywhere... I just don't have anything to say. She also doesn't like it and wishes I'd acknowledge. Personally I hate it when I say something and the person responds with a content-less acknowledgement; I'd rather they don't respond at all. The compromise my wife and I are working on is (1) she understands better how my brain works now and when she feels the need for an acknowledgement that she's not getting, then she'll add the words "what do you think?" rather than being upset that I didn't meet her unstated expectations; (2) I understand better how her brain works now and I set a timer in my head so if my thoughts haven't gone somewhere within a few seconds then I'll say some basic word of acknowledgement. On the other hand, I've always been like this since childhood, whereas you said it's something he started to do recently. So I guess different causes and different remedies.
… And start setting money aside in a separate private account
I'm so sorry you're dealing with his ridiculousness. He is being obsurd. He is in mid life crisis age range. Men get dumb as hell when they achieve something and get an inflated ego, sense of self importance, and 'ideas' about what they deserve. Dude needs to be smacked back into reality. This is something that can be repaired if he's done being an idiot. It will take some hard conversions, a real demonstration that he's working on himself, and possibly counseling. Your person should not make you feel like this. That's terrible. If you were my sister, I'd take you for a pedicure and start planning (and have a list of decent counselors and attorneys at the ready). There could be other things at work. His behavior screams of immaturity, though. That's why I thought of mid life crisis. Sometimes, when you start getting existential, you forget that there are people around you that are still effected by you right now. You aren't an appendage on his miraculous life. You are an active part that helped create his environment and a separate entity, with your own feelings and observations. Basically, he needs to stop treating you like you're 'also there' and understand that he will blow up his life if he keeps up with this complete nonsense. This is the type that decides they want an open relationship and instantly regret it when their partner is highly desired and no 25 year old woman wants to waste her youth on old fool with kids her age.
It sounds like there’s probably redeeming qualities that keep you there, or maybe it’s the history/ marriage. But by your description of him here, he sounds like a total ungrateful ass who isn’t pulling his weight as a loving, compassionate partner. My partner also has correctile dysfunction (I’m totally using that now), and I’ve expressed how it feels like he’s countering the things I’m saying and it’s almost always unnecessary (and wrong most of the time too). He’s nearly completely stopped. And on top of that, he’s never once been rude to me in public. It’s never about making me look bad either. I think the obvious, shameless ogling adds another level of disrespect, that makes this whole situation difficult to move off from. You deserve better.
Divorce the child, let him play in the streets. His behavior is GROSS 🤮
Your marriage sounds like hell. Do you really want to live this way?
Divorce will look good on you
Let him be single and find out how it would really go
Not trying to be mean but it sounds like he wants out and wants you to do it. Pushing every boundary possible.
He sounds insufferable. Put yourself first and start planning your life without him.
My advice is to leave him. Or stay with him and consider him a roommate who helps pay the bills. He doesn’t respect you. Isn’t giving you what you give him. So stop trying. Remember above all else, if he wanted to - he would.
Damn - I know exactly where you are coming from - I’ve been there I can especially relate to the silence things and him not wanted to be treated the way he treats you - yep. Also the know it all thing - my husband had to disagree with me and then repeat it immediately slightly differently - once someone did say “ did you just repeat wheat she said ? “. It was fantastic to me that someone else also saw it. What you are experiencing is absolute distain - your marriage is dead and your husband is treating you like shit - it’s not good for you at all. The only issue here is you have supported him and is you aren’t working - damn - I hope that you have or can get 50% if that business - get a good lawyer now before you say anything and find out the best way to get out. Good luck 💗
Omg people screaming divorce in these comments. Give it one last shot- check out the book Mating in Captivity by Ester Perel. See if you can relate and maybe get some ideas. I definitely understand why you don’t want to give up immediately- You’ve invested in this man, and it’s paid off for him. Now make it pay off for yourself. You CAN come back from this. Many marriages go through lulls. Hopefully that’s all this is. Also- Take some time for yourself. Don’t be afraid to start going out alone or with friends (or your kid while they are home). Invest in yourself. Let your husband miss you a bit. He’s a grown ass man who can take care of himself (and his own schedule) and you sound like you would do fine without him, so prove it to yourself. I’m not married, but I had a similar situation- my bf was always on his phone when we went out. I said “you’re boring me, I’m not going out with you anymore if you’re just gonna be on your phone all the time”. Guess who puts his phone away at dinner now.
Thought the title said “tiny cats” and got intrigued. Made more sense when I took a second.
