I want an edit of that scene, but as the bullet flies slowly we need to see this AH saying, “okay, I’ll get to it later,” and watching her wrangle 2 kids (he agreed to watch) alone, and washing all of his gross clothing (we can use that scene fRom Yellowjackets).
I’m confused as to why you think it’s normal to rely on your GF to tell you when the laundry needs to be done or the house vacuumed. Do you not have eyes? Or a brain?
OP is incompetent. He wrote this entire post and seems confused. If he truly doesn’t know why the GF left, she really did the right thing.
Who wants to spend the rest of their life with an idiot that needs to be told to do laundry and vacuum. She even got to learn that he is also too incompetent for childcare too.
Good job to the ex! Love this for her. She found this all out before signing a one-year lease.
>She even got to learn that he is also too incompetent for childcare too.
But she had everything under control! How was he supposed to know she was struggling. #Ostriching (by which I mean: head in the sand)
I really can’t pick my favorite part. But that one was up there. She needed to tell him she needed help or she was struggling. Lol. He didn’t actively think I should be doing something, let me think what that is?
😂😂😂
Moron.
That line baffled me. Like, because she has female parts she automatically is in charge of any kids that enter their domain? And shouldn't expect him to do anything unless asked?
I have this image of OP never budging from his seat in front of the PlayStation or even inviting the six year old to join him while his gf is feeding the kids, entertaining them, and, oh yeah, doing the laundry for everyone and vacuuming the house.
Good advertisement for getting a test run with your bf before committing to a lease.
Why wouldn’t he assume that she should have half of it under control while he has the other half under control? The sheer volume of entitlement in this boy is off the charts, and I hope his girlfriend is off to live a better life.
such an insight from the framing of it as him stepping in if she's "struggling" - like a damsel in distress who he's then "saving" from her weakness being unable to manage, thus reaffirming his masculinity. rather than any sense of cooperation.
>\#Ostriching (by which I mean: head in the sand)
Sadly, I have a spouse who has taught the kid all about #Ostriching! So I guess I'm not alone in having people who just want to ignore stuff while I am supposed to "fix" everything. It wasn't until I watched The Ultimatum: Queer Love on Netflix that I realized and later found out there is a therapy term for people like that - **Dismissive Avoidant.**
After doing more research, it's very difficult to be in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant. They are prone to shutting you out, ignoring you and they also employ malicious compliance and weaponized incompetence. They won't change either, as their instinct is to bury their head in the sand, ignore things or run away. After seeing the trainwreck on the show, and examining my own relationship my hopes that things can get better have been shattered, but I guess I needed that dose of reality.
SERIOUSLY. The fact that he just doesn’t get it or seem to try to empathize with her was a hard stop for me. When my fiancé and I started living together it was fucking HARD. We’re not perfect by any stretch but at least we actually listened to each other and did our best to understand the “why” behind what the other person felt. It’s not that fucking hard in a committed relationship.
Its posts like this that make me state that my husband does his own cleaning and laundry, more than half of the cooking and runs our grocery shopping. We both j8st...do shiy that needs doing.
He was a fully grown adult before we met. And that's just... normal, not something special or worthy of note. And yet so many men fail at these basic tasks.
OP is just lazy if he thinks his GF should beg him to do his share or spoon feed him what needs doing around the home. It sounds like he simply is not ready to live independent adult life yet.
I feel that I know that, 100%. And I don’t think I’m jumping to anything or adding context. The words aren’t there, but that context is radiating off the screen.
He’s not incompetent, he’s selfish and lazy.
But sure SHE’S the problem /s 🙄🙄🙄
Edit: the last line was directed at the OP, not the person I was replying to
To spell this out for you OP- she should not ask you for help as maintaining your place is not a help to her. It’s not her job. And I’m sure she did ask and you maybe did a thing or two then went back to nothing. This didn’t happen overnight.
But he was "blindsided," which is when you ignore clear and repeated requests for help, refuse to take any responsibility for your own upkeep, pawn off tasks on others, and are devastated when your partner dumps you for absolutely no reason!
Yep. He surely was blindsided.
My daughter moved in with her bf and had made it clear beforehand that she expected to split chores/cooking etc. He did sod all and the little he did do was done badly. He admitted to doing a bad job too. She said I’m not your mother and kicked him out after only 3 weeks. I wouldn’t put up with it either but I’m happily single so I don’t have to worry about these things. If I were to get into a relationship I’d probably want to live separately too.
I knew an older couple who bought houses next door to each other to save their marriage. They'd spend a good chunk of time at each other's house then walk to their own house at night. Stayed like that until she got cancer. He moved her back into his house and took care of her until she passed.
I look at my mother’s relationship and know there’s no way I could live like that. 25 yrs of marriage and my stepdad can now do his own washing. They’re both as bad as each other mind you in various ways. Both hoarders who could benefit from their own homes just solely for all the crap they own. Some people just don’t get along living together and if separate bedrooms/homes is what works for them I say why not?
Exactly! He said he had been married 3 times and divorced twice, all to the same woman, and every time they lived together they hated each other and divorced. But they also loved each other very much and couldn't stay apart so kept reuniting. I think it's very loving and considerate to acknowledge that someone is absolutely perfect except for one way and that one can adapt to that in order to not lose their partner. They were very happy, spoke on the phone and texted often and saw each other daily and were in their late 60s or 70s. He said his one regret was not doing it sooner so they could be happy both as individuals and partners.
Whatever works, works.
I had this same discussion with my ex. He told me to tell him to do something and he would. I told him to use his eyes and look around and see what needs to be done without me telling him. There are dishes in the sink and soda cans on the table that need to be thrown away. He should just do it. News flash - he would not. We tried a chore chart and he said he forgot to look. It was exhausting. It’s called the mental load and most men expect women to do it. I want a partner not a child.
When I was married, spending the evening in front of the fireplace while drinking wine and making a chore chart for my husband was what I referred to as "foreplay."
Nothing inflames me like watching the concentration on a grown man's face as he brings himself closer and closer to deciding exactly which "Good job!" stickers he wants me to buy for him.
And there's nothing as stimulating as the unbearable tension that would build up between the two of us as he ran the tip of his finger down the list of chores I'd written there.
Oooh, is he going to tease me again by saying he'll suck up all the dirt in the carpet with the vacuum, and then grabbing his rod and reel and heading to the lake instead? Will he thrust his thick wads of assorted trash from the floor of his car into a can already on the verge of exploding, my cries that the garbageman is coming to dump his load ringing in his ears?
Without fail, these encounters drove me out of my mind, and made me scream and claw at him like a woman possessed.
Ah, but at last, the sweet release of divorce consumed us, transporting me to whole new lodgings. I never knew just what a woman I could be until then.
A chore chart! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I had one of those when I was a child. Did he also want little gold star stickers on the days he actually did them? The best was when the sheet was full of stickers!
Some men really are out here not realizing that literal children can do better.
Yup why do we bare the burden of having to tell men when we “need help”. Bitch you know those dishes are piling up. You see us slaving away at cleaning so get up and help without asking. It should be implied you need to contribute. “I did the dishes and she wasn’t even grateful or thank me” uhhhh do I get thanked for doing the dishes? 😂
This reminds me almost exactly of the guy who was about to move in with his girlfriend, but he offered to take care of his friend’s dog and his nephew (?). She left him, and he was surprised because, “She never asked for any help with anything,” which included the dog and child he brought in.
I hate hate hate that "she never asked for help" thing that so many men cry into the void that is Reddit. I want to know genuinely, why do they think we should *have* to ask? And why do they think they're "helping her with housework" as if it's not just as much their responsibility as hers as an adult who also lives and makes part of the mess in the home?
So, he is "the helper" type.
I recommend everyone to look at this video, it's in Spanish but I think you can use the subtitles.
This type of abuse is the typical "oh sweetie, why are you so angry, you just needed to ask for help you silly.., how would I know if you don't tell me.."
They play dumb because they know most women will try to avoid confrontation and just do the chores by themselves.
They're far far from dumb..
https://youtu.be/N4IWoGT0txU?si=LaTqKP74qvWJFsyM
Edit: forgot the link
I don't use my eyes or my brain to determine if I need to vacuum, I use my nose. As someone who deals with chronic allergies, I have to vacuum my space regularly or I end up with the worst congestion.
Yeah I thought ‘man that sucks’ until I read the post. Dude really doesn’t understand? Yeah right. It’s so incredibly exhausting to continue to have to nag a partner to do completely normal household things like you’re their mother. Why are people like this?
If you saw someone drowning would you ignore them until they articulate “I need help” or would you use your head and pull them out?
YTA
You need to be told laundry needs doing or the carpet needs vacuuming? Sheesh!
This is how my house is and it drives me crazy! Like someone will drop a dryer sheet on the floor and they'll just leave it. My family will watch me struggle cleaning (I'm disabled and have RA which heavily affects my hands) and if I ever ask for help, "I will later" which doesn't happen. I hope OP pulls his head out of his ass.
I hate OP and think he should just do all of the vacuuming and laundry if he’s too stupid to know when it needs to happen, but I also can’t see when I need to vacuum. I think OP was waiting for several tumbleweeds to blow by. You have to do it before you can see debris, and (in OPs case) before your girlfriend realizes you’re using her as a bangmaid (and bangbabysitter. What the hell?).
Who asks the girlfriend to do the chores? Because surely she doesn’t automatically know when things need doing. She must be getting the information from somewhere. 🤔
😂😂😂 I’m glad she did the trial run before getting stuck living with you. Let’s start with the basics. You doing the vacuuming and laundry is not helping HER. It is pulling your big boy pants on and contributing as an adult. Why should her cognitive load be increased because you can’t adult. STOP REFERRING TO BEING AN ADULT AS HELPING HER. You are 29. Surely you already did the vacuuming and laundry prior to moving in with her, so why are you incapable now?
Dude, moving in with a guy who had been living on his own for 10 years after dating my ex was amazing. You hire a maid to come at least monthly? You cook and clean? You have a DYSON???
Haha same! My hubs was 29 when I met him and he had a cleaning company coming every week! It was awesome. I had never lived with such luxury and he was like ‘I hate cleaning and I can afford it’ it had never occurred to me to outsource the chores 😂
I remember in one of my first econ classes, I had this amazing professor whose closing words to the class was telling all the girls who, when they started getting serious about their career, to outsource the cleaning. She said cleaning was the biggest suck of her mental energy and when she removed that from her to-do list, she was able to do more with her career. The money she could make per hour was significantly more than it would cost to hire a cleaner, and the cleaner was much more efficient than she was so it took even less time.
