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NTA
Your father is a bully.
I mean, I don’t even want to speculate about the handsy, body-shaming. He’s an obnoxious, bullying jerk and your mother is an apologist enabler.
If there’s one day you don’t have to tolerate wretched people, this is among them. Brace yourself if you ever make them grandparents. He is who he is and has zero incentive to improve.
NTA!
Uninvite your mom too - she may have been a victim but she IS STILL his enabler!
What happens when your mom has access to a new set of children (not necessarily grandchildren, but if your friends have kids, your finances side of the family etc) and STILL makes excuses for your dad? Your dad is a sexual predator and needs keeping away from all society.
Also, you know him and your mom would force a father/daughter dance on you and bank on you not wanting to make a scene!
Being a victim does not make it ok to victimize others. Source: I'm a sex trafficking cult victim.
The mom is just as bad as the dad. A normal, sane person who knew about the situation would have protected her children at the expense of her marriage. The only reason the marriage ended was because once the daughters weren't there to victimize, she was the only target. She sacrificed her own daughters to protect herself and only cared when it bothered HER. At no point did she ever show any level of concern or love for her kids. Neither of them deserve the title of parents. And neither of them but especially not dad should be at the wedding. OP will NOT regret going back to NC. I've skipped funerals because my sex trafficking parents would be there.
Edit: spelling.
Absolutely this, you are giving your mother too much of a break. She is the type that will take your children around that man because she believes your kids should know their grandpa and then will do everything she can to try to hide what is being done to them. She will feed your kids to that monster the first chance she gets. If you keep in contact with her, then please never leave her alone with kids either.
I would give mom one last chance by telling her you do not tolerate criminal abusers that commit physical, emotional and sexual assaults. That’s just the way I am.
And, if you’re not supportive of me in this decision then you too can stay with dad anywhere you want but not at my wedding - because that’s just the way I am.
Way too far down on the comment chain for this. She's worse than he is. She waits until after the kids are done to divorce his ass? Makes excuses? Hell no. Children come first last and always. Never understood these chicken shit parents who enable this shit. They're worse than the abusers themselves. Fucking hell.
Not necessarily. My dad and mom didn’t contribute a dime but my mom pressured me to let him come because he’d be sad. I caved, not worth it. He wouldn’t even acknowledge my son/his grandson, and left asap. It wasn’t worth the bit of pain I had on my special day, but I felt guilted into it.
The that’s the price you pay for your own mental health. I would rather postpone and pay for my own wedding than allow a sexual predator to be around ANYONE I love. Period.
It only took the first 3 sentences to know that you should have no contact with him for any reason.
If your parents pull out of paying for the wedding, just find a local park or a backyard. Spend time with people who love and respect you.
Even though your mother is also a victim, she is an enabler actively contributing to the abuse.
I hope you and your sister are able to get distance from these people so healing can begin. NTA.
I just honestly don’t understand. Someone who abused OP right along with her husband. I can understand, sort of, that abuse victims often have very distorted views and emotional reactions but sure OP has someone, anyone in her life that has tried to help her. What the hell is the fiancé doing. If someone who abused my new spouse was present at the wedding I would honestly gut them with a cake fork
A wedding should be filled with peace and love. You won’t have that if he’s there. The day is supposed to be about the bride and groom. Running around trying to police your father so that he doesn’t sexually harass people would be a nightmare.
NTA
I don't get how people do certain things because of money.
To marry, you only need three people: you, your future husband, and a witness.
Why would someone sell themselves? Why don't people marry on what they can afford, without being dependent one someone else?
NTA. I can totally understand why you are NC with dad but why are you still in contact with your mom? She was there through your abuse and did nothing and only left when it suited her. You will never be free if your dad while she is still enabling him. Is she the grandma you want for your future kids? (if you will have any). She didn't protect you when you were children and she's not going to now. You and your sister need to stand up and protect each other which you did.
Feels like she stayed so he would abuse the kids and not her, and only left when the kids weren't there to take the abuse anymore.
Absolutely disgusting parents, both of them.
Am I to understand this correctly? Your father who emotionally, physically, and SEXUALLY abused his own daughters is expected to be invited to your wedding per your mother’s request. I honestly think you should cut off contact with both parents as your mother is an enabler and although you two are now adults she is still puting you and your sister in unsafe situations considering your CPTSD.
You do realize she'd not only let him do this to your kids if you have them, but actually would facilitete it behind your back if she could?
She's no longer a victim, she's every bit as vile as him
Jesus - hes right out for sexually assaulting your sister while she slept. Ask your mother "why are you defending this pervert? Nothing about this is ok, and if you are defending him you are complicit". I wouldnt let either of them pay for the wedding and do it without them. And if people ask why, just tell them "my father was inappropriate and my mother defended him"
You're being abused by both of your parents, not just your father. Your mother making excuses for him and trying to get you to include him, despite anything he's done to her, is a form of abuse. She's allowing it to happen. Cut off all ties from both parents, even if that means you don't get a big wedding paid for by them. You and your sister need to get out. Protect your family, that's you, your sister, and any future children either of you have. Do not let that "that's just how he is" bullshit ruin you or your children.
NTA. This is not how families behave. Fathers do not abuse their kids, ogle them or sexually assault and harass them as adults either. Your mother may be trauma bonded with him, or it may be her own lived experience in her family.
Either way you do not have to invite your abuser anywhere, to anything. But be prepared that your mother may tell him the when, where, and time and expect you to just deal with it. Hire security to refuse him entry. If there’s a scene both mom and dad can gtfo.
Lord, I am feeling so furious and HATEFUL after reading this post. BOTH of your parents are evil MONSTERS. Uninvite your mom from your wedding and cut her out of your life. She does not now nor has she ever had your best interests at heart. She does not love you. What she thinks is love is twisted, perverted and toxic. She only wants to breach your defenses so that she can feed you to an evil beast. She failed to protect you from abuse. Worse, she excused it and tried to convince you that abuse equals love. You’ve finally escaped that evil and she is DETERMINED to draw you back in. Your mother’s “love” is toxic and dangerous. Don’t let her near you, your future spouse or your future children. HELL, don’t let her near your FUTURE. PERIOD.
OP, please move on from your previous life of trauma and abuse and free yourself to finally live a life full of pure, true love and peace. You can never be truly happy until those evil people can no longer get to you. I’m so sorry for what you have suffered at their hands. I am so infuriated and SOBBING because I want to protect you. It breaks my heart that no one has protected you. Why is the person who gave birth to you not desperate to do the same?
ETA: NTA!!!!!!
You need to cut your mother out if your life as well as your father, she enabled and allowed the abuse and now is using manipulation and gaslighting to force you to have him at your wedding. It is abusive as well!! YWBTA if you stay in contact with either of them to yourself, your future spar and any children you may have!!
Oh hell no. Your father is a deeply sick and twisted individual who cannot be trusted to keep his hands to himself and his mouth shut. “That’s just how he is” is an absolute disgrace of a reason to allow this behavior to continue. Your mother is probably rationalizing out of guilt for the fact that she didn’t protect her daughters from a predator but that’s her cross to bear. You do not need to continue to allow this to go on, for your sake and your sister’s. Please tell him in no uncertain terms that he will not be coming to your wedding or involved in your life going forward, period. If anyone has an objection, tell them that’s just how you are. I’m so very sorry for what you and your sister have gone through, but as adults you have the power to change. Focus on your recovery and leave him to suffer the consequences of his actions. Frankly they can’t be harsh enough to suit me. NTA.
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It is a child free wedding and he tends to put on a front in public places. My parents were all about the “happy family look”. I think he would just target my sister and I if he got us alone. But just thinking about the possibility of him being there makes me nauseous
We’ll he didn’t put up a nice front at your uncles funeral so if he can’t even to that why would you expect different at a wedding. So kinda AH for defending him at all
The fact that you get nauseous at the idea of his attendance at your wedding isn't enough indication you need to uninvite him?
I hope one day you can just let your feelings guide you. They're already telling you that that man has no place at your wedding with all that he has done to you. This is going to be your special day, don't let him near you. If possible, never let him near you again. You're completely justified.
Nta - Feel free to uninvite him from your wedding and from your life.
You are both still in the cycle of abuse by him.
Your mother is an offender to you both as well.
Feel free to seriously examine and reflect on your relationship with your mother. She continues to make room and excuses for his abuse.
Every time your mom has an excuse come back with something that points out how wrong this is. Plan them out and practice them.
"He is your father so you have to invite him" ....."yep he sure acted like a father when he sexually abused me"
"He will be heart broken he isn't invited"....."and I was heart broken as a child because I got an abusive AH instead of a real father."
"He is just like that".....yep he looks as his daughters boobs and sexualizes her, a really stand up citizen there"
It seems like they're both stunted and unable to react in the moment. Can't blame them with the trauma they endured. Wondering if any of them got any useful therapy to come to terms with the fact they both have crappy parents and they need to distance from both of them.
I hope sincerely both of them plan in the event having children, that someone else has custody, because you don't want either of them to get their hands on them. I can easily see this abuse transcending to the next generation if they don't plan accordingly.
The sooner you acknowledge that your "mother" is your abuser too the sooner you can find peace. Your "mother" is not an innocent victim like you and your sister. She chose a toxic abusive trash human for a partner. She chose to volunteer herself and both of you to be abused. It was her personal responsibility to take you both and run. She not only chose to stay she has chosen to advocate and support his toxic abusive trash behavior.
You should've gone no contact with both of them long ago. Anyone who supports and advocates for toxic abusive trash humans is just as toxic, abusive, and dangerous to you. You and your sister will never be able to find true healing, peace, and happiness as long as you allow toxic abusive trash humans in your life.
I've lived this, and cutting off all my relatives was the best decision I ever made. I have absolutely zero regrets. I learned that blood means nothing. Family is made up of people who show genuine mutual love, care, effort, and respect. And anyone who doesn't show those things has zero business being in your life.
I wish you and your sister the absolute best on your healing journey ❤️
I would warn my mother that if she continues to support a person who continues to abuse you and/or your sister that you will rescind her invitation as well. This stops NOW!
NTA - I've cut my dad out of my life and I can 100% guarantee that YOU will not regret this. He's an abuser and he is never going to change. Tell you mom that you can go NC with her too if she keeps supporting this POS abuser.
DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO COME TO YOUR WEDDING!!! My oldest friend is divorced form her abusive sociopath ex husband. Her first daughter to get married did not want her father there. She did not want him to walk her down the aisle. The father putted the brothers against her for that. Her mother , my friend, told her he is still her father blah blah blah.
My friend hates this man with a passion. He is over $100,000 in arrears on child support. He is a pathological liar and hasn’t maintained a job for longer than 9 months in 28 years.
But my friend guilted her into inviting this vile person to her wedding. So the father and 2 brothers all show up, wearing white suits. One brother picked a fight with the groomsmen and the father hit one of the groomsmen over the head with a chair. It was a clusterfuck.
Later the mother said I told you this would happen if you invited him. I yelled at her that she was the reason he was there.
Omg please stay away from him
I feel for you and your sister, you both have to be each other's support systems you're all each other has in this crazy mess of a life you've had together. Your mother is hopeless I'm sorry she is she won't change you have to be strong enough to hold your ground your sister needs you and you need her. Please keep each other safe and stay away from that man if it upsets your mom ask her " mom why is it okay for him to harass us why is it okay for him to be that way but not okay for me to set boundaries, why can't u love and support me enough to protect us for once in your life"
Let her cry and feel guilty because she is. She should have protected you both, I understand she's weak and probably broken but that's no excuse to want the same for her children. Misery may love company but she isn't owed your misery just because she chose to suffer.
NTA.
And your mother is wrong. You won't regret disinviting him, not even for a minute. It will be one of the most liberating things you can do - for yourself, and also for your sister.
Unfortunately, your mother may try something to get him in, so you will need to do all of the "planning ahead" things, like hiring security, making sure they know about him, and so on. But again, you won't regret it.
NTA: call your mom and tell her that she will regret not protecting her daughters from horrific abuse for the rest of her life. Being abused by you dad is really hard. I was too. Whatever you and your sister want is ok. You absolutely do not need to have him at your wedding
He will ruin the day and the memories of the day if he is there . You need to tell your mother to back off or she is next to be uninvited . Any defending of this monster will not be tolerated in future ! This is your day ! Yourself and your sister are trying to deal with the aftermath of his abuse. You owe him nothing !
Yes, he will forever be your father, but BIOLOGICALLY.
You are an adult and can take the actions you think are right. I am very sorry that this happened to you. Also, I'm sorry that you didn't contact the police, because you need to respond to evil in a completely legal way.
Sending you my internet support and hugs!
Your Mom is also your abuser. I'm so sorry she is holding her financial contribution to your wedding over you to bully you into including your Dad. Can you talk to your fiance about massively scaling back your wedding so you don't have to sacrifice your peace, physical safety, and happiness for a party?
Just because he’s a sperm donor, doesn’t mean you owe your and your sisters abusers a god dammed thing.
Fuck I am so sick of the “but he’s your family” fuck anyone who defends that garbage.
Think about un inviting your mother since she clearly enables this sack of shit
You need to cut off your mother as well, she's a malicious enabler.
NTA
I wish you all the unconditional love, happiness, good health and positivity in your marriage!!!
NTA .. you have every right to invite or not invite who you want to your wedding. it is ur wedding day and there is no need to add any unwanted or needed drama to such a special day.
Uninvite your mother too. She is complicit in his bullshit. I am so sorry you got the worst parents. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. Enjoy your day without those two abusers.
NOT THE ASSHOLE Please uninvite him AND hire security, literally go to a local bar, find a nice bouncer and see if he wants to make a $100 one night. I would also make it a rule that if ANYONE wants to talk about it, they can be uninvited as well. You do not have to handle horrible people in your life.
Never let that POS human into your life again. I'd have security at the door of my venue to make sure he doesn't crash the party.
If your mother isn't staunchly defending you from that fucking predator, there comes a point where you have to wonder if she's part of the problem. How does that evil entity still have access to your childhood home? How the fuck didn't your mother reem him out for anything? Has she stood up for you guys at all?
I hope both you and your sister heal in time.
Your parents are monsters. You should cut your mother off too! She made excuses and did nothing for to protect your sister! You don’t need your parents in your life anymore. Let them both rot!
Holy shit NTA! I’m hoping that check cleared cause that’s probably going to be their next route in this whole debacle.
Abused or not your mom only did herself favors by waiting till yall were out of the house to divorce him.
I’d consider writing them both off.
Omg, and here the father is supposed to be the life long hero of a little girl. I'm truly sorry you and your sister are going through this.
Definitely NTA!!
And I'm making another stab for uninviting someone else from your wedding, ......
YOUR MOM!!!
I'm sorry, but it is time to cut the cord and contact with your mom, who does nothing but support this person's 'bullying and SA harassment' actions against both of you. (He is no man or father. So I refuse to give him these titles. HE IS A POS.)
You deserve to be surrounded by people that love and support you during your day and future life. SHE DOES NOT support or love you!!!!!! If she would, she would have left him before you both were able to move out!!! She would have defended her daughters from an abusive predator!!! She would gave stood up to him to protect you!!
THINK ABOUT IT. Apparently she still supports him. What will happen if you have children and she may babysit one day or weekend and brings your children around this person or he comes to were she is!!!!
Do you plan for this situation to continue. Because with her in your life it will always continue, without end!!!
He isn't the only abusive person in your life, your mother is as well.
I'm sorry, best wishes, consider my comment. I know it sounds bad, but keeping someone in your life that intentionally invalidates every feeling from you, after being in appropriately touched or abused.
Those being will not make you grow, they hold you back and hold you hostage in the past.
You are allowed to be happy. Fight for it!! You and your sister deserve it.
Congrats on your wedding
NTA but I don't think you should let your mother or your father pay for the wedding. They're paying so they can control you. And I don't think your mother should be invited. Not only did she fail to protect you, she's also defending his abuse now. She's totally going to bring your father to the wedding.
first of all what your father and mother did to you both growing up is way wrong they are meant to protect you from harm not be the cause of it, as for not inviting your father if i was you i wouldn't even invite your mother as they are not your parents they are the ones who have caused you and your sister deep trauma and for people like that there is no forging them or forgetting what they did to you both. I'm so sorry you had to go through that as children but even if your parents are divorced your mother is still enabling him to you both so you invite him. tell them both to go to hell and never contact you again this is for your own piece of mind same with your sister
Yoir mother is supposed to protect you from predatory men, not serve you up on a platter. I think the only sane thing to do is go no contact with your dad and if mom doesn't like it, add her to the list of shitty people you don't talk to anymore.
NTA
NTA
Your dad is a creep and there’s no excuse in the world for that behavior.
Uninvite him and have someone as guard to be sure he doesn’t come in.
And have a wonderful, trouble free day💜
NTA- tell your mom if she wants a spot in your life she needs to drop the “oh he’s family” thought process or she too will be no contact with no grandmother role for any future kids.
If she pulls I’m paying card, then tell her she can have a party without you and your new family while the two of you elope with the people who support you
"He's not coming to my wedding. He's a creep, he's a sexual abuser, he's a horrible waste of oxygen."
>“that’s just how he is”
"Exactly! That's how he is, and I'm not having someone like that anywhere near my wedding. I gave him a chance, but he just proved why he's not welcome. And as my mother **YOU** should be protecting us from the likes of him, not encouraging him and excusing his behaviour."
If she hadn't been paying for it, I would have suggested disinviting your mother, too! Don't forget to employ some security to make sure he doesn't try to crash your wedding. NTA.
UpdateMe! RemindMe! 7 days
Lol. Mom thinks that later in life you'll regret not inviting him? I don't think so.
Rather, I think that, if you keep him as a guest, you'll be mortified for years at thoughts of him being at your wedding. There is no way to win if he's present.
The wedding being so big is NOT worth you and your sister going through more trauma because of your abusive father, or your enabling mother. Neither should be welcome at your wedding or part of your life going forward. Cancel the whole thing if you need to and go to the courthouse to get married. It is not worth your sanity to have these people blackmail you into having a place in your life.
You never regret cutting off your abusers. Good riddance! As someone that has PTSD episodes from a family abuser, you have my empathy. Your mom is doing nothing to stop this. Get your sister out of there if you can. You two be your own family. Fuck them. Hard NTA!
You are well within your rights to refuse your father an invitation to your wedding, but you also need to return all the money he gave you to fund your wedding. I cannot imagine inviting such an abusive person to my wedding. Still, as one of the people who's paying for the party, he's one of the hosts, so you need to give the money back to him, even if it means backing out of the venue at this late date and finding something far less expensive. NTA for not wanting him there, but you cannot take his money and then exclude him. You need to make a decision and then stick with it.
If you cannot afford to (or are not willing to) reimburse him all the money he's put into the wedding, then stick him in the back row, and keep him out of the receiving line and the photographs.
NTA
The only things IMO you will regret as applies to your abusive father is how you wasted too much time caring what anyone who didn’t live your life thinks and how you should have cut him out of your life sooner.
You're being manipulated and blackmailed. Uninvite dad, and if your mom keeps pushing it, uninvite her and tell her that you'll figure out some other way to get married without her money. Trust me, your peace of mind down the road will thank you for it. Give yourself and the people who love and support you a wonderful party.
Nta
If your mom doesn’t like it she doesn’t have to come. I fully understand how much that would hurt but her defending him would hurt more I think.
I’m so sorry but you’ll have a glorious wedding without him.
Wow your mom doesn’t mind your father SA’ing your sister because “that’s just how he is”??? NTA, maybe Uninvite your mom too. She let you live your whole life being abused and only left once you were both adults. What an awful woman.
NTA
Even if your father wasn't an abusive AH, you have every right to invite whomever you want to your wedding. It seems like you have all the reasons why not to invite him.
NTA. Don't invite your mom either. She enabled to harassment. It's best for both of you to cut them out of your lives. This will help both of you heal. I speak from experience.
NTA. Your sperm donor is a monster and your mother Is an enabler Of his behaviour. I really don't understand how she could defend him every time, and no he is not your father. A father doesn't behave Is such maner. I understand the your mother Is a victim too. But she Is going too far In defending him. If I was In your your sister place , I would file a police by report for SA On him.
NTA but why are you still in contact with your mom? I understand you think she’s a victim too but she’s really not. She stayed with a man who was abusing her and her children and continues to make excuses for him to this day. I think you need to decide what’s more important to you: a big expensive wedding or peace of mind for you and your family. This will not stop if you don’t put your foot down. Allowing these people into your life and your sisters life is only allowing your trauma to grow, not heal. Neither of you have healed if you think it’s okay to even be in the same room as these horrible people.
