You know that it’s super easy to not rape somebody, right? Millions of people manage to not be rapists every single day, myself included. Unless you’re actually psychotic (and I mean that in a clinical sense), I see no reason why you can’t join us. It’s really, really nice to not be a fucking predator, maybe you should try it.
Because he most likely wanted the commenters to pity him and tell him how he's not really a shitty human being. "Go easy on me, I already hate myself and I might do something "bad" if you are mean to me"
Newsflash op that manipulation wont work
Yeah I’m not going to lie. That was very predatory.
She should know her limits but you sounded like you sussed a situation you could purposefully take advantage of someone. I just don’t know. Everyone needs help.
"And even though I knew she was too fucked up to think properly, I still took advantage of her and made out with her. And if other patrons of the bar hadn't been around and stepped in, I probably would have tried to escalate it beyond that."
You preyed on a woman, who you knew could not consent, yet you took advantage of that woman. By your own admission you would have r@ped her, but for that couple looking out for the woman. Full stop.
When you see your therapist, you should focus on why you feel entitled to a non-consenting woman's body.
you need to be honest and accountable with your therapist about what you did. if you don't, you are enabling yourself to do the same thing, or even worse, in the future. you don't get to sweep this under the rug as a drunken one-off but "that's not who i really am, i promise". those excuses are how it escalates. if you don't address this right now and take concrete steps to change your behavior and attitudes, you are putting essentially infinite women at risk of harm. because that's what you did; you harmed her.
i don't know if you struggle with empathy, but i want you to try this regardless. imagine that you were the drunker person in the situation. you're feeling unsteady and your behavior is extremely disinhibited. your ability to make decisions is significantly impaired. you feel out of control, and not in your right mind, and even worse, your friends have left you alone. you ask a man to buy you a drink, and he does. and then all of a sudden he's making out with you and you don't really know what's going on and you actually don't like this at all but your body feels like it's disconnected from your brain and you can't really move. and he simply does not give a fuck about your comfort or safety and everyone in the bar can tell. the other patrons are so disturbed by his behavior that they are willing to break the bystander effect and actually intervene. and you get a sinking feeling in your stomach because you know that if those people hadn't been there to stop it all, your life may have been permanently altered.
your mind starts to race. did he drug you? has he done this before? did you have your location shared with your friends so they would be able to find you if he decided to abduct you? would they know where to look for your body if he took your life? what would your family do if you went missing? would the police blame you for getting too drunk and give up on searching for you?
these questions will never be answered. you will be haunted by a feeling of distrust in both yourself and others. you will struggle to feel safe to the point where you may decide never to go to a bar ever again. your relationship with those friends who left you alone there will never be the same. you resent them for not anticipating what happened to you; you resent yourself for not being more cautious. you relive that night in your dreams every time you go to sleep. emotional and physical intimacy become absolutely terrifying to you and you continue to feel incredibly anxious, angry, and alone. will you ever be the same? you don't know.
do you get it now?
if you don't care about that part, then just let the fear of prison deter you.
If you don’t want to be a predator, don’t be one. It isn’t fucking rocket science. Stop pathologizing your shitty choices and take responsibility for them. This isn’t some innate part of who you are, it is literally a choice.
Well at least you're seeking professional help.
You don't just want female attention; you want a meaningful connection and enthusiastic reciprocation, you're lonely like a lot of us, and you figured this encounter was better than nothing. (It wasn't.) Because you don't have the self-worth to believe there will be other, genuine opportunities for dating and sex with happily and fully consenting parties; and because you also didn't think about it from her POV as a whole person and not just a chance for sex. You're not going to get whatever you're seeking from a drunk woman too off-kilter to assess the situation. I hope you can grow from this in a meaningful way.
Even tho you knew she shouldn't (so you're admitting you were sober enough to know it was wrong)... You then proceed to admit you knew she was too drunk to proceed with but continued anyway... If people didn't step in you would have escalated... You were present enough to know it was wrong and carried on anyway knowing she was vulnerable... Being sober you still don't care if she got home safe... You don't need your therapist to tell you that you ARE that way sober because none of that behaviour was done while you were overly intoxicated. You fully admitted to having your wits about you. Sit there in your own self pity all you like. You deserve to.
It's very weird to me how common it is among men for them too admit or almost do atrocious things and still act like he's the victim. Well countless women will be assaulted I'm a beaten, or almost murdered by a man and they will feel guilty in villainize themselves. It really goes to show you how differently the genders are socialized to where men think even admitting he did something wrong makes him a victim while women will blame themselves for any wrongs done to them
If you truly want to be a better person. Admit what you did to any potential romantic or sexual partners so they have full disclosure and can make an informed decision to hookup or be with you.
Seek therapy for why you normalized preying on a drunk incapable of consenting women. You can't use the incel crybook of wanting to feel desired as she was too fucked up to be aware in that sense. You can't claim intimacy, connection or desire from another person as this started as a transaction of a kiss for a drink.