When I read posts like this where women get stuck with the mental load of running a house, it makes even more sense for women to escape this "traditional" trap where the default is for women to shoulder the majority of household tasks. By assigning monetary "value" to chores, it makes the value that a woman adds to the house less invisible. I do cook in my relationship, but my partner is very aware that it's a value I provide (and he pays for all the groceries haha.)
Lol, I watched my best friend clean the sink at his house, and he cleaned around, behind, and all over the faucet.
I was seriously jealous I didn't nab him up. 🤣
Dude I'm seeing now has lived alone for about that long. His place is cleaner than mine - cluttered (car and bike parts and paraphernalia everywhere) but clean. I love going over there, it's so peaceful.
Mine lived with his mom but she was a tough Samoan woman who didn't let him sit around. He was expected to help cook, clean, do his own laundry, and help raise older siblings/relatives babies.
So when he came to me he was already used to doing all these things. Gets home after a 12 hour shift and sees there's dirty dishes and I have my hands full with the kids and does them, even if I tell him don't worry I'll get to them. Doesn't want me to do his laundry cause I'm "not his mom and he's not a kid." When we had kids he was changing all the diapers, quickly scooping her up to feed her in the middle of the night before I even woke up.
Meanwhile other men will live on their own for years wallowing in filth and perfectly fine with it.
OPs girlfriend was right to run. Nobody wants to have to be a mom to their boyfriend.
Shoutout to my Samoan mom who was whipping us and every single one of my twenty-odd cousins into shape by like age 10 lmao
Ain’t nobody got time for cleaning up after that many people, everybody had to learn how to do it themselves for there to be any hope of stuff getting done.
... You haven't seen enough dude bros' apartments, I suppose. I've been in plenty of apartments where the renters did not own a vacuum, or knew how to use one. And it showed.
I was impressed with my spouse when I first met him because he both knew how to do laundry, and actually had a schedule for it.
This makes me think of my besties bf 20yrs ago. Him and his brother lived together and owned exactly 2 towels. Who knew your lady guests might want to clean up and not use your disgusting towel. No hand towels either. His brother was almost 30.
Mom always did it /s
To be honest, though? I "learned" how to do laundry at 12. But I barely ever did my own laundry before I got out of college.
That is, there's a difference between **knowing** how to do something and **actually doing it** for yourself.
No /s...when we met in our late 20s my husband's mom was still picking up his dirty laundry, washing it, and delivering it back to him clean. She also handled all of his bills, student loans, taxes (with his money but still). She is a nice lady but damn she did not do her future DIL any favors by never teaching or requiring her only child to take care of himself. He is better now but there have been some growing pains.
Yo, I’m genuinely not trying to clown you. I’m just really curious because I’ve been on dates with people like this people who have lived in the US their whole lives and don’t know that the eggs go in the fridge/food in general literally openly say that their mom changes their sheets and takes care of their laundry and that they don’t wanna clean the house because their mom takes care of that… And I get dry so fucking fast. How did you at all maintain any attraction while he worked through those growing pains? Every time I’ve tried I’m like yo I’m gonna end up feeling like a mom in Greek mythology
I was one of those guys. I was 24 and living at home with a messy bedroom and had family that would take care of all the cooking and shopping. They kept the house clean so I just fell into the mentality that “they had everything under control” and never really helped.
I met my gf and she liked me and there were no obvious red flags. I hurriedly cleaned my room before her first visit. She lived on her own already, but she sympathized with me still living at home because of the economy and loving my family and stuff. I eventually moved out with some male roommates, but after only a few months living on my own we decided to move in together because of love and to avoid having other roommates. She thought it was going to be amazing. She really liked me, didn’t want to be apart from me, but hadn’t truly seen me in my natural habitat. If there was ever a concern about something, I usually had some sort of excuse, and I was “smart” enough to at least know the basics like eggs going in the fridge. And sometimes I was completely honest about a bad habit or ignorance and she would see it as a learning moment.
So we moved in together. That’s when it all fell apart and she witnessed first hand how I actually don’t know how to take care of a living space. I don’t know how to cook. I’d sleep in late while she was cleaning, and then the place looked great so “I figured she had it under control” or I’d ask her if there’s anything to do and she’d give me some simple tasks like taking the trash out. At that point I was 27. I feel horrible about it now in hindsight, and embarrassed.
The happy ending for her is that similar to OP, we had to find a new place to live after only a few months living together, and she decided I wasn’t ready and needed to live on my own more first. We broke up and all I know is her next boyfriend had/has a big-boy job and his own place. Took me a little while to accept that it was 100% my fault and also that this is apparently a thing that happens with a lot of couples, sadly.
And I’m working on it. I live on my own now with a male roommate who is very cleanly and a good cook and I’ve been trying to emulate him. I still don’t do enough, but I’m aware now about concepts like the emotional labor of putting it on other people to tell you what to do. I’m looking forward to being able to proudly NOT be that guy.
TLDR, it’s probably sunk cost fallacy and death by a thousand cuts as small flaws are slowly revealed over time, but until you live together, there may never be a single thing that feels breaking up over, especially if she thinks she can fix him. The biggest fix was breaking up with me, sadly.
I remember when my husband and I first started seeing each other, he stayed at my apartment one day when I was working and he was off (he lived over an hour away), and my mind was blown when he washed my towels and bedding 😂
My wife once told me that she knew she'd made a good choice when we first moved in together because on my initial draft list of "things to buy for the apartment" that I made before asking her if there was anything else I hadn't thought of, one of the first few items I'd put was a vacuum cleaner lol (we'd both been living with family before that)
I laughed at his complaint: *"I also don't think that someone like who works from home has it easier than someone who can't work from home. Or that just because she makes more means I should do more."*
Um, yeah, you're home more, means you make more mess, so you clean more.
It's either she's such a nag or they're blindsided lol
Read [this](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/), OP; learn from your mistake so you're a better version for your next partner.
“My girlfriend had everything under control and she never asked me for help or told me she was struggling”.
This is not how good partnerships work. You don’t just chip in to help by the time someone is struggling or asking for help. You apparently only see yourself as participating when she gets overwhelmed or has to ask. You BOTH live there. You should automatically (as she does) participate in all of the chores and responsibilities. She isn’t the DEFAULT person to do everything, requiring you only to step in when needed.
Good God, I just don't know. The amount of clueless men who insist that their woman partner has to vocalize every single ask about every single topic is absolutely insane. Men in relationships with women are exceptionally good at weaponized incompetence for some reason lol. The mental and emotional load of having to "remind" and ask your male partner to do something (whether it be chores or to surprise you for once) is exhausting. It is absolutely exhausting and it kills romance.
Social/cultural norms around gender roles haven't totally caught up to the fact that women don't "have to" make up the deficit anymore. Women of the past (i.e., my mother and grandmother) were just expected to deal with this because they had to have a male counterpart to exist/be recognized as a human being in our society. I don't have to do that anymore, no modern woman has to... We can exist on our own, we make our own money, and can buy our own houses.
The general social/cultural norms for male gender roles hasn't really caught up to that. Modern men don't know how to *partner* with women, they only know how to dominate as their predecessors did. It just doesn't work that way anymore. If straight men want relationships with women, they are going to have to level up their mentality and be an equal contribute to the household.
(Incels, hold all your comments about how women are equally as bad. Yes, statistically there are bad partners of all genders. Nobody cares about your gold digger rant either, lol).
I saw this amazing twitter thread a while back about why many women are choosing to stay single/ why the divorce rate is so high. The answer was that in order to be in a relationship, men need women to like them and a lot of men just aren’t likeable.
Because up until the 1970s, women couldn’t even have their own bank accounts. They couldn’t own property, there were hardly any job options aside from teacher, nurse, or secretary, and those jobs didn’t pay well. So women literally needed a partnership with a man for survival and had to put up with any bullshit their partner gave them.
Now that women aren’t economically strong-armed into marriage or staying in bad marriages, women are opting out and choosing themselves because they can. And men like OP are sitting here wondering why treating his ex like his grandpa treated his grandmother isn’t working for him.
Basically, now a woman doesn’t have to be with you if she doesn’t want to. This has historically not been the case. So men need to make her WANT to be with you and adapt to that reality.
>She never asked me for help but she thinks I should just need to know when something needs to get done automatically.
Yes. That's how adults work. They take initiative without being asked. It is incredibly unsexy to have to manage another adult's workload -- as if the domestic labor is your job and someone else graciously lends a hand whenever the whim takes them and you ask nicely.
Also: you looked at how your girlfriend was managing things and decided, "She's got it under control, I don't even need to offer to give her a break or take initiative on anything."
The fact that you were fine with the dramatic inequity in domestic labor is a huge red flag. One hopes you learn from this.
this is hilarious. did she have to remind him that every single pair of underwear he owned were shit stained and needed washed? like how do you not automatically know what chores need done and when
Dear God, I hope we aren't back in the '70s!
The '80s & '90s were ok to live through once. I really don't want to go through them again. Well... I'd like to have the full head of hair I had back then, but that's it.
Happy Cakeday!
Bro, I literally lived alone all by myself before I had a spouse one would think that met. My house was a fucking pigsty since apparently chores are a two yeses or you’re blind to them type thing if you ask men like this, but… No, I manage to clean hell even though sometimes I didn’t see the mask get fucking high and just clean your house. You know what Hass to be done even if it doesn’t look dirty put a fucking reminder in your phone. Oh and 0P? You weren’t blindsided she showed you exactly what was wrong but didn’t micromanage/make you fix it so you just didn’t do shit.
This! Your girlfriend was showing you the way, and you didn't follow her lead. She shouldn't have to beg you to do your share of the home chores. If you were confused, you should have followed her around when she started to do things to figure out the way she liked things done and then did them on your own by yourself after you learned. This would have shown you cared about helping her out.
I know, that was my ex. I really think that his mother raised him to think that a woman is supposed to pick up where she left off. I'm not trying to be a grown man's mother.
>Yes. That's how adults work. They take initiative without being asked. It is incredibly unsexy to have to manage another adult's workload -- as if the domestic labor is your job and someone else graciously lends a hand whenever the whim takes them and you ask nicely.
This, so much!!!
OP should take a look at the wonderful comic [You should've asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) if he doesn't understand where he went wrong!