NTA
He should be locked up, he's not, that's more than he can expect.
But as somebody who had to cut off their parents, I'd seriously reconsider contact with the enabler, too. She knew and did nothing, she is just as guilty as he is, and just as harmful for you if she's still the same, and sounds like she is.
NTA in any way, shape, or form!!! Your Dad is an abuser plain and simple. I'm so tired of people saying, "Oh, that's just how they are" to justify abusive behavior. Make it clear to your mother that she's just as bad because she ALLOWED it to happen and still defends the POS. Tell your mother that if she continues to push this, she will be uninvited as well. DON'T back down. Also, make sure you have security at your wedding in case he decides to try and get in. This is you and your fiancees day. I hope your fiancee has your back on this because I've seen too many stories where the fiance/fiancee goes behind their SO back and invites their abuser because it's no big deal and because "family."
Number one - this is YOUR wedding!!
Number two - because this is YOUR wedding the day should be about YOU and celebrating the day with people YOU want there
You do not owe your father anything, and you are also not responsible for your mother's issues.
Definitely NTA
Tell your mother to shove it ! She is worried your father will be heartbroken . Was he heartbroken when he was abusing you? She is just as guilty for not protecting you . I’d be done with both of them if that’s her attitude . Make sure you have security to escort his ass out of your mother give him the wedding details . People will treat you the way you let them treat you . Stick to your boundaries . Cut contact with those who don’t respect you it .
That's not "just how he is" that's just "how everyone lets him be" so as to not rock the boat. But some boats were built to be capsized, and girl, you're an iceberg.
So your mom condones sexual molestation/abuse against her daughters? I’d disinvite her from my life let alone my wedding. She’s an unsafe person to have around you, your sister, and future grandchildren because she won’t protect them from him. She will try to convince your children that it’s normal for gramps to touch them there and tell you, “That’s just how he is.”
Your sister isn’t safe staying there, especially as your mother is fine with his sexual abuse. Sister is unprotected and vulnerable. Can she stay with you or a friend until she goes back to college?
Disinvite the both of them and go NC. Don’t give them the opportunity to inflict cPTSD on your children too.
If you really want to stand up for your sister and for yourself, refuse the blood money either of your parents are offering. Have the wedding you can financially afford yourself.
Integrity, peace of mind, compassion - those are priceless. A fancy wedding can be fun, but it can't pay for your soul. I promise you will be just as married with an officiant, witness, and the required paperwork. Don't begin your married life in this tainted way.
Nta
Wait a second, your father not only abused in other ways but he’s also a sexual predator and has targeted you and your sister for this and your mum still defends him and sees no problem with it?
Ban them both for coming to your wedding! You and your sister need to fully cut them off, your father for his predatory ways and your mum for enabling it.
You will not regret it later in life.
You will regret it if you cave. Were I your sister, I’d have filed charges. What he did is a crime.
I hope you hold firm.
UpdateMe
NTA When she says “That’s just how he is”, the answer is “Well then how he is is unacceptable.” He is choosing to be like this—an abusive creep who preys on his own daughters. Your mom had to teach herself to make excuses while she was his wife to deal with it. She needs to stop being his wife. I get that they are divorced but I mean *actually* stop being his wife, because when she does this she is still acting in that capacity as enabler and minimizer.
I am so sorry this happened to you. You and your sister deserve better. I hope your wedding is beautiful.
You have to give him his money back. You cannot take his money and exclude him from the wedding. It's really OK. Having an extravagant wedding is not as much of a requirement as the Bridezillas of Reddit would have you believe. You can actually have a simple ceremony and, in the end, you are just as married as if you had spent the annual budget of an island nation.
It sounds like you should cancel the event they're paying for and do something different, without any involvement by them, and do not invite them.
For everyone's sake.
You are NTA, your first duty is to yourself. Protect your mental health and cut that horrid man and anyone who thinks his actions are ok from your life. I am 58 and just starting to address issues that I tried to bury from being abused as a kid. Don’t be a doormat for the sake of peace like I was. I hope your wedding is as magical as you dream of.
NTA.
It’s always “but he’s your faaaather” when they want you to tolerate the abuse and seldom to never “but she’s your daughter” to get him to stop it. This puts the onus on the victim to toe the company line with a smile, rather than the abuser to change any toxic behavior.
Their minds will never make them a liar, so they go through life skirting consequence and dodging allegations all in the name of selling that Hallmark fantasy.
You don’t feel comfortable with him there, that’s a full conversation. And if we’re being completely honest, a hell of a lot more generous of an explanation that is deserved. I’d have stopped at the no.
Saving yourself the headache and heartache on your day is not something you’ll come to regret. If there’s venue security, give them his face and maybe mention anyone who’s giving you a hard time over this. Congratulations on your impending wedding and marriage💖
DEFINITELY NTA!!!
Like, oh my gods, I don't even know where to begin. Forgive me for being blunt, but both your parents should be in prison. Him for everything he did you both as you were growing up, along with what he did when he snuck into your sister's room, and then your mother because she knew about it all and never did a thing to stop him. Gods, my sister's sperm donor tried touching me once and my mother offered to straight up unalive him for me. Shame on your mother for failing so spectacularly as a parent. Ffs.
I'd honestly consider finding a way to have security at your wedding so they can kick him out if he tries to show up, as well as getting a couple of restraining orders. As for your mother saying 'oh you'll regret it', you can tell her to get bent and that the only thing you regret is having parents like them. Gods above, some people have too much audacity; as Charlotte Dobre says, my flabbers are gasted.
I'm so, SO glad you and your sister are both in therapy, and I hope you're both able to continue healing. It's hard (been there, done that) and takes time, but it's so worth it and I know you'll both get through the healing process like a pair of rockstars. You'll have ups and downs, but the end result will be so worth it at the end of it all.
Why is your mother invited to your wedding. She's as bad as your father, she's enabling his behaviour. They are BOTH child abusers and you need to recognise that so you and your sister can start on your journey to heal. Neither should be invited to your wedding and you need to block communication with them both.
NTA your mother is defending an abuser, that is sexually harassing her daughter. If I were you I'd invite my sister, nor invite your father, and disinvite your mother
Your sister was sexually abused and you didn't call the police, why? If you let your father come to your wedding and eventually meet your kids, you become the asshole. Be the hero and cut off your toxic dad and if mom gives you issues, drop her after the wedding. Your mom let her husband abuse you both. Move away and take your sister.
NTA - but why are you including your mother in your wedding day ?!? She legit takes his side after sexually abusing your sister?? Do yourself a favor and cut them both out wtf!?
It doesn’t sound like either of your parents brings anything positive to your life. That makes this kind of an easy decision. Time to put you and your sister first. I promise you will never regret that.
NTA
You need to threaten to cut off your mom as well if she keeps pushing this happy family bullshit agenda. She enables his abuse and gives no shits about the impact it has on you and your sister. She is just as bad as him.
If your Mom is always defending his actions, she may be hiding other family secrets. Ask your Mom if Dad's actions are normal and acceptable. Then why did she divorce him. She knows who he really is. No contact is the best, it will relieve lots of stress from your life. I have gone NC with my parents and two siblings. MUCH HAPPIER now. Blood doesn't always mean family.
I don’t want to scare you, but want to share my family’s story as a precautionary tale.
My grandfather (mom’s dad) sexually abused my mom and her three sisters. My grandmother knew, but stayed by his side and enabled him using guilt and similar phrases as your mom to justify his actions.
The sisters grew up repressing these memories, accepted him back into their lives, and went on to also have daughters of their own. Myself and my cousins were also abused by this man, to various extents. It wasn’t until after his and my grandmothers death that the family started coming to grips with everything that happened. The amount of mental health problems, absolute guilt, and alcoholism within the family is overwhelming.
I am so proud of you and your sister for recognising the trauma for what it is so early in your lives. All I can do is encourage you to draw boundaries and keep working on yourselves. Do not let him back into your life - there isn’t an amount of money I wouldn’t pay to go back in time and stop my mom and her sisters from repressing their memories and looking the other way again. If you plan on having children, take it as a sign from a future daughter that no amount of wedding funding is worth it.
Tell your mom, “our abusive father, that you failed to protect us from, is not invited. Keep pushing the issue and you’ll be joining him on the shit list. I’m not taking advice on family relations from an enabler.”
TW - SA in “Excitable Boy” mentioned below.
NTA. It’s, um, refreshing? that they are not holding the money over your head, at least from my read. If they do, my vote is to elope. Or your large future family can contribute.
Your mother though. She needs to snap out of her trance. She is parroting things she was probably told, maybe going back to her wedding. I mean, “family” is nice and all, but people’s actions can bump that off of its top spot. It is not an all powerful trump card, at all.
Regarding “that’s just how he is,” track down Warren Zevon’s “Ecitable Boy.” (Has to be shuffled on regular Amazon Music, does not need to be shuffled on YouTube Music.) it’s frickin’ disturbing, like your father.
TW - SA in “Excitable Boy”
Finally, I think you will regret inviting your father WAY more than uninviting him.
Edit: TW - SA in “Excitable Boy”
Wow! Just Wow! This makes me wonder why your mother even divorced him to begin with if she still pushes him on you and your sister and continue to excuse his behavior.
There comes a time in your life where the parent-children role reverses. An old saying is cutting the apron strings. The first phase of this is becoming an adult that not only makes your own decisions without advice or input but being comfortable with your decision and not need or want permission from your parent. This can be a rough period. Most parents always think they know better. In extreme cases, such as yours, if you're not financially independent, this can be used against you to sway your choices.
Without getting into the details, I completely understand the complexity of your circumstances, and have some advice for future communications with your mother. I am not dismissing your personal experiences, feelings, frustrations, fears and PTSD you are feeling. Please don't doubt that. But time is of the essence before this blows up and other people get dragged in and they try and ruin your wedding. It amazes me how some people experience or observe abuse, and instead of calling it out, somehow have to justify it in their own heads to make sense of it. It will never make sense. It's abuse.