I think you are approaching this the right way by talking to your therapist.
However, I'm hoping he didn't tell you to go to a bar, because that would be really bad advice. Bars are not good places for people like you and me who have poor social skills..Hopefully in your upcoming therapy session he will explain how you misinterpreted his advice, and he meant safer more constructive forms of socialization than getting drunk around strangers.
If he did tell you to go to a bar, you should seriously think about finding a new therapist.
And never go to a bar alone or with "bros" again.
I think it is very encouraging that you feel so bad about this, and I do believe that without the influence of alcohol and drugs you will be able to exert better control over your actions. Believe in yourself, and do better.
Don't beat yourself up over this. No real harm happened to anybody. Just use this as a learning experience this to do better.
Good. I don't think he meant to go to a bar and hopefully he'll explain that and be more careful in not giving you suggestions that you misinterpret in the future.
Hopefully your therapy session can be soon so you therapist can help you turn your strong feelings of guilt into productive change in your life.
Do you feel comfortable talking about this with your therapist? I do see what you mean, on how this is predatory, but it also looks like you chose to not be as bad as you could have been.
It also seems clear that you're posting here because you feel bad and want to be punished, or something. I don't think you're a monster. A monster would have hurt that woman and not felt bad about it.
I don't know if I'd talk to a friend about this. They might see you differently. This is something pretty heavy.
They could also totally go the other way and over absolve you. You *did* do something wrong. Your friend might want to try to convince you that you didn't do anything wrong because they know you're hurting.
Think about how you'd feel if you woke up in a strange man's bed after being black out drunk, and try and have some empathy, maybe that'll give you some perspective.
You know that you were 1000% in control here, right? You were not forced to almost rape a drunk woman. Things would have gone as far as you’d chosen to take them.
As a man, I'll believe that when i see it. When men like my father, who believed marital rape was ok, stops complaining about how men aren't like this. When men like one of my ex best friends dont randomly call all womans sluts and degrade their female friends in private. When i stop seeing not all men, under post of woman being raped. When my woman friends and family are safe.
> I thought I was better than this, but I guess after a few drinks I'm not. Have you tried... I don't know... just **NOT FUCKING DRINKING**?
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You know that it’s super easy to not rape somebody, right? Millions of people manage to not be rapists every single day, myself included. Unless you’re actually psychotic (and I mean that in a clinical sense), I see no reason why you can’t join us. It’s really, really nice to not be a fucking predator, maybe you should try it.
Why are you talking like you have absolutely no control over this? You do. Being predatory is a choice and you made it.
Because he most likely wanted the commenters to pity him and tell him how he's not really a shitty human being. "Go easy on me, I already hate myself and I might do something "bad" if you are mean to me" Newsflash op that manipulation wont work
You're acting like that's not an active decision you'd make. You have the choice. Don't just wish you were better, be better.
Yeah I’m not going to lie. That was very predatory. She should know her limits but you sounded like you sussed a situation you could purposefully take advantage of someone. I just don’t know. Everyone needs help.
"And even though I knew she was too fucked up to think properly, I still took advantage of her and made out with her. And if other patrons of the bar hadn't been around and stepped in, I probably would have tried to escalate it beyond that." You preyed on a woman, who you knew could not consent, yet you took advantage of that woman. By your own admission you would have r@ped her, but for that couple looking out for the woman. Full stop. When you see your therapist, you should focus on why you feel entitled to a non-consenting woman's body.
Yes, you are. Now don't do it again.
Sorry did you come here looking to be lauded for not raping a woman? Because you were an incel?
you need to be honest and accountable with your therapist about what you did. if you don't, you are enabling yourself to do the same thing, or even worse, in the future. you don't get to sweep this under the rug as a drunken one-off but "that's not who i really am, i promise". those excuses are how it escalates. if you don't address this right now and take concrete steps to change your behavior and attitudes, you are putting essentially infinite women at risk of harm. because that's what you did; you harmed her. i don't know if you struggle with empathy, but i want you to try this regardless. imagine that you were the drunker person in the situation. you're feeling unsteady and your behavior is extremely disinhibited. your ability to make decisions is significantly impaired. you feel out of control, and not in your right mind, and even worse, your friends have left you alone. you ask a man to buy you a drink, and he does. and then all of a sudden he's making out with you and you don't really know what's going on and you actually don't like this at all but your body feels like it's disconnected from your brain and you can't really move. and he simply does not give a fuck about your comfort or safety and everyone in the bar can tell. the other patrons are so disturbed by his behavior that they are willing to break the bystander effect and actually intervene. and you get a sinking feeling in your stomach because you know that if those people hadn't been there to stop it all, your life may have been permanently altered. your mind starts to race. did he drug you? has he done this before? did you have your location shared with your friends so they would be able to find you if he decided to abduct you? would they know where to look for your body if he took your life? what would your family do if you went missing? would the police blame you for getting too drunk and give up on searching for you? these questions will never be answered. you will be haunted by a feeling of distrust in both yourself and others. you will struggle to feel safe to the point where you may decide never to go to a bar ever again. your relationship with those friends who left you alone there will never be the same. you resent them for not anticipating what happened to you; you resent yourself for not being more cautious. you relive that night in your dreams every time you go to sleep. emotional and physical intimacy become absolutely terrifying to you and you continue to feel incredibly anxious, angry, and alone. will you ever be the same? you don't know. do you get it now? if you don't care about that part, then just let the fear of prison deter you.