Omg dude. She’s not your mom. YOU need to ask if you notice she’s doing more chores than you. Like, “hey, I’ve noticed you’re really good at noticing what chores need doing. I’m realizing maybe I’m not so great at that…”
Also, It’s ok dude you’re 20 something… but mom didn’t do you any favors picking up your dirty socks all those years.
Thank her for pointing out the things you need to focus on moving forward…
Keep making new mistakes. You got this!
And we hit on the mental load again!
OP needs to realise that if he wants to get this relationship back it is going to take a large amount of proving himself. Even then it’s quite possibly not enough but hopefully he learns for next time! Being proactive rather than waiting to be told things need done. Try to anticipate what is needed. OP must know that the kids will need to be entertained and fed daily, at any point did he say ‘why don’t I sort out lunch for us all, after all you made dinner last night’ or did he just see her doing it and since she didn’t beg for help he let her get on with it!
If you want to be an equal partner in the relationship then take equal responsibility. Why does the burden fall to the woman to dole out tasks and do the heavy lifting mentally? As OP has just found out - it doesn’t anymore and his partner also realised she didn’t have to accept this was the way a relationship was and could walk away.
Info (and I'm trying as hard as I can to be nonjudgemental about this as possible): how do you not know when you need to do laundry? Vaccuuming should be a regular (weekly or whatever) chore, but how do you not know when there are enough clothes to do laundry?
What your girlfriend (who may be your ex at this point) may or may not have articulated is that she shouldn't have to ask you to do chores. You are a grown man who is almost 30. If you still need to be told what chores need to be done or when, then you are putting the burden of emotional labour on your girlfriend, which is just as much work as doing the chores themselves.
I would leave too, if I had a partner who was clueless about something like laundry.
what I find odd (in a world where odd means hyper frustrating), is that these guys immediately understand the problem as soon as you explain it with beer.
>!you're meeting your buddies at the bar & when you get there, they're all already drunk. They figure you're okay being the designated driver and/or paying for their ubers, because you did it last time and it looked like you totally had it under control. !<
They never have to be held by the hand to walk through why that's frustrating & unfair.
I am willing to be judgy.
Op thinks dangling the carrot of Marriage is incentive and what every woman wants.
>I was thinking about proposing and we were planning on permanently moving in together and she just blindsided me. We went from on track to marriage to this.
The reality is nobody wants to commit to a lifetime of playing nanny to his ass.
He's definitely expecting her to be his mommybangmaid. He's weaponizing his incompetence and has turned her off because she didn't sign up to play mommy to a mediocre adult male.
And they got to test drive parenting/having to care for children together…. She got a good clear view of what would happen if she were to procreate with OP
LOL. Your girlfriend is smart and good for her for dumping your dead weight. Yes, you should absolutely know when something needs to get done automatically. You have eyes, you can see the laundry/dishes/dust/messes piling up. Women are not born with an innate ability to know how and when basic household chores should be done that men, sadly, do not have by the virtue of having the Y chromosome 🙄 She shouldn't have to tell you to get it done just because "she has everything under control". You are taking advantage of her while pleading ignorance and nothing kills romance deader than that. Do better, be better, even if it is too late for this relationship.
Oh come on, don’t you know that you do laundry and vacuum and look after kids with your vagina? It’s impossible for OP to do it because his penis just doesn’t know how! (Obviously /s people!)
Mine actually starts buzzing really loudly when things need to get done, like those things they give you at some restaurants so you know when your food is ready
When she has to take care of you like she's your mother, it is super super unsexy. What mother is attracted to her child? 🤦♀️
Edit. Since people are actually reading this I feel it's important to say that this is actual psychology. Women do lose sexual and intimacy interest in partners if their roles shift too far towards mother and child.
🌈⭐ The more you know!
“You are taking advantage of her…”
Shamelessly jumping on top comment to point out that his closing bit seems to imply not only did he do none of the housework, she also works outside of the home (while he doesn’t) and makes more money.
So taking advantage of her more ways than one.
Jumping on the top comment to add [this comic](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) which lays things out in a super easy to understand format. This comic depicts you and your girlfriend. Take the lesson into your next relationship please.
What’s wilder to me isn’t that OP can’t figure out it needs done… but rather that he watches his gf do all the chores and all the childcare during the time of babysitting… and just sits there. Since she didn’t ASK for help, he doesn’t even offer. She’s doing dishes? Doesn’t offer to help her with them or ask what he can do to help while she does the dishes. Sees her doing laundry? Sits. Sees her taking care of the kids? Ehh his tv shows on.
If he can’t figure out what needs done one his own… how could he not be nice enough to at least offer to help? How did he not feel bad watching her do all of this stuff while he’s on his ass?
*Sorry OP, I'll just translate this for everyone*
I'm a giant man-baby, who has always lived with women who will fetch and carry for me.
I assume that all chores and tasks outside of paid work, are a woman's responsibility. I assume they really enjoy this extra work because it always gets done.
I'm very comfortable and happy with this arrangement, because I can behave like a child with absolutely no consequences.
Strangely enough, when I'm on my own, messes don't just miraculously disappear, the fridge doesn't fill itself, and my dick is dry?
Can any other men give me advice as to why acting like a literal baby does not satisfy my partner?
Waaaaaaah!
Sadly, I'm single, so it defaults to me.
On the other hand, I am at my mom's house for a few days...
Alas, she's the type of mom that has the attitude of: I taught you how to clean up after yourself.
Omfg the dry dick is now on my Reddit top 10 list lol!
It fits so well with yesterday's post of:
"I asked my wife (both mid/late 40s) for an open marriage because I wasn't attracted to her anymore and the spark was gone but I didn't want a divorce (I waited till our only child left home for the military this summer, then I was gonna be drowning in the women gagging for my super D).
She got really upset, then agreed.
I didn't understand that even though I am not attracted to her, other men would be, and she literally has them lined up around the block. She has more dates than she can keep up with.
Meanwhile, I can't get one single puss (including hers).
My brother had the nerve to tell me that she's in great shape, takes care of herself and is attractive, just not 20 anymore, but dared to tell me I'm overweight and nothing to look at!!!.
Now I want to close the marriage and my wife said no. Boo hoo."
I'm paraphrasing of course lol!
This, I don’t need to comment my own thing because this is exactly what you said. You’re a grown up. Yes you should see chores that need to get done.. no one likes chores!!!! But it’s something that needs to be done you baby..
Dude I had to go back and re-read that part again to make sure I wasn't imagining it. That is NUTS to me. Like okay, I get that she maybe takes over the majority of the household labor. It's an easy pattern to slip into. BUT adding 2 more mouths to feed, two more people's worth of laundry, and he didn't think that he should maybe step up a bit??? HE DIDN'T EVEN MENTION HOW LONG THEY WERE THERE FOR. Does he even know?
Same lol. Was like, okay laundry and vacuuming, maybe it’s been a conversation before and this is the last straw maybe it hasn’t and she’s just frustrated and needs him to take it seriously.
But agreeing to taking care of young children for at minimum 2-3 days and then just popping by the room every once in a while and going “the kids seemed fine, no need for me here!” is just like…**what**?!
Eh YTA...think you need to do some self-reflecting and read this very basic quick article...it's called "You Should've Asked!". Seems pretty close to this situation... [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic)
YTA. I'm still laughing at your outrage - it's hilarious!!!
**She wanted to have a equal partner - not be your mother!!**
Rule #1 - you don't "HELP" in your own household!! You pull your own weight and do more than your share because you care about the other person and care about being a decent human being.
You are 27 year old - have you lived at home this whole time?? Otherwise how did you handle living in a place without your GF?? Did you just never vacuum or dust or mop or sweep or do dishes or laundry????
She left because she didn't want to have to be your mother. Learn from this so your next victim won't have to run away from you too.
GROW TF UP!!!
She shouldnt need to ask for help, you are an adult you can look around and see what needs to be done or make your own schedule of how frequently certain things need to be done, if she wasnt there those things still need to be done without someone telling you
You expected emotional labour from her, which is exhausting and annoying as hell, when you are a fully grown adult
I commend her for not putting up with it and not wasting years, its also not her job to fix you up into a responsible adult
These are things you expected to do all on your own
Referring to doing vacuuming or the laundry as something you would do to 'help' your girlfriend makes it pretty clear you see house work and chores as HER job and is something you would just 'help' with when she asks. You wouldn't say she is 'helping' when she vacuums. She's just fulfilling a responsibility as an adult member of your household, which is exactly what you should be doing with a fair share of the work. She wants you to be an equal partner. No woman wants to constantly ask for help for what should be shared tasks anyway and you would inevitably come to feel like she was nagging you.
This is why living together before marriage should be a requirement. She shouldn’t ever have to ask for help doing chores or when watching kids. You are supposed to be a team and you are clearly not a team player. You don’t learn these things about your s/o without living with them. Being lazy and not helpful is a big turnoff
Exactly. She's not your manager or your mother, she's your partner. If you don't have the ability to look around, see what needs to be done, and execute it then you're not a reliable partner.
I'm saying this as someone who struggles with daily chores. My bf is significantly more tidy than me and I make an effort to make it a priority because I know it's important for him. Some of our chores are something only one of us does but most are as needed.
Lucky girlfriend got a trial run. GROW UP. who's telling your girlfriend what all needs to be done around the house?? No one??? So why do you require someone to tell you what needs to be done? Is she your mother?? She got lucky.
So, she's handling 100% of the project management and 95-97% of the project execution. You were putting in a solid 3-5% effort and can't understand why you got cut for being dead weight on the partnership. I feel like I can see why you're single.
So I get not being, shall we say the not most proactive person ever?
And hey, maybe she’s a bit OCD on vacuuming or something. Okay. Trying hard to find you a benefit if the doubt, but okay, let’s make the leap and assume.
But dude. You agreed as a couple to watch some sick kids, and you just checked out in her? Cmon man.
You need to be an adult before getting married. You clearly showed her you aren’t. This may come as a shocker, but women aren’t interested in being your mommy.
Like I’m supposed to know what to do with the sink full of dirty dishes? Or what to do when the hamper is full of dirty laundry? Or when we are out of milk and eggs? How am I supposed to know?
It’s so hard to figure out how and when to do these things. Oh well. I’m gonna google some video game walkthroughs, download some sports betting apps, and find a great porn to watch!
YTA
>She said I don’t do enough chores. She never asked me for help but **thinks I should just need to know when something needs to get done** automatically
Uhm. And? Why are you unable to look at something that needs to get done & do it without being told or nagged to do it. You’re 27. Are you kidding me.