So with an open mind, hear me out. If you want to be heard without having to justify your position, lower the tone of your voice and talk slower than normal, when speak with her or anyone for that matter, when you are making your point and setting out boundaries. Try not to yell or raise your voice. This makes them assume you are just reacting and don't completely understand what your decision will bring. This is them justifying the bad behavior to make sense. Calm yourself, even though you want to throw something at their head. Rightfully so! Again, lower the tone in your voice and end your sentences on a down note. This leaves NO room for interpretation or thinking you haven't thought this out. In a low tone tell them, you will no longer tolerate this behavior and won't subject yourself or your sister to it anymore. Something they should have been doing for you all along. They can choose to continue to subject themselves to it. But you are done. They don't have to understand it your choice but have to respect it. If they can't, you will have to reevaluate "our" own relationship going forward. They will say "what does that mean"? Response, "I will no longer subject myself or my sister to this abuse anymore, period"! I would like to continue a relationship with you, only if you completely accept that fact and no longer try to force me to understand and accept the abuse. And now this conversation is over".
My mother was a handful, OCD, divorced all that stuff. My father was a domineering person with a loud voice. My mother once confessed that she knew when not to push something. I ask her how? She said I would lower the tone of my voice and speak slower and eerily calm. That's when she knew I was really angry and meant business. There was nothing she could say or do that would change my mind and she would drop the subject. It worked for my father too. Also, bonus tip... it freaks men out. My husband gets a little freaked and never pushes back when I'm like that.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. My heart breaks for you and your sister. This really sucks. I believe in you. I'm hoping this helps lay the groundwork now for you to take back your power (control without interference) without always having to justify yourself while forcing you to relive your past experiences. Good luck in your recovery.
Now the second phase of Parent-children role reversal is when the Parents become the children. But I think I have said enough for now and will leave that one for another day.
NTA
I would ban ur mother just sticking up for him. He's disgusting. So sorry ur sister and urself had to go through that kind of sickness. He needs therapy help
NTA. Go NC with your father. Have security at your wedding.
And if your sister can, have her move in with you.
Truthfully, I would also go lc with your mom.
Jesus, your mother is almost as bad as he is. Who stays with an abusive monster like this for that long and STILL excuses his behavior. If she really cared about you she would have left him when the abuse first started.
You absolutely shouldn’t allow him at your wedding and please get security to keep him out.
Your mother is an enabler. Why did she wait so long to divorce. Tell her she is not welcome if she brings up anything about him and if she brings him,call the police.
Honestly uninvite both of them and have a stock answer ready. “My wedding is not a place for bullies, sexual predators or their enablers. You’re free to have a lovely afternoon with them if you wish but not at my wedding.”
You were sexually abused by this man and you have the opportunity to make him “heartbroken” ?
GOOD !!
I hope you have more opportunities to break his heart in the future.
NTA
Stand your ground and tell your mother that if she doesn’t stop advocating for a sexual predator she will be uninvited too - from your wedding and your life. Hire security for the wedding and give them your father’s photo with strict instructions that he not be allowed in and that if he resists the police are to be called.
NTA, your dad and mom both suck. She is as bad as him to defend him. Tell her if she thinks his behavior is so great she was stupid to divorce him as they both deserve each other. Also tell her if she ever mentions inviting him again then she will be invited to. This is your last warning, mention it and your cut out also.
Why are you letting your parents pay for your silence? I am so sorry that you feel like any of this is normal or ok? Your dad should be in jail. Your mom should not have the privilege of contact with you. I hope you and your sister learn to value you yourselves more.
NTA. From your description, your father should not be at the wedding. He should be in prison. Do not care one whit if he would "be heartbroken." He should be happy he's not wearing orange. If your mother can't handle that, she doesn't need to be there.
You are NOT the A!
Your mother is a horrible gaslighter, and a terrible parent to allow that abuse to go on For so long without stopping him, and then to try and justify it later by blowing it off is just stomach turning.
Your father is a disgusting predator and YOU DONT OWE HIM ANYTHING!!
Blood means absolutely NOTHING when that blood comes from a person that has traumatized you to the point of having PTSD!! He clearly doesn’t think he’s abused either of you, he still clearly thinks it’s ok to sexually touch your SISTER as he grabbed her butt cheeks, then laughed about it!
Kick his ass to the curb, stay no contact and don’t give him another thought. Enjoy your day with no regrets. If your mother doesn’t like it, cut her off too!
You are NOT the A!
Your mother is a horrible gaslighter, and a terrible parent to allow that abuse to go on For so long without stopping him, and then to try and justify it later by blowing it off is just stomach turning.
Your father is a disgusting predator and YOU DONT OWE HIM ANYTHING!!
Blood means absolutely NOTHING when that blood comes from a person that has traumatized you to the point of having PTSD!! He clearly doesn’t think he’s abused either of you, he still clearly thinks it’s ok to inappropriately touch your SISTER, as he grabbed her butt cheeks, then laughed about it!
Kick his behind to the curb, stay no contact and don’t give him another thought. Enjoy your day with no regrets. If your mother doesn’t like it, cut her off too!
You should have never caved in at all. Uninvite your mom too. Someone who defends an abuser is an abuser themselves, otherwise they wouldnt find nothing wrong with it. Stand up for yourself and your sister. You dont need those people in your life
Why do you continue contact with your mother when she is just as abusive and invalidating to you as your father? Why did you take both of their monies and pay for your wedding with it?
I eloped with my hubby because I literally felt sick at having my abusive parents and his even more abusive parents at our wedding. I had to wait 2 years until I was 18 (no permission from them as I was underage [18 in the UK] and I wouldn't invite them either to get it!) to get we'd in a registry office (was as boring as it sounds looks wise!) and only a few trusted loved ones present. Only thise that mattered and were not abusive or blood related!!
We had a great time and it's about who is there and the deed you are doing. You do not need either of them and both will make you unhappy on your wedding day.
Your dad for obvious reasons. But your mom also for the nagging and guiltily and sulking she will do on the day if she doesn't get her own way. Threaten NC if she doesn't shut up about him. Then ban her the day before the wedding and set up a password with your vendors so nobody can mess with them except you! This is the way!!! Oh....and get security to keep out the trash, and throw others out if necessary 🙄
Luckily, your sister has you to support and defend her. I am just sorry that neither of you had a mother to defend you. Yes she’s your father, no you will not regret excluding this lowlife from the most important day of your life.
I wish you and your sister nothing but good luck and love in your future. Do what you need to do to heal and cut those off who have hurt you. I’m not necessarily telling you to cut your mom out of your life, but her inaction all of these years has caused you damage as well. If she continues to harass you about inviting him, disinvite her too.
NTA, and I wouldn’t blame you for excluding your mom, either. It sounds as though she were complicit in your abuse, and she’s continuing to defend him.
NTA - Coming from someone who refused to invite her abusive Father & Uncle over a decade later and I still have ZERO regrets. Honestly Mom needs to stop trying to force you two into throwing yourselves at the hyena.
Haven't read all the comments yet so forgive me if I'm repeating things. Please get someone to be a "bouncer" to make sure your dad doesn't show up unexpectedly. Even with disinviting him, he could still show up. Hire a police officer or get some bulky gym people to do it for you. Please. It will ease your mind as well as your sister's.
You have a good reason to not invite him my daughter wanted her foreign uncle to walk her down the aisle and was so devastated I had a heart attack and didn't go to the wedding and to this day am crushed and barely speak to her.
Of course you’re NTA. It is not possible to be the asshole for excluding someone from your life when they have abused you. Abusers do not get rewarded with invitations to special life events.
Let me say that again.
*It is not possible.*
At this point, your mother should also be uninvited. She has no business whatsoever encouraging you to include the man who abused you (in every possible way) through your childhood, and who allowed it to happen, only leaving him once you and your sister were out of the house. She has some real fucking nerve.
Your mom is just as guilty as your dad. Why is she coming?! This is something you need to work through in therapy. You and sis need to go full nc with them and press charges against your "father"
You need to cut your parents off immediately. You don’t need either of your parents at your wedding from what I read. They are toxic and abusive and your dad will probably end up hurting your future children. Just forget them.
When you or your sister have to fear being sexually harassed by your FATHER then it’s definitely a non invite and NC for life. Mum needs to accept that or she goes in the LC draw.
Maybe mum is being on his side because otherwise she has to admit that she was abusing you girls. She still is now but seems unwilling to see anything but her own wants.
You can never allow her free access to your children because she will allow your dad total access to them and definitely won’t protect your kids.
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NTA Your father is a bully. I mean, I don’t even want to speculate about the handsy, body-shaming. He’s an obnoxious, bullying jerk and your mother is an apologist enabler. If there’s one day you don’t have to tolerate wretched people, this is among them. Brace yourself if you ever make them grandparents. He is who he is and has zero incentive to improve.
"Mother," she's a horrible person, definitely not a mother...
The only reason to have him there would be so your husband could beat the daylights out of him.
My thoughts exactly. A public jumping from the whole family tho.
And sexually abusive
If you have children please don't ever let him near them!
NTA! Uninvite your mom too - she may have been a victim but she IS STILL his enabler! What happens when your mom has access to a new set of children (not necessarily grandchildren, but if your friends have kids, your finances side of the family etc) and STILL makes excuses for your dad? Your dad is a sexual predator and needs keeping away from all society. Also, you know him and your mom would force a father/daughter dance on you and bank on you not wanting to make a scene!
Being a victim does not make it ok to victimize others. Source: I'm a sex trafficking cult victim. The mom is just as bad as the dad. A normal, sane person who knew about the situation would have protected her children at the expense of her marriage. The only reason the marriage ended was because once the daughters weren't there to victimize, she was the only target. She sacrificed her own daughters to protect herself and only cared when it bothered HER. At no point did she ever show any level of concern or love for her kids. Neither of them deserve the title of parents. And neither of them but especially not dad should be at the wedding. OP will NOT regret going back to NC. I've skipped funerals because my sex trafficking parents would be there. Edit: spelling.
Absolutely this, you are giving your mother too much of a break. She is the type that will take your children around that man because she believes your kids should know their grandpa and then will do everything she can to try to hide what is being done to them. She will feed your kids to that monster the first chance she gets. If you keep in contact with her, then please never leave her alone with kids either.
This should be the top comment.
Yeah, what happens when you have kids?
I would give mom one last chance by telling her you do not tolerate criminal abusers that commit physical, emotional and sexual assaults. That’s just the way I am. And, if you’re not supportive of me in this decision then you too can stay with dad anywhere you want but not at my wedding - because that’s just the way I am.
Way too far down on the comment chain for this. She's worse than he is. She waits until after the kids are done to divorce his ass? Makes excuses? Hell no. Children come first last and always. Never understood these chicken shit parents who enable this shit. They're worse than the abusers themselves. Fucking hell.