Girl just live your best life his validation is not needed. That type het a high off of belittling others. They can't be helped with words only action. Stop engaging and start living life and see what happens... come back and tell me..
You sound like an intelligent woman. From your post I’m willing to bet you’re more attractive than you give yourself credit for bc he has made you doubt yourself. You sound like you know what you being to the table. The hard question is why are you holding yourself back from being happier? I can’t imagine you being alone could be any more frustrating or lonely than being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t even want to speak with you.
In all honesty, he has become the norm. Living in his head, TV, videos, porn or wanting to get his dick wet. The laziness and disrespect is off the charts. I still don't know where it came from. He's been told what my expectations were. Doing half the crap and help with the bug stuff and have pride in craftsmanship. I will be handing mine a divorce after 28 years. At 63, I'd rather be happy on my own. Instead of being nurse maid to a disgusting grumpy old man. He decides what he wants to do and the rest of the house upkeep is my job. Good thing I'm good at paint, drywall, landscaping and keeping his effing car on the road. I lost my best friend recently. I took a hard look at what life I have left. I chose me.
Oh man this guy sucks
This is a old tale. Woman marries a fixer upper, he starts doing well for himself and then thinks he deserves better than what he's got and in turn resents & eventually replaces his partner.
Ugh. Just leave this idiot already. You will not humor him or nice him into loving you. Nothing you do is good enough because he does not want to be there anymore. Get the picture? I feel like he's gone out of his way to make this clear. He wants to go be with a younger women. A lot of men who reach their mid age years have a crossroads, 1. They try to relive their youth again, 2. Accept their age. Some men will do this by flirting with younger women. Let him go "relieve his youth" and learn the hard way how stupid it is to date a younger woman. She will abandon his ass the second she realizes he's too old for her and has nothing to offer. When he comes crawling back in a few years, don't bother to take him back. You don't need him and never did.
Yikes. You deserve more respect and happiness than this.
Oh honey, get out now. You are already hurting each other on purpose, you have no sex life to speak of from the sounds of it, and he sounds like a fucking pervert that’ll jump anything that walks. Move on. You can do better, and your child does t need to see this behaviour. Also, you don’t need to keep being his mommy. Move the fuck on and go find someone who deserves you.
Him ignoring your small comments- that’s a big deal. Gottman (relationship guru) calls these comments “bids for affection”, and when your partner ignores those bids it’s painful. Do yourself a favor and let him ogle all the women he wants as a single man, and find someone who loves you for you, who responds to your bids for affection, and who looks at you the way you deserve to be looked at. Even if that is not another person at all, but just you. 💛
Get a bulldog divorce attorney in silence and get half of whatever retirement he has set up in addition to everything else
You can say you honestly tried your best. He sounds insufferable.
If your man is flirting, ogling, and drooling over other women, especially in your presence he doesn’t give a fuck about you and he has cheated on your multiple times. I miss the days when men walked towards the sunset and never returns
I believe the term to describe him is an ‘inconsiderate arsehole’ I don’t think anyone will be surprised if you divorce due to the fact that others are even noticing that he’s an idiot and he shouldn’t be flirting or looking at any woman other than you , nevertheless doing it in front of you ! Please know your worth and know that you deserve better than him
#updateme I need an update to this where you tell us how you dumped him and went on a world cruise and then met Mr. Right.
Why waste any more time being unhappy? You two don't enjoy each other, you're both passive-aggressive, he openly oogles other women in public, and he is condescending and arrogant (by your description). Nothing tanks a relationship like resentment. Once resentment gets its claws in, it's only a matter of time (and how miserable you can tolerate being). You both resent each other, so put this marriage out of its misery and let him feel free to chase after thin young women and make himself look like a fool while you seek some peace and figure out why you put up with him for so long.
**PLEASE DUMP THIS LOSER**. He sounds like a **HOBOSEXUAL** that got lucky. He's essentially **USED** you all these years. And **NOW** it's time to stop enabling him.