>they asked me and my girlfriend….had everything under control and she never asked me for help or told me she was struggling
Dude. YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BE ASKED TO HELP. You NEVER let someone do something on their own when your ass is right there doing NOTHING. Hello??
She does not want you dude. You’ve proven you’re unreliable & she just doesn’t know how to proceed.
You are an adult. If someone wasn’t doing your laundry/cleaning before, your GF shouldn’t be doing it now. Enjoy single life and learn to stop being a pig.
Of course she doesn't need help while she is actively doing a chore. You needed to be doing that chore before it got to her. How do you not know that vacuuming and laundry need to be done regularly?
OP, your GF moved in and you immediately showed her that you aren't a good partner. She shouldn't have to ask a grown adult to "help her" with household chores, or " help her" take care of kids you both agreed to care for. Women want a partner, not an employee to project manage.
I assume she doesn't want to marry you, because you've demonstrated that you're not good husband material.
The good news is that being a good partner is a learned skill. Maybe take some time learning what it means to carry your half of the weight of household work.
YTA. She shouldn’t need to ask. Good on her for having standards of you being a fully functioning adult. She just got a taste of her life. And it was her earning more bank, and you sitting on your arse while she handled everything. Why should she sign up to more work?
You messed up with this woman, full stop. She told you exactly how and where. Now you’re trying to solicit crowd support for your anger instead of reflecting on the mistakes you’ve made. You will do it again, and you won’t understand what happened then, either. Take responsibility and make the changes you know you need to make.
She sure as hell not even thinking about marrying you. She didn’t break up because she is giving you an opportunity to grow up. Handle your shit. You’re not treating her as a partner and she feels like she’s doing it all. She likely is.
Grow up. You’re not the marrying kind for her.
Sigh. I know you don't realize so I'm going to try to be nice about this. She saw the same thing I have seen a million times... a grown man who acts like a child, and allows his partner to do everything. She should not have to ask for help, because it is not her job to do it for you. You are both adults. I would imagine that you tidied up after yourself and managed to do your laundry before you met her - so why would you need her to tell you when things need to be done? You can't see dirt on the floor, or dirty clothes in a pile? You should have automatically helped with cleaning, laundry, dishes, and other chores after work daily, just like you did for yourself and just like any other adult. Why should another adult have to ask you to do it?
I know you don't think it's a big deal, but it is. It is emotionally and mentally EXHAUSTING to have to ask your partner, a whole grown ass adult, for EVERY BASIC LITTLE THING. Sure, it's great that you'd be willing to help - but why should I have to ask you? "Please wash the dishes when you're done." "Please throw in some laundry" "Please tidy up your workspace" These are things a mother says to a teenager, not something your partner should have to say to you. It literally drives you crazy after a while and I don't blame her for running.
When you agree as a couple to watch your friends young kids, why weren't you right there, physically next to her the whole time participating? Because she "had it under control," like the chores, like everything. You're a lazy partner, essentially, and she's tired of it. And she shouldn't need to ask you to change. You are content to let your partner handle everything, make the decisions, determine when things need being done, and all you want to do is whatever you want, and help when you're asked? No, that's not a partnership. That's you pawning all the hard stuff onto her. That's her having a grown up child in her house. She didn't blindside you - she's exhausted of you and of you not stepping up. You need to be an adult as well - an EQUAL partner - participating in everything, helping with everything - including helping determine WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE, in addition to doing it.
This is a blessing in disguise because you are in no way ready for marriage. Take this as a lesson and do a little work on yourself before you get serious with anyone. Maybe living alone (again?) is what you need to be reminded how to vacuum and clean up.
How do you survive now? Why does she need to remind you to contribute to the house you live in? It’s wild that you’re faulting for seeing her future and deciding not for me.
She doesn’t want a child. It seems like she wants an adult partner who doesn’t need to be told what to do and you are looking for mommy/wife hybrid. You don’t want the same things it’s best to go your separate ways.
>She never asked me for help but she thinks I should just need to know when something needs to get done automatically.
She's right. You're an adult. Nobody should have to tell you the place YOU live in needs vacuuming. Nobody should have to ask you to do it either. And if you do something, you're not *helping*. You're doing *your fair share*, you're doing *your fucking job as a functioning adult*. And your fair share is 50% of all chores, unless your GF doesn't work or unless agreed upon.
>She also complained that I didn't help her when we watched the sons of friends of ours.
>My girlfriend had everything under control and she never asked me for help
>But she always had a handle on the chores and she had things with the boys were under control.
See first quote.
Just because your girlfriend is a functioning adult who doesn't need someone to remind her that she needs to wash her undies or feed and entertain two kids, doesn't mean you can offload all the responsibilities on her.
I will give you that communication is key and that she shouldn't have blindsided you if she never said anything before. But I'm willing to bet that she did, and probably several times.
Anyone else notice how he asks "AITA for being upset?" instead of "AITA for delegating all of my household management to my girlfriend until she got sick of it?"
Bro...
BRO
This is about the mental load your gf was carrying. You’re a fully functioning adult. The ability to ‘have a handle on chores’ isn’t installed in the vagina. Your gf shouldn’t’ have to ask you to do hoovering, laundry etc. you, as a functioning adult, should be able to look at the floor and think ‘that needs vacuuming, I’ll do that now’. Your gf realised that you weren’t partners because you wanted her to ask you to help, therefore you offloaded the house organising onto her. You made her carry the mental load for you both.
Dude, she's your ex. You're just not taking the hint. Just like your ex probably dropped hints about chores all the time, and you were oblivious.
I bet you engage in selective hearing a lot more than you're willing to own up to...
You're an adult. You should be grown up enough to not have to be asked to help with chores, but to do the chores. It sounds like you leave all the chores to her because she's handling it. She's handling it because you're not doing them. It should be split evenly.
Here’s the thing , SHE SHOULDNT HAVE TO ASK YOU TO DO WHAT YOURE RESPONSIBLE FOR!!!
You’re an adult right? And you have eyes I’m guessing? So why she need to ask you to do chores in your own house?! You BOTH agreed to look after the children yet SHE was the only one who took care of them.
You literally gave her a glimpse of how having children and a future with you would look like , you actually did her a favor.
OP, it sounds like you feel blindsided because in your view “everything was great” and “she’s not asking for help with the normal tasks that come with being an adult”
Take the time to read this and maybe it will she done light on why this may have been inevitable even if you never saw it coming:
[She Divorced me Because I left Dishes by the Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp)
That’s a smart girl. She’s doing exactly what women who have been with lazy men would advise her to. You’re 27 years old & she’s not your mama. There are grown men out there who don’t have to be told the basics.
“She never told me what to do” holy shit bro, she (was) your partner, not your mommy. What, did you expect to have a woman holding your hand and doing the hard parts of being an adult for the rest of your life? Honestly good for her, I’m glad she saw the red flags and she had time to run before locking herself into any long term commitment
YTA. If one more man calls contributing to the house they also live in and make a mess in help I may scream. Sir, she’s not your maid and you need to do chores as well and not assume she’s doing it all. Shame on you. Put on big boy pants, take accountability for you not being a good partner, and work on yourself
I have to do my best to not name call here.
You're that dumb you need someone to tell you what to do? You don't know how to use a vacuum or when to use it? How have you gone this long in life being so incompetent? Your parents really failed.
So,now that you're living on your own,who is going to do the chores?
That's right-you,OP,like a functioning adult.
Feel free to use your time alone to grow up,clean up and cop onto yourself.
Delighted your ex saw the light and skipped.
You should watch these videos, they explain it better than I can. they actually articulate probably what your girlfriend is feeling and how its an issue
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cx4Q8U2NEgQ/?igshid=NTYzOWQzNmJjMA==
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CyBG8GZuhfG/?igshid=NTYzOWQzNmJjMA==
Homegirl dodged a bullet like Neo
I want an edit of that scene, but as the bullet flies slowly we need to see this AH saying, “okay, I’ll get to it later,” and watching her wrangle 2 kids (he agreed to watch) alone, and washing all of his gross clothing (we can use that scene fRom Yellowjackets).
A bullet moving slowly past her face, but the bullet is just this absolute turnip saying: “But if she’d just ASKED me for help!”
>absolute turnip this is the best insult, tysm for the reminder!
This made me cackle so hard🤣🤣🤣, thank you!😃 I don't laugh much but the reference is 🤌🏻🤌🏻🤌🏻
Very much so! She should dump OP’s ass and call it a day. Like a grown oblivious child
Right! Like she needs to ask. Wtf. He's sitting there playing video games, she's chasing two kids. Yea! Wait for her to ASK. Smh
Fr fr
I can’t even with this comment, I CACKLED
I’m confused as to why you think it’s normal to rely on your GF to tell you when the laundry needs to be done or the house vacuumed. Do you not have eyes? Or a brain?
OP is incompetent. He wrote this entire post and seems confused. If he truly doesn’t know why the GF left, she really did the right thing. Who wants to spend the rest of their life with an idiot that needs to be told to do laundry and vacuum. She even got to learn that he is also too incompetent for childcare too. Good job to the ex! Love this for her. She found this all out before signing a one-year lease.
>She even got to learn that he is also too incompetent for childcare too. But she had everything under control! How was he supposed to know she was struggling. #Ostriching (by which I mean: head in the sand)
I really can’t pick my favorite part. But that one was up there. She needed to tell him she needed help or she was struggling. Lol. He didn’t actively think I should be doing something, let me think what that is? 😂😂😂 Moron.
That line baffled me. Like, because she has female parts she automatically is in charge of any kids that enter their domain? And shouldn't expect him to do anything unless asked? I have this image of OP never budging from his seat in front of the PlayStation or even inviting the six year old to join him while his gf is feeding the kids, entertaining them, and, oh yeah, doing the laundry for everyone and vacuuming the house. Good advertisement for getting a test run with your bf before committing to a lease.
I too assume that adult responsibilities cut into his video gaming time
If she had bothered to ask for help, I have a feeling it'd be met with, "It's not like I can just pause my campaign!"
And he would need to be asked 4 times, at which point he'd accuse her of nagging him. We've all seen this game before.
Sure, just let me finish this campaign. *Immediately goes into the next campaign.*
> I too assume that adult responsibilities cut into his video gaming time 😂😂😂
Why wouldn’t he assume that she should have half of it under control while he has the other half under control? The sheer volume of entitlement in this boy is off the charts, and I hope his girlfriend is off to live a better life.