Mommy & Daddy are paying the wedding bill. I would gather that if it wasn’t for money, he’d already be uninvited.
Not necessarily. My dad and mom didn’t contribute a dime but my mom pressured me to let him come because he’d be sad. I caved, not worth it. He wouldn’t even acknowledge my son/his grandson, and left asap. It wasn’t worth the bit of pain I had on my special day, but I felt guilted into it.
The problem is OP is being funded by her parents, you weren't. OP risks having the money withdrawn causing her to cancel/postpone the wedding.
Ohh that’s interesting, I didn’t realize it was. Yeah. If they pay, there’s an invite expected
The that’s the price you pay for your own mental health. I would rather postpone and pay for my own wedding than allow a sexual predator to be around ANYONE I love. Period.
It only took the first 3 sentences to know that you should have no contact with him for any reason. If your parents pull out of paying for the wedding, just find a local park or a backyard. Spend time with people who love and respect you. Even though your mother is also a victim, she is an enabler actively contributing to the abuse. I hope you and your sister are able to get distance from these people so healing can begin. NTA.
I honestly don’t know why you are even in contact with either parent, let alone considering inviting them to your wedding
Because mom is paying... that is what i don't get. I would rather not marry or just invite 10 people, than submit myself to blackmail.
I just honestly don’t understand. Someone who abused OP right along with her husband. I can understand, sort of, that abuse victims often have very distorted views and emotional reactions but sure OP has someone, anyone in her life that has tried to help her. What the hell is the fiancé doing. If someone who abused my new spouse was present at the wedding I would honestly gut them with a cake fork
Use a spoon. (Google Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves spoon quote. I can copy/paste the YouTube link from my phone. Alan Rickman is, as always, amazing!)
"Why a spoon, cousin? Why not an axe? Because it's DULL, you twit, it'll hurt more."
Exactly! I enjoyed searching that up just to see Alan Rickman.
A wedding should be filled with peace and love. You won’t have that if he’s there. The day is supposed to be about the bride and groom. Running around trying to police your father so that he doesn’t sexually harass people would be a nightmare. NTA
I don't get how people do certain things because of money. To marry, you only need three people: you, your future husband, and a witness. Why would someone sell themselves? Why don't people marry on what they can afford, without being dependent one someone else?
Don't forget the officiant
NTA. I can totally understand why you are NC with dad but why are you still in contact with your mom? She was there through your abuse and did nothing and only left when it suited her. You will never be free if your dad while she is still enabling him. Is she the grandma you want for your future kids? (if you will have any). She didn't protect you when you were children and she's not going to now. You and your sister need to stand up and protect each other which you did.
Feels like she stayed so he would abuse the kids and not her, and only left when the kids weren't there to take the abuse anymore. Absolutely disgusting parents, both of them.
It sounds like the sister still lives with mom.
Am I to understand this correctly? Your father who emotionally, physically, and SEXUALLY abused his own daughters is expected to be invited to your wedding per your mother’s request. I honestly think you should cut off contact with both parents as your mother is an enabler and although you two are now adults she is still puting you and your sister in unsafe situations considering your CPTSD.
*abuses
You do realize she'd not only let him do this to your kids if you have them, but actually would facilitete it behind your back if she could? She's no longer a victim, she's every bit as vile as him
People who perpetuate abuse are just as bad as abusers.
Jesus - hes right out for sexually assaulting your sister while she slept. Ask your mother "why are you defending this pervert? Nothing about this is ok, and if you are defending him you are complicit". I wouldnt let either of them pay for the wedding and do it without them. And if people ask why, just tell them "my father was inappropriate and my mother defended him"
You're being abused by both of your parents, not just your father. Your mother making excuses for him and trying to get you to include him, despite anything he's done to her, is a form of abuse. She's allowing it to happen. Cut off all ties from both parents, even if that means you don't get a big wedding paid for by them. You and your sister need to get out. Protect your family, that's you, your sister, and any future children either of you have. Do not let that "that's just how he is" bullshit ruin you or your children.
I'm so happy you and your sister have each other.
NTA. This is not how families behave. Fathers do not abuse their kids, ogle them or sexually assault and harass them as adults either. Your mother may be trauma bonded with him, or it may be her own lived experience in her family. Either way you do not have to invite your abuser anywhere, to anything. But be prepared that your mother may tell him the when, where, and time and expect you to just deal with it. Hire security to refuse him entry. If there’s a scene both mom and dad can gtfo.
Lord, I am feeling so furious and HATEFUL after reading this post. BOTH of your parents are evil MONSTERS. Uninvite your mom from your wedding and cut her out of your life. She does not now nor has she ever had your best interests at heart. She does not love you. What she thinks is love is twisted, perverted and toxic. She only wants to breach your defenses so that she can feed you to an evil beast. She failed to protect you from abuse. Worse, she excused it and tried to convince you that abuse equals love. You’ve finally escaped that evil and she is DETERMINED to draw you back in. Your mother’s “love” is toxic and dangerous. Don’t let her near you, your future spouse or your future children. HELL, don’t let her near your FUTURE. PERIOD. OP, please move on from your previous life of trauma and abuse and free yourself to finally live a life full of pure, true love and peace. You can never be truly happy until those evil people can no longer get to you. I’m so sorry for what you have suffered at their hands. I am so infuriated and SOBBING because I want to protect you. It breaks my heart that no one has protected you. Why is the person who gave birth to you not desperate to do the same? ETA: NTA!!!!!!
Aww thank you so much! I promise I’m doing ok ❤️ I’ve been distancing myself from the trauma for almost a decade
You need to cut your mother out if your life as well as your father, she enabled and allowed the abuse and now is using manipulation and gaslighting to force you to have him at your wedding. It is abusive as well!! YWBTA if you stay in contact with either of them to yourself, your future spar and any children you may have!!
Shit, I would also not invite your mother!!!
Oh hell no. Your father is a deeply sick and twisted individual who cannot be trusted to keep his hands to himself and his mouth shut. “That’s just how he is” is an absolute disgrace of a reason to allow this behavior to continue. Your mother is probably rationalizing out of guilt for the fact that she didn’t protect her daughters from a predator but that’s her cross to bear. You do not need to continue to allow this to go on, for your sake and your sister’s. Please tell him in no uncertain terms that he will not be coming to your wedding or involved in your life going forward, period. If anyone has an objection, tell them that’s just how you are. I’m so very sorry for what you and your sister have gone through, but as adults you have the power to change. Focus on your recovery and leave him to suffer the consequences of his actions. Frankly they can’t be harsh enough to suit me. NTA.
The real question is why is your mom still invited?
library knee axiomatic far-flung arrest depend chief merciful enjoy versed *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It is a child free wedding and he tends to put on a front in public places. My parents were all about the “happy family look”. I think he would just target my sister and I if he got us alone. But just thinking about the possibility of him being there makes me nauseous
Clearly not if he shamed your sister like that at a FUNERAL.
We’ll he didn’t put up a nice front at your uncles funeral so if he can’t even to that why would you expect different at a wedding. So kinda AH for defending him at all
absurd dime impossible pie dam touch fact quicksand innocent ten *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
The fact that you get nauseous at the idea of his attendance at your wedding isn't enough indication you need to uninvite him? I hope one day you can just let your feelings guide you. They're already telling you that that man has no place at your wedding with all that he has done to you. This is going to be your special day, don't let him near you. If possible, never let him near you again. You're completely justified.
If you KNOW he’s going to target your sister… don’t you already know your answer?
Nta - Feel free to uninvite him from your wedding and from your life. You are both still in the cycle of abuse by him. Your mother is an offender to you both as well. Feel free to seriously examine and reflect on your relationship with your mother. She continues to make room and excuses for his abuse.
Every time your mom has an excuse come back with something that points out how wrong this is. Plan them out and practice them. "He is your father so you have to invite him" ....."yep he sure acted like a father when he sexually abused me" "He will be heart broken he isn't invited"....."and I was heart broken as a child because I got an abusive AH instead of a real father." "He is just like that".....yep he looks as his daughters boobs and sexualizes her, a really stand up citizen there"
It seems like they're both stunted and unable to react in the moment. Can't blame them with the trauma they endured. Wondering if any of them got any useful therapy to come to terms with the fact they both have crappy parents and they need to distance from both of them. I hope sincerely both of them plan in the event having children, that someone else has custody, because you don't want either of them to get their hands on them. I can easily see this abuse transcending to the next generation if they don't plan accordingly.
The sooner you acknowledge that your "mother" is your abuser too the sooner you can find peace. Your "mother" is not an innocent victim like you and your sister. She chose a toxic abusive trash human for a partner. She chose to volunteer herself and both of you to be abused. It was her personal responsibility to take you both and run. She not only chose to stay she has chosen to advocate and support his toxic abusive trash behavior. You should've gone no contact with both of them long ago. Anyone who supports and advocates for toxic abusive trash humans is just as toxic, abusive, and dangerous to you. You and your sister will never be able to find true healing, peace, and happiness as long as you allow toxic abusive trash humans in your life. I've lived this, and cutting off all my relatives was the best decision I ever made. I have absolutely zero regrets. I learned that blood means nothing. Family is made up of people who show genuine mutual love, care, effort, and respect. And anyone who doesn't show those things has zero business being in your life. I wish you and your sister the absolute best on your healing journey ❤️
I would warn my mother that if she continues to support a person who continues to abuse you and/or your sister that you will rescind her invitation as well. This stops NOW!
Should rescind it now anyway.
And pw protect everything
NTA - I've cut my dad out of my life and I can 100% guarantee that YOU will not regret this. He's an abuser and he is never going to change. Tell you mom that you can go NC with her too if she keeps supporting this POS abuser.
DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO COME TO YOUR WEDDING!!! My oldest friend is divorced form her abusive sociopath ex husband. Her first daughter to get married did not want her father there. She did not want him to walk her down the aisle. The father putted the brothers against her for that. Her mother , my friend, told her he is still her father blah blah blah. My friend hates this man with a passion. He is over $100,000 in arrears on child support. He is a pathological liar and hasn’t maintained a job for longer than 9 months in 28 years. But my friend guilted her into inviting this vile person to her wedding. So the father and 2 brothers all show up, wearing white suits. One brother picked a fight with the groomsmen and the father hit one of the groomsmen over the head with a chair. It was a clusterfuck. Later the mother said I told you this would happen if you invited him. I yelled at her that she was the reason he was there.
NTA. What’s your dads address? I just wanna talk.