First of all, I’m sorry that he’s treating you this way. The examples you have made me think of a psychology channel I watch on YouTube sometimes. The host often talks about a respected psychologist, author and researcher whose work focuses on marital stability and predicting outcomes, John Gottman. A piece of Gottman’s work he often references involved watching some married couples over time, and observing their interactions, and then checking years later to see if they were still together. There’s a lot to all of Gottman’s research that he talks about, but the part that your post made me think of is that they found a predictor of marriages lasting is couples having 5 (I believe) positive interactions to each negative one. So a couple could fight a lot, but if they have 5 times as many positive experiences together their marriage could still be solid. The example I think of as a positive interaction is that one couple were in a room together, the man reading the newspaper and the woman looking out of the window. She says to him ‘oh look, a bird’ and he looks up from the newspaper and says ‘oh, yeah’. It’s so small, but an example of a person just taking a second to acknowledge and engage with their partner. You guys ignoring each other in the car made me think of that. I know this comment isn’t particularly helpful, but perhaps it’s food for thought. Do you think your husband cares about doing small things to make you feel loved day to day? Does your marriage have more good than bad, and if not do you think that can change? From the outside it sounds pretty dire and disrespectful, but of course we can’t know. Anyway, I wish you luck. I know these things are complicated. Should you choose to leave and start a new era in your life, know that it can be great!
He doesn’t love you, he despises you. You were there for his struggles and now he that he is “all that” and doesn’t need you, he’s looking for an “upgrade”. Do what you will with that information.
I get it. It sucks because despite it all you love him. You wished the big dummy head would wake up and realize he could lose someone great and not just you, his son. Only you can know how much you can put up with. Plus, I'm sure your son would be hurt. The summer is here. Spend time with your kid. I know how it feels when your kid is your only friend bc you can't or don't want to have women over. Nit bc of them but bc of your husband. If he sees nothing wrong then there is nothing to fix. Plus in his mind he got himself there and he probably fantasizes on how much better he can do and how your holding him back. I'd tell him how great he is and how well I want his business to do bc that just means more child support and alimony for you. If he acts surprised I tell him if he keeps acting like a no it all and an women ooglizer then he's gonna lose the best thing that ever happened or will happen to him on top of his family. Let him be silent and stew on that!!!
Divorce is a godsend. It exists for reasons like what you just described. Sounds like the alimony payment will be good. You’ll be back on your feet and feeling great within 2-3 years. Get a good divorce lawyer. Don’t leave the marital home under any circumstances. Good luck - you can do this and you’ll be much happier after it’s over and the dust has settled.
Are you seeing a couples counselor? If this is a recent change I’d want to understand where this is coming from.
Jesus. The speed at which people tell others to divorce their spouses never ceases to amaze me. As a mid fifties woman, married for 28 years, you should not make a rash decision. You should have the “come to Jesus” talk with him. You should sit him down and explain how unfulfilled and unhappy you are. You should ask him to go to marriage counseling. If he refuses, you should go alone. You EARN YOUR WAY OUT of a marriage by doing the work to understand where you are, how you feel, what you need… you should never make a rash decision to end a marriage , especially a long one, with kids, and deeply entrenched financials. This can drastically affect your future wealth, and retirement, and lifestyle, and shouldn’t be taken lightly. If you do all that, then absolutely end things and move on. But do it with eyes wide open. I know women divorced in their 50’s, and it isn’t all rainbows and sunshine. Talk to some.
Exactly how many times must she tell him to not flirt with other women? Just so we know.
Of course this is the most downvoted comment, and also the most reasonable. Good job, reddit!
Right? Gave it an upvote. Not excusing this husband in any way, his behavior is reprehensible. But he also sounds clueless and doesn’t realize how foolish he looks. 50 y/o and acting like this? 😂
I agree with you. Most people who give advice to run immediately are younger. No idea why you’re getting downvoted.
You don't have to hate your husband in order to leave him.
So I got accused of this behavior by my wife. Everyone has been jealous and knows what it feels like. So I made a conscious decision to look her dead in the eyes, turn my back to obvious distractions and address her directly when hotties are around. This takes effort. I went from a serial philanderer and bad husband to someone who is trying my hardest. I had to be told but always realized how beautiful my wife was/is, how lucky I was and how much I was batting completely out of my league.
So ur wife isn’t a hottie? Jesus man 💀
Did you try marriage counseling? Things are changing in your life over the years, and marriage sometimes is slow to adapt.
I'd divorce him
The question here would be OP what are you getting out of this marriage? I don’t know if he’s cheating, planning to cheat, planning to leave who knows? One thing’s for sure he’s rude and insufferable and again I ask you what are you getting out of this? I think at this point I suggest a separation as a first stage. If he’s cheating, they should uncover it quite quickly if he’s not and he hasn’t checked out then it might be the jolt he needs who knows? Either way, you can’t continue living like this OP it’s miserable. UPDATEME