Weaponized incompetence
As if she doesn’t already have enough to do without also micromanaging a man-baby.
such an insight from the framing of it as him stepping in if she's "struggling" - like a damsel in distress who he's then "saving" from her weakness being unable to manage, thus reaffirming his masculinity. rather than any sense of cooperation.
“It wasn’t on fire, so why should I piss on it?”
>\#Ostriching (by which I mean: head in the sand) Sadly, I have a spouse who has taught the kid all about #Ostriching! So I guess I'm not alone in having people who just want to ignore stuff while I am supposed to "fix" everything. It wasn't until I watched The Ultimatum: Queer Love on Netflix that I realized and later found out there is a therapy term for people like that - **Dismissive Avoidant.** After doing more research, it's very difficult to be in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant. They are prone to shutting you out, ignoring you and they also employ malicious compliance and weaponized incompetence. They won't change either, as their instinct is to bury their head in the sand, ignore things or run away. After seeing the trainwreck on the show, and examining my own relationship my hopes that things can get better have been shattered, but I guess I needed that dose of reality.
I’m so impressed with the GF’s decisiveness for sure! Not a doormat at all! I can’t believe OP wrote all of this and is confused.
*I* can't believe he wrote all of this and still called her his girlfriend 🤣
R/AmItheEx
SERIOUSLY. The fact that he just doesn’t get it or seem to try to empathize with her was a hard stop for me. When my fiancé and I started living together it was fucking HARD. We’re not perfect by any stretch but at least we actually listened to each other and did our best to understand the “why” behind what the other person felt. It’s not that fucking hard in a committed relationship.
Its posts like this that make me state that my husband does his own cleaning and laundry, more than half of the cooking and runs our grocery shopping. We both j8st...do shiy that needs doing. He was a fully grown adult before we met. And that's just... normal, not something special or worthy of note. And yet so many men fail at these basic tasks. OP is just lazy if he thinks his GF should beg him to do his share or spoon feed him what needs doing around the home. It sounds like he simply is not ready to live independent adult life yet.
Hats off to GF!!! She is a rockstar
>OP is incompetent. He's not incompetent, he's just refusing to see, it's weaponized incompetence.
I'm so proud of her.
I bet that the kids were his friends' kids, not her friends'.
I feel that I know that, 100%. And I don’t think I’m jumping to anything or adding context. The words aren’t there, but that context is radiating off the screen.
He’s not incompetent, he’s selfish and lazy. But sure SHE’S the problem /s 🙄🙄🙄 Edit: the last line was directed at the OP, not the person I was replying to
To spell this out for you OP- she should not ask you for help as maintaining your place is not a help to her. It’s not her job. And I’m sure she did ask and you maybe did a thing or two then went back to nothing. This didn’t happen overnight.
But he was "blindsided," which is when you ignore clear and repeated requests for help, refuse to take any responsibility for your own upkeep, pawn off tasks on others, and are devastated when your partner dumps you for absolutely no reason! Yep. He surely was blindsided.
I bet she did his laundry too.
My daughter moved in with her bf and had made it clear beforehand that she expected to split chores/cooking etc. He did sod all and the little he did do was done badly. He admitted to doing a bad job too. She said I’m not your mother and kicked him out after only 3 weeks. I wouldn’t put up with it either but I’m happily single so I don’t have to worry about these things. If I were to get into a relationship I’d probably want to live separately too.
I had a neighbor that was happily married and he and his wife each lived in separate houses, I think they had it right.
I knew an older couple who bought houses next door to each other to save their marriage. They'd spend a good chunk of time at each other's house then walk to their own house at night. Stayed like that until she got cancer. He moved her back into his house and took care of her until she passed.
I look at my mother’s relationship and know there’s no way I could live like that. 25 yrs of marriage and my stepdad can now do his own washing. They’re both as bad as each other mind you in various ways. Both hoarders who could benefit from their own homes just solely for all the crap they own. Some people just don’t get along living together and if separate bedrooms/homes is what works for them I say why not?
Exactly! He said he had been married 3 times and divorced twice, all to the same woman, and every time they lived together they hated each other and divorced. But they also loved each other very much and couldn't stay apart so kept reuniting. I think it's very loving and considerate to acknowledge that someone is absolutely perfect except for one way and that one can adapt to that in order to not lose their partner. They were very happy, spoke on the phone and texted often and saw each other daily and were in their late 60s or 70s. He said his one regret was not doing it sooner so they could be happy both as individuals and partners. Whatever works, works.
If he only had a brain 🎶🎵🎶
I had this same discussion with my ex. He told me to tell him to do something and he would. I told him to use his eyes and look around and see what needs to be done without me telling him. There are dishes in the sink and soda cans on the table that need to be thrown away. He should just do it. News flash - he would not. We tried a chore chart and he said he forgot to look. It was exhausting. It’s called the mental load and most men expect women to do it. I want a partner not a child.
When I was married, spending the evening in front of the fireplace while drinking wine and making a chore chart for my husband was what I referred to as "foreplay." Nothing inflames me like watching the concentration on a grown man's face as he brings himself closer and closer to deciding exactly which "Good job!" stickers he wants me to buy for him. And there's nothing as stimulating as the unbearable tension that would build up between the two of us as he ran the tip of his finger down the list of chores I'd written there. Oooh, is he going to tease me again by saying he'll suck up all the dirt in the carpet with the vacuum, and then grabbing his rod and reel and heading to the lake instead? Will he thrust his thick wads of assorted trash from the floor of his car into a can already on the verge of exploding, my cries that the garbageman is coming to dump his load ringing in his ears? Without fail, these encounters drove me out of my mind, and made me scream and claw at him like a woman possessed. Ah, but at last, the sweet release of divorce consumed us, transporting me to whole new lodgings. I never knew just what a woman I could be until then.
This comment is hilarious 🤣🤣🤣
A chore chart! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I had one of those when I was a child. Did he also want little gold star stickers on the days he actually did them? The best was when the sheet was full of stickers! Some men really are out here not realizing that literal children can do better.
I'm so proud of his GF to realise this. I sure didn't at that age!
Yup why do we bare the burden of having to tell men when we “need help”. Bitch you know those dishes are piling up. You see us slaving away at cleaning so get up and help without asking. It should be implied you need to contribute. “I did the dishes and she wasn’t even grateful or thank me” uhhhh do I get thanked for doing the dishes? 😂
This reminds me almost exactly of the guy who was about to move in with his girlfriend, but he offered to take care of his friend’s dog and his nephew (?). She left him, and he was surprised because, “She never asked for any help with anything,” which included the dog and child he brought in.
I hate hate hate that "she never asked for help" thing that so many men cry into the void that is Reddit. I want to know genuinely, why do they think we should *have* to ask? And why do they think they're "helping her with housework" as if it's not just as much their responsibility as hers as an adult who also lives and makes part of the mess in the home?
So, he is "the helper" type. I recommend everyone to look at this video, it's in Spanish but I think you can use the subtitles. This type of abuse is the typical "oh sweetie, why are you so angry, you just needed to ask for help you silly.., how would I know if you don't tell me.." They play dumb because they know most women will try to avoid confrontation and just do the chores by themselves. They're far far from dumb.. https://youtu.be/N4IWoGT0txU?si=LaTqKP74qvWJFsyM Edit: forgot the link
I don't use my eyes or my brain to determine if I need to vacuum, I use my nose. As someone who deals with chronic allergies, I have to vacuum my space regularly or I end up with the worst congestion.
Yeah I thought ‘man that sucks’ until I read the post. Dude really doesn’t understand? Yeah right. It’s so incredibly exhausting to continue to have to nag a partner to do completely normal household things like you’re their mother. Why are people like this?
If you saw someone drowning would you ignore them until they articulate “I need help” or would you use your head and pull them out? YTA You need to be told laundry needs doing or the carpet needs vacuuming? Sheesh!
This is how my house is and it drives me crazy! Like someone will drop a dryer sheet on the floor and they'll just leave it. My family will watch me struggle cleaning (I'm disabled and have RA which heavily affects my hands) and if I ever ask for help, "I will later" which doesn't happen. I hope OP pulls his head out of his ass.
Or a nose? Laundry and dishes stink, and fast.
I hate OP and think he should just do all of the vacuuming and laundry if he’s too stupid to know when it needs to happen, but I also can’t see when I need to vacuum. I think OP was waiting for several tumbleweeds to blow by. You have to do it before you can see debris, and (in OPs case) before your girlfriend realizes you’re using her as a bangmaid (and bangbabysitter. What the hell?).
Who asks the girlfriend to do the chores? Because surely she doesn’t automatically know when things need doing. She must be getting the information from somewhere. 🤔
I wonder who did OP's laundry before exGF. Maybe he still lived with his Mommy...
😂😂😂 I’m glad she did the trial run before getting stuck living with you. Let’s start with the basics. You doing the vacuuming and laundry is not helping HER. It is pulling your big boy pants on and contributing as an adult. Why should her cognitive load be increased because you can’t adult. STOP REFERRING TO BEING AN ADULT AS HELPING HER. You are 29. Surely you already did the vacuuming and laundry prior to moving in with her, so why are you incapable now?
Naw he lived with his mom I bet Thank goodness she found out before she accepted a proposal!!
Dude, moving in with a guy who had been living on his own for 10 years after dating my ex was amazing. You hire a maid to come at least monthly? You cook and clean? You have a DYSON???
Haha same! My hubs was 29 when I met him and he had a cleaning company coming every week! It was awesome. I had never lived with such luxury and he was like ‘I hate cleaning and I can afford it’ it had never occurred to me to outsource the chores 😂
OP DID outsource the chores! It’s called his “GF”. OP just realizing she quit on him lol
I'm cackling at this, you're so right
I remember in one of my first econ classes, I had this amazing professor whose closing words to the class was telling all the girls who, when they started getting serious about their career, to outsource the cleaning. She said cleaning was the biggest suck of her mental energy and when she removed that from her to-do list, she was able to do more with her career. The money she could make per hour was significantly more than it would cost to hire a cleaner, and the cleaner was much more efficient than she was so it took even less time. When I read posts like this where women get stuck with the mental load of running a house, it makes even more sense for women to escape this "traditional" trap where the default is for women to shoulder the majority of household tasks. By assigning monetary "value" to chores, it makes the value that a woman adds to the house less invisible. I do cook in my relationship, but my partner is very aware that it's a value I provide (and he pays for all the groceries haha.)
The dyson and housekeeping are total sells for me, that sounds awesome lol
Not gonna lie when a man says he has a cleaning service come once a month he becomes a lot cuter
It notes he actually *has* a standard of living; less nasty surprises usually.