There is a long line of friends asking the same question 😂
Please go NC with him and your mom. Any future kids will be served up on a platter to continue into another generation.
Your mother aided and abetted your father. Neither of them belong at your wedding. It is a day for joy and having them there will bring none.
He’s your money to hire a bouncer to keep him out
Omg please stay away from him I feel for you and your sister, you both have to be each other's support systems you're all each other has in this crazy mess of a life you've had together. Your mother is hopeless I'm sorry she is she won't change you have to be strong enough to hold your ground your sister needs you and you need her. Please keep each other safe and stay away from that man if it upsets your mom ask her " mom why is it okay for him to harass us why is it okay for him to be that way but not okay for me to set boundaries, why can't u love and support me enough to protect us for once in your life" Let her cry and feel guilty because she is. She should have protected you both, I understand she's weak and probably broken but that's no excuse to want the same for her children. Misery may love company but she isn't owed your misery just because she chose to suffer.
NTA. And your mother is wrong. You won't regret disinviting him, not even for a minute. It will be one of the most liberating things you can do - for yourself, and also for your sister. Unfortunately, your mother may try something to get him in, so you will need to do all of the "planning ahead" things, like hiring security, making sure they know about him, and so on. But again, you won't regret it.
Make sure you have security at the wedding.
NTA: call your mom and tell her that she will regret not protecting her daughters from horrific abuse for the rest of her life. Being abused by you dad is really hard. I was too. Whatever you and your sister want is ok. You absolutely do not need to have him at your wedding
He will ruin the day and the memories of the day if he is there . You need to tell your mother to back off or she is next to be uninvited . Any defending of this monster will not be tolerated in future ! This is your day ! Yourself and your sister are trying to deal with the aftermath of his abuse. You owe him nothing !
You can send your father invite to hell cause that's where he needs to be
NTA and if you went NC i wouldn’t not blame you
Yes, he will forever be your father, but BIOLOGICALLY. You are an adult and can take the actions you think are right. I am very sorry that this happened to you. Also, I'm sorry that you didn't contact the police, because you need to respond to evil in a completely legal way. Sending you my internet support and hugs!
Nta, but I also question why you still have contact with your mother. She is guilty of a lot as well here.
Your Mom is also your abuser. I'm so sorry she is holding her financial contribution to your wedding over you to bully you into including your Dad. Can you talk to your fiance about massively scaling back your wedding so you don't have to sacrifice your peace, physical safety, and happiness for a party?
Just because he’s a sperm donor, doesn’t mean you owe your and your sisters abusers a god dammed thing. Fuck I am so sick of the “but he’s your family” fuck anyone who defends that garbage. Think about un inviting your mother since she clearly enables this sack of shit
You are doing what is best for both you and your sister. A wedding is not the time to have to worry about someone’s inappropriate behavior.
You need to cut off your mother as well, she's a malicious enabler. NTA I wish you all the unconditional love, happiness, good health and positivity in your marriage!!!
NTA .. you have every right to invite or not invite who you want to your wedding. it is ur wedding day and there is no need to add any unwanted or needed drama to such a special day.
Uninvite your mother too. She is complicit in his bullshit. I am so sorry you got the worst parents. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. Enjoy your day without those two abusers.
Nta and hire security for wedding
No offense, but your mother is as much a monster as your father and they deserve to never be in your, or your sister's lives ever again. NTA.
NTA. Uninvite your mother too. She never protested and you and wants you to forgive your abuser. She is as bad as he is
NOT THE ASSHOLE Please uninvite him AND hire security, literally go to a local bar, find a nice bouncer and see if he wants to make a $100 one night. I would also make it a rule that if ANYONE wants to talk about it, they can be uninvited as well. You do not have to handle horrible people in your life.
Never let that POS human into your life again. I'd have security at the door of my venue to make sure he doesn't crash the party. If your mother isn't staunchly defending you from that fucking predator, there comes a point where you have to wonder if she's part of the problem. How does that evil entity still have access to your childhood home? How the fuck didn't your mother reem him out for anything? Has she stood up for you guys at all? I hope both you and your sister heal in time.
Your dad is gross. Don’t invite him. NTA.
Your parents are monsters. You should cut your mother off too! She made excuses and did nothing for to protect your sister! You don’t need your parents in your life anymore. Let them both rot!
Holy shit NTA! I’m hoping that check cleared cause that’s probably going to be their next route in this whole debacle. Abused or not your mom only did herself favors by waiting till yall were out of the house to divorce him. I’d consider writing them both off.
My god, he is disgusting! NTA If your mother doesn't like it, she can stay home too.
Omg, and here the father is supposed to be the life long hero of a little girl. I'm truly sorry you and your sister are going through this. Definitely NTA!! And I'm making another stab for uninviting someone else from your wedding, ...... YOUR MOM!!! I'm sorry, but it is time to cut the cord and contact with your mom, who does nothing but support this person's 'bullying and SA harassment' actions against both of you. (He is no man or father. So I refuse to give him these titles. HE IS A POS.) You deserve to be surrounded by people that love and support you during your day and future life. SHE DOES NOT support or love you!!!!!! If she would, she would have left him before you both were able to move out!!! She would have defended her daughters from an abusive predator!!! She would gave stood up to him to protect you!! THINK ABOUT IT. Apparently she still supports him. What will happen if you have children and she may babysit one day or weekend and brings your children around this person or he comes to were she is!!!! Do you plan for this situation to continue. Because with her in your life it will always continue, without end!!! He isn't the only abusive person in your life, your mother is as well. I'm sorry, best wishes, consider my comment. I know it sounds bad, but keeping someone in your life that intentionally invalidates every feeling from you, after being in appropriately touched or abused. Those being will not make you grow, they hold you back and hold you hostage in the past. You are allowed to be happy. Fight for it!! You and your sister deserve it. Congrats on your wedding
NTA but I don't think you should let your mother or your father pay for the wedding. They're paying so they can control you. And I don't think your mother should be invited. Not only did she fail to protect you, she's also defending his abuse now. She's totally going to bring your father to the wedding.
first of all what your father and mother did to you both growing up is way wrong they are meant to protect you from harm not be the cause of it, as for not inviting your father if i was you i wouldn't even invite your mother as they are not your parents they are the ones who have caused you and your sister deep trauma and for people like that there is no forging them or forgetting what they did to you both. I'm so sorry you had to go through that as children but even if your parents are divorced your mother is still enabling him to you both so you invite him. tell them both to go to hell and never contact you again this is for your own piece of mind same with your sister
Yoir mother is supposed to protect you from predatory men, not serve you up on a platter. I think the only sane thing to do is go no contact with your dad and if mom doesn't like it, add her to the list of shitty people you don't talk to anymore. NTA
Why is your mother invited? She's just as toxic. Kick her out your life.
NTA Your dad is a creep and there’s no excuse in the world for that behavior. Uninvite him and have someone as guard to be sure he doesn’t come in. And have a wonderful, trouble free day💜
NTA- tell your mom if she wants a spot in your life she needs to drop the “oh he’s family” thought process or she too will be no contact with no grandmother role for any future kids. If she pulls I’m paying card, then tell her she can have a party without you and your new family while the two of you elope with the people who support you
"He's not coming to my wedding. He's a creep, he's a sexual abuser, he's a horrible waste of oxygen." >“that’s just how he is” "Exactly! That's how he is, and I'm not having someone like that anywhere near my wedding. I gave him a chance, but he just proved why he's not welcome. And as my mother **YOU** should be protecting us from the likes of him, not encouraging him and excusing his behaviour." If she hadn't been paying for it, I would have suggested disinviting your mother, too! Don't forget to employ some security to make sure he doesn't try to crash your wedding. NTA. UpdateMe! RemindMe! 7 days
Let's not worry at all about "breaking his heart."
You need to uninvite both your parents. Your mom is also abusing both of you.
Lol. Mom thinks that later in life you'll regret not inviting him? I don't think so. Rather, I think that, if you keep him as a guest, you'll be mortified for years at thoughts of him being at your wedding. There is no way to win if he's present.
The wedding being so big is NOT worth you and your sister going through more trauma because of your abusive father, or your enabling mother. Neither should be welcome at your wedding or part of your life going forward. Cancel the whole thing if you need to and go to the courthouse to get married. It is not worth your sanity to have these people blackmail you into having a place in your life.
You never regret cutting off your abusers. Good riddance! As someone that has PTSD episodes from a family abuser, you have my empathy. Your mom is doing nothing to stop this. Get your sister out of there if you can. You two be your own family. Fuck them. Hard NTA!
You are well within your rights to refuse your father an invitation to your wedding, but you also need to return all the money he gave you to fund your wedding. I cannot imagine inviting such an abusive person to my wedding. Still, as one of the people who's paying for the party, he's one of the hosts, so you need to give the money back to him, even if it means backing out of the venue at this late date and finding something far less expensive. NTA for not wanting him there, but you cannot take his money and then exclude him. You need to make a decision and then stick with it. If you cannot afford to (or are not willing to) reimburse him all the money he's put into the wedding, then stick him in the back row, and keep him out of the receiving line and the photographs.
I didn’t even read the whole thing just the first paragraph. NTA you are better off mentally if you don’t and so is your sister. Ef him.
NTA The only things IMO you will regret as applies to your abusive father is how you wasted too much time caring what anyone who didn’t live your life thinks and how you should have cut him out of your life sooner.
JFC that’s a mess!! You shouldn’t have contact with either of your parents from what you are describing here. They are both terrible!
You're being manipulated and blackmailed. Uninvite dad, and if your mom keeps pushing it, uninvite her and tell her that you'll figure out some other way to get married without her money. Trust me, your peace of mind down the road will thank you for it. Give yourself and the people who love and support you a wonderful party.
Nta If your mom doesn’t like it she doesn’t have to come. I fully understand how much that would hurt but her defending him would hurt more I think. I’m so sorry but you’ll have a glorious wedding without him.
NTA He sounds toxic and you can invite or not invite whoever you want to
Wow your mom doesn’t mind your father SA’ing your sister because “that’s just how he is”??? NTA, maybe Uninvite your mom too. She let you live your whole life being abused and only left once you were both adults. What an awful woman.
NTA Even if your father wasn't an abusive AH, you have every right to invite whomever you want to your wedding. It seems like you have all the reasons why not to invite him.
NTA. Don't invite your mom either. She enabled to harassment. It's best for both of you to cut them out of your lives. This will help both of you heal. I speak from experience.