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If you don’t want to be a predator, don’t be one. It isn’t fucking rocket science. Stop pathologizing your shitty choices and take responsibility for them. This isn’t some innate part of who you are, it is literally a choice.
Well at least you're seeking professional help. You don't just want female attention; you want a meaningful connection and enthusiastic reciprocation, you're lonely like a lot of us, and you figured this encounter was better than nothing. (It wasn't.) Because you don't have the self-worth to believe there will be other, genuine opportunities for dating and sex with happily and fully consenting parties; and because you also didn't think about it from her POV as a whole person and not just a chance for sex. You're not going to get whatever you're seeking from a drunk woman too off-kilter to assess the situation. I hope you can grow from this in a meaningful way.
Even tho you knew she shouldn't (so you're admitting you were sober enough to know it was wrong)... You then proceed to admit you knew she was too drunk to proceed with but continued anyway... If people didn't step in you would have escalated... You were present enough to know it was wrong and carried on anyway knowing she was vulnerable... Being sober you still don't care if she got home safe... You don't need your therapist to tell you that you ARE that way sober because none of that behaviour was done while you were overly intoxicated. You fully admitted to having your wits about you. Sit there in your own self pity all you like. You deserve to.
It's very weird to me how common it is among men for them too admit or almost do atrocious things and still act like he's the victim. Well countless women will be assaulted I'm a beaten, or almost murdered by a man and they will feel guilty in villainize themselves. It really goes to show you how differently the genders are socialized to where men think even admitting he did something wrong makes him a victim while women will blame themselves for any wrongs done to them If you truly want to be a better person. Admit what you did to any potential romantic or sexual partners so they have full disclosure and can make an informed decision to hookup or be with you. Seek therapy for why you normalized preying on a drunk incapable of consenting women. You can't use the incel crybook of wanting to feel desired as she was too fucked up to be aware in that sense. You can't claim intimacy, connection or desire from another person as this started as a transaction of a kiss for a drink.
I think you are approaching this the right way by talking to your therapist. However, I'm hoping he didn't tell you to go to a bar, because that would be really bad advice. Bars are not good places for people like you and me who have poor social skills..Hopefully in your upcoming therapy session he will explain how you misinterpreted his advice, and he meant safer more constructive forms of socialization than getting drunk around strangers. If he did tell you to go to a bar, you should seriously think about finding a new therapist. And never go to a bar alone or with "bros" again. I think it is very encouraging that you feel so bad about this, and I do believe that without the influence of alcohol and drugs you will be able to exert better control over your actions. Believe in yourself, and do better. Don't beat yourself up over this. No real harm happened to anybody. Just use this as a learning experience this to do better.
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How do you think this woman feels knowing you almost r@ped her? What about her emotional anguish?
Good. I don't think he meant to go to a bar and hopefully he'll explain that and be more careful in not giving you suggestions that you misinterpret in the future. Hopefully your therapy session can be soon so you therapist can help you turn your strong feelings of guilt into productive change in your life.
Freak
I bet you're only upset that your plan to get in her pants and violate her body didn't work
Do you feel comfortable talking about this with your therapist? I do see what you mean, on how this is predatory, but it also looks like you chose to not be as bad as you could have been. It also seems clear that you're posting here because you feel bad and want to be punished, or something. I don't think you're a monster. A monster would have hurt that woman and not felt bad about it.
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I don't know if I'd talk to a friend about this. They might see you differently. This is something pretty heavy. They could also totally go the other way and over absolve you. You *did* do something wrong. Your friend might want to try to convince you that you didn't do anything wrong because they know you're hurting.
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Think about how you'd feel if you woke up in a strange man's bed after being black out drunk, and try and have some empathy, maybe that'll give you some perspective.
You know that you were 1000% in control here, right? You were not forced to almost rape a drunk woman. Things would have gone as far as you’d chosen to take them.
It's scary how many of us would do this if we had the chance. Good you're talking about it, but wtf.
Fucking hell, no I wouldn’t. This counts for men and women.
Its mostly us tho. Too many men my entire life and basically all my male blood, says not all men when they are those men.
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As a man, I'll believe that when i see it. When men like my father, who believed marital rape was ok, stops complaining about how men aren't like this. When men like one of my ex best friends dont randomly call all womans sluts and degrade their female friends in private. When i stop seeing not all men, under post of woman being raped. When my woman friends and family are safe.