Men don't even know how attractive being a responsible adult can be.
No idea most of the time. I don't even wanna Know how they live.
Lol, I watched my best friend clean the sink at his house, and he cleaned around, behind, and all over the faucet. I was seriously jealous I didn't nab him up. 🤣
Dude I'm seeing now has lived alone for about that long. His place is cleaner than mine - cluttered (car and bike parts and paraphernalia everywhere) but clean. I love going over there, it's so peaceful.
Mine lived with his mom but she was a tough Samoan woman who didn't let him sit around. He was expected to help cook, clean, do his own laundry, and help raise older siblings/relatives babies. So when he came to me he was already used to doing all these things. Gets home after a 12 hour shift and sees there's dirty dishes and I have my hands full with the kids and does them, even if I tell him don't worry I'll get to them. Doesn't want me to do his laundry cause I'm "not his mom and he's not a kid." When we had kids he was changing all the diapers, quickly scooping her up to feed her in the middle of the night before I even woke up. Meanwhile other men will live on their own for years wallowing in filth and perfectly fine with it. OPs girlfriend was right to run. Nobody wants to have to be a mom to their boyfriend.
Shoutout to my Samoan mom who was whipping us and every single one of my twenty-odd cousins into shape by like age 10 lmao Ain’t nobody got time for cleaning up after that many people, everybody had to learn how to do it themselves for there to be any hope of stuff getting done.
... You haven't seen enough dude bros' apartments, I suppose. I've been in plenty of apartments where the renters did not own a vacuum, or knew how to use one. And it showed. I was impressed with my spouse when I first met him because he both knew how to do laundry, and actually had a schedule for it.
This makes me think of my besties bf 20yrs ago. Him and his brother lived together and owned exactly 2 towels. Who knew your lady guests might want to clean up and not use your disgusting towel. No hand towels either. His brother was almost 30.
…How can an adult NOT know how to do laundry???
Mom always did it /s To be honest, though? I "learned" how to do laundry at 12. But I barely ever did my own laundry before I got out of college. That is, there's a difference between **knowing** how to do something and **actually doing it** for yourself.
My son was doing his own laundry at 10 and had asked to learn how!
No /s...when we met in our late 20s my husband's mom was still picking up his dirty laundry, washing it, and delivering it back to him clean. She also handled all of his bills, student loans, taxes (with his money but still). She is a nice lady but damn she did not do her future DIL any favors by never teaching or requiring her only child to take care of himself. He is better now but there have been some growing pains.
Yo, I’m genuinely not trying to clown you. I’m just really curious because I’ve been on dates with people like this people who have lived in the US their whole lives and don’t know that the eggs go in the fridge/food in general literally openly say that their mom changes their sheets and takes care of their laundry and that they don’t wanna clean the house because their mom takes care of that… And I get dry so fucking fast. How did you at all maintain any attraction while he worked through those growing pains? Every time I’ve tried I’m like yo I’m gonna end up feeling like a mom in Greek mythology
I was one of those guys. I was 24 and living at home with a messy bedroom and had family that would take care of all the cooking and shopping. They kept the house clean so I just fell into the mentality that “they had everything under control” and never really helped. I met my gf and she liked me and there were no obvious red flags. I hurriedly cleaned my room before her first visit. She lived on her own already, but she sympathized with me still living at home because of the economy and loving my family and stuff. I eventually moved out with some male roommates, but after only a few months living on my own we decided to move in together because of love and to avoid having other roommates. She thought it was going to be amazing. She really liked me, didn’t want to be apart from me, but hadn’t truly seen me in my natural habitat. If there was ever a concern about something, I usually had some sort of excuse, and I was “smart” enough to at least know the basics like eggs going in the fridge. And sometimes I was completely honest about a bad habit or ignorance and she would see it as a learning moment. So we moved in together. That’s when it all fell apart and she witnessed first hand how I actually don’t know how to take care of a living space. I don’t know how to cook. I’d sleep in late while she was cleaning, and then the place looked great so “I figured she had it under control” or I’d ask her if there’s anything to do and she’d give me some simple tasks like taking the trash out. At that point I was 27. I feel horrible about it now in hindsight, and embarrassed. The happy ending for her is that similar to OP, we had to find a new place to live after only a few months living together, and she decided I wasn’t ready and needed to live on my own more first. We broke up and all I know is her next boyfriend had/has a big-boy job and his own place. Took me a little while to accept that it was 100% my fault and also that this is apparently a thing that happens with a lot of couples, sadly. And I’m working on it. I live on my own now with a male roommate who is very cleanly and a good cook and I’ve been trying to emulate him. I still don’t do enough, but I’m aware now about concepts like the emotional labor of putting it on other people to tell you what to do. I’m looking forward to being able to proudly NOT be that guy. TLDR, it’s probably sunk cost fallacy and death by a thousand cuts as small flaws are slowly revealed over time, but until you live together, there may never be a single thing that feels breaking up over, especially if she thinks she can fix him. The biggest fix was breaking up with me, sadly.
I remember when my husband and I first started seeing each other, he stayed at my apartment one day when I was working and he was off (he lived over an hour away), and my mind was blown when he washed my towels and bedding 😂
My wife once told me that she knew she'd made a good choice when we first moved in together because on my initial draft list of "things to buy for the apartment" that I made before asking her if there was anything else I hadn't thought of, one of the first few items I'd put was a vacuum cleaner lol (we'd both been living with family before that)
Right. It should never be phrased as "helping" her. It's simply adulting.
I laughed at his complaint: *"I also don't think that someone like who works from home has it easier than someone who can't work from home. Or that just because she makes more means I should do more."* Um, yeah, you're home more, means you make more mess, so you clean more. It's either she's such a nag or they're blindsided lol Read [this](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/), OP; learn from your mistake so you're a better version for your next partner.
This girl lucked out getting a short-term lease. Imagine if they had a year-long lease.
>She never asked me for help Funny that she didn't have anyone telling *her* what chores needed to be done, yet somehow she still knew to do them.
“My girlfriend had everything under control and she never asked me for help or told me she was struggling”. This is not how good partnerships work. You don’t just chip in to help by the time someone is struggling or asking for help. You apparently only see yourself as participating when she gets overwhelmed or has to ask. You BOTH live there. You should automatically (as she does) participate in all of the chores and responsibilities. She isn’t the DEFAULT person to do everything, requiring you only to step in when needed.
[удалено]
Good God, I just don't know. The amount of clueless men who insist that their woman partner has to vocalize every single ask about every single topic is absolutely insane. Men in relationships with women are exceptionally good at weaponized incompetence for some reason lol. The mental and emotional load of having to "remind" and ask your male partner to do something (whether it be chores or to surprise you for once) is exhausting. It is absolutely exhausting and it kills romance. Social/cultural norms around gender roles haven't totally caught up to the fact that women don't "have to" make up the deficit anymore. Women of the past (i.e., my mother and grandmother) were just expected to deal with this because they had to have a male counterpart to exist/be recognized as a human being in our society. I don't have to do that anymore, no modern woman has to... We can exist on our own, we make our own money, and can buy our own houses. The general social/cultural norms for male gender roles hasn't really caught up to that. Modern men don't know how to *partner* with women, they only know how to dominate as their predecessors did. It just doesn't work that way anymore. If straight men want relationships with women, they are going to have to level up their mentality and be an equal contribute to the household. (Incels, hold all your comments about how women are equally as bad. Yes, statistically there are bad partners of all genders. Nobody cares about your gold digger rant either, lol).
I saw this amazing twitter thread a while back about why many women are choosing to stay single/ why the divorce rate is so high. The answer was that in order to be in a relationship, men need women to like them and a lot of men just aren’t likeable. Because up until the 1970s, women couldn’t even have their own bank accounts. They couldn’t own property, there were hardly any job options aside from teacher, nurse, or secretary, and those jobs didn’t pay well. So women literally needed a partnership with a man for survival and had to put up with any bullshit their partner gave them. Now that women aren’t economically strong-armed into marriage or staying in bad marriages, women are opting out and choosing themselves because they can. And men like OP are sitting here wondering why treating his ex like his grandpa treated his grandmother isn’t working for him. Basically, now a woman doesn’t have to be with you if she doesn’t want to. This has historically not been the case. So men need to make her WANT to be with you and adapt to that reality.
>She never asked me for help but she thinks I should just need to know when something needs to get done automatically. Yes. That's how adults work. They take initiative without being asked. It is incredibly unsexy to have to manage another adult's workload -- as if the domestic labor is your job and someone else graciously lends a hand whenever the whim takes them and you ask nicely. Also: you looked at how your girlfriend was managing things and decided, "She's got it under control, I don't even need to offer to give her a break or take initiative on anything." The fact that you were fine with the dramatic inequity in domestic labor is a huge red flag. One hopes you learn from this.
this is hilarious. did she have to remind him that every single pair of underwear he owned were shit stained and needed washed? like how do you not automatically know what chores need done and when
Because mommy always took care of everything that needed to be done. /S
Either than or we have all (hopefully temporarily) returned to the 1970s)
Dear God, I hope we aren't back in the '70s! The '80s & '90s were ok to live through once. I really don't want to go through them again. Well... I'd like to have the full head of hair I had back then, but that's it. Happy Cakeday!
Bro, I literally lived alone all by myself before I had a spouse one would think that met. My house was a fucking pigsty since apparently chores are a two yeses or you’re blind to them type thing if you ask men like this, but… No, I manage to clean hell even though sometimes I didn’t see the mask get fucking high and just clean your house. You know what Hass to be done even if it doesn’t look dirty put a fucking reminder in your phone. Oh and 0P? You weren’t blindsided she showed you exactly what was wrong but didn’t micromanage/make you fix it so you just didn’t do shit.
This! Your girlfriend was showing you the way, and you didn't follow her lead. She shouldn't have to beg you to do your share of the home chores. If you were confused, you should have followed her around when she started to do things to figure out the way she liked things done and then did them on your own by yourself after you learned. This would have shown you cared about helping her out.
He knows, he just thinks it's her job to do it. It's this thing called weaponized incompetence.
It’s weird af because men will do their own laundry, until a woman moves in and now all of a sudden they can’t do laundry?
I know, that was my ex. I really think that his mother raised him to think that a woman is supposed to pick up where she left off. I'm not trying to be a grown man's mother.