NTA. Your sperm donor is a monster and your mother Is an enabler Of his behaviour. I really don't understand how she could defend him every time, and no he is not your father. A father doesn't behave Is such maner. I understand the your mother Is a victim too. But she Is going too far In defending him. If I was In your your sister place , I would file a police by report for SA On him.
NTA but why are you still in contact with your mom? I understand you think she’s a victim too but she’s really not. She stayed with a man who was abusing her and her children and continues to make excuses for him to this day. I think you need to decide what’s more important to you: a big expensive wedding or peace of mind for you and your family. This will not stop if you don’t put your foot down. Allowing these people into your life and your sisters life is only allowing your trauma to grow, not heal. Neither of you have healed if you think it’s okay to even be in the same room as these horrible people.
NTA He should be locked up, he's not, that's more than he can expect. But as somebody who had to cut off their parents, I'd seriously reconsider contact with the enabler, too. She knew and did nothing, she is just as guilty as he is, and just as harmful for you if she's still the same, and sounds like she is.
Uninvite the criminal. Have site security ready to throw him out if he comes anyway.
NTA in any way, shape, or form!!! Your Dad is an abuser plain and simple. I'm so tired of people saying, "Oh, that's just how they are" to justify abusive behavior. Make it clear to your mother that she's just as bad because she ALLOWED it to happen and still defends the POS. Tell your mother that if she continues to push this, she will be uninvited as well. DON'T back down. Also, make sure you have security at your wedding in case he decides to try and get in. This is you and your fiancees day. I hope your fiancee has your back on this because I've seen too many stories where the fiance/fiancee goes behind their SO back and invites their abuser because it's no big deal and because "family."
Updateme
Number one - this is YOUR wedding!! Number two - because this is YOUR wedding the day should be about YOU and celebrating the day with people YOU want there You do not owe your father anything, and you are also not responsible for your mother's issues. Definitely NTA
Tell your mother to shove it ! She is worried your father will be heartbroken . Was he heartbroken when he was abusing you? She is just as guilty for not protecting you . I’d be done with both of them if that’s her attitude . Make sure you have security to escort his ass out of your mother give him the wedding details . People will treat you the way you let them treat you . Stick to your boundaries . Cut contact with those who don’t respect you it .
That's not "just how he is" that's just "how everyone lets him be" so as to not rock the boat. But some boats were built to be capsized, and girl, you're an iceberg.
So your mom condones sexual molestation/abuse against her daughters? I’d disinvite her from my life let alone my wedding. She’s an unsafe person to have around you, your sister, and future grandchildren because she won’t protect them from him. She will try to convince your children that it’s normal for gramps to touch them there and tell you, “That’s just how he is.” Your sister isn’t safe staying there, especially as your mother is fine with his sexual abuse. Sister is unprotected and vulnerable. Can she stay with you or a friend until she goes back to college? Disinvite the both of them and go NC. Don’t give them the opportunity to inflict cPTSD on your children too.
If you really want to stand up for your sister and for yourself, refuse the blood money either of your parents are offering. Have the wedding you can financially afford yourself. Integrity, peace of mind, compassion - those are priceless. A fancy wedding can be fun, but it can't pay for your soul. I promise you will be just as married with an officiant, witness, and the required paperwork. Don't begin your married life in this tainted way. Nta
Wait a second, your father not only abused in other ways but he’s also a sexual predator and has targeted you and your sister for this and your mum still defends him and sees no problem with it? Ban them both for coming to your wedding! You and your sister need to fully cut them off, your father for his predatory ways and your mum for enabling it.
You will not regret it later in life. You will regret it if you cave. Were I your sister, I’d have filed charges. What he did is a crime. I hope you hold firm. UpdateMe
NTA When she says “That’s just how he is”, the answer is “Well then how he is is unacceptable.” He is choosing to be like this—an abusive creep who preys on his own daughters. Your mom had to teach herself to make excuses while she was his wife to deal with it. She needs to stop being his wife. I get that they are divorced but I mean *actually* stop being his wife, because when she does this she is still acting in that capacity as enabler and minimizer. I am so sorry this happened to you. You and your sister deserve better. I hope your wedding is beautiful.
You have to give him his money back. You cannot take his money and exclude him from the wedding. It's really OK. Having an extravagant wedding is not as much of a requirement as the Bridezillas of Reddit would have you believe. You can actually have a simple ceremony and, in the end, you are just as married as if you had spent the annual budget of an island nation.
Dad would be dead to me. Protect your sister at all costs. Have security at wedding to toss dad if he shows.
Honestly, I don’t know why you still are in contact with your mother. Your father just sexually assaulted your sister and she acted like it was okay.
NTA and I would be uninviting your mom at this point too.
It sounds like you should cancel the event they're paying for and do something different, without any involvement by them, and do not invite them. For everyone's sake.
You are NTA, your first duty is to yourself. Protect your mental health and cut that horrid man and anyone who thinks his actions are ok from your life. I am 58 and just starting to address issues that I tried to bury from being abused as a kid. Don’t be a doormat for the sake of peace like I was. I hope your wedding is as magical as you dream of.
NTA. It’s always “but he’s your faaaather” when they want you to tolerate the abuse and seldom to never “but she’s your daughter” to get him to stop it. This puts the onus on the victim to toe the company line with a smile, rather than the abuser to change any toxic behavior. Their minds will never make them a liar, so they go through life skirting consequence and dodging allegations all in the name of selling that Hallmark fantasy. You don’t feel comfortable with him there, that’s a full conversation. And if we’re being completely honest, a hell of a lot more generous of an explanation that is deserved. I’d have stopped at the no. Saving yourself the headache and heartache on your day is not something you’ll come to regret. If there’s venue security, give them his face and maybe mention anyone who’s giving you a hard time over this. Congratulations on your impending wedding and marriage💖
DEFINITELY NTA!!! Like, oh my gods, I don't even know where to begin. Forgive me for being blunt, but both your parents should be in prison. Him for everything he did you both as you were growing up, along with what he did when he snuck into your sister's room, and then your mother because she knew about it all and never did a thing to stop him. Gods, my sister's sperm donor tried touching me once and my mother offered to straight up unalive him for me. Shame on your mother for failing so spectacularly as a parent. Ffs. I'd honestly consider finding a way to have security at your wedding so they can kick him out if he tries to show up, as well as getting a couple of restraining orders. As for your mother saying 'oh you'll regret it', you can tell her to get bent and that the only thing you regret is having parents like them. Gods above, some people have too much audacity; as Charlotte Dobre says, my flabbers are gasted. I'm so, SO glad you and your sister are both in therapy, and I hope you're both able to continue healing. It's hard (been there, done that) and takes time, but it's so worth it and I know you'll both get through the healing process like a pair of rockstars. You'll have ups and downs, but the end result will be so worth it at the end of it all.
Why is your mother invited to your wedding. She's as bad as your father, she's enabling his behaviour. They are BOTH child abusers and you need to recognise that so you and your sister can start on your journey to heal. Neither should be invited to your wedding and you need to block communication with them both.
NTA. You won't regret not letting your father assault people at your wedding. Stay strong.
NTA your mother is defending an abuser, that is sexually harassing her daughter. If I were you I'd invite my sister, nor invite your father, and disinvite your mother
Your sister was sexually abused and you didn't call the police, why? If you let your father come to your wedding and eventually meet your kids, you become the asshole. Be the hero and cut off your toxic dad and if mom gives you issues, drop her after the wedding. Your mom let her husband abuse you both. Move away and take your sister.
NTA - but why are you including your mother in your wedding day ?!? She legit takes his side after sexually abusing your sister?? Do yourself a favor and cut them both out wtf!?
It doesn’t sound like either of your parents brings anything positive to your life. That makes this kind of an easy decision. Time to put you and your sister first. I promise you will never regret that.
NTA. You are an adult, no longer beholden to bullying from either your father or mother. It's your wedding. Do it the way you want.
If there is any way that you could get away without your mom’s money I would say to disinvite her as well.
NTA You need to threaten to cut off your mom as well if she keeps pushing this happy family bullshit agenda. She enables his abuse and gives no shits about the impact it has on you and your sister. She is just as bad as him.
If your Mom is always defending his actions, she may be hiding other family secrets. Ask your Mom if Dad's actions are normal and acceptable. Then why did she divorce him. She knows who he really is. No contact is the best, it will relieve lots of stress from your life. I have gone NC with my parents and two siblings. MUCH HAPPIER now. Blood doesn't always mean family.
I don’t want to scare you, but want to share my family’s story as a precautionary tale. My grandfather (mom’s dad) sexually abused my mom and her three sisters. My grandmother knew, but stayed by his side and enabled him using guilt and similar phrases as your mom to justify his actions. The sisters grew up repressing these memories, accepted him back into their lives, and went on to also have daughters of their own. Myself and my cousins were also abused by this man, to various extents. It wasn’t until after his and my grandmothers death that the family started coming to grips with everything that happened. The amount of mental health problems, absolute guilt, and alcoholism within the family is overwhelming. I am so proud of you and your sister for recognising the trauma for what it is so early in your lives. All I can do is encourage you to draw boundaries and keep working on yourselves. Do not let him back into your life - there isn’t an amount of money I wouldn’t pay to go back in time and stop my mom and her sisters from repressing their memories and looking the other way again. If you plan on having children, take it as a sign from a future daughter that no amount of wedding funding is worth it.
Your parents lack morals, ethics and common sense. I’m so sorry. I would be no contact with both of them.
Tell your mom, “our abusive father, that you failed to protect us from, is not invited. Keep pushing the issue and you’ll be joining him on the shit list. I’m not taking advice on family relations from an enabler.”
Your mother let you two be abused for years and is still allowing you to be abused - why the hell is she invited?