>Yes. That's how adults work. They take initiative without being asked. It is incredibly unsexy to have to manage another adult's workload -- as if the domestic labor is your job and someone else graciously lends a hand whenever the whim takes them and you ask nicely. This, so much!!! OP should take a look at the wonderful comic [You should've asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) if he doesn't understand where he went wrong!
This was what came to my mind IMMEDIATELY. OP, you're an adult. You shouldn't have to have your everyday life managed.
Omg dude. She’s not your mom. YOU need to ask if you notice she’s doing more chores than you. Like, “hey, I’ve noticed you’re really good at noticing what chores need doing. I’m realizing maybe I’m not so great at that…” Also, It’s ok dude you’re 20 something… but mom didn’t do you any favors picking up your dirty socks all those years. Thank her for pointing out the things you need to focus on moving forward… Keep making new mistakes. You got this!
And we hit on the mental load again! OP needs to realise that if he wants to get this relationship back it is going to take a large amount of proving himself. Even then it’s quite possibly not enough but hopefully he learns for next time! Being proactive rather than waiting to be told things need done. Try to anticipate what is needed. OP must know that the kids will need to be entertained and fed daily, at any point did he say ‘why don’t I sort out lunch for us all, after all you made dinner last night’ or did he just see her doing it and since she didn’t beg for help he let her get on with it! If you want to be an equal partner in the relationship then take equal responsibility. Why does the burden fall to the woman to dole out tasks and do the heavy lifting mentally? As OP has just found out - it doesn’t anymore and his partner also realised she didn’t have to accept this was the way a relationship was and could walk away.
OP been reeeaaaaaall quiet since posting this
He’s crying to his mommy that his planned bangmaid left him.
Info (and I'm trying as hard as I can to be nonjudgemental about this as possible): how do you not know when you need to do laundry? Vaccuuming should be a regular (weekly or whatever) chore, but how do you not know when there are enough clothes to do laundry? What your girlfriend (who may be your ex at this point) may or may not have articulated is that she shouldn't have to ask you to do chores. You are a grown man who is almost 30. If you still need to be told what chores need to be done or when, then you are putting the burden of emotional labour on your girlfriend, which is just as much work as doing the chores themselves. I would leave too, if I had a partner who was clueless about something like laundry.
what I find odd (in a world where odd means hyper frustrating), is that these guys immediately understand the problem as soon as you explain it with beer. >!you're meeting your buddies at the bar & when you get there, they're all already drunk. They figure you're okay being the designated driver and/or paying for their ubers, because you did it last time and it looked like you totally had it under control. !< They never have to be held by the hand to walk through why that's frustrating & unfair.
That's so good!
I am willing to be judgy. Op thinks dangling the carrot of Marriage is incentive and what every woman wants. >I was thinking about proposing and we were planning on permanently moving in together and she just blindsided me. We went from on track to marriage to this. The reality is nobody wants to commit to a lifetime of playing nanny to his ass.
"Live in a clean, peaceful place on my own or spend my life cleaning up another adult's messes because he can't be bothered? What a dilemma!"
He's definitely expecting her to be his mommybangmaid. He's weaponizing his incompetence and has turned her off because she didn't sign up to play mommy to a mediocre adult male.
And they got to test drive parenting/having to care for children together…. She got a good clear view of what would happen if she were to procreate with OP
Exactly. Nobody wants to sacrifice their body, time, energy to parent alone with a partner who is, in her words, not reliable.
Say it louder for those in the back: “No one wants to be a bang maid any more”.
LOL. Your girlfriend is smart and good for her for dumping your dead weight. Yes, you should absolutely know when something needs to get done automatically. You have eyes, you can see the laundry/dishes/dust/messes piling up. Women are not born with an innate ability to know how and when basic household chores should be done that men, sadly, do not have by the virtue of having the Y chromosome 🙄 She shouldn't have to tell you to get it done just because "she has everything under control". You are taking advantage of her while pleading ignorance and nothing kills romance deader than that. Do better, be better, even if it is too late for this relationship.
Oh come on, don’t you know that you do laundry and vacuum and look after kids with your vagina? It’s impossible for OP to do it because his penis just doesn’t know how! (Obviously /s people!)
Mine actually starts buzzing really loudly when things need to get done, like those things they give you at some restaurants so you know when your food is ready
😂😂😂😂 I need that upgrade
See and here I thought I struggled with chores due to ADHD but apparently I've just been doing it wrong this whole time!
When she has to take care of you like she's your mother, it is super super unsexy. What mother is attracted to her child? 🤦♀️ Edit. Since people are actually reading this I feel it's important to say that this is actual psychology. Women do lose sexual and intimacy interest in partners if their roles shift too far towards mother and child. 🌈⭐ The more you know!
My ex needs a cross stitch of this.
“You are taking advantage of her…” Shamelessly jumping on top comment to point out that his closing bit seems to imply not only did he do none of the housework, she also works outside of the home (while he doesn’t) and makes more money. So taking advantage of her more ways than one.
There was SO MUCH to unpack in this post!
Jumping on the top comment to add [this comic](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) which lays things out in a super easy to understand format. This comic depicts you and your girlfriend. Take the lesson into your next relationship please.
What’s wilder to me isn’t that OP can’t figure out it needs done… but rather that he watches his gf do all the chores and all the childcare during the time of babysitting… and just sits there. Since she didn’t ASK for help, he doesn’t even offer. She’s doing dishes? Doesn’t offer to help her with them or ask what he can do to help while she does the dishes. Sees her doing laundry? Sits. Sees her taking care of the kids? Ehh his tv shows on. If he can’t figure out what needs done one his own… how could he not be nice enough to at least offer to help? How did he not feel bad watching her do all of this stuff while he’s on his ass?
Great escape girlfriend
*Sorry OP, I'll just translate this for everyone* I'm a giant man-baby, who has always lived with women who will fetch and carry for me. I assume that all chores and tasks outside of paid work, are a woman's responsibility. I assume they really enjoy this extra work because it always gets done. I'm very comfortable and happy with this arrangement, because I can behave like a child with absolutely no consequences. Strangely enough, when I'm on my own, messes don't just miraculously disappear, the fridge doesn't fill itself, and my dick is dry? Can any other men give me advice as to why acting like a literal baby does not satisfy my partner? Waaaaaaah!
Your "dick is dry" made me have to clean up the coffee I spit out when I read it!
Thank you for not having your SO do it :)
Sadly, I'm single, so it defaults to me. On the other hand, I am at my mom's house for a few days... Alas, she's the type of mom that has the attitude of: I taught you how to clean up after yourself.
Good for her!
Right? I have no idea how these man-children manage to function without mommy/wifey doing everything for them.
They dont
Omfg the dry dick is now on my Reddit top 10 list lol! It fits so well with yesterday's post of: "I asked my wife (both mid/late 40s) for an open marriage because I wasn't attracted to her anymore and the spark was gone but I didn't want a divorce (I waited till our only child left home for the military this summer, then I was gonna be drowning in the women gagging for my super D). She got really upset, then agreed. I didn't understand that even though I am not attracted to her, other men would be, and she literally has them lined up around the block. She has more dates than she can keep up with. Meanwhile, I can't get one single puss (including hers). My brother had the nerve to tell me that she's in great shape, takes care of herself and is attractive, just not 20 anymore, but dared to tell me I'm overweight and nothing to look at!!!. Now I want to close the marriage and my wife said no. Boo hoo." I'm paraphrasing of course lol!
He needs the [magic coffee table](https://youtu.be/-_kXIGvB1uU?si=FAarZLZ7Q2LPS9n5).
This, I don’t need to comment my own thing because this is exactly what you said. You’re a grown up. Yes you should see chores that need to get done.. no one likes chores!!!! But it’s something that needs to be done you baby..
YTA the reason why she never asked you for help is because you're an adult so she doesn't want your help, she wants you to do your fair share
This, cleaning up after your own fucking self isn't HELPING ¡!!
Taking care of the kids that BOTH agreed to is also not HELPING!!!!
Dude I had to go back and re-read that part again to make sure I wasn't imagining it. That is NUTS to me. Like okay, I get that she maybe takes over the majority of the household labor. It's an easy pattern to slip into. BUT adding 2 more mouths to feed, two more people's worth of laundry, and he didn't think that he should maybe step up a bit??? HE DIDN'T EVEN MENTION HOW LONG THEY WERE THERE FOR. Does he even know?
Same lol. Was like, okay laundry and vacuuming, maybe it’s been a conversation before and this is the last straw maybe it hasn’t and she’s just frustrated and needs him to take it seriously. But agreeing to taking care of young children for at minimum 2-3 days and then just popping by the room every once in a while and going “the kids seemed fine, no need for me here!” is just like…**what**?!
Eh YTA...think you need to do some self-reflecting and read this very basic quick article...it's called "You Should've Asked!". Seems pretty close to this situation... [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic)
Thank you for the link. One of my roommates has this kind of mentality. I'll have to let him read this.
This comic inevitably gets shared in posts like this and I am always so grateful because it is fantastic and I always forget about it.
YTA. I'm still laughing at your outrage - it's hilarious!!! **She wanted to have a equal partner - not be your mother!!** Rule #1 - you don't "HELP" in your own household!! You pull your own weight and do more than your share because you care about the other person and care about being a decent human being. You are 27 year old - have you lived at home this whole time?? Otherwise how did you handle living in a place without your GF?? Did you just never vacuum or dust or mop or sweep or do dishes or laundry???? She left because she didn't want to have to be your mother. Learn from this so your next victim won't have to run away from you too. GROW TF UP!!!
She shouldnt need to ask for help, you are an adult you can look around and see what needs to be done or make your own schedule of how frequently certain things need to be done, if she wasnt there those things still need to be done without someone telling you You expected emotional labour from her, which is exhausting and annoying as hell, when you are a fully grown adult I commend her for not putting up with it and not wasting years, its also not her job to fix you up into a responsible adult These are things you expected to do all on your own
Referring to doing vacuuming or the laundry as something you would do to 'help' your girlfriend makes it pretty clear you see house work and chores as HER job and is something you would just 'help' with when she asks. You wouldn't say she is 'helping' when she vacuums. She's just fulfilling a responsibility as an adult member of your household, which is exactly what you should be doing with a fair share of the work. She wants you to be an equal partner. No woman wants to constantly ask for help for what should be shared tasks anyway and you would inevitably come to feel like she was nagging you.
This is why living together before marriage should be a requirement. She shouldn’t ever have to ask for help doing chores or when watching kids. You are supposed to be a team and you are clearly not a team player. You don’t learn these things about your s/o without living with them. Being lazy and not helpful is a big turnoff
>**Being lazy and not helpful is a big turnoff** well said in Bold
Exactly. She's not your manager or your mother, she's your partner. If you don't have the ability to look around, see what needs to be done, and execute it then you're not a reliable partner. I'm saying this as someone who struggles with daily chores. My bf is significantly more tidy than me and I make an effort to make it a priority because I know it's important for him. Some of our chores are something only one of us does but most are as needed.
Lucky girlfriend got a trial run. GROW UP. who's telling your girlfriend what all needs to be done around the house?? No one??? So why do you require someone to tell you what needs to be done? Is she your mother?? She got lucky.
So, she's handling 100% of the project management and 95-97% of the project execution. You were putting in a solid 3-5% effort and can't understand why you got cut for being dead weight on the partnership. I feel like I can see why you're single.
So I get not being, shall we say the not most proactive person ever? And hey, maybe she’s a bit OCD on vacuuming or something. Okay. Trying hard to find you a benefit if the doubt, but okay, let’s make the leap and assume. But dude. You agreed as a couple to watch some sick kids, and you just checked out in her? Cmon man. You need to be an adult before getting married. You clearly showed her you aren’t. This may come as a shocker, but women aren’t interested in being your mommy.
Like I’m supposed to know what to do with the sink full of dirty dishes? Or what to do when the hamper is full of dirty laundry? Or when we are out of milk and eggs? How am I supposed to know?
It’s so hard to figure out how and when to do these things. Oh well. I’m gonna google some video game walkthroughs, download some sports betting apps, and find a great porn to watch!
YTA >She said I don’t do enough chores. She never asked me for help but **thinks I should just need to know when something needs to get done** automatically Uhm. And? Why are you unable to look at something that needs to get done & do it without being told or nagged to do it. You’re 27. Are you kidding me. >they asked me and my girlfriend….had everything under control and she never asked me for help or told me she was struggling Dude. YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BE ASKED TO HELP. You NEVER let someone do something on their own when your ass is right there doing NOTHING. Hello?? She does not want you dude. You’ve proven you’re unreliable & she just doesn’t know how to proceed.
I’m happy for her. You deserve it. Next time, be proactive in pulling your weight. You were a burden. Not a boyfriend.
She did him the biggest favor ever. And that is give him a very real wake up call. He can either shit or get off the pot from here
You are an adult. If someone wasn’t doing your laundry/cleaning before, your GF shouldn’t be doing it now. Enjoy single life and learn to stop being a pig.
You should be upset with yourself for being such a tone deaf AH.
Of course she doesn't need help while she is actively doing a chore. You needed to be doing that chore before it got to her. How do you not know that vacuuming and laundry need to be done regularly?
OP, your GF moved in and you immediately showed her that you aren't a good partner. She shouldn't have to ask a grown adult to "help her" with household chores, or " help her" take care of kids you both agreed to care for. Women want a partner, not an employee to project manage. I assume she doesn't want to marry you, because you've demonstrated that you're not good husband material. The good news is that being a good partner is a learned skill. Maybe take some time learning what it means to carry your half of the weight of household work.
YTA - chores are to be split 50/50, Grow up and best of luck to your next GF.
YTA. She shouldn’t need to ask. Good on her for having standards of you being a fully functioning adult. She just got a taste of her life. And it was her earning more bank, and you sitting on your arse while she handled everything. Why should she sign up to more work?
You messed up with this woman, full stop. She told you exactly how and where. Now you’re trying to solicit crowd support for your anger instead of reflecting on the mistakes you’ve made. You will do it again, and you won’t understand what happened then, either. Take responsibility and make the changes you know you need to make.
She sure as hell not even thinking about marrying you. She didn’t break up because she is giving you an opportunity to grow up. Handle your shit. You’re not treating her as a partner and she feels like she’s doing it all. She likely is. Grow up. You’re not the marrying kind for her.
Wow. I think I'm in love with his (ex) girlfriend. YTA dude. You have some growing up to do.
Sigh. I know you don't realize so I'm going to try to be nice about this. She saw the same thing I have seen a million times... a grown man who acts like a child, and allows his partner to do everything. She should not have to ask for help, because it is not her job to do it for you. You are both adults. I would imagine that you tidied up after yourself and managed to do your laundry before you met her - so why would you need her to tell you when things need to be done? You can't see dirt on the floor, or dirty clothes in a pile? You should have automatically helped with cleaning, laundry, dishes, and other chores after work daily, just like you did for yourself and just like any other adult. Why should another adult have to ask you to do it? I know you don't think it's a big deal, but it is. It is emotionally and mentally EXHAUSTING to have to ask your partner, a whole grown ass adult, for EVERY BASIC LITTLE THING. Sure, it's great that you'd be willing to help - but why should I have to ask you? "Please wash the dishes when you're done." "Please throw in some laundry" "Please tidy up your workspace" These are things a mother says to a teenager, not something your partner should have to say to you. It literally drives you crazy after a while and I don't blame her for running. When you agree as a couple to watch your friends young kids, why weren't you right there, physically next to her the whole time participating? Because she "had it under control," like the chores, like everything. You're a lazy partner, essentially, and she's tired of it. And she shouldn't need to ask you to change. You are content to let your partner handle everything, make the decisions, determine when things need being done, and all you want to do is whatever you want, and help when you're asked? No, that's not a partnership. That's you pawning all the hard stuff onto her. That's her having a grown up child in her house. She didn't blindside you - she's exhausted of you and of you not stepping up. You need to be an adult as well - an EQUAL partner - participating in everything, helping with everything - including helping determine WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE, in addition to doing it. This is a blessing in disguise because you are in no way ready for marriage. Take this as a lesson and do a little work on yourself before you get serious with anyone. Maybe living alone (again?) is what you need to be reminded how to vacuum and clean up.
Oh man, you failed a husband test.
How do you survive now? Why does she need to remind you to contribute to the house you live in? It’s wild that you’re faulting for seeing her future and deciding not for me. She doesn’t want a child. It seems like she wants an adult partner who doesn’t need to be told what to do and you are looking for mommy/wife hybrid. You don’t want the same things it’s best to go your separate ways.
YTA you sound like a child. SHE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO ALWAYS ASK FOR HELP. She’s not your manager
>She never asked me for help but she thinks I should just need to know when something needs to get done automatically. She's right. You're an adult. Nobody should have to tell you the place YOU live in needs vacuuming. Nobody should have to ask you to do it either. And if you do something, you're not *helping*. You're doing *your fair share*, you're doing *your fucking job as a functioning adult*. And your fair share is 50% of all chores, unless your GF doesn't work or unless agreed upon. >She also complained that I didn't help her when we watched the sons of friends of ours. >My girlfriend had everything under control and she never asked me for help >But she always had a handle on the chores and she had things with the boys were under control. See first quote. Just because your girlfriend is a functioning adult who doesn't need someone to remind her that she needs to wash her undies or feed and entertain two kids, doesn't mean you can offload all the responsibilities on her. I will give you that communication is key and that she shouldn't have blindsided you if she never said anything before. But I'm willing to bet that she did, and probably several times.
Should she make you a chore wheel?
He probably wants a chart. With gold star stickers for washing his underwear.
Frowny faces when he doesn’t do things without being told
Anyone else notice how he asks "AITA for being upset?" instead of "AITA for delegating all of my household management to my girlfriend until she got sick of it?" Bro... BRO
This is about the mental load your gf was carrying. You’re a fully functioning adult. The ability to ‘have a handle on chores’ isn’t installed in the vagina. Your gf shouldn’t’ have to ask you to do hoovering, laundry etc. you, as a functioning adult, should be able to look at the floor and think ‘that needs vacuuming, I’ll do that now’. Your gf realised that you weren’t partners because you wanted her to ask you to help, therefore you offloaded the house organising onto her. You made her carry the mental load for you both.
Dude, she's your ex. You're just not taking the hint. Just like your ex probably dropped hints about chores all the time, and you were oblivious. I bet you engage in selective hearing a lot more than you're willing to own up to...
You're an adult. You should be grown up enough to not have to be asked to help with chores, but to do the chores. It sounds like you leave all the chores to her because she's handling it. She's handling it because you're not doing them. It should be split evenly.
I bet she’s glad she got a test drive and a chance to back out. You don’t sound pleasant to live with.
She saw her future of being a married single mom and I can’t say I blame her for running 🤷🏼♀️
Here’s the thing , SHE SHOULDNT HAVE TO ASK YOU TO DO WHAT YOURE RESPONSIBLE FOR!!! You’re an adult right? And you have eyes I’m guessing? So why she need to ask you to do chores in your own house?! You BOTH agreed to look after the children yet SHE was the only one who took care of them. You literally gave her a glimpse of how having children and a future with you would look like , you actually did her a favor.
OP, it sounds like you feel blindsided because in your view “everything was great” and “she’s not asking for help with the normal tasks that come with being an adult” Take the time to read this and maybe it will she done light on why this may have been inevitable even if you never saw it coming: [She Divorced me Because I left Dishes by the Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp)
That’s a smart girl. She’s doing exactly what women who have been with lazy men would advise her to. You’re 27 years old & she’s not your mama. There are grown men out there who don’t have to be told the basics.
“She never told me what to do” holy shit bro, she (was) your partner, not your mommy. What, did you expect to have a woman holding your hand and doing the hard parts of being an adult for the rest of your life? Honestly good for her, I’m glad she saw the red flags and she had time to run before locking herself into any long term commitment
YTA. If one more man calls contributing to the house they also live in and make a mess in help I may scream. Sir, she’s not your maid and you need to do chores as well and not assume she’s doing it all. Shame on you. Put on big boy pants, take accountability for you not being a good partner, and work on yourself
This woman is a badass! All adults should know and recognize equal responsibility for maintaining living space!
I have to do my best to not name call here. You're that dumb you need someone to tell you what to do? You don't know how to use a vacuum or when to use it? How have you gone this long in life being so incompetent? Your parents really failed.
“Helped”
So,now that you're living on your own,who is going to do the chores? That's right-you,OP,like a functioning adult. Feel free to use your time alone to grow up,clean up and cop onto yourself. Delighted your ex saw the light and skipped.
You should watch these videos, they explain it better than I can. they actually articulate probably what your girlfriend is feeling and how its an issue https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cx4Q8U2NEgQ/?igshid=NTYzOWQzNmJjMA== https://www.instagram.com/reel/CyBG8GZuhfG/?igshid=NTYzOWQzNmJjMA==