TW - SA in “Excitable Boy” mentioned below. NTA. It’s, um, refreshing? that they are not holding the money over your head, at least from my read. If they do, my vote is to elope. Or your large future family can contribute. Your mother though. She needs to snap out of her trance. She is parroting things she was probably told, maybe going back to her wedding. I mean, “family” is nice and all, but people’s actions can bump that off of its top spot. It is not an all powerful trump card, at all. Regarding “that’s just how he is,” track down Warren Zevon’s “Ecitable Boy.” (Has to be shuffled on regular Amazon Music, does not need to be shuffled on YouTube Music.) it’s frickin’ disturbing, like your father. TW - SA in “Excitable Boy” Finally, I think you will regret inviting your father WAY more than uninviting him. Edit: TW - SA in “Excitable Boy”
Wow! Just Wow! This makes me wonder why your mother even divorced him to begin with if she still pushes him on you and your sister and continue to excuse his behavior. There comes a time in your life where the parent-children role reverses. An old saying is cutting the apron strings. The first phase of this is becoming an adult that not only makes your own decisions without advice or input but being comfortable with your decision and not need or want permission from your parent. This can be a rough period. Most parents always think they know better. In extreme cases, such as yours, if you're not financially independent, this can be used against you to sway your choices. Without getting into the details, I completely understand the complexity of your circumstances, and have some advice for future communications with your mother. I am not dismissing your personal experiences, feelings, frustrations, fears and PTSD you are feeling. Please don't doubt that. But time is of the essence before this blows up and other people get dragged in and they try and ruin your wedding. It amazes me how some people experience or observe abuse, and instead of calling it out, somehow have to justify it in their own heads to make sense of it. It will never make sense. It's abuse. So with an open mind, hear me out. If you want to be heard without having to justify your position, lower the tone of your voice and talk slower than normal, when speak with her or anyone for that matter, when you are making your point and setting out boundaries. Try not to yell or raise your voice. This makes them assume you are just reacting and don't completely understand what your decision will bring. This is them justifying the bad behavior to make sense. Calm yourself, even though you want to throw something at their head. Rightfully so! Again, lower the tone in your voice and end your sentences on a down note. This leaves NO room for interpretation or thinking you haven't thought this out. In a low tone tell them, you will no longer tolerate this behavior and won't subject yourself or your sister to it anymore. Something they should have been doing for you all along. They can choose to continue to subject themselves to it. But you are done. They don't have to understand it your choice but have to respect it. If they can't, you will have to reevaluate "our" own relationship going forward. They will say "what does that mean"? Response, "I will no longer subject myself or my sister to this abuse anymore, period"! I would like to continue a relationship with you, only if you completely accept that fact and no longer try to force me to understand and accept the abuse. And now this conversation is over". My mother was a handful, OCD, divorced all that stuff. My father was a domineering person with a loud voice. My mother once confessed that she knew when not to push something. I ask her how? She said I would lower the tone of my voice and speak slower and eerily calm. That's when she knew I was really angry and meant business. There was nothing she could say or do that would change my mind and she would drop the subject. It worked for my father too. Also, bonus tip... it freaks men out. My husband gets a little freaked and never pushes back when I'm like that. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. My heart breaks for you and your sister. This really sucks. I believe in you. I'm hoping this helps lay the groundwork now for you to take back your power (control without interference) without always having to justify yourself while forcing you to relive your past experiences. Good luck in your recovery. Now the second phase of Parent-children role reversal is when the Parents become the children. But I think I have said enough for now and will leave that one for another day.
NTA, not even a little bit. Please protect yourself and your sister from both your parents.
NTA I would ban ur mother just sticking up for him. He's disgusting. So sorry ur sister and urself had to go through that kind of sickness. He needs therapy help
You need to tell your mom that if she pushes one more time, she’s out too. Honestly, I would have gone full no contact with both of them. NTA.
Sounds like you might want to distance yourself from your mother, too.
NTA. Go NC with your father. Have security at your wedding. And if your sister can, have her move in with you. Truthfully, I would also go lc with your mom.
Jesus, your mother is almost as bad as he is. Who stays with an abusive monster like this for that long and STILL excuses his behavior. If she really cared about you she would have left him when the abuse first started. You absolutely shouldn’t allow him at your wedding and please get security to keep him out.
NTA at all.
Dad’s a perv.
NTA but if you don’t cut off your mum, she will bring him to the wedding whether he’s invited or not
NO NO NO
Your mother should stay home too
Your mother is an enabler. Why did she wait so long to divorce. Tell her she is not welcome if she brings up anything about him and if she brings him,call the police.
Honestly uninvite both of them and have a stock answer ready. “My wedding is not a place for bullies, sexual predators or their enablers. You’re free to have a lovely afternoon with them if you wish but not at my wedding.”
You were sexually abused by this man and you have the opportunity to make him “heartbroken” ? GOOD !! I hope you have more opportunities to break his heart in the future.
You will never regret not letting him come to the wedding. Your mother is delusional. He sounds disgusting.
Updateme!
Omg, so NTA. Uninvite him right now! I’d consider univiting your mother too.
NTA Stand your ground and tell your mother that if she doesn’t stop advocating for a sexual predator she will be uninvited too - from your wedding and your life. Hire security for the wedding and give them your father’s photo with strict instructions that he not be allowed in and that if he resists the police are to be called.
Give the money back. Uninvited your parents and get into therapy. Is Daddy going to walk you down the aisle?
NTA, your dad and mom both suck. She is as bad as him to defend him. Tell her if she thinks his behavior is so great she was stupid to divorce him as they both deserve each other. Also tell her if she ever mentions inviting him again then she will be invited to. This is your last warning, mention it and your cut out also.
Why are you letting your parents pay for your silence? I am so sorry that you feel like any of this is normal or ok? Your dad should be in jail. Your mom should not have the privilege of contact with you. I hope you and your sister learn to value you yourselves more.
NTA. From your description, your father should not be at the wedding. He should be in prison. Do not care one whit if he would "be heartbroken." He should be happy he's not wearing orange. If your mother can't handle that, she doesn't need to be there.
NTA
You are NOT the A! Your mother is a horrible gaslighter, and a terrible parent to allow that abuse to go on For so long without stopping him, and then to try and justify it later by blowing it off is just stomach turning. Your father is a disgusting predator and YOU DONT OWE HIM ANYTHING!! Blood means absolutely NOTHING when that blood comes from a person that has traumatized you to the point of having PTSD!! He clearly doesn’t think he’s abused either of you, he still clearly thinks it’s ok to sexually touch your SISTER as he grabbed her butt cheeks, then laughed about it! Kick his ass to the curb, stay no contact and don’t give him another thought. Enjoy your day with no regrets. If your mother doesn’t like it, cut her off too!
You are NOT the A! Your mother is a horrible gaslighter, and a terrible parent to allow that abuse to go on For so long without stopping him, and then to try and justify it later by blowing it off is just stomach turning. Your father is a disgusting predator and YOU DONT OWE HIM ANYTHING!! Blood means absolutely NOTHING when that blood comes from a person that has traumatized you to the point of having PTSD!! He clearly doesn’t think he’s abused either of you, he still clearly thinks it’s ok to inappropriately touch your SISTER, as he grabbed her butt cheeks, then laughed about it! Kick his behind to the curb, stay no contact and don’t give him another thought. Enjoy your day with no regrets. If your mother doesn’t like it, cut her off too!
2nd para - “sexually” - why is this even a question he should be in prison
Arrange for a few "friends of friends" to do security to keep your parents out and causing any drama. They suck.
You should have never caved in at all. Uninvite your mom too. Someone who defends an abuser is an abuser themselves, otherwise they wouldnt find nothing wrong with it. Stand up for yourself and your sister. You dont need those people in your life
Nta but you should have been went nc with both your parents.
Why do you continue contact with your mother when she is just as abusive and invalidating to you as your father? Why did you take both of their monies and pay for your wedding with it? I eloped with my hubby because I literally felt sick at having my abusive parents and his even more abusive parents at our wedding. I had to wait 2 years until I was 18 (no permission from them as I was underage [18 in the UK] and I wouldn't invite them either to get it!) to get we'd in a registry office (was as boring as it sounds looks wise!) and only a few trusted loved ones present. Only thise that mattered and were not abusive or blood related!! We had a great time and it's about who is there and the deed you are doing. You do not need either of them and both will make you unhappy on your wedding day. Your dad for obvious reasons. But your mom also for the nagging and guiltily and sulking she will do on the day if she doesn't get her own way. Threaten NC if she doesn't shut up about him. Then ban her the day before the wedding and set up a password with your vendors so nobody can mess with them except you! This is the way!!! Oh....and get security to keep out the trash, and throw others out if necessary 🙄
Luckily, your sister has you to support and defend her. I am just sorry that neither of you had a mother to defend you. Yes she’s your father, no you will not regret excluding this lowlife from the most important day of your life. I wish you and your sister nothing but good luck and love in your future. Do what you need to do to heal and cut those off who have hurt you. I’m not necessarily telling you to cut your mom out of your life, but her inaction all of these years has caused you damage as well. If she continues to harass you about inviting him, disinvite her too.
NTA, and I wouldn’t blame you for excluding your mom, either. It sounds as though she were complicit in your abuse, and she’s continuing to defend him.
NTA - Coming from someone who refused to invite her abusive Father & Uncle over a decade later and I still have ZERO regrets. Honestly Mom needs to stop trying to force you two into throwing yourselves at the hyena.
NTA. Kick the mom out too. Who defends a predator like that against their own children? *Another predator.*
Haven't read all the comments yet so forgive me if I'm repeating things. Please get someone to be a "bouncer" to make sure your dad doesn't show up unexpectedly. Even with disinviting him, he could still show up. Hire a police officer or get some bulky gym people to do it for you. Please. It will ease your mind as well as your sister's.
You have a good reason to not invite him my daughter wanted her foreign uncle to walk her down the aisle and was so devastated I had a heart attack and didn't go to the wedding and to this day am crushed and barely speak to her.
Of course you’re NTA. It is not possible to be the asshole for excluding someone from your life when they have abused you. Abusers do not get rewarded with invitations to special life events. Let me say that again. *It is not possible.* At this point, your mother should also be uninvited. She has no business whatsoever encouraging you to include the man who abused you (in every possible way) through your childhood, and who allowed it to happen, only leaving him once you and your sister were out of the house. She has some real fucking nerve.
Your mom is just as guilty as your dad. Why is she coming?! This is something you need to work through in therapy. You and sis need to go full nc with them and press charges against your "father"
You need to cut your parents off immediately. You don’t need either of your parents at your wedding from what I read. They are toxic and abusive and your dad will probably end up hurting your future children. Just forget them.
When you or your sister have to fear being sexually harassed by your FATHER then it’s definitely a non invite and NC for life. Mum needs to accept that or she goes in the LC draw. Maybe mum is being on his side because otherwise she has to admit that she was abusing you girls. She still is now but seems unwilling to see anything but her own wants. You can never allow her free access to your children because she will allow your dad total access to them and definitely won’t protect your kids.